1、我自横刀向天笑，笑完我就去睡觉。
1. I laugh with my sword against the sky; after laughing, I’ll go to sleep.

2、时间太瘦，指缝太宽。
2. Time is too thin, and fingers are too wide.

3、坐等丈母娘发货。
3. Waiting for my mother-in-law to deliver the goods.

4、男人赚钱后想和老婆离婚，男人赚不到钱老婆想和他离婚。
4. When a man earns money, he wants to divorce his wife; when a man doesn’t earn money, his wife wants to divorce him.

5、我们的目标：向钱看，向厚赚。
5. Our goal: focus on money, earn more.

6、我是你转身就忘的路人甲，凭什么陪你蹉跎年华到天涯?
6. I am just a passer-by you forget when you turn around, why should I accompany you through the years to the ends of the earth?

7、间歇性郁闷症发作期间，生人勿扰，熟人勿找。
7. During my intermittent depression attacks, strangers stay away, acquaintances don’t bother.

8、妈妈在也不用担心我的学习，一手拿着教科书，一手拿着打火机，那里不会点那里。
8. Mom doesn’t have to worry about my studies anymore; one hand holding a textbook, the other holding a lighter, if there’s something I don’t know, I’ll just light it up.

9、帅有个屁用！到头来还不是被卒吃掉！
9. What’s the use of being handsome? In the end, you’re still captured by a pawn!

10、如果你愿意一层一层一层的剥开我的心 你会发现我缺心眼。
10. If you are willing to peel my heart layer by layer, you will find that I am lacking wit.

11、车道山前必有路，有路我也刹不住。
11. There must be a way when the road is blocked by the mountain, but even if there is a way, I can’t stop.

12、药药切克闹，我说孙子你说到。
12. Medication, check, noise, I say grandson, you say go.

13、凭你那智商不要数星星，数月亮吧！
13. With your intelligence, don’t count the stars, just count the moon!

14、当生活心怀歹毒地将一切都搞成了黑色幽默，我顺水推舟把自己变成了一个受过高等教育的流氓。
14. When life maliciously turns everything into black humor, I went along with the flow and became a well-educated hooligan.

15、老师说，你们现在不好好学习，以后找对象就是填空题，现在好好学习，以后找对象就是选择题！
15. The teacher said, if you don’t study hard now, finding a partner in the future will be a fill-in-the-blank question; if you study hard now, finding a partner will be a multiple-choice question!

16、明月几时有，自己抬头瞅。
16. When will the bright moon appear? Just look up.

17、英雄不问出路，流氓不看岁数。
17. A hero doesn’t care about his origin, and a rascal doesn’t care about his age.

18、没有医保和寿险的，天黑后不要见义勇为……
18. If you don’t have medical or life insurance, don’t be brave and righteous after dark…

19、琴棋书画不会，洗衣做饭嫌累。
19. I can’t play musical instruments, chess, or paint, and I’m too tired to do laundry or cook.

20、说金钱是罪恶，都在捞;说美女是祸水，都想要;说高处不胜寒，都在爬;说烟酒伤身体，都不戒;说天堂最美好，都不去!
20. Say money is evil, but everyone’s grabbing it; say beauty is a祸水, but everyone wants it; say the heights are too cold, but everyone’s climbing; say cigarettes and alcohol are harmful, but no one quits; say heaven is the most beautiful, but no one goes!

21、挤公交是包含散打、瑜珈、柔道、平衡木等多种体育和健身项目于一体的综合性运动。
21. Taking the bus involves various sports and fitness activities such as Sanshou (Chinese kickboxing), Yoga, Judo, and balance beam, all in one comprehensive exercise.

22、老娘法眼一开就知道你是个妖孽了。
22. As soon as my old lady’s divine eye opens, I can tell you’re a demon.

23、手插口袋，谁都不爱。
23. Hands in pockets, don’t care about anyone.

24、路见不平一声吼，吼完继续往前走。
24. If you see injustice, shout out, and then continue walking forward.

25、没有不透风的墙，没有不能上吊的梁。
25. There’s no wall that can’t be breached, and there’s no beam that can’t be hanged from.

26、执子之手，将子拖走!子若不走，拍晕了继续拖走！
26. Holding your hand, I’ll drag you away! If you still refuse to leave, I’ll knock you out and keep dragging you!

27、个头大就一定厉害吗？恐龙不是照样灭绝了！
27. Does being big necessarily mean being powerful? Didn’t the dinosaurs still go extinct?

28、妈妈问我有男朋友了么,我说没有,妈妈说：这个可以有,我说：这个真没有……
28. Mom asked if I had a boyfriend, I said no, she said: “You can have one,” I replied: “I really don’t have one…”

29、理想很丰满，现实却很骨感。
29. Ideals are full and plump, but reality is very bony.

30、手拿菜刀砍电线，一路火花带闪电。
30. Holding a kitchen knife, chopping the electric wire, creating sparks and lightning all the way.

31、雷锋做了好事不留名，但是每一件事情都记到日记里面。
31. Lei Feng did good deeds without leaving his name, but he recorded every single act in his diary.

32、我又不是人民币，怎么能让人人都喜欢我？
32. I’m not a人民币 (RMB), how can I be liked by everyone?

33、令人不能自拔的，除了牙齿还有爱情。
33. Besides teeth, love is also something that can’t be easily escaped from.

34、我深信，会有一个男人是为受我的折磨而来到这世上的。
34. I firmly believe that there will be a man who was born just to endure my torment in this world.

35、父母忽悠孩子叫教育;孩子忽悠父母叫欺骗;互相忽悠叫代沟。
35. Parents deceiving their children is called education; children deceiving their parents is called deception; mutual deception is called generation gap.

36、别跟我谈感情，谈感情伤钱。
36. Don’t talk to me about emotions, talking about emotions hurts money.

37、爱是费尽心力地全身投入，然后再百转千回地抽身而出！
37. Love is putting in all your effort and then painfully extracting yourself after going through countless twists and turns!

38、情侣间最矛盾的地方就是幻想彼此的未来，却惦记着对方的过去。
38. The most contradictory thing between couples is to fantasize about each other’s future while being preoccupied with each other’s past.

39、还没来得及去沾花惹草，就被人拔光了。
39. Before I had the chance to flirt, I was already plucked clean by someone.

40、你有什么不开心的事?说出来让大家开心一下。
40. What’s the matter that makes you unhappy? Share it with us and make everyone happy.

41、我那么喜欢你，你喜欢我一下会死埃。
41. I like you so much, would it kill you to like me back?

42、虽然你身上喷了古龙水，但我还是能隐约闻到一股人渣味儿。
42. Although you’ve sprayed cologne, I can still faintly smell the scent of scum on you.

43、英雄难过美人关，我不是英雄，美人让我过了关。
43. A hero may find it hard to resist a beauty, but I’m no hero, and the beauty let me pass the checkpoint.

44、男人的大脑喜欢女人的内心，但是眼睛喜欢女人的外表。
44. A man’s brain likes a woman’s inner world, but his eyes like a woman’s appearance.

45、女人喜欢长得坏坏的男人,不是喜欢长坏了的男人。
45. Women like men who look bad, not men who are badly made.

46、咸鱼翻身，还是咸鱼。
46. Even if a salted fish turns over, it’s still a salted fish.

47、我又不是王子，为什么女孩遇见我总认为自己应该成为公主。
47. I’m not a prince, so why do girls always think they should become a princess when they meet me?

48、结婚就是给自由穿件棉衣，活动起来不方便，但会很温暖。
48. Marriage is like putting on a cotton jacket for freedom; it’s inconvenient to move around in, but it’s very warm.

49、知识就像内-裤，看不见但很重要。
49. Knowledge is like underwear; you can’t see it, but it’s very important.

50、人不犯我，我不犯人;人若犯我，礼让三分;人再犯我，我还一针;人还犯我，斩草除根。
50. If people don’t offend me, I won’t offend them; if they do, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt; if they continue to offend me, I’ll fight back; if they still offend me, I’ll eliminate them completely.

51、我允许你走进我的世界,但不许你在我的世界里走来走去。
51. I allow you to enter my world, but I won’t let you walk around in it.

52、明骚易躲，暗贱难防。
52. Open flirtation is easy to avoid, but hidden vulgarity is hard to guard against.

53、天没降大任于我，照样苦我心智，劳我筋骨。
53. Heaven didn’t give me a great mission, yet it still torments my mind and tires my body.

54、执子之手，方知子丑，泪流满面，子不走我走。
54. Holding your hand, I now see how ugly you are; tears streaming down my face, if you don’t leave, I will.

55、红豆不长南国，长我脸上了，真相思！
55. Red beans don’t grow in the south, but they’ve grown on my face; I miss them so much!

56、念了十几年书，想起来还是幼儿园比较好混！
56. After studying for more than ten years, I still think kindergarten was easier to get by!

57、我的优点是：我很帅;但是我的缺点是：我帅的不明显。
57. My advantage is that I’m handsome; but my disadvantage is that my handsomeness is not obvious.

58、我当年也是个痴情的种子，结果下了场雨……淹死了。
58. I used to be a devoted seed, but then it rained… and I drowned.

59、西游记告诉我们：凡是有后台的妖怪都被接走了，凡是没后台的都被一棒子打死了。
59. Journey to the West tells us: monsters with connections were all taken away, while those without connections were killed with a single blow.

60、我诅咒你一辈子买方便面没有调料包。
60. I curse you to never have seasoning packets in your instant noodles for the rest of your life.

61、小树不修不成材、小孩不打不成器。
61. A tree without pruning will not become useful timber, and a child without discipline will not grow up to be well-mannered.

62、单身并不难，难的是应付那些千方百计想让你结束单身的人 。
62. Being single is not difficult; the challenge lies in dealing with those who try every trick in the book to end your singlehood.

63、幸福是什么?幸福就是你吃鱼,我吃肉,看着别人啃骨头。
63. What is happiness? Happiness is when you eat fish, I eat meat, and we watch others gnaw on bones.

64、人生就像蒲公英，没事尽量少吹。
64. Life is like a dandelion; avoid blowing on it unnecessarily.

65、你的长相很提神。
65. Your appearance is quite refreshing.

66、我觉得世界上就只有两种人能吸引人，一种是特漂亮的一种就是你这样的。
66. I think there are only two types of people in the world who can attract others: those who are extremely beautiful and people like you.

67、再完美的身材，在不爱她的人的眼里，也是一种解调侃的作料。
67. No matter how perfect one’s figure is, in the eyes of someone who doesn’t love her, it becomes just a seasoning for teasing.

68、大女人不可一日无权，小女人不可一日无钱！
68. A strong woman cannot go a day without power, and a delicate woman cannot go a day without money!

69、不是我不笑，一笑粉就掉！
69. It’s not that I don’t smile; it’s just that when I do, my makeup falls off!

70、青春献给了房子，中年献给了孩子。
70. Youth is dedicated to houses, and middle age is dedicated to children.

71、我总在牛A与牛C之间徘徊。
71. I always hover between being extremely awesome and completely clueless.

72、空白是白色的吗？
72. Is emptiness white?

73、长得丑的女孩子我一般不甩她，但你是个例外。
73. I usually don’t pay attention to unattractive girls, but you are an exception.

74、不吃饱哪有力气减肥啊？
74. How can one lose weight without eating well first?

75、念了十几年书，还是幼儿园比较好混！
75. After studying for over a decade, I still think kindergarten was the easiest place to get by!

76、连广告也信，读书读傻了吧！
76. Believing in advertisements? You must have studied too much and lost your common sense!

77、爷爷都是从孙子走过来的.
77. Every grandfather was once a grandson.

78、没什么事不要找我，有事更不用找我。
78. Don’t contact me for no reason, and especially not when you have a problem.

79、男人没赚到钱时女人着急，男人赚到钱时女人后悔。
79. When a man doesn’t make money, women get anxious; when a man makes money, women regret it.

80、小时候，她父母始终相信女大十八变，丑小鸭会变白天鹅！长大后的某天，爸爸很专注地看着她，然后语重心长地说：“孩子，你还是用功读书吧…”
80. When she was young, her parents always believed that a girl would become more beautiful as she grew up, just like an ugly duckling turning into a swan. One day, when she grew up, her father looked at her intently and said earnestly, “My child, you should focus on your studies…”

81、想污染一个地方有两种方法：垃圾，或是钞票！
81. There are two ways to pollute a place: garbage or money!

82、谁说我白，瘦，漂亮，我就跟他做好朋友。
82. If anyone says I’m white, thin, and beautiful, I’ll be good friends with him.

83、房价越来越高，所以，好男人越来越少。
83. House prices are getting higher and higher, so good men are becoming fewer and fewer.

84、不怕虎一样的敌人，就怕猪一样的队友！
84. It’s not the enemy like a tiger that scares me, but the teammate like a pig!

85、拿份报纸上厕所，俺是读书人。
85. Reading a newspaper in the bathroom, I’m a scholar.

86、大学四年没有一个女生问过我路，今天第一次开宝马回母校办点事，结果一会功夫就有五个女生来问路。
86. No girl ever asked me for directions during my four years of college. Today, when I drove a BMW back to my alma mater for some business, five girls came to ask for directions in no time.

87、下辈子我还找你，因为除了我，你是最傻的。
87. In the next life, I’ll still find you because, apart from me, you’re the silliest.

88、女人拥有无数个QQ号只为了调戏一个男人，男人常用一个QQ号上面加满各种各样的女人。
88. Women have countless QQ accounts just to tease a man, while men often use one QQ account to add all kinds of women.

89、老婆看完几个我在大学交的女友照片后，一个劲地夸我不好色，555……
89. After my wife saw some photos of my college girlfriends, she kept praising me for not being lustful, 555…

90、小姑娘们梦中都想找一匹白马，睁开眼发现满世界都是灰不溜秋的驴，悲痛欲绝后，只能从驴群中挑个身强力壮的，这样的驴就被命名为：经济适用男 。
90. Little girls dream of finding a white horse, but when they open their eyes, they find the world is full of gray and unimpressive donkeys. In despair, they have to pick a strong and healthy one from the herd, and such a donkey is called an “economically suitable man.”

91、56、女人会为感情放弃事业，而男人会为了事业放弃感情；女人会被为了感情放弃事业的男人感动，但会留在为了事业放弃感情的男人身边！
91. Women may give up their careers for love, while men may give up love for their careers; women may be moved by men who give up their careers for love, but they will stay with men who give up love for their careers.

92、女人就像书架上的书，虽然你买了她，但在你买之前她多多少少被几个男人翻过。
92. Women are like books on a bookshelf; although you bought her, she has been flipped through by several men before you bought her.

93、男人和老婆的关系再差，他和岳母的关系也是好的；女人和老公的关系再好，她和婆婆的关系也是差的。
93. No matter how bad a man’s relationship with his wife is, his relationship with his mother-in-law is still good; no matter how good a woman’s relationship with her husband is, her relationship with her mother-in-law is still bad.

94、如果照镜子要上税，恐怕有些女人会破产。
94. If there were a tax for looking in the mirror, some women would go bankrupt.

95、人又不聪明，还学人家秃顶！
95. If you’re not smart, don’t try to be bald like others!

96、我宁愿你抱着别的女人想我，也不愿你抱着我想别的女人。
96. I’d rather you held another woman and thought of me than held me and thought of another woman.

97、QQ上多了，什么企鹅没见过？
97. After using QQ for so long, I’ve seen all kinds of penguins.

98、只要锄头舞的好，那有墙角挖不倒？
98. As long as you dance the hoe well, there’s no corner that can’t be dug down.

99、玫瑰真便宜，都可以送老婆了。
99. Roses are so cheap now, they can even be given to wives.

100、男人有外遇体现在工作越来越忙，女人有外遇体现在做的菜越来越咸。
100. When a man has an affair, he becomes increasingly busy with work; when a woman has an affair, the dishes she cooks become increasingly salty.