1、从猴子变成人需要成千上万年，从人变回猴子只用一瓶酒。
1. It takes thousands of years for a monkey to evolve into a human, but it only takes a bottle of alcohol for a human to devolve into a monkey.

2、英雄不问出路，流氓不看岁数！
2. A hero doesn’t care about their origin, and a hooligan doesn’t care about their age!

3、睡眠是一门艺术，谁也无法阻挡我追求艺术的脚步！
3. Sleeping is an art, and no one can stop me from pursuing my artistic endeavors!

4、长大了，娶唐僧做老公，能玩就玩一玩，不能玩就把他吃掉。
4. When I grow up, I want to marry Tang Seng as my husband, play with him if I can, and eat him if I can’t.

5、考试考得好，全靠同桌好。
5. Good grades in exams all depend on having a good deskmate.

6、分手多没意思，有本事咱俩玩离婚！
6. Breaking up is so boring; if you have the guts, let’s play at getting a divorce!

7、我是心眼小，但是不缺，我是脾气好，但不是没有！
7. I may have a small mind, but it’s not absent; I may have a good temper, but it’s not nonexistent!

8、你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
8. You might as well let me kneel on a washboard; I can’t stand kneeling in front of an electric heater!

9、女人一生最喜欢两朵花：一是有钱花，二是尽量花！
9. Throughout their lives, women love two types of flowers: one is spending money, and the other is trying their best to spend it!

10、两只鸳鸯同命鸟，一对蝴蝶可怜虫。
10. Two mandarin ducks share the same fate, while a pair of butterflies are pitiful creatures.

11、明星脱一点就能更出名，我脱的光光的却被抓起来了！
11. Celebrities become more famous when they reveal a little more, but when I stripped down completely, I got arrested!

12、暧昧就是我找你借钱，你没说借，也没说不借，而是只说你老公不在家……
12. Ambiguity is like when I ask you for a loan, and instead of saying yes or no, you only mention that your husband is not at home…

13、俗话说：你笑，全世界都跟着你笑；你哭，全世界只有你一个人哭。
13. As the saying goes: if you laugh, the whole world laughs with you; if you cry, you cry alone.

14、老子不打你，你就不知道我文武双全。
14. If I don’t hit you, you’ll never know that I’m both cultured and skilled in martial arts.

15、我特别困的时候，道德标准也没有醒，老师们要小心了。
15. When I’m extremely sleepy, my moral standards are also asleep, so teachers should be careful.

16、笨男人+笨女人=结婚；笨男人+聪明女人=离婚；聪明男人+笨女人=婚外情；聪明男人+聪明女人=浪漫爱情。
16. A dull man + a dull woman = marriage; a dull man + a smart woman = divorce; a smart man + a dull woman = affair; a smart man + a smart woman = romantic love.

17、上帝说要有光，我说我反对，于是，世界上有了黑暗。
17. God said there should be light, but I disagreed, and thus, darkness was created in the world.

18、哥是文明人，所有脏话均已使用唾液消毒。
18. I am a civilized person, and all the dirty words I use have been disinfected with saliva.

19、脸乃身外之物，可要可不要，钱乃必要之物，不得不要。
19. A face is an external thing, dispensable or not; money is a necessary thing, and it must be obtained.

20、地理老师问：四大洋分别是那个？我答：喜羊羊美羊羊懒羊羊沸羊羊
20. Geography teacher asked: What are the four oceans? I answered: Pleasant Sheep, Beautiful Sheep, Lazy Sheep, and Boiling Sheep.

21、好累，想在后脑勺划一刀，然后瘫在地上装储蓄罐。
21. I’m so tired; I want to make a cut on the back of my head and collapse on the ground, pretending to be a piggy bank.

22、当我看见美女的时候，首先摸摸兜里，看看有没有钱！
22. When I see a beautiful woman, I first check my pocket to see if I have any money!

23、如果我是一位公主，我会拯救一只青蛙，可我遇到的全是癞蛤蟆。
23. If I were a princess, I would save a frog, but all I’ve encountered are toads.

24、邀请女生出来玩失败有两个原因，一是她懒得洗头，二是你的邀请不值得她洗头。
24. There are two reasons for failing to invite a girl out: either she’s too lazy to wash her hair, or your invitation isn’t worth her washing her hair.

25、穷耐克，富阿迪，流氓一身阿玛尼。
25. Poor wear Nike, rich wear Adidas, and gangsters wear Armani.

26、当你穿上了爱情的婚纱，我也披上了和尚的袈裟……
26. When you put on the wedding dress for love, I’ll be wearing a monk’s robe…

27、我上了床就和野兽一样，具体来说像考拉，一睡就是18个小时。
27. Once I get in bed, I become like a wild animal, specifically like a koala, sleeping for 18 hours.

28、蚊子你有手有脚的，为什么不找份工作正正当当地生活。
28. Mosquitoes, you have hands and feet; why don’t you find a job and live a decent life?

29、谁说我白，瘦，漂亮，我就跟他做好朋友。
29. If anyone says I’m white, thin, and beautiful, I’ll be their best friend.

30、老师说上课不可以吃零食，还好今天我带的是火锅。
30. The teacher said no snacking in class, but luckily, I brought hot pot today.

31、有人说我不要脸，这简直胡扯，这么帅我哪舍得不要。
31. Some people say I have no shame; that’s nonsense! How could I bear to part with my handsome face?

32、把屁都存起来，到时候全部捐给那些对我不满的人。
32. I’ll save all my farts and donate them to those who are dissatisfied with me.

33、这么大冷天里，这么大冷天里，单身狗可能会升级为汪汪碎冰冰。
33. In this cold weather, single dogs might upgrade to “Wangwang Shattered Ice Cream.”

34、是人都有阴暗面，如果你偏说你很单纯，那我只能说，你不是人！
34. Everyone has a dark side; if you insist on being innocent, I’d say, you’re not human!

35、有时候，除了谎言是真的，其它全是假的！
35. Sometimes, the only truth is a lie; everything else is fake!

36、鸳鸯戏水，都他妈淹死；比翼双飞，都他妈摔死！
36. Mandarin ducks playing in water, all drown to death; birds flying together, all fall to their death!

37、身后空无一人，嚣张是我本性。
37. With no one behind me, arrogance is my nature.

38、像你这种人，在我导演的连续剧里，我最多能让你活两集。
38. For people like you, in the TV series I direct, I’d only let you live for two episodes at most.

39、最近比较烦、比较烦烦烦烦！无聊的世界苍天，请赐我一死我睡觉去安静一下！
39. I’m so annoyed lately, bored with this world! Heavens, please grant me death so I can sleep and be at peace!

40、你这么爱说风凉话，莫非你是风油精和清凉油生出来的？
40. You love to say cold-hearted words, could it be that you were born from a mix of Wind Oil Essence and Cooling Oil?

41、又到了这个尴尬的季节，一个穿短袖的和一个穿棉袄的擦肩而过，互相在心底都说了句傻逼。
41. It’s that awkward season again when someone in short sleeves and someone in a cotton jacket pass by each other, secretly calling each other idiots in their hearts.

42、上帝给了我们七情六欲，我们却把它们变成了色情和暴力。
42. God gave us seven emotions and six desires, but we turned them into pornography and violence.

43、那个叫珍妮的女孩我不喜欢，我喜欢那个叫玛尼的！
43. I don’t like that girl named Jenny; I like the one named Manny!

44、你不拿我当回事，对不起，我也没把你当人看，我告诉你，别把我逼到这份上。
44. You don’t take me seriously, well, I’m sorry, but I don’t treat you like a human either. Let me tell you, don’t push me to this point.

45、天若有情天亦老，动我兄弟全部放倒！
45. If heaven has feelings, it would grow old; anyone who messes with my brother will be taken down!

46、别说煽情的话，待会儿酒瓶一砸咱俩各回各家。
46. Don’t say sentimental things; after the bottle smashes, we’ll both go our separate ways.

47、天上掉钞票我不会弯腰，因为天上连馅饼都不会掉，更别说掉钞票了。
47. I won’t bend down to pick up banknotes from the sky because even pies don’t fall from the sky, let alone money.

48、锻炼肌肉，防止挨揍！
48. Build muscles to prevent getting beaten up!

49、如果回帖是一种美德，那我早就成为圣人了。
49. If replying to posts is a virtue, then I’ve become a saint long ago.

50、雷锋做了好事不留名，但是每一件事情都记到日记里面。
50. Lei Feng did good deeds without leaving his name, but he recorded every single one of them in his diary.

51、喝白酒一斤，我绝对没感觉，因为喝半斤就已经喝死了。
51. Drinking a pound of white wine won’t affect me because I’m already dead after drinking half a pound.

52、有时候老天下一场雨，是因为世界需要洗一洗，有时候眼睛下雨了，是因为心需要洗一洗。
52. Sometimes the world needs a wash, and that’s why it rains; sometimes our hearts need a wash, and that’s why our eyes cry.

53、不是你不滚，是我不够狠。
53. It’s not that you won’t leave, it’s just that I’m not ruthless enough.

54、老师本想对同学们说把掌声送给自己，可不小心说成把巴掌送给自己。说完，一同学”啪”“啪”就给了自己两耳光。
54. The teacher wanted to tell the students to give applause to themselves, but accidentally said to give slaps to themselves. After hearing this, one student “clap” “clap” gave themselves two slaps.

55、考题再复杂，终究没有我这心情复杂。
55. No matter how complicated the exam questions are, they are not as complex as my emotions.

56、谁说水火无情，当你快要被口水淹死的时候，你却火了。
56. Who says water and fire are merciless? When you’re about to be drowned by saliva, you’re on fire.

57、眉毛上的汗水，眉毛下的泪水，你总得选一样。
57. Sweat on your eyebrows or tears under your eyebrows, you have to choose one.

58、思想就像内裤，要有，但不能逢人就证明你有。
58. Thoughts are like underwear; you have to have them, but you can’t prove it to everyone.

59、为什么你坐在那儿，看上去就像一个没写地址的信封？
59. Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without an address?

60、人人都说我丑，其实我只是美得不明显。
60. Everyone says I’m ugly, but in fact, I’m just not obviously beautiful.

61、爱情就像个响屁，高调的开始，低调的结束。
61. Love is like a loud fart, starting with a bang and ending with a whimper.

62、你就是我心中的那首忐忑，总是让我惊心动魄。
62. You are the忐忑 in my heart, always making me thrilled and nervous.

63、您复杂的五官，掩饰不了您朴素的智商。
63. Your complex facial features cannot conceal your simple intelligence.

64、人和猪的区别就是：猪一直是猪，而人有时却不是人！
64. The difference between humans and pigs is that pigs are always pigs, while sometimes humans are not human!

65、老子下个学期好好学习，虐爆那些名次排在我前面的人。
65. I will study hard next semester and outperform those who rank above me.

66、题不一定要会做，但是翻卷声音一定要响。
66. It’s not necessary to know how to solve a problem, but the sound of flipping the paper must be loud.

67、情若能自控，我一定会按捺住我那颗吃货的心。
67. If I could control my emotions, I would definitely suppress my foodie heart.

68、据说这就是吃货狂吃时的状态：嘴里很享受，心里很想瘦。
68. It is said that this is the state of a foodie binge-eating: enjoying the taste in the mouth while longing to be thin in the heart.

69、对你这么好，才不是喜欢你，因为前生你可能是我的宠物猪。
69. I treat you so well, not because I like you, but because you might have been my pet pig in a previous life.

70、我妈问我怎么在卫生间那么久不洗澡，我没敢告诉她，我路过镜子时被自己迷住了。
70. My mom asked why I was in the bathroom for so long without taking a shower. I didn’t dare tell her that I was fascinated by my reflection in the mirror.

71、我喜欢你就像我喜欢海，可我也不能去跳海，我可以去上海。
71. I like you just as I like the sea, but I can’t jump into the sea, so I can go to Shanghai.

72、你总是，间歇性踌躇满志，持续性混吃等死，筹谋一天，躺尸一年。
72. You always have intermittent enthusiasm, persistently eating and waiting for death, planning for a day, and lying dead for a year.

73、亲爱的，你可得一定要相信我啊，我连坐船都头晕，更何况是脚踏两只船呢。
73. Darling, you must believe me, I get dizzy on a boat, let alone walk on two boats at the same time.

74、人们喜欢春风，厌恶寒风，其实寒风是无辜的，是温度在使坏！
74. People like the spring breeze and hate the cold wind, but the cold wind is innocent; it’s the temperature that’s causing trouble!

75、电脑是愤怒者的麦克风，深夜它传播着我们的骂声！
75. The computer is the microphone for the angry, spreading our curses in the deep night.

76、不怕路远，就怕志短，不怕缓慢，就怕常站;不怕贫穷，就怕惰懒，不怕对手悍，就怕自己颤。
76. Don’t be afraid of a long journey, but be afraid of a short will; don’t be afraid of being slow, but be afraid of always standing; don’t be afraid of poverty, but be afraid of laziness; don’t be afraid of a fierce opponent, but be afraid of trembling yourself.

77、逆风的方向，更适合飞翔。我不怕万人阻挡，只怕自己投降。
77. The direction against the wind is more suitable for flying. I’m not afraid of ten thousand people blocking me, I’m only afraid of surrendering myself.

78、你想死呢、还是你不想活拉。
78. Do you want to die, or do you not want to live anymore?

79、没有激情，爱就不会燃烧，没有友情，朋就不会满座，没有豪情，志就难于实现，没有心情，事就难于完成。
79. Without passion, love won’t burn; without friendship, friends won’t fill the room; without ambition, it’s hard to achieve goals; without mood, it’s hard to get things done.

80、大事坚持原则，小事学会变通。
80. Stick to principles in major matters and learn to be flexible in minor ones.

81、出门在外，老婆有交待，坐车莫坐第一排，菜夹不到站起来，喝酒别把胃喝坏，路边野花不要采，情人莫带屋里来。
81. When you’re out, your wife has instructions: don’t sit in the front row of the bus, stand up if you can’t reach the dishes, don’t drink too much alcohol to damage your stomach, don’t pick wildflowers by the roadside, and don’t bring lovers into the house.

82、要说别人脑子有病，脑子有病的前提是必须有个脑子。
82. To say someone has a problem with their brain, they must have a brain in the first place.

83、让女孩变成女人是作为男人最基本的责任和义务。
83. Turning a girl into a woman is the most basic responsibility and obligation of a man.

84、女人无所谓正派，正派是因为受到的引诱不够，男人无所谓忠诚，忠诚是因为背叛的筹码太低。
84. Women are not inherently virtuous; they are virtuous because they haven’t received enough temptation. Men are not inherently loyal; they are loyal because the cost of betrayal is too low.

85、你你你这个小妖精，令我中了你的爱情毒却迟迟不肯给我解药！小坏蛋！哦，我快要不行了！救救我吧！办法很简单：给我你的爱！
85. You, you, you little fairy, have poisoned me with your love, but you won’t give me the antidote! You little rascal! Oh, I can’t take it anymore! Save me! The solution is simple: give me your love!

86、感觉不到痛苦的爱情不是真正的爱情，感觉不到幸福的婚姻必是悲哀的婚姻。
86. Love without pain is not true love, and a marriage without happiness is a miserable one.

87、一美女说：第一次牵我手的人是给我看手相的那个先生。
87. A beautiful woman said: The first person who held my hand was the man who read my palm.

88、枕着打印机睡，就能打印出一整夜的梦吧？
88. Sleeping with a printer as a pillow should print out dreams all night long, right?

89、系好安全带，前方也许有场爱情正等着你。
89. Fasten your seatbelt, as there may be a love waiting for you ahead.

90、小明：“爸爸我是不是傻孩子啊？”爸爸：“傻孩子，你怎么会是傻孩子呢？”
90. Xiao Ming: “Dad, am I a silly child?” Dad: “Silly child, how could you be a silly child?”

91、人生就像一场旅行，在乎的不是目的地。而是沿途的“NB”，以及对付“NB”时的心情！
91. Life is like a journey; it’s not about the destination, but the “NB” along the way and the attitude towards dealing with “NB.”

92、站在岁月的岸边，向自己的过往打个水漂吧……
92. Standing on the shore of time, throw a stone into your past…

93、君子报仇，十年不晚，小人报仇，从早到晚。
93. A gentleman seeks revenge in ten years, while a petty person seeks revenge from morning to night.

94、天上终不会掉陷饼，它只会掉陷阱。
94. Heaven won’t drop a pie, but it will drop a trap.

95、白色加白色就是黑色，因为双重否定就是肯定。
95. White plus white equals black, because a double negative is a positive.

96、我对你的感情就像雷锋对于穷人的怜悯。
96. My feelings for you are like Lei Feng’s compassion for the poor.

97、其实人活着的时候就是一个躯壳，死了就变成一堆骨灰。
97. In fact, when people are alive, they are just a shell; when they die, they turn into a pile of ashes.

98、我对你的心，比钻石还坚硬。不会是心结石吧？
98. My heart for you is harder than a diamond. It’s not a heart stone, is it?

99、你发神经的时候，就像猪上树一样让人吃惊。
99. When you go crazy, it’s as surprising as a pig climbing a tree.

100、一般般的我，一般般的亮。一般般的你，我看不上！
100. I’m just average, and so is my brightness. You’re average too, but I can’t see it!