1.你出来一下，我有事想跟你谈谈。”“谈什么?”“恋爱。”
1. Come out for a moment, I want to talk to you about something. “What is it?” “Love.”
2.一个妇女从超市回来，忿忿地抱怨：”如果顾客永远是对的，为什么不是一切都免费。
2. A woman came back from the supermarket and complained angrily, “If the customer is always right, why isn’t everything free?”
3.春有百花秋有月，夏有凉风冬有雪。若无烦事挂心头，便是人间好时节。
3. In spring there are flowers, in autumn there is the moon, in summer there is a cool breeze, and in winter there is snow. If there are no troubles in your heart, it is a good season for the world.
4.没有人能预测未来，所以总有人后悔当初。
4. No one can predict the future, so there are always people who regret their past.
5.只有不可替代，你才不会被炒掉，但一直不可替代，就不会被提拔。
5. Only when you are irreplaceable will you not be fired, but if you are always irreplaceable, you won’t be promoted.
6.春天来了，绿意盎然，他也来了，一身绿装！md，连帽子也是绿色的！
6. Spring has arrived, with greenery everywhere, and he has come too, dressed in green! Damn it, even his hat is green!
7.人们喜欢春风，厌恶寒风，其实寒风是无辜的，是温度在使坏！
7. People like the spring breeze and hate the cold wind, but the cold wind is innocent; it’s the temperature that’s causing trouble!
8.电脑是愤怒者的麦克风，深夜它传播着我们的骂声！
8. The computer is the microphone for the angry, spreading our curses in the deep night!
9.那个叫珍妮的女孩我不喜欢，我喜欢那个叫玛尼的！
9. I don’t like the girl named Jenny; I like the one named Manny!
10.一美女说：第一次牵我手的人是给我看手相的那个先生。
10. A beautiful woman said, “The first person who held my hand was the man who read my palm.”
11.不是你不滚，是我不够狠。
11. It’s not that you don’t leave; it’s just that I’m not ruthless enough.
12.老师本想对同学们说把掌声送给自己，可不小心说成把巴掌送给自己。说完，一同学”啪”“啪”就给了自己两耳光。
12. The teacher wanted to tell the students to give applause to themselves, but accidentally said to give slaps to themselves. After saying that, a student “slap” “slap” gave themselves two slaps in the face.
13.考题再复杂，终究没有我这心情复杂。
13. No matter how complicated the exam questions are, they are not as complicated as my mood.
14.谁说水火无情，当你快要被口水淹死的时候，你却火了。
14. Who says water and fire are merciless? When you are about to be drowned by saliva, you become furious.
15.眉毛上的汗水，眉毛下的泪水，你总得选一样。
15. Sweat on the eyebrows, tears under the eyebrows, you have to choose one.
16.思想就像内裤，要有，但不能逢人就证明你有。
16. Thoughts are like underwear; you have to have them, but you can’t prove to everyone that you have them.
17.为什么你坐在那儿，看上去就像一个没写地址的信封？
17. Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without an address?
18.君子报仇，十年不晚，小人报仇，从早到晚。
18. A gentleman seeks revenge in ten years; a petty person seeks revenge from morning to night.
19.天上终不会掉陷饼，它只会掉陷阱。
19. The sky will never drop a pie, but it will drop traps.
20.白色加白色就是黑色，因为双重否定就是肯定。
20. White plus white equals black, because a double negative is an affirmative.
21.我对你的感情就像雷锋对于穷人的怜悯。
21. My feelings for you are like Lei Feng’s compassion for the poor.
22.寂寞就是有人说话时，没人在听，有人在听时，你却没话说了！
22. Loneliness is when someone is talking, but no one is listening; when someone is listening, but you have nothing to say.
23.比遇见一个泼妇更让人头痛的是……同时遇见两个泼妇。
23. Worse than encountering a shrew is encountering two shrews at the same time.
24.我想把我的一生浓缩成一句笑话。
24. I want to condense my whole life into a joke.
25.如果跟导师讲不清楚，那么就把他搞胡涂吧！
25. If you can’t explain it to your mentor, just confuse him!
26.你不是黄蓉，你只是蝗虫，你为嘛要靖哥哥？你真不要脸。
26. You’re not Huang Rong; you’re just a locust. Why do you want Jing Ge? You’re shameless.
27.这么不要脸，这么没心没肺，你的体重应该会很轻吧？
27. So shameless and heartless, you must be very light, right?
28.路上见一车，车后贴着六个字：着急你飞过去。
28. I saw a car on the road with six words on the back: If you’re in a hurry, fly past.
29.我说过做人要低调。可你非要给我掌声和尖叫。
29. I said to be low-key, but you insist on giving me applause and screams.
30.女人是招商银行，男人则是建设银行。
30. Women are like the Merchants Bank, while men are like the Construction Bank.
31.低调闷骚的高调，高调被打的征兆。
31. Low-key and introverted, but acting high-profile, a sign of getting beaten up.
32.你要是鲜花，以后牛都不敢拉屎了。
32. If you were a flower, cows would dare not defecate anymore.
33.女人装比那叫资本，男人装比那叫变态。
33. Women showing off is called capital, while men showing off is called perversion.
34.不怕喝敌敌畏，就怕开盖有惊喜，畅享多一瓶。
34. I’m not afraid of drinking敌敌畏 (a pesticide), I’m afraid of the surprise when I open the cap, enjoying an extra bottle.
35.我一定要出现你家户口本上，做不了你老公，也做你小爹。
35. I must appear on your household registration book, if not as your husband, then as your father-in-law.
36.又帅又车，那是象棋，有钱有房，那是银行。
36. Handsome and with a car, that’s chess; having money and a house, that’s a bank.
37.哥吸烟、是因为它伤肺，不伤心。
37. I smoke because it hurts my lungs, not my heart.
38.花有百样红，人与狗不同。
38. Flowers come in a hundred shades of red, but people are different from dogs.
39.男人被甩，金钱问题，女人被甩，面貌问题，我被甩，你他妈脑袋有问题。
39. Men get dumped for money issues, women for appearance issues; I get dumped because you have a problem in your fucking head.
40.人生自古谁无死，哪个拉屎不用纸。
40. Since ancient times, who has not died? Who doesn’t use toilet paper when defecating?
41.人生就像大便，一旦冲走了，就不会再回来。
41. Life is like feces; once it’s flushed away, it won’t come back.
42.人长得漂亮不如活得漂亮！
42. It’s better to live beautifully than to be physically attractive.
43.前途是光明的、道路是没有的。
43. The future is bright, but there’s no path to get there.
44.不想当神父的道士不是好和尚。
44. A Taoist who doesn’t want to be a priest is not a good monk.
45.不是人人都能活的低调，可以低调的基础是随时都能高调。
45. Not everyone can live a low-profile life; the basis for being low-key is the ability to be high-profile at any time.
46.不怕路远，就怕志短，不怕缓慢，就怕常站;不怕贫穷，就怕惰懒，不怕对手悍，就怕自己颤。
46. Don’t be afraid of a long journey, but be afraid of a short ambition. Don’t be afraid of being slow, but be afraid of always standing still. Don’t be afraid of poverty, but be afraid of laziness. Don’t be afraid of a fierce opponent, but be afraid of trembling yourself.
47.逆风的方向，更适合飞翔。我不怕万人阻挡，只怕自己投降。
47. The direction against the wind is more suitable for flying. I’m not afraid of thousands of people blocking me, but I’m afraid of surrendering myself.
48.你想死呢、还是你不想活拉。
48. Do you want to die, or do you not want to live anymore?
49.没有激情，爱就不会燃烧，没有友情，朋就不会满座，没有豪情，志就难于实现，没有心情，事就难于完成。
49. Without passion, love won’t burn. Without friendship, friends won’t gather. Without ambition, it’s hard to achieve goals. Without mood, it’s hard to accomplish tasks.
50.大事坚持原则，小事学会变通。
50. Stick to principles in major matters, and learn to be flexible in minor ones.
51.出门在外，老婆有交待，坐车莫坐第一排，菜夹不到站起来，喝酒别把胃喝坏，路边野花不要采，情人莫带屋里来。
51. When traveling outside, my wife has instructed me: don’t sit in the first row of the bus, stand up if I can’t reach the food, don’t drink alcohol to the point of damaging my stomach, don’t pick wildflowers by the roadside, and don’t bring lovers back home.
52.要说别人脑子有病，脑子有病的前提是必须有个脑子。
52. To say someone has a problem with their brain, one must first have a brain.
53.让女孩变成女人是作为男人最基本的责任和义务。
53. Turning a girl into a woman is the most basic responsibility and obligation of a man.
54.女人无所谓正派，正派是因为受到的引诱不够，男人无所谓忠诚，忠诚是因为背叛的筹码太低。
54. Women are not inherently virtuous; they may just not have faced enough temptation. Men are not inherently loyal; they may just not have received a high enough betrayal reward.
55.你你你这个小妖精，令我中了你的爱情毒却迟迟不肯给我解药！小坏蛋！哦，我快要不行了！救救我吧！办法很简单：给我你的爱！
55. You, you, you little demoness, have made me fall for your love poison but refuse to give me the antidote! Naughty! Oh, I can’t take it anymore! Save me! The solution is simple: give me your love!
56.感觉不到痛苦的爱情不是真正的爱情，感觉不到幸福的婚姻必是悲哀的婚姻。
56. A love without pain is not true love, and a marriage without happiness is a tragic marriage.
57.穿着恒源祥的毛衣，提着脑白金的礼盒，拿着三精葡萄酸钙，嘬着太极急支糖浆，哪儿人多奔哪儿去这就算行为艺术了吧。
57. Wearing a Heng Yuan Xiang sweater, carrying a Nao Bai Jin gift box, holding Sanjing grape calcium, and sipping Tai Chi urgent support syrup - going where there are crowds can be considered performance art, right?
58.长大了，娶唐僧做老公，能玩就玩一玩，不能玩就把他吃掉。
58. When I grow up, I want to marry Tang Seng as my husband, play with him if possible, and eat him if not.
59.不该看的不看，不该说的不说，不该听的不听，不该想的不想，该干什么干什么去。
59. Don’t look at what you shouldn’t, don’t say what you shouldn’t, don’t listen to what you shouldn’t, and don’t think about what you shouldn’t. Just do what you should be doing.
60.别跟我谈感情，谈感情伤钱。
60. Don’t talk to me about emotions; talking about emotions hurts money.
61.爱情有时很像醉酒的感觉，头脑明明是清醒的，但行为就是不受控制。
61. Love sometimes feels like being drunk; the mind is clearly sober, but the behavior is uncontrollable.
62.别说一辈子，别说永远，谁能对未来承诺呢？我们能把握的，无非是当时当地的感情。但一辈子，也是无数个现在组成的，努力好了每个瞬间，也就是永远了。
62. Don’t say a lifetime, don’t say forever, who can promise the future? What we can grasp is nothing more than the feelings of the moment. But a lifetime is also made up of countless moments, and if we strive to do well in every instant, it will be forever.
63.为中华而努力读书！一包中华好多钱啊！
63. Study hard for China! A pack of Zhonghua cigarettes costs a lot!
64.和谐校园里，骑自行车的也许是位博导，而开奔驰的则可能是个后勤。
64. In a harmonious campus, the person riding a bicycle might be a professor, while the one driving a Mercedes could be a logistician.
65.其实人活着的时候就是一个躯壳，死了就变成一堆骨灰。
65. In fact, when people are alive, they are just a shell, and when they die, they become a pile of ashes.
66.我对你的心，比钻石还坚硬。。。。。。不会是心结石吧？
66. My heart for you is harder than diamond… It’s not kidney stones, is it?
67.你发神经的时候，就像猪上树一样让人吃惊。
67. When you go crazy, it’s as surprising as a pig climbing a tree.
68.话说动物园有一只猴子，奇丑无比，人见人吐！第二天我去看了，我吐了！第三天你去了，猴子吐了！
68. There was a monkey in the zoo, incredibly ugly, making people vomit upon seeing it! The next day, I went to see it, and I vomited! The third day, you went, and the monkey vomited!
69.人生就像一块破铜烂铁，把它扔进火里，敲敲打打，也能炼出一副精品！
69. Life is like a piece of scrap metal; throw it into the fire, hammer it, and you can still forge a masterpiece!
70.完美的男友：不吸烟，不喝酒，不欺骗。不存在！
70. The perfect boyfriend: doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t cheat. Doesn’t exist!
71.一般般的我，一般般的亮。一般般的你，我看不上！
71. I’m just average, and so is my brightness. You’re average too, but I can’t see you!
72.地铁上的广告：挤吗？买辆车吧！出租车上的广告：赌吗？坐地铁吧！靠，忽悠我还是怎么着！
72. Subway advertisement: Crowded? Buy a car! Taxi advertisement: Gambling? Take the subway! Damn, are you kidding me or what?
73.知道高晓松为啥喝醉酒不？那是因为药家鑫想让他唱一首“同牢的你”。
73. Do you know why Gao Xiaosong got drunk? It’s because Yao Jiaxin wanted him to sing “You in the Same Cell.”
74.今天MM的生日，为了第一个送上祝福，凌晨我准时拿起手机发了一条信息：沙发。
74. Today is MM’s birthday, and in order to be the first to send my blessings, I picked up my phone on time in the early morning and sent a message: Sofa.
75.靠山吃山，靠水吃水，今天抢劫，不许不给，谁要反抗，让他见鬼。
75. Live off the mountain and eat its resources, live off the water and eat its resources. Today, if you don’t give when robbed, whoever resists will be doomed!
76.昨天是历史，今天是开始，明天谁都不好使！
76. Yesterday is history, today is the beginning, and no one will be effective tomorrow!
77.最近神马开始变驴腿了，浮云变雨水了！
77. Recently, the mythical horse has turned into a donkey’s leg, and the floating clouds have turned into raindrops!
78.我只顾着往后看，却没有在意前面的路有多长。
78. I was only looking back, not paying attention to how long the road ahead was.
79.没有强大的主人，别以为你是狗就可以乱咬人！
79. Without a powerful owner, don’t think you can bite people just because you’re a dog!
80.枕着打印机睡，就能打印出一整夜的梦吧？
80. Sleeping with a printer as a pillow, can you print a whole night of dreams?
81.系好安全带，前方也许有场爱情正等着你。
81. Fasten your seatbelt, there might be a love waiting for you ahead.
82.小明：“爸爸我是不是傻孩子啊？”爸爸：“傻孩子，你怎么会是傻孩子呢？”
82. Xiao Ming: “Dad, am I a silly child?” Dad: “Silly child, how could you be a silly child?”
83.人生就像一场旅行，在乎的不是目的地。而是沿途的“NB”，以及对付“NB”时的心情！
83. Life is like a journey, it’s not about the destination. It’s about the “NB” along the way and the mood when dealing with the “NB”!
84.站在岁月的岸边，向自己的过往打个水漂吧……
84. Standing on the shore of time, let’s skip a stone across the waters of our past…
85.有时候老天下一场雨，是因为世界需要洗一洗，有时候眼睛下雨了，是因为心需要洗一洗！
85. Sometimes the heavens rain because the world needs a wash, and sometimes eyes rain because the heart needs a wash.
86.我是穷人，请勿盗墓！
86. I am poor, please do not rob my grave!
87.别以为你比我年轻，你就能多蹦跶几天，棺材装的是死人不是老人！
87. Don’t think that just because you’re younger than me, you can bounce around for more days. A coffin carries the dead, not the old.
88.名人名言，你得先是名人了那才是名言，别人的屁都是名屁！你能比吗？
88. A famous quote only becomes a famous quote when you’re a celebrity. Even the farts of others are famous farts! Can you compare?
89.哥是文明人，所有脏话均已使用唾液消毒。
89. I am a civilized person, all dirty words have been disinfected with saliva.
90.如果我死了，我的第一句话是：老子终于不用怕鬼了。
90. If I die, my first sentence will be: I am finally not afraid of ghosts anymore.
91.我这一生一共做错两件事，其一是生出来，另一是活下去。
91. In my life, I’ve made two mistakes, one is being born, and the other is living on.
92.有棱有角的害处是，别人啃起你来十分方便。
92. The disadvantage of having edges and corners is that it’s very convenient for others to bite you.
93.走不进的世界就不要硬挤了，难为了别人，作贱了自己，何必呢？
93. If you can’t enter a world, don’t force your way in. It’s difficult for others and degrades yourself. Why bother?
94.看过水浒传吗？唐僧师徒四人被贾宝玉逼上梁山的故事。
94. Have you read Water Margin? The story of Tang Seng and his three disciples being forced onto Liangshan by Jia Baoyu.
95.每次看到情侣，我就会唱那首歌，”分手快乐，祝你快乐”。
95. Every time I see a couple, I sing that song, “Happy breakup, wish you happiness.”
96.老人不能打小孩，不能打女人，不能打男人往死里打。
96. The elderly should not hit children, women, or beat men to death.
97.如果领导下个月再不给我加薪，我就辞职，辞职前再给他送两条中华，抽死他。
97. If my leader doesn’t give me a raise next month, I will resign. Before resigning, I will send him two packs of Zhonghua cigarettes to smoke him to death.
98.我娘说浪子回头金不换，谁给我金子？我换。
98. My mother said that a prodigal son who returns is more valuable than gold. Who will give me gold? I’ll change.
99.爷爷都是从孙子走过来的……
99. Grandfathers were once grandsons…
100.你说你是我朋友，其实我知道，动物的确是人类的朋友。
100. You say you are my friend, but I know that animals are indeed friends of humans.
1.本人口儿重，拟禁绝可乐，改喝急支糖浆。
1. I have a strong taste, planning to quit cola and switch to emergency cough syrup.
2.你没事儿老梦我干吗，我忙你不知道吗?
2. Why do you always dream about me when I’m busy? Don’t you know I’m busy?
3.别对我用美男计，否则我将计就计。
3. Don’t try to charm me with your good looks, or I’ll play along.
4.算命先生说我会在八十岁的时候遇到一生中就重要的女人，她叫孟婆。
4. The fortune teller said I would meet the most important woman in my life when I’m 80 years old, her name is Meng Po.
5.他跟我说分手，我刚想回话，他却说发错人了。
5. He told me he wanted to break up, but as I was about to respond, he said he sent the message to the wrong person.
6.除了清明节，中国人能把所有的节日都当成情人节！
6. Except for the Qingming Festival, Chinese people can turn any holiday into Valentine’s Day!
7.我有时在想，是不是因为我太胖了，所以钻不进你的心房。
7. Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I’m too fat that I can’t fit into your heart.
8.每次看你吃猪肉的时候我都感慨万分，本是同根生相煎何太急。
8. Every time I see you eat pork, I feel deeply moved. We are born from the same root, why be so eager to cook each other?
9.又把老婆惹毛了，道歉了也没用，她气呼呼地在家里转圈：“哼！我要去买个贵的东西！”我一听，有转机！花钱消灾呗！马上说：“好啊!我陪你去买。”然后我们一起去了小商品市场买了个搓衣板回来……
9. I angered my wife again, and apologizing was useless. She stormed around the house, saying, “I’m going to buy something expensive!” I thought there was a chance for reconciliation! Spend money to avoid disaster! I immediately said, “Great! I’ll go with you to buy it.” Then we went to a small commodity market and bought a washboard…
10.我恨秦始皇，他烧书，竟然没有烧完。
10. I hate Emperor Qin Shi Huang, he burned books but didn’t finish the job.
11.去买水，老板说两块，我说瓶子上写着建议零售价一块五啊？老板说：“我不接受他的建议！”
11. When buying water, the boss said it was two yuan, but I said the suggested retail price on the bottle was 1.5 yuan. The boss replied, “I don’t accept his suggestion!”
12.学校塌了，便是晴天。
12. If the school collapses, it’s a sunny day.
13.神啊！如果没办法把我变瘦的话！就把我的朋友们变胖吧！
13. God! If you can’t make me thin, then make my friends fat!
14.女孩为男孩做可乐鸡翅，男孩尝了一口说真好吃，女孩也吃了一口说，骗子，根本没熟。男孩温柔的说，傻瓜，你做什么我都觉得好吃。几天后，男孩和女孩禽流感死了。这个故事告诉我们，秀恩爱，死的快！
14. A girl made cola chicken wings for a boy. After taking a bite, the boy said they were delicious. The girl also took a bite and said, “Liar, they’re not cooked.” The boy gently said, “Fool, I think everything you make is delicious.” A few days later, the boy and girl died of bird flu. This story tells us that showing off love leads to a quick death!
15.天将降大任于斯人也，必先关其手机，停其流量，盗其账号，拔其网线，方能告别学渣，修成学霸。
15. Heaven will bestow great responsibilities on this person, but first, they must turn off their phone, cut off their data, steal their account, and unplug their internet cable, so as to bid farewell to being a poor student and become a top student.
16.夏天的时候，洗澡简直像是在帮蚊子洗菜。
16. In summer, taking a shower feels like helping mosquitoes wash vegetables.
17.这个夏天出门就是进烤箱，走路就是麻辣烫，坐下就是铁板烧，还是别下雨了，下雨就成水煮鱼。
17. Going out in this summer is like entering an oven, walking is like eating spicy hot pot, sitting is like iron plate烧, it’s better not to rain, or it’ll become boiled fish.
18.忽然发现，霍去病和辛弃疾是情侣名。
18. Suddenly, I realized that Huo Qubing and Xin Qiji are couple names.
19.其实，我以前个子挺高的只不过后来经常洗澡缩水了而已。
19. Actually, I used to be tall, but I shrank from taking too many showers.
20.这年头，不早恋，不犯贱，不作弊，不叛逆，不抄作业，不玩手机，都没人相信你是学生。
20. Nowadays, if you haven’t had a puppy love, haven’t been shameless, haven’t cheated, haven’t rebelled, haven’t copied homework, or haven’t played with your phone, no one would believe you’re a student.
21.老师没收了我的游戏机，期末还给我时，我发现游戏全部通关了。
21. The teacher confiscated my game console, and when she returned it to me at the end of the term, I found that all the games had been completed.
22.我觉得对陌生人应该友善一点，像路上碰到金融保险、英语培训、留学服务、情趣酒店、相亲中介、不孕不育的产品推销和调查问卷，我从来都是耐心和气地答完填上前男友的姓名住址电话。
22. I think we should be friendlier to strangers, like when I encounter salespeople or surveyors for financial insurance, English training, study abroad services, themed hotels, matchmaking agencies, and infertility treatments on the street. I always patiently and politely answer their questions and fill in my ex-boyfriend’s name, address, and phone number.
23.肉啊肉，有本事别冲腿来、冲胸来！
23. Meat, if you dare, don’t come at my legs or chest!
24.时间就像是乳沟，挤一挤，总还是会有的！
24. Time is like a cleavage; if you squeeze it, there’s always a little left!
25.下辈子我要当男人，娶一个像我这么好的女人。
25. In my next life, I want to be a man and marry a woman as wonderful as myself.
26.家长会和小三的性质一样，都是破坏家庭和谐的！
26. Parent-teacher conferences are like mistresses; both disrupt family harmony!
27.有一次我问一个快递小哥他是什么通，他说“通通通通通通你就知道通我都给你送了半年快递了你居然还问我是什么通人家是韵达韵达韵韵达韵达韵达啦！”
27. Once, I asked a courier what company he was from, and he said, “You’ve known me for half a year, and you still ask what company I’m from? I’m from Yunda! Yunda, Yunda, Yunda, Yunda!”
28.便秘后陈医生给我开了一个疗程的电钻。
28. After I had constipation, Dr. Chen prescribed me a course of electric drills.
29.班主任的课，同桌趴在桌上睡觉，班主任大怒，给我使眼色，我立即领会，然后在众目睽睽之下脱掉外套，披在同桌身上，多体贴的班主任啊！
29. During the headteacher’s class, my deskmate was sleeping on the table. The headteacher was furious and gave me a meaningful look. I immediately understood and, in front of everyone, took off my coat and put it on my deskmate. How considerate the headteacher was!
30.问：你为女人哭过吗？答：哭过。问：谁？答：我妈，被打的老惨了，哭得嗓子都哑了。
30. Q: Have you ever cried for a woman? A: Yes. Q: Who? A: My mom, she was beaten so badly that she cried until her voice was hoarse.
31.电风扇是人类最好的朋友，我问电风扇我长的丑吗？风扇默默地摇了一晚上的头。
31. The electric fan is the best friend of mankind. I asked the fan if I’m ugly, and it silently shook its head all night.
32.“以我的颜值要是在古代，我能撑起整个青楼！”“你是说你长得像柱子吗？”
32. “With my appearance, if I were in ancient times, I could support an entire brothel!” “Are you saying I look like a pillar?”
33.邻居家一小正太，今年岁，上幼儿园，整天在学校丢文具。那天他爸火了：“就你整天丢，也没见你往回拿…”结果第二天，一回家就往沙发倒了一堆铅笔、本子……
33. A little boy from my neighbor’s family is in kindergarten this year and always loses his stationery at school. One day, his father got angry and said, “You always lose things, but I don’t see you bringing any back.” The next day, as soon as he got home, he dumped a pile of pencils and notebooks on the sofa…
34.闺蜜最近几天老来我家蹭饭，而且每次都吃的挺少，我就问：“怎么不多吃点？”闺蜜：“我每次减肥，又控制不住自己的嘴的时候，就想来你家蹭饭。毕竟，没有人做的饭像你做的这样，吃了第一口就不想吃第二口。”我：“你给我出去……”
34. My best friend has been coming to my house for meals lately, and she always eats very little. I asked, “Why don’t you eat more?” She replied, “Every time I’m on a diet and can’t control my mouth, I come to your house for a meal. After all, no one cooks like you do; after the first bite, I don’t want to eat the second.” I said, “Get out of my house…”
35.生活很讨厌，还好我很可爱。
35. Life is annoying, but luckily, I’m adorable.
36.“你在干啥”“我在照镜子，”“那你闭着眼睛干啥”“我在看我睡觉的样子”。
36. “What are you doing?” “I’m looking in the mirror.” “Then why are your eyes closed?” “I’m trying to see what I look like when I sleep.”
37.“你的拿手好菜是什么，”“我烧的白开水还不错”。
37. “What’s your signature dish?” “My boiled water is pretty good.”
38.“从小到大，有没有一个人想起来让你心里又甜又酸的？”“有啊，我家门口卖糖葫芦那个大叔。”
38. “Has there ever been someone who makes you feel both sweet and sour when you think of them?” “Yes, the old man who sells candied hawthorns near my house.”
39.让暴风雨来得更猛烈些吧，反正我是卖伞的！
39. Let the storm come even stronger; I’m selling umbrellas anyway!
40.你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
40. You might as well let me kneel on the washboard; I can’t stand kneeling on the electric heater!
41.“捷克斯洛伐克”！我叫JACK，我老婆总这样抱怨我。
41. “Czechoslovakia”! My name is Jack, and that’s what my wife always complains about.
42.高中时每人发个胸牌。一次来检查前，班主任跑到教室大声喊，大家快把胸罩戴起来，来检查的啦…全场鸦雀无声…
42. In high school, everyone was given a badge. Once, before an inspection, the headteacher ran to the classroom and shouted loudly, “Everyone, put on your bras, the inspectors are coming…” The whole room fell silent.
43.不在放荡中变坏，就在沉默中变态。
43. Either you become bad in indulgence, or you become abnormal in silence.
44.有时解释是不必要的，敌人不信你的解释，朋友无须你的解释。
44. Sometimes explanation is unnecessary, for the enemy does not believe your explanation, and friends have no need for it.
45.一张文凭、二国语言(精通英文)、三房一厅、四季名牌、五官端正、六六(落落)大方、七千月薪、八面玲珑、九(酒)烟不沾、十分老实。
45. A diploma, two languages (proficient in English), three bedrooms and a living room, four seasons of famous brands, good-looking features, generous and elegant, a monthly salary of 7,000, smooth interpersonal skills, no smoking or drinking, and being very honest.
46.我们产生一点小分歧：她希望我把粪土变黄金，我希望她视黄金如粪土！
46. We have a minor disagreement: she wants me to turn dirt into gold, while I want her to treat gold like dirt.
47.师太，你就从了老衲吧！…很久很久以后…师太，你就饶了老衲吧！
47. Master, please yield to me! … A long time later… Master, please spare me!
48.男人膝下有黄金，我把整个腿都切下来了，连块铜也没找着！
48. There is gold beneath a man’s knees, but even after cutting off my whole leg, I didn’t find even a piece of copper!
49.人不能低下高贵的头，但捡钱时例外。
49. One should not lower their noble head, except when picking up money.
50.小时候我以为自己长大后可以拯救整个世界，等长大后才发现整个世界都拯救不了我。
50. When I was young, I thought I could save the whole world when I grew up. But when I grew up, I realized the whole world couldn’t save me.
51.如果朋友可以出卖，每个值五块的话，我也能发笔小财了。
51. If friends could be sold, and each was worth five dollars, I could make a small fortune.
52.一个漂亮的妹纸问我说：嗨，你有女朋友吗？我心里一激动说：没有。妹纸拎起裙脚原地转了一圈说：你看漂亮吗？我心跳加速的说：漂亮。妹纸接着说：恩，我也这么觉得，这是男朋友送我的。
52. A pretty girl asked me, “Hey, do you have a girlfriend?” I got excited and said, “No.” The girl lifted her skirt and spun around, asking, “Do you think I’m pretty?” My heart raced as I said, “Yes, very pretty.” She then said, “Well, I think so too. This skirt was a gift from my boyfriend.”
53.有人说走路玩手机容易出车祸，卧槽吓得我开始跑着玩。
53. Some say walking while using a phone can lead to accidents. Damn, that scared me into running while using my phone.
54.有时候你不努力一下，你都不知道什么叫绝望。
54. Sometimes if you don’t try hard, you won’t know what despair is.
55.“你怎么这么矮。”“因为我一直在迷你啊！”
55. “Why are you so short?” “Because I’ve always been miniaturizing!”
56.都说聊天止于呵呵，我就不相信，昨天给男神发消息说：好喜欢你。他说：呵呵。我回答道：呵呵尼玛个壁。于是和他对骂了一个晚上。
56. They say chatting stops at “hehe,” but I don’t believe it. Yesterday, I sent a message to my crush saying, “I really like you.” He replied, “hehe.” I answered, “Hehe your ass!” So we ended up cursing at each other all night.
57.我吻过你的脸，都是隔离霜、bb霜、防晒霜，感觉一口吃了好多钱。
57. I’ve kissed your face, which was covered in makeup, BB cream, and sunscreen. It feels like I’ve eaten a lot of money in one mouthful.
58.“我胸小你介意吗”“不介意，我喜欢青梅竹马的感觉”“什么意思”“从小玩到大”。
58. “Do you mind that I have a small chest?” “No, I like the feeling of childhood sweethearts.” “What does that mean?” “Growing up together.”
59.在餐厅偶遇初中女同学，但是她不记得我了，我便提醒她说：“你还记得初中时候，因为和你在小树林亲嘴被处分的那个男生吗？”她小脸一红，有些激动的说：“难道你就是当时那个……”我惭愧一笑：“没错，我就是当时告密的那个人！”
59. I bumped into a female classmate from junior high at a restaurant, but she didn’t remember me. So I reminded her, “Do you remember the boy who was punished for kissing you in the woods during junior high?” Her face turned red, and she asked excitedly, “Are you the one…?” I smiled sheepishly and said, “Yes, I’m the one who snitched!”
60.“一整个披萨你要切块还是块？”“块吧，块我吃不下。”
60. “Do you want the whole pizza cut into pieces or blocks?” “Blocks, because I can’t eat that many pieces.”
61.刚刚被吵醒，就听见小区里有个男人大喊：打死，打死，往死打，反了，反了。这是要出大事的节奏啊!看看怎么回事，我赶紧起床，跑到窗前……我去，一个男人指挥媳妇倒车呢！
61. I was just woken up by the noise and heard a man in the community shouting: “Beat him, beat him, beat him to death, rebellion, rebellion.” It seems like something big is about to happen! I quickly got up, ran to the window… Oh, it’s just a man directing his wife to reverse the car!
62.我对象很好，象对我也很好，而且我对马，兔子，狗都很好。
62. My partner is very good, and elephants are also good to me. I’m also kind to horses, rabbits, and dogs.
63.如果以后全世界都没有人要你，一定要记得还有我，我也不要你。
63. If no one in the world wants you in the future, remember that I still don’t want you.
64.和闺蜜出去旅游，累了在树下休息。突然几滴鸟屎滴到我脸上了，我还没反应过来，闺蜜就拿手帮我抹匀，边说，你的防晒霜没摸匀呢。
64. While traveling with my best friend, we took a break under a tree when a few bird droppings fell on my face. Before I could react, my friend started wiping it off, saying, “Your sunscreen isn’t evenly applied.”
65.“警察叔叔，我的包丢了”“放心吧，包在我身上”“那你还我！”
65. “Officer, I lost my bag.” “Don’t worry, I’ve got it.” “Then give it back to me!”
66.有旳人活着，他已经死了。有的人活着，他早该死了。
66. Some people are alive, but they’re already dead. Others are alive, but they should have died long ago.
67.什么叫寂寞？就是五十块的话费居然用了三个月还没用完……三个月啊！
67. What’s loneliness? It means that a 50-yuan phone bill has lasted for three months and hasn’t run out… three months!
68.一直听别人说，开房怎么怎么爽，终于有一天我忍不住去开房了……还真是爽啊，一个人睡这么大一张床！
68. I always heard that staying in a hotel room was amazing, and one day I couldn’t resist trying it… It was indeed great, sleeping alone in such a big bed!
69.据说今年夏天全国各地如今都在追悼一个叫热的家伙——“热死了！”
69. It is said that this summer, people all over the country are mourning a guy named “Heat” – “We’re heat-dead!”
70.讲课时女老师裤子拉链开了，一女生站起来提醒：老师，你门没关!老师一摆手：不管它一会儿教导主任要来参观。
70. During a lecture, a female teacher’s pants zipper was open. A student stood up and reminded her: “Teacher, your door is open!” The teacher waved her hand: “Never mind, the principal will come to visit later.”
71.要命的夏天来了，谁要是能给我们班教室装台空调，我们就把班主任嫁给他。
71. The deadly summer is coming. If anyone can install an air conditioner in our classroom, we’ll marry the head teacher to him.
72.千万别跟我求婚，一求婚我就会答应。
72. Don’t ever propose to me, because I’ll say yes.
73.人生三愿：一是吃得下饭，二是睡得着觉，三是笑得出来。
73. Three wishes in life: to eat well, to sleep well, and to laugh often.
74.我身在江湖，江湖却没有关于我的传说。
74. I am in the world of martial arts, but there are no legends about me.
75.男女调情的时候，诞生了最具特色的汉字：凹凸。
75. When men and women flirt, the most distinctive Chinese character is created: “concave-convex.”
76.早知道他不是好东西，就是忘了说了。
76. I knew he was no good, but I just forgot to say it.
77.世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
77. In this world, I only trust two people: one is me, and the other is not you.
78.电话费透支万的判无期，撞死人的判年，自动取款机恶意取款万判无期，贪污几千万判年。
78. A person who defaults on a phone bill of 10,000 yuan is sentenced to life imprisonment, one who kills someone is sentenced to several years, and one who maliciously withdraws 10,000 yuan from an ATM is sentenced to life imprisonment, while a corrupt official who embezzles tens of millions is sentenced to several years.
79.我们可以躲开大家，却躲不开一只苍蝇。生活中使我们不快乐的常是一些芝麻小事。
79. We can avoid everyone, but we can’t avoid a fly. It’s often the little things in life that make us unhappy.
80.有一种人只做两件事：你成功了，他妒嫉你，你失败了，他笑话你。
80. There is a kind of person who does only two things: when you succeed, he envies you; when you fail, he laughs at you.
81.不怕神一样的哥们，就怕狗一样的朋友。
81. Fear not the god-like bro, but the dog-like friend.
82.上帝给了我们七情六欲，我们却把它们变成了色情和暴力。
82. God gave us seven emotions and six desires, yet we turned them into pornography and violence.
83.英雄不问出路，流氓不看岁数！
83. A hero doesn’t care about his origins, and a hooligan doesn’t care about his age!
84.从猴子变成人需要成千上万年，从人变回猴子只用一瓶酒。
84. It takes thousands of years for a monkey to become a human, but only a bottle of alcohol for a human to become a monkey again.
85.你鱼肉百姓，百姓就人肉你。
85. If you exploit the people, they will cannibalize you.
86.男人靠征服世界来征服女人！女人靠征服男人来征服世界！
86. Men conquer the world to conquer women! Women conquer men to conquer the world!
87.这个世界不公平就在于：上帝说：“我要光！”于是有了白天。美女说：“我要钻戒！”于是她有了钻戒。富豪说：“我要女人！”于是他有了女人。我说：“我要洗澡！”居然停水了。
87. The unfairness of this world lies in: God says, “I want light!” and there is daylight. A beauty says, “I want a diamond ring!” and she gets it. A tycoon says, “I want a woman!” and he gets her. I say, “I want to take a bath!” and there’s a water outage.
88.自从我变成了狗屎，就再也没人踩到我头上。
88. Ever since I became dog feces, no one steps on me anymore.
89.老板，来一碗泪流满面。
89. Boss, serve me a bowl of tears.
90.有钱的人怕别人知道他有钱，没钱的人怕别人知道他没钱。
90. Rich people fear others knowing they have money, while poor people fear others knowing they have no money.
91.广告就是告诉别人，他的钱还可以这么花。
91. Advertising is about telling others how they can spend their money.
92.我问她：”你以前交过男朋友吗？”她说：”高中的时候有交过。”我明知故问：”是河南的么？”她大惊：”当然是和男的啦!”
92. I asked her, “Have you ever had a boyfriend?” She said, “I had one in high school.” I deliberately asked, “From Henan?” She was surprised, “Of course, with a guy!”
93.男：山外青山楼外楼，恋爱婚姻都自由。女：万水千山只等闲，还不赶快去赚钱。
93. Boy: Beyond the green mountains, there are more mountains and buildings; love and marriage are free. Girl: Crossing thousands of rivers and mountains is just a casual thing; hurry up and make money.
94.好友谈恋爱两个月，网名改成”蓝色”。最近我才知道，蓝色直译为中文叫”不撸”。
94. A good friend has been dating for two months and changed her nickname to “Blue.” Recently, I found out that “Blue” literally translates to “No Wank” in Chinese.
95.你们现在谈恋爱已经晚了，大学就应该全身心读书。。。。。。这个问题。应该初中高中就解决了。
95. It’s already too late for you guys to fall in love now; you should have focused entirely on studying in college… This issue should have been resolved during junior and senior high school.
96.未来要和我结婚的那位：也不知道你现在给谁谈恋爱呢。别给人家浪费感情了、找个时间咱俩认识一下呗。
96. To the one who will marry me in the future: I don’t know who you’re dating now. Don’t waste your feelings on them; find some time for us to get acquainted.
97.今天听到一个八岁的小姑娘唱，两只老虎，两只老虎，谈恋爱，谈恋爱。两只都是公的，两只都是公的，真变态，真变态。
97. Today, I heard an eight-year-old girl singing, “Two tigers, two tigers, in love, in love.” Both of them are male, both of them are male; it’s so perverted, so perverted.
98.就算再挫也要谈恋爱，谈到世界充满爱！
98. Even if you’re a loser, you should still fall in love, until the world is filled with love!
99.我谈过最长的恋爱，就是自恋，我爱自己，没有情敌。
99. The longest relationship I’ve ever had is with myself; I love myself, and I have no rivals in love.
100.看到有篇微博说道你自己是否愿意和自己谈恋爱。我纠结了很久，最后还是选择了不愿意。瞬间我再也不怪那些抛弃我的人了。
100. I saw a Weibo post asking if you would be willing to date yourself. I hesitated for a long time, but in the end, I chose not to. In that moment, I no longer blamed those who abandoned me.
1.我们只是路人甲乙丙丁，在这花花世界集体游戏。无论你输我赢，到最后咱们都会一起GameOver！
1. We are just passers-by, participating in this collective game in this colorful world. No matter who wins or loses, we will all end up with Game Over together!
2.别在我面前摆POSE，我真怕忍不住想摔相机。
2. Don’t pose in front of me; I’m really afraid I’ll忍不住想摔相机 (can’t help but want to drop the camera).
3.和你分手，因为，你连牵手都不配！
3. I broke up with you because you don’t even deserve to hold hands.
4.有一天小三哭了，因为出现了小四！
4. One day, the mistress cried because the fourth lover appeared.
5.三鹿奶粉，后妈的选择。
5. Sanlu milk powder, the choice of a stepmother.
6.走人民币的路，让人民无路可走！
6. Take the path of the Renminbi and leave the people with nowhere to go!
7.分手多没意思，有本事咱俩玩离婚！
7. Breaking up is so boring; if you have the guts, let’s play at getting a divorce!
8.吉尼斯纪录：全世界最大的茶几面积为960万平方千米，可放置13亿杯具。
8. Guinness Record: The world’s largest tea table has an area of 9.6 million square kilometers, capable of holding 1.3 billion tea sets.
9.自爱，必先自私，唯有自私，才能大爱。
9. To love oneself, one must first be selfish; only by being selfish can one achieve great love.
10.一些人，总要出卖他所有的，去换取他所没有的。
10. Some people always have to sell everything they have in exchange for what they don’t have.
11.在学校是那钱混日子，现在是拿日子混钱！
11. In school, I spent money to pass the days; now, I spend days to make money.
12.考试考得好，全靠同桌好。
12. I did well in the exam, all thanks to my deskmate.
13.本人鄙视那些，常用表情聊天的人。
13. I despise those who often use emojis to chat.
14.有心才会累，无心者无所谓。
14. Only those with a heart can be tired; the heartless don’t care.
15.做男人的最高境界不是你去泡妞，而是让妞来泡你。
15. The highest state of being a man is not about chasing girls, but letting them chase you.
16.要有多大的身躯，才能撑起您那龌龊的灵魂啊！
16. How big of a body do you need to support your filthy soul?
17.你不能当饭吃，但没有你，我吃不下饭。
17. You can’t be my food, but without you, I can’t eat.
18.假如生活欺骗了我，那我也去欺骗生活。
18. If life deceives me, I will deceive life in return.
19.你让我下不了台，我让你连上台的机会都没有。
19. You made me lose face, and I will make sure you don’t even have a chance to get on stage.
20.你住在我心里，你交房租了吗？
20. You live in my heart; have you paid the rent?
21.体育老师说：谁敢穿裙子上我的课，就罚她倒立！
21. The PE teacher said: Whoever dares to wear a skirt in my class will be punished by doing a handstand!
22.最尴尬的莫过于和女友去民政局登记，工作人员竟是前女友。
22. The most embarrassing thing is to go to the civil affairs bureau with your girlfriend to register, and the staff member is your ex-girlfriend.
23.不喜欢我，我就把你阉了做我妹。
23. If you don’t like me, I’ll castrate you and make you my sister.
24.我站在你的城府里大声叫到：哎哟！满深的啊！
24. I stand in your cunning plan and shout: Ouch! It’s so deep!
25.第三者不是后来的那个，而是不被深爱的那个。
25. The third person is not the one who comes later, but the one who is not deeply loved.
26.世界上最郁闷的事莫过于踩到自己拉的粑粑。
26. The most depressing thing in the world is to step on your own poop.
27.穿别人的鞋走别人的路，让别人既找不到鞋又找不到路。
27. Wear other people’s shoes and walk their path, so they can’t find their shoes or their way.
28.姐不是蒙娜丽莎，不会对每个人都微笑。
28. I’m not the Mona Lisa, I won’t smile at everyone.
29.男人说喜欢你，只是喜欢你的身体罢了。
29. When a man says he likes you, he just likes your body.
30.世上男人千千万，实在不行天天换。
30. There are thousands of men in the world, if it doesn’t work out, change them every day.
31.牛B中的战斗机，贱人中的VIP。
31. The fighter in the NB, the VIP among the despicable.
32.肖邦，你要能弹出劳资的悲伤，劳资就给你一块钱。
32. Chopin, if you can play my sadness, I’ll give you a dollar.
33.我们活着的大多数人，一辈子只做了三件事：自欺、欺人、被人欺。
33. Most of us who are alive have done three things in our lives: deceive ourselves, deceive others, and be deceived by others.
34.我不怕喝敌敌畏，就怕开盖畅饮，再来一瓶。
34. I’m not afraid of drinking parathion, I’m afraid of opening the cap and drinking, and then getting another bottle.
35.如果你是一朵花，那牛都不拉粪了。
35. If you were a flower, even cows wouldn’t poop.
36.你一出门千山鸟飞绝，万径人宗灭。
36. When you go out, a thousand mountains are silent, and ten thousand paths are deserted.
37.女人如衣服，但姐是你穿不出来的气质。
37. Women are like clothes, but I’m the temperament you can’t wear out.
38.为了祖国的下一代，再丑都得谈恋爱，谈到世界充满爱。
38. For the sake of the next generation of our motherland, even if you’re ugly, you have to fall in love, and make the world full of love.
39.打算理发了，甩流海甩得头都崴了。
39. I’m planning to get a haircut, I’ve been tossing my bangs so much that my head is twisted.
40.我的兴趣爱好可分为静态和动态两种，静态就是睡觉，动态就是翻身。
40. My hobbies can be divided into two types: static and dynamic. Static is sleeping, and dynamic is turning over.
41.刷牙是件悲喜交加的事，一手拿杯具，一手拿洗具。
41. Brushing teeth is a bittersweet experience, holding a cup in one hand and a toothbrush in the other.
42.锄禾日当午，上学真幸苦，已进入学校，罚站一下午。
42. Hoeing the fields under the midday sun, going to school is really tough, once you enter the school, you stand as punishment for the whole afternoon.
43.我平胸我骄傲，我为国家省布料。
43. I’m flat-chested and I’m proud, I save fabric for the country.
44.执子之手，将子拖走，子若不走，拍晕了继续拖走！
44. Holding your hand, I’ll drag you away, if you don’t leave, I’ll knock you out and continue dragging you away!
45.自从得了精神病，整个人都精神多了。
45. Ever since I got mental illness, I’ve become more energetic.
46.我没时间去讨厌那些讨厌我的人，因为我在忙着爱那些爱着我的人。
46. I don’t have time to hate those who hate me, because I’m busy loving those who love me.
47.上床这么纯洁的事情，别被爱情玷污了。
47. Going to bed is such a pure thing, don’t let love defile it.
48.有些话，你想说自然会说，不想说，听到的也只是假话。
48. Some words, if you want to say them, you’ll say them naturally; if not, what you hear is just a lie.
49.因为我什么都不怕，所以我什么都不能输。
49. Because I’m not afraid of anything, I can’t lose at anything.
50.有些人那么谦虚，有些人那么骄傲，却没有一个人实事求是。
50. Some people are so modest, some are so arrogant, but no one is being realistic.
51.我们就像两条平行线，永远也不会有交点。
51. We are like two parallel lines, never having an intersection.
52.家长会和小三的性质都是一样的，都是挑拨家庭关系的。
52. Parent-teacher conferences and homewreckers have the same nature, both are about disrupting family relationships.
53.大大咧咧不一定是坏，温文尔雅不一定是真。
53. Being carefree doesn’t necessarily mean bad, and being gentle doesn’t necessarily mean true.
54.我本就不是娇滴滴的女生，不需要被保护，一个人也可以很好。
54. I’m not a delicate girl to begin with, I don’t need to be protected, I can be just fine on my own.
55.就算你瘦了，变好看了，你什么都好了，不爱你的人还是不爱你。
55. Even if you lose weight, become more attractive, and everything is good about you, those who don’t love you still won’t love you.
56.婊子配狗天长地久，狗男配鸡如胶似漆。
56. A bitch matches a dog for eternity, a wimp matches a hen like glue.
57.如果你讨厌我，我一点也不介意，我活着不是为了取悦你。
57. If you hate me, I don’t mind at all, I’m not living to please you.
58.世界上最爱我的男人，已经娶了我妈。
58. The man who loves me the most in the world has already married my mom.
59.真正的境界是宁可自己去原谅别人，莫让别人来原谅你。
59. The true state is to prefer forgiving others yourself, rather than having others forgive you.
60.人生就是呼吸，呼是为了出一口气，吸是为了争一口气。
60. Life is like breathing, exhaling is to let out a breath, inhaling is to fight for a breath.
61.天若有情天亦老，抢我对象死的早。
61. If the sky has feelings, it will age too; whoever steals my partner will die young.
62.游戏和女友最大的区别就是，一个要下副本一个要下血本！
62. The biggest difference between a game and a girlfriend is that one requires downloading a copy, and the other requires a significant investment!
63.做清淡欢颜的女子，写高贵的情书给自己。
63. Be a gentle and cheerful woman, and write noble love letters to yourself.
64.这个世界，没有那么多单纯的如果，不爱就是不爱了。
64. In this world, there are not so many simple “what ifs”; if someone doesn’t love, they just don’t love anymore.
65.我这人没啥优点，就是受表扬能力特强！
65. I don’t have many strengths, but I’m particularly good at accepting praise!
66.以为自己长得漂亮又怎样，老娘不屑，最终还不是当别人情妇。
66. Thinking you’re pretty just because of your looks, so what? I despise it; in the end, you still become someone else’s mistress.
67.趁我还爱你，你可不可以不要错过我？
67. While I still love you, can you please not miss me?
68.你的态度决定我的态度，你若对我沉默，我也只好对你冷漠。
68. Your attitude determines my attitude; if you’re silent with me, I’ll have no choice but to be indifferent towards you.
69.别站在你的角度看我，我怕那你看不懂。
69. Don’t look at me from your perspective, for I’m afraid you won’t understand.
70.姐不需要谁爱我，更不需要谁疼我，姐会狠狠疼爱自己。
70. I don’t need anyone to love me or pamper me; I will love and pamper myself fiercely.
71.不想看你不开心，却又嫉妒你和别人太开心！
71. I don’t want to see you unhappy, yet I’m jealous when you’re too happy with others!
72.那些曾经泼过我冷水的人，我一定会烧开了还给你们。
72. To those who have poured cold water on me, I will definitely boil it and return it to you.
73.老师上课的质量，决定手机此月的流量。
73. The quality of the teacher’s class determines the mobile data usage for this month.
74.你用温柔将我所有的菱角磨平，然后用尽全力伤我到死。
74. You used your gentleness to smooth all my edges, and then tried your best to hurt me to death.
75.你就像根苦瓜，穿得这么清凉，长得这么败。
75. You’re like a bitter gourd; dressed so cool, yet looking so miserable.
76.你既然这么轻易地被种在我的心里，那么，就别想轻易逃脱出去！
76. Since you’ve been planted so easily in my heart, then don’t even think about escaping!
77.长了副猪样，就不要以为自己是人，老娘看不起你。
77. If you have a pig-like appearance, don’t think you’re a human; I look down on you.
78.别跟我说你不差钱，既然如此，来来，你往外丢，我接着。
78. Don’t tell me you don’t lack money; if that’s the case, come on, throw it out, and I’ll catch it.
79.别说小三骚，谁让他一勾搭就上套。
79. Don’t say the mistress is flirtatious; it’s because she’s easily hooked by him.
80.谁的旧爱不是别人的新欢，谁的新欢不是别人的旧爱。
80. Whose ex-lover isn’t someone else’s new love, and whose new love isn’t someone else’s ex-lover?
81.谁要是再敢惹我，我就趁清明之前把他埋了。
81. If anyone dares to provoke me again, I’ll bury them before Qingming Festival.
82.不管谁泼我们冷水，我们都要有骨气的变成开水泼回去。
82. No matter who pours cold water on us, we must have the guts to turn it into boiling water and pour it back.
83.不要和我比懒，我懒得和你比。
83. Don’t compare with me on laziness, I’m too lazy to compare with you.
84.万水千山总是情，给点分数行不行？人间自有真情在，给个满分也是爱！
84. Mountains and rivers always have emotions, can you give some points? There is true love in the world, giving a full mark is also love!
85.如果婚姻是爱情的坟墓，那么相亲是为坟墓看风水，表白是自掘坟墓，结婚是双双殉情，移情别恋是迁坟，第三者是盗墓！
85. If marriage is the grave of love, then blind date is checking the Feng Shui for the grave, confession is digging the grave by oneself, marriage is a joint suicide, falling in love with someone else is moving the grave, and the third party is grave robbing!
86.上课时我老低头，老师问我为什么，我淡定的回答，低头思故乡！
86. I always lower my head in class, and when the teacher asks me why, I calmly answer, thinking of my hometown!
87.你骂我，肯定是因为你不够了解我，因为那些了解我的人，都想打我。
87. If you scold me, it must be because you don’t know me well enough, because those who know me well want to hit me.
88.每天很早来学校，表面是爱学习，可有几人知道，我们是来抄作业的。
88. Coming to school early every day, on the surface it seems like love for learning, but how many people know that we are here to copy homework.
89.什么踢足球的男生帅打篮球的男生帅，都是放屁。只要你长得帅，你TM弹玻璃球都帅，长得丑的打高尔夫都像在铲屎。什么温柔的女生都有魅力，素颜不化妆的女生都清纯，都是放屁。只要你长得漂亮，你TM卖个豆腐都说是豆腐西施，长得丑的拉小提琴都像得了抽筋。
89. What’s this about handsome guys playing soccer or basketball? It’s all nonsense. As long as you are handsome, you look handsome even playing marbles. Ugly guys playing golf look like they’re shoveling shit. What about charming gentle girls, innocent girls without makeup, it’s all nonsense. As long as you are beautiful, selling tofu is considered a “tofu beauty”, and ugly girls playing the violin look like they have a cramp.
90.我TM是看透这个世界了！
90. I’ve seen through this world!
91.吃货都是善良的，因为每天只想着吃，没时间去算计别人。
91. Foodies are kind-hearted because they only think about eating and have no time to scheme against others.
92.连起床这么难的事情你都做到了，接下来的一天还有什么能难倒你！
92. If you can accomplish such a difficult task as getting up, what else in the day can stop you?
93.大金链子，小手表。一天三顿小烧烤。青春献给小酒桌。醉生梦死就是喝。社会小酒天天喝。早晚死在小饭桌。
93. Big gold chains, small watches. Three meals a day of barbecue. Youth is dedicated to the small drinking table. Drunk and dreaming is all about drinking. Social little wine is drunk every day. Sooner or later, you’ll die at the small dining table.
94.家里有钱，开一13开门的凯迪拉克。一听声音就知道是好机器，德国进口的，“突突突突”。一开起来，半个北京城冒黑烟。
94. If you have money at home, drive a 13-door Cadillac. Just by listening to the sound, you know it’s a good machine, imported from Germany, “thud thud thud thud”. When it starts, half of Beijing City emits black smoke.
95.你像风轻盈，你像水温柔，你像雾朦胧，你像月浪漫，你像日热情，你像海宽容，你像牛健康，你像龟长寿，你像兔可爱，总之一句话：你没一点像人！
95. You are as light as the wind, as gentle as water, as hazy as fog, as romantic as the moon, as passionate as the sun, as tolerant as the sea, as healthy as an ox, as long-lived as a turtle, as cute as a rabbit, in short: you don’t have a single human trait!
96.你知道男人这一生最痛苦的事情是什么吗？是没媳妇。那你知道男人更痛苦的事情是什么吗？有媳妇，跟别人跑了。
96. Do you know the most painful thing in a man’s life? It’s not having a wife. And do you know what’s even more painful for a man? Having a wife, but she ran away with someone else.
97.听君一席话，自挂东南枝。
97. After listening to your words, I’d rather hang myself on the southeast branch.
98.曾经相信能把日子过成段子，如今只盼别把日子变成案子。
98. I used to believe that I could turn life into jokes, but now I just hope not to turn life into a case.
99.任何一条消息在经过官方否认之前都不能相信。
99. You cannot believe any news before it is officially denied.
100.“如果你老婆和你情人同时掉进水里，请问你是再找一个丰满型的还是娇小型的?”“还找不会游泳的。”
100. “If your wife and lover fall into the water at the same time, would you look for a voluptuous type or a petite type?” “Still look for someone who can’t swim.”
1.神知道你口渴，创造了水；神知道你饿，创造了米；神知道你没有一个可爱的朋友，所以创造了我；然而神也知道这世上没有苯蛋，顺便创造了你。
1. God knew you were thirsty, so he created water; God knew you were hungry, so he created rice; God knew you needed a lovely friend, so he created me; but God also knew there were no fools in the world, so he created you.
2.听说你在谈恋爱很有一手，很多美女都为你的浪漫而着迷，你的手段简直比奥斯卡的电影还经典，如果拍成电影的话，那简直就是活脱脱一部《美女与野兽》！
2. I heard that you are quite skilled in love affairs, and many beauties are fascinated by your romance. Your methods are even more classic than Oscar-winning movies. If turned into a movie, it would be a perfect “Beauty and the Beast”!
3.“大雪分飞风怒吼,你独自一人屋檐走.行人冻的瑟瑟抖,忽听一声”“抓小偷”“,一不小心失了手,被人抓住打烂头.我愿天工重抖擞,让看信息的变小狗．”
3. “Heavy snow and howling winds, you walk alone under the eaves. Passersby shiver from the cold, suddenly hearing a cry of ‘Catch the thief!’, you accidentally miss your grip and get caught, getting your head beaten. I wish the heavens would intervene and turn the person reading this message into a little dog.”
4.我难过的时候会和一个傻瓜诉说，我开心的时候会和一个傻瓜分享，我出游的时候会和一个傻瓜作伴。想知道那个傻瓜是谁吗？那人正看着短信呢。
4. When I’m sad, I talk to a fool; when I’m happy, I share with a fool; when I travel, I have a fool as my companion. Want to know who that fool is? The person reading this message.
5.上司：就是经常开空头支票忽悠你的人；对手：就是经常因为你不开心而开心的人；朋友：就是经常三更半夜毫无理由骚扰你的人；我：对不起，骚扰你了。
5. Boss: someone who often deceives you with empty promises; rival: someone who is happy because you are unhappy; friend: someone who often disturbs you for no reason in the middle of the night; me: sorry for bothering you.
6.想你想的无法入睡，爱你爱的深情陶醉，看你看的精神疲惫，做梦梦到你N+回，我还是那样寂寞无助，希望你早日飞到我的账户，钱，回来吧！
6. I miss you so much that I can’t sleep, I love you so deeply that I’m intoxicated, I’m mentally exhausted from looking at you, and I dream of you N+ times, yet I still feel lonely and helpless. I hope you come back to my account soon, money, come back!
7.当你个人空虚寂寞时，西瓜也许是你最好的发泄，你可以用刀割它削它砍它劈它，同时你可以高声喊：我杀瓜我杀瓜我杀瓜啊！
7. When you feel empty and lonely, a watermelon might be the best outlet for you. You can cut, peel, chop, and split it, while shouting loudly: “I kill melons, I kill melons, I kill melons!”
8.许多夜晚，你轻柔的依偎在我的身上，用纤纤手触摸我身上娇嫩的地方，吸允我珍贵的体液，才肯松开口离。唉！这该死的蚊子！
8. Many nights, you gently snuggle against me, touching the tender parts of my body with your delicate hands, sucking my precious fluids, only to let go when you’re satisfied. Oh, you damned mosquito!
9.你像风轻盈，你像水温柔，你像雾朦胧，你像月浪漫，你像日热情，你像海宽容，你像牛健康，你像龟长寿，你像兔可爱，总之一句话：你没一处像人。
9. You are as light as the wind, as gentle as water, as hazy as the fog, as romantic as the moon, as passionate as the sun, as tolerant as the sea, as healthy as a cow, as long-lived as a turtle, as cute as a rabbit. In short, you don’t have a single human trait.
10.真的对不起，我只是跟你随便说说，天冷了吃驴肉火锅肯定不错，没想到你会生气地对我怒吼：我哥怎么得罪你了，你要残忍地把他放入火锅，那可是我亲哥。
10. I’m really sorry, I just casually mentioned it to you. Eating donkey meat hot pot must be great in cold weather, but I didn’t expect you to get angry and roar at me: “What did my brother do to offend you? You want to cruelly put him in the hot pot? That’s my own brother!”
11.我是一棵孤独的树，千百年来矗立在路旁，寂寞的等待，只为有一天当你从我身边走过时，为你倾倒，砸不扁你就算白活了。
11. I am a lonely tree, standing by the roadside for thousands of years, waiting in solitude, just for the day when you pass by me, so I can fall for you, and if I don’t flatten you, my life would be in vain.
12.江湖上知道你武功高强，但你不能骄傲，做到人中有剑，剑中有人，人剑合一，做到了这一点，你就不再是人，是剑人！剑人！剑人！
12. In the world of martial arts, it is known that you have exceptional skills, but you must not be arrogant. Achieve the unity of man and sword, and when you reach this level, you are no longer a human, but a swordman! Swordman! Swordman!
13.你看你，美国头，法国腰，印度鼻子，香港脚，人不人，鬼不鬼，只有一个脑袋，两条腿，你看看你，还在看着短信咧着嘴！
13. Look at you, with an American head, French waist, Indian nose, and Hong Kong feet. You’re neither human nor ghost, just one head and two legs. Look at you, still reading the message and grinning!
14.红红的太阳蓝蓝的天，农民要看三级片，兴奋地冲进电影院，愤怒的叫喊震翻了天。村长跑来问啥事，农民说“看短信的那人不主演，打死我们也不给钱”。
14. The red sun and blue sky, farmers want to watch porn, excitedly rush into the cinema, and their angry shouts shake the heavens. The village head comes to ask what’s going on, and the farmer says, “The person who sent the message isn’t the lead actor; we won’t pay even if we die.”
15.明天下午有空吗？我想去找你，你到车站接我好吗？不过我怕人多不好认，你把头弄成爆炸式，右手拿木棒，左手端个瓷碗与我联系，接头暗号：行行好吧！
15. Are you free tomorrow afternoon? I want to come and see you. Can you pick me up at the station? But I’m afraid it’ll be hard to recognize you in the crowd. Make your hair an explosion style, hold a wooden stick in your right hand, and a porcelain bowl in your left hand to contact me. Password: Please help me!
16.我梦见你了，你用白云做件衣裳，向小鸟借双翅膀，在屁股后插个扫把，然后剑一般得飞到我身旁，深情得告诉我：你知道嘛？鸟人就这模样。
16. I had a dream about you, where you made a garment out of white clouds, borrowed a pair of wings from a little bird, and attached a broom to your behind. Then, you flew to my side like a sword and affectionately told me: “You know? This is what a birdman looks like.”
17.当你拿起镜子，看着自己那圆圆的脸，高高的鼻，迷人的眼，性感的嘴，有福的耳，你会大声的感叹—-猪啊！
17. When you pick up a mirror and look at your round face, high nose, charming eyes, sexy mouth, and fortunate ears, you will exclaim loudly: “Pig!”
18.众水族给老龙王祝寿，席间龟丞相从怀中掏出一物，看了看，又放了回去。龙王忙问：龟丞相又有何事？虾兵蟹将赶紧答道：老王八又收到短信了。
18. During the birthday celebration for the Dragon King, the Tortoise Prime Minister took out something from his pocket, looked at it, and put it back. The Dragon King asked: “What’s the matter, Tortoise Prime Minister?” The shrimp soldiers and crab generals quickly replied: “The old turtle has received another text message.”
19.你长得很有创意，活着是你的勇气，丑并非你的本意，如果没有了你，谁能衬托出世界的美丽！
19. You have a very creative appearance, and it takes courage for you to live. Ugliness is not your fault, and without you, who would highlight the beauty of the world!
20.老虎读了三国之后，去抓野猪，见猪窝无一猪，摸摸胡须说：空城计！转身见兽夹上有一死猪，大惊：苦肉计！忽然又看见了你，大喜：唷嗬，还有美人计啊！
20. After reading Romance of the Three Kingdoms, the tiger went to catch wild boars and found no pigs in the den. He touched his beard and said, “Empty Fort Strategy!” Turning around, he saw a dead pig in a trap and was shocked: “Bitter Flesh Strategy!” Suddenly, he saw you and was delighted: “Oh, there’s even a beauty strategy!”
21.癞蛤蟆追求天鹅，天鹅不屑地说：我要是你长成这样早就去死了！蛤蟆不服：那猪还活得好好的呢？猪听了，觉得委屈：我招谁惹谁了，我只是在看短信！
21. A toad pursued a swan, but the swan disdainfully said: “If I looked like you, I would have killed myself long ago!” The toad disagreed: “But the pig is still living happily!” The pig felt wronged: “What did I do? I was just reading a text message!”
22.有一种思念叫魂牵梦绕，有一种爱情叫白头到老，有一种美丽叫花容月貌，有一种约定叫天荒地老，有一种问候叫小猪你好！
22. There is a kind of longing called “dreaming of you,” a kind of love called “growing old together,” a kind of beauty called “as beautiful as a flower,” a kind of promise called “forever,” and a kind of greeting called “hello, little pig!”
23.如果没有风，云不会动；如果没有水，鱼不能游；如果没有太阳，月亮就不会有光；如果没有你……笨人也就不存在了。
23. Without wind, clouds wouldn’t move; without water, fish couldn’t swim; without the sun, the moon wouldn’t shine; without you… there would be no fools.
24.明天你醒来，枕边躺着一只蚊子，旁边留有遗书：我奋斗了一夜也没能刺破你的脸，你的脸皮厚得让我无颜活在世上，主啊！请原谅他，我是自杀的！
24. Tomorrow, when you wake up, you’ll find a mosquito lying next to you with a suicide note: “I’ve been trying all night but couldn’t pierce your face. Your thick skin makes me ashamed to live in this world. Lord, please forgive him. I’m committing suicide!”
25.上帝看到人口渴所以创造了水，看到世界的黑暗所以创造了火，上帝知道我需要一个朋友，所以你出现了，于是上帝失去一个装饭的桶！
25. God saw that people were thirsty, so he created water; he saw the darkness of the world, so he created fire; he knew I needed a friend, so you appeared, and then God lost a rice bucket!
26.“今天晚上有流星雨,听说到时候会有一只猪从天上飞过,可惜我要睡觉,你就好了,有那么多人看你飞！”
26. “Tonight there will be a meteor shower, and it’s said that a pig will fly across the sky. It’s a pity that I have to sleep, but you’re lucky; so many people will watch you fly!”
27.半夜三更，厕所无灯；你去解手，掉进茅坑；与蛆搏斗，与屎竞争；无人救你，壮烈牺牲；生得伟大，死得无声；为纪念你，厕所安灯！
27. In the middle of the night, the toilet has no light; you go to relieve yourself and fall into the pit; fighting with maggots and competing with feces; no one saves you, and you die a heroic death; born great, died silently; in memory of you, a light is installed in the toilet!
28.听说你被拐卖，真的把我吓坏。好替那人担心，卖得掉你才怪！
28. I heard you were kidnapped, which really scared me. I worry for the kidnapper, as it would be strange if they could sell you!
29.没有你的日子，生活变得难受，我恨那个可恶的第三者把你抢走，你和他是否有了新感情？好想你再回到我身边啊―钱包！
29. Without you, life becomes unbearable. I hate the despicable third party who took you away. Do you have a new relationship with him? I miss you and want you back by my side, wallet!
30.时代真是进步了，发色越来越多了，眼睛也能变色了，指甲也能镶钻了，肚脐也能打孔了，笨笨也能看短信了，呵呵，愿你笑口常开，天天都有好心情。
30. Times have changed; hair colors have become more diverse, eyes can change color, nails can be studded with diamonds, belly buttons can be pierced, and even fools can read text messages. I hope you smile often and have a good mood every day.
31.不知不觉地，我和你的感情已经非常深厚了。我也很清楚此时此刻你舍不得离开我，但是，如果你还不赶快的话就来不及了：打狗队已经出动了！
31. Unconsciously, my feelings for you have become very deep. I know you can’t bear to leave me at this moment, but if you don’t hurry, it will be too late: the dog-catching team has already set out!
32.一二三四五六七，妈妈带你去买糖吃，什么糖，奶糖，什么奶，牛奶，什么牛，水牛，什么水，清水，什么清，青蛙，什么挖，挖你的脑袋做西瓜！！！
32. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, mother takes you to buy candy. What kind of candy? Milk candy. What kind of milk? Cow’s milk. What kind of cow? Water buffalo. What kind of water? Clear water. What kind of clear? Frog. What kind of dig? Dig your head to make a watermelon!
33.在人生的旅途上，你有时候看不到我在你身后，不是我把你遗忘，也不是让你一个人去走，而是我选择走在你的后面，当你不小心跌倒时，我就跑上去…踩两脚
33. On the journey of life, sometimes you can’t see me behind you. It’s not that I’ve forgotten you, nor that I’m letting you walk alone. It’s just that I choose to walk behind you, so when you accidentally fall, I can run up and… step on you twice.
34.对面的MM看过来，看过来，看过来，我发的短信很精彩，请不要假装不理不睬；对面的MM回电话，回电话，回电话，不要被我的声音吓坏，其实我很和蔼。
34. Hey, girl across the way, look over here, look over here, the text message I’m sending is very exciting, please don’t pretend to ignore it; girl across the way, call back, call back, call back, don’t be scared by my voice, I’m actually very friendly.
35.买彩票，我问：买单还是买双？你说：买单。猜拳时，我问：买单还是买双？你说：买单。我去买钻戒，我问：如果是你，买单只还是买一对？你说：我买单！
35. Buying lottery tickets, I asked: odd or even? You said: odd. When playing rock-paper-scissors, I asked: odd or even? You said: odd. When I’m buying a diamond ring, I ask: if it were you, would you buy a single ring or a pair? You said: I’ll take the odd one!
36.“一天,小乌龟收到恶意短信.他对妈妈说:”“有人给我发恶意短信!”“妈妈说:”“猪才看呢,是乌龟就不看!”“”
36. One day, little turtle received a malicious text message. He said to his mom: “Someone sent me a malicious text message!” His mom replied: “Pigs read them, but if you’re a turtle, don’t read it!”
37.饿的时候不吃！我做到了；困的时候不睡！我也做到了；冷的时候不加衣，我又做到了。我这么强的一个人，可惜啊，想你的时候，不告诉你，我没做到……
37. When I’m hungry, I don’t eat! I’ve done it; when I’m sleepy, I don’t sleep! I’ve done it; when I’m cold, I don’t add clothes, I’ve done it too. I’m such a strong person, but unfortunately, I haven’t been able to resist telling you when I miss you…
38.嘿，你在哪？如果在路上，那祝你平安，如果在工作，祝你顺利；如果在聚会，祝你尽兴；如果在家，祝你温馨；如果正在笑，那就祝你继续傻笑个不停吧！
38. Hey, where are you? If you’re on the road, I wish you safety; if you’re at work, I wish you success; if you’re at a party, I wish you to have fun; if you’re at home, I wish you warmth; if you’re laughing, then I wish you to keep laughing like a fool!
39.听说你最近很牛，普京扶你下飞机，布什给你当司机，麦当娜陪你上楼梯，金喜善给你烤烧鸡，刘德华帮你倒垃圾，连我都要给你发短信息！
39. I heard that you’ve been very impressive lately, Putin helps you get off the plane, Bush is your driver, Madonna accompanies you up the stairs, Kim Hee-seon roasts a chicken for you, Andy Lau takes out the trash for you, and even I have to send you a text message!
40.沙和尚说:我有十八变，八戒说:我有三十六变，悟空说:我有七十二变。唐僧大怒:西去的路上也没见你们变个电话，你看人家妖怪还拿着手机看短信呢！
40. Sha Monk said: I have 18 transformations, Pigsy said: I have 36 transformations, Wukong said: I have 72 transformations. Tang Sanzang became furious: On the way to the West, I haven’t seen you guys transform a phone, look at the demons, they’re even checking text messages on their phones!
41.我和你的友谊，丰富了我的感情：你哭的时候我也哭；你笑的时候我也笑；你从高楼跳出去，我也会毫不犹豫地探出头去大声喊：哇噻！不死才怪！
41. My friendship with you has enriched my emotions: when you cry, I cry too; when you laugh, I laugh too; when you jump out of a high-rise building, I will not hesitate to stick my head out and shout loudly: Wow! It’s strange that you’re not dead!
42.送你有屎以来，粪量最重的礼物，你一定会大吃一斤，如果不够，还请自便。
42. I give you the heaviest gift since the invention of feces, you will definitely be amazed, and if it’s not enough, please help yourself.
43.夜，已经很深了，我从梦中醒来，因为我想起了你，为什么你总在深夜的时候悄然离我而去，我真的很需要你。啊！枕头又掉哪里去了。
43. The night has become very deep, I woke up from my dream because I thought of you, why do you always leave me quietly in the middle of the night, I really need you. Ah! Where did my pillow go again?
44.要是饿了咋办?来份火锅涮涮!要是渴了咋办?去海边转转!要是没钱咋办?找个傻子骗骗!要是没胆咋办?找拉登练练!要是想你咋办?到猪圈看看!
44. What if you’re hungry? Have a hot pot! What if you’re thirsty? Go to the beach! What if you have no money? Trick a fool! What if you have no courage? Train with Bin Laden! What if you miss me? Go take a look at the pigsty!
45.很想约你到海边吹凉风，感受天气变化的前沿；漫步沙滩，看点点浪花触摸海的浪漫；和你爬上最高的石头，一脚踢你下海：冷死你这不回信息的家伙！
45. I really want to invite you to the seaside to enjoy the cool breeze, feel the forefront of weather changes; walk on the beach, watch the romantic touch of the waves; and climb the highest rock with you, then kick you into the sea: freeze you to death, you who don’t reply to messages!
46.“天上的星星滴流转,兔子烧火猫做饭,闲得小狗没事干,拿着手机不停看:一只前爪还在按…向下按…向下按…叫你按你就按,好可爱的小笨蛋.”
46. The stars in the sky are twinkling, the rabbit is making a fire, the cat is cooking, the dog is idle with nothing to do, holding his phone and constantly looking at it: one front paw is still pressing… down… down… down… You press when I tell you to press, what a cute little fool.
47.青春无限好，没你太无聊，网络上千万，你来他就跑，夜半人无眠，知己太难找，花下痴情者，有你就够了！
47. Youth is infinite and wonderful, but it’s so boring without you. Among millions on the internet, they all run away when you come. In the middle of the night, when people can’t sleep, it’s hard to find a confidant. Among those who are infatuated with flowers, having you is enough!
48.秋日天空灿烂，你在何处浪漫？看你整日乱窜，使我心烦意乱；我之你已成年，爱慕异性难免；以你优势条件，不能总是随便；你是纯种家犬，别和笨狗相恋！
48. The autumn sky is brilliant, where are you being romantic? Watching you run around all day makes me restless and agitated. Since you have grown up, it’s inevitable to have crushes; with your excellent conditions, you can’t always be casual; you are a pure
49.“今天有人看见你了,你还是那样的迷人,穿着格子背心,慢悠悠的在大街上走着,真不知道你当年是怎么赛过兔子的.”
49. “Today, someone saw you, and you were still as charming as ever, wearing a plaid vest and strolling leisurely on the street. I really don’t know how you managed to outrun the rabbit back then.”
50.无聊时，我想你。寂寞时，我要你。你是我一生追求的最爱。没有你我的生活无意义。当我穷困时。你走了。回来吧！可爱的人民币。
50. When I’m bored, I think of you. When I’m lonely, I want you. You are the love I’ve been pursuing all my life. Without you, my life is meaningless. When I was poor, you left. Come back! Dear RMB.
51.“茶要喝浓的,直到淡而味。酒要喝醉的，永远不想醒来。猪蹄要皮厚肉多的，噫！拿着手机的就不错！哈….哈….天天开心啊！”
51. “Tea should be strong, until it becomes weak and tasteless. Wine should be drunk until you never want to wake up. Pig’s trotters should be thick-skinned and meaty. Ah! The one holding a mobile phone is not bad! Ha… Ha… Happy every day!”
52.若我有一颗糖，我会送你，因为我想你快乐；若我有两颗糖，我们就一人一颗，我想我们一起快乐；若我有三颗糖，我会送你两颗，因为我希望你蛀牙。
52. If I have one candy, I’ll give it to you because I want you to be happy; if I have two candies, we’ll each have one, and I want us both to be happy; if I have three candies, I’ll give you two because I hope you get cavities.
53.雨下的断断续续，引起我无限的思绪，说白了就是想你！等到风和日丽，我还带你去那片绿草地，但事先我和你约定：只准吃草不准拱地！
53. The rain falls intermittently, stirring up my endless thoughts. To be honest, I miss you! When the weather is fine, I’ll take you to that green meadow, but first, I make a deal with you: only eat grass and don’t dig up the ground!
54.今天天是你生日，你的朋友为你点了一首动力火车“当”，请拿你的手机在地板上狠狠的敲一下，好，点歌完毕。
54. Today is your birthday, and your friend has ordered a song for you, “Dang” by Power Station. Please hit your phone on the floor hard, okay, the song is ordered.
55.有一只天鹅对耐葛宝说：你长得那丑，还想娶我！耐葛宝听了，不服气说：我还算好的，你看猪，比我还丑！正看短信的猪听了不服说：你说你的，咋扯上我呢！
55. A swan said to Nigebao: You’re so ugly, and you still want to marry me! Nigebao, hearing this, disagreed and said: I’m not that bad. Look at the pig; it’s uglier than me! The pig reading the text message disagreed and said: I’m just talking, why involve me!
56.春天的花开了，是你的笑容；夏天的太阳火了，是你的热情；秋天的果实熟了，是你的收成。嘿嘿！小狗熊，这样你就可以安心地冬眠了！
56. Spring flowers have bloomed, like your smile; summer sun is scorching, like your passion; autumn fruits are ripe, like your harvest. Hey! Little bear, now you can hibernate peacefully!
57.如果醒着，就一直醒；如果睡着，就继续睡。如果散步，就该放松；如果赛跑，就尽全力。做事专心致志，目标始终如一，坚持不懈才能创造奇迹。加油朋友！
57. If you’re awake, stay awake; if you’re asleep, keep sleeping. If you’re walking, relax; if you’re racing, give your all. Focus on what you do, stay consistent with your goals, and persistence can create miracles. Cheer up, friend!
58.想你，是件很快乐的事．见你，是件很开心的事．爱你，是我永远要做的事．把你放在心上是我一直在做的事．不过，骗你，是刚刚发生的事！呵呵
58. Missing you is a very happy thing. Seeing you is a very joyful thing. Loving you is what I will always do. Keeping you in my heart is what I’ve always been doing. However, deceiving you just happened! Hehe.
59.“我悄悄的蒙上你的眼睛,轻轻地在你脚下放块香蕉皮,温柔地看着你踩上去,微笑地看你满地找牙!然后浅浅一笑:看你还敢不敢忘记我!”
59. “I quietly cover your eyes, gently place a banana peel under your feet, and watch you step on it with a smile. I watch you search for your teeth on the ground and then give a faint smile: See if you dare to forget me!”
60.你走在路上，一母狗扑向你从你的脚上咬了一块肉，迅速吞下去，你伸脚正要踢它的时候，狗含着泪说：你打吧，反正肚子里已经有了你的骨肉。
60. You’re walking on the street when a female dog pounces on you and bites a piece of meat from your foot, swallowing it quickly. As you raise your foot to kick it, the dog says with tears in its eyes: Go ahead and hit me, for I already have your flesh in my stomach.
61.“这次发信息,主要有三个目的：一是联络感情；二是打发时间；三是我很负责任地告诉你：夏天到了，送句很有技术含量的话：天气热了，记得把开裆裤换上。”
61. “The main purpose of this message is threefold: to maintain our relationship; to pass the time; and to responsibly inform you: summer is here, so remember to put on your open-crotch pants.”
62.你和我在两小无猜的儿时就开始在一起玩了，我会唱支歌，而你会跳支舞，我们也经常一起表演，所以人们就叫我二百哥，叫你二百舞！
62. You and I have been together since childhood, playing and growing up. I can sing a song, and you can dance. We often perform together, so people call me Brother 200, and you, Dance 200.
63.没事！没事！没事！没事！没事！没事！没事！没事！没事！没事！没事！没事！没事！没事！就跟你说没事了你还按个屁啊！
63. It’s nothing! It’s nothing! It’s nothing! It’s nothing! It’s nothing! It’s nothing! It’s nothing! It’s nothing! It’s nothing! It’s nothing! It’s nothing! It’s nothing! It’s nothing! I told you it’s nothing, so why are you still pressing it?
64.“发废话会花费，回发废话话费挥发,发废话花费话费会后悔，花费话费回发废话会耗费，发废话回发废话全花话费，怎样，一毛钱就弄晕你！”
64. “Sending nonsense messages costs money, replying to nonsense messages wastes money, regret spending money on nonsense messages, spending money on replying to nonsense messages is exhausting, and sending and replying to nonsense messages all cost money. How about that? I’ve confused you with just a dime!”
65.根据统计，每三个人中就有一个是脑残。反正我不是，统计的人也不是……那么收到这条信息的你作为第三个人……哈哈，开个玩笑，要开心哦！
65. According to statistics, one out of every three people is a fool. Anyway, I’m not, and the person who counted isn’t either… So, as the third person who received this message, you… Haha, just kidding, be happy!
66.上帝说满足我一个愿望，我说要世界和平，他说太难了换一个吧，我拿出你的照片说要这个人变得漂亮点，他沉思了一下说道：“拿地球仪我再看看！！”
66. God said to grant me one wish, I said world peace, he said it was too difficult to change it, I took out your photo and said make this person more beautiful, he pondered for a while and said, “Let me see the globe again!”
67.你爱好清洁每天拖地，你身材妙曼亭亭玉立，你性格羞赧默默无语，你世外仙姝独行特立，你任劳任怨毫无娇气，你会传为佳话，可爱的拖把！
67. You love cleanliness and mop the floor every day, you have a graceful figure, you are shy and silent, you are a unique beauty, you are hardworking and unpretentious, you will become a legend, lovely mop!
68.耳朵痒吗？那代表我在想你，眼睛痒吗？那代表我想见你，嘴痒吗？那代表我想吻你，身体痒吗？那代表……别瞎想了，都快长虱子了，赶快洗澡去吧！
68. Is your ear itching? That means I’m thinking of you, is your eye itching? That means I want to see you, is your mouth itching? That means I want to kiss you, is your body itching? That means… Don’t think too much, you’re almost lousy, hurry up and take a bath!
69.刚才朋友聊天，有谈到你，知道吗？我和他们吵了起来，还差点动手，因为他们有的说你像猴子，有的说你像猩猩，实在太过分了！根本没有把你当猪看！
69. Just now, my friends and I were chatting, and we talked about you, you know? I argued with them and almost fought, because some said you looked like a monkey, and some said you looked like an orangutan, it’s too much! They didn’t even consider you as a pig!
70.也许，你还没发觉。你快乐，我才会快乐；你难过，我心里也不好过。如你冷落了我，我会自甘堕落！我是个老实人，不会说骗人的话，只这句除外，哈哈！
70. Maybe you haven’t realized it yet. If you’re happy, I’ll be happy; if you’re sad, I’ll feel bad too. If you ignore me, I’ll be willing to degenerate! I’m an honest person and don’t tell lies, except for this sentence, haha!
71.做家具的是木材，懂诗词的是秀才，众人想的是钱财，被培养的是人才，女人要的是身材，发消息的是天才，正看短信的是蠢才。
71. Furniture is made of wood, poetry is understood by scholars, everyone thinks about money, talents are cultivated, women want a good figure, the one who sends messages is a genius, the one who is reading the message is a fool.
72.人活着真累，站着直想睡，上车得排队，吃饭没香味，喝酒还易醉，上班特疲惫，唉，就连给小狗发个短信还得收费。愚人节快乐！
72. Life is really tiring, standing up makes you want to sleep, getting on the bus requires waiting in line, the food has no flavor, drinking alcohol gets you drunk easily, working is particularly exhausting, sigh, even sending a message to a puppy requires a fee. Happy April Fool’s Day!
73.你又在工作吧？我不止一次的对你说不要这么玩命的工作，要注意身体。可你总是意味深长的说：不趁天暖多滚几个粪球，冬天我吃什么？
73. Are you working again? I’ve told you more than once not to work so hard and pay attention to your health. But you always say meaningfully: If I don’t roll more dung balls while it’s warm, what will I eat in winter?
74.在茫茫人海中，当你收到这份祝福的时候，请你用尽全力往墙上撞，看见没有，你眼前无数的星星就是我对你的祝愿…
74. In the vast sea of people, when you receive this blessing, please use all your strength to hit the wall, see, the countless stars in front of you are my wishes for you…
75.据说前阵子你向一女子告白，被骂：你算哪根葱啊！她实在太不懂欣赏了，只有我知道你跟别人是不一样的。因为你的理想是开出葱花，然后假冒水仙！
75. It is said that you confessed to a girl not long ago and were scolded: Who do you think you are? She really doesn’t know how to appreciate, only I know that you are different from others. Because your ideal is to grow scallions and then pretend to be a daffodil!
76.明天起，市府决定清除所有长相丑陋有损市容的弱智青年！你快收拾东西出去避风头，别说是我通知你的，切记！不用感谢
76. Starting tomorrow, the city will clear all ugly and unattractive young people who damage the city’s appearance! You’d better pack up and avoid the trouble, don’t say I didn’t tell you, remember! No need to thank me.
77.收到此信息是粉嘟嘟猪.删除此信息是非洲小猪.回复此信息是野猪林野猪.不回复是卢旺达猪.储存是乌克兰大白猪.转发是本地小呆猪.嘿嘿`看你咋办?
77. Receiving this message makes you a pink pig. Deleting this message makes you an African pig. Replying to this message makes you a wild boar in the forest. Not replying makes you a Rwandan pig. Saving it makes you a Ukrainian white pig. Forwarding it makes you a local little silly pig. Hehe, what will you do?
78.叽叽叽喳喳喳，今天的怪事真正多。天上的鸟儿学游泳，水里的鱼儿学飞舞。这都不算最稀奇，还有一只小猪在看信息，猪蹄一按又一按，边看信息还边笑！
78. Cheep cheep, today’s strange things are really many. The birds in the sky learn to swim, the fish in the water learn to fly. This is not the most bizarre thing, there is also a little pig reading the message, with its trotters pressing and pressing, reading the message and laughing!
79.刚才和朋友聊天，其中有谈到你，知道吗？我和他们吵了起来，还差点动手打起来，因为他们有的说你像猴子，有的说你像猩猩，实在太过分了！根本没有把你放在眼里。
79. Just now, I was chatting with my friends, and they talked about you, you know? I argued with them and almost started fighting, because some said you looked like a monkey, and some said you looked like an orangutan, it’s too much! They didn’t even put you in their eyes.
80.如果天黑了，那是我想你了；如果地陷了，那是我念你了；如果海啸了，那是我盼你了。如果没收到我短信，那就是手机该摔了，如果你不回复我，哈哈，那就是你欠扁了！
1. If it gets dark, it means I miss you; if the ground collapses, it means I’m thinking of you; if there’s a tsunami, it means I’m longing for you. If you don’t receive my message, it’s time to drop the phone, and if you don’t reply to me, haha, then you’re asking for a beating!
1.春有百花秋有月，夏有凉风冬有雪。若无烦事挂心头，便是人间好时节。
1. In spring, there are flowers; in autumn, there’s the moon; in summer, there’s a cool breeze; in winter, there’s snow. If no troubles weigh on the mind, it’s a fine season in the human world.
2.没有人能预测未来，所以总有人后悔当初。
2. No one can predict the future, so there will always be regrets.
3.只有不可替代，你才不会被炒掉，但一直不可替代，就不会被提拔。
3. Only the irreplaceable won’t be fired, but being always irreplaceable means no promotion.
4.春天来了，绿意盎然，他也来了，一身绿装！md，连帽子也是绿色的！
4. Spring has arrived, with greenery everywhere, and he has come too, dressed in green! Damn, even his hat is green!
5.我以前很瘦，未来也很瘦，所以我现在先胖个一段时间，不然人生不圆满。
5. I used to be thin, and I will be thin in the future, so I’d better be fat for a while now, otherwise life won’t be perfect.
6.“我好喜欢你头像”“干嘛还带后面俩字”。
6. “I really like your avatar.” “Why do you have to add those two words at the end?”
7.要命的夏天来了，谁要是能给我们班教室装台空调，我们就把班主任嫁给他。
7. The deadly summer is coming. Whoever can install an air conditioner in our classroom will get to marry our headteacher.
8.千万别跟我求婚，一求婚我就会答应。
8. Please don’t propose to me, because I’ll say yes.
9.人生三愿：一是吃得下饭，二是睡得着觉，三是笑得出来。
9. Three wishes in life: to eat well, to sleep well, and to laugh out loud.
10.我身在江湖，江湖却没有关于我的传说。
10. I am in the world of martial arts, but there are no legends about me.
11.男女调情的时候，诞生了最具特色的汉字：凹凸。
11. When men and women flirt, the most distinctive Chinese character is created: “concave-convex.”
12.早知道他不是好东西，就是忘了说了。
12. I knew he was no good, but I just forgot to say it.
13.让暴风雨来得更猛烈些吧，反正我是卖伞的！
13. Let the storm come even stronger, since I sell umbrellas!
14.你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
14. You might as well let me kneel on the washboard, because I can’t stand kneeling in front of the electric heater!
15.“捷克斯洛伐克”！我叫JACK，我老婆总这样抱怨我。
15. “Checkerslovakia”! My name is Jack, and my wife always complains like this.
16.高中时每人发个胸牌。一次来检查前，班主任跑到教室大声喊，大家快把胸罩戴起来，来检查的啦…全场鸦雀无声…
16. In high school, everyone was given a badge. Once, before an inspection, the headteacher ran into the classroom and shouted loudly, “Everyone, put on your bras, the inspectors are coming…” The whole room fell silent…
17.不在放荡中变坏，就在沉默中变态。
17. If not corrupted by indulgence, then perverted by silence.
18.有时解释是不必要的，敌人不信你的解释，朋友无须你的解释。
18. Sometimes explanations are unnecessary, for enemies won’t believe your explanations, and friends don’t need them.
19.一张文凭、二国语言(精通英文)、三房一厅、四季名牌、五官端正、六六(落落)大方、七千月薪、八面玲珑、九(酒)烟不沾、十分老实。
19. A diploma, two languages (proficient in English), three bedrooms and a living room, four seasons of designer brands, good-looking, generous, a monthly salary of 7,000, and being skillful in dealing with others. No (wine) smoking or drinking.
20.我们产生一点小分歧：她希望我把粪土变黄金，我希望她视黄金如粪土！
20. We have a small disagreement: she wants me to turn dirt into gold, while I want her to treat gold like dirt.
21.你们现在谈恋爱已经晚了，大学就应该全身心读书。。。。。。这个问题。应该初中高中就解决了。
21. It’s too late for you to fall in love now; you should have focused entirely on studying in college… This issue should have been resolved during junior and senior high school.
22.未来要和我结婚的那位：也不知道你现在给谁谈恋爱呢。别给人家浪费感情了、找个时间咱俩认识一下呗。
22. To the one who will marry me in the future: I don’t know who you’re dating right now. Don’t waste your feelings on them; find some time for us to get to know each other.
23.今天听到一个八岁的小姑娘唱，两只老虎，两只老虎，谈恋爱，谈恋爱。两只都是公的，两只都是公的，真变态，真变态。
23. Today, I heard an eight-year-old girl singing, “Two tigers, two tigers, in love, in love. Both are male, both are male, so perverted, so perverted.”
24.就算再挫也要谈恋爱，谈到世界充满爱！
24. Even if I’m a loser, I still want to fall in love, to make the world full of love!
25.我谈过最长的恋爱，就是自恋，我爱自己，没有情敌。
25. The longest relationship I’ve ever had is with myself; I love myself and have no rivals in love.
26.英雄不问出路，流氓不看岁数！
26. A hero doesn’t care about his origins, and a scoundrel doesn’t care about his age.
27.从猴子变成人需要成千上万年，从人变回猴子只用一瓶酒。
27. It takes thousands of years for a monkey to evolve into a human, but it only takes a bottle of alcohol for a human to devolve into a monkey.
28.你鱼肉百姓，百姓就人肉你。
28. If you exploit the people, they will devour you.
29.男人靠征服世界来征服女人！女人靠征服男人来征服世界！
29. Men conquer the world to conquer women, and women conquer men to conquer the world!
30.人们喜欢春风，厌恶寒风，其实寒风是无辜的，是温度在使坏！
30. People like the spring breeze and hate the cold wind, but the cold wind is innocent; it’s the temperature that’s to blame!
31.电脑是愤怒者的麦克风，深夜它传播着我们的骂声！
31. The computer is a microphone for the angry; in the deep night, it spreads our curses.
32.师太，你就从了老衲吧！…很久很久以后…师太，你就饶了老衲吧！
32. Nun, please give in to me… After a long, long time… Nun, please spare me!
33.男人膝下有黄金，我把整个腿都切下来了，连块铜也没找着！
33. There’s gold beneath a man’s knees; I’ve cut off my whole leg, but I didn’t even find a piece of copper!
34.人不能低下高贵的头，但捡钱时例外。
34. A person should never lower their noble head, except when picking up money.
35.小时候我以为自己长大后可以拯救整个世界，等长大后才发现整个世界都拯救不了我。
35. When I was young, I thought I could save the world when I grew up. But when I finally grew up, I realized the world couldn’t save me.
36.如果朋友可以出卖，每个值五块的话，我也能发笔小财了。
36. If I could sell my friends, and each was worth five dollars, I could make a small fortune.
37.世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
37. In this world, I only trust two people: one is me, and the other is not you.
38.电话费透支90万的判无期，撞死人的判3年，自动取款机恶意取款17万判无期，贪污几千万判10年。
38. A person who defaults on a 900,000 phone bill gets life imprisonment, a person who kills someone gets three years, a person who maliciously withdraws 170,000 from an ATM gets life imprisonment, and a person who embezzles tens of millions gets ten years.
39.我们可以躲开大家，却躲不开一只苍蝇。生活中使我们不快乐的常是一些芝麻小事。
39. We can avoid everyone, but we can’t avoid a fly. It’s often the little things in life that make us unhappy.
40.有一种人只做两件事：你成功了，他妒嫉你，你失败了，他笑话你。
40. There are people who do only two things: they envy you when you succeed, and they ridicule you when you fail.
41.不怕神一样的哥们，就怕狗一样的朋友。
41. I’m not afraid of friends who are like gods; I’m afraid of friends who are like dogs.
42.上帝给了我们七情六欲，我们却把它们变成了色情和暴力。
42. God gave us seven emotions and six desires, but we turned them into pornography and violence.
43.你没事儿老梦我干吗，我忙你不知道吗?
43. Why do you always dream of me when I’m busy? Don’t you know I’m busy?
44.别对我用美男计，否则我将计就计。
44. Don’t try to charm me with your good looks, or I’ll play along.
45.算命先生说我会在八十岁的时候遇到一生中就重要的女人，她叫孟婆。
45. A fortune teller said I would meet the most important woman in my life when I’m 80 years old; her name is Meng Po.
46.不要和我比懒，我懒得和你比。
46. Don’t compare with me on laziness, I’m too lazy to compare with you.
47.万水千山总是情，给点分数行不行？人间自有真情在，给个满分也是爱！
47. Mountains and rivers always represent love, can you give some points? True love exists in the world, giving full marks is also a kind of love!
48.如果婚姻是爱情的坟墓，那么相亲是为坟墓看风水，表白是自掘坟墓，结婚是双双殉情，移情别恋是迁坟，第三者是盗墓！
48. If marriage is the grave of love, then blind date is looking for the best feng shui for the grave, confession is digging one’s own grave, marriage is a double suicide, falling in love with someone else is moving the grave, and the third party is grave robbing!
49.上课时我老低头，老师问我为什么，我淡定的回答，低头思故乡！
49. I always look down during class, and when the teacher asked me why, I calmly replied, looking down to ponder my hometown!
50.富翁接受采访说，你很难想象我年轻时候吃过多少苦，当过黄牛，搞过搬运，做过走私……记者：我们都看到这些历练让你走向成功了。富翁说，不是，后来我终于娶了一个有钱的老婆。
50. A millionaire said in an interview, “You can hardly imagine how much hardship I went through when I was young, being a scalper, doing manual labor, and engaging in smuggling…” Reporter: “We can see that these experiences have led you to success.” Millionaire: “No, it was when I finally married a wealthy wife.”
51.只要你每天坚持自习，认真刻苦，态度端正，忍受孤独，最终的胜利肯定是属于那些考场上发挥好的人。
51. As long as you study hard every day, work diligently, maintain a proper attitude, and endure loneliness, the ultimate victory will definitely belong to those who perform well in exams.
52.青年靠什么混日子？头等青年靠出身，二等青年靠关系，三等青年靠天资，四等青年靠努力，五等青年耍文艺，六等青年打游戏，穷游，看美剧。
52. What do young people rely on to get by? First-class youth rely on their background, second-class youth rely on connections, third-class youth rely on talent, fourth-class youth rely on hard work, fifth-class youth indulge in arts, sixth-class youth play games, travel on a budget, and watch American TV series.
53.只有能力强会被当成纯技术人员；而光会社交拍马又会被认为没有真才实学；所以，要想在单位中脱颖而出，最重要的是有关系。
53. Only those with strong abilities will be considered as pure technical personnel; while those who are good at socializing and flattering will be seen as lacking real knowledge. Therefore, to stand out in a unit, the most important thing is to have connections.
54.一开始让我去学校的时候，其实我，是拒绝的。不能你让我去我就去。我跟妈妈讲，我拒绝，我要当海贼王的女人，去学校很没面子。妈妈跟我讲，去学校会加特技，“duang”很帅，很拉风。加了一会以后呢，我学习也都会是“duang”，很NB。我想让你们看到，我上学的时候是这个样子，你们上学的时候，也会是这个样子。
54. At first, when I was asked to go to school, I actually refused. I couldn’t just go because you told me to. I told my mom, “I refuse, I want to be the woman of the Pirate King, going to school is too embarrassing.” My mom said, “Going to school will add special effects, ‘duang,’ very handsome, very cool.” After a while, my studies would also be “duang,” very awesome. I want you to see that this is how I was when I went to school, and it will be the same for you when you go to school.
55.问：你遇到过哪些代沟？答：小学语文题关联词填空：60后：他宁可牺牲生命，也不出卖组织。70后：他害怕牺牲生命，所以出卖组织。80后：他与其牺牲生命，不如出卖组织。90后：他即使牺牲生命，也要出卖组织。00后：他白白牺牲生命，忘了出卖组织。
55. Q: What generation gaps have you encountered? A: Elementary school language lesson on connecting words: Post-60s: He would rather sacrifice his life than betray the organization. Post-70s: He was afraid of sacrificing his life, so he betrayed the organization. Post-80s: He would rather sacrifice his life than betray the organization. Post-90s: Even if he sacrifices his life, he will betray the organization. Post-00s: He sacrificed his life in vain, forgetting to betray the organization.
56.你长的很爱国很敬业很有骨气，你不会在背后说别人坏话，不会陷害别人，你是全世界最不龌龊的人，你品德高尚，你从不会倒打别人一耙，你诚实善良美丽多姿。原谅我刚才说了违心的话啊。
56. You look very patriotic, dedicated, and have backbone. You don’t gossip behind others’ backs, you don’t frame others, you are the least despicable person in the world, you have high moral standards, and you never turn against others. You are honest, kind, beautiful, and charming. Forgive me for speaking insincerely just now.
57.幸福就是，你吃素我吃肉，让你知道要奋斗；你骑车我坐车，要你身体健康多；你睡地我睡床，地利人和帮你忙；你花钱请我客，赚钱引擎需预热；你喝水我喝汤，平淡也有好时光；你劳碌我清闲，光荣传统你承传。
57. Happiness is when you eat vegetarian while I eat meat, motivating you to strive; you ride a bike while I ride in a car, wishing for your good health; you sleep on the ground while I sleep on a bed, helping you with the best of circumstances; you spend money to treat me, the engine of making money needs to be warmed up; you drink water while I drink soup, plain times can be good too; you work hard while I’m idle, carrying on the glorious tradition.
58.完了，想你想得快完了，半夜眼睛都蓝了，买东西都忘给钱了，猪肉炖粉条都不馋了，1+1=3都不难了，赵本山都看成孙楠了，哭得人民币都变成美元了。
58. It’s over, I’ve thought of you so much that I’m almost done for; my eyes turn blue in the middle of the night, I forget to pay when shopping, I’m not even tempted by pork stew with noodles, 1+1=3 is not difficult anymore, I’ve started seeing Zhao Benshan as Sun Nan, and I’ve cried so much that the renminbi has turned into US dollars.
59.漫漫人生路，谁不错几步，家里要保住，情人还得处；家里有个做饭的，单位留个好看的，外面养个可爱的，远方有个想念的；保住二，守住一，发展三四五六七！
59. In the long journey of life, everyone makes a few mistakes. Keep the family stable, and maintain relationships with lovers; have a cook at home, a good-looking colleague at work, a lovely companion outside, and someone to miss far away. Preserve the second, hold on to the first, and develop the third, fourth, fifth, and sixth.
60.工资全部上交，包括计划外的；剩饭全部承包，包括馊了的；家务活全干，包括岳母家的；思想天天汇报，包括一闪念的。
60. Hand over all the salary, including the unplanned extras; take responsibility for all the leftovers, even the spoiled ones; do all the housework, including your mother-in-law’s; report your thoughts daily, even the fleeting ones.
61.今天表白遭拒绝，女孩拒绝的理由：“咱俩不是一个世界的人，咱俩不合适。”我想说：“难道我TM是火星来的？跟地球人不合适？”
61. Today, I was rejected after confessing my feelings. The girl’s reason was, “We are not from the same world, we are not suitable.” I wanted to say, “Am I from Mars? Am I not suitable for Earthlings?”
62.我最大的本事就是把便宜的东西用出昂贵的效果来。比如相机，话筒，自己。
62. My greatest skill is using inexpensive things to create the effect of expensive ones. For example, cameras, microphones, and myself.
63.能用钱解决的问题都不是问题，可问题是我是穷人。
63. Money can solve problems, but the problem is, I am poor.
64.鸡的反抗是让自己的肉变得不好吃。
64. A chicken’s rebellion is to make its meat taste bad.
65.以为隐身别人就找不到我，没有用的，象我这么拉风的女人，无论在哪里，都象黑夜中的萤火虫一样耀眼。
65. Thinking that by going invisible, others won’t find me is useless. A woman as dazzling as me, no matter where she is, shines like a firefly in the dark night.
66.现在的人喝点酒也很装Bi。动不动就说。我现在喝酒就是白的一斤半啤的随便干。我想问下你的胃是下水道吗？
66. Nowadays, people drink a little alcohol and act arrogant. They often say, “I can drink a jin and a half of white wine and any amount of beer.” I wonder, is your stomach a sewer?
67.连起床这么难的事情你都做到了，接下来的一天还有什么能难倒你！
67. If you can accomplish something as difficult as getting out of bed, what else can’t you do in the rest of the day?
68.大金链子，小手表。一天三顿小烧烤。青春献给小酒桌。醉生梦死就是喝。社会小酒天天喝。早晚死在小饭桌。
68. Big gold chains, small watches. Three meals a day of barbecue. Youth is dedicated to the small drinking table. Drunk and dreaming is all about drinking. Socializing with alcohol every day. Eventually, you’ll die at the small dining table.
69.家里有钱，开一13开门的凯迪拉克。一听声音就知道是好机器，德国进口的，“突突突突”。一开起来，半个北京城冒黑烟。
69. If you have money at home, drive a 13-door Cadillac. Just by the sound, you know it’s a good machine, imported from Germany, “thud thud thud thud.” When you start it, half of Beijing emits black smoke.
70.你像风轻盈，你像水温柔，你像雾朦胧，你像月浪漫，你像日热情，你像海宽容，你像牛健康，你像龟长寿，你像兔可爱，总之一句话：你没一点像人！
70. You are as light as the wind, as gentle as water, as hazy as fog, as romantic as the moon, as passionate as the sun, as tolerant as the sea, as healthy as a cow, as long-lived as a turtle, as cute as a rabbit. In short, you don’t have a single human trait!
71.你知道男人这一生最痛苦的事情是什么吗？是没媳妇。那你知道男人更痛苦的事情是什么吗？有媳妇，跟别人跑了。
71. Do you know the most painful thing in a man’s life? It’s not having a wife. And do you know what’s even more painful for a man? Having a wife who runs away with someone else.
72.听君一席话，自挂东南枝。
72. After listening to your words, I’d rather hang myself from the southeast branch.
73.曾经相信能把日子过成段子，如今只盼别把日子变成案子。
73. I used to believe that I could turn life into a joke, but now I just hope not to turn it into a case.
74.任何一条消息在经过官方否认之前都不能相信。
74. You cannot believe any news until it is officially denied.
75.“如果你老婆和你情人同时掉进水里，请问你是再找一个丰满型的还是娇小型的?”“还找不会游泳的。”
75. “If your wife and your lover fall into the water at the same time, would you look for a voluptuous or petite one?” “I’d still look for one who can’t swim.”
76.本人口儿重，拟禁绝可乐，改喝急支糖浆。
76. I have a heavy taste, so I plan to quit cola and switch to drinking urgent support syrup.
77.你骂我，肯定是因为你不够了解我，因为那些了解我的人，都想打我。
77. If you scold me, it must be because you don’t know me well enough, because those who know me well want to hit me.
78.每天很早来学校，表面是爱学习，可有几人知道，我们是来抄作业的。
78. I come to school early every day, seemingly because I love studying, but how many people know that we are here to copy homework.
79.什么踢足球的男生帅打篮球的男生帅，都是放屁。只要你长得帅，你TM弹玻璃球都帅，长得丑的打高尔夫都像在铲屎。什么温柔的女生都有魅力，素颜不化妆的女生都清纯，都是放屁。只要你长得漂亮，你TM卖个豆腐都说是豆腐西施，长得丑的拉小提琴都像得了抽筋。
79. Whether a guy looks handsome playing soccer or basketball is nonsense. As long as you’re good-looking, you’ll look great even playing marbles. If you’re ugly, you’ll look like you’re shoveling poop while playing golf. The same goes for gentle and charming girls or those who are said to be pure without makeup. If you’re beautiful, you’ll be called a “tofu beauty” even when selling tofu. If you’re ugly, you’ll look like you’re suffering from a cramp even when playing the violin.
80.我TM是看透这个世界了！
80. I’m done with this world!
81.吃货都是善良的，因为每天只想着吃，没时间去算计别人。
81. Foodies are kind-hearted because they’re always thinking about food and have no time to scheme against others.
82.他跟我说分手，我刚想回话，他却说发错人了。
82. He told me he wanted to break up, but just as I was about to respond, he said he sent the message to the wrong person.
83.除了清明节，中国人能把所有的节日都当成情人节！
83. Except for the Qingming Festival, Chinese people can turn any holiday into a Valentine’s Day!
84.我有时在想，是不是因为我太胖了，所以钻不进你的心房。
84. Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I’m too fat that I can’t fit into your heart.
85.每次看你吃猪肉的时候我都感慨万分，本是同根生相煎何太急。
85. Every time I see you eat pork, I feel so emotional. We’re born from the same root, why the rush to harm each other?
86.又把老婆惹毛了，道歉了也没用，她气呼呼地在家里转圈：“哼！我要去买个贵的东西！”我一听，有转机！花钱消灾呗！马上说：“好啊!我陪你去买。”然后我们一起去了小商品市场买了个搓衣板回来……
86. I annoyed my wife again, and apologizing didn’t help. She stormed around the house, saying, “I’m going to buy something expensive!” I thought there was a chance for reconciliation! I quickly said, “Great! I’ll go with you to buy it.” So we went to a small goods market and bought a washboard…
87.我恨秦始皇，他烧书，竟然没有烧完。
87. I hate Emperor Qin Shi Huang. He burned books but didn’t finish the job.
88.去买水，老板说两块，我说瓶子上写着建议零售价一块五啊？老板说：“我不接受他的建议！”
88. When I went to buy water, the boss said it was two yuan, but I pointed out that the suggested retail price on the bottle was 1.5 yuan. The boss replied, “I don’t accept his suggestion!”
89.学校塌了，便是晴天。
89. If the school building collapses, it’s a sunny day.
90.神啊！如果没办法把我变瘦的话！就把我的朋友们变胖吧！
90. God! If you can’t make me thin, just make my friends fatter!
91.女孩为男孩做可乐鸡翅，男孩尝了一口说真好吃，女孩也吃了一口说，骗子，根本没熟。男孩温柔的说，傻瓜，你做什么我都觉得好吃。几天后，男孩和女孩禽流感死了。这个故事告诉我们，秀恩爱，死的快！
91. A girl made cola chicken wings for her boyfriend. After taking a bite, he said they were delicious. The girl also took a bite and said, “Liar, they’re not even cooked.” The boy gently replied, “Fool, I think everything you make is delicious.” A few days later, the boy and girl died of bird flu. This story tells us that showing off love leads to a quick death!
92.天将降大任于斯人也，必先关其手机，停其流量，盗其账号，拔其网线，方能告别学渣，修成学霸。
92. Heaven will bestow great responsibilities on a person, but first, they must lose their phone, have no data, have their account stolen, and have their internet cable pulled out. Only then can they say goodbye to being a poor student and become a top student.
93.夏天的时候，洗澡简直像是在帮蚊子洗菜。
93. In summer, taking a shower feels like helping mosquitoes wash vegetables.
94.这个夏天出门就是进烤箱，走路就是麻辣烫，坐下就是铁板烧，还是别下雨了，下雨就成水煮鱼。
94. Going out in summer is like entering an oven, walking is like eating hot pot, sitting is like having iron plate烧, and it’s better not to rain because then it becomes boiled fish.
95.忽然发现，霍去病和辛弃疾是情侣名。
95. I suddenly realized that Huo Qubing and Xin Qiji are couple names.
96.其实，我以前个子挺高的只不过后来经常洗澡缩水了而已。
96. Actually, I used to be tall, but I shrank from taking so many showers.
97.这年头，不早恋，不犯贱，不作弊，不叛逆，不抄作业，不玩手机，都没人相信你是学生。
97. Nowadays, if you haven’t had a puppy love, haven’t been shameless, haven’t cheated, haven’t rebelled, haven’t copied homework, or haven’t played with your phone, no one will believe you’re a student.
98.老师没收了我的游戏机，期末还给我时，我发现游戏全部通关了。
98. The teacher confiscated my game console and returned it to me at the end of the term. I found that all the games had been completed.
99.我觉得对陌生人应该友善一点，像路上碰到金融保险、英语培训、留学服务、情趣酒店、相亲中介、不孕不育的产品推销和调查问卷，我从来都是耐心和气地答完填上前男友的姓名住址电话。
99. I think we should be friendly to strangers, like when I encounter product promotions and survey questionnaires for financial insurance, English training, study abroad services, themed hotels, matchmaking agencies, and infertility treatments on the street, I always patiently and politely answer and fill in my ex-boyfriend’s name, address, and phone number.
100.肉啊肉，有本事别冲腿来、冲胸来！
100. Meat, meat, if you dare, don’t come at my legs or chest!
我的书签
添加书签
移除书签