1、我感觉你像两头猪，因为一头猪已经不能形容你的蠢。
1. I feel like you’re like two pigs, because one pig can’t describe your stupidity.
2、魅力的代表人物：康师傅。每天都有成千上万的人泡它。
2. The embodiment of charm: Master Kang. Every day, tens of thousands of people “soak” him.
3、大家好，我是国家一级退堂鼓表演专家。
3. Hello everyone, I am a national first-class retreat drum performance expert.
4、一路上有你，苦一点也愿意，苦很多免谈。
4. With you by my side, I am willing to endure a little bitterness, but not too much.
5、这世界上必有一个人，会对你不离不弃，如果现在还没有遇到，说明你没有逛过屈臣氏。
5. There must be someone in this world who will stick by you, and if you haven’t met them yet, it means you haven’t been to Watsons.
6、垂死病中惊坐起，我的包裹在哪里。
6. In my dying illness, I suddenly sat up, where is my package?
7、后来我爱上的每一个人都像你，全是傻逼。
7. Later, everyone I fell in love with was like you, all idiots.
8、今天就是520了，哪个250在我面前秀恩爱，我就用502封他嘴。
8. Today is 520, if any of the 250s show their love in front of me, I will use 502 to seal their mouths.
9、小时候肚子疼是正常的。现在肚子疼别人说你来月经了。
9. Having a stomachache as a child is normal. Now when people say you have a stomachache, they say you got your period.
10、听到老师说又要开始罚钱，我就知道是他工资花完了。
10. Hearing the teacher say that we have to start paying fines again, I knew it was because he had spent all his salary.
11、吃，我所欲也，瘦，亦我所欲也，二者不可得兼，我了个去也。
11. Eating is what I desire, and being thin is also what I desire, but I can’t have both, damn it.
12、脸乃身外之物，可要可不要，钱乃必要之物，不得不要。
12. Face is an external thing, it can be discarded, while money is a necessary thing, it must be obtained.
13、你身上有她的香水味，一闻就知道没我的贵。
13. You have her perfume scent on you, and I can tell it’s not as expensive as mine.
14、早知道找个男朋友这么难，我就定娃娃亲了。
14. If I had known finding a boyfriend would be so difficult, I would have arranged a child marriage.
15、原谅我盛装出席，手握水笔，眉头紧锁，奋笔疾书，只为帮学霸垫底。
15. Forgive me for dressing up, holding a pen, frowning, and writing furiously, all just to help the top student out.
16、我是奔跑的五花肉，我为自己带盐。
16. I am the running streaky pork, I bring my own salt.
17、世界上最不忠心的就是钱，说好的一起出门，然后它就不跟我回来了;最忠心的就是肉，奶奶的，怎么甩也甩不掉!
17. The most disloyal thing in the world is money, it promised to go out together, and then it never came back with me; the most loyal thing is meat, damn it, I can’t get rid of it no matter how hard I try!
18、朋友说第二个半价的广告单身狗表示很受伤，我说那是你们单身狗的事，我们单身猪表示吃两个正好。
18. My friend said that the “second half price” advertisement hurt single people, I said that’s your single people’s business, we single pigs think eating two is just right.
19、我一直以为空气是免费的，直到那天我买了包薯片。
19. I always thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.
20、上课走了神，想知道老师讲到第几页，才发现周围的人页数都不一样!
20. I was daydreaming in class, and when I wanted to know what page the teacher was on, I found that the pages around me were all different!
21、意见一致，你说了算。意见不一致，我说了算。
21. If we agree, you have the final say. If we disagree, I have the final say.
22、我这辈子只有两件事不会：这也不会，那也不会。
22. In my life, there are only two things I can’t do: this and that.
23、天冷了，如果不能给我拥抱，就请给我买件外套。
23. It’s getting cold. If you can’t give me a hug, please buy me a coat.
24、虽然学霸的成绩让我目瞪口呆，但我的交卷速度绝对让学霸目瞪口呆。
24. Although the academic’s grades leave me speechless, my submission speed definitely leaves the academic speechless.
25、我觉得，孤男寡女的时候，女生说好冷是一种耍流氓的行为。
25. I think that when a man and a woman are alone, a girl saying she’s cold is a kind of hooligan behavior.
26、学校楼梯里装镜子就是为了告诉我们：人丑就该多读书。
26. The school installed mirrors in the staircase to tell us: if you’re ugly, you should study more.
27、上学的时候总想玩电脑，放假了只能对着电脑发呆。
27. When I was in school, I always wanted to play on the computer; now that I’m on vacation, I can only stare at the computer.
28、有些人，考试靠实力，有些人，考试靠视力，而我，考试靠想象力。
28. Some people rely on their abilities in exams, some rely on their eyesight, and I rely on my imagination.
29、高一学习的是傻币，高二不学习的是傻币，高三傻币都知道学习了。
29. Freshmen who study are fools; sophomores who don’t study are fools; even fools know to study in their senior year.
30、考完试以后对答案，优生会说：”卧槽，又错了一个！差生会说：”艾玛，又对了一个！
30. After an exam, good students say, “Damn it, I made another mistake!” while poor students say, “Oh my, I got another one right!”
31、有一种填空题叫完全不会，有一种选择题叫看起来都对，有一种计算题叫边做边流泪，有一种应用题叫做起来崩溃。
31. There’s a type of fill-in-the-blank question where I have no idea, a multiple-choice question where they all seem right, a calculation question where I cry while doing it, and an application question that drives me crazy.
32、考试最崩溃的时候是看到一道题，模糊的记得老师讲过，但清晰的记得我当时没听。
32. The most frustrating moment in an exam is when you see a question, vaguely remember the teacher mentioning it, but clearly remember that you weren’t listening at the time.
33、老师的经典谎话，无论好学生还是差学生，我都一视同仁。
33. The classic teacher’s lie: I treat good students and poor students equally.
34、我一失足成大瘸子，再回首又闪了腰。
34. I missed a step and became a cripple; when I looked back, I twisted my waist.
35、拜托不要叫他动脑子好不好。左脑全是水，右脑全是面粉，不动便罢了，一动全是浆糊。
35. Please don’t ask him to think. His left brain is full of water, and his right brain is full of flour. If he doesn’t move, it’s fine; once he moves, it’s all mush.
36、为什么关羽比张飞死得早？答案：红颜薄命呗。
36. Why did Guan Yu die earlier than Zhang Fei? Answer: A beautiful face has a short life.
37、都是背了太多的心愿，流星才会跌的那么重，都是藏了太多的谎言，我们分手才会那么伤。
37. We’ve both carried too many wishes, that’s why the meteor falls so heavily; we’ve both hidden too many lies, that’s why our breakup hurts so much.
38、借朋友的车开，朋友说还的时候要给车加油。还车时，我冲车鼓了鼓掌。
38. I borrowed a friend’s car and was told to refuel it when returning it. When I returned the car, I clapped for the car.
39、逃课太多，一天想去上课，见到教授，教授惊讶地说，这么长时间不见，长这么大了。
39. I skipped so many classes that one day I wanted to attend, and when I saw the professor, he was surprised and said, “Long time no see, you’ve grown so much!”
40、结婚前我是你的天使；结婚后我还是，是天天被你使唤。
40. Before marriage, I was your angel; after marriage, I’m still your angel, but one who’s constantly ordered around by you.
41、考试就像得了病一样，考前是忧郁症，考时是健忘症，考后病情开始好转，拿回卷子时，心脏病就发作了。
41. Exams are like getting sick; before the exam, you have depression, during the exam, you have amnesia, and after the exam, the condition starts to improve. When you get your test paper back, you have a heart attack.
42、如果没有作业，没有测验，没有考试，没有家长会，我想我会很喜欢上学的。
42. If there were no homework, no quizzes, no exams, and no parent-teacher conferences, I think I would really enjoy going to school.
43、这世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
43. In this world, I only trust two people: one is me, and the other is not you.
44、每次做作业做到很晚，脑子里就会出现两个小人，一个说算了别做了，另一个说好呀好呀好呀。
44. Every time I do my homework late at night, two little guys appear in my mind. One says, “Forget it, don’t do it,” and the other says, “Yes, yes, yes!”
45、希望你能拿着一袋子零食砸向我的脸，就是要这么简单粗暴的友情。
45. I hope you can take a bag of snacks and throw it at my face, just like that simple and rough friendship.
46、有人告诉我，这世上再也没有比爱情更复杂的东西了，我一本数学书摔在他脸上。
46. Someone told me that there is nothing more complicated in the world than love. I threw a math book in his face.
47、油条可能是单身汉发明的，两根紧紧纠缠的面条象征了他对爱情的美好渴望，然后被扔进了油锅。
47. Fried dough sticks might have been invented by a bachelor. The two tightly entwined noodles symbolize his longing for a beautiful love, and then they were thrown into the frying pan.
48、个人认为：滴滴打车之所以不叫滴滴打的，是因为后者太像唢呐。
48. I personally think that the reason why DiDi Taxi is not called DiDi Taxi is that the latter sounds too much like a suona (a Chinese musical instrument).
49、小时候，在学校最害怕老师，最害怕请家长，最害怕同学说“我告老师去”。
49. When I was young, the things I feared the most at school were teachers, being asked to invite parents, and classmates saying, “I’m going to tell the teacher.”
50、你永远看不见我眼里的泪，因为你不在时我才会哭泣。
50. You will never see the tears in my eyes, because I only cry when you are not around.
51、减肥的最高境界：我到底有没有吃过东西。
51. The highest state of losing weight: I can’t remember if I have eaten anything.
52、当别人说你是疯子的时候，你离成功就不远了。
52. When others call you crazy, you are not far from success.
53、订婚前，像孙子，百依百顺；订婚后，像儿子，学会顶嘴；结婚后，像老子，发号施令。
53. Before engagement, you are like a grandson, obedient in every way; after engagement, you are like a son, learning to talk back; after marriage, you are like a father, giving orders.
54、钱很有用，却很不耐用；钱很难赚，缺很好花。
54. Money is very useful but not durable; it is hard to earn but easy to spend.
55、为了我的奥迪，你的迪奥，咱孩子的奥利奥。努力！奋斗！
55. For my Audi, your Dior, and our child’s Oreo, let’s work hard and strive!
56、世界上最美的事就是——吃饱了睡。
56. The most beautiful thing in the world is to eat and sleep.
57、把最后一瓶水留给人民，把那瓶橙汁给我……
57. Leave the last bottle of water to the people, and give me that bottle of orange juice…
58、我的钱包就像个洋葱，每次打开都叫我泪流满面。
58. My wallet is like an onion; every time I open it, it makes me cry.
59、最讨厌那些跟我说“你为何放弃治疗”的废话，搞得我好像还有救似的。
59. I hate those who say, “Why did you give up treatment?” to me, as if I still have a chance to be saved.
60、你住的城市下雨了，很想问你有没有带伞，如果没有带，希望再下大点儿。
60. It’s raining in your city, and I really want to ask if you have an umbrella. If you don’t, I hope it rains even harder.
61、都说边走路边玩手机不安全，吓得我开始跑着玩。
61. They say it’s unsafe to use a phone while walking, so I started running while using it.
62、在事实面前，我们的想象力越发达，后果就越不堪设想。
62. In the face of facts, the more developed our imagination is, the more terrible the consequences will be.
63、通往成功的路，我总是在施工。
63. The road to success is always under construction.
64、地铁上说禁止携带易燃易爆品，我默默下车了，因为我可爱到爆。
64. The subway says no flammable or explosive materials are allowed, so I quietly got off because I’m explosively cute.
65、专家称眼睛千万不要连续对着手机太久，那样手机会没电。
65. Experts say not to stare at the phone for too long, or it will run out of battery.
66、我的长相能让我安静读书到毕业。
66. My appearance allows me to study quietly until graduation.
67、上课睡觉觉，下课打闹闹，考试死翘翘。
67. Sleep in class, play around after class, and fail the exam.
68、考试就像雪碧，考前心飞扬，考后透心凉。
68. Exams are like Sprite: before the exam, my heart soars; after the exam, I feel chilled.
69、喝醉了我谁也不服，我就扶墙!
69. When I’m drunk, I won’t submit to anyone; I’ll just lean on the wall!
70、世界上最恐怖的事之一，就是跟害怕看恐怖片的人一起看恐怖片。
70. One of the scariest things in the world is watching a horror movie with someone who’s afraid of them.
71、都说强拗的瓜不甜，哥就喜欢吃苦瓜。
71. They say a forced melon is not sweet, but I love bitter gourd.
72、先别鄙视我，给你个号码牌，先排队，到你的时候再鄙视。
72. Don’t look down on me first; here’s a number, get in line, and we’ll see who’s laughing when it’s your turn.
73、俺从不写措字，但俺写通假字！
73. I never make typos, but I write pseudo-characters!
74、我能容忍身材是假的，脸是假的，胸是假的，臀是假的！！！但就是不容忍钱是假的！
74. I can tolerate fake bodies, faces, breasts, and butts, but I cannot tolerate fake money!
75、你长得很低调，活着怎么这么得瑟啊！
75. You look low-key, but why are you so arrogant in life?
76、寒假作业就是：你写一个月，老师写一个阅。
76. Winter vacation homework is like this: you spend a month writing, and the teacher just writes a “read”.
77、平时骂你就算了，非要等我打你，才知道我文武双全。
77. I can put up with you cursing me, but don’t make me hit you and show you my literary and martial talents.
78、在金钱和你面前，我毫不犹豫的选择了你，结果却发现，我是人财两空。
78. In front of money and you, I chose you without hesitation, only to find out that I’ve lost both.
79、一直认为人是立体的，做了地铁才知道，人原来也可以是平面的。
79. I always thought people were three-dimensional, but after taking the subway, I realized they could also be flat.
80、我的兴趣可以分为静态和动态两种，静态就是睡觉，动态就是翻身。
80. My interests can be divided into static and dynamic: static is sleeping, and dynamic is turning over.
81、钱太多了，就用不着考虑；完全没有钱，也用不着考虑了。
81. When there’s too much money, there’s no need to consider; when there’s no money at all, there’s no need to consider either.
82、一个成功的单身女人就是永远不需要男人，但身边永远不缺男人。
82. A successful single woman is someone who never needs a man but always has men around her.
83、当年也是个痴情的种子，结果下了场雨淹死了。
83. I was once a seed of infatuation, but then it rained and I drowned.
84、我中箭了，丘比特这兔崽子，下手真狠。
84. I’ve been hit by an arrow; that little rascal Cupid, he’s really ruthless.
85、黑夜给了我黑色的鼠标，我却用它游戏到天明。
85. The night gave me a black mouse, but I used it to play games until dawn.
86、早回家的男人，讲故事给老婆听；晚回家的男人，编故事给老婆听。
86. Men who come home early tell stories to their wives; men who come home late make up stories for their wives.
87、走得最急的是最美的景色，伤的最深的是最真的感情。
87. The most fleeting scenes are the most beautiful, and the deepest hurts come from the truest feelings.
88、啄木鸟靠一张嘴去消灭害虫，但有人却靠一张嘴去充当害人虫！
88. Woodpeckers use their beaks to eliminate pests, but some people use their mouths to act as harmful worms!
89、对感情不负责任的人分两种：一种是经常恋爱；另一种是从不恋爱，经常结婚。
89. People who are irresponsible in relationships can be divided into two types: one is always in love, and the other never falls in love but gets married frequently.
90、女人如果不对自己狠，男人就会对你狠。
90. If a woman is not tough on herself, men will be tough on her.
91、爱情，有时候脆弱的像一朵枯萎的玫瑰花，只有花形而无色彩。
91. Love, sometimes fragile like a withered rose, has the shape but no color.
92、别人周末足不出户是为了做宅男宅女，而我只是为了省钱。
92. Others stay indoors on weekends to be宅男宅女 (otaku), while I do it just to save money.
93、积极的人像太阳，照到哪里哪里亮，消极的人像月亮，初一十五不一样
93. Positive people are like the sun, shining wherever they go; negative people are like the moon, changing from the first to the fifteenth day.
94、眼泪的存在，是为了证明悲伤不是一场幻觉
94. The existence of tears is to prove that sadness is not an illusion.
95、男人有了烟，有了酒，也就有了故事；女人有了钱，有了姿色，也就有了悲剧
95. Men have cigarettes, alcohol, and stories; women have money and beauty, but also tragedies.
96、你以为最酸的感觉是吃醋吗？不是，最酸的感觉是没权吃醋。
96. Do you think the sourest feeling is jealousy? No, the sourest feeling is having no right to be jealous.
97、在神经的人群里呆久了，我发现我正常了。
97. After staying in a group of neurotic people for a long time, I found that I became normal.
98、猪有猪的思想，人有人的思想，如果猪有人的思想，那它就不是猪了，是八戒。
98. Pigs have pig thoughts, and humans have human thoughts. If pigs have human thoughts, they would not be pigs, but rather Zhu Bajie (Pigsy).
99、自从你不找我聊天以来，我的网速快多了。
99. Ever since you stopped chatting with me, my internet speed has been much faster.
100、世界最短武侠小说：高手被豆腐砸死了。我因为帅被女人抢死了！
100. The world’s shortest martial arts novel: The master was killed by a tofu hit. I was killed by women fighting over my handsomeness!
1、我的兴趣爱好可分为静态和动态两种，静态就是睡觉，动态就是翻身。
1. My hobbies can be divided into two types: static and dynamic. Static is sleeping, and dynamic is turning over.
2、刷牙是件悲喜交加的事，一手拿杯具，一手拿洗具。
2. Brushing teeth is a bittersweet event, holding a cup in one hand and a toothbrush in the other.
3、锄禾日当午，上学真幸苦，已进入学校，罚站一下午。
3. Hoeing the field under the midday sun, going to school is really tough, and once entering the school, I have to stand for the whole afternoon.
4、假如生活欺骗了我，那我也去欺骗生活。
4. If life deceives me, I will deceive life as well.
5、你让我下不了台，我让你连上台的机会都没有。
5. If you make me lose face, I will make sure you don’t even have a chance to get on stage.
6、思想就像内裤，要有，但不能逢人就证明你有。
6. Thoughts are like underwear; you must have them, but you can’t prove it to everyone.
7、一般般的我，一般般的亮。一般般的你，我看不上！
7. I’m just average, and so is my brightness. You’re average too, but I don’t think much of you!
8、地铁上的广告：挤吗？买辆车吧！出租车上的广告：赌吗？坐地铁吧！靠，忽悠我还是怎么着！
8. Subway advertisement: Crowded? Buy a car! Taxi advertisement: Gambling? Take the subway! Damn, are you kidding me or what?
9、自爱，必先自私，唯有自私，才能大爱。
9. To love oneself, one must first be selfish; only by being selfish can one achieve great love.
10、我平胸我骄傲，我为国家省布料。
10. I’m flat-chested, and I’m proud of it, for I save fabric for my country.
11、执子之手，将子拖走，子若不走，拍晕了继续拖走！
11. Holding your hand, I’ll drag you away; if you refuse to leave, I’ll knock you out and keep dragging you!
12、牛B中的战斗机，贱人中的VIP。
12. The fighter jet among badasses, the VIP among jerks.
13、肖邦，你要能弹出劳资的悲伤，劳资就给你一块钱。
13. Chopin, if you can play my sorrow, I’ll give you a dollar.
14、我们活着的大多数人，一辈子只做了三件事：自欺、欺人、被人欺。
14. Most of us, in our lifetime, only do three things: deceive ourselves, deceive others, and be deceived by others.
15、我不怕喝敌敌畏，就怕开盖畅饮，再来一瓶。
15. I’m not afraid of drinking敌敌畏 (a pesticide), but I’m afraid of opening a bottle and finding another one inside.
16、世界上最爱我的男人，已经娶了我妈。
16. The man who loves me the most in the world has already married my mom.
17、真正的境界是宁可自己去原谅别人，莫让别人来原谅你。
17. The true state of mind is to prefer forgiving others rather than having others forgive you.
18、不想看你不开心，却又嫉妒你和别人太开心！
18. I don’t want to see you unhappy, but I’m jealous when you’re too happy with others!
19、那些曾经泼过我冷水的人，我一定会烧开了还给你们。
19. Those who have poured cold water on me, I will definitely boil it and return it to you.
20、老师上课的质量，决定手机此月的流量。
20. The quality of the teacher’s class determines the monthly data usage of my phone.
21、你用温柔将我所有的菱角磨平，然后用尽全力伤我到死。
21. You smoothed all my edges with tenderness, and then hurt me to death with all your strength.
22、只有不可替代，你才不会被炒掉，但一直不可替代，就不会被提拔。
22. Only the irreplaceable will not be fired, but always being irreplaceable means never being promoted.
23、春天来了，绿意盎然，他也来了，一身绿装！md，连帽子也是绿色的！
23. Spring is here, full of greenery, and he’s here too, dressed in green! Damn, even his hat is green!
24、人们喜欢春风，厌恶寒风，其实寒风是无辜的，是温度在使坏！
24. People like the spring breeze and hate the cold wind, but the cold wind is innocent; it’s the temperature that’s to blame!
25、电脑是愤怒者的麦克风，深夜它传播着我们的骂声！
25. The computer is the microphone for the angry; in the deep night, it spreads our curses!
26、你鱼肉百姓，百姓就人肉你。
26. You exploit the people, and the people will expose you.
27、男人靠征服世界来征服女人！女人靠征服男人来征服世界！
27. Men conquer the world to conquer women! Women conquer men to conquer the world!
28、自从我变成了狗屎，就再也没人踩到我头上。
28. Ever since I became dog feces, no one has stepped on my head anymore.
29、今天听到一个八岁的小姑娘唱，两只老虎，两只老虎，谈恋爱，谈恋爱。两只都是公的，两只都是公的，真变态，真变态。
29. Today, I heard an eight-year-old girl singing, “Two tigers, two tigers, in love, in love. Both are male, both are male, how perverted, how perverted.”
30、就算再挫也要谈恋爱，谈到世界充满爱！
30. Even if I’m a loser, I still want to fall in love, until the world is full of love!
31、我谈过最长的恋爱，就是自恋，我爱自己，没有情敌。
31. The longest relationship I’ve ever had is with myself; I love myself, with no rivals in love.
32、看到有篇微博说道你自己是否愿意和自己谈恋爱。我纠结了很久，最后还是选择了不愿意。瞬间我再也不怪那些抛弃我的人了。
32. I saw a Weibo post asking if you would date yourself. I hesitated for a long time and finally chose not to. In that moment, I stopped blaming those who abandoned me.
33、你出来一下，我有事想跟你谈谈。”“谈什么?”“恋爱。”
33. Come out for a moment, I want to talk to you about something. “What about?” “Dating.”
34、一个妇女从超市回来，忿忿地抱怨：”如果顾客永远是对的，为什么不是一切都免费。
34. A woman came back from the supermarket, complaining angrily, “If the customer is always right, why isn’t everything free?”
35、春有百花秋有月，夏有凉风冬有雪。若无烦事挂心头，便是人间好时节。
35. Spring has a hundred flowers, autumn has the moon, summer has a cool breeze, and winter has snow. If no worries burden your heart, every season is a fine time.
36、老板，来一碗泪流满面。
36. Boss, bring me a bowl of tearful noodles.
37、有钱的人怕别人知道他有钱，没钱的人怕别人知道他没钱。
37. Rich people fear others knowing they have money, while poor people fear others knowing they have no money.
38、为什么你坐在那儿，看上去就像一个没写地址的信封？
38. Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without an address?
39、君子报仇，十年不晚，小人报仇，从早到晚。
39. A gentleman seeks revenge in ten years; a petty person seeks revenge from morning till night.
40、天上终不会掉陷饼，它只会掉陷阱。
40. The sky will never drop a pie, but it will drop traps.
41、白色加白色就是黑色，因为双重否定就是肯定。
41. White plus white equals black, because a double negative is a肯定.
42、我对你的感情就像雷锋对于穷人的怜悯。
42. My feelings for you are like Lei Feng’s compassion for the poor.
43、未来要和我结婚的那位：也不知道你现在给谁谈恋爱呢。别给人家浪费感情了、找个时间咱俩认识一下呗。
43. To the one who will marry me in the future: I wonder who you’re dating now. Don’t waste your feelings on them; let’s get to know each other sometime.
44、那个叫珍妮的女孩我不喜欢，我喜欢那个叫玛尼的！
44. I don’t like the girl named Jenny; I like the one named Manny!
45、一美女说：第一次牵我手的人是给我看手相的那个先生。
45. A beautiful girl said: The first person who held my hand was the fortune teller.
46、不是你不滚，是我不够狠。
46. It’s not that you don’t leave; it’s just that I’m not ruthless enough.
47、老师本想对同学们说把掌声送给自己，可不小心说成把巴掌送给自己。说完，一同学”啪”“啪”就给了自己两耳光。
47. The teacher wanted to tell the students to give applause to themselves, but accidentally said to give slaps to themselves. After saying that, a classmate “pa” “pa” gave themselves two slaps.
48、考题再复杂，终究没有我这心情复杂。
48. No matter how complicated the exam questions are, they are still not as complicated as my mood.
49、谁说水火无情，当你快要被口水淹死的时候，你却火了。
49. Who says water and fire are merciless? When you’re about to be drowned by saliva, you’re on fire.
50、如果我死了，我的第一句话是：老子终于不用怕鬼了。
50. If I die, my first sentence would be: I’m finally not afraid of ghosts anymore.
51、我这一生一共做错两件事，其一是生出来，另一是活下去。
51. In my life, I’ve made two mistakes: one is being born, and the other is living on.
52、别在我面前摆POSE，我真怕忍不住想摔相机。
52. Don’t pose in front of me; I’m really afraid I’ll忍不住 wanting to smash the camera.
53、最近神马开始变驴腿了，浮云变雨水了！
53. Recently, everything has turned into donkey legs, and floating clouds have turned into rain!
54、我只顾着往后看，却没有在意前面的路有多长。
54. I was only looking back, not paying attention to how long the road ahead was.
55、没有强大的主人，别以为你是狗就可以乱咬人！
55. Without a strong master, don’t think you can bite people just because you’re a dog!
56、枕着打印机睡，就能打印出一整夜的梦吧？
56. Sleeping with a printer as a pillow, can I print out a whole night’s worth of dreams?
57、其实人活着的时候就是一个躯壳，死了就变成一堆骨灰。
57. In fact, when people are alive, they are just a shell; when they die, they become a pile of ashes.
58、我对你的心，比钻石还坚硬。不会是心结石吧？
58. My heart for you is harder than a diamond. It’s not a heart stone, is it?
59、哥是文明人，所有脏话均已使用唾液消毒。
59. I’m a civilized person; all dirty words have been disinfected with saliva.
60、系好安全带，前方也许有场爱情正等着你。
60. Fasten your seatbelt, as there might be a love waiting for you ahead.
61、小明：“爸爸我是不是傻孩子啊？”爸爸：“傻孩子，你怎么会是傻孩子呢？”
61. Xiao Ming: “Dad, am I a silly child?” Dad: “Silly child, how could you be a silly child?”
62、和你分手，因为，你连牵手都不配！
62. I broke up with you because you don’t even deserve to hold hands!
63、有一天小三哭了，因为出现了小四！
63. One day, the mistress cried because the fourth lover appeared!
64、三鹿奶粉，后妈的选择。
64. Sanlu milk powder, the choice of a stepmother.
65、走人民币的路，让人民无路可走！
65. Take the path of the Renminbi and leave the people with nowhere to go!
66、做男人的最高境界不是你去泡妞，而是让妞来泡你。
66. The ultimate achievement of being a man is not to chase girls, but to have them chase you.
67、要有多大的身躯，才能撑起您那龌龊的灵魂啊！
67. How big of a body do you need to support your filthy soul?
68、你不能当饭吃，但没有你，我吃不下饭。
68. You can’t be eaten as food, but without you, I can’t eat.
69、你发神经的时候，就像猪上树一样让人吃惊。
69. When you go crazy, it’s as surprising as a pig climbing a tree.
70、话说动物园有一只猴子，奇丑无比，人见人吐！第二天我去看了，我吐了！第三天你去了，猴子吐了！
70. There was a monkey in the zoo so ugly that everyone who saw it would vomit! The next day, I went to see it and I vomited! The third day, you went and the monkey vomited!
71、人生就像一块破铜烂铁，把它扔进火里，敲敲打打，也能炼出一副精品！
71. Life is like a piece of scrap metal; throw it into the fire, hammer it, and you can still create a masterpiece.
72、完美的男友：不吸烟，不喝酒，不欺骗。不存在！
72. The perfect boyfriend: doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t lie. He doesn’t exist!
73、你住在我心里，你交房租了吗？
73. You live in my heart, have you paid the rent?
74、体育老师说：谁敢穿裙子上我的课，就罚她倒立！
74. The PE teacher said: Whoever dares to wear a skirt in my class will be punished by standing on their hands!
75、最尴尬的莫过于和女友去民政局登记，工作人员竟是前女友。
75. The most embarrassing thing is to go to the civil affairs bureau with your girlfriend to register, and the staff member is your ex-girlfriend.
76、不喜欢我，我就把你阉了做我妹。
76. If you don’t like me, I’ll castrate you and make you my sister.
77、我站在你的城府里大声叫到：哎哟！满深的啊！
77. I stood in your cunning trap and shouted: “Ouch! It’s so deep!”
78、知道高晓松为啥喝醉酒不？那是因为药家鑫想让他唱一首“同牢的你”。
78. Do you know why Gao Xiaosong got drunk? It’s because Yao Jiaxin wanted him to sing a song called “You in the Same Prison”.
79、今天MM的生日，为了第一个送上祝福，凌晨我准时拿起手机发了一条信息：沙发。
79. Today is MM’s birthday, and in order to be the first to send my blessings, I picked up my phone at midnight and sent a message: “Sofa.”
80、靠山吃山，靠水吃水，今天抢劫，不许不给，谁要反抗，让他见鬼。
80. Live off the mountain if you have one, live off the water if you have some; today, I’m robbing and no one is allowed to resist. Whoever dares to fight back will meet the devil.
81、昨天是历史，今天是开始，明天谁都不好使！
81. Yesterday is history, today is a beginning, and tomorrow is uncertain for everyone!
82、这个世界，没有那么多单纯的如果，不爱就是不爱了。
82. In this world, there aren’t so many simple “ifs”; if someone doesn’t love you, they just don’t.
83、我这人没啥优点，就是受表扬能力特强！
83. I don’t have many strengths, but I excel at receiving praise!
84、以为自己长得漂亮又怎样，老娘不屑，最终还不是当别人情妇。
84. What’s the point of thinking you’re beautiful? I disdain it, and in the end, you still become someone’s mistress.
85、趁我还爱你，你可不可以不要错过我？
85. While I still love you, can you please not miss me?
86、你的态度决定我的态度，你若对我沉默，我也只好对你冷漠。
86. Your attitude determines my attitude; if you’re silent with me, I’ll have no choice but to be indifferent towards you.
87、别站在你的角度看我，我怕那你看不懂。
87. Don’t look at me from your perspective; I’m afraid you won’t understand.
88、姐不需要谁爱我，更不需要谁疼我，姐会狠狠疼爱自己。
88. I don’t need anyone to love or pamper me; I’ll take good care of myself.
89、分手多没意思，有本事咱俩玩离婚！
89. Breaking up is so boring; if you have the guts, let’s play with divorce!
90、吉尼斯纪录：全世界最大的茶几面积为960万平方千米，可放置13亿杯具。
90. Guinness Record: The world’s largest tea table has an area of 9.6 million square kilometers, enough to hold 1.3 billion cups of drama.
91、第三者不是后来的那个，而是不被深爱的那个。
91. The third party isn’t the one who comes later, but the one who isn’t deeply loved.
92、世界上最郁闷的事莫过于踩到自己拉的粑粑。
92. The most frustrating thing in the world is stepping on your own poop.
93、眉毛上的汗水，眉毛下的泪水，你总得选一样。
93. The sweat on your eyebrows or the tears beneath them; you have to choose one.
94、广告就是告诉别人，他的钱还可以这么花。
94. Advertising is about telling others how they can spend their money.
95、在学校是拿钱混日子，现在是拿日子混钱！
95. In school, you spend money to waste time; now, you spend time to make money!
96、男：山外青山楼外楼，恋爱婚姻都自由。女：万水千山只等闲，还不赶快去赚钱。
96. Boy: “Beyond the mountains, there are more mountains, and beyond the buildings, there are more buildings; love and marriage are both free.” Girl: “Countless rivers and mountains are just a casual wait; hurry up and go make money.”
97、好友谈恋爱两个月，网名改成”蓝色”。最近我才知道，蓝色直译为中文叫”不撸”。
97. My friend has been dating for two months and changed their online nickname to “Blue.” Recently, I found out that “Blue” literally translates to “No Masturbation” in Chinese.
98、你们现在谈恋爱已经晚了，大学就应该全身心读书。这个问题。应该初中高中就解决了。
98. It’s too late for you guys to fall in love now; you should have focused on studying in college. This issue should have been resolved in junior and high school.
99、人生就像一场旅行，在乎的不是目的地。而是沿途的“NB”，以及对付“NB”时的心情！
99. Life is like a journey; it’s not about the destination, but the “NB” along the way and the attitude when dealing with “NB.”
100、站在岁月的岸边，向自己的过往打个水漂吧。
100. Standing on the shore of time, throw a stone at your past.
1、天没降大任于我，照样苦我心志，劳我筋骨。
1. Though heaven has not bestowed a great mission upon me, it still torments my mind and exhausts my body.
2、心情不好的时候，我就半夜给别人打骚扰电话，把他们吵醒了，我就睡觉。
2. When I’m in a bad mood, I make prank calls in the middle of the night and wake people up, then I go to sleep.
3、我这人从不记仇，一般有仇我当场就报了。
3. I never hold grudges; I usually take revenge on the spot.
4、我的兴趣爱好可分为静态和动态两种，静态就是睡觉，动态就是翻身…
4. My hobbies can be divided into two types: static, which is sleeping, and dynamic, which is turning over…
5、每个人出生的时候都是原创，很可惜，很多人渐渐成了盗版。
5. Every person is born as an original, but unfortunately, many have gradually become counterfeit.
6、什么叫成熟，你妈没逼你，你就穿上秋裤了。什么叫青春，你妈逼着你，你还是不穿秋裤。
6. What is maturity? It’s when you put on your long johns without your mom nagging you. What is youth? It’s when your mom forces you, but you still refuse to wear long johns.
7、我哪是什么朴实，节俭，会过日子的人，我只是单纯的穷而已。
7. I’m not really simple, frugal, or good at living; I’m just plain poor.
8、待你长发及腰，我便开启双刀，十字斩加暴走，长发全带走！
8. When your long hair reaches your waist, I will unsheathe my twin blades and unleash a cross slash and rage, taking all your hair with me!
9、蚊子不可恶，可恶的是唐伯虎忘了给我们点蚊香。
9. Mosquitoes are not the worst; the worst is that Tang Bohu forgot to light mosquito incense for us.
10、粗腿女生羡慕嫉妒各种小细腿，不管他是男是女。
10. Thick-thighed girls envy and resent all those with slim legs, regardless of gender.
11、抱着滚烫的正在充电的手机，并且把生死置之度外，这是我人生中少有的英勇时分。
11. Holding a hot, charging phone in my hand, disregarding life and death, is one of the few brave moments in my life.
12、在白雪公主身旁的不一定是小矮人，也可能是葫芦娃。
12. Being by Snow White’s side doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a dwarf; it could also be a gourd kid.
13、哇，你长得这么好看是哪家名门之后啊？你爹是天蓬元帅吧
13. Wow, you look so good; you must come from a prestigious family. Is your father Marshal Tian Peng?
14、过去那些以为过不去的坎，你会慢慢的发现，原来只怪自己腿短…
14. Those obstacles you thought you couldn’t overcome, you’ll slowly find out, it was just because your legs were too short…
15、希望大家不要做一个抠门的人，因为，门会烂的！
15. I hope everyone doesn’t become a stingy person, because the door will rot!
16、没用了，我已经生气了，启动毁灭人类计划A，吃光所有食物。
16. It’s no use, I’m already angry. I’m initiating Plan A for the destruction of humanity: eating all the food.
17、你所有被人称道的美丽，都有PS的痕迹。
17. All the beauty you’re praised for has traces of Photoshop.
18、嘿，小样！说你胖你还喘上勒。
18. Hey, you little thing! You’re getting even more out of breath when people say you’re fat.
19、天空呢，其实是无色的。它并没有欺骗你、你只是自己的眼睛欺骗了自己。
19. The sky, actually, is colorless. It’s not deceiving you; your own eyes are deceiving you.
20、这么不要脸，这么没心没肺，你的体重应该会很轻吧。
20. You’re so shameless and heartless; your weight should be very light, right?
21、每天一定要有一个很重要的时刻，是用来发呆的。
21. Every day must have a very important moment, which is used for daydreaming.
22、面对流氓，我就是文人。面对文人，我就是流氓。
22. Facing hooligans, I am a literary person. Facing literary people, I am a hooligan.
23、大长腿你不用弯腰我不用长高，因为我会蹦跶。
23. With your long legs, you don’t need to bend down and I don’t need to grow taller, because I can bounce around.
24、提问：为什么暑假一定比寒假长?回答：因为热胀冷缩。
24. Question: Why is summer vacation always longer than winter vacation? Answer: Because of thermal expansion and contraction.
25、像我这样放个屁都会吓一跳的人，你们怎么舍得对我凶巴巴啊。
25. How can you bear to be fierce to me when I’m the kind of person who gets scared by my own fart?
26、一直坚信自己会瘦的，现在只是胖着玩玩而已。可惜玩着玩着就玩嗨了…
26. I’ve always believed that I will be thin, and now I’m just playing at being fat. Unfortunately, I’ve gotten carried away with the game…
27、我特么这么热爱数学，你竟只给我一个写名字的权利！
27. I love math so much, and you only give me the right to write my name!
28、今天就要上学了，国庆假期结束了，希望自己能收收心，调整心态，准备过年。
28. Today, school starts and the National Day holiday is over. I hope I can focus, adjust my mindset, and get ready for the New Year.
29、蓝瘦，香菇，本来今颠高高兴兴，泥为什莫要说这种话？
29. Blue and thin, I was so happy today, why did you have to say such words?
30、早上刚一起床，就有一股睡午觉的冲动。
30. As soon as I get up in the morning, I have an urge to take a nap.
31、很多人一开始为了梦想而忙，后来忙得忘了梦想。
31. Many people start out busy for their dreams, but later they get so busy that they forget their dreams.
32、枯藤老树昏鸦，小桥流水人家。学校饭菜涨价，同学饿成瘦马。夕阳西下，妈妈我要回家。
32. Withered vines, old trees, crows at dusk, small bridges, flowing water, and people’s homes. School cafeteria prices have risen, and my classmates have become skinny horses. As the sun sets in the west, mom, I want to go home.
33、为了不辜负今天这样的好天气，来篮球场了，打篮球的特别多，果然捡了不少矿泉水瓶。
33. In order not to waste such a beautiful day, I came to the basketball court. There are many people playing basketball, and I’ve collected quite a few mineral water bottles.
34、匿名功能是用来表白的，不要用来跟我玩猜猜我是谁。
34. The anonymous function is for confessing love, not for playing “guess who I am” with me.
35、一起放屁的朋友可能要在一起一辈子。
35. Friends who fart together may have to be together for a lifetime.
36、找不到被子长短边的时候，感觉整个人在做印度甩饼。
36. When I can’t find the long and short sides of the quilt, I feel like I’m making an Indian pancake.
37、听说女生上辈子造的孽越多，今世的胸就越大。
37. I heard that the more sins a girl committed in her previous life, the bigger her chest will be in this life.
38、我长不高的原因大概是因为一直在迷你。
38. The reason I don’t grow tall is probably because I’ve always been short.
39、我的灵魂在唱歌在跳舞，只是肉体赖在床上。
39. My soul is singing and dancing, but my body just lies in bed.
40、我有八十多种小辣条，现在考虑跟我做朋友还来得及。
40. I have more than 80 kinds of spicy snacks, and it’s still time to consider being friends with me.
41、好不容易习惯了自己的长相，理个发又换了一种丑法。
41. I’ve finally gotten used to my own appearance, but a haircut changed my ugliness again.
42、听成绩时一定要用右耳，因为左耳靠近心脏，可能会猝死。
42. When listening to your grades, use your right ear because the left ear is closer to your heart, and you might die suddenly.
43、只要你要，只要我有，不管什么，老子都不会给你。
43. If you want it and I have it, no matter what, I won’t give it to you.
44、大家好像都去谈恋爱了，留我一人独自建设社会主义。
44. It seems like everyone has gone to fall in love, leaving me alone to build socialism.
45、我说我比较喜欢李白的诗，陆游气坏了，然后我家就没法上网了。
45. I said I prefer Li Bai’s poetry, Lu You got angry, and then my home lost its internet connection.
46、为什么要谈恋爱？是手机不好玩？还是风油精不好用？
46. Why bother with love? Is the phone not fun to play with? Or is the wind oil not good enough?
47、说起自己的梦想时双眼发亮，我想成为这样的人。
47. When talking about one’s dreams, their eyes shine brightly. I want to be like that.
48、我喜欢你，像你妈打你，不讲道理。
48. I like you, like your mom hitting you, without any reason.
49、已经开始研究开学第一天，怎样走进教室比较帅。
49. I’ve already started researching how to enter the classroom more handsomely on the first day of school.
50、骑驴把歌颂，不是秃子头发总是会失光的。
50. Praising while riding a donkey, not a bald man’s hair will always fade away.
51、我能吃不代表我是吃货，只能说说明我好养。
51. Just because I can eat doesn’t mean I’m a foodie; it just means I’m easy to please.
52、长得好看的人才有青春，像我们这种人就只有大学了。
52. Good-looking people have youth; people like us only have college.
53、现在的梦想决定着你的将来，所以还是再睡一会吧。
53. Your current dreams determine your future, so why not sleep a little longer?
54、每次语文课上，要回答问题时，全班总是一片死寂。
54. Every time in Chinese class, when it’s time to answer questions, the whole class falls silent.
55、不理你怎么了，别担心，还有我，我也懒得理你。
55. Don’t worry about being ignored; even I’m too lazy to pay attention to you.
56、这日子太无聊了，一点点风吹，我就想草动。
56. These days are so boring that a little breeze makes me want to move like grass.
57、我贱癌入骨，医生说是晚期，没得救了。
57. I’m terminally ill with “cheapness cancer,” and the doctor says there’s no cure.
58、别做混世大魔王了，做我的小王八吧。
58. Stop being a chaos demon king; be my little turtle instead.
59、我会一直喜欢你，直到数学满分。
59. I will always like you until I get a full mark in math.
60、今天什么都不想做，只想安静地帅上一天。
60. Today, I don’t want to do anything, just quietly be handsome for the whole day.
61、不想养狗，也不想养猫，想养你，毕竟养猪致富。
61. I don’t want to raise a dog, nor a cat; I want to raise you, after all, raising pigs can make a fortune.
62、一白遮三丑，一高遮五丑，一瘦遮七丑，一富遮百丑，一胖毁所有！
62. Fair skin covers three flaws, height covers five flaws, thinness covers seven flaws, wealth covers a hundred flaws, but being fat ruins everything!
63、古九尾狐狸有九命，分别亡于语数外政史地理化生。
63. The ancient nine-tailed fox had nine lives, each died from language, math, foreign languages, politics, history, geography, chemistry, and biology.
64、先定个小目标，比方说今年先嫁张继科。
64. Let’s set a small goal first, for example, to marry Zhang Jike this year.
65、现在你补作业时流的泪，就是你浪的时候脑子进的水。
65. The tears you shed while catching up on homework now are the result of the water that entered your brain when you were fooling around.
66、你脸那么大，一定是这个世界上最给我面子的人。
66. Your face is so big; you must be the person who gives me the most face in this world.
67、上帝是很公平的，他让你过了光棍节，就不会让你过情人节！
67. God is fair; if He lets you celebrate Singles’ Day, He won’t let you celebrate Valentine’s Day!
68、用实践证明，混不好发誓不回去了。
68. Practice proves that if you can’t do well, you swear not to go back.
69、做作业，做一夜，坐一夜，做一页。
69. Do homework, spend a whole night, sit for a whole night, and finish one page.
70、钱包，你怎么了钱包，回答我钱包，你怎么又瘦了，醒醒丫。
70. Wallet, what’s wrong with you, wallet? Answer me, wallet, why have you become so thin again? Wake up!
71、给我订两张去天庭的机票、我要去找月老谈谈。
71. Book two tickets to the heavenly palace for me; I want to talk to the Matchmaker.
72、人家有的是背景儿，我有的只是背影儿。
72. Others have backgrounds, but I only have a silhouette.
73、你不想接我电话就直说，别老让中国移动帮你说对不起。
73. If you don’t want to answer my call, just say it directly; don’t always let China Mobile apologize for you.
74、为了当年你那句保重，这么多年我一直没瘦。
74. For your words “take care” back then, I haven’t lost weight all these years.
75、自拍这种东西：三分天注定，七分靠滤镜。
75. Selfies: 30% is predestined, 70% depends on the filter.
76、小时候关灯，总是要以180迈的速度冲上床！
76. When I was a child, turning off the lights meant rushing to bed at 180 miles per hour!
77、如果有来生，我一定要成为神经，因为我走了你就得脑残。
77. If there is an afterlife, I must become a nerve because if I leave, you will become mentally disabled.
78、那些迈不过去的坎儿，都是因为你腿短！
78. The obstacles you can’t overcome are all because of your short legs!
79、请不要说我黑，那是为了暗中保护你。
79. Please don’t say I’m dark; it’s to protect you in the dark.
80、渐渐的，你们都去了不同的城市，朕的心腹遍布全世界，兴复帝国指日可待啊。
80. Gradually, you all went to different cities; my confidants are spread all over the world, and the revival of the empire is imminent.
81、蠢是会传染的，你们别靠近我，我机智。
81. Foolishness is contagious, so stay away from me, I’m witty.
82、大姨妈就像灰太狼，走的时候总会喊上一句，我一定会回来的。
82. Aunt Flo is like Grey Wolf, always shouting “I’ll be back” when she leaves.
83、对你这么好，才不是喜欢你，因为前生你可能是我的宠物猪。
83. I’m only nice to you because you might have been my pet pig in a previous life, not because I like you.
84、早上闹钟开始发狂，被子突然抱住我，枕头给我唱安眠曲，然后我就睡着了。
84. In the morning, the alarm clock goes crazy, the quilt suddenly hugs me, and the pillow sings a lullaby to me, so I fall asleep again.
85、每次手机卡时就狂按home键，就像在给手机做心肺复苏。
85. Every time my phone freezes, I press the home button frantically, like performing CPR on the phone.
86、我生气的时候一定要哄我，买吃的给我，等老子吃饱了打死你。
86. When I’m angry, you must coax me, buy me food, and once I’m full, I’ll beat you to death.
87、当你生活不顺心的时候，不要慌；看看你的钱包和存款，哭出来就好了。
87. When life is not going well, don’t panic; just take a look at your wallet and savings, and you’ll cry.
88、王子拿着落下来的43码的水晶鞋，陷入沉思了。
88. The prince held the fallen size 43 crystal shoe and fell into deep thought.
89、人生就像斗地主，刚还是一伙的，一转眼就是敌人。
89. Life is like playing Landlord, one moment you’re on the same team, and the next moment, you’re enemies.
90、左手拿着书，右手拿着打火机，哪里不会点哪里！
90. Left hand holding a book, right hand holding a lighter, point where you don’t understand!
91、当年考完英语听力，悟出一个道理：有些话，只说给懂的人听。
91. After taking the English listening test, I realized a truth: some words are only spoken to those who understand.
92、我喜欢白天，因为白天能作白日梦。
92. I like daytime because I can daydream.
93、自打我学会了顶嘴，我老婆也学会了磨刀。
93. Ever since I learned to talk back, my wife also learned how to sharpen the knife.
294、今天起大早去上课，刚进教室，老师笑着对我说稀客呀，当时我就傻了。
94. I woke up early today to go to class, and as soon as I entered the classroom, the teacher smiled and said, “Rare guest!” I was stunned.
95、你们最好选择在中午秀恩爱，知道为什么吗？因为早晚会有报应。
95. You’d better show affection at noon, do you know why? Because sooner or later, there will be retribution.
96、复习的小船说翻就翻，睡觉的欲望说来就来。
96. The revision boat capsizes easily, and the desire to sleep comes suddenly.
97、我常在海边，却不喜欢海，而是喜欢浪。
97. I often go to the seaside, but I don’t like the sea; instead, I like the waves.
98、饿着肚子睡觉，数羊。一只、两只、三只、四只、五串、六串……
98. Going to bed hungry, counting sheep. One, two, three, four, five skewers, six skewers…
99、“岁月磨平了我的棱角。”“明明是胖了还不承认！”
99. “Time has worn down my edges.” “You’re just getting fat and don’t want to admit it!”
100、摸摸自己的胸，嗯，我还小我是宝宝。
100. Touch your chest, yes, I’m still young, I’m a baby.
1、日照香芦升子烟，李白来到烤鸭店，口水直流三千尺，一模兜里没有钱。
1. The sun shines on the fragrant reed, and Li Bai comes to the roast duck shop; his mouth waters for three thousand feet, but he has no money in his pocket.
2、我想当皇帝，怕罗嗦；想当官，怕事多；想吃饭，怕刷锅；真想揍你一顿，怕惹祸。
2. I want to be an emperor, but I’m afraid of being talkative; I want to be an official, but I’m afraid of having too much work; I want to eat, but I’m afraid of washing the pot; I really want to beat you up, but I’m afraid it will cause trouble.
3、男人忽悠女人，叫调戏；女人忽悠男人，叫勾引；男女相互忽悠，叫爱情。
3. When men deceive women, it’s called flirting; when women deceive men, it’s called seducing; when men and women deceive each other, it’s called love.
4、人生没有彩排，每天都是直播；不仅收视率低，而且工资不高。
4. There is no rehearsal in life, every day is a live broadcast; not only is the rating low, but the salary is also low.
5、哪里跌倒，哪里爬起。老是在那里跌倒，我怀疑那里有个坑！
5. If you fall, get up where you fell. If you keep falling in the same place, I suspect there’s a pit there!
6、我不是广场上算卦的，唠不出那么多你爱听的嗑。
6. I’m not a fortune teller in the square, and I can’t chatter as much as you like to hear.
7、坏人需要实力，败类更需要品位。
7. Villains need strength, and the despicable need taste even more.
8、时间是用来流浪的，身躯是用来相爱的，生命是用来遗忘的，而灵魂，是用来歌唱的。
8. Time is for wandering, bodies are for loving, lives are for forgetting, and souls are for singing.
9、种草不让人去躺，不如改种仙人掌！
9. If you plant grass and don’t let people lie on it, it’s better to plant cactus instead!
10、混社会是个体力活儿，讲究四门功课：闪转腾挪。
10. Mixing in society is a physically demanding job, focusing on four skills: dodging, turning, leaping, and moving.
11、每当冲锋号响起，我就赶紧躲进壕沟里，因为：我是卧底！
11. Every time the charge bugle sounds, I quickly hide in the trench because: I’m an undercover agent!
12、就你这个样子，这个年龄，已经跌破发行价了。
12. With your appearance and age, you have already dropped below the issue price.
13、你走你的过街天桥，我过我的地下通道。
13. You take your overpass, and I’ll take my underground passage.
14、当年考完英语听力，悟出一个道理：有些话，只说给懂的人听。
14. After taking the English listening test, I realized a truth: some words are only spoken to those who understand.
15、之前有个姑娘问我借钱去整容，整的挺成功，我再也认不出是谁问我借钱了。
15. A girl once asked me for money to get plastic surgery. It was quite successful, and I can no longer recognize who asked me for the money.
16、我痛恨这个看脸的世界，让我不知道哪个人才是真正的爱我。
16. I hate this world that values appearances, making me unsure who truly loves me.
17、别人都是笑起来很好看，但是你却不一样，你是看起来很好笑。
17. Most people look good when they laugh, but you are different; you look funny just by being yourself.
18、有些孩子，老幻想自己是公主，我就不一样，我是王子。
18. Some kids always fantasize about being princesses, but I’m not like them; I’m a prince.
19、路边一个卖西瓜的小贩在吆喝着不熟不要钱，我走过去看了看他，的确不认识，拿起两个西瓜走了。
19. A watermelon vendor on the roadside was shouting that if the watermelons were not ripe, they would be free. I went over and looked at him, and indeed, I didn’t recognize him, so I took two watermelons and left.
20、“矮是什么感觉？”“明明想瞪人的，硬生生成了卖萌。”
20. “What’s it like to be short?” “When you want to glare at someone, it turns into being cute instead.”
21、你走了，我很痛苦，以后放的屁只有我一个人闻了。
21. You left, and I’m in pain. Now I have to smell my own farts all by myself.
22、别夸我，真的，尤其别夸我帅，我怕我受不了，这辈子都要跟你走。
22. Don’t praise me, seriously, especially not for my good looks. I’m afraid I won’t be able to bear it and will have to follow you for the rest of my life.
23、用室友手机搜东西，看见搜索历史中有一条——如何强奸室友？当时脸都吓绿了！
23. I used my roommate’s phone to search for something and saw a search history entry that said, “How to rape a roommate?” My face turned green with fear!
24、嘴上污的人，一般都是在掩盖内心的正直。
24. People who talk dirty usually cover up their inner integrity.
25、什么叫成熟，你妈没逼你，你就穿上秋裤了。什么叫青春，你妈逼着你，你还是不穿秋裤。
25. What is maturity? It’s when your mom doesn’t have to force you to wear thermal pants, but you put them on anyway. What is youth? It’s when your mom forces you to wear thermal pants, but you still refuse to wear them.
26、年轻人不要老想着天上会掉馅饼，要脚踏实地，也许地上会捡到钱呢？
26. Young people shouldn’t always think that the sky will drop pies. Be down-to-earth; maybe you’ll find money on the ground.
27、年纪轻轻，体重倒是不轻。余额不多，想买的倒是不少。
27. At a young age, I’m not light in weight. I don’t have much in my account, but I want to buy a lot.
28、可以触摸的痛苦是什么？就是我觉得肚子都饿扁了，一摸还是有一坨肉。
28. What is touchable pain? It’s when I feel like my stomach is flattened from hunger, but when I touch it, there’s still a lump of fat.
29、明天愚人节，老师说要上课，我越想越不得劲，“不行！不能去上课！”
29. Tomorrow is April Fool’s Day, and the teacher said we have to attend class. The more I think about it, the more uneasy I feel. “No way! I can’t go to class!”
30、长大了要嫁给唐僧，能玩就玩，不能玩就把他吃掉。
30. When I grow up, I want to marry Tang Seng, play with him if possible, and eat him if not.
31、暑假前信誓旦旦的说我要减肥，暑假后没瘦还胖了！
31. Before the summer vacation, I vowed to lose weight, but after the vacation, I didn’t lose weight; instead, I gained more.
32、小时候我很纠结是上清华还是北大、现在看来我多想了。
32. When I was a child, I was torn between going to Tsinghua or Peking University, but now it seems I thought too much.
33、听说看武打片能减肥，因为里面经常说，你快受（瘦）死吧！
33. I heard that watching martial arts films can help lose weight because they often say, “You’re going to die (get thin) from suffering!”
34、我不骂人，因为我动手能力比较强。
34. I don’t curse at people because my hands-on ability is relatively strong.
35、如果我是僵尸，我一定择吃掉所有好学生的脑。
35. If I were a zombie, I would definitely choose to eat the brains of all the good students.
36、等哥有钱了，买两套房子，送他们拆一套，自己住一套！
36. When I get rich, I’ll buy two houses, give them one to demolish, and live in the other myself.
37、我有一个篮球梦，梦里我已登巅峰。
37. I have a basketball dream, and in my dream, I’ve already reached the peak.
38、被抢走的东西就要用心抢回来，然后用力扔出去。
38. If something is taken away from you, fight to get it back and then throw it away with all your strength.
39、你不爱我，我也不稀罕你的爱，拿着你的爱离我远一点。
39. If you don’t love me, I don’t care about your love. Take your love away from me.
40、我也不知道怎么形容现在这种感觉，反正就是，不想活了。除非你亲我一下。
40. I don’t know how to describe this feeling, but anyway, I don’t want to live anymore. Unless you give me a kiss.
41、你说走就走，从未顾虑过我的感受，见你第一眼就知道，你是一条难养的狗。
41. You leave without a second thought, never considering my feelings. From the first glance, I knew you were a difficult dog to raise.
42、一直在找一个叫厉的人，我想为我哥哥报仇，因为，厉害了我的哥！
42. I’ve been searching for someone named Li, for I want to avenge my brother, because he’s awesome!
43、强迫症就是：睡觉前必须上个厕所，如果去过厕所后再玩手机，那一会睡觉还要再去一趟。
43. Obsessive-compulsive disorder is: having to go to the bathroom before going to sleep, and if you use your phone after going to the bathroom, you’ll have to go again before sleeping.
44、年纪轻轻，体重倒是不轻。余额不多，想买的倒是不少。
44. At such a young age, I’m not light in weight. With not much balance, yet I want to buy so many things.
45、每年夏天晒黑了，我总是会想“没事，冬天就修复好了。
45. Every summer when I get tanned, I always think, “No worries, it will be fixed by winter.”
46、什么是安全感？就是做完题，有学霸和你念出了一样的答案。
46. What is a sense of security? It’s when you finish a question and an academic bully reads out the same answer as you.
47、世界上最远的距离不是天涯和海角，而是老师在讲第四章，学霸在自学第八章，而我在看目录！
47. The longest distance in the world is not the ends of the earth and the corners of the sea, but the teacher is lecturing on Chapter 4, the academic bully is self-studying Chapter 8, and I’m just reading the table of contents!
48、冬天，脚在被窝里每伸向一块新地方，都是一场探险。
48. In winter, every time my foot reaches a new spot in the quilt, it’s an adventure.
49、为什么我的眼里常含泪水，因为我他妈困得要死。
49. Why are there always tears in my eyes? Because I’m so damn sleepy.
50、一醉汉不慎从三楼掉下，引来路人围观，一警察过来:发生什么事？醉汉：不清楚，我也是刚到！
50. A drunk man accidentally falls from the third floor, attracting a crowd. A policeman comes over and asks: What happened? Drunk man: I’m not sure, I just got here too!
51、承诺就像女人说要减肥一样，经常说却很难做到，一切都是假的话。
51. Promises are like women saying they want to lose weight; they often say it but find it hard to do, and everything is just fake.
52、假如我是神笔马良的话，我会画一个井，把你放进去，再画个盖子。
52. If I were the magical Ma Liang, I would draw a well, put you in it, and then draw a lid.
53、所有不想当方丈的神父，一定不是好道长！
53. All priests who don’t want to be abbots are definitely not good Taoist priests!
54、你不拿我当回事，对不起，我也没把你当人看，我告诉你，别把我逼到这份上。
54. If you don’t take me seriously, I’m sorry, I don’t treat you like a human either. I tell you, don’t push me to this point.
55、天若有情天亦老，动我兄弟全部放倒！
55. If heaven has feelings, it will grow old too; anyone who messes with my brother will be taken down!
56、别说煽情的话，待会儿酒瓶一砸咱俩各回各家。
56. Don’t say sentimental words; once the bottle is smashed, we’ll go our separate ways.
57、身后空无一人，嚣张是我本性。
57. With no one behind me, arrogance is my nature.
58、像你这种人，在我导演的连续剧里，我最多能让你活两集。
58. With people like you, in the TV series I direct, I’d only let you live for two episodes at most.
59、最近比较烦、比较烦烦烦烦！无聊的世界苍天，请赐我一死我睡觉去安静一下！
59. Lately, I’m quite annoyed, so annoyed! Boring world and heaven, please grant me death so I can sleep and be at peace!
60、你这么爱说风凉话，莫非你是风油精和清凉油生出来的？
60. You love to say cold-hearted words so much; could it be that you’re born from Wind Oil Essence and Cooling Oil?
61、又到了这个尴尬的季节，一个穿短袖的和一个穿棉袄的擦肩而过，互相在心底都说了句傻逼。
61. It’s that awkward season again when someone in short sleeves and someone in a cotton jacket pass by each other, secretly calling each other idiots in their hearts.
62、我妈问我怎么在卫生间那么久不洗澡，我没敢告诉她，我路过镜子时被自己迷住了。
62. My mom asked why I was in the bathroom for so long without taking a shower. I didn’t dare tell her that I was captivated by my own reflection when I passed the mirror.
63、我喜欢你就像我喜欢海，可我也不能去跳海，我可以去上海。
63. I like you just like how I like the sea, but I can’t jump into the sea; I can go to Shanghai.
64、你总是，间歇性踌躇满志，持续性混吃等死，筹谋一天，躺尸一年。
64. You always have intermittent enthusiasm, persistent procrastination, plan for a day, and lay around for a year.
65、亲爱的，你可得一定要相信我啊，我连坐船都头晕，更何况是脚踏两只船呢。
65. Honey, you must believe me. I get dizzy on a boat, let alone dating two people at the same time.
66、麻麻说：我叛逆期怎么整她，她更年期就怎么整我。
66. Mom said: “If I’m going to mess with her during her rebellious phase, she’ll mess with me during my menopausal years.”
67、描述一下你上课的模样，从脊椎动物变成无脊椎动物最后变成软体动物。
67. Describe your appearance in class: from a vertebrate to an invertebrate, and finally to a mollusk.
68、公布成绩的那一刻最容易得心脏病。
68. The moment when grades are announced is the most heart-attack-prone.
69、人家手牵手，我牵我的狗，看谁不爽咬一口。
69. While others hold hands, I hold my dog and bite anyone who annoys me.
70、如果我是一位公主，我会拯救一只青蛙，可我遇到的全是癞蛤蟆。
70. If I were a princess, I would save a frog, but all I’ve encountered are toads.
71、邀请女生出来玩失败有两个原因，一是她懒得洗头，二是你的邀请不值得她洗头。
71. There are two reasons for failing to invite a girl out: either she’s too lazy to wash her hair, or your invitation isn’t worth it.
72、穷耐克，富阿迪，流氓一身阿玛尼。
72. Poor wear Nike, rich wear Adidas, thugs wear Armani.
73、老子下个学期好好学习，虐爆那些名次排在我前面的人。
73. I’ll study hard next semester and outperform those who rank above me.
74、题不一定要会做，但是翻卷声音一定要响。
74. It’s not necessary to know how to solve a problem, but the sound of flipping the test paper must be loud.
75、情若能自控，我一定会按捺住我那颗吃货的心。
75. If I could control my emotions, I would definitely suppress my foodie heart.
76、据说这就是吃货狂吃时的状态：嘴里很享受，心里很想瘦。
76. This is reportedly the state of a foodie binge-eating: enjoying the taste while secretly wishing to be thin.
77、对你这么好，才不是喜欢你，因为前生你可能是我的宠物猪。
77. I treat you so well, not because I like you, but maybe you were my pet pig in a previous life.
78、老师说上课不可以吃零食，还好今天我带的是火锅。
78. The teacher said no snacking in class, but luckily, I brought hot pot today.
79、有人说我不要脸，这简直胡扯，这么帅我哪舍得不要。
79. Someone said I have no shame, which is nonsense. How could I bear to give up my handsome face?
80、把屁都存起来，到时候全部捐给那些对我不满的人。
80. I’ll save all my farts and donate them to those who are dissatisfied with me.
81、这么大冷天里，这么大冷天里，单身狗可能会升级为汪汪碎冰冰。
81. In such a cold day, a single dog might upgrade to a broken ice cream.
82、我上了床就和野兽一样，具体来说像考拉，一睡就是18个小时。
82. Once I get into bed, I become like a wild animal, specifically a koala, sleeping for 18 hours.
83、蚊子你有手有脚的，为什么不找份工作正正当当地生活。
83. You have hands and feet, mosquito. Why don’t you find a job and live a decent life?
84、我哪是什么朴实，节俭，会过日子的人，我只是单纯的穷而已。
84. I’m not really simple, frugal, or good at living; I’m just plain poor.
85、以后不要说什么蓝瘦香菇，那是南方人才说的，北方人要有自己的个性。鳖蛆，想蚝。
85. Don’t say “blue thin mushroom” anymore; that’s what people from the south say. People from the north should have their own personality. Turtle snail, think oyster.
86、世界上最虐心的事等了七十多秒广告之后发现这集看过了。
86. The most heartbreaking thing in the world is waiting for more than 70 seconds of ads only to find out you’ve already seen this episode.
87、蠢是会传染的你们别靠近我，我机智。
87. Foolishness is contagious, so stay away from me, for I am clever.
88、世界上有两种东西会趴玻璃，一个是壁虎，一个是班主任
88. There are two things in the world that crawl on glass: one is a gecko, and the other is a head teacher.
89、以后别问我有没有对象了，我们神仙跟凡人谈恋爱是违背天条的。
89. Don’t ask me if I have a partner anymore. It’s against the heavenly rules for us immortals to date mortals.
90、看到同学在照镜子总会插一句话：照妖镜。
90. Whenever I see classmates looking in the mirror, I always add a comment: “Mirror of demons.”
91、90后的你有著一颗80后的心和一张70后的脸。
91. If you have a heart from the ‘80s and a face from the ‘70s, you must be from the ‘90s.
92、戒烟了，再抽真就腾云驾雾了！
92. I quit smoking; otherwise, I’ll really be able to ride the clouds and fog!
93、因为我怕黑!所以我从小学习成绩就不好!”“和怕黑有什么关系”因为不敢看黑板。
93. “I’ve had poor academic performance since I was a child because I’m afraid of the dark!” “What does that have to do with being afraid of the dark?” I didn’t dare look at the blackboard.
94、我说我比较喜欢李白的诗，陆游气坏了，然后我家就没法上网了。
94. I said I prefer Li Bai’s poems, and Lu You got angry, so my internet connection was lost.
95、失足少女，终于找回自己的脚。
95. A wayward girl has finally found her own feet.
96、心狠手辣的我，舔了一下自己的手指，被辣哭了。
96. As a ruthless person, I licked my own finger and cried because it was spicy.
97、老师的教诲，小明没齿难忘，于是第二天，他镶了一副假牙。
97. The teachings of the teacher left a deep impression on Xiao Ming, so the next day, he got a set of false teeth.
98、原本想一口一口吃掉忧愁，不料却一口一口吃成胖子。
98. I wanted to eat my worries away one bite at a time, but instead, I became a fat person one bite at a time.
99、敢诅咒我吃方便面没有调味料，我诅咒你吃方便面只有调味料。
99. If you dare to curse me for having no seasoning in my instant noodles, I’ll curse you to have only seasoning in yours.
100、为什么一看书，就困呢？因为书，是梦开始的地方。
100. Why do I feel sleepy when reading a book? Because a book is where dreams begin.
1、中分看鼻子，齐刘海看脸型，斜刘海看气质，无刘海看五官，我适合蒙面！
1. A straight fringe accentuates the nose, a full fringe the face shape, a side fringe the temperament, and no fringe the facial features; I’m suited to wearing a mask!
2、当初我看上你，因为我脑子进水了，现在我脑子抖干了。
2. I took a liking to you because my brain was soaked, now my brain has dried out.
3、征婚启事：要求如下，A活的，B女的。
3. Marriage wanted ad: Requirements are as follows, A. alive, B. female.
4、在街上看美女，目光高一点就是欣赏，目光低一点就是流氓。
4. When looking at beautiful women on the street, a higher gaze means appreciation, a lower gaze means being a pervert.
5、人生的悲哀就在于，当你想两肋插刀的时候，却只有一把刀。
5. The sorrow of life is that when you want to stab yourself in the ribs for someone, you only have one knife.
6、您复杂的五官，掩饰不了您朴素的智商。
6. Your complex facial features cannot cover up your simple intelligence.
7、总觉得，床吧，铺得太整齐，会有点安度晚年的意思。嗯，还是凌乱些，比较有朝气。
7. I always feel that if the bed is too neatly arranged, it will have a sense of living out one’s twilight years. Well, it’s better to be a bit messy, more spirited.
8、考试时，本想要咸鱼翻锅的，他奶奶的，没想到粘锅了。
8. During the exam, I wanted the salted fish to flip over, but it turned out to be stuck to the pan.
9、没有医保和寿险的，天黑后不要见义勇为。
9. If you don’t have medical insurance and life insurance, don’t act bravely after dark.
10、经常会从梦中惊醒，因为做了一个饿梦，好饿好饿的梦。
10. I often wake up from my dreams because I had a hungry dream, so hungry, such a dream.
11、脸乃身外之物，可要可不要，钱乃必要之物，不得不要。
11. Face is an external thing, can be discarded, money is a necessity, have to have it.
12、好累，想在后脑勺划一刀，然后瘫在地上装储蓄罐。
12. So tired, want to cut a slit in the back of my head, then collapse on the ground pretending to be a piggy bank.
13、你可以不同意我的观点，但我可以打你。
13. You can disagree with my opinion, but I can hit you.
14、黑夜不会亏待晚睡的人，它会赐你黑眼圈。
14. The night won’t treat late sleepers unfairly, it will give you dark circles under your eyes.
15、如果你吃了亏，千万不要喝水，不然你会变污的。
15. If you suffer a loss, don’t drink water, or you’ll become dirty.
16、“人生最大的耻辱是什么？”“作弊了还不及格！”
16. “What is the greatest shame in life?” “Cheating and still failing!”
17、远处看到了一个帅哥，走近一看原来是一面镜子。
17. From afar, I saw a handsome guy, but when I got closer, it turned out to be a mirror.
18、一个班级一个后宫，总有那么几个人在争宠。
18. One class, one harem, there are always a few people vying for favor.
19、我觉得我的数学成绩，很对得起我数学老师的颜值！
19. I think my math scores are worthy of my math teacher’s appearance!
20、当我在大街上摔倒周围人对我笑时，爬起来再摔几次，笑死他们。
20. When I fall on the street and people around me laugh, I’ll get up and fall a few more times to laugh them to death.
21、我以前也是一个瘦子，直到一句话改变了我。你吃啊，吃啊，你又不胖。我就误认为自己真的不胖。
21. I used to be a skinny person until a sentence changed me. “Eat, eat, you’re not fat.” I mistakenly thought I was really not fat.
22、春困，夏倦，秋乏，冬眠，四季如梦叫我怎能认真听讲。
22. Spring drowsiness, summer fatigue, autumn weariness, and winter hibernation; how can I listen attentively when the four seasons are like a dream?
23、但凡是美味的食物，都在对我撒媚眼，忍不住要宠幸。
23. Any delicious food seems to be flirting with me, and I can’t help but indulge in them.
24、待我长发及腰，遮住一身肥膘，纵然虎背熊腰，也要高冷傲娇。
24. When my long hair reaches my waist, covering my chubby body, even with a bear-like figure, I will remain aloof and proud.
25、考试你真坏！伤了我的心不说，还伤我爸妈的心。
25. Exams, you’re so mean! Not only do you hurt my heart, but you also hurt my parents’ hearts.
26、以前化成灰的人都能认得出，现在化个妆就认不出了。
26. I used to recognize people even if they turned to ashes, but now I can’t recognize them just because they wear makeup.
27、不要扶我，我没醉，前面那条路会动，帮我扶住那条路。
27. Don’t help me, I’m not drunk. The road ahead is moving; help me hold it still.
28、什么女追男隔层纱，那简直隔的是撒哈拉大沙漠。
28. What they say about girls chasing boys being like隔着一层纱 (separating by a thin veil) is actually more like隔着撒哈拉大沙漠 (separating by the Sahara Desert).
29、老师，小刚明天要请假，因为他明天可能要病了。
29. Teacher, Xiao Gang needs to ask for leave tomorrow because he might be sick.
30、我这人从不记仇，一般有仇我当场就报了。
30. I’m the kind of person who never holds grudges; I usually take revenge on the spot.
31、我是一个潜力无穷的学生，我可以三小时写完国庆作业，但这他妈是被动技能，只能十月七号晚上启动。
31. I’m a student with boundless potential. I can finish my National Day homework in three hours, but it’s a passive skill that can only be activated on the night of October 7th.
32、你这个孩子怎么不懂事啊？舅舅正在这里，你怎么还会想到要去动物园看狗熊？
32. How can you be so inconsiderate, child? Your uncle is right here, and yet you still think about going to the zoo to see the bear?
33、我的兴趣爱好可分为静态和动态两种，静态就是睡觉，动态就是翻身…
33. My hobbies can be divided into static and dynamic ones: static is sleeping, and dynamic is turning over.
34、不是我心理阴暗啊，我就觉得这个空气污染是那帮口罩生产厂家制造出来的。
34. It’s not that I’m mentally dark, but I think this air pollution is created by those mask manufacturers.
35、上联：学生证准考证身份证证证没带，下联：听力题阅读题作文题题题不做。横批：重在参与。
35. Upper couplet: Student ID, exam admission ticket, ID card - no证件 (no certificates); Lower couplet: Listening, reading, writing questions - no题 (no questions). Horizontal scroll: Focus on participation.
36、一天没带眼镜逛街，看到一个既帅气又熟悉的人。想过去看看到底是谁。原来是一面镜子。
36. One day, I went shopping without my glasses and saw a handsome and familiar person. I wanted to see who it was, but it turned out to be a mirror.
37、嘻嘻和哈哈是一对好朋友，非常要好的朋友。有一天，哈哈死了。嘻嘻很难过，他走到哈哈的坟前说：哈哈，你死了。
37. Xixi and Haha are a pair of good friends, very close friends. One day, Haha died. Xixi was very sad, and he went to Haha’s grave and said, “Haha, you’re dead.”
38、所谓猪一样的室友，应该就是我感冒了，让他回来给我带一盒白加黑，他给我带了一包奥利奥。
38. So-called pig-like roommates, like when I have a cold and ask him to bring me a box of Bai Jia Hei (a Chinese cold medicine) when he comes back, but he brings me a pack of Oreos instead.
39、假如我是神笔马良的话，我会画一个井，把你放进去，再画个盖子。
39. If I were the magical Ma Liang with the divine brush, I would draw a well, put you in it, and then draw a lid.
40、在这个薄情年代，要想别人对你念念不忘，最好的办法就是欠钱不还！
40. In this unfeeling era, the best way to make others remember you is to borrow money and not pay it back!
41、我们只要有一颗自信心，神马都米有鸭梨。
41. As long as we have self-confidence, there is no pressure in life.
42、我的人生一半是倒霉，另一半是处理倒霉的事。
42. Half of my life is bad luck, and the other half is dealing with bad luck.
43、第一笔就起错了的画，只好一路地潦草下去。
43. If the first stroke is wrong, the painting can only be careless all the way.
44、你看，总有那么多的事情让你伤感：阴晴圆缺，悲欢离合，阳痿早泄…
44. Look, there are always so many things that make you feel sad: the changing weather, joys and sorrows, separations and reunions, impotence and premature ejaculation…
45、不要对自己过于自信，能收拾你的人比你能想到的多的多。
45. Don’t be too confident in yourself; there are far more people who can deal with you than you can imagine.
46、黑夜给了我黑色的鼠标，我却用它游戏到天明。
46. The night gave me a black mouse, but I used it to play games until dawn.
47、佛曰：打人用砖乎、求饶，照乎。乎不死再使劲乎。
47. Buddha said: Hit someone with a brick, if they beg for mercy, hit them again. If they don’t die, hit them harder.
48、其实我是故意不长个的，因为我恐高，长太高看着就怕。
48. Actually, I deliberately didn’t grow tall because I’m afraid of heights. If I grow too tall, I’ll be scared just by looking down.
49、单身是一种领悟，恋爱是失误，分手是觉悟，结婚时错误，离婚是醒悟，再婚是执迷不悟，没有情人是废物，情人多了是动物。
49. Being single is an understanding, dating is a mistake, breaking up is an awakening, marriage is a mistake, divorce is an enlightenment, remarriage is stubbornness, having no lover is waste, and having too many lovers is being an animal.
50、要在江湖混，最好是光棍！！
50. To get by in the world, it’s best to be single!
51、我还是很喜欢你，像风油精和辣条，声声不息。
51. I still like you very much, like Wind Oil Essence and spicy strips, never-ending.
52、说真的，我的床上功夫真的很厉害，我可以不吃不喝不上厕所在床上躺睡一天。
52. Seriously, my bed skills are really amazing. I can stay in bed without eating, drinking, or going to the bathroom for a whole day.
53、眉毛少的人没法做朋友，拍个照不让美白，因为一美白她眉毛就不见了。
53. People with few eyebrows can’t be friends; you can’t use beauty filters in photos because their eyebrows will disappear.
54、对于女生，又长了几斤肉并不那么可怕，可怕的是闺密那个贱人竟然又瘦了。
54. For girls, gaining a few pounds is not so terrible; the terrible thing is that your best friend, that bitch, has lost weight again.
55、有时候觉得自己变丑了，拿出身份证一看，发现多虑了。
55. Sometimes I feel like I’ve become ugly, but when I look at my ID card, I find that I was worrying too much.
56、人生就像愤怒的小鸟，当你失败时，总有几只猪在笑。
56. Life is like Angry Birds; when you fail, there are always a few pigs laughing at you.
57、别说世界抛弃了你，世界根本没空搭理你。
57. Don’t say the world has abandoned you; the world just doesn’t have time to pay attention to you.
58、原谅他是上帝的事，我的任务就是送他去见上帝。
58. Forgiving him is God’s job; my task is to send him to meet God.
59、空欢喜就是早上醒来，以为自己长高了，仔细一看，原来是被子盖横了……
59. Empty joy is waking up in the morning, thinking you’ve grown taller, only to find out it’s because the blanket was covering you diagonally…
60、你爸我是草原散养的，饿了吃过蚂蚱，不是所有的鸡都叫时光鸡。
60. Your dad is like a free-range chicken on the grassland; when I was hungry, I ate grasshoppers. Not all chickens are called Time Chicken.
61、你说你愿意和我白头到老，不行，我想黑发飘飘。
61. You say you’re willing to grow old with me, but I’d rather have black hair fluttering in the wind.
62、如果你实在饿了打电话给我，我吃点零食嚼给你听。
62. If you’re really hungry, call me and I’ll eat some snacks and chew for you.
63、太关注我的人，一般只有两种人，一种是暗恋我的，一种是暗算我的。
63. People who pay too much attention to me are generally only two kinds: those who have a crush on me and those who are plotting against me.
64、夜深人静的时候，我常常问自己，当初决定来地球，到底是对是错！
64. In the dead of night, I often ask myself, was it right or wrong to decide to come to Earth?
65、我能想到最浪漫的事，就是看你慢慢变老而我依旧帅气逼人。
65. The most romantic thing I can think of is watching you slowly grow old while I remain handsome.
66、养的小仓鼠生病了，不过没关系，家里有老鼠药，希望它吃过以后能好起来。
66. My pet hamster is sick, but it’s okay, there’s rat poison at home, and I hope it will get better after taking it.
67、可以触摸的痛苦是什么？就是我觉得肚子都饿扁了，一摸还是有一坨肉。
67. What is touchable pain? It’s when I feel my stomach is completely empty, but when I touch it, there’s still a lump of fat.
68、如果有来生，我要当条被子，不是躺在床上就是在晒太阳！
68. If there is an afterlife, I want to be a quilt, either lying on the bed or basking in the sun!
69、那天老师问我为什么上课睡觉，我回了句医生说吃完药就得睡觉。
69. That day, the teacher asked me why I was sleeping in class, and I replied, “The doctor said I have to sleep after taking the medicine.”
70、化学实验课，老师问我：“加钡？不加钡？”我立马喊道：“抢地主！”我觉得老师再也不会爱我了，老师大喊：“我抢！”
70. In chemistry class, the teacher asked me, “Add barium? Not add barium?” I immediately shouted, “Landlord!” I think the teacher will never love me again, and the teacher shouted, “I’ll snatch!”
71、孩子们别怕，谁让你们挂科，我就让谁挂！
71. Don’t be afraid, kids. Whoever makes you fail, I’ll make them fail too!
72、在神经的人群里呆久了，我发现我正常了。
72. After staying in the company of mentally unstable people for so long, I’ve found that I’m normal.
73、我一在强调做人要低调。可你们非要给我掌声和尖叫。
73. I’ve always emphasized the importance of being low-key, but you all insist on giving me applause and screams.
74、不要把自己的伤口揭开给别人看，世界上多的不是医师，多的是撒盐的人。
74. Don’t expose your wounds to others, as there are more people in the world who sprinkle salt rather than doctors.
75、我现在终于解脱了，每次看你的作文我都有一种想要自杀的冲动！
75. I am finally liberated, as every time I read your compositions, I feel an urge to commit suicide!
76、问君能有几多愁，恰似一条秋裤人人有。
76. How much sorrow can one have? It’s like everyone has a pair of long johns.
77、我也会盲打，只是别人盲打不看键盘，而我不看屏幕。
77. I can also type blind, but while others don’t look at the keyboard, I don’t look at the screen.
78、我超能力还有很多，不只是超可爱。
78. I have many superpowers, not just being super cute.
79、每个抖腿的人，心里都有一台缝纫机。
79. Every person who has a shaking leg has a sewing machine in their heart.
80、强迫症就是：睡觉前必须上个厕所，如果去过厕所后再玩手机，那一会睡觉还要再去一趟。
80. Obsessive-compulsive disorder is: you must go to the bathroom before going to bed, and if you use your phone after going to the bathroom, you’ll have to go again before sleeping.
81、如果上帝关掉你的一扇窗顺便也把门堵上了，有可能上帝要开空调了哦。
81. If God closes a window and blocks the door, maybe He’s about to turn on the air conditioner.
82、人终有一死，或死于数学，或亡于物理，或跪于生物，或葬于化学，或纠结于语文，或迷失于英语，或消亡于体育。
82. Everyone will die eventually, either by mathematics, physics, biology, chemistry, Chinese, English, or physical education.
83、以后不要说什么蓝瘦香菇，那是南方人才说的，北方人要有自己的个性。鳖蛆，想蚝。
83. Don’t say “blue thin mushroom” anymore; that’s what people from the south say. Northerners should have their own personality. Snail, think like an oyster.
84、你说走就走，从未顾虑过我的感受，见你第一眼就知道，你是一条难养的狗。
84. You left without considering my feelings. From the first glance, I knew you were a difficult dog to raise.
85、你总是，间歇性踌躇满志，持续性混吃等死，筹谋一天，躺尸一年。
85. You always have intermittent enthusiasm, but a persistent habit of loafing and waiting for death, planning for a day, and lying dead for a year.
86、给自己讲了个晚安故事，情节跌宕起伏扣人心弦，现在入戏太深还在追查凶手没有一点睡意。
86. I told myself a bedtime story, with a thrilling plot that captivated my heart. Now I’m too immersed in the story, investigating the culprit, and unable to sleep.
87、你若军训，便是晴天。你若放假，便是雨天。你若发奋写作业，便是开学前一天！
87. If you have military training, it’s sunny. If you have a holiday, it rains. If you work hard on homework, it’s the day before school starts!
88、老师总是叫我们不要说谎，一到上面来检查时就教我们说谎。
88. Teachers always tell us not to lie, but when someone comes to inspect, they teach us to lie.
89、如果我是僵尸，我一定择吃掉所有好学生的脑。
89. If I were a zombie, I would choose to eat the brains of all the good students.
90、这个夏天出门就是进烤箱、走路就是麻辣烫、坐下就是铁板烧、还是别下雨了、下雨就成水煮鱼。
90. Going out in the summer is like entering an oven, walking is like eating hot pot, sitting is like iron板烧, and it’s better not to rain, or else it becomes boiled fish.
91、如果逃避就能不去面对的话，请送我一双溜冰鞋，让我跑的更快。
91. If escaping could help me avoid facing things, please give me a pair of ice skates to run faster.
92、每一个长期减肥未成功的女子，身边都有一个多年增肥无效的闺蜜。
92. Every woman who has failed to lose weight for a long time has a close friend who has been unsuccessful in gaining weight for years.
93、帅多好啊!有士陪，有相日!有马骑，有车坐。还有兵保护。
93. It’s great to be handsome! With company from scholars, enjoying the sun, riding horses, and having a car to ride in. Plus, soldiers to protect you.
94、自从人晒黑了，脸色好看了，牙齿变白了，喝酒都不脸红了。
94. Ever since I got tanned, my complexion has improved, my teeth look whiter, and I don’t even blush when drinking alcohol.
95、一直对发型不满意的人，有一个共同点：不肯承认这是脸的问题。
95. People who are always dissatisfied with their hairstyles have one thing in common: they refuse to admit it’s a facial issue.
96、永远都不要跟同一个傻子争辩，因为争辩到最后，会分不清谁是傻子。
96. Never argue with the same fool, because in the end, you won’t be able to tell who the fool is.
97、这个世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
97. In this world, I only trust two people: one is me, and the other is not you.
98、午夜12点准时下线!否则，公主就会变回灰姑娘。
98. Log off at midnight! Otherwise, the princess will turn back into Cinderella.
99、不管多大岁数的人类成员，在钱面前，一概年轻。
99. No matter how old a human being is, they are all young in front of money.
100、鸭子太嚣张，兔子太多嘴，我是猪，我很乖。
100. Ducks are too arrogant, rabbits talk too much, I am a pig, and I am well-behaved.
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