1、曾经，我一直非常非常羡慕我的同桌有一个世界上最好的同桌。
1. Once, I was extremely envious of my deskmate for having the best deskmate in the world.

2、有只胖鸽子，从阳台走进中厅，勇敢地拉了一坨屎后飘然离去！不要迷恋鸽，鸽只是个传说。
2. A fat pigeon walked from the balcony to the hallway, bravely left a pile of poop, and then floated away! Don’t be infatuated with pigeons; they are just a legend.

3、上帝给你关上一扇门，总会为你在墙上留下很多开锁的电话号码。
3. When God closes a door for you, He will always leave many locksmith phone numbers on the wall for you.

4、生前何必久睡，死后自会长眠。
4. Why sleep so much while you’re alive, when you’ll sleep forever after you die?

5、据说体重不过百，不是平胸就是矮。
5. It is said that those who weigh less than a hundred pounds are either flat-chested or short.

6、您的智商余额不足，请充值后再说。
6. Your IQ balance is insufficient, please recharge before speaking.

7、现在的人，表面都是心连心，实际都在玩脑筋。
7. Nowadays, people seem to be heart-to-heart on the surface, but in reality, they are all playing mind games.

8、到年底一总结，发现赚到的只有年纪。
8. When I summed up the year, I found that the only thing I had earned was my age.

9、人是怎么死的，就是被烦死的。
9. People are annoyed to death.

10、爷一般不走路，一般走的路都不是寻常路！
10. I generally don’t walk, and the paths I take are never ordinary ones!

11、数学老师带我们在题海中遨游，结果她上岸了，我们全都淹死了。
11. Our math teacher took us on a journey through the sea of problems, but she made it to shore while we all drowned.

12、冬天虐我千百遍，我对被窝如初恋。
12. Winter torments me a thousand times, yet I treat my bed like a first love.

13、我掐指一算，发现你命里缺我。
13. I calculated with my fingers, and it turns out that you lack me in your life.

14、起床是会呼吸的痛，它挣扎在我的每个细胞中，被人叫醒会痛，闹钟响会痛，不定闹钟也痛。
14. Waking up is a painful breath; it struggles in every cell of my body. Being woken up by someone hurts, an alarm clock ringing hurts, and not setting an alarm hurts too.

15、别看资料！那看啥？看聊效！
15. Don’t look at the materials! What should I look at then? Look at the chat effect!

16、谁再和老子说“世界末日”这个话题，我会毫不犹豫的打110。
16. If anyone brings up the topic of “the end of the world” with me again, I will not hesitate to call 110 (emergency number).

17、人倒霉，喝凉水也会塞牙；水更倒霉，被喝也就算了，还要被困在牙里。
17. If you’re unlucky, even drinking cold water can cause a toothache; the water is even more unfortunate, being drunk and trapped between your teeth.

18、失败并不可怕，可怕的是你还相信这句话。
18. Failure is not terrible; what’s terrible is that you still believe this statement.

19、其实月亮是我啃弯的 °
19. In fact, the moon is bent because I nibbled on it.

20、世上有六蛋，鸡生的是鸡蛋，鸭生的是鸭蛋，会爆炸的是炸弹，正在看的是笨蛋，生气的是蠢蛋，不转发的是傻蛋。
20. There are six types of eggs in the world: chickens lay chicken eggs, ducks lay duck eggs, bombs can explode, the one you’re looking at is a fool, the one getting angry is stupid, and the one who doesn’t forward this is silly.

21、等我有钱了，买两根棒棒糖，一根你看着我吃，一根我吃给你看。
21. When I’m rich, I’ll buy two lollipops: one for you to watch me eat, and one for me to eat in front of you.

22、别人一夸我，我就担心，担心别人夸得不够。
22. Whenever someone compliments me, I worry that they’re not complimenting me enough.

23、别对我说白头到老，姐想一辈子黑发飘飘……
23. Don’t talk to me about growing old together; I want to have flowing black hair for my entire life…

24、忽然有学习的冲动怎么办？ 答：别慌，喝点水躺下来休息一会儿就好了。
24. What should I do if I suddenly feel the urge to study? Answer: Don’t panic, just drink some water, lie down, and take a break.

25、总感觉别人都是吃几口就饱了，而我是吃饱了还能再吃几口……
25. It always seems like everyone else gets full after eating a few bites, but I can still eat a few more even after I’m full…

26、他们说网络很假，我笑了，好像现实很真一样。
26. They say the internet is fake, and I laughed, as if reality is any more real.

27、老师，你要是再无视下课铃，我们就无视上课铃。
27. Teacher, if you ignore the bell again, we’ll ignore the class bell as well.

28、黑夜给你黑色的眼睛，你却用它来翻白眼。
28. The night gives you black eyes, but you use them to roll them.

29、老天，我以后再也不叫你爷了。你压根就不爱我这个孙子。
29. God, I won’t call you “grandpa” anymore. You clearly don’t love me, your grandson.

30、没错，你就是天才第一步！
30. That’s right, you are the first step to being a genius!

31、床，你放开我，不要这样子，我还要上学哇。
31. Bed, let me go, don’t be like this, I have to go to school.

32、看我不顺眼的人，给你们心里添堵，我真是舒坦。
32. To those who dislike me, causing a堵 in your hearts makes me feel comfortable.

33、吃，亦我所欲也；胖，亦我所亦也；两者不可兼得，我了个去也。
33. Eating is what I desire; gaining weight is also what I desire; I can’t have both, damn it.

34、都什么年代了，一点流氓意识都没有。
34. What era is this? You don’t even have a bit of hooligan spirit.

35、有一种态度叫扯淡，也就是说，咱们的人生很彪悍，根本不需要解释。
35. There’s an attitude called nonsense, which means our lives are so awesome that they don’t need any explanation.

36、瘦不了的永远在骚动、胖不了的都有恃无恐。
36. The ones who can’t lose weight are always restless; the ones who can’t gain weight are fearless.

37、脑袋空不要紧，关键是不要进水。
37. It’s okay to have an empty head, as long as it doesn’t get filled with water.

38、玛雅人的预言到底准不准啊。准的话我就不用做作业了。
38. Are the Mayan prophecies accurate? If they are, I won’t have to do my homework.

39、如果我看起来没精神，可能是累了，可能是病了，最大的可能是。饿了……
39. If I look unenergetic, it could be because I’m tired, sick, or most likely… hungry.

40、我做好事从来不留名，只留名片。
40. I never leave my name when doing good deeds, just my business card.

41、每当我吃饱喝足闲着没事之后，都会想起减肥这件正经事。
41. Whenever I’m full and have nothing to do, I always think about the serious matter of losing weight.

42、总有那么几个朋友，刚刚认识的时候斯斯文文的，几天后就变得不知道是那家医院放出来的精神病。
42. There are always a few friends who act all polite and gentle when you first meet them, but after a few days, they become like mental patients who’ve escaped from a hospital.

43、众里寻他千百度，蓦然回首那人却在门口小卖部。
43. After searching for him for thousands of times in the crowd, I suddenly look back and find him at the small shop by the door.

44、昨天接到一短信，让我速把钱汇入农行一账号。我回复说：别急，我马上烧给你！
44. Yesterday, I received a text message asking me to quickly transfer money to an Agricultural Bank account. I replied: Don’t worry, I’ll burn it for you right away!

45、渐渐地，渐渐地，总有些人变得贱贱的。
45. Gradually, gradually, some people become more and more despicable.

46、哪里跌倒，哪里爬起……老是在那里跌倒，我怀疑那里有个坑！
46. If you fall, get up where you fell… If you keep falling in the same place, I suspect there’s a pit there!

47、过年放假回家一进门先要跪下:对不起，妈，我还是没有女朋友。
47. When I go home for the New Year’s holiday, I have to kneel down as soon as I enter the door: I’m sorry, Mom, I still don’t have a girlfriend.

48、每次面对美食，我都告诫自己：“吃多会死。”但事实证明，我真的不怕死。
48. Every time I face delicious food, I warn myself: “Eating too much can be deadly.” But it turns out that I’m not afraid of death.

49、冰冻三尺非一日之寒，小腹三层非一日之馋。
49. It’s not the cold of a single day that freezes three feet of ice, and it’s not the greed of a single day that creates three layers of belly fat.

50、快要世界末日了，有钱赶紧花，死了就白搭了。
50. The world is about to end, so spend your money quickly, or it will be useless when you’re dead.

51、我又不是人民币，怎么能让人人都喜欢我。
51. I’m not a yuan, how can I make everyone like me?

52、男人的话就像老太太的牙齿，有多少是真的。
52. A man’s words are like an old lady’s teeth, how many of them are real?

53、买烤红薯的时候，请你大声问老板，这是什么馅的。
53. When buying roasted sweet potatoes, please ask the boss loudly, what kind of filling is this?

54、问苍天晴为何物，直叫人加条棉裤。
54. I ask the blue sky, what is the sun for? It makes people add a pair of cotton pants.

55、我和特仑苏的差别就是！我的纯度低，特仑苏的纯度高！
55. The difference between me and Telunsu is that my purity is low, while Telunsu’s purity is high!

56、既然不让谈恋爱 那就别发校服了 免得别人说是情侣装。
56. If we’re not allowed to fall in love, then don’t give out school uniforms, so people won’t say they’re couple’s outfits.

57、班主任是什么？ 就是一个破坏完你友情！再破坏你爱情！还不放过你亲情的恐怖分子！
57. What is a headteacher? They are a terrorist who destroys your friendships, love life, and won’t even spare your family!

58、闹钟是所有睡货和被窝的小三，所以我要以不动应万变。
58. Alarm clocks are the mistresses of all sleepyheads and warm beds, so I will remain still to deal with them.

59、我已经整整半年没称过体重了，因为我心里有数。
59. I haven’t weighed myself for half a year because I know what I weigh.

60、我的爱好有两种，分静态和动态，静态是睡觉，动态是翻身。
60. I have two hobbies, static and dynamic. Static is sleeping, and dynamic is turning over.

61、姑娘，把蓝牙开了，传点爱给我。
61. Girl, turn on the Bluetooth and send some love my way.

62、希望，圣诞老人能在圣诞夜里，把各科期末考试答案塞到我床头的袜子里。
62. I hope Santa Claus can stuff the answers to all the final exams in my socks by my bedside on Christmas night.

63、喊疼的不一定是处女，但勾引男人的一定是婊子。
63. Just because someone screams in pain doesn’t mean they’re a virgin, but those who seduce men are definitely bitches.

64、老子不打你，你就不知道我文武双全。
64. If I don’t hit you, you won’t know that I’m both cultured and skilled in martial arts.

65、女人用丝袜征服了男人，男人用丝袜征服了银行。
65. Women conquered men with stockings, and men conquered banks with stockings.

66、流氓不可怕，就怕流氓有文化。
66. Hooligans are not可怕, but it’s even worse when they have culture.

67、英雄不问出路，流氓不看岁数！
67. A hero doesn’t care about his background, and a hooligan doesn’t care about his age!

68、坐拥大奶名号，享受二奶待遇！
68. Possessing the title of a great breasted woman, enjoying the treatment of a mistress!

69、骑白马的不一定是王子，可能是唐僧；有翅膀的不一定是天使，也可能是鸟人！
69. Not everyone who rides a white horse is a prince; they could be Tang Seng; not everyone with wings is an angel, they could be a birdman!

70、想污染一个地方有两种方法：垃圾，或是钞票！
70. There are two ways to pollute a place: garbage or money!

71、难道全世界的鸡蛋联合起来就能打破石头吗？！所以做人还是要现实些……
71. Can all the eggs in the world unite to break a stone?! So, it’s better to be realistic in life…

72、不怕虎一样的敌人，就怕猪一样的队友！
72. I’m not afraid of an enemy like a tiger, but I am afraid of a teammate like a pig!

73、女人装比那叫资本，男人装比那叫变态。
73. When a woman shows off, it’s called capital; when a man shows off, it’s called perversion.

74、作为失败的典型，你实在是太成功了。
74. As a typical failure, you are too successful.

75、按猪的审美观，我基本算得上是个帅哥。
75. According to a pig’s aesthetic, I can basically be considered handsome.

76、生活有时就像被太监强奸一样——反抗是痛苦，不反抗还是痛苦！
76. Sometimes life is like being raped by a eunuch – resisting is painful, and not resisting is still painful!

77、人人都说我丑，其实我只是美得不明显。
77. Everyone says I’m ugly, but in fact, I’m just not obviously beautiful.

78、为配合今年中国计划生育工作的完成，本人决定暂时不和异性朋友接触，谢谢合作。
78. To cooperate with China’s family planning work this year, I have decided to temporarily avoid contact with friends of the opposite sex. Thank you for your cooperation.

79、没有钱，没有权，再不对你好点，你能跟我？
79. No money, no power, if I don’t treat you better, would you be with me?

80、哥吸烟、是因为它伤肺，不伤心。
80. I smoke because it hurts my lungs, not my heart.

81、睡眠是一门艺术——谁也无法阻挡我追求艺术的脚步！
81. Sleep is an art – no one can stop me from pursuing artistic footsteps!

82、长得真有创意，活得真有勇气！
82. You are so creative in appearance and courageous in life!

83、我现实的人生：数钱数到自然醒，睡觉睡到手抽筋……
83. My real life: counting money until I wake up naturally, and sleeping until my hands cramp…

84、买了电脑不上宽带，就好比酒肉都准备好了却在吃饭前当了和尚。
84. Buying a computer without broadband is like having food and wine prepared but becoming a monk before eating.

85、分手后的思念不叫思念，叫犯贱。
85. Missing someone after a breakup is not called missing, it’s called being cheap.

86、听说女人如衣服，兄弟如手足。回想起来，我竟然七手八脚的裸奔了20年！
86. I heard that women are like clothes, and brothers are like hands and feet. Looking back, I’ve been running naked with eight hands and feet for 20 years!

87、穿别人的鞋，走自己的路，让他们打的找去吧。
87. Wear other people’s shoes, walk your own path, and let them find a taxi.

88、有一个很古老的传说，说是在北邮校园内能看到美女的人会长生不老……
88. There is a very ancient legend that those who can see beautiful women in the North邮电 campus will live forever…

89、能被抢走的爱人，那不叫爱人。
89. A lover who can be taken away is not a lover.

90、如果领导下个月再不给我加薪，我就辞职，辞职前再给他送两条中华，抽死他。
90. If my leader doesn’t give me a raise next month, I will resign and send him two packs of Zhonghua cigarettes before leaving, to smoke him to death.

91、如果猪都会飞了，谁还买飞机？骑着猪上天不就行了。
91. If pigs can fly, who would buy airplanes? Just ride a pig to the sky.

92、我的领带又找不到了，是不是你昨天又没有找到抹布？
92. I can’t find my tie again; did you not find a rag yesterday?

93、在埃及，一个男人可以娶四个老婆，那得多累啊，还是中国好。
93. In Egypt, a man can marry four wives – that must be tiring. China is better.

94、你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气是在受不了啊！
94. Let me kneel on the rubbing board; I can’t stand kneeling on the electric heater!

95、我就算是一只癞蛤蟆，我也决不娶母癞蛤蟆。
95. Even if I am a toad, I will never marry a female toad.

96、喝白酒一斤，我绝对没感觉，因为喝半斤就已经喝死了。
96. Drinking a pound of white wine, I have no feeling because I am already dead after half a pound.

97、上厕所看报纸等同于大便完了擦屁股，是一个流程，否则不叫完工。
97. Reading the newspaper in the toilet is like wiping after defecating; it is a process, otherwise, it is not finished.

99、我妈过生日，送脑白金还不如送两块大梁骨煮煮吃，至少还能当下酒菜。
99. For my mom’s birthday, sending her Naobaijin is not as good as sending two big keel bones to cook and eat, at least they can be a dish with alcohol.

100、爷爷都是从孙子走过来的。
100. Grandfathers have all come from being grandsons.