1、没人牵我的手，我就揣兜里。
1. If no one holds my hand, I’ll just put it in my pocket.

2、哥们最大的愿望是：美女不穿衣裳！
2. My buddy’s biggest wish is: beautiful women wearing no clothes!

3、师弟形容他宿舍的卫生情况——“回到宿舍，我都不想睁开眼！！！”
3. My junior brother described the cleanliness of his dormitory - “When I get back to the dorm, I don’t even want to open my eyes!”

4、清华大学又名“青蛙大学”——当你边吃包子边说时…
4. Tsinghua University is also called “Frog University” - when you say it while eating a bun…

5、放自己的屁，让别人闻去吧！
5. Let me release my own fart and let others smell it!

6、不吃饱哪有力气减肥啊？
6. How can you lose weight if you’re not full?

7、球进了，是守门员把球踢进的。
7. The ball went in; it was the goalkeeper who kicked it in.

8、当面夸一女同学：你真是清水出芙蓉！！
8. Complimenting a female classmate to her face: “You are as pure as a lotus emerging from the water!”

9、怎么死的？还不是穷死的。
9. How did they die?还不是穷死的 (It’s not because they were poor, is it?)

10、花坛里有一个一元钱的硬币，可是花坛边的牌子上写着“踏入花坛，罚款三元！”，真是为难。
10. There’s a one-yuan coin in the flower bed, but the sign at the edge of the flower bed says, “Fine of three yuan for stepping into the flower bed!” What a dilemma.

11、如果照镜子要上税，恐怕有些女人会破产。
11. If there were taxes on looking in the mirror, some women might go bankrupt.

12、暗恋是成功的哑剧，说出来就成了悲剧。
12. Unrequited love is a successful mime act; once spoken, it becomes a tragedy.

13、希望似火，失望如烟，人生就是七处点火，八处冒烟。
13. Hope is like fire, disappointment is like smoke; life is about lighting seven fires and having eight columns of smoke.

14、格式化自己，只为删除你。
14. Formatting myself just to delete you.

15、一个胖子居然自称自己不是粗人。
15. A fat person居然自称 (actually claims) not to be coarse.

16、世界上最远的距离不是生与死，而是我隐身你在线，你却在线我隐身。
16. The longest distance in the world is not between life and death, but when I go offline and you stay online, and when you go online and I stay offline.

17、别人都说我很瘦，我只是胖的不明显。
17. Others say I’m thin, but I’m just not obviously fat.

18、孔子不能帮你解决的问题，老子帮你解决。
18. If Confucius can’t help you solve the problem, Laozi will help you.

19、我对你的每一次想念是一粒沙，所以世界上就有了撒哈拉。
19. Every time I miss you, it’s a grain of sand, and that’s how the Sahara Desert came to be.

20、韩国学者认为：孙悟空其实是韩国神仙，因为他用的是棒子！
20. Korean scholars believe that Sun Wukong is actually a Korean deity because he uses a staff!

21、姐就是姐，从未被超越。
21. Sis is always sis, never surpassed.

22、生活其实很快乐就看你站在哪个角度看。
22. Life can be happy if you look at it from the right perspective.

23、雷锋做了好事不留名，但是每一件事情都记到日记里面。
23. Lei Feng did good deeds without leaving his name, but he recorded every single act in his diary.

24、不吃饱哪有力气减肥啊？
24. How can you lose weight if you’re not full?

25、真不好意思，让您贱笑了。
25. I’m sorry to make you laugh at my expense.

26、男人赚钱后想和老婆离婚，男人赚不到钱老婆想和他离婚。
26. When a man earns money, he wants to divorce his wife; when a man doesn’t earn money, his wife wants to divorce him.

27、男人有外遇体现在工作越来越忙，女人有外遇体现在做的菜越来越咸。
27. A man having an affair shows it by getting busier at work, while a woman having an affair shows it by making her dishes saltier.

28、女人对你说“讨厌”的时候表明她喜欢你，男人对你说“讨厌”的时候他是真的讨厌你。
28. When a woman says “I hate you,” she actually likes you; when a man says “I hate you,” he really hates you.

29、我能抵抗一切，除了诱惑。
29. I can resist everything except temptation.

30、老子不但有车，还是自行的。
30. I have a car, and it’s a bicycle.

31、大家都说我是个演员，是因为我一看见漂亮MM眼就圆……
31. Everyone says I’m an actor because my eyes widen when I see a pretty girl…

32、男人在不懂的时候装懂，女人则恰好相反。
32. Men pretend to understand when they don’t, while women do the opposite.

33、你不能让所有人满意，因为不是所有的人都是人！
33. You can’t satisfy everyone because not everyone is human!

34、林子大了，什么鸟都有。社会复杂了，什么人都有了。我是哪一类人呢，我正琢磨着呢？
34. The bigger the forest, the more diverse the birds. The more complex society becomes, the more diverse the people. What kind of person am I? I’m still figuring it out.

35、有奶不一定是娘，但有钱一定是爷！
35. Not all who nurse you are mothers, but those with money are definitely masters!

36、时间是最好的老师，但遗憾的是，最后他把所有的学生都弄死了。
36. Time is the best teacher, but sadly, he eventually kills all his students.

37、有钱男子汉，没钱汉子难！
37. Rich men are heroes; poor men struggle.

38、永远都不要停止微笑，即使是在你难过的时候，说不定有人会因为你的笑容而爱上你。
38. Never stop smiling, even when you’re sad. Who knows, someone might fall in love with you because of your smile.

39、大学这四年里，我一直认为自己是个人才，可是我错了，我不是！我tmd竟然是一个天才！
39. During my four years in college, I thought I was a talent, but I was wrong. I’m actually a genius!

40、为配合今年中国计划生育工作的胜利完成，本人决定暂时不和异性朋友接触，谢谢合作。
40. In order to support the successful implementation of China’s family planning this year, I have decided to temporarily avoid contact with friends of the opposite sex. Thank you for your cooperation.

41、世界上最遥远的距离不是生与死的离别，而是当我站在你面前你却不知道：我爱你！
41. The furthest distance in the world is not the separation of life and death, but when I stand in front of you and you don’t know that I love you!

42、穿别人的鞋，走自己的路，让他们找去吧。
42. Wear other people’s shoes, walk your own path, and let them search for you!

43、我故意学习，故意工作，故意生活，故意活得像个人！
43. I deliberately study, deliberately work, deliberately live, and deliberately live like a human being!

44、长大了要娶唐僧做老公，想宠幸就宠幸，不想玩了就把他吃掉。
44. When I grow up, I want to marry Tang Seng as my husband, to pamper him when I want, and eat him when I get bored.

45、老鼠一发威，大家都是病猫。
45. When a mouse gets angry, everyone becomes a sick cat.

46、一定是我的帅害死了我！
46. It must be my handsomeness that killed me!

47、生是她的人，死是她的吉祥物。
47. In life, she is my person; in death, she is my mascot.

48、如果太阳不出来了，我就不去上班了；如果出来了，我就继续睡觉！
48. If the sun doesn’t come out, I won’t go to work; if it does come out, I’ll keep sleeping!

49、瞎子点灯，或许不是一种愚蠢，亦或是一种智慧，甚至气度……
49. A blind man lighting a lamp may not be foolishness, but rather wisdom, or even magnanimity…

50、24K纯爷们！纯的！
50. 24K pure manliness! Pure indeed!

51、偶尔幽生活一默你会觉得很爽，但生活幽你一默就惨了……
51. Occasionally making a joke about life can feel great, but when life makes a joke out of you, it’s terrible…

52、你真是个地道的美人啊。就是说你只有在地道里才算美人，因为地道里没灯。
52. You are such a genuine beauty. It means you’re only considered beautiful in the tunnel, because there are no lights there.

53、没有钱的浪漫，我可以牵着你的手漫步在满布白沙的海滩。
53. Without money for romance, I can still hold your hand and walk with you on the beach covered with white sand.

54、蹲在厕所里，想着500万……
54. Sitting on the toilet, thinking about 5 million…

55、写什么写，就是写了你会信么？什么？你真信，你怎么那么幼稚啊！
55. What’s the point of writing? Would you believe it even if I wrote it? What? You really believe it? How naive of you!

56、早知道前世的五百次回眸，能换来今生的与你相遇。我就该把头甩断，来换这一辈子与你相遇。
56. If I had known that the 500 glances in our previous life could be exchanged for meeting you in this life, I would have broken my neck to meet you in this lifetime.

57、彪悍的人生不需要解释。
57. A fierce life requires no explanation.

58、我的爱人都叫我第三者！
58. My lovers all call me the third party!

59、天啦，我的衣服又瘦了！
59. Oh my, my clothes have shrunk again!

60、青春就像卫生纸。看着挺多的，用着用着就不够了。
60. Youth is like toilet paper. It seems like there’s plenty, but as you use it, it runs out.

61、我一发怒，冬天就到了；冬天一发怒，我就变成秋裤男了。
61. When I get angry, winter comes; when winter gets angry, I become a man in long johns.

62、没上大学时奇怪为什么那么多人上了大学还要自*杀，上了大学后奇怪为什么那么多人上了大学还要活着！
62. Before college, I wondered why so many people committed suicide even after going to college; after college, I wondered why so many people still wanted to live after going to college!

63、爷爷都是从孙子走过来的……
63. Every grandfather was once a grandson…

64、你要是嫁人就先嫁给别人然后再嫁给我，带着他的存款领着他的妹妹，开着那宝马来。
64. If you’re going to get married, marry someone else first and then me, bringing his savings, his sister, and driving that BMW.

65、如果个性是一种错，那么我已一错在错。如果帅是一种罪过，那么我已罪恶滔天。如果聪明要受惩罚，那我岂不是该千刀万剐。如果谦虚要受责骂，我怎能逃过妒忌的嘴巴。
65. If being unique is a mistake, then I’ve made mistakes again and again. If being handsome is a sin, then I’m guilty beyond redemption. If being smart is a punishment, then don’t I deserve to be cut into a thousand pieces? If being modest is to be scolded, how can I escape the jealousy of others?

66、爱像圆周率，无限不循环……
66. Love is like pi, infinite and non-repeating…

67、琴棋书画不会，洗衣做饭嫌累。
67. I can’t play musical instruments or paint, and I find washing clothes and cooking tiring.

68、一山不能容二虎，除非一公和一母。
68. One mountain cannot accommodate two tigers, unless one is male and the other is female.

69、诚征小MM，共同来灌水；我灌长江头，君灌长江尾。
69. Seeking a young lady to chat with; I’ll water the head of the Yangtze River, and you water the tail.

70、做女人“挺”好，做男人“挺”累！
70. It’s good to be a woman with “proud” posture, but it’s tiring to be a man with “proud” posture!

71、水能载舟，亦能煮粥！
71. Water can carry boats, and it can also cook porridge!

72、也许似乎大概是，然而未必不见得。
72. It may seem like, but it’s not necessarily the case.

73、我喝酒是想把痛苦溺死，但这该死的痛苦却学会了游泳。
73. I drink to drown my sorrows, but the damned sorrows have learned how to swim.

74、不要等到人人都说你丑时才发现自己真的丑。
74. Don’t wait until everyone says you’re ugly to realize you’re truly ugly.

75、如果你不能为你心爱的女人穿上嫁衣，请停下你解她衣扣的手。
75. If you can’t put a wedding dress on the woman you love, please stop unbuttoning her clothes.

76、如果多吃鱼可以补脑让人变聪明的话，那么我至少得吃一对儿鲸鱼……
76. If eating more fish can make one smarter, then I must eat a pair of whales at least…

77、巧合就像是你困倦的时候打哈欠，不想一张嘴却飞进去一只绿豆苍蝇。确实挺恶心的。
77. A coincidence is like yawning when you’re sleepy, but as soon as you open your mouth, a green bean fly flies in. It’s really disgusting.

78、2012如果地没有裂，楼没有倒，厕所没有爆，路人甲没有跑，我会在2013年1月4日（爱你一生一世），这个千古难寻的大日子里，和我爱的人走进婚姻的殿堂！
78. If the earth doesn’t crack, buildings don’t collapse, toilets don’t explode, and passersby don’t run away in 2012, I will marry the one I love on January 4th, 2013 (Love you for a lifetime), a once-in-a-lifetime day!

79、如果你不能给你的女人穿上嫁衣，那么千万别停下你解开她衣扣的手！
79. If you can’t put a wedding dress on your woman, then never stop unbuttoning her clothes!

80、堕落并不可怕，可怕的是当一个人堕落时非常清醒！
80. It’s not可怕 to fall into depravity, what’s可怕的 is being fully aware while doing so!

81、以前，脱下内裤看屁股；现在，拔开屁股看内裤。因为我穿的丁字裤。
81. In the past, we took off our underwear to see our butts; now, we pull apart our butts to see our underwear, because I wear thongs.

82、他徜徉校园，她擦肩而过。美丽的背影，他情不自禁，喊：“你真美呀，请停留一下！”她回首，他凝眸。结果两个人一起死掉了——她丑死了，他吓死了；他丑死了，她笑死了……
82. He wandered around the campus, and she passed by. The beautiful back view made him unable to resist shouting, “You are so beautiful, please stop for a moment!” She turned around, and he stared. In the end, both of them died together - she was so ugly that he died of fright, and he was so ugly that she died of laughter.

83、送你一份有史以来粪量最重的礼物，你一定会大吃一斤。
83. I’m giving you a gift with the heaviest poop weight in history, you will definitely be amazed.

84、你看得见我打在屏幕上的字，却看不到我掉在键盘上的泪……
84. You can see the words I type on the screen, but you can’t see the tears I shed on the keyboard…

85、不对，就是碗是铁的，里边没饭你吃啥去？
85. No, the bowl is made of iron, and if there’s no rice inside, what are you going to eat?

86、男人靠征服世界来征服女人！女人靠征服男人来征服世界！
86. Men conquer the world to conquer women! Women conquer men to conquer the world!

87、现在开始爱你晚不晚？
87. Is it too late for me to start loving you now?

88、我对生命无悔，奈何心中有愧，只要不死……誓将RMB一赚到底！
88. I have no regrets in my life, but I feel guilty in my heart. As long as I’m not dead… I will make money until the end!

89、你以为我会眼睁睁看着你去送死吗？我会闭上眼睛的。 摘自：情感语录    www.yuluju.com  
89. Do you think I would watch you die? I would close my eyes.

90、活着，以死的姿态……
90. Living, in the posture of death…

91、如果每个女朋友用一个字来代替的话，我的情史可以写一部长篇小说了。
91. If each girlfriend could be replaced by a single word, my love history could be written as a long novel.

92、人生上半场22年，拒人3次，被拒2次，目前3：2领先……
92. In the first 22 years of life, I rejected 3 people and was rejected 2 times. Currently, I’m leading 3-2…

93、最浪漫的三个字不是“我爱你”，而是“在一起”。
93. The most romantic three words are not “I love you,” but “Together.”

94、叶子的离去，是树的不挽留，还是风的追求？
94. The leaves leave, is it because the tree doesn’t hold on, or because the wind pursues?

95、我们虔诚的祈祷：年终的奖金只多不少；领导动情的承诺：新年的工作只少不多。
95. We sincerely pray: the year-end bonus will only be more, not less; the leader’s emotional promise: the work in the new year will only be less, not more.

96、老吾老以及人之老，妻吾妻以及人之妻。
96. Respect the elderly as well as others’ elders, and love your wife as well as others’ wives.

97、爱情是骗来的，感情是睡来的。
97. Love is gained through deception, and affection is gained through sleep.

98、搞好工作，教好学生，做好网站，当好写手，活好人生……
98. Do a good job, teach students well, manage websites well, be a good writer, and live a fulfilling life…

99、高中，我们忙得跟孙子似的，可还可以像SB一样开心；大学，我们闲得像SB一样，却找不回当孙子时的快乐…
99. In high school, we were busy like grandsons, but we could still be as happy as fools; in college, we were as idle as fools, but we couldn’t find the happiness we had when we were busy like grandsons.

100、刚上大学，我们怀着憧憬看了《奋斗》，当我们踟躇的时候，我们看了《我的青春谁做主》，就当我们即将豁然开朗的时候，一部《蜗居》把我们全拍死了。绝望中，我们看了《2012》，顿时淡定了。买什么房子啊，早晚要塌的！
100. When we first entered college, we watched “Struggle” with longing. When we hesitated, we watched “Who’s in Charge of My Youth,” and just as we were about to suddenly realize something, “Snail House” knocked us all down. In despair, we watched “2012” and suddenly became calm. Why bother buying a house? It will eventually collapse!