1、猪有猪的思想，人有人的思想，如果猪有了人的思想，那就不是猪了，那是八戒。
1. Pigs have pig thoughts, and humans have human thoughts. If a pig had human thoughts, it wouldn’t be a pig anymore; it would be Pigsy.

2、华丽的转身，不料低调的撞墙。
2. A gorgeous turn, only to bump into the wall discreetly.

3、以后千万别对我用美男计，要不然我会将计就计的。
3. Don’t ever use the handsome man trick on me, or I’ll play along with it.

4、人生没有彩排，每天都是直播，不仅收视率低，而且工资不高。
4. There’s no rehearsal in life; every day is a live broadcast. Not only is the viewership low, but the salary is also not high.

5、男人就算征服了世界，但总有一天也被女人征服。
5. Even if a man conquers the world, one day he will be conquered by a woman.

6、头像最好别用自己照片，不然下线了多不吉利。
6. It’s best not to use your own photo as your avatar; otherwise, it’s inauspicious when you go offline.

7、太关注我的人，一般只有两种人，一种是暗恋我的，一种是暗算我的。
7. People who pay too much attention to me are generally of two kinds: those who have a crush on me and those who are plotting against me.

8、左边脑袋是面粉，右边脑袋是水，一想问题，就满脑袋糨糊。
8. The left side of my brain is flour, and the right side is water. When I think about problems, my head becomes a mess.

9、又帅又有车的，那是象棋，有钱又有房的，那是银行
9. A handsome man with a car is in chess; a wealthy man with a house is at the bank.

10、给你扔老虎笼子里，老虎都不敢吃你都嫌你牙碜。
10. If I were thrown into a tiger cage, the tiger wouldn’t dare to eat me, as it would find you too annoying.

11、如果地震了，我会和你一起死，你是被砸死的我是看见你死了笑死的
11. If there’s an earthquake, I’ll die with you. You’ll be crushed to death, and I’ll die from laughing at your death.

12、沉默是金，我都沉默这么久了，怎么就没见到金子。
12. Silence is golden. I’ve been silent for so long, but I haven’t seen any gold.

13、你是我的优乐美，请问我喝完了是不是就可以把你扔掉了。
13. You are my U-Love Me, so once I finish drinking, can I just throw you away?

14、哟哟切克闹，神州行，我看行不充话费行不行。
14. Yo yo, check it out. Can I not pay for my phone bill if it works?

15、不以结婚为目的恋爱，就是替别人养老婆。
15. A relationship without the purpose of marriage is just raising someone else’s wife.

16、我爱上学，但不爱上课，更不爱写作业。
16. I love going to school, but I don’t like attending classes or doing homework.

17、有妞不泡，大逆不道。见妞就泡，替天行道。
17. Not chasing after girls is a great sin. Chasing after every girl is fulfilling the will of heaven.

18、你是风儿我是沙，你是牙膏我是刷，你是哈密我是瓜，你不爱我我自杀。
18. You are the wind, and I am the sand; you are the toothpaste, and I am the brush; you are Hami, and I am the melon. If you don’t love me, I’ll commit suicide.

19、翻脸比翻书快并不可怕，可怕的是她还翻来翻去。
19. It’s not terrible to change faces faster than flipping through a book; what’s terrible is that she keeps flipping back and forth.

20、宁愿放弃整片森林，也不想在这颗枯枝烂叶树上吊死。
20. I’d rather give up the whole forest than hang myself on this dead branch and rotten leaf tree.

21、我一直身在江湖，但是江湖却没有哥的传说。
21. I have always been in the world of martial arts, but there are no legends about me in that world.

22、你我可以不吃饭，那你为了我能不能不喝水。
22. You and I can skip meals, but would you stop drinking water for my sake?

23、风情万种的女人是打火机，不解风情的女人是灭火器。
23. Women full of charm are like lighters, while women who don’t understand charm are like fire extinguishers.

24、胜者为王，败者暖床。
24. The winner is the king, and the loser warms the bed.

25、别以为是金口玉牙，所以轻易不开口说话。
25. Don’t think you have a golden tongue and jade teeth, so you rarely speak.

26、胖人的最高境界就是把校裤穿成牛仔裤。
26. The ultimate achievement for a fat person is to wear school pants like jeans.

27、毁掉一首好歌最好的方法就是把它设为起床闹铃。
27. The best way to ruin a good song is to set it as your alarm clock.

28、要不是打不过你，早跟你翻脸了。
28. If I could beat you, I would have turned against you long ago.

29、听说你过的不好，我坐在门口乐了一整天。
29. Hearing that you’re not doing well, I sat at the doorstep and laughed all day.

30、穿别人的鞋走自己的路，让别人找去吧。
30. Wear other people’s shoes and walk your own path, let them search for you.

31、不要和我比懒，我懒得和你比。
31. Don’t compare laziness with me, I’m too lazy to compete with you.

32、原来没有我的这些年你过得不好，这下我就放心了。
32. Knowing you haven’t been well without me all these years, now I can rest easy.

33、女生之间何必要那么计较，反正过几十年都是要一起去跳广场舞的。
33. Why be so calculative among girls? In a few decades, we’ll all be dancing in the square together anyway.

34、生活真他妈好玩，因为生活总他妈玩我。
34. Life is so damn fun, because it always plays with me.

35、明知道会分手为什么还谈恋爱？那你特么明知道会死还活着干嘛。
35. Knowing that you’ll break up, why still date? Then, knowing you’ll die, why are you still living?

36、人是铁，范儿是钢，一天不装憋得慌！
36. People are made of iron, and style is made of steel; a day without pretending makes me anxious!

37、每次早上醒来，才知道晚上要早点睡。
37. Every morning when I wake up, I realize I should have gone to bed earlier at night.

38、人才和天才只差一个”二”。故，人才很精，而天才总是有点二。
38. Talented people and geniuses are only one “two” apart. Thus, talented people are very smart, while geniuses are always a bit “two”.

39、昨晚我拿你的承诺去喂狗，第二天早上发现狗死了。
39. Last night, I fed your promise to the dog, and the next morning I found the dog dead.

40、别等遍体鳞伤才回头，因为你后悔药还没上市呢。
40. Don’t wait until you’re bruised and battered to turn back, because the后悔药 (regret medicine) hasn’t hit the market yet.

41、任何的恐怖片都抵不上从窗户突然冒出的班主任。
41. No horror movie can compare to the sudden appearance of the headteacher through the window.

42、你的酒窝没有酒，我却醉的像条狗。
42. Your dimples have no wine, yet I am intoxicated like a dog.

43、什么是朋友？就是放桌子上500块钱不会丢，放一包瓜子回来就剩一堆皮了。
43. What is a friend? It’s someone who won’t steal 500 yuan left on the table, but will eat all the sunflower seeds you left and leave just a pile of shells.

44、我说话有点雷，玩起来有点疯，所以你们就叫我”雷锋”吧。
44. My speech is a bit shocking, and I’m a bit crazy when playing, so you can call me “Leifeng”.

45、你说你愿意和我白头到老，不行，我想黑发飘飘。
45. You say you want to grow old with me, but I’d rather have black hair fluttering.

46、甲：我要给丈母娘一个差评。乙。为什么呢？甲：发货太慢了。
46. A: I want to give my mother-in-law a negative review. B: Why? A: The delivery is too slow.

47、韩国的整容技术，不如中国的美图秀秀。
47. South Korea’s plastic surgery technology is not as good as China’s Meitu Xiuxiu.

48、永远不要歧视疯子，他只是和你的世界观不同而已。
48. Never discriminate against mad people; they just have a different worldview from you.

49、施主，小尼掐指一算，你命里缺我啊！
49. Devotee, I have calculated with my fingers, and you lack me in your life!

50、我的梦想是吃遍全世界，有没有人和我一样的啊？
50. My dream is to taste food from all over the world. Is there anyone like me?

51、劝您别去整容，还是早日投胎比较靠谱！
51. I advise you not to have plastic surgery; it’s better to reincarnate as soon as possible!

52、你就是三等公民，听说过三等公民吗？等吃，等睡，等死。
52. You are a third-class citizen. Have you heard of third-class citizens? Waiting to eat, waiting to sleep, waiting to die.

53、甲：这糖太好吃了。乙：哪买的？ 甲：我的梦里，你深深的脑海里！
53. A: This candy is so delicious. B: Where did you buy it? A: In my dreams, deep in your mind!

54、我看过最虐心的小说是我和你的聊天记录。
54. The most heartbreaking novel I’ve ever read is our chat record.

55、世界那么大，我想去看看。 钱包那么小，你能走多远。
55. The world is so big, I want to see it. But how far can you go with such a small wallet?

56、你当我是你家电视机啊！一按就出人！
56. Do you think I’m your home TV? Just press a button, and I appear!

57、女人不花，何来貌美如花。男人不坏，何来子孙后代。
57. Women who don’t spend money won’t be as beautiful as flowers. Men who aren’t bad won’t have descendants.

58、我感觉你像两头猪，因为一头猪已经不能形容你的蠢。
58. I feel like you are like two pigs because one pig can’t describe your stupidity.

59、我有好多好多钱，不过它们都是一毛一毛的。
59. I have a lot of money, but they are all in small denominations of 0.1 yuan.

60、有时候觉得自己变丑了,拿出身份证一看,发现多虑了。
60. Sometimes I feel that I am getting uglier, but when I take out my ID card, I find that I was worrying too much.

61、有事直接奔主题，不要拿你的无知，挑战我的黑名单。
61. Get straight to the point; don’t challenge my blacklist with your ignorance.

62、警察叔叔，我的包丢了。放心吧，包在我身上。那你还我吧。
62. Police officer, I lost my bag. Don’t worry, it’s on me. Then give it back to me.

63、我同桌说：男人乃身外之物。我甩了一句：生不带来，死不带去。
63. My deskmate said: Men are things outside of oneself. I retorted: You can’t bring them in life, nor take them in death.

64、恋爱的恋，上半部分取自变态的变，下半部分取自变态的态。
64. The character for “love” in romance is made up of the upper part from “pervert” and the lower part from “attitude.”

65、钱是什么东西？是我没有的东西。
65. What is money? It’s something I don’t have.

66、真的非常感谢曾经打击我的人，让我学会了打击别人。
66. I’m really grateful to those who have hurt me in the past, as they’ve taught me how to hurt others.

67、千万不要冲我放电，我媳妇那里有来电显示。
67. Don’t send me any electric shocks; my wife has a call display.

68、因为俺不是一个普通人，所以我一直都不说普通话。
68. Because I’m not an ordinary person, I never speak Mandarin.

69、我不会眼睁睁地看着你往火坑里跳，我会闭上眼睛的。
69. I won’t watch you jump into the fire; I’ll close my eyes.

70、我允许你走进我的世界,但不许你在我的世界里走来走去。
70. I allow you to enter my world, but I forbid you from walking around in it.

71、下辈子，我一定要做你的心脏，那样我不跳你就得死。
71. In my next life, I must become your heart, so that if I don’t beat, you’ll die.

72、别人一夸我，我就担心，担心别人夸得不够。
72. Whenever someone compliments me, I worry that they don’t praise me enough.

73、每个女人都有一个最容易犯的错误，那就是反复无常。
73. Every woman has an easiest mistake to make, which is being fickle.

74、一直没有告诉你们我真正的身份，其实我是白雪公主。
74. I’ve never told you my true identity; actually, I’m Snow White.

75、长的漂亮就是烦，我要是男生早就娶自己了。
75. It’s annoying to be beautiful; if I were a guy, I would have married myself already.

76、终于知道为什么要带口罩了，不是因为病菌而是怕遇见口臭的人。
76. I finally understand why we need to wear masks, not because of germs, but to avoid meeting people with bad breath.

77、神啊！如果没有办法把我变瘦的话，就把我的朋友们变胖吧！
77. God! If you can’t make me thin, then make my friends fat!

78、黑夜给了我一双黑色的眼睛可我却用它来翻白眼。
78. The night gave me a pair of black eyes, but I use them to roll my eyes.

79、如果有来生，我要当条被子，不是躺在床上就是在晒太阳！
79. If there is an afterlife, I want to be a blanket, either lying on the bed or basking in the sun!

80、别把我的个性和态度混为一谈，我的个性是源于我是谁，而我的态度则取决于你是谁。
80. Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude; my personality comes from who I am, while my attitude depends on who you are.

81、失败没关系，只是为不断的为成功铺路而已。
81. It’s okay to fail; it’s just paving the way for continuous success.

82、因为都说早起的虫儿被鸟吃，所以我决定以后不起早了。
82. Since they say early worms get eaten by birds, I’ve decided not to get up early anymore.

83、女人的胸小不叫平胸，那叫华丽的平行线，你懂不懂。
83. A woman with a small chest isn’t flat-chested; it’s called a gorgeous parallel line. Do you understand?

84、像我这样的姑娘，没有点体重能压得住美貌吗？
84. A girl like me, can I hold my beauty without some weight?

85、每个人小时候都是很性感的，裤衩都不想穿。
85. Everyone was very sexy when they were young, not even wanting to wear underwear.

86、名人用过的东西叫文物，凡人用过的东西叫废物。
86. Things used by celebrities are called cultural relics, while those used by ordinary people are called waste.

87、跟朋友说我想放屁，朋友说：憋回去打个嗝。
87. I told my friend I wanted to fart, and my friend said: hold it back and burp instead.

88、我要做个思想上的女流氓，生活上的好姑娘。
88. I want to be a female rascal in thought, and a good girl in life.

89、不要总是对我忽冷忽热，那样的话我怕感冒。
89. Don’t always be hot and cold to me, or I’m afraid I’ll catch a cold.

90、你长的还可以，不过我感觉还是你做面膜的时候好看。
90. You look okay, but I think you look better when you’re wearing a facial mask.

91、节操和内裤一样，哪能让人轻易看到。
91. Integrity is like underwear; it can’t be easily shown to others.

92、你不是个傻子，但是为啥你要装白痴呢。
92. You’re not a fool, but why do you pretend to be an idiot?

93、我觉得现在每天最不能忍受的是早上与棉被分手的痛苦。
93. I think the most unbearable thing in my daily life now is the pain of parting with my quilt in the morning.

94、我宁愿相信世上有鬼，都不相信你那张破嘴。
94. I’d rather believe there are ghosts in the world than believe your broken mouth.

95、一山不能容二虎，除非一公和一母。
95. One mountain cannot accommodate two tigers, unless it’s one male and one female.

96、在成才的路上，我天天过着傻B似的生活！其实我很聪明，只不过智商低了点。
96. On the road to becoming talented, I live a foolish life every day! In fact, I’m very smart, I just have a slightly low IQ.

97、哎哟，妈呀，我的衣服怎么又缩水了。
97. Oh my, my clothes have shrunk again.

98、朋友如果可以出卖的话，我估计还能发笔小财。
98. If friends could be sold, I guess I could make a small fortune.

99、肚子大不可怕，可怕的是里面没有真材实料。
99. A big belly isn’t可怕, but what’s really可怕 is having no real substance inside.

100、为了祖国下一代，再丑也得谈恋爱。
100. For the sake of the next generation of the motherland, even if I’m ugly, I have to date.