1.据说这就是吃货狂吃时的状态：嘴里很享受，心里很想瘦。
1. It is said that this is the state of a foodie when binge-eating: enjoying the taste in their mouth while wishing to be thin in their heart.
2.说真的，我的床上功夫真的很厉害，我可以不吃不喝不上厕所在床上躺睡一天。
2. Honestly, I am really good at staying in bed; I can lie there without eating, drinking, or going to the bathroom for a whole day.
3.眉毛少的人没法做朋友，拍个照不让美白，因为一美白她眉毛就不见了。
3. People with sparse eyebrows can’t be friends; when taking a photo, they don’t allow whitening because their eyebrows disappear.
4.我能想到最浪漫的事，就是看你慢慢变老而我依旧帅气逼人。
4. The most romantic thing I can think of is watching you slowly grow old while I remain handsome.
5.养的小仓鼠生病了，不过没关系，家里有老鼠药，希望它吃过以后能好起来。
5. My pet hamster got sick, but it’s okay because there’s rat poison at home; hopefully, it will get better after taking it.
6.可以触摸的痛苦是什么？就是我觉得肚子都饿扁了，一摸还是有一坨肉。
6. What is touchable pain? It’s when I feel my stomach is so empty, but when I touch it, there’s still a lump of fat.
7.强迫症就是：睡觉前必须上个厕所，如果去过厕所后再玩手机，那一会睡觉还要再去一趟。
7. Obsessive-compulsive disorder means you must go to the bathroom before going to sleep; if you use your phone after going to the bathroom, you’ll need to go again before sleeping.
8.如果上帝关掉你的一扇窗顺便也把门堵上了，有可能上帝要开空调了哦。
8. If God closes a window for you and blocks the door, it might be because God wants to turn on the air conditioner.
9.那天老师问我为什么上课睡觉，我回了句医生说吃完药就得睡觉。
9. That day, the teacher asked me why I was sleeping in class, and I replied that the doctor said I had to sleep after taking medicine.
10.化学实验课，老师问我：“加钡？不加钡？”我立马喊道：“抢地主！”我觉得老师再也不会爱我了，老师大喊：“我抢！”
10. In chemistry class, the teacher asked me, “Add barium? Or not add barium?” I immediately shouted, “Landlord!” I think the teacher will never love me again; the teacher shouted, “I’ll take it!”
11.孩子们别怕，谁让你们挂科，我就让谁挂！
11. Kids, don’t be afraid; whoever makes you fail, I’ll make them fail too!
12.你看，总有那么多的事情让你伤感：阴晴圆缺，悲欢离合，阳痿早泄…
12. Look, there are always so many things that make you feel sad: the changing weather, joys and sorrows, separations and reunions, erectile dysfunction, and premature ejaculation…
13.不要对自己过于自信，能收拾你的人比你能想到的多的多。
13. Don’t be too confident in yourself; there are far more people who can deal with you than you can imagine.
14.对于女生，又长了几斤肉并不那么可怕，可怕的是闺密那个贱人竟然又瘦了。
14. For girls, gaining a few pounds is not that terrible; what’s really scary is when your best friend loses weight again.
15.有时候觉得自己变丑了，拿出身份证一看，发现多虑了。
15. Sometimes I feel that I’ve become uglier, but when I take out my ID card, I realize I was worrying too much.
16.人生就像愤怒的小鸟，当你失败时，总有几只猪在笑。
16. Life is like Angry Birds; when you fail, there are always a few pigs laughing at you.
17.别说世界抛弃了你，世界根本没空搭理你。
17. Don’t say the world has abandoned you; the world just doesn’t have time to pay attention to you.
18.原谅他是上帝的事，我的任务就是送他去见上帝。
18. Forgiving him is God’s job; my task is to send him to meet God.
19.空欢喜就是早上醒来，以为自己长高了，仔细一看，原来是被子盖横了……
19. Empty joy is waking up in the morning, thinking you’ve grown taller, only to find out it’s because your blanket was covering you diagonally…
20.你爸我是草原散养的，饿了吃过蚂蚱，不是所有的鸡都叫时光鸡。
20. Your dad is a free-range chicken from the grasslands; I’ve eaten grasshoppers when I was hungry, and not all chickens are called Time Chicken.
21.你说你愿意和我白头到老，不行，我想黑发飘飘。
21. You said you would grow old with me, but I’d rather have black hair fluttering in the wind.
22.如果你实在饿了打电话给我，我吃点零食嚼给你听。
22. If you’re really hungry, call me and I’ll chew some snacks for you to listen to.
23.太关注我的人，一般只有两种人，一种是暗恋我的，一种是暗算我的。
23. People who pay too much attention to me are generally only two kinds: those who have a crush on me and those who are plotting against me.
24.人终有一死，或死于数学，或亡于物理，或跪于生物，或葬于化学，或纠结于语文，或迷失于英语，或消亡于体育。
24. Everyone will die someday, either by math, physics, biology, chemistry, Chinese, English, or sports.
25.以后不要说什么蓝瘦香菇，那是南方人才说的，北方人要有自己的个性。鳖蛆，想蚝。
25. From now on, don’t say “blue thin mushroom”; that’s what people from the south say. People from the north should have their own personality. Turtle’s eggs, I miss oysters.
26.你说走就走，从未顾虑过我的感受，见你第一眼就知道，你是一条难养的狗。
26. You left without a second thought, never considering my feelings. From the first glance, I knew you were a difficult dog to raise.
27.有人说我不要脸，这简直胡扯，这么帅我哪舍得不要。
27. Some people say I have no shame, which is nonsense. How could I abandon my handsome face?
28.把屁都存起来，到时候全部捐给那些对我不满的人。
28. Save all the farts and donate them to those who are dissatisfied with me.
29.描述一下你上课的模样，从脊椎动物变成无脊椎动物最后变成软体动物。
29. Describe your appearance in class: from a vertebrate to an invertebrate, and finally to a mollusk.
30.你不爱我，我也不稀罕你的爱，拿着你的爱离我远一点。
30. If you don’t love me, I don’t care about your love. Take your love away from me.
31.这么大冷天里，这么大冷天里，单身狗可能会升级为汪汪碎冰冰。
31. In such a cold day, single dogs might upgrade to “barking broken ice.”
32.我不骂人，因为我动手能力比较强。
32. I don’t curse at people because I have strong hands-on skills.
33.如果我是僵尸，我一定择吃掉所有好学生的脑。
33. If I were a zombie, I would choose to eat the brains of all the good students.
34.等哥有钱了，买两套房子，送他们拆一套，自己住一套！
34. When I become rich, I’ll buy two houses, give them one to demolish, and live in the other.
35.我有一个篮球梦，梦里我已登巅峰。
35. I have a basketball dream, where I have already reached the peak.
36.被抢走的东西就要用心抢回来，然后用力扔出去。
36. If something is taken away from you, take it back with all your heart and then throw it away with force.
37.别说煽情的话，待会儿酒瓶一砸咱俩各回各家。
37. Don’t say sentimental words; after the bottle smashes, we’ll both go home.
38.身后空无一人，嚣张是我本性。
38. With no one behind me, arrogance is my nature.
39.像你这种人，在我导演的连续剧里，我最多能让你活两集。
39. For people like you, in the TV series I direct, I would only let you live for two episodes at most.
40.最近比较烦、比较烦烦烦烦！无聊的世界苍天，请赐我一死我睡觉去安静一下！
40. I’m quite annoyed lately, so annoyed! Boring world and heaven, please grant me death so I can sleep and be quiet!
41.你这么爱说风凉话，莫非你是风油精和清凉油生出来的？
41. You’re always making sarcastic remarks; could it be that you’re the offspring of Wind Oil and Cooling Oil?
42.又到了这个尴尬的季节，一个穿短袖的和一个穿棉袄的擦肩而过，互相在心底都说了句傻逼。
42. It’s that awkward season again when someone in short sleeves and someone in a cotton jacket pass by each other, secretly calling each other idiots.
43.我妈问我怎么在卫生间那么久不洗澡，我没敢告诉她，我路过镜子时被自己迷住了。
43. My mom asked why I was in the bathroom for so long without taking a shower. I didn’t dare tell her that I was captivated by my own reflection in the mirror.
44.我喜欢你就像我喜欢海，可我也不能去跳海，我可以去上海。
44. I like you just like I like the sea, but I can’t jump into the sea; I can go to Shanghai, though.
45.你总是，间歇性踌躇满志，持续性混吃等死，筹谋一天，躺尸一年。
45. You always have these moments of enthusiasm and determination, but then it’s back to a life of idleness and procrastination, planning for a day and doing nothing for a year.
46.亲爱的，你可得一定要相信我啊，我连坐船都头晕，更何况是脚踏两只船呢。
46. Darling, you must believe me. I get dizzy from riding on a boat, let alone dating two people at the same time.
47.麻麻说：我叛逆期怎么整她，她更年期就怎么整我。
47. Mom said: If I’m rebellious and give her a hard time during my rebellious phase, she’ll do the same to me during her menopausal years.
48.你总是，间歇性踌躇满志，持续性混吃等死，筹谋一天，躺尸一年。
48. You always have these moments of enthusiasm and determination, but then it’s back to a life of idleness and procrastination, planning for a day and doing nothing for a year.
49.给自己讲了个晚安故事，情节跌宕起伏扣人心弦，现在入戏太深还在追查凶手没有一点睡意。
49. I told myself a bedtime story, and the plot was so thrilling and suspenseful that I’m still too engrossed in finding the culprit to fall asleep.
50.你若军训，便是晴天。你若放假，便是雨天。你若发奋写作业，便是开学前一天！
50. If you have military training, it’s sunny. If you have a vacation, it rains. If you’re determined to finish your homework, it’s the day before school starts!
51.老师总是叫我们不要说谎，一到上面来检查时就教我们说谎。
51. Teachers always tell us not to lie, but when there’s an inspection, they teach us to lie.
52.如果我是僵尸，我一定择吃掉所有好学生的脑。
52. If I were a zombie, I would choose to eat the brains of all the good students.
53.这个夏天出门就是进烤箱、走路就是麻辣烫、坐下就是铁板烧、还是别下雨了、下雨就成水煮鱼。
53. This summer, going outside is like entering an oven, walking is like eating spicy hot pot, sitting down is like having an iron板烧, and I’d rather not have rain because then it feels like being boiled in fish soup.
54.如果逃避就能不去面对的话，请送我一双溜冰鞋，让我跑的更快。
54. If escaping could help me avoid facing problems, please give me a pair of ice skates so I can run faster.
55.每一个长期减肥未成功的女子，身边都有一个多年增肥无效的闺蜜。
55. Every woman who has been trying to lose weight for years without success has a best friend who has been trying to gain weight for years without success.
56.帅多好啊!有士陪，有相日!有马骑，有车坐。还有兵保护。
56. It’s great to be handsome! You have company from soldiers, enjoy days with ministers, ride horses, and travel by car. Plus, there are soldiers to protect you.
57.自从人晒黑了，脸色好看了，牙齿变白了，喝酒都不脸红了。
57. Ever since I tanned, my complexion has improved, my teeth look whiter, and I don’t even blush when drinking alcohol.
58.一直对发型不满意的人，有一个共同点：不肯承认这是脸的问题。
58. People who are never satisfied with their hairstyles have one thing in common: they refuse to admit that it’s an issue with their face.
59.永远都不要跟同一个傻子争辩，因为争辩到最后，会分不清谁是傻子。
59. Never argue with the same fool, because in the end, you won’t be able to tell who the fool is.
60.这个世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
60. In this world, I only trust two people: one is me, and the other is not you.
61.我上了床就和野兽一样，具体来说像考拉，一睡就是18个小时。
61. Once I get into bed, I become like a wild animal, specifically like a koala, sleeping for 18 hours straight.
62.什么是安全感？就是做完题，有学霸和你念出了一样的答案。
62. What is a sense of security? It’s when you finish a question and a top student says the same answer as you.
63.世界上最远的距离不是天涯和海角，而是老师在讲第四章，学霸在自学第八章，而我在看目录！
63. The longest distance in the world is not the ends of the earth, but when the teacher is lecturing on Chapter 4, the top student is self-studying Chapter 8, and I’m just reading the table of contents!
64.冬天，脚在被窝里每伸向一块新地方，都是一场探险。
64. In winter, every time my feet reach a new spot in the blanket, it’s like an adventure.
65.为什么我的眼里常含泪水，因为我他妈困得要死。
65. Why are there always tears in my eyes? Because I’m so damn sleepy.
66.一醉汉不慎从三楼掉下，引来路人围观，一警察过来:发生什么事？醉汉：不清楚，我也是刚到！
66. A drunk man accidentally falls from the third floor, attracting a crowd. A police officer comes over and asks, “What happened?” Drunk man: “No idea, I just got here too!”
67.承诺就像女人说要减肥一样，经常说却很难做到，一切都是假的话。
67. Promises are like women saying they want to lose weight; they often say it but find it hard to do, and everything is just fake.
68.假如我是神笔马良的话，我会画一个井，把你放进去，再画个盖子。
68. If I were Ma Liang with the magic brush, I would draw a well, put you in it, and then draw a lid.
69.所有不想当方丈的神父，一定不是好道长！
69. All priests who don’t want to be abbots are definitely not good Taoist priests!
70.你不拿我当回事，对不起，我也没把你当人看，我告诉你，别把我逼到这份上。
70. If you don’t take me seriously, I’m sorry, but I don’t see you as a human either. I’m telling you, don’t push me to this point.
71.天若有情天亦老，动我兄弟全部放倒！
71. If heaven has feelings, it will grow old too; anyone who messes with my brother will be taken down!
72.你走了，我很痛苦，以后放的屁只有我一个人闻了。
72. You left, and I’m in pain; now I’ll have to smell my own farts alone.
73.别夸我，真的，尤其别夸我帅，我怕我受不了，这辈子都要跟你走。
73. Don’t praise me, really, especially don’t say I’m handsome, or I might not be able to handle it and follow you for the rest of my life.
74.用室友手机搜东西，看见搜索历史中有一条——如何强奸室友？当时脸都吓绿了！
74. I used my roommate’s phone to search for something and saw a search history entry - “How to rape a roommate?” My face turned green with fear!
75.嘴上污的人，一般都是在掩盖内心的正直。
75. People who talk dirty usually cover up their inner righteousness.
76.什么叫成熟，你妈没逼你，你就穿上秋裤了。什么叫青春，你妈逼着你，你还是不穿秋裤。
76. What is maturity? It’s when your mom doesn’t have to force you, and you put on your long johns. What is youth? It’s when your mom forces you, but you still refuse to wear long johns.
77.年轻人不要老想着天上会掉馅饼，要脚踏实地，也许地上会捡到钱呢？
77. Young people shouldn’t always think that the sky will drop pies; be down-to-earth, maybe you’ll find money on the ground.
78.年纪轻轻，体重倒是不轻。余额不多，想买的倒是不少。
78. At a young age, I’m not light in weight. With little balance, I still want to buy a lot.
79.可以触摸的痛苦是什么？就是我觉得肚子都饿扁了，一摸还是有一坨肉。
79. What is tangible pain? It’s when I feel my stomach is completely empty, but when I touch it, there’s still a lump of fat.
80.明天愚人节，老师说要上课，我越想越不得劲，“不行！不能去上课！”
80. Tomorrow is April Fool’s Day, and the teacher said we have to attend class. The more I think about it, the more uneasy I feel, “No way! I can’t go to class!”
81.长大了要嫁给唐僧，能玩就玩，不能玩就把他吃掉。
81. When I grow up, I want to marry Tang Seng, play with him if possible, and eat him if not.
82.暑假前信誓旦旦的说我要减肥，暑假后没瘦还胖了！
82. Before the summer vacation, I vowed to lose weight, but after the vacation, I didn’t lose weight, I gained weight!
83.小时候我很纠结是上清华还是北大、现在看来我多想了。
83. When I was a child, I was torn between going to Tsinghua or Peking University; now it seems I thought too much.
84.听说看武打片能减肥，因为里面经常说，你快受（瘦）死吧！
84. I heard watching martial arts films can help lose weight because they often say, “You’re about to suffer (get thin) and die!”
85.午夜12点准时下线!否则，公主就会变回灰姑娘。
85. Log off at midnight sharp! Otherwise, the princess will turn back into Cinderella.
86.不管多大岁数的人类成员，在钱面前，一概年轻。
86. Regardless of age, human beings are all young in front of money.
87.鸭子太嚣张，兔子太多嘴，我是猪，我很乖。
87. Ducks are too arrogant, rabbits talk too much, I am a pig, and I am well-behaved.
88.日照香芦升子烟，李白来到烤鸭店，口水直流三千尺，一模兜里没有钱。
88. Sunlight rises with the fragrance of reeds, Li Bai arrives at the roast duck shop, his mouth watering for three thousand feet, but he has no money in his pocket.
89.我想当皇帝，怕罗嗦；想当官，怕事多；想吃饭，怕刷锅；真想揍你一顿，怕惹祸。
89. I want to be an emperor, but I’m afraid of nagging; I want to be an official, but I’m afraid of too much work; I want to eat, but I’m afraid of washing dishes; I really want to beat you up, but I’m afraid of causing trouble.
90.男人忽悠女人，叫调戏；女人忽悠男人，叫勾引；男女相互忽悠，叫爱情。
90. Men deceiving women is called teasing; women deceiving men is called seducing; men and women deceiving each other is called love.
91.人生没有彩排，每天都是直播；不仅收视率低，而且工资不高。
91. There is no rehearsal in life, every day is a live broadcast; not only is the viewership low, but the salary is also low.
92.哪里跌倒，哪里爬起。老是在那里跌倒，我怀疑那里有个坑！
92. Get up where you fall. If I always fall there, I suspect there is a pit!
93.我不是广场上算卦的，唠不出那么多你爱听的嗑。
93. I am not a fortune teller in the square, and I can’t chatter so much about what you like to hear.
94.坏人需要实力，败类更需要品位。
94. Bad guys need strength, and the despicable ones need taste.
95.时间是用来流浪的，身躯是用来相爱的，生命是用来遗忘的，而灵魂，是用来歌唱的。
95. Time is for wandering, bodies are for loving, lives are for forgetting, and souls are for singing.
96.种草不让人去躺，不如改种仙人掌！
96. If you don’t allow people to lie down on the grass, it’s better to plant cactus instead!
97.混社会是个体力活儿，讲究四门功课：闪转腾挪。
97. Mixing in society is a physical job, focusing on four skills: dodging, turning, leaping, and moving.
98.每当冲锋号响起，我就赶紧躲进壕沟里，因为：我是卧底！
98. Whenever the charge bugle sounds, I quickly hide in the trench because: I am an undercover agent!
99.就你这个样子，这个年龄，已经跌破发行价了。
99. With your appearance and age, you have already fallen below the issue price.
100.你走你的过街天桥，我过我的地下通道。
100. You take your overpass, and I’ll take my underground passage.
1.我的袜子全是洞，我的未来不是梦。
1. My socks are full of holes, but my future is not a dream.
2.我也曾青春逼人，可惜现在青春没了，就剩这么个逼人了。
2. I used to be a charming young man, but now my youth is gone, leaving only this charming person.
3.我对你的深情无法付诸语言，除了一句“滚一边去”。
3. My deep feelings for you cannot be expressed in words, except for “Go away.”
4.对于姑娘来说：出来混，迟早是要怀的。
4. For girls: if you play around, sooner or later you will get pregnant.
5.天涯何处无牛粪，何必单恋一坨屎。
5. There is cow dung everywhere in the world, so why be infatuated with just one pile of shit?
6.如果有一天全世界的男人来月经了，我会去卖卫生经。
6. If one day all the men in the world get their periods, I will sell sanitary pads.
7.以后不要在我面前说英文，OK？
7. Don’t speak English in front of me anymore, OK?
8.如果男人不帮你穿上婚纱，你就送他件袈裟。
8. If a man doesn’t help you put on your wedding dress, just give him a cassock.
9.我可没说你不要脸，我是说不要脸的都是你这样的。
9. I didn’t say you have no shame; I’m saying that those who have no shame are like you.
10.装逼只是瞬间，不要脸才是永恒。
10. Pretending to be cool is just a momentary thing, but having no shame is eternal.
11.有些事情无须抬杠，表面服从偷偷反抗。
11. There is no need to argue over some things; just comply on the surface and secretly resist.
12.我喝酒是想把痛苦溺死，但这该死的痛苦却学会了游泳。
12. I drink to drown my sorrows, but the damned sorrows have learned how to swim.
13.若不弃，此生不离，若嫌弃，死一边去。
13. If you don’t abandon me, we will never part; if you despise me, just die.
14.上帝给了我们七情六欲，我们却把它们变成了色情和暴力。
14. God gave us seven emotions and six desires, but we turned them into pornography and violence.
15.遇到你之前，我的世界是黑白的，遇到你之后，哇塞！全黑了……
15. Before I met you, my world was black and white; after meeting you, wow! It’s completely dark…
16.现在的社会，插队都得排队。
16. In today’s society, even cutting in line requires waiting in line.
17.三人行必有我妻，选其美者而取之。
17. When three people walk together, one of them must be my wife; I’ll choose the prettiest one.
18.穷耐克，富阿迪，流氓一身阿玛尼。
18. Poor people wear Nike, rich people wear Adidas, and gangsters wear Armani.
19.苹果最光荣的一刻就是砸在了牛顿的头上。
19. The most glorious moment for an apple was when it hit Newton’s head.
20.说谎是男人的特权，被骗是女人的专利…
20. Lying is a man’s privilege, and being deceived is a woman’s patent…
21.爷不是你的小浣熊，玩不出你的其乐无穷。
21. I’m not your little raccoon, unable to bring you endless joy.
22.每个人都是囚犯，电话号码就是编号。
22. Everyone is a prisoner, and phone numbers are their identification numbers.
23.如果命运抓住了伱的喉咙，伱就挠命运嘚胳肢窝。
23. If fate grabs you by the throat, you should tickle its armpits.
24.我的未来不是梦，我的未来是做恶梦！
24. My future is not a dream, it’s a nightmare!
25.我觉得你真的不是个合格的朋友，你还是改行做我老婆吧！
25. I think you’re really not a qualified friend; you should switch to being my wife!
26.哥脸上的那绝对不是痘，那叫青春。
26. What’s on my face is not acne; it’s called youth.
27.如果你在大街上大吼一声”贱人“绝对比叫一句美女回头率来的高!
27. If you shout “bitch” on the street, it’ll definitely get a higher turn rate than calling someone beautiful!
28.现在的花心，是因为当初的比任何人都用心。
28. Today’s infidelity is due to the utmost dedication in the past.
29.人生苦短，必须性感。
29. Life is short; we must be sexy.
30.虽然你身上喷了古龙水，但我还是能隐约闻到一股人渣味儿。
30. Although you’ve sprayed cologne on yourself, I can still vaguely smell the scent of a scumbag.
31.你那副正经的样子，貌似真的听懂人话呐！
31. Your serious expression seems like you really understand human language!
32.有一种态度叫有情犯贱，有一种状态叫没事找抽。
32. There’s an attitude called affectionate humiliation, and a state called asking for trouble.
33.神州行我看行，我不缴费看你行不行。
33. China Mobile works for me; let’s see if it works without payment.
34.我觉得打电话挺好的，这样说的每句话都是值钱的。
34. I think making phone calls is great, as every word spoken is valuable.
35.其实我很宅，只是宅在谁家里的问题。
35. In fact, I’m quite a homebody; it’s just a matter of whose house I’m staying at.
36.白驼山壮骨粉，挨一刀涂一包，包你想挨第二刀…
36. Baituoshan Ointment for Strong Bones: Apply one packet after a cut, and you’ll want a second cut…
37.你现在过得好吗？如果你过得不好我也就安心了。
37. How are you doing now? If you’re not doing well, I’ll be relieved.
38.新时代的女性，上的了厅堂，翻的了围墙，斗的了小三，打的了流氓，就是下不了厨房。
38. Modern women can handle the living room, climb fences, fight mistresses, defeat thugs, but can’t enter the kitchen.
39.谁他二大爷的告诉我诺基亚能砸核桃，现在黑屏了。
39. Who the hell told me that Nokia phones can crack walnuts? Now it’s black-screened.
40.每次看到情侣，我就会唱那首歌，”分手快乐，祝你快乐”。
40. Every time I see a couple, I sing that song, “Happy Breakup, I Wish You Happiness.”
41.老人不能打小孩，不能打女人，不能打男人往死里打。
41. The elderly should not hit children, women, or men to the point of death.
42.如果领导下个月再不给我加薪，我就辞职，辞职前再给他送两条中华，抽死他。
42. If my leader doesn’t give me a raise next month, I’ll resign and send him two packs of Zhonghua cigarettes before I leave, so he can smoke himself to death.
43.我娘说浪子回头金不换，谁给我金子？我换。
43. My mother said that a prodigal son who returns is more valuable than gold, but who will give me the gold? I’ll make the change.
44.爷爷都是从孙子走过来的……
44. Grandfathers were once grandsons…
45.你说你是我朋友，其实我知道，动物的确是人类的朋友。
45. You say you are my friend, but I know that animals are indeed friends of humans.
46.喜欢我的人都是好人。不喜欢我的人都是坏人。讨厌我的都不是人。
46. Those who like me are good people. Those who don’t like me are bad people. Those who hate me are not even human.
47.我跟伍佰不熟，他弟弟二百五跟我很熟。
47. I’m not close with Wu Bai, but I’m very close with his brother, Er Bai Wu.
48.我建议大家对我的长相，理解为主，欣赏为辅。
48. I suggest that when it comes to my appearance, understanding should be the main focus, and appreciation should be secondary.
49.结束友情的方式有许多种，最彻底的一种是借钱不还。
49. There are many ways to end a friendship, and the most thorough one is to borrow money and not pay it back.
50.暗恋就是没有配高射炮的雷达，默默地锁定了敌机。
50. Secret love is like a radar without an anti-aircraft gun, silently locking onto the enemy aircraft.
51.在猪圈里，你不必讲究人类的礼仪。
51. In a pigsty, you don’t need to follow human etiquette.
52.不求门当户对，只求感觉到位。
52. I don’t seek a perfect match, I just want the right feeling.
53.土是用来挖的，坑是用来埋你的。
53. Soil is for digging, and pits are for burying you.
54.永远都不要跟同一个傻子争辩，因为争辩到最后，会分不清谁是傻子。
54. Never argue with the same fool, because in the end, you won’t be able to tell who the fool is.
55.你到挺有个性，个不高性格还那么不好。
55. You do have a unique personality, but you’re not tall and your character is not so good.
56.没心没肺，能活百岁，问心无愧，做人不累。
56. If you have no worries and a clear conscience, you can live a long life without getting tired.
57.真怀念小时候啊，天热的时候我也可以像男人一样光膀子！
57. I really miss when I was a child, when I could take off my shirt like a man on hot days!
58.我看你就一专业织网的，而且专捕企鹅。
58. I think you’re a professional at weaving nets, and you specialize in catching penguins.
59.你别总日啊日的，你家老母狗都快怀孕了。
59. Don’t say “ri” all the time, or your old female dog will get pregnant soon.
60.虽然我不能菩度众生，但我可以祸害苍生。
60. Although I can’t help all living beings, I can bring disaster to all living beings.
61.勇于认错，坚决不改。
61. Admit mistakes bravely, but never change.
62.瘦不了的永远在骚动，吃不胖的都有恃无恐。
62. The ones who can never lose weight are always restless; those who can’t gain weight are fearless.
63.穿别人的鞋，走自己的路，让他们找去吧。
63. Wear other people’s shoes, walk your own path, and let them search for you.
64.不要乐观的像个屁一样，自以为能惊天动地。
64. Don’t be optimistic like a fart, thinking you can shake the heavens and move the earth.
65.三分天注定，七分靠打拼，还有九十分在老师那里。
65. Thirty percent is predestined, seventy percent depends on hard work, and the remaining ninety percent is with the teacher.
66.晚上想想千条路，早上起来走原路。
66. A thousand paths in the night, the same path in the morning.
67.我不需要你理解，只需要你闭嘴。
67. I don’t need you to understand, just shut up.
68.祖国的花朵，开一朵我踩一朵。
68. The flowers of the motherland, I’ll step on each one that blooms.
69.要不是老师说不能乱扔垃圾，不然我早把你扔出去了。
69. If the teacher didn’t say not to litter, I would have thrown you out long ago.
70.傻与不傻，要看你会不会装傻。
70. Whether you’re stupid or not depends on whether you know how to act stupid.
71.偷吃不是我的错，是我嘴巴的寂寞。
71. It’s not my fault for sneaking food, it’s just my mouth’s loneliness.
72.我不是优乐美，我只是敌敌畏，你想把我捧在手心么。
72. I’m not Jolly Rancher, I’m just DDT; do you want to hold me in your palm?
73.老板，有没有可乐？给我拿瓶雪碧……
73. Boss, do you have Coke? Give me a bottle of Sprite…
74.昨晚我拿你的承诺去喂狗，第二天早上发现狗死了。
74. Last night I fed your promise to the dog, and the next morning I found the dog dead.
75.每次写简历都会比以前更敬佩自己一些。
75. Every time I write a resume, I admire myself more than before.
76.你眼里的高压电，足够让我的手机用一年。
76. The high voltage in your eyes is enough to charge my phone for a year.
77.别以为你长的稀有样我们就应该物以稀为贵。
77. Don’t think that because you look rare, we should cherish you as a rare treasure.
78.青春啊，你太痘了！
78. Youth, you’re too full of acne!
79.每个宿舍都有一个磨牙的，一个说梦话的，一个打呼噜的，一个睡很晚的。
79. In every dormitory, there’s a teeth grinder, a talker in their sleep, a snorer, and a night owl.
80.师太，批上老纳的袈纱后，你就是老纳的人了。
80. Master, after putting on my kasaya, you’ll be mine.
81.如果说剪掉头发就是剪掉回忆，那我剪成光头是不是可以失忆？
81. If cutting hair means cutting memories, then if I shave my head, can I lose my memory?
82.本想华丽的转身，不料低调的撞墙。
82. I wanted to make a grand turn, but I bumped into the wall quietly.
83.春天我把男朋友种进地里，到了秋天，我就把这茬给忘了。
83. In spring, I planted my boyfriend in the ground, and by autumn, I had completely forgotten about it.
84.我对着镜子说，镜子，镜子，我是不是这个世界上最美丽的，镜子碎了。
84. I said to the mirror, “Mirror, mirror, am I the most beautiful in the world?” The mirror shattered.
85.世界上两件事最难：一是把自己的思想装进别人的脑袋，二是把别人的钱装进自己的口袋。前者成功了叫老师，后者成功了叫老板，两者都成功了可以叫老婆或大学或教堂！
85. The two hardest things in the world are: one, putting your thoughts into someone else’s mind; and two, putting other people’s money into your own pocket. If the former succeeds, you are called a teacher; if the latter succeeds, you are called a boss; if both succeed, you can be called a wife, a university, or a church!
86.我不是那种落井下石的人，我是直接把井封了。
86. I’m not the kind of person who throws a stone into the well; I just seal the well directly.
87.百度搜不到你，只好进搜狗！
87. I can’t find you on Baidu, so I have to use Sogou!
88.你长得如此多娇，引无数瞎子竞折腰。
88. You look so delicate, attracting countless blind men to compete in bowing down.
89.经常会从梦中惊醒，因为做了一个饿梦，好饿好饿的梦。
89. I often wake up from my dreams because I had a hungry dream, so hungry, so hungry.
90.男人被甩，金钱问题，女人被甩，面貌问题，我被甩，你他妈脑袋有问题。
90. Men are dumped for financial reasons, women are dumped for appearance reasons, and I’m dumped because you have a problem in your damn head.
91.如果你活着，早晚都会死，如果你死了，你就永远活着。
91. If you’re alive, you’ll die sooner or later; if you’re dead, you’ll live forever.
92.你玩你的自定义、我玩我的格式化。
92. You play your customization, and I play my formatting.
93.上学最开心听到的一句话就是：今天班主任不在。
93. The happiest thing to hear at school is: “The head teacher is not here today.”
94.每次你说我不够独立的时候、我都选择沉默。我很想告诉你、当我不再依赖你、就是你该滚的时候了。
94. Every time you say I’m not independent enough, I choose to be silent. I really want to tell you that when I no longer rely on you, it’s time for you to get lost.
95.男人最大的本事，就是把自己的女朋友放纵到别的男人都受不了。
95. A man’s greatest skill is to spoil his girlfriend so much that no other man can stand her.
96.别要不要分白天黑夜的在我面前犯贱。
96. Don’t be cheap in front of me, whether it’s day or night.
97.生活就像新闻联播，不是换台就能逃避的了的。
97. Life is like the news broadcast, you can’t escape by just changing the channel.
98.我是个特别的人，我是个平凡的人，所以我是个特别平凡的人。
98. I’m a special person, I’m an ordinary person, so I’m a particularly ordinary person.
99.妈妈说：就算吃醋也要装的跟喝了酱油似的，不能让别人瞧不起。
99. Mom said: “Even if you’re jealous, you have to pretend as if you’ve drunk soy sauce, so that others won’t look down on you.”
100.车道山前必有路，有路我也刹不住。
100. There must be a way when the road is blocked by the mountain, but even if there is a way, I can’t stop.
1.在野外遇到蛇怎么办？不要惊慌，面带温润的笑容撑起一把伞，假装是许仙。
1. If you encounter a snake in the wild, don’t panic, put on a warm smile, hold up an umbrella, and pretend to be Xu Xian.
2.昨天去市里参加放鸽子比赛，结果就我一个人去了。
2. Yesterday, I went to the city to participate in a pigeon racing competition, but I was the only one who showed up.
3.吃，我所欲也，瘦，亦我所欲也，二者不可得兼，我了个去也。
3. Eating is what I desire, and being thin is also what I desire, but I cannot have both, so forget it.
4.别以为我长的帅就认为我遥不可及高不可攀，其实我是海纳百川啊。
4. Don’t think that just because I’m handsome, I’m unapproachable and unreachable; actually, I’m as inclusive as the ocean.
5.有的人活着，她已经死了。有的人活着，他早该死了！
5. Some people are alive, but they’re already dead. Some people are alive, but they should have been dead long ago!
6.爱我，就给我穿上婚纱，然后再亲手扒光。
6. If you love me, put a wedding dress on me, and then take it off with your own hands.
7.避孕的效果：不成功，便成“人”。
7. The effectiveness of contraception: if not successful, it becomes a “person.”
8.谢你抢了我对象，让我知道他是人模狗样。
8. Thank you for stealing my partner, which made me realize he’s just a good-for-nothing.
9.我未来的女朋友，现在在和谁谈恋爱？
9. My future girlfriend, who is she dating now?
10.世界上的脑残这么多，可是你却成了其中的佼佼者。
10. There are so many mentally challenged people in the world, but you have become the best among them.
11.淑女就是未进化的比卡丘。绅士就是披着羊毛的狼。
11. A lady is an unevolved Pikachu. A gentleman is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
12.还没来得急沾花捻草，就已经被别人拔光了。
12. I haven’t even had the chance to flirt, and I’ve already been left with nothing.
13.当初我看上你，因为我脑子进水了，现在我脑子抖干了。
13. I was attracted to you because I had water on the brain; now my brain is dry.
14.你讲我坏话时能不能别添油加醋，以为炒菜啊。
14. When speaking ill of me, please don’t exaggerate, do you think you’re stir-frying?
15.没钱的时候，在家里吃野菜，有钱的时候，在酒店吃野菜。
15. When I have no money, I eat wild vegetables at home; when I have money, I eat wild vegetables at the hotel.
16.俺从不写措字，但俺写通假字！
16. I never write wrong characters, but I do write homophones!
17.勃起不是万能的，但不能勃起却是万万都不能的！
17. Erections are not omnipotent, but not being able to erect is absolutely impossible!
18.借朋友的车开，朋友说还的时候要给车加油。还车时，我冲车鼓了鼓掌。
18. I borrowed a friend’s car, and he said to fill up the gas when returning it. When I returned the car, I clapped for it.
19.给我一个女人，我可以创造一个民族，给我一瓶酒，我可以带领他们征服全世界！
19. Give me a woman, and I can create a nation; give me a bottle of wine, and I can lead them to conquer the world!
20.生下来的人没有怕死的，怕死的都没生下来，所以谁都别装横！
20. People who are born are not afraid of death; those who are afraid of death have not been born, so don’t act tough!
21.如果考试用QB做奖励，那么国家马上就会富强的。
21. If exams use QB as a reward, the country will become strong and prosperous immediately.
22.出淤泥而不染，再扎回淤泥，还不染。
22. Emerging from the mud unstained, and returning to the mud still unstained.
23.电视机，一个嘲笑孤独者的方盒子
23. Television, a square box that mocks the lonely.
24.哪怕幸福只露出一根线头，她有本事将它拽出来，织成一件毛衣。
24. Even if happiness only reveals a thread, she has the ability to pull it out and knit it into a sweater.
25.把漂亮当资本是愚蠢，把漂亮当能能源是智慧。
25. Regarding beauty as capital is foolish, regarding beauty as a source of energy is wise.
26.每当我找到了成功的钥匙，就有人把所给换了。
26. Every time I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27.你一出门，千山鸟飞绝，万径人踪灭。
27. As soon as you go out, a thousand mountains are devoid of birds, and ten thousand paths are devoid of people.
28.今天心情不好，我只有四句话想说，包括这句和前面的两句，我的话说完了。
28. I’m in a bad mood today, and I only have four sentences to say, including this one and the two before it. My words are finished.
29.好久没有人把牛皮吹的这么清新脱俗了！
29. It’s been a long time since someone has boasted so refreshing and unconventional!
30.我觉得地球好危险，我想火星了。
30. I think Earth is dangerous; I miss Mars.
31.哪家的名门之后啊，你爹是天蓬元帅啊！
31. Which prestigious family do you come from? Your father is Marshal Tian Peng!
32.水壶啊，你为什么哭泣，是因为屁股太烫了吗？
32. Kettle, why are you crying? Is it because your bottom is too hot?
33.风刮的真大，把我移动的手机信号都刮成联通的啦！
33. The wind is so strong that it has changed my mobile signal from Mobile to Unicom!
34.熬夜，是因为没有勇气结束这一天，赖床，是因为没有勇气开始这一天。
34. Staying up late is because I don’t have the courage to end the day; staying in bed is because I don’t have the courage to start the day.
35.我不但手气好，脚气也不错。
35. Not only am I lucky, but my feet are also lucky.
36.每次临时抱佛脚的时候，佛总是给我一脚。
36. Every time I try to seek help from Buddha at the last minute, Buddha gives me a kick.
37.他人笑我看不穿，我笑他人啥也不穿。
37. Others laugh at me for not seeing through things, while I laugh at them for wearing nothing.
38.人如果靠吃饭活着，那饭不叫饭，叫饲料。
38. If people live by eating, then that food is not called food, but fodder.
39.多亏我是个胖子，伤心时我可以捏捏肚子。
39. Fortunately, I am a fat person, so when I’m sad, I can pinch my belly.
40.那些说我不用减肥的人都是坏人。
40. Those who say I don’t need to lose weight are bad people.
41.不会到男装店找适合自己的“女装”。
41. I won’t go to a men’s clothing store to find “women’s clothing” that suits me.
42.本来准备今年瘦成一道闪电，亮瞎你们的眼，不想竟然胖成了坚果墙，挡住了你们的视线。
42. I was planning to become a lightning bolt this year, dazzling your eyes, but I unexpectedly became a nut wall, blocking your view.
43.浪漫出游时，不会把男朋友自行车的后带磨平
43. When going on a romantic trip, I won’t wear out the seat of my boyfriend’s bicycle.
44.夏天和男友一同逛街时，他不会老想走在你后面乘阴凉。
44. When strolling with my boyfriend in the summer, he won’t always want to walk behind me to enjoy the shade.
45.迎面走来的男士，错身，回头是因为欣赏而不是出于好奇。
45. When a man approaches, he turns around and looks back because of appreciation, not curiosity.
46.瘦出一张小脸，省了多少化妆品啊。
46. Having a small face saves so much makeup.
47.挤公车和地铁的时候，游刃有余。
47. When taking public transportation, there’s plenty of room to maneuver.
48.卧梅又闻花，卧枝伤恨低。邀闻卧石碎，卧湿达春绿。
48. Lying among the plum blossoms, I smell the flowers; lying on the branch, I feel the pain and sorrow. Lying on the broken stone, I hear it shatter; lying in the dampness, I reach the greenery of spring.
49.人生不能像做菜、把所有的料都准备好才下锅。
49. Life can’t be like cooking; you can’t wait until all the ingredients are ready before starting to cook.
50.如果你容不下我，不是你的心胸太狭小，就是我的人格太伟大。
50. If you can’t tolerate me, it’s either because your heart is too narrow or because my personality is too great.
51.铁杵能磨成针，但木杵只能磨成牙签，材料不对，再努力也没用。
51. An iron rod can be ground into a needle, but a wooden rod can only be ground into a toothpick. If the material is wrong, no amount of effort will help.
52.听说女人如衣服，兄弟如手足。回想起来，我竟然七手八脚的裸奔了20年!
52. I’ve heard that women are like clothes, and brothers are like hands and feet. Looking back, I’ve been running around naked with eight hands and feet for 20 years!
53.我不是随便的人，我随便起来不是人。
53. I’m not a casual person, but when I get casual, I’m not human.
54.小姐，对不起，我长得不帅。但不是每个女人都有机会。
54. Excuse me, miss, I’m not handsome. But not every woman has the opportunity.
55.不是哥迷恋传说，只是传说太美。
55. It’s not that I’m infatuated with legends; it’s just that the legends are too beautiful.
56.哥只不过是个局，而你却入了迷。
56. I’m just a game, but you’ve become addicted.
57.不要迷恋哥，嫂子才是传说。
57. Don’t be infatuated with me; your sister-in-law is the legend.
58.又帅又车，那是象棋，有钱有房，那是银行。
58. Handsome and with a car, that’s chess; rich and with a house, that’s a bank.
59.上帝创造了处女，我创造了妇女。
59. God created virgins; I created women.
60.放眼过去全是货，老妹你想跟谁过。
60. Looking around, there are all kinds of goods; little sister, who do you want to spend your life with?
61.别拿你弹视频的速度，来挑战哥拉黑的技术。
61. Don’t challenge my blocking skills with the speed of your video playback.
62.狐狸不是妖、性感不是骚。
62. A fox is not a demon, and sexiness is not vulgarity.
63.各种姿势，各种招。各种澎湃，各种飘。
63. Various poses, various tricks. Various excitement, various floating.
64.喊疼的不一定是处女，但勾引男人的一定是婊子。
64. The one who cries out in pain is not necessarily a virgin, but the one who seduces men is definitely a slut.
65.女人混的好、是嫂子，混不好，是婊子。
65. A woman who gets along well is a sister-in-law, and one who doesn’t is a slut.
66.小鸟虽小，可它玩的确是整个天空。
66. Though a little bird is small, it plays with the entire sky.
67.黄瓜必须拍，人生必须嗨。
67. Cucumbers must be smashed, and life must be lively.
68.爱情不过是寂寞时、扯把美丽的犊子。
68. Love is just a beautiful lie when one is lonely.
69.距离产生的不是美，而是第三者。
69. Distance doesn’t create beauty, but rather a third party.
70.小三的威力、一般人貌似抵挡不住。
70. The power of a mistress seems to be irresistible for ordinary people.
71.每个女人总会为某一个男人而下贱。
71. Every woman will eventually stoop for a certain man.
72.人生就像打电话，不是你先挂，就是我先挂！
72. Life is like making a phone call, either you hang up first or I do.
73.人不可貌相，小三不可斗量。
73. One should not judge by appearances, and a mistress should not be underestimated.
74.货有过期日，人有看腻时。你在我心里，能牛逼几时。
74. Goods have an expiration date, and people have a time when they grow tired of things. How long can you be awesome in my heart?
75.当有人在装酷时，姐都会低下头。不是姐修养好，姐只是在找砖头。
75. When someone is acting cool, I will lower my head. It’s not because I have good manners, but because I’m looking for a brick.
76.年少时的你我因为没有学好爱情这门功课而变出了错误百出的答卷。
76. In our youth, you and I made countless mistakes in the exam of love because we didn’t learn it well.
77.感情的傻子，不会介意爱一个疯子。
77. A fool in love won’t mind loving a madman.
78.如果世界上真的有像小说里一样的男主角，那世界，就真的玄幻了！
78. If there really were male protagonists like in novels, the world would be truly fantastical!
79.如果我的考试成绩能像房价涨得那么快，那么这个世界该有多可爱。
79. If my exam scores could rise as fast as housing prices, how lovely the world would be.
80.广告看的好好的，突然蹦出个电视剧来…郁闷…
80. I was watching a commercial just fine when suddenly a TV drama popped up… So frustrating…
81.世上最美的事，就是吃饱了睡觉有空调。
81. The most beautiful thing in the world is to have a full meal, sleep, and have air conditioning.
82.胸大未必嫁潘安，胸小也能钓彦祖。
82. Big breasts don’t necessarily marry Pan An, and small chests can also hook Yan Zu.
83.整天看《还珠格格》，我都有点同情容嬷嬷了。
83. Watching “My Fair Princess” all day makes me feel a bit sympathetic towards Rong Ma.
84.空山新雨后，自挂东南枝，欲穷千里目，自挂东南枝，天生我材必有用，各种自挂东南枝。
84. After the rain in the empty mountains, hang yourself on the southeast branch; to see a thousand miles, hang yourself on the southeast branch; I am born with talents that must be useful, hanging myself on the southeast branch in various ways.
85.上课可以治疗同学们的失眠。
85. Attending class can cure classmates’ insomnia.
86.被傻子喜欢也是总炫耀。
86. Being liked by a fool is also a kind of boasting.
87.似花似水似你妈，倾国倾城倾你爸。
87. Like flowers, like water, like your mom; captivating the country, captivating the city, captivating your dad.
88.我厌恶骨子里的优柔寡断。
88. I despise the indecision in my bones.
89.私奔的缩写是SB，AV在键盘后面跟的还是SB。
89. The abbreviation for eloping is SB, and AV followed by SB on the keyboard.
90.今天吃饭前照常看了一下菜，天啊！今天没有肉。
90. Before eating today, I checked the dishes as usual, oh my god! There’s no meat today.
91.我算不算个性，当然。
91. Am I unique? Of course.
92.你抓着你的鸡爪指着我干嘛知不知道我喜欢泡椒味的不喜欢人渣味的。
92. Why are you pointing at me with your chicken claws? Don’t you know I like the taste of pickled pepper, not the taste of scum.
93.我的未来不是梦，我的未来是噩梦。
93. My future is not a dream, my future is a nightmare.
94.大哥，把你脸上的分辨率调低点好吗？
94. Big brother, can you lower the resolution on your face, please?
95.挤在北京，给首都添麻烦了……
95. Being squeezed in Beijing, causing trouble for the capital…
96.如果你是一个胖纸，记住不要围红色的围巾。不然你会很像QQ。
96. If you are a chubby person, remember not to wear a red scarf. Otherwise, you will look like QQ.
97.女施主，贫僧修为尚浅，还不能隔衣为你疗伤，得罪了。
97. Female benefactor, my cultivation is still shallow, and I cannot heal your injuries through your clothes. I apologize.
98.你等着吧，总有一天我会让你成为我未来儿子的妈妈。
98. Just you wait, one day I will make you the mother of my future son.
99.人活着是为什么？就为了那一张张伟大的毛爷爷。
99. What is the purpose of living? It’s all for those great Chairman Mao notes.
100.我想说我就一苦逼，世界末日的那天就是我的生日。
100. I want to say I’m just a loser, and the day of the end of the world is my birthday.
2.我长不高的原因大概是因为一直在迷你。
2. The reason why I don’t grow tall is probably because I have been in Mini.
3.古九尾狐狸有九命，分别亡于语数外政史地理化生。
3. The ancient nine-tailed fox has nine lives, each died from language, math, foreign languages, politics, history, geography, chemistry, and biology.
4.先定个小目标，比方说今年先嫁张继科。
4. Set a small goal first, for example, marry Zhang Jike this year.
5.现在你补作业时流的泪，就是你浪的时候脑子进的水。
5. The tears you shed while catching up on homework are the water that entered your brain when you were fooling around.
6.你脸那么大，一定是这个世界上最给我面子的人。
6. Your face is so big, you must be the person who gives me the most face in this world.
7.上帝是很公平的，他让你过了光棍节，就不会让你过情人节！
7. God is fair, if he lets you celebrate Singles’ Day, he won’t let you celebrate Valentine’s Day!
8.用实践证明，混不好发誓不回去了。
8. Practice proves that if you can’t get along well, you won’t go back on your oath.
9.做作业，做一夜，坐一夜，做一页。
9. Do homework, for a whole night, sit for a whole night, and complete one page.
10.钱包，你怎么了钱包，回答我钱包，你怎么又瘦了，醒醒丫。
10. Wallet, what’s wrong with you, wallet, answer me, why have you become thinner again, wake up.
11.给我订两张去天庭的机票、我要去找月老谈谈。
11. Book two tickets to heaven for me, I want to go and talk to the Matchmaker.
12.人家有的是背景儿，我有的只是背影儿。
12. Others have backgrounds, but I only have a silhouette.
13.起的比鸡早，睡的比猫晚，赚的比秃子的毛还少。
13. Wake up earlier than a rooster, sleep later than a cat, and earn less than a bald man’s hair.
14.打个小麻将，吃个麻辣烫。找个小对象，生活就这样。
14. Play a small game of mahjong, eat some spicy hot pot, find a small partner, and life is like this.
15.当江湖有了传说，不满城风雨，是对不起观众的。
15. When the world has legends, it would be a shame not to have a storm in the city.
16.凡事皆有代价，快乐的代价便是痛苦。
16. Everything has a price, and the price of happiness is pain.
17.我是心眼小，但是不缺，我是脾气好，但不是没有！
17. I have a small mind, but it’s not lacking; I have a good temper, but it’s not non-existent!
18.黑夜给了我一双黑色的眼睛，可我却用它来翻白眼。
18. The night gave me a pair of black eyes, but I use them to roll my eyes.
19.我是个演员，一看见漂亮MM眼就圆。
19. I’m an actor, and my eyes become round when I see a pretty girl.
20.给我一个支点，我把邻居那小子的汽车翘到沟里去，省得他见我就按喇叭。
20. Give me a fulcrum, and I’ll lever that neighbor kid’s car into the ditch, so he won’t honk at me when he sees me.
21.我还年青，需要指点。但是，不需要您对我指指点点…
21. I’m still young and need guidance, but I don’t need you to point fingers at me…
22.请不要把我对你的容忍，当成你不要脸的资本。
22. Please don’t take my tolerance of you as your shameless capital.
23.你匍匐在地上仰视别人，就不能怪人家站得笔直俯视你。
23. If you grovel on the ground and look up at others, you can’t blame them for standing tall and looking down at you.
24.下雨了，别忘了打伞，湿身是小，淋病就麻烦啦！
24. It’s raining, don’t forget to open your umbrella. Getting wet is minor; catching a cold would be troublesome!
25.活了二十多年，没能为祖国为人民做点什么，每思及此，伤心欲绝。
25. Having lived for over twenty years, I haven’t been able to do anything for my country and people. Whenever I think about this, I feel heartbroken.
26.将薪比薪的想一下，算了，不想活了。
26. Comparing salaries, let’s just forget it. I don’t even want to live anymore.
27.所谓的单纯，长了翅膀的就是天使，没长翅膀的就是白痴。
27. So-called innocence: if you have wings, you’re an angel; without wings, you’re an idiot.
28.与其混，与其熬，不如二，不如飙。
28. Instead of loafing or enduring, it’s better to be second or go full throttle.
29.吃货的人生就像一列火车，总结起来就是，逛吃，逛吃，逛吃。
29. A foodie’s life is like a train, which can be summed up as: shopping and eating, shopping and eating, shopping and eating.
30.诸葛亮出山前也没带过兵啊，你们凭啥要我有工作经验！
30. Zhuge Liang didn’t lead troops before he came out of the mountains; why do you expect me to have work experience?
31.不要同没有素质的人争论，因为那就像与猪摔跤，赢了不光荣，输了更丢人。
31. Don’t argue with people who lack quality because it’s like wrestling with a pig. Winning is not glorious, and losing is even more humiliating.
32.给我订两张去天庭的机票，我要亲自找月老，逼着他给我牵一条红线。
32. Book me two tickets to heaven. I want to find the Matchmaker God personally and force him to tie a red thread for me.
33.每年夏天晒黑了，我总是会想“没事，冬天就修复好了”。
33. Every summer when I get tanned, I always think, “No worries, it will be fixed by winter.”
34.遗传学淡定的告诉我们：跨物种恋爱注定是没有好结果的。
34. Genetics calmly tells us: interspecies love is doomed to have no good outcome.
35.你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
35. You might as well let me kneel on a washboard because I can’t stand kneeling on an electric heater!
36.女人一生最喜欢两朵花：一是有钱花，二是尽量花！
36. In a woman’s life, she loves two kinds of flowers: one is spending money, and the other is trying to spend as much as possible!
37.两只鸳鸯同命鸟，一对蝴蝶可怜虫。
37. Two mandarin ducks are birds with the same fate; a pair of butterflies are pitiful creatures.
38.天上掉钞票我不会弯腰，因为天上连馅饼都不会掉，更别说掉钞票了。
38. I won’t bend down to pick up banknotes falling from the sky because even pies don’t fall from the sky, let alone banknotes.
39.是人都有阴暗面，如果你偏说你很单纯，那我只能说，你不是人！
39. Everyone has a dark side. If you insist on saying you’re innocent, then I can only say, you’re not human!
40.有时候，除了谎言是真的，其它全是假的！
40. Sometimes, apart from lies, everything else is fake!
41.鸳鸯戏水，都他妈淹死；比翼双飞，都他妈摔死！
41. Mandarin ducks playing in water all drown; birds flying wing to wing all crash and die!
42.明星脱一点就能更出名，我脱的光光的却被抓起来了！
42. Celebrities become more famous when they strip a little, but I got arrested when I stripped completely naked!
43.暧昧就是我找你借钱，你没说借，也没说不借，而是只说你老公不在家……
43. Ambiguity is like when I ask you for a loan, and instead of saying yes or no, you only mention that your husband is not at home…
44.俗话说：你笑，全世界都跟着你笑；你哭，全世界只有你一个人哭。
44. As the saying goes: When you laugh, the whole world laughs with you; when you cry, only you cry alone.
45.当我看见美女的时候，首先摸摸兜里，看看有没有钱！
45. When I see a beautiful woman, I first check my pocket to see if I have any money!
46.你矮是终身的，我胖却是暂时的。
46. Your short stature is lifelong, but my being fat is only temporary.
47.你说，哪天我不要你了，你一定终身不嫁，让我内疚。
47. You said that if one day I don’t want you anymore, you will never marry, making me feel guilty.
48.你美中不足的是，就是有太多的不足了。
48. The only flaw in your beauty is that there are too many flaws.
49.车到山前必有路，哪怕山前拆车卖轱辘。
49. When the car reaches the mountain, there must be a road, even if it means dismantling the car and selling the wheels.
50.在这低调的世界里，我不得不用高调来掩饰自己。
50. In this low-profile world, I have no choice but to use a high-profile to cover myself.
51.会演戏的不一定都是演员，会装的一定就是孙子。
51. Not all actors are good at acting, but those who can pretend are definitely grandkids.
52.不听老人言，死在我面前，唔唔唔！
52. If you don’t listen to the elderly, die in front of me, mumble mumble mumble!
53.在家不能对着手机笑，家长会以为你在恋爱。
53. At home, don’t laugh at your phone, or your parents will think you’re in love.
54.不管瘦的时候美成啥样，胖了之后都一个德行。
54. No matter how beautiful you are when you’re thin, once you’re fat, you all look the same.
55.生活就像忐忑，没有准确的歌词，却惊心动魄。
55. Life is like a忐忑 (nervous) song, with no accurate lyrics, yet it’s thrilling.
56.烟熏装很美，让我成了众人举目的熊猫。
56. Smoky makeup is beautiful, making me the panda that everyone notices.
57.谁说我白，瘦，漂亮，我就跟他做好朋友。
57. If anyone says I’m white, thin, and beautiful, I’ll be their best friend.
58.洗澡中，请勿打扰，偷窥请购票，个体四十，团体八折！
58. Taking a shower, do not disturb, peeping is allowed with a ticket, individual ticket is 40, group discount is 20% off!
59.师太，你等着，老衲去让佛祖赐婚！
59. Nun, wait for me, I’ll go ask the Buddha for a marriage blessing!
60.我太纯洁了，我纯洁的都有些无耻了！
60. I’m so pure that my purity is a bit shameless!
61.穿潮了，潮过头就是非主流，穿性感，性感过头就是坐台的。
61. Wearing trendy clothes, if it’s too much, it becomes non-mainstream; wearing sexy clothes, if it’s too much, it becomes like a hostess.
62.我的进步让他刮目相看，从此他失去了双眼。
62. My progress made him look at me with new eyes, and since then, he lost his eyesight.
63.我说我比较喜欢李白的诗，陆游气坏了，然后我家就没法上网了。
63. I said I preferred Li Bai’s poetry, Lu You got angry, and then my home lost internet access.
64.心狠手辣的我，舔了一下自己的手指，被辣哭了。
64. I, with a ruthless heart and a hot temper, licked my own finger and was辣 (spicy) to tears.
65.老师的教诲，小明没齿难忘，于是第二天，他镶了一副假牙。
65. The teacher’s teachings, Xiao Ming never forgot, so the next day, he got a pair of false teeth.
66.愚公临死前，把儿子叫到床前。愚公：移山移山!儿子：亮晶晶?愚公猝
66. Before Yu Gong died, he called his son to his bedside. Yu Gong: “Move the mountain, move the mountain!” Son: “Twinkle, twinkle?” Yu Gong died.
67.如果考试用QB做奖励，那么国家马上就会富强的。
67. If exams used QB as rewards, the country would become strong and prosperous immediately.
68.今天天气很好，在房间里宅久了，准备去客厅散散心。
68. The weather is very nice today. After staying in the room for a long time, I’m going to the living room to relax.
69.提问：为什么暑假一定比寒假长?回答：因为热胀冷缩。
69. Question: Why is summer vacation always longer than winter vacation? Answer: Because of thermal expansion and contraction.
70.心情不好的时候，我就半夜给别人打骚扰电话，把他们吵醒了，我就睡觉。
70. When I’m in a bad mood, I make prank calls to others in the middle of the night. After waking them up, I go to sleep.
71.人干点好事儿总想让鬼神知道，干点坏事儿总以为鬼神不知道，我们太让鬼为难了。
71. People always want gods to know when they do good deeds, but they think gods don’t know when they do bad things. We make it too difficult for the gods.
72.人不犯我，我不犯人；人若犯我，礼让三分；人再犯我，我还一针；人还犯我，斩草除根。
72. If people don’t offend me, I won’t offend them; if they do offend me, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt; if they offend me again, I’ll fight back; if they continue to offend me, I’ll eliminate them completely.
73.我这人从不记仇，一般有仇我当场就报了。
73. I never hold grudges; if I have a grudge, I settle it on the spot.
74.每个人出生的时候都是原创，很可惜，很多人渐渐成了盗版。
74. Every person is original when they are born, but unfortunately, many people gradually become counterfeit.
75.一天没带眼镜逛街，看到一个既帅气又熟悉的人。想过去看看到底是谁。原来是一面镜子。
75. One day without glasses, I saw a handsome and familiar person on the street. I wanted to see who it was, but it turned out to be a mirror.
76.承诺就像女人说要减肥一样，经常说却很难做到，一切都是假的话。
76. Promises are like women saying they want to lose weight; they often say it but find it hard to do, and everything is false.
77.爱情是毒药，糖衣太美妙，浅尝了即止就好，喝下了把命都送掉。
77. Love is a poison; the sugar coating is too delicious. It’s better to stop after a small taste, or you might lose your life after drinking it all.
78.不要把自己的伤口揭开给别人看，世界上多的不是医师，多的是撒盐的人。
78. Don’t expose your wounds to others; there are more people who sprinkle salt than doctors in this world.
79.我们老板是小怪兽，我们是奥特曼。但我们见了老板就跑，因为我们没带召唤器。
79. Our boss is a little monster, and we are Ultraman. But when we see the boss, we run away because we don’t have the summoner.
80.你给我一个微笑，我也会还你一个微笑，也不是善意的招呼，只是让你知道：老子笑起来比你好看。
80. If you give me a smile, I will also give you a smile. It’s not a friendly greeting, but to let you know: I look better when I smile than you do.
81.再过几十年，我们来相会，送到火葬场，全部烧成灰，你一堆，我一堆，谁也不认识谁，全部送到农村做化肥。
81. In a few decades, we’ll meet again, sent to the crematorium, all burned to ashes, you a pile, me a pile, no one recognizing anyone, all sent to the countryside as fertilizer.
82.有事直接奔主题，不要拿你的无知，挑战我的黑名单。
82. Get straight to the point, don’t challenge my blacklist with your ignorance.
83.问：你喜欢我哪一点？答：我喜欢你离我远一点！
83. Q: What do I like about you? A: I like you staying away from me!
84.这个世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
84. In this world, I only trust two people: one is me, and the other is not you.
85.鸭子太嚣张，兔子太多嘴，我是猪，我很乖。
85. Ducks are too arrogant, rabbits talk too much, I am a pig, and I am well-behaved.
86.日照香芦升子烟，李白来到烤鸭店，口水直流三千尺，一模兜里没有钱。
86. The sun shines on the fragrant reed, and Li Bai comes to the roast duck shop. His mouth waters for three thousand feet, but he has no money in his pocket.
87.俺从不写错字，但俺写通假字。
87. I never make mistakes in writing, but I write with alternative characters.
88.有困难要帮，没有困难制造困难也要帮。在美人面前则修正为：有危险要救，没有危险制造危险也要救。
88. If there is difficulty, help is needed; if there is no difficulty, create difficulty and help. In front of a beauty, it is modified to: If there is danger, save her; if there is no danger, create danger and save her.
89.如果有钱也是一种错，那我情愿一错再错。
89. If being rich is also a mistake, then I would rather make the same mistake again and again.
90.年纪轻轻，体重倒是不轻。余额不多，想买的倒是不少。
90. Young in age, but not light in weight. Not much balance, but many things to buy.
91.你们经过草丛的时候小心点，别弄脏了我这个月要吃的土。
91. Be careful when you pass through the grass, don’t dirty the soil I will eat this month.
92.不要和傻逼争论了，你是小仙女，不能泄露了仙气。
92. Don’t argue with a fool; you are a fairy, and you can’t reveal your fairy aura.
93.皮肤给你送了，段位给你打了，你现在跟我说你是男的，草泥马就算是男的我也要跟你在一起。
93. I’ve given you the skin, and I’ve played the game for you. Now you tell me you are a guy? Even if you were a guy, I would still be with you.
94.人要是倒霉起来，吃火锅不管坐哪里，烟都往你脸上飘。
94. When people are unlucky, no matter where they sit when eating hot pot, the smoke always drifts towards their face.
95.又到了起床靠毅力，洗衣靠耐力，上班靠洪荒之力，洗澡靠爆发力的季节了。
95. It’s the season when getting up relies on willpower, doing laundry relies on stamina, going to work relies on prehistoric strength, and taking a bath relies on explosive power.
96.悲伤已经在现代泛滥成灾了，所以记得对自己好点。
96. Sadness has become a disaster in modern times, so remember to be kind to yourself.
97.时间过得真快，还差三百五十五天我们就认识一年了。
97. Time flies; there are only 350 days left before we’ve known each other for a year.
98.终于知道“友谊”在英语中为啥是friendship了，因为友谊的小船说翻就翻。
98. I finally understand why “friendship” is called friendship in English, because the little boat of friendship can capsize at any moment.
99.好看的人一年四季都很酷，而你只有秋酷。
99. Good-looking people are cool all year round, while you are only cool in autumn.
100.春眠不觉晓，挂Q莫骚扰。突闻QQ声，实话有多少。
100. In spring, I sleep soundly and don’t notice the dawn. Don’t disturb me when I’m online. Suddenly, I hear the sound of QQ, how much truth is there?
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