1、夏天夜晚，你轻盈地钻进我的蚊帐，抚摸我的臂膀，亲吻我的脸庞，我被你撩拨的全身痒痒。将灯拉亮，拉住你两条长腿，该死的蚊子！我让你去见阎王！
1. On a summer night, you gracefully entered my mosquito net, caressing my arm and kissing my face, making my whole body itch. I turned on the light and grabbed your two long legs, you damned mosquito! Off to the afterlife with you!

2、我知道你喜欢我，但我真的不喜欢你，虽然你肚子里已经有了我的血肉，但还是请你不要再骚扰我了，否则我就对你不客气了，你个死蚊子！
2. I know you like me, but I really don’t like you. Even though you have my blood and flesh in your belly, please stop bothering me, or I’ll be ruthless towards you, you dead mosquito!

3、有一种默契叫做心照不宣，有一种感觉叫做妙不可言，有一种思念叫做望眼欲穿，有一种白痴会把短信看完！
3. There is a kind of understanding called unspoken, a feeling called indescribable, a longing called yearning, and a fool who reads the message to the end!

4、春天的花很艳，那是你明媚的笑容；夏天的太阳炽热，那是你的激情；秋天的硕果累累，那是你的收成；冬天的风吹来了，小青娃，你该冬眠了！
4. The flowers in spring are so beautiful, like your bright smile; the summer sun is scorching, like your passion; the autumn harvest is bountiful, like your achievements; the winter wind blows, little frog, it’s time for you to hibernate!

5、前天我送你回家，走到一幢豪华的大楼前，你深情地看着我说到了，你回去吧。我久久望着你的背影，看见上面写着四个字：精神病院。
5. The day before yesterday, I walked you home and arrived in front of a luxurious building. You looked at me affectionately and said, “I’m home. You can go back now.” I stared at your back for a long time and saw four words written on it: Mental Hospital.

6、听说那天你披了一个破麻袋，迈着怪怪的步伐；被当做小偷给抓起来了，还给你带上了狗牌？
6. I heard that one day you wore a tattered sack and walked with a strange gait; you were caught as a thief and given a dog tag?

7、你性感的小后背真的是让我想入非非。。。圆润、光滑，我真的好想上前。。。把你据为己有，可是不行呀！香喷喷的烤鸭，客人还没到齐，我也不能动筷呀！
7. Your sexy little back really makes me daydream… Round, smooth, I really want to go up and… claim you as my own, but I can’t! The fragrant roast duck, the guests are not all here yet, and I can’t start eating!

8、萤火虫在黑夜里那叫一个闪亮，鹤立鸡群那叫显眼，马在驴中那叫出众，猪八戒在猪圈那叫俊俏，你和猩猩站在一起那叫……帅了个呆的！
8. Fireflies shine so brightly in the dark night, standing out like a crane among chickens, a horse among donkeys, and Zhu Bajie among pigs, handsome as you stand with an ape… handsome to a stunning degree!

9、记得那天晚上，你梦到了自己拥有了一双梦寐以求的可以飞翔的翅膀，我就轻轻地扇动着翅膀然后轻轻地来到你的面前—-然后踢你一脚说：别做梦了，笨蛋！
9. I remember that night you dreamed of having a pair of long-awaited wings to fly. I gently flapped my wings and came to you softly, then kicked you and said, “Stop dreaming, idiot!”

10、谢谢你春天陪我观百花，夏日伴我看夕阳，秋季陪我赏落叶，冬天伴我看雪景。如果没有你，再美的风景都是模糊的，真的谢谢你…眼镜！
10. Thank you for accompanying me to watch the flowers in spring, the sunset in summer, the falling leaves in autumn, and the snow scenery in winter. Without you, even the most beautiful scenery would be blurred. I truly appreciate you… my glasses!

11、一种喜欢加上一种迷恋，汇成我对你火热的爱；生活的点滴日常琐碎，我都要紧紧把你依赖；不管风雨抑或坎坷，人生有你我就无所畏惧。真的需要你，钱！
11. A kind of fondness plus a kind of obsession form my fiery love for you; the little things in life, I rely on you closely; no matter the hardships or setbacks, with you in my life, I am fearless. I really need you, money!

12、你总说我没出息，一棒子打不出两个屁，拉不出屎怨地球没引力，很是让你不满意，可是我也有情趣，来，赶紧把戒指戴上–K纯铁的！！！
12. You always say I’m hopeless, can’t even produce a fart with a stick, blame the Earth for not having gravity when I can’t poop, and you’re very dissatisfied. But I also have a sense of humor. Come on, hurry up and put on the ring - it’s made of K pure iron!

13、听说你最近变了，戒烟戒酒戒赌戒色，戒贪戒烦戒工作戒爱情，所以人们都叫你八戒。
13. I heard that you’ve changed recently, quitting smoking, drinking, gambling, lust, greed, annoyance, work, and love. So people call you “Baqie.”

14、真不明白，为何每天晚上你总是尽量站在有光的地方，后来经人提醒我才明白，原来你是想当夜明猪呀！
14. I really don’t understand why you always try to stand in the light every night. Later, someone reminded me, and I finally understood that you wanted to be a luminous pig!

15、温馨提醒：天气多变，小心穿衣！小雨是我想你，阵雨是心不移，刮风是送心意，阴天是很惦记，晴天是不分离，多云是有惊喜！如果下雪，那就是你没睡醒！
15. Warm reminder: The weather is changeable, be careful with your clothing! Light rain means I miss you, showers mean my love is unchanging, wind sends my thoughts, overcast skies mean I care, sunny days mean we won’t be separated, and cloudy skies bring surprises! If it snows, that means you haven’t woken up yet!

16、自打与你失去联系那天起，我就天天牵挂着你，到处寻找你的下落，也许你不知道我有多着急，但是，我依然不会放弃，因为——猪肉涨价了，你升值啦！
16. Since the day I lost contact with you, I’ve been worried about you and searching for your whereabouts every day. Maybe you don’t know how anxious I am, but I will never give up because - the price of pork has risen, and your value has increased!

17、昨天在网上看到你用的那个型号手机辐射特别大，吓了我一跳，刚要通知你，又看到说对智商小于的人不起作用，我才放心，你也别担心，继续用吧。
17. Yesterday, I saw online that the model of phone you’re using has a particularly high radiation, which really scared me. I was about to inform you, but then I saw that it doesn’t affect people with an IQ lower than a certain level. So, I felt relieved and figured you can continue using it.

18、今天我们一起去回忆童年吧，我们一起玩丢手绢，一起玩投沙包，我就不信了，用尽我全部的力量还不能把你的头变成蒙古包。
18. Today, let’s go back to our childhood memories together. We’ll play “dropping the handkerchief” and “throwing sandbags.” I don’t believe that using all my strength, I can’t turn your head into a Mongolian yurt.

19、实在报歉，这么晚打扰你，我只是想问一下：你睡了没？
19. I’m really sorry to bother you so late, but I just wanted to ask: Have you gone to bed?

20、癞蛤蟆追求天鹅，天鹅不屑地说：我要是你长成这样早就去死了！蛤蟆不服：那猪还活得好好的呢？猪听了，觉得委屈：我招谁惹谁了，我只是在看短信！
20. A toad pursued a swan, and the swan disdainfully said, “If I looked like you, I would have died already!” The toad disagreed, “But the pig is still living just fine!” The pig, feeling wronged, thought, “Why am I being targeted when all I’m doing is reading a text message?”

21、昨天有人在背后说你是猪，为了你，我和他大打出手，他妈的，哪能因为人家长的像什么就说人家是什么，你说对不？
21. Yesterday, someone called you a pig behind your back. I fought with them for your sake. How could they say what someone is just because of their appearance? You know that’s not right, don’t you?

22、春秋战国时期，你统领三军，头戴锅盖，身披麻袋，腰系塑料袋，手拿蛋黄派，脚踏两棵白菜，号称东方不败，冲锋陷阵大喊：谁有破烂要卖?
22. During the Spring and Autumn and Warring States periods, you led the three armies with a pot lid on your head, a sackcloth as your cape, a plastic bag around your waist, a custard pie in hand, and cabbages on your feet. You were known as the “Unbeatable Eastern Warrior,” charging into battle and shouting, “Who has any trash to sell?”

23、这次发信息，主要有三个目的：一是联络感情；二是打发时间；三是我很负责任地告诉你：夏天到了，送句很有技术含量的话：天气热了，记得把开裆裤换上。
23. I have three main purposes for sending this message: first, to maintain our friendship; second, to pass the time; and third, to responsibly inform you that summer is here. Here’s a technical piece of advice: when it gets hot, remember to change into your open-crotch pants.

24、你和我在两小无猜的儿时就开始在一起玩了，我会唱200支歌，而你会跳200支舞，我们也经常一起表演，所以人们就叫我二百哥，叫你二百舞！
24. You and I have been playing together since our childhood innocence. I know 200 songs, and you can dance 200 dances. We often perform together, so people call me “Brother Two Hundred Songs” and you “Two Hundred Dances”!

25、实在有点想你了，很想和你一起见见面，就这样地看看你，可我真的又不想……我心里好乱—-每次看到你我都心里乱跳，精神病院检查结果出来了，你真的是脑残！
25. I really miss you and want to meet with you to just look at you, but I don’t really want to… My heart is so confused - every time I see you, my heart races. The mental hospital’s test results are in: you are indeed mentally challenged!

26、我很希望能一定陪在你的身边，你睡得好吗？吃得饱吗？晚上会冷吗？我知道你总不会照顾自己。每次我一走开，你就会从猪栏里跳出来！
26. I really hope I can always be by your side, to make sure you sleep well, eat enough, and stay warm at night. I know you can’t take care of yourself. Every time I leave, you jump out of the pigsty!

27、买彩票，我问：买单还是买双？你说：买单。猜拳时，我问：买单还是买双？你说：买单。我去买钻戒，我问：如果是你，买单只还是买一对？你说：我买单！
27. When buying lottery tickets, I asked, “Do you want to bet on odd or even numbers?” You said, “Odd.” When we played rock-paper-scissors, I asked, “Odd or even?” You said, “Odd.” When I bought a diamond ring, I asked, “If it were you, would you buy a single ring or a pair?” You said, “I’ll take the odd one!”

28、小乌龟收到恶意短信，他对妈妈说：“有人给我发恶意短信!”妈妈说：“猪才看呢，是乌龟就不看!”
28. Little turtle received a malicious text message and told his mom, “Someone sent me a mean text message!” His mom replied, “Pigs are the ones who read those; if you’re a turtle, you won’t read it!”

29、真的对不起，我只是跟你随便说说，天冷了吃驴肉火锅肯定不错，没想到你会生气地对我怒吼：我哥怎么得罪你了，你要残忍地把他放入火锅，那可是我亲哥。
29. I’m really sorry, I was just casually talking to you. I thought it would be nice to eat donkey hotpot in cold weather, but I didn’t expect you to get so angry at me and shout, “What did my brother do to offend you? How could you be so cruel as to put him in a hotpot? He’s my own brother!”

30、我要告诉你一件事哟，你千万不要告诉别人，听说城里人最近老打狗，不知道你主人最近打你了没有啊？老主人怀念你啊！
30. I have to tell you something, but don’t tell anyone else: I heard that people in the city have been beating dogs lately. I wonder if your owner has beaten you recently? Your old owner misses you!

31、五脏属五行，肝属木，心属火，肺属金，肾属水，脾属土。我帮你算了一下，原来你五行缺火和金，难怪那么长时间不请我吃饭，原来你没心没肺啊！
31. The five organs correspond to the five elements: the liver to wood, the heart to fire, the lungs to metal, the kidneys to water, and the spleen to earth. I calculated it for you, and it turns out that you lack fire and metal elements. No wonder you haven’t invited me for a meal in such a long time; it’s because you have no heart and soul!

32、神知道你口渴，创造了水；神知道你饿，创造了米；神知道你没有一个可爱的朋友，所以创造了我；然而神也知道这世上没有苯蛋，顺便创造了你。
32. God knew you were thirsty, so he created water; God knew you were hungry, so he created rice; God knew you needed a lovely friend, so he created me; but God also knew there were no fools in this world, so he created you.

33、听说你在谈恋爱很有一手，很多美女都为你的浪漫而着迷，你的手段简直比奥斯卡的电影还经典，如果拍成电影的话，那简直就是活脱脱一部《美女与野兽》！
33. I’ve heard that you’re quite the romantic, enchanting many beautiful women with your charm. Your tactics are even more classic than an Oscar-winning movie. If turned into a film, it would be a perfect “Beauty and the Beast”!

34、大雪分飞风怒吼，你独自一人屋檐走。行人冻的瑟瑟抖，忽听一声”抓小偷，一不小心失了手，被人抓住打烂头。我愿天工重抖擞，让看信息的变小狗。
34. Heavy snow and roaring winds, you walk alone under the eaves. Pedestrians shiver in the cold, suddenly hearing “Catch the thief!” You accidentally miss your grip and get caught, getting your head beaten. I wish the heavens would intervene, turning the person who reads this message into a little dog.

35、有一天我对你说：你是猪！你却对我说：我是猪才怪！从此以后我就叫你猪才怪！那天你实在忍不住了，对着众人就喊：我不是猪才怪！
35. One day, I said to you: “You’re a pig!” But you replied: “I’m not a pig, weirdo!” From then on, I called you “Pig Weirdo.” One day, you couldn’t take it anymore and shouted to everyone: “I’m not Pig Weirdo!”

36、你爱好清洁每天拖地，你身材妙曼亭亭玉立，你性格羞赧默默无语，你世外仙姝独行特立，你任劳任怨毫无娇气，你会传为佳话，可爱的拖把！
36. You love cleanliness, dragging the floor every day. You have a graceful figure, a shy and quiet personality, and you stand out from the crowd. You work tirelessly without any fuss, and your story will be passed down as a legend. You, my dear mop!

37、我是一棵孤独的树，千百年来矗立在路旁，寂寞的等待，只为有一天当你从我身边走过时，为你倾倒，砸不扁你就算白活了。
37. I am a lonely tree, standing by the roadside for thousands of years, waiting in solitude. Just for one day when you pass by me, I will fall for you, and if I don’t flatten you, my life would be in vain.

38、将这封短信转发次，你会走财运；转发次，你会走官运；转发次，你会走桃花运；转发次，你将花掉元钱！
38. Send this message 10 times, and you will have good fortune; send it 100 times, and you will have a successful career; send it 1000 times, and you will have a romantic encounter; send it 10000 times, and you will spend 100 yuan!

39、八戒化斋一直未归。这天，一个酷似八戒的人从远处走来，悟空说可能是妖精，唐僧说：发条短信试试，回的就是八戒，不回就是妖精！
39. Bajie has been gone for a long time, collecting alms. One day, a person who looks like Bajie comes from afar. Wukong says it might be a demon, while Tang Seng suggests: “Let’s send a text message to test. If they reply, it’s Bajie; if not, it’s a demon!”

40、注意啦，夏季空调省电攻略送给你，我多年的经验，是朋友才告诉你：第一步，找到空调电源；第二步，拔掉电源；第三步，检查效果，看，电表转慢了吧。
40. Attention, here’s a summer air conditioner power-saving strategy for you, based on my years of experience. I’m only sharing this with you as a friend: Step 1, find the air conditioner’s power supply; Step 2, unplug it; Step 3, check the results. See, the electric meter is spinning slower now!

41、刚听说你被拐卖，真的把我吓坏，你虽然从小痴呆，但对社会无害，谁人如此大胆，竟敢拿你去卖，我真替他担心，卖得掉才怪。
41. I just heard that you were kidnapped, which really scared me. Although you’ve been mentally challenged since childhood, you’ve never harmed society. Who would dare to sell you? I’m really worried for them; it would be strange if they could sell you.

42、阳光明媚，微风轻轻吹，杨柳多情地摇动着枝条，桃花吐着迷人的芳香，小溪在唱着欢快的歌儿，好一幅春天的画卷，我想说的是…好好工作，老板来啦！
42. The sun is shining brightly, the breeze is gently blowing, the willow trees sway their branches with affection, peach blossoms release their enchanting fragrance, and the stream sings a cheerful song. What a beautiful spring scene! What I want to say is… focus on your work, the boss is coming!

43、真是一件怪事？刚拨了一下你的手机，提示音回复：对方正在裸奔。怕听错了！又拨了过去，这时候提示音回复：对不起，所拨的用户已奔出地球。
43. Isn’t it strange? I just called your cell phone, and the voice message said: “The person you’re calling is running naked.” Afraid I misheard, I called again, and this time the message said: “Sorry, the person you’re calling has run out of the Earth.”

44、为了你，我做了好多准备，专门跑了一趟超市，买了许多你需要的东西，这下子好了，万事具备，你这只鸭子终于可以下锅了。
44. I’ve prepared a lot for you, running to the supermarket specially to buy all the things you need. Now everything is ready, and you, my dear duck, can finally be cooked.

45、我一直想对你说三个字，可你知道它的份量，我怕一旦说出咱们连朋友都没得做。可我控制不住感情鼓起勇气对你说：你是猪。
45. I’ve always wanted to say three words to you, but you know their weight. I’m afraid that once I say it, we won’t even be friends anymore. But I can’t control my emotions and musters the courage to say: You are a pig.

46、自我感觉良好的往下来，自我感觉幽默的往下来，自我感觉有魅力的往下看，自我感觉聪明的往下来，嗯，是挺不要脸的。
46. For those who think they are good-looking, scroll down; for those who think they are humorous, scroll down; for those who think they are charming, scroll down; for those who think they are smart, scroll down. Well, you’re quite shameless.

47、大家注意了，智力大比拼：选手是象，猪和你。比赛结果已经出来了：第一是象要比猪强，你要比象强。最后的排名是：你象猪。好的，来点掌声！
47. Everyone, pay attention! It’s a big intelligence competition: The contestants are an elephant, a pig, and you. The results are in: First place, the elephant is stronger than the pig; you are stronger than the elephant. The final ranking is: You are like a pig. Great, let’s give them a round of applause!

48、你像风轻盈，你像水温柔，你像雾朦胧，你像月浪漫，你像日热情，你像海宽容，你像牛健康，你像龟长寿，你像兔可爱，总之一句话：你没一处像人。
48. You are as light as the wind, as gentle as water, as misty as fog, as romantic as the moon, as passionate as the sun, as tolerant as the sea, as healthy as a cow, as long-lived as a turtle, and as cute as a rabbit. In short, there is not a single aspect of you that resembles a human.

49、今夜的月光真的很美很美，真想与你一起漫步在大街上，我好喜欢和你一起肩并肩的走着的感觉……只是，我害怕别人用异样的眼光看我，毕竟晚上带头猪上街，很容易被人注意的！
49. The moonlight tonight is truly beautiful, and I really want to take a walk with you on the streets. I love the feeling of walking side by side with you… However, I am afraid that people will look at me strangely, after all, taking a pig out on the streets at night is quite eye-catching!

50、最近一段时间老流行着老鼠爱大米，这让我不由自主地想起了你。你那柔若无骨的肌肤，你那弱不禁风的小身了，真让我提心吊胆：该死的虫子！不要再来祸害我家的米了！
50. Recently, the song “Mouse Loves Rice” has been very popular, which reminds me of you involuntarily. Your skin is so delicate and tender, and your body is so frail that it makes me worry: Damn bug! Stop harming my rice!

51、我好想你哟，什么时候才能见到你？你想得我晚上都睡不着，辗转反侧，难以入眠，夜不能寐。借我的钱该还了吧？
51. I miss you so much, when can I see you? You make me sleepless at night, tossing and turning, unable to fall asleep, and unable to rest. It’s about time you returned the money you borrowed from me, right?

52、在我的眼里，你一直无忧无虑，吃饭是那么香那么甜，睡觉时都那么舒坦。有时候感觉：真羡慕你这样的小狗生活！
52. In my eyes, you have always been carefree, enjoying your meals so much, and sleeping so comfortably. Sometimes I feel: I really envy your dog-like life!

53、你长的很有创意，活着是你的勇气，丑不是你的本意，是上帝发了脾气，活下去，没有你，谁来衬托世界的美丽！
53. You have a unique appearance, and living is your courage. Ugliness is not your intention; it’s just that God was in a bad mood. Live on, for without you, who would highlight the beauty of the world?

54、你与我静静地走在家乡的小路上，你害羞地低头不语。乡亲们见了我都说：好孩子，打扮得干净又漂亮，可惜这么小年纪就出来放猪！
54. You and I walked quietly on the small path in our hometown, and you shyly lowered your head without speaking. The villagers saw me and said, “What a good child, so clean and pretty, but it’s a pity that you’re so young and already out herding pigs!”

55、公猪马上被杀，只听对主人苦苦哀求：杀我不要紧，只是求你们不要让我老婆看到，不要让她难过，不要打扰她，就让它在那里玩她的手机吧。
55. The boar was about to be slaughtered and pleaded with the owner, “It doesn’t matter if you kill me, but please don’t let my wife see it, don’t make her sad, don’t disturb her, just let her play with her phone there.”

56、难以忘记把你捧着手心的感觉，难以忘记吻着你时的丝丝心动，难以忘记你的特有的味道，让我再狠命的吮吸你一下吧——香烟。
56. I can’t forget the feeling of holding you in my palm, the tingling sensation when kissing you, and your unique taste. Let me suck on you hard once more – cigarette.

57、记得我那次真的狠下心了，扭头准备离开，身后传来了你无助的哭声与撕心裂肺的喊叫，突然之间我感觉到了我是多么地需要你。我一回身把你抱紧：“这头猪我真的不卖了！”
57. I remember that time when I really made up my mind to leave, turning my head and walking away. The sound of your helpless crying and heart-wrenching screams came from behind. Suddenly, I realized how much I needed you. I turned around and hugged you tightly: “I won’t sell this pig!”

58、真希望和你一起去看海，却一直没有去；真希望和你去登山，却因茫然而没有去；真希望和你一起去流浪，结果碰到了警察，说：逛街不许带狗！
58. I really hope to see the sea with you, but we never went; I hope to climb mountains with you, but we didn’t go due to confusion; I hope to wander with you, but we ended up encountering the police, who said, “No dogs allowed while shopping!”

59、你知道吗，今天癞蛤蟆向天鹅表白了，天鹅说：谁长成你这样子还不如去死！癞蛤蟆不服气：那隔壁的猪头还活得好好的呢！猪头郁闷地说：我只是在看短信，咋又中枪了？
59. You know, today a toad confessed to a swan, and the swan said, “If you look like that, you might as well die!” The toad was indignant: “But the pig head next door is still living a good life!” The pig head sighed, “I’m just reading a text message, why am I getting hit again?”

60、养在家里的是家猪，生在山中的叫野猪，读这信息的是蠢猪，如果在笑的是笨猪，生气的是肥猪，不理我的是死猪，不回复的连猪都不如。
60. The ones raised at home are domestic pigs, the ones born in the mountains are wild pigs, the one reading this message is a foolish pig, the one laughing is a dumb pig, the one getting angry is a fat pig, the one ignoring me is dead pig, and the one who doesn’t reply is worse than a pig.

61、说你是凤凰，我说你是乌鸦；你说你是玫瑰花，我说你是？]蛤蟆；你说你是活泼的小鹿，我说你是淘气的小猪！
61. When I say you’re a phoenix, I say you’re a crow; when you say you’re a rose, I say you’re a toad; when you say you’re a lively deer, I say you’re a mischievous pig!

62、沙和尚说：我有十八变，八戒说：我有三十六变，悟空说：我有七十二变。唐僧大怒：西去的路上也没见你们变个电话，你看人家妖怪还拿着手机看短信呢！
62. Sandy the Monk said, “I have eighteen transformations,” Pigsy said, “I have thirty-six transformations,” and Wukong said, “I have seventy-two transformations.” Tang Sanzang became furious: “On the way to the West, I never saw you guys transform a phone, but look at the demons, they’re even using mobile phones to read text messages!”

63、我和你的友谊，丰富了我的感情：你哭的时候我也哭；你笑的时候我也笑；你从高楼跳出去，我也会毫不犹豫地探出头去大声喊：哇噻！不死才怪！
63. My friendship with you has enriched my emotions: when you cry, I cry too; when you laugh, I laugh too; when you jump off a tall building, I will not hesitate to stick my head out and shout loudly: Wow! It’s strange not to die!

64、送你有屎以来，粪量最重的礼物，你一定会大吃一斤，如果不够，还请自便。
64. Here’s a gift with the heaviest weight of feces since you were born. You will definitely be amazed by it. If it’s not enough, please help yourself.

65、四只小猪地上坐，突然之间少一个。那个小猪在那里，原来在看短消息。
65. Four little pigs sat on the ground, and suddenly one was missing. Where was that little pig? It turned out it was reading a short message.

66、你表现出色立了大功，组织决定嘉奖你。你脖子挂着奖章坐在桌边，面对丰盛的宴席你不为所动，我疑惑间，却见你飞身越起，扑向一物，仔细一看：一根骨头。
66. You performed excellently and made a great contribution. The organization decided to reward you. You sat at the table with a medal around your neck, facing a sumptuous feast, but you didn’t move. I was puzzled and saw you leap up, pounce on something, and upon closer inspection, it was a bone.

67、一直想见到你，却因事忙不能和你想见，今天终于有时间了。所以我特意来狗窝看看你。
67. I’ve always wanted to see you, but I was too busy to meet you. Today, I finally have some time, so I came to the doghouse to see you.

68、你是江南第八怪，不回家总在外，不喝酒老吃菜，不谈情老做爱，做爱经常套不带，常拿小姐当被盖，不给钱竟耍懒，经常让人拿脚踹。
68. You are the eighth weirdo in the south of the Yangtze River. You never go home, always stay outside; you never drink but eat vegetables; you never talk about love but have sex; you often have sex without a condom; you treat prostitutes as quilts; you don’t pay and act lazy; you often get kicked.

69、你好可爱——可怜没人爱；你长得真不错——长得这样真的不是你的错；你是天才——天生的蠢才；你很气质——小气又神经质。
69. You are so cute - pitiful that no one loves you; you look really good - it’s not your fault to look like this; you are a genius - a naturally stupid one; you are very temperamental - stingy and neurotic.

70、清晨你轻轻地走近我的床前，深情地吻着我的脸，你那深遂的眼眸始终注视着我，实在无法拒绝你——“狗狗乖，带你去散步”。
70. In the early morning, you gently approached my bedside, kissing my face affectionately. Your deep eyes were always staring at me. I couldn’t resist you - “Good dog, let’s go for a walk.”

71、有一种思念叫魂牵梦绕，有一种爱情叫白头到老，有一种美丽叫花容月貌，有一种约定叫天荒地老，有一种问候叫小猪你好！
71. There is a kind of longing called yearning, a kind of love called growing old together, a kind of beauty called stunning, a kind of promise called forever, and a kind of greeting called “Hello, little pig!”

72、上厕所没带上纸，准备打电话叫人送，拿出手机一看，呃没信号，谁建的厕所！服了。
72. I went to the bathroom without bringing paper and was about to call someone to bring some. I took out my phone and saw that there was no signal. Who built this bathroom? I’m impressed.

73、你想出人头地吗？你想发财致富吗？你想光宗耀祖吗？你想大富大贵吗？你想升官发财吗？别胡思乱想了，洗洗睡吧，明天还得上班呢！
73. Do you want to make a name for yourself? Do you want to become rich? Do you want to bring honor to your family? Do you want to be wealthy and powerful? Do you want to get promoted and make money? Stop daydreaming and go to sleep. You still have to work tomorrow!

74、天空飘着小雨丝似在嘲笑我的痴，为何你那样自私狠心让我空相思，搅尽脑汁写诗满腹心酸有谁知，只见猪头和白痴盯着手机读此诗。
74. The sky is filled with drizzling rain, seemingly mocking my foolishness. Why are you so selfish and heartless, leaving me with unrequited love? I rack my brain to write poetry, but who knows the bitterness in my heart? Only a fool and an idiot stare at their phones reading this poem.

75、如果没有花的陪伴，春天就会孤单；如果没有四季的变换，生活就会平淡；如果没有我的阻拦，你已皮开肉绽；如果没有你的美艳，我顿顿素菜相伴！猪你节日快乐！
75. Without the company of flowers, spring would be lonely; without the change of seasons, life would be dull; without my interference, you would be bruised and battered; without your beauty, I would eat vegetarian dishes every meal! Pig, have a happy holiday!

76、你知道吗？我正急着到处去找你，有条惊人的好消息要告诉你：你妈拜托我件事，让我给你存了几个亿，借空亲自捎给你！那天抱钱去找你，见你睡得很甜蜜，真不忍心叫醒你！一窝小猪崽就属你最美丽！哈！猪你节日快乐！
76. You know what? I’m rushing around looking for you, with an amazing good news to tell you: your mom asked me to do something and let me save a few hundred million for you. When I went to deliver the money to you that day, I saw you sleeping so peacefully, and I really couldn’t bear to wake you up! Among the litter of piglets, you are the most beautiful! Ha! Pig, have a happy holiday!

77、孔子曰：“吾欲愚人而愚之。”，于是我问孔子，这句话是我想愚弄人就愚弄的意思吗？孔子曰：“NO”。你想知道是什么意思吗？笨蛋！我忽悠你呢，孔子怎么可能认识我呢！孔子更不会英文了！哈哈，祝你愚人节快乐！
77. Confucius said, “I want to fool people and fool them.” So I asked Confucius, does this mean I can fool people if I want to? Confucius said, “NO.” Do you want to know what it means? Fool! I’m fooling you. How could Confucius know me? He doesn’t even speak English! Haha, happy April Fool’s Day to you!

78、千万次地问自己，为何最近总想你，牵肠挂肚惦记你，梦中影像总是你，发条信息也为你，不好意思提醒你，鼓足勇气问问你：啥时候请我吃饭呀？
78. I’ve asked myself a million times, why I always think of you lately, worrying about you, dreaming of you, and sending messages for you. I’m embarrassed to remind you, but I muster up the courage to ask you: When will you treat me to a meal?

79、你真的想知道我喜欢你的哪一点吗？可是我真的不敢说出口，但是又不得不说出口。我就是喜欢你离我远一点。
79. Do you really want to know what I like about you? But I’m afraid to say it, yet I have to. I just like that you stay away from me.

80、刚才朋友聊天，有谈到你，知道吗？我和他们吵了起来，还差点动手，因为他们有的说你像猴子，有的说你像猩猩，实在太过分了！根本没有把你当猪看！
80. Just now, my friends and I were chatting about you. Do you know? I argued with them and almost started a fight, because some said you looked like a monkey, while others said you looked like an orangutan. That’s too much! They didn’t even treat you like a pig!

81、自从我第一次看见你时，就已经深深地被你吸引住了，你的那行为举止，让我忍不住实在想多看你两眼，现在我实在憋不住了，想对你说：你简直就是一只会两条腿走路的小狗。
81. Since the first time I saw you, I have been deeply attracted to you. Your behavior and manners make me unable to resist looking at you more. Now I can’t hold it in any longer and want to say to you: You are just like a little dog walking on two legs.

82、给马桶好好擦了身以后，马桶为了感谢我，问我有什么愿望可以帮我实现，我就说：希望你帮我照顾正在看短信的这头猪！希望他每次便便的时候都开开心心！
82. After cleaning the toilet thoroughly, it thanked me and asked if there was any wish it could help me fulfill. I said: I hope you can take care of the pig who is reading this message! I hope he is happy every time he goes to the bathroom!

83、今晚夜色很美，很想跟你分享，很想带你一起欣赏……不过，我怕别人用异样的眼光看我们，毕竟晚上带只蠢猪出门，是很难不引起旁人注意的！
83. The night is beautiful, and I really want to share it with you and take you to appreciate it together… But I’m afraid that people will look at us strangely, after all, taking a stupid pig out at night is hard not to attract attention!

84、夏日周末，酷暑炎热，骄阳似火，我很想你。一想你就浑身燥热，一燥热就特别想和你见面，一见面我就迫不及待地想扑进你的怀里…我亲爱的游泳池！
84. On a summer weekend, the scorching sun is like a fire, and I miss you so much. Thinking of you makes me feel hot all over, and when I feel hot, I especially want to meet you. Once we meet, I can’t wait to jump into your arms… my dear swimming pool!

85、请先摸摸你那红嫩的小脸，再摸摸你的小肚子！好！这次养猪知识讲座到此结束，明天见！
85. Please touch your rosy little face first, and then touch your belly! Alright! This pig-raising knowledge lecture ends here, see you tomorrow!

86、有了你以后，我相信命运的安排；有了你以后，我相信缘份的注定；可能这所有一切都是在冥冥之中牵引着你和我。真想生气地说：我上辈子我欠了你多少啊！
86. With you, I believe in fate; with you, I believe in destiny. Perhaps all these things are connecting you and me in the unseen world. I really want to say angrily: How much did I owe you in my last life?!

87、学语文就是为了发短信；学数学就是为了数钞票；学英语就是为了装洋气；学物理就是为了制造原子弹；学美术就是为了不用看二师兄的照片也能画得像你！
87. I study Chinese to send text messages; I study math to count money; I study English to pretend to be sophisticated; I study physics to make atomic bombs; I study art so that I can draw you without looking at the picture of the second brother!

88、夜已深，独自走在小巷，突然觉得好孤独，好寂寞，好害怕，我心中急切地想着你，念着你，盼着你，要是你在我身边该多好啊，我真的很需要你——手电筒！
88. Late at night, walking alone in the alley, I suddenly feel so lonely, so lonely, and so scared. I desperately think of you, miss you, and long for you. If only you were by my side, I would really need you – flashlight!

89、沐浴着微风，你潇洒轻松；沐浴着阳光，你玉树临风；你味道浓浓，鸡鸭鱼肉都需要你的调控，你是厨房里的英雄！我不能没有你，大葱！
89. Bathed in the breeze, you are relaxed and easygoing; bathed in the sunlight, you are as elegant as a tree. Your strong flavor is needed to regulate chicken, duck, and fish dishes. You are the hero in the kitchen! I can’t live without you, green onion!

90、最近流行老鼠爱大米，让我不禁想起你。你柔若无骨的嫩肌肤，你弱不禁风的小身体，真是让我提心又吊胆：该死的米虫！可别来祸害我家的米！
90. Recently, the popular song “Mouse Love Rice” reminds me of you. Your tender and delicate skin, your frail little body, really make me worried: Damn rice worm! Don’t come to harm my family’s rice!

91、新年到了，有四个字要对你说，虽然有一点不好意思，但这不是害羞的时候，不说出来，我会后悔莫及，所以我很真心地对你说，红包拿来！
91. The New Year is here, and I have four words to tell you. Although I’m a little embarrassed, this is not the time to be shy. If I don’t say it, I will regret it, so I sincerely say to you, give me the red envelope!

92、你拽，你拽，最会是当别人不存在，整天就只会到处去晒，也不怕把别人都吓坏，别以为自己长得很帅，其实你只是天蓬元帅！
92. You’re so arrogant, always acting as if others don’t exist, and showing off everywhere, not afraid to scare others. Don’t think you’re handsome; in fact, you’re just Marshal Tian Peng!

93、那个夏日的午后，我带你走进青纱帐。太阳高高地照着，微风撩起我的衣衫，我们一起度过了美好的下午：你低头吃草，我看小人书！
93. On that summer afternoon, I took you into the green curtain. The sun was shining high, and the breeze lifted my clothes. We spent a wonderful afternoon together: you ate grass with your head down, and I read comic books!

94、如果一定和猪比，我认为你最少有两点和它不同：一、你比它能吃。二、它比你聪明。
94. If I must compare you to a pig, I think there are at least two differences: 1. You can eat more than it. 2. It is smarter than you.

95、众水族给老龙王祝寿，席间龟丞相从怀中掏出一物，看了看，又放了回去。龙王忙问：龟丞相又有何事？虾兵蟹将赶紧答道：老王八又收到短信了。
95. During the birthday celebration for the Dragon King, the Turtle Prime Minister took out something from his pocket, looked at it, and put it back. The Dragon King hurriedly asked: What’s the matter with the Turtle Prime Minister? The shrimp soldiers and crab generals quickly replied: The old turtle has received a text message again.

96、你长得很有创意，活着是你的勇气，丑并非你的本意，如果没有了你，谁能衬托出世界的美丽！
96. You look very creative, and living takes courage. Ugliness is not your intention. Without you, who can set off the beauty of the world?

97、坦白说我很喜欢你，你的眼神，走路的姿势，快乐的神情，撒娇的可爱甚至你睡觉的样子，我都着迷！可最让我生气的是你不逮耗子，还老掉毛。
97. To be honest, I really like you. Your eyes, the way you walk, your happy expression, your cuteness when coquettish, and even the way you sleep, all fascinate me! But what makes me most angry is that you don’t catch mice and always shed hair.

98、你真是个天才——天生的蠢才，毕业于哈佛——哈尔滨佛学院，长得也不错——长得这样真的不是你的错。
98. You are a genius - a naturally stupid one. You graduated from Harvard - Harbin Buddhist College. You look good too - it’s really not your fault for looking like this.

99、曾以为有更好的，反反复复才发觉，最好的就在身边，就像你。起初对你出现，并不为然，随着时间流逝，才发觉你是最好……欺负的！
99. I once thought there was something better, but after going through it again and again, I realized that the best one is right beside me, just like you. At first, I didn’t care about your appearance, but as time went by, I found out that you are the best one to… bully!

100、我决心为全国人民做件大事：给珠穆朗玛峰修电梯给长城贴瓷砖给飞机安倒档；做件小事：给苍蝇戴手套给蚊子戴口罩给你喂点猪饲料。
100. I am determined to do something great for the people of the whole country: install an elevator for Mount Everest, tile the Great Wall, and install a reverse gear for airplanes; and do something small: put gloves on flies, masks on mosquitoes, and feed you some pig feed.

1、春天的花很艳，那是你明媚的笑容；夏天的太阳炽热，那是你的激情；秋天的硕果累累，那是你的收成；冬天的风吹来了，小青娃，你该冬眠了！
1. The flowers in spring are very beautiful, just like your bright smile; the sun in summer is scorching, just like your passion; the fruits in autumn are abundant, just like your harvest; the winter wind is blowing, little frog, it’s time for you to hibernate!

2、前天我送你回家，走到一幢豪华的大楼前，你深情地看着我说到了，你回去吧。我久久望着你的背影，看见上面写着四个字：精神病院。
2. The day before yesterday, I saw you off home. When we arrived in front of a luxurious building, you looked at me affectionately and said, “I’m home. You can go back now.” I gazed at your back for a long time and saw four words written on it: Mental Hospital.

3、萤火虫在黑夜里那叫一个闪亮，鹤立鸡群那叫显眼，马在驴中那叫出众，猪八戒在猪圈那叫俊俏，你和猩猩站在一起那叫……帅了个呆的！
3. The fireflies shine so brightly in the dark night, the crane stands out among chickens, the horse is outstanding among donkeys, and the Pigsy is handsome in the pigsty. You and the gorilla standing together are… stunningly handsome!

4、昨天有人在背后说你是猪，为了你，我和他大打出手，他妈的，哪能因为人家长的像什么就说人家是什么，你说对不？
4. Someone said behind your back yesterday that you are a pig. For your sake, I fought with him. Damn it, how can we call someone what they look like, right?

5、你像风轻盈，你像水温柔，你像雾朦胧，你像月浪漫，你像日热情，你像海宽容，你像牛健康，你像龟长寿，你像兔可爱，总之一句话：你没一处像人。
5. You are as light as the wind, as gentle as water, as hazy as the fog, as romantic as the moon, as passionate as the sun, as tolerant as the sea, as healthy as the cow, as long-lived as the turtle, as cute as the rabbit. In short, you don’t have a single human trait.

6、真的对不起，我只是跟你随便说说，天冷了吃驴肉火锅肯定不错，没想到你会生气地对我怒吼：我哥怎么得罪你了，你要残忍地把他放入火锅，那可是我亲哥。
6. I’m really sorry, I just casually talked to you. Eating donkey meat hot pot in cold weather must be great, but I didn’t expect you to get angry and roar at me: “What has my brother done to offend you? You want to cruelly put him in the hot pot. He is my own brother.”

7、我是一棵孤独的树，千百年来矗立在路旁，寂寞的等待，只为有一天当你从我身边走过时，为你倾倒，砸不扁你就算白活了。
7. I am a lonely tree, standing by the roadside for thousands of years, waiting in loneliness, just for one day when you pass by me, to fall for you, and if I don’t flatten you, my life would be in vain.

8、将这封短信转发次，你会走财运；转发次，你会走官运；转发次，你会走桃花运；转发次，你将花掉元钱！
8. Forward this message 8 times, and you will have good luck; forward it 6 times, you will have official luck; forward it 3 times, you will have romantic luck; forward it 9 times, and you will spend 9 yuan!

9、八戒化斋一直未归。这天，一个酷似八戒的人从远处走来，悟空说可能是妖精，唐僧说：发条短信试试，回的就是八戒，不回就是妖精！
9. Bajie has been gone for a long time to beg for food. One day, a person who looks very much like Bajie came from afar. Wukong said it might be a demon, and Tang Seng said: “Send a text message to try, if they reply, it’s Bajie; if not, it’s a demon!”

10、注意啦，夏季空调省电攻略送给你，我多年的经验，是朋友才告诉你：第一步，找到空调电源；第二步，拔掉电源；第三步，检查效果，看，电表转慢了吧。
10. Attention, here comes the air-conditioning power-saving strategy for summer, shared with you based on my years of experience. Only friends get to know: Step 1, find the air-conditioning power source; Step 2, unplug it; Step 3, check the effect. See, the electricity meter is spinning slower now.

11、夏天夜晚，你轻盈地钻进我的蚊帐，抚摸我的臂膀，亲吻我的脸庞，我被你撩拨的全身痒痒。将灯拉亮，拉住你两条长腿，该死的蚊子！我让你去见阎王！
11. On a summer night, you gently sneak into my mosquito net, caressing my arm, kissing my face, teasing me until my whole body itches. I turn on the light, grab your two long legs, you damned mosquito! I’ll make you pay!

12、我知道你喜欢我，但我真的不喜欢你，虽然你肚子里已经有了我的血肉，但还是请你不要再骚扰我了，否则我就对你不客气了，你个死蚊子！
12. I know you like me, but I really don’t like you. Although you have my blood and flesh in your belly, please stop bothering me, or I’ll be ruthless to you, you dead mosquito!

13、有一种默契叫做心照不宣，有一种感觉叫做妙不可言，有一种思念叫做望眼欲穿，有一种白痴会把短信看完！
13. There is a kind of tacit understanding called unspoken agreement, a feeling called unspeakable, a longing called yearning, and an idiot who reads the message to the end!

14、夜已深，独自走在小巷，突然觉得好孤独，好寂寞，好害怕，我心中急切地想着你，念着你，盼着你，要是你在我身边该多好啊，我真的很需要你——手电筒！
14. It’s late at night, walking alone in the alley, suddenly feeling so lonely, so lonely, and scared. I desperately think of you, miss you, and long for you. If only you were by my side, I really need you - flashlight!

15、自从我第一次看见你时，就已经深深地被你吸引住了，你的那行为举止，让我忍不住实在想多看你两眼，现在我实在憋不住了，想对你说：你简直就是一只会两条腿走路的小狗。
15. Ever since I first saw you, I was deeply attracted to you. Your behavior and举止 made me unable to help but want to see more of you. Now I can’t hold back my feelings and must tell you: you are just like a little dog walking on two legs.

16、给马桶好好擦了身以后，马桶为了感谢我，问我有什么愿望可以帮我实现，我就说：希望你帮我照顾正在看短信的这头猪！希望他每次便便的时候都开开心心！
16. After cleaning the toilet thoroughly, it thanked me and asked if there was any wish it could help me fulfill. I said, “Please help me take care of the pig who is reading this message! I hope he is happy every time he uses the toilet!”

17、今晚夜色很美，很想跟你分享，很想带你一起欣赏……不过，我怕别人用异样的眼光看我们，毕竟晚上带只蠢猪出门，是很难不引起旁人注意的！
17. The night is beautiful tonight, and I really want to share it with you, take you to appreciate it together… But I’m afraid people will look at us strangely, after all, taking a stupid pig out at night is hard not to attract attention!

18、刚听说你被拐卖，真的把我吓坏，你虽然从小痴呆，但对社会无害，谁人如此大胆，竟敢拿你去卖，我真替他担心，卖得掉才怪。
18. I just heard that you were kidnapped, which really scared me. Although you have been mentally challenged since childhood, you are harmless to society. Who would dare to sell you? I really worry about them, no one would buy you.

19、我一直想对你说三个字，可你知道它的份量，我怕一旦说出咱们连朋友都没得做。可我控制不住感情鼓起勇气对你说：你是猪。
19. I have always wanted to tell you three words, but you know their weight. I’m afraid that once I say them, we won’t be friends anymore. But I can’t control my feelings and must tell you with courage: You are a pig.

20、夏日周末，酷暑炎热，骄阳似火，我很想你。一想你就浑身燥热，一燥热就特别想和你见面，一见面我就迫不及待地想扑进你的怀里…我亲爱的游泳池！
20. On a summer weekend, the scorching heat is unbearable, and the sun is like a fire. I miss you so much. Thinking of you makes me feel hot all over, and when I feel hot, I especially want to meet you. When we meet, I can’t wait to jump into your arms… my dear swimming pool!

21、请先摸摸你那红嫩的小脸，再摸摸你的小肚子！好！这次养猪知识讲座到此结束，明天见！
21. Please touch your rosy little face first, then touch your belly! Alright! This pig-raising knowledge lecture ends here, see you tomorrow!

22、我要告诉你一件事哟，你千万不要告诉别人，听说城里人最近老打狗，不知道你主人最近打你了没有啊？老主人怀念你啊！
22. I want to tell you something, but you must not tell anyone. I heard that people in the city have been beating dogs lately. I wonder if your master has beaten you recently? Your old master misses you!

23、五脏属五行，肝属木，心属火，肺属金，肾属水，脾属土。我帮你算了一下，原来你五行缺火和金，难怪那么长时间不请我吃饭，原来你没心没肺啊！
23. The five organs correspond to the five elements: liver belongs to wood, heart to fire, lung to metal, kidney to water, and spleen to earth. I calculated for you and found that you lack fire and metal elements. No wonder you haven’t invited me for dinner for such a long time,原来是你没心没肺啊！

24、你真的想知道我喜欢你的哪一点吗？可是我真的不敢说出口，但是又不得不说出口。我就是喜欢你离我远一点。
24. Do you really want to know what I like about you? But I dare not say it, yet I have to. What I like about you is that you stay away from me.

25、阳光明媚，微风轻轻吹，杨柳多情地摇动着枝条，桃花吐着迷人的芳香，小溪在唱着欢快的歌儿，好一幅春天的画卷，我想说的是…好好工作，老板来啦！
25. The sun is shining brightly, the breeze is gently blowing, the willow branches are swaying affectionately, the peach blossoms are emitting a charming fragrance, the stream is singing a cheerful song, what a beautiful spring scene. What I want to say is… work hard, the boss is coming!

26、真是一件怪事？刚拨了一下你的手机，提示音回复：对方正在裸奔。怕听错了！又拨了过去，这时候提示音回复：对不起，所拨的用户已奔出地球。
26. It’s really a strange thing? I just dialed your phone and the prompt replied: The other party is running naked. Afraid I heard wrong! I dialed again, and this time the prompt replied: Sorry, the user you dialed has run out of the Earth.

27、你长的很有创意，活着是你的勇气，丑不是你的本意，是上帝发了脾气，活下去，没有你，谁来衬托世界的美丽！
27. You look very creative, living is your courage, being ugly is not your intention, it’s God who lost his temper, live on, without you, who will set off the beauty of the world!

28、你与我静静地走在家乡的小路上，你害羞地低头不语。乡亲们见了我都说：好孩子，打扮得干净又漂亮，可惜这么小年纪就出来放猪！
28. You and I walked quietly on the small road in our hometown, you shyly bowed your head and didn’t speak. The villagers saw me and said: Good child, you are clean and beautiful, but it’s a pity that you are so young and out herding pigs!

29、自我感觉良好的往下来，自我感觉幽默的往下来，自我感觉有魅力的往下看，自我感觉聪明的往下来，嗯，是挺不要脸的。
29. For those who feel good about themselves, scroll down; for those who feel humorous, scroll down; for those who feel charming, scroll down; for those who feel smart, scroll down. Well, it’s quite shameless.

30、大家注意了，智力大比拼：选手是象，猪和你。比赛结果已经出来了：第一是象要比猪强，你要比象强。最后的排名是：你象猪。好的，来点掌声！
30. Attention everyone, intelligence competition: The contestants are an elephant, a pig, and you. The results are in: First, the elephant is stronger than the pig, and you are stronger than the elephant. The final ranking is: You are like a pig. Okay, let’s have some applause!

31、有了你以后，我相信命运的安排；有了你以后，我相信缘份的注定；可能这所有一切都是在冥冥之中牵引着你和我。真想生气地说：我上辈子我欠了你多少啊！
31. With you, I believe in fate; with you, I believe in predestined relationships; perhaps all of this is being guided by some mysterious force between you and me. I really want to say angrily: How much do I owe you from my previous life!

32、说你是凤凰，我说你是乌鸦；你说你是玫瑰花，我说你是？]蛤蟆；你说你是活泼的小鹿，我说你是淘气的小猪！
32. If I say you are a phoenix, I say you are a crow; if you say you are a rose, I say you are a… toad; if you say you are a lively deer, I say you are a mischievous pig!

33、你好可爱——可怜没人爱；你长得真不错——长得这样真的不是你的错；你是天才——天生的蠢才；你很气质——小气又神经质。
33. You are so cute - pitiful that no one loves you; you look really good - it’s really not your fault to look like this; you are a genius - a naturally stupid person; you are very temperamental - stingy and neurotic.

34、清晨你轻轻地走近我的床前，深情地吻着我的脸，你那深遂的眼眸始终注视着我，实在无法拒绝你——“狗狗乖，带你去散步”。
34. In the early morning, you gently approached my bedside, kissing my face affectionately, your deep eyes always staring at me, I really couldn’t resist you - “Doggy, be good, let’s go for a walk.”

35、沐浴着微风，你潇洒轻松；沐浴着阳光，你玉树临风；你味道浓浓，鸡鸭鱼肉都需要你的调控，你是厨房里的英雄！我不能没有你，大葱！
35. Bathed in the breeze, you are relaxed and easy; bathed in the sunlight, you are elegant; your strong flavor, chicken, duck, and fish all need your control, you are the hero in the kitchen! I can’t live without you, green onion!

36、学语文就是为了发短信；学数学就是为了数钞票；学英语就是为了装洋气；学物理就是为了制造原子弹；学美术就是为了不用看二师兄的照片也能画得像你！
36. Learning Chinese is for sending text messages; learning math is for counting money; learning English is for pretending to be foreign; learning physics is for making atomic bombs; learning art is for drawing you without looking at the photos of the second brother!

37、听说那天你披了一个破麻袋，迈着怪怪的步伐；被当做小偷给抓起来了，还给你带上了狗牌？
37. I heard that one day you wore a tattered sack and walked with a strange gait; you were caught as a thief and given a dog tag?

38、你性感的小后背真的是让我想入非非。。。圆润、光滑，我真的好想上前。。。把你据为己有，可是不行呀！香喷喷的烤鸭，客人还没到齐，我也不能动筷呀！
38. Your sexy little back really makes me think about it… round and smooth, I really want to go forward… to make you mine, but I can’t! The delicious roast duck, the guests are not all here yet, I can’t start eating either!

39、公猪马上被杀，只听对主人苦苦哀求：杀我不要紧，只是求你们不要让我老婆看到，不要让她难过，不要打扰她，就让它在那里玩她的手机吧。
39. The boar is about to be killed, and he pleaded to the owner: It doesn’t matter if you kill me, just don’t let my wife see it, don’t make her sad, don’t disturb her, just let her play with her phone there.

40、实在有点想你了，很想和你一起见见面，就这样地看看你，可我真的又不想……我心里好乱—-每次看到你我都心里乱跳，精神病院检查结果出来了，你真的是脑残！
40. I really miss you a little, and I really want to meet you and just look at you, but I really don’t want to… my heart is so messy - every time I see you, my heart races, the mental hospital’s examination results are out, you are really mentally disabled!

41、我很希望能一定陪在你的身边，你睡得好吗？吃得饱吗？晚上会冷吗？我知道你总不会照顾自己。每次我一走开，你就会从猪栏里跳出来！
41. I really hope I can always be by your side. Do you sleep well? Are you well-fed? Do you feel cold at night? I know you never take care of yourself. Every time I leave, you jump out of the pigsty!

42、四只小猪地上坐，突然之间少一个。那个小猪在那里，原来在看短消息。
42. Four little pigs sit on the ground, and suddenly one is missing. Where is that little pig? It turns out it’s reading a text message.

43、你表现出色立了大功，组织决定嘉奖你。你脖子挂着奖章坐在桌边，面对丰盛的宴席你不为所动，我疑惑间，却见你飞身越起，扑向一物，仔细一看：一根骨头。
43. You performed exceptionally well and made a great contribution. The organization decided to reward you. You sit at the table with a medal around your neck, facing a sumptuous feast, unmoved. I am puzzled, but then I see you leap forward and pounce on something. Upon closer inspection, it’s a bone.

44、一直想见到你，却因事忙不能和你想见，今天终于有时间了。所以我特意来狗窝看看你。
44. I’ve always wanted to see you, but I’ve been too busy to meet with you. Today, I finally have some time, so I came to the doghouse to see you.

45、你是江南第八怪，不回家总在外，不喝酒老吃菜，不谈情老做爱，做爱经常套不带，常拿小姐当被盖，不给钱竟耍懒，经常让人拿脚踹。
45. You are the eighth weirdo in the south of the Yangtze River. You never go home and always stay outside. You eat vegetables instead of drinking alcohol, and you make love without talking about emotions. You often have sex without a condom, treat prostitutes like blankets, and refuse to pay, getting kicked by others. You really are something.

46、记得那天晚上，你梦到了自己拥有了一双梦寐以求的可以飞翔的翅膀，我就轻轻地扇动着翅膀然后轻轻地来到你的面前—-然后踢你一脚说：别做梦了，笨蛋！
46. I remember that night, you dreamed of having a pair of long-awaited wings to fly. I gently flapped my wings and came to you, then kicked you and said, “Stop dreaming, idiot!”

47、谢谢你春天陪我观百花，夏日伴我看夕阳，秋季陪我赏落叶，冬天伴我看雪景。如果没有你，再美的风景都是模糊的，真的谢谢你…眼镜！
47. Thank you for accompanying me to watch flowers in spring, enjoy the sunset in summer, admire the falling leaves in autumn, and watch the snow scenery in winter. Without you, even the most beautiful scenery would be blurred. I really appreciate you… glasses!

48、那个夏日的午后，我带你走进青纱帐。太阳高高地照着，微风撩起我的衣衫，我们一起度过了美好的下午：你低头吃草，我看小人书！
48. That summer afternoon, I took you into the green curtain. The sun was shining high, and a breeze lifted my clothes. We spent a wonderful afternoon together: you were grazing, and I was reading a comic book!

49、如果一定和猪比，我认为你最少有两点和它不同：一、你比它能吃。二、它比你聪明。
49. If you must compare yourself to a pig, I think you have at least two differences: 1) You can eat more than it. 2) It is smarter than you.

50、众水族给老龙王祝寿，席间龟丞相从怀中掏出一物，看了看，又放了回去。龙王忙问：龟丞相又有何事？虾兵蟹将赶紧答道：老王八又收到短信了。
50. All the sea creatures celebrated the birthday of the old Dragon King. During the banquet, the Turtle Prime Minister took out something from his pocket, looked at it, and put it back. The Dragon King hurriedly asked: “What’s the matter with the Turtle Prime Minister?” The shrimp soldiers and crab generals quickly replied: “The old turtle has received a text message again.”

51、你长得很有创意，活着是你的勇气，丑并非你的本意，如果没有了你，谁能衬托出世界的美丽！
51. You are very creative in appearance, and it takes courage to live. Ugliness is not your fault. Without you, who can set off the beauty of the world!

52、坦白说我很喜欢你，你的眼神，走路的姿势，快乐的神情，撒娇的可爱甚至你睡觉的样子，我都着迷！可最让我生气的是你不逮耗子，还老掉毛。
52. To be honest, I really like you, your eyes, the way you walk, your happy expression, your cuteness when being coquettish, and even the way you sleep. I am fascinated by all of it! But what makes me angry is that you don’t catch mice and always shed hair.

53、你真是个天才——天生的蠢才，毕业于哈佛——哈尔滨佛学院，长得也不错——长得这样真的不是你的错。
53. You are a genius - a natural fool, graduated from Harvard - Harbin Buddhist College, and you look good too - it’s really not your fault to look like this.

54、曾以为有更好的，反反复复才发觉，最好的就在身边，就像你。起初对你出现，并不为然，随着时间流逝，才发觉你是最好……欺负的！
54. I once thought there was something better, but after going through it again and again, I realized that the best is right beside me, just like you. At first, I didn’t care about your appearance, but as time went by, I found out that you are the best… to bully!

55、你天生脑袋带漩，脸黑五指不见，两片菜叶掩面，江湖飞壁走檐，闹得鸡飞狗唤，美女见了傻眼。自认丐帮老大，实住精神病院。
55. You are born with a swirl on your head, dark face with five fingers invisible, two pieces of vegetable leaves covering your face, and you roam the rivers and lakes, causing chaos everywhere. The chickens and dogs are in turmoil, and the beauties are stunned when they see you. You think you are the head of the beggars, but in reality, you live in a mental hospital.

56、师傅感冒了，念个经就好；大师兄感冒了，翻个筋斗就好；我感冒了，舞回铲就好；你感冒了，别出门才好。二师兄，你一感冒，全球发愁，真牛。
56. The master has a cold, and chanting a sutra will make it better; the eldest apprentice has a cold, and doing a somersault will make it better; I have a cold, and dancing with a shovel will make it better; if you have a cold, it’s better not to go out. Second apprentice, when you catch a cold, the whole world worries, you are really amazing.

57、你不苟言笑，却爱卖弄风骚；你嘴虽不甜，却讨人喜欢；你爱献殷勤，却无不轨之心；你天生还有看门的本领，看你瞪圆了双目，这块骨头赏给你了。
57. You are not talkative, but you love to show off; your mouth is not sweet, but you are likable; you like to be attentive, but you have no ulterior motives; you are born with the ability to guard the door. Look at you staring with your eyes wide open, here is a bone for you as a reward.

58、夜已很深，我从梦中醒来，在郊外的草地上，当你慢慢地向我靠近，我的心狂跳不止，这一切来得太突然，让我不知所措地大叫…老鼠！
58. It’s late at night, I wake up from my dream, on the grassland outside the suburbs. As you slowly approach me, my heart races uncontrollably. Everything comes so suddenly, leaving me at a loss and screaming… a mouse!

59、花果山被开发成旅游区，师父唐僧也和白骨精结婚了，没钱吃饭我把金箍棒也卖了，什么事都在发生。真怀念我们一起取经的日子，二师弟，你还好吗？
59. The Flower-Fruit Mountain has been developed into a tourist area, Master Tang Monk has married the White Bone Spirit, and I sold my golden cudgel because I had no money for food. Everything is happening. I really miss the days when we fetched the scriptures together, Second Brother, how are you?

60、早晨我吃不下饭，因为我想你，中午我吃不下饭，因为我更加想你，晚上我吃不下饭，因为我疯狂地想你，夜里我睡不着，因为…………我饿。
60. In the morning, I can’t eat because I miss you, at noon I can’t eat because I miss you even more, in the evening I can’t eat because I’m crazy about you, and at night I can’t sleep because… I’m hungry.

61、一种喜欢加上一种迷恋，汇成我对你火热的爱；生活的点滴日常琐碎，我都要紧紧把你依赖；不管风雨抑或坎坷，人生有你我就无所畏惧。真的需要你，钱！
61. A kind of liking plus a kind of infatuation, forming my fiery love for you; in the trivialities of daily life, I depend on you tightly; no matter wind and rain or ups and downs, with you in my life, I fear nothing. I really need you, money!

62、你总说我没出息，一棒子打不出两个屁，拉不出屎怨地球没引力，很是让你不满意，可是我也有情趣，来，赶紧把戒指戴上–K纯铁的！！！
62. You always say I’m good for nothing, can’t even make a sound when hit with a stick, and blame the Earth’s gravity when I can’t poop. You’re very dissatisfied with me, but I also have my charm. Come on, hurry up and put on the ring - it’s made of pure iron!

63、听说你最近变了，戒烟戒酒戒赌戒色，戒贪戒烦戒工作戒爱情，所以人们都叫你八戒。
63. I heard that you’ve changed recently, quit smoking, drinking, gambling, and lust, as well as greed, annoyance, work, and love. So people call you the Eight Precepts.

64、真不明白，为何每天晚上你总是尽量站在有光的地方，后来经人提醒我才明白，原来你是想当夜明猪呀！
64. I really don’t understand why you always try to stand in the light every night. Later, someone reminded me, and I finally understood that you wanted to be a night luminous pig!

65、温馨提醒：天气多变，小心穿衣！小雨是我想你，阵雨是心不移，刮风是送心意，阴天是很惦记，晴天是不分离，多云是有惊喜！如果下雪，那就是你没睡醒！
65. Warm reminder: The weather is changeable, be careful with your clothing! Light rain means I miss you, showers mean my heart is unchanging, wind sends my thoughts, overcast means I care, sunny means we’re inseparable, and cloudy means surprises! If it snows, then you haven’t woken up!

66、自打与你失去联系那天起，我就天天牵挂着你，到处寻找你的下落，也许你不知道我有多着急，但是，我依然不会放弃，因为——猪肉涨价了，你升值啦！
66. Since the day I lost contact with you, I’ve been worried about you every day, looking for your whereabouts. Maybe you don’t know how anxious I am, but I won’t give up because - pork prices have risen, and your value has increased!

67、昨天在网上看到你用的那个型号手机辐射特别大，吓了我一跳，刚要通知你，又看到说对智商小于的人不起作用，我才放心，你也别担心，继续用吧。
67. Yesterday, I saw online that the model of your phone has a particularly high radiation, which startled me. I was about to notify you, but then I saw that it has no effect on people with an IQ less than… I felt relieved, so don’t worry, keep using it.

68、今天我们一起去回忆童年吧，我们一起玩丢手绢，一起玩投沙包，我就不信了，用尽我全部的力量还不能把你的头变成蒙古包。
68. Let’s recall our childhood together today, playing “drop the handkerchief” and “throwing sandbags.” I don’t believe I can’t turn your head into a Mongolian yurt with all my strength!

69、新年到了，有四个字要对你说，虽然有一点不好意思，但这不是害羞的时候，不说出来，我会后悔莫及，所以我很真心地对你说，红包拿来！
69. The New Year is here, and there are four words I want to say to you. Although it’s a bit embarrassing, this is not the time to be shy. If I don’t say it, I’ll regret it, so I sincerely say to you, give me the red envelope!

70、你拽，你拽，最会是当别人不存在，整天就只会到处去晒，也不怕把别人都吓坏，别以为自己长得很帅，其实你只是天蓬元帅！
70. You’re so arrogant, always acting as if others don’t exist, and showing off everywhere. You’re not afraid of scaring people, don’t think you’re handsome, in fact, you’re just Marshal Tian Peng!

71、听说你手机没有短信功能，所以发这条短信试验。如你收到，证实有短信功能并是我的短信，请给我回复：我有了，是你的！
71. I heard that your phone doesn’t have messaging功能, so I’m sending this message to test. If you receive it, confirm that it has messaging功能and it’s from me, please reply: I have it, it’s yours!

72、人生至古谁无屎，有谁大便不用纸？若君不用卫生纸，莫非你是用手指！
72. Who has never pooped in history? Who doesn’t use toilet paper when pooping? If you don’t use toilet paper, are you using your fingers?!

73、是一阵风也罢了，偏偏是这样永恒；是一场梦也罢了，偏偏是如此真实；你低头不语，我却难以平静，终于禁不住要对你说：“放屁先说一声啊!”
73. It could have been just a gust of wind, but it’s so eternal; it could have been just a dream, but it’s so real. You keep silent, yet I can’t calm down. Finally, I have to say to you: “Say something when you pass gas!”

74、如果没有风，云不会动；如果没有水，鱼不能游；如果没有太阳，月亮就不会有光；如果没有你……笨人也就不存在了。
74. Without wind, clouds won’t move; without water, fish can’t swim; without the sun, the moon won’t shine; without you… there would be no fools.

75、听说今天太湖里跳出来一只癞蛤蟆被车轧死，我听了一直很担心，马上给你发短信，如果你还活着的话，请回复我！
75. I heard that a toad jumped out of Taihu Lake today and was run over by a car. I’ve been worried ever since, so I’m sending you a text message. If you’re still alive, please reply to me!

76、这段日子以来，我一直想对你说三个字，但又怕说了连普通朋友也做不成，可我控制不住，还是想说：借点钱！
76. Lately, I’ve been wanting to say three words to you, but I’m afraid that if I do, we won’t even be friends anymore. However, I can’t help it, I still want to say: lend me some money!

77、谢谢你春天陪我观百花，夏日伴我看夕阳，秋季陪我赏落叶，冬天伴我看雪景。如果没有你，再美的风景都是模糊的，真的谢谢你……眼镜！
77. Thank you for accompanying me to see the flowers in spring, the sunset in summer, the falling leaves in autumn, and the snow scenery in winter. Without you, even the most beautiful scenery would be blurry. I really appreciate you… my glasses!

78、你身材永远都是那么苗条，身手总是那么敏捷，生活总是很悠闲，整天都是游玩在名川大山间，你吃的食物都是纯天然无污染绿色食品，唉，当猴子真好！
78. Your figure is always so slim, your movements are always so agile, your life is always so leisurely, and you spend your days playing in famous mountains and rivers. The food you eat is all natural, pollution-free, and green. Ah, it’s great to be a monkey!

79、据说前阵子你向一女子告白，被骂：你算哪根葱啊！她实在太不懂欣赏了，只有我知道你跟别人是不一样的。因为你的理想是开出葱花，然后假冒水仙！
79. It is said that you confessed to a girl recently and were scolded: Who do you think you are! She really doesn’t know how to appreciate you. Only I know that you are different from others. Because your ideal is to grow scallions and then pretend to be a narcissus!

80、明天起，市府决定清除所有长相丑陋有损市容的弱智青年！你快收拾东西出去避风头，别说是我通知你的，切记！不用感谢。
80. Starting tomorrow, the city government has decided to eliminate all unattractive and city-shaming young people! Hurry up and pack your things to avoid the trouble. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, remember! You’re welcome.

81、手心痒吗？那代表我想念你的爱抚；嘴唇痒吗？那代表我想念你的热吻；身上痒吗……那代表你脏死了，还不快去洗澡！
81. Is your palm itching? That means I miss your touch; are your lips itching? That means I miss your passionate kisses; is your body itching… that means you’re dirty, go take a bath!

82、你长得真不够巧，鼻子好像老油条；眼睛好像红辣椒；眉毛好像两把刀；走起路来两边倒；好像螃蟹昏倒了。
82. You’re really not well-proportioned. Your nose looks like an old fried dough stick; your eyes look like red chili peppers; your eyebrows look like two knives; when you walk, you lean to both sides; it’s like a crab has fainted.

83、你又在工作吧？我不止一次的对你说不要这么玩命的工作，要注意身体。可你总是意味深长的说：不趁天暖多滚几个粪球，冬天我吃什么？
83. You’re working again, aren’t you? I’ve told you more than once not to work so hard and to take care of your health. But you always say meaningfully: If I don’t roll more dung balls while it’s warm, what will I eat in winter?

84、亲爱的，真对不起。自从昨晚我们浪漫一吻时，你从我嘴里舔出半截豆芽，我就牢记了饭后一定刷牙！
84. Dear, I’m really sorry. Ever since we had that romantic kiss last night and you licked half a bean sprout from my mouth, I’ve remembered to brush my teeth after meals!

85、有一只天鹅对耐葛宝说：你长得那丑，还想娶我！耐葛宝听了，不服气说：我还算好的，你看猪，比我还丑！正看短信的猪听了不服说：你说你的，咋扯上我呢。
85. A swan once said to Nigebao: You’re so ugly, and you still want to marry me! Nigebao, feeling wronged, said: I’m not that bad. Look at the pig; it’s even ugl than me! The pig reading this message felt wronged and said: I’m just talking about my own business, why involve me?

86、不知不觉地，我和你的感情已经非常深厚了。我也很清楚此时此刻你舍不得离开我，但是，如果你还不赶快的话就来不及了：打狗队已经出动了！
86. Unconsciously, my feelings for you have become very deep. I also know that you can’t bear to leave me at this moment, but if you don’t hurry, it will be too late: the dog-catching team has already set out!

87、一二三四五六七，妈妈带你去买糖吃，什么糖，奶糖，什么奶，牛奶，什么牛，水牛，什么水，清水，什么清，青蛙，什么挖，挖你的脑袋做西瓜！
87. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, mother takes you to buy candy. What candy? Milk candy. What milk? Cow milk. What cow? Buffalo. What water? Clear water. What clear? Frog. What dig? Dig your head to make a watermelon!

88、在人生的旅途上，你有时候看不到我在你身后，不是我把你遗忘，也不是让你一个人去走，而是我选择走在你的后面，当你不小心跌倒时，我就跑上去…踩两脚。
88. On the journey of life, sometimes you can’t see me behind you. It’s not that I’ve forgotten you, nor that I’m letting you walk alone. It’s just that I choose to walk behind you, so when you accidentally fall, I can run up and… step on you.

89、半夜三更，厕所无灯；你去解手，掉进茅坑；与蛆搏斗，与屎竞争；无人救你，壮烈牺牲；生得伟大，死得无声；为纪念你，厕所安灯！
89. In the middle of the night, the toilet has no lights; you go to relieve yourself and fall into the latrine; fighting with maggots, competing with feces; no one saves you, and you die a heroic death; born great, died silently; to commemorate you, a light is installed in the toilet!

90、听说你被拐卖，真的把我吓坏。好替那人担心，卖得掉你才怪！
90. I heard that you were kidnapped, which really scared me. I worry for the kidnapper; it would be strange if they could sell you!

91、时代真是进步了，发色越来越多了，眼睛也能变色了，指甲也能镶钻了，肚脐也能打孔了，笨笨也能看短信了，呵呵，愿你笑口常开，天天都有好心情。
91. Times have really progressed. There are more and more hair colors, eyes can change color, nails can be studded with diamonds, belly buttons can be pierced, and even dummies can read text messages. Hehe, may you always have a smile on your face and be in a good mood every day.

92、本信息为纯粹的骚扰信息!警告还没睡的快去睡!刚睡的翻个身继续睡!睡了很久的起来上个厕所接着睡!实在不想睡的和我一起拿起手机骚扰想睡的!
92. This message is purely a harassment message! A warning to those who haven’t slept yet: go to sleep! For those who just fell asleep: turn over and keep sleeping! For those who have slept for a long time: get up, go to the bathroom, and continue sleeping! If you really don’t want to sleep, join me in picking up our phones and harassing those who want to sleep!

93、如果感到无聊或者空虚的话，请拨打我的电话！谈感情请按1，谈工作请按2，谈人生请按3，给我介绍对象请按5，请我吃饭请直说，找我借钱请挂机。
93. If you feel bored or empty, please call me! For relationships, press 1; for work, press 2; for life, press 3; to introduce someone to me, press 5; to invite me for a meal, just say it; to borrow money from me, hang up.

94、爱你爱你爱死你，请个画匠来画你，把你画在被单上，日日夜夜抱着你。恨你恨你恨死你，请个画匠来刻你，把你刻在砧板上，千刀万刀剁死你！
94. I love you so much, I want to hire an artist to paint you, and put your picture on the bedsheet, holding you every day and night. I hate you so much, I want to hire an artist to engrave you, and put your engraving on the chopping board, chopping you into pieces!

95、收到此信息是粉嘟嘟猪。删除此信息是非洲小猪。回复此信息是野猪林野猪。不回复是卢旺达猪。储存是乌克兰大白猪。转发是本地小呆猪。嘿嘿`看你咋办?
95. Receiving this message makes you a pink pig. Deleting this message makes you an African piglet. Replying to this message makes you a wild boar. Not replying makes you a Rwandan pig. Saving it makes you a Ukrainian white pig. Forwarding it makes you a local little silly pig. Hehe, let’s see what you do?

96、沙和尚说：我有十八变，八戒说：我有三十六变，悟空说：我有七十二变。唐僧大怒：西去的路上也没见你们变个电话，你看人家妖怪还拿着手机看短信呢！
96. Sha Monk said: I have 18 transformations; Pigsy said: I have 36 transformations; Wukong said: I have 72 transformations. Tang Seng became furious: On the way to the West, I haven’t seen you guys change a phone, but look at the demons, they are even reading text messages on their phones!

97、我和你的友谊，丰富了我的感情：你哭的时候我也哭；你笑的时候我也笑；你从高楼跳出去，我也会毫不犹豫地探出头去大声喊：哇噻！不死才怪！
97. My friendship with you has enriched my emotions: when you cry, I cry too; when you laugh, I laugh too; when you jump out of a tall building, I will毫不犹豫地探出头去大声喊: Wow! It’s strange if you don’t die!

98、送你有屎以来，粪量最重的礼物，你一定会大吃一斤，如果不够，还请自便。
98. I send you the heaviest gift since the beginning of “poop” history. You will definitely be amazed by it. If it’s not enough, please help yourself.

99、神知道你口渴，创造了水；神知道你饿，创造了米；神知道你没有一个可爱的朋友，所以创造了我；然而神也知道这世上没有苯蛋，顺便创造了你。
99. God knew you were thirsty, so he created water; God knew you were hungry, so he created rice; God knew you didn’t have a lovely friend, so he created me; but God also knew there were no fools in this world, so he created you.

100、听说你在谈恋爱很有一手，很多美女都为你的浪漫而着迷，你的手段简直比奥斯卡的电影还经典，如果拍成电影的话，那简直就是活脱脱一部《美女与野兽》！
100. I heard that you are very skilled in love, and many beautiful women are fascinated by your romance. Your methods are even more classic than Oscar-winning movies. If they were made into a movie, it would be a perfect “Beauty and the Beast”!

1、真的对不起，我只是跟你随便说说，天冷了吃驴肉火锅肯定不错，没想到你会生气地对我怒吼：我哥怎么得罪你了，你要残忍地把他放入火锅，那可是我亲哥。
1. I’m really sorry, I just casually mentioned it to you. Eating donkey meat hot pot must be great in cold weather. I didn’t expect you to get angry and roar at me: How did my brother offend you, wanting to cruelly put him in the hot pot? He’s my own brother!

2、我是一棵孤独的树，千百年来矗立在路旁，寂寞的等待，只为有一天当你从我身边走过时，为你倾倒，砸不扁你就算白活了。
2. I am a lonely tree, standing by the roadside for thousands of years, waiting in loneliness, just to fall for you one day when you pass by, and it would be a waste of my life if I didn’t flatten you!

3、将这封短信转发次，你会走财运；转发次，你会走官运；转发次，你会走桃花运；转发次，你将花掉元钱！
3. Forward this message 100 times, and you will have good luck; forward it 1000 times, and you will have a successful career; forward it 10,000 times, and you will have a romantic encounter; forward it 100,000 times, and you will spend 100 yuan!

4、夏天夜晚，你轻盈地钻进我的蚊帐，抚摸我的臂膀，亲吻我的脸庞，我被你撩拨的全身痒痒。将灯拉亮，拉住你两条长腿，该死的蚊子！我让你去见阎王！
4. On a summer night, you gently sneak into my mosquito net, touch my arm, and kiss my face. You tease me until I’m itchy all over. I turn on the light, grab your two long legs, you damned mosquito! I’ll make you meet the king of hell!

5、我知道你喜欢我，但我真的不喜欢你，虽然你肚子里已经有了我的血肉，但还是请你不要再骚扰我了，否则我就对你不客气了，你个死蚊子！
5. I know you like me, but I really don’t like you. Although you already have my flesh and blood in your belly, please don’t harass me anymore, or I will be unkind to you, you dead mosquito!

6、有一种默契叫做心照不宣，有一种感觉叫做妙不可言，有一种思念叫做望眼欲穿，有一种白痴会把短信看完！
6. There is a kind of tacit understanding called unspoken, a feeling called indescribable, a longing called yearning, and a fool who reads the message to the end!

7、神知道你口渴，创造了水；神知道你饿，创造了米；神知道你没有一个可爱的朋友，所以创造了我；然而神也知道这世上没有苯蛋，顺便创造了你。
7. God knew you were thirsty, so he created water; God knew you were hungry, so he created rice; God knew you didn’t have a lovely friend, so he created me; but God also knew there were no fools in the world, so he created you.

8、实在有点想你了，很想和你一起见见面，就这样地看看你，可我真的又不想……我心里好乱—-每次看到你我都心里乱跳，精神病院检查结果出来了，你真的是脑残！
8. I really miss you and want to meet you, just to see you, but I really don’t want to… My heart is in turmoil every time I see you. The mental hospital’s examination results are out, and you are really mentally challenged!

9、我很希望能一定陪在你的身边，你睡得好吗？吃得饱吗？晚上会冷吗？我知道你总不会照顾自己。每次我一走开，你就会从猪栏里跳出来！
9. I hope I can always be by your side, do you sleep well? Are you full? Will you be cold at night? I know you never take care of yourself. Every time I leave, you jump out of the pigsty!

10、四只小猪地上坐，突然之间少一个。那个小猪在那里，原来在看短消息。
10. Four little pigs sitting on the ground, suddenly one is missing. Where is that little pig? It turns out he’s reading a message.

11、你真的想知道我喜欢你的哪一点吗？可是我真的不敢说出口，但是又不得不说出口。我就是喜欢你离我远一点。
11. Do you really want to know what I like about you? But I’m afraid to say it, yet I have to. I like it when you stay away from me.

12、阳光明媚，微风轻轻吹，杨柳多情地摇动着枝条，桃花吐着迷人的芳香，小溪在唱着欢快的歌儿，好一幅春天的画卷，我想说的是…好好工作，老板来啦！
12. The sun is shining, the breeze is gently blowing, the willows are swaying affectionately, the peach blossoms are exhaling a charming fragrance, and the stream is singing a cheerful song. What a beautiful spring scene! What I want to say is… focus on work, the boss is coming!

13、真是一件怪事？刚拨了一下你的手机，提示音回复：对方正在裸奔。怕听错了！又拨了过去，这时候提示音回复：对不起，所拨的用户已奔出地球。
13. It’s really strange! I just dialed your phone and the prompt replied: the recipient is running naked. Afraid I heard wrong, I dialed again, and this time the prompt replied: sorry, the user you dialed has run out of the Earth.

14、难以忘记把你捧着手心的感觉，难以忘记吻着你时的丝丝心动，难以忘记你的特有的味道，让我再狠命的吮吸你一下吧——香烟。
14. I can’t forget the feeling of holding you in my palm, the tingling heartbeat when kissing you, and your unique scent. Let me suck on you hard again - cigarette.

15、记得我那次真的狠下心了，扭头准备离开，身后传来了你无助的哭声与撕心裂肺的喊叫，突然之间我感觉到了我是多么地需要你。我一回身把你抱紧：“这头猪我真的不卖了！”
15. I remember that time when I really made up my mind to leave, turning my head and walking away. Behind me, I heard your helpless crying and heart-wrenching shouting. Suddenly, I realized how much I needed you. I turned around and hugged you tightly: “I won’t sell this pig!”

16、真希望和你一起去看海，却一直没有去；真希望和你去登山，却因茫然而没有去；真希望和你一起去流浪，结果碰到了警察，说：逛街不许带狗！
16. I’ve always wanted to see the sea with you, but never went; I’ve always wanted to climb mountains with you, but never went due to confusion; I’ve always wanted to wander with you, but ended up encountering the police, who said: “No dogs allowed when walking!”

17、听说你在谈恋爱很有一手，很多美女都为你的浪漫而着迷，你的手段简直比奥斯卡的电影还经典，如果拍成电影的话，那简直就是活脱脱一部《美女与野兽》！
17. I heard that you are very skilled in love, and many beautiful women are fascinated by your romance. Your tactics are even more classic than Oscar-winning movies. If made into a movie, it would be a perfect “Beauty and the Beast”!

18、大雪分飞风怒吼，你独自一人屋檐走。行人冻的瑟瑟抖，忽听一声”抓小偷，一不小心失了手，被人抓住打烂头。我愿天工重抖擞，让看信息的变小狗。
18. Heavy snow and furious winds, you walk alone under the eaves. Pedestrians shiver from the cold, suddenly hearing a shout “Catch the thief!” You accidentally miss your grip and get caught, beaten, and your head is smashed. I wish the heavens would shake again, turning the person reading this message into a little dog.

19、我一直想对你说三个字，可你知道它的份量，我怕一旦说出咱们连朋友都没得做。可我控制不住感情鼓起勇气对你说：你是猪。
19. I’ve always wanted to say three words to you, but you know their weight. I’m afraid that once I say it, we won’t be friends anymore. But I can’t control my emotions and muster the courage to tell you: You are a pig.

20、夏日周末，酷暑炎热，骄阳似火，我很想你。一想你就浑身燥热，一燥热就特别想和你见面，一见面我就迫不及待地想扑进你的怀里…我亲爱的游泳池！
20. On a summer weekend, the scorching heat, the sun like a raging fire, I miss you so much. Thinking of you makes me feel hot all over, and when I feel hot, I especially want to meet you. When we meet, I can’t wait to jump into your arms… my dear swimming pool!

21、请先摸摸你那红嫩的小脸，再摸摸你的小肚子！好！这次养猪知识讲座到此结束，明天见！
21. Please first touch your rosy little face, then touch your belly! Alright! This pig-raising knowledge lecture ends here, see you tomorrow!

22、学语文就是为了发短信；学数学就是为了数钞票；学英语就是为了装洋气；学物理就是为了制造原子弹；学美术就是为了不用看二师兄的照片也能画得像你！
22. Learning Chinese is just for sending text messages; learning math is just for counting money; learning English is just for showing off; learning physics is just for making atomic bombs; learning art is just for being able to draw you without looking at a photo of you!

23、夜已深，独自走在小巷，突然觉得好孤独，好寂寞，好害怕，我心中急切地想着你，念着你，盼着你，要是你在我身边该多好啊，我真的很需要你——手电筒！
23. It’s late at night, walking alone in the alley, suddenly feeling so lonely, so lonely, so scared, I desperately think of you, miss you, and wish for you. If only you were by my side, I really need you - flashlight!

24、自从我第一次看见你时，就已经深深地被你吸引住了，你的那行为举止，让我忍不住实在想多看你两眼，现在我实在憋不住了，想对你说：你简直就是一只会两条腿走路的小狗。
24. Since the first time I saw you, I was deeply attracted to you. Your behavior and demeanor made me unable to help but want to look at you more. Now I can’t hold it in anymore, I want to tell you: you are just a little dog that can walk on two legs!

25、最近流行老鼠爱大米，让我不禁想起你。你柔若无骨的嫩肌肤，你弱不禁风的小身体，真是让我提心又吊胆：该死的米虫！可别来祸害我家的米！
25. Recently, it’s popular for mice to love rice, which reminds me of you. Your tender and delicate skin, your frail little body, really make me worried: damn rice worm! Don’t come to harm my family’s rice!

26、今夜的月光真的很美很美，真想与你一起漫步在大街上，我好喜欢和你一起肩并肩的走着的感觉……只是，我害怕别人用异样的眼光看我，毕竟晚上带头猪上街，很容易被人注意的！
26. Tonight’s moonlight is really beautiful, and I really want to walk with you on the street. I like the feeling of walking side by side with you… but I’m afraid others will look at me strangely, after all, taking a pig out on the street at night is quite noticeable!

27、在我的眼里，你一直无忧无虑，吃饭是那么香那么甜，睡觉时都那么舒坦。有时候感觉：真羡慕你这样的小狗生活！
27. In my eyes, you have always been carefree, eating so deliciously and sweetly, and sleeping so comfortably. Sometimes I feel: I really envy your little dog life!

28、你长的很有创意，活着是你的勇气，丑不是你的本意，是上帝发了脾气，活下去，没有你，谁来衬托世界的美丽！
28. You have a unique appearance, and living is your courage. Ugliness is not your fault, it’s just that God got angry. Keep living, without you, who would highlight the beauty of the world!

29、你与我静静地走在家乡的小路上，你害羞地低头不语。乡亲们见了我都说：好孩子，打扮得干净又漂亮，可惜这么小年纪就出来放猪！
29. You and I walk quietly on our hometown’s path, you shyly bowing your head and not speaking. The villagers see me and say: “What a good child, so clean and pretty, it’s a pity that you’re out herding pigs at such a young age!”

30、雨下的断断续续，引起我无限的思绪，说白了就是想你！等到风和日丽，我还带你去那片绿草地，但事先我和你约定：只准吃草不准拱地！
30. The rain falls intermittently, stirring up my endless thoughts, to be honest, I miss you! When the weather is fine, I will take you to that green meadow again, but first, I make a deal with you: only eat grass and don’t dig up the ground!

31、今天天是你生日，你的朋友为你点了一首动力火车“当”，请拿你的手机在地板上狠狠的敲一下，好，点歌完毕。
31. Today is your birthday, and your friend has ordered a song for you, “Dang” by Power Station. Please knock your phone on the floor hard, okay, the song is ordered.

32、据说前阵子你向一女子告白，被骂：你算哪根葱啊！她实在太不懂欣赏了，只有我知道你跟别人是不一样的。因为你的理想是开出葱花，然后假冒水仙！
32. It is said that you confessed to a girl not long ago, and she scolded you: “Who do you think you are?” She really doesn’t know how to appreciate, only I know that you are different from others. Because your ideal is to grow scallions and then pretend to be a narcissus!

33、明天起，市府决定清除所有长相丑陋有损市容的弱智青年！你快收拾东西出去避风头，别说是我通知你的，切记！不用感谢。
33. Starting tomorrow, the city government has decided to clear all ugly and unattractive young people who damage the city’s appearance! Hurry up and pack your things to avoid the trouble, don’t say I didn’t tell you, remember! No need to thank me.

34、收到此信息是粉嘟嘟猪。删除此信息是非洲小猪。回复此信息是野猪林野猪。不回复是卢旺达猪。储存是乌克兰大白猪。转发是本地小呆猪。嘿嘿`看你咋办?
34. If you receive this message, you are a pink pig. If you delete this message, you are an African pig. If you reply to this message, you are a wild boar from the forest. If you don’t reply, you are a Rwandan pig. If you save it, you are a Ukrainian white pig. If you forward it, you are a local little呆pig. Hehe, what will you do?

35、沙和尚说：我有十八变，八戒说：我有三十六变，悟空说：我有七十二变。唐僧大怒：西去的路上也没见你们变个电话，你看人家妖怪还拿着手机看短信呢！
35. Sha Monk says: “I have 18 transformations,” Pigsy says: “I have 36 transformations,” Wukong says: “I have 72 transformations.” Tang Seng gets angry: “On the way to the West, I haven’t seen you guys change a phone, look at the monsters, they are still using mobile phones to read messages!”

36、明天你醒来，枕边躺着一只蚊子，旁边留有遗书：我奋斗了一夜也没能刺破你的脸，你的脸皮厚得让我无颜活在世上，主啊！请原谅他，我是自杀的！
36. Tomorrow when you wake up, there will be a mosquito lying next to your pillow, with a suicide note: “I struggled all night and couldn’t pierce your face. Your thick skin makes me ashamed to live in this world. Lord, please forgive him, I committed suicide!”

37、上帝看到人口渴所以创造了水，看到世界的黑暗所以创造了火，上帝知道我需要一个朋友，所以你出现了，于是上帝失去一个装饭的桶！
37. God saw that man was thirsty, so he created water; he saw the darkness of the world, so he created fire. God knew I needed a friend, so you appeared, and thus God lost a bucket for holding rice!

38、今天晚上有流星雨，听说到时候会有一只猪从天上飞过，可惜我要睡觉，你就好了，有那么多人看你飞！
38. Tonight there will be a meteor shower, and it is said that a pig will fly across the sky. Unfortunately, I have to sleep, but you’re lucky, with so many people watching you fly!

39、耳朵痒吗？那代表我在想你，眼睛痒吗？那代表我想见你，嘴痒吗？那代表我想吻你，身体痒吗？那代表……别瞎想了，都快长虱子了，赶快洗澡去吧！
39. Is your ear itching? That means I’m thinking of you. Is your eye itching? That means I want to see you. Is your mouth itching? That means I want to kiss you. Is your body itching? That means… Stop daydreaming, you’re probably getting lice! Hurry up and take a bath!

40、有一天我对你说：你是猪！你却对我说：我是猪才怪！从此以后我就叫你猪才怪！那天你实在忍不住了，对着众人就喊：我不是猪才怪！
40. One day I said to you: You are a pig! But you replied: I’m not a pig, strange! Since then, I’ve called you “Pig Strange.” One day, you couldn’t bear it anymore and shouted to everyone: I’m not Pig Strange!

41、春秋战国时期，你统领三军，头戴锅盖，身披麻袋，腰系塑料袋，手拿蛋黄派，脚踏两棵白菜，号称东方不败，冲锋陷阵大喊：谁有破烂要卖?
41. During the Spring and Autumn and Warring States periods, you led the three armies, wearing a pot on your head, a sack on your body, a plastic bag around your waist, holding a custard pie, and standing on two cabbages. You were known as the invincible Eastern warrior, charging into battle and shouting: Who has any trash to sell?

42、这次发信息，主要有三个目的：一是联络感情；二是打发时间；三是我很负责任地告诉你：夏天到了，送句很有技术含量的话：天气热了，记得把开裆裤换上。
42. The main purpose of this message is threefold: to maintain our relationship, to pass the time, and to responsibly inform you: summer is here, remember to change into your open-crotch pants.

43、你和我在两小无猜的儿时就开始在一起玩了，我会唱200支歌，而你会跳200支舞，我们也经常一起表演，所以人们就叫我二百哥，叫你二百舞！
43. You and I have been playing together since our innocent childhood. I can sing 200 songs, and you can dance 200 dances. We often perform together, so people call me “Two Hundred Songs” and you “Two Hundred Dances.”

44、大家注意了，智力大比拼：选手是象，猪和你。比赛结果已经出来了：第一是象要比猪强，你要比象强。最后的排名是：你象猪。好的，来点掌声！
44. Attention everyone, it’s time for an intelligence contest: the competitors are an elephant, a pig, and you. The results are in: first place goes to the elephant, stronger than the pig, and you are stronger than the elephant. The final ranking is: You Elephant Pig. Good job, let’s give them a round of applause!

45、有了你以后，我相信命运的安排；有了你以后，我相信缘份的注定；可能这所有一切都是在冥冥之中牵引着你和我。真想生气地说：我上辈子我欠了你多少啊！
45. Since I met you, I believe in fate; since I met you, I believe in predestined relationships. Perhaps all of this is meant to bring us together. I really want to say angrily: How much do I owe you from my previous life?

46、你好可爱——可怜没人爱；你长得真不错——长得这样真的不是你的错；你是天才——天生的蠢才；你很气质——小气又神经质。
46. You are so cute - pitiful that no one loves you; you look really good - it’s not your fault to look like this; you are a genius - a naturally born fool; you are very temperamental - stingy and neurotic.

47、天空飘着小雨丝似在嘲笑我的痴，为何你那样自私狠心让我空相思，搅尽脑汁写诗满腹心酸有谁知，只见猪头和白痴盯着手机读此诗。
47. The sky is filled with light rain, mocking my foolishness. Why are you so selfish and heartless, leaving me longing in vain? I rack my brain to write this poem, who knows my heartache? All I see are pig heads and idiots staring at their phones, reading this poem.

48、如果没有花的陪伴，春天就会孤单；如果没有四季的变换，生活就会平淡；如果没有我的阻拦，你已皮开肉绽；如果没有你的美艳，我顿顿素菜相伴！猪你节日快乐！
48. Without the company of flowers, spring would be lonely; without the changing seasons, life would be dull; without my interference, you would be bruised and battered; without your beauty, I would eat vegetarian dishes every meal! Pig, have a happy holiday!

49、你知道吗？我正急着到处去找你，有条惊人的好消息要告诉你：你妈拜托我件事，让我给你存了几个亿，借空亲自捎给你！那天抱钱去找你，见你睡得很甜蜜，真不忍心叫醒你！一窝小猪崽就属你最美丽！哈！猪你节日快乐！
49. You know what? I’m rushing around looking for you, with an amazing piece of good news to tell you: Your mom asked me to do something and let me save a few hundred million for you. When I went to give you the money, I saw you sleeping so sweetly, I really couldn’t bear to wake you up! Among the litter of piglets, you are the most beautiful! Ha! Pig, have a happy holiday!

50、新年到了，有四个字要对你说，虽然有一点不好意思，但这不是害羞的时候，不说出来，我会后悔莫及，所以我很真心地对你说，红包拿来！
50. The New Year is here, and there are four words I want to say to you. Although it’s a bit embarrassing, this is not the time to be shy. If I don’t say it, I’ll regret it, so I sincerely say to you: Give me the red envelope!

51、你拽，你拽，最会是当别人不存在，整天就只会到处去晒，也不怕把别人都吓坏，别以为自己长得很帅，其实你只是天蓬元帅！
51. You’re so cool, you’re so cool, best at pretending others don’t exist. All you do is show off everywhere, not afraid to scare everyone away. Don’t think you’re handsome, you’re just Marshal Tian Peng!

52、坦白说我很喜欢你，你的眼神，走路的姿势，快乐的神情，撒娇的可爱甚至你睡觉的样子，我都着迷！可最让我生气的是你不逮耗子，还老掉毛。
52. To be honest, I really like you, your eyes, the way you walk, your happy expression, your cuteness when being spoiled, and even the way you sleep. I’m fascinated by all of it! But what makes me most angry is that you don’t catch mice and you always shed hair.

53、你真是个天才——天生的蠢才，毕业于哈佛——哈尔滨佛学院，长得也不错——长得这样真的不是你的错。
53. You are a genius - a naturally stupid one, graduated from Harvard - Harbin Buddhist College, and you look good too - it’s really not your fault for looking like this.

54、曾以为有更好的，反反复复才发觉，最好的就在身边，就像你。起初对你出现，并不为然，随着时间流逝，才发觉你是最好……欺负的！
54. I once thought there was someone better, but after going through it all, I realized that the best one was right beside me, just like you. At first, I didn’t care about your presence, but as time went by, I found out you were the best… to bully!

55、清晨你轻轻地走近我的床前，深情地吻着我的脸，你那深遂的眼眸始终注视着我，实在无法拒绝你——“狗狗乖，带你去散步”。
55. In the early morning, you gently approached my bedside, kissing my face affectionately, gazing at me with your deep eyes, and I couldn’t resist you - “Good dog, let’s go for a walk.”

56、记得那天晚上，你梦到了自己拥有了一双梦寐以求的可以飞翔的翅膀，我就轻轻地扇动着翅膀然后轻轻地来到你的面前—-然后踢你一脚说：别做梦了，笨蛋！
56. I remember that night, you dreamed of having a pair of wings you’ve always wanted to fly, and I gently flapped them and came to you - then kicked you, saying: “Stop dreaming, idiot!”

57、一种喜欢加上一种迷恋，汇成我对你火热的爱；生活的点滴日常琐碎，我都要紧紧把你依赖；不管风雨抑或坎坷，人生有你我就无所畏惧。真的需要你，钱！
57. A kind of liking mixed with a kind of infatuation forms my fiery love for you; in the trivialities of daily life, I rely on you tightly; no matter the hardships or setbacks, with you in my life, I fear nothing. I really need you, money!

58、你总说我没出息，一棒子打不出两个屁，拉不出屎怨地球没引力，很是让你不满意，可是我也有情趣，来，赶紧把戒指戴上–K纯铁的！！！
58. You always say I’m hopeless, can’t even make a sound when hit with a stick, and blame the Earth’s gravity when I can’t poop. You’re very dissatisfied with me, but I also have a sense of humor. Come on, hurry up and put on the ring - it’s made of K pure iron!

59、听说你最近变了，戒烟戒酒戒赌戒色，戒贪戒烦戒工作戒爱情，所以人们都叫你八戒。
59. I heard that you’ve changed recently, quit smoking, drinking, gambling, and lust, and given up greed, annoyance, work, and love. So people call you “Ba Jie” (Eight Precepts).

60、自打与你失去联系那天起，我就天天牵挂着你，到处寻找你的下落，也许你不知道我有多着急，但是，我依然不会放弃，因为——猪肉涨价了，你升值啦！
60. Since the day I lost contact with you, I’ve been worried about you every day, searching for your whereabouts. Maybe you don’t know how anxious I am, but I won’t give up, because - pork prices have risen, and your value has increased too!

61、昨天在网上看到你用的那个型号手机辐射特别大，吓了我一跳，刚要通知你，又看到说对智商小于的人不起作用，我才放心，你也别担心，继续用吧。
61. Yesterday, I saw online that the model of your phone has a particularly high radiation, which scared me. I was about to inform you, but then I saw that it doesn’t affect people with an IQ less than 100. I felt relieved, so don’t worry, keep using it.

62、癞蛤蟆追求天鹅，天鹅不屑地说：我要是你长成这样早就去死了！蛤蟆不服：那猪还活得好好的呢？猪听了，觉得委屈：我招谁惹谁了，我只是在看短信！
62. The toad pursues the swan, but the swan disdainfully says: “If I looked like you, I would have killed myself already!” The toad disagrees: “But the pig is still living well?” The pig feels wronged: “What did I do? I was just reading a text message!”

63、有一种思念叫魂牵梦绕，有一种爱情叫白头到老，有一种美丽叫花容月貌，有一种约定叫天荒地老，有一种问候叫小猪你好！
63. There is a kind of longing called “pining,” a kind of love called “growing old together,” a kind of beauty called “stunning,” a kind of promise called “forever,” and a kind of greeting called “little pig, hello!”

64、我决心为全国人民做件大事：给珠穆朗玛峰修电梯给长城贴瓷砖给飞机安倒档；做件小事：给苍蝇戴手套给蚊子戴口罩给你喂点猪饲料。
64. I’m determined to do something great for the people: install an elevator on Mount Everest, tile the Great Wall, and install a reverse gear on airplanes; and something small: put gloves on flies, masks on mosquitoes, and feed you some pig feed.

65、如果没有风，云不会动；如果没有水，鱼不能游；如果没有太阳，月亮就不会有光；如果没有你……笨人也就不存在了。
65. Without wind, clouds won’t move; without water, fish can’t swim; without the sun, the moon won’t shine; without you… there would be no fools.

66、你勤劳得像蜜蜂，漂亮得像蝴蝶，忠诚得像小狗，乖巧得像小猫，憨厚得像老牛，威猛得像老虎，怪不得别人都叫你……禽兽!
66. You are as hardworking as a bee, beautiful as a butterfly, loyal as a dog, cute as a kitten, honest as an ox, and fierce as a tiger. No wonder everyone calls you… an animal!

67、昨夜朋友思无数，想来想去，唯有你最酷，梦里寻你千百度，募染回首，你确扔被栓在人家驴棚深处，残酷！残酷！读完信息息怒！
67. Last night, I thought of countless friends, and after thinking it over, I found that you were the coolest. I searched for you thousands of times in my dreams, only to find you tied up in someone else’s donkey shed. Cruel! Cruel! Don’t be angry after reading the message!

68、你的国语标准么？请跟我一起念：万万望望，望旺万旺，万腕忘忘，万旺万旺。好了，狗狗别叫了，吃骨头啰！
68. Your Mandarin is standard, right? Please chant with me: Wan Wan Wang Wang, Wang Wang Wan Wang, Wan Wan Wang Wang, Wan Wang Wan Wang. Alright, stop barking, doggie, it’s time for a bone!

69、日复一日单调忙碌的生活，有时会让人忘了自己的存在，这时，你只需拿一把榔头在大拇指上轻轻一砸，便可轻而易举地找回你自己。
69. The monotonous and busy daily life sometimes makes people forget their own existence. In this case, you just need to gently hit your thumb with a hammer, and you will easily find yourself again.

70、你不苟言笑，却爱卖弄风骚；你嘴虽不甜，却讨人喜欢；你爱献殷勤，却无不轨之心；你天生还有看门的本领，看你瞪圆了双目，这块骨头赏给你了。
70. You don’t joke around, but you love to show off your charm; your mouth is not sweet, but you are likable; you like to be attentive, but you have no ulterior motives; you are naturally good at guarding, looking at your wide-open eyes, here’s a bone for you.

71、夜已很深，我从梦中醒来，在郊外的草地上，当你慢慢地向我靠近，我的心狂跳不止，这一切来得太突然，让我不知所措地大叫…老鼠！
71. It’s late at night, and I wake up from my dream on the grassland in the suburbs. As you slowly approach me, my heart races uncontrollably. Everything comes so suddenly, and I can’t help but scream… a mouse!

72、花果山被开发成旅游区，师父唐僧也和白骨精结婚了，没钱吃饭我把金箍棒也卖了，什么事都在发生。真怀念我们一起取经的日子，二师弟，你还好吗？
72. The Flower-Fruit Mountain has been developed into a tourist area, Master Tang Monk has married the White Bone Spirit, and I sold my golden cudgel because I had no money for food. Everything is happening. I really miss the days when we were on the journey together, Second Brother, how are you?

73、你有一颗善良的心，你会大公无私地帮助这个世界上每一个需要帮助的人，大家都说你是天上降临人间专门帮助别人的天使，可惜的是，脸先着地了！
73. You have a kind heart, and you selflessly help everyone in the world who needs help. Everyone says you are an angel sent from heaven to help others. Unfortunately, your face hit the ground first!

74、一天一只螳螂对着一只蚂蚁炫耀说：你看我有两把刀多么帅气。蚂蚁正要说话，这时过来一只鸡一口就吃掉了螳螂，蚂蚁见到，摇摇头说：不知道现在正严打吗？还敢拿着个刀在街上乱跑。
74. One day, a mantis showed off to an ant, saying, “Look at my two swords, how handsome I am!” The ant was about to speak when a chicken came over and ate the mantis. The ant shook its head and said, “Don’t you know there’s a crackdown going on? How dare you run around with a sword in the street?”

75、你以为你躲起来，我就找不到你了吗？没用的，不管在什么地方，你身上总有一种吸引别人注意的气场，你也不是不知道，这么久不洗澡，那味儿会很大的！
75. You think that if you hide, I won’t be able to find you? It’s useless. No matter where you are, you always have an aura that attracts people’s attention. You know it too, not taking a bath for so long, that smell will be strong!

76、你一直想穿越回到古代当皇上，终于有一个高人施法术帮你穿越回去了，你那个高兴啊，你拿镜子一照，妈啊，高人法术太厉害了吧，回到人猿时代了！
76. You always wanted to travel back in time to ancient times and become an emperor. Finally, a master cast a spell to help you travel back, and you were so happy. You looked in the mirror and saw yourself, “Oh my God, the master’s spell is too powerful! I’ve gone back to the Age of Apes!”

77、看了牛郎织女的故事后，我才知道什么叫–爱情；看了桃园三结义的故事后，我才知道什么叫–兄弟；看了你和猩猩的合照后，我才知道什么叫–绝配！
77. After reading the story of the Cowherd and the Weaver Girl, I understood what love is; after reading the story of the Peach Garden Oath, I understood what brotherhood is; after seeing your photo with the gorilla, I understood what a perfect match is!

78、看到那么多人喜欢你，我也暗暗地给自己鼓劲，一定要尝试着去追求你，当我走近你的那一刹那，闻着身上所发出的气息，我终于忍不住吐了…臭豆腐！
78. Seeing so many people like you, I secretly encouraged myself to try to pursue you. When I walked closer to you and smelled the scent coming from your body, I couldn’t help but vomit… stinky tofu!

79、特别消息：手机耐力大赛，从即时开始，交换机将自动启动计时，并连续报告天气预告，连续保持开机状态时间最长的用户将获得免费通话时间分钟。
79. Special news: Mobile phone endurance competition starts now. The exchange machine will automatically start timing and continuously report the weather forecast. The user who keeps their phone on for the longest time will receive free call minutes.

80、亲爱的用户，由于您确认此条短信，所以传染愚人节细菌。请仔细看掌心，如果有黑点，说明你已经被细菌感染，需要用汽油冲洗方可杀灭细菌。切记切记！
80. Dear user, since you have confirmed this message, you have been infected with April Fool’s bacteria. Please look closely at your palm; if there is a black spot, it means you have been infected by the bacteria and need to wash it off with gasoline to kill the bacteria. Remember, remember!

81、风撩起你的长发，你显得更潇洒！浪花拍打你的脚丫，你显得更无暇！你迎着东方的朝霞，就像一朵海浪花！不是熟人很难看出你是傻瓜！
81. The wind lifts your long hair, making you look more dashing! The waves splash your feet, making you look more flawless! You face the morning sun in the east, just like a sea spray! It’s hard for strangers to tell that you are a fool!

82、早晨我吃不下饭，因为我想你，中午我吃不下饭，因为我更加想你，晚上我吃不下饭，因为我疯狂地想你，夜里我睡不着，因为…………我饿。
82. In the morning, I can’t eat because I miss you; at noon, I can’t eat because I miss you even more; in the evening, I can’t eat because I’m crazy about you; at night, I can’t sleep because… I’m hungry.

83、是一阵风也罢了，偏偏是这样永恒；是一场梦也罢了，偏偏是如此真实；你低头不语，我却难以平静，终于禁不住要对你说：“放屁先说一声啊!”
83. If it were just a gust of wind, it would be fine, but it’s eternal; if it were just a dream, it would be fine, but it’s so real; you keep silent, yet I can’t calm down, and finally, I have to tell you: “Say something if you’re going to pass gas!”

84、如果没有风，云不会动；如果没有水，鱼不能游；如果没有太阳，月亮就不会有光；如果没有你……笨人也就不存在了。
84. Without wind, clouds won’t move; without water, fish can’t swim; without the sun, the moon won’t shine; without you… there would be no fools.

85、据说猫咪每天睡十个小时，自己玩四个小时，独自发呆四个小时，被人逗四个小时，吃喝一个小时，最后一个小时用来看短信。不信啊？你看猫咪又在看短信。
85. It is said that cats sleep for ten hours a day, play by themselves for four hours, ponder alone for four hours, be teased by people for four hours, eat and drink for one hour, and finally, spend the last hour reading messages. Don’t believe it? Look, the cat is reading messages again.

86、有个人对我说，你除了吃什么也不会，我把他狠狠地揍了一顿，居然这么诋毁你，别人我不知道，你我还不知道吗？除了吃，你至少还会睡觉、奔跑和拉磨！
86. Someone told me that you can do nothing but eat. I beat him up fiercely, how dare he slander you like that? I may not know others, but I know you. Besides eating, you can at least sleep, run, and grind!

87、你在我心目中，就像“好多鱼”一样。你知道，我最喜欢好多鱼了，它不仅味道好，而且更是因为你—-真的“好多余”！哈，玩笑啦，想你啦，回电哦！
87. In my heart, you are like “so many fish.” You know, I love so many fish the most, not only because of its great taste but also because of you - you are really “superfluous”! Ha, just kidding, I miss you, call me back!

88、我仿佛看到你快乐地扑向我，把头扎在我怀里……真的！我太幸福了。不就准备送你个生日蛋糕嘛！你就这么高兴？还汪汪叫着对我摇尾巴。
88. I seem to see you happily rushing towards me, burying your head in my arms… really! I’m so happy. Just preparing to give you a birthday cake! Are you that excited? You even wag your tail and bark at me.

89、看着万里无云的天空，听着小溪哗啦哗啦的流水声，身边的小草随风轻轻地摇摆着，大自然是多么美好啊，可惜空气被你刚才放的一个屁给污染了！
89. Looking at the cloudless sky, listening to the gurgling sound of the stream, the grass around me sways gently in the wind. Nature is so beautiful, but the air has been polluted by the fart you just let out!

90、看着你一天比一天消瘦的身躯，我难受得吃不下睡不着，我求求你了，别再瘦下去了，如果你再继续这样瘦下去的话，别人会以为我…我给你喂瘦肉精呢！
90. Seeing you getting thinner day by day, I feel so upset that I can’t eat or sleep. I beg you, don’t get any thinner. If you continue to lose weight like this, people will think I… have been feeding you lean meat!

91、哥们，我昨天去看演出，发现有一个演员跟你长得一模一样，我就问工作人员：长得像我哥们那个演员是谁啊？工作人员说：那个是…从非洲买来的猩猩。
91. Buddy, I went to a show yesterday and saw an actor who looked just like you. I asked the staff: Who is the actor who looks like my buddy? The staff said: That’s… the gorilla bought from Africa.

92、寻猪启事：本人丢失纯种小白猪一只。特征：聪明伶俐，善解人意，身上带一部手机并在查阅短信，爱猪看过信息后，速给主人回信息！主人现在好想你！
92. Lost pig notice: I have lost a purebred little white pig. Features: intelligent and understanding, carries a mobile phone and reads messages, loves pigs to reply to the owner after reading the message. The owner misses you now!

93、这段日子以来，我一直想对你说三个字，但又怕说了连普通朋友也做不成，可我控制不住，还是想说：借点钱！
93. I’ve been wanting to say three words to you these days, but I’m afraid that if I say them, we won’t even be friends anymore. But I can’t help it, I still want to say: Lend me some money!

94、谢谢你春天陪我观百花，夏日伴我看夕阳，秋季陪我赏落叶，冬天伴我看雪景。如果没有你，再美的风景都是模糊的，真的谢谢你……眼镜！
94. Thank you for accompanying me to watch flowers in spring, enjoy the sunset in summer, admire the falling leaves in autumn, and watch the snow scenery in winter. Without you, the most beautiful scenery would be blurred. I really appreciate you… glasses!

95、你身材永远都是那么苗条，身手总是那么敏捷，生活总是很悠闲，整天都是游玩在名川大山间，你吃的食物都是纯天然无污染绿色食品，唉，当猴子真好！
95. You always have such a slim figure, agile skills, and a leisurely life, spending your days wandering in famous mountains and rivers, eating pure, pollution-free, green food. Sigh, being a monkey is great!

96、你是我心中的太阳，可惜下雨了；你是我梦中的月亮，可惜云遮住了；你是我心中最美的花朵，可惜开过了；你是天上的嫦娥降临人间，可惜脸先着地了！
96. You are the sun in my heart, but it’s raining; you are the moon in my dreams, but the clouds cover it; you are the most beautiful flower in my heart, but it has bloomed; you are the fairy Chang’e descending to the world, but your face hit the ground first!

97、那天你参加球赛，只见你一记凌空抽射，守门员还没反应过来，球进了！我们都为你鼓掌欢呼，你爬起来，拍拍屁股说：妈的，地太滑了！
97. That day you participated in a soccer game, and with one swift kick, the goalkeeper didn’t even have time to react before the ball went in! We all applauded and cheered for you. You got up, patted your behind, and said, “Damn, the ground is too slippery!”

98、你到云南西双版纳旅游，途中遇到一群野猪围攻，旅客均掏出食品，金钱，野猪不为所动，你掏出仅有的身份证，群猪跪而痛哭道：老大，我们可找到你了！
98. While traveling in Xishuangbanna, Yunnan, you encountered a group of wild boars attacking. The tourists took out food and money, but the wild boars were unmoved. When you took out your only ID card, the herd of pigs knelt down and cried, “Boss, we’ve found you at last!”

99、你是足花心的人，且常常与作乐，不得家有亿万钱财，长年弃不顾，成天达，寻找猎物，需多问，而性不改，还心意，你定不是好人。
99. You are a fickle person who often indulges in pleasure-seeking. Despite having a fortune of millions at home, you neglect it and spend your days hunting for prey. Many people ask you to change, but you remain determined. You must not be a good person.

100、你又在工作吧？我不止一次的对你说不要这么玩命的工作，要注意身体。可你总是意味深长的说：不趁天暖多滚几个粪球，冬天我吃什么？
100. You’re working again, right? I’ve told you more than once not to work so hard and to take care of your health. But you always say meaningfully, “If I don’t roll more dung balls while it’s warm, what will I eat in winter?”

1、千万别跟我求婚，一求婚我就会答应。
1. Never propose to me, because I’ll accept if you do.

2、人生三愿：一是吃得下饭，二是睡得着觉，三是笑得出来。
2. Three wishes in life: to eat well, to sleep well, and to laugh often.

3、我身在江湖，江湖却没有关于我的传说。
3. I am in the world of martial arts, yet there are no legends about me.

4、男女调情的时候，诞生了最具特色的汉字：凹凸。
4. When men and women flirt, the most distinctive Chinese character is born: “凹凸” (concave-convex).

5、早知道他不是好东西，就是忘了说了。
5. I knew he was no good, but I just forgot to mention it.

6、让暴风雨来得更猛烈些吧，反正我是卖伞的！
6. Let the storm come even stronger, for I sell umbrellas!

7、我站在你的城府里大声叫到：哎哟！满深的啊！
7. I stand in your cunning trap and shout: “Ouch! It’s so deep!”

8、第三者不是后来的那个，而是不被深爱的那个。
8. The third wheel is not the one who comes later, but the one who is not deeply loved.

9、世界上最郁闷的事莫过于踩到自己拉的粑粑。
9. The most frustrating thing in the world is stepping on your own poop.

10、穿别人的鞋走别人的路，让别人既找不到鞋又找不到路。
10. Wear other people’s shoes and walk their path, so they can’t find either the shoes or the way.

11、姐不是蒙娜丽莎，不会对每个人都微笑。
11. I’m not the Mona Lisa; I don’t smile at everyone.

12、刷牙是件悲喜交加的事，一手拿杯具，一手拿洗具。
12. Brushing teeth is a bittersweet task, holding a cup in one hand and a toothbrush in the other.

13、锄禾日当午，上学真幸苦，已进入学校，罚站一下午。
13. Hoeing the field under the midday sun, school is truly tough. As soon as I enter the school, I get punished to stand for the whole afternoon.

14、我平胸我骄傲，我为国家省布料。
14. I’m flat-chested, and I’m proud of it. I save fabric for the country.

15、好友谈恋爱两个月，网名改成”蓝色”。最近我才知道，蓝色直译为中文叫”不撸”。
15. A good friend has been dating for two months, and changed their online nickname to “Blue.” Recently, I found out that “Blue” translates to “No Wank” in Chinese.

16、没有激情，爱就不会燃烧，没有友情，朋就不会满座，没有豪情，志就难于实现，没有心情，事就难于完成。
16. Without passion, love won’t burn; without friendship, there won’t be a crowd; without ambition, it’s hard to achieve one’s aspirations; without mood, tasks are difficult to complete.

17、地铁上的广告：挤吗？买辆车吧！出租车上的广告：赌吗？坐地铁吧！靠，忽悠我还是怎么着！
17. Subway advertisement: Crowded? Buy a car! Taxi advertisement: In a hurry? Take the subway! Damn, are they kidding me or what?

18、知道高晓松为啥喝醉酒不？那是因为药家鑫想让他唱一首“同牢的你”。
18. Do you know why Gao Xiaosong gets drunk? It’s because Yao Jiaxin wants him to sing a song called “You in the Same Prison.”

19、今天MM的生日，为了第一个送上祝福，凌晨我准时拿起手机发了一条信息：沙发。
19. Today is MM’s birthday. In order to be the first to send blessings, I picked up my phone on time in the early morning and sent a message: Sofa.

20、靠山吃山，靠水吃水，今天抢劫，不许不给，谁要反抗，让他见鬼。
20. Live off the mountain if you’re near one, and live off the water if you’re near a river. Today, I’m robbing and you must give me your money. If anyone resists, let them meet the devil.

21、前途是光明的、道路是没有的。
21. The future is bright, but there is no path.

22、不想当神父的道士不是好和尚。
22. A Taoist who doesn’t want to be a priest is not a good monk.

23、不是人人都能活的低调，可以低调的基础是随时都能高调。
23. Not everyone can live a low-profile life. The basis for being low-key is the ability to be high-profile at any time.

24、不怕路远，就怕志短，不怕缓慢，就怕常站;不怕贫穷，就怕惰懒，不怕对手悍，就怕自己颤。
24. Don’t be afraid of a long journey, but be afraid of short ambitions. Don’t be afraid of slow progress, but be afraid of always standing still. Don’t be afraid of poverty, but be afraid of laziness. Don’t be afraid of tough opponents, but be afraid of trembling yourself.

25、逆风的方向，更适合飞翔。我不怕万人阻挡，只怕自己投降。
25. The direction against the wind is more suitable for flying. I’m not afraid of ten thousand people blocking me, I’m only afraid of surrendering myself.

26、你想死呢、还是你不想活拉。
26. Do you want to die, or do you not want to live anymore?

27、你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
27. You’d better let me kneel on the washboard, I can’t stand kneeling on the electric heater!

28、“捷克斯洛伐克”！我叫JACK，我老婆总这样抱怨我。
28. “Check Slovakia!” My name is Jack, and my wife always complains about me like this.

29、高中时每人发个胸牌。一次来检查前，班主任跑到教室大声喊，大家快把胸罩戴起来，来检查的啦…全场鸦雀无声…
29. In high school, everyone was given a badge. Once, before an inspection, the headteacher ran into the classroom and shouted loudly, “Everyone, put on your bras, the inspectors are coming…” The whole class was silent.

30、不在放荡中变坏，就在沉默中变态。
30. If you don’t go bad in dissipation, you’ll go weird in silence.

31、寂寞就是有人说话时，没人在听，有人在听时，你却没话说了！
31. Loneliness is when someone is talking, but no one is listening. When someone is listening, you have nothing to say!

32、比遇见一个泼妇更让人头痛的是……同时遇见两个泼妇。
32. Meeting one shrew is more annoying than meeting two shrews at the same time.

33、女人装比那叫资本，男人装比那叫变态。
33. Women showing off is called capital, while men showing off is called perversion.

34、不怕喝敌敌畏，就怕开盖有惊喜，畅享多一瓶。
34. I’m not afraid of drinking敌敌畏 (a pesticide), but I’m afraid of a surprise when I open the cap, enjoying an extra bottle.

35、我一定要出现你家户口本上，做不了你老公，也做你小爹。
35. I must appear on your household registration book, if not as your husband, then as your father-in-law.

36、又帅又车，那是象棋，有钱有房，那是银行。
36. Being handsome and having a car, that’s chess. Having money and a house, that’s a bank.

37、哥吸烟、是因为它伤肺，不伤心。
37. I smoke because it hurts my lungs, not my heart.

38、花有百样红，人与狗不同。
38. There are a hundred shades of red in flowers, but people are different from dogs.

39、男人被甩，金钱问题，女人被甩，面貌问题，我被甩，你他妈脑袋有问题。
39. When a man is dumped, it’s a money issue; when a woman is dumped, it’s a facial issue; when I’m dumped, there’s a fucking problem with your head.

40、人生自古谁无死，哪个拉屎不用纸。
40. Since ancient times, who has not died in life? Who doesn’t use toilet paper when taking a dump?

41、人生就像大便，一旦冲走了，就不会再回来。
41. Life is like a bowel movement; once it’s flushed away, it won’t come back.

42、人长得漂亮不如活得漂亮！
42. It’s better to live beautifully than to be beautiful in appearance!

43、一直听别人说，开房怎么怎么爽，终于有一天我忍不住去开房了……还真是爽啊，一个人睡这么大一张床！
43. I always heard others say how great it is to have a room, and finally, I couldn’t resist trying it out… It’s really great, sleeping alone on such a big bed!

44、据说今年夏天全国各地如今都在追悼一个叫热的家伙——“热死了！”
44. It is said that this summer, people all over the country are mourning a guy named “Heat” – “Heat killed us!”

45、讲课时女老师裤子拉链开了，一女生站起来提醒：老师，你门没关!老师一摆手：不管它一会儿教导主任要来参观。
45. During a lecture, a female teacher’s pants zipper was open. A female student stood up to remind her: “Teacher, your door is open!” The teacher waved her hand: “Never mind, the principal will come to visit later.”

46、新婚次日一大早，新娘痛苦地从洞房走出，一手扶着墙壁，一手捂着下身，大骂：骗子！真是个骗子!结婚前说有三十年的积蓄，我还以为是钱呢！
46. The day after the wedding, the bride walked out of the bridal chamber in pain early in the morning, holding the wall with one hand and covering her lower body with the other, cursing: “Liar! You’re such a liar! You said you had thirty years of savings, and I thought it was money!”

47、要珍惜你身边长得黑的人，因为有一天煤矿车经过，你可能就在也看不到他了。
47. Cherish the dark-skinned people around you, because one day when a coal mine passes by, you may never see them again.

48、我今天心情不好，只想讲四句话，包括前两句，我的话讲完了。
48. I’m in a bad mood today and only want to say four sentences, including the previous two. My speech is over.

49、路上看见一对情侣亲热。于是我跑过去，对那个男孩纸说：哥哥，今天的这个姐姐没有昨天的那个漂亮……
49. I saw a couple being intimate on the road. So I ran over and said to the boy: “Brother, this sister today is not as pretty as the one yesterday…”

50、一对男女在亲热，男的十分卖力，女的却毫无反映，男的生气的问道：“你就不能有点反映吗？连床也不会叫！”女的听后连忙大叫：“床！！床！！”
50. A couple was being intimate, and the man was working hard, but the woman had no reaction. The man angrily asked, “Can’t you show some reaction? You won’t even moan on the bed!” After hearing this, the woman quickly shouted, “Bed! Bed!”

51、算命先生与小姐对白：“你命不好。”“为什么？”“因为你身上带有凶兆。”“那我把胸罩脱了行吗?”“不行，你一脱了凶兆，就会出现人生的两个大波。
51. Fortune teller and a prostitute dialogue: “You have bad luck.” “Why?” “Because you have a bad omen on you.” “Can I take off my bra then?” “No, if you take off the bad omen, you’ll face two great waves in life.”

52、皇上，臣妾有一事相求，恳请皇上将臣妾打入冷宫，臣妾受不鸟了，这天气太热了。
52. Your Majesty, your concubine has a request. Please banish me to the cold palace, I can’t stand it anymore, the weather is too hot.

53、我以前很瘦，未来也很瘦，所以我现在先胖个一段时间，不然人生不圆满。
53. I used to be thin, and I will be thin in the future, so I’ll be fat for a while now, otherwise, life won’t be fulfilling.

54、“我好喜欢你头像”“干嘛还带后面俩字”。
54. “I like your avatar so much.” “Why do you add those two words at the end?”

55、要命的夏天来了，谁要是能给我们班教室装台空调，我们就把班主任嫁给他。
55. The deadly summer is coming. If anyone can install an air conditioner in our classroom, we’ll marry the headteacher to him.

56、不怕神一样的哥们，就怕狗一样的朋友。
56. I’m not afraid of godlike friends, but I’m afraid of dog-like friends.

57、上帝给了我们七情六欲，我们却把它们变成了色情和暴力。
57. God gave us seven emotions and six desires, but we turned them into pornography and violence.

58、英雄不问出路，流氓不看岁数！
58. A hero doesn’t care about his origins, and a hooligan doesn’t care about his age!

59、从猴子变成人需要成千上万年，从人变回猴子只用一瓶酒。
59. It takes thousands of years for a monkey to become a human, but only a bottle of alcohol for a human to become a monkey again.

60、你鱼肉百姓，百姓就人肉你。
60. If you exploit the common people, they will turn against you.

61、老板，来一碗泪流满面。
61. Boss, give me a bowl of tears.

62、穿着恒源祥的毛衣，提着脑白金的礼盒，拿着三精葡萄酸钙，嘬着太极急支糖浆，哪儿人多奔哪儿去这就算行为艺术了吧。
62. Wearing a sweater from Hengyuanxiang, carrying a gift box of Naobaijin, holding Sanjing grape calcium, and sipping Taiji urgent support syrup - going wherever there are crowds, this should be considered performance art, right?

63、长大了，娶唐僧做老公，能玩就玩一玩，不能玩就把他吃掉。
63. When I grow up, I want to marry Tang Seng as my husband, play with him if I can, and eat him if I can’t.

64、人不能低下高贵的头，但捡钱时例外。
64. A person should not bow their noble head, except when picking up money.

65、小时候我以为自己长大后可以拯救整个世界，等长大后才发现整个世界都拯救不了我。
65. When I was young, I thought I could save the whole world when I grew up. But when I grew up, I realized the whole world couldn’t save me.

66、如果朋友可以出卖，每个值五块的话，我也能发笔小财了。
66. If friends could be sold, and each was worth five dollars, I could make a small fortune.

67、世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
67. In this world, I only trust two people: one is me, and the other is not you.

68、电话费透支90万的判无期，撞死人的判3年，自动取款机恶意取款17万判无期，贪污几千万判10年。
68. For a 900,000 phone bill deficit, one is sentenced to life imprisonment; for killing someone, three years; for maliciously withdrawing 170,000 from an ATM, life imprisonment; for embezzling tens of millions, ten years.

69、我们可以躲开大家，却躲不开一只苍蝇。生活中使我们不快乐的常是一些芝麻小事。
69. We can avoid everyone, but we can’t avoid a fly. It’s often the trivial matters in life that make us unhappy.

70、有一种人只做两件事：你成功了，他妒嫉你，你失败了，他笑话你。
70. There is a type of person who only does two things: when you succeed, they envy you; when you fail, they ridicule you.

71、你们现在谈恋爱已经晚了，大学就应该全身心读书。。。。。。这个问题。应该初中高中就解决了。
71. It’s too late for you to fall in love now; you should have devoted yourself to studying in college… This issue should have been resolved in junior and senior high school.

72、未来要和我结婚的那位：也不知道你现在给谁谈恋爱呢。别给人家浪费感情了、找个时间咱俩认识一下呗。
72. To the one who will marry me in the future: I don’t know who you’re dating now. Don’t waste your feelings on them; find a time for us to get to know each other.

73、今天听到一个八岁的小姑娘唱，两只老虎，两只老虎，谈恋爱，谈恋爱。两只都是公的，两只都是公的，真变态，真变态。
73. Today, I heard an eight-year-old girl singing, “Two tigers, two tigers, in love, in love. Both are male, both are male, how perverted, how perverted.”

74、就算再挫也要谈恋爱，谈到世界充满爱！
74. Even if I’m not good enough, I still want to fall in love, to make the world full of love!

75、我谈过最长的恋爱，就是自恋，我爱自己，没有情敌。
75. The longest relationship I’ve ever had is with myself; I love myself, with no rivals.

76、看到有篇微博说道你自己是否愿意和自己谈恋爱。我纠结了很久，最后还是选择了不愿意。瞬间我再也不怪那些抛弃我的人了。
76. I saw a Weibo post asking if you would be willing to date yourself. I hesitated for a long time, but in the end, I chose not to. In that moment, I no longer blamed those who abandoned me.

77、你出来一下，我有事想跟你谈谈。”“谈什么?”“恋爱。”
77. “Come out for a moment, I want to talk to you.” “About what?” “About love.”

78、一个妇女从超市回来，忿忿地抱怨：”如果顾客永远是对的，为什么不是一切都免费。
78. A woman came back from the supermarket and complained angrily, “If the customer is always right, why isn’t everything free?”

79、春有百花秋有月，夏有凉风冬有雪。若无烦事挂心头，便是人间好时节。
79. In spring there are flowers, in autumn there is the moon, in summer there is a cool breeze, and in winter there is snow. If there are no troubles in the heart, it is a good time in the world.

80、没有人能预测未来，所以总有人后悔当初。
80. No one can predict the future, so there are always people who regret their past.

81、只有不可替代，你才不会被炒掉，但一直不可替代，就不会被提拔。
81. Only if you are irreplaceable, you won’t be fired, but if you are always irreplaceable, you won’t be promoted.

82、春天来了，绿意盎然，他也来了，一身绿装！md，连帽子也是绿色的！
82. Spring has arrived, with greenery everywhere, and he has come too, dressed in green! Damn it, even his hat is green!

83、人们喜欢春风，厌恶寒风，其实寒风是无辜的，是温度在使坏！
83. People like the spring breeze and hate the cold wind, but the cold wind is innocent; it’s the temperature that’s causing trouble!

84、电脑是愤怒者的麦克风，深夜它传播着我们的骂声！
84. The computer is the microphone for the angry, spreading our curses in the deep night!

85、为什么你坐在那儿，看上去就像一个没写地址的信封？
85. Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without an address?

86、君子报仇，十年不晚，小人报仇，从早到晚。
86. A gentleman seeks revenge ten years later, while a petty person seeks revenge from morning to night.

87、天上终不会掉陷饼，它只会掉陷阱。
87. The sky will never drop pie, it only drops traps.

88、白色加白色就是黑色，因为双重否定就是肯定。
88. White plus white equals black, because a double negative is a positive.

89、我对你的感情就像雷锋对于穷人的怜悯。
89. My feelings for you are like Lei Feng’s compassion for the poor.

90、其实人活着的时候就是一个躯壳，死了就变成一堆骨灰。
90. In fact, when people are alive, they are just a shell, and when they die, they become a pile of ashes.

91、有钱的人怕别人知道他有钱，没钱的人怕别人知道他没钱。
91. Rich people fear others knowing they have money, while poor people fear others knowing they have no money.

92、广告就是告诉别人，他的钱还可以这么花。
92. Advertising is about telling others how they can spend their money.

93、我问她：”你以前交过男朋友吗？”她说：”高中的时候有交过。”我明知故问：”是河南的么？”她大惊：”当然是和男的啦!”
93. I asked her, “Have you ever had a boyfriend?” She said, “I had one in high school.” I deliberately asked, “From Henan?” She was surprised, “Of course, with a guy!”

94、男：山外青山楼外楼，恋爱婚姻都自由。女：万水千山只等闲，还不赶快去赚钱。
94. Male: “Beyond the mountains there are more mountains, and beyond the buildings there are more buildings; love and marriage are both free.” Female: “Thousands of rivers and thousands of mountains are just a casual wait; hurry up and make money.”

95、你住在我心里，你交房租了吗？
95. “You live in my heart, have you paid the rent?”

96、体育老师说：谁敢穿裙子上我的课，就罚她倒立！
96. The physical education teacher said, “Whoever dares to wear a skirt in my class will be punished by standing on her hands!”

97、最尴尬的莫过于和女友去民政局登记，工作人员竟是前女友。
97. The most embarrassing thing is to go to the civil affairs bureau for registration with your girlfriend, only to find that the staff member is your ex-girlfriend.

98、不喜欢我，我就把你阉了做我妹。
98. If you don’t like me, I’ll castrate you and make you my sister.

99、昨天是历史，今天是开始，明天谁都不好使！
99. Yesterday is history, today is the beginning, and tomorrow nobody can stop me!

100、最近神马开始变驴腿了，浮云变雨水了！
100. Recently, Pegasus has started to have donkey legs, and clouds have turned into rain!

1、发废话会花费，回发废话话费挥发， 发废话花费话费会后悔，花费话费回发废话会耗费，发废话回发废话全花话费，怎样，一毛钱就弄晕你！
1. Sending nonsense messages costs money, replying to nonsense messages makes the cost vanish, sending nonsense messages costs money and makes you regret, replying to nonsense messages costs money too, sending and replying to nonsense messages all consume your phone bill, how about that, I can confuse you with just a dime!

2、风撩起你的长发，你显得更潇洒！浪花拍打你的脚丫，你显得更无暇！你迎着东方的朝霞，就像一朵海浪花！不是熟人很难看出你是傻瓜！
2. The wind plays with your long hair, making you look more dashing! The waves splash your feet, making you look flawless! You face the morning glow of the east, like a sea wave flower! It’s hard for strangers to tell that you’re a fool!

3、我仿佛看到你快乐地扑向我，把头扎在我怀里……真的！我太幸福了。不就准备送你个生日蛋糕嘛！你就这么高兴？还汪汪叫着对我摇尾巴。
3. I seem to see you happily rushing towards me, burying your head in my arms… really! I’m so happy. It’s just that I’m going to give you a birthday cake! Are you that happy? Even wagging your tail and barking at me.

4、看着万里无云的天空，听着小溪哗啦哗啦的流水声，身边的小草随风轻轻地摇摆着，大自然是多么美好啊，可惜空气被你刚才放的一个屁给污染了！
4. Looking at the cloudless sky, listening to the sound of the stream gurgling, the grass beside me sways gently with the wind, how beautiful nature is! It’s a pity that the air was polluted by the fart you just let out!

5、看着你一天比一天消瘦的身躯，我难受得吃不下睡不着，我求求你了，别再瘦下去了，如果你再继续这样瘦下去的话，别人会以为我…我给你喂瘦肉精呢！
5. Watching your body getting thinner day by day, I feel so upset that I can’t eat or sleep. I beg you, please don’t get any thinner! If you continue to lose weight like this, people will think I… am feeding you lean meat powder!

6、哥们，我昨天去看演出，发现有一个演员跟你长得一模一样，我就问工作人员：长得像我哥们那个演员是谁啊？工作人员说：那个是…从非洲买来的猩猩。
6. Buddy, I went to a show yesterday and saw an actor who looked just like you. I asked the staff: Who is the actor who looks like my buddy? The staff said: That’s… the chimpanzee bought from Africa.

7、寻猪启事：本人丢失纯种小白猪一只。特征：聪明伶俐，善解人意，身上带一部手机并在查阅短信，爱猪看过信息后，速给主人回信息！主人现在好想你！
7. Lost and found notice for a purebred white pig: I lost a pig with the following characteristics: intelligent and understanding, carrying a mobile phone and reading messages, loves pigs to reply to the owner’s messages after reading! The owner misses you so much now!

8、哭了吧傻了吧，幸福的日子没有了吧？早警告过你，不要贪吃贪睡，可你就是不听。这下你该记住了吧，猪长到一定分量就要出栏的。
8. Cry, be silly, and happy days are gone, right? I warned you early not to overeat and sleep, but you just wouldn’t listen. Now you should remember: when a pig reaches a certain weight, it’s time to go to market.

9、听说今天太湖里跳出来一只癞蛤蟆被车轧死，我听了一直很担心，马上给你发短信，如果你还活着的话，请回复我！
9. I heard that today a toad jumped out of Taihu Lake and was run over by a car. I’ve been worried ever since, so I sent you a text message. If you’re still alive, please reply to me!

10、这段日子以来，我一直想对你说三个字，但又怕说了连普通朋友也做不成，可我控制不住，还是想说：借点钱！
10. These days, I’ve always wanted to say three words to you, but I’m afraid that if I say them, we won’t even be ordinary friends anymore. But I can’t help it, I still want to say: lend me some money!

11、谢谢你春天陪我观百花，夏日伴我看夕阳，秋季陪我赏落叶，冬天伴我看雪景。如果没有你，再美的风景都是模糊的，真的谢谢你……眼镜！
11. Thank you for accompanying me to watch the flowers in spring, enjoy the sunset in summer, admire the falling leaves in autumn, and watch the snow scenery in winter. Without you, even the most beautiful scenery would be blurry. I really appreciate you… glasses!

12、你身材永远都是那么苗条，身手总是那么敏捷，生活总是很悠闲，整天都是游玩在名川大山间，你吃的食物都是纯天然无污染绿色食品，唉，当猴子真好！
12. Your figure is always so slim, your movements are always so agile, your life is always so leisurely, and you spend your days playing in famous mountains and rivers. The food you eat is all pure, pollution-free, green food. Sigh, it’s great to be a monkey!

13、你是我心中的太阳，可惜下雨了；你是我梦中的月亮，可惜云遮住了；你是我心中最美的花朵，可惜开过了；你是天上的嫦娥降临人间，可惜脸先着地了！
13. You are the sun in my heart, but it’s raining; you are the moon in my dreams, but the clouds are covering it; you are the most beautiful flower in my heart, but it has already bloomed; you are the fairy Chang’e descending to the world, but your face hit the ground first!

14、想你，有一种温馨的感觉；见你，是一种痛苦的期待；爱你，是我一生的追求；梦你，是我永久的情怀。其实揍你，才是我心中快乐之所在！
14. Missing you gives me a warm feeling; seeing you is a painful anticipation; loving you is my lifelong pursuit; dreaming of you is my eternal sentiment. Actually, hitting you is where my true happiness lies!

15、当你在路上遇到狗的时候不要惊慌，要勇敢地与它博斗，仅多会有三种结果：一是你赢了，你比狗厉害；二是你输了，你连狗都不如；三是你们打平了，你和狗一样。
15. When you encounter a dog on the road, don’t panic. Bravely fight it, and there will be three possible outcomes: 1) You win, proving you are stronger than the dog; 2) You lose, making you feel inferior to the dog; 3) You draw, meaning you are equal to the dog.

16、蝴蝶埋怨蜜蜂，肚子不小，里边那么多甜言蜜语，就是不给我说，气人!蜜蜂埋怨蝴蝶，穿的怪花，头上两根天线那么长，就是不给我发信息，恼人!
16. The butterfly complains to the bee, “You have such a big belly, full of sweet words, yet you never share them with me. It’s so frustrating!” The bee complains to the butterfly, “You dress so strangely, with those long antennae on your head, yet you never send me a message. It’s so annoying!”

17、爱心提示，饭后七戒：一戒抽烟，二戒马上吃水果，三戒放松，四戒立即喝茶，五戒白步走，六戒立即洗澡，七戒立即睡觉!八戒：你记住了么？
17. Loving reminder: Seven don’ts after a meal: 1) Don’t smoke; 2) Don’t eat fruit immediately; 3) Don’t relax; 4) Don’t drink tea right away; 5) Don’t take a white step (meaning don’t walk); 6) Don’t take a bath immediately; 7) Don’t go to sleep right away! Pig (referring to the reader): Did you remember these?

18、请别再往下看啦，关机吧，真的没什么好看的，求你啦，真的要看？不后悔？好吧，这可是你自己要求的——你是猪！
18. Please stop scrolling down, just turn off your phone. There’s really nothing to see here, I beg you. Do you really want to see? Don’t you regret it? Alright, since it’s your choice - You are a pig!

19、这么多年了，知道我找你找得多辛苦么?我走遍世界，就是为了寻找一张像你这样的脸，这是我的名片，随时欢迎到我的整形医院来!——误人专家。
19. After all these years, do you know how hard I’ve been looking for you? I traveled the world just to find a face like yours. Here’s my business card, and you are always welcome at my plastic surgery clinic! - Deceptive Expert.

20、哎，现在的人几乎都是用键盘代替笔了，其实用键盘敲字的时候会有一件怪事，不信打字的时候你看看你的键盘上会有一只猪手放在上面耶！愚人节快乐！
20. Sigh, nowadays, almost everyone uses a keyboard instead of a pen. When typing on a keyboard, there’s a strange thing that happens. Don’t believe me? Check your keyboard while typing, and you’ll see a pig’s hand resting on it! Happy April Fool’s Day!

21、不要以为建起城市就能定居；不要以为播下种子就能丰收；不要以为登上顶峰就是征服；不要以为我忘了你，在关键时候，比如说今天，我第一个想起的就是你。
21. Don’t assume that building a city means you can settle down; don’t assume that planting seeds guarantees a bountiful harvest; don’t assume that reaching the summit means you’ve conquered it; don’t assume that I’ve forgotten you. At crucial moments, like today, you are the first person I think of.

22、欢迎来到美女应召站，找本地妹请按，找东洋女请按，找西洋妞请按，同性恋者请往下按…………欢迎你同志！……今天可是愚人节哦！
22. Welcome to the beauty escort station. For local girls, please press ; for Japanese women, please press ; for Western girls, please press . Homosexuals, please press down… Welcome, comrade! Today is April Fool’s Day, after all!

23、你善良像猫儿，你忠实像狗儿，你可爱像鸟儿，你识途像马儿，你出色像蝶儿，你勤劳像蜂儿，你什么都相像，也难怪大家都叫你——禽兽。
23. You are as kind as a cat, as loyal as a dog, as cute as a bird, as knowledgeable as a horse, as outstanding as a butterfly, and as hardworking as a bee. It’s no wonder everyone calls you an animal.

24、我知道我是无比的需要你，每天都会小心地把你放到我的心里，让你肆意地抚摸我的身体，感受我的身体，我想我一刻也不会离不开你……我爱你，白开水。
24. I know I need you desperately, and I carefully place you in my heart every day, allowing you to freely touch and feel my body. I think I can’t live a single moment without you… I love you, plain boiled water.

25、那天你拿刀狂砍一头猪，猪逃进一个死胡同，只听猪跪地向你求饶：“本是同根生，相煎何太急！”
25. That day, you chased a pig with a knife, and the pig ran into a dead-end alley. It knelt down and pleaded with you, “We are born from the same root, why are you in such a hurry to cook me?”

26、乞丐带着猴子沿街乞讨，他叫猴子笑它就笑，叫猴子哭它就哭，叫猴子作揖它就作揖，叫猴子看短信它就看短信。
26. A beggar walks along the street with a monkey, making it laugh, cry, bow, or read a text message whenever he asks. The monkey obeys his commands.

27、那天你参加球赛，只见你一记凌空抽射，守门员还没反应过来，球进了！我们都为你鼓掌欢呼，你爬起来，拍拍屁股说：妈的，地太滑了！
27. That day, you participated in a soccer game. You made a stunning volley, and the goalkeeper didn’t have time to react before the ball went in. We all applauded and cheered for you. You got up, patted your behind, and said, “Damn it, the ground is too slippery!”

28、手机响一声，代表我想你；两声，好想你！三声，十分想你！四声，很想很想你；五声－－小样，该接电话了吧！
28. A phone ring represents I miss you; two rings mean I miss you so much! Three rings mean I miss you terribly! Four rings mean I really, really miss you; five rings - Hey, buddy, it’s time to answer the phone!

29、你到云南西双版纳旅游，途中遇到一群野猪围攻，旅客均掏出食品，金钱，野猪不为所动，你掏出仅有的身份证，群猪跪而痛哭道：老大，我们可找到你了！
29. You went on a trip to Xishuangbanna, Yunnan, and encountered a group of wild boars attacking you. The tourists took out food and money, but the wild boars were unmoved. When you took out your only ID card, the boars knelt down and wept, “Boss, we’ve finally found you!”

30、你是足花心的人，且常常与作乐，不得家有亿万钱财，长年弃不顾，成天达，寻找猎物，需多问，而性不改，还心意，你定不是好人。
30. You are a flirtatious person, always seeking pleasure, neglecting your vast fortune at home, and searching for prey day and night. Despite being questioned, your nature remains unchanged, and your intentions are still the same. You must not be a good person.

31、手心痒吗？那代表我想念你的爱抚；嘴唇痒吗？那代表我想念你的热吻；身上痒吗……那代表你脏死了，还不快去洗澡！
31. Is your palm itchy? That means I miss your caresses; are your lips itchy? That means I miss your passionate kisses; is the rest of your body itchy… then you must be filthy, go take a bath already!

32、你长得真不够巧，鼻子好像老油条；眼睛好像红辣椒；眉毛好像两把刀；走起路来两边倒；好像螃蟹昏倒了。
32. You’re really not well-proportioned. Your nose looks like an old fried dough twist, your eyes like red chili peppers, your eyebrows like two knives, and you walk lopsided as if a crab has fainted.

33、你又在工作吧？我不止一次的对你说不要这么玩命的工作，要注意身体。可你总是意味深长的说：不趁天暖多滚几个粪球，冬天我吃什么？
33. You’re working again, aren’t you? I’ve told you more than once not to work so hard and to take care of your health. But you always say meaningfully, “If I don’t roll more dung balls while it’s warm, what will I eat in winter?”

34、漆黑的夜晚，一只老虎把你扑倒，但它为什么不吃你呢？因为这只老虎是回民，不吃猪肉的！
34. On a dark night, a tiger pounces on you, but why doesn’t it eat you? Because the tiger is a Muslim and doesn’t eat pork!

35、深秋，我在街上遇见忧郁的你，看着你孤独的背景无助的眼神……我再也按捺不住内心的激动，冲过去捉住你的手，说：朋友，你踩屎了。
35. In late autumn, I met you on the street, looking melancholic with a helpless gaze… I couldn’t restrain my excitement any longer, ran over, grabbed your hand, and said, “Friend, you stepped in poop.”

36、江湖上知道你武功高强，但你不能骄傲，做到人中有剑，剑中有人，人剑合一，做到了这一点，你就不再是人，是剑人！剑人！剑人！
36. The martial arts world knows you have great skills, but you must not be arrogant. Achieve the state of having a sword within you, and when you and the sword become one, you are no longer a person, but a sword person! Sword person! Sword person!

37、你看你，美国头，法国腰，印度鼻子，香港脚，人不人，鬼不鬼，只有一个脑袋，两条腿，你看看你，还在看着短信咧着嘴！
37. Look at you, with an American hairstyle, a French waist, an Indian nose, and Hong Kong feet. You’re neither human nor ghost, just a head and two legs. Look at you, still reading the message and grinning!

38、红红的太阳蓝蓝的天，农民要看三级片，兴奋地冲进电影院，愤怒的叫喊震翻了天。村长跑来问啥事，农民说“看短信的那人不主演，打死我们也不给钱”。
38. Under the red sun and blue sky, a farmer wants to watch a三级片 (adult film). He excitedly rushes into the cinema, and his angry shouting shakes the heavens. The village head comes to ask what’s going on, and the farmer says, “The person who sent the message isn’t the lead actor; we won’t pay even if we die!”

39、明天下午有空吗？我想去找你，你到车站接我好吗？不过我怕人多不好认，你把头弄成爆炸式，右手拿木棒，左手端个瓷碗与我联系，接头暗号：行行好吧！
39. Are you free tomorrow afternoon? I want to come find you, can you pick me up at the station? But I’m afraid it’ll be hard to recognize you in the crowd. Style your hair in an afro, hold a wooden stick in your right hand, and a porcelain bowl in your left hand to contact me. Password: Please help me!

40、炎炎夏日，一想到你我就快乐，一见到你我就开心，一靠近你我就高兴，一把你拿在手里，我就迫不及待地一口咬下去，那种感觉真是爽啊！我爱你，冰棍！
40. In the hot summer, thinking of you makes me happy, seeing you makes me delighted, and being close to you makes me joyful. As soon as I hold you in my hand, I can’t wait to take a bite, what a refreshing feeling! I love you, popsicle!

41、亲爱的，真对不起。自从昨晚我们浪漫一吻时，你从我嘴里舔出半截豆芽，我就牢记了饭后一定刷牙！
41. My dear, I’m really sorry. Ever since last night when we had that romantic kiss, and you sucked a half-chewed bean sprout from my mouth, I’ve remembered to brush my teeth after meals!

42、在街上看到你了，你和一个人在一起，我一眼就看出他不是好人，他在你后面不停的拍打你的屁股。我气愤地对他说：前面赶驴的，住手！
42. I saw you on the street with someone, and I knew at first glance that he wasn’t a good person. He kept slapping your butt from behind. I indignantly said to him, “The one leading the donkey in front, stop it!”

43、愚人节最典型的开玩笑活动之一：把细线拴着的钱包丢在大街上，自己在暗处拉着线，一旦有人捡钱包，就猛然把钱包拽走！
43. One of the most typical April Fool’s jokes: Tie a thin string to a wallet and drop it on the street. Hide in a dark place, pulling the string. Once someone picks up the wallet, yank it away suddenly!

44、人活着真累！站着想着睡，上车得排队，单恋真受罪，吃饭没香味，喝酒容易醉，上班特疲惫，抢劫还不会，挣钱得交税，给傻猪发短信还得收费。
44. Life is really tiring! You think of sleep while standing, have to wait in line to get on the bus, suffer from unrequited love, find no aroma in food, get drunk easily from alcohol, feel exhausted at work, don’t know how to rob, pay taxes on earnings, and even sending messages to a silly pig costs money.

45、你的幸福，我来付出；你的糊涂，我来弥补；你的贪图，我来满足；你的任性，我来让步；谁最爱你，非我莫属；谁让我是养猪专业户！
45. I’ll pay for your happiness; I’ll make up for your foolishness; I’ll satisfy your greed; I’ll accommodate your willfulness; no one loves you more than me, for I am a professional pig farmer!

46、一次军事演习，一颗炮弹偏离很远，我被派去查看，发现炮弹在农田爆炸，你站在那里，衣裳褴褛，满眼漆黑，双眼含泪对我说：偷颗白菜犯得着用炮轰嘛！
46. During a military exercise, a shell deviated far away. I was sent to check and found it exploded in a farmland. You stood there, tattered clothes, pitch black eyes, and tearful eyes saying to me: “Is it necessary to use a cannon to steal a cabbage?!”

47、很怀念当年我们一起散步的日子，春光明媚、鸟语花香。乡亲们都夸你好漂亮好可爱。乡亲们也夸我好聪明好能干，这么小就出来放猪了。
47. I really miss the days when we used to take walks together, with beautiful spring scenery and the fragrance of birds and flowers. The villagers all praised you for being so beautiful and lovely. They also praised me for being so smart and capable, even at a young age, I was already herding pigs.

48、当你个人空虚寂寞时，西瓜也许是你最好的发泄，你可以用刀割它、削它、砍它、劈它，同时你可以高声喊：我杀瓜、我杀瓜、我杀瓜啊！
48. When you feel empty and lonely, a watermelon might be the best outlet for you. You can cut, peel, chop, and split it, while shouting loudly: “I kill melon, I kill melon, I kill melon!”

49、许多夜晚，你轻柔的依偎在我的身上，用纤纤手触摸我身上娇嫩的地方，吸允我珍贵的体液，才肯松开口离。唉！这该死的蚊子！
49. Many nights, you gently leaned on me, touching the delicate parts of my body with your slender hands, sucking my precious fluids, and only letting go when you were satisfied. Oh, this damned mosquito!

50、不知道从什么时候起，要清理那些长得丑的有点傻的人！你快点整理一下东西，出去避一下吧，不用跟别人说是我告你的，也不用谢我了！
50. I don’t know when it started, but it’s time to clean up those who are ugly and a bit silly! Hurry up and pack your things, go out to avoid it for a while. Don’t tell others it’s from me, and don’t thank me either!

51、本信息为纯粹的骚扰信息！警告还没睡的快去睡，刚睡的翻个身继续睡，睡了很久的起来上个厕所接着睡，实在不想睡的和我一起拿起手机骚扰想睡的！
51. This message is purely a harassment message! A warning to those who haven’t slept yet: go to sleep. To those who just fell asleep: turn over and keep sleeping. To those who have slept for a long time: get up, go to the bathroom, and then go back to sleep. If you really don’t want to sleep, join me in picking up your phone and harassing those who want to sleep!

52、马和猪遇到老虎，掉头就跑，猪跑得慢，马喊：蠢猪！手机抓在手里怎么跑得快！快扔！愚人节快乐！
52. A horse and a pig encountered a tiger, and they turned around and ran. The pig was slow, and the horse shouted: “Stupid pig! How can you run fast with a mobile phone in your hand? Throw it away!” Happy April Fool’s Day!

53、因为你，我相信命运；因为你，我相信缘份；也许这一切都是上天注定，冥冥之中牵引着我俩。好想说。。。。。。我上辈子是做了什么孽呀！
53. Because of you, I believe in fate; because of you, I believe in destiny; maybe all of this is predestined by heaven, and it’s pulling us together in the dark. I really want to say… what a curse I must have committed in my previous life!

54、尊敬的用户您好！因你的手机外型难看，式样过时，已严重影响市容市貌，且阻碍通讯业务发展，本台决定于分钟后发射信号摧毁该手机！
54. Dear user, your mobile phone’s appearance is unattractive and outdated, which has seriously affected the city’s appearance and hindered the development of communication services. We have decided to launch a signal to destroy the phone in 10 minutes!

55、你是否孤单如果是那么你去买一根绳和棍将绳子系在棍上，在起风时去楼顶挥动棍子，别人问你干什么呢你就说：我抽风呢。
55. If you feel lonely, why not buy a rope and a stick, tie the rope to the stick, and wave it on the rooftop when the wind blows. If people ask you what you’re doing, just say: “I’m beating the wind.”

56、头像萝卜，身材似西瓜，脸如香蕉，酸得像山楂。伴着成长都是泥沙，猜猜是谁来吧。——原来是你这个大傻瓜。
56. A radish for a head, a watermelon for a body, a banana for a face, and sour like hawthorn. Growing up with all the mud, guess who it is? – It turns out to be you, the big fool.

57、我觉得认识你这么久了，你这人特别的，极度的，非常的，罕见的，与众不同的笨，而且笨得可爱，嘻嘻，别生气啊！愚人节快乐！
57. I feel that I’ve known you for so long, and you are special, extremely, very, extremely, and rarely different from others in your foolishness. But your foolishness is lovely, so don’t be angry! Happy April Fool’s Day!

58、我梦见你了，你用白云做件衣裳，向小鸟借双翅膀，在屁股后插个扫把，然后剑一般得飞到我身旁，深情得告诉我：你知道嘛？鸟人就这模样。
58. I had a dream about you. You made clothes from white clouds, borrowed wings from a bird, and put a broom behind your buttocks. Then you flew to my side like a sword and told me affectionately: “You know what? This is what a birdman looks like.”

59、当你拿起镜子，看着自己那圆圆的脸，高高的鼻，迷人的眼，性感的嘴，有福的耳，你会大声的感叹—-猪啊！
59. When you pick up a mirror and look at your round face, high nose, charming eyes, sexy mouth, and fortunate ears, you will exclaim loudly - pig!

60、如果长得漂亮是一种错，我已经铸成大错；如果聪明是一种罪，我已经犯下滔天大罪，做人真难！但你就好啦，既没错又没罪，真羡慕你！
60. If being beautiful is a mistake, I have already committed a great mistake; if being smart is a crime, I have already committed a heinous crime. It’s so hard to be a person! But you are so good, neither making mistakes nor committing crimes. I really envy you!

61、西施之貌，沉鱼落雁，闭月羞花；杨贵妃回眸一笑百媚生，六宫粉黛无颜色；你虽然没她们那么厉害，但是只要你媚眼一抛，还是能吓跑小偷的。
61. Xi Shi’s beauty, sinking fish and falling geese, hiding the moon and shaming the flowers; Yang Guifei’s smile, with a hundred charms, left the six palaces without color. Although you are not as amazing as them, as long as you throw a seductive glance, you can still scare away thieves.

62、做家具的是木材，懂诗词的是秀才，众人想的是钱财，被培养的是人才，女人要的是身材，发消息的是天才，正看短信的是蠢才。
62. Furniture is made of wood, poetry is understood by scholars, everyone thinks about money, talents are cultivated, women care about their figures, geniuses send messages, and fools read messages.

63、人活着真累，站着直想睡，上车得排队，吃饭没香味，喝酒还易醉，上班特疲惫，唉，就连给小狗发个短信还得收费。愚人节快乐！
63. Life is really tiring, standing up makes you want to sleep, getting on the bus requires waiting in line, food has no taste, drinking alcohol gets you drunk easily, work is particularly exhausting. Sigh, even sending a message to a dog has a fee. Happy April Fool’s Day!

64、我几乎忘了今天是什么日子，要不是想到你，我是察觉不了的。日子一天一天过，今天是你的好日子，你千万不要忘记，今天是你的节日，祝你愚人节快乐！
64. I almost forgot what today is, but thinking of you made me realize. Day by day, today is your special day, don’t forget that it’s your holiday. I wish you a happy April Fool’s Day!

65、女子无才便是德，我一定是太缺德了。
65. A woman without talent is virtuous; I must be extremely lacking in virtue.

66、跟你认识这么久了，你一直对我很关心，实在不晓得怎么报答你，下辈子做牛做马，我一定拔草给你吃！
66. I’ve known you for so long, and you’ve always been very caring towards me. I really don’t know how to repay you. In the next life, when I’m a cow or a horse, I’ll definitely graze for you!

67、在我眼里，你看上去永远是无忧无虑，吃饭永远是津津有味，睡觉永远是酣然入睡……我真羡慕你呀，唉！有时候想想，像你那样做头猪也挺好的！
67. In my eyes, you always look carefree, eat with great relish, and sleep soundly… I really envy you. Sometimes I think, being a pig like you is not bad after all!

68、我有一首诗，天下几人知，傻瓜读此诗，知之为知之，不知为不知，你是傻瓜我早知，傻瓜听到手机吱，肯定在读这首诗。
68. I have a poem, few people in the world know it. Fools who read this poem, know it is knowing it, do not know is not knowing. I knew you were a fool long ago, a fool hearing the phone creak, must be reading this poem.

69、你站在人群中，被柔柔的风吹起长发，像人间最美的旋律，在我心头久久回荡，我想说：你的假发要掉了……今天是愚人节哦。
69. You stand in the crowd, with the gentle breeze blowing your long hair, like the most beautiful melody on earth, lingering in my heart for a long time. I want to say: your wig is about to fall off… Today is April Fool’s Day, by the way.

70、有一种默契叫做心照不宣，有一种感觉叫做妙不可言，有一种思念叫做望眼欲穿，有一种白痴会把短信看完！
70. There is a kind of tacit understanding called unspoken, there is a feeling called indescribable, there is a kind of longing called yearning, and there is a kind of fool who reads the message to the end!

71、爸爸抱着你等车，人家都笑话孩子长得难看，爸爸哭了，一卖香蕉老大爷拍拍爸爸说：“拿只香蕉给猴子吃吧，真可怜，饿得都没毛了”。
71. Dad held you while waiting for the bus, people laughed at the ugly child, Dad cried, an old man selling bananas patted Dad and said, “Give the monkey a banana to eat, it’s so pitiful, it’s hungry and hairless.”

72、要是饿了咋办?来份火锅涮涮!要是渴了咋办?去海边转转!要是没钱咋办?找个傻子骗骗!要是没胆咋办?找拉登练练!要是想你咋办?到猪圈看看!
72. If you’re hungry, have a hot pot! If you’re thirsty, go to the seaside! If you have no money, deceive a fool! If you have no courage, train with Bin Laden! If you miss someone, go to the pigsty and have a look!

73、春天的花开了，是你的笑容；夏天的太阳火了，是你的热情；秋天的果实熟了，是你的收成。嘿嘿！小狗熊，这样你就可以安心地冬眠了！
73. The flowers of spring have bloomed, it’s your smile; the sun of summer is burning hot, it’s your passion; the fruits of autumn are ripe, it’s your harvest. Hey! Little bear, now you can rest assured to hibernate through winter!

74、如果醒着，就一直醒；如果睡着，就继续睡。如果散步，就该放松；如果赛跑，就尽全力。做事专心致志，目标始终如一，坚持不懈才能创造奇迹。加油朋友！
74. If you’re awake, stay awake; if you’re asleep, keep sleeping. If you’re walking, relax; if you’re racing, give your all. Focus on what you’re doing, always keep your goal in mind, and persistence will create miracles. Cheer up, friend!

75、想你，是件很快乐的事．见你，是件很开心的事．爱你，是我永远要做的事．把你放在心上是我一直在 做的事．不过，骗你，是刚刚发生的事！呵呵！
75. Missing you is a very happy thing. Seeing you is a very joyful thing. Loving you is what I will always do. Keeping you in my heart is what I’ve been doing. However, deceiving you just happened! Hehe!

76、我悄悄的蒙上你的眼睛，轻轻地在你脚下放块香蕉皮，温柔地看着你踩上去，微笑地看你满地找牙!然后浅浅一笑：看你还敢不敢忘记我!
76. I quietly cover your eyes, gently place a banana peel under your feet, and watch you step on it with a smile, as you look for your teeth everywhere! Then I give a faint smile: See if you dare to forget me!

77、你走在路上，一母狗扑向你从你的脚上咬了一块肉，迅速吞下去，你伸脚正要踢它的时候，狗含着泪说：你打吧，反正肚子里已经有了你的骨肉。
77. You’re walking on the road, a female dog pounces on you and bites a piece of meat from your foot, quickly swallows it down. When you’re about to kick it, the dog tearfully says: Go ahead and hit me, since I already have your offspring in my belly.

78、上司：就是经常开空头支票忽悠你的人；对手：就是经常因为你不开心而开心的人；朋友：就是经常三更半夜毫无理由骚扰你的人；我：对不起，骚扰你了！
78. Boss: the one who often deceives you with empty promises; rival: the one who is happy when you are unhappy; friend: the one who often disturbs you for no reason in the middle of the night; me: I’m sorry for bothering you!

79、听说吃大蒜可以预防甲流，觉得很有道理，你想呀：吃了大蒜，别人嫌你有味儿，不愿接近你，甲流病毒也就近不了身了！哈哈，出门前别忘了含两瓣大蒜哦~
79. I heard that eating garlic can prevent the flu, and it makes sense. You see, after eating garlic, people don’t want to get close to you because of the smell, so the flu virus can’t get near you either! Haha, don’t forget to put two cloves of garlic in your mouth before going out~

80、遇到你是我心动的开始，爱上你是我幸福的选择；追求你是我走向幸福的起点；拥有你是我最珍贵的财富；踏入红毯是我永恒的动力！遗憾的是我发错人了！
80. Meeting you was the beginning of my heartbeat, falling in love with you was my happy choice; pursuing you was the starting point of my journey to happiness; having you is my most precious treasure; stepping onto the red carpet is my eternal motivation! Unfortunately, I sent this message to the wrong person!

81、考试零分叫鴨蛋，做壞事叫壞蛋，腦袋空空叫傻蛋，炒魷魚叫滾蛋，駡人叫混蛋，嗚呼哀哉叫完蛋，正在看短信的是笨蛋。
81. Scoring zero in an exam is called a duck egg, doing something bad is called a bad egg, having an empty head is called a fool, getting fired is called rolling an egg, cursing someone is called a jerk, alas and woe is called a complete egg, and the person reading this message is a fool.

82、没有你的日子，生活变得难受，我恨那个可恶的第三者把你抢走，你和他是否有了新感情？好想你再回到我身边啊―钱包！
82. Without you, life becomes unbearable. I hate that despicable third party who took you away from me. Do you have a new relationship with him? I miss you and want you back by my side - wallet!

83、有一只天鹅对耐葛宝说：你长得那丑，还想娶我！耐葛宝听了，不服气说：我还算好的，你看猪，比我还丑！正看短信的猪听了不服说：你说你的，咋扯上我呢。
83. One day, a swan said to Nigebao: You are so ugly, and you still want to marry me! Nigebao, feeling wronged, replied: I’m not that bad. Look at the pig; it’s even uglier than me! The pig, who was reading the message, felt wronged and said: I’m just talking about you, why involve me?

84、不知不觉地，我和你的感情已经非常深厚了。我也很清楚此时此刻你舍不得离开我，但是，如果你还不赶快的话就来不及了：打狗队已经出动了！
84. Unconsciously, my feelings for you have become very deep. I know that you can’t bear to leave me at this moment, but if you don’t hurry up, it will be too late: the dog-catching team has already set out!

85、一二三四五六七，妈妈带你去买糖吃，什么糖，奶糖，什么奶，牛奶，什么牛，水牛，什么水，清水，什么清，青蛙，什么挖，挖你的脑袋做西瓜！
85. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, mom takes you to buy candy. What candy? Milk candy. What milk? Cow’s milk. What cow? Buffalo. What water? Clear water. What clear? Frog. What dig? Dig your head to make a watermelon!

86、在人生的旅途上，你有时候看不到我在你身后，不是我把你遗忘，也不是让你一个人去走，而是我选择走在你的后面，当你不小心跌倒时，我就跑上去…踩两脚。
86. On the journey of life, sometimes you can’t see me behind you. It’s not that I’ve forgotten about you, nor that I’m letting you walk alone. It’s just that I choose to walk behind you, so when you accidentally fall, I can run up and… step on you twice.

87、对面的MM看过来，看过来，看过来，我发的短信很精彩，请不要假装不理不睬；对面的MM回电话，回电话，回电话，不要被我的声音吓坏，其实我很和蔼。
87. Girls across the way, look over here, look over here, look over here, the message I sent is very exciting, please don’t pretend to ignore it; girls across the way, call back, call back, call back, don’t be scared by my voice, I’m actually very kind.

88、我希望你能和我合作去做一番大事业，我们会不愁吃不愁喝，而且还可以周游世界，我想以你的魅力你会挣的比我多，答应我好吗？走！要饭去！
88. I hope you can cooperate with me to do a great business. We will have plenty of food and drink, and we can travel around the world. I think with your charm, you will earn more than me. Will you agree? Let’s go! Beg for food!

89、如果你的耳朵痒了，证明有人想念你；你的眼睛痒了，证明有人想见你；你的嘴唇痒了，证明有人想吻你；如果你身体不舒服。。别瞎想，该洗澡了！
89. If your ears itch, it means someone misses you; if your eyes itch, it means someone wants to see you; if your lips itch, it means someone wants to kiss you; if you feel unwell… Don’t think too much, it’s time for a bath!

90、遇到你，是我心动的开始；爱上你，是我幸福的选择；拥有你，是我最珍贵的财富；踏入红毯，是我永恒的动力。遗憾的是――我传错人了。
90. Meeting you was the beginning of my heartbeat; falling in love with you was my happy choice; having you is my most precious treasure; stepping onto the red carpet is my eternal motivation. Unfortunately, I sent this message to the wrong person.

91、这次发信息，主要有三个目的：一是联络感情；二是打发时间；三是我很负责任地告诉你：天气凉了，记得不要再穿开裆裤了。
91. The main purpose of sending this message is threefold: to maintain our relationship, to pass the time, and to responsibly tell you: the weather is getting cold, remember not to wear open-crotch pants anymore.

92、有一天，我跟同学去食堂吃饭，由于人太多，我们决定打包回去吃，于是就挤进去点菜，我朋友她是要打包豆芽的，谁之她就叫成：阿姨，我要爆牙！
92. One day, my classmate and I went to the cafeteria to eat. Since there were too many people, we decided to take our food back to eat. So we squeezed in to order, and my friend, who wanted to order bean sprouts, accidentally said: Auntie, I want to explode my teeth!

93、我明白，发给你的每条短信都让你刻骨铭心！我了解，写给你的每个字都让你废寝忘食！但我想知道，欠我的那顿饭，你啥时候请？
93. I understand that every message I send you is deeply engraved in your heart! I know that every word I write for you makes you forget to sleep and eat! But I want to know, when are you going to treat me to the meal you owe me?

94、千万别动！静静的看着这条短信！看看上面，看看下面，别忘了左边和右边！看完了吗？………………………………看完就删除吧！
94. Don’t move! Quietly look at this message! Look up, look down, don’t forget left and right! Finished reading? ………………. Delete it after reading!

95、半夜三更，厕所无灯；你去解手，掉进茅坑；与蛆搏斗，与屎竞争；无人救你，壮烈牺牲；生得伟大，死得无声；为纪念你，厕所安灯！
95. In the middle of the night, the toilet has no light; you go to relieve yourself and fall into the latrine; fighting with maggots, competing with feces; no one to save you, you die heroically; born great, died silently; to commemorate you, a light is installed in the toilet!

96、听说你被拐卖，真的把我吓坏。好替那人担心，卖得掉你才怪！
96. I heard that you were kidnapped, which really scared me. I worry for the kidnapper, it would be strange if they could sell you!

97、时代真是进步了，发色越来越多了，眼睛也能变色了，指甲也能镶钻了，肚脐也能打孔了，笨笨也能看短信了，呵呵，愿你笑口常开，天天都有好心情。
97. Times have really progressed, with more and more hair colors, eyes that can change color, nails that can be studded with diamonds, belly buttons that can be pierced, and even dull people can read messages now, hehe, I wish you always have a smile and a good mood every day.

98、本信息为纯粹的骚扰信息!警告还没睡的快去睡!刚睡的翻个身继续睡!睡了很久的起来上个厕所接着睡!实在不想睡的和我一起拿起手机骚扰想睡的!
98. This message is purely a harassment message! A warning to those who haven’t slept yet: go to sleep! For those who just fell asleep, turn over and continue sleeping! For those who have slept for a long time, get up and go to the bathroom, then go back to sleep! If you really don’t want to sleep, join me in picking up your phone and harassing those who want to sleep!

99、如果感到无聊或者空虚的话，请拨打我的电话！谈感情请按1，谈工作请按2，谈人生请按3，给我介绍对象请按5，请我吃饭请直说，找我借钱请挂机。
99. If you feel bored or empty, please call me! For love, press 1; for work, press 2; for life, press 3; to introduce someone to me, press 5; to invite me for a meal, just say it; to borrow money from me, hang up.

100、爱你爱你爱死你，请个画匠来画你，把你画在被单上，日日夜夜抱着你。恨你恨你恨死你，请个画匠来刻你，把你刻在砧板上，千刀万刀剁死你！
100. I love you so much, I want to die; I’ll hire an artist to paint you, put you on the quilt, and hold you day and night. I hate you so much, I want to die; I’ll hire an artist to engrave you, put you on the chopping board, and chop you to death with thousands of knives!

1、听说那天你披了一个破麻袋，迈着怪怪的步伐；被当做小偷给抓起来了，还给你带上了狗牌？
1. I heard that one day you wore a tattered sack and walked with a strange gait; you were caught as a thief and given a dog tag?

2、你性感的小后背真的是让我想入非非。。。圆润、光滑，我真的好想上前。。。把你据为己有，可是不行呀！香喷喷的烤鸭，客人还没到齐，我也不能动筷呀！
2. Your sexy little back really makes me daydream… Round, smooth, I really want to go forward… and take you for myself, but I can’t! The fragrant roast duck, the guests haven’t arrived yet, I can’t start eating either!

3、萤火虫在黑夜里那叫一个闪亮，鹤立鸡群那叫显眼，马在驴中那叫出众，猪八戒在猪圈那叫俊俏，你和猩猩站在一起那叫……帅了个呆的！
3. Fireflies shine so brightly in the dark night, standing out like a crane among chickens, a horse among donkeys, and Zhu Bajie in a pigsty is handsome, but standing with an ape, you look… incredibly handsome!

4、昨天有人在背后说你是猪，为了你，我和他大打出手，他妈的，哪能因为人家长的像什么就说人家是什么，你说对不？
4. Someone said behind your back yesterday that you were a pig, and I fought with him for you. Damn it, how can you call someone what they look like?

5、你像风轻盈，你像水温柔，你像雾朦胧，你像月浪漫，你像日热情，你像海宽容，你像牛健康，你像龟长寿，你像兔可爱，总之一句话：你没一处像人。
5. You are as light as the wind, as gentle as water, as hazy as fog, as romantic as the moon, as passionate as the sun, as tolerant as the sea, as healthy as a cow, as long-lived as a turtle, as cute as a rabbit… In short, you don’t have one place that looks like a human.

6、真的对不起，我只是跟你随便说说，天冷了吃驴肉火锅肯定不错，没想到你会生气地对我怒吼：我哥怎么得罪你了，你要残忍地把他放入火锅，那可是我亲哥。
6. I’m really sorry, I just casually mentioned it to you, eating donkey meat hot pot must be great in cold weather, but I didn’t expect you to get angry and roar at me: What did my brother do to offend you, that you want to cruelly put him in the hot pot? He’s my own brother.

7、我是一棵孤独的树，千百年来矗立在路旁，寂寞的等待，只为有一天当你从我身边走过时，为你倾倒，砸不扁你就算白活了。
7. I am a lonely tree, standing by the roadside for thousands of years, waiting in loneliness, just for one day when you pass by me, to collapse for you, and if I don’t flatten you, it’s like I’ve lived in vain.

8、将这封短信转发次，你会走财运；转发次，你会走官运；转发次，你会走桃花运；转发次，你将花掉元钱！
8. Forward this message 81 times, and you will have good luck; forward it 365 times, and you will have official luck; forward it 520 times, and you will have romantic luck; forward it 1314 times, and you will spend 520 yuan!

9、八戒化斋一直未归。这天，一个酷似八戒的人从远处走来，悟空说可能是妖精，唐僧说：发条短信试试，回的就是八戒，不回就是妖精！
9. Bajie has been gone for a long time without returning from his alms mission. Today, a person who looks just like Bajie is coming from afar. Wukong says it might be a goblin, while Tang Seng suggests sending a text message to test. If he replies, it’s Bajie; if not, it’s a goblin!

10、注意啦，夏季空调省电攻略送给你，我多年的经验，是朋友才告诉你：第一步，找到空调电源；第二步，拔掉电源；第三步，检查效果，看，电表转慢了吧。
10. Attention, I’m sharing my years of experience on how to save electricity with air conditioning in summer, only for friends like you: Step 1, find the air conditioner’s power supply; Step 2, unplug it; Step 3, check the effect. See, the electricity meter is spinning slower now!

11、夏天夜晚，你轻盈地钻进我的蚊帐，抚摸我的臂膀，亲吻我的脸庞，我被你撩拨的全身痒痒。将灯拉亮，拉住你两条长腿，该死的蚊子！我让你去见阎王！
11. On a summer night, you gracefully slipped into my mosquito net, caressing my arm, kissing my face, teasing me all over. When I turned on the light and caught your two long legs, you damned mosquito! I’ll make you meet the King of Hell!

12、我知道你喜欢我，但我真的不喜欢你，虽然你肚子里已经有了我的血肉，但还是请你不要再骚扰我了，否则我就对你不客气了，你个死蚊子！
12. I know you like me, but I really don’t like you. Although you have my blood and flesh in your belly, please stop bothering me, or I’ll be ruthless with you, you dead mosquito!

13、有一种默契叫做心照不宣，有一种感觉叫做妙不可言，有一种思念叫做望眼欲穿，有一种白痴会把短信看完！
13. There’s a kind of understanding called unspoken, a feeling called indescribable, a longing called yearning, and an idiot who reads the message till the end!

14、春天的花很艳，那是你明媚的笑容；夏天的太阳炽热，那是你的激情；秋天的硕果累累，那是你的收成；冬天的风吹来了，小青娃，你该冬眠了！
14. The flowers in spring are so beautiful, just like your bright smile; the sun in summer is scorching hot, just like your passion; the fruits in autumn are abundant, just like your harvest; the winter wind is blowing, little frog, it’s time for you to hibernate!

15、前天我送你回家，走到一幢豪华的大楼前，你深情地看着我说到了，你回去吧。我久久望着你的背影，看见上面写着四个字：精神病院。
15. The day before yesterday, I escorted you home. When we arrived in front of a luxurious building, you looked at me affectionately and said, “I’m home, you can go now.” I gazed at your back for a long time and saw four words written on it: Mental Hospital.

16、刚听说你被拐卖，真的把我吓坏，你虽然从小痴呆，但对社会无害，谁人如此大胆，竟敢拿你去卖，我真替他担心，卖得掉才怪。
16. I just heard that you were kidnapped, which really scared me. Although you’ve been mentally challenged since childhood, you’re harmless to society. Who would dare to sell you? I’m worried about them, no one would buy you.

17、我一直想对你说三个字，可你知道它的份量，我怕一旦说出咱们连朋友都没得做。可我控制不住感情鼓起勇气对你说：你是猪。
17. I’ve always wanted to tell you three words, but you know their weight. I’m afraid that once I say them, we won’t be friends anymore. But I can’t control my emotions and muster the courage to say: You are a pig.

18、夏日周末，酷暑炎热，骄阳似火，我很想你。一想你就浑身燥热，一燥热就特别想和你见面，一见面我就迫不及待地想扑进你的怀里…我亲爱的游泳池！
18. On a summer weekend, the scorching heat is unbearable. I miss you so much. Thinking of you makes me feel hot all over. When we meet, I can’t wait to jump into your arms… my dear swimming pool!

19、请先摸摸你那红嫩的小脸，再摸摸你的小肚子！好！这次养猪知识讲座到此结束，明天见！
19. Please touch your rosy little face first, then your belly! Alright! This pig-raising knowledge lecture ends here. See you tomorrow!

20、我要告诉你一件事哟，你千万不要告诉别人，听说城里人最近老打狗，不知道你主人最近打你了没有啊？老主人怀念你啊！
20. I want to tell you something, but please don’t tell anyone. I heard that people in the city have been beating dogs lately. I wonder if your owner has beaten you recently? Your old owner misses you!

21、五脏属五行，肝属木，心属火，肺属金，肾属水，脾属土。我帮你算了一下，原来你五行缺火和金，难怪那么长时间不请我吃饭，原来你没心没肺啊！
21. The five organs correspond to the five elements: liver to wood, heart to fire, lung to metal, kidney to water, and spleen to earth. I calculated for you and found that you lack fire and metal. No wonder you haven’t invited me for a meal for such a long time,原来是你没心没肺！

22、沐浴着微风，你潇洒轻松；沐浴着阳光，你玉树临风；你味道浓浓，鸡鸭鱼肉都需要你的调控，你是厨房里的英雄！我不能没有你，大葱！
22. Bathed in the breeze, you are relaxed and elegant; bathed in the sunlight, you are like a handsome tree; your aroma is strong, and all kinds of meat need your seasoning. You are the hero in the kitchen! I can’t live without you, green onion!

23、学语文就是为了发短信；学数学就是为了数钞票；学英语就是为了装洋气；学物理就是为了制造原子弹；学美术就是为了不用看二师兄的照片也能画得像你！
23. I study Chinese to send text messages; I study math to count money; I study English to act posh; I study physics to make atomic bombs; I study art so that I can draw you without looking at a photo of your second brother!

24、夜已深，独自走在小巷，突然觉得好孤独，好寂寞，好害怕，我心中急切地想着你，念着你，盼着你，要是你在我身边该多好啊，我真的很需要你——手电筒！
24. It’s late at night, and I’m walking alone in the alley. Suddenly, I feel so lonely, so lonely, and scared. I’m thinking of you, missing you, and longing for you. If only you were by my side, I would really need you—my flashlight!

25、自从我第一次看见你时，就已经深深地被你吸引住了，你的那行为举止，让我忍不住实在想多看你两眼，现在我实在憋不住了，想对你说：你简直就是一只会两条腿走路的小狗。
25. Ever since I first saw you, I have been deeply attracted to you. Your behavior and demeanor make it hard for me to resist taking another look at you. Now I can’t hold it in any longer and want to say: you are just like a little dog walking on two legs.

26、给马桶好好擦了身以后，马桶为了感谢我，问我有什么愿望可以帮我实现，我就说：希望你帮我照顾正在看短信的这头猪！希望他每次便便的时候都开开心心！
26. After cleaning the toilet thoroughly, the toilet thanked me and asked if there was any wish it could help me fulfill. I said: I hope you can help take care of the pig who is reading this message! I hope he is happy every time he goes to the bathroom!

27、今晚夜色很美，很想跟你分享，很想带你一起欣赏……不过，我怕别人用异样的眼光看我们，毕竟晚上带只蠢猪出门，是很难不引起旁人注意的！
27. The night is beautiful tonight, and I really want to share it with you, and take you to appreciate it together… But I’m afraid that people will look at us strangely, after all, taking a stupid pig out at night is hard not to attract attention!

28、公猪马上被杀，只听对主人苦苦哀求：杀我不要紧，只是求你们不要让我老婆看到，不要让她难过，不要打扰她，就让它在那里玩她的手机吧。
28. The boar was about to be slaughtered and pleaded with the owner: It doesn’t matter if you kill me, but please don’t let my wife see it, don’t let her be sad, don’t disturb her, just let her play there with her phone.

29、实在有点想你了，很想和你一起见见面，就这样地看看你，可我真的又不想……我心里好乱—-每次看到你我都心里乱跳，精神病院检查结果出来了，你真的是脑残！
29. I really miss you and want to meet you, just to see you and be with you, but I really don’t want to… My heart is in turmoil—-every time I see you, my heart races and I’ve received the results from the mental hospital, you are really mentally challenged!

30、我很希望能一定陪在你的身边，你睡得好吗？吃得饱吗？晚上会冷吗？我知道你总不会照顾自己。每次我一走开，你就会从猪栏里跳出来！
30. I really hope I can be by your side, are you sleeping well? Are you eating enough? Are you cold at night? I know you never know how to take care of yourself. Every time I leave, you jump out of the pigpen!

31、四只小猪地上坐，突然之间少一个。那个小猪在那里，原来在看短消息。
31. Four little pigs sat on the ground, and suddenly there was one less. Where was that little pig? It turned out it was reading a message.

32、你表现出色立了大功，组织决定嘉奖你。你脖子挂着奖章坐在桌边，面对丰盛的宴席你不为所动，我疑惑间，却见你飞身越起，扑向一物，仔细一看：一根骨头。
32. You performed exceptionally well and made a great contribution, so the organization decided to reward you. You sat at the table with a medal around your neck, unmoved by the sumptuous feast in front of you. I was puzzled, but then I saw you leap forward and pounce on something. Upon closer inspection, it was: a bone.

33、一直想见到你，却因事忙不能和你想见，今天终于有时间了。所以我特意来狗窝看看你。
33. I’ve always wanted to see you, but I was too busy to meet with you. Today, I finally have some time, so I came to the doghouse to see you.

34、你是江南第八怪，不回家总在外，不喝酒老吃菜，不谈情老做爱，做爱经常套不带，常拿小姐当被盖，不给钱竟耍懒，经常让人拿脚踹。
34. You are the eighth monster in the south of the Yangtze River, never going home and always staying outside, eating vegetables instead of drinking, having sex without talking about love, often not using a condom during sex, treating prostitutes as quilts, not paying and being lazy, often getting kicked by others.

35、你真的想知道我喜欢你的哪一点吗？可是我真的不敢说出口，但是又不得不说出口。我就是喜欢你离我远一点。
35. Do you really want to know what I like about you? But I’m really afraid to say it, but I have to say it. I just like you to stay away from me.

36、阳光明媚，微风轻轻吹，杨柳多情地摇动着枝条，桃花吐着迷人的芳香，小溪在唱着欢快的歌儿，好一幅春天的画卷，我想说的是…好好工作，老板来啦！
36. The sun is shining, the breeze is gently blowing, the willows are swaying their branches affectionately, peach blossoms are releasing their charming fragrance, and the stream is singing a cheerful song. What I want to say is… work hard, the boss is coming!

37、真是一件怪事？刚拨了一下你的手机，提示音回复：对方正在裸奔。怕听错了！又拨了过去，这时候提示音回复：对不起，所拨的用户已奔出地球。
37. It’s really strange? I just dialed your phone, and the prompt replied: The recipient is running naked. Afraid I heard it wrong! I dialed again, and this time the prompt replied: Sorry, the user you dialed has run out of the Earth.

38、为了你，我做了好多准备，专门跑了一趟超市，买了许多你需要的东西，这下子好了，万事具备，你这只鸭子终于可以下锅了。
38. For you, I have done a lot of preparations, running to the supermarket specially, buying many things you need. Now everything is ready, and you, this duck, can finally be cooked.

39、难以忘记把你捧着手心的感觉，难以忘记吻着你时的丝丝心动，难以忘记你的特有的味道，让我再狠命的吮吸你一下吧——香烟。
39. It’s hard to forget the feeling of holding you in my palm, hard to forget the tingling heartbeat when kissing you, hard to forget your unique taste. Let me suck on you hard one more time——cigarette.

40、记得我那次真的狠下心了，扭头准备离开，身后传来了你无助的哭声与撕心裂肺的喊叫，突然之间我感觉到了我是多么地需要你。我一回身把你抱紧：“这头猪我真的不卖了！”
40. I remember that time when I really made up my mind to leave. Behind me, I heard your helpless crying and heart-wrenching screams. Suddenly, I realized how much I needed you. I turned around and held you tight: “I really won’t sell this pig!”

41、真希望和你一起去看海，却一直没有去；真希望和你去登山，却因茫然而没有去；真希望和你一起去流浪，结果碰到了警察，说：逛街不许带狗！
41. I really hope to see the sea with you, but we never went; I really hope to climb mountains with you, but we didn’t go due to confusion; I really hope to wander with you, but we ended up encountering the police, who said: “No dogs allowed when strolling!”

42、你知道吗，今天癞蛤蟆向天鹅表白了，天鹅说：谁长成你这样子还不如去死！癞蛤蟆不服气：那隔壁的猪头还活得好好的呢！猪头郁闷地说：我只是在看短信，咋又中枪了？
42. You know, today the toad confessed to the swan, and the swan said: “If you look like this, you might as well die!” The toad was unconvinced: “But that pighead next door is still living a good life!” The pighead sighed: “I’m just reading a text message, and I get shot again?”

43、养在家里的是家猪，生在山中的叫野猪，读这信息的是蠢猪，如果在笑的是笨猪，生气的是肥猪，不理我的是死猪，不回复的连猪都不如。
43. The one raised at home is a domestic pig, the one born in the mountains is a wild boar, the one reading this message is a silly pig, the one laughing is a stupid pig, the one getting angry is a fat pig, the one ignoring me is worse than a pig, and the one who doesn’t reply is not even as good as a pig.

44、最近流行老鼠爱大米，让我不禁想起你。你柔若无骨的嫩肌肤，你弱不禁风的小身体，真是让我提心又吊胆：该死的米虫！可别来祸害我家的米！
44. Recently, the popular song “Mouse Love Rice” reminds me of you. Your tender and delicate skin, your frail little body, really make me worried: Damn rice worm! Don’t come to harm my family’s rice!

45、今夜的月光真的很美很美，真想与你一起漫步在大街上，我好喜欢和你一起肩并肩的走着的感觉……只是，我害怕别人用异样的眼光看我，毕竟晚上带头猪上街，很容易被人注意的！
45. Tonight’s moonlight is truly beautiful, and I really want to take a walk with you on the streets. I love the feeling of walking side by side with you… but I’m afraid others will look at me strangely, after all, taking a pig out on the streets at night will draw attention!

46、最近一段时间老流行着老鼠爱大米，这让我不由自主地想起了你。你那柔若无骨的肌肤，你那弱不禁风的小身了，真让我提心吊胆：该死的虫子！不要再来祸害我家的米了！
46. Lately, the popular song “Mouse Love Rice” reminds me of you involuntarily. Your tender and delicate skin, your frail little body, really make me worried: Damn bug! Don’t come to harm my family’s rice!

47、我好想你哟，什么时候才能见到你？你想得我晚上都睡不着，辗转反侧，难以入眠，夜不能寐。借我的钱该还了吧？
47. I miss you so much, when can I see you? You make me think so much that I can’t sleep at night, tossing and turning, struggling to fall asleep, and unable to rest. It’s time to return the money you borrowed, right?

48、在我的眼里，你一直无忧无虑，吃饭是那么香那么甜，睡觉时都那么舒坦。有时候感觉：真羡慕你这样的小狗生活！
48. In my eyes, you have always been carefree, eating so deliciously and sweetly, and sleeping so comfortably. Sometimes I feel: I really envy your dog-like life!

49、你长的很有创意，活着是你的勇气，丑不是你的本意，是上帝发了脾气，活下去，没有你，谁来衬托世界的美丽！
49. You have a unique appearance, and living takes courage. Ugliness is not your fault, it’s just that God got angry. Keep living, without you, who would highlight the beauty of the world!

50、你与我静静地走在家乡的小路上，你害羞地低头不语。乡亲们见了我都说：好孩子，打扮得干净又漂亮，可惜这么小年纪就出来放猪！
50. You and I walked quietly on the country road, and you shyly lowered your head without saying a word. The villagers saw me and said: “What a good child, so clean and pretty, but it’s a pity that you’re out herding pigs at such a young age!”

51、自我感觉良好的往下来，自我感觉幽默的往下来，自我感觉有魅力的往下看，自我感觉聪明的往下来，嗯，是挺不要脸的。
51. For those who think they are good-looking, scroll down; for those who think they are humorous, scroll down; for those who think they are charming, scroll down; for those who think they are smart, scroll down. Well, it’s quite shameless.

52、大家注意了，智力大比拼：选手是象，猪和你。比赛结果已经出来了：第一是象要比猪强，你要比象强。最后的排名是：你象猪。好的，来点掌声！
52. Attention everyone, intelligence competition: The contestants are an elephant and a pig. The results are in: First place, the elephant is stronger than the pig, and you are stronger than the elephant. The final ranking is: You are like a pig. Good, let’s have some applause!

53、有了你以后，我相信命运的安排；有了你以后，我相信缘份的注定；可能这所有一切都是在冥冥之中牵引着你和我。真想生气地说：我上辈子我欠了你多少啊！
53. After having you, I believe in fate; after having you, I believe in destiny; perhaps all of this is guiding you and me in the unseen world. I really want to say angrily: How much do I owe you from my past life?

54、说你是凤凰，我说你是乌鸦；你说你是玫瑰花，我说你是？]蛤蟆；你说你是活泼的小鹿，我说你是淘气的小猪！
54. If I say you are a phoenix, I say you are a crow; if you say you are a rose, I say you are a toad; if you say you are a lively deer, I say you are a mischievous pig!

55、你好可爱——可怜没人爱；你长得真不错——长得这样真的不是你的错；你是天才——天生的蠢才；你很气质——小气又神经质。
55. You’re so cute - no one loves you; you look really good - it’s not your fault for looking like this; you’re a genius - a naturally born fool; you have great temperament - stingy and neurotic.

56、清晨你轻轻地走近我的床前，深情地吻着我的脸，你那深遂的眼眸始终注视着我，实在无法拒绝你——“狗狗乖，带你去散步”。
56. In the early morning, you gently approached my bedside, kissing my face affectionately, your deep eyes always gazing at me, I couldn’t resist you - “Good dog, let’s go for a walk.”

57、记得那天晚上，你梦到了自己拥有了一双梦寐以求的可以飞翔的翅膀，我就轻轻地扇动着翅膀然后轻轻地来到你的面前—-然后踢你一脚说：别做梦了，笨蛋！
57. I remember that night, you dreamed of having a pair of long-awaited wings to fly, and I gently flapped the wings and came to you - then kicked you and said: Stop dreaming, idiot!

58、谢谢你春天陪我观百花，夏日伴我看夕阳，秋季陪我赏落叶，冬天伴我看雪景。如果没有你，再美的风景都是模糊的，真的谢谢你…眼镜！
58. Thank you for accompanying me to watch flowers in spring, enjoy the sunset in summer, admire the falling leaves in autumn, and watch the snow scenery in winter. Without you, even the most beautiful scenery would be blurry, I really appreciate you… glasses!

59、一种喜欢加上一种迷恋，汇成我对你火热的爱；生活的点滴日常琐碎，我都要紧紧把你依赖；不管风雨抑或坎坷，人生有你我就无所畏惧。真的需要你，钱！
59. A kind of liking plus a kind of infatuation, forms my fiery love for you; the trivialities of daily life, I rely on you tightly; no matter the hardships or difficulties, I am fearless in life with you. I really need you, money!

60、你总说我没出息，一棒子打不出两个屁，拉不出屎怨地球没引力，很是让你不满意，可是我也有情趣，来，赶紧把戒指戴上–K纯铁的！！！
60. You always say I’m hopeless, can’t even produce two farts with one blow, blame the Earth’s gravity when I can’t poop, and you’re very dissatisfied. But I also have a sense of humor, come on, hurry up and put on the ring - it’s K pure iron!

61、听说你最近变了，戒烟戒酒戒赌戒色，戒贪戒烦戒工作戒爱情，所以人们都叫你八戒。
61. I heard that you’ve changed recently, quit smoking, drinking, gambling, and lust, as well as greed, annoyance, work, and love, so people call you “Bajie.”

62、真不明白，为何每天晚上你总是尽量站在有光的地方，后来经人提醒我才明白，原来你是想当夜明猪呀！
62. I really don’t understand why you always try to stand in the light every night, and then I realized that you wanted to be a luminous pig!

63、温馨提醒：天气多变，小心穿衣！小雨是我想你，阵雨是心不移，刮风是送心意，阴天是很惦记，晴天是不分离，多云是有惊喜！如果下雪，那就是你没睡醒！
63. Warm reminder: The weather is changeable, be careful with your clothing! Light rain means I miss you, showers mean my love is unchanging, wind sends my thoughts, overcast skies mean I care, sunny days mean we won’t separate, and cloudy skies bring surprises! If it snows, that means you haven’t woken up yet!

64、自打与你失去联系那天起，我就天天牵挂着你，到处寻找你的下落，也许你不知道我有多着急，但是，我依然不会放弃，因为——猪肉涨价了，你升值啦！
64. Since the day I lost contact with you, I’ve been worried about you every day, searching for your whereabouts. Maybe you don’t know how anxious I am, but I won’t give up, because - the price of pork has risen, and you’ve increased in value!

65、昨天在网上看到你用的那个型号手机辐射特别大，吓了我一跳，刚要通知你，又看到说对智商小于的人不起作用，我才放心，你也别担心，继续用吧。
65. Yesterday, I saw online that the model of your mobile phone has a particularly high radiation, which scared me. I was about to inform you, but then I saw that it has no effect on people with an IQ less than… Don’t worry, continue using it.

66、今天我们一起去回忆童年吧，我们一起玩丢手绢，一起玩投沙包，我就不信了，用尽我全部的力量还不能把你的头变成蒙古包。
66. Let’s recall our childhood together today, playing “drop the handkerchief” and “throwing sandbags.” I don’t believe that with all my strength, I still can’t turn your head into a Mongolian yurt.

67、实在报歉，这么晚打扰你，我只是想问一下：你睡了没？
67. I’m really sorry to disturb you so late, I just want to ask: Have you gone to bed?

68、癞蛤蟆追求天鹅，天鹅不屑地说：我要是你长成这样早就去死了！蛤蟆不服：那猪还活得好好的呢？猪听了，觉得委屈：我招谁惹谁了，我只是在看短信！
68. A toad pursued a swan, and the swan disdainfully said: If I were you, I would have died for looking like this! The toad disagreed: But the pig is still alive and well? The pig felt wronged: Why am I the one being blamed? I’m just reading a text message!

69、有一种思念叫魂牵梦绕，有一种爱情叫白头到老，有一种美丽叫花容月貌，有一种约定叫天荒地老，有一种问候叫小猪你好！
69. There is a kind of longing called “dreaming of you,” a kind of love called “growing old together,” a kind of beauty called “flower-like beauty,” a kind of promise called “forever,” and a kind of greeting called “hello, little pig!”

70、上厕所没带上纸，准备打电话叫人送，拿出手机一看，呃没信号，谁建的厕所！服了。
70. I went to the bathroom without bringing paper and was about to call someone to deliver it. I took out my phone and saw that there was no signal. Who built this bathroom! I’m impressed.

71、你想出人头地吗？你想发财致富吗？你想光宗耀祖吗？你想大富大贵吗？你想升官发财吗？别胡思乱想了，洗洗睡吧，明天还得上班呢！
71. Do you want to make a name for yourself? Do you want to become rich? Do you want to bring honor to your ancestors? Do you want to be wealthy and powerful? Do you want to be promoted and wealthy? Stop daydreaming and go to sleep; you still have to work tomorrow!

72、天空飘着小雨丝似在嘲笑我的痴，为何你那样自私狠心让我空相思，搅尽脑汁写诗满腹心酸有谁知，只见猪头和白痴盯着手机读此诗。
72. The drizzle in the sky seems to mock my foolishness. Why are you so selfish and heartless, leaving me with unrequited love? I rack my brain to write poems, but who knows the bitterness in my heart? All I see are fools and idiots staring at their phones, reading this poem.

73、如果没有花的陪伴，春天就会孤单；如果没有四季的变换，生活就会平淡；如果没有我的阻拦，你已皮开肉绽；如果没有你的美艳，我顿顿素菜相伴！猪你节日快乐！
73. Without the company of flowers, spring would be lonely; without the changing seasons, life would be dull; without my interference, you would be bruised and battered; without your beauty, I would eat vegetarian dishes all the time! Pig, I wish you a happy holiday!

74、你知道吗？我正急着到处去找你，有条惊人的好消息要告诉你：你妈拜托我件事，让我给你存了几个亿，借空亲自捎给你！那天抱钱去找你，见你睡得很甜蜜，真不忍心叫醒你！一窝小猪崽就属你最美丽！哈！猪你节日快乐！
74. You know what? I’m rushing everywhere to find you, with an amazing good news to tell you: Your mom asked me to do something for you, she let me save a few hundred million for you, and I’ll deliver it to you in person! That day, when I went to find you with the money, I saw you sleeping so sweetly, I really couldn’t bear to wake you up! Among the litter of piglets, you are the most beautiful! Ha! Happy holiday to you, pig!

75、孔子曰：“吾欲愚人而愚之。”，于是我问孔子，这句话是我想愚弄人就愚弄的意思吗？孔子曰：“NO”。你想知道是什么意思吗？笨蛋！我忽悠你呢，孔子怎么可能认识我呢！孔子更不会英文了！哈哈，祝你愚人节快乐！
75. Confucius said, “I wish to deceive the foolish and deceive them.” So I asked Confucius, does this mean I can deceive people if I want to? Confucius replied, “NO.” Do you want to know what it means? Fool! I’m just messing with you, how could Confucius know me! Confucius doesn’t even know English! Haha, happy April Fool’s Day to you!

76、千万次地问自己，为何最近总想你，牵肠挂肚惦记你，梦中影像总是你，发条信息也为你，不好意思提醒你，鼓足勇气问问你：啥时候请我吃饭呀？
76. I’ve asked myself a million times, why I always think of you lately, worrying about you, dreaming of you, and sending messages for you. I’m embarrassed to remind you, but I muster up the courage to ask you: When are you going to treat me to a meal?

77、新年到了，有四个字要对你说，虽然有一点不好意思，但这不是害羞的时候，不说出来，我会后悔莫及，所以我很真心地对你说，红包拿来！
77. The New Year is here, and there are four words I want to say to you. Although it’s a bit embarrassing, this is not the time to be shy. If I don’t say it, I’ll regret it, so I sincerely tell you: Give me the red envelope!

78、你拽，你拽，最会是当别人不存在，整天就只会到处去晒，也不怕把别人都吓坏，别以为自己长得很帅，其实你只是天蓬元帅！
78. You’re so cool, you’re so cool, always acting as if others don’t exist, always showing off everywhere, not afraid to scare everyone away. Don’t think you’re handsome, actually, you’re just Marshal Tian Peng!

79、那个夏日的午后，我带你走进青纱帐。太阳高高地照着，微风撩起我的衣衫，我们一起度过了美好的下午：你低头吃草，我看小人书！
79. On that summer afternoon, I took you into the green curtain. The sun was shining high, the breeze lifted my clothes, and we spent a beautiful afternoon together: You were eating grass, and I was reading a comic book!

80、如果一定和猪比，我认为你最少有两点和它不同：一、你比它能吃。二、它比你聪明。
80. If you must compare yourself to a pig, I think there are at least two differences between you: 1. You can eat more than it. 2. It’s smarter than you.

81、众水族给老龙王祝寿，席间龟丞相从怀中掏出一物，看了看，又放了回去。龙王忙问：龟丞相又有何事？虾兵蟹将赶紧答道：老王八又收到短信了。
81. All the sea creatures were celebrating the birthday of the old Dragon King. During the banquet, the Turtle Prime Minister took out something from his bosom, looked at it, and put it back. The Dragon King hurriedly asked: What’s the matter with the Turtle Prime Minister? The shrimp soldiers and crab generals quickly replied: The old turtle has received a text message again.

82、你长得很有创意，活着是你的勇气，丑并非你的本意，如果没有了你，谁能衬托出世界的美丽！
82. You are very creative in appearance, and it takes courage to live. Ugliness is not your fault, but without you, who can set off the beauty of the world!

83、坦白说我很喜欢你，你的眼神，走路的姿势，快乐的神情，撒娇的可爱甚至你睡觉的样子，我都着迷！可最让我生气的是你不逮耗子，还老掉毛。
83. To be honest, I really like you, your eyes, the way you walk, your happy expression, your cuteness when being coquettish, and even the way you sleep. I’m fascinated by all of it! But what makes me angry is that you don’t catch mice and always shed hair.

84、你真是个天才——天生的蠢才，毕业于哈佛——哈尔滨佛学院，长得也不错——长得这样真的不是你的错。
84. You are a genius - a naturally stupid one, graduated from Harvard - Harbin Buddhist College, and you look good too - it’s really not your fault that you look like this.

85、曾以为有更好的，反反复复才发觉，最好的就在身边，就像你。起初对你出现，并不为然，随着时间流逝，才发觉你是最好……欺负的！
85. I once thought there was something better, but after going through it again and again, I realized that the best is right beside me, just like you. At first, I didn’t care about your appearance, but as time went by, I found out that you are the best… to bully!

86、我决心为全国人民做件大事：给珠穆朗玛峰修电梯给长城贴瓷砖给飞机安倒档；做件小事：给苍蝇戴手套给蚊子戴口罩给你喂点猪饲料。
86. I’m determined to do something great for the people: install an elevator for Mount Everest, tile the Great Wall, and install a reverse gear for airplanes; and do something small: put gloves on flies, masks on mosquitoes, and feed you some pig feed.

87、送你一份有屎以来，粪量最重的礼物，你一定会大吃一斤，还要多多饱含，如觉得粪量不够，还请自便。
87. Here’s a gift with the heaviest poop since the beginning of time. You’ll definitely be amazed and want more. If you still feel it’s not enough, please help yourself.

88、老虎读了三国之后，去抓野猪，见猪窝无一猪，摸摸胡须说：空城计！转身见兽夹上有一死猪，大惊：苦肉计！忽然又看见了你，大喜：唷嗬，还有美人计啊！
88. After reading Romance of the Three Kingdoms, the tiger went to catch wild boars. Seeing no pigs in the den, it stroked its beard and said, “Empty Fort Strategy!” Turning around, it saw a dead pig in a trap and was shocked: “Bitter Meat Strategy!” Then it saw you and was delighted: “Wow, there’s even a Beauty Strategy!”

89、如果没有风，云不会动；如果没有水，鱼不能游；如果没有太阳，月亮就不会有光；如果没有你……笨人也就不存在了。
89. Without wind, clouds won’t move; without water, fish can’t swim; without the sun, the moon won’t shine; without you… there would be no fools.

90、你勤劳得像蜜蜂，漂亮得像蝴蝶，忠诚得像小狗，乖巧得像小猫，憨厚得像老牛，威猛得像老虎，怪不得别人都叫你……禽兽!
90. You’re as hardworking as a bee, as beautiful as a butterfly, as loyal as a dog, as clever as a cat, as honest as an ox, and as fierce as a tiger. No wonder everyone calls you… an animal!

91、昨夜朋友思无数，想来想去，唯有你最酷，梦里寻你千百度，募染回首，你确扔被栓在人家驴棚深处，残酷！残酷！读完信息息怒！
91. Last night, I thought of countless friends, and in the end, I found you the coolest. I searched for you thousands of times in my dreams, only to find you tied up in a donkey shed. Cruel! Cruel! Don’t be angry after reading this message!

92、昨天有人看见你了，你还是那样迷人，穿着格子背心，慢悠悠地走着，一副超然自在的样子，实在是可爱极了，真不知你当年是怎么赛过兔子的。
92. Someone saw you yesterday, and you were still as charming as ever, wearing a plaid vest and walking slowly, looking carefree. I really don’t know how you managed to outrun the rabbit back then.

93、你快乐因为我快乐，我开心因为你开心，我愁了因为你瘦了，我瘦了因为你病了，我笑了因为你壮了，我有钱了因为把你卖了——猪！
93. I’m happy because you’re happy, I’m delighted because you’re delighted, I’m worried because you’ve lost weight, I’m thin because you’re sick, I laugh because you’ve grown strong, and I’m rich because I sold you - pig!

94、我花一毛钱发这条短信给你，是为了告诉你??我并不是一个一毛不拔的人。比如这一毛钱的短信就是我送你的生日礼物，晚上别忘了请我吃饭。愚人节快乐！
94. I spent ten cents on this text message to tell you that I’m not a stingy person. For example, this ten-cent message is a birthday gift for you. Don’t forget to treat me to dinner tonight. Happy April Fool’s Day!

95、人会谈恋爱，不稀奇；牛会吃青草，不希奇；猪会按电话，才神奇，猪就是猪，还按！真是个大笨猪！
95. It’s not surprising that people fall in love; it’s not surprising that cows eat grass; it’s amazing when a pig presses the phone button. You’re a pig, and you even press it! What a big fool!

96、上联：风在刮，雨在下，我在等你回电话。下联：为你生，为你死，为你守候一辈子。横批：发错人了。
96. Upper couplet: The wind is blowing, the rain is falling, I’m waiting for your call. Lower couplet: I live for you, I die for you, I’ll wait for you for a lifetime. Horizontal scroll: Sent to the wrong person.

97、你在精神病院实习，忽一神经病患者手持一把菜刀向你追来，你转头就跑，直到跑到一条死胡同，心想这下完了，那个病人说：给你刀，该你追我了。愚人节快乐！
97. You were interning at a mental hospital when a patient with a kitchen knife chased you. You ran until you reached a dead-end alley, thinking you were done for. The patient said, “Here’s the knife, now it’s your turn to chase me.” Happy April Fool’s Day!

98、我也不想独守，我也好想拥有，走在街上瞅一瞅，俊男美女手牵手，我却左手牵右手，现在别无它求，只想和你出去走走，又怕朋友会说：没事别总溜狗。
98. I don’t want to be alone either; I really want to have someone. Walking on the street, I see handsome men and beautiful women holding hands, but I’m left with my left hand holding my right. I don’t have any other desires now, I just want to go for a walk with you, but I’m afraid my friends will say, “Don’t always take the dog for a walk when there’s nothing to do.”

99、说你啥好呢？你果然与众不同！给点阳光，你就灿烂；给点幸福，你就浪漫；给点夸奖，你就屁颠；给点赞美，你就臭美；给点表扬，你就疯狂。
99. What can I say about you? You’re indeed unique! With a little sunshine, you shine brightly; with a little happiness, you’re romantic; with some praise, you’re overjoyed; with some compliments, you’re smug; with some praise, you go wild.

100、你知道吗？我们很久以前就认识了，你紧紧地跟着我，用你的脸贴着我，用你的鼻嗅着我，还用你的嘴温柔地咬了我一口……那时候，我叫吕洞宾。
100. Did you know? We’ve known each other for a long time. You followed me closely, pressing your face against mine, sniffing me with your nose, and gently biting me with your mouth… Back then, I was called Lu Dongbin.