HE KEPT UP his diary and this was what he was writing in it at that time:
他一直保持着自己的日记，那时他正在写这些内容：

“November 24.—I got up at eight o’clock, read the Scriptures, then went to my duties” (Pierre by the advice of Osip Alexyevitch was serving on one of the government committees), “came back to dinner, dined alone (the countess had a lot of guests whom I did not care for), ate and drank with moderation, and after dinner copied out passages for the brothers. —
“11月24日——我八点起床，读经，然后去处理我的职务”（奥西普·阿列克谢耶维奇建议下，皮埃尔正在一家政府委员会任职），”回到餐桌，一个人吃午饭（伯爵夫人邀请了很多我不感兴趣的客人），适度地吃喝，午饭后为兄弟们抄写了一些段落。 —

In the evening I went down to the countess, and told a ridiculous story about B., and only bethought myself that I ought not to have done so, when every one was laughing loudly at it.
晚上我下楼去找伯爵夫人，讲了一个荒谬的B的故事，直到大家都在大声笑时我才想到我不应该这样做。

“I went to bed with a calm and happy spirit. Great Lord, help me to walk in Thy paths: —
“我带着平静幸福的心情上床睡觉。伟大的主啊，帮助我走在你的道路上： —

(1) to flee anger by gentleness and deliberation; (2) to flee lust by self-restraint and loathing; —
1) 以温和和审慎驱逐愤怒； 2) 以自我控制和厌恶驱逐欲望；” —

(3) to escape from the turmoil of the world without cutting myself off from (a) the duties of my political work, (b) the cares of my household, © relations with my friends, and (d) the management of my finances.”
（3）为了摆脱纷扰的世界，但又不疏远（a）我政治工作的责任，（b）我家务事的忧虑，（c）与朋友的关系，（d）我财务的管理。”

“November 27.—I got up late and lay a long while in bed after I was awake, giving way to sloth. —
“11月27日。――我起得很晚，醒来后在床上躺了很久，放纵懒惰。 —

My God, help me and strengthen me that I may walk in Thy ways. —
我的上帝啊，求您帮助我，坚固我的力量，使我能走在您的道路上。 —

Read the Scriptures, but without proper feeling. Brother Urusov came: —
读了圣经，但没有正确的感受。我兄弟乌鲁索夫来了： —

talked of the cares of this world. He told me of the Tsar’s new projects. —
谈论这个世界的忧虑。他告诉我沙皇的新计划。 —

I was beginning to criticise them, but remembered my principles and the words of my benefactor, that a true mason ought to be zealous in working for the state, when his aid is required, but should look on quietly at what he is not called upon to assist in. —
我开始批评它们，但记起了我的原则和恩人的话，一个真正的共济会员应该在需要时为国家努力工作，但对他不需要协助的事情，应该静观其变。 —

My tongue is my enemy. Brothers G.V. and O. visited me; —
我的舌头是我的敌人。兄弟们G.V.和O.来看我； —

there was a conversation preliminary to the reception of a new brother. —
这是一个新兄弟入会之前的谈话。 —

They lay upon me the duty of rhetor. I feel weak and unworthy. —
他们给予我演说家的责任。我感到软弱和不值得。 —

Then there was talk of the interpretation of the seven pillars and steps of the Temple, of the seven sciences, the seven virtues, the seven vices, the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit. —
接着有人们对殿堂的七座柱子和七级阶梯的解释，对七门科学、七种美德、七种恶习以及圣灵的七种恩赐的讨论。 —

Brother O. was very eloquent. In the evening the reception took place. —
奥兄非常雄辩。晚上的招待会举行了。 —

The new decoration of the building added a good deal to the magnificence of the spectacle. —
建筑的新装修使得整个场景更加壮丽。 —

Boris Drubetskoy was admitted. I had proposed him, and I was the rhetor. —
鲍里斯·德鲁别茨科伊被接纳了。我提议他，并且我是演讲者。 —

A strange feeling troubled me all the time I was with him in the dark temple. —
当我和他在黑暗的寺庙里时，一种奇怪的感觉不断困扰着我。 —

I detected in myself a feeling of hatred, which I studiously strove to overcome. —
我发现自己有一种憎恶的感觉，我努力克服它。 —

And I could sincerely have desired to save him from evil and to lead him into the way of truth, but evil thoughts of him never left me. —
我真诚地希望拯救他免受邪恶之苦，引领他走向真理，但对他的邪恶念头从未离开过我。 —

The thought came to me that his object in entering the brotherhood was simply to gain the intimacy and favour of men in our lodge. —
我想到他加入兄弟会的目的只是为了获得我们室内男子的亲密和青睐。 —

Apart from the fact that he several times asked me whether N. or S. were not members of our lodge (a question I could not answer), he is incapable, so far as my observation goes, of feeling a reverence for our holy order, and is too much occupied, and too well satisfied with the outer man, to care much for the improvement of the spiritual man. —
除了他几次问我N.或S.是否是我们会馆的成员（这个问题我无法回答），据我观察，他对我们神圣秩序没有敬畏之情，对外貌过于关注和满足，对精神层面的提升不太在意。 —

I had no grounds for doubting of him, but he seemed to me insincere; —
我没有怀疑他的理由，但他对我来说似乎不真诚； —

and all the time I stood face to face with him in the dark temple I kept fancying he was smiling contemptuously at my words, and I should have liked really to stab his bare chest with the sword I held pointed at it. —
当我在黑暗的神殿里与他面对面时，我一直觉得他在蔑视地笑我，我真想用手中的剑刺他光着的胸膛。 —

I could not be eloquent, and could not sincerely communicate my doubts to the brothers and the Grand Master. —
我无法雄辩，并且无法真诚地向兄弟们和大师传达我的疑虑。 —

O Great Architect of Nature, help me to find the true path that leads out of the labyrinth of falsehood!”
伟大的自然宇宙的建筑师啊，请帮助我找到通往真理的正确道路，走出谎言的迷宫！

After this three pages of the diary were left blank, and then had been written:
之后，日记本的三页空白，然后写着：“O Great Architect of Nature, help me to find the true path that leads out of the labyrinth of falsehood!”（伟大的自然宇宙的建筑师啊，请帮助我找到通往真理的正确道路，走出谎言的迷宫！）

“I had a long and instructive conversation with brother V., who advised me not to abandon brother A. Much was revealed to me, unworthy as I am. —
“我与V兄长进行了一次长而有益的对话，他劝我不要抛弃A兄长。尽管我卑微无能，但很多事情对我有启示。 —

Adonai is the name of the creator of worlds. Elohim is the name of the ruler of all. —
阿多奈是创世者的名字。以利沙巴是一切统治者的名字。 —

The third name, the name unutterable, has the significance of the All. Talks with brother V. strengthen and refresh me and confirm me in the path of virtue. —
那第三个无法启齿的名字，代表着万物。与V兄长的谈话使我坚定不移地走上了美德之路。 —

In his presence there is no room for doubt. —
在他面前，怀疑毫无立足之地。 —

I see clearly the distinction between the poor doctrine of mundane science and our sacred, all-embracing teaching. —
我清楚地看到了尘世科学与我们神圣全面的教义之间的区别。 —

Human sciences dissect everything to understand it, and destroy everything to analyse it. —
人类科学为了理解而解剖一切，为了分析而破坏一切。 —

In the sacred science of our order all is one, all is known for its combination and life. —
我们秩序的神圣科学将一切合而为一，以其结合和生命之道而被认知。 —

The trinity—the three elements of things—are sulphur, mercury, and salt. —
三位一体 - 事物的三个元素是硫磺、水银和盐。” —

Sulphur is of an oily and fiery nature; in its combination with salt by its fiery quality it arouses a craving in it, by means of which it attracts mercury, fastens upon it, holds it, and in combination with it forms various substances. —
硫磺具有油性和火性的特质；通过与盐的结合，它的火性特质使盐产生渴望，通过这种渴望它吸引水银，牢牢固定住它，并与它结合形成各种物质。 —

Mercury is the unsubstantial, floating, spiritual essence—Christ, the Holy Ghost, Him.”
水银是虚无、飘浮、属于精神本质——基督、圣灵。

“December 3.—I waked up late, read the Scripture, but was unmoved by it. —
“12月3日。我睡得很晚，读了圣经，却没有被感动。 —

Afterwards I went down and walked up and down the big hall. I tried to meditate; —
之后我走下楼，走来走去在大厅里。我试着冥想； —

but instead of that my imagination brought before me an incident which occurred four years ago. —
但是我想象中浮现的是四年前发生的一件事。 —

Dolohov, meeting me after my duel in Moscow, said to me that he hoped I was now enjoying complete mental peace in spite of my wife’s absence. —
多洛霍夫在我在莫斯科决斗后遇见我，说希望我现在在妻子不在的情况下享受完全的心灵安宁。 —

At the time I made him no answer. Now I recalled all the details of that interview, and in my mind made him the most vindictive and biting retorts. —
当时我没有回答他。现在我回忆起那次会面的所有细节，并在脑海中对他作出了最具报复性和尖刻的回应。 —

I recovered myself and drove away that idea, only when I had caught myself in a passion of anger; —
我重新振作起来，驱散了那个念头，只有当我发现自己陷入愤怒的激情中时才做到这一点； —

but I did not repent of it sufficiently. —
但是我对此并没有足够悔过。 —

Afterwards Boris Drubetskoy came and began describing various incidents. —
之后鲍里斯·德鲁贝茨科伊来了，开始描述各种事件。 —

The moment he came in I felt amazed at his visit and said something horrid to him. He retorted. —
他一进来，我就对他的造访感到惊讶，说了一些恶劣的话。他反驳了。 —

I got hot, and said a great deal to him that was disagreeable and even rude. —
我愤怒起来，对他说了很多不愉快甚至粗鲁的话。 —

He did not reply, and I checked myself only when it was too late. —
他没有回答，而我却迟到时才意识到停止。 —

My God, I cannot get on with him at all. It is myself too that is to blame for it. —
我的天啊，我根本无法跟他相处。这也是我自己的错。 —

I set myself above him, and so I become far inferior to him, for he is lenient to my rudeness, while I nourish a contempt for him. —
我把自己置于他之上，所以变得比他更差劲，因为他对我的粗鲁很宽容，而我对他抱着轻视。 —

My God, grant me that in his presence I may see more clearly my own vileness and act so that it may be profitable to him too. —
我的上帝，请让我在他面前更清楚地看到自己的卑鄙，并行事让他也得到益处。 —

After dinner I went to sleep, and just as I was falling asleep, I distinctly heard a voice saying in my left ear: ‘Thy day.’
晚饭后我去睡觉，就在我入睡的时候，我清楚地听到一个声音在我左耳边说：“你的日子。”

“I dreamed I was walking along in the dark and was all of a sudden surrounded by dogs, but I went on undismayed; —
“我梦见我在黑暗中行走，突然被狗包围，但我勇往直前，毫不畏惧； —

all at once one small dog seized me by the thigh with its teeth and would not let go. —
突然，一只小狗猛然咬住我的大腿，不肯放开。 —

I tried to strangle it with my hands. And as soon as I tore it off, another, a bigger one, began to bite me. —
我试图用手勒死它，但一旦我把它撕开，又有一只更大的狗开始咬我。 —

I lifted it up, and the more I lifted it up, the bigger and heavier it became. —
我把它举了起来，但越举越高，它越来越重。 —

And suddenly brother A. came up, and taking me by the arm, led me away with him and brought me into a building, to enter which we had to pass over a narrow plank. —
突然，A兄弟走了过来，抓住我的胳膊，带我离开，并把我带进了一座建筑物，我们必须走过一块窄板才能进去。 —

I stepped on it, and the plank bent and gave way, and I began clambering on the fence, which I just managed to get hold of with my hands. —
我踩上去，窄板弯曲并塌陷，于是我开始攀爬围栏，勉强用手抓住。 —

After great efforts I dragged my body up, so that my legs were hanging over on one side and my body on the other. —
费了很大努力后，我把身体拉了上去，双腿悬在一边，身子垂在另一边。 —

I looked round and saw brother A. standing on the fence and pointing out to me a great avenue and garden, and in the garden a great and beautiful building. —
我环顾四周，看到A兄弟站在围栏上，指着一条大道和一个美丽而宏伟的花园，花园里还有一座巨大的建筑物。 —

I waked up. Lord, Great Architect of Nature, help me to tear away these dogs—my evil passions and especially the last—that unites in itself the violence of all the former ones, and aid me to enter that temple of virtue, of which I was vouchsafed a vision in my sleep.”
我醒来了。主啊，伟大的自然建筑师，请帮助我摒弃这些野兽——我的邪恶激情，尤其是那个最后一个，它集合了所有先前邪恶激情的暴力，并帮助我进入那座在梦中显现给我看的美德殿堂。

“December 7.—I dreamed that Osip Alexyevitch was sitting in my house, and I was very glad to see him and eager to entertain him. —
12月7日——我梦见奥西普·阿列克谢维奇坐在我的房子里，见到他我非常高兴并热衷于招待他。 —

But in my dream I kept chattering away incessantly with other people, and all at once I bethought myself that this could not be to his liking and I wanted to come close to him and to embrace him. —
但在梦中，我一直在与其他人唠叨个不停，突然我觉得这样做可能不符合他的心意，我想靠近他并拥抱他。 —

But as soon as I approached him, I saw that his face was transformed, and had grown young, and he said something to me softly, some doctrine of our order, but so softly that I could not catch it. —
但当我走近他时，我看到他的脸变了，变得年轻，他轻声对我说了些我们秩序的教义，但声音实在太小，我听不清楚。 —

Then we all seemed to go out of the room, and something strange happened. —
然后我们似乎都走出了房间，发生了一些奇怪的事情。 —

We were sitting or lying on the floor. He was telling me something. —
我们坐或躺在地板上。他对我说了些什么。 —

But in my dream I longed to show him my devotional feeling, and, not listening to his words, I began picturing to myself the state of my own inner man, and the grace of God sanctifying me. —
但在我的梦中，我渴望向他展示我的虔诚感受，没有听他的话，我开始在脑海中构想我内心的状态和上帝给我洗净的恩典。 —

And tears came into my eyes, and I was glad that he noticed it. —
眼泪涌上了我的眼眶，我很高兴他注意到了。 —

But he glanced at me with vexation, and jumped up, breaking off his conversation with me. —
但他生气地瞥了我一眼，跳了起来，打断了我们的交谈。 —

I was abashed and asked him whether what he had been saying did not concern me. —
我感到尴尬，问他他刚才说的是否跟我有关。 —

But he made no reply, but gave me a friendly look, and then all of a sudden we found ourselves in my bedroom, where stood a big double bed. —
但他没有回答，只是友好地看了我一眼，突然我们发现自己在我的卧室里，那里站着一张大双人床。 —

He lay down on the edge of it, and I seemed to be filled with a desire to embrace him and to lie down too. —
他躺在床边，我似乎充满了拥抱他、躺下的欲望。 —

And in my dream he asked me, ‘Tell me the truth, what is your chief temptation? Do you know it? —
在梦中，他问我：“告诉我，真相是什么？你最大的诱惑是什么？你知道吗？ —

I believe that you do know it.’ Abashed at this question, I answered that sloth was my besetting temptation. —
我相信你知道。”受到这个问题的困扰，我回答说，懒惰是我最大的诱惑。 —

He shook his head incredulously. And even more abashed, I told him that though I was living here with my wife, I was not living with her as a husband. —
他惊讶地摇了摇头。尴尬得更多，我告诉他，虽然我和妻子住在这里，但我们并不以夫妻的身份生活。 —

To this he replied that I had no right to deprive my wife of my embraces, and gave me to understand that this was my duty. —
他回答说，我没有权利剥夺妻子对我的拥抱，并让我明白，这是我的责任。 —

But I answered that I should be ashamed of it, and suddenly everything vanished. —
但我回答说我会为此感到羞耻，然后一切突然消失了。 —

And I waked up, and in my mind there was the text of scripture: —
我醒来了，在我的脑海里有圣经的经文： —

‘And the life was the light of man, and the light shineth in the darkness, and the darkness comprehendeth it not.’
‘生命在人间发光，光照在黑暗中，黑暗却不理解它。

“The face of Osip Alexyevitch had been youthful and bright-looking. —
“奥西普·阿列克谢维奇的脸看起来年轻又明亮。 —

That day I received a letter from my benefactor, in which he wrote to me of my conjugal duties.
那天我收到了我的恩人的一封信，他在信中告诉我我的婚姻责任。

“December 9.—I had a dream from which I waked up with a throbbing heart. —
“12月9日，我做了一个让我心脏狂跳的梦。 —

I dreamed I was in Moscow in my own house, in the big divan-room, and Osip Alexyevitch came out of the drawing-room. —
我梦见我在莫斯科的自己的房子里，大的长沙发房间里，奥西普·阿列克谢维奇从客厅出来。 —

I dreamed that I knew at once that the process of regeneration had begun in him, and I rushed to meet him. —
我梦见我立即意识到他的再生过程已经开始，于是我冲过去迎接他。 —

I kissed his face and his hands, while he said: ‘Do you notice that my face is different?’ —
我亲吻他的脸和手，他说：“你注意到我的脸变了吗？” —

I looked at him, still holding him in my arms, and I dreamed that I saw that his face was young, but he had no hair on his head and his features were quite different. —
我抱着他看着他，梦见他的脸很年轻，但是头上没有头发，五官也有所不同。 —

And I dreamed that I said to him: ‘I should have recognised you if I had met you by chance’; —
我梦见我对他说：“如果我碰巧遇见你，我本应该认出你来。” —

and thought as I said it, ‘Am I telling the truth?’ —
我说这话的同时，心里想着：“我说的是真的吗？” —

And all at once I saw him lying like a dead body; —
突然间，我看到他像个死尸一样躺着。 —

then he gradually came to himself again and went with me into the big study, holding a big folio book of manuscript. —
然后他逐渐恢复了意识，和我一起走进了那个大书房，拿着一本大的手稿。 —

And I dreamed I said: ‘I wrote that.’ And he answered me by an inclination of the head. —
而我梦见我说：“这是我写的。”他点了点头回答我。 —

I opened the book, and on all the pages were fine drawings. —
我打开书，每一页上都有精美的图画。 —

And in my dream I knew that these pictures depicted the soul’s love adventures with its beloved. —
在我的梦中，我知道这些图片描绘了灵魂与爱人的爱情冒险。 —

And I saw a beautiful presentment of a maiden in transparent garments and with a transparent body flying up to the clouds. —
我看到一个美丽的女子，穿着透明的衣服，有着透明的身体飞向云端。 —

And I seemed to know that this maiden was nothing else but the figure of the Song of Songs. And in my dream, as I looked at these pictures, I felt I was doing wrong and could not tear myself away from them. —
在梦中，我似乎知道这个女子无非就是《雅歌》的形象。而当我看着这些图片时，感觉自己做错了事，无法自拔。 —

Lord, help me! My God, if Thy forsaking me is Thy doing, then Thy will be done; —
主啊，救救我吧！我的上帝，如果你舍弃我是你的作为，那就照你的旨意。 —

but if I am myself the cause, teach me what I am to do. —
但如果我自己是原因，教导我该怎么办。 —

I perish from my vileness as though Thou wast utterly forsaking me.”
我因着自己的污秽而灭亡，仿佛是你完全舍弃了我。