1、我是白领：今天领了薪水，交了房租水电，买了油米泡面，摸了口袋，感叹一声，这个月工资又白领了……
1. I’m a white-collar worker: Today I received my salary, paid the rent and utilities, bought oil, rice, and instant noodles, felt my pocket, and sighed, “This month’s salary is gone again…”

2、真的猛士，敢于直面自己未化妆的脸。
2. A true warrior dares to face their makeup-free face.

3、明骚易躲，暗贱难防。
3. Open flirtation is easy to avoid, but hidden vulgarity is hard to guard against.

4、天没降大任于我，照样苦我心智，劳我筋骨。
4. Heaven has not bestowed any great responsibility upon me, yet it still torments my mind and exhausts my body.

5、世事往往如此，想回头也已经来不及，即使你肯沦为劣马，不一定有回头草在等着你。
5. That’s often how things are; it’s already too late to turn back. Even if you’re willing to become a劣马 (inferior horse), there might not be any回头草 (grass to turn back to) waiting for you.

6、要努力！！为了你的奥迪我的迪奥。
6. Keep striving! For your Audi and my Dior.

7、我那么喜欢你，你喜欢我一下会死啊。
7. I like you so much, would it kill you to like me back just a little?

8、虽然你身上喷了古龙水，但我还是能隐约闻到一股人渣味儿。
8. Although you’ve sprayed cologne on yourself, I can still faintly smell a hint of scum.

9、我诅咒你一辈子买方便面没有调料包。
9. I curse you to never find seasoning packs in the instant noodles you buy for the rest of your life.

10、不吃饱哪有力气减肥啊。
10. How can you lose weight if you don’t eat enough?

11、再过几十年，我们来相会，送到火葬场，全部烧成灰，你一堆我一堆，谁也不认识谁，全部送到农村做化肥。
11. In a few decades, we’ll meet again, sent to the crematorium, all burned to ashes, you in one pile and me in another, no one recognizing anyone, all sent to the countryside as fertilizer.

12、学问之美，在于使人一头雾水；诗歌之美，在于煽动男女出轨；女人之美，在于蠢得无怨无悔；男人之美，在于说谎说得白日见鬼。
12. The beauty of knowledge lies in making one completely confused; the beauty of poetry lies in inciting men and women to cheat; the beauty of women lies in being foolish without regret; the beauty of men lies in telling lies that make ghosts appear in broad daylight.

13、我以为我很颓废,今天我才知道,原来我早报废了。
13. I thought I was decadent, but today I realized that I had already been scrapped.

14、善意的谎言：就是给自己的欺骗找一个很好的借口。
14. A white lie: A good excuse for self-deception.

15、父母忽悠孩子叫教育；孩子忽悠父母叫欺骗；互相忽悠叫代沟。
15. Parents fooling their children is called education; children fooling their parents is called deception; mutual fooling is called a generation gap.

16、我又不是王子，为什么女孩遇见我总认为自己应该成为公主！
16. I’m not a prince, so why do girls always think they should become princesses when they meet me?

17、女人喜欢长得坏坏的男人，不是喜欢长坏了的男人。
17. Women like men who look bad (naughty), not men who look worn out (in bad shape).

18、我们的爱情在这天夭折了，只为了让彼此有重生的机会。
18. Our love was stillborn on this day, just to give each other a chance to be reborn.

19、玩命：要在有命的情况下才能玩，命都没了，拿什么玩啊！
19. Playing with your life: You can only do that if you still have a life; if you’ve lost it, what’s left to play with?

20、探索的旅程不在于发现新大陆，而在于培养新视角。
20. The journey of exploration lies not in discovering new continents, but in cultivating new perspectives.

21、不成熟男人的标志是可以为了理想壮烈的牺牲，成熟男人的标志的可以为了理想卑贱的活着。
21. The sign of an immature man is that he can sacrifice himself heroically for his ideals; the sign of a mature man is that he can live a despicable life for his ideals.

22、生活就像宋祖德的嘴，你永远都不知道下一个倒霉的会是谁。
22. Life is like Song Zude’s mouth; you never know who will be the next victim.

23、阳光温热，岁月静好，你还不来，我怎敢老去？
23. The sun is warm, the years are peaceful, and I dare not age until you come.

24、曾经我们都以为自己可以为爱情死，其实爱情死不了人，它只会在最疼的地方扎上一针，然后我们欲哭无泪，我们辗转反侧，我们久病成医，我们百炼成钢。
24. Once we all thought we could die for love. In fact, love doesn’t kill people. It just stabs the most painful spot, leaving us tearless, tossing and turning, becoming experienced in love, and tempered into steel.

25、我不是天桥上算命的，唠不出那么多你爱听的磕。
25. I’m not a fortune teller on the bridge; I can’t talk about so many things you like to hear.

26、曾经和朋友一起仰望星空，随之我们泪流满面，他是因为失恋，我则是因为扭伤了脖子。
26. Once, I looked up at the starry sky with a friend, and we both shed tears. He cried because of a broken heart, while I did because of a twisted neck.

27、其实你我都一样，人人都在装，关键是要装像了，装圆了，有一个门槛，装成了就迈进去，成为传说中的性情中人，没装好，就卡在那里了。就是卡门。
27. In fact, you and I are the same; everyone is pretending. The key is to pretend well and roundly. There’s a threshold; if you succeed, you step in and become the legendary person of character. If not, you get stuck. That’s Carmen.

28、人不犯我，我不犯人；人若犯我，礼让三分；人再犯我，我还一针；人还犯我，斩草除根。
28. If people don’t offend me, I won’t offend them; if they do, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt; if they continue, I’ll retaliate; if they persist, I’ll eliminate them completely.

29、我允许你走进我的世界,但不许你在我的世界里走来走去。
29. I allow you to enter my world, but I forbid you from walking around in it.

30、执子之手，方知子丑，泪流满面，子不走我走。
30. Holding your hand, I realize how ugly you are. In tears, if you don’t leave, I will.

31、红豆不长南国，长我脸上了，真相思！
31. The red beans don’t grow in the southern land; they grow on my face. How I miss them!

32、我深信，会有一个男人是为受我的折磨而来到这世上的。
32. I firmly believe that there is a man who came to this world just to endure my torment.

33、西游记告诉我们：凡是有后台的妖怪都被接走了，凡是没后台的都被一棒子打死了。
33. Journey to the West tells us: all the monsters with connections were taken away, and those without were killed with a single blow.

34、妈妈问我有男朋友了么,我说没有,妈妈说：这个可以有,我说：这个真没有……
34. My mom asked if I had a boyfriend, I said no, she said: “That’s possible,” I said: “It’s really not…”

35、理想很丰满，现实却很骨感。
35. Ideals are plump, but reality is very bony.

36、小姑娘们梦中都想找一匹白马，睁开眼发现满世界都是灰不溜秋的驴，悲痛欲绝后，只能从驴群中挑个身强力壮的，这样的驴就被命名为：经济适用男 。
36. Little girls dream of finding a white horse, but when they open their eyes, they find the world is full of gray donkeys. After grieving, they can only choose a strong one from the herd, and such a donkey is called an “economical and practical man.”

37、我就要哭，我就要闹，一宿一宿不睡觉，手里拿瓶安眠药，拿根小绳要上吊。再丑也要谈恋爱，谈到世界充满爱。
37. I will cry, I will make a fuss, staying up all night, holding a bottle of sleeping pills, and a rope to hang myself. No matter how ugly, I must fall in love, until the world is full of love.

38、我们的目标：向钱看，向厚赚。
38. Our goal: to look forward to money, and earn more.

39、叹气是最浪费时间的事情，哭泣是最浪费力气的行径。
39. Sighing is the most time-consuming thing, and crying is the most exhausting act.

40、男人的大脑喜欢女人的内心，但是眼睛喜欢女人的外表。
40. A man’s brain likes a woman’s heart, but his eyes like her appearance.

41、咸鱼翻身，还是咸鱼。
41. A salted fish turns over, but it’s still a salted fish.

42、我可以选择放弃，但不能放弃选择。
42. I can choose to give up, but I can’t give up the choice.

43、雷锋做了好事不留名，但是每一件事情都记到日记里面。
43. Lei Feng did good deeds without leaving his name, but he recorded every single act in his diary.

44、我又不是人民币，怎么能让人人都喜欢我？！
44. I’m not a yuan, how can I make everyone like me?

45、令人不能自拔的，除了牙齿还有爱情。
45. What’s irresistible, besides teeth, is love.

46、当生活心怀歹毒地将一切都搞成了黑色幽默，我顺水推舟把自己变成了一个受过高等教育的流氓。
46. When life viciously turns everything into dark humor, I went along with it and became a well-educated hooligan.

47、时间太瘦，指缝太宽。
47. Time is too thin, and the fingers are too wide.

48、作为失败的典型，你实在是太成功了。
48. As a typical failure, you are too successful.

49、老板用你的时候你就是人才，不用你的时候就变成裁人！
49. When the boss needs you, you are a talent; when not needed, you become the one to be laid off!

50、情侣间最矛盾的地方就是幻想彼此的未来，却惦记着对方的过去。
50. The most contradictory thing between couples is to fantasize about each other’s future while dwelling on each other’s past.

51、你发怒一分钟，便失去60秒的幸福。
51. If you get angry for one minute, you lose 60 seconds of happiness.

52、忙碌是一种幸福，让我们没时间体会痛苦；奔波是一种快乐，让我们真实的感受生活；疲惫是一种享受，让我们无暇空虚。
52. Being busy is a kind of happiness, as it leaves no time to feel pain; being on the go is a joy, as it allows us to truly experience life; exhaustion is an enjoyment, as it leaves no time for emptiness.

53、生活就像”呼吸“，”呼“是为了出一口气，”吸“是为了争一口气。
53. Life is like “breathing”; “exhaling” is to let out a breath, and “inhaling” is to fight for another breath.

54、知识就像内裤，看不见但很重要。
54. Knowledge is like underwear, invisible but essential.

55、幸福是个比较级，要有东西垫底才感觉得到。
55. Happiness is a comparative degree; you need something to compare it with to feel it.

56、一句”拿着“胜过两句”我会给你的“。
56. One “take it” is better than two “I’ll give it to you.”

57、做与不做的最大区别是：后者拥有对前者的评论权。
57. The biggest difference between doing and not doing is that the latter has the right to comment on the former.

58、当男人遇见女人，从此只有纪念日，没有独立日。
58. When men meet women, there are only anniversaries, no more independence days.

59、闭上眼睛，我看到了我的前途……
59. Close my eyes, and I see my future…

60、我是你转身就忘的路人甲，凭什么陪你蹉跎年华到天涯？
60. I’m just a passerby you’ll forget as soon as you turn around; why should I accompany you through the vicissitudes of life to the ends of the earth?

61、间歇性郁闷症发作期间，生人勿扰，熟人勿找。
61. During episodes of intermittent depression, no strangers allowed, and friends stay away.

62、没有医保和寿险的，天黑后不要见义勇为……
62. If you don’t have medical or life insurance, don’t act bravely after dark…

63、琴棋书画不会，洗衣做饭嫌累。
63. I can’t play musical instruments or write calligraphy, and I find washing clothes and cooking tiring.

64、说金钱是罪恶，都在捞；说美女是祸水，都想要；说高处不胜寒，都在爬；说烟酒伤身体，都不戒；说天堂最美好，都不去！
64. People say money is evil, but everyone’s trying to make more; they say beauty is a curse, but everyone wants it; they say the higher you go, the colder it gets, but everyone’s still climbing; they say smoking and drinking are harmful, but no one quits; they say heaven is the most beautiful, but no one’s going there!

65、挤公交是包含散打、瑜珈、柔道、平衡木等多种体育和健身项目于一体的综合性运动。
65. Squeezing onto a bus involves various sports and fitness activities such as boxing, yoga, judo, and balance beam, all in one comprehensive exercise.

66、老娘法眼一开就知道你是个妖孽了。
66. As soon as my third eye opens, I can tell you’re a demon.

67、手插口袋，谁都不爱 。
67. Hands in pockets, not in love with anyone.

68、手拿菜刀砍电线，一路火花带闪电。
68. Holding a kitchen knife to chop the electric wire, sparks and lightning all the way.

69、单身并不难，难的是应付那些千方百计想让你结束单身的人 。
69. Being single is not difficult; the hard part is dealing with those who try every means to end your singlehood.

70、幸福是什么?幸福就是你吃鱼,我吃肉,看着别人啃骨头。
70. What is happiness? Happiness is when you eat fish, I eat meat, and we watch others gnaw on bones.

71、念了十几年书，想起来还是幼儿园比较好混！
71. After studying for over a decade, I still think kindergarten was the easiest to get by.

72、人又不聪明，还学别人秃顶。
72. Not being smart, yet trying to imitate others’ baldness.

73、执子之手，将子拖走。子说不走，好吧，关门放狗！
73. Holding your hand, I’ll drag you away. You say you won’t leave, alright, then I’ll close the door and let the dog out!

74、生活,就是这样、永远占领着绝对领导的位置,当无数的傻子高呼着自己控制了生活,掌握了命运、却没看到,生活在更高的苍穹上、露出讥笑的嘲讽的面孔。
74. Life is like this: always occupying the absolute leading position. As countless fools proclaim they have taken control of life and destiny, they don’t see life towering above them, revealing a mocking and sarcastic face.

75、他就是一盆水，倒入你的米堆里，若干年后，清水变成了醇香的酒，而你变成了一堆废弃的烂米，不是没用了，还可以拿来喂猪的。
75. He is like a basin of water poured into your pile of rice. After several years, the clear water turns into fragrant wine, while you become a pile of discarded rotten rice. It’s not useless; it can still be used to feed pigs.

76、不愿做奴隶的人民，愿做人民币的奴隶。 摘自：www.yuluju.com  语录大全
76. People unwilling to be slaves, yet willing to be slaves to the Renminbi. From: www.yuluju.com - Quotations Collection

77、诸葛亮出山前也没带过兵啊，你们凭啥要我有工作经验。
77. Zhuge Liang didn’t lead troops before he came out of the mountains; why do you expect me to have work experience?

78、用嘻哈的蓝调精神来过二胡一样的生活。
78. Living a life like playing the erhu with a hip-hop blues spirit.

79、我的优点是：我很帅；但是我的缺点是：我帅的不明显。
79. My advantage is that I’m handsome, but my disadvantage is that my handsomeness is not obvious.

80、我当年也是个痴情的种子，结果下了场雨……淹死了。
80. I used to be a passionate seed, but then it rained… and I drowned.

81、很多人说婚姻是爱情的坟墓，但是能够入土为安的爱情总比暴尸街头要好 。
81. Many people say that marriage is the grave of love, but a love that can rest in peace is better than one left exposed on the streets.

82、有空学风水去，死后占个好墓也算弥补了生前买不起好房的遗憾
82. If I have time, I’ll learn Feng Shui, so that even if I can’t afford a good house in life, at least I can have a good grave after death.

83、据说，人只有两个选择，忙着死或是忙着活，我想我有了第三种选择：忙着等死 。
83. It is said that people only have two choices: being busy dying or being busy living. I think I have a third choice: being busy waiting to die.

84、春困夏乏秋无力，冬日正好眠。
84. Tired in spring, exhausted in summer, weak in autumn, and just right for sleep in winter.

85、思念不能自已，痛苦不能自理，结果不能自取，幸福不能自予。
85. Missing cannot be controlled, pain cannot be taken care of, results cannot be chosen, and happiness cannot be given.

86、小时候我以为自己长大后可以拯救整个世界，等长大后才发现整个世界都拯救不了我。
86. When I was young, I thought I could save the whole world when I grew up. But when I grew up, I found out that the whole world couldn’t save me.

87、如果你注定不能给予我期待的回应、那么就保持在安全距离之外吧。
87. If you are destined not to give me the response I expect, then please stay out of my safe distance.

88、请不要把我对你的容忍，当成你不要脸的资本。
88. Please don’t take my tolerance of you as your shameless capital.

89、女子无才便是德，我一定是太缺德了。
89. A woman without talent is virtuous; I must be extremely lacking in virtue.

90、鸵鸟的幸福，只是一堆沙子。
90. The happiness of an ostrich is just a pile of sand.

91、老天，太蓝！大海，太咸！人生，太难！工作，太烦！和你，有缘！想你，失眠！见你，太远！
91. God, too blue! The sea, too salty! Life, too difficult! Work, too annoying! With you, fate! Missing you, insomnia! Seeing you, too far!

92、一觉醒来，天都黑了。
92. Wake up and the sky is dark.

93、喝药递瓶，上吊给绳，跳楼的挥着小手绢送行。
93. Hand over the bottle when taking medicine, provide a rope when hanging oneself, and wave a handkerchief to see off those jumping off the building.

94、铁杵能磨成针，但木杵只能磨成牙签，材料不对，再努力也没用。
94. An iron pestle can be ground into a needle, but a wooden pestle can only be ground into a toothpick. If the material is wrong, no amount of effort will help.

95、傻子偷乞丐的钱包，被瞎子看到了，哑巴大吼一声，把聋子吓了一跳，驼子挺身而出，瘸子飞起一脚，通辑犯要拉他去公安局，麻子说，看我的面子算了。
95. A fool steals a beggar’s wallet, which is seen by a blind man. A mute shouts, startling a deaf man. A hunchback stands up, a cripple kicks, and a wanted criminal wants to take him to the police station. A man with a pockmarked face says, “Let it go for my sake.”

96、你要搞清楚自己人生的剧本——不是你父母的续集，不是你子女的前传，更不是你朋友的外篇。
96. You need to figure out the script of your own life – it’s not a sequel to your parents’ lives, not a prequel to your children’s lives, and certainly not a spin-off of your friends’ lives.

97、树愈静而风不止，我愈恋而他不在。
97. The tree becomes still, but the wind does not stop; I am in love, but he is not here.

98、多想某天醒来睁开眼，发现自己坐在小学教室的课桌椅上。老师掷来的粉笔头正好打在额头上。
98. I wish that one day I could wake up and find myself sitting at a primary school desk. A chalk thrown by the teacher hits my forehead just right.

99、少年不胡作妄为，大胆放肆，试问老年时哪来的题材话当年。
99. If a young man doesn’t act recklessly and boldly, where will he find the stories to reminisce about in his old age?

100、作为一个怪兽，我的愿望是至少消灭一个奥特曼。
100. As a monster, my wish is to at least defeat an Ultraman.