1、兄弟从前的情感生活，那也是颇为凌乱的。
1. My brother’s past emotional life was quite messy.

2、我花8万买了个西周陶罐，昨儿到《鉴宝》栏目进行鉴定，专家严肃地说：”这哪是西周的？这是上周的！”
2. I spent 80,000 yuan on a Western Zhou pottery jar, and yesterday I took it to the “Appraisal” column for identification. The expert said seriously, “This is not from the Western Zhou Dynasty; it’s from last week!”

3、始终没有沦为一个优秀的大学生，靠的就是坚强的品质！
3. I have never become an excellent college student, relying on my strong character!

4、我要让全世界知道我很低调！
4. I want the whole world to know that I am low-key!

5、卸无可卸的包袱，退无可退的道路；忍无可忍的眼泪，追无可追的前途。
5. The burden that cannot be shed, the road that cannot be retreated; the tears that cannot be endured, the future that cannot be chased.

6、同时绽放在夜空里的花火，看得到彼此美丽的时刻，我却无法照亮你的一生……
6. The fireworks that bloom in the night sky together can see each other’s beautiful moments, but I cannot illuminate your whole life…

7、当我们失去的时候，才知道自己曾经拥有。
7. Only when we lose something do we realize what we once had.

8、人要是无聊啊，鼻涕泡都能拿来玩会。
8. When people are bored, they can even play with their own snot bubbles.

9、不经历星期一上午的崩溃，就不知道星期五下午的可贵。
9. Without experiencing the collapse on Monday morning, you don’t know the value of Friday afternoon.

10、什么是坏人，白天脱裤子的男人，晚上不卸妆的女人。
10. What is a bad person? A man who takes off his pants during the day, and a woman who doesn’t remove her makeup at night.

11、真正的勇士要敢于正视漂亮的美眉，敢于直面惨淡的单身；
11. A true warrior must have the courage to face beautiful girls and the courage to face the bleak single life.

12、不能因为咱俩有过节，你就把我当节过。
12. Just because we have had a conflict, you can’t treat me as if I were a festival.

13、鞭策自己，鞭打别人。
13. Spur yourself on, and whip others.

14、路漫漫其修远兮，不如我去打的。
14. The road ahead is long and has a distant journey; it’s better for me to take a taxi.

15、我的地盘，你是地主。
15. On my territory, you are the landlord.

16、一分钟有多长？这要看你是蹲在厕所里面，还是等在厕所外面。
16. How long is a minute? It depends on whether you are squatting in the toilet or waiting outside the toilet.

17、小时候最怕的，不是梦见自己找厕所没有找到。而是人还没醒过来，厕所找到了。
17. When I was a child, the scariest thing was not dreaming of not finding a toilet. It’s that before waking up, the toilet was found.

18、我觉得一定有很多人暗恋我，因为这么多年了，也没有人跟我表白！
18. I think there must be many people who have a crush on me, because after so many years, no one has confessed to me!

19、我心中一直有个疑惑，5年了，整整5年了，灰太狼都是吃什么活下去的……
19. I have always had a doubt in my heart: for 5 years, for a whole 5 years, what has Grey Wolf been eating to survive…

20、一个人最长的恋爱史，大概就是自恋了……
20. The longest love history a person can have is probably self-love…

21、成功三要素：1坚持；2不要脸；3坚持不要脸。你做到了么？
21. The three key elements of success: 1 persistence; 2 shamelessness; 3 persisting in shamelessness. Have you achieved them?

22、施主，贫僧是来化缘的，请问有酱肘子么?炸鸡腿也行，善哉。
22. Devotee, I am here to seek alms. Do you have any braised pork elbows? Fried chicken legs will do too. Goodness.

23、水壶啊，你为什么哭泣，是因为屁股太烫了吗?
23. Kettle, why are you crying? Is it because your bottom is too hot?

24、人是铁，饭是钢，一天不装憋得慌。
24. Man is iron, and food is steel. A day without pretending makes one anxious.

25、我的心不是公交车，不是有空位你就坐下来。
25. My heart is not a bus; you can’t just sit down when there’s an empty seat.

26、人的一生就象在拉屎，有时你已经很努力了可出来的只是一个屁。
26. Life is like defecating; sometimes you try really hard, but all that comes out is a fart.

27、我身在江湖，江湖却没有关于我的传说!
27. I am in the world of martial arts, yet there are no legends about me!

28、令人不能自拔的，除了牙齿还有爱情。
28. What cannot be extricated from, besides teeth, is love.

29、宿舍的弟兄决定对张舍监实施以下惩罚：让其抱着贴满老中医广告的电线杆，饱含热泪充满深情的大声呐喊：我的病终于有救了啊！
29. The dormitory brothers decided to impose the following punishment on the dormitory supervisor: make him hold onto a utility pole covered with old Chinese medicine advertisements, tearfully and passionately shout: My illness is finally cured!

30、我想早恋，但是已经晚了……
30. I want to fall in love early, but it’s already too late…

31、老鼠从不浪费晚上的时间，而我们人类却浪费了每天的三分之一。
31. Mice never waste their evenings, yet humans waste one-third of every day.

32、故意学习，故意工作，故意生活，故意活得像个人！
32. Deliberately study, deliberately work, deliberately live, deliberately live like a human being!

33、放下你大学生的架子，找碗饭吃先！
33. Put down your college student airs, find a bowl of food first!

34、这个世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
34. In this world, I only believe in two people: one is me, and the other is not you.

35、生活真他妈好玩，因为生活老他妈玩我。
35. Life is really fucking fun, because life always plays with me.

36、爱情就是犯贱，而且还是一次又一次的犯贱。什么时候你不犯贱了，女人就来了！
36. Love is being cheap, and doing it again and again. When you stop being cheap, women will come!

37、黑夜给了我一双黑色的眼睛，可我却用它来翻白眼。
37. The night gave me a pair of black eyes, but I use them to roll my eyes.

38、网络就像是监狱，本来是偷了个钱包进来的，等出去的时候就什么都学会了。
38. The internet is like a prison; originally, I came in for stealing a wallet, but when I go out, I’ve learned everything.

39、生下来的人没有怕死的，怕死的都TM没生下来，所以谁都别TM的装横！
39. No one born is afraid of death; those who are afraid of death never came into this world, so don’t act tough!

40、记住该记住的，忘记该忘记的。改变能改变的，接受不能改变的。
40. Remember what should be remembered, forget what should be forgotten. Change what can be changed, accept what cannot be changed.

41、眼泪的存在，是为了证明悲伤不是一场幻觉。
41. The existence of tears is to prove that sadness is not an illusion.

42、有句话是，如果有个男人在大马路上蹲下给你系鞋带，这样的男人你就嫁了吧！我想说，打死结的算么？
42. There’s a saying, if a man squats down in the street to tie your shoelaces, just marry him! I’d like to ask, what about those who tie it in a knot?

43、老婆的首字母是LP，而漂亮的首字母是PL。我忽然明白了，老婆往往和漂亮是相反的。
43. The first letter of “wife” is LP, while the first letter of “beautiful” is PL. I suddenly realized that wives are often the opposite of beautiful.

44、蹲下来抚摸自己的影子，对不起让你受委屈了。
44. Squatting down to touch my own shadow, I’m sorry for making you feel wronged.

45、对着你亮着的头像 终于做到了无动于衷。
45. Facing your online avatar, I finally managed to remain indifferent.

46、不要跟我说你爱我，这句话听多了想吐…
46. Don’t tell me you love me, I feel like vomiting after hearing that sentence too many times…

47、我把心寄错了地址，现在请你还给我好吗？
47. I sent my heart to the wrong address, can you please return it to me now?

48、满街游走，打听幸福的下落…
48. Wandering around the streets, inquiring about the whereabouts of happiness…

49、什么路只有一条，简称，死路一条。
49. What road is only one? It’s called a dead end.

50、我身材其实挺好，肥而不腻。摘自：www.yuluju.com   经典语录语句
50. My figure is actually quite good, plump but not greasy. From: www.yuluju.com Classic Quotes

51、哥不是收破烂的，做不到让你随喊随到！
51. I’m not a scrap collector, I can’t be at your beck and call!

52、不是每种牛奶都叫苏特仑，不是每个人都像我那么纯。
52. Not every kind of milk is called Sutren, and not everyone is as pure as me.

53、你那么有钱 为什么不让鬼来推磨？
53. You’re so rich, why not let ghosts grind the millstone for you?

54、别把人和狗相提并论，狗最起码忠诚。
54. Don’t compare people to dogs, at least dogs are loyal.

55、如果发短信息给你喜欢的人 ，他不回，不要再发。
55. If you send a message to someone you like and they don’t reply, don’t send another one.

56、漂亮女人一般都认为男人笨，而男人一般都认为漂亮女人都是猪脑子。
56. Beautiful women generally think men are stupid, while men generally think beautiful women have pig brains.

57、一千年不是出一个，而是出一只周立波，你当我是乌龟啊！
57. A Zhou Libo doesn’t appear once in a thousand years, but rather once in a lifetime. You think I’m a turtle?

58、鞠躬鞠这么长时间，不是想讨掌声，实际上我主要想让我大家检查一下我头势（头路）清楚伐。
58. Bowing for such a long time is not to seek applause, but mainly to let everyone check if my head is clear.

59、现在我们中国这个股市，应该倒过来说，已经变事故了。
59. Nowadays, China’s stock market should be said in reverse, it has already become an accident.

60、一般无知的都是领导。
60. Generally, the ignorant ones are the leaders.

61、我很细心，我发现，游泳池里，特别是女同胞，这个游泳裤的角度平均五年往上面走二十度。
61. I am very attentive. I’ve noticed that in swimming pools, especially among female swimmers, the angle of swimming trunks increases by 20 degrees every five years on average.

62、我上次从电脑里打开一看，李宇春一张海报老漂亮了，小姑娘老阳光了！下面是计划生育委员会的一句标语，叫：生男生女一个样。
62. The last time I opened my computer, I saw a poster of Li Yuchun, who looked so beautiful and sunny! Below it was a slogan from the family planning committee, saying: “Boys and girls are the same.”

63、股市怎么可能有专家呢？股市不可能有专家嘛！股市只有输家和赢家。
63. How can there be experts in the stock market? There can’t be any experts in the stock market! There are only losers and winners in the stock market.

64、有一篇课文叫木兰从军，我在那时打死我也不相信木兰从军怎么可能不被发现呢！不可能的嘛！后来我认识李宇春才晓得_噢！这在技术上是可行地！
64. There is a text called “Mulan Joins the Army.” I couldn’t believe how Mulan could serve in the army without being discovered back then! It’s impossible! Later, when I met Li Yuchun, I realized - oh! It’s technically possible!

65、现在投机倒把叫中介。
65. Now, speculators are called intermediaries.

66、人才和天才只差一个“二”。故，人才很精，而天才总是有点二。
66. The difference between talent and genius is just a “two.” Therefore, talents are smart, while geniuses are always a bit “two.”

67、没事儿晒晒太阳吧，没准儿晒黑了就没人说你是白痴了。
67. Go out and enjoy the sun when you’re bored. Maybe if you get tanned, no one will call you an idiot anymore.

68、肥胖是会呼吸的痛，它活在我身上所有角落，吃肯德基会痛，吃麦当劳会痛，连喝水也痛；肥胖是会呼吸的痛，它流在血液中来回滚动，后悔不减肥会痛，恨不节食会痛，想瘦不能瘦最痛。
68. Obesity is a painful breath; it lives in every corner of my body. It hurts when I eat KFC, McDonald’s, and even water; Obesity is a painful breath, flowing in my blood, rolling back and forth. Regretting not losing weight hurts, hating not dieting hurts, and wanting to be thin but not being able to is the most painful.

69、认识陌生人真麻烦，又要把谎话再说一遍。
69. Meeting strangers is troublesome because I have to lie all over again.

70、百度搜不到你，只好进搜狗。
70. I can’t find you on Baidu, so I have to use Sogou.

71、原本想一口一口吃掉忧愁，不料却一口一口吃成胖子。
71. I wanted to eat my worries away one bite at a time, but instead, I became a fat person one bite at a time.

72、不经历人渣，怎么能出嫁，没有人能随随便便成妈。
72. Without going through some jerks, how can you get married? Nobody can become a mom just like that.

73、挨饿这事，干得好就叫减肥；掐人这事，干得好就叫按摩；发呆这事，干得好就叫深沉；偷懒这事，干得好就叫享受；死皮赖脸这事，干得好就叫执著；装傻这事，如果干的好，那叫大智若愚！
73. Starving can be called dieting if done well; pinching can be called massage if done well; daydreaming can be called deep thinking if done well; being lazy can be called enjoying if done well; being shameless can be called persistence if done well; acting foolish, if done well, is called feigning ignorance; and being crazy, if rational, is called having sense.

74、有人说异地恋辛苦，有人说同性恋辛苦，有人说姐弟恋辛苦，有人说师生恋辛苦，有人说异国恋辛苦，我说他妈的没人恋最辛苦！
74. Some say long-distance relationships are tough, some say same-sex relationships are tough, some say sibling relationships are tough, some say teacher-student relationships are tough, and some say international relationships are tough. I say having no love at all is the toughest!

75、傻子偷乞丐的钱包，被瞎子看到了，哑巴大吼一声，把聋子吓了一跳，驼子挺身而出，跛子飞起一脚，麻子说：看我的面子算了。疯子说：就是，人要有理智。
75. A fool steals a beggar’s wallet, which is seen by a blind man. A mute shouts, startling a deaf person, as a hunchback steps forward and a cripple kicks. The pockmarked person says, “Let’s call it even for my sake.” The madman says, “That’s right, people should be rational.”

76、如果婚姻是爱情的坟墓，那么相亲是为坟墓看风水，表白是自掘坟墓，结婚是双双殉情，移情别恋是迁坟，第三者是盗墓。
76. If marriage is the grave of love, then matchmaking is looking for feng shui for the grave, confessing is digging one’s own grave, getting married is a joint suicide, falling in love with someone else is moving the grave, and the third party is grave robbing.

77、上联：学生证准考证身份证证证没带；下联：听力题阅读题作文题题题不做；横批：重在参与。
77. Upper couplet: Student ID, exam admission ticket, ID card, no proof carried; Lower couplet: Listening questions, reading questions, composition questions, no questions attempted; Horizontal scroll: Participation is key.

78、一个女人爱你，你是丈夫。几个女人爱你，你是男人。十个女人爱你，你是情种。百个女人爱你，你是偶像。千个女人爱你，你是英雄。万个女人爱你，你是领袖。全国女人爱你，你是人民
78. One woman loves you, you are a husband. Several women love you, you are a man. Ten women love you, you are a heartthrob. A hundred women love you, you are an idol. A thousand women love you, you are a hero. Ten thousand women love you, you are a leader. Women all over the country love you, you are the people.
币。全世界的女人爱你，噢，你是卫生巾。
1. Coin. Women all over the world love you, oh, you are a sanitary pad.

79、心情不好的时候，那就上厕所，上完之后，面部狰狞的对着马桶说：“你给我吃屎吧你！”然后猛冲厕所。
2. 79. When you’re in a bad mood, go to the bathroom. After you’re done, make a ferocious face at the toilet and say, “Eat shit, you!” Then flush the toilet vigorously.

80、李敖点评男人爱情篇：①不主动，美女就会让别的男人爬到身上。②不拒绝，就会有丑女爬到你身上。③不承诺，没有女人愿意让你爬到她身上。李敖点评男人工作篇：①不主动，好位置别人弄走；②不拒绝，什么瘪事都安排给你；③不承诺，没有那个领导相信你。
80. Li Ao’s comments on men’s love: ①If you don’t take the initiative, a beautiful woman will let another man climb on her. ②If you don’t reject, an ugly woman will climb on you. ③If you don’t commit, no woman would let you climb on her. Li Ao’s comments on men’s work: ①If you don’t take the initiative, someone else will take the good position. ②If you don’t reject, you’ll be given all sorts of trivial tasks. ③If you don’t commit, no leader will trust you.

81、夏天活捉到蚊子该怎么办呢？1、当然要抚养他2、送他上学3、给他买房子4、帮他娶媳妇5、给他看孩子，不然你还能怎么办呢？毕竟它身上流的是你的血……
81. What should you do if you catch a mosquito in the summer? 1. Of course, you have to raise it. 2. Send it to school. 3. Buy it a house. 4. Help it find a wife. 5. Take care of its children. Otherwise, what else can you do? After all, it has your blood in its body…

82、造谣，干得好叫炒作；睡觉，干得好叫盗梦；马屁，干得好叫赞扬；父亲，干得好叫李刚；忽悠，干得好叫淡定；自卑，干得好叫谦虚；自恋，干得好叫个性；裸奔，干得好叫艺术；劳死，干得好叫牺牲；工作，干得好叫创业；点评，干得好叫原创；跑龙套，干得好叫友情演出！
82. Fabricating rumors, if done well, is called hype; sleeping, if done well, is called dream theft; flattery, if done well, is called praise; father, if done well, is called Li Gang; fooling, if done well, is called calmness; inferiority, if done well, is called modesty; narcissism, if done well, is called personality; streaking, if done well, is called art; working to death, if done well, is called sacrifice; working, if done well, is called entrepreneurship; commenting, if done well, is called originality; being an extra, if done well, is called a guest appearance!

83、高管日志：早上起床：打拳；上午开会：打盹；中午吃饭：打嗝；下午上班：打哈；傍晚加班：打牌；晚上娱乐：打炮；深夜回家：打架。
83. Executive diary: Morning: practicing boxing; Morning meeting: dozing off; Lunchtime: burping; Afternoon work: yawning; Evening overtime: playing cards; Nighttime entertainment: having sex; Late-night return home: fighting.

84、中国式父母：5岁：孩子，我给你报了少年宫。7岁：孩子，我给你报了奥数班。15岁：孩子，我给你报了重点中学。18岁：孩子，我给你报了高考突击班。23岁：孩子，我给你报公务员。
84. Chinese-style parents: 5 years old: Child, I’ve enrolled you in the Children’s Palace. 7 years old: Child, I’ve enrolled you in an Olympiad class. 15 years old: Child, I’ve enrolled you in a key middle school. 18 years old: Child, I’ve enrolled you in a college entrance examination crash course. 23 years old: Child, I’ve enrolled you in the civil service exam.
32岁：孩子，我给你报了《非诚勿扰》。
32 years old: Child, I’ve enrolled you in “If You Are the One.”

85、男人们聊天，七分谈理想，三分谈女人；女人们则七分谈男人，三分谈理想。于是，男人征服世界赢得女人；女人征服男人赢得世界。
85. Men talk about 70% ideals and 30% women; women talk about 70% men and 30% ideals. Thus, men conquer the world to win women; women conquer men to win the world.

86、不要对我放电，因为我这里有来电显示。
86. Don’t send me electric shocks because I have a call display here.

87、毁掉一首好歌最好的方法就是把它设为起床闹铃。
87. The best way to ruin a good song is to set it as your alarm clock.

88、外遇和艳遇的区别在于，前者在一起了后者没有。
88. The difference between an affair and a romantic encounter is that the former happened while the latter didn’t.

89、俗话说，近猪者吃。你爱吃根本就不是你的错，归根结底是因为你身边的猪太多了。
89. As the saying goes, “You are what you eat.” Your love for food is not your fault, but rather because there are too many “pigs” around you.

90、世界上最遥远的距离不是生与死也不是相爱不知，是冬天被窝里和被窝外的距离。
90. The longest distance in the world is not between life and death, nor not knowing each other when in love, but the distance between the inside and outside of a winter quilt.

91、别人手牵手，我牵我的狗，走一走，游一游，看谁不爽咬两口。
91. Others hold hands, but I walk with my dog, strolling and wandering, biting whoever annoys me.

92、化学课上，化学老师问：“如果你家的煤气泄漏了，怎么办？”，别慌，点支烟，冷静一下。
92. In chemistry class, the teacher asked, “What should you do if there’s a gas leak at home?” Don’t panic, light a cigarette, and calm down.

93、上课的区别：小学上课费嘴，初中上课费笔，高中上课费脑，大学上课费流量……
93. The difference between classes: Elementary school classes require talking, middle school classes require writing, high school classes require thinking, and college classes require data usage…

94、最近穷疯了，没钱买大饼吃，只好啃馒头；想吃大饼了，就把馒头拍扁；想吃面条了，就用梳子把馒头梳几下！
94. Recently, I’ve been so poor that I can’t afford to buy pancakes, so I have to eat steamed buns instead; when I want pancakes, I flatten the buns; when I want noodles, I comb the buns with a comb!

95、现在才知道当年房奴李白买的是一套烂尾楼，有诗为证：床前明月光-没有窗；疑是地上霜-门未装；举头望明月-屋顶敞；低头思故乡-很受伤。
95. Now I know that the house Li Bai bought was an unfinished building, as evidenced by the poem: “Bright moonlight in front of my bed - no windows; I suspect frost on the ground - the door is not installed; I raise my head to look at the bright moon - the roof is open; I lower my head and think of my hometown - very hurt.”

96、像我这种人长得丑身材又差成绩又不好又没魄力和毅力又胆小又没特长又不会说话又贪玩记性又差游戏也打不好又没志气又怕困难又怕失败的人咳~以后真不知道该怎么办。
96. I’m the kind of person who is ugly, has a bad figure, poor grades, no courage or willpower, timid, no special skills, bad at speaking, greedy for play, poor at remembering, bad at gaming, and afraid of difficulties and failure. I wonder what I will do in the future.

97、要懂得珍惜守护身边的每个人，因为前世扭断脖子的回眸，我们才换来了今生的相遇。
97. Cherish and protect everyone around you, for it took a lifetime of neck-breaking glances in the past to换来今生的相遇 (secure our encounter in this life).

98、春困夏乏秋无力，冬日正好眠。
98. Spring brings drowsiness, summer brings lethargy, autumn brings weakness, and winter is perfect for sleep.

99、“天涯何处无芳草，何必单恋一枝花”的意思其实一直是——“天下那么多男人，干嘛非要去喜欢一个女人啊！”
99. The meaning of “There is fragrant grass everywhere under the horizon, why be infatuated with just one flower?” has always been – “There are so many men in the world, why must you like a woman?”

100、女人胖是丰满，瘦是苗条，高是修长，矮是秀气。男人胖是猪，瘦是排骨，高是竹竿，矮是冬瓜！
100. A woman’s plumpness is considered full and charming, thinness is slim and elegant, height is slender and graceful, and shortness is delicate and refined. A man’s plumpness is piggish, thinness is like a rib, height is like a bamboo pole, and shortness is like a winter melon!