1.“我好喜欢你头像”“干嘛还带后面俩字”。
1. “I really like your avatar” “Why do you still have those two words at the end?”
2.要命的夏天来了，谁要是能给我们班教室装台空调，我们就把班主任嫁给他。
2. The deadly summer is coming. If anyone could install an air conditioner in our classroom, we would marry our head teacher to him.
3.千万别跟我求婚，一求婚我就会答应。
3. Never propose to me, because I will agree as soon as you propose.
4.人生三愿：一是吃得下饭，二是睡得着觉，三是笑得出来。
4. Three wishes in life: to be able to eat, to be able to sleep, and to be able to laugh.
5.我身在江湖，江湖却没有关于我的传说。
5. I am in the world of martial arts, but there are no legends about me in it.
6.男女调情的时候，诞生了最具特色的汉字：凹凸。
6. When men and women flirt, the most characteristic Chinese character is created: “concave-convex”.
7.早知道他不是好东西，就是忘了说了。
7. I knew he was no good, I just forgot to say it.
8.让暴风雨来得更猛烈些吧，反正我是卖伞的！
8. Let the storm come even stronger, I am selling umbrellas anyway!
9.你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
9. You might as well let me kneel on the washboard, I can’t stand kneeling on the electric heater!
10.“捷克斯洛伐克”！我叫JACK，我老婆总这样抱怨我。
10. “Check-mate, Slovakia!” My name is Jack, and that’s what my wife always complains about.
11.高中时每人发个胸牌。一次来检查前，班主任跑到教室大声喊，大家快把胸罩戴起来，来检查的啦…全场鸦雀无声…
11. In high school, everyone was given a badge. Once, before an inspection, the head teacher ran into the classroom and shouted loudly, “Everyone, put on your bras, the inspectors are coming…” The whole room fell silent.
12.不在放荡中变坏，就在沉默中变态。
12. If not corrupted in indulgence, then in silence, one becomes weird.
13.有时解释是不必要的，敌人不信你的解释，朋友无须你的解释。
13. Sometimes explanations are unnecessary, as enemies won’t believe your explanations, and friends don’t need them.
14.一张文凭、二国语言(精通英文)、三房一厅、四季名牌、五官端正、六六(落落)大方、七千月薪、八面玲珑、九(酒)烟不沾、十分老实。
14. A diploma, two languages (proficient in English), three rooms and a living room, four seasons of famous brands, five senses properly arranged, six or seven (elegant) and generous, a monthly salary of 7,000, and being skillful in all situations, not touching alcohol or cigarettes, and being very honest.
15.我们产生一点小分歧：她希望我把粪土变黄金，我希望她视黄金如粪土！
15. We have a small disagreement: she wants me to turn dirt into gold, while I want her to treat gold like dirt.
16.师太，你就从了老衲吧！…很久很久以后…师太，你就饶了老衲吧！
16. Master, please follow me! … A long time later… Master, please spare me!
17.男人膝下有黄金，我把整个腿都切下来了，连块铜也没找着！
17. There is gold under a man’s knees, but I have cut off my whole leg and still haven’t found even a piece of copper!
18.人不能低下高贵的头，但捡钱时例外。
18. One cannot lower their noble head, except when picking up money.
19.小时候我以为自己长大后可以拯救整个世界，等长大后才发现整个世界都拯救不了我。
19. When I was young, I thought I could save the whole world when I grew up. But when I grew up, I found out that the whole world couldn’t save me.
20.如果朋友可以出卖，每个值五块的话，我也能发笔小财了。
20. If friends could be sold, and each was worth five dollars, I could make a small fortune.
21.世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
21. In this world, I only trust two people: one is myself, and the other is not you.
22.电话费透支万的判无期，撞死人的判年，自动取款机恶意取款万判无期，贪污几千万判年。
22. For phone bill arrears of ten thousand, the sentence is life imprisonment; for killing someone, the sentence is several years; for malicious withdrawals from an ATM, ten thousand is life imprisonment; for embezzlement of tens of millions, the sentence is several years.
23.君子报仇，十年不晚，小人报仇，从早到晚。
23. A gentleman seeks revenge after ten years; a petty person seeks revenge from morning to night.
24.天上终不会掉陷饼，它只会掉陷阱。
24. Heaven will never drop a free lunch; it only drops traps.
25.白色加白色就是黑色，因为双重否定就是肯定。
25. White plus white equals black, because a double negative is a positive.
26.我对你的感情就像雷锋对于穷人的怜悯。
26. My feelings for you are like Lei Feng’s compassion for the poor.
27.寂寞就是有人说话时，没人在听，有人在听时，你却没话说了！
27. Loneliness is when someone is talking, but no one is listening; when someone is listening, you have nothing to say!
28.比遇见一个泼妇更让人头痛的是……同时遇见两个泼妇。
28. Meeting one shrew is more headache-inducing than meeting two at the same time.
29.我想把我的一生浓缩成一句笑话。
29. I want to condense my life into a single joke.
30.如果跟导师讲不清楚，那么就把他搞胡涂吧！
30. If you can’t explain it to your mentor, just confuse him!
31.你不是黄蓉，你只是蝗虫，你为嘛要靖哥哥？你真不要脸。
31. You’re not Huang Rong; you’re just a locust. Why do you want Jing Ge? You have no shame.
32.这么不要脸，这么没心没肺，你的体重应该会很轻吧？
32. So shameless and heartless, you must be very light in weight, right?
33.路上见一车，车后贴着六个字：着急你飞过去。
33. I saw a car on the road with six characters on the back: If you’re in a hurry, fly past.
34.我说过做人要低调。可你非要给我掌声和尖叫。
34. I said I should be low-key, but you insist on giving me applause and screams.
35.女人是招商银行，男人则是建设银行。
35. Women are like the Merchants Bank; men are like the Construction Bank.
36.低调闷骚的高调，高调被打的征兆。
36. A low-key person’s high-profile is a sign of being beaten up.
37.你要是鲜花，以后牛都不敢拉屎了。
37. If you were a flower, cows would be afraid to poop in the future.
38.女人装比那叫资本，男人装比那叫变态。
38. Women showing off is called capital; men showing off is called perversion.
39.不怕喝敌敌畏，就怕开盖有惊喜，畅享多一瓶。
39. I’m not afraid of drinking DDT, but I’m afraid of a surprise when I open the cap: enjoy an extra bottle.
40.我一定要出现你家户口本上，做不了你老公，也做你小爹。
40. I must appear on your household registration book, either as your husband or as your father-in-law.
41.又帅又车，那是象棋，有钱有房，那是银行。
41. Handsome and with a chariot, that’s chess; rich and with a house, that’s a bank.
42.未来要和我结婚的那位：也不知道你现在给谁谈恋爱呢。别给人家浪费感情了、找个时间咱俩认识一下呗。
42. To the one who will marry me in the future: I don’t know who you’re dating now. Don’t waste your feelings on them; find some time for us to get to know each other.
43.今天听到一个八岁的小姑娘唱，两只老虎，两只老虎，谈恋爱，谈恋爱。两只都是公的，两只都是公的，真变态，真变态。
43. Today, I heard an eight-year-old girl singing, “Two tigers, two tigers, in love, in love.” Both of them are male, both of them are male, how perverted, how perverted.
44.就算再挫也要谈恋爱，谈到世界充满爱！
44. Even if you’re not good enough, you should still be in love, until the world is full of love!
45.我谈过最长的恋爱，就是自恋，我爱自己，没有情敌。
45. The longest relationship I’ve ever had is with myself; I love myself, and there’s no rival in love.
46.不用怀疑，我就是你梦中的穷人。
46. Don’t doubt it, I’m the poor man in your dreams.
47.当完全吃撑的时候，普通青年会一脸空虚地埋怨“撑死我了”，吃货则一脸轻松“我歇会儿”~
47. When you’re completely full, a regular young person will complain emptily, “I’m so full,” while a foodie will say轻松地, “I’ll take a break.”
48.第一笔就起错了的画，只好一路地潦草下去。
48. A painting that starts wrong from the first stroke has to be carried on carelessly.
49.你看，总有那么多的事情让你伤感：阴晴圆缺，悲欢离合，阳痿早泄…
49. You see, there are always so many things that make you feel sad: the moon’s phases, joys and sorrows, separations and reunions, impotence and premature ejaculation…
50.不要对自己过于自信，能收拾你的人比你能想到的多的多。
50. Don’t be too confident in yourself; there are many more people who can deal with you than you can imagine.
51.对于女生，又长了几斤肉并不那么可怕，可怕的是闺密那个贱人竟然又瘦了。
51. For girls, gaining a few more pounds is not so terrible; what’s really terrible is that your best friend, that bitch, has lost weight again.
52.有时候觉得自己变丑了，拿出身份证一看，发现多虑了。
52. Sometimes you feel you’ve become uglier, but when you take out your ID card and look at it, you find you were worrying too much.
53.人生就像愤怒的小鸟，当你失败时，总有几只猪在笑。
53. Life is like Angry Birds; when you fail, there are always a few pigs laughing at you.
54.别说世界抛弃了你，世界根本没空搭理你。
54. Don’t say the world has abandoned you; the world just doesn’t have time to pay attention to you.
55.原谅他是上帝的事，我的任务就是送他去见上帝。
55. Forgiving him is God’s job; my task is to send him to meet God.
56.空欢喜就是早上醒来，以为自己长高了，仔细一看，原来是被子盖横了……
56. Empty joy is when you wake up in the morning, thinking you’ve grown taller, only to find out later that it was because your quilt was covering you diagonally…
57.你爸我是草原散养的，饿了吃过蚂蚱，不是所有的鸡都叫时光鸡。
57. Your dad was raised on the grasslands, eating locusts when hungry; not all chickens are called Time Chicken.
58.你说你愿意和我白头到老，不行，我想黑发飘飘。
58. You say you’re willing to grow old with me, but I want to keep my black hair flowing.
59.不是我心理阴暗啊，我就觉得这个空气污染是那帮口罩生产厂家制造出来的。
59. It’s not that I’m mentally dark; I just think this air pollution is created by those mask manufacturers.
60.上联：学生证准考证身份证证证没带，下联：听力题阅读题作文题题题不做。横批：重在参与。
60. Upper couplet: Student ID, exam ID, ID card, no ID; lower couplet: Listening questions, reading questions, essay questions, no questions. Horizontal scroll: Participation is the key.
61.一天没带眼镜逛街，看到一个既帅气又熟悉的人。想过去看看到底是谁。原来是一面镜子。
61. One day, I went shopping without my glasses and saw someone who was both handsome and familiar. I went closer to see who it was, only to find out it was a mirror.
62.嘻嘻和哈哈是一对好朋友，非常要好的朋友。有一天，哈哈死了。嘻嘻很难过，他走到哈哈的坟前说：哈哈，你死了。
62. Hehe and Haha were a pair of good friends, very close friends. One day, Haha died. Hehe was very sad and went to Haha’s grave and said, “Haha, you’re dead.”
63.所谓猪一样的室友，应该就是我感冒了，让他回来给我带一盒白加黑，他给我带了一包奥利奥。
63. A roommate as piggish as I am: I caught a cold and asked him to bring me a box of Baijiahei (a Chinese cold medicine) when he came back, but he brought me a pack of Oreos instead.
64.假如我是神笔马良的话，我会画一个井，把你放进去，再画个盖子。
64. If I were the magical Ma Liang with the divine brush, I would draw a well, put you in it, and then draw a lid on top.
65.那天老师问我为什么上课睡觉，我回了句医生说吃完药就得睡觉。
65. That day, the teacher asked me why I was sleeping in class, and I replied, “The doctor said I had to sleep after taking the medicine.”
66.可以触摸的痛苦是什么？就是我觉得肚子都饿扁了，一摸还是有一坨肉。
66. What is touchable pain? It’s when I feel like my stomach is completely empty, but when I touch it, there’s still a lump of fat.
67.明天愚人节，老师说要上课，我越想越不得劲，“不行！不能去上课！”
67. Tomorrow is April Fool’s Day, and the teacher said we have to attend class. The more I think about it, the more uneasy I feel. “No way! I can’t go to class!”
68.长大了要嫁给唐僧，能玩就玩，不能玩就把他吃掉。
68. When I grow up, I want to marry Tang Seng (a character from Journey to the West), so I can play with him if he’s fun, and eat him if he’s not.
69.暑假前信誓旦旦的说我要减肥，暑假后没瘦还胖了！
69. Before the summer vacation, I vowed to lose weight, but after the vacation, I didn’t lose weight, I actually gained more!
70.小时候我很纠结是上清华还是北大、现在看来我多想了。
70. When I was a child, I was torn between going to Tsinghua or Peking University, but now it seems I thought too much.
71.听说看武打片能减肥，因为里面经常说，你快受（瘦）死吧！
71. I heard that watching martial arts films can help lose weight because they often say, “You’re going to die (get thin) from suffering!”
72.我不骂人，因为我动手能力比较强。
72. I don’t curse at people because I have strong动手能力 (ability to take action or physical skills).
73.一美女说：第一次牵我手的人是给我看手相的那个先生。
73. A beautiful woman said, “The first person who held my hand was the fortune teller who read my palm.”
74.不是你不滚，是我不够狠。
74. It’s not that you don’t leave, it’s just that I’m not ruthless enough.
75.老师本想对同学们说把掌声送给自己，可不小心说成把巴掌送给自己。说完，一同学”啪”“啪”就给了自己两耳光。
75. The teacher wanted to tell the students to give applause to themselves, but accidentally said, “Give yourselves a slap.” After saying that, one student “pa” “pa” gave themselves two slaps in the face.
76.考题再复杂，终究没有我这心情复杂。
76. No matter how complicated the exam questions are, they are still not as complicated as my emotions.
77.谁说水火无情，当你快要被口水淹死的时候，你却火了。
77. Who says water and fire are merciless? When you’re about to be drowned by saliva, you’re on fire.
78.哥吸烟、是因为它伤肺，不伤心。
78. I smoke because it hurts my lungs, not my heart.
79.花有百样红，人与狗不同。
79. There are a hundred different shades of red in flowers, but people and dogs are different.
80.男人被甩，金钱问题，女人被甩，面貌问题，我被甩，你他妈脑袋有问题。
80. When a man is dumped, it’s a money issue; when a woman is dumped, it’s a looks issue; when I’m dumped, you have a fucking problem in your head.
81.人生自古谁无死，哪个拉屎不用纸。
81. Who has never died since ancient times? Who doesn’t use toilet paper when defecating?
82.人生就像大便，一旦冲走了，就不会再回来。
82. Life is like defecation; once it’s flushed away, it won’t come back.
83.我们可以躲开大家，却躲不开一只苍蝇。生活中使我们不快乐的常是一些芝麻小事。
83. We can avoid everyone, but we can’t avoid a fly. It’s often the trivial things in life that make us unhappy.
84.有一种人只做两件事：你成功了，他妒嫉你，你失败了，他笑话你。
84. There is a kind of person who only does two things: when you succeed, he envies you; when you fail, he laughs at you.
85.不怕神一样的哥们，就怕狗一样的朋友。
85. I’m not afraid of a god-like buddy, but I am afraid of a dog-like friend.
86.上帝给了我们七情六欲，我们却把它们变成了色情和暴力。
86. God gave us seven emotions and six desires, but we turned them into pornography and violence.
87.英雄不问出路，流氓不看岁数！
87. A hero doesn’t care about his origin, and a hooligan doesn’t care about his age!
88.从猴子变成人需要成千上万年，从人变回猴子只用一瓶酒。
88. It takes thousands of years for a monkey to evolve into a human, but it only takes a bottle of alcohol for a human to devolve into a monkey.
89.你鱼肉百姓，百姓就人肉你。
89. If you exploit the people, they will exploit you in return.
90.男人靠征服世界来征服女人！女人靠征服男人来征服世界！
90. Men conquer the world to conquer women! Women conquer men to conquer the world!
91.这个世界不公平就在于：上帝说：“我要光！”于是有了白天。美女说：“我要钻戒！”于是她有了钻戒。富豪说：“我要女人！”于是他有了女人。我说：“我要洗澡！”居然停水了。
91. The unfairness of this world lies in the fact that: God says, “I want light!” and there is daylight. A beauty says, “I want a diamond ring!” and she gets it. A rich man says, “I want a woman!” and he gets her. I say, “I want to take a bath!” and there’s a water outage.
92.自从我变成了狗屎，就再也没人踩到我头上。
92. Ever since I became dog feces, no one has stepped on my head.
93.老板，来一碗泪流满面。
93. Boss, bring me a bowl of tears.
94.有钱的人怕别人知道他有钱，没钱的人怕别人知道他没钱。
94. Rich people fear others knowing they have money, while poor people fear others knowing they have no money.
95.广告就是告诉别人，他的钱还可以这么花。
95. Advertising is about telling others how they can spend their money.
96.我问她：”你以前交过男朋友吗？”她说：”高中的时候有交过。”我明知故问：”是河南的么？”她大惊：”当然是和男的啦!”
96. I asked her, “Have you ever had a boyfriend before?” She said, “I had one in high school.” I deliberately asked, “From Henan?” She was surprised, “Of course, with a guy!”
97.男：山外青山楼外楼，恋爱婚姻都自由。女：万水千山只等闲，还不赶快去赚钱。
97. Man: Beyond the green mountains, there are more mountains and buildings; love and marriage are free. Woman: A thousand rivers and a thousand mountains are just a casual wait; hurry up and make money.
98.好友谈恋爱两个月，网名改成”蓝色”。最近我才知道，蓝色直译为中文叫”不撸”。
98. A good friend has been dating for two months, and changed her nickname to “Blue.” Recently, I found out that “Blue” directly translates to “No Wank” in Chinese.
99.你们现在谈恋爱已经晚了，大学就应该全身心读书。这个问题。应该初中高中就解决了。
99. It’s too late for you to fall in love now; you should have focused on studying in college. This issue should have been resolved in junior and senior high school.
100.你复杂的五官掩饰不了你朴素的智商！
100. Your complicated facial features cannot conceal your simple intelligence!
逗女孩子开心一笑的幽默句子
1. 你知道你和星星有什么区别吗？星星在天上，而你在我心里。 Do you know the difference between you and stars? Stars are in the sky, but you are in my heart. 2. 如果你是蔬菜，你会是什么？你是我的最爱，甜菜。 If you were a vegetable, what would you be? You are my favorite, sweet beet. 3. 我可以称呼你为魔法师吗？因为你让我的世界变得神奇。 May I call you a magician? Because you make my world magical. 4. 你一定是一道美食，因为你让我心动不已。 You must be a delicious dish because you make my heart race. 5. 我觉得我们的关系就像Wi-Fi，因为我们之间没有信号不好的时候。 I think our relationship is like Wi-Fi because there’s never a bad connection between us. 6. 如果你是一种水果，你会是什么？你是我的小甜瓜。 If you were a fruit, what would you be? You are my little sweet melon. 7. 你的名字一定叫谷歌，因为你拥有我寻找的一切。 Your name must be Google because you have everything I’m looking for. 8. 我觉得你是我的充电器，因为你让我充满活力。 I think you are my charger because you give me energy. 9. 你是我的咖啡，因为你让我清醒一整天。 You are my coffee because you keep me awake all day long. 10. 如果你是一首歌，你一定会是最动听的旋律。 If you were a song, you would definitely be the most beautiful melody.
1.你像风轻盈，你像水温柔，你像雾朦胧，你像月浪漫，你像日热情，你像海宽容，你像牛健康，你像龟长寿，你像兔可爱，总之一句话：你没一点像人！
1. You are as light as the wind, as gentle as water, as misty as fog, as romantic as the moon, as passionate as the sun, as tolerant as the sea, as healthy as a cow, as long-lived as a turtle, and as cute as a rabbit. In short, you don’t have a single human trait!
2.你知道男人这一生最痛苦的事情是什么吗？是没媳妇。那你知道男人更痛苦的事情是什么吗？有媳妇，跟别人跑了。
2. Do you know the most painful thing in a man’s life? It’s not having a wife. And do you know what’s even more painful? Having a wife who runs off with someone else.
3.“如果你老婆和你情人同时掉进水里，请问你是再找一个丰满型的还是娇小型的?”“还找不会游泳的。”
3. “If your wife and your lover both fall into the water at the same time, would you look for a voluptuous or a petite one?” “I’d still look for one who can’t swim.”
4.本人口儿重，拟禁绝可乐，改喝急支糖浆。
4. I have a strong preference for taste, so I plan to quit cola and switch to cough syrup.
5.当我为我容貌深深自卑的时候，我想，没事，等我有钱了，和谁都有缘。等我有钱了之后，我就去整容了，医生看了看我说，钱不是所有问题都能解决的。
5. When I felt deeply insecure about my appearance, I thought, “It’s okay, once I have money, I’ll have a connection with everyone.” After I became wealthy, I went to get plastic surgery. The doctor looked at me and said, “Money can’t solve all problems.”
6.如果你对目前的工作不太满意，觉得事业发展到了一个瓶颈，那么就去进修一个更高的学历吧，这样的话，毕业以后你就会明白，之前的失败跟学历似乎没什么关系。
6. If you are not satisfied with your current job and feel that your career has hit a bottleneck, then go and pursue a higher degree. That way, after graduation, you will realize that your previous failures seem to have nothing to do with your education.
7.富翁接受采访说，你很难想象我年轻时候吃过多少苦，当过黄牛，搞过搬运，做过走私……记者：我们都看到这些历练让你走向成功了。富翁说，不是，后来我终于娶了一个有钱的老婆。
7. A millionaire was interviewed and said, “You can hardly imagine how much hardship I went through when I was young: I was a scalper, a mover, and even involved in smuggling…” The reporter said, “We can see that these experiences have led you to success.” The millionaire replied, “No, it was when I finally married a wealthy woman.”
8.只要你每天坚持自习，认真刻苦，态度端正，忍受孤独，最终的胜利肯定是属于那些考场上发挥好的人。
8. As long as you study hard every day, work diligently, maintain a proper attitude, and endure loneliness, the ultimate victory will surely belong to those who perform well on the exam.
9.青年靠什么混日子？头等青年靠出身，二等青年靠关系，三等青年靠天资，四等青年靠努力，五等青年耍文艺，六等青年打游戏，穷游，看美剧。
9. What do young people rely on to get by? First-class youths rely on their family background, second-class youths rely on connections, third-class youths rely on natural talent, fourth-class youths work hard, fifth-class youths engage in artistic pursuits, sixth-class youths play games, go on budget trips, and watch American TV series.
10.只有能力强会被当成纯技术人员；而光会社交拍马又会被认为没有真才实学；所以，要想在单位中脱颖而出，最重要的是有关系。
10. Only those with strong abilities will be considered as pure technical personnel; while those who are only good at socializing and flattering will be seen as lacking real knowledge. Therefore, to stand out in a workplace, the most important thing is to have connections.
11.问：你遇到过哪些代沟？答：小学语文题关联词填空：60后：他宁可牺牲生命，也不出卖组织。70后：他害怕牺牲生命，所以出卖组织。80后：他与其牺牲生命，不如出卖组织。90后：他即使牺牲生命，也要出卖组织。00后：他白白牺牲生命，忘了出卖组织。
11. Question: What generation gaps have you encountered? Answer: In a elementary school language exercise, filling in the blanks with conjunctions: Post-60s: He would rather sacrifice his life than betray the organization. Post-70s: He was afraid to sacrifice his life, so he betrayed the organization. Post-80s: He would rather betray the organization than sacrifice his life. Post-90s: Even if he sacrificed his life, he would still betray the organization. Post-00s: He sacrificed his life in vain, forgetting to betray the organization.
12.你长的很爱国很敬业很有骨气，你不会在背后说别人坏话，不会陷害别人，你是全世界最不龌龊的人，你品德高尚，你从不会倒打别人一耙，你诚实善良美丽多姿。原谅我刚才说了违心的话啊。
12. You look very patriotic, dedicated, and principled. You never speak ill of others behind their backs, nor do you frame anyone. You are the least despicable person in the world. You have noble character, and you would never turn against others. You are honest, kind, beautiful, and charming. Please forgive me for the insincere words I just spoke.
13.幸福就是，你吃素我吃肉，让你知道要奋斗；你骑车我坐车，要你身体健康多；你睡地我睡床，地利人和帮你忙；你花钱请我客，赚钱引擎需预热；你喝水我喝汤，平淡也有好时光；你劳碌我清闲，光荣传统你承传。
13. Happiness is when you eat vegetarian food while I eat meat, reminding you to strive for a better life; you ride a bike while I ride in a car, wishing for your good health; you sleep on the ground while I sleep in a bed, helping you with the best of circumstances; you spend money to treat me, as the engine of wealth needs to be warmed up; you drink water while I drink soup, enjoying the simple times; you work hard while I relax, carrying on the glorious tradition.
14.完了，想你想得快完了，半夜眼睛都蓝了，买东西都忘给钱了，猪肉炖粉条都不馋了，1+1=3都不难了，赵本山都看成孙楠了，哭得人民币都变成美元了。
14. I’m almost finished thinking about you. My eyes turn blue in the middle of the night, I forget to pay when shopping, I’m not even tempted by pork stewed with vermicelli, 1+1=3 is not difficult anymore, I mistake Zhao Benshan for Sun Nan, and I cry so much that the renminbi turns into US dollars.
15.漫漫人生路，谁不错几步，家里要保住，情人还得处；家里有个做饭的，单位留个好看的，外面养个可爱的，远方有个想念的；保住二，守住一，发展三四五六七！
15. In the long journey of life, everyone makes mistakes; we need to maintain our family, and still have lovers. There should be someone at home who cooks, someone at work who looks good, someone cute outside, and someone far away to miss. Keep the second, hold on to the first, and develop the third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh!
16.工资全部上交，包括计划外的；剩饭全部承包，包括馊了的；家务活全干，包括岳母家的；思想天天汇报，包括一闪念的。
16. Hand over all the salary, including the unplanned ones; take responsibility for all the leftovers, even the spoiled ones; do all the housework, including my mother-in-law’s; report your thoughts every day, even the fleeting ones.
17.今天表白遭拒绝，女孩拒绝的理由：“咱俩不是一个世界的人，咱俩不合适。”我想说：“难道我TM是火星来的？跟地球人不合适？”
17. Today, I was rejected when I confessed my love. The girl’s reason for rejection was: “We are not from the same world, we are not suitable.” I wanted to say: “Am I from Mars? Am I not suitable for Earthlings?”
18.我最大的本事就是把便宜的东西用出昂贵的效果来。比如相机，话筒，自己。
18. My greatest skill is to use cheap things and create the effect of expensive ones. For example, cameras, microphones, and myself.
19.能用钱解决的问题都不是问题，可问题是我是穷人。
19. Problems that can be solved with money are not problems, but the problem is that I am poor.
20.鸡的反抗是让自己的肉变得不好吃。
20. The chicken’s resistance is to make its meat taste bad.
21.以为隐身别人就找不到我，没有用的，象我这么拉风的女人，无论在哪里，都象黑夜中的萤火虫一样耀眼。
21. Thinking that by going invisible, others won’t find me is useless. A woman as dazzling as me, no matter where she is, shines like a firefly in the dark night.
22.现在的人喝点酒也很装Bi。动不动就说。我现在喝酒就是白的一斤半啤的随便干。我想问下你的胃是下水道吗？
22. Nowadays, people who drink a little alcohol act arrogantly. They often say, “I can drink a jin and a half of white wine and beer casually.” I want to ask, is your stomach a sewer?
23.连起床这么难的事情你都做到了，接下来的一天还有什么能难倒你！
23. If you can accomplish such a difficult task as getting up, what else can be difficult in the rest of the day!
24.大金链子，小手表。一天三顿小烧烤。青春献给小酒桌。醉生梦死就是喝。社会小酒天天喝。早晚死在小饭桌。
24. Big gold chains, small watches. Three meals a day of barbecue. Youth is dedicated to the small drinking table. Drunk and dreaming of life and death, it’s all about drinking. Socializing with alcohol every day, sooner or later, you’ll die at the small dining table.
25.家里有钱，开一13开门的凯迪拉克。一听声音就知道是好机器，德国进口的，“突突突突”。一开起来，半个北京城冒黑烟。
25. If your family has money, you can drive a 13-door Cadillac. Just by listening to the sound, you know it’s a good machine, imported from Germany, “thud thud thud thud.” When it starts, half of Beijing City emits black smoke.
26.吃货都是善良的，因为每天只想着吃，没时间去算计别人。
26. Foodies are kind-hearted because they only think about eating every day and have no time to scheme against others.
27.他跟我说分手，我刚想回话，他却说发错人了。
27. He told me he wanted to break up, but as soon as I wanted to reply, he said he had sent the message to the wrong person.
28.除了清明节，中国人能把所有的节日都当成情人节！
28. Except for the Qingming Festival, Chinese people can treat all holidays as Valentine’s Day!
29.我有时在想，是不是因为我太胖了，所以钻不进你的心房。
29. Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I’m too fat that I can’t get into your heart.
30.每次看你吃猪肉的时候我都感慨万分，本是同根生相煎何太急。
30. Every time I see you eating pork, I feel deeply moved. We come from the same root, why rush to harm each other?
31.又把老婆惹毛了，道歉了也没用，她气呼呼地在家里转圈：“哼！我要去买个贵的东西！”我一听，有转机！花钱消灾呗！马上说：“好啊!我陪你去买。”然后我们一起去了小商品市场买了个搓衣板回来……
31. I angered my wife again, and apologizing was useless. She angrily paced around the house: “Humph! I’m going to buy something expensive!” I heard this and thought there was a turning point! Spend money to eliminate the disaster! I immediately said, “Great! I’ll go with you to buy it.” Then we went to the small commodity market and bought a washboard…
32.我恨秦始皇，他烧书，竟然没有烧完。
32. I hate Qin Shi Huang. He burned books but didn’t finish the job.
33.去买水，老板说两块，我说瓶子上写着建议零售价一块五啊？老板说：“我不接受他的建议！”
33. When buying water, the boss said it would cost two yuan. I said the suggested retail price on the bottle is 1.5 yuan, right? The boss replied, “I don’t accept his suggestion!”
34.学校塌了，便是晴天。
34. If the school collapses, it’s a sunny day.
35.神啊！如果没办法把我变瘦的话！就把我的朋友们变胖吧！
35. God! If you can’t make me thin, just make my friends fatter!
36.女孩为男孩做可乐鸡翅，男孩尝了一口说真好吃，女孩也吃了一口说，骗子，根本没熟。男孩温柔的说，傻瓜，你做什么我都觉得好吃。几天后，男孩和女孩禽流感死了。这个故事告诉我们，秀恩爱，死的快！
36. The girl made cola chicken wings for the boy. After taking a bite, the boy said they were delicious. The girl also took a bite and said, “Liar, it’s not cooked at all.” The boy gently replied, “Fool, I think everything you make is delicious.” A few days later, the boy and girl died of bird flu. This story tells us that showing off love leads to a quick death!
37.天将降大任于斯人也，必先关其手机，停其流量，盗其账号，拔其网线，方能告别学渣，修成学霸。
37. When heaven is about to confer a great responsibility on a person, it must first close their phone, cut off their data, steal their account, and unplug their internet cable, so as to bid farewell to being a poor student and become a top student.
38.夏天的时候，洗澡简直像是在帮蚊子洗菜。
38. In summer, taking a shower feels like helping mosquitoes wash vegetables.
39.这个夏天出门就是进烤箱，走路就是麻辣烫，坐下就是铁板烧，还是别下雨了，下雨就成水煮鱼。
39. Going out in summer is like entering an oven, walking is like eating spicy hot pot, sitting down is like iron板烧, and it’s better not to rain because then it becomes boiled fish.
40.忽然发现，霍去病和辛弃疾是情侣名。
40. Suddenly, I realized that Huo Qubing and Xin Qiji are couple names.
41.其实，我以前个子挺高的只不过后来经常洗澡缩水了而已。
41. In fact, I used to be tall, but I shrank from taking too many showers.
42.这年头，不早恋，不犯贱，不作弊，不叛逆，不抄作业，不玩手机，都没人相信你是学生。
42. Nowadays, if you don’t fall in love early, act cheaply, cheat, rebel, copy homework, or play with your phone, no one would believe you are a student.
43.老师没收了我的游戏机，期末还给我时，我发现游戏全部通关了。
43. The teacher confiscated my game console and when he returned it to me at the end of the term, I found that all the games had been completed.
44.我觉得对陌生人应该友善一点，像路上碰到金融保险、英语培训、留学服务、情趣酒店、相亲中介、不孕不育的产品推销和调查问卷，我从来都是耐心和气地答完填上前男友的姓名住址电话。
44. I think we should be friendlier to strangers. When I encounter people promoting financial insurance, English training, study abroad services, themed hotels, matchmaking agencies, and those conducting surveys for infertility products, I always patiently and politely answer and fill in my ex-boyfriend’s name, address, and phone number.
45.肉啊肉，有本事别冲腿来、冲胸来！
45. Meat, meat, if you have the guts, don’t come to my legs or chest!
46.时间就像是乳沟，挤一挤，总还是会有的！
46. Time is like a cleavage; if you squeeze it, there’s always some.
47.下辈子我要当男人，娶一个像我这么好的女人。
47. In my next life, I want to be a man and marry a woman as good as myself.
48.刚刚被吵醒，就听见小区里有个男人大喊：打死，打死，往死打，反了，反了。这是要出大事的节奏啊!看看怎么回事，我赶紧起床，跑到窗前……我去，一个男人指挥媳妇倒车呢！
48. I was just awakened by the noise and heard a man in the community shouting, “Beat it, beat it, hit it hard, it’s rebelling, it’s rebelling!” Thinking something serious must have happened, I quickly got up, ran to the window… Oh, it was just a man directing his wife to reverse the car!
49.我对象很好，象对我也很好，而且我对马，兔子，狗都很好。
49. My object is very good, and so is the elephant. I am also kind to horses, rabbits, and dogs.
50.如果以后全世界都没有人要你，一定要记得还有我，我也不要你。
50. If no one in the world wants you in the future, remember that I am here too, and I don’t want you either.
51.和闺蜜出去旅游，累了在树下休息。突然几滴鸟屎滴到我脸上了，我还没反应过来，闺蜜就拿手帮我抹匀，边说，你的防晒霜没摸匀呢。
51. When I went on a trip with my best friend, we got tired and rested under a tree. Suddenly, a few drops of bird poop fell on my face. Before I could react, my friend helped me spread it evenly with her hand, saying, “Your sunscreen isn’t evenly applied.”
52.“警察叔叔，我的包丢了”“放心吧，包在我身上”“那你还我！”
52. “Police officer, I lost my bag.” “Don’t worry, I’ve got it on me.” “Then give it back to me!”
53.有旳人活着，他已经死了。有的人活着，他早该死了。
53. Some people are alive, but they are already dead. Some people are alive, but they should have died long ago.
54.什么叫寂寞？就是五十块的话费居然用了三个月还没用完……三个月啊！
54. What is loneliness? It means that a 50-yuan phone bill has lasted for three months and hasn’t been used up… three months!
55.一直听别人说，开房怎么怎么爽，终于有一天我忍不住去开房了……还真是爽啊，一个人睡这么大一张床！
55. I’ve always heard people say how great it feels to rent a room, and finally one day I couldn’t resist trying it out myself… It really was great, sleeping all alone on such a big bed!
56.据说今年夏天全国各地如今都在追悼一个叫热的家伙——“热死了！”
56. It’s said that this summer, people all over the country are mourning a guy named “Heat” – “Hot to death!”
57.讲课时女老师裤子拉链开了，一女生站起来提醒：老师，你门没关!老师一摆手：不管它一会儿教导主任要来参观。
57. During a lecture, a female teacher’s pants zipper was open. A female student stood up to remind her: “Teacher, your door is open!” The teacher waved her hand: “Never mind, the principal will come to visit later.”
58.新婚次日一大早，新娘痛苦地从洞房走出，一手扶着墙壁，一手捂着下身，大骂：骗子！真是个骗子!结婚前说有三十年的积蓄，我还以为是钱呢！
58. The day after the wedding, early in the morning, the bride walked out of the bedroom in pain, holding the wall with one hand and covering her lower body with the other, cursing: “Liar! What a liar! You said you had thirty years of savings, and I thought it was money!”
59.要珍惜你身边长得黑的人，因为有一天煤矿车经过，你可能就在也看不到他了。
59. Cherish the dark-skinned people around you, because one day when a coal mine cart passes by, you might never see them again.
60.别问我缺什么，我现在就缺个对象。
60. Don’t ask me what I lack; all I’m missing is a partner.
61.家长会和小三的性质一样，都是破坏家庭和谐的！
61. Parent-teacher conferences are like mistresses, both are disrupting family harmony!
62.问：你为女人哭过吗？答：哭过。问：谁？答：我妈，被打的老惨了，哭得嗓子都哑了。
62. Q: Have you ever cried for a woman? A: Yes. Q: Who? A: My mom, she was beaten so badly that she cried hoarse.
63.电风扇是人类最好的朋友，我问电风扇我长的丑吗？风扇默默地摇了一晚上的头。
63. The electric fan is the best friend of mankind. I asked the fan if I’m ugly, and it silently shook its head all night.
64.“以我的颜值要是在古代，我能撑起整个青楼！”“你是说你长得像柱子吗？”
64. “With my appearance in ancient times, I could have supported an entire brothel!” “Are you saying you look like a pillar?”
65.邻居家一小正太，今年4岁，上幼儿园，整天在学校丢文具。那天他爸火了：“就你整天丢，也没见你往回拿…”结果第二天，一回家就往沙发倒了一堆铅笔、本子……
65. A little boy in the neighborhood, 4 years old, goes to kindergarten and loses his stationery all the time. One day, his father got angry: “You keep losing things, but I don’t see you bringing anything back…” The next day, as soon as he got home, he dumped a pile of pencils and notebooks on the sofa…
66.闺蜜最近几天老来我家蹭饭，而且每次都吃的挺少，我就问：“怎么不多吃点？”闺蜜：“我每次减肥，又控制不住自己的嘴的时候，就想来你家蹭饭。毕竟，没有人做的饭像你做的这样，吃了第一口就不想吃第二口。”我：“你给我出去……”
66. My best friend has been coming to my house for meals lately, and she always eats very little. I asked, “Why don’t you eat more?” She replied, “Every time I’m on a diet and can’t control my mouth, I come to your house for a meal. After all, no one cooks like you do; after the first bite, I don’t want to eat the second one.” Me: “Get out…”
67.生活很讨厌，还好我很可爱。
67. Life is annoying, but luckily I’m adorable.
68.“你在干啥”“我在照镜子，”“那你闭着眼睛干啥”“我在看我睡觉的样子”。
68. “What are you doing?” “I’m looking in the mirror.” “Then why are your eyes closed?” “I’m trying to see what I look like when I sleep.”
69.你没事儿老梦我干吗，我忙你不知道吗?
69. Why do you keep dreaming about me when you know I’m busy?
70.别对我用美男计，否则我将计就计。
70. Don’t use your handsome charm on me, or I’ll play along with your plan.
71.算命先生说我会在八十岁的时候遇到一生中就重要的女人，她叫孟婆。
71. A fortune teller said that I would meet the most important woman in my life when I’m 80 years old; her name is Meng Po (the goddess of forgetfulness in Chinese mythology).
72.不要和我比懒，我懒得和你比。
72. Don’t compare laziness with me; I’m too lazy to compete with you.
73.万水千山总是情，给点分数行不行？人间自有真情在，给个满分也是爱！
73. There’s always love in the world, so how about giving me some points? True love exists among people; giving me a full mark is also a kind of love!
74.如果婚姻是爱情的坟墓，那么相亲是为坟墓看风水，表白是自掘坟墓，结婚是双双殉情，移情别恋是迁坟，第三者是盗墓！
74. If marriage is the grave of love, then matchmaking is looking for a good feng shui spot for the grave, confessing is digging the grave by oneself, getting married is a double suicide, falling in love with someone else is moving the grave, and the third party is grave robbing!
75.上课时我老低头，老师问我为什么，我淡定的回答，低头思故乡！
75. During class, I always keep my head down. When the teacher asked me why, I calmly replied, “I’m pondering my hometown!”
76.你骂我，肯定是因为你不够了解我，因为那些了解我的人，都想打我。
76. If you scold me, it must be because you don’t know me well enough, because those who know me want to hit me.
77.每天很早来学校，表面是爱学习，可有几人知道，我们是来抄作业的。
77. We come to school early every day, seemingly because we love studying, but who knows that we’re actually here to copy homework.
78.听君一席话，自挂东南枝。
78. After listening to your words, I’d rather hang myself from the southeast branch.
79.曾经相信能把日子过成段子，如今只盼别把日子变成案子。
79. I used to believe that I could turn life into a joke, but now I just hope not to turn it into a case.
80.任何一条消息在经过官方否认之前都不能相信。
80. You cannot believe any news before it’s officially denied.
81.“你的拿手好菜是什么，”“我烧的白开水还不错”。
81. “What’s your signature dish?” “My boiled water is pretty good.”
82.“从小到大，有没有一个人想起来让你心里又甜又酸的？”“有啊，我家门口卖糖葫芦那个大叔。”
82. “Has there ever been someone who makes you feel both sweet and sour when you think of them?” “Yes, the uncle who sells sugar-coated haws outside my house.”
83.一个漂亮的妹纸问我说：嗨，你有女朋友吗？我心里一激动说：没有。妹纸拎起裙脚原地转了一圈说：你看漂亮吗？我心跳加速的说：漂亮。妹纸接着说：恩，我也这么觉得，这是男朋友送我的。
83. A pretty girl asked me, “Hey, do you have a girlfriend?” I got excited and said, “No.” The girl lifted her skirt and spun around, saying, “Do you think I’m pretty?” My heart raced as I said, “Beautiful.” She then said, “Well, I think so too. This is a gift from my boyfriend.”
84.有人说走路玩手机容易出车祸，卧槽吓得我开始跑着玩。
84. Some people say that using your phone while walking is prone to accidents. Damn, that scared me into running while using my phone.
85.有时候你不努力一下，你都不知道什么叫绝望。
85. Sometimes if you don’t try hard, you won’t know what despair is.
86.“你怎么这么矮。”“因为我一直在迷你啊！”
86. “Why are you so short?” “Because I’ve always been miniaturizing!”
87.都说聊天止于呵呵，我就不相信，昨天给男神发消息说：好喜欢你。他说：呵呵。我回答道：呵呵尼玛个壁。于是和他对骂了一个晚上。
87. They say chatting stops at “hehe,” but I don’t believe it. Yesterday, I sent a message to my crush saying, “I really like you.” He replied, “hehe.” I said, “Hehe your wall!” So we ended up cursing at each other all night.
88.我吻过你的脸，都是隔离霜、bb霜、防晒霜，感觉一口吃了好多钱。
88. I’ve kissed your face, which is covered in makeup, BB cream, and sunscreen. It feels like I’ve eaten a lot of money in one mouthful.
89.“我胸小你介意吗”“不介意，我喜欢青梅竹马的感觉”“什么意思”“从小玩到大”。
89. “Would you mind if I have small breasts?” “No, I like the feeling of childhood sweethearts.” “What does that mean?” “Playing together since childhood.”
90.在餐厅偶遇初中女同学，但是她不记得我了，我便提醒她说：“你还记得初中时候，因为和你在小树林亲嘴被处分的那个男生吗？”她小脸一红，有些激动的说：“难道你就是当时那个……”我惭愧一笑：“没错，我就是当时告密的那个人！”
90. I bumped into a female classmate from junior high at a restaurant, but she didn’t remember me. So I reminded her, “Do you remember the boy who was punished for kissing you in the woods during junior high?” Her face turned red, and she said excitedly, “Are you the one who…?” I smiled shamefully and said, “Yes, I’m the one who reported it!”
91.“一整个披萨你要切8块还是12块？”“8块吧，12块我吃不下。”
91. “Would you like to cut the whole pizza into 8 or 12 slices?” “8 slices, please. I can’t eat 12 slices.”
92.我今天心情不好，只想讲四句话，包括前两句，我的话讲完了。
92. I’m in a bad mood today and only want to say four sentences, including the previous two. I’ve finished speaking.
93.路上看见一对情侣亲热。于是我跑过去，对那个男孩纸说：哥哥，今天的这个姐姐没有昨天的那个漂亮……
93. I saw a couple being intimate on the street. So I ran over to the boy and said, “Brother, this girl today isn’t as pretty as the one yesterday…”
94.某男走到收费站口！看见美女收费员甚是漂亮！男直视，女抬头说：小心肝！男大喜，说：小宝贝。女又说：小心肝。男快答：小宝贝！正在此刻，只听咣一声！收费站停车杆落下！砸的直出血。女鄙视说：活该！让你小心杆、小心杆你不听！还他妈的小宝贝，咋不砸死你呢？
94. A man approached the toll booth and saw a beautiful female attendant. He stared at her, and she looked up and said, “Be careful, liver!” The man was delighted and replied, “Little treasure.” The woman said it again, “Be careful, liver.” The man quickly answered, “Little treasure!” At that moment, the toll booth barrier fell with a bang, hitting him and causing him to bleed. The woman looked down on him and said, “Serves you right! I told you to be careful, and you didn’t listen! You even called me little treasure. Why didn’t you get killed?”
95.你不能让所有人满意，因为不是所有人都是人。
95. You can’t satisfy everyone, because not everyone is human.
96.一对男女在亲热，男的十分卖力，女的却毫无反映，男的生气的问道：“你就不能有点反映吗？连床也不会叫！”女的听后连忙大叫：“床！！床！！”
96. A couple was being intimate, the man was working very hard, but the woman showed no response. The man, getting angry, asked: “Can’t you show some reaction? You won’t even make a sound on the bed!” The woman, hearing this, quickly shouted: “Bed! Bed!”
97.算命先生与小姐对白：“你命不好。”“为什么？”“因为你身上带有凶兆。”“那我把胸罩脱了行吗?”“不行，你一脱了凶兆，就会出现人生的两个大波。
97. Fortune teller and young lady dialogue: “You have bad luck.” “Why?” “Because you have an ominous sign on you.” “Can I take off my bra then?” “No, once you remove the ominous sign, you’ll face two major challenges in life.”
98.皇上，臣妾有一事相求，恳请皇上将臣妾打入冷宫，臣妾受不鸟了，这天气太热了。
98. Your Majesty, your concubine has a request. Please send me to the cold palace, I can’t stand it anymore, the weather is too hot.
99.我以前很瘦，未来也很瘦，所以我现在先胖个一段时间，不然人生不圆满。
99. I used to be very thin, and I will be thin in the future, so I’m going to be fat for a while now, otherwise life won’t be complete.
100.独自一人坐在价值千万的车上却丝毫没有幸福的感觉，司机开着车一路飞奔，我无心欣赏沿途风景，心事浩寥，思绪万千：人活着到底为了什么？财富有这么重要吗？民主和GDP对于一个国家孰重孰轻？法治到底何时能实现，自己是不是太操之过急了？正沉思着，一抬头：我靠，高铁又坐过站了。
100. Sitting alone in a car worth millions, I don’t feel happy at all. The driver is speeding, I’m not enjoying the scenery along the way, my mind is full of thoughts: What is the purpose of life? Is wealth that important? Which is more important for a country, democracy or GDP? When will the rule of law be realized, am I too impatient? As I was pondering, I looked up and realized: “Damn it, I missed my stop on the high-speed train.”
逗人哈哈大笑的搞笑语录
Funny quotes that make people laugh
1.我是耶稣他儿子——椰子！
1. I am Jesus’ son - Coconut!
2.女为悦己者容，男为悦己者穷！
2. Women dress up for those who please them, men become poor for those who please them.
3.鄙视我的人这么多，你算老几?
3. There are so many people who despise me, who are you?
4.人家有的是背景，我有的只是背影。
4. Others have backgrounds, all I have is a silhouette.
5.现实的社会，毁了我一个做好人的机会!
5. The real society has ruined my chance to be a good person!
6.自从我变成了狗屎，就再也没有人踩在我头上了。
6. Ever since I became dog shit, no one has stepped on me anymore.
7.车到山前必有路，有路我也刹不住。
7. When the car reaches the mountain, there must be a road, but even if there is a road, I can’t stop.
8.微信就是牛逼，硬是把手机搞成对讲机。
8. WeChat is amazing, it turned a mobile phone into a walkie-talkie.
9.我的心就算是驴肝肺，也足以喂饱一条狗的胃了。
9. My heart, even if it’s a donkey’s liver and lungs, is enough to feed a dog’s stomach.
10.在美人面前：有危险要救，没有危险制造危险也要救。
10. In front of a beauty: rescue when there’s danger, and create danger to rescue when there’s none.
11.远看一座庙，近看咱母校，三百多尼姑，一万多老道。
11. From afar, it looks like a temple, up close, it’s our alma mater, with hundreds of nuns and thousands of Taoist priests.
12.哥低下头，不是因为怕，而是在找砖头。
12. I lower my head, not because I’m afraid, but because I’m looking for a brick.
13.各种小嗑各种唠，各种小曲各种调。
13. All kinds of chatter, all kinds of tunes, all kinds of melodies.
14.千里马常有，而母千里马不常有。
14. Talented individuals are common, but outstanding mothers are rare.
15.铁布衫，金钟罩，小李飞刀，爱情子弹在呼啸，情人看招。
15. Iron shirt, golden bell cover, Little Li’s flying dagger, love bullets howling, lovers watch out.
16.倚天剑，屠龙刀，丈八蛇矛，一将功成万骨枯，玉带龙袍。
16. Sword of the Sky, Saber of the Dragon, Spear of the Eight-Foot Python, one general’s success is built on the bones of ten thousand, jade belt and dragon robe.
17.水至清则无鱼，人至贱则无敌。
17. Water too clear has no fish, people too shameless are invincible.
18.吾家有男已长成，已经年过二旬。
18. My family has a son who has grown up, already past twenty years old.
19.风轻云淡独当歌，眉头深锁愁绪多。偶遇佳人送秋波，心神荡漾影婆娑。
19. Light wind and clouds, singing alone, deep furrows on the brow, full of sorrow. By chance, a beautiful woman sends autumn glances, heart and soul swaying, shadow dancing.
20.大女人不可一日无权，小女人不可一日无钱！
20. Strong women cannot live a day without power, weak women cannot live a day without money!
21.别人一夸我，我就担心，担心别人夸得不够。
21. Whenever others praise me, I worry, worried that they don’t praise me enough.
22.连广告也信，读书读傻了吧！
22. Believe in advertisements too? You must have read too many books!
23.哥，不寂寞，因为有寂寞陪着哥！
23. Brother, not lonely, because loneliness accompanies brother!
24.不怕讨债的是英雄，就怕欠债的是真穷！
24. A hero fears not debt collection, but fears the truly poor debtor!
25.东边日出西边雨，老师无情我有情。
25. The east has the sunrise while the west has rain; the teacher is ruthless but I have emotions.
26.去了医院才知道，人比号容易挂。
26. Only after going to the hospital do you realize that people are easier to hang than numbers.
27.我心里一直有你，只是比例变了而已。
27. You have always been in my heart, it’s just that the proportion has changed.
28.婆婆妈妈的结果：男性女性化，女性大妈化。
28. The result of being a mother-in-law and a mother: men become feminine, and women become aunt-like.
29.酒逢知己肚子小，话不投机鲜橙多。
29. When drinking with a confidant, the stomach feels smaller; when words don’t match, there are many fresh oranges.
30.我心眼儿有些小，但是不缺；我脾气很好，但不是没有！
30. My mind is somewhat small, but not lacking; my temper is good, but not non-existent!
31.种草不让人去躺，不如改种仙人掌！
31. If you don’t allow people to lie down on the grass you planted, it’s better to plant cacti instead!
32.路漫漫其修远兮，不如我们去打的。
32. The road ahead is long and has a distant repair, so let’s just take a taxi.
33.就你这个样子，这个年龄，已经跌破发行价了。
33. With your appearance and age, you have already dropped below the issue price.
34.老师说：快要高考了，早恋的就不要吵架了，以免影响心情；没早恋的就不要表白了，以免被拒绝影响心情。
34. The teacher said: The college entrance examination is coming soon, so those in early love should not quarrel, so as not to affect their mood; those who are not in early love should not confess, so as not to be rejected and affect their mood.
35.你脸上的痘真多拖拉机开上去都会翻车。
35. There are so many pimples on your face that even a tractor would overturn when driving on it.
36.哥是个传说，不要问哥是哪个单位的。
36. I am a legend, don’t ask which unit I belong to.
37.穷玩车，富玩表，牛B加班敲电脑。
37. The poor play with cars, the rich play with watches, and the awesome work overtime typing on computers.
38.哥们心理素质好得，就跟没心理素质一样。
38. My buddy’s psychological quality is so good that it feels as if he has no psychological quality at all.
39.说过的话可以不算，喜欢的人天天要换。
39. What has been said can be disregarded, and the person you like changes every day.
40.肚子大不可怕，可怕的是大而无料。
40. A big belly is not terrible; what’s terrible is that it’s big and empty.
41.老天，你让夏天和冬天同房了吧？生出这鬼天气！
41. God, did you let summer and winter have a child? This weird weather is the result!
42.您都好意思撒谎了，我哪敢好意思不信呢？
42. You have the nerve to lie, how dare I not believe it?
43.猪有猪的思想，人有人的思想。如果猪有人的思想，那它就不是猪了–是八戒！
43. Pigs have pig thoughts, and humans have human thoughts. If a pig had human thoughts, it wouldn’t be a pig anymore—it would be Pigsy!
44.问：你喜欢我哪一点？答：我喜欢你离我远一点！
44. Q: What do I like about you? A: I like you to stay away from me!
45.所谓早恋，只是在替别人养老婆。
45. So-called puppy love is just raising someone else’s wife.
46.没用的东西，再便宜也不买；不爱的人，再寂寞也不依赖。
46. Don’t buy useless things, no matter how cheap; don’t rely on those you don’t love, no matter how lonely.
47.再丑的人也能结婚、再美的人也有单身。
47. Even the ugliest people can get married, and the most beautiful people can still be single.
48.说了晚安去睡的人、往往半小时以后还在得瑟。
48. People who say they’re going to sleep after saying goodnight often still show off half an hour later.
49.一懒猫疯狂地追求一老鼠终于结婚，婚后猫对老鼠百般苛护，老鼠很快变胖，老鼠很感动：亲爱的为什么对我这么好呀！猫嘿嘿笑道：等你再胖一点就知道了。
49. A lazy cat madly pursued a mouse and finally got married. After marriage, the cat took good care of the mouse, and the mouse quickly became fat. The mouse was very touched: “Dear, why are you so good to me?” The cat chuckled: “You’ll find out when you get fatter.”
50.一室友，决心开始减肥，当着众室友的面信誓旦旦地讲到：“脂肪，我和你拼了。”一个月过去，减肥失败，又是在众室友面前温和的讲到：“亲爱的脂肪，这次你又赢了”。
50. A roommate decided to start losing weight and confidently said in front of all the roommates, “Fat, I’ll fight you.” A month later, the weight loss failed, and the roommate gently said in front of everyone, “Dear fat, you won this time.”
51.天使之所以会飞，是因为她们把自己看得很轻。
51. Angels can fly because they see themselves as light.
52.钻石恒久远，一颗就破产！
52. Diamonds are forever, but one is enough to go bankrupt!
53.走自己的路，让别人打车去吧！
53. Walk your own way and let others take taxis!
54.黑夜给了我一双黑色的眼睛，可我却用它来翻白眼。
54. The night gave me a pair of black eyes, but I use them to roll my eyes.
55.照相是要抢时机的，刻意的永远不会好。
55. Taking photos is about seizing the moment; anything deliberate will never be good.
56.白加黑：白天踩一人，不瞌睡；晚上再踩一人，睡得香。
56. White plus black: Step on one person during the day, no drowsiness; step on another person at night, sleep well.
57.别打开礼物的缎带，最初充满期待，最后都腐败。
57. Don’t unwrap the gift ribbon; it starts with anticipation, but ends in decay.
58.将薪比薪想一下，算了，不想活了。
58. Compare your salary with others, and forget about it, I don’t want to live anymore.
59.别惹我，否则我会让你死得很有节奏感。
59. Don’t provoke me, or I’ll make your death rhythmic.
60.老子不打你，你不知道我文武双全。
60. If I don’t hit you, you won’t know I’m both literary and martial.
61.你太矮了！借你望远镜吧，再看清楚点，我不帅吗？
61. You’re too short! Here, use my telescope to see more clearly. Am I not handsome?
62.我要做个下载软件，名字叫掩耳。因为迅雷不及掩耳。
62. I want to create a download software called “Covering Ears” because it’s faster than thunder and covering ears.
63.人家减肥减腰减屁股，为什么你非要从脑细胞开始。
63. Others lose weight from waist and buttocks, but why do you have to start with brain cells?
64.现在的手机、电脑都流行触屏。有位朋友特别感慨：现在科技发展这么快，说不准哪天电视都触屏了。另外一朋友说：你傻啊！有遥控器不用，非要走过去用手指戳？
64. Nowadays, mobile phones and computers are all about touchscreens. A friend remarked with emotion: “With technology advancing so fast, who knows, maybe one day TVs will be touchscreen too.” Another friend replied: “You’re silly! Why not use a remote control instead of walking up and poking at the screen with your fingers?”
65.千万别混日子，当心日子把你给混了。
65. Never waste time; be careful not to get lost in the days.
66.如果这都不算爱，那我宁愿卖白菜。
66. If this isn’t love, then I’d rather sell cabbages.
67.竟然有人我涂了蓝眼影，那简直是在侮辱我得黑眼圈！
67. Someone actually said I looked good with blue eyeshadow; that’s an insult to my dark circles!
68.出来混，迟早会烦的。
68. When you’re out in the world, you’ll eventually get annoyed.
69.成功是%的才干加上%的不被互联网分散精力。
69. Success is 99% talent and 1% not being distracted by the internet.
70.我有三高，身高，智力高，用的是步步高！
70. I have the “three highs”: tall, intelligent, and I use BBK.
71.命运负责洗牌，但是玩牌的是我们自己!
71. Fate deals the cards, but we are the ones who play the game!
72.我这心碎得，捧出来跟饺子馅似的。
72. My heart is so broken that when I hold it in my hands, it looks like dumpling filling.
73.我的领带又找不到了，是不是你昨天又没有找到抹布？
73. I can’t find my tie again; did you not find the rag yesterday either?
74.你瞧你吧！看背影急煞千军万马；转过头吓退百万雄师。
74. Look at you! From behind, you could lead a thousand soldiers; but when you turn around, you could scare away a million warriors.
75.明月几时有，把酒问青天…青天说：滚你妈的，我这么忙，哪有时间理你，自己看天气预报去…
75. “When will the bright moon appear?” I asked the blue sky while raising my wine glass… The sky replied: “Get lost, I’m so busy, I don’t have time for you. Go check the weather forecast yourself!”
76.我身在江湖，但江湖里却没有我得传说。
76. I am in the world of martial arts, but there are no legends about me.
77.拾到两角钱很高兴，拿起来一看是“一九九二年”的钱，“这钱过期了”
77. I was so happy when I found 20 cents, but when I picked it up, it was from 1992, “This money has expired.”
78.现在的梦想决定着你的将来，还是再睡一会吧！
78. Your dreams now determine your future; maybe I should sleep a little longer.
79.刚才在一个网站上注册了一个用户名叫“爹”，结果给我发了一个邮件，开始我一看就傻眼了，上面写的是：爹，您好，你的用户名注册成功了！
79. I just registered a username called “Dad” on a website. When I received an email, I was stunned. It said: “Dad, hello, your username has been successfully registered!”
80.如果照镜子要上税，恐怕有些女人会破产。
80. If looking in the mirror cost money, some women might go bankrupt.
81.逃课太多，一天想去上课，见到教授，教授惊讶地说，这么长时间不见，长这么大了。
81. Skipping too many classes, one day I wanted to attend a lecture. When I saw the professor, he was surprised and said, “Long time no see, you’ve grown so much!”
82.雷锋做了好事不留名，但是每一件事情都记到日记里面。
82. Lei Feng did good deeds without leaving his name, but he recorded every single one in his diary.
83.喝白酒一斤，我绝对没感觉，因为喝半斤就已经喝死了。
83. I can drink a jin (500g) of white wine without feeling anything, because I would be dead after drinking half a jin.
84.人人都说我丑，其实我只是美得不明显。
84. Everyone says I’m ugly, but actually, my beauty is just not obvious.
85.老子不打你，你就不知道我文武双全。
85. If I don’t hit you, you won’t know I’m talented in both literature and martial arts.
86.我特别困的时候，道德标准也没有醒，老师们要小心了。
86. When I’m extremely sleepy, even my moral standards are not awake, so teachers should be careful.
87.有一根火柴，几天不洗头，头皮痒，抓着抓着就被烧死了。
87. There was a matchstick that didn’t wash its hair for several days, and its scalp was itchy. It scratched and scratched until it got burned to death.
88.我的未来不是梦，我的未来是做噩梦。
88. My future is not a dream, my future is having nightmares.
89.您好，您所拨打的电话已去世，请来世再拨。
89. Hello, the number you dialed has passed away, please call again in the next life.
90.再丑也要谈恋爱，谈到世界充满爱。
90. Even if I’m ugly, I still need to fall in love, so that the world will be filled with love.
91.我和脂肪做斗争，差点没牺牲。
91. I almost sacrificed myself in the struggle against fat.
92.成人不自在，自在不成人。
92. Adults are not at ease, and those who are at ease are not adults.
93.爱你的时候，你是西施；恨你的时候，你是僵尸！
93. When I love you, you are Xi Shi; when I hate you, you are a zombie!
94.中华儿女千千万，这个不行咱就换。
94. There are thousands of Chinese sons and daughters, if this one doesn’t work, we can change to another.
95.你是风儿我是沙，你是皮鞋我是刷，你不理我我自杀。
95. You are the wind, and I am the sand; you are the leather shoe, and I am the brush. If you ignore me, I will commit suicide.
96.炫富就像孔雀开屏，一心想展示华丽的外表，却被人看见了屁眼。
96. Showing off wealth is like a peacock spreading its feathers, intending to display its gorgeous appearance, but people see its rear end instead.
97.我们只要有一颗自信心，神马都米有鸭梨。
97. As long as we have self-confidence, there will be no pressure at all.
98.偷吃不是我的错，是我嘴巴的寂寞。
98. It’s not my fault for sneaking food, it’s just the loneliness of my mouth.
99.世界上最遥远的距离，就他妈是星期一到星期五。
99. The longest distance in the world is fucking from Monday to Friday.
100.自从人晒黑了，脸色好看了，牙齿变白了，喝酒都不脸红了。
100. Ever since people got tanned, their faces looked better, their teeth turned whiter, and they didn’t blush when drinking alcohol.
逗女朋友开心一笑的搞笑语录
Funny quotes to make your girlfriend laugh
1.被抢走的东西就要用心抢回来，然后用力扔出去。
1. If something is taken away from you, you must strive to take it back and then throw it away with force.
2.你不爱我，我也不稀罕你的爱，拿着你的爱离我远一点。
2. If you don’t love me, I don’t care about your love. Take your love away from me.
3.我也不知道怎么形容现在这种感觉，反正就是，不想活了。除非你亲我一下。
3. I don’t know how to describe this feeling right now, but anyway, I just don’t want to live anymore. Unless you kiss me.
4.你说走就走，从未顾虑过我的感受，见你第一眼就知道，你是一条难养的狗。
4. You just leave without considering my feelings. From the first glance, I knew you were a difficult person to deal with.
5.一直在找一个叫厉的人，我想为我哥哥报仇，因为，厉害了我的哥！
5. I’ve been looking for someone named Li, because I want to avenge my brother, because, he’s awesome, my brother!
6.强迫症就是：睡觉前必须上个厕所，如果去过厕所后再玩手机，那一会睡觉还要再去一趟。
6. Obsessive-compulsive disorder is: you must go to the bathroom before going to sleep. If you use your phone after going to the bathroom, you’ll have to go again before sleeping.
7.年纪轻轻，体重倒是不轻。余额不多，想买的倒是不少。
7. I’m young, but my weight isn’t light. I don’t have much money, but there’s a lot I want to buy.
8.每年夏天晒黑了，我总是会想“没事，冬天就修复好了。
8. Every summer when I get tanned, I always think, “It’s okay, it will be fixed in winter.”
9.什么是安全感？就是做完题，有学霸和你念出了一样的答案。
9. What is a sense of security? It’s when you finish a question and an academic master says the same answer as you.
10.世界上最远的距离不是天涯和海角，而是老师在讲第四章，学霸在自学第八章，而我在看目录！
10. The longest distance in the world is not the ends of the earth and the corners of the sea, but the teacher is talking about Chapter 4, the academic master is self-studying Chapter 8, and I’m just looking at the table of contents!
11.冬天，脚在被窝里每伸向一块新地方，都是一场探险。
11. In winter, every time my feet stretch to a new spot in the quilt, it’s like an adventure.
12.为什么我的眼里常含泪水，因为我他妈困得要死。
12. Why are there always tears in my eyes? Because I’m so damn sleepy.
13.一醉汉不慎从三楼掉下，引来路人围观，一警察过来:发生什么事？醉汉：不清楚，我也是刚到！
13. A drunk man accidentally fell from the third floor, attracting onlookers. A police officer came over: What happened? Drunk man: I’m not sure, I just got here too!
14.承诺就像女人说要减肥一样，经常说却很难做到，一切都是假的话。
14. Promises are like women saying they want to lose weight, often said but hard to do, all lies.
15.假如我是神笔马良的话，我会画一个井，把你放进去，再画个盖子。
15. If I were the Magic Brush Ma Liang, I would draw a well, put you in it, and then draw a lid.
16.所有不想当方丈的神父，一定不是好道长！
16. All priests who don’t want to be abbots are definitely not good Taoist priests!
17.你不拿我当回事，对不起，我也没把你当人看，我告诉你，别把我逼到这份上。
17. If you don’t take me seriously, I’m sorry, I don’t treat you like a human either. I tell you, don’t push me to this point.
18.天若有情天亦老，动我兄弟全部放倒！
18. If heaven has feelings, it will age too; anyone who messes with my brother will be taken down!
19.别说煽情的话，待会儿酒瓶一砸咱俩各回各家。
19. Don’t say sentimental words; after the bottle smashes, we’ll go our separate ways.
20.身后空无一人，嚣张是我本性。
20. I have no one behind me; being arrogant is my nature.
21.像你这种人，在我导演的连续剧里，我最多能让你活两集。
21. For people like you, in the TV series I direct, I would only let you live for two episodes at most.
22.不管多大岁数的人类成员，在钱面前，一概年轻。
22. No matter how old a human being is, in front of money, everyone is young.
23.鸭子太嚣张，兔子太多嘴，我是猪，我很乖。
23. Ducks are too arrogant, rabbits talk too much, I am a pig, and I am well-behaved.
24.日照香芦升子烟，李白来到烤鸭店，口水直流三千尺，一模兜里没有钱。
24. The sun shines on the fragrant reed, and Li Bai comes to the roast duck shop, his mouth watering for three thousand feet, only to find no money in his pocket.
25.我想当皇帝，怕罗嗦；想当官，怕事多；想吃饭，怕刷锅；真想揍你一顿，怕惹祸。
25. I want to be an emperor, but I’m afraid of nagging; I want to be an official, but I’m afraid of too much work; I want to eat, but I’m afraid of washing dishes; I really want to beat you up, but I’m afraid of causing trouble.
26.男人忽悠女人，叫调戏；女人忽悠男人，叫勾引；男女相互忽悠，叫爱情。
26. When men deceive women, it’s called flirting; when women deceive men, it’s called seducing; when men and women deceive each other, it’s called love.
27.人生没有彩排，每天都是直播；不仅收视率低，而且工资不高。
27. There is no rehearsal in life, every day is a live broadcast; not only is the rating low, but the salary is also low.
28.暑假前信誓旦旦的说我要减肥，暑假后没瘦还胖了！
28. Before the summer vacation, I vowed to lose weight, but after the summer vacation, I didn’t lose weight, I gained weight!
29.小时候我很纠结是上清华还是北大、现在看来我多想了。
29. When I was a child, I was struggling between going to Tsinghua or Peking University, but now it seems I thought too much.
30.你这么爱说风凉话，莫非你是风油精和清凉油生出来的？
30. You love to say cold and heartless words, could it be that you were born from Wind Oil Essence and Cooling Oil?
31.又到了这个尴尬的季节，一个穿短袖的和一个穿棉袄的擦肩而过，互相在心底都说了句傻逼。
31. It’s that awkward season again, when someone wearing short sleeves and someone wearing a cotton jacket pass by each other, they both say “idiot” in their hearts.
32.我妈问我怎么在卫生间那么久不洗澡，我没敢告诉她，我路过镜子时被自己迷住了。
32. My mom asked me why I stayed in the bathroom for so long without taking a shower, but I didn’t dare tell her that I was captivated by my reflection in the mirror.
33.我喜欢你就像我喜欢海，可我也不能去跳海，我可以去上海。
33. I like you just as much as I like the sea, but I can’t jump into the sea, I can go to Shanghai.
34.你总是，间歇性踌躇满志，持续性混吃等死，筹谋一天，躺尸一年。
34. You always have intermittent enthusiasm, persistent laziness, plan for a day, and lie dead for a year.
35.亲爱的，你可得一定要相信我啊，我连坐船都头晕，更何况是脚踏两只船呢。
35. Darling, you must believe me, I get dizzy from riding a boat, let alone walking on two boats.
36.麻麻说：我叛逆期怎么整她，她更年期就怎么整我。
36. Mom said: How I torment her during my rebellious period, she will torment me the same way during her menopausal period.
37.描述一下你上课的模样，从脊椎动物变成无脊椎动物最后变成软体动物。
37. Describe your appearance in class, from a vertebrate to an invertebrate, and finally to a mollusk.
38.公布成绩的那一刻最容易得心脏病。
38. The moment the results are announced is the most heart-attack-inducing.
39.人家手牵手，我牵我的狗，看谁不爽咬一口。
39. People hold hands, I hold my dog, and if I see someone I don’t like, I’ll bite them.
40.如果我是一位公主，我会拯救一只青蛙，可我遇到的全是癞蛤蟆。
40. If I were a princess, I would save a frog, but all I’ve encountered are toads.
41.最近比较烦、比较烦烦烦烦！无聊的世界苍天，请赐我一死我睡觉去安静一下！
41. I’m quite annoyed lately, so annoyed! Boring world, heaven, please grant me death, I’ll go to sleep for some peace and quiet!
42.以后别问我有没有对象了，我们神仙跟凡人谈恋爱是违背天条的。
42. Don’t ask me if I have a partner anymore, it’s against the heavenly rules for us immortals to fall in love with mortals.
43.看到同学在照镜子总会插一句话：照妖镜。
43. Every time I see a classmate looking in the mirror, I always add a comment: “Mirror of demons.”
44.后的你有著一颗后的心和一张后的脸。
44. You have a heart and face that belong to the post-‘90s generation.
45.戒烟了，再抽真就腾云驾雾了！
45. I quit smoking; if I smoke again, I’ll truly be in the clouds and fog!
46.因为我怕黑!所以我从小学习成绩就不好!”“和怕黑有什么关系”因为不敢看黑板。
46. “I’ve had poor academic performance since I was a child because I’m afraid of the dark!” “What does that have to do with being afraid of the dark?” I’m afraid to look at the blackboard.
47.我说我比较喜欢李白的诗，陆游气坏了，然后我家就没法上网了。
47. I said I prefer Li Bai’s poetry, Lu You got angry, and then my home had no internet access.
48.失足少女，终于找回自己的脚。
48. The wayward girl finally found her own feet.
49.心狠手辣的我，舔了一下自己的手指，被辣哭了。
49. As a ruthless person, I licked my own finger and cried because it was spicy.
50.老师的教诲，小明没齿难忘，于是第二天，他镶了一副假牙。
50. Teacher’s teachings made Xiaoming never forget, so the next day, he got a set of dentures.
51.原本想一口一口吃掉忧愁，不料却一口一口吃成胖子。
51. I originally wanted to eat my worries away one bite at a time, but unexpectedly, I ate myself into a fat person instead.
52.敢诅咒我吃方便面没有调味料，我诅咒你吃方便面只有调味料。
52. If you dare to curse me for having no seasoning in my instant noodles, I’ll curse you to only have seasoning in your instant noodles.
53.为什么一看书，就困呢？因为书，是梦开始的地方
53. Why does reading make me sleepy? Because books are where dreams begin.
54.提问：为什么暑假一定比寒假长?回答：因为热胀冷缩。
54. Question: Why is summer vacation always longer than winter vacation? Answer: Because of thermal expansion and contraction.
55.很多人一开始为了梦想而忙，后来忙得忘了梦想。
55. Many people start out busy pursuing their dreams, but later become so busy that they forget their dreams.
56.枯藤老树昏鸦，小桥流水人家。学校饭菜涨价，同学饿成瘦马。夕阳西下，妈妈我要回家。
56. Withered vines, old trees, dusk crows, small bridges, flowing water, and people’s homes. School cafeteria prices rise, and students become skinny horses. As the sun sets, I want to go home, Mom.
57.我的哀愁莫过于躺下去胸平了肚子还在。
57. My sorrow is that when I lie down, my chest flattens, but my stomach remains.
58.心情不好的时候，我就半夜给别人打骚扰电话，把他们吵醒了，我就睡觉。
58. When I’m in a bad mood, I make prank calls in the middle of the night to others, wake them up, and then I go to sleep.
59.我这人从不记仇，一般有仇我当场就报了。
59. I never hold grudges; generally, if I have a grudge, I settle it on the spot.
60.我的兴趣爱好可分为静态和动态两种，静态就是睡觉，动态就是翻身…
60. My hobbies can be divided into static and dynamic types: static is sleeping, and dynamic is turning over…
61.每个人出生的时候都是原创，很可惜，很多人渐渐成了盗版。
61. Everyone is born as an original, but unfortunately, many people gradually become counterfeit.
62.什么叫成熟，你妈没逼你，你就穿上秋裤了。什么叫青春，你妈逼着你，你还是不穿秋裤。
62. What is maturity? It’s when your mom doesn’t have to tell you, and you put on your long johns. What is youth? It’s when your mom forces you, but you still don’t wear long johns.
63.我哪是什么朴实，节俭，会过日子的人，我只是单纯的穷而已。
63. I’m not really a simple, thrifty, and good at living person; I’m just plain poor.
64.待你长发及腰，我便开启双刀，十字斩加暴走，长发全带走！
64. When your long hair reaches your waist, I’ll unleash dual blades, cross斩, and go on a rampage, taking all the long hair away!
65.蚊子不可恶，可恶的是唐伯虎忘了给我们点蚊香。
65. Mosquitoes are not the worst; the worst is that Tang Bohu forgot to light mosquito incense for us.
66.粗腿女生羡慕嫉妒各种小细腿，不管他是男是女。
66. Chubby-legged girls envy and resent all those with slim legs, regardless of whether they are male or female.
67.天灵灵，地灵灵，各路神仙快显灵，一个晚上把学校全炸平。
67. Heaven and earth, please listen! All the gods and spirits, show your power tonight and blow up the entire school!
68.在白雪公主身邊的不一定是小矮人，也可能是葫芦娃。
68. The one by Snow White’s side is not necessarily a dwarf; it could also be a gourd kid.
69.哇，你长得这么好看是哪家名门之后啊？你爹是天蓬元帅吧
69. Wow, you look so good; whose offspring from a prestigious family are you? Your father must be Marshal Tian Peng.
70.过去那些以为过不去的坎，你会慢慢的发现，原来只怪自己腿短…
70. Those obstacles you once thought you couldn’t overcome, you’ll slowly find out, it’s just because your legs are short…
71.希望大家不要做一个抠门的人，因为，门会烂的！
71. I hope everyone doesn’t become a stingy person, because then, the door will rot!
72.没用了，我已经生气了，启动毁灭人类计划A，吃光所有食物。
72. It’s no use, I’m already angry. I’m initiating Plan A for the destruction of humanity: eat all the food.
73.你所有被人称道的美丽，都有PS的痕迹。
73. All the beauty you are praised for has traces of Photoshop.
74.嘿，小样！说你胖你还喘上勒。
74. Hey, you little thing! You’re getting out of breath just because I said you’re fat.
75.天空呢，其实是无色的。它并没有欺骗你、你只是自己的眼睛欺骗了自己。
75. The sky, actually, is colorless. It didn’t deceive you; your own eyes deceived you.
76.这么不要脸，这么没心没肺，你的体重应该会很轻吧。
76. So shameless and heartless, your weight should be very light, right?
77.每天一定要有一个很重要的时刻，是用来发呆的。
77. Every day, there must be an important moment dedicated to daydreaming.
78.面对流氓，我就是文人。面对文人，我就是流氓。
78. Facing a hooligan, I am a scholar. Facing a scholar, I am a hooligan.
79.大长腿你不用弯腰我不用长高，因为我会蹦跶。
79. With your long legs, you don’t need to bend down, and I don’t need to be taller because I can bounce around.
80.我喜欢白天，因为白天能作白日梦。
80. I like daytime because I can daydream.
81.像我这样放个屁都会吓一跳的人，你们怎么舍得对我凶巴巴啊。
81. How can you bear to be fierce with me when I’m the kind of person who gets startled by my own fart?
82.一直坚信自己会瘦的，现在只是胖着玩玩而已。可惜玩着玩着就玩嗨了…
82. I’ve always believed I would be thin; now, I’m just fat for fun. Unfortunately, I’ve become too immersed in the fun…
83.我特么这么热爱数学，你竟只给我一个写名字的权利！
83. I am so passionate about mathematics, and you only give me the right to write my name!
84.今天就要上学了，国庆假期结束了，希望自己能收收心，调整心态，准备过年。
84. Today is the first day of school after the National Day holiday. I hope I can focus, adjust my mindset, and get ready for the New Year.
85.蓝瘦，香菇，本来今颠高高兴兴，泥为什莫要说这种话？
85. I feel so blue, like a mushroom. I was so happy today, why did you have to say something like that?
86.早上刚一起床，就有一股睡午觉的冲动。
86. As soon as I get up in the morning, I have an urge to take a nap.
87.月考不给你们露两手，还真以为我上课白睡的。
87. I’ll show you my skills in the monthly exam, so you won’t think I’ve been sleeping in class for nothing.
88.小时候不爱吃饭，导致现在个矮；现在是爱吃饭了，导致又胖又矮。
88. When I was a child, I didn’t like eating, which led to my short stature; now that I love eating, I’m both fat and short.
89.别和我抢东西，虽然我不会撒娇，但我会玩摔跤。
89. Don’t fight with me over things. Although I can’t act cute, I’m good at wrestling.
90.有人说我丑，我笑了，你是没有见过我的那帮朋友。
90. Some people say I’m ugly, but I just laughed. You haven’t met my friends.
91.为了不辜负今天这样的好天气，来篮球场了，打篮球的特别多，果然捡了不少矿泉水瓶。
91. To make the most of such a beautiful day, I came to the basketball court. There were so many people playing basketball that I collected quite a few mineral water bottles.
92.匿名功能是用来表白的，不要用来跟我玩猜猜我是谁。
92. The anonymous function is for confessing feelings, not for playing “guess who I am” with me.
93.一起放屁的朋友可能要在一起一辈子。
93. Friends who fart together are probably meant to be together for life.
94.找不到被子长短边的时候，感觉整个人在做印度甩饼。
94. When I can’t find the long or short side of the blanket, it feels like I’m making an Indian flatbread.
95.听说女生上辈子造的孽越多，今世的胸就越大。
95. It is said that the more sins a girl commits in her previous life, the larger her chest will be in this life.
96.我长不高的原因大概是因为一直在迷你。
96. The reason I don’t grow tall might be because I’m always playing with miniatures.
97.我的灵魂在唱歌在跳舞，只是肉体赖在床上。
97. My soul is singing and dancing, but my body just wants to stay in bed.
98.我有八十多种小辣条，现在考虑跟我做朋友还来得及。
98. I have more than 80 types of spicy snacks, so it’s not too late to consider becoming my friend.
99.好不容易习惯了自己的长相，理个发又换了一种丑法。
99. I finally got used to my appearance, but a haircut changed the way I look again.
100.听成绩时一定要用右耳，因为左耳靠近心脏，可能会猝死。
100. When listening to my grades, make sure to use your right ear because the left ear is closer to your heart, and it might cause a sudden death.
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