1.你的笑容比阳光下那坨狗屎还灿烂。
1. Your smile is even more brilliant than a pile of dog poop in the sunlight.
2.那些总说别人装逼的人，你们连逼都不是。
2. Those who always call others show-offs are not even worth mentioning.
3.我不恨你，因为我不想记住你。
3. I don’t hate you because I don’t want to remember you.
4.孔子曰：西游记就是孙悟空念咒，唐僧发疯。
4. Confucius said: The Journey to the West is just Sun Wukong chanting spells and Tang Sanzang going mad.
5.别人笑我太淫荡，我笑他人不开放。
5. Others laugh at me for being too promiscuous, but I laugh at them for not being open-minded.
6.对着电脑唱忐忑，唱完后，死机了。
6. I sang “Tantrum” to the computer, and after finishing the song, it crashed.
7.想死，买了瓶农药，盖子上写——再来一瓶。
7. I wanted to die, so I bought a bottle of pesticide, and the cap said - “One more bottle for free.”
8.鸵鸟的幸福，只是一堆沙子。
8. The happiness of an ostrich is just a pile of sand.
9.一觉醒来，天都黑了。
9. I woke up and it was already dark outside.
10.为什么一看书，就困呢？因为书，是梦开始的地方。
10. Why do I feel sleepy when reading a book? Because a book is where dreams begin.
11.好马不吃回头草，所以我一直不回头向前绕圈走，结果我又碰上那草了。
11. A good horse doesn’t eat the grass behind it, so I keep walking forward without looking back. But then I ran into that grass again.
12.其实，我有一个角度看上去很帅，只不过你们没有找到罢了。
12. In fact, there is an angle from which I look handsome, but you just haven’t found it yet.
13.友情不是靠酒喝出来的，但是可以用酒来回味！如果说你不装B的话咱们还可以做朋友。
13. Friendship is not built on drinking alcohol, but we can reminisce about it with a drink! If you don’t act like a show-off, we can still be friends.
14.三鹿和蒙牛告诉我们一个道理：畜生是靠不住的。
14. Sanlu and Mengniu teach us a lesson: Animals can’t be trusted.
15.我的兴趣爱好可分为静态和动态两种，静态就是睡觉，动态就是翻身。
15. My hobbies can be divided into static and dynamic. Static is sleeping, and dynamic is turning over.
16.在神经的人群里呆久了，我发现我正常了。
16. After spending time with crazy people, I found out that I’m normal.
17.我们老板是小怪兽，我们是奥特曼。但我们见了老板就跑，因为我们没带召唤器。
17. Our boss is the little monster, and we are the Ultraman. But when we see the boss, we run away because we don’t have our summoners.
18.生活中处处都有惊吓，你就是其中一个。
18. There are surprises everywhere in life, and you are one of them.
19.爷不是你的小浣熊，玩不出你的其乐无穷。
19. I am not your little raccoon, and I can’t bring you endless joy.
20.我想说我就一苦逼，世界末日的那天就是我的生日。
20. I want to say I am just a miserable person, and the day of the world’s end is my birthday.
21.人活着是为什么？就为了那一张张伟大的毛爷爷。
21. What is the purpose of living? Just for those great Chairman Mao notes.
22.长得丑不是你的错，你老实er的不行么，非得得瑟一下，让我们知道你是大哥。
22. It’s not your fault for being ugly, but can’t you just be honest? You have to show off and let everyone know you’re the boss.
23.吃货的人生就像一列火车，总结起来就是，逛吃，逛吃，逛吃。
23. A foodie’s life is like a train, which can be summarized as: shopping and eating, shopping and eating, shopping and eating.
24.诸葛亮出山前也没带过兵啊，你们凭啥要我有工作经验！
24. Zhuge Liang didn’t lead troops before he came out of the mountain, so why do you expect me to have work experience?
25.不要同没有素质的人争论，因为那就像与猪摔跤，赢了不光荣，输了更丢人。
25. Don’t argue with people who have no quality, because it’s like wrestling with a pig. Winning is not glorious, and losing is even more humiliating.
26.给我订两张去天庭的机票，我要亲自找月老，逼着他给我牵一条红线。
26. Book me two tickets to heaven, I want to find the Matchmaker myself and force him to tie a red thread for me.
27.每年夏天晒黑了，我总是会想“没事，冬天就修复好了。
27. Every summer, when I get tanned, I always think, “No problem, it will be repaired in winter.”
28.遗传学淡定的告诉我们：跨物种恋爱注定是没有好结果的。
28. Genetics calmly tells us: cross-species love is doomed to have no good results.
29.烟熏装很美，让我成了众人举目的熊猫。
29. Smoky makeup is beautiful, but it makes me the panda that everyone looks at.
30.你矮是终身的，我胖却是暂时的。
30. Your shortness is lifelong, but my fat is temporary.
31.你说，哪天我不要你了，你一定终身不嫁，让我内疚。
31. You said that if one day I don’t want you anymore, you will never marry, making me feel guilty.
32.你美中不足的是，就是有太多的不足了。
32. The only flaw in your beauty is that there are too many flaws.
33.车到山前必有路，哪怕山前拆车卖轱辘。
33. When the car reaches the mountain, there must be a road, even if it’s disassembling the car and selling the wheels in front of the mountain.
34.在这低调的世界里，我不得不用高调来掩饰自己。
34. In this low-key world, I have to use high-profile to cover myself.
35.没钱的时候，在家里吃野菜，有钱的时候，在酒店吃野菜。
35. When I have no money, I eat wild vegetables at home; when I have money, I eat wild vegetables in the hotel.
36.俺从不写措字，但俺写通假字！
36. I never write wrong characters, but I write phonetic characters!
37.勃起不是万能的，但不能勃起却是万万都不能的！
37. Erections are not omnipotent, but not being able to erect is absolutely impossible!
38.借朋友的车开，朋友说还的时候要给车加油。还车时，我冲车鼓了鼓掌。
38. I borrowed a friend’s car and was told to refuel it when returning it. When I returned the car, I clapped for it.
39.出问题先从自己身上找原因，别一便秘就怪地球没引力。
39. When there’s a problem, first look for the reasons in yourself, don’t blame the Earth’s gravity for your constipation.
40.也因寂寞难耐，谈过几次恋爱。谁知屡战屡败，轻轻松松被踹！
40. Because of unbearable loneliness, I’ve had a few relationships. But every time I was defeated and easily dumped!
41.白天瞎JB忙，晚上JB瞎忙。
41. Busy all day for no reason, and busy at night for no reason too.
42.做一个徘徊在牛A和牛C之间的人。
42. Be a person wandering between A and C.
43.问：“我的头像牛B吗？”答：“像！
43. Ask: “Is my avatar awesome?” Answer: “Yes, it is!”
44.问一个淡淡的问题：鸟儿为什么爱在电线上排排坐？最佳解释是在线才能聊天。
44. Ask a subtle question: Why do birds love to sit on power lines? The best explanation is that they can chat while online.
45.卖花的小姑娘拉着我：“大哥哥买花吧一看就知道你是花心的人。”
45. The flower-selling girl tugs at me: “Big brother, buy flowers! I can tell at a glance that you’re a flirtatious person.”
46.泼出去的水，老子连盆子都不要了。
46. I don’t even want the pot when I spill the water.
47.给我一双筷子。我可以吃掉整个地球。
47. Give me a pair of chopsticks, and I can eat the whole Earth.
48.别烦我，再烦我，你一会就掉茅坑了。
48. Don’t bother me, or you’ll end up in the latrine in a moment.
49.别回头，哥恋的只是你的背影。
49. Don’t look back, I’m just in love with your back.
50.哥吸烟，是因为它伤肺，不伤心。
50. I smoke because it hurts my lungs, not my heart.
51.凡事皆有代价，快乐的代价便是痛苦。
51. Everything has a price; the price of happiness is pain.
52.当江湖有了传说，不满城风雨，是对不起观众的。
52. When there are legends in the world, it’s a shame not to have a stormy city.
53.打死我也不说，你们还没使美人计呢！
53. I won’t tell you even if you kill me, you haven’t used the beauty trick yet!
54.大理石牌鞋垫，要脚不要脸。
54. Marble nameplate insoles, caring more about feet than face.
55.出来混，迟早会烦的。
55. If you come out to play, you’ll eventually get annoyed.
56.打你就打你，还要挑日子吗？
56. Why choose a day to hit you? I’ll do it now!
57.打个小麻将，吃个麻辣烫。找个小对象，生活就这样。
57. Play a small game of mahjong, eat some spicy hot pot. Find a small partner, and that’s life.
58.在这个什么都涨价的时代里，我突然欣喜地发现，空气没有涨价，反倒是料越来越多了。
58. In this era of rising prices, I’m delighted to find that the air hasn’t become more expensive; instead, there’s more stuff in it.
59.你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
59. Let me kneel on the washboard instead; I can’t stand kneeling in front of the electric heater!
60.女人一生最喜欢两朵花：一是有钱花，二是尽量花！
60. Women love two kinds of flowers in their lives: one is spending money, and the other is trying their best to spend!
61.两只鸳鸯同命鸟，一对蝴蝶可怜虫。
61. Two mandarin ducks share the same fate, while a pair of butterflies are pitiful creatures.
62.天上掉钞票我不会弯腰，因为天上连馅饼都不会掉，更别说掉钞票了。
62. I won’t bend down if money falls from the sky, because even pies don’t fall from the sky, let alone money.
63.是人都有阴暗面，如果你偏说你很单纯，那我只能说，你不是人！
63. Everyone has a dark side. If you insist on saying you’re innocent, then I have to say, you’re not human!
64.有时候，除了谎言是真的，其它全是假的！
64. Sometimes, except for lies, everything else is fake!
65.鸳鸯戏水，都他妈淹死；比翼双飞，都他妈摔死！
65. Mandarin ducks playing in the water all drown; birds flying side by side all crash to the ground!
66.明星脱一点就能更出名，我脱的光光的却被抓起来了！
66. Celebrities become more famous when they strip a little, but I got arrested when I stripped completely naked!
67.暧昧就是我找你借钱，你没说借，也没说不借，而是只说你老公不在家……
67. Ambiguity is when I ask you for a loan, and instead of saying yes or no, you just mention that your husband is not at home…
68.俗话说：你笑，全世界都跟着你笑；你哭，全世界只有你一个人哭。
68. As the saying goes: If you laugh, the whole world laughs with you; if you cry, only you cry alone.
69.当我看见美女的时候，首先摸摸兜里，看看有没有钱！
69. When I see a beautiful woman, I first check my pocket to see if I have any money!
70.谁说我白，瘦，漂亮，我就跟他做好朋友。
70. If anyone says I’m white, thin, and beautiful, I’ll be their best friend.
71.洗澡中，请勿打扰，偷窥请购票，个体四十，团体八折！
71. Do not disturb during shower, peeping is allowed with a ticket, individual 40, group 20% discount!
72.师太，你等着，老衲去让佛祖赐婚！
72. Wait, my dear nun, I’ll go ask the Buddha for a marriage blessing!
73.我太纯洁了，我纯洁的都有些无耻了！
73. I’m so pure that even I feel shameless!
74.穿潮了，潮过头就是非主流，穿性感，性感过头就是坐台的。
74. Dressing trendy, too much of it becomes non-mainstream; dressing sexy, too much of it makes you look like a prostitute.
75.我的进步让他刮目相看，从此他失去了双眼。
75. My progress made him take a new look at me, and since then, he has lost both his eyes.
76.我说我比较喜欢李白的诗，陆游气坏了，然后我家就没法上网了。
76. I said I prefer Li Bai’s poetry, Lu You got angry, and then my home lost its internet connection.
77.心狠手辣的我，舔了一下自己的手指，被辣哭了。
77. As a ruthless person, I licked my own finger and cried because it was so spicy.
78.老师的教诲，小明没齿难忘，于是第二天，他镶了一副假牙。
78. The teachings of the teacher were unforgettable for Xiao Ming, so the next day, he got a set of dentures.
79.愚公临死前，把儿子叫到床前。愚公：移山移山!儿子：亮晶晶?愚公猝
79. On his deathbed, Yu Gong called his son over. Yu Gong: “Move the mountain, move the mountain!” Son: “Twinkle, twinkle?” Yu Gong passed away.
80.如果考试用QB做奖励，那么国家马上就会富强的。
80. If exams used QB as rewards, the country would become strong and wealthy immediately.
81.今天天气很好，在房间里宅久了，准备去客厅散散心。
81. The weather is great today. After staying indoors for so long, I’m going to the living room to clear my head.
82.提问：为什么暑假一定比寒假长?回答：因为热胀冷缩。
82. Question: Why is summer vacation always longer than winter vacation? Answer: Because of thermal expansion and contraction.
83.心情不好的时候，我就半夜给别人打骚扰电话，把他们吵醒了，我就睡觉。
83. When I’m in a bad mood, I make prank calls in the middle of the night to wake people up, and then I go to sleep.
84.人干点好事儿总想让鬼神知道，干点坏事儿总以为鬼神不知道，我们太让鬼为难了。
84. People always want gods to know when they do good deeds, but they think gods don’t know when they do bad things. We’re really making it difficult for the gods.
85.人不犯我，我不犯人；人若犯我，礼让三分；人再犯我，我还一针；人还犯我，斩草除根。
85. If nobody troubles me, I won’t trouble anyone; if someone troubles me, I’ll be polite and give them the benefit of the doubt; if they continue to trouble me, I’ll fight back; if they still trouble me, I’ll eliminate them completely.
86.我这人从不记仇，一般有仇我当场就报了。
86. I never hold grudges; if I have a grudge, I settle it on the spot.
87.每个人出生的时候都是原创，很可惜，很多人渐渐成了盗版。
87. Every person is born original, but unfortunately, many people gradually become counterfeit.
88.一天没带眼镜逛街，看到一个既帅气又熟悉的人。想过去看看到底是谁。原来是一面镜子。
88. One day, I went shopping without my glasses and saw a handsome and familiar person. I wanted to see who it was, but it turned out to be a mirror.
89.承诺就像女人说要减肥一样，经常说却很难做到，一切都是假的话。
89. Promises are like women saying they want to lose weight; they often say it but find it hard to do, and everything is just false words.
90.爱情是毒药，糖衣太美妙，浅尝了即止就好，喝下了把命都送掉。
90. Love is a poison; the sugar coating is delightful, so just take a small taste and stop there, or you’ll risk losing your life after drinking it all.
91.不要把自己的伤口揭开给别人看，世界上多的不是医师，多的是撒盐的人。
91. Don’t expose your wounds to others; there are more people in the world who sprinkle salt than doctors.
92.我们老板是小怪兽，我们是奥特曼。但我们见了老板就跑，因为我们没带召唤器。
92. Our boss is a little monster, and we are Ultramen. But when we see the boss, we run away because we don’t have our summoners.
93.你给我一个微笑，我也会还你一个微笑，也不是善意的招呼，只是让你知道：老子笑起来比你好看。
93. If you give me a smile, I’ll give you one back. It’s not a friendly greeting, but just to let you know: I look better when I smile than you do.
94.再过几十年，我们来相会，送到火葬场，全部烧成灰，你一堆，我一堆，谁也不认识谁，全部送到农村做化肥。
94. In a few decades, we’ll meet again, sent to the crematorium, all burned to ashes. You in one pile, me in another, no one recognizing anyone, all sent to the countryside as fertilizer.
95.有事直接奔主题，不要拿你的无知，挑战我的黑名单。
95. Get straight to the point, don’t challenge my blacklist with your ignorance.
96.迄今为止，三个苹果改变了世界:一个诱-惑了夏娃，一个砸醒了牛顿，一个握在乔布斯手里。
96. So far, three apples have changed the world: one tempted Eve, one awakened Newton, and one was held in Jobs’ hand.
97.现在北京只有呼吸和放屁不用排队了。
97. Nowadays, in Beijing, only breathing and farting don’t require waiting in line.
98.即使你已名花有主，我也要移花接木。
98. Even if you’re already taken, I’ll still try to win you over.
99.鹅鹅鹅，曲项用刀割，拔毛加瓢水，点火盖上锅!
99. Goose, goose, goose, with a curved neck, cut with a knife, pluck the feathers and add water, light the fire and cover the pot!
100.给我一个女人，我可以创造一个民族，给我一瓶酒，我可以带领他们征服全世界！
100. Give me a woman, and I can create a nation; give me a bottle of wine, and I can lead them to conquer the world!
1.生下来的人没有怕死的，怕死的都没生下来，所以谁都别装横！
1. People who are born are not afraid of death, and those who are afraid of death are not born, so don’t act tough!
2.如果考试用QB做奖励，那么国家马上就会富强的。
2. If exams use QB as rewards, the country will become strong and prosperous immediately.
3.大哥，把你脸上的分辨率调低点好吗？
3. Big brother, can you lower the resolution of your face, please?
4.天塌下来你顶着，我垫着！
4. If the sky falls, you hold it up, and I’ll cushion it!
5.“特别能吃苦”这个字，我想了想，我只做到了前四个。
5. The word “especially able to endure hardship,” I thought about it, and I only managed to do the first four.
6.初恋无限好，只是挂得早。
6. First love is infinitely good, but it just ends early.
7.敬告各位家长：请不要骂自己的孩子是“小兔崽子”，因为从遗传学的角度讲，这对你们自己是非常不利的。
7. A warning to all parents: Please do not call your children “little rabbits,” because from a genetic perspective, it is very unfavorable to you.
8.谁骂我傻B我跟谁好，我就喜欢和B交朋友。
8. Whoever calls me a fool, I will be friends with them, I just like making friends with “B.”
9.世界上最远的距离不是你我天各一方，而是同窗不同房。
9. The farthest distance in the world is not you and I separated by the sky, but being in the same class, different rooms.
10.因为我掏心掏肺的去爱你，所以我只能没心没肺的放弃你。
10. Because I loved you with all my heart, I could only heartlessly and ruthlessly give you up.
11.过去一直喜欢她的胸怀宽广，其实那也无非是一片飞机场！
11. I used to like her broad-mindedness, but in fact, it was nothing more than an airport.
12.自从我变成了狗屎，就再也没有人踩在我头上了。
12. Since I became dog feces, no one has stepped on my head anymore.
13.承诺，就像放屁，当时惊天动地，过后苍白无力。
13. Promises are like farts, shocking and powerful at the time, but pale and weak afterward.
14.你若废我现在，我必废你将来。
14. If you ruin me now, I will definitely ruin your future.
15.腾讯的“正在输入”，给了多少人希望，又给了多少人失望。
15. Tencent’s “Typing” gives hope to how many people, and disappointment to how many people.
16.我们活着的大多数人，一辈子只做了三件事：自欺、欺人、被人欺。
16. Most of us who are alive only do three things in our lives: deceive ourselves, deceive others, and be deceived by others.
17.我不怕喝敌敌畏，就怕开盖畅饮，再来一瓶。
17. I am not afraid of drinking parathion, I am afraid of opening the cap and drinking, and then getting another bottle for free.
18.如果你是一朵花，那牛都不拉粪了。
18. If you are a flower, then cows won’t even pull manure.
19.你一出门千山鸟飞绝，万径人宗灭。
19. As soon as you go out, thousands of mountains and birds fly away, and all paths are empty of people.
20.女人如衣服，但姐是你穿不出来的气质。
20. Women are like clothes, but I am the temperament you can never wear out.
21.一天没带眼镜逛街，看到一个既帅气又熟悉的人。想过去看看到底是谁。原来是一面镜子。
21. One day, I went shopping without my glasses and saw someone who was handsome and familiar. I wanted to go and see who it was, but it turned out to be a mirror.
22.嘻嘻和哈哈是一对好朋友，非常要好的朋友。有一天，哈哈死了。嘻嘻很难过，他走到哈哈的坟前说：哈哈，你死了。
22. Hehe and Haha were a pair of good friends, very close friends. One day, Haha died. Hehe was very sad and went to Haha’s grave and said, “Haha, you’re dead.”
23.所谓猪一样的室友，应该就是我感冒了，让他回来给我带一盒白加黑，他给我带了一包奥利奥。
23. A roommate as piggish as I am: I caught a cold and asked him to bring me a box of Baijiahe (medicine) when he came back, but he brought me a pack of Oreos instead.
24.假如我是神笔马良的话，我会画一个井，把你放进去，再画个盖子。
24. If I were Ma Liang with the magic brush, I would draw a well, put you in it, and then draw a lid.
25.那天老师问我为什么上课睡觉，我回了句医生说吃完药就得睡觉。
25. That day, the teacher asked me why I was sleeping in class, and I replied, “The doctor said I have to sleep after taking the medicine.”
26.化学实验课，老师问我：“加钡？不加钡？”我立马喊道：“抢地主！”我觉得老师再也不会爱我了，老师大喊：“我抢！”
26. In chemistry lab class, the teacher asked me, “Add barium? Or not add barium?” I immediately shouted, “Landlord!” I think the teacher will never love me again, and the teacher shouted, “I’ll snatch!”
27.孩子们别怕，谁让你们挂科，我就让谁挂！
27. Kids, don’t be afraid. Whoever makes you fail, I’ll make them fail!
28.在神经的人群里呆久了，我发现我正常了。
28. After staying in the crowd of mentally ill people for a long time, I found that I was normal.
29.我一在强调做人要低调。可你们非要给我掌声和尖叫。
29. I keep emphasizing that one should be low-key. But you guys insist on giving me applause and screams.
30.不要把自己的伤口揭开给别人看，世界上多的不是医师，多的是撒盐的人。
30. Don’t expose your wounds to others. There are more people in the world who sprinkle salt rather than doctors.
31.我现在终于解脱了，每次看你的作文我都有一种想要自杀的冲动！
31. I am finally liberated. Every time I read your composition, I feel like committing suicide!
32.单身是一种领悟，恋爱是失误，分手是觉悟，结婚时错误，离婚是醒悟，再婚是执迷不悟，没有情人是废物，情人多了是动物。
32. Being single is an enlightenment, falling in love is a mistake, breaking up is an awakening, getting married is a mistake, getting divorced is an enlightenment, remarrying is obsession, having no lover is waste, and having many lovers is animalistic.
33.要在江湖混，最好是光棍！！
33. To get by in the world, it’s best to be a bachelor!
34.我还是很喜欢你，像风油精和辣条，声声不息。
34. I still like you very much, like Wind Oil Essence and spicy strips, never-ending.
35.说真的，我的床上功夫真的很厉害，我可以不吃不喝不上厕所在床上躺睡一天。
35. Seriously, I am really good at being in bed. I can lie in bed for a whole day without eating, drinking, or using the bathroom.
36.眉毛少的人没法做朋友，拍个照不让美白，因为一美白她眉毛就不见了。
36. People with few eyebrows can’t be friends. If I use beauty filters in photos, their eyebrows disappear because of the whitening effect.
37.我能想到最浪漫的事，就是看你慢慢变老而我依旧帅气逼人。
37. The most romantic thing I can think of is watching you slowly grow old while I remain handsome and charming.
38.养的小仓鼠生病了，不过没关系，家里有老鼠药，希望它吃过以后能好起来。
38. My pet hamster got sick, but it’s okay, because we have rat poison at home. I hope it will get better after taking it.
39.可以触摸的痛苦是什么？就是我觉得肚子都饿扁了，一摸还是有一坨肉。
39. What is tangible pain? It’s when I feel my stomach is completely empty, but when I touch it, there’s still a lump of fat.
40.强迫症就是：睡觉前必须上个厕所，如果去过厕所后再玩手机，那一会睡觉还要再去一趟。
40. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder means that before going to bed, you must go to the bathroom. If you use your phone after going to the bathroom, you’ll have to go again before sleeping.
41.如果上帝关掉你的一扇窗顺便也把门堵上了，有可能上帝要开空调了哦。
41. If God closes a window for you and blocks the door, it’s possible that God is turning on the air conditioner.
42.如果你实在饿了打电话给我，我吃点零食嚼给你听。
42. If you’re really hungry, call me, and I’ll chew some snacks for you to listen to.
43.太关注我的人，一般只有两种人，一种是暗恋我的，一种是暗算我的。
43. People who pay too much attention to me are generally only two types: one is secretly in love with me, and the other is plotting against me.
44.“我在寻找丢失的记忆”“说人话!”“我在复习”
44. “I’m looking for lost memories.” “Speak human language!” “I’m reviewing.”
45.黑夜给了我黑色的鼠标，我却用它游戏到天明。
45. The night gave me a black mouse, but I used it to play games until dawn.
46.佛曰：打人用砖乎、求饶，照乎。乎不死再使劲乎。
46. Buddha said: Hit someone with a brick, ask for mercy, and hit them again. If they don’t die, hit them harder.
47.其实我是故意不长个的，因为我恐高，长太高看着就怕。
47. Actually, I deliberately didn’t grow tall because I’m afraid of heights. If I grow too tall, I’ll be scared just by looking up.
48.夜深人静的时候，我常常问自己，当初决定来地球，到底是对是错！
48. In the quiet of the night, I often ask myself, was it right or wrong to decide to come to Earth?
49.中分看鼻子，齐刘海看脸型，斜刘海看气质，无刘海看五官，我适合蒙面！
49. For a center-parted hairstyle, check the nose; for a full bangs hairstyle, check the face shape; for a side bangs hairstyle, check the temperament; for no bangs, check the facial features. I’m suitable for wearing a mask!
50.当初我看上你，因为我脑子进水了，现在我脑子抖干了。
50. I took a liking to you back then because my brain was waterlogged. Now my brain has dried up.
51.征婚启事：要求如下，A活的，B女的。
51. Marriage wanted ad: Requirements are as follows, A: alive, B: female.
52.在街上看美女，目光高一点就是欣赏，目光低一点就是流氓。
52. Looking at beautiful women on the street, if your gaze is higher, it’s appreciation; if your gaze is lower, it’s being a pervert.
53.在这个薄情年代，要想别人对你念念不忘，最好的办法就是欠钱不还！
53. In this unemotional era, the best way to make others remember you is to borrow money and not pay it back!
54.我们只要有一颗自信心，神马都米有鸭梨。
54. As long as we have self-confidence, there will be no pressure.
55.我的人生一半是倒霉，另一半是处理倒霉的事。
55. My life is half bad luck, and the other half is dealing with bad luck.
56.总觉得，床吧，铺得太整齐，会有点安度晚年的意思。嗯，还是凌乱些，比较有朝气。
56. I always feel that if the bed is too neatly made, it will have a sense of spending the twilight years in peace. Hmm, it’s better to be a bit messy, which is more energetic.
57.考试时，本想要咸鱼翻锅的，他奶奶的，没想到粘锅了。
57. During the exam, I wanted to turn the salted fish, but it turned out to be stuck to the pan.
58.为了祖国的下一代，再丑都得谈恋爱，谈到世界充满爱。
58. For the sake of the next generation of the motherland, even if you’re ugly, you have to fall in love and make the world full of love.
59.打个小麻将，吃个麻辣烫。找个小对象，生活就这样。
59. Play a small game of mahjong, eat some spicy hot pot. Find a small partner, and that’s life.
60.当江湖有了传说，不满城风雨，是对不起观众的。
60. When there are legends in the martial world, it would be对不起观众 (an unforgivable offense to the audience) if the whole city is not in turmoil and rain.
61.凡事皆有代价，快乐的代价便是痛苦。
61. Everything has a price, and the price of happiness is pain.
62.我是心眼小，但是不缺，我是脾气好，但不是没有！
62. I have a small mind, but it’s not lacking; I have a good temper, but it’s not nonexistent!
63.问：你喜欢我哪一点？答：我喜欢你离我远一点！
63. Q: What do you like about me? A: I like you staying away from me!
64.这个世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
64. In this world, I only trust two people: one is me, and the other is not you.
65.鸭子太嚣张，兔子太多嘴，我是猪，我很乖。
65. Ducks are too arrogant, rabbits talk too much, I am a pig, and I am well-behaved.
66.日照香芦升子烟，李白来到烤鸭店，口水直流三千尺，一模兜里没有钱。
66. The sun rises, and the fragrance of reeds turns into smoke; Li Bai arrives at the roast duck shop, his mouth watering for three thousand feet, but he has no money in his pocket.
67.俺从不写错字，但俺写通假字。
67. I never make mistakes in writing, but I write with alternative characters.
68.有困难要帮，没有困难制造困难也要帮。在美人面前则修正为：有危险要救，没有危险制造危险也要救。
68. If there is difficulty, help; if there is no difficulty, create difficulty and help. In front of a beauty, it is modified to: If there is danger, save; if there is no danger, create danger and save.
69.如果有钱也是一种错，那我情愿一错再错。
69. If being rich is also a mistake, then I would rather make the same mistake again and again.
70.年纪轻轻，体重倒是不轻。余额不多，想买的倒是不少。
70. Young in age, but not light in weight. Not much balance, but many things to buy.
71.你们经过草丛的时候小心点，别弄脏了我这个月要吃的土。
71. Be careful when you pass through the grass, don’t dirty the soil I will eat this month.
72.不要和傻逼争论了，你是小仙女，不能泄露了仙气。
72. Don’t argue with idiots, you are a fairy, and you can’t reveal your fairy aura.
73.皮肤给你送了，段位给你打了，你现在跟我说你是男的，草泥马就算是男的我也要跟你在一起。
73. I’ve given you the skin, and I’ve played the game for you, and now you tell me you’re a guy? Even if you were a guy, I would still be with you.
74.人要是倒霉起来，吃火锅不管坐哪里，烟都往你脸上飘。
74. When people are unlucky, no matter where they sit when eating hot pot, the smoke will drift towards their face.
75.又到了起床靠毅力，洗衣靠耐力，上班靠洪荒之力，洗澡靠爆发力的季节了。
75. It’s that season again when getting up relies on willpower, washing clothes relies on endurance, going to work relies on the power of the primordial chaos, and taking a shower relies on explosive power.
76.悲伤已经在现代泛滥成灾了，所以记得对自己好点。
76. Sadness has become a disaster in modern times, so remember to treat yourself well.
77.时间过得真快，还差三百五十五天我们就认识一年了。
77. Time flies; there are only 350 days left before we’ve known each other for a year.
78.终于知道“友谊”在英语中为啥是friendship了，因为友谊的小船说翻就翻。
78. I finally understand why “friendship” is called friendship in English, because the ship of friendship can capsize at any moment.
79.好看的人一年四季都很酷，而你只有秋酷。
79. Good-looking people are cool all year round, while you are only cool in autumn.
80.春眠不觉晓，挂Q莫骚扰。突闻QQ声，实话有多少。
80. In spring, I sleep without realizing the dawn; don’t disturb me on QQ. Suddenly, I hear the sound of QQ, how much is the truth?
81.打算理发了，甩流海甩得头都崴了。
81. I’m planning to get a haircut, as my bangs have been causing me a headache.
82.我的兴趣爱好可分为静态和动态两种，静态就是睡觉，动态就是翻身。
82. My hobbies can be divided into two types: static, which is sleeping, and dynamic, which is turning over.
83.刷牙是件悲喜交加的事，一手拿杯具，一手拿洗具。
83. Brushing teeth is a bittersweet task, holding a cup in one hand and a toothbrush in the other.
84.锄禾日当午，上学真幸苦，已进入学校，罚站一下午。
84. Hoeing the field under the midday sun, school is really tough; as soon as I enter the school, I have to stand for the whole afternoon.
85.我平胸我骄傲，我为国家省布料。
85. I’m proud of my flat chest, as I save fabric for the country.
86.执子之手，将子拖走，子若不走，拍晕了继续拖走！
86. Holding your hand, I’ll drag you away; if you don’t leave, I’ll knock you out and continue dragging you!
87.自从得了精神病，整个人都精神多了。
87. Ever since I got mental illness, I’ve become more energetic.
88.会演戏的不一定都是演员，会装的一定就是孙子。
88. Not everyone who can act is an actor, but those who pretend are definitely hypocrites.
89.不听老人言，死在我面前，唔唔唔！
89. If you don’t listen to the elderly, die in front of me, wuwuwu!
90.在家不能对着手机笑，家长会以为你在恋爱。
90. At home, don’t laugh at your phone, or your parents will think you’re in love.
91.不管瘦的时候美成啥样，胖了之后都一个德行。
91. No matter how beautiful you are when you’re thin, once you gain weight, you all look the same.
92.黑夜给了我一双黑色的眼睛，可我却用它来翻白眼。
92. The night gave me black eyes, but I use them to roll my eyes.
93.我是个演员，一看见漂亮MM眼就圆。
93. I’m an actor, and my eyes widen when I see pretty girls.
94.给我一个支点，我把邻居那小子的汽车翘到沟里去，省得他见我就按喇叭。
94. Give me a fulcrum, and I’ll lift my neighbor’s car into the ditch, so he won’t honk at me when he sees me.
95.别说世界抛弃了你，世界根本没空搭理你。
95. Don’t say the world has abandoned you; the world just doesn’t have time to care about you.
96.请不要把我对你的容忍，当成你不要脸的资本。
96. Please don’t treat my tolerance as your capital for shamelessness.
97.你匍匐在地上仰视别人，就不能怪人家站得笔直俯视你。
97. If you crawl on the ground and look up at others, don’t blame them for standing straight and looking down at you.
98.下雨了，别忘了打伞，湿身是小，淋病就麻烦啦！
98. It’s raining, don’t forget to bring an umbrella; getting wet is minor, but catching a cold would be troublesome!
99.活了二十多年，没能为祖国为人民做点什么，每思及此，伤心欲绝。
99. I’ve lived for over twenty years and haven’t done anything for the motherland and the people. Whenever I think about this, I’m heartbroken.
100.将薪比薪的想一下，算了，不想活了。
100. Comparing my salary to others, forget it, I don’t want to live anymore.
幽默味十足的搞笑个性签名
1. 人生就像一场戏，因为有缘才相聚，可惜我演的是路人甲。 Life is like a play, we gather because of fate, but unfortunately, I play the role of a passerby. 2. 有时候觉得自己像个神经病，一会儿想东想西，一会儿又什么都不想。 Sometimes I feel like a psycho, thinking about everything one moment and nothing the next. 3. 我的人生目标就是活到老，吃到老，玩到老，然后变成一个有趣的鬼魂。 My life goal is to live until I’m old, eat until I’m old, and play until I’m old, and then become an interesting ghost. 4. 世界上最远的距离不是生与死，而是我站在你面前，你却在玩手机。 The farthest distance in the world is not between life and death, but rather when I stand in front of you, and you’re playing with your phone. 5. 人生就像一盒巧克力，你永远不知道下一颗会是什么味道，但我敢打赌，肯定不是减肥的味道。 Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what the next one will taste like, but I bet it won’t be a diet-friendly flavor. 6. 有时候觉得自己是个天才，有时候又觉得自己是个笨蛋，后来才发现，原来我是双子座。 Sometimes I feel like a genius, sometimes I feel like a fool, and then I realized, I’m a Gemini. 7. 人生就像一场游戏，玩得开心就好，别太在意输赢，毕竟最后都得回水。 Life is like a game; as long as you’re having fun, it’s all that matters. Don’t worry too much about winning or losing; after all, we all end up back at the starting point eventually. 8. 我的人生座右铭是：不要等待机会，而是创造机会，然后把机会搞砸。 My life motto is: Don’t wait for opportunities; create them and then mess them up. 9. 有时候觉得自己很懒，但转念一想，我这不叫懒，这叫节能。 Sometimes I feel lazy, but then I think, it’s not laziness; it’s energy conservation. 10. 人生就像一场梦，梦醒了，一切都会过去，但至少我们还有回忆。 Life is like a dream; when you wake up, everything will pass, but at least we still have memories.
1.哪怕幸福只露出一根线头，她有本事将它拽出来，织成一件毛衣。
1. Even if happiness only shows a thread, she has the ability to pull it out and knit it into a sweater.
2.把漂亮当资本是愚蠢，把漂亮当能能源是智慧。
2. Taking beauty as capital is foolish, but taking beauty as energy is wise.
3.每当我找到了成功的钥匙，就有人把所给换了。
3. Every time I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
4.你一出门，千山鸟飞绝，万径人踪灭。
4. As soon as you go out, a thousand mountains are devoid of birds, and ten thousand paths are devoid of people.
5.今天心情不好，我只有四句话想说，包括这句和前面的两句，我的话说完了。
5. I’m in a bad mood today, and I only have four sentences to say, including this one and the two before it. My words are finished.
6.好久没有人把牛皮吹的这么清新脱俗了！
6. It’s been a long time since someone has boasted so refreshing and unconventional!
7.胖人当然一样可以自信，但如果你耿耿于体重不能释怀，那么还是减肥吧
7. Of course, fat people can be confident, but if you can’t let go of your weight, then lose weight.
8.多亏我是个胖子，伤心时我可以捏捏肚子。
8. Fortunately, I’m a fat person, so when I’m sad, I can pinch my stomach.
9.那些说我不用减肥的人都是坏人。
9. Those who say I don’t need to lose weight are bad people.
10.不会到男装店找适合自己的“女装”。
10. Don’t go to men’s clothing stores to find suitable “women’s clothing” for yourself.
11.本来准备今年瘦成一道闪电，亮瞎你们的眼，不想竟然胖成了坚果墙，挡住了你们的视线。
11. I was planning to be as thin as a lightning bolt this year, dazzling your eyes, but I didn’t expect to become a nut wall, blocking your sight.
12.浪漫出游时，不会把男朋友自行车的后带磨平。
12. When going on a romantic trip, don’t wear out the rear tire of your boyfriend’s bicycle.
13.穿别人的鞋，走自己的路，让他们打的找去吧。
13. Wear other people’s shoes and walk your own path, let them take a taxi to find it.
14.多多关注三峡在线，便可分享更多经典盘点。
14. Pay more attention to Three Gorges Online to share more classic reviews.
15.路见不平一声吼，吼完继续往前走。
15. When you see injustice, shout out, and then continue to move forward.
16.你那么喜欢劈腿，怎么不去跳芭蕾舞。
16. If you like cheating so much, why don’t you go dance ballet?
17.女人先表现自己大方，男人就不敢小气。
17. When women show their generosity first, men dare not be stingy.
18.卧梅又闻花，卧枝伤恨低。邀闻卧石碎，卧湿达春绿。
18. Lying on the plum branch, I smell the flowers; lying on the branch, I feel the hatred low. Inviting to lie on the broken stone, lying in the wet spring green.
19.人生不能像做菜、把所有的料都准备好才下锅。
19. Life can’t be like cooking; you can’t prepare all the ingredients before starting to cook.
20.如果你容不下我，不是你的心胸太狭小，就是我的人格太伟大。
20. If you can’t tolerate me, it’s either because your heart is too narrow or my personality is too great.
21.铁杵能磨成针，但木杵只能磨成牙签，材料不对，再努力也没用。
21. An iron rod can be ground into a needle, but a wooden rod can only be ground into a toothpick. If the material is not right, no amount of effort will help.
22.人生如戏，爱的是一个，结婚生子的又是另一个。很正常。
22. Life is like a drama; you may love one person, but marry another. It’s quite normal.
23.彪悍的人生是不需要解释的。
23. A fierce life requires no explanation.
24.好男人就是我我就是曾小贤。
24. A good man is me, and I am Zeng Xiaoxian.
25.你今天晚上必须给我上线，否则，我就把你名字写到碑上去。
25. You must log in tonight, or I will engrave your name on a tombstone.
26.说爱你，不一定是真的爱；说不爱你，那是真的一定爱过。
26. Saying “I love you” doesn’t necessarily mean true love; saying “I don’t love you” is truly a sign of having loved.
27.阿弥陀佛，出家人不打诳语。女施主，你的确是贫僧自东土出行至今所遇的，最美丽、最性感的女子，你看你这秀发，这玉手，这肌肤，这手感……
27. Amitabha, monks do not tell lies. Female benefactor, you are indeed the most beautiful and sexy woman I have encountered since I left the East. Look at your hair, your jade-like hands, your skin, and the touch…
28.我妈就生了我一个，你自己算算看我算老几呢。
28. My mother only gave birth to me, so you can figure out my rank.
29.无聊对着电脑唱忐忑，唱完之后，电脑突然死机了。
29. Bored, I sang “Tantrum” to my computer, and after I finished, the computer suddenly crashed.
30.聪明的女人对付男人，而笨女人对付女人。
30. Smart women deal with men, while foolish women deal with other women.
31.女娲日天，后羿射之。
31. Nuwa dares to challenge the sky, and Houyi shoots her down.
32.再过几十年，我们来相会，送到火葬场，全部烧成灰，你一堆，我一堆，谁也不认识谁，全部送到农村做化肥。
32. In a few decades, when we meet again, we’ll be sent to the crematorium, all burned to ashes. You in one pile, me in another, no one recognizing anyone. All will be sent to the countryside as fertilizer.
33.有妞不泡，大逆不道；见妞就泡，替天行道；大腿细细，身怀绝技，屁股小小，没完没了！
33. Not chasing a girl is a great sin; chasing every girl is doing heaven’s will. With slender thighs and unique skills, a small butt, and endless energy!
34.他们说我是BT，让我去做CT，结果我是ET。
34. They say I’m BT, so I went for a CT scan, and it turns out I’m ET.
35.袋鼠：唉，没钱，口袋再大也还是鼠！
35. Kangaroo: Alas, without money, even a big pocket is still just a rat!
36.乌贼：娘的，满肚子墨水居然也会是贼吗！
36. Cuttlefish: Damn it, can having ink in my belly make me a thief?
37.青春就像卫生纸。看着挺多的，用着用着就不够了。
37. Youth is like toilet paper. It seems like there’s plenty, but as you use it, it runs out.
38.“老师，我想请假。”“你怎么了？”“我晕课。”“滚！”“谢谢老师！”
38. “Teacher, I want to ask for leave.” “What’s wrong with you?” “I’m dizzy from class.” “Get out!” “Thank you, teacher!”
39.每过一天，我就在日历上打个圈。到星期天的时候，才发现日子被我过成了省略号。
39. Every day that passes, I make a circle on the calendar. When Sunday comes, I realize that I’ve turned my life into ellipses.
40.听说女人如衣服，兄弟如手足。回想起来，我竟然七手八脚的裸奔了年!
40. I heard that women are like clothes, and brothers are like hands and feet. Looking back, I’ve been running naked with eight hands and feet for years!
41.我不是随便的人，我随便起来不是人。
41. I am not a casual person, but when I get casual, I am not human.
42.我的未来不是梦，我的未来是噩梦。
42. My future is not a dream, it’s a nightmare.
43.我认为我颓废，原来我报废了!
43. I thought I was decadent, but it turns out I am obsolete!
44.夏天和男友一同逛街时，他不会老想走在你后面乘阴凉。
44. When strolling with your boyfriend in the summer, he won’t always want to walk behind you to enjoy the shade.
45.迎面走来的男士，错身，回头是因为欣赏而不是出于好奇。
45. When a man approaches and passes by, he looks back out of appreciation rather than curiosity.
46.瘦出一张小脸，省了多少化妆品啊。
46. Having a slim face saves so much on makeup.
47.挤公车和地铁的时候，游刃有余。
47. In crowded buses and subways, there’s always room to maneuver.
48.要知道，对售货小姐说“有没有特大号的衣服”时，是一件很丢脸的事情;但是“这里的衣服都太肥了”却可以理直气壮地说出口。
48. You should know that it’s embarrassing to ask the salesgirl, “Do you have extra-large clothes?”; however, you can confidently say, “The clothes here are too loose.”
49.连汤加国王都命令全国减肥了。
49. Even the King of Tonga has ordered the entire nation to lose weight.
50.遗传学淡定地告诉我们：跨物种恋爱注定是没有好结果的。
50. Calmly, genetics tells us: interspecies relationships are doomed to have no good outcome.
51.月老啊！您能不要用山寨劣质的红绳给我牵姻缘？隔三差五断啊。
51. Matchmaker, can you please not use counterfeit and inferior red strings to connect my marriage? They break every now and then.
52.何文轩曾对李清远说过一句话：你之所以还不是GAY，是因为还没遇到让你心动的男人。
52. He Wenxuan once said to Li Qingyuan: “The reason you’re not gay is because you haven’t met a man who makes your heart race yet.”
53.呸！我耳朵都竖起来了，你就给我听这个？”
53. “Pfft! I’ve been all ears, and that’s what you give me to listen to?”
54.我无法拉伸生命的长度，但是我可以拓展生命的宽度。我胖了才显得你瘦，免得我瘦的时候显得你丑。
54. I cannot stretch the length of my life, but I can expand its width. I gain weight to make you look thinner, so that when I’m thin, I don’t make you look ugly.
55.我的读书生涯仅仅能做的两件事就是看学霸秀成绩，看情侣秀恩爱。
55. The only two things I can do during my school life are to watch the top students show off their grades and watch couples show off their love.
56.咱们这个国度，人口资源丰富。但为何娶不到老婆的男人还是不计其数?是因为封建思想的束缚，打乱了男女的比例和数目，还是因为社会的退步，又重新开始了一夫多妻的制度?
56. In our country, we have abundant human resources. However, why is it that there are still countless men who cannot find wives? Is it because feudal thinking has disrupted the ratio and number of men and women, or is it due to the social regression, which has led to the reintroduction of a polygamous system? Please translate the above paragraph (original text) into corresponding English lines, ensuring the translation is in line with English habits, retains the original numbering, punctuation, and tags. Check: After translating the translation back into the original language, it should have the same meaning as the original text. If not, please re-translate without adding any additional explanations or descriptions, and return the entire translation.
57.冲动时我真恨不得变成动物，哪怕只是头卖力的牲畜。听凭主人的吩咐，不用感受做人的无助。或者干脆来个移花接木，彻底的做个变性手术。跑到人群中滥竽充数，也好让同胞们多一条可以选择的出路。
57. When I’m impulsive, I really wish I could become an animal, even just a hardworking beast of burden. To follow the orders of my master without experiencing the helplessness of being human. Or perhaps I could undergo a complete transformation and have a sex change surgery. Blending into the crowd as a pretender, so as to give my fellow people one more option to choose from.
58.光棍节到了，小鸟恋爱了，蚂蚁同居了，苍蝇怀孕了，蚊子流产了，蝴蝶离婚了，毛毛虫改嫁了，青蛙也生孩子了，你还在等什么呢?
58. Singles’ Day has arrived, the little bird is in love, the ants are cohabiting, the flies are pregnant, the mosquitoes had a miscarriage, the butterflies got divorced, the caterpillars remarried, and the frogs had children. What are you still waiting for?
59.街上的婚介星罗棋布。我也曾幻想著他们能帮我打开销路。然而最终的结果是让我明白了什么叫认贼作父，并被婚托儿们榨干了我几年的收入。
59. Matchmaking agencies are scattered all over the streets. I once fantasized that they could help me expand my market. However, the final result made me understand the meaning of “mistaking a thief for a father” and being drained of my income for several years by the marriage scammers.
60.众里寻她千百度，踏平脚下路。蓦然回首细环顾，大婶大娘无数。偶有美女光顾，还是有夫之妇，余下大多数，基本不堪入目。
60. Searching for her among the crowd, I’ve traversed countless paths. Suddenly looking back and taking a closer look, there are countless aunts and big sisters. Occasionally, a beautiful woman would visit, but she would be a married woman. The majority of the rest are basically unbearable to behold.
61.有个老太太都在缸里蹲半天了，多点时间让她透透气吧。
61. There’s an old lady who has been squatting in the jar for half a day; give her some time to catch her breath.
62.唱歌给我听，开心了就让你走。
62. Sing me a song, and if it makes me happy, I’ll let you go.
63.在我尿频的时候你还在嘲笑我。
63. You were still making fun of me when I had frequent urination.
64.脸皮怎么那么厚，让猪皮情何以勘。
64. How can your face be so thick, making pig skin feel ashamed?
65.美女眼前过，不泡是罪过。
65. It’s a sin not to flirt when a beautiful woman passes by.
66.蓦然回首，你咋还没走。
66. Suddenly looking back, why haven’t you left yet?
67.恶人从不搞笑，恶人要抓紧时间做恶。
67. Evil people never make jokes; they should hurry up and commit evil deeds.
68.恶人说：再说俺是恶人，俺就害死你!
68. Evil person says: If you call me an evil person again, I will kill you!
69.不管多大岁数的人类成员，在钱面前，一概年轻。
69. No matter how old a human member is, they are all young in front of money.
70.鸭子太嚣张，兔子太多嘴，我是猪，我很乖。
70. Ducks are too arrogant, rabbits talk too much, I am a pig, and I am very well-behaved.
71.禽兽尚且有半点怜悯之心，而我一点也没有，所以我不是禽兽。
71. Even animals have a bit of compassion, but I don’t have any, so I am not an animal.
72.我家的金鱼今早淹死了。
72. My goldfish drowned this morning.
73.所谓网虫，就是在杂志上看到下划线也想用鼠标去点。
73. The so-called internet addict is someone who wants to click on a underlined text with a mouse when they see it in a magazine.
74.娶老婆应是娶小绍，交朋友应是令狐冲，做男儿最好做乔峰，出来混还得韦小宝。
74. To marry, one should marry Xiaoshao; to make friends, one should make friends with Linghu Chong; to be a man, it’s best to be Qiao Feng, and to get by in life, one must be Wei Xiaobao.
75.如果有钱也是一种错，那我情愿一错再错。
75. If having money is also a mistake, then I would rather make the same mistake again and again.
76.男人的实力就是你兜里的人民币。
76. A man’s strength is the Renminbi in your pocket.
77.你的话，我连标点符号都不信。
77. I don’t believe even the punctuation in what you say.
78.人生就像打电话，不是你先挂，就是我先挂。
78. Life is like making a phone call; either you hang up first or I do.
79.距离产生的不是美，是小三。
79. Distance does not create beauty, but rather creates a mistress.
80.世界那么乱，装纯给谁看。
80. The world is so chaotic; who are you pretending to be pure for?
81.非诚勿扰女嘉宾再牛也就灭一个男的的灯，宿舍楼下阿姨能灭一整楼的!
81. The female guests on the show “If You Are the One” may be impressive, but they can only extinguish the light of one male contestant; the aunty at the dormitory building can extinguish the lights of an entire building!
82.一直对发型不满意的人，有一个共同点:不肯承认这是脸的问题。
82. People who are always dissatisfied with their hairstyles have one thing in common: they refuse to admit that it’s a problem with their face.
83.我把所有的记忆串联成一部电影，一部悲剧就生产了。
83. I’ve strung together all my memories into a movie, and a tragedy has been created.
84.都说姐漂亮，其实都是妆出来的。
84. Everyone says I’m beautiful, but it’s all thanks to makeup.
85.挨饿这事，干得好就叫减肥;掐人这事，干得好就叫按摩;发呆这事，干得好就叫深沉;偷懒这事，干得好就叫享受;死皮赖脸这事，干得好就叫执著;装傻这事，如果干的好，那叫大智若愚。
85. Starving can be called dieting if done well; pinching someone can be called massaging if done well; daydreaming can be called being profound if done well; being lazy can be called enjoying life if done well; being shameless can be called persistence if done well; and acting foolish can be called wisdom in folly if done well.
86.友情就像花瓶一样，被人一捣鼓就碎了。
86. Friendship is like a vase, easily shattered when tampered with.
87.内练一口气，外练一口屁。
87. Cultivate your inner breath and outer aura.
88.能动手，就尽量别吵吵。
88. If you can take action, try not to argue.
89.能抗洪的尿布湿，才是真正的尿布湿！
89. A diaper that can withstand flooding is truly a great diaper!
90.你穿的很危险，但长得很安全。
90. You dress dangerously, but you look safe.
91.有些事，有些人，有些风景，一旦入眼入心，即便刹那，也是永恒。
91. Some things, some people, and some landscapes, once they enter your eyes and heart, even for a moment, become eternal.
92.逃得了和尚，逃不了方丈。
92. You can escape a monk, but you can’t escape the abbot.
93.现在生米都已经煮成稀饭了。
93. The raw rice has already been cooked into porridge.
94.唾沫是用来数钞票的不是用来讲理的。
94. Spit is for counting money, not for reasoning.
95.跟我打赌，不是看你要什么，而是看我有什么……
95. When betting with me, it’s not about what you want, but what I have…
96.你每天都和他们聊到半夜，他们哪有时间创造人类呢？
96. You chat with them until midnight every day; when do they have time to procreate?
97.我肯定会被砍成薯片的。
97. I’m bound to be chopped into potato chips.
98.国家为什么没有拿你的脸皮去研究防弹衣呢?
98. Why hasn’t the country used your脸皮 to research bulletproof vests?
99.莫非阁下就是当年华山论贱的智障大师养的小沙弥低能狗旺财踩死的屎壳螂层滚过的的一颗粪球?
99. Could it be that you are the dung beetle crushed by the lowly dog, raised by the master of idiocy from the Huashan Debate, who himself was nurtured by a mentally challenged monk?
100.你不是我脑袋里的交警，无权干预我的走向。
100. You are not the traffic cop in my head; you have no right to interfere with my direction.
适合写在微信签名的搞笑句子
1. 我的智商已经无法充值，请直接打钱给我。 My IQ is no longer rechargeable, please send money directly to me. 2. 我的人生就像一部电影，只不过导演是个疯子。 My life is like a movie, only the director is a madman. 3. 我有一颗善良的心，但我更喜欢用它来做坏事。 I have a kind heart, but I prefer to use it for doing bad things. 4. 有时候，我觉得我是一只猫，因为我总是在夜里最活跃。 Sometimes, I feel like a cat because I am always most active at night. 5. 我不是一个完美的人，但我可以给你一个完美的微笑。 I am not a perfect person, but I can give you a perfect smile. 6. 如果你觉得自己很无聊，不妨试试和我聊天。 If you feel bored, try chatting with me. 7. 我是一个简单的人，只要给我足够的零食，我就会很开心。 I am a simple person, as long as you give me enough snacks, I will be very happy. 8. 我的大脑就像一个迷宫，有时候我自己都会迷路。 My brain is like a maze, sometimes even I get lost in it. 9. 我是一个有原则的人，我的原则就是没有原则。 I am a person with principles, and my principle is to have no principles. 10. 有时候，我觉得自己是个超级英雄，因为我总是在拯救自己的世界。 Sometimes, I feel like a superhero because I am always saving my own world.
1.不蒸馒头争口气行吗?
1. Can we just fight for dignity without making steamed buns?
2.不要乐观的像个屁一样，自以为能惊天动地。
2. Don’t be overly optimistic like a fart, thinking you can shake the world.
3.步步高打火机，哪里不会点哪里。
3. Step-by-step high lighter, point where you don’t know.
4.男人不能惯，越惯越混蛋。女人就得宠，越宠越有种，还是别人的。
4. Men should not be spoiled, the more you spoil them, the more bastards they become. Women should be pampered, the more you pamper them, the more character they have, but they still belong to others.
5.穿的一个比一个危险，长得一个比一个安全
5. One is dressed more dangerously than the other, but one is safer in appearance than the other.
6.春色满园关不住，我诱红杏出墙来。
6. The spring scenery in the garden cannot be contained, I lure the red apricot to climb the wall.
7.到处都有痛苦，而比痛苦更为持久且尖利伤人的是，到处都有抱有期望的等待。
7. Pain is everywhere, but what is more enduring and sharp than pain is the expectation of waiting everywhere.
8.和你擦肩而过你却不知道是我，因为我把头扭过去了。
8. I passed by you, but you didn’t know it was me because I turned my head away.
9.即使有人骂我神经病，我也会坚强的抬起头蔑视的对他说“你难道和我一个医院的?
9. Even if someone calls me a lunatic, I will raise my head strongly and despise them, saying, “Are you from the same hospital as me?”
10.戒烟容易，戒你太难!
10. Quitting smoking is easy, but quitting you is too hard!
11.考试时，本想要咸鱼翻锅的，他奶奶的，没想到粘锅了。
11. During the exam, I wanted to turn the salted fish, but it stuck to the pan.
12.没有人在世界上能够“弃”你，除非你自己自暴自弃。因为我们是属于自己的，并不属于他人。
12. No one in the world can “abandon” you unless you give up on yourself. Because we belong to ourselves, not to others.
13.从前有人在我空间里跑堂，不到两秒钟，嘎的一下就死了。
13. Once, someone ran through my space, and in less than two seconds, they suddenly died.
14.大部分人一辈子只做三件事：自欺、欺人被人欺。
14. Most people do three things in their lives: deceive themselves, deceive others, and be deceived.
15.你的年龄有多大，我不关心。我想知道，为了爱，为了梦，为了生机勃勃的奇遇，你是否愿意像傻瓜一样冒险?
15. I don’t care how old you are. I want to know, for love, for dreams, for vibrant adventures, are you willing to take risks like a fool?
16.顾客不是上帝，顾客只是上当。
16. Customers are not God, customers are just deceived.
17.人间正道是沧桑，活的不要太嚣张。
17. The right path in life is full of vicissitudes, don’t live too arrogantly.
18.如果你年轻却不激进，那么你就是个没心的人，如果你老了却不保守，那么你就是个没脑的人。
18. If you are young and not radical, you are heartless. If you are old and not conservative, you are brainless.
19.如今这社会，女的照相照胸，男的照相照车谁知道胸是不是挤的，车是不是你的。
19. In today’s society, women take photos of their chests, men take photos of their cars. Who knows if the chest is squeezed or if the car is yours?
20.你肺活量是多少啊，能把牛B吹的这么大。
20. How much lung capacity do you have, to blow such a big牛皮 (bragging)?
21.世界上的脑残这么多，可是你却成了其中的佼佼者。
21. There are so many idiots in the world, and yet you have become one of the best among them.
22.淑女就是未进化的比卡丘。绅士就是披着羊毛的狼。
22. A lady is an unevolved Pikachu. A gentleman is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
23.还没来得急沾花捻草，就已经被别人拔光了。
23. I haven’t even had the chance to flirt, and someone has already plucked the flowers and grass.
24.当初我看上你，因为我脑子进水了，现在我脑子抖干了。
24. I was attracted to you because my brain was soaked, but now it’s dried up.
25.我们就像两条平行线，永远也不会有交点。
25. We are like two parallel lines, never to intersect.
26.家长会和小三的性质都是一样的，都是挑拨家庭关系的。
26. Parent-teacher conferences and mistresses are of the same nature, both are trying to disrupt family relationships.
27.大大咧咧不一定是坏，温文尔雅不一定是真。
27. Being carefree doesn’t necessarily mean bad, and being gentle and refined doesn’t necessarily mean true.
28.我本就不是娇滴滴的女生，不需要被保护，一个人也可以很好。
28. I am not a delicate girl by nature, I don’t need protection, and I can be just fine on my own.
29.就算你瘦了，变好看了，你什么都好了，不爱你的人还是不爱你。
29. Even if you lose weight, become more attractive, and everything is perfect, those who don’t love you still won’t love you.
30.婊子配狗天长地久，狗男配鸡如胶似漆。
30. A bitch and a dog will be together forever, a dog man and a hen will stick together like glue.
31.如果你讨厌我，我一点也不介意，我活着不是为了取悦你。
31. If you hate me, I don’t mind at all, I am not living to please you.
32.世界上最爱我的男人，已经娶了我妈。
32. The man who loves me the most in the world has already married my mom.
33.真正的境界是宁可自己去原谅别人，莫让别人来原谅你。
33. The true state is to prefer forgiving others rather than having others forgive you.
34.人生就是呼吸，呼是为了出一口气，吸是为了争一口气。
34. Life is like breathing, exhaling is to let out a breath, inhaling is to fight for a breath.
35.天若有情天亦老，抢我对象死的早。
35. If heaven has feelings, it will age, but those who steal my partner will die young.
36.游戏和女友最大的区别就是，一个要下副本一个要下血本！
36. The biggest difference between games and girlfriends is that one requires downloading a副本 (level or mission), while the other requires investing blood money!
37.做清淡欢颜的女子，写高贵的情书给自己。
37. Be a gentle and cheerful woman, and write noble love letters to yourself.
38.这个世界，没有那么多单纯的如果，不爱就是不爱了。
38. In this world, there are not so many simple ifs, love is gone when it’s gone.
39.我这人没啥优点，就是受表扬能力特强！
39. I don’t have many advantages, but I am particularly good at receiving praise!
40.以为自己长得漂亮又怎样，老娘不屑，最终还不是当别人情妇。
40. Thinking you’re beautiful just because of your looks, I despise it, in the end, you’re still just someone’s mistress.
41.趁我还爱你，你可不可以不要错过我？
41. While I still love you, can you not miss me?
42.你的态度决定我的态度，你若对我沉默，我也只好对你冷漠。
42. Your attitude determines my attitude; if you are silent to me, I have no choice but to be indifferent to you.
43.别站在你的角度看我，我怕那你看不懂。
43. Don’t look at me from your perspective; I’m afraid you won’t understand.
44.姐不需要谁爱我，更不需要谁疼我，姐会狠狠疼爱自己。
44. I don’t need anyone to love or pamper me; I will love and pamper myself fiercely.
45.不想看你不开心，却又嫉妒你和别人太开心！
45. I don’t want to see you unhappy, but I’m jealous when you’re too happy with others!
46.那些曾经泼过我冷水的人，我一定会烧开了还给你们。
46. To those who have poured cold water on me, I will definitely boil it and return it to you.
47.老师上课的质量，决定手机此月的流量。
47. The quality of the teacher’s class determines the mobile data usage for this month.
48.你用温柔将我所有的菱角磨平，然后用尽全力伤我到死。
48. You used tenderness to smooth all my edges, and then tried your best to hurt me to death.
49.本无意与众不同，怎奈何品味出众。
49. I had no intention of being different, but my taste is outstanding.
50.闭上眼睛，我看到了我的前途。
50. With my eyes closed, I see my future.
51.如果你是一个胖纸，记住不要围红色的围巾。不然你会很像QQ。
51. If you are a chubby person, remember not to wear a red scarf. Otherwise, you will look like QQ.
52.女施主，贫僧修为尚浅，还不能隔衣为你疗伤，得罪了。
52. Female benefactor, my cultivation is still shallow, and I cannot heal your wounds through your clothes. I apologize.
53.你等着吧，总有一天我会让你成为我未来儿子的妈妈。
53. Just you wait, one day I will make you the mother of my future son.
54.人活着是为什么？就为了那一张张伟大的毛爷爷。
54. What is the purpose of living? It’s all for those great Chairman Mao notes.
55.我想说我就一苦逼，世界末日的那天就是我的生日。
55. I want to say I’m just a loser, and the day of the world’s end is my birthday.
56.晚自习的时候考试，拿出手机搜答案，突然，老师把灯一关，我……亮了。
56. During the evening self-study exam, I took out my phone to search for answers, suddenly, the teacher turned off the lights, and I… lit up.
57.不是我不想当淑女、而是这世界把老娘逼成了泼妇！
57. It’s not that I don’t want to be a lady, but the world has forced me into a shrew.
58.我曾经跟一个人无数次擦肩而过，衣服都擦破了，也没擦出火花。
58. I once passed by someone countless times, and my clothes were worn out, but no sparks were generated.
59.总感觉别人都是吃几口就饱了，而我是吃饱了还能再吃几口……
59. I always feel that others are full after eating a few bites, while I can still eat a few more after being full…
60.又帅又有车的，那是象棋。有钱又有房的，那是银行。
60. Handsome and with a car, that’s chess. Rich and with a house, that’s a bank.
61.看时间不是为了起床，而是看还能睡多久。
61. Looking at the time is not for getting up, but to see how much longer I can sleep.
62.我一发怒，冬天就到了；冬天一发怒，我就变成秋裤男了。
62. When I get angry, winter comes; when winter gets angry, I become a man in long johns.
63.天啦，我的衣服又瘦了！
63. Oh my, my clothes have shrunk again!
64.你真是个地道的美人啊。就是说你只有在地道里才算美人，因为地道里没灯。
64. You are such a real beauty. It means you are only considered beautiful in the tunnel because there are no lights there.
65.生是她的人，死是她的吉祥物。
65. In life, she is my person; in death, she is my mascot.
66.长大了要娶唐僧做老公，想宠幸就宠幸，不想玩了就把他吃掉。
66. When I grow up, I want to marry Tang Seng as my husband, to pamper him when I want, and eat him when I get bored.
67.心中充满爱，看天下美女都是情人。
67. With love in my heart, all the beautiful women in the world are my lovers.
68.挤在北京，给首都添麻烦了……
68. I’m squeezed in Beijing, causing trouble for the capital…
69.我就像一只趴在玻璃上的苍蝇，前途一片光明，而我却找不到出路。
69. I am like a fly on a glass window, with a bright future ahead, but I can’t find a way out.
70.大家都说我是个演员，是因为我一看见漂亮MM眼就圆……
70. Everyone says I am an actor because my eyes become round when I see a pretty girl…
71.我床上的不知道是谁媳妇，我媳妇不知道在谁的床上！
71. I don’t know whose wife is in my bed, and I don’t know whose bed my wife is in!
72.我爱你，并不是因为你是谁，而是在你面前时，我是谁！
72. I love you, not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you!
73.21世纪，什么最重要——我
73. In the 21st century, what matters most - it’s me.
74.舌头比牙齿更长寿，软件比硬件更长久。
74. The tongue outlives the teeth, and software outlasts hardware.
75.将错就错，或者将计就计了，反正将就了。
75. To make the best of a bad situation, or to turn a situation to my advantage, I’m just making do.
76.初恋无限好，只是挂得早。
76. First love is wonderful, but it ends too soon.
77.哥吸烟，是因为它伤肺，不伤心。
77. I smoke because it hurts my lungs, not my heart.
78.都说姐漂亮，其实都是妆出来的。
78. Everyone says I’m beautiful, but it’s all thanks to makeup.
79.不怕虎一样的敌人，就怕猪一样的队友!
79. I’m not afraid of an enemy like a tiger, but I am afraid of a teammate like a pig!
80.出生时你哭着，所有都笑着，离去时你笑着，所有都哭着。
80. When you are born, you cry and everyone else laughs; when you leave, you laugh and everyone else cries.
81.我心眼儿有些小，但是不缺，我脾气很好，但不是没有!
81. I may have a small mind, but it’s not lacking. I have a good temper, but it’s not nonexistent!
82.我也曾有过一双翅膀，不过我没用它在天上翱翔，而是放在锅里炖汤。
82. I once had a pair of wings, but instead of soaring in the sky, I used them to make soup in a pot.
83.夏天就是不好，穷的时候我连西北风都没得喝。
83. Summer is not good, when I’m poor, I don’t even have the northwest wind to drink.
84.现在再找白马王子，你out了，现在都找宝马王子。
84. Nowadays, looking for a “Prince Charming” on a white horse is outdated; everyone’s searching for a “BMW Prince” instead.
85.一时的冲动，子孙的危机!
85. A moment of impulse leads to a crisis for future generations!
86.用一颗滚烫的心，可以换一个结果。用钞票却可以随意改变这个结果。
86. With a passionate heart, one can change a result. With money, one can easily alter that result.
87.有钱就败家，没钱就拜神。
87. When rich, one squanders; when poor, one prays to the gods.
88.有一个很古老的传说，说是在北邮校园内能看到美女的人会长生不老。
88. There’s an ancient legend that those who can see beautiful women in the North China University of Posts and Telecommunications campus will live forever.
89.原来只要是分开了的人，不论原来多么熟悉，也会慢慢变得疏远。
89. It turns out that once people part ways, no matter how close they were before, they will gradually become distant.
90.早起的鸟儿有虫吃，早起的虫儿被鸟吃!
90. The early bird catches the worm, but the early worm gets eaten by the bird!
91.种草不让人去躺，不如改种仙人掌!
91. If you won’t let people lie down on the grass you’ve planted, you might as well plant cacti instead!
92.众里寻她千百度，蓦然回首，那人却在结婚登记处。
92. After searching for her for thousands of times in the crowd, suddenly turning my head, I find her at the marriage registration office.
93.作为失败的典型，你实在是太成功了。
93. As a prime example of failure, you are just too successful.
94.我们节省的时间愈多，供我们浪费的时间就愈多。
94. The more time we save, the more time we have to waste.
95.聪明的人，借助经验说话，更聪明的人，根据经验不说话。
95. Clever people speak based on experience; even cleverer people remain silent according to their experience.
96.梦想太容易实现就不是梦想了，但没有梦想，现实就是一片漆黑。
96. If a dream is too easy to achieve, it’s not a dream; but without dreams, reality is pitch black.
97.多时叫心计，很多时叫心机。
97. A little scheming is called cunning, while a lot of it is called deceit.
98.失落，就是因为你老在和别人比较。
98. Feeling lost is because you’re always comparing yourself to others.
99.出淤泥而不染，再扎回淤泥，还不染。
99. Emerging unstained from the mud, and then returning to the mud, still remaining unstained.
100.电视机，一个嘲笑孤独者的方盒子。
100. The television set, a square box that mocks the lonely.
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