1、读10年语文，不如聊半年QQ。
1. Studying Chinese for 10 years is not as good as chatting on QQ for half a year.
2、你都好意思撒谎了，我哪好意思不信呐。
2. If you have the nerve to lie, how can I not have the nerve to believe you?
3、工资就像大姨妈，一个月来一次，一星期就没了。
3. Salary is like a monthly period: it comes once a month and is gone in a week.
4、你问我爱你有多深，我的回答是：淹死你！
4. You ask how deep my love for you is, my answer is: deep enough to drown you!
5、我允许你走进我的世界，但不许你在我的世界里走来走去。
5. I allow you to enter my world, but don’t walk around in it.
6、虽然你身上喷了古龙水，但我还是能隐约闻到一股人渣味儿。
6. Even though you’re wearing cologne, I can still faintly smell the scent of scum on you.
7、西游记告诉我们：凡是有后台的妖怪都被接走了，凡是没后台的都被一棒子打死了。
7. Journey to the West tells us: demons with connections are taken away, while those without are killed with one blow.
8、我多想一个不小心就和你白头偕老。
8. I wish I could accidentally grow old with you.
9、不想当厨子的裁缝，不是好司机。
9. A tailor who doesn’t want to be a chef is not a good driver.
10、春天不洗澡，处处蚊子咬。也来鬼尖叫，吓得你要跑。
10. If you don’t take a bath in spring, mosquitoes will bite you everywhere. Ghosts will scream and scare you away.
11、打是亲，骂是爱，爱到极深用脚踹。
11. Hitting is a sign of affection, scolding is a sign of love; when love is deep, use your foot to kick.
12、你让我滚，我滚了。你让我回来，对不起，滚远了。
12. You told me to leave, and I did. You told me to come back, but I’m sorry, I’ve gone too far.
13、刚毕业后会有期；毕业一年后会有妻；后来后悔有妻；再后来会有后妻；最后悔有后妻。
13. After graduation, there will be a reunion; a year after graduation, there will be a wife; later, regret having a wife; then, having a second wife; and finally, regret having a second wife.
14、老子不打你，你不知道我文武双全。
14. If I don’t hit you, you won’t know I’m well-versed in both literature and martial arts.
15、我那么喜欢你，你喜欢我一下会死啊。
15. I like you so much, will it kill you to like me back?
16、和一个人擦肩而过，衣服都擦破了，也没擦出火花。
16. Even if we brush past each other, our clothes are worn out, but no sparks are created.
17、宅，是一种很不稳定的状态。只要一停电，就会退化成山顶洞人。
17. Staying at home is a very unstable state. As soon as the power goes out, you’ll regress into a caveman.
18、我这么好一姑娘，你都不喜欢，少年莫非你喜欢男生。
18. I’m such a great girl, and you don’t like me; do you prefer boys instead?
19、哥是个传说，不要问哥是哪个单位的。
19. I’m a legend; don’t ask which organization I belong to.
20、穷玩车，富玩表，牛B加班敲电脑。
20. The poor play with cars, the rich play with watches, and the牛逼 work overtime typing on computers.
21、哥们心理素质好得，就跟没心理素质一样。
21. My buddy has such good mental quality that it seems like he has no mental quality at all.
22、现在的硕士学位，就像脚底的一粒米，不拿不舒服，拿了又不能吃。
22. Nowadays, a master’s degree is like a grain of rice on the sole of your foot: it’s uncomfortable not to pick it up, but you can’t eat it once you have.
23、我不是广场上算卦的，唠不出那么多你爱听的嗑。
23. I’m not a fortune teller in the square, so I can’t chat as much as you’d like to hear.
24、给我一张床，我可以睡到世界灭亡。
24. Give me a bed, and I can sleep until the end of the world.
25、逃得了和尚，逃不了方丈。
25. You can escape a monk, but you can’t escape the abbot.
26、说的好，说了一大堆，我没怎么听懂。
26. That’s a great speech, but I didn’t quite understand what you said.
27、心里有座坟，葬着未亡人。
27. There’s a grave in my heart, where the living are buried.
28、每天都看着不同口味的安眠药在讲台上走来走去。
28. Every day, I watch different flavors of sleeping pills walking back and forth on the podium.
29、我常在海边，却不喜欢海，而是喜欢浪。
29. I often go to the seaside, but I don’t like the sea; I like the waves.
30、饿着肚子睡觉，数羊。一只、两只、三只、四只、五串、六串……
30. Going to bed hungry and counting sheep. One, two, three, four, five skewers, six skewers…
31、“岁月磨平了我的棱角。”“明明是胖了还不承认！”
31. “Time has worn down my edges.” “You’re just fat and won’t admit it!”
32、摸摸自己的胸，嗯，我还小我是宝宝。
32. Touch my chest, yeah, I’m still young, I’m a baby.
33、旋转木马是这世上最残酷的游戏，彼此追逐，却永远隔着可悲的距离。
33. The carousel is the cruelest game in the world, where we chase each other but are always separated by a可悲 distance.
34、理想很丰满，现实却很骨感。
34. Ideals are rich, but reality is very bony.
35、每天都要和床撕逼，通常都是我输了。
35. Every day, I have to fight with my bed, and I usually lose.
36、我好像对纸过敏，每次做作业都难受。
36. I think I’m allergic to paper because I feel uncomfortable every time I do homework.
37、他不理你怎么了，别担心，还有我，我也懒得理你。
37. He ignores you, what’s the matter? Don’t worry, I’m also too lazy to pay attention to you.
38、自从放了假，每天洗脸这件事，再也跟我无关。
38. Since the holiday started, washing my face every day has nothing to do with me anymore.
39、我家电脑什么都慢，就死机快。
39. My home computer is slow at everything, except for crashing.
40、作业君，宫玲已毁，断念已残，今日你我恩断义决。
40. Homework, the palace bell has been destroyed, and the broken thoughts are already damaged. Today, our friendship is over.
41、别说你是单身狗，狗到你这个年龄已经死了。
41. Don’t say you’re a single dog, as a dog would have died by your age.
42、给点阳光我就腐烂。
42. Give me some sunshine and I’ll rot.
43、问：你喜欢我哪一点？答：我喜欢你离我远一点！
43. Q: What do you like about me? A: I like you staying away from me!
44、你快回来，我一人忽悠不来！
44. Come back soon, I can’t fool people all by myself!
45、生活就像宋祖德的嘴，你永远都不知道下一个倒霉的会是谁。
45. Life is like Song Zude’s mouth; you never know who will be the next victim.
46、跌倒了，爬起来再哭。
46. If you fall, get up and cry again.
47、生，容易。活，容易。生活，不容易。
47. To be born is easy. To live is easy. To live life is not easy.
48、年轻的时候，我们常常冲着镜子做鬼脸；年老的时候，镜子算是扯平了。
48. When we were young, we often made faces at the mirror; when we grow old, the mirror gets its revenge.
49、出问题先从自己身上找原因，别一便秘就怪地球没引力。
49. When there’s a problem, look for reasons within yourself, instead of blaming the lack of gravity on Earth just because you have constipation.
50、拍脑袋决策，拍胸脯保证，拍屁股走人。
50. Make decisions by slapping your head, make promises by thumping your chest, and leave by patting your butt.
51、不要和地球人一般见识。
51. Don’t be as petty as the people on Earth.
52、我就算是一只癞蛤蟆，我也决不娶母癞蛤蟆。
52. Even if I were a toad, I would never marry a female toad.
53、生前何必久睡，死后自会长眠……
53. There’s no need to sleep long before death, as you will sleep forever afterward…
54、所谓成长，就是在听到“波涛汹涌”四个字，再也联想不到大海了。
54. Growth is when you hear the phrase “turbulent waves” and can no longer associate it with the ocean.
55、其实我小时候并不胖，真的，一句“不许剩饭”毁了我的一生。
55. In fact, I wasn’t fat when I was a child, really. The phrase “no leftovers” ruined my life.
56、做人一定要昂首挺胸，这样别人才看不见你的双下巴。
56. To be a person, one must hold their head high and chest out, so that others won’t see your double chin.
57、单身的男的叫单身狗，单身的女的叫狗不理。
57. A single man is called a “single dog,” while a single woman is called “one that dogs ignore.”
58、您复杂的五官，掩饰不了您朴素的智商。
58. Your complicated facial features cannot conceal your simple intelligence.
59、我只是胖着玩玩，哪像你丑的那么认真！
59. I am just fat for fun, unlike you who take being ugly so seriously!
60、真正的吃货敢于直面粗壮的大腿。
60. A true foodie dares to face their thick thighs.
61、遇到他整个人都变了，脸皮两颗子弹也穿不透。
61. Meeting him changed my whole person, and even two bullets couldn’t penetrate my thick skin.
62、生前何必久睡，死后自会长眠。
62. There’s no need to sleep long before death, as you’ll sleep forever afterward.
63、我从不怀疑你是美女，我只是怀疑我的审美。
63. I never doubt that you’re beautiful; I just doubt my own taste.
64、坚强点，失败也是成功的一部分，在哪里跌倒，就在哪里讹人。
64. Be strong, failure is a part of success. Fall and rise where you fell, and deceive others there.
65、睡觉这种东西，果然还是趴在学校桌子上睡得香。
65. Sleeping is indeed more enjoyable when done趴在 school desks.
66、一个班级一个后宫，总有那么几个人在争宠。
66. In every class, there’s a harem, with a few people competing for favor.
67、我觉得我的数学成绩，很对得起我数学老师的颜值！
67. I think my math grades are worthy of my math teacher’s appearance!
68、兄台，别逼我动用在北京的势力，我本不想掀起一场腥风血雨。
68. Brother, don’t force me to use my influence in Beijing; I don’t want to cause a storm.
69、你看着我冷萌冷萌地就好，不要因为得不到我就打我。
69. Just look at me with a cold and cute expression, and don’t hit me because you can’t have me.
70、以前化成灰的人都能认得出，现在化个妆就认不出了。
70. In the past, I could recognize people even if they turned to ashes, but now I can’t recognize them with just makeup.
71、不要扶我，我没醉，前面那条路会动，帮我扶住那条路。
71. Don’t help me up, I’m not drunk. The road ahead is moving; help me hold it still.
72、什么女追男隔层纱，那简直隔的是撒哈拉大沙漠。
72. What they say about a girl chasing a guy is like隔着 a thin veil, but it’s more like 隔撒哈拉大沙漠.
73、自打我学会了顶嘴，我老婆也学会了磨刀。
73. Ever since I learned to talk back, my wife also learned how to sharpen her knife.
74、出来混，老婆迟早是要换的！
74. When you’re in the underworld, you’ll eventually have to change your wife!
75、要适当吃一点，才有力气减肥。
75. Eat a little to have the strength to lose weight.
76、征婚启事：要求如下，A活的，B女的。
76. Marriage ad: Requirements are as follows, A. Alive, B. Female.
77、老鼠一发威，大家都是病猫。
77. When a mouse gets angry, everyone becomes a sick cat.
78、我想早恋，但是已经晚了……
78. I wanted to fall in love early, but it’s already too late…
79、爱情就象鬼，相信的人多，见到的人少。
79. Love is like a ghost; many people believe in it, but few have seen it.
80、人和猪的区别就是：猪一直是猪，而人有时却不是人！
80. The difference between humans and pigs is that pigs are always pigs, while humans are sometimes not human!
81、你就像移动的磁铁，动不动将我排斥，也不忘把我吸引。
81. You’re like a moving magnet, sometimes repelling me, yet never forgetting to attract me as well.
82、我已经掌握36种藏私房钱的方式，接下来只差钱了。
82. I’ve already mastered 36 ways to hide private money; now I just need the money.
83、曾以为是那崖畔的一枝花，后来才知道，不过是人海一粒渣！
83. I once thought I was a flower on the cliff, but later I found out I was just a piece of trash in the sea of people!
84、今天起大早去上课，刚进教室，老师笑着对我说稀客呀，当时我就傻了。
84. I woke up early today to attend class, and as soon as I entered the classroom, the teacher smiled at me and said, “Rare guest!” I was stunned.
85、你们最好选择在中午秀恩爱，知道为什么吗？因为早晚会有报应。
85. You’d better show affection during the day, do you know why? Because sooner or later, there will be retribution.
86、复习的小船说翻就翻，睡觉的欲望说来就来。
86. The little boat of reviewing can capsize at any moment, and the desire to sleep comes instantly.
87、跟我要儿童节礼物，我可以给，但过几天的父亲节你们就要注意了。
87. If you ask me for a Children’s Day gift, I can give it to you, but be careful about Father’s Day in a few days.
88、我表白的方式一向简单粗暴，有时间一起睡觉。
88. My confession method has always been simple and crude: let’s sleep together sometime.
89、爱笑的女生一般运气都不会太差，一般都是成绩差。
89. Girls who love to laugh usually don’t have bad luck, but their grades are generally poor.
90、只暖一个女生的男生才叫暖男，暖所有女生的男生叫烧锅炉。
90. A guy who warms only one girl is called a warm male, while a guy who warms all girls is called a boiler burner.
91、如果你想灌倒我，长的好看的一杯倒，长的丑的豁出命去我也让你见识见识什么叫千杯不醉。
91. If you want to get me drunk, I’ll fall with just one drink if you’re good-looking. If you’re ugly, I’ll risk my life to show you what it means to be “thousands of cups and not drunk.”
92、抱着滚烫的正在充电的手机，并且把生死置之度外，这是我人生中少有的英勇时分。
92. Holding a hot, charging phone and disregarding life and death is one of the few heroic moments in my life.
93、问君能有几多愁，恰似一条秋裤人人有。
93. Ask how much sorrow one can have? It’s like everyone having a pair of long johns in autumn.
94、我也会盲打，只是别人盲打不看键盘，而我不看屏幕。
94. I can type blindfolded too, but while others don’t look at the keyboard, I don’t look at the screen.
95、我超能力还有很多，不只是超可爱。
95. I have many superpowers, not just being super cute.
96、每个抖腿的人，心里都有一台缝纫机。
96. Everyone who has a shaky leg has a sewing machine in their heart.
97、你可以不同意我的观点，但我可以打你。
97. You can disagree with my opinion, but I can hit you.
98、黑夜不会亏待晚睡的人，它会赐你黑眼圈。
98. The night won’t treat late sleepers unfairly; it will give you dark circles under your eyes.
99、远处看到了一个帅哥，走近一看原来是一面镜子。
99. I saw a handsome guy from afar, but when I got closer, I realized it was a mirror.
100、“人生最大的耻辱是什么？”“作弊了还不及格！”
100. “What is the greatest shame in life?” “Cheating and still failing!”
1、三分天注定，七分靠打拼，还有九十分在老师那里。
1. 30% is predestined, 70% depends on hard work, and the remaining 90% lies with the teacher.
2、晚上想想千条路，早上起来走原路。
2. At night, I think of a thousand paths, but when I get up in the morning, I still follow the same old one.
3、我的袜子全是洞，我的未来不是梦。
3. My socks are full of holes, but my future is not just a dream.
4、我也曾青春逼人，可惜现在青春没了，就剩这么个逼人了。
4. I used to be a youthful and aggressive person, but now my youth is gone, leaving only this aggressive attitude.
5、我对你的深情无法付诸语言，除了一句“滚一边去”。
5. My deep feelings for you cannot be expressed in words, except for one sentence: “Go away.”
6、对于姑娘来说：出来混，迟早是要怀的。
6. For girls: when you’re out in the world, sooner or later, you’ll get pregnant.
7、天涯何处无牛粪，何必单恋一坨屎。
7. There’s cow dung everywhere in the world, so why be infatuated with just one pile of shit?
8、如果有一天全世界的男人来月经了，我会去卖卫生经。
8. If one day all the men in the world start menstruating, I’ll go sell sanitary pads.
9、以后不要在我面前说英文，OK？
9. Don’t speak English in front of me anymore, OK?
10、如果男人不帮你穿上婚纱，你就送他件袈裟。
10. If a man doesn’t help you put on your wedding dress, just give him a monk’s robe.
11、我可没说你不要脸，我是说不要脸的都是你这样的。
11. I didn’t say you have no shame; I’m saying that those who have no shame are like you.
12、装逼只是瞬间，不要脸才是永恒。
12. Pretending to be cool is just a momentary thing, but having no shame is eternal.
13、有些事情无须抬杠，表面服从偷偷反抗。
13. There’s no need to argue over some things; just appear to comply while secretly resisting.
14、我喝酒是想把痛苦溺死，但这该死的痛苦却学会了游泳。
14. I drink to drown my sorrows, but the damned sorrows have learned how to swim.
15、若不弃，此生不离，若嫌弃，死一边去。
15. If you don’t abandon me, we’ll never part in this life; if you despise me, just go die.
16、上帝给了我们七情六欲，我们却把它们变成了色情和暴力。
16. God gave us seven emotions and six desires, but we turned them into pornography and violence.
17、遇到你之前，我的世界是黑白的，遇到你之后，哇塞！全黑了……
17. Before I met you, my world was in black and white; after meeting you, wow! It’s completely dark…
18、现在的社会，插队都得排队。
18. In today’s society, you even have to wait in line to cut in line.
19、三人行必有我妻，选其美者而取之。
19. When three people walk together, one of them must be my wife; I’ll choose the prettiest one.
20、穷耐克，富阿迪，流氓一身阿玛尼。
20. The poor wear Nike, the rich wear Adidas, and gangsters wear Armani.
21、苹果最光荣的一刻就是砸在了牛顿的头上。
21. The most glorious moment for an apple is when it hit Newton’s head.
22、我不需要你理解，只需要你闭嘴。
22. I don’t need you to understand, I just need you to shut up.
23、祖国的花朵，开一朵我踩一朵。
23. The flowers of the motherland, I step on one every time a new one blooms.
24、要不是老师说不能乱扔垃圾，不然我早把你扔出去了。
24. If it weren’t for the teacher saying not to litter, I would have thrown you out long ago.
25、傻与不傻，要看你会不会装傻。
25. Being foolish or not depends on whether you know how to pretend to be foolish.
26、偷吃不是我的错，是我嘴巴的寂寞。
26. It’s not my fault I sneak food; it’s my mouth’s fault for being lonely.
27、我不是优乐美，我只是敌敌畏，你想把我捧在手心么。
27. I’m not an elegant pleasure, I’m just a pesticide. Do you want to hold me in your palm?
28、老板，有没有可乐？给我拿瓶雪碧……
28. Boss, do you have any cola? Give me a bottle of Sprite…
29、我觉得地球好危险，我想火星了。
29. I think Earth is dangerous; I miss Mars.
30、哪家的名门之后啊，你爹是天蓬元帅啊！
30. Which prestigious family do you come from? Is your father Marshal Tian Peng?
31、水壶啊，你为什么哭泣，是因为屁股太烫了吗？
31. Kettle, why are you crying? Is it because your buttocks are too hot?
32、风刮的真大，把我移动的手机信号都刮成联通的啦！
32. The wind is so strong that it changed my mobile signal from Mobile to Unicom!
33、熬夜，是因为没有勇气结束这一天，赖床，是因为没有勇气开始这一天。
33. Staying up late is because I don’t have the courage to end the day; staying in bed is because I don’t have the courage to start the day.
34、我不但手气好，脚气也不错。
34. Not only am I lucky with my hands, but my feet are quite lucky too.
35、每次临时抱佛脚的时候，佛总是给我一脚。
35. Every time I try to seek Buddha’s help at the last minute, Buddha always kicks me.
36、他人笑我看不穿，我笑他人啥也不穿。
36. Others laugh at me for not seeing through things, while I laugh at them for wearing nothing.
37、人如果靠吃饭活着，那饭不叫饭，叫饲料。
37. If people live by eating, then that food is not called food, but feed.
38、昨晚我拿你的承诺去喂狗，第二天早上发现狗死了。
38. Last night, I fed your promise to the dog, and the next morning I found the dog dead.
39、每次写简历都会比以前更敬佩自己一些。
39. Every time I write a resume, I admire myself more than before.
40、你眼里的高压电，足够让我的手机用一年。
40. The high voltage in your eyes is enough to power my phone for a year.
41、别以为你长的稀有样我们就应该物以稀为贵。
41. Don’t think that just because you have a rare look, we should value you highly.
42、青春啊，你太痘了！
42. Youth, you’re so full of acne!
43、每个宿舍都有一个磨牙的，一个说梦话的，一个打呼噜的，一个睡很晚的。
43. In every dormitory, there is one who grinds teeth, one who talks in their sleep, one who snores, and one who sleeps very late.
44、师太，批上老纳的袈纱后，你就是老纳的人了。
44. After you put on my cassock, you will be mine, my lady.
45、如果说剪掉头发就是剪掉回忆，那我剪成光头是不是可以失忆？
45. If cutting off hair means cutting off memories, would cutting my hair completely make me amnesiac?
46、本想华丽的转身，不料低调的撞墙。
46. I wanted to make a gorgeous turn, but I bumped into the wall discreetly.
47、春天我把男朋友种进地里，到了秋天，我就把这茬给忘了。
47. In spring, I planted my boyfriend in the ground, and by autumn, I completely forgot about it.
48、我对着镜子说，镜子，镜子，我是不是这个世界上最美丽的，镜子碎了。
48. I said to the mirror, mirror, am I the most beautiful in the world? The mirror shattered.
49、世界上两件事最难：一是把自己的思想装进别人的脑袋，二是把别人的钱装进自己的口袋。前者成功了叫老师，后者成功了叫老板，两者都成功了可以叫老婆或大学或教堂！
49. The two hardest things in the world are: one, putting your thoughts into someone else’s mind; and two, putting other people’s money into your own pocket. The former is successful and called a teacher, the latter is successful and called a boss, and if both are successful, you can be called a wife, a university, or a church!
50、我不是那种落井下石的人，我是直接把井封了。
50. I’m not the kind of person who throws a stone into a well; I just seal the well directly.
51、百度搜不到你，只好进搜狗！
51. Baidu can’t find you, so I have to use Sogou!
52、你长得如此多娇，引无数瞎子竞折腰。
52. You are so charming that you attract countless blind men to compete.
53、不要迷恋哥，嫂子才是传说。
53. Don’t be infatuated with me, my sister-in-law is the legend.
54、又帅又车，那是象棋，有钱有房，那是银行。
54. Handsome and a car, that’s chess; money and a house, that’s a bank.
55、上帝创造了处女，我创造了妇女。
55. God created virgins, and I created women.
56、放眼过去全是货，老妹你想跟谁过。
56. Looking around, there are all kinds of guys; little sister, who do you want to be with?
57、别拿你弹视频的速度，来挑战哥拉黑的技术。
57. Don’t challenge my ability to block you with your speed of sending video messages.
58、狐狸不是妖、性感不是骚。
58. A fox is not a demon, and sexiness is not coquetry.
59、各种姿势，各种招。各种澎湃，各种飘。
59. Various poses, various moves. Various surges, various floats.
60、喊疼的不一定是处女，但勾引男人的一定是婊子。
60. The one who cries out in pain is not necessarily a virgin, but the one who seduces men is definitely a slut.
61、女人混的好、是嫂子，混不好，是婊子。
61. A woman who does well is a sister-in-law, but if she doesn’t, she’s a tramp.
62、小鸟虽小，可它玩的确是整个天空。
62. Though a little bird is small, it plays with the entire sky.
63、黄瓜必须拍，人生必须嗨。
63. Cucumbers must be smashed, and life must be lively.
64、爱情不过是寂寞时、扯把美丽的犊子。
64. Love is just a beautiful lie when one is lonely.
65、距离产生的不是美，而是第三者。
65. Distance doesn’t create beauty, but rather a third party.
66、小三的威力、一般人貌似抵挡不住。
66. The power of a mistress seems to be irresistible for ordinary people.
67、每个女人总会为某一个男人而下贱。
67. Every woman will always stoop for a certain man.
68、人生就像打电话，不是你先挂，就是我先挂！
68. Life is like making a phone call; either you hang up first or I do.
69、人不可貌相，小三不可斗量。
69. One should not judge by appearances, and a mistress should not be underestimated.
70、货有过期日，人有看腻时。你在我心里，能牛逼几时。
70. Goods have an expiration date, and people have a time when they grow tired of looking. How long can you be awesome in my heart?
71、当有人在装酷时，姐都会低下头。不是姐修养好，姐只是在找砖头。
71. When someone is acting cool, I lower my head. It’s not because I have good manners, but because I’m looking for a brick.
72、年少时的你我因为没有学好爱情这门功课而变出了错误百出的答卷。
72. In our youth, you and I made mistakes in the exam of love because we didn’t learn it well.
73、感情的傻子，不会介意爱一个疯子。
73. A fool in love doesn’t mind loving a madman.
74、如果世界上真的有像小说里一样的男主角，那世界，就真的玄幻了！
74. If there really were a male protagonist like in the novels, then the world would be truly fantastical!
75、当初我看上你，因为我脑子进水了，现在我脑子抖干了。
75. I was attracted to you because I had water on the brain; now my brain is dry.
76、你讲我坏话时能不能别添油加醋，以为炒菜啊。
76. When speaking ill of me, could you please not exaggerate, thinking you’re stir-frying?
77、没钱的时候，在家里吃野菜，有钱的时候，在酒店吃野菜。
77. When poor, one eats wild vegetables at home; when rich, one eats wild vegetables at a hotel.
78、俺从不写措字，但俺写通假字！
78. I never make typos, but I do write pseudo-characters!
79、勃起不是万能的，但不能勃起却是万万都不能的！
79. Erections are not omnipotent, but not being able to erect is absolutely impossible!
80、借朋友的车开，朋友说还的时候要给车加油。还车时，我冲车鼓了鼓掌。
80. When borrowing a friend’s car, they say to refuel it when returning it. When I returned the car, I clapped for the car.
81、给我一个女人，我可以创造一个民族，给我一瓶酒，我可以带领他们征服全世界！
81. Give me a woman, and I can create a nation; give me a bottle of wine, and I can lead them to conquer the world!
82、生下来的人没有怕死的，怕死的都没生下来，所以谁都别装横！
82. No one is born afraid of death; those who are afraid of death were never born, so don’t act tough!
83、如果考试用QB做奖励，那么国家马上就会富强的。
83. If exams used QB as rewards, the country would become prosperous immediately.
84、大哥，把你脸上的分辨率调低点好吗？
84. Big brother, could you please lower the resolution of your face?
85、天塌下来你顶着，我垫着！
85. If the sky falls, you hold it up, and I’ll cushion it!
86、“特别能吃苦”这个字，我想了想，我只做到了前四个。
86. The word “especially able to endure hardship”, I thought about it, and I only managed to do the first four.
87、初恋无限好，只是挂得早。
87. First love is infinitely beautiful, but it just doesn’t last long.
88、敬告各位家长：请不要骂自己的孩子是“小兔崽子”，因为从遗传学的角度讲，这对你们自己是非常不利的。
88. Parents, please don’t call your children “little rabbits”, because from a genetic perspective, it’s very unfavorable to you.
89、谁骂我傻B我跟谁好，我就喜欢和B交朋友。
89. Whoever calls me an idiot, I’ll be friends with them; I just like making friends with idiots.
90、世界上最远的距离不是你我天各一方，而是同窗不同房。
90. The farthest distance in the world is not between you and me, but being in the same classroom, yet in different rooms.
91、因为我掏心掏肺的去爱你，所以我只能没心没肺的放弃你。
91. Because I loved you with all my heart, I could only heartlessly give you up.
92、过去一直喜欢她的胸怀宽广，其实那也无非是一片飞机场！
92. I used to like her for her broad mind, but in fact, it was nothing more than an airport runway!
93、自从我变成了狗屎，就再也没有人踩在我头上了。
93. Ever since I became dog shit, no one has stepped on me anymore.
94、如果我的考试成绩能像房价涨得那么快，那么这个世界该有多可爱。
94. If my exam scores could rise as fast as housing prices, how lovely the world would be.
95、广告看的好好的，突然蹦出个电视剧来…郁闷…
95. I was watching an advertisement happily when suddenly a TV drama popped out… So frustrating…
96、世上最美的事，就是吃饱了睡觉有空调。
96. The most beautiful thing in the world is to eat your fill, sleep with air conditioning.
97、胸大未必嫁潘安，胸小也能钓彦祖。
97. Big breasts don’t necessarily marry Pan An, and small chests can also hook Yan Zu.
98、整天看《还珠格格》，我都有点同情容嬷嬷了。
98. Watching “My Fair Princess” all day long, I feel a bit sympathetic towards Rong Ma.
99、空山新雨后，自挂东南枝，欲穷千里目，自挂东南枝，天生我材必有用，各种自挂东南枝。
99. After the rain in the empty mountains, hang yourself from the southeast branch; to see a thousand miles, hang yourself from the southeast branch; I’m born to be useful, hang myself from the southeast branch in all kinds of ways.
100、上课可以治疗同学们的失眠。
100. Attending class can cure classmates’ insomnia.
1、姐不需要谁爱我，更不需要谁疼我，姐会狠狠疼爱自己。
1. I don’t need anyone to love me, nor do I need anyone to pamper me. I will love and pamper myself fiercely.
2、长了副猪样，就不要以为自己是人，老娘看不起你。
2. If you look like a pig, don’t think you’re a person; I despise you.
3、那些曾经泼过我冷水的人，我一定会烧开了还给你们。
3. To those who have poured cold water on me, I will definitely boil it and return it to you.
4、老师上课的质量，决定手机此月的流量。
4. The quality of the teacher’s class determines the amount of mobile data usage this month.
5、你用温柔将我所有的菱角磨平，然后用尽全力伤我到死。
5. You used your gentleness to smooth all my edges, and then tried your best to hurt me to death.
6、你就像根苦瓜，穿得这么清凉，长得这么败。
6. You are like a bitter gourd, dressed so cool, and yet looking so ugly.
7、世界上最爱我的男人，已经娶了我妈。
7. The man who loves me the most in the world has already married my mom.
8、经常会从梦中惊醒，因为做了一个饿梦，好饿好饿的梦。
8. I often wake up from my dreams because I had a hungry dream, so hungry, so hungry.
9、男人被甩，金钱问题，女人被甩，面貌问题，我被甩，你他妈脑袋有问题。
9. When men are dumped, it’s a money issue; when women are dumped, it’s a facial issue; when I’m dumped, you have a fucking problem in your head.
10、如果你活着，早晚都会死，如果你死了，你就永远活着。
10. If you’re alive, you’ll die sooner or later; if you’re dead, you’ll live forever.
11、你玩你的自定义、我玩我的格式化。
11. You play your customization, and I’ll play my formatting.
12、小姐，对不起，我长得不帅。但不是每个女人都有机会。
12. Miss, I’m sorry, I’m not handsome. But not every woman has the opportunity.
13、不是哥迷恋传说，只是传说太美。
13. It’s not that I’m infatuated with legends; it’s just that the legends are too beautiful.
14、哥只不过是个局，而你却入了迷。
14. I’m just a game, and you’ve fallen into the trap.
15、走不进的世界就不要硬挤了，难为了别人，作贱了自己，何必呢？
15. If you can’t enter a world, don’t force your way in. It’s difficult for others and degrades yourself. Why bother?
16、求晴天，求高温，求四十度求，暴晒求，没风，我们苦点没关系，一定要让高一的学弟学妹们，有个良好的军训环境。
16. Praying for sunny days, high temperatures, 40 degrees Celsius, scorching heat, no wind; we can endure the hardship, but we must provide a good military training environment for the freshmen.
17、宁愿在雨天里淋雨军训，也不接受太阳公公的礼物。
17. I’d rather be in military training in the rain than accept the gift of the sun.
18、你既然这么轻易地被种在我的心里，那么，就别想轻易逃脱出去！
18. Since you’ve been so easily planted in my heart, don’t even think about escaping easily!
19、如果你讨厌我，我一点也不介意，我活着不是为了取悦你。
19. If you hate me, I don’t mind at all; I’m not living to please you.
20、军训的高中生在哪里？
20. Where are the high school students in military training?
21、看过水浒传吗？唐僧师徒四人被贾宝玉逼上梁山的故事。
21. Have you ever read Water Margin? The story of Tang Seng and his three disciples being forced onto Liangshan by Jia Baoyu.
22、不要说别人脑子有病，脑子有病的前提是必须有个脑子。
22. Don’t say others are mentally ill; the prerequisite for being mentally ill is having a brain.
23、不蒸馒头争口气行吗?
23. Can we not steam buns and just fight for dignity?
24、不要乐观的像个屁一样，自以为能惊天动地。
24. Don’t be overly optimistic like a fart, thinking it can shake the heavens and earth.
25、步步高打火机，哪里不会点哪里。
25. Step-by-step Gao打火机, point where you don’t know.
26、男人不能惯，越惯越混蛋。女人就得宠，越宠越有种，还是别人的。
26. Men shouldn’t be spoiled, the more you spoil them, the more they become jerks. Women should be pampered, the more you pamper them, the more they have character, but they still belong to others.
27、穿的一个比一个危险，长得一个比一个安全
27. They dress more dangerously than each other, but look safer than each other.
28、春色满园关不住，我诱红杏出墙来。
28. The spring scenery in the garden cannot be contained; I lure the red apricot out of the wall.
29、到处都有痛苦，而比痛苦更为持久且尖利伤人的是，到处都有抱有期望的等待。
29. Pain is everywhere, but what is more enduring and sharp than pain is the expectation-filled waiting that is everywhere.
30、和你擦肩而过你却不知道是我，因为我把头扭过去了。
30. We brushed past each other, but you didn’t know it was me because I turned my head away.
31、即使有人骂我神经病，我也会坚强的抬起头蔑视的对他说“你难道和我一个医院的?
31. Even if someone calls me a mental case, I will raise my head strongly and despise them, saying, “Are you from the same hospital as me?”
32、戒烟容易，戒你太难!
32. Quitting smoking is easy, but quitting you is too hard!
33、考试时，本想要咸鱼翻锅的，他奶奶的，没想到粘锅了。
33. During the exam, I wanted to turn the咸鱼(saltwater fish) over, but it stuck to the pan.
34、每次看到情侣，我就会唱那首歌，”分手快乐，祝你快乐”。
34. Every time I see a couple, I sing that song, “Happy breakup, wish you happiness.”
35、老人不能打小孩，不能打女人，不能打男人往死里打。
35. The elderly should not hit children, women, or men, but they can beat men to death.
36、如果领导下个月再不给我加薪，我就辞职，辞职前再给他送两条中华，抽死他。
36. If the leader doesn’t give me a raise next month, I will resign and send him two packs of Zhonghua cigarettes before leaving, to choke him.
37、我娘说浪子回头金不换，谁给我金子？我换。
37. My mother said that a prodigal son who returns is more valuable than gold, but who will give me the gold? I’ll trade.
38、爷爷都是从孙子走过来的……
38. Grandfathers were once grandsons…
39、你说你是我朋友，其实我知道，动物的确是人类的朋友。
39. You say you are my friend, but I know that animals are indeed friends of humans.
40、喜欢我的人都是好人。不喜欢我的人都是坏人。讨厌我的都不是人。
40. Those who like me are good people. Those who don’t like me are bad people. Those who hate me are not even human.
41、说谎是男人的特权，被骗是女人的专利…
41. Lying is a man’s privilege, and being deceived is a woman’s patent…
42、别说小三骚，谁让他一勾搭就上套。
42. Don’t say the mistress is flirtatious; it’s because he falls for her tricks so easily.
43、白驼山壮骨粉，挨一刀涂一包，包你想挨第二刀…
43. Baitu Mountain Strong Bone Powder, apply one bag after a cut, and you’ll want a second cut…
44、你现在过得好吗？如果你过得不好我也就安心了。
44. How are you doing now? If you’re not doing well, I’ll feel relieved.
45、新时代的女性，上的了厅堂，翻的了围墙，斗的了小三，打的了流氓，就是下不了厨房。
45. Modern women can handle the living room, climb over walls, fight mistresses, and beat up hooligans, but they just can’t step into the kitchen.
46、谁他二大爷的告诉我诺基亚能砸核桃，现在黑屏了。
46. Who the hell told me that Nokia phones can crack walnuts? Now the screen is black.
47、人生苦短，必须性感。
47. Life is short, so be sexy.
48、虽然你身上喷了古龙水，但我还是能隐约闻到一股人渣味儿。
48. Although you’re wearing cologne, I can still faintly smell the scent of a scumbag.
49、别跟我说你不差钱，既然如此，来来，你往外丢，我接着。
49. Don’t tell me you don’t care about money. If that’s the case, throw it out, and I’ll catch it.
50、天若有情天亦老，抢我对象死的早。
50. If heaven has feelings, it will age; whoever steals my partner will die young.
51、游戏和女友最大的区别就是，一个要下副本一个要下血本！
51. The biggest difference between a game and a girlfriend is that one requires downloading a dungeon, and the other requires investing blood money!
52、做清淡欢颜的女子，写高贵的情书给自己。
52. Be a gentle and joyful woman, and write noble love letters to yourself.
53、这个世界，没有那么多单纯的如果，不爱就是不爱了。
53. In this world, there are not so many simple “what ifs.” If someone doesn’t love you, they just don’t.
54、我这人没啥优点，就是受表扬能力特强！
54. I don’t have many advantages, but I’m particularly good at accepting praise!
55、以为自己长得漂亮又怎样，老娘不屑，最终还不是当别人情妇。
55. What’s the big deal about being pretty? I despise it. In the end, you still become someone’s mistress.
56、趁我还爱你，你可不可以不要错过我？
56. While I still love you, can you not miss me?
57、你那副正经的样子，貌似真的听懂人话呐！
57. You look so serious, as if you really understand human language!
58、我跟伍佰不熟，他弟弟二百五跟我很熟。
58. I’m not familiar with Wu Bai, but I’m very close to his younger brother, Er Bai Wu.
59、我建议大家对我的长相，理解为主，欣赏为辅。
59. I suggest everyone should focus on understanding my appearance and take appreciation as a secondary aspect.
60、结束友情的方式有许多种，最彻底的一种是借钱不还。
60. There are many ways to end a friendship, and the most thorough one is to borrow money and not pay it back.
61、暗恋就是没有配高射炮的雷达，默默地锁定了敌机。
61. Secret love is like radar without anti-aircraft guns, silently locking onto enemy planes.
62、在猪圈里，你不必讲究人类的礼仪。
62. In a pigsty, you don’t need to follow human etiquette.
63、不求门当户对，只求感觉到位。
63. Not seeking a perfect match, just seeking the right feeling.
64、土是用来挖的，坑是用来埋你的。
64. Dirt is for digging, and holes are for burying you.
65、永远都不要跟同一个傻子争辩，因为争辩到最后，会分不清谁是傻子。
65. Never argue with the same fool, because in the end, you won’t be able to tell who the fool is.
66、谁的旧爱不是别人的新欢，谁的新欢不是别人的旧爱。
66. Whose old love isn’t someone else’s new favorite, and whose new favorite isn’t someone else’s old love.
67、谁要是再敢惹我，我就趁清明之前把他埋了。
67. If anyone dares to provoke me again, I’ll bury them before Qingming Festival.
68、不管谁泼我们冷水，我们都要有骨气的变成开水泼回去。
68. No matter who throws cold water on us, we must have the courage to turn into boiling water and throw it back.
69、有棱有角的害处是，别人啃起你来十分方便。
69. The disadvantage of having edges and corners is that it’s very convenient for others to bite you.
70、我很奇怪为什么空间动态越来越少了，想了很久才明白过来，原来前些天疯刷动态的行星饭去军训了。
70. I was wondering why there were fewer and fewer dynamic updates in the space, and after thinking for a while, I realized that the planet fans who had been crazy about updating动态 a few days ago had gone to military training.
71、为了自己的梦想，去拼搏，去奋斗！天上飘来个字，军训不是事！
71. For your own dreams, strive and fight! Words floating in the sky: military training is not a big deal!
72、军训的时候旁边班教官纠正一女生的军姿“手夹紧！抬头挺胸！挺胸！胸呢胸呢！那女生的表情有多悲愤你想一下。
72. During military training, the instructor from the neighboring class corrected a girl’s posture: “Hold your hands tightly! Raise your head and chest! Chest! Where’s the chest?” You can imagine how indignant the girl’s expression was.
73、我终于明白军训为什么要前后左右的转身了，这样才能晒得更均匀。
73. I finally understand why military training requires turning around in all directions, so as to get sunburned more evenly.
74、学校给晒太阳取了个很好听的名字叫做军训。
74. The school gave sunbathing a very pleasant name: military training.
75、军训前一定要拍照现在的模样，因为军训后肯定你认不出自己。
75. Be sure to take a photo of your current appearance before military training, because you won’t recognize yourself after it’s over.
76、经过军训，我成功晋级成黑蛋。
76. After military training, I successfully advanced to being a “black egg.”
77、军训是我们每个人经历过的过程，军训是多少个男神变成屌丝。
77. Military training is a process everyone has experienced, and it’s how many male gods turn into losers.
78、又有一大批“包青天”准备进入中学的大门。
78. A large number of “Bao Qingtian” are preparing to enter the middle school gate.
79、爷不是你的小浣熊，玩不出你的其乐无穷。
79. I’m not your little raccoon, and I can’t play endless fun for you.
80、每个人都是囚犯，电话号码就是编号。
80. Everyone is a prisoner, and phone numbers are their numbers.
81、如果命运抓住了伱的喉咙，伱就挠命运嘚胳肢窝。
81. If fate grabs you by the throat, you just tickle its armpits.
82、我的未来不是梦，我的未来是做恶梦！
82. My future is not a dream, my future is a nightmare!
83、我觉得你真的不是个合格的朋友，你还是改行做我老婆吧！
83. I think you’re really not a qualified friend; you should change your career and become my wife!
84、哥脸上的那绝对不是痘，那叫青春。
84. What’s on my face is not acne; it’s called youth.
85、如果你在大街上大吼一声”贱人“绝对比叫一句美女回头率来的高!
85. If you shout “bitch” on the street, the turning head rate will definitely be higher than calling a beauty!
86、现在的花心，是因为当初的比任何人都用心。
86. The current flirtatiousness is because I was more dedicated than anyone else at first.
87、有一种态度叫有情犯贱，有一种状态叫没事找抽。
87. There is an attitude called loving humiliation, and there is a state called asking for trouble.
88、神州行我看行，我不缴费看你行不行。
88. China Mobile, I think it works; let’s see if it works without me paying the bill.
89、我觉得打电话挺好的，这样说的每句话都是值钱的。
89. I think making phone calls is great because every word spoken is valuable.
90、其实我很宅，只是宅在谁家里的问题。
90. In fact, I’m quite a homebody; it’s just a matter of whose house I’m staying in.
91、你到挺有个性，个不高性格还那么不好。
91. You do have a unique personality, but you’re not tall and have a bad temper.
92、没心没肺，能活百岁，问心无愧，做人不累。
92. Carefree and untroubled can live to a hundred years old; with a clear conscience, life is not tiring.
93、真怀念小时候啊，天热的时候我也可以像男人一样光膀子！
93. I really miss when I was a child, when it was hot, I could also bare my chest like a man!
94、我看你就一专业织网的，而且专捕企鹅。
94. I think you’re a professional web weaver, and you specialize in catching penguins.
95、你别总日啊日的，你家老母狗都快怀孕了。
95. Don’t keep saying “fuck” all the time; your mother dog is almost pregnant.
96、虽然我不能菩度众生，但我可以祸害苍生。
96. Although I can’t help all living beings, I can bring disaster to all creatures.
97、勇于认错，坚决不改。
97. Be brave to admit mistakes, but never change.
98、瘦不了的永远在骚动，吃不胖的都有恃无恐。
98. Those who can’t lose weight are always restless, while those who can’t gain weight are fearless.
99、穿别人的鞋，走自己的路，让他们找去吧。
99. Wear other people’s shoes and walk your own path, let them search for you.
100、不要乐观的像个屁一样，自以为能惊天动地。
100. Don’t be optimistic like a fart, thinking you can shake the world.
1、不当家不知柴米贵，不拍照不知自己肥。
1. You don’t know the value of money until you manage a household, and you don’t realize you’re fat until you take a photo.
2、韩国的后裔是用来撩妹的，中国的后羿是用来射太阳的。
2. Descendants from South Korea are for flirting with girls, while Hou Yi from China is for shooting the sun.
3、你认真起来的那一瞬间，真有点像路边贴膜的。
3. The moment you become serious, you really look like someone applying phone screen protectors on the street.
4、在女孩子花一样的年纪里，你长成了一棵多肉植物。
4. In the age when girls bloom like flowers, you’ve grown into a succulent plant.
5、空有一身撩妹的本事，可惜自己也是个妹。
5. You have all the skills to flirt with girls, but unfortunately, you’re a girl yourself.
6、我发誓再到网上买东西就剁手，现在我正在网上看假肢。
6. I swear I’ll cut off my hand if I buy anything online again; now I’m browsing for prosthetic hands online.
7、当我在大街上摔倒周围人对我笑时，爬起来再摔几次，笑死他们。
7. When I fell on the street and people laughed at me, I got up and fell again several times to make them laugh to death.
8、我以前也是一个瘦子，直到一句话改变了我。你吃啊，吃啊，你又不胖。我就误认为自己真的不胖。
8. I used to be thin until a sentence changed me. “Eat, eat, you’re not fat.” I mistakenly thought I really wasn’t fat.
9、春困，夏倦，秋乏，冬眠，四季如梦叫我怎能认真听讲。
9. Spring drowsiness, summer fatigue, autumn weariness, and winter hibernation; how can I pay attention in class when all四季 are like a dream?
10、但凡是美味的食物，都在对我撒媚眼，忍不住要宠幸。
10. All delicious foods seem to be flirting with me, and I can’t resist宠幸 them.
11、待我长发及腰，遮住一身肥膘，纵然虎背熊腰，也要高冷傲娇。
11. When my long hair reaches my waist, covering my fat body, even with a bear-like back, I’ll still be aloof and proud.
12、考试你真坏！伤了我的心不说，还伤我爸妈的心。
12. Exams, you’re so mean! You not only hurt my heart but also my parents’ hearts.
13、过年最虚伪的一句话是：嗨，来就来嘛，带什么东西！
13. The most hypocritical sentence during the New Year is: “Hi, come on in, what did you bring?”
14、我这么穷，为什么还会发胖呢，不知道这肉咋长的，这个问题困扰了我好多年。
14. I’m so poor, why do I still gain weight? I don’t know how this fat grows, and this question has troubled me for many years.
15、每个人都不是吃素的，吃素都是装出来的。
15. Everyone is not a vegetarian; being a vegetarian is all pretense.
16、故意不讨人喜欢，也是一种虚伪，而且程度不小。
16. Deliberately being unlikable is also a form of hypocrisy, and to a considerable extent.
17、我的腰闪了，惹祸的不是青春，而是压力。
17. My waist is sprained, but the culprit is not youth, but pressure.
18、让人想念而死，是谋杀的至高境界，就连法医也鉴定不出死因。
18. Making someone die from missing you is the ultimate form of murder; even a forensic doctor can’t determine the cause of death.
19、即使路上没有花朵，我仍可以欣赏荒芜。
19. Even if there are no flowers on the road, I can still appreciate the desolation.
20、通往成功的路，总是在施工中！
20. The road to success is always under construction!
21、有你我废寝忘食，没有你我茶饭不思，有你心有所系，没有你患得患失，有你我全心全意，没有你无所事事，可恶的游戏。
21. With you, I can’t sleep or eat; without you, I can’t even drink tea or eat rice. With you, my heart is at peace; without you, I’m constantly worried. With you, I give my all; without you, I’m aimless. That damn game.
22、穿别人的鞋，走自己的路，让他们找去吧。
22. Wear other people’s shoes and walk your own path, let them search for you.
23、中华儿女千千万，这个不行咱就换。
23. There are thousands of Chinese sons and daughters; if this one doesn’t work, we’ll just change to another.
24、鸵鸟的幸福，只是一堆沙子。
24. The happiness of an ostrich is just a pile of sand.
25、我以为我很颓废，今天我才知道，原来我早报废了。
25. I thought I was decadent, but today I realized that I’ve been obsolete for a long time.
26、西游记告诉我们：凡是有后台的妖怪都被接走了，凡是没后台的都被一棒子打死了。
26. Journey to the West tells us: demons with connections are taken away, while those without connections are killed with a single blow.
27、女子无才便是德，我一定是太缺德了。
27. A woman without talent is virtuous; I must be extremely lacking in virtue.
28、思念不能自已，痛苦不能自理，结果不能自取，幸福不能自予。
28. Missing you is beyond my control, suffering is beyond my ability to manage, the outcome is beyond my reach, and happiness is beyond my power to give.
29、我以神的姿态，闪耀在这美的瞬间，凡人勿扰。
29. I shine in this beautiful moment with a divine aura; do not disturb me, mortals.
30、横溢的不只是才华，还有腰间的脂肪。
30. What overflows is not only talent but also the fat around my waist.
31、老娘法眼一开就知道你是个妖孽了。
31. As soon as my divine eyes open, I know you’re a demon.
32、琴棋书画不会，洗衣做饭嫌累。
32. I can’t play music, chess, calligraphy, or painting, and I find washing clothes and cooking tiring.
33、手拿菜刀砍电线，一路火花带闪电。
33. Holding a kitchen knife to chop the electric wire, creating sparks and lightning all the way.
34、学佛是对自己的良心交待，不是做给别人看的。
34. Learning Buddhism is a matter of being true to one’s conscience, not for showing off to others.
35、成人不自在，自在不成人。
35. Adults are not at ease, and those who are at ease are not adults.
36、我都不泡你了，你又何苦泡我。
36. I’m not even chasing you, so why bother pursuing me?
37、每一个学渣上辈子都是折翼的小天使。
37. Every student who fails in school was a fallen angel in their previous life.
38、秋天来了，请使劲儿矫情。
38. Autumn is here, please be melodramatic.
39、我委屈。你为什么不让我送便当。
39. I’m wronged. Why don’t you let me deliver lunch for you?
40、生活就像忐忑，没有准确的歌词，却惊心动魄。
40. Life is like a忐忑 song, with no accurate lyrics, yet it’s thrilling.
41、还是10086对我好，我给他发一条对短信，他给我回3条。
41. 10086 is still better to me; I send them one text message, and they reply with three.
42、世界上最没用的东西就是工资条，看了生气，擦屁股太细。
42. The most useless thing in the world is the pay slip, which makes you angry when you look at it and is too thin to wipe your butt.
43、我的心不是公交车，不是有空位你就坐下来。
43. My heart is not a bus, where you can sit down whenever there’s an empty seat.
44、两人若在长久时，大眼瞪小眼也是浪漫事。
44. If two people spend a long time together, even staring into each other’s eyes can be a romantic thing.
45、黄瓜在于拍，人生在于嗨。
45. The essence of cucumber lies in its slapping, and the essence of life lies in its excitement.
46、总觉得，床吧，铺得太整齐，会有点安度晚年的意思。嗯，还是凌乱些，比较有朝气。
46. I always feel that if a bed is made too neatly, it gives off a vibe of settling into old age. Hmm, it’s better to be a bit messy, which is more spirited.
47、姐不是广场上算卦的，唠不出那么多你爱听的嗑。
47. I’m not a fortune teller in the square, and I can’t chatter out so many things you like to hear.
48、如果朋友可以出卖，每个值五块的话，我也能发笔小财了。
48. If friends could be sold, and each was worth five bucks, I could make a small fortune too.
49、走投无路还走什么走，直接坐车啊。
49. When you’re out of options, why walk? Just take a car instead.
50、踏遍青楼人未老，请用汇仁肾宝。
50. Roaming through all the brothels, yet never growing old; use Huiren Kidney Treasure.
51、如果我死了，我的第一句话是：老子终于不用怕鬼了。
51. If I die, my first words will be: I’m finally not afraid of ghosts anymore.
52、有事直接奔主题，不要拿你的无知，挑战我的黑名单。
52. Get straight to the point, don’t challenge my blacklist with your ignorance.
53、听君一席话，省我十本书！
53. Listening to your words saves me the effort of reading ten books!
54、生活就像宋祖德的嘴，你永远都不知道下一个倒霉的会是谁。
54. Life is like Song Zude’s mouth; you never know who will be the next victim.
55、学校的智能是：你想干嘛就不让你干嘛。
55. The school’s intelligence is: they won’t let you do what you want to do.
56、一个人快活，两个人生活，三个人就是你死我活。
56. One person is happy, two people live together, three people means a life-or-death struggle.
57、淡定是因为你不怕死，我比你淡定是因为我不怕你死。
57. Calmness is because you are not afraid of death; I am calmer than you because I am not afraid of your death.
58、最有魅力的人是康师傅，每天都有成千上万的人泡他。
58. The most charming person is Master Kang, as thousands of people “soak” him every day.
59、人生自古谁无死，早死晚死都得死。
59. Since ancient times, who has not faced death? It’s inevitable whether it comes early or late.
60、跌倒了站起来，换个好看的姿势再倒下去。
60. If you fall, stand up and find a more attractive posture to fall again.
61、老师说过：世上没有后悔药，只有老鼠药。
61. The teacher said: There is no regret medicine in the world, only rat poison.
62、骗子多了、傻子都明显不够用了。
62. With so many liars, fools are obviously not enough.
63、别看姐不美，姐照样把你耍的找不着北。
63. Don’t look at my appearance, I can still play tricks on you and make you lose your way.
64、别人笑我太疯癫，我笑别人斗鸡眼。
64. Others laugh at me for being crazy, but I laugh at them for having crossed eyes.
65、姐不是电视机，不要老是盯着姐看。
65. I’m not a TV, don’t stare at me all the time.
66、谁家闺女借我用用，明年还你一大一小。
66. Whose daughter can I borrow for a while? I’ll return one big and one small next year.
67、我不是骨头，不能让每条狗都追着跑。
67. I’m not a bone; I can’t let every dog chase after me.
68、不要对我放电，因为我这里有来电显示。
68. Don’t send me electric shocks because I have a call display here.
69、问君能有几多愁，恰似一扎雪花啤酒。
69. How much sorrow can one have? It’s just like a bunch of snowflake beer.
70、有的人，做面膜的时候，比真人好看多了。
70. Some people look much better when wearing a facial mask than in real life.
71、药不医假病，酒不解真愁。
71. Medicine can’t cure fake illnesses, and alcohol can’t solve true sorrows.
72、人生就像一次旅行，指不定会在哪翻车。
72. Life is like a journey; you never know where you might have an accident.
73、宁可胖的精致，，也不要瘦的雷同。
73. I’d rather be a well-crafted fat person than a skinny one who looks the same as others.
74、我要瘦成一道闪电，照亮所有猥琐的死胖子。
74. I want to become a lightning-thin figure, illuminating all the creepy, fat dead people.
75、每次临时抱佛脚的时候。佛总是给我一脚。
75. Every time I seek help from Buddha at the last minute, he always kicks me.
76、观摩了你的生活，我终于找到了活下去的勇气。
76. After observing your life, I finally found the courage to keep living.
77、时间过的真快，刚起床就天黑了。
77. Time flies so fast; it’s already dark as soon as I get up.
78、化学老师问，煤气泄露要怎么办？别慌，点根儿烟，冷静一下。
78. The chemistry teacher asked, what should you do in case of a gas leak? Don’t panic, light a cigarette and calm down.
79、说好了不要让我流泪，可你TM的拿洋葱熏我。
79. You promised not to make me cry, but you’re actually using onions to make my eyes watery.
80、人生自古谁不死，下个就要轮到你。
80. Since ancient times, who hasn’t died? You might be next.
81、吃什么鱿鱼丝、墨鱼丝的，给我上点美人鱼丝。
81. I’ll have some mermaid strips instead of squid or cuttlefish strips.
82、我左手拿叉右手拿刀，把生活慢慢享用。
82. With my left hand holding a fork and my right hand holding a knife, I slowly savor life.
83、别觉得你被世界抛弃了，世界根本就没空搭理你。
83. Don’t think you’ve been abandoned by the world; the world is too busy to pay attention to you.
84、人品就这么点，省着点儿花，挥霍是可耻的。
84. You have limited character points; spend them wisely, as squandering them is shameful.
85、你你你你你，再逼我，我就喂你喝三鹿。
85. If you push me any further, I’ll make you drink Sanlu milk.
86、别用你的肺说话，说出来的都是废话。
86. Don’t speak with your lungs, as your words are nothing but nonsense.
87、女人的皱纹叫苍老，男人的皱纹叫沧桑。
87. A woman’s wrinkles are called aging, while a man’s wrinkles are called vicissitudes.
88、此情可待成追忆，只是当时情况比较复杂。
88. This sentiment can be cherished as a memory, only the circumstances at the time were more complicated.
89、我最大的梦想：能够活着进天堂。
89. My biggest dream: to enter heaven alive.
90、只想优美转身，不料华丽撞墙。
90. I just wanted to turn around gracefully, but I ended up crashing into a wall.
91、做自己想做的事，别的，就让猪乱说去吧。
91. Do what you want to do, and let others gossip as they please.
92、别跟我谈什么不离不弃，姐已经戒了。
92. Don’t talk to me about never leaving or forsaking, I’ve already quit that.
93、再发嗲，也改变不了你奔三的年龄和样貌。
93. No matter how cute you act, it won’t change your age and appearance as you approach thirty.
94、思想品德不及格，总比没思想好。
94. Failing in moral character is better than having no thoughts at all.
95、人生的两大悲剧：一是万念俱灰，一是踌躇满志。
95. The two great tragedies of life: one is despair, the other is overconfidence.
96、黑夜给了我黑色的鼠标，我却用它游戏到天明。
96. The night gave me a black mouse, yet I used it to play games until dawn.
97、将错就错，或者将计就计了，反正将就了。
97. Go along with the mistake, or turn the tables, either way, just make do.
98、你走你的过街天桥，我过我的地下通道。
98. You go your way over the pedestrian overpass, and I’ll take my underground passage.
99、如果不能美得惊人，那就丑得勾魂吧！
99. If you can’t be stunningly beautiful, then be captivatingly ugly!
100、你若使用美人儿计，我就将计就计。
100. If you use the beauty tactic, I’ll play along with your plan.
1、能用钱解决的问题都不是问题，可问题是我是穷人。
1. Problems that can be solved with money are not problems, but the problem is that I am poor.
2、鸡的反抗是让自己的肉变得不好吃。
2. A chicken’s rebellion is to make its meat taste bad.
3、我最大的本事就是把便宜的东西用出昂贵的效果来。比如相机，话筒，自己。
3. My greatest skill is to use cheap things with an expensive effect. For example, cameras, microphones, and myself.
4、听君一席话，自挂东南枝。
4. After listening to your words, I want to hang myself from the southeast branch.
5、曾经相信能把日子过成段子，如今只盼别把日子变成案子。
5. I used to believe that I could turn life into a joke, but now I just hope not to turn it into a case.
6、任何一条消息在经过官方否认之前都不能相信。
6. You cannot believe any news until it is officially denied.
7、“如果你老婆和你情人同时掉进水里，请问你是再找一个丰满型的还是娇小型的?”“还找不会游泳的。”
7. “If your wife and your lover fall into the water at the same time, would you find another voluptuous or petite one?” “I’ll find one that can’t swim.”
8、本人口儿重，拟禁绝可乐，改喝急支糖浆。
8. I have a heavy taste, so I plan to stop drinking cola and switch to cough syrup.
9、你没事儿老梦我干吗，我忙你不知道吗?
9. Why do you keep dreaming about me when I’m busy? Don’t you know I’m busy?
10、别对我用美男计，否则我将计就计。
10. Don’t use the handsome man trick on me, or I’ll play along.
11、算命先生说我会在八十岁的时候遇到一生中就重要的女人，她叫孟婆。
11. The fortune teller said I would meet the most important woman in my life when I’m 80 years old, and her name is Meng Po.
12、每次看你吃猪肉的时候我都感慨万分，本是同根生相煎何太急。
12. Every time I see you eating pork, I feel deeply moved. We come from the same root, why are we in such a hurry to cook each other?
13、我恨秦始皇，他烧书，竟然没有烧完。
13. I hate Emperor Qin Shi Huang. He burned books but didn’t finish the job.
14、“警察叔叔，我的包丢了”“放心吧，包在我身上”“那你还我！”
14. “Police officer, my bag is lost.” “Don’t worry, I’ve got it on me.” “Then give it back to me!”
15、有旳人活着，他已经死了。有的人活着，他早该死了。
15. Some people are alive, but they are already dead. Some people are alive, but they should have been dead long ago.
16、我今天心情不好，只想讲四句话，包括前两句，我的话讲完了。
16. I’m in a bad mood today, and I only want to say four sentences, including the first two. My words are finished.
17、路上看见一对情侣亲热。于是我跑过去，对那个男孩纸说：哥哥，今天的这个姐姐没有昨天的那个漂亮……
17. I saw a couple being intimate on the road. So I ran over and said to the boy, “Brother, today’s sister is not as pretty as yesterday’s…”
18、肉啊肉，有本事别冲腿来、冲胸来！
18. Meat, meat, if you dare, don’t come at my legs, come at my chest!
19、时间就像是乳沟，挤一挤，总还是会有的！
19. Time is like a cleavage; if you squeeze it, there will always be some!
20、下辈子我要当男人，娶一个像我这么好的女人。
20. In my next life, I want to be a man and marry a woman as good as myself.
21、“你在干啥”“我在照镜子，”“那你闭着眼睛干啥”“我在看我睡觉的样子”。
21. “What are you doing?” “I’m looking in the mirror.” “Then why are your eyes closed?” “I’m trying to see what I look like when I’m sleeping.”
22、“你的拿手好菜是什么，”“我烧的白开水还不错”。
22. “What’s your signature dish?” “My boiled water is pretty good.”
23、“从小到大，有没有一个人想起来让你心里又甜又酸的？”“有啊，我家门口卖糖葫芦那个大叔。”
23. “Is there someone who brings both sweetness and sourness to your heart when you think of them from childhood?” “Yes, the uncle who sells candied hawthorns near my house.”
24、“我胸小你介意吗”“不介意，我喜欢青梅竹马的感觉”“什么意思”“从小玩到大”。
24. “Do you mind if I have small breasts?” “No, I like the feeling of childhood sweethearts.” “What do you mean?” “Growing up together.”
25、男女调情的时候，诞生了最具特色的汉字：凹凸。
25. When men and women flirt, the most characteristic Chinese character is born: “concave and convex.”
26、早知道他不是好东西，就是忘了说了。
26. I knew he was no good, I just forgot to say it.
27、让暴风雨来得更猛烈些吧，反正我是卖伞的！
27. Let the storm come even stronger, I’m selling umbrellas anyway!
28、你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
28. You’d better let me kneel on the washboard; I can’t stand kneeling on the electric heater!
29、我想把我的一生浓缩成一句笑话。
29. I want to condense my whole life into a joke.
30、如果跟导师讲不清楚，那么就把他搞胡涂吧！
30. If you can’t explain it to your mentor, just confuse him!
31、你不是黄蓉，你只是蝗虫，你为嘛要靖哥哥？你真不要脸。
31. You’re not Huang Rong, you’re just a locust. Why do you want Jing Ge? You’re really shameless.
32、这么不要脸，这么没心没肺，你的体重应该会很轻吧？
32. So shameless and heartless, you must be very light, right?
33、女人装比那叫资本，男人装比那叫变态。
33. Women showing off is called capital, while men showing off is called perversion.
34、人生就像大便，一旦冲走了，就不会再回来。
34. Life is like feces; once it’s flushed away, it won’t come back.
35、人长得漂亮不如活得漂亮！
35. It’s better to live beautifully than to be beautiful.
36、前途是光明的、道路是没有的。
36. The future is bright, but there is no road.
37、不想当神父的道士不是好和尚。
37. A Taoist who doesn’t want to be a priest is not a good monk.
38、不是人人都能活的低调，可以低调的基础是随时都能高调。
38. Not everyone can live a low-profile life; the basis for being low-key is the ability to be high-profile at any time.
39、不怕路远，就怕志短，不怕缓慢，就怕常站;不怕贫穷，就怕惰懒，不怕对手悍，就怕自己颤。
39. Don’t be afraid of a long journey, but be afraid of short ambition; don’t be afraid of slow progress, but be afraid of always standing still; don’t be afraid of poverty, but be afraid of laziness; don’t be afraid of fierce opponents, but be afraid of trembling yourself.
40、让女孩变成女人是作为男人最基本的责任和义务。
40. Turning a girl into a woman is the most basic responsibility and obligation of a man.
41、女人无所谓正派，正派是因为受到的引诱不够，男人无所谓忠诚，忠诚是因为背叛的筹码太低。
41. Women are not inherently virtuous; they are just not tempted enough. Men are not inherently loyal; they just don’t have enough筹码 to betray.
42、你你你这个小妖精，令我中了你的爱情毒却迟迟不肯给我解药！小坏蛋！哦，我快要不行了！救救我吧！办法很简单：给我你的爱！
42. You little demoness, you’ve made me fall in love with you, but you won’t give me the antidote! You little rascal! Oh, I can’t take it anymore! Save me! The solution is simple: give me your love!
43、感觉不到痛苦的爱情不是真正的爱情，感觉不到幸福的婚姻必是悲哀的婚姻。
43. Love without pain is not true love; a marriage without happiness must be a sad one.
44、师太，你就从了老衲吧！…很久很久以后…师太，你就饶了老衲吧！
44. Master, just give in to me! …A long time later… Master, please spare me!
45、男：山外青山楼外楼，恋爱婚姻都自由。女：万水千山只等闲，还不赶快去赚钱。
45. Boy: There are green mountains beyond the mountains, and love and marriage are both free. Girl: It’s just a piece of cake to cross rivers and mountains; hurry up and go make money.
46、好友谈恋爱两个月，网名改成”蓝色”。最近我才知道，蓝色直译为中文叫”不撸”。
46. A friend has been dating for two months and changed their online nickname to “Blue.” Recently, I found out that “Blue” directly translates to “No Wank” in Chinese.
47、你们现在谈恋爱已经晚了，大学就应该全身心读书。。。。。。这个问题。应该初中高中就解决了。
47. It’s too late for you guys to fall in love now; you should have focused on studying in college. This issue should have been resolved during junior high and high school.
48、未来要和我结婚的那位：也不知道你现在给谁谈恋爱呢。别给人家浪费感情了、找个时间咱俩认识一下呗。
48. To the one who will marry me in the future: I don’t know who you’re dating now. Don’t waste your feelings on others; find a time for us to get to know each other.
49、今天听到一个八岁的小姑娘唱，两只老虎，两只老虎，谈恋爱，谈恋爱。两只都是公的，两只都是公的，真变态，真变态。
49. Today, I heard an eight-year-old girl singing, “Two tigers, two tigers, in love, in love.” Both of them are male, both of them are male; it’s so perverted, so perverted.
50、就算再挫也要谈恋爱，谈到世界充满爱！
50. Even if I’m not good enough, I still want to fall in love, and make the world full of love!
51、我谈过最长的恋爱，就是自恋，我爱自己，没有情敌。
51. The longest relationship I’ve ever had is with myself; I love myself, and there’s no rival in love.
52、看到有篇微博说道你自己是否愿意和自己谈恋爱。我纠结了很久，最后还是选择了不愿意。瞬间我再也不怪那些抛弃我的人了。
52. I saw a Weibo post asking if you would be willing to date yourself. I hesitated for a long time, but in the end, I chose not to. In that moment, I no longer blamed those who abandoned me.
53、君子报仇，十年不晚，小人报仇，从早到晚。
53. A gentleman seeks revenge in ten years; a petty person seeks revenge from morning to night.
54、天上终不会掉陷饼，它只会掉陷阱。
54. The sky won’t drop freebies; it only drops traps.
55、如果我死了，我的第一句话是：老子终于不用怕鬼了。
55. If I die, my first words will be: I finally don’t have to be afraid of ghosts anymore.
56、我这一生一共做错两件事，其一是生出来，另一是活下去。
56. In my life, I’ve made two mistakes: being born and living.
57、我们只是路人甲乙丙丁，在这花花世界集体游戏。无论你输我赢，到最后咱们都会一起GameOver！
57. We are just passers-by, playing a collective game in this colorful world. No matter who wins or loses, we will all end up with Game Over!
58、别在我面前摆POSE，我真怕忍不住想摔相机。
58. Don’t pose in front of me; I’m really afraid I’ll be tempted to drop the camera.
59、和你分手，因为，你连牵手都不配！
59. I broke up with you because you don’t even deserve to hold hands!
60、有一天小三哭了，因为出现了小四！
60. One day, the mistress cried because the fourth mistress appeared!
61、假如生活欺骗了我，那我也去欺骗生活。
61. If life deceives me, then I will deceive life as well.
62、我平胸我骄傲，我为国家省布料。
62. I’m proud of my flat chest, as I save fabric for the country.
63、男人膝下有黄金，我把整个腿都切下来了，连块铜也没找着！
63. Men have gold in their knees, but after cutting off my whole leg, I didn’t even find a piece of copper!
64、人不能低下高贵的头，但捡钱时例外。
64. One should not bow their noble head, except when picking up money.
65、小时候我以为自己长大后可以拯救整个世界，等长大后才发现整个世界都拯救不了我。
65. When I was young, I thought I could save the world when I grew up. But when I grew up, I realized the world couldn’t save me.
66、如果朋友可以出卖，每个值五块的话，我也能发笔小财了。
66. If friends could be sold, and each was worth five dollars, I could make a small fortune.
67、世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
67. In this world, I only trust two people: one is me, and the other is not you.
68、我们可以躲开大家，却躲不开一只苍蝇。生活中使我们不快乐的常是一些芝麻小事。
68. We can avoid everyone, but not a single fly. It’s often the trivial matters in life that make us unhappy.
69、穿着恒源祥的毛衣，提着脑白金的礼盒，拿着三精葡萄酸钙，嘬着太极急支糖浆，哪儿人多奔哪儿去这就算行为艺术了吧。
69. Wearing a Hengyuanxiang sweater, carrying a Naobaijin gift box, holding Sanjing grape acid calcium, and sipping Taijiguji Zhi Tang syrup, going wherever there are people can be considered performance art, right?
70、长大了，娶唐僧做老公，能玩就玩一玩，不能玩就把他吃掉。
70. When I grow up, I want to marry Tang Seng as a husband, play with him if possible, and eat him if not.
71、不该看的不看，不该说的不说，不该听的不听，不该想的不想，该干什么干什么去。
71. Don’t look at what you shouldn’t, don’t say what you shouldn’t, don’t listen to what you shouldn’t, and don’t think what you shouldn’t. Just do what you should be doing.
72、别跟我谈感情，谈感情伤钱。
72. Don’t talk to me about emotions; talking about emotions costs money.
73、爱情有时很像醉酒的感觉，头脑明明是清醒的，但行为就是不受控制。
73. Love sometimes feels like being drunk; the mind is clearly sober, but the actions are uncontrollable.
74、别说一辈子，别说永远，谁能对未来承诺呢？我们能把握的，无非是当时当地的感情。但一辈子，也是无数个现在组成的，努力好了每个瞬间，也就是永远了。
74. Don’t say a lifetime, don’t say forever; who can promise the future? What we can grasp is just the feelings of the moment. If we strive to do well in every instant, it becomes forever.
75、为中华而努力读书！一包中华好多钱啊！
75. Study hard for China! A pack of Zhonghua cigarettes costs a lot!
76、和谐校园里，骑自行车的也许是位博导，而开奔驰的则可能是个后勤。
76. In a harmonious campus, the person riding a bicycle might be a professor, while the one driving a Mercedes could be a logistics staff member.
77、有时解释是不必要的，敌人不信你的解释，朋友无须你的解释。
77. Sometimes explanations are unnecessary; enemies don’t believe your explanations, and friends don’t need them.
78、在餐厅偶遇初中女同学，但是她不记得我了，我便提醒她说：“你还记得初中时候，因为和你在小树林亲嘴被处分的那个男生吗？”她小脸一红，有些激动的说：“难道你就是当时那个……”我惭愧一笑：“没错，我就是当时告密的那个人！”
78. I ran into a junior high school female classmate at a restaurant, but she didn’t remember me. I reminded her, “Do you remember the boy who was punished for kissing you in the woods during junior high?” Her face turned red, and she asked excitedly, “Are you the one…?” I smiled shamefully, “Yes, I’m the one who reported it!”
79、又把老婆惹毛了，道歉了也没用，她气呼呼地在家里转圈：“哼！我要去买个贵的东西！”我一听，有转机！花钱消灾呗！马上说：“好啊!我陪你去买。”然后我们一起去了小商品市场买了个搓衣板回来……
79. I angered my wife again, and apologizing didn’t help. She paced around the house angrily, “Humph! I’m going to buy something expensive!” I thought there was a turning point! Spend money to avoid disaster! I immediately said, “Great! I’ll go with you to buy it.” Then we went to the small commodity market and bought a washboard…
80、广告就是告诉别人，他的钱还可以这么花。
80. Advertising is about telling others how they can spend their money.
81、我们活着的大多数人，一辈子只做了三件事：自欺、欺人、被人欺。
81. Most of us, in our lifetime, only do three things: deceive ourselves, deceive others, and be deceived by others.
82、一对男女在亲热，男的十分卖力，女的却毫无反映，男的生气的问道：“你就不能有点反映吗？连床也不会叫！”女的听后连忙大叫：“床！！床！！”
82. A couple was being intimate, the man was working hard, but the woman showed no response. The man, getting angry, asked: “Can’t you show some reaction? You won’t even moan!” The woman, upon hearing this, quickly shouted: “Bed! Bed!”
83、算命先生与小姐对白：“你命不好。”“为什么？”“因为你身上带有凶兆。”“那我把胸罩脱了行吗?”“不行，你一脱了凶兆，就会出现人生的两个大波。
83. Fortune teller and lady dialogue: “You have bad luck.” “Why?” “Because you have a bad omen on you.” “So if I take off my bra, will it be okay?” “No, once you remove the bad omen, two major challenges in life will appear.”
84、我身在江湖，江湖却没有关于我的传说。
84. I am in the world of martial arts, yet there are no legends about me in that world.
85、一张文凭、二国语言(精通英文)、三房一厅、四季名牌、五官端正、六六(落落)大方、七千月薪、八面玲珑、九(酒)烟不沾、十分老实。
85. A diploma, two languages (proficient in English), three rooms and a living room, four seasons of famous brands, good-looking features, generous and proper, a monthly salary of 7,000, well-connected, no alcohol or smoking, and very honest.
86、我们产生一点小分歧：她希望我把粪土变黄金，我希望她视黄金如粪土！
86. We have a minor disagreement: she wants me to turn dirt into gold, while I want her to treat gold like dirt.
87、有一种人只做两件事：你成功了，他妒嫉你，你失败了，他笑话你。
87. There is a kind of person who only does two things: when you succeed, they are jealous of you; when you fail, they ridicule you.
88、不怕神一样的哥们，就怕狗一样的朋友。
88. I am not afraid of friends who are like gods, but I am afraid of friends who are like dogs.
89、上帝给了我们七情六欲，我们却把它们变成了色情和暴力。
89. God gave us seven emotions and six desires, yet we turned them into pornography and violence.
90、去买水，老板说两块，我说瓶子上写着建议零售价一块五啊？老板说：“我不接受他的建议！”
90. I went to buy water, and the boss said it would cost two yuan. I said, “But the suggested retail price on the bottle is 1.5 yuan?” The boss replied, “I don’t accept his suggestion!”
91、我觉得对陌生人应该友善一点，像路上碰到金融保险、英语培训、留学服务、情趣酒店、相亲中介、不孕不育的产品推销和调查问卷，我从来都是耐心和气地答完填上前男友的姓名住址电话。
91. I think we should be friendly to strangers, like when I encounter salespeople or surveyors for financial insurance, English training, study abroad services, themed hotels, matchmaking agencies, and infertility products. I always patiently and kindly answer their questions and fill in my ex-boyfriend’s name, address, and phone number.
92、英雄不问出路，流氓不看岁数！
92. A hero doesn’t care about his origins, and a hooligan doesn’t care about his age!
93、从猴子变成人需要成千上万年，从人变回猴子只用一瓶酒。
93. It takes thousands of years for a monkey to evolve into a human, but it only takes a bottle of alcohol for a human to devolve into a monkey.
94、春有百花秋有月，夏有凉风冬有雪。若无烦事挂心头，便是人间好时节。
94. In spring, there are flowers; in autumn, there is the moon; in summer, there is a cool breeze; in winter, there is snow. If no worries burden your heart, every season is a fine time for humans.
95、没有人能预测未来，所以总有人后悔当初。
95. No one can predict the future, so there are always people who regret their past decisions.
96、男人靠征服世界来征服女人！女人靠征服男人来征服世界！
96. Men conquer the world to conquer women! Women conquer men to conquer the world!
97、这个世界不公平就在于：上帝说：“我要光！”于是有了白天。美女说：“我要钻戒！”于是她有了钻戒。富豪说：“我要女人！”于是他有了女人。我说：“我要洗澡！”居然停水了。
97. The unfairness of this world is that: God said, “I want light!” and there was daylight. A beautiful woman said, “I want a diamond ring!” and she got it. A wealthy man said, “I want a woman!” and he got her. I said, “I want to take a bath!” and suddenly, there was no water.
98、自从我变成了狗屎，就再也没人踩到我头上。
98. Ever since I became dog feces, no one has stepped on my head.
99、老板，来一碗泪流满面。
99. Boss, give me a bowl of tears streaming down my face.
100、有钱的人怕别人知道他有钱，没钱的人怕别人知道他没钱。
100. Rich people fear others knowing they have money, while poor people fear others knowing they have no money.
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