1、哥不是收破烂的，做不到让你随喊随到。
1. I’m not a scrap collector; I can’t be at your beck and call.

2、我身材其实挺好，肥而不腻。
2. My figure is actually quite good, plump but not greasy.

3、走投无路还走什么走，直接坐车啊。
3. When you’re out of options, why walk when you can just take a car?

4、你讲我坏话时能不能别添油加醋，以为炒菜啊。
4. When talking bad about me, can you stop exaggerating, thinking you’re stir-frying?

5、人不能低下高贵的头,但捡钱时例外。
5. One cannot bow their noble head, except when picking up money.

6、我不是草船，你的贱别往我这发。
6. I’m not a straw boat; don’t send your cheapness my way.

7、你就像九天仙女下凡尘，可惜脸部先着地。
7. You’re like a fairy descending from the heavens, but unfortunately, your face hit the ground first.

8、我觉得地球好危险，我想火星了。
8. I think Earth is dangerous; I miss Mars.

9、本想华丽的转身，不料低调的撞墙。
9. I wanted to make a grand turn, but I bumped into the wall discreetly.

10、不要给我压力，那将是我成为你上司的动力。
10. Don’t give me pressure; it will become the motivation for me to become your boss.

11、缴手机费时，才知道，原来我的话这么值钱。
11. When paying my phone bill, I realized my words are so valuable.

12、哪家的名门之后啊，你爹是天蓬元帅啊！
12. Whose prestigious descendant are you? Your father is Marshal Tian Peng!

13、睡眠是一门艺术,谁也无法阻挡我追求艺术的脚步！
13. Sleep is an art; no one can stop me from pursuing artistic footsteps!

14、您复杂的五官，掩饰不了您朴素的智商。
14. Your complex facial features cannot conceal your simple intelligence.

15、枪决前这名年轻人绝望地大吼道：“谁他妈告诉我杀人长命的！”
15. Before the execution, the young man shouted in despair, “Who the hell told me that killing would make me live longer?!”

16、每天把牢骚拿出来晒晒太阳，心情就不会缺钙。
16. Take out your complaints and let them bask in the sun every day, and your mood won’t be lacking in calcium.

17、悟空大喊吃俺老孙一棒，金角大王一愣，张开了嘴。
17. Wukong shouted, “Eat this strike from me, Old Sun!” The Golden Horned King was stunned and opened his mouth.

18、比一比这两条鱼谁长的帅，长得帅就是明天的菜.。
18. Compare these two fish and see who looks more handsome; the handsome one will be tomorrow’s dish.

19、人是铁，饭是钢，骨头里面没有汤。
19. Man is iron, rice is steel; there’s no soup inside the bones.

20、从猴子变成人需要成千上万年，从人变回猴子只用一瓶酒。
20. It takes thousands of years for a monkey to become a human, but it only takes a bottle of alcohol for a human to become a monkey again.

21、锄禾日当午，啥都不靠普。闲来没事做，不如斗地主。
21. Hoeing the field under the midday sun, relying on nothing but the common touch. When idle and with nothing to do,不如 play a game of Landlord.

22、俗话说：心静自然凉。于是乎，我躺在床上装死。
22. As the saying goes: A calm heart feels naturally cool. So, I lie in bed pretending to be dead.

23、別在无聊的时候來找我，不然显得我是多余的.
23. Don’t come to me when you’re bored, or I’ll seem redundant.

24、本来智商就高，连情商都为零，还让不让人活了。
24. My IQ is already high, and yet my EQ is zero. How am I supposed to survive?

25、人间正道是沧桑，活的不要太嚣张。
25. The righteous path of life is full of hardships; don’t live life too arrogantly.

26、携子之手，将子拖走，子若不走，拍晕了，继续拖走。
26. Holding the child’s hand, I drag the child away. If the child refuses to leave, I’ll knock them out and continue dragging them away.

27、老王掉进村口枯井，在村民们的热心帮助下，最终适应了井底生活。
27. Old Wang fell into the dry well at the entrance of the village, and with the enthusiastic help of the villagers, he eventually adapted to the life at the bottom of the well.

28、苦逼和土豪的区别是什么？标准答案：大宝天天见和天天大保健的区别。
28. What is the difference between a loser and a rich person? Standard answer: The difference between seeing Dabao every day and having daily health checks.

29、世界上最遥远的距离，不是生与死的距离，而是考试前，别人都在复习，而我在预习……
29. The longest distance in the world is not the distance between life and death, but the distance between exams, when others are reviewing, and I am just pre-reviewing…

30、小时候我以为自己长大后可以拯救整个世界，等长大后才发现整个世界都拯救不了我。
30. When I was young, I thought I could save the whole world when I grew up. But when I grew up, I realized that the whole world couldn’t save me.

31、有一天晚上我做家务，让老公哄儿子先睡觉，过了两小时我轻轻的开门问：“他睡了吗？””他睡了。”儿子回答道。
31. One evening while I was doing the housework, I asked my husband to put our son to bed. Two hours later, I gently opened the door and whispered, “Is he asleep yet?” “He’s asleep,” my son replied.

32、有一天，一群城管在追一摆摊的老太太，老太太拼命跑……突然！老太太不小心摔倒了，这时城管一楞，接着就发疯似的逃了。
32. One day, a group of city enforcers was chasing an old lady who was setting up her street stall. As the old lady ran for her life…suddenly! She accidentally fell. The enforcers froze for a moment, then started running away like mad.

33、老师：“请大家想象一下，假如你在一个有恐龙的世界里，而有一条正准备要吃你，你该怎么办？” 小明：“这还不简单！马上停止想象就行。” 老师：“你出去！”
33. Teacher: “Please imagine that you are in a world with dinosaurs, and one is about to eat you. What would you do?” Xiao Ming: “It’s simple! Just stop imagining.” Teacher: “Get out!”
1：你的手机比话费还便宜。
1: Your phone is cheaper than your phone bill.

2：人家有的是背景，而我有的是背影。　
2: Others have a background, while I have a silhouette.

3：我是胖人，不是粗人。
3: I am fat, not rude.

4：别把虾米不当海鲜。　
4: Don’t think that shrimp isn’t seafood.

5：我的名字叫Rain，小名叫润土。
5: My name is Rain, and my nickname is Runtu.

6：我诅咒你一辈子买方便面没有调料包。　
6: I curse you to never have seasoning packets in instant noodles for the rest of your life.

7：骗子太多，傻子明显不够用了。
7: There are too many swindlers, and fools are clearly not enough to go around. Please translate the above paragraph (original text) into corresponding English lines, ensuring the translation is in line with English habits, maintains the original numbers, punctuation, and tags. Check: The translation should be the same as the original text when translated back to the original language, if not, please re-translate without adding any additional explanations or descriptions, and only return the complete translation.

8：别人装处，我只好装经验丰富。
8: While others pretend to be somewhere, I have to pretend to be experienced.

9：你看得出我擦了粉吗? 　
9: Can you tell I’ve put on powder?

10：史上最神秘的部门：有关部门。　　
10: The most mysterious department in history: the relevant department.

11：令堂可是令尊表姐? 　　
11: Is your mother your father’s cousin?

12：什么是幸福?幸福就是猫吃鱼，狗吃肉，奥特曼打小怪兽!
12: What is happiness? Happiness is the cat eating fish, the dog eating meat, and Ultraman fighting little monsters!

14：不怕偷儿带工具，就怕偷儿懂科技! 　
14: I’m not afraid of thieves with tools, but I’m afraid of thieves who understand technology!

15：我就是在路上斩棘杀龙游江过河攀上塔顶负责吻醒你的公主。
15: I am the princess who clears the thorns on the road, kills dragons, crosses rivers, climbs to the top of the tower, and is responsible for waking you up with a kiss.

16：谈钱不伤感情，谈感情最他妈伤钱。　
16: Talking about money doesn’t hurt feelings, but talking about feelings hurts money the most.

17：我是天使，回不去天堂是因为体重的原因。　
17: I am an angel, and I can’t go back to heaven because of my weight.

18：收银员说：没零钱了，找你两个塑料袋吧!
18: The cashier said: “I don’t have any change, so I’ll give you two plastic bags instead!”

19：我的优点是：我很帅;但是我的缺点是：我帅的不明显。　
19: My advantage is that I am handsome; but my disadvantage is that my handsomeness is not obvious.

20：会计说：“你晚点来领工资吧，我这没零钱。” 　
20: The accountant said: “Come to collect your salary later, I don’t have any change here.”

21：路漫漫其修远兮，不如我们打的吧。
21: The road ahead is long and has a distant repair, so let’s take a taxi.

22：狂奔的蜗牛。　
22: A snail running wildly.

23：我这辈子只有两件事不会：这也不会，那也不会。　
23: In my life, there are only two things I can’t do: this one and that one.

24：如果太阳不出来了，我就不去上班了;如果出来了，我就继续睡觉。
24: If the sun doesn’t come out, I won’t go to work; if it does come out, I’ll continue to sleep.

25：不可否认，马赛克是这个世纪阻碍人类**艺术进步最大的障碍! 　
25: Undoubtedly, mosaic is the biggest obstacle to human artistic progress in this century!

26：虽然你身上喷了古龙水，但我还是能隐约闻到一股人渣味儿。　
26: Although you have sprayed cologne on yourself, I can still vaguely smell the scent of a scumbag.

27：每天早上起床都要看一遍“福布斯”富翁排行榜，如果上面没有我的名字，我就去上班。
27: Every morning when I get up, I have to check the “Forbes” rich list. If my name is not on it, I’ll go to work.

28：白马啊…你死去哪了!是不是你把王子弄丢了不敢来见我了。　　
28: White horse, where have you died? Did you lose the prince and dare not come to see me?

29：我自横刀向天笑，笑完我就去睡觉。　
29: I laugh with my sword against the sky, and after laughing, I will go to sleep.

30：泡妞就像挂QQ，每天哄她2个小时，很快就可以太阳了。
30: Flirting with girls is like hanging on QQ, coaxing her for 2 hours every day, and soon you can reach the sun.

31：有一次我上街，一群女孩把我拦住，她们说我帅，我不承认，她们就打我，还说我虚伪。
31: Once I was on the street, a group of girls stopped me, saying I was handsome. I denied it, and they hit me, calling me hypocritical.

32：麻烦你扬州炒饭一份，多点葱花，少少盐，extra一个egg，打包带走。　　
32: Please pack a portion of Yangzhou fried rice with more green onions, less salt, and an extra egg to go.

33：既宅又腐，前途未卜。
33: Both a shut-in and rotten, the future is uncertain.

34：肉的理想，白菜的命。　
34: The ideal is meat, but the fate is cabbage.

35：你信不信我一掌把你拍墙上，抠都抠不下来！
35: Do you believe that I can slap you onto the wall so hard that you can’t be removed?

36：千万别混日子，小心日子把你给混了。
36: Never waste time, or be careful that time will waste you.

37：你走了，我一定会想你，可问题是，你怎么还不走啊。
37: If you leave, I will definitely miss you, but the problem is, why haven’t you left yet?

38：不知不觉中1、鲜花往往不属于赏花的人，而属于牛粪。
38: Unconsciously, 1. Flowers often don’t belong to those who appreciate them, but to cow dung.

2、我们走得太快，灵魂都跟不上了……
2. We walk too fast, and our souls can’t keep up…

3、树不要皮，必死无疑；人不要脸，天下无敌。
3. If a tree loses its bark, it will die; if a person has no shame, he is invincible.

4、要不是打不过你，我早就和你翻脸了。
4. If I could beat you, I would have already turned against you.

5、路漫漫其修远兮，不如我去打的。
5. The road is long and has a distant repair, it’s better for me to take a taxi.

6、水壶啊，你为什么哭泣，是因为屁股太烫了吗?
6. Kettle, why are you crying, is it because your butt is too hot?

7、你以为我会眼睁睁地看着你去送死？我会闭上眼睛的。
7. Do you think I would watch you die? I would close my eyes.

8、你快回来，我一人忽悠不来！
8. Come back quickly, I can’t忽悠 by myself!

9、思想有多远，你就滚多远；光速有多快，你就滚多快。
9. How far your thoughts are, just roll that far away; how fast light travels, just roll that fast.

10、出问题先从自己身上找原因，别一便秘就怪地球没引力。
10. When problems arise, first look for reasons within yourself, don’t blame the Earth for lack of gravity just because you have constipation.

11、不经历星期一上午的崩溃，就不知道星期五下午的可贵。
11. Without experiencing the collapse on Monday morning, you won’t know the value of Friday afternoon.

12、毁掉一首好歌最好的方法就是把它设为起床闹铃。
12. The best way to ruin a good song is to set it as your alarm clock.

13、一分钟有多长？这要看你是蹲在厕所里面，还是等在厕所外面。
13. How long is a minute? It depends on whether you are sitting in the toilet or waiting outside of it.

14、卖花的小姑娘拉着我，说道：大哥哥，买花吧，一看就知道你是花心的人。
14. A little girl selling flowers grabbed me and said, “Big brother, buy some flowers! I can tell you’re a flirtatious person just by looking at you.”

15、成功三要素：1坚持；2不要脸；3坚持不要脸。你做到了么？
15. The three key elements of success: 1. Perseverance; 2. No shame; 3. Persevere in being shameless. Have you achieved these?

16、我的心不是公交车，不是有空位你就坐下来。
16. My heart is not a bus, where you can sit down whenever there’s an empty seat.

17、眼睛可以看得很遥远，却看不见眼里的眼珠；很高明的理发师，给自己剃不了头。
17. Your eyes can see very far away, but they cannot see the eyeball inside them; a very skilled barber cannot shave their own head.

18、别人手牵手，我牵我的狗，走一走，游一游，看谁不爽咬两口。
18. Others hold hands, but I walk with my dog, taking a stroll and wandering around, biting whoever annoys me.

19、今天心情不好，我只有四句话想说，包括这句和前面的两句，我的话说完了。
19. I’m in a bad mood today, and I have only four sentences to say, including this one and the two previous ones. My words are now finished.

20、去披萨店买披萨！服务员问我是要切成8块还是12块？我想了想说：还是8块吧！12块吃不完！
20. I went to a pizza shop to buy a pizza! The waiter asked me if I wanted it cut into 8 pieces or 12 pieces? I thought for a moment and said, “8 pieces, please! I can’t finish 12 pieces!”

21、我心中一直有个疑惑，5年了，整整5年了，灰太狼都是吃什么活下去的…
21. I’ve always had a doubt in my heart: for the past 5 years, what has Grey Wolf been eating to survive?

22、世界上最遥远的距离不是生与死也不是相爱不知，是冬天被窝里和被窝外的距离。
22. The longest distance in the world is not between life and death, nor not knowing each other when in love, but the distance between the inside and outside of a winter quilt.

23、成功的路很直很直，也很宽很宽！但，我还是不断地走弯！最后只不过是转了个圈！
23. The path to success is very straight and wide! However, I keep taking detours! In the end, I just went in circles!

24、小时候最怕的，不是梦见自己找厕所没有找到。而是人还没醒过来，厕所找到了。
24. When I was a child, the scariest thing was not dreaming of not finding a toilet. It was finding the toilet before waking up.

25、女人胖是丰满，瘦是苗条，高是修长，矮是秀气。男人胖是猪，瘦是排骨，高是竹竿，矮是冬瓜！
25. A fat woman is considered full and plump, thin is slim, tall is elegant, and short is delicate. A fat man is a pig, thin is a skeleton, tall is a bamboo pole, and short is a gourd!

26、据我观察，你肯定从小缺钙，长大缺爱，姥姥不疼，舅舅不爱。左脸欠抽，右脸欠踹。驴见驴踢，猪见猪踩。
26. Based on my observation, you must have been lacking calcium as a child and love as you grew up. Your grandmother doesn’t dote on you, and your uncle doesn’t care for you. Your left cheek needs a slap, and your right cheek needs a kick. Even donkeys and pigs would avoid you!

27、据说某公司招聘，先把收到的一大堆简历随机扔掉一半，因为他们的招聘理念是“我们不要运气不好的人。”
27. It is said that a certain company randomly throws away half of the resumes they receive during recruitment, as their recruitment philosophy is “We don’t want people with bad luck.”

28、心情不好的时候，那就上厕所，上完之后，面部狰狞的对着马桶说：“你给我吃屎吧你！”然后猛冲厕所。
28. When you’re in a bad mood, go to the bathroom. After you’re done, scowl at the toilet and say, “Eat shit!” Then flush it forcefully.

29、一位白人到黑人区发表竞选演说，为了赢得黑人选民的支持，演说中他竟脱口而出：“虽然我的皮肤是白的，但心却和你们一样黑。”
29. A white man went to a black neighborhood to give a campaign speech. In order to win the support of black voters, he blurted out, “Although my skin is white, my heart is as black as yours.”

30、一老伙计丢车，当他把新买的一辆车放在楼下时他上了三把锁并夹了一张纸：让你丫偷！第二天车没丢，并且多了两把锁和一张纸，上写着：让你丫骑！
30. An old friend lost his bike. When he parked his newly bought bike downstairs, he locked it with three locks and attached a note: “Try to steal this!” The next day, the bike was still there, but there were two more locks and a note that read, “Try to ride this!”

31、一神经病在床上唱歌,唱着唱着翻了个身,趴在枕头上继续唱歌,主治医生问:“唱就唱吧,你翻身干什么?“神经病说:“傻B,A面唱完了当然要唱B面了。人就发霉了，所以千万不要不知不觉。
31. A mentally ill patient was singing in bed. After singing for a while, he turned over and continued singing on his pillow. The attending doctor asked, “What are you doing turning over while singing?” The patient replied, “Idiot, I’ve finished singing Side A, so now I’ll sing Side B.” People can go moldy, so never be oblivious.