1、我这人不太懂音乐，所以时而不靠谱，时而不着调。
1. I’m not very knowledgeable about music, so sometimes I’m off-key and sometimes I’m out of tune.

2、如果不是老师让我们别乱丢垃圾，我早就想把你扔出去了。
2. If it weren’t for the teacher telling us not to litter, I would have thrown you out long ago.

3、求求你月老，以后别在用劣质的线给我牵了嘛，隔三差五的就断。
3. Please, Matchmaker, don’t use cheap strings for me in the future. They break every now and then.

4、等将来我有了钱的时候，我就把我讨厌的人送去最好的精神病院。
4. When I have money in the future, I’ll send the people I hate to the best mental hospital.

5、我们是农村的葫芦娃，你是城市的奥特曼。
5. We are the rural Calabash Brothers, and you are the urban Ultraman.

6、孟婆婆，给我汤的时候，千万记着放糖，我来生在谢你
6. Old Lady Meng, when giving me the soup, remember to add sugar. I’ll thank you in my next life.

7、等谁跟我结婚了，我就马上把离婚办事处给炸了。
7. Once someone marries me, I’ll immediately blow up the divorce office.

8、我是说呢为何咱俩总是混不熟，原来你特别喜欢见外啊。
8. That’s why we always seem unfamiliar with each other; it turns out you like to be distant.

9、从小学到大学，唯一不变的就是一颗不想念书的心。
9. From elementary school to university, the only thing that hasn’t changed is my heart that doesn’t want to study.

10、你也该学学人家腾讯每次上线都喊我亲爱的。
10. You should learn from Tencent, who calls me dear every time I log in.

11、考试：开卷和闭卷的不同就在于，一个在上面抄，一个在下面抄。
11. The difference between open-book and closed-book exams is that one copies from the top, and the other copies from below.

12、信就是信，不信就是不信，你丫的还微信。
12. Belief is belief, disbelief is disbelief, and you, with your WeChat.

13、什么是坏人，白天脱裤子的男人，晚上不卸妆的女人。
13. What is a bad person? A man who takes off his pants during the day, and a woman who doesn’t remove her makeup at night.

14、不怕喝敌敌畏，就怕开盖有惊喜，畅享多一瓶该与谁分享。
14. I’m not afraid of drinking DDT, but I’m afraid of the surprise when I open the cap. Who should I share the extra bottle with?

15、作为一个禽兽，这世界上也只有禽兽不如才能打败我。
15. As an animal, only someone worse than an animal can defeat me in this world.

16、为什么我不幸的时候，上帝总是在打瞌睡。
16. Why is God always dozing off when I’m unfortunate?

17、有时，我做梦都想“吃饱了撑着”。
17. Sometimes, I even dream of being “stuffed after eating.”

18、拿份报纸上厕所，俺是读书人。
18. Taking a newspaper to the toilet, I’m a scholar.

19、下辈子我还找你，因为除了我，你是最傻的。
19. I’ll still find you in the next life because, apart from me, you’re the silliest.

20、争吵的时候，男人和女人的区别像是步枪和机关枪的区别。
20. The difference between men and women during arguments is like the difference between a rifle and a machine gun.

21、爷爷都是从孙子走过来的……
21. Grandfathers were once grandsons…

22、女人拥有无数个QQ号只为了调戏一个男人，男人常用一个QQ号上面加满各种各样的女人…
22. Women have countless QQ accounts just to tease a single man, while men often use one QQ account to add various women…

23、不怕虎一样的敌人，就怕猪一样的队友！
23. It’s not the enemy like a tiger that scares us, but the teammate like a pig!

24、银行收费时说：“这符合国际惯例。”服务时却说：“要考虑中国国情。”
24. Banks say, “This complies with international practices” when charging fees, but say, “We must consider China’s national conditions” when providing services.

25、没什么事不要找我，有事更不用找我。
25. Don’t contact me for no reason, and don’t contact me even if there is a reason.

26、天使之所以会飞，是因为她们把自己看得很轻…
26. Angels can fly because they see themselves as light…

27、拥抱真是个奇怪的东西，明明靠的那么近，却看不见彼此的脸。
27. Hugging is such a strange thing; you’re so close to each other, yet you can’t see each other’s faces.

28、房价越来越高，所以，好男人越来越少…
28. Housing prices are getting higher and higher, so good men are becoming fewer and fewer…

29、怎么给MM过一个难忘的生日？先把她爆揍一顿，然后把广州最贵楼盘的房证送上，保证既难忘又惊喜！
29. How to give a girl an unforgettable birthday? First, beat her up, then give her the property deed of the most expensive real estate in Guangzhou. It’s guaranteed to be unforgettable and surprising!

30、老婆看完几个我在大学交的女友照片后，一个劲地夸我不好色，…
30. After my wife saw some photos of my girlfriends from college, she kept praising me for not being a lecher…

31、我花万买了个西周陶罐，昨儿到《鉴宝》栏目进行鉴定，专家严肃地说：“这哪是西周的？这是上周的！”
31. I spent 10,000 yuan on a Western Zhou pottery jar. Yesterday, I went to the “Appraisal” column for identification, and the expert said seriously, “This is not from the Western Zhou period; it’s from last week!”

32、最受不了这样的商家–牌子上写道：拆迁，给钱就卖！一件羽绒服我甩给她块她就是不卖，太欺诈消费者了！
32. I can’t stand such merchants - the sign reads: Demolition, sell for money! I offered her 100 yuan for a down jacket, but she wouldn’t sell it. It’s so deceptive to consumers!

33、帅有个屁用！到头来还不是被卒吃掉！
33. Being handsome is useless! In the end, you’re still eaten by a pawn!

34、没有人知道刚刚发生了什么，我已经习惯用微笑掩盖一切。
34. No one knows what just happened, and I’m used to covering everything with a smile.

35、没有女人的日子里，我以调戏男人为乐…
35. In the absence of women, I take pleasure in teasing men…

36、女人就像书架上的书，虽然你买了她，但在你买之前她多多少少被几个男人翻过…
36. Women are like books on a bookshelf; although you bought her, she was more or less flipped through by a few men before you bought her…

37、现在看来，智商就能看懂的电影最受欢迎，而喜欢这些电影的%又都喜欢看韩剧！
37. Nowadays, movies that can be understood by just using IQ are the most popular, and the percentage of people who like these movies also like watching Korean dramas!

38、今天是，圆周率节，所以要吃派～
38. Today is Pi Day, so we should eat pie~

39、韩国学者认为：孙悟空其实是韩国神仙，因为他用的是棒子！
39. South Korean scholars believe that the Monkey King is actually a Korean deity because he uses a staff!

40、不吃饱哪有力气减肥啊？
40. How can you lose weight if you’re not full?

41、球进了，是守门员把球踢进的。
41. The ball went in, and it was the goalkeeper who kicked it in.

42、当面夸一女同学：你真是清水出芙蓉！！
42. Compliment a female classmate to her face: You are truly a lotus rising from clear water!!

43、怎么死的？还不是穷死的。
43. How did they die? It’s not because they were poor.

44、花坛里有一个一元钱的硬币，可是花坛边的牌子上写着“踏入花坛，罚款三元！”，真是为难。
44. There is a one-yuan coin in the flower bed, but the sign by the flower bed says, “Fine of three yuan for stepping on the flower bed!” What a dilemma.

45、如果照镜子要上税，恐怕有些女人会破产。
45. If there were a tax for looking in the mirror, some women might go bankrupt.

46、男人赚钱后想和老婆离婚，男人赚不到钱老婆想和他离婚。
46. Men want to divorce their wives after making money, while women want to divorce their husbands if they don’t make money.

47、男人有外遇体现在工作越来越忙，女人有外遇体现在做的菜越来越咸。
47. Men having an affair show it by working increasingly busier, while women having an affair show it by making their dishes increasingly salty.

48、女人对你说“讨厌”的时候表明她喜欢你，男人对你说“讨厌”的时候他是真的讨厌你。
48. When a woman says “disgusting” to you, it means she likes you; when a man says “disgusting” to you, he really dislikes you.

49、传统的男人结婚前很清纯，结婚后开始乱搞；现代的男人结婚前乱搞，结婚后变得老实。
49. Traditional men are pure before marriage and start messing around after marriage; modern men mess around before marriage and become honest after marriage.

50、男人和老婆的关系再差，他和岳母的关系也是好的；女人和老公的关系再好，她和婆婆的关系也是差的。
50. No matter how bad a man’s relationship with his wife is, his relationship with his mother-in-law is good; no matter how good a woman’s relationship with her husband is, her relationship with her mother-in-law is poor.

51、男人没赚到钱时女人着急，男人赚到钱时女人后悔。
51. When a man doesn’t make money, women worry; when a man makes money, women regret it.

52、我的领带又找不到了，是不是你昨天又没有找到抹布？
52. I can’t find my tie again; did you not find a rag yesterday either?

53、参加选美的那些女人，都找不到好男人，因为好男人都结婚了，比如我。
53. Those women who participate in beauty pageants can’t find good men because good men are already married, like me, for example.

54、一想到祖国没统一就忍不着想抽烟…
54. Just thinking about our motherland not being unified makes me want to smoke…

55、如果我做了皇帝，就封你当太子！
55. If I were an emperor, I would make you the crown prince!

56、玫瑰真便宜，都可以送老婆了。
56. Roses are so cheap now, they can even be given to wives.

57、只要锄头舞的好，那有墙角挖不倒？
57. As long as you dance the hoe well, there is no corner that cannot be dug down.

58、谁年轻的时候没遇到过两个人渣啊。
58. Who hasn’t met a couple of jerks when they were young?

59、劫匪在抢劫银行时说了一句至理名言：通通不许动！钱是国家的，命是自己的！
59. The robber said a profound truth during the bank robbery: Don’t move! The money belongs to the country, but your life is your own!

60、觉不觉得你走路像QQ登陆一样，蹦跶的。
60. Don’t you think you walk like QQ login, hopping around.

61、帅有个屁用，到头来还不是被卒吃掉。
61. Being handsome is useless, in the end, you’ll still be defeated by a pawn.

62、古有西门庆，今有陈冠希；小西见小希，亮出照相机。
62. There was Ximen Qing in ancient times, and now there’s Edison Chen; when Little West meets Little Hope, the camera comes out.

63、做人要做陈冠希，开房要带照相机。
63. To be a person like Edison Chen, always bring a camera when checking into a hotel.

64、上流社会的人，总喜欢做点下流的事。
64. People in high society always like to do some lowly things.

65、不求门当户对，只求感觉到位。
65. I don’t seek a perfect match, I just want the right feeling.

66、别担心我又不是什么好人。
66. Don’t worry, I’m not a good person.

67、来啊，拖出去吃个面包，不许喝水。
67. Come on, drag him out to eat some bread, but no water allowed.

68、你今天和我说：你胖了丑了。我说：有我在你怕什么。
68. You told me today that you’ve gained weight and become uglier. I said, don’t worry, with me around, what do you have to fear?

69、我宁愿你抱着别的女人想我，也不愿你抱着我想别的女人。
69. I’d rather you held another woman but thought of me, than held me but thought of another woman.

70、QQ上多了，什么企鹅没见过？
70. After being on QQ for so long, what kind of penguins haven’t I seen?

71、不怕美女把我当色狼，就怕丑女把我当流氓。
71. I’m not afraid of beautiful women treating me like a wolf, I’m afraid of ugly women treating me like a rogue.

72、人不狠，站不稳！人不损，不标准！人不坏，死的快。
72. If you’re not ruthless, you can’t stand firm! If you’re not critical, you’re not up to standard! If you’re not bad, you’ll die soon.

73、你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气是在受不了啊。
73. You might as well let me kneel on the washboard; I can’t stand kneeling in front of the electric heater.

74、天哪！我的衣服又瘦了。
74. Oh my God! My clothes have shrunk again.

75、叶子的离开是因为风的追求还是树的不挽留？
75. Does a leaf leave because of the wind’s pursuit or the tree’s failure to hold on?

76、废话是人际关系的第一句。
76. Nonsense is the first sentence of interpersonal relationships.

77、要么好好活着，要么赶紧去死吧。
77. Either live well, or hurry up and die.

78、男人读到博士是因为智商低，女人读到博士是因为情商低。
78. Men pursue a Ph.D. because of low IQ, women pursue a Ph.D. because of low EQ.

79、烧香的不一定是和尚，还可能是熊猫！
79. Not everyone who burns incense is a monk; it could also be a panda!

80、谁说我白，瘦，漂亮~我就跟他做好朋友
80. If anyone says I’m white, thin, and beautiful, I’ll be best friends with them.

81、人又不聪明，还学人家秃顶！！
81. If you’re not smart, don’t try to imitate baldness!

82、一脚揣不出你屎来，算你拉的干净！
82. If I can’t kick you out of your wits, consider yourself lucky for having a clean mind!

83、最丢脸是和几个同学讨论薪水，原以为他们说的是年薪，后来才发现他们说的都是月薪…
83. The most embarrassing thing is discussing salaries with classmates, thinking they’re talking about annual salaries, only to find out they’re talking about monthly salaries…

84、钱可以解决的问题都不是问题。
84. Money can solve problems are not problems at all.

85、念了十几年书，还是幼儿园比较好混！
85. After studying for more than ten years, I still think kindergarten is easier to get by!

86、连广告也信，读书读傻了吧！
86. If you believe in advertisements, you must have been studying too hard!

87、我总在牛A与牛C之间徘徊。
87. I always wander between A and C.

88、我本有心向明月，奈何明月照沟渠。
88. I had the heart to face the bright moon, but the moon shines on the ditch.

89、我是变态人里最正常的，是正常人里最变态的。
89. I am the most normal among perverts, and the most perverted among normal people.

90、想污染一个地方有两种方法：垃圾，或是钞票！
90. There are two ways to pollute a place: garbage or money!

91、长得丑的女孩子我一般不甩她，但你是个例外。
91. I usually don’t pay attention to ugly girls, but you are an exception.

92、再完美的身材，在不爱她的人的眼里，也是一种解调侃的作料。
92. No matter how perfect the figure is, in the eyes of those who don’t love her, it’s just a seasoning for teasing.

93、小树不修不成材小孩不打不成器。
93. A tree without pruning will not become useful timber, and a child without discipline will not grow up well.

93、积累久了，可能的导致爆发；而爆发久了，都可能导致崩溃。
93. Accumulation over time may lead to an outburst, and outbursts over time may lead to collapse.

94、作弊的方式有两种：一种是抄在纸上的小抄，可能被发现，结果是退学；另一种是抄在脑袋里的小抄，不可能被发现，结果是拿到的是奖学金。
94. There are two ways to cheat: one is to write on paper, which may be discovered and result in expulsion; the other is to memorize, which cannot be discovered, and the result is a scholarship.

95、小时候，我父母始终相信女大十八变，丑小鸭会变白天鹅！长大后的某天，爸爸很专注地看着我，然后语重心长地说：“孩子，你还是用功读书吧！”
95. When I was young, my parents always believed that a girl would change when she grew up, and an ugly duckling would become a white swan! One day after growing up, my father looked at me attentively and said earnestly, “My child, you should study hard!”

96、高中时，班主任常开导我说：“美女多如过江之鲫，你现在只需好好织网！”考上清华后我想拿猴皮筋弹他家玻璃！
96. In high school, the headteacher often advised me, “There are as many beautiful girls as there are crucian carp crossing the river. You just need to weave a good net now!” After being admitted to Tsinghua University, I wanted to use a rubber band to break his windows!

97、毕业后有钱没事做，于是去美国麻省挖石油。后来还真挖到了，而且油质特别好，都不用提纯！两年后美孚石油公司起诉我们，说我们挖了他的石油管道。
97. After graduation, I went to Massachusetts, USA to dig for oil when I had money and nothing to do. Later, I really found oil, and the quality was so good that it didn’t need refining! Two years later, Mobil Oil Company sued us, saying that we had dug up their oil pipeline.

98、毕业后揽一大活儿，完事后能挣三十万，拿图纸一看，盖一米的烟囱。都盖好了，人家来一看把我狠揍一通！靠，图纸看倒了，人家是让挖一口井。
98. After graduation, I took on a big project that could earn me 300,000. When I looked at the blueprint, it was for building a one-meter chimney. After it was built, they came to check and beat me up! Damn it, I had read the blueprint upside down; they wanted me to dig a well.

99、大学四年没有一个女生问过我路，今天第一次开宝马回母校办点事，结果一会功夫就有五个女生来问路！
99. In four years of college, no girl ever asked me for directions. Today, when I drove a BMW back to my alma mater for some business, five girls came to ask for directions in no time!

100、女人会为感情放弃事业，而男人会为了事业放弃感情；女人会被为了感情放弃事业的男人感动，但会留在为了事业放弃感情的男人身边！
1. 100, Women will give up their careers for love, while men will give up love for their careers; 2. Women will be moved by men who give up their careers for love, but will stay with men who give up love for their careers!