别骂自己的孩子是小兔崽子，因为从遗传学的角度来讲，这对家长是不利的。
1. Don’t call your own child a little rabbit, because from a genetic perspective, it’s not in the best interest of the parents.

逃课太多，昨天想去上课，见到教授，教授惊讶地说，这么长时间不见，长这么大了。
2. Skipped class too much, wanted to attend yesterday, saw the professor, and the professor said in surprise, “Long time no see, you’ve grown so much.”

学了点国语的老外。早晨和女秘书打招呼“你吗好?”小姐瞪了他一眼，他一楞，马上又对她说：“妈，你好！”
3. A foreigner who learned some Chinese greeted his secretary, “Ni ma hao?” The secretary glared at him, and he, confused, immediately said to her, “Ma, ni hao!”

单身很痛苦，单身久了更痛苦，前几天我看见一头母猪，都觉得它眉清目秀的……
4. Being single is painful, being single for a long time is even more painful. A few days ago, I saw a female pig and thought it looked pretty…

谈钱不伤感情，谈感情最他妈伤钱。
5. Talking about money doesn’t hurt feelings, but talking about feelings hurts money the most.

骗子太多，傻子明显不够用了。
6. There are too many scammers, and there are clearly not enough fools.

没什么事不要找我，有事更不用找我。
7. Don’t contact me for no reason, and don’t contact me even if there’s a reason.

我爱你！关你什么事。
8. I love you! What does it matter to you?

鄙视老师是做人的本分，是中华民族的传统美德，也是法律规定学生应尽的义务。
9. Despising teachers is a duty of being a person, a traditional virtue of the Chinese nation, and an obligation that students are required to fulfill by law.

敢诅咒我吃方便面没有调味料，我诅咒你吃方便面只有调味料。
10. If you dare to curse me for eating instant noodles without seasonings, I curse you for eating instant noodles with only seasonings.

小时候妈妈和蔼的对我说：乖孩子，学会了这个本领啊，你就一辈子都饿不死了。于是妈妈教了我吃饭。
11. When I was young, my mother kindly said to me, “My dear child, once you learn this skill, you will never starve in your life.” So, my mother taught me how to eat.

婚姻的难处在于我们是和对方的优点谈恋爱，却和她的缺点生活在一起。
12. The difficulty of marriage lies in the fact that we fall in love with our partner’s strengths but end up living with their weaknesses.

所谓情话，就是你说了一些连自己都不相信的话，却希望对方相信。
13. So-called sweet words are those you say that you don’t even believe, but you hope the other person will believe them.

人民币应该做的是，走美元的路，让美元无路可走。
14. The Chinese yuan should follow the path of the US dollar and leave the dollar with no way to go.

女人眼泪是最无用的液体，但你让女人流泪说明你很无用。
15. A woman’s tears are the most useless liquid, but if you make a woman cry, it means you are useless.

你说……你喜欢我?其实……我一开始……其实我也……唉，跟你说了吧，其实我也挺喜欢我的。
16. If you say… you like me? Actually… at first… well, to be honest with you, I also… Oh, let me tell you, I actually like myself quite a bit.

在街上看美女，目光高一点就是欣赏，目光低一点就是流氓。
17. Looking at beautiful women on the street, if your gaze is higher, it’s appreciation; if it’s lower, it’s being a scoundrel.

如果他对你说：“忘了我吧”。你就告诉对方：“对不起，我一直没记住”。
18. If he says to you, “Forget me,” tell him, “Sorry, I never remembered you in the first place.”

上联：学生证准考证身份证证证没带，下联：听力题阅读题作文题题题不做。横批：重在参与。
19. Upper couplet: Student ID, exam ID, ID card, no ID; Lower couplet: Listening questions, reading questions, essay questions, no questions. Horizontal scroll: Participation is key.

清明假期，作业多地想给自己扫墓。
20. During the Qingming holiday, there’s so much homework that I want to build a tomb for myself.

别人手牵手，我牵我的狗，走一走，游一游，看谁不爽咬两口。
1. When others hold hands, I hold my dog, walking and wandering, biting those who annoy me.

最可恶的不是插播广告，而是广告结束后是片尾曲。
2. The most annoying thing is not the commercial breaks, but when the ads end and the closing song begins.

老师说今天唯一的缺点就是：后面聊天的同学要是能像中间打牌的同学那么安静，就不会吵到前面睡觉的同学了。
3. The teacher said the only drawback today is that if the chatting students in the back could be as quiet as the card-playing students in the middle, they wouldn’t disturb the sleeping students in the front.

上课时，某童鞋传来一张纸条，看到内容我真的很想扁他，写的是：在吗？
4. During class, a classmate passed me a note, and I really wanted to hit him after reading it, which said: “Are you there?”

唐僧再厉害，也不过是一个耍猴的。
5. Even if Tang Seng is amazing, he’s just a monkey tamer.

买了电脑不上宽带，就好比酒肉都准备好了却在吃饭前当了和尚。
6. Buying a computer without broadband is like preparing a feast and becoming a monk right before eating.

有的男人聪明得像天气，多变。有的女人傻的像天气预报，变天她都看不出来。
7. Some men are as clever as the weather, ever-changing. Some women are as silly as weather forecasts, unable to tell when the weather changes.

其实，一天班可短暂了，电脑一开一关就过去了。
8. Actually, a day at work can be very short, passing by just with the opening and closing of the computer.

爱情是艺术，结婚是技术，离婚是算术。
9. Love is an art, marriage is a technique, and divorce is arithmetic.

凤凰重生是涅磐 ，野鸡重生是尸变。
10. The rebirth of a phoenix is called Nirvana, while the rebirth of a wild chicken is called a zombie transformation.

我一失足成大瘸子 ，再回首又闪了腰。
11. I missed a step and became a cripple; when I looked back, I twisted my waist again.

没人给你台阶下，还是自己搬把椅子吧。
12. If no one gives you a way out, just bring a chair yourself.

别和我抢东西，虽然我不会撒娇，但我会玩摔跤。
13. Don’t compete with me for things; although I can’t act coquettish, I’m good at wrestling.

幸运者做猪不幸者做人，我是个幸运的不幸者，起码我睡得像猪。
14. Lucky people are pigs, unlucky people are humans. I’m a lucky unlucky person; at least I sleep like a pig.

请问你的数学是哪个语文老师教的？
15. Who taught you math, your Chinese teacher?

做不了坏人，就做让坏人怕到牙痒痒的好人。
16. If you can’t be a bad person, be a good person that even bad people are afraid of.

你的优点就是，关键时候毫无用处。
17. Your advantage is that you’re useless in critical moments.

我觉得每天早上去学校抄作业，生活就很充实了。
18. I think copying homework at school every morning makes life fulfilling.

去去去，别糟蹋青春那两字了,你都已经立秋了。
19. Go away, don’t waste the word “youth” on yourself; you’re already in the autumn of your life.

为了想清楚昨天为什么失眠，今天，我又失眠了。
20. To figure out why I couldn’t sleep yesterday, I ended up staying up all night again today.

你是我见到世界上身材最平的女人，你不是飞机场，你简直就是盆地，下雨天还会积水的那种！
1. You are the flattest woman I have ever seen in the world. You’re not just an airport; you’re a basin, the kind that accumulates water on rainy days!

旅行就是从自己呆腻的地方到别人呆腻的地方去。
2. Travel is about going from the place you’re bored with to the place others are bored with.

每当冲锋号响起，我就赶紧躲进壕沟里，因为：我是卧底！
3. Whenever the charge bugle sounds, I quickly hide in the trench because: I’m an undercover agent!

我这个人啊是猪肉的理想 ，白菜的命，永远只有被醋溜的份，我多想被红烧一次。
4. I am the ideal of pork and the fate of cabbage, always being stir-fried in vinegar. How I wish to be braised just once.

不用怀疑，我就是你梦中的情人。
5. Don’t doubt it, I am the lover in your dreams.

说吧，你是想死呢还是不想活了？
6. Tell me, do you want to die or just not live anymore?

这种烈女型女流氓，真是世所罕见。
7. This rare type of fierce, female hooligan is truly a rare sight in the world.

揭开自己本性的面纱，来面对天定的现实。
8. Unveil the veil of your true nature and face the reality destined by heaven.

把你们在学校所学的知识统统忘掉，剩下的就是素质。
9. Forget everything you’ve learned in school, and what’s left is your quality.

哎呦，您这么忙还亲自上厕所啊？
10. Oh, you’re so busy that you still go to the bathroom yourself?

不怕鸡蛋里挑骨头的，就怕他非要在骨头里找鸡蛋。
11. I’m not afraid of someone who picks bones from an egg, but I’m afraid of someone who insists on finding eggs in the bones.

我很穷，我家的佣人也很穷，我家的园丁也很穷，我家的司机也很穷。
12. I’m so poor that even my servants, gardeners, and drivers are poor.

网络就像是监狱，本来是偷了个钱包进来的，等出去的时候就什么都学会了。
13. The internet is like a prison, where you come in for stealing a wallet, and when you go out, you’ve learned everything.

不知道是可悲的，不希望知道更可悲。
14. It’s pitiful not to know, but even more pitiful is not wanting to know.

不过就是一眨眼间，一切就已成前尘昨事。
15. In the blink of an eye, everything has become the past.

生活的一半是倒霉，另一半是如何处理倒霉。
16. Half of life is about misfortune, and the other half is about how to deal with misfortune.

男人只分两种：一种是好色，另一种是十分好色！
17. Men are divided into two types: those who are lecherous, and those who are extremely lecherous!

嘿！你觉得单眼皮的鬼恐怖，还是双眼皮的
18. Hey! Do you think the ghost with single eyelids is scarier, or the one with double eyelids?

已经将整个青春都用来检讨青春，还要把整个生命都用来怀疑生命？
19. I’ve already spent my entire youth reflecting on my youth, and I’m going to spend my whole life doubting life?

姐最强大的事情，就是不靠烟酒，也能流氓并文艺着。
20. My greatest strength is that I can be both hooligan and artistic without relying on cigarettes and alcohol.

工作难找，但男朋友不难找。靠工作养活不了人，就换个思维让男人养活。
1. It’s hard to find a job, but not hard to find a boyfriend. If you can’t support yourself with work, change your mindset and let a man support you.

过去谈朋友是先问别人有朋友没有，现在得问别人是不是同性恋。
2. In the past, we asked if someone had a girlfriend, now we have to ask if they are gay.

始终没有沦为一名优秀的大学生，靠的就是坚强品质！
3. I never became an excellent college student, thanks to my strong character!

天上掉钞票我不会弯腰，因为天上连馅饼都不会掉，更别说掉钞票了。
4. I won’t bend over for money falling from the sky, because even pie doesn’t fall from the sky, let alone money.

如果说这个国家的孩子没有了天真，那么这个国家的未来一定缺乏想象。
5. If the children in this country lose their innocence, then the future of this country will definitely lack imagination.

长相不重要，但长得不漂亮却很重要。
6. Appearance doesn’t matter, but not being pretty does matter.

别把自己抬那么高，小心掉下来摔死你。
7. Don’t抬 yourself too high, or you might fall and die.

美貌只能够用来骗男人，聪明可以用来骗世人。
8. Beauty can only deceive men, intelligence can deceive the world.

你打扮成这样.是对这个世界有什么不满么？
9. Why are you dressed like that? Are you unhappy with the world?

以后刷牙要狠小心，不能再有一次咽下漱口水。
10. Be extra careful when brushing your teeth in the future, don’t swallow the mouthwash again.

说的不一定比唱的好听。但是唱的一定比说的难听。
11. It’s not necessarily that singing is better than speaking, but singing is definitely worse than speaking.

都说女人是水做的，可是最近水污染好严重哦。
12. They say women are made of water, but the water pollution is so serious recently.

你说你是我朋友，其实我知道，动物的确是人类的朋友。
13. You say you are my friend, but I know that animals are indeed friends of humans.

墙里的人想出来，墙外的人想进去，我站在墙上看来看去。
14. People inside the wall want to get out, people outside the wall want to get in, I stand on the wall and look back and forth.

施主，放下屠刀，立定成佛，剃光头吧。
15. Layman, let go of the butcher knife and become a Buddha, shave your head.

在最冷的水中生活，妄图不淹死。
16. Living in the coldest water, trying not to drown.

喂，不要把你一无是处的脸，摆在我面前，谢谢。
17. Hey, don’t put your useless face in front of me, thank you.

我犯的错太多，搞得我现在都不知道自己错在哪里。
18. I’ve made too many mistakes, I don’t even know where I’m wrong now.

我们女人都是世界上唯一仅有的花，那哪来这么多牛粪呢？
19. We women are the only flowers in the world, so where do all these cow dung come from?

被美女瞪一眼，要比被丑女看一天更需要心理素质。
20. Being glared at by a beautiful woman requires more psychological quality than being looked at by an ugly woman for a whole day.

我对你的每一次想念是一粒沙，所以世界上就有了撒哈拉。
1. Every time I miss you is a grain of sand, so there is the Sahara in the world.

你们不是林黛玉，别学人家玩悲伤。
2. You are not Lin Daiyu, don’t imitate others in playing sadness.

笑话居然还有冷热之分，究竟是谁不懂得幽默。
3. Jokes actually have cold and hot之分, who doesn’t understand humor?

我活到现在这把年纪，拿得起放得下的东西只有筷子。
4. At my age, the only things I can pick up and put down are chopsticks.

用嘴巴只能说服别人的耳朵， 用行动才能征服别旳人心。
5. You can only persuade others’ ears with words, but you can conquer their hearts with actions.

钱是什么东西？ 是我没有的东西。
6. What is money? It’s something I don’t have.

回忆不是一个人变老的标志，反复回忆才是。
7. Memories are not a sign of growing old, repeated memories are.

一个人活，两个人生活，三个人你死我活。
8. One person lives, two people coexist, three people fight to the death.

我很潇洒甩了一下头，结果假发甩了出去。
9. I swung my head gracefully, and the wig flew off.

其实我一点也不喜欢寂寞，为什么寂寞，老是来找我。
10. In fact, I don’t like loneliness at all, why does it always come to me?

人往高处走，只要你不怕死在珠穆朗玛峰上。
11. People move towards higher places, as long as they are not afraid of dying on Mount Everest.

同学，欠你的那俩茶叶蛋，下学期我就还你
12. Classmate, I owe you two tea eggs, I will pay you back next semester.

我就是一直可怜的虫，永远逃不掉早起的小鸟。
13. I am a poor worm, always unable to escape the early rising birds.

五毛和五毛是最幸福的，因为他们凑成了一块。
14. Fifty cents and fifty cents are the happiest, because they make a whole dollar.

刷牙是件悲喜交加的事。一手拿杯具，一手拿洗具。
15. Brushing teeth is a mixed experience of sorrow and joy. One hand holds a cup, the other holds a toothbrush.

今天心情不好。我只有四句话想说。包括这句和前面的两句。我的话说完了……
16. I’m in a bad mood today. I only have four sentences to say. Including this one and the two before. My words are finished…

太姥姥说：停电了，把蜡烛点上，接着看电视。
17. Great-grandma said: The power is out, light the candle and keep watching TV.

老师一年布置作业3亿多字，试卷连起来可绕地球3圈，连续9年全球作业数量领先，好成绩，当然更受欢迎。
18. Teachers assign 300 million characters of homework a year, and the test papers can circle the Earth three times. For nine consecutive years, the amount of homework leads the world, and good grades are, of course, more popular.

请问先生：新闻联播，什么时候大结局啊
19. Excuse me, sir: When will the News Broadcast have a grand finale?

我知道你身家千万，拥有豪车无数，私家豪华餐厅，现代化农牧场。自从QQ号丢了以后，你就一无所有，神马也不是。
20. I know you have millions of dollars in assets, numerous luxury cars, private luxury restaurants, and modern farms. But after losing your QQ number, you have nothing and are nothing.

一个月总有那么30天不想学习……
1. There are always 30 days in a month when I don’t feel like studying…

每次称体重的时候，轻了就说，瘦了。重了就说，胸部又大了。
2. Every time I weigh myself, if I’ve lost weight, I say I’ve gotten thinner. If I’ve gained weight, I say my chest has grown bigger.

你又不是我的美瞳，我凭什么把你放在眼里
3. You’re not my contact lens, why should I put you in my eyes?

记得读书时候有次上晚自习，一哥们在最后一排睡觉。突然醒了，然后把灯关了，接着睡觉。当时全班同学都看傻了。
4. I remember during school, one evening self-study session, a guy was sleeping in the last row. He suddenly woke up, turned off the light, and continued sleeping. The whole class was stunned.

请问一下、你的棺材是滑盖的还是翻盖的
5. May I ask, is your coffin sliding or flip-open?

坟价都涨那么快，死不起了
6. The price of graves is rising so fast, I can’t afford to die.

等我找到男朋友，我第一时间就是抽他两巴掌，我得问问，这些年你TMD躲哪里去了。
7. Once I find a boyfriend, the first thing I’ll do is slap him twice. I need to ask, where the hell have you been all these years?

一次月考就足够让成千上万的孩子脑细胞分裂。
8. A single monthly exam is enough to cause thousands of children’s brain cells to mutate.

小时候，家里穷。买不起自行车，所以每天打车去学校。
9. When I was young, my family was poor. We couldn’t afford a bicycle, so I took a taxi to school every day.

天才比人才不就多了个“二”字吗。
10. A genius is just a talent with an extra “two” character, isn’t it?

我的胖是暂时的，你的矮是终身的。
11. My fat is temporary, but your shortness is lifelong.

傻子偷了乞丐的钱包，被瞎子看见了，哑巴大叫了一声，聋子吓了一跳，罗锅挺身而出，瘸子拔腿就追，疯子说：请大家理智些。
12. A fool stole a beggar’s wallet, which was seen by a blind man. A mute shouted, a deaf man was startled, a hunchback stepped forward, a cripple started chasing, and a madman said: Please be rational, everyone.

男人都好色，色心稍强一点叫色狼，再强一点叫色鬼，更加强就叫色魔，尤其强那就成了变态色魔，好色到了极致，被称作人体美学艺术家。
13. All men are lustful. A slightly stronger lustful heart is called a lecher, even stronger is called a sex ghost, even stronger is called a sex demon, especially strong is considered a perverted sex demon, and when lust reaches the extreme, it’s called a human body aesthetic artist.