1、不怕虎一样的敌人，就怕猪一样的队友。
1. Fear not an enemy like a tiger, but a teammate like a pig.

2、走自己的路，让别人打车去吧。
2. Walk your own path, and let others take a taxi.

3、老鼠扛刀，满街找猫。
3. A rat with a knife, searching for cats everywhere.

4、只要功夫深，拉屎也认真。
4. With deep dedication, even defecating is taken seriously.

5、夏天就是不好，穷的时候我连西北风都没得喝……
5. Summer is not good, when I’m poor, I don’t even have the northwest wind to drink…

6、中国人谁跑的最快？是曹操（非刘翔）。因为说曹操曹操到。
6. Who runs the fastest in China? It’s Cao Cao (not Liu Xiang). Because when you talk about Cao Cao, Cao Cao arrives.

7、思想有多远，你就给我滚多远。
7. The farther your thoughts go, the farther you should get away from me.

8、只有在火车站大排长龙时，才能真正意识到自己是“龙的传人”。
8. Only when you see the long lines at the train station can you truly realize that you are a “descendant of the dragon.”

9、有情人终成家属。
9. Lovers eventually become family members.

10、春天来了，一群大雁正向北飞，一会儿排成B字型，一会儿排成T字型。
10. Spring is here, a flock of wild geese are flying north, forming a B-shape and then a T-shape.

11、在哪里跌倒吗，就在哪里躺下。
11. If you fall somewhere, just lie down there.

12、出问题先从自己身上找原因，别一便秘就怪地球没引力。
12. When there’s a problem, look for the reasons within yourself, don’t blame the lack of gravity for constipation.

13、驴是的念来过倒。
13. The donkey’s name is read backward.

14、吃自助最高境界：扶墙进，扶墙出。
14. The highest level of eating at a buffet: enter leaning on the wall, exit leaning on the wall.

15、虽然我长的不是很帅，但小时候也有人夸我左边鼻孔很偶像派。
15. Although I’m not very handsome, when I was a child, some people praised my left nostril as very idol-like.

16、没有钱，没有权，再不对你好点，你能跟我？
16. No money, no power, if I don’t treat you better, would you still be with me?

17、拿份报纸上厕所，俺是读书人。
17. Taking a newspaper to the toilet, I am a scholar.

18、女人一定要对自己好一点。一旦累死了，就会有别的女人花你的钱，住你的房，睡你的老公，打你的娃！
18. Women must be kind to themselves. Once you’re exhausted to death, another woman will spend your money, live in your house, sleep with your husband, and beat your child!

19、你的丑和你的脸没有关系……
19. Your ugliness has nothing to do with your face…

20、爷爷都是从孙子走过来的……
20. Grandfathers were once grandsons…

21、老天，你让夏天和冬天同居了吗？！生出这种鬼天气！
21. God, did you let summer and winter live together?! Creating this kind of weird weather!

22、鸟大了什么林子都有！
22. There are all kinds of forests for big birds!

23、不怕虎一样的敌人，就怕猪一样的队友。
23. I’m not afraid of tiger-like enemies, but I am afraid of pig-like teammates.

24、我拼命奔跑，却甩不开紧紧跟随的伤悲……
24. I run desperately, but I can’t shake off the tightly following sorrow…

25、人类是狗最好的伙伴。
25. Humans are a dog’s best friend.

26、找不到我喜欢的伞，我宁愿淋湿。
26. If I can’t find the umbrella I like, I’d rather get wet.

27、你飞翔的越高，在不能飞的人的眼中就显得越渺小。
27. The higher you fly, the more insignificant you appear in the eyes of those who can’t fly.

28、第一最好不相见，如此便可不相恋，第二最好不相知，如此便可不相思。
28. First, it’s best not to meet, so we won’t fall in love; second, it’s best not to know each other, so we won’t yearn for each other.

29、不做无聊之事，难度有生之涯。
29. Not doing boring things is difficult in one’s lifetime.

30、扛一面顶风的大旗，上写两个大字：好人！！
30. Carry a big flag against the wind, with two big characters on it: Good Person!

31、有些事情本身我们无法控制，只好控制自己。
31. There are some things we can’t control, so we have to control ourselves.

32、宁愿骄傲的孤单，也不委屈的喜欢。
32. I’d rather be proudly alone than like someone unwillingly.

33、猫步走向社会！
33. Strutting into society like a cat!

34、兄弟从前的情感生活，那也是颇为凌乱的。
34. My brother’s past emotional life was quite messy as well.

35、我花8万买了个西周陶罐，昨儿到《鉴宝》栏目进行鉴定，专家严肃地说：“这哪是西周的？这是上周的！”
35. I spent 80,000 on a Western Zhou pottery jar, and yesterday I took it to the “Appraisal” column for identification. The expert said seriously, “This is not from the Western Zhou period; it’s from last week!”

36、鱼说：“我时时刻刻把眼睁开是为了在你身边不舍离开。”水说：“我终日流淌不知疲倦是为了围绕你，好好把你抱紧。”锅说：“都他妈快熟了还这么多废话。”
36. The fish says, “I keep my eyes open all the time because I don’t want to leave your side.” The water says, “I flow all day without getting tired, just to be around you and hold you tight.” The pot says, “You’re almost cooked, and you still have so much nonsense.”

37、唐僧西行遇一女妖，观其乳丰臀肥，故欲行房事，女妖见状惊呼：长老！小女月经在身恐有行房不便！唐僧听罢双手合一道：阿弥陀佛，贫僧正为取经而来！
37. Tang Seng met a female demon on his journey westward. Seeing her ample breasts and plump buttocks, he wanted to have sex with her. The demon, shocked, cried out, “Master! I’m menstruating and might not be suitable for sex!” Tang Seng clasped his hands and said, “Amitabha, I’m here to fetch the scriptures!”

38、静坐常思己过，闲谈莫论人非，能受苦乃为志士，肯吃亏不是痴人，敬君子方显有德，怕小人不算无能。
38. Meditate often on your own faults, and don’t gossip about others’ wrongdoings. Being able to endure hardship makes you a man of character; being willing to suffer losses doesn’t make you a fool. Respecting gentlemen shows your virtue, and fearing villains doesn’t mean you’re incompetent.

39、有多少爱可以胡来！！
39. How much love can be reckless?!

40、始终没有沦为一个优秀的大学生，靠的就是坚强的品质！
40. I never became an outstanding college student, thanks to my strong character!

41、监狱不倒，我不学好！
41. The prison will not fall, and I will not learn the right way!

42、我要让全世界知道我很低调！
42. I want the whole world to know that I am low-key!

43、痴情的男人像谁不好非像我！
43. Why must a devoted man be like me?

44、我和疯子的区别在于我没有疯！
44. The difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad!

45、有笔有梦有肝胆，亦狂亦使亦温文。
45. With pen, dreams, and courage, one can be both wild and gentle.

46、年轻只有一次，青春不能重来。所以要百无禁忌、潇洒颠覆全世界——搞怪要彻底，破坏要有力，闯祸走专利，装乖走绝技，整人靠天份，被整看缘分。
46. Youth comes only once, and it cannot be relived. So, break all taboos and overturn the world with style – be thoroughly mischievous, have a strong destructive force, own the patents for causing trouble, master the skills of pretending to be good, rely on talent for playing pranks, and let fate decide if you get pranked.

47、卸无可卸的包袱，退无可退的道路，忍无可忍的眼泪，追无可追的前途。
47. When there are no burdens left to drop, no roads left to retreat on, no tears left to endure, and no future left to chase.

48、如果我在醒来前死去，我祈求上帝带走我的灵魂……
48. If I die before waking up, I pray to God to take my soul…

49、当蜘蛛网无情地查封了我的炉台，当灰烬的余烟叹息着贫困的悲哀，我依然固执地铺平失望的灰烬，用美丽的雪花写下：相信未来。
49. When spider webs mercilessly seal my stove, and the lingering smoke sighs the sorrow of poverty, I still stubbornly smooth out the ashes of disappointment and write with beautiful snowflakes: Believe in the future.

50、也许经过人生激烈的搏斗后，我死得比那湖水还要平静。那请去墓地寻找的我的碑文，上面仍刻着：热爱生命。
50. Perhaps after a fierce struggle in life, I will die as peacefully as the lake water. Then, go to the cemetery to find my epitaph, which still reads: Love life.

51、燃起的香烟中飘出过未来的幻梦，蓝色的云雾是挣扎过希望的黎明。而如今这烟缕却成了我心中的愁绪，汇成了低沉的含雨未落的云层。
51. The cigarettes I light reveal the illusions of the future; the blue mist is the dawn of struggling hope. But now, the smoke has become the sorrow in my heart, gathering into a low, rain-laden cloud.

52、还是干脆忘掉她吧，乞丐寻不到人间的温存，我清楚地看到未来，漂泊才是命运的女神。
52. Just forget her, for a beggar cannot find warmth in this world. I clearly see the future, and wandering is the goddess of fate.

53、人群中若你也有情意，请用眉目传递！
53. If you have feelings for me in the crowd, please convey them with your eyes.

54、同时绽放在夜空里的花火，看得到彼此美丽的时刻，我却无法照亮你的一生……
54. The fireworks that bloom in the night sky together can see each other’s beautiful moments, but I cannot light up your whole life…

55、装逼的男人最容易被感动，因为他们连感动都是装的。
55. Men who pretend to be cool are the easiest to move, because even their emotions are fake.

56、人要是无聊啊鼻涕泡都能拿来玩会。
56. When people are bored, they can even play with their own snot bubbles.

57、见到我以后你会突然发现原来帅，也可以这样具体呀！
57. After seeing me, you will suddenly realize that handsome can be so specific!

58、参加选美的那些女人，都找不到好男人，因为好男人都结婚了，比如我。
58. The women who participate in beauty contests cannot find good men, because good men are already married, like me.

59、如果领导下个月再不给我加薪，我就辞职，辞职前再给他送两条中华，抽死他。
59. If my leader doesn’t give me a raise next month, I will resign. Before resigning, I will give him two packs of Zhonghua cigarettes to smoke him to death.

60、如果猪都会飞了，谁还买飞机？骑着猪上天不就行了。
60. If pigs can fly, who would buy airplanes? Just ride a pig to the sky.

61、我的领带又找不到了，是不是你昨天又没有找到抹布？
61. I can’t find my tie again; did you not find a rag yesterday either?

62、在埃及，一个男人可以娶四个老婆，那得多累啊，还是中国好。
62. In Egypt, a man can marry up to four wives. How exhausting! China is better.

63、你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气是在受不了啊！
63. Let me kneel on the washing board instead; I can’t stand kneeling on the electric heater!

64、我就算是一只癞蛤蟆，我也决不娶母癞蛤蟆。
64. Even if I were a toad, I would never marry a female toad.

65、生活有时就像被太监强奸一样–反抗是痛苦，不反抗还是痛苦！
65. Life is sometimes like being raped by a eunuch - resisting is painful, and not resisting is still painful!

66、别惹我，否则我会让你死得很有节奏感。
66. Don’t provoke me, or I’ll make your death very rhythmic.

67、不是每句对不起，都能换来没关系。
67. Not every “I’m sorry” can be exchanged for “it’s okay.”

68、如果我做了皇帝，就封你当太子！
68. If I were an emperor, I would make you the crown prince!

69、获致幸福的不二法门是珍视你所拥有的、遗忘你所没有的。
69. The key to happiness is to cherish what you have and forget what you don’t have.

70、舌头比牙齿更长寿，软件比硬件更长久。
70. The tongue outlives the teeth, and software outlasts hardware.

71、保护自己，爱护他人，请不要半夜出来吓人。
71. Protect yourself and care for others; please don’t come out in the middle of the night to scare people.

72、鲜花往往不属于赏花的人，而属于牛粪。
72. Flowers often don’t belong to the赏花 (flower-appreciating) person, but to the cow dung.

73、世界上难以自拔的，除了牙齿，还有爱情。
73. In the world, things that are hard to extricate oneself from include both teeth and love.

74、08年8月8号结婚是个不错的主意。
74. Getting married on August 8th, 2008, is a good idea.

75、躺在床上看电视不如在看电视时上床。
75. Watching TV in bed is not as good as going to bed while watching TV.

76、给我一个支点，我把邻居那小子的汽车翘到沟里去，省得他见我就按喇叭。
76. Give me a fulcrum, and I’ll lever that neighbor kid’s car into the ditch, so he won’t honk at me when he sees me.

77、下辈子我还找你，因为除了我，你是最傻的。
77. I’ll still find you in the next life because, apart from me, you’re the silliest.

78、长个包子样就别怨狗跟着！
78. If you look like a bun, don’t blame the dog for following you!

79、如果说美貌是推荐信，那么善良就是信用卡！
79. If beauty is a letter of recommendation, then kindness is a credit card!

80、舌头比牙齿更长寿，软件比硬件更加长久。
80. The tongue outlives the teeth, and software outlasts hardware.

81、玩感情？我会让你哭的很有节奏。
81. Playing with emotions? I’ll make you cry in rhythm.

82、听见某个名字，想起某些事情，这个城市安静的让人心颤。
82. Hearing a certain name, recalling certain things, this city is so quiet that it makes one’s heart tremble.

83、如果说美貌是推荐信，那么善良就是信用卡！
83. If beauty is a letter of recommendation, then kindness is a credit card!

84、逆风的方向，更适合翱翔我不怕万人阻挡，只怕自己投降。
84. Against the wind, it’s more suitable for soaring. I’m not afraid of thousands of people blocking me, I’m only afraid of surrendering myself.

85、人的一生就象在拉屎，有时你已经很努力了可出来的只是一个屁。
85. A person’s life is like taking a dump; sometimes you’ve tried so hard, but all that comes out is a fart.

86、和人接触的时间越长，我就越喜欢狗，狗永远是狗，人有时候不是人！
86. The longer I interact with people, the more I like dogs. Dogs will always be dogs, but sometimes people are not human!

87、婚姻就像迷宫，盖婚姻的人自己就已经先迷路了。
87. Marriage is like a maze; those who build it get lost first.

88、开车无难事，只怕有新人。
88. There’s no difficulty in driving, only the fear of new drivers.

89、本无意与众不同，怎奈何品味出众。
89. I didn’t intend to be different, but my taste is outstanding.

90、彪悍的人生不需要解释。
90. A fierce life requires no explanation.

91、是金子总要发光的，但当满地都是金子的时候，我自己也不知道自己是哪颗了。
91. Gold will always shine, but when the ground is covered with gold, I don’t even know which one I am.

92、踏遍青楼人未老，请用汇仁肾宝。
92. Walking through the brothels without growing old, please use Huiren Kidney Treasure.

93、爷爷都是从孙子走过来的。  摘自：语录   www.yuluju.com
93. Grandfathers were once grandsons. From: Quotes www.yuluju.com

94、猪有猪的思想，人有人的思想。如果猪有人的思想，那它就不是猪了–是八戒。
94. Pigs have pigs’ thoughts, and humans have human thoughts. If pigs have human thoughts, then they are not pigs - they are Zhu Bajie.

95、买了电脑不上宽带，就好比酒肉都准备好了却在吃饭前当了和尚。
95. Buying a computer without broadband is like having food and wine prepared but becoming a monk before eating.

96、天上掉钞票我不会弯腰，因为天上连馅饼都不会掉，更别说掉钞票了。
96. I won’t bend over for falling banknotes, because even pie won’t fall from the sky, let alone banknotes.

97、你给我买10条烟总比我去一次夜总会划算吧。
97. You buying me 10 packs of cigarettes is more cost-effective than me going to a nightclub once.

98、其实我是一个天才，只可惜天妒英才！
98. In fact, I am a genius, but the heavens are jealous of talent!

99、偶尔幽生活一默你会觉得很爽，但生活幽你一默就惨了。
99. Occasionally making a joke about life can feel great, but when life makes a joke out of you, it’s terrible.

100、争吵的时候，男人和女人的区别像是步枪和机关枪的区别。
100. The difference between men and women during an argument is like the difference between a rifle and a machine gun.