1.有情人终成房奴，有房人终成眷属。
1. Lovers eventually become mortgage slaves, and those with houses eventually become couples.

2.现在的手机电脑都流行触屏。有位朋友特别感慨：现在科技发展这么快，说不准哪天电视都触屏了。另外一朋友说：你傻啊！有遥控器不用，非要走过去用手指戳？
2. Nowadays, mobile phones and computers are all about touchscreens. A friend remarked with emotion: “With technology developing so fast, who knows, maybe one day TVs will be touchscreens too.” Another friend replied: “You’re silly! Why not use a remote control and instead walk over to poke at the screen with your fingers?”

3.多谢你的绝情，让我学会死心……
3. Thank you for your ruthlessness, which taught me to give up…

4.知道什么是凌迟吗？我们都是被时间凌迟的人，一刀又一刀，直到面目全非。
4. Do you know what lingchi (slow slicing) is? We are all people who are being lingchi by time, cut after cut, until we are unrecognizable.

5.老公和老婆在一个被子里睡觉，老公打了一个喷嚏，喷了老婆一脸。老婆说：再有情况时提前说一声，过了一会。老公大声说：准备！老婆赶忙一头钻进被子里，只听“嘭”的一声，老公放了一个屁……。
5. A husband and wife were sleeping under the same blanket. The husband sneezed and sprayed his wife’s face. The wife said: “Next time, give me a heads up.” After a while, the husband shouted: “Get ready!” The wife quickly buried her head under the blanket, only to hear a “bang” as the husband farted…

6.是人都有阴暗面，如果你偏说你很单纯，那我只能说，你不是人！
6. Everyone has a dark side. If you insist on saying you are innocent, then I can only say, you are not human!

7.宝贝宝贝我爱你，就像老鼠爱大米，你是天上的风凤凰飞啊飞，我是地上的豺狼追啊追，我不打你也不骂你，我用感情折磨你。
7. Baby, I love you, like a mouse loves rice. You are the divine phoenix flying high in the sky, and I am the jackal chasing you on the ground. I won’t hit you or scold you, I’ll torment you with my feelings.

8.难道全世界的鸡蛋联合起来就能打破石头吗？！所以做人还是要现实些……
8. Can the whole world’s eggs unite and break a stone?! So, it’s better to be realistic in life…

9.世界上难以自拔的，除了牙齿，还有爱情。
9. The things that are hard to extricate oneself from in the world include teeth and love.

10.你在别人眼中有多风光，你在自己内心就有多悲怆！
10. The more glorious you are in others’ eyes, the more desolate you are in your own heart!

11.中分看鼻子，齐刘海看脸型，斜刘海看气质，无刘海看五官，我适合蒙面。
11. A center parting shows the nose, a full fringe shows the face shape, a side fringe shows the temperament, no fringe shows the facial features. I’m suitable for wearing a mask.

12.放自己的屁，让别人闻去吧！
12. Let me pass gas and let others smell it!

13.天涯何处无牛粪，何必单恋一坨屎。
13. There’s cow dung everywhere in the world, why be infatuated with a single pile of shit?

14.我不是广场上算卦的，唠不出那么多你爱听的嗑。
14. I’m not a fortune teller in the square, so I can’t chatter as much as you like.

15.两大悲剧  人生的两大悲剧：一是万念俱灰，一是踌躇满志。
15. The two great tragedies in life: one is despair, and the other is overconfidence.

16.智能手机地上狠一摔就变成智障手机
16. A smartphone becomes a mentally challenged phone when it’s smashed hard on the ground.

17.唐三藏：八戒，你跑两步给为师看看。猪八戒：师父，你为啥突然想看徒儿跑步？唐三藏：哎！惭愧！为师自幼在寺中长大，既没吃过猪肉，也没见过猪跑。
17. Tang Seng: Bajie, run a couple of steps for me to see. Zhu Bajie: Master, why do you suddenly want to see your disciple running? Tang Seng: Alas! I grew up in the temple and have never eaten pork or seen a pig run.

18.我们的目标：向钱看，向厚赚。
18. Our goal: Focus on money and make a fat profit.

19.爱我，就给我穿上婚纱，然后再亲手扒光。
19. If you love me, put a wedding dress on me and then strip me naked with your own hands.

20.收银员说：没零钱了，找你两个塑料袋吧。
20. The cashier said: “I don’t have any change, so here are two plastic bags for you.”

21.如果说大蒜是联邦制，那么香蕉就是邦联制，如果说葡萄是封建制，那么橘子就是郡县制，如果说芒果是中央集权，那么椰子就是虚君共和。
21. If garlic represents a federal system, then bananas represent a confederal system. If grapes represent a feudal system, then oranges represent a county system. If mangoes represent centralized power, then coconuts represent a constitutional monarchy.

22.在傻瓜眼里，聪明人的聪明一文不值。
22. In the eyes of a fool, the intelligence of a wise person is worth nothing.

23.师太，你就从了老衲吧！…很久很久以后…师太，你就饶了老衲吧！
23. “Nun, just give in to me, my dear…” …A long time later… “Nun, please spare me, my dear!”

24.你下面太硬了，我下面太湿了，看来下锅面真是一件不容易的事。
24. “Your noodles are too hard, and my soup is too watery. It seems that cooking this dish is not an easy task.”

25.老婆破天荒地第一次支持我买车——赶紧买辆车吧，这样去看我妈的时候带东西就不用不愁了，而且去看你妈的时候还可以多带点东西回来…
25. My wife, who never supports me, surprisingly supports me in buying a car - “Hurry up and buy a car! That way, when we visit my mom, we won’t have to worry about carrying things, and when we visit your mom, we can bring even more stuff back…”

26.当我微笑时，我的笑容充满了诗人般放荡不羁的气质，在这放荡不羁的背后流露着的却是细腻而温暖的情感。当我沉默时，仰首便仿佛唱诗班纯洁的翩翩少女，垂首则像深刻而高雅的贵族。是的，我便是这样一个将各种仿佛不可调和的特质，完美地融合在一起的男子。
26. When I smile, my smile is filled with a poet’s unrestrained and romantic temperament, yet behind this romanticism lies a delicate and warm emotion. When I am silent, looking up is like a pure and innocent choir girl, while looking down resembles a profound and elegant noble. Yes, I am a man who perfectly blends seemingly incompatible traits together.

27.别老看AV，你也不看看键盘上，字母A和V后面分别是什么。
27. Don’t always watch AV; you should also pay attention to what comes after the letters A and V on the keyboard.

28.那些习惯了化妆的不化都不敢出门，像我们不习惯化妆的化了都不敢出门了。
28. Those who are used to wearing makeup dare not go out without it, while those who are not used to it, like us, dare not go out even with makeup on.

29.早知道找个女朋友这么难，我就定娃娃亲了 ！
29. If I had known finding a girlfriend would be so difficult, I would have arranged a childhood marriage!

30.谁若烧了我姐妹的天堂，我定炖了她人的翅膀。
30. Whoever burns my sister’s paradise, I will definitely stew her wings.

31.如果你对目前的工作不太满意，觉得事业发展到了一个瓶颈，那么就去进修一个更高的学历吧，这样的话，毕业以后你就会明白，之前的失败跟学历似乎没什么关系。
31. If you are not satisfied with your current job and feel that your career has reached a bottleneck, go for a higher degree. Then, after graduation, you will realize that your previous failures have nothing to do with your education.

32.有妹妹的哥哥通常都很温柔，但是有弟弟的姐姐通常都会三秒钟变泼妇！
32. Brothers with younger sisters are usually gentle, but sisters with younger brothers often turn into shrewd women within three seconds!

33.难免埋怨时间的手，把相爱写成相爱过。
33. It’s inevitable to complain about the hands of time, turning “being in love” into “having been in love.”

34.鱼说：“我时时刻刻把眼睁开是为了在你身边不舍离开。”水说：“我终日流淌不知疲倦是为了围绕你，好好把你抱紧。”锅说：“都他妈快熟了还这么多废话。
34. Fish says, “I keep my eyes open all the time because I don’t want to leave your side.” Water says, “I flow day and night tirelessly, embracing you and holding you tight.” The pot says, “You both have so much to say even though you’re almost cooked.”

35.你骂我是因为你不够了解我，了解我的人都想砍我。
35. You insult me because you don’t know me well enough; those who know me want to chop me up.

36.当你想不通的时候，想一下自己是在中国，一切就豁然开朗了。
36. When you can’t figure something out, think about the fact that you are in China, and everything will suddenly become clear.

37.时光啊，还真就肉包子打狗了……
37. Time is like throwing meat buns to dogs…

38.失去的幸福，就是你屁眼上的菊花，往往只有拉肚子的时候，你才觉得它开的特显灿烂。
38. Lost happiness is like the chrysanthemum on your buttocks, only when you have diarrhea do you realize how brilliantly it blooms.

39.就算我是一坨屎，我也是一坨有思想的屎！
39. Even if I am a pile of shit, I am a thoughtful pile of shit!

40.听说泰囧要在荷兰拍续集了，你说叫啥名字？ 荷囧
40. I heard that “Lost in Thailand” will be shooting a sequel in the Netherlands. What do you think it will be called? “Lost in the Netherlands”

41.火可以试金，金可以试女人，女人可以试男人。
41. Fire can test gold, gold can test women, and women can test men.

42.不知我长短，我怎知你深浅。
42. If you don’t know my strengths and weaknesses, how can I know your true character?

43.头脑是日用品，不是装饰品。
43. The mind is a daily necessity, not a decoration.

44.一山不可以容二虎，除非一公和一母。
44. One mountain cannot accommodate two tigers, unless it’s a male and a female.

45.“你还爱我吗”这句话女人会在第一次和男人接吻第一次被男人抚摸第一次和男人上床男人赚到第一笔钱的时候各问若干次。
45. The phrase “Do you still love me?” is asked by women several times during their first kiss, first touch, first intimate encounter, and when the man earns his first sum of money.

46.整天不学好，整月不洗澡，整年往外跑，整辈子检讨
46. Not learning all day, not bathing for a month, running outside all year, and self-examining for a lifetime.

47.同事在网上买了一个几十块钱的手机贴膜，自己贴，全是气泡，于是拿到手机贴膜的摊位去重新贴。摊主拿过同事的手机看都没看就把贴膜撕下来，问同事：你自己贴的吧？同事：是的。摊主：你贴的是贴膜保护纸，贴膜让你扔了。
47. A colleague bought a cheap phone screen protector online and tried to apply it himself, but it was full of bubbles. So he took it to the phone accessory stand to get it re-applied. The vendor took the phone without even looking at it, tore off the screen protector, and asked the colleague: “You applied it yourself, right?” Colleague: “Yes.” Vendor: “You applied the screen protector’s protective paper, and you threw away the actual screen protector.”

48.我现在是吃了想吃吃了还想吃就不知道饱那回事！
48. Now I’m the type who eats and wants to eat, and eats again without knowing when to stop!

49.有个同事老大不小了，找不到对象，工会主席派了个大妈过来关心关心，问他打算找个什么样的，好张罗张罗。同事憋三天憋出个屁来：也没啥特别的，但一定要找回族的！大妈问他原因，他小声说：猪肉那么贵，找个不吃猪肉的省钱……。
49. A colleague is quite old but still hasn’t found a partner. The union chairman sent an aunt over to show concern and asked him what kind of person he was looking for, so she could help. After thinking for three days, the colleague said: “There’s nothing special, but I must find someone from the Hui ethnicity!” The aunt asked why, and he whispered: “Pork is so expensive; finding someone who doesn’t eat pork saves money…”

50.普通青年：下雪了，我就可以陪女友打雪仗了。高帅富：我又可以在雪中认识好多纯洁的女孩子了。矮丑穷：下雪了，我可以堆一个雪人陪我了，二逼青年：雪拌点白糖真好吃。
50. Average youth: It’s snowing, so I can play snowball fights with my girlfriend. Rich handsome guy: I can meet many pure and innocent girls in the snow. Short and ugly poor guy: It’s snowing, so I can build a snowman to keep me company. Crazy youth: Snow with some sugar added is really delicious.

51.世界上有两种生物会趴玻璃，一种是壁虎，一种是班主任。
51. There are two creatures in the world that can crawl on glass, one is a gecko, and the other is a head teacher.

52.最是夜深人静时，思念才变得如此放肆。
52. It is in the dead of night when thoughts become so unruly.

53.如果我死了，我的第一句话是：终于不用怕鬼了。
53. If I die, my first sentence will be: Finally, I don’t have to be afraid of ghosts anymore.

54.我这个人最老实。从不说谎话。这句除外。
54. I am the most honest person. I never lie. Except for this sentence.

55.别说我很高傲,只昰我拒绝与禽兽打交道。
55. Don’t say I’m arrogant; it’s just that I refuse to deal with beasts.

56.少年不胡作妄为，大胆放肆，试问老年时哪来的题材话当年。
56. If a young man doesn’t act recklessly and boldly, where will he find the stories to reminisce about in his old age?

57.我是一棵孤独的树，千百年来矗立在路旁，寂寞的等待，只为有一天你从我身边走过时为你倾倒，砸不扁你就算我白活了。
57. I am a lonely tree, standing by the roadside for thousands of years, waiting in solitude, just to topple over for you one day as you pass by, and if I don’t flatten you, then I’ve lived my life in vain.

58.中午在食堂叫了两个菜。吃第一个我震撼了世界上还有比这更难吃的菜吗？吃第二个我哭了还真有啊。
58. At noon in the cafeteria, I ordered two dishes. After eating the first one, I was shocked: Is there any dish harder to eat in the world? After eating the second one, I cried: There really is!

59.一栋老楼门口，一个年轻人发现一个老人手里提着大包小包的也要上楼，于是主动帮助老人把全部东西提了上去。到了老人的家门口，老人感谢道：“谢谢你，小伙子。你帮了我一个大忙。顺便问一下，你抽烟吗？”小伙子急忙说：“我抽烟。不过谢谢您。”老人说道：“哦，怪不得，你看你这么年轻，上楼剃还喘粗气。”
59. In front of an old building, a young man noticed an elderly person carrying a lot of packages and offered to help carry them upstairs. When they reached the old person’s door, the old man thanked him and asked, “Do you smoke?” The young man hurriedly replied, “I do, but thank you.” The old man said, “Oh, no wonder. You’re so young, and you’re already panting after climbing the stairs.”

60.不怕美女千千万，就怕美女来放电：秋波暗送叫微电，眼神火辣高压电。单相思叫直流电，双相思叫交流电。一见钟情叫来电，两情相悦叫通电。爱情就像蓄电池，要时常充电！
60. Don’t be afraid of thousands of beautiful women, but be afraid when they send out sparks: Flirtatious glances are low voltage, fiery eyes are high voltage. Unrequited love is direct current, mutual love is alternating current. Love at first sight is an incoming call, mutual affection is a connected call. Love is like a battery, it needs to be recharged from time to time!

61.别惹我，否则我会让你死得很有节奏感。
61. Don’t provoke me, or I’ll make your death full of rhythm.

62.做人就要做一个徘徊在牛A和牛C之间的人。
62. To be a person, one should be someone between awesome (牛A) and incredible (牛C).

63.老子不但有车，还是自行的……
63. I have a car, and it’s a bicycle…

64.我费劲千辛爬上梯子的顶端，却发现梯子搭错了墙头……
64. I struggled to climb to the top of the ladder, only to find that I had set it up against the wrong wall…

65.情人节，我辗转找到一个我中学暗恋的女生的电话，给她发了一条短信：如果只有一碗粥，你先喝半碗，剩下的半碗，我放在怀里给你保温…几分钟后，她回了一条短信：你是谁介绍的？一次四百，包夜七百。
65. On Valentine’s Day, I found the phone number of a girl I had a crush on in high school and sent her a text message: If there’s only one bowl of porridge, you drink half, and I’ll keep the other half warm in my arms… A few minutes later, she replied: Who introduced you? Four hundred for one time, seven hundred for overnight.

66.女人小时候的观护所，长大后的监理所，结婚后的避难所。
66. A woman’s nursery, a supervisory office when she grows up, and a refuge after marriage.

67.其实世界还是对女生比较残酷，你看，男生长得丑，如果温和善良身体强壮吃苦耐劳有才能钟情专一，随意具备几项，就能大大加分。如果女生长得丑，有这些好像也没用……。
67. In fact, the world is still more cruel to girls. Look, if a guy is ugly but gentle, kind, strong, hardworking, talented, and loyal, he can score big with just a few of these qualities. But if a girl is ugly, it seems like having these qualities doesn’t help…

68.心理学研究发现，人们在照镜子时大脑会自动进行脑补，镜子中的你大概比真实长相好看%也就是说，实际上你真实的长相比你自我感觉上的你要丑％左右。专家表示，这就是为什么很多人照相时感觉不像的原因，原来是我一直想太多！
68. Psychological research has found that when people look in the mirror, the brain automatically fills in the gaps, making your reflection about 10% more attractive than your actual appearance. Experts say this is why many people feel unlike themselves in photos, and it turns out I’ve been overthinking it!

69.一女同学黑了些，她男友又太白了些，有天宿舍里的毒舌天后突然对她冒出一句：“你们这样不行，你们会生出斑马来的。”
69. A female classmate was a bit dark, and her boyfriend was too pale. One day, a sharp-tongued queen in the dorm suddenly said to her, “This won’t do, you two. You’ll have zebra offspring.”

70.经过周末两天的休息，大家现在都很累了……
70. After a weekend of rest, everyone is now very tired…

71.某塑料厂推销员，在一次全国性的订货会上，向各地来宾介绍：“本厂生产的印花薄膜雨披，经久耐用，式样新颖。”说着，他拿出一件往身上一披，突然发现这件雨披肩上破裂，只见他微微一笑，不慌不忙地继续说：“大家看见没有？像这种坏的，我们是可以退换的。”
71. At a national订货会上, a salesperson from a certain plastic factory introduced, “Our factory’s printed film raincoats are durable and fashionable.” As he put on one to demonstrate, the raincoat suddenly tore on the shoulder. With a slight smile, he calmly continued, “As you can see, we can exchange or return the defective ones.”

72.不过是想玩玩水而已，怎么会被游泳圈卡住呢？
72. I just wanted to play with water, how could I get stuck in a swimming ring?

73.在成才的路上，我天天过着傻B似的生活！其实我很聪明，只不过智商低了点。
73. On the road to success, I live a foolish life every day! In fact, I am very smart, but my IQ is just a bit low.

74.据说某公司招聘，先把收到的一大堆简历随机扔掉一半，因为他们的招聘理念是“我们不要运气不好的人。”
74. It is said that a certain company randomly throws away half of the resumes they receive, as their recruitment philosophy is “We don’t want people with bad luck.”

75.你要走，我不拦你，你要死，我帮你！
75. If you want to leave, I won’t stop you; if you want to die, I will help you!

76.女人无所谓正派，正派是因为受到的引诱不够；男人无所谓忠诚，忠诚是因为背叛的筹码太低。
76. Women are not inherently virtuous; they are virtuous because they haven’t been tempted enough. Men are not inherently loyal; they are loyal because the price for betrayal is too low.

77.问君能有几多愁，恰似一群太监上青楼……
77. What can I say about my sorrow? It’s like a group of eunuchs visiting a brothel…

78.找对象，不要看对方人又多好，而是看对方对你有多好。
78. When looking for a partner, don’t focus on how good the person is, but on how good they are to you.

79.你看，总有那么多的事情让你伤感：阴晴圆缺，悲欢离合，阳痿早泄…
79. Look, there are always so many things that make you feel sad: the changing weather, joys and sorrows, impotence and premature ejaculation…

80.长痘是因为你帅的冒泡！
80. Having acne is because you are so handsome that it bubbles over!

81.很多女孩都是得了韩红的病，但是没有韩红的命。
81. Many girls have Han Hong’s illness, but they don’t have Han Hong’s fate.

82.我建议大家对我的长相，理解为主，欣赏为辅。
82. I suggest that when it comes to my appearance, understanding should be the main focus, and appreciation as a secondary aspect.

83.无耻也是一种品质！思念是一种神经病！
83. Shamelessness is also a quality! Missing someone is a kind of mental illness!

84.对爱义无返顾是因为一无所知，对爱小心谨慎是因为一知半解，对爱拒之千里是因为大彻大悟。
84. Being reckless in love is due to ignorance, being cautious in love is due to partial understanding, and rejecting love completely is due to full enlightenment.

85.生活，就是我妈把我生出来，我就必须活下去。
85. Life is when my mom gave birth to me, and I have to keep living.

86.蹲在厕所数蛆——反正是恶心死人不偿命！
86. Counting maggots in the toilet – it’s just disgusting people to death without compensation!

87.老师问：世界上有一种马，由黑白颜色组成，请问是什么马？小明：二维码！老师：滚出去。
87. The teacher asked: What kind of horse is composed of black and white colors? Xiao Ming: QR code! Teacher: Get out!

88.冬天最流氓了，总是喜欢对我冻手冻脚冻脸冻耳朵。
88. Winter is the most mischievous, always fondling me with its cold hands, face, and ears.

89.儿子岁那会儿，因为刚让他分床睡，所以经常吵着要跟我们一块儿睡。一天，我应酬喝酒到凌晨才回家，媳妇就跟儿子说：“儿子，你看你爸好可怜，工作到半夜那么辛苦，还不能挨着自个的媳妇儿睡！” 谁知小家伙冒了句：“妈妈，我更可怜，我连媳妇儿都没有！”
89. When my son was a child, since we had just let him sleep separately, he often demanded to sleep with us. One day, I came home late in the morning after a business dinner, and my wife told our son, “Look at your dad, he’s so pitiful. He works so hard until midnight and can’t even sleep with his own wife!” The little guy replied, “Mom, I’m even more pitiful; I don’t even have a wife!”

90.孔子说：再丑也要谈恋爱，谈到世界充满爱。
90. Confucius said: No matter how ugly you are, you should still fall in love, so that the world will be filled with love.

91.当你躺在别人床上的时候，别忘了那姿势还是我教你的。
91. When you lie in someone else’s bed, don’t forget that I’m the one who taught you that position.

92.美色是镇暴的最佳武器。
92. Beauty is the best weapon to quell riots.

93.家人说话耳旁风，外人说话金字经。
93. Family words are耳边 wind, while outsiders’ words are golden scriptures.

94.很感谢那些耐心回答我的人，公交上那个姐姐，还有那位大叔，我不知道他们是不是本地人，但我们遇到的一个交警协管，一位头发花白的大姐，她是上海本地人，很和善，并不像有些人说的上海人很排外。事实上，什么都不是绝对的。
94. I am very grateful to those who patiently answered my questions, the sister on the bus and that uncle. I don’t know if they are locals, but we met a traffic police assistant, a kind-hearted older lady with white hair. She is a local Shanghai resident and doesn’t seem to be as exclusive as some people say Shanghai people are. In fact, nothing is absolute.

95.与人争执时，退一步海阔天空；追女友时，退一步人去楼空。
95. When arguing with others, taking a step back brings a broader perspective; when chasing a girlfriend, taking a step back leaves you with an empty room.

96.最佳闺蜜排挡：一个逗比，一个美比，一个学霸，一个女汉纸。
96. The best group of girlfriends: one funny, one pretty, one smart, and one tough.

97.很黑的深夜，我突然想要学习，可是当我找到蜡烛的时候，天已经亮了……
97. In the pitch-black night, I suddenly wanted to study, but by the time I found a candle, it was already morning…

98.婚姻是爱情的坟墓，没有坟墓你将死无葬身之地。
98. Marriage is the grave of love; without a grave, you will have no place to rest in death.

99.男人的思念是对肉体的一种饥渴之情，是对性欲一种发自内心的呼唤。我很不幸，得了这种美名其曰相思的病。
99. A man’s longing is a hunger for the physical, a heartfelt call for sexual desire. Unfortunately, I have contracted this so-called lovesickness.

100.生下来的人没有怕死的，怕死的都TM没生下来，所以谁都别TM的装横！
1. People are not born fearing death; it’s those who are too scared that don’t get born, so no one should act all tough!

1.女人谨记：一定要吃好玩好喝好睡好，一旦累死了，就有别的女人花咱的钱，住咱的房，睡咱的老公，泡咱的男朋友，还打咱的孩子。
2. Women, remember: You must eat well, play well, drink well, and sleep well. Once you’re dead, another woman will spend your money, live in your house, sleep with your husband, date your boyfriend, and even smack your kids.

2.庄严承诺对外不首先使用城管。
3. Solemnly promise not to deploy urban management officers unless absolutely necessary.

3.如果我死了，别忘了在我的棺材里面安个空调，格力的。
4. If I die, don’t forget to install an air conditioner in my coffin, a Gree one.

4.等我有钱了，咱买棒棒糖，买二根……！一根你看着我吃，另一根我吃给你看。
4. When I’m rich, we’ll buy lollipops, two of them… one for you to watch me eat, and the other for me to eat while you watch.

5.一男生鼓起勇气向一女生表白，女生说：“明天下课后，你从校门口往外走，到第四个路口右转，我告诉你答案。” 第二天，男孩精心打扮了一番，兴冲冲的去了。 回来后，哥们儿七嘴八舌地问结果，男生失望的说：“那是一个死胡同。”
5. A boy gathers courage to confess to a girl, and the girl says, “After class tomorrow, walk out of the school gate, turn right at the fourth intersection, and I’ll give you my answer.” The next day, the boy dresses up carefully and goes there excitedly. When he comes back, his friends ask about the result, and the boy says disappointedly, “It was a dead end.”

6.人和猪的区别就是：猪一直是猪，而人有时却不是人！
6. The difference between humans and pigs is that pigs are always pigs, while sometimes humans are not human!

7.比遇见一个泼妇更让人头痛的是……同时遇见两个泼妇。
7. What is more headache-inducing than encountering a shrew? Encountering two shrews at the same time.

8.一开始让我去学校的时候，其实我，是拒绝的。不能你让我去我就去。我跟妈妈讲，我拒绝，我要当海贼王的女人，去学校很没面子。妈妈跟我讲，去学校会加特技，“duang”很帅，很拉风。加了一会以后呢，我学习也都会是“duang”，很NB。我想让你们看到，我上学的时候是这个样子，你们上学的时候，也会是这个样子。
8. At first, when I was asked to go to school, actually, I refused. I can’t just go because you tell me to. I told my mom, “I refuse. I want to be the woman of the Pirate King. Going to school is very embarrassing.” My mom told me that going to school would add special effects, “duang” very handsome, very cool. After adding for a while, my studies would also be “duang”, very awesome. I want you to see that when I go to school, it’s like this, and when you go to school, it will be like this too.

9.好好活着，因为我们会死很久！
9. Live well, because we will be dead for a long time!

10.生活与生存之间就一字之差，但却是天上人间，有多少人在生活，又有多少人在生存？试问自己是在生活还是在生存？
10. There is only one character difference between life and existence, but it is like heaven and earth. How many people are living, and how many are merely surviving? Ask yourself, are you living or just existing? Please translate the above paragraph (original text) into corresponding English lines, ensuring the translation is in line with English habits, maintains the original sequence numbers, punctuation, and tags. Check: The translation should be the same as the original text when translated back into the original language, if not, please re-translate without adding any additional explanations or descriptions, and return the entire translation.

11.何必兔子满山跑  既然窝边还有草，何必兔子满山跑!
11. Why bother running all over the mountain when there’s grass right by the burrow?

12.捐进自己的账户  如果我中了五百万，我觉得还是捐进自己的账户吧。
12. Donate to my own account. If I win five million, I think I’d rather donate it to my own account.

13.我觉得地球好危险，我想火星了。
13. I think Earth is dangerous; I miss Mars.

15.爱迪生和一对情侣出去玩 后来发明了电灯泡。
15. Edison went out with a couple and later invented the light bulb.

16.我深深地爱着你你却爱上一个傻B，傻B还不爱你，你比傻B还傻B，喔……你还给傻B织毛衣。。。
16. I love you deeply, but you fell in love with a fool. The fool doesn’t even love you; you’re even more foolish than the fool. Oh… and you knit a sweater for the fool.

17.心里有座坟，葬着未亡人。
17. There’s a grave in my heart, burying the living.

18.“死猪”这样骂猪是不对的，猪会生气的。
18. It’s not right to call a pig “dead pig” like that; the pig might get angry.

19.我给儿子买了气球，儿子就高兴的拿着出去玩了。没多久，邻居来告诉我不知道咋的一个孩子哭着跟在一个孕妇后面，我心想可别是我儿子，就赶紧出门去看。远远地就看见儿子跟着那个人，走近了，就听那个孕妇不耐烦的问孩子：“你为什么一直跟着我哭？”儿子答道：“我的气球不见了，是不是被你藏在肚子里了？”
19. I bought a balloon for my son, and he happily took it outside to play. Soon after, a neighbor came to tell me that a child was crying and following a pregnant woman. I thought, “Please don’t let it be my son,” and hurried out to see. From a distance, I saw my son following the person. As I got closer, I heard the pregnant woman impatiently ask the child, “Why are you crying and following me?” My son replied, “I lost my balloon; did you hide it in your belly?”

20.你的眼睛就象天上的明月，一只初一；一只十五。
20. Your eyes are like the bright moon in the sky, one on the first day of the lunar month; one on the fifteenth.

21.如果你不小气，你的个头就不会这么低！
21. If you weren’t so stingy, you wouldn’t be so short!

22.什么是朋友？朋友永远是在你犯下不可原谅错误的时候，仍旧站在你那边的笨蛋！
22. What is a friend? A friend is someone who remains on your side even when you’ve made an unforgivable mistake, you foolish person!

23.骑士总会救出公主，但恶龙也从未伤害她，最后她嫁给了王子。
23. The knight always rescues the princess, but the dragon never really hurt her. In the end, she marries the prince.

24.你快回来，我一人忽悠不来！
24. Come back soon; I can’t fool people on my own!

25.老师说，我们还小，不要谈恋爱，因为都是在养别人媳妇，不值得！
25. The teacher said we are too young to fall in love, because we are just raising other people’s wives, and it’s not worth it!

26.你的牙如同天上的繁星，色泽鲜艳，相距甚远。
26. Your teeth are like the bright stars in the sky, colorful and far apart.

27.企鹅GG和企鹅MM去约会，企鹅MM还没有到约会的地点，企鹅GG就一直在左看看，右看看…左看看，右看看…左看看，右看看…… 企鹅MM来了后看见企鹅GG这个样子，怒了！ 一巴掌呼了过去骂道：“你以为你TMD在登陆QQ啊！”
27. Penguin GG and Penguin MM went on a date. Before企鹅MM arrived at the meeting place,企鹅GG kept looking left and right… left and right… left and right… When 企鹅MM arrived and saw 企鹅GG like this, she got angry and slapped him, exclaiming, “Do you think you’re logging into QQ?!”

28.平时逗比的人一旦正经起来真的超级帅 比如我。
28. When a usually funny person becomes serious, they become incredibly handsome, like me.

29.英语听力就是听两傻逼说话，完了还反过来问我们，他们说了什么。
29. English listening is like listening to two idiots talk, and then they ask us what they said.

30.鲜花往往不属于赏花的人，而属于牛粪。
30. Beautiful flowers often don’t belong to the赏花人, but to the cow dung.

31.打个小麻将，吃个麻辣烫。找个小对象，生活就这样。
31. Play a small game of mahjong, eat some spicy hot pot. Find a small partner, and that’s life.

32.“紫薇，你有什么苦，今日都跟朕讲讲吧，是谁打了你？”“回皇上的话，嬷嬷嬷打”“告状就告状，你卖什么萌呀”
32. “Zi Wei, what grievances do you have? Tell me today, who hit you?” “Mammy hit me.” “If you want to complain, just complain. Why are you acting cute?”

33.天我上了公交车又看见了那个漂亮的MM，这时我给她传了一个纸条，纸上说：和我交个朋友好不好，如果好就写上你的联系地址传回来，如果不好就打开车窗让它随风飘去吧，一会儿那张纸条传了回来，我欣喜的打开一看：对不起，车窗打不开。
33. Today I got on the bus and saw that pretty girl again. I passed her a note saying: “Shall we be friends? If yes, write your contact address and pass it back. If not, open the window and let it float away with the wind.” After a while, the note came back. I eagerly opened it and saw: “Sorry, the window won’t open.”

34.扫黄不让播了  是啊。您多出名啊，拍过多部电影，就是现在扫黄不让播了。
34. The crackdown on pornography has stopped the broadcast, right? Yeah, you’re so famous, you’ve acted in several movies, but now the crackdown on pornography has stopped them from being shown.

35.有情人终成房奴，有房人终成眷属。
35. Lovers eventually become mortgage slaves, while those with houses eventually become couples.

36.你太矮了！借你望远镜吧，再看清楚点，我不帅吗？
36. You’re too short! Here, use this telescope to see more clearly. Am I not handsome?

37.我以为只要我晒得和煤炭一样黑就不会有人认出我了，可是我错了，我完全错了，现在的我，已经黑得发亮了。
37. I thought that if I tanned myself as black as coal, no one would recognize me. But I was wrong, completely wrong. Now, I’m so black that I shine.

38.复习=不挂科，不复习=挂科，所以，复习+不复习=不挂科+挂科，提公因式（+不）复习=（不+）挂科，约分，所以，复习=挂科 。我靠，真理诞生了…
38. Reviewing = not failing, not reviewing = failing. So, reviewing + not reviewing = not failing + failing. Factor out the common factor (+ not) reviewing = (not +) failing. Simplify, so reviewing = failing. Wow, a new truth is born…

39.我不想娶老婆老婆却娶了我。
39. I didn’t want to marry a wife, but a wife ended up marrying me.

40.如果领导下个月再不给我加薪，我就辞职，辞职前再给他送两条中华，抽死他。
40. If my leader doesn’t give me a raise next month, I’ll resign. Before resigning, I’ll give him two packs of Zhonghua cigarettes to smoke him to death.

41.我们只要有一颗自信心，神马都米有鸭梨。
41. As long as we have self-confidence, there will be no pressure.

42.只要有人对你说他忙，就等于向你宣布你对他不重要。。昨天晚上我没有失约，我翻墙进去找你了，可是院子里那条愚蠢的狗把我咬出来了。
42. If someone tells you they’re busy, it means they’re declaring that you’re unimportant to them. Last night, I didn’t break our appointment; I climbed over the wall to find you, but that stupid dog in the yard bit me out.

43.一个朋友，家里有钱，岁就买车了，结果爱开快车出车祸右腿骨折，之后就特别稳，但是被大卡车追尾推到树田里腹部积水，然后对我说与车无缘，不开车了省油钱买了一苹果六，前两天传来消息，因为路滑，车在红绿灯处把他撞了，高潮是人没事，手机摔坏了，心塞。
43. A friend of mine, wealthy, bought a car at 16. He loved driving fast and got into a car accident, breaking his right leg. After that, he became more cautious, but then he was rear-ended by a truck and pushed into a tree field, causing abdominal water accumulation. He then told me he had no more connection with cars, saved gas money, and bought an iPhone 6. A few days ago, I heard that due to slippery roads, a car hit him at a traffic light. The climax is that he’s fine, but his phone was broken, and he’s heartbroken.

44.还没来得及去沾花惹草，花草就被人拔光了。
44. Before I had a chance to flirt, all the flowers and grass had already been uprooted.

45.用完的牙签放回牙签罐里，摇一摇。后来去餐馆吃饭，发现很多人都有相同的习惯。
45. Put used toothpicks back in the toothpick jar and shake it. Later, at a restaurant, I found that many people have the same habit.

46.如果朋友可以出卖，每个值五块的话，我也能发笔小财了。
46. If I could sell my friends for five dollars each, I could make a small fortune.

47.班主任怒气冲冲的走进教室对同学们说：你们叫我语文张我也就忍了，可是你们为什么叫刚来的教政治的范老师为政治犯？
47. The headteacher stormed into the classroom and said to the students: “I can tolerate you calling me ‘Chinese Teacher Zhang,’ but why do you call the newly arrived political teacher ‘Political Criminal’ Fan?

48.承诺，就像放屁，当时惊天动地，过后苍白无力。
48. Promises are like farts; they’re earth-shattering at the time, but afterwards, they’re powerless.

49.为什么我们都把黑暗给了魔鬼，因为他们勇敢，都不怕黑。
49. Why do we give darkness to demons? Because they’re brave and not afraid of the dark.

50.我吸烟的理由很简单：我爷爷吸烟，我爸爸也吸烟，轮到我不能断了香火。
50. My reason for smoking is simple: My grandfather smoked, my father smoked, and when it comes to me, I can’t break the family tradition.

51.有人说我黑，我就笑了，呵呵，你白是为了遮丑，我又不用。
51. Someone said I’m black, and I laughed. Hehe, your whiteness is just to cover up your ugliness; I don’t need to do that.

52.其实我是故意不长个的，因为我恐高，长太高看着就怕。
52. Actually, I deliberately didn’t grow taller because I’m afraid of heights. If I were too tall, I would be scared just by looking down.

53.一神经病在床上唱歌，唱着唱着翻了个身，趴在枕头上继续唱歌，主治医生问：“唱就唱吧，你翻身干什么？”神经病说：“傻B，A面唱完了当然要唱B面了。”
53. A mentally ill person was singing in bed, and after singing for a while, they turned over and continued singing on their stomach. The attending doctor asked, “If you’re going to sing, just sing. Why did you turn over?” The mentally ill person replied, “You idiot, of course I have to sing the B side after finishing the A side.”

54.不用说什么你配不上我这种话，我们又不是手机和充电器。
54. There’s no need to say that you don’t match me or anything like that, we’re not mobile phones and chargers.

55.我不是那种落井下石的人，我是直接把井口封了。
55. I’m not the kind of person who would hit someone when they’re down; I’d just seal the well entrance instead.

56.当别人骂你丑时，你应该回答你眼睛瞎了啊！
56. When someone calls you ugly, you should reply, “Are you blind or something?”

57.早上儿子看到邻居家女孩出嫁就问：爸爸，为什么姐姐哭了。爸爸说：因为她要嫁人了，去别人家了，就会很少回来了。儿子想了想说：爸爸，妈妈总是欺负我们，要不我们也把她嫁了吧！偶尔让她回来给我们洗洗衣服就行了。
57. One morning, the son saw the neighbor’s daughter getting married and asked, “Dad, why is the sister crying?” The father said, “It’s because she’s getting married and leaving for another’s home, so she won’t be coming back often.” The son thought for a moment and said, “Dad, mom always bullies us. Why don’t we just marry her off too? Let her come back occasionally to do our laundry.”

58.现在的天气，自来水可直接泡方便面。
58. The current weather is such that tap water can be used to directly prepare instant noodles.

59.你是不是觉得你胸小还替国家省布料了还挺骄傲啊！
59. Do you think you’re proud of having small breasts and saving fabric for the country?

60.问一同事：“你买了中石油吗？”同事说：“呸！你才买了中石油呢。你们全家都买了中石油，还买了中石化！”
60. I asked a colleague, “Did you buy China National Petroleum Corporation (CNPC) stock?” The colleague replied, “Ptui! You’re the one who bought CNPC stock. Your whole family bought CNPC and even Sinopec stocks!”

61.女生就像中秋的月饼，过了十五的晚上就不值钱了！
61. Girls are like mooncakes during the Mid-Autumn Festival; they lose their value after the night of the fifteenth.

62.安慰别人的话，终究安慰不了自己。
62. Comforting words for others can never truly comfort oneself.

63.单身并不难，难的是应付那些千方百计想让你结束单身的人。
63. Being single is not difficult; the challenge lies in dealing with those who try every means to end your singlehood.

64.我总在牛A与牛C之间徘徊。
64. I always wander between A and C.

65.我很丑可是我很持久！
65. I may be ugly, but I last long!

66.你看看你这孩子长的，真是发型对不起头型，头型对不起脸型，脸型对不起脖型，脖型对不起身型，你简直就是个畸形嘛！说多了都是泪，你还是自己领悟去吧！相信有一天你一定会懂得的！
66. Look at you, this child is really a mess: the hairstyle doesn’t match the head shape, the head shape doesn’t match the face shape, the face shape doesn’t match the neck shape, and the neck shape doesn’t match the body shape. You’re practically a freak! It’s all in tears, so you better figure it out yourself. Believe that one day you will understand!

67.关于如何判断一个女生是南方还是北方的，有人给出了一个很好的答案：关于“你错了”，北方女生会说：“你胡说！”南方女生则会讲：“你乱讲~”分别代表了豪放派与婉约派。你会怎么说……。
67. Regarding how to judge whether a girl is from the south or the north, someone gave a great answer: for “you’re wrong,” northern girls would say, “You’re talking nonsense!” while southern girls would say, “You’re babbling~” These represent the bold and the gentle styles. What would you say…?

68.姐只会让你吐血  别迷恋哥，哥只是个传说，别爱上姐，姐只会让你吐血.
68. I’ll only make you bleed. Don’t be infatuated with my brother, he’s just a legend. Don’t fall in love with me, I’ll only make you bleed.

69.关于丁字裤：以前，脱下内裤看屁股；现在，拔开屁股看内裤…
69. About thongs: In the past, you’d take off your underwear to see the butt; now, you have to spread the butt to see the underwear…

70.俗话说，常在河边走哪有不湿鞋。我想说姐穿的是靴子，防水
70. As the saying goes, “If you walk by the river long enough, you’ll get your shoes wet.” I’d like to say that I’m wearing boots, which are waterproof.

71.谁他二大爷的告诉我诺基亚能砸核桃，现在黑屏了。
71. Who the hell told me that Nokia phones can crack walnuts? Now the screen is black.

72.今天准备做件事：想你；骗你。
72. Today, I plan to do something: think about you; deceive you.

73.其实我是一个天才，只可惜天妒英才!
73. In fact, I am a genius, but sadly, the heavens are envious of my talent!

74.上课时候和同桌打架，双双被罚站。下课老师问我知错了么，我说知道了，老师问我错哪儿了，我说打架不该占用上课时间，应该下课打，于是又被带到办公室罚站了一节课……。
74. During class, I had a fight with my deskmate, and we were both punished to stand. After class, the teacher asked if I knew I was wrong. I said yes, and when asked where I went wrong, I said that fighting shouldn’t have taken up class time and should have happened after class. So, I was taken to the office and made to stand for another class…

75.唾沫是用来数钞票的，而不是用来讲道理的！
75. Spit is for counting money, not for reasoning!

76.若是晴天你便安好，这天气，看来你已经不在了吧！
76. If it’s a sunny day, you must be doing well. With this weather, it seems you’re no longer around!

77.从天堂到地狱，我路过人间！
77. From heaven to hell, I pass through the human world!

78.你知道男人这一生最痛苦的事情是什么吗？是没媳妇。那你知道男人更痛苦的事情是什么吗？有媳妇，跟别人跑了。
78. Do you know the most painful thing in a man’s life? It’s not having a wife. And do you know what’s even more painful for a man? Having a wife who runs off with someone else.

79.lz姓沈，平时同学叫我老沈，而我爷爷也被家里人称为老沈。有一次一二货同学来我家找我，咣咣咣地敲门啊。当时我爸开的门，那货一愣，直接崩出一句“老沈在不在？”GC来了，当时我爸也愣了，直接来了句“我爸没在！”
79. My surname is Shen, and my classmates usually call me “Old Shen.” My grandfather is also called “Old Shen” by the family. One day, a classmate came to my house looking for me and knocked on the door loudly. My dad opened the door, and the guy was stunned. He blurted out, “Is Old Shen here?” The climax came when my dad was also stunned and replied, “My dad’s not here!”

80.他们说在喜欢的人面前会变笨，难道我喜欢上作业了？不可能啊。
80. They say you become stupid in front of someone you like. Could it be that I’ve fallen in love with homework? That’s impossible.

81.人之初，性本善，你掏钱，我吃饭。
81. At the beginning of humanity, nature is inherently good. You pay, I eat.

82.我的爱情世界是贫民窟，你的却是万丈高楼。
82. My love life is a slum, while yours is a towering skyscraper.

83.妇炎洁都控制不了你的骚气侧漏，可以试试看内服管不管用。
83. Even feminine hygiene products can’t control your overflowing flirtatiousness; you can try taking some internally to see if it works.

84.这年头，女人漂亮的不下厨房，下厨房的不温柔，温柔的没主见，有主见的没女人味，有女人味的乱花钱，不乱花钱的不时尚，时尚的不放心，放心的没法看！
84. Nowadays, beautiful women don’t cook, women who cook are not gentle, gentle women have no opinions, opinionated women lack femininity, feminine women spend money recklessly, frugal women are not fashionable, fashionable women are not trustworthy, and trustworthy women are not attractive!

85.《XX联播》：前分钟领导们都很忙，中间分钟全国人民都很幸福，后分钟世界其他国家都处在水生火热中。
85. “XX News Broadcast”: In the first few minutes, the leaders are very busy; in the middle minutes, the people across the nation are very happy; in the last few minutes, the rest of the world is in turmoil.

86.流氓不可怕，就怕流氓有文化。
86. Hooligans are not可怕, but educated hooligans are.

87.见到我以后你会突然发现——啊，原来帅也可以这样具体呀！
87. After seeing me, you will suddenly realize - ah, it turns out that handsome can be so specific!

88.有一天和男友逛街，先买了一个小仙人球用黑色袋子装起，然后去水果店买水果，老板以为我偷他的水果，就悄悄的捏了一把我提的黑色袋子，只听见一声惨叫…。
88. One day, while strolling with my boyfriend, we first bought a small cactus wrapped in a black bag, then went to a fruit store to buy fruit. The store owner thought I was stealing his fruit and quietly squeezed the black bag I was carrying, followed by a scream…

89.打死你我也不会说。
89. I would never tell you even if I were beaten to death.

90.青年靠什么混日子？头等青年靠出身，二等青年靠关系，三等青年靠天资，四等青年靠努力，五等青年耍文艺，六等青年打游戏，穷游，看美剧。
90. What do young people rely on to get by? First-class youths rely on their family background, second-class youths rely on connections, third-class youths rely on talent, fourth-class youths rely on hard work, fifth-class youths indulge in arts, sixth-class youths play games, travel on a shoestring budget, and watch American TV series.

91.世界上有两种东西会趴玻璃，一个是壁虎，另一个是班主任。
91. There are two things in the world that crawl on glass: one is a gecko, and the other is a head teacher.

92.你讨厌我关我屁事啊，说得好像你喜欢我就能升华我的人生似的。
92. It doesn’t matter to me if you hate me, as if your liking me could sublimate my life.

93.“死猪”这样骂猪是不对的，猪会生气的。
93. It’s wrong to call a pig “dead pig,” as pigs can get angry.

94.帅也是一种罪  如果帅也是一种罪，那我已罪无可赦；如果酷也是一种错，那我已一错再错；如果聪明也要受罚，那我岂不要受千刀万剐？
94. Being handsome is also a crime. If being handsome is a crime, then I am beyond redemption; if being cool is a mistake, then I have made too many mistakes; if being smart is a punishment, then I should be sliced into a thousand pieces.

95.拿菜刀砍电线，一路火花帶闪电。
95. Hacking a power cable with a kitchen knife creates sparks and lightning.

96.你泼给我的冷水，我定会烧开了给你泼回去，不信等着瞧。
96. I will definitely boil the cold water you splashed on me and splash it back on you. Just wait and see.

97.在电梯里放了一个闷屁，我喊了声“什么东西糊了”，于是一电梯的人把我的屁吸干净了。
97. I let out a silent fart in the elevator, and then shouted, “What’s burning?” As a result, everyone in the elevator inhaled my fart.

98.只要功夫深，拉屎也认真。
98. As long as you work hard, even defecating becomes serious.

99.我们走得太快，灵魂都跟不上了……
99. We are moving too fast, our souls can’t keep up…

100.一个小女孩打电话到电台想给妈妈点首歌，主持人：为什么要给妈妈点歌？小女孩：妈妈每天上班都很辛苦，到周末还不能好好休息，要找各种作业给我。还要带我去各种家教。主持人很感动说她很懂事，是妈妈的好孩子，于是就问要点什么歌呢？小女孩：“女人何苦为难女人。”
100. A little girl called the radio station to dedicate a song to her mom. The host asked, “Why do you want to dedicate a song to your mom?” The girl replied, “Mom works very hard every day, and she can’t even rest well on weekends. She has to look for various homework assignments for me and take me to different tutoring classes.” The host was touched and said she was a sensible child and a good daughter to her mom, then asked what song she wanted to dedicate. The girl said, “Women, Why Do You Make Things Difficult for Each Other?”

1.洗澡靠毅力，洗衣靠耐力，起床靠爆发力。
1. Taking a shower requires willpower, doing laundry requires stamina, and getting up requires explosive strength.

2.哥们最大的愿望是：美女不穿衣裳！
2. My buddy’s biggest wish is: beautiful women without clothes!

3.哲学家不是法定…
3. Philosophers are not legally…

4.年轻的时候，我们常常冲着镜子做鬼脸；年老的时候，和镜子算是扯平了。
4. When we were young, we often made faces at the mirror; when we grow old, we’re even with the mirror.

5.你有牡丹一样富贵的外表，梅花一样坚韧的品质，荷花一样纯洁的心灵，桃花一样甜美的笑容，葵花一样飒爽的风姿，我左看右看，你活脱脱就一个花痴嘛！其实，说实话，你要是鲜花，以后牛都不敢拉粪了！
5. You have the luxurious appearance of a peony, the resilient character of a plum blossom, the pure heart of a lotus, the sweet smile of a peach blossom, and the spirited posture of a sunflower. I look left and right, and you’re a complete flower fanatic! Honestly, if you were a flower, cows would be afraid to poop!

6.小时候喜欢把水倒在瓶盖子里喝，感觉像古代人喝酒一样。
6. When I was a child, I liked to pour water into a bottle cap and drink it, feeling like ancient people drinking alcohol.

7.把俩条虫子做实验。威士忌里的那条死了，证明喝威士忌肚子里不长虫子。
7. I conducted an experiment with two worms. The one in whiskey died, proving that drinking whiskey doesn’t cause worms in the stomach.

8.买完菜被叫住“姑娘，还没给钱呢”，付完钱又被叫住“姑娘，还没找钱呢”，找完钱再被叫住“姑娘，菜没拿”。
8. After buying groceries, I was stopped and told, “Miss, you haven’t paid yet.” After paying, I was stopped again, “Miss, you haven’t gotten your change yet.” After getting my change, I was stopped once more, “Miss, you didn’t take your groceries.”

9.我不是随便的人，我随便起来不是人。
9. I’m not a casual person; when I’m casual, I’m not human.

10.有这样一个人，你给他短信，他会马上回你。无论白天还是深夜。有这样一个人，你问他，他会听你说，你不想理他了，他也不会再发短信烦你。他，是。
10. There’s such a person who will reply to your text messages immediately, no matter the time of day. If you don’t want to talk to him, he won’t bother you with messages. He is…

11.我的一个朋友拔了根ym，然后跟他们班的一个女生打赌能不能把这根头发弄直，那女生居然把ym放进嘴里一舔，然后用手一抹，直了！
11. One of my friends pulled out a ym (pubic hair) and made a bet with a girl in his class to see if he could straighten it. The girl actually licked the ym, then wiped it with her hand, and it was straight!

12.痛苦的秘密在于，有闲功夫为自己是否幸福而烦恼。
12. The secret to suffering is having spare time to worry about whether you’re happy or not.

13.我说：我怎么感谢你好呢？我娶你吧！你说：我怎么可以恩将仇报呢？
13. I said: How can I thank you? Let me marry you! You replied: How can I repay a favor with enmity?

14.对不起，小姐，请把你的胸部从我手上移开好吗？
14. Excuse me, miss, could you please move your chest from my hand?

15.不要为旧的悲伤，浪费新的眼泪！
15. Don’t waste new tears for old sorrows!

16.坐公交车的时候，看到一美女提着大包小包上来了，没多余的手抓扶手这样很危险，于是我果断的起来给美女让座，美女欣然接受，没想到美女和我同一站下车，下车的时候美女对我说：能不能和我一起帮我把东西提回家？我毫不犹豫的答应了。我想说好人是有好报的！
16. On the bus, I saw a beautiful woman carrying many bags and not holding onto anything for safety. So, I promptly offered my seat to her. She happily accepted. When we got off at the same stop, she asked if I could help her carry the bags home. I agreed without hesitation. I want to say that good people are rewarded!

17.清明节那天，偶在路上捡到一厚厚的钱包。大喜，打开一看，竟全是纸钱！仰天道：“人生哪寻这等好运气！”于是紧握钱包撞死在路边！
17. On Qingming Festival, I found a thick wallet on the road. Delighted, I opened it only to find paper money inside! I looked up to the sky and said, “Where can I find such good luck in life?” Then I clutched the wallet and died by the roadside!

18.做到“三思而后行”  能做到“三思而后行”的人不是因为他又聪明又理智，而是他怕轻而易举的被别人骂他妈和他大爷。
18. To achieve “think thrice before you act” – people who can “think thrice before they act” are not necessarily smart and rational; they’re just afraid of being easily scolded by others for their mother and grandfather.

19.没有钱，没有权，再不对你好点，你能跟我？
19. No money, no power, if I don’t treat you well, would you still be with me?

20.我在学校的生活仅仅能做的三件事。 .看学霸秀成绩 .看情侣秀恩爱 .看土豪炫富。
20. The only three things I can do in school are: watch the top students show off their grades, watch couples show their love, and watch the wealthy show off their wealth.

21.爱的反义词不是不爱而是曾经爱过。
21. The antonym of love is not “not loving,” but “once loved.”

22.我掐指一算，发现你命里缺我！
22. With a quick calculation, I find that you are missing me in your life!

23.外出行街这些这么剧烈的运动不适合我，老衲的大愿是星期天能够在电脑前坐禅竞技。
23. Going out for a walk is too intense for me; my ultimate wish is to meditate in front of the computer on Sundays.

24.世界那么大能认识你，我觉得好不幸。
24. It’s unfortunate to meet someone like you in such a big world.

25.钱输光了，家具也输光了，衣服也输光了，我现在出门像一个阿拉伯人。
25. I’ve lost all my money, furniture, and clothes. Now I go out looking like an Arab.

26.令人不能自拔的，除了牙齿还有爱情。
26. Besides teeth, love is also something that’s hard to escape from.

27.最近很多人跳楼，大家小心别被砸到了。
27. Recently, many people have been jumping off buildings. Be careful not to get hit.

28.我是穷人，请勿盗墓！
28. I am poor, so please do not rob my grave!

29.告别手淫，寻找爱情。锻炼JJ，天天享受。
29. Say goodbye to masturbation and seek love. Exercise your penis and enjoy every day.

30.抽，是一种生活艺术；找抽，是一种生活态度。
30. Smoking is an art of life; asking for a beating is an attitude of life.

31.上天在赐于我门青春的同时，也赐予了我们青春痘！
31. While God gave us youth, He also gave us acne.

32.肯定不是人  万事不求人，肯定不是人。
32. If you don’t need help from others in everything, you must not be human.

33.爱你的同时，是我挑战飞蛾扑火的开始。
33. Loving you marks the beginning of my challenge to fly into the flames like a moth.

34.能不能给我一双能够窥探人心的眼睛，好让我不再承受背叛的滋味。
34. Can I have a pair of eyes that can see into people’s hearts, so I no longer have to endure the taste of betrayal?

35.西游记告诉我们：凡是有后台的妖怪都被接走了，凡是没后台的都被一棒子打死了。
35. Journey to the West tells us: monsters with connections were taken away, while those without were killed with a single blow.

36.在我的祖国，连老外也把我看作老外。
36. Even foreigners in my country consider me a foreigner.

37.初中学校门口两个人吵起来了，一个人身材魁梧，一个身材瘦小。那个小的指着大的大骂，大的说：“别指我！”小的说：“我指你咋的？”就在围观的人群都以为要打起来的时候，那个大的说：“我也指你,我也指你”
37. Two people started arguing at the entrance of a junior high school. One was tall and strong, the other short and thin. The smaller one pointed at the bigger one and cursed. The bigger one said, “Don’t point at me!” The smaller one replied, “So what if I point at you?” Just when the onlookers thought a fight was about to break out, the bigger one said, “I’ll point at you too, I’ll point at you too.”

38.我不会眼睁睁地看着你往火坑里跳，我会闭上眼睛的。
38. I won’t watch you jump into the fire; I’ll close my eyes.

39.结婚当天，他带着兄弟们去接亲，却被新娘关在门外，非要他唱首表达诚意的歌才给开门。一向腼腆的他有些不知所措，这时一路沉默的伴郎突然站出来给他解围，上前一边敲门一边唱：你有本事抢男人，你有本事开门啊，别躲里边不出声，我知道你在家。
39. On the wedding day, he took his friends to pick up the bride, but she locked him outside the door, demanding he sing a song to show his sincerity. The shy groom was at a loss, when the silent best man suddenly stepped forward and sang while knocking on the door: “If you have the guts to steal a man, you have the guts to open the door. Don’t hide inside and be quiet, I know you’re home.”

40.上帝看见你口渴，创造了水；上帝看见你饿，创造了米；上帝看见你没有可爱的朋友，创造了我；然而他也看见这世界上没有白痴，顺便也创造你。
40. God saw you were thirsty and created water; He saw you were hungry and created rice; He saw you didn’t have a lovely friend and created me; but He also saw there were no idiots in the world, so He created you as well.

41.唾沫是用来数钞票的，而不是用来讲道理的玩感情？我会让你哭的很有节奏。
41. Spit is for counting money, not for reasoning. Play with emotions? I’ll make you cry in rhythm.

42.本人，男，米，开朗，随和，可先尝试性交往，QQ：×××××，静候您的佳音！
42. I am a male, cheerful, easygoing, and open to trying a casual relationship. QQ: ×××××, waiting for your good news!

43.运动会最悲哀的两件事：屋漏偏逢连夜雨，决赛偏逢大姨妈。
43. The two most sorrowful things about sports events: a leaking roof during a rainy night, and a final match coinciding with a woman’s period.

44.女人就像书架上的书，虽然你买了她，但在你买之前她多多少少被几个男人翻过…
44. Women are like books on a bookshelf; although you bought her, she has been flipped through by a few men before you.

45.人傻不能复生  孩子，人傻不能复生。
45. Foolishness cannot be revived, child. Foolishness cannot be revived.

46.巴黎圣母院少个敲钟的，就你了。
46. The Notre Dame Cathedral is missing a bell ringer, and it’s you.

47.中国人谁跑的最快？是曹操（非刘翔）。因为说曹操曹操到。
47. Who runs the fastest in China? It’s Cao Cao (not Liu Xiang). Because when you mention Cao Cao, he arrives.

48.我怕一出去就会被传染  外面的世界太多细菌，我怕一出去就会被传染。
48. I’m afraid I’ll get infected as soon as I go out; there are too many germs in the outside world.

49.连广告也信，读书读傻了吧！
49. Believing in advertisements too? You must have read too many books!

50.吃自助最高境界：扶墙进，扶墙出。
50. The highest level of eating at a buffet: enter leaning on a wall, leave leaning on a wall.

51.一家养女百家求，一马不行百家忧。
51. One family raises a girl, and a hundred families seek her; one horse fails, and a hundred families worry.

52.高中时每人发个胸牌。一次来检查前，班主任跑到教室大声喊，大家快把胸罩戴起来，来检查的啦…全场鸦雀无声…
52. In high school, each person was given a badge. Once, before an inspection, the class teacher ran to the classroom and shouted loudly, “Everyone, put on your bras! The inspectors are coming…” The room fell silent.

53.剪了个发型，换了个心情；谈了个闲情，付出了的真心，却得不到爱情，为了不再影响心情，我已不再自作多情。
53. I got a new haircut and changed my mood; had a casual relationship and gave my true heart, but didn’t receive love. To no longer affect my mood, I will no longer be self-infatuated.

54.又帅又有车的，那是象棋；有钱又有房的，那是银行；有责任心又有正义感的，那是奥特曼；又帅又有车有钱又有房有责任心又有正义感的是在银行里面下象棋的奥特曼。
54. A handsome man with a car is in chess; a wealthy man with a house is in a bank; a responsible and just man is Ultraman; a handsome, wealthy, responsible, and just man is Ultraman playing chess in a bank.

55.俗话说：心静自然凉。于是乎，我躺在床上装死。
55. As the saying goes: when the heart is calm, the air is cool. So, I lie in bed pretending to be dead.

56.你长的好象车祸现场。
56. You look like a car accident scene.

57.刷牙三部曲：挤牙膏—倒杯水—认真刷牙—漱口—咽下去—味道好极了。
57. The three steps of brushing teeth: squeeze toothpaste - pour a glass of water - brush teeth carefully - rinse - swallow - the taste is great.

58.这年头，老婆像小灵通经济实惠但限本地使用，二奶像中国电信安全固定但带不出门，小蜜像中国移动使用方便但话费太贵。情人像中国联通优雅新潮但常不在服务区！
58. Nowadays, a wife is like a local economical and practical small communication device, a mistress is like China Telecom, safe and stable but not portable, a sweetheart is like China Mobile, convenient to use but too expensive. A lover is like China Unicom, elegant and trendy but often out of service!

59.如果这都不算爱，那我宁愿卖白菜。
59. If this is not considered love, I’d rather sell cabbage.

60.同学帮我补习了三个月，终于，他的成绩也降下来了。
60. A classmate helped me with tutoring for three months, and finally, his grades dropped too.

61.我的未来不是梦，我的未来是做噩梦。
61. My future is not a dream, my future is a nightmare.

62.你无耻的样子，颇有我年少时候的神韵。
62. Your shameless demeanor is quite reminiscent of my youthful charm.

63.领导重视你的时候就是领导利用你的时候！但我却那么渴望被领导利用！
63. When a leader values you, it’s when they’re using you! But I’m so eager to be used by a leader!

64.穿他人的鞋走他人的路，让他人既找不到鞋又找不到路。
64. Wear other people’s shoes and walk their path, so they can’t find their shoes or their way.

65.我要努力攒钱，争取买一个自动取款机！
65. I must work hard to save money and strive to buy an ATM machine!

66.以后老外考中文就让他们考四六级，文言文太简单，用毛笔答题，这是便宜他们，要惹急了哥，一人一把刻刀，一个龟壳，刻甲骨文。论文题目就叫论八股文，听力全用龚丽娜的歌，《忐忑》只听一遍，还告诉他这是中国人说话最正常的语速！阅读理解就用周易，口试要求唱昆曲，实验就考包饺子，切面条……。
66. In the future, when foreigners take Chinese exams, let them take the CET-4 and CET-6. Classical Chinese is too simple; they should use a brush pen to answer questions in oracle bone script. The thesis topic should be “On the Eight-Part Essay,” with the listening section being Gong Linna’s songs, and “Tongue-tied” only played once, telling them this is the most normal speaking speed for Chinese people! The reading comprehension should be based on the I Ching, the speaking section should involve singing Kunqu opera, and the experiment should test making dumplings and cutting noodles…

67.管不住的是儿子，看不住的是女儿。
67. Sons can’t be controlled, and daughters can’t be watched.

68.有情人终成房奴  有情人终成房奴，有房人终成眷属。
68. Lovers eventually become mortgage slaves; those with houses eventually become spouses.

69.如果将世界看做是一场升级打怪的游戏，那么世界是不是变得奇妙起来？像每天上班打工就是为了增加经验值，吃饭休息就是为了满血复活，与家人朋友玩耍就是积累小伙伴帮助自己增值，升职加薪就是获得等级称号，走向自己的人生巅峰就是打赢了大boss了。看吧，世界不就变得有趣起来了，呵呵！
69. If we see the world as a game of leveling up and fighting monsters, doesn’t it become more wonderful? Going to work every day is to gain experience points, eating and resting is to revive health, playing with family and friends is to accumulate little friends who help us increase our value, promotions and raises are obtaining level titles, and reaching the peak of our lives is defeating the big boss. Look, the world has become more interesting, huh!

70.不在沉默中死亡，就在沉默…
70. Either die in silence or…

71.泡妞就像钓鱼  泡妞就像钓鱼，要全面撒网，重点培养。
71. Flirting is like fishing; one must cast a wide net and focus on developing key relationships.

72.朋友是个妻管严，不知怎么老婆惹了他，他爆怒：“再惹我，形同此纸。”然后把手里的纸撕碎了。老婆二话不说，一巴掌拍到他身上：“我就惹你了，看你怎么着我吧？”说着，双手叉腰，怒目而视。谁知朋友憋了半天，来了句：“你，你这不算惹我。”
72. A friend is a henpecked husband. He got angry with his wife and shouted, “If you annoy me again, this paper will be your fate.” Then he tore the paper in his hand. His wife slapped him without hesitation, saying, “I annoyed you, so what are you going to do about it?” She stood with her hands on her hips, staring angrily. After a long pause, the friend finally said, “You, you don’t count as annoying me.”

73.始终没有沦为一个优秀的大学生，靠的就是坚强的品质！
73. I’ve never become an excellent college student, thanks to my strong character!

74.女人因为愚蠢而善良，男人因为善良而愚蠢。
74. Women are kind because they are foolish; men are foolish because they are kind.

75.士为知己者装死，女为悦己者整容。
75. A man would die for a confidante, while a woman would have plastic surgery for her admirer.

76.带我长发飘飘，少年，你拿去上吊可好。
76. With my long hair flowing, young man, would you use it to hang yourself?

77.两只老虎，两只老虎，谈恋爱，谈恋爱，两只都是公的，两只都是公的，真变态，真变态。
77. Two tigers, two tigers, in love, in love. Both are male, both are male. So perverted, so perverted.

78.肚子大不可怕，可怕的是大而无料。
78. A big belly is not terrible; what’s terrible is that it’s big and empty.

79.奥特蛋，奥特曼的蛋，公主蛋，公主的蛋，天使蛋，天使的蛋，哈哈~看懂哒，露个爪..
79. Ultraman’s egg, princess’s egg, angel’s egg. Haha~ If you understand, show yourself…

80.水至清则无鱼，人至贱则无敌。
80. Water too clear has no fish; people too shameless are invincible.

81.男生一直追女生，女生不耐烦了：就算世上只剩你一个男人，我也不会看上你男生：要是世上只有我一个男人，你以为我还会看上你吗？
81. A guy keeps chasing a girl, and she gets annoyed: “Even if you’re the last man on earth, I still wouldn’t be interested in you.” The guy replies, “If I were the last man on earth, do you think I’d still be interested in you?”

82.谁是谁的老公, 都是他妈的临时工。
82. Who is whose husband? They are all temporary workers for their mothers.

83.不要跟哥浪，其实哥也很开放；不用跟哥比，哥知道你玩儿不起；不要跟哥牛，哥会扔砖头；不要跟哥闹，哥平时很低调。
83. Don’t flirt with me, I’m actually very open-minded; don’t compare yourself with me, I know you can’t afford it; don’t show off in front of me, I’m very low-key; don’t make a fuss with me, I’m usually very low-key.

84.我的领带又找不到了，是不是你昨天又没有找到抹布？
84. I can’t find my tie again; did you not find a rag yesterday either?

85.年轻不胡作非为，到老了拿什么话说当年。
85. If you don’t act recklessly when you’re young, what will you talk about in your old age?

86.自从得了神经病，整个人都精神多了。
86. Ever since I got mental illness, I’ve become much more energetic.

87.当我没钱吃饭时你把钱藏起来陪着我饿说明我们俩是朋友。
87. When I had no money for food, you hid the money and starved with me, which shows that we are friends.

88.今天四级听力听得最清楚的一句：现在请监考老师把磁带拿出来翻到B面继续听。
88. The clearest sentence I heard in today’s CET-4 listening test: Now, please ask the proctor to take out the tape and turn it to side B to continue listening.

89.学校规定老师上课不许接电话，一天，我们上物理课，老师电话响了。老师纠结地看了半天，问我们：“领导电话，接不？”我们回答：“必须接！”然后老师出去大喊一句：“老婆干啥啊？我上课呢！”
89. The school rules say that teachers are not allowed to answer phone calls during class. One day, during our physics class, the teacher’s phone rang. The teacher looked at it for a while and asked us, “Should I answer it? It’s a call from the leader.” We replied, “You must answer it!” Then the teacher went out and shouted, “What are you doing, wife? I’m teaching a class!”

90.男人长的帅有个屁用呀？到银行能用脸刷卡吗？
90. What’s the use of a man being handsome? Can he use his face to swipe a card at the bank?

91.平时骂你就算了，非要等我打你，才知道我文武双全。
91. It’s fine if you insult me, but you have to wait for me to hit you to know that I’m both literary and martial.

92.越来越多的年轻人开始纹身了，想想四五十年后的夏天吧，有纹身的老头儿老太太……
92. More and more young people are getting tattoos these days. Just think about the summer in 40 or 50 years, with tattooed old men and women…

93.饭局的三大悲剧：想请的人没来，来的人都和你无关，结账的时候只剩下你一个清醒的。
93. The three tragedies of a dinner party: the person you want to invite doesn’t come, the people who come have nothing to do with you, and when it’s time to pay, you’re the only one sober.

94.“男女之间会有纯友谊吗？”“有，越丑越纯。”
94. “Can there be pure friendship between men and women?” “Yes, the uglier they are, the purer the friendship is.”

95.你何止是见钱眼开啊，你见钱菊花儿都开了，不能叫开，那简直就是怒放。
95. You’re not just money-hungry; when you see money, even your buttocks bloom. It’s not just blooming, it’s actually in full bloom.

96.没结婚之前，老婆做什么都很淑女。上个车都很委婉。结婚后摩托车都飙到。我在后面坐着头发都立起来了，她还会散打瑜伽跆拳道。女人都是骗子，骗子。
96. Before marriage, my wife acted very ladylike in everything she did. Even getting into a car was gentle. After marriage, she races motorcycles. I sit behind her with my hair standing on end, and she can still practice taekwondo and yoga. Women are all liars, liars.

97.在那左腿的右边右腿的左边有一片黑森林！对柏芝的了解，我终于达到霆锋的程度了！
97. On the right side of my left leg and the left side of my right leg, there is a black forest! I have finally reached the level of Tingfeng in my understanding of Cecilia!

98.不求出题全会，但求蒙题全对！！！
98. I don’t expect to know all the answers, but I hope to guess them all correctly!

99.有个女的问一个男的，“我好看吗？”男的说：你现在就像蒙娜丽莎的妹妹。女的说：是吗，她妹妹是谁啊？ 男的说：珍塔玛莎。
99. A woman asked a man, “Do I look good?” The man said: You look like the sister of the Mona Lisa now. The woman asked: Really? Who is her sister? The man said: Zhen Tama Sha.

100.我宁愿你抱着别的女人想我，也不愿你抱着我想别的女人。
100. I’d rather you hold another woman and think of me than hold me and think of another woman.

1.别以为女孩靠漂亮就可以让我动心，至少她还要够愚蠢！
1. Don’t think that a girl’s beauty can move my heart; at least she also has to be stupid enough!

2.屌丝终有逆袭日，木耳再无回粉时。
2. The loser will have a day of comeback, but the fungus will never return to powder.

3.鹅鹅鹅，曲项用刀割，拔毛加瓢水，点火盖上锅！
3. Goose, goose, goose, with a curved neck and a knife to cut, pluck feathers and add ladle of water, light the fire and cover the pot!

4.钱乃一味良药，有明目张胆之功效。
4. Money is a good medicine that has the effect of emboldening one’s courage.

5.中国写诗最好的人在精神病院里。
5. The best poet in China is in a mental hospital.

6.生活就像超级女声，撑到最后的都是纯爷们。
6. Life is like Super Girl, and those who last until the end are all real men.

7.想当年姐最瘦的时候才五斤半！
7. Back in the day, I weighed only five and a half pounds when I was the thinnest!

8.男胖女瘦的原因：男人每晚有两袋鲜奶一个燕窝两个鲍鱼片；而女人每晚只有一根火腿肠，和两个鹌鹑蛋。
8. The reason why men are fat and women are thin: Men have two bags of fresh milk, a bird’s nest, and two abalone slices every night; while women only have a ham sausage and two quail eggs.

9.我这人不懂音乐，所以时而不靠谱，时而不着调。
9. I don’t understand music, so sometimes I’m unreliable, and sometimes I’m out of tune.

10.你有什么不开心的事？说出来让大家开心一下。
10. What’s the matter? Tell us and make everyone happy.

11.A：我咒你老婆不是处女！B：我咒你老婆永远是处女。
11. A: I curse that your wife is not a virgin! B: I curse that your wife will always be a virgin.

12.我和女友分居了，其实我们的性生活还是蛮和谐的——我性无能，她性冷淡…
12. My girlfriend and I have separated, but our sex life was quite harmonious - I’m impotent, and she’s frigid…

13.我喝酒是想把痛苦溺死，但这该死的痛苦却学会了游泳。
13. I drink to drown my sorrows, but the damned sorrows have learned how to swim.

14.完了，你也不理我了，我成狗不理了！
14. I’m done for, you don’t care about me anymore, I’ve become a dog that no one wants to look at!

15.偷吃不是我的错，是我嘴巴的寂寞。
15. It’s not my fault for sneaking a bite; it’s the loneliness of my mouth.

16.我想我是太久没吃鸡肉了，不然为什么昨天看见鸡毛掸子，居然有点激动？
16. I guess it’s been too long since I last ate chicken. Otherwise, why was I excited when I saw a feather duster yesterday?

17.禁欲中，勿扰！否则，我就破戒。
17. Abstaining from lust, do not disturb! Otherwise, I’ll break my vow.

18.不是除了你，我就没人要了。只是除了你，我谁都不想要！
18. It’s not that I’m unwanted except by you. It’s just that I don’t want anyone except you!

19.走自己的路，让别人打车去吧。
19. Walk your own path and let others take a taxi.

20.如果有一双眼睛陪我一同哭泣，就值得我为生命受苦。
20. If there is a pair of eyes to cry with me, it’s worth suffering for life.

21.围棋大家都熟悉，马走田，象走日，来走，军长，哎哎，和了。
21. We are all familiar with Go, the knight moves in an L-shape, the bishop moves diagonally, come on, commander, oh oh, it’s a draw.

22.这个世界没有上帝。人类一思考，上帝就发笑。思考多了，上帝就笑死了。
22. There is no God in this world. When humans think, God laughs. The more they think, the more God laughs to death.

23.一个成功的男人就是赚的钱比太太花的多；一个成功的女人就是找到这样的男人。
23. A successful man is one who earns more money than his wife spends; a successful woman is one who finds such a man.

24.每个宿舍都有一个磨牙的，一个说梦话的，一个打呼噜的，一个睡很晚纵观全场的。
24. Every dormitory has a teeth grinder, a talker in dreams, a snorer, and a night owl who watches the whole scene.

25.像我们这种没钱又不美的姑娘也只能善良了。
25. Girls like us, with no money and no beauty, can only be kind.

26.拉尿是我日常生活中唯一的乐子，你不会再问我为什么酗上了啤酒吧？
26. Urinating is the only pleasure in my daily life; you won’t ask me why I’m addicted to beer, will you?

27.总有人在我面前说：先生存，再生活。可是我发现，当你忙完生存后，生活已经荡然无存。
27. People always say to me: “Survive first, then live.” But I find that when you’re done surviving, life is gone.

28.自己选择°仰视别人，就休怪他人°俯视着看你。
28. If you choose to look up to others, don’t blame them for looking down on you.

29.精囊不空，誓不做鬼！
29. As long as my scrotum is not empty, I swear not to be a ghost!

30.我不会讲话，一见人多就结结巴巴，像羊拉屎一样，不合你的味道请多多包涵。
30. I can’t speak well; when I see a crowd, I stammer like a sheep defecating. If it doesn’t suit your taste, please forgive me.

31.请答应我下辈子不要改名字，这样我容易找到你。
31. Please promise me not to change your name in the next life, so it will be easier for me to find you.

32.穿别人的鞋，走自己的路，让他们找去吧。
32. Wear other people’s shoes and walk your own path; let them search for you.

33.清清爽爽的印象  很高兴没有跟你纠缠不清，至少落个清清爽爽的印象。
33. A refreshing impression – I’m glad I didn’t get entangled with you, at least leaving a refreshing impression.

34.看着我的眼睛，除了眼屎，你还会看到坚毅和真诚。
34. Look into my eyes, and besides eye屎, you will see determination and sincerity.

35.不要在一棵树上吊死，在几棵树上多试试死几次……——死就死得彻底！
35. Don’t hang yourself on one tree; try hanging on several trees and die a few more times… – die thoroughly!

36.每次做作业的时候，一碰到手机，就像是吃了炫迈口香糖，根本停不下来。
36. Every time I do homework, when I touch my phone, it’s like eating Xylichew gum; I just can’t stop.

37.作业，你又滚回来了，你可以在滚一次么，离我远远的。
37. Homework, you’ve rolled back; can you roll again, far away from me?

38.打破老婆终身制，实行小姨股份制。引入小姐竞争制，推广情人合同制。
38. Abolish the lifelong system for wives, implement a sister-in-law shareholding system. Introduce a competition system for mistresses, and promote a lover contract system.

39.早知道他不是好东西，就是忘了说了。
39. I knew he was no good, but I forgot to say it.

40.不要以为头上顶坨屎，自己就是金刚葫芦娃。
40. Don’t think that just because you have a turd on your head, you’re the mighty warrior娃.

41.妹特思棒威——不走寻常路！
41. My special thought is awesome – take the road less traveled!

42.见到我之后你就会发现，原来帅也可以这么具体啊！
42. After meeting me, you will find that handsome can be so specific!

43.都说历史是小姑娘的辫子，偶轻度笑了，历史有那么好看吗？准确的说法应该是： 历史是男人的胡子，时间一变幻，黑滴就成了白滴。
43. They say history is like a little girl’s braids, and I can’t help but smile. Is history really that fascinating? The accurate statement should be: History is like a man’s beard, and as time changes, the black turns into white.

44.你给我滚，马不停蹄的滚……
44. Get out of here and keep rolling…

45.将每个女生后面的男生数减少到名！
45. Reduce the number of boys behind each girl to zero!

46.我床上的不知道是谁媳妇，我媳妇不知道在谁的床上！
46. I don’t know whose wife is in my bed, and I don’t know whose bed my wife is in!

47.永远有多远？你小子就给我滚多远！
47. How far is forever? Just get out of here that far, you little brat!

48.有些烦恼是我们凭空虚构的，而我们却把它当成真实去承受。
48. Some troubles are fabricated by ourselves, yet we bear them as if they were real.

49.我的梦想：有事秘书干，没事干秘书。现实却是：有事秘书干不了，没事不能干秘书。
49. My dream: When there’s work, the secretary does it; when there’s no work, I do the secretary. The reality, however, is: When there’s work, the secretary can’t do it; when there’s no work, I can’t do the secretary.

50.当年我背井离乡，此后，乡里的人再没能喝上一口井水。
50. When I left my hometown, the people there never got to drink from the well again.

51.没有女人的日子里，我以调戏男人为乐。
51. Without women in my life, I take pleasure in teasing men.

52.美人对眼睛来说是天堂，对腰包来说是地狱！
52. A beautiful woman is a paradise for the eyes but a hell for the wallet!

53.租一样的女友  真是不怕神一样的对手，就怕租一样的女友！
53. Renting the same girlfriend – it’s not about fearing a god-like opponent, but rather fearing a rented girlfriend like yours!

54.吃火锅自助，朋友贪多，吃完后，还剩大量烫菜，老板指着招牌：锅底剩克，加收元。朋友笑了笑，叫来一流浪汉：吃完给你块！
54. Eating at a hotpot buffet, my friend took too much, and after finishing, there was still a lot of leftover ingredients. The boss pointed at the sign: “If there are leftovers in the pot, an additional fee of X yuan will be charged.” My friend smiled and called a homeless man over: “Finish it, and I’ll give you a dollar!”

55.如果猪都会飞了，谁还买飞机?骑着猪上天不就行了。
55. If pigs could fly, who would buy airplanes? Just ride a pig to the sky.

56.公交车上我频频看你，你频频看我，我对你一见钟情，而你却紧紧捂着钱包。
56. On the bus, I kept looking at you, and you kept looking at me. I fell in love with you at first sight, but you tightly held onto your wallet.

57.今天心情不好，我只有四句话想说，包括这句和前面的两句，我的话说完了。
57. Today, I’m in a bad mood. I have only four sentences to say, including this one and the two before it. That’s all I have to say.

58.等你以后结婚了，结婚对象不是我，我就搬到你家隔壁住，做一个安静的老王。
58. When you get married in the future, if it’s not to me, I’ll move next door to your house and be a quiet Old Wang.

59.帮领导做件好事，不如和领导一起做件坏事。
59. Doing a good deed for the leader is not as good as doing a bad deed together with the leader.

60.如果你什么时候学会了真诚，我想，你身边的人不再会在你转身后发生呕吐。请不要用你拙劣的演技来侮辱我的智商！毕竟这也不是一个人贱人爱的社会，你还是收敛一点的好。
60. If you ever learn to be sincere, I think the people around you won’t vomit after you turn away. Please don’t insult my intelligence with your poor acting skills! After all, this is not a society that loves despicable people; it’s better for you to restrain yourself.

61.天使之所以会飞，是因为她们把自己看得很轻。
61. Angels can fly because they see themselves as light as a feather.

62.旋转木马是这世上最残酷的游戏，彼此追逐，却永远隔着可悲的距离。
62. The carousel is the cruelest game in the world, where we chase each other but are always separated by a可悲 distance.

63.人大终于排在清华北大前面了——卖票大妈卖力地喊：“魏公村人大黄庄北大清华啦——抓紧时间上车喽！”
63. Finally, Renmin University ranks higher than Tsinghua and Peking University. The ticket seller shouts loudly: “Wei Gong Village Renmin University, Huangzhuang, Peking University, and Tsinghua! Hurry up and get on the bus!”

64.走投无路还走什么走，直接坐车啊。
64. If you’re out of options, why bother walking? Just take a car instead.

65.看小说看到半夜，外头打起了雷，饶是我这样没心没肺的，也忍不住吓了一跳。艾玛，这雨真特么大！
65. I was reading a novel until midnight when thunder started outside. Even someone heartless like me couldn’t help but be startled. Oh my, this rain is really something!

66.昨天接儿子放学回家的时候儿子就从教室里飞奔出来。今天怎么这么快？儿子气喘吁吁地说：别问了，赶快走！一脸茫然，又问：你这么慌张干什么，出什么事了？儿子一边拉着往外走，一边小声地说：没有，快走吧。今天老师忘留作业了，等他想起来就晚了。
66. Yesterday, when I picked up my son from school, he ran out of the classroom. Why was he so fast today? My son gasped for breath and said: “Don’t ask, just hurry up and leave!” Confused, I asked: “Why are you in such a panic? What happened?” My son pulled me out while whispering: “Nothing, let’s just go. The teacher forgot to assign homework today, and it’ll be too late when he remembers.”

67.有没有听过撞菜的，今天有一二货同事跟我带了一样的菜，青椒肉丝，蚂蚁上树，他热饭的时候被我看到了，本着娱乐精神，我把手按到他的饭盒上，喊了声复制，再把手放到自己饭盒上喊了声粘贴，接着打开饭盒吃饭，二货同事从我吃饭就开始缠着我，要学习这个技能，都一个小时了，谁来救救我？
67. Have you ever heard of “colliding dishes”? Today, a colleague brought the same dishes as me: green pepper pork, and ant-on-a-tree. When he was reheating his food, I saw it and, in the spirit of fun, I pressed my hand on his lunchbox and shouted “copy,” then put my hand on my lunchbox and shouted “paste.” I opened my lunchbox and started eating. The colleague has been pestering me for an hour, wanting to learn this skill. Can anyone save me?

68.“知道为什么我们拥抱的时候能够强烈感受到彼此的心跳吗？”“是因为我们爱的深，心相连？”“不，是因为你平胸。”
68. “Do you know why we can strongly feel each other’s heartbeats when we hug?” “Is it because our love is deep and our hearts are connected?” “No, it’s because you have a flat chest.”

69.我左青龙，右白虎，肩膀纹个米老鼠。
69. I have a green dragon on my left, a white tiger on my right, and a Mickey Mouse on my shoulder.

70.深深地伤害了最爱我的那个人，那一刻，我听到他心碎的声音，直到转身离去，我才发现，原来那声心碎，其实，也是我自己的……
70. I deeply hurt the person who loved me the most. At that moment, I heard the sound of his heart breaking. It wasn’t until I turned away that I realized the heartbreak was actually my own too…

71.刚开始不给的是女人，后来急着要的还是女人！
71. At first, it was women who didn’t give in, but later, it was still women who were eager for it!

72.控制不住嘴巴的人就别闹腾着减肥，这不是纯恶心人吗？活该，死胖子！活该你这种人就只能对着那些XS的美衣流泪，夏天要到了；你那象腿就别自讨没趣地穿裙子了；你就不怕有人在背后悄悄惊叹你的勇气么；我比你瘦，比你努力，你活该这么丑！
72. If you can’t control your mouth, don’t bother trying to lose weight. Isn’t that just disgusting? You deserve it, fat ass! You deserve to cry in front of those XS-sized beautiful clothes as summer approaches. Don’t bother wearing skirts with your thick legs; aren’t you afraid someone will secretly marvel at your courage behind your back? I’m thinner than you and work harder than you; you deserve to be so ugly!

73.你的小孩现在是吃人奶还是你的奶！
73. Is your child drinking breast milk or your milk now?

74.鸳鸯戏水，都他妈淹死；比翼双飞，都他妈摔死！
74. Mandarin ducks playing in water, all of them drown to death; birds flying together, all of them fall to their death!

75.再牛b的肖邦，也弹不出老子的悲伤！
75. Even the most outstanding Chopin can’t play out my sorrow!

76.要我扫地就绝对不刷碗，要我刷碗就绝对不扫地，两样一起做，你当我是外星人啊。
76. If you ask me to sweep the floor, I absolutely won’t wash the dishes; if you ask me to wash the dishes, I absolutely won’t sweep the floor. If you want me to do both, do you think I’m an alien?

77.法佬说：今天是端午节，我请你们吃粽子，人肉馅儿的，来人呐，上木乃伊…
77. A Frenchman said: “Today is the Dragon Boat Festival, I’ll treat you all to zongzi, with human meat filling. Come on, bring the mummy…”

78.双手愿为女人而粗糙。
78. My hands are willing to become rough for women.

79.我被子生病了，要好好照顾它。
79. My quilt is sick; I need to take good care of it.

80.出问题先从自己身上找原因，别一便秘就怪地球没引力。
80. When there’s a problem, look for the reasons within yourself first, instead of blaming the lack of gravity on Earth when you have constipation.

81.一个黑人去看恐怖片，结果把脸都吓白了。
81. A black man went to watch a horror movie, and his face turned pale from fear.

82.天空不留下鸟的痕迹，但我已飞过！
82. The sky does not retain the traces of birds, but I have flown by!

83.你很有种，你很牛逼，你很有能耐！但是，你他妈的有本事睁着眼睛打个喷嚏看看！
83. You’ve got guts, you’re awesome, and you’re capable! But, damn it, try sneezing with your eyes open and see!

84.脾气不好是因为没睡饱 我睡饱了的话可萌了。
84. A bad temper is due to lack of sleep; when I’m well-rested, I can be so cute.

85.如果说剪掉头发就是剪掉回忆，那我剪成光头是不是可以失忆？
85. If cutting hair means cutting away memories, would shaving my head make me amnesiac?

86.可以不好好学习，但决不能不好好复习。
86. You can not study hard, but you must review diligently.

87.小样，见了我还不自刎！
87. You little thing, why don’t you commit suicide when you see me?

88.青年靠什么混日子  青年靠什么混日子？头等青年靠出身，二等青年靠关系，三等青年靠天资，四等青年靠努力，五等青年耍文艺，六等青年打游戏，穷游，看美剧。
88. What do young people rely on to get by? Top young people rely on their background, second-class young people rely on connections, third-class young people rely on talent, fourth-class young people rely on hard work, fifth-class young people indulge in arts, sixth-class young people play games, travel poor, and watch American dramas.

89.邯郸农行万惊醒了我的彩票梦，还是老老实实的做人吧，别总胡思乱想了成天！
89. The Handan Agricultural Bank incident shattered my lottery dream; I should just be an honest person and stop daydreaming all the time!

90.吃货说：我攒了一辈子钱，没买车，没买房，就想买一桌满汉全席。
90. Foodies say: I’ve saved money all my life, not buying a car or a house, just wanting to buy a table full of Manchu feast.

91.工作的最高境界就是看着别人上班，领着别人的工资。
91. The highest state of work is watching others go to work while receiving their salary.

92.这位姑娘，首先，我们之间有代沟，其次，你又没有乳沟，你说，我们还怎么交流？
92. This young lady, first of all, there’s a generation gap between us, and secondly, you don’t have a cleavage. How can we communicate?

93.女人啊女人，男人的舞台你们永远是站在光圈和掌声之外的。
93. Women, oh women, you will always stand beyond the spotlight and applause on the stage of men.

94.乞丐：大嫂，我两天没吃饭了，能给点儿蛋糕吗？大嫂：蛋糕？我这儿只有米饭。乞丐：要是平常也就算了，可今天是我的生日！
94. Beggar: Sister, I haven’t eaten for two days. Can you give me some cake? Sister: Cake? I only have rice here. Beggar: If it were any other day, I would have settled for it, but today is my birthday!

95.清清爽爽的印象  很高兴没有跟你纠缠不清，至少落个清清爽爽的印象。
95. A refreshing impression. I’m glad I didn’t get entangled with you, at least leaving a refreshing impression.

96.你长的很爱国很敬业很有骨气，你不会在背后说别人坏话，不会陷害别人，你是全世界最不龌龊的人，你品德高尚，你从不会倒打别人一耙，你诚实善良美丽多姿，原谅我刚才说了违心的话啊。
96. You look very patriotic, dedicated, and have backbone. You don’t gossip about others behind their backs, nor do you frame them. You are the least despicable person in the world. Your morals are高尚, and you would never turn against others. You are honest, kind, beautiful, and versatile. Forgive me for speaking insincerely just now.

97.我终究没能飙得过那辆宝马，只能眼看着它在夕阳中绝尘而去，不是我的引擎不好，而是我的车链子掉了。
97. I couldn’t outrun that BMW after all, and could only watch it disappear into the sunset. It’s not that my engine is bad, but my bicycle chain fell off.

98.没钱的，养猪，有钱的，养狗。没钱的，在家里吃野菜，有钱的，在酒店吃野菜。没钱的，在马路上骑车，有钱的，在客厅里骑车。没钱的想结婚，有钱的想离婚。没钱的老婆兼秘书，有钱的秘书兼老婆。没钱的装有钱，有钱的装没钱。
98. The poor raise pigs, the rich raise dogs. The poor eat wild vegetables at home, the rich eat wild vegetables at hotels. The poor ride bikes on the road, the rich ride bikes in their living rooms. The poor want to get married, the rich want to divorce. The poor have wives who are also secretaries, the rich have secretaries who are also wives. The poor pretend to be rich, the rich pretend to be poor.

99.开学第一天，愁的不是作业，而是理由，对吗？
99. On the first day of school, it’s not the homework that worries you, but the excuses, right?

100.买了电脑不上宽带，就好比酒肉都准备好了却在吃饭前当了和尚。
100. Buying a computer without broadband is like having all the food ready but becoming a monk before eating.

1.孩纸请你记住，过度谦虚那不叫优雅，那叫无能好么！
1. Child, please remember, excessive modesty is not called elegance, it’s called incompetence!

2.和你擦肩而过你却不知道是我，因为我把头扭过去了。
2. I passed by you, but you didn’t know it was me because I turned my head away.

3.我身在江湖，江湖却没有关于我的传说！
3. I am in the world of martial arts, but there are no legends about me!

4.躺在床上睡不着 趴在桌子上睡的跟猪一样.
4. Lying in bed unable to sleep, but sleeping on the table like a pig.

5.人只要不失去方向，就不会失去自己！人生重要的不是所站的位置，而是所朝的方向。
5. As long as one does not lose their direction, they will not lose themselves! What’s important in life is not the position one stands in, but the direction one faces.

6.男人希望锁住女人钱包的拉链，女人希望锁住男人裤子上的拉链。
6. Men want to lock the zipper of women’s wallets, while women want to lock the zipper on men’s pants.

7.上小学时上课爱睡觉，一次语文课老师布置的作业，写一篇作文，题目是（假如我是蜘蛛），下课了问了同学。晚上在家绞尽脑汁的写了一篇（假如我是只猪）。后来我在学校火了。
7. When I was in elementary school, I loved sleeping in class. Once, the Chinese teacher assigned homework to write an essay titled “If I Were a Spider.” I asked a classmate after class. That night, I racked my brain and wrote an essay titled “If I Were a Pig.” Later, I became famous in school.

8.我花万买了个西周陶罐，昨儿到《鉴宝》栏目进行鉴定，专家严肃地说：“这哪是西周的？这是上周的！”
8. I spent ten thousand yuan on a Western Zhou pottery jar. Yesterday, I went to the “Appraisal” column for identification, and the expert said seriously, “This is not from the Western Zhou period; it’s from last week!”

9.《走进科学》终于揭开神农架野人之谜——原来这是一群买不起房的中国人！
9. “Science in Action” finally unravels the mystery of the wild man in Shennongjia - it turns out to be a group of Chinese people who can’t afford housing!

10.据我观察，你肯定从小缺钙，长大缺爱，姥姥不疼，舅舅不爱。
10. Based on my observation, you must have been缺钙 as a child and缺爱 when you grew up. Your grandmother doesn’t dote on you, and your uncle doesn’t love you.

11.我要瘦成一道闪电，照亮所有猥琐的死胖子。
11. I want to become as thin as a lightning bolt, illuminating all the despicable fat people.

12.叶子的离开是因为风的追求还是树的不挽留？
12. Does a leaf leave because of the wind’s pursuit or the tree’s failure to hold on?

13.大学就是大概学学！
13. College is just a general learning experience!

14.良家妇女从不自称高贵，但人们都承认他们的高尚。
14. Virtuous women never claim to be noble, but everyone acknowledges their nobility.

15.哥，不寂寞，因为有寂寞陪着哥。
15. Brother, I’m not lonely because I have loneliness to accompany me.

16.在家的时候发烧还会坚持上网，上学的时候打个喷嚏都会觉得是癌症晚期。
16. When I have a fever at home, I still insist on surfing the internet; when I’m at school, even a sneeze makes me think I have late-stage cancer.

17.别拿你的大好年华去完成一本不可能完成的作业.
17. Don’t waste your prime years on an impossible assignment.

18.找个时间，找个地点，找首好歌，认认真真地听着歌开一段长长的思想小猜。
18. Find a moment, a place, a good song, and listen to it attentively while letting your mind wander.

19.这个世界或许还有爱情的存在，正如专家们都在考证到底有没有外星人的道理。
19. There might still be love in this world, just as experts are investigating whether there are extraterrestrial beings or not.

20.人要是无聊啊鼻涕泡都能拿来玩会。
20. When people are bored, they can even play with their own snot bubbles.

21.步步高打火机，哪里不会点哪里，妈妈以后再也不用担心我学习了。
21. Step-by-step, the BangBang high lighter – point and learn wherever you don’t know. Mom, you don’t have to worry about my studies anymore.

22.鸟大了什么林子都有！
22. When a bird grows big, it can find a forest anywhere!

23.每一个单身汉都是上天派来保护地球的天使，如果不是他们一直高贵的保持单身，不去结婚生孩子，这个世界早就挤满了人类了。是他们用自己纯洁的灵魂与上帝做交易，来换取这个世界的和平，请好好的珍惜他们吧！
23. Every bachelor is an angel sent by heaven to protect the Earth. If they didn’t remain noble and single, the world would have been overcrowded with humans long ago. They trade their pure souls with God for the peace of the world; please cherish them!

24.走自己的路，让别人说去吧！吃自己的饭，让别人吐出吧！
24. Walk your own path and let others talk; eat your own food and let others choke.

25.今天约了个妹子来我家，妹子问我家里wifi哪个？我说：“蹭你妈B啊。”妹子给了我一巴掌就走了，妹子听我解释，我的wifi真的是蹭你妈B啊。
25. Today, I invited a girl to my house. She asked which WiFi was mine. I said, “It’s from your mom’s place.” She slapped me and left. Please let me explain, my WiFi is really from your mom’s place.

26.到银行取钱，车停路边，怕交警罚，让朋友留下看车，有Pol.ice过来告我一声。。。 不久，果然Pol.ice来了，朋友慌忙跑到银行，一声大吼：大哥，警察来了，快走！ 尼玛，瞬间被三四个保安按地上了，这猪一样的队友以后真不敢带身边啊！
26. When I went to the bank to withdraw money, I parked my car on the side of the road and asked a friend to watch it, letting me know if a police officer came. Soon, a police officer did arrive, and my friend rushed to the bank, yelling loudly, “Big brother, the police are here, let’s go!” I was instantly tackled by several security guards. I dare not bring such a pig teammate along anymore!

27.虽然我不能菩度众生，但我可以祸害苍生。
27. Although I cannot help all living beings, I can bring disaster to them.

28.心情郁闷时，拿房东的牙刷刷马桶。
28. When feeling depressed, use your landlord’s toothbrush to scrub the toilet.

29.虽然我长的不是很帅，但小时候也有人夸我左边鼻孔很偶像派。
29. Although I’m not very handsome, people complimented my left nostril as quite idol-like when I was young.

30.他讲的笑话是如此地好笑，以至于大家不得不看一场悲剧才能让心情稍稍得以平静。
30. The joke he told was so funny that everyone had to watch a tragedy to calm down a bit.

31.你愿意和我早恋，早爱吗？我愿意和你晚婚，晚育。
31. Would you like to have a早恋 (early romantic relationship) with me? I would like to have a 晚婚 (late marriage) and 晚育 (late childbirth) with you.

32.世界上最远的距离，不是天涯海角，而是我在电信，你在网通……
32. The longest distance in the world is not the ends of the earth, but I am in Telecom and you are in Netcom…

33.笑我的人，麻烦你先把牙刷白了。
33. If you’re going to laugh at me, please whiten your teeth first.

34.老鼠扛刀，满街找猫。
34. A rat carrying a knife, looking for cats on the streets.

35.早年，某公司，买了一台电脑，放在某人的办公桌上，有一天这个人被领导谈话，领导说：这个电脑呢，虽然是放在你的桌子上，主要是你在用，但是它不是你的个人财产，你在电脑上写“我的电脑”，影响很不好。于是，“我的电脑” 被重命名为“我们的电脑”。
35. In the early years, a company bought a computer and placed it on someone’s desk. One day, the person was talked to by their leader. The leader said: Although the computer is on your desk and mainly used by you, it is not your personal property. Writing “My Computer” on it has a bad influence. So, “My Computer” was renamed to “Our Computer.”

36.想污染一个地方有两种方法：垃圾，或是钞票！
36. There are two ways to pollute a place: garbage or money!

37.有一根火柴，几天不洗头，头皮痒，抓着抓着就被烧死了。
37. There was a match, and for several days, the person didn’t wash their hair. The scalp itched, and while scratching, the match got burned.

38.我未来的女朋友，现在在和谁谈恋爱？
38. My future girlfriend, who is she dating now?

39.你觉得我内向是因为我不爱说话，其实我不爱说话时因为我觉得你是个傻逼。
39. You think I’m introverted because I don’t talk much, but the truth is, I don’t talk much because I think you’re an idiot.

40.多好的一朵菊花，偏偏被你给掐了。
40. What a beautiful chrysanthemum, but it was picked by you.

41.富翁接受采访说，你很难想象我年轻时候吃过多少苦，当过黄牛，搞过搬运，做过走私……记者：我们都看到这些历练让你走向成功了。富翁说，不是，后来我终于娶了一个有钱的老婆。
41. A millionaire said in an interview, “It’s hard for you to imagine how much hardship I went through when I was young, being a scalper, doing manual labor, and engaging in smuggling…” The reporter said, “We can see that these experiences have led you to success.” The millionaire replied, “No, it was because I eventually married a wealthy woman.”

42.你可以像猪一样的生活，但你永远都不能像猪那样快乐！
42. You can live like a pig, but you can never be as happy as a pig!

43.有的人与人之间的相遇就像是流星，瞬间迸发出令人羡慕的火花，却注定只是匆匆而过。
43. Some encounters between people are like meteors, bursting with enviable sparks in an instant, but they are destined to be fleeting.

44.别以为你长的稀有样我们就应该物以稀为贵.
44. Don’t think that just because you look rare, we should value you as a rarity.

45.目前中国男女人口比例为. ：，所以呢，男同胞们要好好奋斗了，不然 你就是那【.】！！女孩们就更应该努力的，否则，连那【.】都轮不上你！！
45. Currently, the male-to-female population ratio in China is .:. Therefore, men must work hard, or you’ll be that 【.】! Girls should work even harder, otherwise, you won’t even get that 【.】!

46.政府想着怎么合理征税，老板想着怎么合理避税，而我想着怎么合理多睡！
46. The government thinks about how to tax reasonably, the boss thinks about how to avoid taxes reasonably, and I think about how to sleep more reasonably!

47.有些事情本身我们无法控制，只好控制自己。
47. There are some things we cannot control, so we have to control ourselves.

48.只要你每天坚持自习，认真刻苦，态度端正，忍受孤独，最终的胜利肯定是属于那些考场上发挥好的人。
48. As long as you study hard every day, work diligently, maintain a serious attitude, and endure loneliness, the ultimate victory will surely belong to those who perform well on the exam.

49.你穿的很危险，但是你长的很安全！
49. You dress dangerously, but you look very safe!

50.好久没有听到有人能把牛吹得这么清新脱俗了！
50. I haven’t heard anyone brag so elegantly and refreshingly in a long time!

51.考试就像得了病一样，考前是忧郁症，考时是健忘症，考后病情开始好转，拿回卷子时，心脏病就发作了。
51. Exams are like getting sick: before the exam is depression, during the exam is amnesia, after the exam, the condition starts to improve, but when you get your test back, a heart attack occurs.

52.一日晚归，路遇劫匪，颤抖曰：大哥，我是津桥的刚毕业，找不着工作，真的没钱。劫匪痛哭道：兄弟，俺也是津桥的，拿好毕业证，前面抢劫的也是津桥的，放心我们不抢自己人！
52. One evening on my way home, I encountered a robber who trembled and said, “Big brother, I just graduated from Jin Qiao and can’t find a job. I really have no money.” The robber burst into tears and said, “Brother, I’m also from Jin Qiao. Hold on to your diploma. The ones robbing ahead are also from Jin Qiao. Don’t worry, we don’t rob our own people!”

53.中午在食堂叫了两个菜。吃第一个我震撼了“世界上还有比这更难吃的菜吗？”吃第二个我哭了“还真有啊”。
53. At noon, I ordered two dishes in the cafeteria. After eating the first one, I was shocked and thought, “Is there a更难吃的菜 in the world?” When I ate the second one, I cried, “There actually is!”

54.女人一生最喜欢两朵花：一是有钱花，二是尽量花！
54. Women love two types of flowers in their lives: one is having money to spend, and the other is spending as much as possible!

55.早上赶公共汽车，到站台的时候，汽车已经启动了。于是我只好边追边喊：“师傅，等等我！师傅，等等我呀！”这时一乘客从车窗探出头来冲我说了一句：“悟空你就别追了。”
55. In the morning, I was catching a bus and arrived at the platform just as it started moving. So I had to chase after it while shouting, “Master, wait for me! Master, wait for me!” At that moment, a passenger stuck his head out of the window and said to me, “Wukong, don’t chase anymore.”

56.“一炮走红”这条成语其实是形容古今女艺人的！
56. The idiom “一炮走红” actually describes female artists from ancient and modern times!

57.我也不知道为什么会这样，我只是喜欢上兄弟的女人！
57. I don’t know why, but I just fell in love with my brother’s woman!

58.一直想对你说句话，可你知道它的分量，一旦说出，可能咱连朋友都没法做了，但我控制不住感情！现在我鼓足勇气对你说：什么时候请我吃饭？
58. I’ve always wanted to say something to you, but you know its weight. Once it’s said, we might not even be friends anymore. But I can’t control my feelings! Now I muster the courage to tell you: When will you treat me to a meal?

59.你何止是见钱眼开啊，你见钱屁眼儿都开了，不能叫开，那简直就是怒放。
59. You’re not just money-grubbing; when it comes to money, even your asshole opens wide, not to mention your eyes. It’s not just open, it’s blooming wildly.

60.谁说我白，瘦，漂亮，我就跟他做好朋友。
60. Whoever says I’m white, thin, and beautiful, I’ll be best friends with them.

61.我走了以后你打电话给我说想我，像极了那街边乱叫的狗。
61. After I left, you called me and said you missed me, just like those barking dogs on the street.

62.插人家洞的是插头，有洞被人家插的是插座！
62. The one that plugs into another hole is a plug, and the one with a hole being plugged into is a socket!

63.不要和我比懒，我懒的和你比。
63. Don’t compare yourself to me in laziness; I’m too lazy to compete with you.

64.我现在的状态：呆货，学渣，逗比，没钱，没长相，没身高，没对象。
64. My current status: a fool, a loser, a clown, broke, no looks, no height, no partner.

65.都说钱是万能的，结果我拿着钱去超市买女人却被揍成了大熊猫。
65. They say money is omnipotent, but when I went to the supermarket with money to buy a woman, I got beaten up and looked like a panda.

66.小时候，父母始终相信女大十八变，丑小鸭会变白天鹅，然后嫁个大款成富婆；长大后某天，父亲很专注地看着我，然后语重心长地说：“孩子，你还是用功读书吧……”
66. When I was young, my parents always believed that a girl would change when she grew up, that an ugly duckling would become a white swan, and then marry a rich guy to become a wealthy woman. When I grew up, one day my father looked at me intently and said earnestly, “My child, you should study hard…”

67.“崩溃”就是一位老太太走进肯德基，对服务员说，请问麦当劳怎么走。
67. “Breaking down” is when an old lady walks into KFC and asks the server, “Excuse me, how do I get to McDonald’s?”

68.一日一醉汉酒后打车回家，伸手拦一辆巡警车，并且嚷嚷道：我知道一块钱一公里，但你也没必要写那么大吧！
68. One day, a drunk man hailed a police car to take him home, shouting, “I know it’s one yuan per kilometer, but you don’t have to write it so big, do you?”

69.记住该记住的，忘记该忘记的。改变能改变的，接受不能改变的。
69. Remember what should be remembered, and forget what should be forgotten. Change what can be changed, and accept what cannot be changed.

70.男人口袋有点钱，腰部以下不会闲！
70. When a man has some money in his pocket, his waist and below won’t be idle!

71.小明数学不好被父母转学到一间教会学校。半年后数学成绩全A。妈妈问：“是修女教得好？是教材好？是祷告？”“都不是，”小明说，“进学校的第一天，我看见一个人被钉死在加号上面，我就知道，他们是玩真的。
71. Xiao Ming had poor math grades, so his parents transferred him to a church school. After half a year, his math grades were all A’s. His mother asked, “Was it the good teaching of the nuns? Was it the good textbooks? Was it prayer?” “None of the above,” Xiao Ming said. “On the first day of school, I saw a person crucified on a plus sign. I knew they were serious.”

72.我的id是假冒的，大家不要相信我是骗子。
72. My ID is fake, don’t trust me, I’m a scammer.

73.年关到了，我给儿子买了许多摔炮。儿子没事就拿几个胡乱甩。到处噼噼啪啪的响。熊孩子估计把摔炮里面的火药粉拆开，洒烟灰缸里了。没想到，他爸爸回家坐下来吸烟时，你能想象他爸把烟头往里一戳，那火星子给个老爷们吓得嗷一嗓子么……。
73. As the New Year approaches, I bought many firecrackers for my son. He would casually throw a few around, making loud noises everywhere. The naughty child probably took apart the gunpowder inside the firecrackers and sprinkled it in the ashtray. Unexpectedly, when his father came home and sat down to smoke, can you imagine the poor man’s scream when he put the cigarette end in and sparks flew…?

74.屌丝为么能看到心爱女神的那像汉子一样的个性，那是因为女神她根本就不吊你，不稀饭你。
74. Why can a loser see the tomboyish personality of their beloved goddess? It’s because the goddess doesn’t care about you or like you at all.

75.今年胖过的姑娘 明年一定能瘦成一道闪电。
75. Girls who are fat this year will definitely be as thin as lightning next year.

76.一个羊毛毯可以温暖一个孤儿寂寞的长夜，也可以包庇一对狗男女臭汗淋漓的奸情。
76. A woolen blanket can warm up a lonely orphan’s long night, and it can also cover up the sweaty奸情 of a pair of adulterous lovers.

77.我才不会去跟白痴较劲，那样别人会分不清哪个才是白痴。
77. I would never argue with an idiot, otherwise people wouldn’t be able to tell who the real idiot is.

78.标准女屌丝的心态是：姐又没男人，胖点好过冬。
78. The standard mindset of a female loser is: I don’t have a man, so it’s better to be a bit fat for the winter.

79.逃课太多，一天想去上课，见到教授，教授惊讶地说，这么长时间不见，长这么大了。
79. After skipping too many classes, one day I wanted to go to class and when I saw the professor, he was surprised and said, “Long time no see, you’ve grown so much.”

80.只需一分钟就可以碰到一个人，一小时喜欢上一个人，一天爱上一个人，但需要花尽一生的时间去忘掉一个人。
80. It takes only one minute to meet someone, an hour to like someone, a day to fall in love with someone, but a lifetime to forget someone.

81.一觉醒来，天都黑了。
81. When I wake up, it’s already dark outside.

82.好男人就是在别的女人面前老老实实，在自己心爱的女人面前色到要死。
82. A good man is honest in front of other women, but very flirtatious in front of the woman he loves.

83.你骂，你继续骂，等骂够了给我讲一下，我先去睡觉！
83. You curse, continue to curse, and when you’re done, let me know, I’m going to sleep first!

84.俩屎壳螂讨论福利彩票，甲说：我要中了大奖就把方圆里的厕所都买下来，每天吃个够！乙说：你丫太俗了！我要是中了大奖就包一活人，每天吃新鲜的！
84. Two dung beetles discuss welfare lottery tickets. A says: If I win the jackpot, I’ll buy all the toilets in the area and eat as much as I want every day! B says: You’re too vulgar! If I win the jackpot, I’ll hire a living person and eat fresh every day!

85.我不是个随便的人，我随便起来不是人。
85. I’m not a casual person, but when I’m casual, I’m not human.

86.大学毕业后，某日看到N久没联系的同学在河对岸放马，我就嘲笑他：“小样，都混成这样了！”结果他和我吵起来，我怒：“靠，有种你放马过来啊！”他说：“谁怕谁啊？有种你牵牛过来呀！”
86. After graduating from university, one day I saw a classmate I hadn’t contacted in a long time herding horses on the other side of the river. I mocked him: “Wow, you’ve sunk so low!” He got angry and argued with me. I shouted: “Come on, bring your horse over here!” He replied: “Who’s afraid of whom? Bring your cow here!”

87.像你这种人，在我导演的连续剧里，我最多能让你活两集。
87. For someone like you, in the TV series I direct, I would only let you live for two episodes at most.

88.每过一天，我就在日历上打个圈。到星期天的时候，才发现日子被我过成了省略号。
88. Every day, I would make a mark on the calendar. By Sunday, I realized I had turned the days into ellipses.

89.下决心重新做人，以后说话“卧槽”一律改成“怎么会是这样”，“尼玛”改成“你太令我失望了”，“滚蛋”改成“请你以后不要再出现在我面前了”。例句：“卧槽尼玛给劳资滚蛋！”稍加润色变成“怎么会变成这样？真是太令我失望了。请你以后不要再出现在我面前了好吗？”从此现世安稳，岁月静好。
89. I decided to start over and change my language: “Wo Cao” would become “How could this be?”, “Ni Ma” would become “You’ve disappointed me”, and “Gun Dan” would become “Please don’t appear in front of me again.” For example: “Wo Cao Ni Ma, give me a break!” would be refined to “How could this happen? It’s really disappointing. Please don’t appear in front of me again, okay?” From then on, the world is peaceful and the years are quiet.

90.过年了，朋友来串门，走后我问宝贝儿子：宝啊，刚刚叔叔阿姨给了红包没啊？四岁的儿子；没给我：哦，给了多少？儿子高兴的回答：给了呢，完爆。
90. During the New Year, a friend came to visit. After they left, I asked my four-year-old son: “Did the uncle and aunt give you a red envelope?” He replied: “No, they didn’t give me one.” I asked: “How much did they give?” He happily answered: “They did give me one, and it was a big one!”

91.没高度没风度，光有一付啤酒肚。
91. No height, no demeanor, just a beer belly.

92.谢谢你，谢你大爷，谢你全家，谢你祖宗十八代！
92. Thank you, thank your uncle, thank your whole family, thank your ancestors eighteen generations!

93.有一种爱叫泰坦尼亚号。
93. There is a kind of love called the Titanic.

94.不是我不叠被子，主要是我恋旧，就是喜欢睡前一天睡过的被窝。非逼我把这个生活习惯问题上升到人格修养上来。
94. It’s not that I don’t fold the quilt, it’s mainly because I’m nostalgic and just like the warmth of the quilt I slept in the night before. Don’t force me to elevate this habit to a matter of personal cultivation.

95.打死我也不说，你们还没使美人计呢！
95. I won’t say it even if you kill me, you haven’t tried the beauty tactic yet!

96.计划生育部长下乡考察，见一老农，问道：“老乡，知道为什么近亲不能结婚吗？”老农搓着手，憨厚的说：“呵呵呵呵呵呵呵呵，亲戚，太熟，不好下手！”
96. The family planning minister went to the countryside for inspection and saw an old farmer, asking, “Fellow, do you know why close relatives can’t get married?” The old farmer rubbed his hands and said innocently, “Hehehehehehehe, relatives, too familiar, not easy to start!”

97.蚊子咬你之后真的很气愤，但是更气愤的是，它咬了你，你却找不到它！
97. It’s really infuriating when a mosquito bites you, but even more infuriating is that it bit you, yet you can’t find it!

98.就算是believe，中间也藏着一个lie。
98. Even in believe, there is a lie hidden in the middle.

99.世界上最悲惨的事是：买好吃的时候遇到吃货同桌。
99. The most miserable thing in the world is to buy delicious food when you encounter a foodie同桌 (classmate/colleague).

100.对于我来说，活着本身就已经是对老天爷的一种妥协了。
100. For me, living itself is already a compromise to the heavens.