1、面对我前面的人群，我得穿过而且潇洒，我知道你在旁边上看着，挺假……
1. Facing the crowd in front of me, I have to pass through and be chic; I know you’re watching from the side, it’s quite fake…

2、问世间情为何物，佛曰：废物！
2. What is love in this world? Buddha says: Trash!

3、天若有情天亦老，人若有情死得早！
3. If the heavens have feelings, they too will grow old; if humans have feelings, they will die sooner!

4、孩子死了，你来奶了！
4. The child is dead, and now you come to nurse!

5、现在的导师都不叫导师，也不叫老板，叫科研包工头！
5. Nowadays, mentors are not called mentors or bosses, but scientific construction contractors!

6、我荒废了时间，时间便把我荒废了……
6. I have wasted time, and time has abandoned me…

7、如果有一天我变成流氓，请告诉别人，我纯真过……
7. If one day I become a rogue, please tell others that I was once innocent…

8、孔雀拼命开屏，却露出屁眼！
8. The peacock desperately displays its feathers, but reveals its buttocks!

9、我极力收拢自己，一如我攥紧的石头，是为了将它扔地更远！
9. I try my best to restrain myself, just like when I tightly grip a stone, in order to throw it even farther!

10、我想一只趴在玻璃上的苍蝇，前途一片光明，而我却找不着出路……
10. I feel like a fly stuck on a glass window; the future looks bright, but I can’t find a way out…

11、鸟大了，什么林子都有！
11. When the bird is big enough, there are all kinds of forests!

12、学士上面是硕士，硕士上面是博士，博士上面是博士后，博士后上面呢？如果你够勇敢再读两年是勇士，再读五年是壮士，再读七年是烈士，烈士以后呢？国家会推出圣斗士，读满两年是青铜的，5年是白银的，7年是黄金的。
12. Above a bachelor’s degree is a master’s degree, above a master’s degree is a doctorate, and above a doctorate is a postdoc. What’s above a postdoc? If you’re brave enough to study for two more years, you’re a warrior; after five years, you’re a hero; after seven years, you’re a martyr. What comes after a martyr? The country will introduce the Holy Warriors - two years for bronze, five years for silver, and seven years for gold.

13、我是你的风筝，线在你手上，可陪伴我的只有风……
13. I am your kite, the string is in your hand, but all that accompanies me is the wind…

14、祖国尚未统一，没有心情复习……
14. The motherland is not yet unified, I have no mood to review…

15、复习=不挂科，不复习=挂科，所以，复习+不复习=不挂科+挂科，提公因式、（1+不）复习=（不+1）挂科，约分，所以，复习=挂科 。我靠，真理诞生了……
15. Reviewing = not failing the exam, not reviewing = failing the exam. Therefore, reviewing + not reviewing = not failing + failing. Factor out the common factor, (1+not) reviewing = (not+1) failing. Simplify, and thus, reviewing = failing. I靠, a truth is born…

16、快期末了，大家一起跟我唱：“我家住在黄土高坡，大风从坡上刮过，不管是李宇春还是曾轶可，都是我滴哥我滴哥 ……我家住在黄土高坡，日头从坡上走过，不管是拜春哥，还是拜曾哥，保佑我及格，不挂科！”！
16. The end of the semester is approaching, let’s all sing together: “My home is on the loess plateau, the strong wind blows from the slope, whether it’s Li Yuchun or Zeng Yike, they are all my brothers… My home is on the loess plateau, the sun passes over the slope, whether it’s worshiping Spring Brother or Zeng Brother, bless me to pass and not fail the exam!”

17、夏天就是不好，穷的时候我连西北风都没得喝……
17. Summer is not good, when I’m poor, I don’t even have northwest wind to drink…

18、新世纪女性：上得了厅堂，下得了厨房，写得了代码，查得出异常，杀得了木马，翻得了围墙，开得起好车，买得起新房，斗得过二奶，打得过流氓……
18. New-century women: able to enter the hall, able to go to the kitchen, able to write code, able to detect anomalies, able to kill trojans, able to climb walls, able to drive good cars, able to buy new houses, able to fight with mistresses, and able to beat up thugs…

19、新世纪男性：睡得了地板，住得了走廊，跪得起主板，补得了衣裳，吃得下剩饭，付得起药方，带得了孩子，养得起姑娘，耐得住寂寞，争做灰太狼……
19. New-century men: able to sleep on the floor, able to live in the corridor, able to kneel before the motherboard, able to mend clothes, able to eat leftovers, able to pay for prescriptions, able to take care of children, able to support girls, able to endure loneliness, and strive to be Grey Wolf…

20、有这样一个人，你给他短信，他会马上回你。无论白天还是深夜。有这样一个人，你问他，他会听你说，你不想理他了，他也不会再发短信烦你。他，是10086。
20. There is such a person: if you send him a text message, he will reply immediately, whether it’s day or night. If you ask him, he will listen to you, and if you don’t want to talk to him, he won’t bother you with text messages. He is 10086.

21、就算是Believe中间还是有个lie，就算是Friend最后还是免不了end，就算是Lover最后还是会over，就算是Forget也得先get才行，就算有Wife心里也夹杂着if……
21. Even in “Believe” there is a “lie”, even in “Friend” there is an “end”, even in “Lover” there is an “over”, even in “Forget” you have to “get” first, and even with a “Wife” there is still an “if” in the heart…

22、又帅又有车的，那是象棋；有钱又有房的，那是银行；有责任心又有正义感的，那是奥特曼；又帅又有车、有钱又有房、有责任心又有正义感的是在银行里面下象棋的奥特曼。
22. The one who is handsome and has a car is in chess; the one who has money and a house is in the bank; the one with a sense of responsibility and justice is Ultraman; the one who is handsome, has a car, money, a house, a sense of responsibility, and justice is Ultraman playing chess in the bank.

23、企鹅GG和企鹅MM去约会，企鹅MM还没有到约会的地点，企鹅GG就一直在左看看，右看看…左看看，右看看…左看看，右看看…… 企鹅MM来了后看见企鹅GG这个样子，怒了！ 一巴掌呼了过去骂道：“你以为你TMD在登陆QQ啊！”
23. Penguin GG and Penguin MM went on a date. Before Penguin MM arrived at the meeting place, Penguin GG kept looking left and right… left and right… left and right… left and right… When Penguin MM arrived and saw Penguin GG like this, she got angry! She slapped him and scolded, “Do you think you’re logging into QQ?!”

24、我像草一样，不能自拔……
24. I am like grass, unable to extricate myself…

25、后轮爱上前轮，却知道永远不能和她在一起，于是他吻遍了她滚过的每一寸土地。
25. The rear wheel fell in love with the front wheel, but knew they could never be together, so he kissed every inch of the ground she rolled over.

26、鲜花往往不属于赏花的人，而属于牛粪。
26. Flowers often do not belong to those who appreciate them, but to the cow dung.

27、你快回来，我一人忽悠不来！
27. Come back soon, I can’t fool them all by myself!

28、一恐龙路过西安交大时上了趟厕所，出来后她呜咽道：“555，这辈子终于不愁嫁不出去了……”
28. A dinosaur passed by Xi’an Jiaotong University and went to the bathroom. After coming out, she sobbed, “555, I won’t have to worry about not getting married in my life…”

29、生，容易。活，容易。生活，不容易。
29. To be born is easy. To live is easy. To live a life is not easy.

30、出问题先从自己身上找原因，别一便秘就怪地球没引力。
30. When problems arise, first look for reasons within yourself, don’t blame the lack of gravity on Earth just because you have constipation.

31、我们走得太快，灵魂都跟不上了……
31. We move too fast, our souls can’t keep up…

32、出来混，老婆迟早是要换的！
32. When you’re in the game, you’ll have to change your wife sooner or later!

33、据统计，大雄在《哆啦A梦》全集中一共被胖虎揍173次，被老师骂60次，被妈妈骂了327次，被狗咬23次，掉进水沟14次，可见我们大雄是多么乐观的活着，我前面的困难算什么，我也一定会坚持下去的……
33. According to statistics, Da Xiong was beaten up by Fat Tiger 173 times, scolded by the teacher 60 times, scolded by his mother 327 times, bitten by a dog 23 times, and fell into a ditch 14 times in the entire “Doraemon” series. It shows how optimistic Da Xiong is in life. What difficulties I face now are nothing compared to his, and I will definitely persist…

34、我把一万句誓言装在机枪里向你扫射，你倒在血泊中，浑身镶满了丘比特的子弹！
34. I loaded ten thousand oaths into a machine gun and fired at you. You fell into a pool of blood, covered with Cupid’s bullets!

35、同济大学老师：“08级的男同学你们不要着急，你们未来的老婆现在还在中学蹦达着呢……成功人士平均比配偶大12岁，这样算来你们很多人未来的老婆还在小学一年级蹦达着。所以说现在养的那是别人的老婆……”
35. Tongji University teacher: “Male students of the 2008 class, don’t worry. Your future wives are still in high school… Successful people are on average 12 years older than their spouses. In this case, many of your future wives are still in the first grade of elementary school. So, the ones you’re raising now are other people’s wives…”

36、怀才就像怀孕，时间久了才能让人看出来。
36. Talent is like pregnancy; it takes time for people to notice.

37、我爱你时，你说什么就是什么。我不爱你时，你说你是什么。
37. When I love you, whatever you say goes. When I don’t love you, who are you to say anything?

38、卖花的小姑娘拉着我，说道：大哥哥，买花吧，一看就知道你是花心的人。
38. The flower-selling little girl grabbed me and said, “Big brother, buy some flowers. I can tell you’re a flirtatious person just by looking at you.”

39、这个世界没有上帝。人类一思考，上帝就发笑。思考多了，上帝就笑死了。
39. There is no God in this world. When humans think, God laughs. If they think too much, God will die of laughter.

40、男人的事业是建立在女人之上，婚前为了结婚而拼事业，婚后为了勾搭更多的女人再拼事业。
40. Men’s careers are built upon women. Before marriage, they strive for a career to get married; after marriage, they strive for a career to seduce more women.

41、我他妈就是有钱，秃头我也用清扬洗发水！
41. I’m fucking rich, and I use Clear shampoo even if I’m bald!

42、有钱的人没才；有才的人没钱。经过多年的艰苦奋斗，我在两者之间找到了统一！我既没钱又没才。
42. Rich people have no talent; talented people have no money. After years of hard work, I found a unity between the two! I have neither money nor talent.

43、我心眼儿有些小，但是不缺；我脾气很好，但不是没有！
43. My mind is somewhat small, but not lacking; my temper is good, but not nonexistent!

44、原来只要是分开了的人，不论原来多么熟悉，也会慢慢变得疏远。
44. It turns out that once people are separated, no matter how familiar they were before, they will gradually become distant.

45、去披萨店买披萨！服务员问我是要切成8块还是12块？我想了想说：还是8块吧！12块吃不完！
45. Went to the pizza shop to buy a pizza! The waiter asked if I wanted it cut into 8 pieces or 12 pieces? I thought about it and said: 8 pieces! I can’t finish 12 pieces!

46、自从我变成了狗屎，就再也没有人踩在我头上了。
46. Ever since I became dog shit, no one has stepped on me anymore.

47、提醒大家要学会修自己的笔记本，这是很重要的！从前有个人，他不会修自己的笔记本……后来的事情大家都知道了。
47. A reminder to everyone: learn to repair your own laptop, it’s very important! There was a person who couldn’t repair his own laptop… and then, as we all know, it happened.

48、刚毕业后会有期；毕业一年后会有妻；后来后悔有妻；再后来会有后妻；最后悔有后妻。
48. After graduation, there will be a period; after one year, there will be a wife; later regret having a wife; then there will be a second wife; and in the end, regret having a second wife.

49、老子不打你，你不知道我文武双全。
49. If I don’t hit you, you won’t know that I’m both cultured and martial.

50、今天你乱棍打不死我xxx（自己的名字），明天想另嫁你闺女难上难！
50. Today you can’t beat me to death with a random stick, and tomorrow it’ll be hard for you to marry off your daughter!

51、帝国主义亡我之心不死，中国将成为音乐殖民地……
51. Imperialism never dies, wanting to annihilate me; China will become a music colony…

52、今晚仰卧，明早起坐，明晚俯卧，后天撑……，锻炼，有时候就是这么简单！
52. Tonight lie on my back, tomorrow morning sit up, tomorrow night lie face down, the day after tomorrow, do push-ups… Exercise can sometimes be this simple!

53、我是颗糖，甜到哀伤……
53. I am a candy, sweet to the point of sadness…

54、日落花无颜，闭门夜难眠、待到重阳天，他乡月更圆……
54. At sunset, flowers lose their color, closed doors make the night hard to sleep; when the Double Ninth Festival comes, the moon in a foreign land is rounder…

55、我的爱，在没有铁轨的列车上，流淌……
55. My love, on a train without rails, flows…

56、我费劲千辛爬上梯子的顶端，却发现梯子搭错了墙头……
56. I struggled to climb to the top of the ladder, only to find that I had set it up against the wrong wall…

57、没什么事就不要找我，有事了更不要找我。
57. Don’t look for me if there’s nothing, and don’t look for me even more if there is something.

58、你以为我会眼睁睁地看着你去送死？我会闭上眼睛的。
58. Do you think I’ll watch you die? I’ll close my eyes.

59、作为一名烟客，必须具备三个条件：烟、打火机、及抽烟时露出的那种无耻神韵！
59. As a smoker, you must have three things: cigarettes, a lighter, and the shameless charm revealed while smoking!

60、一别之后，两心相悬，以为分别三四月，归来却是五六年……
60. After parting, two hearts hang in suspense; thinking it would be just three or four months apart, but when I return, it has been five or six years…

61、很黑的深夜，我突然想要学习，可是当我找到蜡烛的时候，天已经亮了……
61. In the pitch-black night, I suddenly wanted to study, but by the time I found the candle, it was already morning…

62、一个人低调一次，是惺惺作态，但低调一辈子，就是志向高洁，不与世俗同流合污……
62. If a person keeps a low profile once, it’s just pretentious, but if they do it for a lifetime, it means they have noble aspirations and do not mingle with the worldly people.

63、据说某公司招聘，先把收到的一大堆简历随机扔掉一半，因为他们的招聘理念是“我们不要运气不好的人。”
63. It is said that a certain company, when recruiting, randomly throws away half of the resumes they receive because their recruitment philosophy is “We don’t want people with bad luck.”

64、等中国强大了，全叫老外考中文四六级！文言文太简单，全用毛笔答题，这是便宜他们，惹急了爷，一人一把刀，一个龟壳，刻甲骨文。论文题目就叫论三个代表，听力全用周杰伦的歌，双节棍只听一遍，阅读理解就用周易，口试要求唱京剧，实验就考包饺子！
64. When China becomes powerful, we’ll make all foreigners take Chinese proficiency tests! Classical Chinese is too easy; they’ll have to answer with calligraphy brushes, which is already a favor. If they really annoy me, I’ll give each of them a knife and a turtle shell to carve oracle bone script. The thesis topic will be “On the Three Represents,” the listening test will be Jay Chou’s songs with “Nunchucks” played only once, the reading comprehension will be the Book of Changes, the oral test will require singing Beijing Opera, and the experiment will be making dumplings!

65、随你大小便！
65. Do as you please!

66、我以后生个儿子名字要叫“好帅”，那别人看到我就会说“好帅的爸爸”。
66. I will name my son “Good Handsome” so that when people see me, they’ll say, “The father of Good Handsome.”

67、工作，退一步海阔天空，爱情，退一步人去楼空。
67. In work, taking a step back brings a broader horizon; in love, taking a step back leaves you alone.

68、工作的最高境界就是看着别人上班，领着别人的工资。
68. The highest state of work is watching others go to work and collecting their salaries.

69、钱不是问题，问题是没钱！
69. Money is not the issue; the issue is having no money!

70、喝醉了我谁也不服，我就扶墙!
70. When I’m drunk, I won’t submit to anyone; I’ll just lean on the wall!

71、我就像一只趴在玻璃上的苍蝇，前途一片光明，但又找不到出路。
71. I am like a fly stuck on a glass window, with a bright future ahead but no way out.

72、大师兄，你知道吗？二师兄的肉现在比师傅的都贵了。
72. Big brother, do you know? The meat of Second Brother is now more expensive than Master’s.

73、这年头还整天挂QQ的人，除了上班没事做，就是下班没人爱的人……
73. Nowadays, those who still hang out on QQ all day long are either people with nothing to do at work or those who have no one to love after work…

74、据说，我出生时，天空的北方，出现祥云一片，渐渐由远至近，飘到我家房顶后，幻化成一个字：帅！
74. It is said that when I was born, there was a auspicious cloud in the northern sky that gradually approached and turned into a single character on my house roof: Handsome!

75、帅有个屁用！到头来还不是被卒吃掉！
75. What’s the use of being handsome? In the end, I am still eaten by a pawn!

76、从天堂到地狱，我路过人间！
76. From heaven to hell, I pass through the world!

77、在通往牛逼的路上，我一路狂奔！
77. On the way to becoming awesome, I sprint all the way!

78、我宁空守寂寞三千载立马长啸，不招惹轻浮女子入纱帐一解孤单！
78. I’d rather endure three thousand years of loneliness and let out a long howl while guarding my solitude than to get involved with frivolous women and relieve my loneliness in a gauze tent.

79、再牛B的肖邦，也弹不出老子的悲伤！
79. Even the most brilliant Chopin cannot play out my sorrow!

80、夏天到了，女生可以穿裙子，但不能过膝！
80. In summer, girls can wear skirts, but not longer than their knees!

81、你怎么可能重生呢，如果你不先化为灰烬？
81. How can you be reborn if you don’t turn to ashes first?

82、仍然自由自我，永远高唱我歌！
82. Still free and unrestrained, I will always sing my song loudly!

83、现在的硕士学位，就像脚底的一粒米，不拿不舒服，拿了又不能吃！
83. A master’s degree nowadays is like a grain of rice on the sole of your foot; not picking it up feels uncomfortable, but picking it up and eating it is impossible.

84、一蓑一笠一扁舟，一丈丝纶一寸钩。一曲高歌一樽酒，一人独钓一江秋……
84. A straw cape, a bamboo hat, and a flat boat; a length of silk line and an inch-long hook. A song of high praise, a cup of wine; a solitary person fishing alone in the autumn river…

85、老子不但有车，还是自行的……
85. Not only do I have a car, but it’s also a bicycle…

86、看花应不如看叶，绿影扶疏意味长……
86. It’s better to appreciate leaves than flowers; the green shadows and sparse branches hold a deeper meaning…

87、如果多吃鱼可以补脑让人变聪明的话，那么你至少得吃一对儿鲸鱼……
87. If eating more fish could improve brainpower and make one smarter, then you’d have to eat a pair of whales at the very least…

88、水至清则无鱼，人至贱则无敌。
88. Water too clear has no fish; people too shameless are invincible.

89、青春就像卫生纸，看着挺多的，用着用着就不够了。
89. Youth is like toilet paper; it seems like there’s plenty, but as you use it, it runs out.

90、我身边的朋友们啊，你们快点出名吧，这样我的回忆录就可以畅销了。
90. My friends around me, please become famous quickly, so my memoirs can become a bestseller.

91、一女同学黑了些，她男友又太白了些，有天宿舍里得毒舌天后突然对她冒出一句：“你们这样不行，你们会生出斑马来的。”
91. A female classmate was a bit dark, and her boyfriend was too pale. One day, in the dormitory, the venomous queen suddenly said to her, “This won’t do, you two. You’ll give birth to zebras.”

92、老娘一向视帅哥与金钱如粪土，而他们也一直是这样看我的。
92. I’ve always treated handsome men and money like dirt, and they’ve always seen me the same way.

93、不要和我比懒，我懒得和你比。
93. Don’t compare me to laziness; I’m too lazy to compete with you.

94、我不是个随便的人我随便起来不是人。 摘自：搞笑语录   www.yuluju.com
94. I’m not a casual person; when I’m casual, I’m not human. From: Funny Quotes www.yuluju.com

95、上帝说，要有光，我说我反对，从此世界上有了黑暗。
95. God said, “Let there be light,” but I objected, and since then, darkness has existed in the world.

96、今天心情不好、我只有四句话想说、包括这句和前面的两句、我的话说完了。
96. I’m in a bad mood today; I have only four sentences to say, including this one and the two before it. My words are now finished.

97、做人就要做一个徘徊在牛A和牛C之间的人。
97. To be a person, one should be someone who hovers between being amazing (牛A) and being crazy (牛C).

98、树不要皮，必死无疑；人不要脸，天下无敌。
98. A tree without bark is surely dead; a person without shame is invincible.

99、农夫三拳有点疼。
99. A farmer’s three punches hurt a bit.

100、其实我一直很受人欢迎的：小时候的我人见人爱，如今的我人贱人爱。
100. In fact, I’ve always been popular: as a child, everyone loved me; now, everyone loves me despite my lowliness.