1、不要和我比懒，我懒得和你比。
1. Don’t compare laziness with me, I’m too lazy to compete with you.
2、钱不是问题，问题是没钱！
2. Money isn’t the problem, the problem is having no money!
3、一山不能容二虎，除非一公和一母。
3. One mountain cannot accommodate two tigers, unless it’s a male and a female.
4、幸福的末班车不是没赶上，而是挤不上去。
4. The last train to happiness isn’t about missing it, but being unable to board.
5、无耻也是一种品质！思念是一种神经病！
5. Shamelessness is also a quality! Missing someone is a form of insanity!
6、流氓不可怕，就怕流氓有文化……
6. Hooligans are not to be feared, but rather, educated hooligans…
7、站的高，尿的远。
7. The higher you stand, the farther you can urinate.
8、天哪！我的衣服又瘦了。
8. Oh my! My clothes have shrunk again.
9、千万别跟我求婚，一求婚我就会答应。
9. Never propose to me, for I will definitely accept.
10、我总在牛A与牛C之间徘徊。
10. I always hover between A and C.
11、今天心情不好。我只有四句话想说。包括这句和前面的两句。我的话说完了。
11. Today, I’m in a bad mood. I have only four things to say. Including this sentence and the two before it. I’ve finished speaking.
12、但两个人相遇，接下来的不是故事就是事故。
12. When two people meet, what follows is either a story or an accident.
13、走自己的路，让别人打车去吧。
13. Walk your own path and let others take a taxi.
14、你不理财，财不理你。
14. If you don’t manage your money, it won’t manage you.
15、钱不是问题，问题是没钱！人不能在一棵树上吊死，要在附近几棵树上多死几次试试。
15. Money isn’t the problem, the problem is having no money! One should not hang oneself on a single tree, but try hanging on several nearby trees.
16、谁说我白，瘦，漂亮，我就跟他做好朋友。
16. Whoever says I’m fair, thin, and beautiful, I’ll be their good friend.
17、在傻瓜眼里，聪明人的聪明一文不值。
17. In the eyes of a fool, the intelligence of a wise person is worth nothing.
18、不是变化快，而是你太菜。
18. It’s not that change is fast, but rather that you’re too slow.
19、怀才就像怀孕，时间久了才能让人看出来。
19. Talent is like pregnancy; it takes time for others to notice.
20、俺从不写错字，但俺写通假字！
20. I never make mistakes in writing, but I write with homophones!
21、不要为旧的悲伤，浪费新的眼泪！
21. Don’t waste new tears for old sorrows!
22、你让我滚，我滚了。你让我回来，对不起，滚远了。
22. You told me to get lost, and I did. You want me back? Sorry, I’ve gone too far.
1.相信我，我会让你成为世界上第二幸福的人。
1. Believe me, I will make you the second happiest person in the world.
为什么不是第一呢？
Why not the first?
有了你，我就是最幸福的人！
With you, I am already the happiest person!
2.我可以向你问路吗？
2. May I ask you for directions?
到那里？
Where to?
到你心里。
To your heart.
3.最近我牙疼。
3. Lately, I’ve had a toothache.
为什么？
Why?
因为常常晚上想你,那感觉太甜蜜了,生蛀牙了。
Because I think of you every night, and it’s so sweet that it gave me cavities.
4.我可以向你借一块钱吗？
4. Can I borrow one dollar from you?
为什么？
Why?
我想打电话告诉我妈，我刚遇到我的梦中情人。也可以说：我要打电话给你妈妈谢谢她。
I want to call my mom and tell her I just met my dream lover. Also, I could say: I want to call your mom to thank her.
5.你爸爸是小偷吗？
5. Is your father a thief?
不是。
No.
那他怎么能把灿烂的星星偷来放在你双眸中呢？
Then how did he manage to steal the bright stars and put them in your eyes?
6.你的腿一定很累吧？
6. Your legs must be tired, right?
为什么？
Why?
因为你在我的脑海中跑了一整天。
Because you’ve been running in my mind all day long.
7.看她的衣服标签，当她说你在做什么时，
7. Look at her clothing label, and when she says, “What are you doing?”
回答：只是看看你是不是天堂制造的？
Reply: Just checking if you were made in heaven?
8.我希望你会心肺复苏术。
8. I hope you know CPR.
为什么？
Why?
因为你美得让我停止呼吸。
Because you’re so beautiful, you take my breath away.
9.小姐,请你把它还给我!
9. Miss, please give it back to me!
什么!
What?!
我的心，你用你的眼睛把它夺走了!
My heart, you’ve stolen it with your eyes!
10.我的眼睛一定有问题。
10. There must be something wrong with my eyes.
为什么？
Why?
我的视线无法自你身上离开。
I can’t take my eyes off you.
11.我今天很不顺利。
11. I’ve had a terrible day today.
那怎么办？
So what?
看见漂亮女生微笑会让我心情好一点,你可以为我笑一下吗？
Seeing a beautiful girl smile would cheer me up. Can you smile for me?
12.如果可以重新排列英文字母，我会把U跟I放在一起。
12. If I could rearrange the letters of the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
为什么？
Why?
因为我想让你和我在一起。
Because I want you to be with me.
13.干嘛老看我？
13. Why are you always looking at me?
抱歉,我是艺术家,凝视美女是我的工作。
Sorry, I’m an artist, and gazing at beautiful women is my job.
14.没有人会喜欢我。
14. No one will ever like me.
你好，我叫没有人。
你好，我叫没有人。 Hello, my name is Nobody.
15.今天的雨真大。
15. The rain today is really heavy.
是啊!是啊!
Yes, yes!
那是因为老天对着你流口水。
It’s because the heavens are drooling at you.
16.喜欢一个人要大声说出来。
16. If you like someone, you should speak up.
出来！
Speak up!
17.“我想你现在一定很忙，所以我才决定发这条短信。”
17. “I thought you must be very busy now, so I decided to send this message.”
“不忙啊，为什么这么说？”
“Not busy, why do you say that?”
“因为我想发的是上一条的前三个字。”
“Because what I wanted to send was the first three words of the previous message.”
18.我睡觉啦!
18. I’m going to sleep!
嗯。
Mm.
睡醒之后你还会喜欢我吗？
Will you still like me when you wake up?
不喜欢了。
Not anymore.
那我不睡了。
Then I won’t sleep.
19.如果有人追我，你怎么办？
19. If someone chases me, what would you do?
我就绊倒他！
I’ll trip them!
20.你干嘛摸我的手？
20. Why are you touching my hand?
我只是想知道你经常用的沐浴露好不好用。
I just wanted to know if the shower gel you use often is good.
21.我爱上了一个女的。
21. I’ve fallen in love with a girl.
她一定很漂亮吧！
She must be very beautiful, right?
你太自恋了。
You’re so narcissistic.
22.男：我相信，早晚我要出现在你家的餐桌前。
22. Man: I believe that sooner or later, I will appear at your dining table.
女：你打算送外卖？
Woman: Are you planning to deliver takeout?
23.男：在你面前，我永远都是错的。
23. Man: In front of you, I am always wrong.
女：其实也可以不是这个样子。我以为在你面前，我永远都是对的！
Woman: Actually, it doesn’t have to be like this. I think in front of you, I am always right!
24.女：亲爱滴，你看我好漂亮呀！
24. Woman: Darling, don’t I look beautiful?
男：亲爱滴，我看你好自恋啊！
Man: Darling, you are so narcissistic!
女：尼玛，你给我滚床下面去！
Woman: Damn it, get under the bed!
25.女：在不？
25. Woman: Are you there?
男：我无处不在！
Man: I am everywhere!
26.女：晕哦
26. Woman: Oh my gosh.
男：来，往我怀里晕，Comeonbaby!
Man: Come on, faint into my arms, Come on baby!
27.女：呵呵;你叫什么？
27. Woman: Hehe, what’s your name?
男：我没叫啊，你又没非礼我？
Man: I didn’t call, you didn’t assault me, did you?
28.女：我是问你姓名。
28. Woman: I’m asking for your name.
男：噢耶～我复姓南宫叫鹏友，简称南鹏友！
Man: Oh yeah~ My surname is NanGong, and my given name is PengYou, also known as Nan PengYou!
29.女：又占我便宜。
29. Woman: You’re taking advantage of me again.
男：你又不是市场里的菜，我占你便宜作甚？
Man: You’re not a vegetable in the market, why would I take advantage of you?
30.女：呵呵，你真幽默！
30. Woman: Hehe, you’re really humorous!
男：大家都那么说！
Man: Everyone says so!
31.女：你真不谦虚。
31. Woman: You’re really not modest.
男：错！是我不虚伪！
1. Man: Wrong! I’m not hypocritical, I’m genuine!
32.女：你好自恋！
32. Woman: You’re so narcissistic!
男：错！我是自信！
Man: Wrong again! I’m confident!
33.女：我服了你。
33. Woman: I’m at a loss for words.
男：我60公斤在，你服的进去么？
Man: I weigh 60 kilograms, can you handle that?
34.女：你多大？
34. Woman: How old are you?
男：没法形容，很魁梧！
Man: It’s hard to describe, I’m quite robust!
35.女：你的年龄多少？
35. Woman: What’s your age?
男：二二得四，四四十六，十六加八减去四得多少？
Man: Two times two equals four, four times four equals sixteen, what’s sixteen plus eight minus four?
女：二十
Woman: Twenty
男：回答正确，可惜没奖。
Man: Correct answer, but no prize for you.
36.男：你多大？
36. Man: How old are you?
女：我十八了。
Woman: I’m eighteen.
男：十八真好！
Man: Eighteen is great!
女：何以见得？
Woman: Why do you think so?
男：都说十八十八一朵花哈！
Man: They say eighteen is like a blooming flower, haha!
女：那又怎么样？
Woman: So what?
男：我斗胆想摘你，如何？
Man: I boldly want to pick you, how about it?
女：我是带刺的玫瑰，你不怕？
Woman: I’m a thorny rose, aren’t you afraid?
男：pa字我打不出来。
Man: I can’t type the word “pa”.
37.女：你是哪儿的？
37. Woman: Where are you from?
男：中原。
Man: Zhongyuan.
女：额，中原哪里？
Woman: Um, where in Zhongyuan?
男：惭愧，在下四海为家居无定所！
Man: I’m ashamed to say that I call the whole world my home and have no fixed residence!
38.女：真的假的？
38. Woman: Really?
男：凭你的智慧我哄得了你不？
Man: With your wisdom, could I deceive you?
39.问：小龙女可以7年不见杨过你能么？
39. Q: Can you not see Yang Guo for 7 years like Xiaolongnv?
答：我可以一辈子不见杨过。
A: I can go a lifetime without seeing Yang Guo.
40.问：四个字形容一下你的开车水平。
40. Q: Describe your driving skills in four words.
答：交警无语。
A: Traffic police are speechless.
41.问：一个人对你说“偶吃的盐比你吃的饭还多！！”说明什么？
41. Q: If someone says to you, “I’ve eaten more salt than you’ve eaten rice!!” What does it mean?
答：口重
A: They have a heavy taste.
42.问：看完兽兽视频最大的感想是什么？
42. Q: What’s your biggest feeling after watching the Shou Si video?
答：手机太差了。
A: My phone is too bad.
43.问：公交车上一男的踩了你的脚，对你说“我是周杰伦”，你的反应？
43. Q: On the bus, a man steps on your foot and says, “I’m Jay Chou.” What’s your reaction?
答：踩回来。以后可以炫耀啦，我踩过周杰伦！
A: Step on his foot in return. Then I can brag that I’ve stepped on Jay Chou!
44.问：你花心吗？
44. Q: Are you a playboy?
答：以前别人都是用感叹号问我
A: People used to ask me with exclamation marks.
45.问：“去相亲，对面那女的咧嘴一笑，脸上好厚一块粉掉下来了，我该怎么办？”……
45. Q: “When going on a blind date, the woman across from you grins, and a thick layer of powder falls off her face. What should I do?”
答：“您太客气了，第一次见面就送粮食。”
A: “You’re too polite. On our first meeting, you’re already giving me food.”
46.问：如果你在图书馆看书，正入迷时，对面的异性用脚碰了你三次，你会？
46. Q: If you are reading in the library and you are engrossed in the book, and the opposite sex accidentally bumps into you three times with their foot, what would you do?
答：踩住。
A: Step on their foot.
47.问：情侣两个都在QQ上，但是双方都不说话已有10分钟，说明什么？
47. Q: If both you and your partner are on QQ, but neither of you has spoken for 10 minutes, what does it mean?
答：老板在旁边。
A: The boss is nearby.
48.问：给你1200元，买什么车好？
48. Q: What kind of car should you buy with 1200 yuan?
答：买副象棋吧，有四个车呢！另外还有四个宝马。
A: Buy a set of Chinese chess; there are four chariots in it! Plus, there are four BMWs as well.
49.问：养了10年的宠物和交往1周的恋人，必须舍弃1个，你选什么？
49. Q: If you have to give up either your pet of 10 years or your lover of 1 week, what would you choose?
答：舍弃宠物吧，把它送给恋人。
A: Give up the pet and send it to the lover.
50.问：结婚用什么车娶亲最cool？
50. Q: What is the coolest car to use for a wedding?
答：布加迪威航开路，阿斯顿马丁摄像，齐柏林DS8护航，新郎新娘骑驴。
A: A Bugatti Veyron leading the way, an Aston Martin for filming, a Zeppelin DS8 as escort, and the bride and groom riding donkeys.
51.问：当恋人/老公从熟睡中突然抱住你说“我喜欢你，你喜欢我吗？’
51. Q: If your partner/husband suddenly hugs you in their sleep and says, “I like you, do you like me?”
答：你不要惊醒他，轻声问：“我叫什么名字啊？……”
A: Don’t wake them up, and whisper, “What’s my name?”
52.问：同时说1种花，看谁和我有默契~~
52. Q: Let’s both say one type of flower and see who has the best chemistry with me.
答：1种花
A: One type of flower.
53.问：一男和一女住了一夜，什么都没干！你们相信吗？
53. Q: A man and a woman spend a night together, and they didn’t do anything! Do you believe it?
答：相信。都湿着呢，没干。
A: I believe it. They were both wet, so they weren’t dry.
54.问：相亲时，女方对你说：你没房没车来相什么亲？你怎么回答？
54. Q: During a blind date, the woman says to you: You don’t have a house or a car; why are you here for a date?
答：献爱心来了。
A: I’m here to give love.
55.追了你五年了，嫁给我吧？
55. You’ve been chasing me for five years; marry me, please?
不行啊，你这么丑一定很花心。
I can’t. You’re so ugly; you must be very flirtatious.
怎么可能花，我这么穷。
1. How can I spend money when I’m so poor?
56.女：第一次见我父母，你准备送啥东东？
2. Female: What are you going to bring as a gift when you meet my parents for the first time?
男：当然要送份大礼罗！
3. Male: Of course, I’ll bring a big gift!
女：哇！那你送什么大礼呀！
4. Female: Wow! Then what big gift will you bring?
男：外孙或外孙女。
5. Male: A grandson or granddaughter.
57.问：杨过没车为什么小龙女还腻着他呢？
57. Q: Why does Xiaolongnü still cling to Yang Guo even though he doesn’t have a car?
答：谁说没车？他一直用雕牌！
A: Who says he doesn’t have a car? He’s always using the Steiff brand!
58.问：晚１０点一女同事消息发来‘我老公不在’怎么回！！！？？？
58. Q: At 10 p.m., a female colleague messages you saying “My husband is not here.” How do you respond?
答：我马上到……
A: I’ll be right there…
59.问：如果有人问，我可以追你吗？怎么回答比较好？？
59. Q: If someone asks, “Can I chase after you?” How would you answer?
答：为什么追我？我又不是急支糖浆。。。
A: Why chase after me? I’m not urgent support syrup…
60.问：你独自流落荒岛，手机没信号，突然能打了，你第一个电话打给谁？
60. Q: If you’re stranded on a deserted island alone, with no cell phone signal, and suddenly you can make a call, who would you call first?
答：中国移动，投诉他们！怎么信号这么差！
A: China Mobile, to complain about their poor signal!
61.问：真心话你要是男人你希望自己象***一样有一堆女人吗？
61. Q: If you were a man, would you want to be like *** with a bunch of women around you?
答：我希望自己是一个拥有一堆***的女人……
A: I’d want to be a woman with a bunch of *** around me…
62.问：给你1亿,让你从2楼跳下去,你愿意伐？
62. Q: Would you jump from the second floor for 100 million?
答：请先把1亿堆在楼下，我马上往上跳。
A: Please stack the 100 million楼下 first, and I’ll jump right away.
63.问：分手后有一方说：“我心里不会再走进别人了”。你信吗？
63. Q: After a breakup, if one party says, “No one else will enter my heart,” do you believe them?
答：心里不会，但是身体会。
A: Maybe not in the heart, but in the body.
64.问：你觉得你身上最值得保持的品质是什么？
64. Q: What do you think is the most valuable quality to maintain in yourself?
答：将错就错。
A: Going with the flow.
65.问：晚上，正在洗澡，突然，发现，多了一只手在帮你搓澡！你。。。
65. Q: One evening, while taking a shower, you suddenly discover an extra hand helping you scrub! What do you do?
答：偷偷把它的手表和戒指撸下来。
A: Secretly take off its watch and rings.
66.问：白床单，白被子，白枕头，白拖鞋意味着什么？
66. Q: What does white sheets, white被子, white pillows, and white slippers signify?
答：白大夫，就是要你白
A: White doctor,就是要你白 (meaning “just be white”)
67.问：男生给女生每天发100多条短信，但是电话很少，说明什么
67. Q: If a guy sends a girl over 100 text messages a day but rarely calls her, what does it suggest?
答：他订了个包月套餐
A: He has a monthly plan subscription.
68.问：弟弟拉裤子了——打两位美国政坛名人！
68. Q: Brother has pooped in his pants – name two famous American politicians!
答：奥！爸，妈！稀拉里！
A: Oh! Dad, Mom! Hillary!
69.问：如果有人看了你的照片后，说“好丑~”。。。。。
69. Q: What if someone looks at your photo and says, “So ugly~”?
答：总比说’好可爱的猴子’要好吧
A: It’s better than being called ‘a cute monkey.’
70.鄙视我的人那么多,你算老几？
70. Among all the people who look down on me, where do you rank?
（当一个美女鄙视你无赖，流氓，奸诈，不正经时~）
(When a beautiful woman looks down on you as a scoundrel, hooligan, swindler, and not serious~)
71.打死我也不说,你还没使美人儿计呢！
71. I won’t tell you even if you kill me, because you haven’t used your beauty trick yet!
（各位弟兄，有没有美女问你你不方便说的问题呢~对付女朋友也不错，调情用）
(Brothers, have you ever encountered a beautiful woman asking you an inconvenient question? This can also be used to flirt with your girlfriend.)
72.我不但手气好,脚气也不错！
72. Not only am I lucky in my hands, but my feet are also fortunate!
（呵呵运气好的时候可以一笑）
(Hehe, you can laugh when you’re having good luck.)
73.再逼我,再逼我就装死给你看！
73. Keep pushing me, and I’ll pretend to be dead for you!
（当美女一再问你白痴问题时候可以一用）
(When a beautiful woman keeps asking you silly questions, you can use this.)
74.问：你拿过的最牛B的凶器是什么？
74. Q: What’s the most impressive weapon you’ve ever held?
答：TT。（杀亿人于无形中）
A: A condom. (It can kill millions of people invisibly)
75.问：用四个字形容自己的长相！
75. Q: Describe your appearance in four characters!
答：不提也罢
A: Better not to mention.
76.问：你兜里只有2块钱，怎么解决三餐？？？
76. Q: If you only have 2 dollars in your pocket, how do you solve three meals????
答：买个破碗，蹲街边
A: Buy a broken bowl and squat on the street.
77.问：我买房子的花园里居然挖出了一具尸体，我该怎么办？要不要报警
77. Q: I found a corpse in the garden of the house I bought. What should I do? Should I call the police?
答：继续挖，下面还有兵马佣
A: Keep digging, there are terracotta warriors below.
78.问：说一个虐待自己最残忍的方式？
78. Q: Tell me a cruel way to mistreat oneself?
答：一人吃掉KFC全家桶
A: Eating a whole KFC Family Bucket by oneself.
79.问：给你1W，让你去小区门口大喊3声：“芙蓉姐姐我爱你”，你干吗
79. Q: I’ll give you 10,000 (yen/dollars/etc.) to go to the entrance of the community and shout three times, “I love Sister Furong,” would you do it?
答：可以“喊”，但是不“干”。
A: You can “shout,” but not “do.”
80.够不着吧,左脚踩右脚上试试
80. Can’t reach? Try standing on your right foot with your left foot.
（打击情敌矮，玩笑女生娇小，随你大小便~）
(Making fun of a short rival, joking about a girl’s petite stature, do as you please~)
81.有的人活着,她已经死了.有的人活着,他早该死了！
81. Some people are alive, but she’s already dead. Some people are alive, but he should have died long ago!
（气愤也可以幽默~）
(Anger can be humorous too~)
82.你说…你喜欢我？其实…我一开始…其实我也…唉跟你说了吧,其实我也挺喜欢我自己的.
82. You say… you like me? Actually… at first… well, let me tell you, to be honest, I also… Oh, forget it, I’ll just tell you, I actually like myself quite a bit too.
（表白难么~暧昧难么~知道说什么话就不难了，成功是种艺术）
(Confessing is hard, right? Being ambiguous is hard, right? Knowing what to say makes it easy; success is an art.)
83.青山依旧在,只是有点红.
83. The green hills remain, but they’re a bit red.
（饿，那个，想起一句落红岂是无情物~）
(Hungry, um, that reminds me of a line: “Falling petals are not heartless things~”)
84.你是喝水,还是喝水,还是喝水？随你挑！
84. Are you drinking water, or drinking water, or drinking water? It’s up to you!
（你是收藏,还是收藏,还是收藏？随你挑！）
1. (Are you a collector, or a collector, or a collector? Choose as you wish!)
85.老子不但有车,还是自行的！
2. 85. I not only have a car, but it’s also a bicycle!
（对付拜金女的极品~本人不喜欢拜金的哈）
(Dealing with the ultimate gold digger~ I personally don’t like gold worshippers, haha) 1. 对付拜金女的极品~ - Dealing with the ultimate gold digger~ 2. 本人不喜欢拜金的哈 - I personally don’t like gold worshippers, haha
86.通常来说，老公瘦，不是老婆欲望过强就是老婆过于抠门。我希望我瘦是因为第一项。
86. Generally speaking, if a husband is thin, it’s either because his wife has an insatiable desire or she’s too stingy. I hope I’m thin because of the first reason.
（通常来说，我这么瘦，可是你又这么喜欢给咱买吃的，老婆，你说，咱是因为什么原因瘦的呢？）
(Although I’m so thin, you still like to buy food for us, wife. So, what do you think is the reason for my thinness?)
87.一个人只要长得好看点，他无论干点儿什么大家都觉得倍儿合理，倍儿正常。你看，我当初裸奔都没人看~
87. If someone is good-looking, no matter what they do, everyone thinks it’s very reasonable and normal. You see, when I ran naked, no one even looked at me.
（其实咱帅的都没人看咱裸奔了。。。）
(In fact, I’m so handsome that no one even noticed when I ran naked…)
88.“让我先测试下你的智商，一加一等于几？”
88. “Let me test your intelligence first. What’s one plus one?”
他立刻回答了我，这小孩反应真快，他的回答是朝我脸上吐了口唾沫。！
He immediately answered me, and this kid is really quick-witted. His answer was spitting on my face!
（你看咱亲戚家小孩多聪明，还好没泼我一脸童子尿~）
(Look at how smart our relative’s child is; at least they didn’t throw a pot of baby urine at me~)
89.东方明珠:大上海的阳具，看上去挺雄壮的，只不过……这睾丸怎么一个在上边一个在下边？畸形？
89. The Oriental Pearl Tower: the penis of the great Shanghai, it looks quite majestic, but… why is one testicle on top and the other below? Deformed?
（慎用。。。）
(Use with caution…)
90.帅有个P用？搞不好还不是被卒子给吃掉！
90. What’s the use of being handsome? You might still be eaten by a pawn!
（有女人对你说“那个男人好帅啊’，’那个明星真帅’的么？一句话噎死她）
1. When a woman says, “That man is so handsome,” or “That celebrity is really handsome,” do you have any witty comebacks?
91.交给我你就不用放心了,没有错不了的事！
91. Leave it to me, and you don’t have to worry. There’s no way anything can go wrong!
（嘿嘿~女友叫你买东西了么？有叫你帮忙么？说这个再帮她好好的做好，效果是不是更好？）
(Hehe~ Has your girlfriend asked you to buy something? Has she asked for your help? Say this and then help her out properly. Isn’t the effect even better?)
92.别紧张,我不是什么好人……（搭讪困难么？相信我没错！）
92. Don’t be nervous, I’m not a good person… (Having trouble striking up a conversation? Trust me, you’re in good hands!)
93.只要你一生蛋,咱们便立即把它踩破,绝不让校长和爸妈知道！（床头调情玩笑）
93. As soon as you lay an egg, we’ll step on it right away, and never let the principal or our parents know! (Bedroom teasing joke)
94.别谢,谢完还怎么好意思向你收钱啊！
94. No need to thank me, how can I ask for payment after you’ve thanked me?
（当你给MM帮忙或者做一些让她感激的事~嘿嘿，噎死她，小心粉拳）
(When you help a girl or do something that makes her grateful, tease her like this, but watch out for those playful punches.)
95.还吃油炸食品呢，瞧你脸上的痘！都快能连五子棋了！
95. Still eating fried food? Look at the acne on your face! It’s almost enough to play Five in a Row!
（喂，哥们，打压就是这个味道~）
(Hey, buddy, this is the taste of teasing~)
96.外表青春灿烂，内心破破烂烂。
96. A youthful appearance, but a tattered heart.
（咱们是同一类人，外表青春灿烂，内心破破烂烂。。。）
(We are the same kind of people, with youthful and bright appearances, but our hearts are tattered and worn…)
97.我会涂鸦你们知道么？我经常趁着夜幕去涂鸦`我趁没人的时候就涂：办证：139…………
97. Do you know I can graffiti? I often take advantage of the night to create graffiti: “Fake IDs for sale: 139…”
（。。。所以你把号码告诉我吧，咱涂鸦技术一流~）
(…So please tell me your phone number, our doodle skills are top-notch~)
- 男：我就不明白了，为什么你能看帅哥，我就不能欣赏美女？
98. Male: I just don’t get it, why can you look at handsome guys, but I can’t appreciate beautiful women?
女：我欣赏帅哥叫观赏美好的事物，而你那是满足心中龌龊的思想。
1. Girl: I appreciate handsome guys as appreciating beautiful things, while you are just satisfying your dirty thoughts.
99.“小心”我边拉了一下她边说道。
2. “Be careful,” I said while pulling her gently.
她看了我一下，疑惑的问道“怎么了？拉我干什么？”
3. She looked at me, puzzled, and asked, “What’s wrong? Why did you pull me?”
“有个蚂蚁，别把你拌倒了。”
4. “There’s an ant, don’t let it trip you up.”
(个人一个牵手惯例~)
(A personal hand-holding routine~)
100.女：男人不能惯，越惯越混蛋！
5. Girl: Men shouldn’t be spoiled, the more you spoil them, the more they become jerks!
男：女人不能宠，越宠越有种！
6. Boy: Women shouldn’t be pampered, the more you pamper them, the more they get a sense of entitlement!
1.完美的男友：不吸烟，不喝酒，不欺骗。不存在！
7. The perfect boyfriend: doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t lie. He doesn’t exist!
2.不是人人都能活的低调，可以低调的基础是随时都能高调。
8. Not everyone can live a low-profile life; the foundation of being low-key is the ability to be high-profile at any time.
3.不怕路远，就怕志短，不怕缓慢，就怕常站;不怕贫穷，就怕惰懒，不怕对手悍，就怕自己颤。
9. It’s not the long journey that matters, but the short ambitions. It’s not the slow progress, but the constant standing still. It’s not poverty that’s afraid, but laziness. It’s not the tough opponent that’s scary, but the trembling within oneself.
4.逆风的方向，更适合飞翔。我不怕万人阻挡，只怕自己投降。
4. The direction of the headwind is more suitable for flying. I am not afraid of thousands of people blocking me, but I am afraid of surrendering myself.
5.你想死呢、还是你不想活拉。
5. Do you want to die, or do you not want to live anymore?
6.没有激情，爱就不会燃烧，没有友情，朋就不会满座，没有豪情，志就难于实现，没有心情，事就难于完成。
6. Without passion, love will not burn; without friendship, friends will not be gathered; without ambition, aspirations will be hard to achieve; without mood, tasks will be difficult to complete.
7.大事坚持原则，小事学会变通。
7. Stick to principles in major matters, and learn to be flexible in minor ones.
8.出门在外，老婆有交待，坐车莫坐第一排，菜夹不到站起来，喝酒别把胃喝坏，路边野花不要采，情人莫带屋里来。
8. When you’re out, your wife has given you instructions: don’t sit in the front row of the bus, stand up if you can’t reach the dishes, don’t drink too much alcohol, don’t pick wildflowers by the roadside, and don’t bring lovers into the house.
9.要说别人脑子有病，脑子有病的前提是必须有个脑子。
9. To say someone has a problem with their brain, they must have a brain first.
10.让女孩变成女人是作为男人最基本的责任和义务。
10. Turning a girl into a woman is the most basic responsibility and obligation of a man.
11.女人无所谓正派，正派是因为受到的引诱不够，男人无所谓忠诚，忠诚是因为背叛的筹码太低。
11. Women are not inherently virtuous; they may not have been tempted enough. Men are not inherently loyal; the price for betrayal may be too low.
12.你你你这个小妖精，令我中了你的爱情毒却迟迟不肯给我解药！小坏蛋！哦，我快要不行了！救救我吧！办法很简单：给我你的爱！
12. You, you, you little fairy, have made me fall for your love poison but refuse to give me the antidote! Little rascal! Oh, I can hardly bear it! Save me! The solution is simple: give me your love!
13.感觉不到痛苦的爱情不是真正的爱情，感觉不到幸福的婚姻必是悲哀的婚姻。
13. Love without pain is not true love; a marriage without happiness is bound to be a sad one.
14.穿着恒源祥的毛衣，提着脑白金的礼盒，拿着三精葡萄酸钙，嘬着太极急支糖浆，哪儿人多奔哪儿去这就算行为艺术了吧。
14. Wearing a sweater from Heng Yuan Xiang, carrying a gift box of Nao Bai Jin, holding Sanjing Grape Acid Calcium, and sipping Tai Chi Ji Zhi Tang syrup, going where there are crowds - this can be considered performance art, right?
15.长大了，娶唐僧做老公，能玩就玩一玩，不能玩就把他吃掉。
15. When I grow up, I want to marry Tang Seng as my husband, play with him if I can, and eat him if I can’t.
16.不该看的不看，不该说的不说，不该听的不听，不该想的不想，该干什么干什么去。
16. Don’t look at what you shouldn’t, don’t say what you shouldn’t, don’t listen to what you shouldn’t, don’t think about what you shouldn’t, and just do what you need to do.
17.别跟我谈感情，谈感情伤钱。
17. Don’t talk to me about feelings; talking about feelings costs money.
18.爱情有时很像醉酒的感觉，头脑明明是清醒的，但行为就是不受控制。
18. Love sometimes feels like being drunk; the mind is clear, but the actions are uncontrollable.
19.别说一辈子，别说永远，谁能对未来承诺呢？我们能把握的，无非是当时当地的感情。但一辈子，也是无数个现在组成的，努力好了每个瞬间，也就是永远了。
19. Don’t say a lifetime, don’t say forever; who can promise the future? What we can grasp is the feelings of the moment. But a lifetime is made up of countless moments, and if we work hard on each moment, it will be forever.
20.为中华而努力读书！一包中华好多钱啊！
20. Study hard for China! A pack of Zhonghua cigarettes costs a lot!
21.和谐校园里，骑自行车的也许是位博导，而开奔驰的则可能是个后勤。
21. In a harmonious campus, the person riding a bicycle might be a professor, while the one driving a Mercedes could be a maintenance worker.
22.其实人活着的时候就是一个躯壳，死了就变成一堆骨灰。
22. In fact, when people are alive, they are just a shell; when they die, they become a pile of ashes.
23.我对你的心，比钻石还坚硬。。。。。。不会是心结石吧？
23. My heart for you is harder than a diamond… It’s not a kidney stone, is it?
24.你发神经的时候，就像猪上树一样让人吃惊。
24. When you go crazy, it’s as surprising as a pig climbing a tree.
25.话说动物园有一只猴子，奇丑无比，人见人吐！第二天我去看了，我吐了！第三天你去了，猴子吐了！
25. There’s a monkey in the zoo that’s incredibly ugly, making people vomit upon seeing it! The next day, I went to see it and I vomited! On the third day, you went and the monkey vomited!
26.人生就像一块破铜烂铁，把它扔进火里，敲敲打打，也能炼出一副精品！
26. Life is like a piece of scrap metal; throw it into the fire, hammer and beat it, and you can still forge a masterpiece!
27.天若有情天亦老，抢我对象死的早。
27. If heaven has feelings, it will age; whoever steals my partner will die young.
28.一般般的我，一般般的亮。一般般的你，我看不上！
28. I’m just average, and so is my brightness. You’re average too, but I can’t see you!
29.地铁上的广告：挤吗？买辆车吧！出租车上的广告：赌吗？坐地铁吧！靠，忽悠我还是怎么着！
29. Subway advertisement: Crowded? Buy a car! Taxi advertisement: Gambling? Take the subway! Damn, are you kidding me or what!
30.知道高晓松为啥喝醉酒不？那是因为药家鑫想让他唱一首“同牢的你”。
30. Do you know why Gao Xiaosong gets drunk? It’s because Yao Jiaxin wants him to sing “The You in the Same Prison”.
31.今天MM的生日，为了第一个送上祝福，凌晨我准时拿起手机发了一条信息：沙发。
31. Today is MM’s birthday, and in order to be the first to send my wishes, I picked up my phone on time in the early morning and sent a message: Sofa.
32.靠山吃山，靠水吃水，今天抢劫，不许不给，谁要反抗，让他见鬼。
32. Live off the mountain if you’re near one, and live off the water if you’re near a river; today, I’m robbing and you must give, or else resist and face the consequences!
33.昨天是历史，今天是开始，明天谁都不好使！
33. Yesterday is history, today is the beginning, and tomorrow, no one will be able to stop me!
34.最近神马开始变驴腿了，浮云变雨水了！
34. Recently, everything has turned into donkey legs and floating clouds have turned into rain!
35.我只顾着往后看，却没有在意前面的路有多长。
35. I was only looking back, not paying attention to how long the road ahead was.
36.没有强大的主人，别以为你是狗就可以乱咬人！
36. Don’t think you can bite people randomly just because you’re a dog without a strong owner!
37.枕着打印机睡，就能打印出一整夜的梦吧？
37. If I sleep with a printer as my pillow, can I print out an entire night of dreams?
38.系好安全带，前方也许有场爱情正等着你。
38. Fasten your seatbelt, as there might be a love waiting for you ahead.
39.小明：“爸爸我是不是傻孩子啊？”爸爸：“傻孩子，你怎么会是傻孩子呢？”
39. Xiao Ming: “Dad, am I a silly child?” Dad: “Silly child, how could you be a silly child?”
40.人生就像一场旅行，在乎的不是目的地。而是沿途的“NB”，以及对付“NB”时的心情！
40. Life is like a journey, not caring about the destination, but the “NB” along the way and the mood when dealing with “NB”!
41.站在岁月的岸边，向自己的过往打个水漂吧……
41. Standing on the shore of time, let’s skip a stone across our past…
42.有时候老天下一场雨，是因为世界需要洗一洗，有时候眼睛下雨了，是因为心需要洗一洗！
42. Sometimes, the world needs a wash, and that’s why it rains; sometimes, our hearts need a wash, and that’s why our eyes rain!
43.我是穷人，请勿盗墓！
43. I’m poor, so please don’t rob my grave!
44.别以为你比我年轻，你就能多蹦跶几天，棺材装的是死人不是老人！
44. Don’t think that just because you’re younger than me, you’ll be able to bounce around for a few more days. A coffin carries the dead, not the old!
45.名人名言，你得先是名人了那才是名言，别人的屁都是名屁！你能比吗？
45. A famous quote only becomes a famous quote when it’s from a famous person. Even someone else’s fart is a famous fart! Can you compare?
46.哥是文明人，所有脏话均已使用唾液消毒。
46. I am a civilized person, and all dirty words have been disinfected with saliva.
47.如果我死了，我的第一句话是：老子终于不用怕鬼了。
47. If I die, my first sentence will be: I finally don’t have to be afraid of ghosts anymore.
48.我这一生一共做错两件事，其一是生出来，另一是活下去。
48. In my life, I’ve made two mistakes, one is being born, and the other is living on.
49.别在我面前摆POSE，我真怕忍不住想摔相机。
49. Don’t pose in front of me, I’m really afraid I’ll be tempted to drop the camera.
50.和你分手，因为，你连牵手都不配！
50. I broke up with you because you don’t even deserve to hold hands!
51.有一天小三哭了，因为出现了小四！
51. One day, the mistress cried because the fourth party appeared!
52.谁要是再敢惹我，我就趁清明之前把他埋了。
52. If anyone dares to provoke me again, I’ll bury them before the Qingming Festival.
53.谁的旧爱不是别人的新欢，谁的新欢不是别人的旧爱。
53. Whose old love isn’t someone else’s new favorite, and whose new favorite isn’t someone else’s old love?
54.分手多没意思，有本事咱俩玩离婚！
54. Breaking up is so boring; if you’re really capable, let’s play at getting a divorce!
55.吉尼斯纪录：全世界最大的茶几面积为万平方千米，可放置亿杯具。
55. Guinness World Record: The world’s largest coffee table covers an area of ten thousand square kilometers and can hold a billion cups.
56.自爱，必先自私，唯有自私，才能大爱。
56. To love oneself, one must first be selfish; only by being selfish can one achieve great love.
57.一些人，总要出卖他所有的，去换取他所没有的。
57. Some people always have to sell everything they have in exchange for what they don’t have.
58.在学校是那钱混日子，现在是拿日子混钱！
58. In school, it’s spending money to pass the days; now, it’s spending time to make money!
59.考试考得好，全靠同桌好。
59. Good exam results all depend on having a good deskmate.
60.本人鄙视那些，常用表情聊天的人。
60. I despise those who often use emojis to chat.
61.有心才会累，无心者无所谓。
61. Only those with a heart can feel tired; those without a heart don’t care.
62.做男人的最高境界不是你去泡妞，而是让妞来泡你。
62. The ultimate achievement of being a man is not to chase after girls, but to let them chase after you.
63.要有多大的身躯，才能撑起您那龌龊的灵魂啊！
63. How big of a body do you need to support your filthy soul?
64.你不能当饭吃，但没有你，我吃不下饭。
64. You can’t be eaten as food, but without you, I can’t eat.
65.假如生活欺骗了我，那我也去欺骗生活。
65. If life deceives me, then I will deceive life as well.
66.你让我下不了台，我让你连上台的机会都没有。
66. If you make me lose face, I will make sure you don’t even have a chance to step onto the stage.
67.你住在我心里，你交房租了吗？
67. You live in my heart; have you paid the rent?
68.体育老师说：谁敢穿裙子上我的课，就罚她倒立！
68. The physical education teacher said: Whoever dares to wear a skirt to my class will be punished by doing a handstand!
69.最尴尬的莫过于和女友去民政局登记，工作人员竟是前女友。
69. The most embarrassing thing is to go to the civil affairs bureau with your girlfriend to register, and the staff member turns out to be your ex-girlfriend.
70.不喜欢我，我就把你阉了做我妹。
70. If you don’t like me, I’ll castrate you and make you my sister.
71.我站在你的城府里大声叫到：哎哟！满深的啊！
71. I stand in your cunning city and shout loudly: Ouch! It’s so deep!
72.第三者不是后来的那个，而是不被深爱的那个。
72. The third party is not the one who comes later, but the one who is not deeply loved.
73.世界上最郁闷的事莫过于踩到自己拉的粑粑。
73. The most depressing thing in the world is stepping on your own poop.
74.穿别人的鞋走别人的路，让别人既找不到鞋又找不到路。
74. Wear other people’s shoes and walk on their path, so they can’t find either the shoes or the path.
75.姐不是蒙娜丽莎，不会对每个人都微笑。
75. I’m not the Mona Lisa; I don’t smile at everyone.
76.男人说喜欢你，只是喜欢你的身体罢了。
76. When a man says he likes you, he just likes your body.
77.世上男人千千万，实在不行天天换。
77. There are thousands of men in the world; if it doesn’t work out, change them every day.
78.牛B中的战斗机，贱人中的VIP。
78. A fighter jet among badasses, a VIP among the despicable.
79.肖邦，你要能弹出劳资的悲伤，劳资就给你一块钱。
79. Chopin, if you can play my sorrow, I’ll give you a dollar.
80.我们活着的大多数人，一辈子只做了三件事：自欺、欺人、被人欺。
80. Most of us do three things in our lives: deceive ourselves, deceive others, and be deceived by others.
81.我不怕喝敌敌畏，就怕开盖畅饮，再来一瓶。
81. I’m not afraid of drinking pesticide, but I’m afraid of opening a bottle and getting another one for free.
82.如果你是一朵花，那牛都不拉粪了。
82. If you were a flower, even cows wouldn’t make dung.
83.你一出门千山鸟飞绝，万径人宗灭。
83. When you go out, all the birds in the mountains fly away, and all the people on the paths vanish.
84.女人如衣服，但姐是你穿不出来的气质。
84. Women are like clothes, but I’m the temperament you can’t wear.
85.为了祖国的下一代，再丑都得谈恋爱，谈到世界充满爱。
85. For the sake of the next generation of our motherland, even if you’re ugly, you have to fall in love and make the world full of love.
86.打算理发了，甩流海甩得头都崴了。
86. I’m planning to get a haircut; I’ve been tossing my bangs so much that my head is twisted.
87.我的兴趣爱好可分为静态和动态两种，静态就是睡觉，动态就是翻身。
87. My hobbies can be divided into static and dynamic: static is sleeping, and dynamic is turning over.
88.刷牙是件悲喜交加的事，一手拿杯具，一手拿洗具。
88. Brushing teeth is a mixed experience of joy and sorrow, holding a cup in one hand and a toothbrush in the other.
89.锄禾日当午，上学真幸苦，已进入学校，罚站一下午。
89. Hoeing in the midday sun, school is really tough; as soon as I enter the school, I stand for an afternoon.
90.我平胸我骄傲，我为国家省布料。
90. I’m flat-chested, and I’m proud; I save fabric for the country.
91.执子之手，将子拖走，子若不走，拍晕了继续拖走！
91. Holding your hand, I’ll drag you away; if you don’t leave, I’ll knock you out and keep dragging you!
92.自从得了精神病，整个人都精神多了。
92. Ever since I got mental illness, I’ve become more energetic.
93.我没时间去讨厌那些讨厌我的人，因为我在忙着爱那些爱着我的人。
93. I don’t have time to hate those who hate me because I’m busy loving those who love me.
94.上床这么纯洁的事情，别被爱情玷污了。
94. Going to bed is such a pure thing; don’t let love tarnish it.
95.有些话，你想说自然会说，不想说，听到的也只是假话。
95. If you want to say something, you’ll say it; if not, what you hear will only be lies.
96.因为我什么都不怕，所以我什么都不能输。
96. Because I’m not afraid of anything, I can’t lose at anything.
97.有些人那么谦虚，有些人那么骄傲，却没有一个人实事求是。
97. Some people are so modest, while others are so arrogant, yet no one is being realistic.
98.我们就像两条平行线，永远也不会有交点。
98. We are like two parallel lines, never to have an intersection.
99.家长会和小三的性质都是一样的，都是挑拨家庭关系的。
99. Parent-teacher conferences and mistresses are of the same nature, both trying to disrupt family relationships.
100.世界上最爱我的男人，已经娶了我妈。
100. The man who loves me the most in the world has already married my mom.
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