1、走投无路还走什么走，直接坐车啊。
1. If you’re out of options, just take a car instead of walking.

2、脱了衣服我是禽兽，穿上衣服我是衣冠禽兽！
2. Naked, I am a beast; clothed, I am a well-dressed beast!

3、睡眠是一门艺术，谁也无法阻挡我追求艺术的脚步！
3. Sleep is an art, and no one can stop me from pursuing my artistic endeavors!

4、上帝说要有光，我说我反对，于是，世界上有了黑暗。
4. God said let there be light, but I objected, and thus, darkness was created in the world.

5、男人靠征服世界来征服女人！女人靠征服男人来征服世界！
5. Men conquer the world to conquer women! Women conquer men to conquer the world!

6、自从我变成了狗屎，就再也没人踩到我头上。
6. Ever since I became dog feces, no one has stepped on my head.

7、男人膝下有黄金，我把整个腿都切下来了，连块铜也没找着！
7. There’s gold in a man’s knees; I even cut off my whole leg but couldn’t find a piece of copper!

8、读10年语文，不如聊一个月QQ。
8. Studying language for 10 years is not as good as chatting on QQ for a month.

9、如果朋友可以出卖，每个值五块的话，我也能发笔小财了。
9. If friends could be sold, and each was worth five dollars, I could make a small fortune.

10、师太，你就从了老衲吧！…很久很久以后…师太，你就饶了老衲吧！
10. Nun, just yield to me!… A long time later… Nun, please spare me!

11、小时候我以为自己长大后可以拯救整个世界，等长大后才发现整个世界都拯救不了我。
11. When I was young, I thought I could save the world when I grew up; but when I grew up, I realized the world couldn’t save me.

12、从猴子变成人需要成千上万年，从人变回猴子只用一瓶酒。
12. It takes thousands of years for a monkey to evolve into a human, but it only takes a bottle of alcohol for a human to devolve into a monkey.

13、我们可以躲开大家，却躲不开一只苍蝇。生活中使我们不快乐的常是一些芝麻小事。
13. We can avoid everyone, but not a single fly. It’s often the trivial matters in life that make us unhappy.

14、笨男人+笨女人=结婚；笨男人+聪明女人=离婚；聪明男人+笨女人=婚外情；聪明男人+聪明女人=浪漫爱情。
14. Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage; dumb man + smart woman = divorce; smart man + dumb woman = affair; smart man + smart woman = romantic love.

15、女人拥有无数个QQ号只为了调戏一个男人，男人常用一个QQ号上面加满各种各样的女人。
15. Women have countless QQ accounts just to tease one man, while men often use a single QQ account to add all kinds of women.

16、如果你问周围朋友词语，如果十个人，九个人说不知道，那么，这是一个机遇，如果十个人，九个人都知道了，就是一个行业。
16. If you ask friends about a word and nine out of ten say they don’t know, it’s an opportunity. If nine out of ten know it, it’s an industry.

17、与人交往的时候，多听少说。这就是，上帝为什么给我们一个嘴巴两个耳朵的原因。
17. When interacting with others, listen more and talk less. That’s why God gave us one mouth and two ears.

18、姐不是广场上算卦的，唠不出那么多你爱听的嗑。
18. I’m not a fortune teller in the square, so I can’t chatter as much as you’d like.

19、我要做个臭豆腐一样的男人，闻着臭吃着香，这叫内涵。
19. I want to be a man like stinky tofu - smelling bad but tasting good, which is called connotation.

20、我也不知道人为什么而活，所以我至今还活着。
20. I don’t know why people live, so I’m still alive to this day.

21、有人对你说，我家冲马桶都用矿泉水，你怎么回应？老子尿出来的都是皇家礼炮。
21. If someone says to you, “I even use mineral water to flush my toilet,” you can respond with, “Well, I only urinate Royal Salute (a high-end whiskey brand).”

22、现在的天气，自来水可直接泡方便面。
22. The current weather is so hot that tap water can be used to make instant noodles.

23、小三算什么，他充其量也只不过是个人。
23. A mistress is nothing; at best, she is just a person.

24、谢谢你，谢你大爷，谢你全家，谢你祖宗十八代。
24. Thank you, thank your grandpa, thank your whole family, and thank your ancestors from eighteen generations back.

25、心不跟爱一起走，说好就一宿。
25. If the heart doesn’t walk with love, it’s just a one-night stand.

26、新时代的女性，上的了厅堂，翻的了围墙，斗的了小三，打的了流氓，就是下不了厨房。
26. Modern women can enter the living room, climb fences, fight mistresses, confront hooligans, but they just can’t step into the kitchen.

27、幸福就好，不要晒出来，因为晒多了，迟早有一天会晒干的，所以低调。
27. Happiness is good, but don’t flaunt it, because if you expose it too much, it will eventually dry up. So, keep a low profile.

28、英雄不问出路，流氓不看岁数！
28. A hero doesn’t care about his origin, and a hooligan doesn’t care about his age!

29、我悄悄的来，悄悄的走，挥一挥匕首，不留一个活口。
29. I came quietly, left quietly, waved a dagger, and left no survivors.

30、生活真他（和谐）妈好玩，因为生活老他（和谐）妈玩我。
30. Life is really (censored) fun because it keeps (censored) playing with me.

31、世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
31. In this world, I only trust two people: one is me, and the other is not you.

32、不是我不想当淑女，是生活把老娘逼成了泼妇…
32. It’s not that I don’t want to be a lady; it’s just that life has turned me into a shrew.

33、我特别困的时候，道德标准也没有醒，老师们要小心了。
33. When I’m particularly sleepy, my moral standards haven’t woken up yet, so teachers should be careful.

34、总觉得，床吧，铺得太整齐，会有点安度晚年的意思。嗯，还是凌乱些，比较有朝气。
34. I always feel that if a bed is made too neatly, it gives off a sense of approaching old age. Well, it’s better to be a bit messy and full of vitality.

35、发呆这事儿，如果做的好就叫深沉。如果做的不好，那就很有可能睡着……
35. If you’re good at daydreaming, it’s called being deep. If not, there’s a high chance you might fall asleep…

36、夜深人静的时候，我常常问自己，当初决定来地球，到底是对是错。
36. In the dead of night, I often ask myself, was it right or wrong to decide coming to Earth?

37、有钱的时候说，钱是挣出来的。没钱的时候说，钱是省出来的。
37. When I have money, I say money is earned. When I don’t have money, I say money is saved.

38、我知道你没把我当个数，其实我压跟没把你放在眼里过。
38. I know you don’t take me seriously, but in fact, I’ve never even put you in my eyes.

39、物价与欧洲接轨，房价与月球接轨，工资与非洲接轨。
39. Prices are aligned with Europe, housing prices are aligned with the moon, and wages are aligned with Africa.

40、喜欢我的人都是好人。不喜欢我的人都是坏人。讨厌我的都不是人。
40. People who like me are good people. Those who don’t like me are bad people. Those who hate me are not even human.

41、下午去湖里游泳，突然下起暴雨，我赶紧潜进水里避雨。
41. In the afternoon, I went swimming in the lake, and suddenly a heavy rain started, so I quickly dove into the water to avoid getting wet.

42、夏天就是不好，穷的时候连西北风都没得喝。
42. Summer is not good, when you’re poor, you can’t even drink the northwest wind.

43、先别鄙视我，给你个号码牌，先排队，到你的时候再鄙视。
43. Don’t look down on me first, here’s a number card, get in line, and when it’s your turn, you can look down on me again.

44、我也曾青春逼人，可惜现在青春没了，就剩这么个逼人了。
44. I used to be youthful and impressive, but now my youth is gone, leaving only this impressive person.

45、我一直认为你很特别，只是没想到是这么特别的人渣。
45. I always thought you were special, but I didn’t expect you to be such a special scumbag.

46、只要你过得比我好，我就受不了。
46. As long as you live better than me, I can’t stand it.

47、只要瘦，什么都百搭，要是胖，什么都白搭。
47. If you’re thin, everything goes well together; if you’re fat, everything is in vain.

48、我现在是思想很东坡肉，情感却很椒盐排骨。
48. Now, my mind is like Dongpo pork, but my emotions are like pepper salt ribs.

49、我想做个温柔的人，只是温柔都被贬值了。
49. I want to be a gentle person, but gentleness has been devalued.

50、终于发现自己有了一个习惯，如果堕落也算是一种习惯的话。
50. Finally, I found that I have a habit: if falling into decay can be considered a habit.

51、众里寻她千百度，蓦然回首，那人依旧对我不屑一顾。
51. I searched for her thousands of times, suddenly looking back, she still disregards me.

52、拽什么拽，再拽，就把你踹到南极去和企鹅跳华尔兹。
52. What’s the point of showing off? If you keep showing off, I’ll kick you to Antarctica to dance the waltz with penguins.

53、我喜欢白天，因为白天能作白日梦。
53. I like the daytime because I can daydream.

54、做自己想做的事，别的，就让猪乱说去吧。
54. Do what you want to do, and let the pigs gossip.

55、昨晚我拿你的承诺去喂狗，第二天早上发现狗死了。
55. Last night, I fed your promise to the dog, and the next morning I found the dog dead.

56、醉过方知己蠢，爱过才懂傻帽。
56. Only after getting drunk can you realize your own stupidity; only after falling in love can you understand how foolish you are.

57、最近压力大，啃旺旺雪饼比别人啃烟还厉害…
57. Recently, the pressure is great, and I chew on Want Want Snow Cakes more fiercely than others smoke.

58、总觉得，床吧，铺得太整齐，会有点安度晚年的意思。嗯，还是凌乱些，比较有朝气。
58. I always feel that if the bed is too neatly made, it will have a sense of spending the twilight years in peace. Well, it’s better to be messy and more spirited.

59、装逼只是瞬间，不要脸那才是永恒！
59. Pretending to be cool is just a moment; shamelessness is eternal!

60、有一种态度叫有情犯贱，有一种状态叫没事找抽。
60. There is an attitude called affectionate humiliation, and there is a state called asking for trouble.

61、遇到你之前，我的世界是黑白的，遇见你之后，哇靠，全黑了。
61. Before I met you, my world was in black and white; after meeting you, wow, it’s completely dark.

62、原本想一口一口吃掉忧愁，不料却一口一口吃成胖子。
62. I wanted to eat my worries away one bite at a time, but instead, I became a fat person one bite at a time.

63、有人嫩得一掐就出水，我却怂得一掐就出鼻涕泡儿。
63. Some people are so young and tender that you can squeeze water out of them, but I’m so cowardly that I squeeze snot bubbles out when pinched.

64、月老，你是不是把我的红绳玩断了？
64. Yue Lao, did you break my red string by playing with it?

65、在东北，有一种运动叫滚犊子。
65. In Northeast China, there is a sport called “rolling犊子” (rolling little ones).

66、曾经有个女的想改造我，结果她在最后只拆了我的零件，却再也没跟我装上…
66. Once, a woman wanted to change me, but in the end, she only disassembled my parts and never reassembled them with me…

67、这世界上妖怪越来越多了，唐僧越来越少了。
67. There are more and more monsters in this world, and fewer and fewer Tang Sengs (Tang Priests).

68、直到遇见了你，我才知道恐龙其实是可以再次出现的。
68. It wasn’t until I met you that I realized dinosaurs could actually reappear.

69、有困难要上，没困难创造困难也要上。
69. If there are difficulties, face them; if there are no difficulties, create difficulties and face them anyway.

70、有没有暗恋我的人呢？暗恋我的你们别害羞呀，爱要大声说出来。
70. Are there any people who have a crush on me? Don’t be shy if you do; love should be spoken out loud.

71、现在的社会，插队都得排队。
71. In today’s society, you have to wait in line to cut in line.

72、我真想掐死现在懦弱心软的自己！
72. I really want to strangle this cowardly and soft-hearted self of mine!

73、先学会不生气，再学会气死人。
73. First, learn not to get angry; then, learn to anger others to death.

74、现在的孩纸真没礼貌，上课时老是不跟我讲话。
74. Nowadays, children are so impolite; they never talk to me during class.

75、现在的花心，是因为当初的比任何人都用心。
75. Today’s infidelity is because I was more dedicated than anyone else at the beginning.

76、现在的女人：后看，风调雨顺。前看，颗粒无收。
76. Today’s women: from behind, everything is fine; from the front, nothing is harvested.

77、我要像仙人掌一样坚强，还要学会扎坏人。
77. I want to be as strong as a cactus and learn to prick bad people.

78、只想优美转身，不料华丽撞墙。
78. I just wanted to turn around gracefully, but I ended up hitting the wall with a flourish.

79、以你的理解能力，我解释了你也不见得懂，所以，你继续渺茫吧。
79. With your comprehension ability, you may not understand even after I explain, so continue to be confused.

80、对不起，我无法把你忘记，也许你伤我很深，也许我爱你甚至爱我自己…记住，我爱你。
80. I’m sorry, I can’t forget you; maybe you hurt me deeply, or maybe I love you even more than I love myself… Remember, I love you.

81、感谢所有陪我走到现在的人尤其感谢打算仍然硬着头皮陪我走下去的人。
81. Thank you to everyone who has accompanied me until now, especially those who still intend to stick with me stubbornly.

82、你看，这么多人，这么大的世界，我遇到了你，你也遇到了我，多好。
82. Look, with so many people and such a big world, I met you, and you met me, how wonderful.

83、用扯淡的态度，面对操蛋的人生。
83. Face the messed-up life with a casual attitude.

84、所谓的好学生只不过是做坏事没有被老师发现而已。
84. The so-called good students are just those who haven’t been caught doing bad things by teachers.

85、遇见喜欢的，就得主动犯个贱。
85. When you meet someone you like, you have to take the initiative to be humble.

86、理发师永远听不懂剪短一点点的概念。
86. Hairdressers never understand the concept of cutting a little shorter.

87、要不是打不过你，早就跟你翻脸了。
87. If I could beat you, I would have turned against you long ago.

88、胖子的心声：嘴里很享受，心里很想瘦。
88. The inner voice of a fat person: enjoying the taste in the mouth, but longing to be thin in the heart.

89、我爱你是真心话也是大冒险。
89. I love you is both a true confession and a big adventure.

90、对女人不好的男人，下辈子都投胎做卫生巾去！
90. Men who treat women poorly will be reborn as sanitary pads in the next life!

91、整夜整夜的干坐在电脑前面以某种等待的姿态发呆。
91. Sitting in front of the computer all night, waiting and daydreaming in a certain posture.

92、没有人陪你走一辈子，所以你要适应孤独；没有人会帮你一辈子，所以你要一直奋斗。
92. No one will accompany you for a lifetime, so you have to adapt to loneliness; no one will help you for a lifetime, so you have to keep fighting.

93、告诉你们一个鬼故事，马上就要开学了，苦逼的作业快涌过来了。
93. I’ll tell you a ghost story: school is about to start, and the miserable homework is coming soon.

94、你会慢慢发现那些说过陪你到老的一个个朋友都是一只只的狗。
94. You will gradually find that those friends who said they would accompany you until old age are just like dogs.

95、有时候不知道自己到底在硬撑什么但我知道我一直在为难自己。
95. Sometimes I don’t know what I’m holding on to, but I know I’ve always been making things difficult for myself.

96、无聊的最高境界，开着电脑，按着手机，望着电视。
96. The highest level of boredom: turning on the computer, pressing the phone, and watching TV.

97、更多的时候我们身边没有西瓜没有啤酒也没有爱的人。
97. More often than not, we have no watermelon, no beer, and no loved ones around us.

98、我一直以为，我没有对不住任何人，但现在我知道，我最对不住的，就是我自己。
98. I always thought that I hadn’t wronged anyone, but now I know that the one I’ve wronged the most is myself.

99、哥混到现在，拿得起，放得下的只有筷子。
99. I’ve been mixing around until now, and the only things I can pick up and put down are chopsticks.

100、据说，你流出来的眼泪，是你脑子里进的水。
100. It is said that the tears you shed are the water that entered your brain.