1、传统的男人结婚前很清纯，结婚后开始乱搞；现代的男人结婚前乱搞，结婚后变得老实。
1. Traditional men are pure before marriage, but start messing around after marriage; modern men mess around before marriage, but become honest after marriage.

2、男人和老婆的关系再差，他和岳母的关系也是好的；女人和老公的关系再好，她和婆婆的关系也是差的。
2. No matter how bad a man’s relationship with his wife is, his relationship with his mother-in-law is good; no matter how good a woman’s relationship with her husband is, her relationship with her mother-in-law is poor.

3、男人没赚到钱时女人着急，男人赚到钱时女人后悔。
3. When a man doesn’t make money, women worry; when a man makes money, women regret it.

4、一脚揣不出你屎来，算你拉的干净！
4. If I can’t kick your poop out, then you’ve pooped clean!

5、最丢脸是和几个同学讨论薪水，原以为他们说的是年薪，后来才发现他们说的都是月薪……
5. The most embarrassing thing is discussing salaries with classmates, thinking they’re talking about annual salaries, only to find out they’re talking about monthly salaries…

6、不怕美女把我当色狼，就怕丑女把我当流氓。
6. I’m not afraid of beautiful women treating me like a wolf, I’m afraid of ugly women treating me like a rogue.

7、人不狠，站不稳！人不损，不标准！人不坏，死的快。
7. If a person isn’t ruthless, they can’t stand firm! If they aren’t critical, they aren’t up to standard! If they aren’t bad, they die quickly.

8、你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气是在受不了啊。
8. You might as well let me kneel on the washboard, I can’t stand kneeling on the electric heater!

9、天哪！我的衣服又瘦了。
9. Oh my God! My clothes have shrunk again.

10、叶子的离开是因为风的追求还是树的不挽留？
10. Is the leaf’s departure due to the wind’s pursuit or the tree’s failure to hold on?

11、废话是人际关系的第一句。
11. Nonsense is the first sentence of interpersonal relationships.

12、男人把女朋友托付给自己的哥们照顾，最后女朋友成了哥们的老婆，哥们照当；女人把男朋友托付给姐们照顾，结果姐们成了男朋友的老婆，姐们也当不成了。
12. When a man entrusts his girlfriend to his buddy for care, in the end, the girlfriend becomes the buddy’s wife, and the buddy remains; when a woman entrusts her boyfriend to her friend for care, the result is her friend becomes the boyfriend’s wife, and the friend can’t be one anymore.

13、我的领带又找不到了，是不是你昨天又没有找到抹布？
13. I can’t find my tie again, did you not find a rag yesterday either?

14、参加选美的那些女人，都找不到好男人，因为好男人都结婚了，比如我。
14. Those women who participate in beauty pageants can’t find good men, because good men are all married, like me.

15、一想到祖国没统一就忍不着想抽烟…
15. The thought of our motherland not being unified makes me want to smoke…

16、如果我做了皇帝，就封你当太子！
16. If I become an emperor, I’ll make you the crown prince!

17、玫瑰真便宜，都可以送老婆了。
17. Roses are so cheap now, they can even be given to wives.

18、只要锄头舞的好，那有墙角挖不倒？
18. As long as you dance the hoe well, there’s no corner that can’t be dug down.

19、人又不聪敏，还学别人秃顶。
19. If you’re not smart, don’t imitate others by going bald.

20、绑不住我的心就不要说我花心。
20. If you can’t bind my heart, don’t say I’m flirtatious.

21、我就是巴黎欧莱雅，你值得拥有。
21. I am L’Oréal Paris, you deserve it.

22、如果我能原谅你的庸俗，你能容忍我的装逼吗？
22. If I can forgive your vulgarity, can you tolerate my pretentiousness?

23、你不是仙人掌，又何必那么坚强。
23. You’re not a cactus, why be so strong?

24、保护自己，爱护他人，请不要半夜出来吓人。
24. Protect yourself and care for others, please don’t come out in the middle of the night to scare people.

25、女人最爱两种花，一是有钱花，二是尽量花。
25. Women love two kinds of flowers: one is spending money, and the other is trying to spend as much as possible.

26、干掉熊猫，我就是国宝。
26. Get rid of the panda, and I’ll be the national treasure.

27、别和我谈理想，戒了！
27. Don’t talk to me about ideals, I’ve quit!

28、跌倒了，爬起来再哭。
28. If you fall, get up and cry again.

29、低调才是最牛B的炫耀。
29. Being low-key is the most impressive way to show off.

30、清明节，买朵鲜花，祭奠那死去的爱情。
30. On Qingming Festival, buy a fresh flower to commemorate the dead love.

31、我曾经跟一个人无数次的擦肩而过，衣服都擦破了，也没擦出火花。
31. I once passed by a person countless times, and my clothes were worn out, but no sparks were created.

32、不要同一个傻瓜争辩、否则别人会搞不清到底谁是傻瓜。
32. Don’t argue with a fool, or others won’t be able to tell who the fool is.

33、脑袋空不要紧、关键是不要进水。
33. It doesn’t matter if your head is empty, as long as it doesn’t get water inside.

34、知道你过的不好，我就安心了。
34. Knowing you’re not doing well makes me feel at ease.

35、点的是烟，抽的却是寂寞。
35. What you light is a cigarette, but what you’re smoking is loneliness.

36、不是你不笑，一笑粉就掉。
36. It’s not that you don’t smile, it’s just that when you do, your makeup falls off.

37、再完美的身材，在不爱她的人的眼里，也是一种解调侃的作料。
37. No matter how perfect the figure is, in the eyes of someone who doesn’t love her, it’s just a seasoning for teasing.

38、小树不修不成材、小孩不打不成器。
38. A small tree without pruning will not become useful wood, and a child without discipline will not grow up well.

39、积累久了，可能的导致爆发；而爆发久了，都可能导致崩溃。
39. Accumulation over time may lead to an explosion, and an explosion over time may lead to collapse.

40、对上要恭、对下要威、对同级要含而不露。
40. Be respectful to your superiors, assertive to your subordinates, and reserved but not revealing towards your peers.

41、再难再苦，就当自己是二百五，再难再险，就当自己是二皮脸。
41. No matter how difficult or bitter it is, just consider yourself as a fool; no matter how dangerous it is, just consider yourself as shameless.

42、到了山顶才发现，错误的路和正确的路就差那么几步的距离。
42. Only when you reach the top of the mountain do you realize that the wrong path and the right path are just a few steps apart.

43、乐观者在灾祸中看到机会，悲观者在机会中看到灾祸。
43. Optimists see opportunities in disasters, while pessimists see disasters in opportunities.

44、没有钱，没有权，再不对你好点，你能跟我？
44. I have no money, no power, and if I don’t treat you well, would you still be with me?

45、上Google去百度一下。
45. Go to Google and search on Baidu.

46、宁和明白人打一架，不跟SB说句话！
46. I’d rather have a fight with someone who understands than talk to an idiot!

47、大女人不可一日无权，小女人不可一日无钱！
47. A strong woman cannot go a day without power, and a weak woman cannot go a day without money!

48、不是我不笑，一笑粉就掉－－！
48. It’s not that I don’t smile; it’s just that my makeup will fall off when I do --!

49、青春献给了房子，中年献给了孩子。
49. I dedicated my youth to buying a house, and my middle age to my children.

50、作弊的方式有两种：一种是抄在纸上的小抄，可能被发现，结果是退学；另一种是抄在脑袋里的小抄，不可能被发现，结果是拿到的是奖学金。
50. There are two types of cheating: one is a cheat sheet written on paper, which may be discovered and results in expulsion; the other is a cheat sheet in your head, which cannot be discovered, and the result is a scholarship.

51、小时候，她父母始终相信女大十八变，丑小鸭会变白天鹅！长大后的某天，爸爸很专注地看着她，然后语重心长地说：“孩子，你还是用功读书吧……”
51. When I was a child, my parents always believed that a girl would change greatly when she grows up, and an ugly duckling would become a white swan! One day after growing up, my father looked at me attentively and said earnestly, “My child, you should study hard…”

52、高中时，班主任常开导我说：“美女多如过江之鲫，你现在只需好好织网！”考上清华后我想拿猴皮筋弹他家玻璃…
52. In high school, the headteacher often advised me, “There are plenty of beautiful girls, like fish crossing the river. Now you just need to weave a good net!” After being admitted to Tsinghua University, I wanted to use a rubber band to break his window…

53、凡是在食堂、自习室、教学楼前当众疯狂接吻的——都是开不起房的！
53. Those who passionately kiss in public places like the cafeteria, study room, and in front of the teaching building are those who can’t afford a room!

54、毕业后有钱没事做，于是去美国麻省挖石油。后来还真挖到了，而且油质特别好，都不用提纯！两年后美孚石油公司起诉我们，说我们挖了他的石油管道……
54. After graduation, I had money and nothing to do, so I went to Massachusetts, USA to dig for oil. I actually found some, and the oil quality was so good that it didn’t need refining! Two years later, Mobil Oil Company sued us, claiming that we had dug up their oil pipeline…

55、毕业后揽一大活儿，完事后能挣三十万，拿图纸一看，盖一40米的烟囱。都盖好了，人家来一看把我狠揍一通！靠，图纸看倒了，人家是让挖一口井……
55. After graduation, I took on a big project that would earn me 300,000 after completion. I looked at the blueprint and it was for a 40-meter chimney. After it was built, they came to check and beat me up! Damn it, I had read the blueprint upside down; they wanted me to dig a well…

56、大学四年没有一个女生问过我路，今天第一次开宝马回母校办点事，结果一会功夫就有五个女生来问路……
56. In my four years of college, no girl ever asked me for directions. Today, I drove a BMW back to my alma mater for some business, and in no time, five girls came to ask for directions…

57、我本有心向明月，奈何明月照沟渠。
57. I had the heart to face the bright moon, but the moon shone on the ditch.

58、我是变态人里最正常的，是正常人里最变态的。
58. I am the most normal among perverts, and the most perverted among normal people.

59、空白是白色的吗？
59. Is blank white?

60、长得丑的女孩子我一般不甩她，但你是个例外。
60. I usually don’t pay attention to ugly girls, but you are an exception.

61、人生没有彩排，每天都是现场直播。
61. There is no rehearsal in life, every day is a live broadcast.

63、没有最贱，只有更贱。
63. There is no such thing as the cheapest, only cheaper.

64、想污染一个地方有两种方法：垃圾，或是钞票！
64. There are two ways to pollute a place: garbage or money!

65、打死你我也不说。
65. I won’t tell you even if you kill me.

66、钱可以解决的问题都不是问题。
66. Problems that can be solved with money are not problems.

67、念了十几年书，还是幼儿园比较好混！
67. After studying for more than ten years, I still think kindergarten is easier to get by in!

68、连广告也信，读书读傻了吧！
68. Believing in advertisements, you must have been foolish from studying too much!

69、再过几十年，我们来相会，送到火葬场，全部烧成灰，你一堆，我一堆，谁也不认识谁，全部送到农村做化肥。
69. In a few decades, we’ll meet again, sent to the crematorium, all burned to ashes, you a pile, me a pile, no one recognizing anyone, all sent to the countryside as fertilizer.

70、拿份报纸上厕所，俺是读书人。
70. Reading a newspaper in the bathroom, I’m a scholar.

71、要我扫地就绝对不刷碗，要我刷碗就绝对不扫地，两样一起做？你当我是外星人啊！
71. If you want me to sweep the floor, I’ll definitely not wash the dishes; if you want me to wash the dishes, I’ll definitely not sweep the floor. Do both? Do you think I’m an alien?

72、下辈子我还找你，因为除了我，你是最傻的。
72. In the next life, I’ll still find you because, besides me, you’re the silliest.

73、争吵的时候，男人和女人的区别像是步枪和机关枪的区别。
73. The difference between men and women during an argument is like the difference between a rifle and a machine gun.

74、爷爷都是从孙子走过来的…
74. Grandfathers were once grandsons…

75、女人拥有无数个QQ号只为了调戏一个男人，男人常用一个QQ号上面加满各种各样的女人…
75. Women have countless QQ accounts just to tease one man, while men often use a single QQ account to add all kinds of different women…

76、不怕虎一样的敌人，就怕猪一样的队友！
76. It’s not the enemy like a tiger that scares me, but the teammate like a pig!

77、银行收费时说：“这符合国际惯例。”服务时却说：“要考虑中国国情。”
77. When banks charge fees, they say, “This is in line with international practice.” But when it comes to service, they say, “We must consider China’s national conditions.”

78、没什么事不要找我，有事更不用找我。
78. Don’t look for me when there’s nothing, and don’t look for me when there’s something.

79、天使之所以会飞，是因为她们把自己看得很轻…
79. Angels can fly because they see themselves as light…

80、拥抱真是个奇怪的东西，明明靠的那么近，却看不见彼此的脸。
80. Hugging is such a strange thing, being so close yet unable to see each other’s faces.

81、房价越来越高，所以，好男人越来越少…
81. Housing prices are getting higher and higher, so good men are becoming fewer and fewer…

82、怎么给MM过一个难忘的生日？先把她爆揍一顿，然后把广州最贵楼盘的房证送上，保证既难忘又惊喜！
82. How to make a memorable birthday for a girl? First, beat her up, and then present her with the deed to the most expensive property in Guangzhou. It’s guaranteed to be unforgettable and surprising!

83、老婆看完几个我在大学交的女友照片后，一个劲地夸我不好色，555……
83. After my wife saw photos of the girlfriends I had in college, she kept praising me for not being a lecher, 555…

84、我花8万买了个西周陶罐，昨儿到《鉴宝》栏目进行鉴定，专家严肃地说：“这哪是西周的？这是上周的！”
84. I spent 80,000 yuan on a Western Zhou pottery jar. Yesterday, I took it to the “Appraisal” column for identification, and the expert said seriously, “This is not from the Western Zhou period. It’s from last week!”

85、最受不了这样的商家——牌子上写道：拆迁，给钱就卖！一件羽绒服我甩给她5块她就是不卖，太欺诈消费者了！
85. I can’t stand such merchants - the sign reads: Demolition, sell for money! I offered her 5 yuan for a down jacket, but she wouldn’t sell it. Such fraud against consumers!

86、年轻时不懂事，经常拉着mm逛街，结果伤害了不少mm；现在不拉了，没想到又伤害不少…
86. When I was young and ignorant, I often took girls shopping, which hurt quite a few. Now that I don’t do that anymore, I没想到又伤害不少…

87、帅有个屁用！到头来还不是被卒吃掉！
87. What’s the use of being handsome? In the end, you are still eaten by a pawn!

88、没有人知道刚刚发生了什么，我已经习惯用微笑掩盖一切…
88. No one knows what just happened. I’m used to covering everything with a smile.

89、没有女人的日子里，我以调戏男人为乐…
89. In the days without a woman, I take pleasure in teasing men…

90、女人会为感情放弃事业，而男人会为了事业放弃感情；女人会被为了感情放弃事业的男人感动，但会留在为了事业放弃感情的男人身边！
90. Women will give up their careers for love, while men will give up love for their careers; women will be moved by men who give up their careers for love, but they will stay with men who give up love for their careers.

91、女人就像书架上的书，虽然你买了她，但在你买之前她多多少少被几个男人翻过。 摘自：励志语录   www.yuluju.com
91. Women are like books on a bookshelf. Although you bought her, she has been flipped through by a few men before you bought her. From: Inspirational Quotes www.yuluju.com

92、现在看来，智商30就能看懂的电影最受欢迎，而喜欢这些电影的80%又都喜欢看韩剧！
92. Now it seems that movies that can be understood by people with an IQ of 30 are the most popular, and 80% of those who like these movies also like watching Korean dramas!

93、我宁愿你抱着别的女人想我，也不愿你抱着我想别的女人。
93. I’d rather you hold another woman and think of me than hold me and think of another woman.

94、QQ上多了，什么企鹅没见过？
94. Having used QQ for so long, I’ve seen all kinds of penguins.

95、下蛋公鸡，公鸡中的战斗鸡。
95. A rooster that lays eggs, a fighting rooster among roosters.

96、要么好好活着，要么赶紧去死吧。
96. Either live well, or hurry up and die.

97、男人读到博士是因为智商低，女人读到博士是因为情商低。
97. Men study for a Ph.D. because of low IQ, while women study for a Ph.D. because of low EQ.

98、烧香的不一定是和尚，还可能是熊猫！
98. Not everyone who burns incense is a monk; it could also be a panda!

99、谁说我白，瘦，漂亮~我就跟他做好朋友。
99. If anyone says I’m white, thin, and beautiful, I’ll be their good friend.

100、人又不聪明，还学人家秃顶！
100. You’re not even smart, yet you’re trying to be bald like others!