1.如果我死了，我的第一句话是：老子终于不用怕鬼了。
1. If I die, my first sentence would be: I’m finally not afraid of ghosts anymore.

2.有事直接奔主题，不要拿你的无知，挑战我的黑名单。
2. Get straight to the point, don’t challenge my blacklist with your ignorance.

3.听君一席话，省我十本书！
3. Listening to your words saves me the effort of reading ten books!

4.生活就像宋祖德的嘴，你永远都不知道下一个倒霉的会是谁。
4. Life is like Song Zude’s mouth; you never know who will be the next victim.

5.学校的智能是：你想干嘛就不让你干嘛。
5. The intelligence of schools is: whatever you want to do, they won’t let you do it.

6.一个人快活，两个人生活，三个人就是你死我活。
6. One person is happy, two people live together, three people means a fight to the death.

7.淡定是因为你不怕死，我比你淡定是因为我不怕你死。
7. Calmness is because you’re not afraid of death; I’m more calm than you because I’m not afraid of your death.

8.最有魅力的人是康师傅，每天都有成千上万的人泡他。
8. The most charming person is Master Kang, with tens of thousands of people “soaking” him every day.

9.人生自古谁无死，早死晚死都得死。
9. Since ancient times, who has not faced death? It’s inevitable whether it comes early or late.

10.跌倒了站起来，换个好看的姿势再倒下去。
10. If you fall, stand up and find a more attractive posture to fall again.

11.老师说过：世上没有后悔药，只有老鼠药。
11. The teacher said: There is no regret medicine in the world, only rat poison.

12.骗子多了、傻子都明显不够用了。
12. With so many liars, fools are clearly not enough to go around.

13.别看姐不美，姐照样把你耍的找不着北。
13. Don’t look at my appearance, I can still play tricks on you and make you lose your way.

14.别人笑我太疯癫，我笑别人斗鸡眼。
14. Others laugh at me for being crazy, while I laugh at their squinted eyes.

15.现在的硕士学位，就像脚底的一粒米，不拿不舒服，拿了又不能吃。
15. Nowadays, a master’s degree is like a grain of rice on the sole of your foot: uncomfortable not to pick up, but useless to eat once picked up.

16.你你你你你，再逼我，我就喂你喝三鹿。
16. You you you you, if you push me again, I’ll make you drink Sanlu milk.

17.别用你的肺说话，说出来的都是废话。
17. Don’t speak with your lungs, all you say is nonsense.

18.女人的皱纹叫苍老，男人的皱纹叫沧桑。
18. A woman’s wrinkles are called aging, a man’s wrinkles are called vicissitudes.

19.此情可待成追忆，只是当时情况比较复杂。
19. This sentiment can be cherished as a memory, only the situation at the time was more complicated.

20.我最大的梦想：能够活着进天堂。
20. My biggest dream: to live and enter heaven.

21.只想优美转身，不料华丽撞墙。
21. I just wanted to turn around gracefully, but I ended up hitting the wall in a grand fashion.

22.做自己想做的事，别的，就让猪乱说去吧。
22. Do what you want to do, and let the pigs gossip as they please.

23.别跟我谈什么不离不弃，姐已经戒了。
23. Don’t talk to me about never leaving or forsaking, I’ve given it up.

24.再发嗲，也改变不了你奔三的年龄和样貌。
24. No matter how cute you act, it won’t change your age and appearance that are approaching thirty.

25.思想品德不及格，总比没思想好。
25. It’s better to fail in moral character than to have no thoughts at all.

26.人生的两大悲剧：一是万念俱灰，一是踌躇满志。
26. The two great tragedies of life: one is despair, the other is overconfidence.

27.黑夜给了我黑色的鼠标，我却用它游戏到天明。
27. The night gave me a black mouse, but I used it to play games until dawn.

28.将错就错，或者将计就计了，反正将就了。
28. Go along with the mistake, or outsmart the situation, either way, just make do.

29.你走你的过街天桥，我过我的地下通道。
29. You go your way over the pedestrian bridge, and I’ll take my underground passage.

30.如果不能美得惊人，那就丑得勾魂吧！
30. If you can’t be stunningly beautiful, then be so ugly that it captivates people’s souls!

31.你若使用美人儿计，我就将计就计。
31. If you use the beauty trick, I’ll play along with it.

32.你就是我心中的那首忐忑，总是让我惊心动魄。
32. You are the忐忑 in my heart, always making me thrilled and excited.

33.不在课堂上沉睡，就在酒桌上埋醉。
33. If not sleeping in class, then get drunk at the drinking table.

34.哥，在哪里跌倒，就在哪里趴着。
34. Bro, if you fall, just lie there.

35.赖床是对周末最起码的尊重。
35. Staying in bed is the最基本的 respect for the weekend.

36.开往地狱的火车，已启程，请勿扰。
36. The train to hell has already departed, please do not disturb.

37.怀才就像怀孕，时间久了才能让人看出来。
37. Talent is like pregnancy, it takes time for others to notice.

38.你是电，李四光，你是唯一的神话。
38. You are electricity, Li Siguang, you are the only myth.

39.法佬说：今天是端午节，我请你们吃粽子，人肉馅儿的，来人呐，上木乃伊。
39. The Frenchman said: Today is the Dragon Boat Festival, I invite you to eat zongzi, with human meat filling. Come on, bring the mummy.

40.服务员，给我一杯奶茶，多放点茶叶，少放点奶。
40. Waiter, give me a cup of milk tea, put more tea leaves, and less milk.

41.小燕子，穿比基尼，飞到东来哦飞到西。
41. Little Swallow, wearing a bikini, flying east and west.

42.有一种感觉比失恋还要痛苦，叫做自作多情。
42. There is a feeling more painful than heartbreak, called self-infatuation.

43.大哥，把你脸上的分辨率调低点好吗？
43. Brother, can you lower the resolution of your face?

44.睡着睡着，就睡出了理想和口水。
44. Sleeping, sleeping, and then you sleep out ideals and drool.

45.姐不是电视机，不要老是盯着姐看。
45. I’m not a TV, don’t stare at me all the time.

46.谁家闺女借我用用，明年还你一大一小。
46. Whose daughter can I borrow for a while, and I’ll return one big and one small next year.

47.我不是骨头，不能让每条狗都追着跑。
47. I’m not a bone, I can’t let every dog chase after me.

48.不要对我放电，因为我这里有来电显示。
48. Don’t send me electric shocks, because I have a call display here.

49.问君能有几多愁，恰似一扎雪花啤酒。
49. How much sorrow can you have, just like a bunch of Snowflake beer.

50.有的人，做面膜的时候，比真人好看多了。
50. Some people look much better when wearing a facial mask than in real life.

51.药不医假病，酒不解真愁。
51. Medicine doesn’t cure fake illnesses, and alcohol doesn’t solve true sorrows.

52.人生就像一次旅行，指不定会在哪翻车。
52. Life is like a journey, you never know where you might have an accident.

53.宁可胖的精致，，也不要瘦的雷同。
53. I’d rather be well-fed and unique, than skinny and ordinary.

54.作为一个吃货，吃东西并不代表我饿了，只是因为嘴巴寂寞了。
54. As a foodie, eating doesn’t mean I’m hungry, it’s just because my mouth is lonely.

55.先别鄙视我，给你个号码牌，先排队，到你的时候再鄙视。
55. Don’t despise me first, here’s a number card, get in line, and I’ll let you despise me when it’s your turn.

56.晚上想想千条路，早上起来走原路。
56. At night, I think of a thousand paths, but when I wake up in the morning, I still follow the same old path.

57.姐从来不抄袭，但没说不复制。
57. I never copy, but I didn’t say I wouldn’t replicate.

58.失败是成功她后妈，看见孩子老失败也不帮她！
58. Failure is success’s stepmother, seeing the child always failing but not helping her!

59.别再逼我，再逼，我就在地上划个圈圈咒诅你被丑女强吻！
59. Don’t push me anymore, if you do, I’ll draw a circle on the ground and curse you to be kissed by an ugly woman!

60.我只为人民币服务，谢谢。
60. I only serve the Chinese yuan, thank you.

61.如果我死了，我的第一句话是：终于不用怕鬼了。
61. If I die, my first sentence would be: Finally, I don’t have to be afraid of ghosts anymore.

62.自从得了精神病，我的精神就好多了！
62. Ever since I got mental illness, my mental state has improved a lot!

63.当你穿上了爱情的婚纱，我也披上了和尚的袈裟……
63. When you put on the wedding dress of love, I also donned the monk’s robe…

64.锻炼肌肉，防止挨揍！
64. Exercise your muscles to prevent getting beaten!

65.如果回帖是一种美德，那我早就成为圣人了。
65. If replying to posts is a virtue, then I have long become a saint.

66.我不是广场上算卦的，唠不出那么多你爱听的嗑。
66. I’m not a fortune teller in the square; I can’t chatter so much about what you like to hear.

67.给我一张床，我可以睡到世界灭亡。
67. Give me a bed, and I can sleep until the end of the world.

68.逃得了和尚，逃不了方丈。
68. You can escape a monk, but you can’t escape the abbot.

69.说的好，说了一大堆，我没怎么听懂。
69. You spoke well, said a lot, but I didn’t quite understand.

70.你问我爱你有多深，我的回答是：淹死你！
70. You ask how deep my love for you is; my answer is: deep enough to drown you!

71.遍寻不着，犹叹当年小蛮腰。空余恨，一身五花膘。
71. Can’t find it everywhere, still sighing for the small waist of the past. Empty hatred, a body of blubber.

72.曾经你是我的天与地，如今四面八方都取代你。
72. Once you were my heaven and earth; now all directions have replaced you.

73.物价与欧洲接轨，房价与月球接轨，工资与非洲接轨。
73. Prices are in line with Europe, housing prices with the moon, and wages with Africa.

74.所谓门槛，过去了是门，过不去则是槛。
74. The so-called threshold: if you pass it, it’s a door; if you don’t, it’s a barrier.

75.我不骂人，因为我动手能力比较强。
75. I don’t curse people because my hands-on ability is relatively strong.

76.开卷和闭卷的不同就在于，一个在上面抄，一个在下面抄。
76. The difference between open-book and closed-book exams is that one copies from above, and the other copies from below.

77.不要总是对我忽冷忽热，那样的话我怕感冒。
77. Don’t always be hot and cold to me; I’m afraid I’ll catch a cold that way.

78.人生自古谁不死，下个就要轮到你。
78. Since ancient times, who hasn’t died? Next, it’s your turn.

79.吃什么鱿鱼丝、墨鱼丝的，给我上点美人鱼丝。
79. What’s the point of eating squid silk or cuttlefish silk? Bring me some mermaid silk.

80.我左手拿叉右手拿刀，把生活慢慢享用。
80. In my left hand, I hold a fork; in my right, a knife. Slowly savor life.

81.别觉得你被世界抛弃了，世界根本就没空搭理你。
81. Don’t feel like the world has abandoned you; the world is too busy to even notice you.

82.人品就这么点，省着点儿花，挥霍是可耻的。
82. Character is limited; spend it wisely, as squandering it is shameful.

83.脸乃身外之物，可要可不要，钱乃必要之物，不得不要。
83. Face is an external thing, dispensable; money is a necessity, indispensable.

84.地理老师问：四大洋分别是那个？我答：喜羊羊美羊羊懒羊羊沸羊羊
84. Geography teacher asks: What are the four oceans? I answer: Pleasant Sheep, Beauty Sheep, Lazy Sheep, and Boiling Sheep.

85.好累，想在后脑勺划一刀，然后瘫在地上装储蓄罐。
85. So tired, I want to cut my back of the head and collapse on the ground pretending to be a piggy bank.

86.爱情就像个响屁，高调的开始，低调的结束。
86. Love is like a loud fart, starting with a bang and ending with a whimper.

87.你就是我心中的那首忐忑，总是让我惊心动魄。
87. You are the忐忑 in my heart, always making my heart race.

88.您复杂的五官，掩饰不了您朴素的智商。
88. Your complex facial features cannot conceal your simple intelligence.

89.人和猪的区别就是：猪一直是猪，而人有时却不是人！
89. The difference between humans and pigs is that pigs are always pigs, while humans are sometimes not human!

90.人家有的是背景，而我有的只是背影。
90. Others have backgrounds, while I only have a silhouette.

91.哪里跌倒，哪里爬起。老是在那里跌倒，我怀疑那里有个坑！
91. If you fall, get up where you fell. If you keep falling there, I suspect there’s a pit!

92.晚自习的时候考试，拿出手机搜答案，突然，老师把灯一关，我……亮了。
92. During evening study, I took out my phone to search for answers during an exam. Suddenly, the teacher turned off the lights, and I… lit up.

93.我曾经跟一个人无数次擦肩而过，衣服都擦破了，也没擦出火花。
93. I once passed by someone countless times, and my clothes were worn out, but no sparks were generated.

94.鲜花往往不属于赏花的人，而属于牛粪。
94. Flowers often don’t belong to those who appreciate them, but to the cow dung.

95.爱情就象鬼，相信的人多，见到的人少。
95. Love is like a ghost; many believe in it, but few have seen it.

96.你穿得很危险，但长得很安全。
96. You dress dangerously, but you look safe.

97.胖子的心声：嘴里很享受，心里很想瘦。
97. Fat people’s inner voice: Enjoying the taste, but longing to be thin.

98.要不是打不过你，早就跟你翻脸了。
98. If I could beat you, I would have turned against you long ago.

99.生时何需久睡，死后自会长眠。
99. There’s no need for long sleep in life; after death, you’ll sleep for a long time.

100.别洗它，要不是这些泥，这破车早就散架了。
100. Don’t wash it; without this mud, this broken car would have fallen apart long ago.
60句让人忍俊不禁的爆笑句子
1. The cat jumped so high, it thought it was a kangaroo. 2. I told my friend I was on a diet, but then I saw a cake and got very confused. 3. My dog thinks he’s a lap dog, but he’s actually the size of a small horse. 4. I tried to be quiet, but my sneeze is louder than a trumpet. 5. I thought I could count my chickens, but there were too many to fit in the room. 6. The duck at the pond was so graceful, it looked like it was dancing on water. 7. I wanted to be a superhero, but then I realized I’m terrified of capes. 8. My fish is so lazy, it’s still in the packaging. 9. The squirrel outside my window is so bold, it steals food right from my plate. 10. I told my friend I was a great cook, but then I accidentally set the kitchen on fire. 11. The cow at the farm was so big, I thought it was a small mountain. 12. I tried to learn yoga, but my body is more like a pretzel. 13. My computer is so slow, it takes a nap every time I blink. 14. The bird at the park sings so beautifully, it makes me want to join a choir. 15. I wanted to be a detective, but then I realized I’m terrible at finding my own keys. 16. The spider in my house is so big, I think it’s planning to move in. 17. I tried to meditate, but my mind is more like a wild horse. 18. The cake at the bakery was so delicious, it made my taste buds dance. 19. I wanted to be a race car driver, but then I realized I’m afraid of speed bumps. 20. The dog at the park was so happy, it looked like it was walking on sunshine. 21. I tried to do a cartwheel, but ended up doing a faceplant instead. 22. The frog at the pond was so loud, it sounded like a lion. 23. My computer is so old, it still uses floppy disks. 24. The flower in my garden is so colorful, it looks like a rainbow. 25. I wanted to be a pirate, but then I realized I’m afraid of the ocean. 26. The cat at the shelter was so fluffy, it looked like a cloud. 27. I tried to do a handstand, but ended up doing a headstand instead. 28. The bird at the feeder was so greedy, it tried to eat the whole bag of seeds. 29. I wanted to be a magician, but then I realized I’m terrible at keeping secrets. 30. The dog at the park was so energetic, it looked like it was powered by batteries. 31. I tried to whistle, but all I got was a sore throat. 32. The cat at the vet was so scared, it tried to hide in the doctor’s coat. 33. My computer is so slow, it takes a vacation every time I leave the room. 34. The flower at the market was so fragrant, it made my nose happy. 35. I wanted to be a pilot, but then I realized I’m afraid of heights. 36. The dog at the park was so playful, it looked like it was having a party by itself. 37. I tried to do a split, but ended up doing a summersault instead. 38. The frog in the pond was so tiny, it looked like a pea. 39. My computer is so outdated, it still uses a dial-up connection. 40. The cake at the party was so soft, it melted in my mouth. 41. I wanted to be a clown, but then I realized I’m terrible at making people laugh. 42. The cat at the fair was so talented, it could play the piano. 43. I tried to juggle, but ended up dropping everything. 44. The bird on the wire was so still, it looked like a statue. 45. I wanted to be a chef, but then I realized I’m terrible at cooking. 46. The dog at the park was so friendly, it made friends with every person it met. 47. I tried to do a backflip, but ended up doing a belly flop instead. 48. The frog in the garden was so green, it blended in with the grass. 49. My computer is so slow, it takes a nap every time I open a new tab. 50. The flower at the festival was so bright, it lit up the night. 51. I wanted to be a detective, but then I realized I’m terrible at solving puzzles. 52. The cat at the show was so elegant, it looked like a model. 53. I tried to do a cartwheel, but ended up doing a faceplant instead. 54.

1.装逼只是瞬间，不要脸才是永恒。
1. Bragging is just a moment, shamelessness is eternal.

2.我掐指一算，发现你命里缺我。
2. With a quick掐指一算 (掐指一算), I realized you lack me in your life.

3.一直对发型不满意的人，有一个共同点：不肯承认这是脸的问题。
3. People who are always dissatisfied with their hairstyles have one thing in common: they refuse to admit it’s an issue with their face.

4.有一种爱叫放手，手放开后，请你快走。
4. There is a kind of love called letting go, and once you let go, please leave quickly.

5.不想叛师的徒弟，都是不成才的徒弟。
5. Disciples who don’t want to betray their master are usually untalented.

6.男人的实力，就是你兜里的人民币。
6. A man’s true strength lies in the amount of Renminbi in his pocket.

7.瞧你这长相，不用化妆就能去演恐怖片了。
7. With your appearance, you could act in a horror movie without even wearing makeup.

8.笨男人+笨女人=结婚；笨男人+聪明女人=离婚；聪明男人+笨女人=婚外情；聪明男人+聪明女人=浪漫爱情。
8. Dumb men + dumb women = marriage; dumb men + smart women = divorce; smart men + dumb women = affairs; smart men + smart women = romantic love.

9.上帝说要有光，我说我反对，于是，世界上有了黑暗。
9. God said there should be light, but I said I’m against it, and so, darkness was created in the world.

10.睡眠是一门艺术，谁也无法阻挡我追求艺术的脚步！
10. Sleeping is an art, and no one can stop me from pursuing artistic endeavors!

11.乞丐：大嫂，我两天没吃饭了，能给点儿蛋糕吗？大嫂：蛋糕？我这儿只有米饭。乞丐：要是平常也就算了，可今天是我的生日！
11. Beggar: Sister, I haven’t eaten in two days. Can you give me some cake? Sister: Cake? All I have here is rice. Beggar: If it were any other day, I’d be fine, but today is my birthday!

12.今天四级听力听得最清楚的一句：现在请监考老师把磁带拿出来翻到B面继续听。
12. The clearest sentence I heard in today’s Level 4 listening test: Now, please ask the proctors to take out the tape and turn it to side B to continue listening.

13.嘻嘻和哈哈是一对好朋友，非常要好的朋友。有一天，哈哈死了，嘻嘻很难过，他走到哈哈的坟前说：“哈哈，你死了。”
13. Hehe and haha were best friends, very close friends. One day, haha died, and hehe was very sad. He went to haha’s grave and said, “Haha, you’re dead.”

14.曾经有个小女孩在楼上对我说：哥哥你好帅啊!我当即回了句：不帅不帅、随便长的。
14. Once a little girl upstairs said to me, “Big brother, you’re so handsome!” I immediately replied, “Not handsome, not handsome, just a random look.”

15.你复杂的五官掩饰不了你朴素的智商！
15. Your complicated facial features can’t hide your simple intelligence!

16.我不喜欢只和一个女人上很多次床，而是喜欢和很多女人只上一次床。
16. I don’t like to sleep with one woman many times; instead, I prefer to sleep with many women just once.

17.不要为旧的悲伤，浪费新的眼泪！
17. Don’t waste new tears for old sorrows!

18.网上自古无娇娘，残花败柳一行行，偶有几对鸳鸯鸟，也是野鸡配色狼。
18. Since ancient times, the internet has had no beautiful maidens, only rows of faded flowers. Occasionally, there are a few pairs of mandarin ducks, but they’re just wild chickens dyed like wolves.

19.当我微笑时，我的笑容充满了诗人般放荡不羁的气质，在这放荡不羁的背后流露着的却是细腻而温暖的情感。当我沉默时，仰首便仿佛唱诗班纯洁的翩翩少女，垂首则像深刻而高雅的贵族。是的，我便是这样一个将各种仿佛不可调和的特质完美地融合在一起的男子。
19. When I smile, my expression is filled with a poet’s unruly temperament, and behind this unruliness lies a delicate and warm emotion. When I’m silent, looking up feels like a pure and innocent choir girl, while looking down resembles a profound and elegant noble. Yes, I am such a man who perfectly blends seemingly incompatible traits together.

20.刚交的gf跟我才确定一周的关系就要和我分手，就因为我没读过奥克塔维奥帕斯的书和博尔赫斯的诗
20. The girlfriend I just started dating for a week wants to break up with me, just because I haven’t read the books of Octavio Paz and the poems of Borges.

21.前20年我们吃饭，睡觉，玩乐，享受生活；接下来的40年为养家糊口疲于奔命；而最后的10年呢，每天蹲在门口，和过往的行人打着招呼。
21. In the first 20 years, we eat, sleep, have fun, and enjoy life; in the next 40 years, we work tirelessly to support our families; and in the last 10 years, we sit at the doorstep every day, greeting passers-by.

22.我太纯洁了，我纯洁的都有些无耻了！
22. I’m so innocent, I’m so innocent it’s almost shameless!

23.谢谢你，谢你大爷，谢你全家，谢你祖宗十八代！
23. Thank you, thank your uncle, thank your whole family, thank your ancestors for 18 generations!

24.等我有钱了，我就买一辆公交车，专门走公交专用车道，专门停在公交车站，等有人想上车了，我就说：对不起，这是私家车。
24. When I’m rich, I’ll buy a bus, drive in the bus-only lanes, stop at bus stops, and when someone wants to get on, I’ll say: Sorry, this is a private car.

25.在公交车上，一个孕妇站在一个坐在凳子的年青男人前面，孕妇对他说:”难道你不知道我怀孕了吗?”那男的说:”对不起，这孩子不会是我的吧?”
25. On the bus, a pregnant woman stands in front of a young man sitting on a stool. The pregnant woman says to him: “Don’t you know I’m pregnant?” The man replies: “Sorry, but it can’t be my child, can it?”

26.没有女人的日子里，我以调戏男人为乐。
26. Without women in my life, I take pleasure in teasing men.

27.你当我是个风筝，要不把我放了，要不然收好带回家，别用一条看不见的情思拴着我，让我心伤。
27. You treat me like a kite, either let me go or take me home, don’t tie me up with an invisible thread of affection, it breaks my heart.

28.年轻的时候，我们常常冲着镜子做鬼脸；年老的时候，镜子算是扯平了。
28. When we were young, we often made faces at the mirror; when we’re old, the mirror makes faces back at us.

29.谁说我白，瘦，漂亮~我就跟他做好朋友~
29. If anyone says I’m white, thin, and beautiful, I’ll be their best friend~

30.人又不聪明，还学人家秃顶！
30. I’m not even smart, yet I’m going bald like someone else!

31.烧香的不一定是和尚，还可能是熊猫！
31. Not all incense burners are monks; some could be pandas!

32.你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气是在受不了啊。
32. You might as well let me kneel on a washboard, I can’t stand kneeling in front of an electric heater.

33.清华大学又名“青蛙大学”——当你边吃包子边说时…
33. Tsinghua University is also known as “Frog University” - when you say it while eating a bun…

34.有钱的都是大爷!但是欠钱不还的更是!
34. Rich people are the bosses! But those who owe money and don’t pay back are even more so!

35.帅有个屁用！到头来还不是被卒吃掉！
35. Being handsome is useless! In the end, you’re still eaten by a pawn!

36.最受不了这样的商家——牌子上写道：拆迁，给钱就卖！一件羽绒服我甩给她5块她就是不卖，太欺诈消费者了！
36. I can’t stand such merchants - their sign reads: “Demolition, sell for money!” I offer her 5 yuan for a down jacket, but she won’t sell, it’s so deceptive to consumers!

37.银行收费时说：“这符合国际惯例。”服务时却说：“要考虑中国国情。”
37. Banks say, “This complies with international practices” when charging fees, but say, “We must consider China’s national conditions” when providing services.

38.再过几十年，我们来相会，送到火葬场，全部烧成灰，你一堆，我一堆，谁也不认识谁，全部送到农村做化肥。
38. In a few decades, when we meet again, we’ll be sent to the crematorium, all burned to ashes, you in one pile, me in another, no one recognizing anyone, all sent to the countryside as fertilizer.

39.如果多吃鱼可以让人变聪明的话，那么我肯定至少吃过一对鲸鱼……
39. If eating more fish can make people smarter, then I must have eaten at least a pair of whales…

40.天哪！我的衣服又瘦了。
40. Oh my God! My clothes are getting smaller again.

41.树不要皮，必死无疑；人不要脸，天下无敌。
41. A tree without bark is doomed; a person without shame is invincible.

42.你的眼睛眨一下，我就死去，你的眼睛再眨一下，我就活过来，你的眼睛不停地眨来眨去，于是我便死去活来！
42. When you blink, I die; when you blink again, I come back to life; as your eyes keep blinking, I’m dying and coming back to life!

43.猎人发现一只猪，举起猎枪打死了猪，猎人走近猪，猪却起来了，知道为什么？猜不到？猪也正纳闷呢。
43. A hunter found a pig, raised his shotgun and killed it. When the hunter approached the pig, it got up. Wondering why? The pig is puzzled too.

44.猪的四大愿望：四周栅栏都倒掉，天上纷纷掉饲料。天下屠夫都死掉，世界人民信佛教。
44. The four wishes of a pig: The fences around collapse, food falls from the sky, all butchers die, and people around the world believe in Buddhism.

45.主持人问：猫是否会爬树？老鹰抢答：会！主持人：举例说明！老鹰含泪：那年，我睡熟了，猫爬上了树…后来就有了猫头鹰…
45. The host asked: Can cats climb trees? The eagle replied: Yes! The host: Give an example! The eagle, with tears in its eyes: That year, I fell asleep, and the cat climbed the tree… and later there were owls.

46.什么是骄傲？牛唄！什么是谦虚？装呗！什么是勤俭？抠呗！什么是奉献？傻呗！什么是聪明？吹呗！什么是靓哥？你呗！呵呵，祝你开心！
46. What is pride? Boastfulness! What is modesty? Pretending! What is frugality? Stinginess! What is dedication? Foolishness! What is intelligence? Bragging! What is a handsome guy? You! Hehe, wish you happiness!

47.某家养一猫，烦！将其抛之，然猫认家，几次弃之均自回。一日男驾车再弃猫，当晚致电其妻：猫又回家了吗？妻曰：回来了！男吼：叫丫接电话，老子迷路了。
47. A man had a cat and got annoyed. He threw it away, but the cat returned home. After several attempts, the man drove and abandoned the cat again. He called his wife that night: Has the cat come back? The wife said: Yes! The man shouted: Tell the cat to answer the phone, I’m lost.

48.蚂蚁和大象结婚了，可是没几天大象就死了，蚂蚁非常伤心，一边哭一边骂到：亲爱的，你怎么走在我前面了呢，这辈子我他妈不用干别的了，就埋你。
48. An ant married an elephant, but the elephant died after a few days. The ant was very sad, crying and cursing: Honey, how could you leave me first? I won’t have to do anything else in my life, just bury you.

49.我以为我很颓废，今天我才知道，原来我早报废了。
49. I thought I was decadent, but today I found out that I was already scrapped.

50.惹气了我，我把地图吃了，这叫气吞山河。
50. If you anger me, I’ll eat the map, which is called swallowing mountains and rivers.

51.叶子的离去，是树的不挽留，还是风的追求？
51. The leaves leave, is it the tree’s reluctance to let go, or the wind’s pursuit?

52.写什么写，就是写了你会信么？什么？你真信，你怎么那么幼稚啊！
52. What are you writing? Would you believe it even if I wrote it? What? You really believe it? How naive you are!

53.瞎子点灯，或许不是一种愚蠢，亦或是一种智慧，甚至气度……
53. A blind man lights a lamp, which may not be foolishness, but wisdom or even magnanimity…

54.我故意学习，故意工作，故意生活，故意活得像个人！
54. I deliberately study, deliberately work, deliberately live, and deliberately live like a human being!

55.穿别人的鞋，走自己的路，让他们找去吧。
55. Wear other people’s shoes and walk your own path, let them search for you.

56.金刚是脑袋被门夹了的笨蛋；你见过椰子树长香蕉么？
56. King Kong is a fool with a door-squeezed head; have you ever seen a coconut tree bearing bananas?

57.你不能让所有人满意，因为不是所有人都是人。
57. You can’t satisfy everyone because not everyone is human.

58.男人在不懂的时候装懂，女人则恰好相反。
58. Men pretend to understand when they don’t, while women do the opposite.

59.你的人生，总结起来就八个字儿——生的荒唐，死的窝囊……
59. Your life can be summed up in eight words - born absurdly, die miserably…

60.哥们儿，瞧你这IQ……是加利敦（家里蹲）大学物理（屋里）系的吧？
60. Buddy, looking at your IQ… you must be from the Physics Department of Galiton (stay-at-home) University, right?

调侃人生的幽默搞笑句子
1. 人生就像一场戏，我们都是演员，只不过有的演得好，有的演得差。 Life is like a play, we are all actors, it’s just that some perform well, while others don’t. 2. 有时候，人生就像一杯苦咖啡，需要加点糖才能品味出甜美。 Sometimes, life is like a cup of bitter coffee, which needs some sugar to taste the sweetness. 3. 人生就像一场马拉松，不在乎速度，只在乎坚持到底。 Life is like a marathon, it’s not about the speed, but about persistence till the end. 4. 有时候，人生就像一场游戏，输赢并不重要，重要的是参与的过程。 Sometimes, life is like a game, winning or losing is not important, what matters is the process of participation. 5. 人生就像一本书，每个章节都有不同的故事，我们需要慢慢去阅读和体会。 Life is like a book, each chapter has a different story, we need to read and experience it slowly. 6. 有时候，人生就像一场梦，当你醒来时，才发现一切都是那么的虚幻。 Sometimes, life is like a dream, when you wake up, you realize that everything is so illusory. 7. 人生就像一场旅行，不在乎目的地，只在乎沿途的风景。 Life is like a journey, it’s not about the destination, but about the scenery along the way. 8. 有时候，人生就像一场考试，我们需要不断学习，才能应对各种挑战。 Sometimes, life is like an exam, we need to keep learning in order to deal with various challenges. 9. 人生就像一场战斗，只有勇敢面对，才能赢得胜利。 Life is like a battle, only by facing it bravely can we win. 10. 有时候，人生就像一部电影，有欢笑，有泪水，有感动，也有遗憾。 Sometimes, life is like a movie, with laughter, tears, touching moments, and regrets.

1.通往成功的路，总是在施工中！
1. The road to success is always under construction!

2.有你我废寝忘食，没有你我茶饭不思，有你心有所系，没有你患得患失，有你我全心全意，没有你无所事事，可恶的游戏。
2. With you, I can’t sleep or eat; without you, I lose my appetite. With you, my heart is at peace; without you, I’m constantly worried. With you, I give my all; without you, I’m idle. That damn game!

3.您复杂的五官，掩饰不了您朴素的智商。
3. Your complex facial features can’t hide your simple intelligence.

4.我只是胖着玩玩，哪像你丑的那么认真！
4. I’m just fat for fun, unlike you who take being ugly so seriously!

5.真正的吃货敢于直面粗壮的大腿。
5. A true foodie dares to face their thick thighs.

6.遇到他整个人都变了，脸皮两颗子弹也穿不透。
6. Meeting him changed my whole self, and my face is so thick that even two bullets can’t penetrate it.

7.生前何必久睡，死后自会长眠。
7. There’s no need to sleep long before death; you’ll sleep long enough afterward.

8.出来混，老婆迟早是要换的！
8. When you’re out in the world, your wife will eventually be replaced!

9.不吃饱，哪有力气减肥？
9. If I don’t eat enough, how can I have the strength to lose weight?

10.如果有来生，我一定要成为神经，因为我走了你就得脑残。
10. If there’s an afterlife, I must become a nerve because if I leave, you’ll go brainless.

11.那些迈不过去的坎儿，都是因为你腿短！
11. The obstacles you can’t overcome are all because of your short legs!

12.请不要说我黑，那是为了暗中保护你。
12. Please don’t say I’m black; it’s to protect you in the dark.

13.午觉这种东西，果然还是趴在学校桌子上睡得香。
13. Napping is best enjoyed on a school desk.

14.请大声朗读：卧梅又闻花，卧枝伤恨低。邀闻卧石碎，卧湿达春绿。
14. Please read out loud: A plum blossom smells the flower, a branch hurts the low hate. Invite the sound of broken stones, and the wet green of spring.

15.不给我买零食就别来打扰我，宝宝的时间很珍贵。
15. Don’t bother me if you’re not buying me snacks; my time is precious.

16.因为早上和被窝分手，现在被窝对我十分冰冷。
16. Since I broke up with my warm bed this morning, it’s now cold and unresponsive to me.

17.有时候喝一点酒，借着冷冷的月光总翻来覆去想不明白，我为什么要下凡？
17. Sometimes, after having a drink, I can’t figure out by the cold moonlight why I descended to the mortal world.

18.不要扁着嘴，我会很想要咬上去，因为实在太像一根烤肠了。
18. Don’t pout; I’ll want to bite you because you look so much like a grilled sausage.

19.收到了快递不会再急着拆开，我想我学会了矜持。
19. I’ve learned to be reserved; I no longer rush to open my packages upon receiving them.

20.你像捧在手心里的挚爱，掌心一合，不憋死你才怪…
20. You’re like the beloved treasure cradled in my palm; when I close my hand, it’s strange if you don’t suffocate…

21.每天都要和床撕逼，通常都是我输了。
21. Every day, I have to wrestle with my bed, and usually I lose.

22.每次跟别人吵完架，等躺在床上的时候，才知道当时应该怎么骂。
22. After arguing with someone, I only realize how I should have cursed them when lying in bed.

23.我好像对纸过敏，每次做作业都难受。
23. I think I’m allergic to paper, as I feel uncomfortable every time I do homework.

24.他不理你怎么了，别担心，还有我，我也懒得理你。
24. Don’t worry about him ignoring you; I’m here too, and I’m too lazy to pay attention to you.

25.自从放了假，每天洗脸这件事，再也跟我无关。
25. Since the holiday started, washing my face has become irrelevant to me.

26.我家电脑什么都慢，就死机快。
26. My home computer is slow at everything except crashing.

27.作业君，宫玲已毁，断念已残，今日你我恩断义决。
27. Homework, the palace has been destroyed, and my determination is broken; today, we sever our ties.

28.别说你是单身狗，狗到你这个年龄已经死了。
28. Don’t say you’re a single dog; by your age, the dog would have already died.

29.每天都看着不同口味的安眠药在讲台上走来走去。
29. Every day, I watch different types of sleeping pills walk around the podium.

30.我常在海边，却不喜欢海，而是喜欢浪。
30. I often go to the seaside, but I don’t like the sea; instead, I like the waves.

31.饿着肚子睡觉，数羊。一只、两只、三只、四只、五串、六串……
31. Going to bed hungry and counting sheep. One, two, three, four, five skewers, six skewers…

32.“岁月磨平了我的棱角。”“明明是胖了还不承认！”
32. “Time has worn down my edges.” “You’re just fat and won’t admit it!”

33.摸摸自己的胸，嗯，我还小我是宝宝。
33. Touch my chest; yeah, I’m still young, I’m a baby.

34.所谓成长，就是在听到“波涛汹涌”四个字，再也联想不到大海了。
34. The so-called growth is when you hear the words “turbulent waves” and can no longer think of the ocean.

35.其实我小时候并不胖，真的，一句“不许剩饭”毁了我的一生。
35. I wasn’t actually fat when I was a child; truly, the phrase “no leftovers” ruined my life.

36.做人一定要昂首挺胸，这样别人才看不见你的双下巴。
36. One must always hold their head high and chest out, so others can’t see your double chin.

37.单身的男的叫单身狗，单身的女的叫狗不理。
37. Single men are called single dogs; single women are called dogs that ignore.

38.你就像移动的磁铁，动不动将我排斥，也不忘把我吸引。
38. You’re like a moving magnet, repelling me from time to time, but never forgetting to attract me.

39.我已经掌握种藏私房钱的方式，接下来只差钱了。
39. I’ve already mastered the ways to hide private money; now, I just need the money.

40.曾以为是那崖畔的一枝花，后来才知道，不过是人海一粒渣！
40. I once thought I was a flower on the cliff, but later I realized I’m just a speck in the crowd!

41.我从不怀疑你是美女，我只是怀疑我的审美。
41. I never doubted that you are a beauty, I just doubted my own taste.

42.坚强点，失败也是成功的一部分，在哪里跌倒，就在哪里讹人。
42. Be strong, failure is a part of success. Fall where you may, and scam someone there.

43.睡觉这种东西，果然还是趴在学校桌子上睡得香。
43. Sleeping on a school desk is indeed the most comfortable way to sleep.

44.一个班级一个后宫，总有那么几个人在争宠。
44. One class is like a harem, there are always a few people competing for favor.

45.我觉得我的数学成绩，很对得起我数学老师的颜值！
45. I think my math grade is well-deserved for my math teacher’s appearance!

46.兄台，别逼我动用在北京的势力，我本不想掀起一场腥风血雨。
46. Brother, don’t force me to use my influence in Beijing. I didn’t want to cause a storm.

47.你看着我冷萌冷萌地就好，不要因为得不到我就打我。
47. Just look at me with a cold and cute expression, don’t hit me just because you can’t get me.

48.以前化成灰的人都能认得出，现在化个妆就认不出了。
48. I used to recognize people even if they turned to ashes, but now I can’t recognize them just because they put on makeup.

49.不要扶我，我没醉，前面那条路会动，帮我扶住那条路。
49. Don’t help me, I’m not drunk. The road ahead is moving. Help me hold it still.

50.什么女追男隔层纱，那简直隔的是撒哈拉大沙漠。
50. What they say about girls chasing boys being like隔着 a thin veil is wrong; it’s more like隔着 the Sahara Desert.

51.自打我学会了顶嘴，我老婆也学会了磨刀。
51. Ever since I learned to talk back, my wife also learned how to sharpen a knife.

52.今天起大早去上课，刚进教室，老师笑着对我说稀客呀，当时我就傻了。
52. I went to class early today. As soon as I entered the classroom, the teacher smiled and said, “Rare guest!” I was stunned.

53.你们最好选择在中午秀恩爱，知道为什么吗？因为早晚会有报应。
53. You’d better show affection at noon, do you know why? Because sooner or later, there will be retribution.

54.复习的小船说翻就翻，睡觉的欲望说来就来。
54. The little boat of reviewing can capsize at any time, and the desire to sleep comes instantly.

55.跟我要儿童节礼物，我可以给，但过几天的父亲节你们就要注意了。
55. If you ask me for a Children’s Day gift, I can give it, but be careful for Father’s Day in a few days.

56.我表白的方式一向简单粗暴，有时间一起睡觉。
56. My way of confessing love is always simple and direct: let’s sleep together sometime.

57.爱笑的女生一般运气都不会太差，一般都是成绩差。
57. Girls who love to laugh generally don’t have bad luck, but their grades are usually poor.

58.只暖一个女生的男生才叫暖男，暖所有女生的男生叫烧锅炉。
58. A guy who warms only one girl is called a warm man, while one who warms all girls is called a boiler stoker.

59.如果你想灌倒我，长的好看的一杯倒，长的丑的豁出命去我也让你见识见识什么叫千杯不醉。
59. If you want to get me drunk, I’ll fall with just one drink if you’re good-looking. If you’re ugly, I’ll risk my life to show you what it means to be a thousand-cup drunkard.

60.抱着滚烫的正在充电的手机，并且把生死置之度外，这是我人生中少有的英勇时分。
60. Holding a hot, charging phone and disregarding life and death is one of the few brave moments in my life.

61.问君能有几多愁，恰似一条秋裤人人有。
61. Ask you how much sorrow there can be, just like everyone has a pair of autumn pants.

62.我也会盲打，只是别人盲打不看键盘，而我不看屏幕。
62. I can type blindly too, only others don’t look at the keyboard, while I don’t look at the screen.

63.我超能力还有很多，不只是超可爱。
63. I have many superpowers, not just super cuteness.

64.每个抖腿的人，心里都有一台缝纫机。
64. Everyone who shakes their legs has a sewing machine in their heart.

65.你可以不同意我的观点，但我可以打你。
65. You can disagree with my opinion, but I can hit you.

66.黑夜不会亏待晚睡的人，它会赐你黑眼圈。
66. The night won’t treat late sleepers unfairly, it will give you dark circles.

67.如果你吃了亏，千万不要喝水，不然你会变污的。
67. If you’ve suffered a loss, never drink water, or else you’ll become dirty.

68.“人生最大的耻辱是什么？”“作弊了还不及格！”
68. “What is the greatest shame in life?” “Cheating and still failing!”

69.远处看到了一个帅哥，走近一看原来是一面镜子。
69. From afar, I saw a handsome guy, but when I got closer, it was just a mirror.

70.韩国的后裔是用来撩妹的，中国的后羿是用来射太阳的。
70. Descendants of Korea are for flirting with girls, while descendants of Hou Yi in China are for shooting the sun.

71.征婚启事：要求如下，A活的，B女的。
71. Marriage ad: Requirements are as follows, A. alive, B. female.

72.读年语文，不如聊半年QQ。
72. Studying Chinese literature for a year is not as good as chatting on QQ for half a year.

73.老鼠一发威，大家都是病猫。
73. When a mouse gets angry, everyone becomes a sick cat.

74.我想早恋，但是已经晚了……
74. I wanted to fall in love early, but it’s already too late…

75.爱情就象鬼，相信的人多，见到的人少。
75. Love is like a ghost, believed by many, seen by few.

76.人和猪的区别就是：猪一直是猪，而人有时却不是人！
76. The difference between humans and pigs is that pigs are always pigs, while sometimes people are not human!

77.春天不洗澡，处处蚊子咬。也来鬼尖叫，吓得你要跑。
77. If you don’t bathe in spring, mosquitoes will bite you everywhere. Ghosts will scream, scaring you to run away.

78.打是亲，骂是爱，爱到极深用脚踹。
78. Hitting is a sign of closeness, scolding is a sign of love, and when love is deep, you kick with your foot.

79.你所追求的对象已经有对象，别气馁，总会有分的那天。
79. The person you pursue already has a partner, don’t be discouraged, there will always be a day when they break up.

80.你都好意思撒谎了，我哪好意思不信呐。
80. If you have the nerve to lie, how can I not have the nerve to believe you?

81.工资就像大姨妈，一个月来一次，一星期就没了。
81. Salary is like a period, it comes once a month and disappears within a week.

82.和一个人擦肩而过，衣服都擦破了，也没擦出火花。
82. I brushed past someone, and my clothes were worn out, but no sparks were created.

83.宅，是一种很不稳定的状态。只要一停电，就会退化成山顶洞人。
83. Being a shut-in is a very unstable state. Once the power goes out, it退化s into a caveman.

84.没什么事不要找我，有事更不用找我！
84. Don’t look for me when there’s nothing, and especially not when there’s something!

85.哥吸烟、是因为它伤肺，不伤心。
85. I smoke because it hurts my lungs, not my heart.

86.骑白马的不一定是王子，可能是唐僧；有翅膀的不一定是天使，也可能是鸟人！
86. The one riding a white horse may not be a prince, but Tang Seng; the one with wings may not be an angel, but a birdman!

87.悟空，不要变得这么残暴，交给为师，让为师骑马撞死她。
87. Wukong, don’t be so brutal. Leave it to me, and let me ride a horse to knock her down.

88.我的精神分裂已经治好了，现在我和我都很好。
88. My schizophrenia has been cured, and now both of us are doing well.

89.生活是多么的广阔，作业是那么的多。
89. Life is so vast, and homework is so abundant.

90.我想我应该去减肥了，上次献血的时候，居然流出了一百毫升的猪油。
90. I think I should go on a diet. Last time I donated blood, it turned out to be 100 milliliters of pork fat.

91.你是金子我是煤，你会发光我会发热。别把我惹火了，小心我把你融化了。
91. You are gold, and I am coal. You shine, and I generate heat. Don’t provoke me, or I’ll melt you.

92.生活真他妈好玩，因为生活老他妈玩我。
92. Life is really fun because it keeps messing with me.

93.我不是看不起你，而是压根就懒得理你。
93. It’s not that I look down on you, but I’m just too lazy to pay attention to you.

94.两人若在长久时，大眼瞪小眼也是浪漫事。
94. If two people are together for a long time, even staring at each other’s eyes can be romantic.

95.黄瓜在于拍，人生在于嗨。
95. The essence of cucumber lies in slapping it, and the essence of life lies in having fun.

96.总觉得，床吧，铺得太整齐，会有点安度晚年的意思。嗯，还是凌乱些，比较有朝气。
96. I always feel that if the bed is too neatly made, it will have a sense of spending one’s twilight years in peace. Well, it’s better to be a bit messy, which is more energetic.

97.姐不是广场上算卦的，唠不出那么多你爱听的嗑。
97. I’m not a fortune teller in the square, so I can’t chat as much as you’d like to hear.

98.如果朋友可以出卖，每个值五块的话，我也能发笔小财了。
98. If I could sell my friends, and each was worth five bucks, I could make a small fortune.

99.走投无路还走什么走，直接坐车啊。
99. If you’re out of options, why walk when you can just take a car?

100.踏遍青楼人未老，请用汇仁肾宝。
100. After visiting all the brothels, one remains young; please use Huiren Kidney Treasure.

调侃生活的搞笑句子
1. 人生就像一场戏，因为有缘才相聚，可惜我演的是路人甲。 Life is like a play, we gather because of fate, but sadly I’m just an extra. 2. 有时候，我觉得自己是个超级英雄，因为我能在床上躺一整天。 Sometimes, I feel like a superhero because I can lie in bed all day. 3. 当你觉得自己一无是处时，别灰心，至少你的感觉很准确。 When you feel like you’re good for nothing, don’t lose heart, at least your feeling is accurate. 4. 人生就像一场游戏，我一直在按错按钮。 Life is like a game, and I keep pressing the wrong buttons. 5. 有时候，我觉得自己是个美食家，因为我特别会吃。 Sometimes, I feel like a gourmet because I’m particularly good at eating. 6. 如果生活给你柠檬，那就把它们扔回去，然后去超市买橙汁。 If life gives you lemons, throw them back and go to the supermarket to buy orange juice. 7. 人生就像一场考试，我一直在作弊，可惜答案总是错。 Life is like an exam, I’ve been cheating all the time, but the answers are always wrong. 8. 有时候，我觉得自己是个哲学家，因为我总是在思考人生的意义。 Sometimes, I feel like a philosopher because I’m always contemplating the meaning of life. 9. 当你觉得生活对你不公时，别抱怨，因为生活根本就不知道你是谁。 When you feel life is unfair to you, don’t complain, because life doesn’t even know who you are. 10. 人生就像一场旅行，我一直在迷路，幸好有手机导航。 Life is like a journey, I keep getting lost, fortunately, I have my phone’s GPS.

1.天气热得像个笑话，日子过的像句废话。
1. The weather is hot like a joke, and the days go by like nonsense.

2.与其混，与其熬，不如二，不如飙。
2. Instead of loafing or enduring, it’s better to be daring and adventurous.

3.生活就像忐忑，没有准确的歌词，却惊心动魄。
3. Life is like an uncertain song, with no accurate lyrics, yet it’s thrilling.

4.起的比鸡早，睡的比猫晚，赚的比秃子的毛还少。
4. Waking up earlier than a rooster and sleeping later than a cat, only to earn less than a bald man’s hair.

5.我要做个下载软件，名字叫掩耳。因为迅雷不及掩耳。
5. I want to create a download software called “Covered Ear,” because “Xunlei” can’t catch up with “Covered Ear.”

6.我爱你时，你说什么就是什么。我不爱你时，你说你是什么。
6. When I love you, whatever you say goes. When I don’t, who are you?

7.所谓的单纯，长了翅膀的就是天使，没长翅膀的就是白痴。
7. So-called innocence: with wings, you’re an angel; without wings, you’re a fool.

8.竟然有人我涂了蓝眼影，那简直是在侮辱我得黑眼圈!
8. Someone actually put blue eyeshadow on me; it’s like insulting my dark circles!

9.不用怀疑，我就是你梦中的穷人。
9. No doubt about it, I am the poor person in your dreams.

10.当完全吃撑的时候，普通青年会一脸空虚地埋怨“撑死我了”，吃货则一脸轻松“我歇会儿”~
10. When completely full, ordinary youths complain emptily, “I’m so stuffed,” while foodies take it easy, “I’ll take a break.”

11.第一笔就起错了的画，只好一路地潦草下去。
11. If the first stroke is wrong, the whole painting will be messy.

12.你看，总有那么多的事情让你伤感：阴晴圆缺，悲欢离合，阳痿早泄…
12. Look, there are so many things to make you feel sad: the changing weather, joys and sorrows, impotence and premature ejaculation…

13.不要对自己过于自信，能收拾你的人比你能想到的多的多。
13. Don’t be too confident in yourself; there are far more people who can deal with you than you can imagine.

14.对于女生，又长了几斤肉并不那么可怕，可怕的是闺密那个贱人竟然又瘦了。
14. For girls, gaining a few pounds is not as terrible as their best friends losing weight again.

15.有时候觉得自己变丑了，拿出身份证一看，发现多虑了。
15. Sometimes I feel like I’ve become uglier, but when I look at my ID card, I realize I’m just being paranoid.

16.人生就像愤怒的小鸟，当你失败时，总有几只猪在笑。
16. Life is like Angry Birds; when you fail, there are always a few pigs laughing at you.

17.你说走就走，从未顾虑过我的感受，见你第一眼就知道，你是一条难养的狗。
17. You left without considering my feelings; from the first glance, I knew you were a difficult dog to raise.

18.你总是，间歇性踌躇满志，持续性混吃等死，筹谋一天，躺尸一年。
18. You always have moments of ambition, but your life is a continuous cycle of eating and waiting to die, planning for a day, and lying dead for a year.

19.给自己讲了个晚安故事，情节跌宕起伏扣人心弦，现在入戏太深还在追查凶手没有一点睡意。
19. I told myself a bedtime story, full of twists and turns, gripping the heart. Now I’m too into the story, investigating the culprit, and I can’t sleep.

20.哪里跌倒，哪里爬起。老是在那里跌倒，我怀疑那里有个坑！
20. If you keep falling in the same place, I suspect there’s a hole there!

21.我不是广场上算卦的，唠不出那么多你爱听的嗑。
21. I’m not a fortune teller in the square, so I can’t chat as much as you’d like to hear.

22.坏人需要实力，败类更需要品位。
22. Villains need strength, and the despicable ones need taste even more.

23.时间是用来流浪的，身躯是用来相爱的，生命是用来遗忘的，而灵魂，是用来歌唱的。
23. Time is for wandering, bodies are for loving, lives are for forgetting, and souls are for singing.

24.种草不让人去躺，不如改种仙人掌！
24. If planting grass doesn’t let people lie down, it’s better to plant cactus instead!

25.混社会是个体力活儿，讲究四门功课：闪转腾挪。
25. Mixing in society is a physically demanding job, focusing on four skills: dodging, turning, leaping, and moving.

26.每当冲锋号响起，我就赶紧躲进壕沟里，因为：我是卧底！
26. Every time the charge bugle sounds, I quickly hide in the trench because: I’m an undercover agent!

27.就你这个样子，这个年龄，已经跌破发行价了。
27. With your appearance and age, you’ve already dropped below the issue price.

28.你走你的过街天桥，我过我的地下通道。
28. You go your way over the pedestrian overpass, and I’ll take my underground passage.

29.当年考完英语听力，悟出一个道理：有些话，只说给懂的人听。
29. After taking the English listening test, I realized a truth: some words are only spoken to those who understand.

30.之前有个姑娘问我借钱去整容，整的挺成功，我再也认不出是谁问我借钱了。
30. A girl once asked me for a loan for plastic surgery, and it was quite successful. I can no longer recognize who asked me for the money.

31.我痛恨这个看脸的世界，让我不知道哪个人才是真正的爱我。
31. I hate this world that values appearances, making me unsure who truly loves me.

32.别人都是笑起来很好看，但是你却不一样，你是看起来很好笑。
32. Most people look good when they laugh, but you’re different; you look funny just by being yourself.

33.有些孩子，老幻想自己是公主，我就不一样，我是王子。
33. Some kids always fantasize about being a princess, but I’m not like that; I’m a prince.

34.路边一个卖西瓜的小贩在吆喝着不熟不要钱，我走过去看了看他，的确不认识，拿起两个西瓜走了。
34. A watermelon vendor on the street was shouting that if the watermelons weren’t ripe, they’d be free. I went over and took a look at him, and indeed, I didn’t recognize him, so I took two watermelons and left.

35.“矮是什么感觉？”“明明想瞪人的，硬生生成了卖萌。”
35. “What does being short feel like?” “You want to glare at someone, but it ends up looking like you’re being cute.”

36.你走了，我很痛苦，以后放的屁只有我一个人闻了。
36. When you left, I was in pain. Now, I’ll have to smell my own farts by myself.

37.别夸我，真的，尤其别夸我帅，我怕我受不了，这辈子都要跟你走。
37. Don’t praise me, really, especially don’t praise me for being handsome. I’m afraid I won’t be able to handle it and will have to follow you for the rest of my life.

38.用室友手机搜东西，看见搜索历史中有一条——如何强奸室友？当时脸都吓绿了！
38. I used my roommate’s phone to search for something and saw a search history entry - “How to rape a roommate?” My face turned green with fear!

39.嘴上污的人，一般都是在掩盖内心的正直。
39. People who talk dirty usually cover up their inner integrity.

40.什么叫成熟，你妈没逼你，你就穿上秋裤了。什么叫青春，你妈逼着你，你还是不穿秋裤。
40. What’s maturity? It means putting on your long johns without your mom nagging you. What’s youth? It means your mom forces you to wear long johns, but you still refuse to do so.

41.年轻人不要老想着天上会掉馅饼，要脚踏实地，也许地上会捡到钱呢？
41. Young people should not always expect windfalls; they should be down-to-earth, for they might find money on the ground.

42.年纪轻轻，体重倒是不轻。余额不多，想买的倒是不少。
42. Despite being young, you’re not light in weight. You don’t have much in savings, but you want to buy plenty.

43.可以触摸的痛苦是什么？就是我觉得肚子都饿扁了，一摸还是有一坨肉。
43. What is palpable pain? It’s when I feel my stomach is completely empty, yet there’s still a lump of fat when I touch it.

44.明天愚人节，老师说要上课，我越想越不得劲，“不行！不能去上课！”
44. Tomorrow is April Fool’s Day, and the teacher said we have to attend class. The more I think about it, the more uneasy I feel. “No way! I can’t go to class!”

45.长大了要嫁给唐僧，能玩就玩，不能玩就把他吃掉。
45. When I grow up, I want to marry Tang Seng, play with him if possible, and eat him if not.

46.原谅他是上帝的事，我的任务就是送他去见上帝。
46. Forgiving him is God’s job; my mission is to send him to meet God.

47.空欢喜就是早上醒来，以为自己长高了，仔细一看，原来是被子盖横了……
47. False joy is waking up in the morning, thinking I’ve grown taller, only to find out that my blanket was covering me diagonally…

48.你爸我是草原散养的，饿了吃过蚂蚱，不是所有的鸡都叫时光鸡。
48. Your dad was raised in the wild grasslands, eating grasshoppers when hungry. Not all chickens are called Time Chickens.

49.你说你愿意和我白头到老，不行，我想黑发飘飘。
49. You say you want to grow old with me, but no, I want my black hair to flow.

50.不是我心理阴暗啊，我就觉得这个空气污染是那帮口罩生产厂家制造出来的。
50. It’s not that I’m psychologically阴暗, I just think this air pollution is created by those mask manufacturers.

51.上联：学生证准考证身份证证证没带，下联：听力题阅读题作文题题题不做。横批：重在参与。
51. Upper couplet: Student ID, exam ID, and ID card, I didn’t bring any of them. Lower couplet: Listening, reading, and writing tasks, I won’t do any of them. Horizontal scroll: Participation is key.

52.没有医保和寿险的，天黑后不要见义勇为。
52. If you don’t have medical or life insurance, don’t act bravely after dark.

53.经常会从梦中惊醒，因为做了一个饿梦，好饿好饿的梦。
53. I often wake up from my dreams, startled, because I had a hungry dream, so hungry, so hungry.

54.脸乃身外之物，可要可不要，钱乃必要之物，不得不要。
54. The face is an external thing, dispensable; money is a necessary thing, indispensable.

55.好累，想在后脑勺划一刀，然后瘫在地上装储蓄罐。
55. I’m so tired; I want to cut my back of the head and collapse on the ground, pretending to be a piggy bank.

56.如果有来生，我要当条被子，不是躺在床上就是在晒太阳！
56. If there’s an afterlife, I want to be a quilt, either lying on the bed or basking in the sun!

57.人生的悲哀就在于，当你想两肋插刀的时候，却只有一把刀。
57. The sorrow of life is that when you want to help someone with all your might, you only have one knife.

58.您复杂的五官，掩饰不了您朴素的智商。
58. Your complex facial features cannot conceal your simple intelligence.

59.老师，小刚明天要请假，因为他明天可能要病了。
59. Teacher, Xiao Gang wants to ask for leave tomorrow because he might be sick.

60.我这人从不记仇，一般有仇我当场就报了。
60. I never hold grudges; I usually take revenge on the spot.

61.我是一个潜力无穷的学生，我可以三小时写完国庆作业，但这他妈是被动技能，只能十月七号晚上启动。
61. I am a student with boundless potential. I can finish my National Day homework in three hours, but it’s a passive skill that can only be activated on the night of October 7th.

62.你这个孩子怎么不懂事啊？舅舅正在这里，你怎么还会想到要去动物园看狗熊？
62. How can you be so inconsiderate, child? Your uncle is right here, and yet you still think about going to the zoo to see the bear?

63.我的兴趣爱好可分为静态和动态两种，静态就是睡觉，动态就是翻身…
63. My hobbies can be divided into two types: static and dynamic. Static is sleeping, and dynamic is turning over…

64.人终有一死，或死于数学，或亡于物理，或跪于生物，或葬于化学，或纠结于语文，或迷失于英语，或消亡于体育。
64. Everyone will die one day, either by math, physics, biology, chemistry, Chinese, English, or lost in physical education.

65.以后不要说什么蓝瘦香菇，那是南方人才说的，北方人要有自己的个性。鳖蛆，想蚝。
65. Don’t say “blue thin mushroom” anymore; that’s what people from the south say. People from the north should have their own personality. Turtle maggot, think oyster.

66.我还年青，需要指点。但是，不需要您对我指指点点…
66. I am still young and need guidance, but I don’t need you to point fingers at me…

67.老师总是叫我们不要说谎，一到上面来检查时就教我们说谎。
67. Teachers always tell us not to lie, but when someone comes to inspect, they teach us to lie.

68.如果我是僵尸，我一定择吃掉所有好学生的脑。
68. If I were a zombie, I would definitely choose to eat the brains of all the good students.

69.这个夏天出门就是进烤箱、走路就是麻辣烫、坐下就是铁板烧、还是别下雨了、下雨就成水煮鱼。
69. This summer, going out is like entering an oven, walking is like eating hot pot, sitting is like iron板烧, and it’s better not to rain because then it becomes boiled fish.

70.如果逃避就能不去面对的话，请送我一双溜冰鞋，让我跑的更快。
70. If escaping could help me avoid facing things, please give me a pair of ice skates to run faster.

71.每一个长期减肥未成功的女子，身边都有一个多年增肥无效的闺蜜。
71. Every woman who has failed to lose weight for a long time has a close friend who has been trying to gain weight for years without success.

72.帅多好啊!有士陪，有相日!有马骑，有车坐。还有兵保护。
72. How great it is to be handsome! With company from soldiers, scholars, and nobles! Riding horses and sitting in carriages. With soldiers to protect you.

73.自从人晒黑了，脸色好看了，牙齿变白了，喝酒都不脸红了。
73. Ever since I got tanned, my complexion has improved, my teeth have become whiter, and I don’t even blush when drinking alcohol.

74.一直对发型不满意的人，有一个共同点：不肯承认这是脸的问题。
74. People who are always dissatisfied with their hairstyles have one thing in common: they refuse to admit that it’s a problem with their face.

75.永远都不要跟同一个傻子争辩，因为争辩到最后，会分不清谁是傻子。
75. Never argue with the same fool, because in the end, you won’t be able to tell who the fool is.

76.这个世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
76. In this world, I only trust two people: one is me, and the other is not you.

77.午夜12点准时下线!否则，公主就会变回灰姑娘。
77. Log off at midnight sharp! Otherwise, the princess will turn back into Cinderella.

78.邀请女生出来玩失败有两个原因，一是她懒得洗头，二是你的邀请不值得她洗头。
78. There are two reasons for failing to invite a girl out: either she doesn’t want to wash her hair, or your invitation is not worth her washing her hair.

79.穷耐克，富阿迪，流氓一身阿玛尼。
79. Poor wear Nike, rich wear Adidas, gangsters wear Armani.

80.老子下个学期好好学习，虐爆那些名次排在我前面的人。
80. Next semester, I will study hard and crush those who rank above me.

81.题不一定要会做，但是翻卷声音一定要响。
81. You don’t necessarily have to be able to solve the problem, but the sound of flipping the paper must be loud.

82.情若能自控，我一定会按捺住我那颗吃货的心。
82. If I could control my emotions, I would definitely suppress my inner foodie.

83.据说这就是吃货狂吃时的状态：嘴里很享受，心里很想瘦。
83. It is said that this is the state of a foodie when binge-eating: enjoying the taste in the mouth while wishing to be thin in the heart.

84.对你这么好，才不是喜欢你，因为前生你可能是我的宠物猪。
84. I treat you so well, not because I like you, but because you might have been my pet pig in a previous life.

85.老师说上课不可以吃零食，还好今天我带的是火锅。
85. The teacher said no snacking in class, but luckily, I brought hot pot today.

86.有人说我不要脸，这简直胡扯，这么帅我哪舍得不要。
86. Some people say I have no shame; that’s nonsense. How could I give up on being this handsome?

87.把屁都存起来，到时候全部捐给那些对我不满的人。
87. Save all the farts and donate them to those who are dissatisfied with me.

88.这么大冷天里，这么大冷天里，单身狗可能会升级为汪汪碎冰冰。
88. In such cold weather, single dogs might upgrade to “Wangwang Shattered Ice.”

89.我上了床就和野兽一样，具体来说像考拉，一睡就是18个小时。
89. Once I get into bed, I become like a wild animal, specifically like a koala, sleeping for 18 hours.

90.蚊子你有手有脚的，为什么不找份工作正正当当地生活。
90. Mosquitoes, you have hands and feet; why don’t you find a job and live a decent life?

91.我哪是什么朴实，节俭，会过日子的人，我只是单纯的穷而已。
91. I’m not really simple, thrifty, or good at living; I’m just plain poor.

92.以后不要说什么蓝瘦香菇，那是南方人才说的，北方人要有自己的个性。鳖蛆，想蚝。
92. From now on, don’t say “blue thin mushroom”; that’s what people from the south say. People from the north should have their own personality. Turtle larvae, miss oysters.

93.世界上最虐心的事等了七十多秒广告之后发现这集看过了。
93. The most heartbreaking thing in the world is waiting for more than 70 seconds of ads only to find out you’ve seen this episode before.

94.蠢是会传染的你们别靠近我，我机智。
94. Foolishness is contagious, so don’t come close to me; I’m clever.

95.世界上有两种东西会趴玻璃，一个是壁虎，一个是班主任。
95. There are two things in the world that crawl on glass: one is a gecko, and the other is a headteacher.

96.听说看武打片能减肥，因为里面经常说，你快受（瘦）死吧！
96. It’s said that watching martial arts movies can help you lose weight because they often say, “You’d better suffer (thin) and die!”

97.我不骂人，因为我动手能力比较强。
97. I don’t curse at people because I have strong动手能力 (ability to act).

98.如果我是僵尸，我一定择吃掉所有好学生的脑。
98. If I were a zombie, I would choose to eat the brains of all the good students.

99.等哥有钱了，买两套房子，送他们拆一套，自己住一套！
99. When I become rich, I’ll buy two houses, give them one to demolish, and live in the other myself!

100.我有一个篮球梦，梦里我已登巅峰。
100. I have a basketball dream, in which I have already reached the peak.

越短越好的搞笑句子

1.只要你要，只要我有，不管什么，老子都不会给你。
1. If you want it, and if I have it, no matter what it is, I won’t give it to you.

2.大家好像都去谈恋爱了，留我一人独自建设社会主义。
2. It seems like everyone has gone to fall in love, leaving me alone to build socialism.

3.渐渐的，你们都去了不同的城市，朕的心腹遍布全世界，兴复帝国指日可待啊。
3. Gradually, you all went to different cities; my loyal followers are spread across the world, and the revival of the empire is just around the corner.

4.蠢是会传染的，你们别靠近我，我机智。
4. Stupidity is contagious; don’t come close to me, I’m clever.

5.大姨妈就像灰太狼，走的时候总会喊上一句，我一定会回来的。
5. Aunt Flow is like Grey Wolf, always shouting “I’ll be back” when she leaves.

6.对你这么好，才不是喜欢你，因为前生你可能是我的宠物猪。
6. I treat you so well, not because I like you, but maybe in a past life, you were my pet pig.

7.早上闹钟开始发狂，被子突然抱住我，枕头给我唱安眠曲，然后我就睡着了。
7. In the morning, the alarm clock goes crazy, the quilt suddenly hugs me, and the pillow sings a lullaby to me, so I fall asleep again.

8.每次手机卡时就狂按home键，就像在给手机做心肺复苏。
8. Every time my phone freezes, I press the home button frantically, as if performing CPR on the phone.

9.我生气的时候一定要哄我，买吃的给我，等老子吃饱了打死你。
9. When I’m angry, you must coax me, buy me food, and wait until I’m full to beat you up.

10.当你生活不顺心的时候，不要慌；看看你的钱包和存款，哭出来就好了。
10. When life is not going well, don’t panic; just look at your wallet and savings, and cry.

11.王子拿着落下来的码的水晶鞋，陷入沉思了。
11. The prince held the fallen size-matching crystal shoe, deep in thought.

12.人生就像斗地主，刚还是一伙的，一转眼就是敌人。
12. Life is like playing Landlord, one moment you’re on the same team, and the next, you’re enemies.

13.说起自己的梦想时双眼发亮，我想成为这样的人。
13. When talking about one’s dreams, eyes shine brightly; I want to be like this person.

14.我喜欢你，像你妈打你，不讲道理。
14. I like you, like your mom spanking you, without reason.

15.已经开始研究开学第一天，怎样走进教室比较帅。
15. I’ve already started researching how to enter the classroom looking cool on the first day of school.

16.骑驴把歌颂，不是秃子头发总是会失光的。
16. Praising the donkey-riding song, not a bald man’s hair will always fade away.

17.我能吃不代表我是吃货，只能说说明我好养。
17. My ability to eat doesn’t mean I’m a foodie; it just means I’m easy to please.

18.长得好看的人才有青春，像我们这种人就只有大学了。
18. Good-looking people have youth; people like us only have college.

19.现在的梦想决定着你的将来，所以还是再睡一会吧。
19. Your current dreams determine your future, so just sleep a little longer.

20.每次语文课上，要回答问题时，全班总是一片死寂。
20. Every time in Chinese class, when it’s time to answer a question, the whole class falls silent.

21.穿别人的鞋，走自己的路，让他们找去吧。
21. Wear someone else’s shoes, walk your own path, and let them search for it.

22.中华儿女千千万，这个不行咱就换。
22. There are thousands of Chinese sons and daughters; if this one doesn’t work, we’ll switch to another.

23.鸵鸟的幸福，只是一堆沙子。
23. The happiness of an ostrich is just a pile of sand.

24.我以为我很颓废，今天我才知道，原来我早报废了。
24. I thought I was decadent, but today I realized that I had already been scrapped.

25.西游记告诉我们：凡是有后台的妖怪都被接走了，凡是没后台的都被一棒子打死了。
25. Journey to the West tells us: demons with powerful backers are taken away, while those without are killed with a single blow.

26.女子无才便是德，我一定是太缺德了。
26. A woman without talent is virtuous; I must be extremely lacking in virtue.

27.思念不能自已，痛苦不能自理，结果不能自取，幸福不能自予。
27. Longing cannot be controlled, pain cannot be managed, results cannot be chosen, happiness cannot be given.

28.我以神的姿态，闪耀在这美的瞬间，凡人勿扰。
28. I shine in this beautiful moment with a divine aura; mortals, do not disturb.

29.横溢的不只是才华，还有腰间的脂肪。
29. What overflows is not only talent but also the fat around the waist.

30.老娘法眼一开就知道你是个妖孽了。
30. Old lady’s sharp eyes can tell you’re a demon.

31.琴棋书画不会，洗衣做饭嫌累。
31. I can’t play musical instruments or practice calligraphy and painting, and I find washing clothes and cooking tiring.

32.手拿菜刀砍电线，一路火花带闪电。
32. Holding a kitchen knife to chop the electric wire, sparks and lightning all the way.

33.学佛是对自己的良心交待，不是做给别人看的。
33. Studying Buddhism is to be accountable to one’s conscience, not for show.

34.成人不自在，自在不成人。
34. Adults are not at ease, and those who are at ease are not adults.

35.我都不泡你了，你又何苦泡我。
35. I’m not chasing you, so why bother pursuing me?

36.每一个学渣上辈子都是折翼的小天使。
36. Every underachiever in school was a fallen angel in their previous life.

37.秋天来了，请使劲儿矫情。
37. Autumn is here, please be melodramatic.

38.我委屈。你为什么不让我送便当。
38. I’m wronged. Why don’t you let me deliver lunch boxes?

39.生活就像忐忑，没有准确的歌词，却惊心动魄。
39. Life is like a nervousness, with no accurate lyrics, yet it’s thrilling.

40.还是对我好，我给他发一条对短信，他给我回条。
40. He’s still kind to me; I send him a text message, and he replies with a text.

41.左手拿着书，右手拿着打火机，哪里不会点哪里！
41. Holding a book in my left hand and a lighter in my right, I’ll enlighten wherever I’m ignorant!

42.当年考完英语听力，悟出一个道理：有些话，只说给懂的人听。
42. After taking the English listening test, I realized a truth: some words are only spoken to those who understand.

43.天没降大任于我，照样苦我心志，劳我筋骨。
43. Heavens have not bestowed great responsibilities upon me, yet they still torment my mind and tire my body.

44.上英语课，老师叫我们读苹果这个单词，全班很默契地大喊“iphone”。
44. In English class, the teacher asked us to read the word “apple” out loud, and the whole class shouted “iPhone” in perfect harmony.

45.睡到半夜手机掉了，结果我捡起拖鞋睡着了！
45. My phone fell off the bed in the middle of the night, and I ended up picking up my slipper and falling asleep with it!

46.北风吹，秋风凉，谁家娇妻守空房，你有困难我帮忙，我住隔壁我姓王。
46. The north wind blows, the autumn wind is cool, whose lovely wife is guarding the empty room? If you have difficulties, I’m here to help, I live next door and my surname is Wang.

47.多撮合撮合班里的男女同学，这样将来能省一半的份子钱。
47. Encourage more relationships between male and female classmates, so you can save half the money on wedding gifts in the future.

48.认识你之后，一种智力上的优越感，油然而生。
48. After getting to know you, a sense of intellectual superiority arises spontaneously.

49.没喝酒之前我是沈阳的，喝完酒之后沈阳是我的。
49. Before drinking, I belonged to Shenyang; after drinking, Shenyang belongs to me.

50.我说我比较喜欢李白的诗，陆游气坏了，然后我家就没法上网了。
50. I said I prefer Li Bai’s poems, Lu You got angry, and then I couldn’t access the internet at home.

51.为什么要谈恋爱？是手机不好玩？还是风油精不好用？
51. Why bother with romantic relationships? Is the phone not fun enough? Or is the Wind Oil Essence not good enough?

52.世界上最没用的东西就是工资条，看了生气，擦屁股太细。
52. The most useless thing in the world is the pay slip; it makes you angry when you look at it, and it’s too thin to wipe your bottom.

53.我的心不是公交车，不是有空位你就坐下来。
53. My heart is not a public bus; you can’t just sit down whenever there’s an empty seat.

54.母牛撞上高压线，真是牛逼带闪电。
54. A cow hitting a high-voltage wire is truly amazing and lightning-fast.

55.没有医保和寿险的，天黑后不要见义勇为。
55. If you don’t have medical or life insurance, don’t act bravely after dark.

56.没有癞蛤蟆，天鹅也回寂寞。
56. Without toads, swans would also be lonely.

57.情人节表白，人家不听；愚人节表白，人家不信；清明节表白，人家不应。唉。
57. On Valentine’s Day, people don’t listen to confessions; on April Fool’s Day, they don’t believe them; on Tomb-Sweeping Day, they don’t respond. Sigh.

58.脸乃身外之物，可要可不要，钱乃必要之物，不得不要。
58. The face is an external thing, dispensable; money is a necessary thing, indispensable.

59.地理老师问：四大洋分别是那个？我答：喜羊羊美羊羊懒羊羊沸羊羊。
59. The geography teacher asked: What are the four oceans? I answered: Pleasant Goat, Beautiful Goat, Lazy Goat, and Boiling Goat.

60.话是人说的，屁也是人放的，说话和放屁一样，都是一口气而已。
60. Words are spoken by people, and farts are released by people; speaking and farting are the same, just a breath away.

61.不当家不知柴米贵，不拍照不知自己肥。
61. You don’t know the value of money until you manage a household; you don’t realize you’re fat until you take a photo.

62.不理你怎么了，别担心，还有我，我也懒得理你。
62. I don’t care what’s wrong with you; don’t worry, I’m here for you, even though I’m too lazy to care.

63.这日子太无聊了，一点点风吹，我就想草动。
63. These days are so boring; the slightest breeze makes me want to act like the grass is moving.

64.我贱癌入骨，医生说是晚期，没得救了。
64. I have terminal “cheapness cancer,” and the doctor says there’s no cure.

65.别做混世大魔王了，做我的小王八吧。
65. Stop being a troublemaker; be my little turtle instead.

66.我会一直喜欢你，直到数学满分。
66. I will always like you until I get a perfect score in math.

67.今天什么都不想做，只想安静地帅上一天。
67. Today, I don’t want to do anything; I just want to be quietly handsome for the whole day.

68.不想养狗，也不想养猫，想养你，毕竟养猪致富。
68. I don’t want to raise a dog or a cat; I want to raise you, because raising a pig can make me rich.

69.一白遮三丑，一高遮五丑，一瘦遮七丑，一富遮百丑，一胖毁所有！
69. One bit of whiteness can hide three uglinesses; one height can hide five uglinesses; one thinness can hide seven uglinesses; one wealth can hide a hundred uglinesses, but one fatness can ruin everything!

70.古九尾狐狸有九命，分别亡于语数外政史地理化生。
70. The ancient nine-tailed fox had nine lives, and each died from language, math, history, geography, chemistry, physics, and biology.

71.先定个小目标，比方说今年先嫁张继科。
71. Set a small goal first, like marrying Zhang Jike this year.

72.现在你补作业时流的泪，就是你浪的时候脑子进的水。
72. The tears you shed while catching up on homework now are the result of the water that entered your brain when you were being reckless.

73.你脸那么大，一定是这个世界上最给我面子的人。
73. Your face is so big; you must be the person who gives me the most face in this world.

74.上帝是很公平的，他让你过了光棍节，就不会让你过情人节！
74. God is fair; if He lets you celebrate Singles’ Day, He won’t let you celebrate Valentine’s Day!

75.用实践证明，混不好发誓不回去了。
75. Prove with practice that if you don’t do well, you won’t go back.

76.做作业，做一夜，坐一夜，做一页。
76. Do homework, spend a whole night, sit for a night, and complete one page.

77.钱包，你怎么了钱包，回答我钱包，你怎么又瘦了，醒醒丫。
77. Wallet, what’s wrong with you? Wallet, answer me, why are you so thin again? Wake up!

78.给我订两张去天庭的机票、我要去找月老谈谈。
78. Book two tickets to heaven for me; I want to talk to the Matchmaker.

79.人家有的是背景儿，我有的只是背影儿。
79. Others have backgrounds, but I only have a silhouette.

80.你不想接我电话就直说，别老让中国移动帮你说对不起。
80. If you don’t want to answer my call, just say it; don’t always let China Mobile apologize for you.

81.为了当年你那句保重，这么多年我一直没瘦。
81. For that “take care” you said back then, I haven’t lost weight all these years.

82.自拍这种东西：三分天注定，七分靠滤镜。
82. Selfies: 30% destiny, 70% filter.

83.小时候关灯，总是要以迈的速度冲上床！
83. As a child, when turning off the lights, I always had to rush to bed at a sprinter’s speed!

84.你认真起来的那一瞬间，真有点像路边贴膜的。
84. The moment you get serious, you really do look like a street phone screen protector.

85.在女孩子花一样的年纪里，你长成了一棵多肉植物。
85. In the age when girls bloom like flowers, you’ve grown into a succulent plant.

86.空有一身撩妹的本事，可惜自己也是个妹。
86. I have all the skills to flirt with girls, but unfortunately, I’m a girl myself.

87.我发誓再到网上买东西就剁手，现在我正在网上看假肢。
87. I vowed to cut off my hand if I shopped online again; now I’m browsing for prosthetic hands online.

88.当我在大街上摔倒周围人对我笑时，爬起来再摔几次，笑死他们。
88. When I fall on the street and people laugh at me, I’ll get up and fall a few more times to make them laugh to death.

89.我以前也是一个瘦子，直到一句话改变了我。你吃啊，吃啊，你又不胖。我就误认为自己真的不胖。
89. I used to be thin until a sentence changed me. “Eat, eat, you’re not fat.” I mistook it for thinking I really wasn’t fat.

90.春困，夏倦，秋乏，冬眠，四季如梦叫我怎能认真听讲。
90. Spring drowsiness, summer lethargy, autumn fatigue, winter hibernation; how can I listen attentively when all四季 seem like a dream?

91.但凡是美味的食物，都在对我撒媚眼，忍不住要宠幸。
91. All delicious foods seem to be flirting with me, and I can’t resist showing them favor.

92.待我长发及腰，遮住一身肥膘，纵然虎背熊腰，也要高冷傲娇。
92. When my hair grows to my waist, covering my fat body, even with a bear-like back and waist, I will remain aloof and proud.

93.考试你真坏！伤了我的心不说，还伤我爸妈的心。
93. Exams, you’re so mean! Not only do you hurt my heart, but you also hurt my parents’ hearts.

94.过年最虚伪的一句话是：嗨，来就来嘛，带什么东西！
94. The most hypocritical phrase during the New Year is: “Hi, come on in, what did you bring?”

95.我这么穷，为什么还会发胖呢，不知道这肉咋长的，这个问题困扰了我好多年。
95. Why do I still gain weight if I’m so poor? I don’t know how this fat grows, and this question has troubled me for many years.

96.每个人都不是吃素的，吃素都是装出来的。
96. No one is a vegetarian by nature; vegetarianism is all pretend.

97.故意不讨人喜欢，也是一种虚伪，而且程度不小。
97. Deliberately not being likable is also a form of hypocrisy, and to a considerable extent.

98.我的腰闪了，惹祸的不是青春，而是压力。
98. My waist is sprained, but it’s not youth that caused the trouble; it’s the pressure.

99.让人想念而死，是谋杀的至高境界，就连法医也鉴定不出死因。
99. Making someone die from missing you is the ultimate form of murder, so even a forensic doctor can’t determine the cause of death.

100.即使路上没有花朵，我仍可以欣赏荒芜。
100. Even if there are no flowers on the road, I can still appreciate the desolation.