1.唾沫是用来数钞票的不是用来讲理的。
1. Spit is for counting money, not for reasoning.
2.跟我打赌，不是看你要什么，而是看我有什么……
2. Betting with me is not about what you want, but what I have…
3.你每天都和他们聊到半夜，他们哪有时间创造人类呢？
3. You chat with them until midnight every day; when do they have time to create human beings?
4.我肯定会被砍成薯片的。
4. I’m definitely going to be chopped into potato chips.
5.人生如戏，爱的是一个，结婚生子的又是另一个。很正常。
5. Life is like a drama; you love one person, but marry another. It’s normal.
6.彪悍的人生是不需要解释的。
6. A fierce life doesn’t need any explanation.
7.月老啊！您能不要用山寨劣质的红绳给我牵姻缘？隔三差五断啊。
7. Matchmaker, can you please not use counterfeit red strings to tie my marriage? They break every now and then.
8.何文轩曾对李清远说过一句话：你之所以还不是GAY，是因为还没遇到让你心动的男人。
8. He Wenxuan once said to Li Qingyuan: The reason you’re not gay is that you haven’t met a man who makes your heart race.
9.呸！我耳朵都竖起来了，你就给我听这个？”
9. Ptui! I’ve pricked up my ears, and this is what you give me to listen to?”
10.我无法拉伸生命的长度，但是我可以拓展生命的宽度。我胖了才显得你瘦，免得我瘦的时候显得你丑。
10. I can’t stretch the length of my life, but I can expand its width. I gain weight to make you look thinner, so that when I’m thin, I don’t make you look ugly.
11.我的读书生涯仅仅能做的两件事就是看学霸秀成绩，看情侣秀恩爱。
11. The only two things I can do during my school years are watch top students show off their grades and watch couples show off their love.
12.众里寻她千百度，踏平脚下路。蓦然回首细环顾，大婶大娘无数。偶有美女光顾，还是有夫之妇，余下大多数，基本不堪入目。
12. Searching for her among the crowd, treading on the path beneath my feet. Suddenly looking back and scanning around, there are countless aunts and matrons. Occasionally, a beautiful woman passes by, but she’s already married. Most of the rest are simply unbearable to look at.
13.有个老太太都在缸里蹲半天了，多点时间让她透透气吧。
13. An old lady has been squatting in the jar for half a day; give her more time to catch her breath.
14.唱歌给我听，开心了就让你走。
14. Sing for me, and if I’m happy, I’ll let you go.
15.在我尿频的时候你还在嘲笑我。
15. You’re still making fun of me while I’m suffering from frequent urination.
16.有些事，有些人，有些风景，一旦入眼入心，即便刹那，也是永恒。
16. Some things, some people, some landscapes, once they enter your eyes and heart, even for a moment, they become eternal.
17.如果你是一个胖纸，记住不要围红色的围巾。不然你会很像QQ。
17. If you’re a chubby person, remember not to wear a red scarf. Otherwise, you’ll look like QQ.
18.女施主，贫僧修为尚浅，还不能隔衣为你疗伤，得罪了。
18. Female benefactor, my cultivation is still shallow, and I cannot heal your wounds through your clothes. I apologize.
19.你等着吧，总有一天我会让你成为我未来儿子的妈妈。
19. Just you wait, one day I’ll make you the mother of my future son.
20.人活着是为什么？就为了那一张张伟大的毛爷爷。
20. What is the purpose of living? It’s all for those great Chairman Mao notes.
21.逃得了和尚，逃不了方丈。
21. You can run away from a monk, but you can’t escape the abbot.
22.现在生米都已经煮成稀饭了。
22. The raw rice has already been cooked into porridge.
23.好男人就是我我就是曾小贤。
23. A good man is me, and I am Zeng Xiaoxian.
24.你今天晚上必须给我上线，否则，我就把你名字写到碑上去。
24. You must come online tonight, or else I will engrave your name on a tombstone.
25.说爱你，不一定是真的爱；说不爱你，那是真的一定爱过。
25. Saying I love you doesn’t necessarily mean true love; saying I don’t love you truly means I have loved.
26.阿弥陀佛，出家人不打诳语。女施主，你的确是贫僧自东土出行至今所遇的，最美丽、最性感的女子，你看你这秀发，这玉手，这肌肤，这手感……
26. Amitabha, monks do not tell lies. Dear lady, you are indeed the most beautiful and sexy woman I have encountered since I left the East. Look at your hair, your jade-like hands, your skin, and the touch…
27.我妈就生了我一个，你自己算算看我算老几呢。
27. My mother only gave birth to me, so you can figure out my rank.
28.无聊对着电脑唱忐忑，唱完之后，电脑突然死机了。
28. Bored and singing “Tantrum” to the computer, after singing, the computer suddenly crashed.
29.遗传学淡定地告诉我们：跨物种恋爱注定是没有好结果的。
29. Genetics calmly tells us: interspecies love is doomed to have no good result.
30.我想说我就一苦逼，世界末日的那天就是我的生日。
30. I want to say I’m just a miserable person, and the day of the end of the world is my birthday.
31.晚自习的时候考试，拿出手机搜答案，突然，老师把灯一关，我……亮了。
31. During evening self-study, I took out my phone to search for answers during an exam, suddenly, the teacher turned off the lights, and I… lit up.
32.不是我不想当淑女、而是这世界把老娘逼成了泼妇！
32. It’s not that I don’t want to be a lady, but the world has forced me to become a shrew.
33.我曾经跟一个人无数次擦肩而过，衣服都擦破了，也没擦出火花。
33. I once passed by a person countless times, and my clothes were worn out, but no sparks were generated.
34.总感觉别人都是吃几口就饱了，而我是吃饱了还能再吃几口……
34. It always feels like others get full after eating a few bites, while I can still eat a few more after being full…
35.又帅又有车的，那是象棋。有钱又有房的，那是银行。
35. Handsome with a car, that’s chess. Rich with a house, that’s a bank.
36.看时间不是为了起床，而是看还能睡多久。
36. Looking at the time is not for getting up, but to see how long I can still sleep.
37.我一发怒，冬天就到了；冬天一发怒，我就变成秋裤男了。
37. When I get angry, winter comes; when winter gets angry, I become a man in long johns.
38.蓦然回首，你咋还没走。
38. Looking back suddenly, why haven’t you left yet?
39.恶人从不搞笑，恶人要抓紧时间做恶。
39. Evil people never make jokes, as they need to seize time to do evil.
40.恶人说：再说俺是恶人，俺就害死你!
40. The evil person says: If you call me an evil person again, I will harm you!
41.不管多大岁数的人类成员，在钱面前，一概年轻。
41. Regardless of age, human beings are all young in the face of money.
42.鸭子太嚣张，兔子太多嘴，我是猪，我很乖。
42. Ducks are too arrogant, rabbits talk too much, I am a pig, and I am well-behaved.
43.禽兽尚且有半点怜悯之心，而我一点也没有，所以我不是禽兽。
43. Even animals have a bit of compassion, but I don’t have any, so I am not an animal.
44.我家的金鱼今早淹死了。
44. My goldfish drowned this morning.
45.所谓网虫，就是在杂志上看到下划线也想用鼠标去点。
45. So-called netizens are those who want to click on underlined text in magazines with a mouse.
46.娶老婆应是娶小绍，交朋友应是令狐冲，做男儿最好做乔峰，出来混还得韦小宝。
46. To marry, one should marry Xiaoshao; to make friends, one should make friends with Linghu Chong; to be a man, it’s best to be Qiao Feng; and to get by in life, one must be Wei Xiaobao.
47.如果有钱也是一种错，那我情愿一错再错。
47. If having money is also a mistake, then I would rather make the same mistake again and again.
48.男人的实力就是你兜里的人民币。
48. A man’s strength is the amount of RMB in your pocket.
49.你的话，我连标点符号都不信。
49. I don’t believe even the punctuation in what you say.
50.人生就像打电话，不是你先挂，就是我先挂。
50. Life is like making a phone call; either you hang up first or I do.
51.距离产生的不是美，是小三。
51. Distance does not create beauty, but rather creates the other woman (小三).
52.世界那么乱，装纯给谁看。
52. The world is so chaotic; who are you pretending to be pure for?
53.非诚勿扰女嘉宾再牛也就灭一个男的的灯，宿舍楼下阿姨能灭一整楼的!
53. Non诚勿扰 female guests can only extinguish one man’s lamp, while the aunt downstairs can extinguish an entire building’s lamps!
54.一直对发型不满意的人，有一个共同点:不肯承认这是脸的问题。
54. People who are always dissatisfied with their hairstyles have one thing in common: they refuse to admit that it’s a problem with their face.
55.我把所有的记忆串联成一部电影，一部悲剧就生产了。
55. I’ve strung all my memories together into a movie, and a tragedy has been created.
56.都说姐漂亮，其实都是妆出来的。
56. They say I’m beautiful, but it’s all thanks to makeup.
57.挨饿这事，干得好就叫减肥;掐人这事，干得好就叫按摩;发呆这事，干得好就叫深沉;偷懒这事，干得好就叫享受;死皮赖脸这事，干得好就叫执著;装傻这事，如果干的好，那叫大智若愚。
57. Starving can be called dieting if done well; pinching can be called massage if done well; daydreaming can be called deep thinking if done well; being lazy can be called enjoying life if done well; being shameless can be called persistence if done well; and pretending to be foolish, if done well, is called acting foolish to hide one’s wisdom.
58.友情就像花瓶一样，被人一捣鼓就碎了。
58. Friendship is like a vase, which shatters easily when tampered with.
59.内练一口气，外练一口屁。
59. Cultivate your inner energy and practice your outward demeanor.
60.能动手，就尽量别吵吵。
60. If you can take action, try not to argue.
61.能抗洪的尿布湿，才是真正的尿布湿！
61. A diaper that can resist floods is truly a real diaper!
62.你穿的很危险，但长得很安全。
62. You dress dangerously, but you look safe.
63.你信仰基督教，还是公鸡叫。
63. Do you believe in Christianity, or do you believe in the rooster’s crow?
64.你走你的阳光道，我走我的地下道。
64. You go your sunny way, and I’ll go my underground path.
65.天啦，我的衣服又瘦了！
65. Oh my, my clothes have shrunk again!
66.你真是个地道的美人啊。就是说你只有在地道里才算美人，因为地道里没灯。
66. You are such an authentic beauty. It means you’re only considered beautiful in the tunnels, as there are no lights there.
67.生是她的人，死是她的吉祥物。
67. In life, she is your person; in death, she is your mascot.
68.长大了要娶唐僧做老公，想宠幸就宠幸，不想玩了就把他吃掉。
68. When I grow up, I want to marry Tang Seng so that I can宠幸him whenever I want, and eat him when I get bored.
69.心中充满爱，看天下美女都是情人。
69. With love in my heart, I see all the beautiful women in the world as my lovers.
70.挤在北京，给首都添麻烦了……
70. I’m squeezed in Beijing, causing trouble for the capital…
71.我就像一只趴在玻璃上的苍蝇，前途一片光明，而我却找不到出路。
71. I’m like a fly stuck on a glass window – the future is bright, but I can’t find a way out.
72.大家都说我是个演员，是因为我一看见漂亮MM眼就圆……
72. Everyone says I’m an actor because my eyes go round whenever I see a pretty girl…
73.我床上的不知道是谁媳妇，我媳妇不知道在谁的床上！
73. I don’t know whose wife is in my bed, and I don’t know whose bed my wife is in!
74.出问题先从自己身上找原因，别一便秘就怪地球没引力。
74. When there’s a problem, look for reasons within yourself, don’t blame the lack of gravity on Earth just because you have constipation.
75.也因寂寞难耐，谈过几次恋爱。谁知屡战屡败，轻轻松松被踹！
75. Also, due to unbearable loneliness, I’ve had a few relationships. But I lost every time and was easily dumped!
76.白天瞎JB忙，晚上JB瞎忙。
76. Busy all day long for nothing, and busy at night for nothing as well.
77.做一个徘徊在牛A和牛C之间的人。
77. Be a person徘徊在 between awesome (牛A) and awesomer (牛C).
78.问：“我的头像牛B吗？”答：“像！
78. Q: “Is my avatar awesome?” A: “Yes, it is!
79.老板，帮我理一个忧伤点的发型！谢谢！
79. Boss, please give me a hairstyle that looks more melancholic! Thank you!
80.脸皮怎么那么厚，让猪皮情何以勘。
80. How can your face be so thick, making even pig skin feel embarrassed.
81.在神经的人群里呆久了，我发现我正常了。
81. After spending time among neurotic people, I found that I became normal.
82.我们老板是小怪兽，我们是奥特曼。但我们见了老板就跑，因为我们没带召唤器。
82. Our boss is a little monster, and we are Ultramen. But when we see the boss, we run away because we don’t have the summoner.
83.生活中处处都有惊吓，你就是其中一个。
83. Surprises can be found everywhere in life, and you are one of them.
84.爷不是你的小浣熊，玩不出你的其乐无穷。
84. I’m not your little raccoon, unable to bring you endless joy.
85.我想说我就一苦逼，世界末日的那天就是我的生日。
85. I’d say I’m just a miserable person, and the day of the apocalypse is my birthday.
86.人活着是为什么？就为了那一张张伟大的毛爷爷。
86. What’s the purpose of living? It’s all for those great Chairman Mao notes.
87.长得丑不是你的错，你老实er的不行么，非得得瑟一下，让我们知道你是大哥。
87. It’s not your fault for being ugly. Can’t you just be honest? Do you have to show off and let us know that you’re the boss?
88.吃货的人生就像一列火车，总结起来就是，逛吃，逛吃，逛吃。
88. A foodie’s life is like a train, which can be summarized as: shopping and eating, shopping and eating, shopping and eating.
89.诸葛亮出山前也没带过兵啊，你们凭啥要我有工作经验！
89. Zhuge Liang didn’t lead troops before he came out of the mountain, so why do you expect me to have work experience?
90.不要同没有素质的人争论，因为那就像与猪摔跤，赢了不光荣，输了更丢人。
90. Don’t argue with people who have no quality, because it’s like wrestling with a pig. Winning is not glorious, and losing is even more humiliating.
91.给我订两张去天庭的机票，我要亲自找月老，逼着他给我牵一条红线。
91. Book me two tickets to heaven, I want to find the Matchmaker myself and force him to tie a red thread for me.
92.每年夏天晒黑了，我总是会想“没事，冬天就修复好了”
92. Every summer, when I get tanned, I always think, “It’s okay, winter will fix it.”
93.遗传学淡定的告诉我们：跨物种恋爱注定是没有好结果的。
93. Genetics calmly tells us: interspecies love is doomed to have no good results.
94.烟熏装很美，让我成了众人举目的熊猫。
94. Smoky makeup is beautiful, but it makes me the panda that everyone looks at.
95.你矮是终身的，我胖却是暂时的。
95. Your short stature is lifelong, but my fat is temporary.
96.你说，哪天我不要你了，你一定终身不嫁，让我内疚。
96. You said that if one day I don’t want you anymore, you will never marry, making me feel guilty.
97.美女眼前过，不泡是罪过。
97. It’s a sin not to flirt with a beautiful woman passing by.
98.起的比鸡早，睡的比猫晚，赚的比秃子的毛还少。
98. I wake up earlier than a rooster and sleep later than a cat, earning even less than a bald man’s hair.
99.装成熟、是往老里打扮的行为。
99. Acting mature is an act of dressing old.
100.忽然发现自从我配了眼镜就不敢出门了。
100. Suddenly, I found that I dare not go out since I got my glasses.
1.好寂寞，连欲望都被我挣脱。
1. So lonely, even my desires have been broken free from me.
2.给我一双筷子。我可以吃掉整个地球。
2. Give me a pair of chopsticks. I can eat the whole Earth.
3.别烦我，再烦我，你一会就掉茅坑了。
3. Don’t bother me, or you’ll end up in the latrine in a moment.
4.别回头，哥恋的只是你的背影。
4. Don’t look back, what I’m in love with is just your back.
5.哥吸烟，是因为它伤肺，不伤心。
5. I smoke because it hurts my lungs, not my heart.
6.凡事皆有代价，快乐的代价便是痛苦。
6. Everything has a price; the price of happiness is pain.
7.当江湖有了传说，不满城风雨，是对不起观众的。
7. When the world has legends, it would be a shame not to have a storm in the city.
8.打死我也不说，你们还没使美人计呢！
8. I won’t tell you even if you kill me; you haven’t used the beauty trick yet!
9.大理石牌鞋垫，要脚不要脸。
9. Marble insoles, caring for your feet but not your face.
10.出来混，迟早会烦的。
10. When you’re in the game, you’ll get tired sooner or later.
11.打你就打你，还要挑日子吗？
11. To hit you is to hit you; do I need to choose a day?
12.打个小麻将，吃个麻辣烫。找个小对象，生活就这样。
12. Play a small mahjong, eat some spicy hot pot. Find a small partner, and that’s life.
13.在这个什么都涨价的时代里，我突然欣喜地发现，空气没有涨价，反倒是料越来越多了。
13. In this era of rising prices, I am delighted to find that the air has not increased in price, but the ingredients have become more and more.
14.迄今为止，三个苹果改变了世界:一个诱-惑了夏娃，一个砸醒了牛顿，一个握在乔布斯手里。
14. So far, three apples have changed the world: one tempted Eve, one awakened Newton, and one was held in Jobs’ hand.
15.现在北京只有呼吸和放屁不用排队了。
15. Nowadays, in Beijing, only breathing and farting don’t need to wait in line.
16.即使你已名花有主，我也要移花接木。
16. Even if you are already taken, I will still try to win you over.
17.鹅鹅鹅，曲项用刀割，拔毛加瓢水，点火盖上锅!
17. Goose, goose, goose, with a curved neck and a knife to cut; pluck feathers, add water, light the fire, and cover the pot!
18.国家为什么没有拿你的脸皮去研究防弹衣呢?
18. Why hasn’t the country used your脸皮 to research bulletproof vests?
19.莫非阁下就是当年华山论贱的智障大师养的小沙弥低能狗旺财踩死的屎壳螂层滚过的的一颗粪球?
19. Are you the little monk raised by the mentally challenged master from the Huashan Debate, the low-ability dog Wangcai who trampled on a dung beetle that rolled over a piece of dung?
20.你不是我脑袋里的交-警，无权干预我的走向
20. You are not the traffic police in my head; you have no right to interfere with my direction.
21.你的笑容比阳光下那坨狗屎还灿烂
21. Your smile is even more brilliant than that pile of dog feces under the sunlight.
22.那些总说别人装逼的人，你们连逼都不是。
22. Those who always say others are showing off, you are not even worth showing off.
23.我不恨你，因为我不想记住你。
23. I don’t hate you, because I don’t want to remember you.
24.孔子曰：西游记就是孙悟空念咒，唐僧发疯。
24. Confucius said: The Journey to the West is just Sun Wukong chanting spells, and Tang Seng going crazy.
25.别人笑我太淫荡，我笑他人不开放
25. Others laugh at me for being too indecent, but I laugh at them for not being open-minded.
26.对着电脑唱忐忑，唱完后，死机了。
26. I sang “Tantrum” to the computer, and after singing, it crashed.
27.想死，买了瓶农药，盖子上写——再来一瓶
27. I wanted to die, so I bought a bottle of pesticide, and the cap said - “One more bottle.”
28.鸵鸟的幸福，只是一堆沙子。
28. The happiness of an ostrich is just a pile of sand.
29.一觉醒来，天都黑了。
29. I woke up and it was already dark outside.
30.为什么一看书，就困呢？因为书，是梦开始的地方。
30. Why do I feel sleepy when I read a book? Because a book is where dreams begin.
31.好马不吃回头草，所以我一直不回头向前绕圈走，结果我又碰上那草了。
31. A good horse doesn’t eat the grass behind it; that’s why I keep walking forward without looking back, but I ended up running into that grass again.
32.其实，我有一个角度看上去很帅，只不过你们没有找到罢了。
32. In fact, there is an angle at which I look handsome, but you just haven’t found it yet.
33.友情不是靠酒喝出来的，但是可以用酒来回味！如果说你不装B的话咱们还可以做朋友。
33. Friendship is not built on drinking, but it can be reminisced with wine! If you don’t show off, we can still be friends.
34.三鹿和蒙牛告诉我们一个道理：畜生是靠不住的。
34. Sanlu and Mengniu teach us a lesson: Animals are not reliable.
35.我的兴趣爱好可分为静态和动态两种，静态就是睡觉，动态就是翻身…
35. My hobbies can be divided into static and dynamic. Static is sleeping, and dynamic is turning over…
36.你美中不足的是，就是有太多的不足了。
36. The only flaw in your beauty is that there are too many flaws.
37.车到山前必有路，哪怕山前拆车卖轱辘。
37. There must be a way when the car reaches the mountain, even if we have to dismantle the car and sell the wheels in front of the mountain.
38.在这低调的世界里，我不得不用高调来掩饰自己。
38. In this low-key world, I have to use high-profile to cover myself.
39.会演戏的不一定都是演员，会装的一定就是孙子。
39. Not all actors are good at acting, but those who pretend are definitely grandsons.
40.不听老人言，死在我面前，唔唔唔！
40. If you don’t listen to the elderly, die in front of me, uh uh uh!
41.在家不能对着手机笑，家长会以为你在恋爱。
41. Don’t laugh at your phone at home, or your parents will think you’re in love.
42.不管瘦的时候美成啥样，胖了之后都一个德行。
42. No matter how beautiful you are when you’re thin, once you gain weight, you all look the same.
43.黑夜给了我一双黑色的眼睛，可我却用它来翻白眼。
43. The night gave me a pair of black eyes, but I use them to roll my eyes.
44.我是个演员，一看见漂亮MM眼就圆。
44. I’m an actor, and my eyes widen when I see a pretty girl.
45.给我一个支点，我把邻居那小子的汽车翘到沟里去，省得他见我就按喇叭。
45. Give me a fulcrum, and I’ll lever that neighbor kid’s car into the ditch, so he won’t honk at me every time he sees me.
46.我还年青，需要指点。但是，不需要您对我指指点点…
46. I’m still young and need guidance, but I don’t need you pointing fingers at me…
47.请不要把我对你的容忍，当成你不要脸的资本。
47. Please don’t take my tolerance of you as your capital for shamelessness.
48.你匍匐在地上仰视别人，就不能怪人家站得笔直俯视你。
48. If you crawl on the ground and look up at others, you can’t blame them for standing straight and looking down at you.
49.下雨了，别忘了打伞，湿身是小，淋病就麻烦啦！
49. It’s raining, don’t forget to open your umbrella; getting wet is minor, but catching a cold would be troublesome!
50.活了二十多年，没能为祖国为人民做点什么，每思及此，伤心欲绝。
50. I’ve lived for over 20 years and haven’t done anything for the motherland and the people. Whenever I think about this, I’m heartbroken.
51.将薪比薪的想一下，算了，不想活了。
51. Comparing my salary to others’, forget it, I don’t want to live anymore.
52.所谓的单纯，长了翅膀的就是天使，没长翅膀的就是白痴。
52. So-called innocence, with wings, you’re an angel; without wings, you’re an idiot.
53.与其混，与其熬，不如二，不如飙。
53. Instead of loafing or enduring, it’s better to be second or go all out.
54.生活就像忐忑，没有准确的歌词，却惊心动魄。
54. Life is like “T忐忑”, without accurate lyrics, yet it’s thrilling.
55.起的比鸡早，睡的比猫晚，赚的比秃子的毛还少。
55. Wake up earlier than a rooster, go to bed later than a cat, and earn less than a bald man’s hair.
56.打个小麻将，吃个麻辣烫。找个小对象，生活就这样。
56. Play a small game of mahjong, eat some spicy hot pot. Find a small partner, and that’s life.
57.当江湖有了传说，不满城风雨，是对不起观众的。
57. When the world has legends, if it doesn’t shake the city with storm and rain, it’s对不起 the audience.
58.凡事皆有代价，快乐的代价便是痛苦。
58. Everything has a price; the cost of happiness is pain.
59.我是心眼小，但是不缺，我是脾气好，但不是没有！
59. I may have a small mind, but it’s not lacking. I have a good temper, but it’s not nonexistent!
60.你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
60. You might as well let me kneel on the washboard; I can’t stand kneeling on the electric heater!
61.女人一生最喜欢两朵花：一是有钱花，二是尽量花！
61. In a woman’s life, she loves two types of flowers: one is spending money, and the other is spending as much as possible!
62.两只鸳鸯同命鸟，一对蝴蝶可怜虫。
62. Two mandarin ducks share the same fate, while a pair of butterflies are pitiful creatures.
63.天上掉钞票我不会弯腰，因为天上连馅饼都不会掉，更别说掉钞票了。
63. If money falls from the sky, I won’t bend down to pick it up, because even pies don’t fall from the sky, let alone money.
64.是人都有阴暗面，如果你偏说你很单纯，那我只能说，你不是人！
64. Everyone has a dark side. If you insist on saying you’re innocent, then I have to say, you’re not human!
65.有时候，除了谎言是真的，其它全是假的！
65. Sometimes, the only truth is a lie, and everything else is fake!
66.鸳鸯戏水，都他妈淹死；比翼双飞，都他妈摔死！
66. Mandarin ducks playing in the water all drown; birds flying side by side all crash to the ground!
67.明星脱一点就能更出名，我脱的光光的却被抓起来了！
67. Celebrities become more famous when they reveal a little, but when I reveal everything, I get arrested!
68.暧昧就是我找你借钱，你没说借，也没说不借，而是只说你老公不在家……
68. Ambiguity is when I ask you for a loan, and instead of saying yes or no, you just mention that your husband is not at home…
69.俗话说：你笑，全世界都跟着你笑；你哭，全世界只有你一个人哭。
69. As the saying goes: when you laugh, the whole world laughs with you; when you cry, only you cry alone.
70.当我看见美女的时候，首先摸摸兜里，看看有没有钱！
70. When I see a beautiful woman, I first check my pocket to see if I have any money!
71.谁说我白，瘦，漂亮，我就跟他做好朋友。
71. If anyone says I’m white, thin, and beautiful, I’ll be their best friend.
72.洗澡中，请勿打扰，偷窥请购票，个体四十，团体八折！
72. Do not disturb during shower, peeping is allowed with a ticket, individuals 40, group discount 20% off!
73.师太，你等着，老衲去让佛祖赐婚！
73. Wait, my dear nun, I’ll ask the Buddha to bless our marriage!
74.我太纯洁了，我纯洁的都有些无耻了！
74. I’m so innocent that even I feel shameless about my purity!
75.穿潮了，潮过头就是非主流，穿性感，性感过头就是坐台的。
75. If you dress too trendy, it becomes non-mainstream; if you dress too sexy, it becomes like you’re a prostitute.
76.我的进步让他刮目相看，从此他失去了双眼。
76. My progress made him take a fresh look at me, and since then, he has lost both his eyes.
77.我说我比较喜欢李白的诗，陆游气坏了，然后我家就没法上网了。
77. I said I prefer Li Bai’s poetry, Lu You got angry, and then my home had no internet access.
78.心狠手辣的我，舔了一下自己的手指，被辣哭了。
78. As a ruthless person, I licked my own finger and cried because of the spiciness.
79.老师的教诲，小明没齿难忘，于是第二天，他镶了一副假牙。
79. The teachings of the teacher were unforgettable for Xiao Ming, so the next day, he got a set of dentures.
80.愚公临死前，把儿子叫到床前。愚公：移山移山!儿子：亮晶晶?愚公猝
80. On his deathbed, Yu Gong called his son over. Yu Gong: “Move the mountain, move the mountain!” Son: “Twinkle, twinkle?” Yu Gong passed away.
81.如果考试用QB做奖励，那么国家马上就会富强的。
81. If exams use QB as a reward, the country will become strong and prosperous immediately.
82.今天天气很好，在房间里宅久了，准备去客厅散散心。
82. The weather is nice today. After staying in the room for a long time, I’m going to the living room to relax.
83.提问：为什么暑假一定比寒假长?回答：因为热胀冷缩。
83. Question: Why is summer vacation always longer than winter vacation? Answer: Because of thermal expansion and contraction.
84.心情不好的时候，我就半夜给别人打骚扰电话，把他们吵醒了，我就睡觉。
84. When I’m in a bad mood, I make prank calls to others in the middle of the night. After waking them up, I go to sleep.
85.人干点好事儿总想让鬼神知道，干点坏事儿总以为鬼神不知道，我们太让鬼为难了。
85. People always want gods to know when they do good deeds, but they think gods don’t know when they do bad things. We make it too difficult for the gods.
86.人不犯我，我不犯人；人若犯我，礼让三分；人再犯我，我还一针；人还犯我，斩草除根。
86. If nobody hurts me, I won’t hurt anybody; if somebody hurts me, I will tolerate them to some extent; if they hurt me again, I will fight back; if they continue to hurt me, I will eliminate them completely.
87.我这人从不记仇，一般有仇我当场就报了。
87. I never hold grudges; if I have a grudge, I settle it on the spot.
88.每个人出生的时候都是原创，很可惜，很多人渐渐成了盗版。
88. Every person is original when they are born, but unfortunately, many people gradually become counterfeit.
89.一天没带眼镜逛街，看到一个既帅气又熟悉的人。想过去看看到底是谁。原来是一面镜子。
89. One day, I went shopping without my glasses and saw a handsome and familiar person. I wanted to see who it was, but it turned out to be a mirror.
90.承诺就像女人说要减肥一样，经常说却很难做到，一切都是假的话。
90. Promises are like women saying they want to lose weight; they often say it but find it hard to do, and everything is false.
91.爱情是毒药，糖衣太美妙，浅尝了即止就好，喝下了把命都送掉。
91. Love is a poison; the sugar coating is delightful, but it’s better to stop after a small taste, or you might lose your life after drinking it all.
92.不要把自己的伤口揭开给别人看，世界上多的不是医师，多的是撒盐的人。
92. Don’t expose your wounds to others; there are more people in the world who sprinkle salt than doctors.
93.我们老板是小怪兽，我们是奥特曼。但我们见了老板就跑，因为我们没带召唤器。
93. Our boss is a little monster, and we are Ultraman. But when we see the boss, we run away because we don’t have our summoner.
94.你给我一个微笑，我也会还你一个微笑，也不是善意的招呼，只是让你知道：老子笑起来比你好看。
94. If you give me a smile, I will also give you a smile. It’s not a friendly greeting, but to let you know: I look better when I smile than you do.
95.再过几十年，我们来相会，送到火葬场，全部烧成灰，你一堆，我一堆，谁也不认识谁，全部送到农村做化肥。
95. In a few decades, we will meet again, sent to the crematorium, all burned to ashes. You have a pile, and I have a pile; no one recognizes anyone, and all are sent to the countryside as fertilizer.
96.有事直接奔主题，不要拿你的无知，挑战我的黑名单。
96. Get straight to the point; don’t challenge my blacklist with your ignorance.
97.问：你喜欢我哪一点？答：我喜欢你离我远一点！
97. Question: What do you like about me? Answer: I like you to stay away from me!
98.这个世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
98. In this world, I only trust two people: one is me, and the other is not you.
99.鸭子太嚣张，兔子太多嘴，我是猪，我很乖。
99. Ducks are too arrogant, rabbits talk too much, I am a pig, and I am well-behaved.
100.日照香芦升子烟，李白来到烤鸭店，口水直流三千尺，一模兜里没有钱。
100. The sun shines on the fragrant reed, and Li Bai comes to the roast duck shop. His mouth waters for three thousand feet, but he has no money when he touches his pocket.
1.如果你活着，早晚都会死，如果你死了，你就永远活着。
1. If you’re alive, you will die sooner or later; if you’re dead, you will live forever.
2.你玩你的自定义、我玩我的格式化。
2. You play your customization, I play my standardization.
3.小姐，对不起，我长得不帅。但不是每个女人都有机会。
3. Miss, I’m sorry, I’m not handsome. But not every woman has the opportunity.
4.不是哥迷恋传说，只是传说太美。
4. It’s not that I’m infatuated with legends, it’s just that legends are too beautiful.
5.哥只不过是个局，而你却入了迷。
5. I’m just a game, but you’re the one who’s obsessed.
6.不要迷恋哥，嫂子才是传说。
6. Don’t be infatuated with me, my sister-in-law is the legend.
7.大部分人一辈子只做三件事：自欺、欺人被人欺。
7. Most people do three things in their lives: deceive themselves, deceive others, and be deceived.
8.你的年龄有多大，我不关心。我想知道，为了爱，为了梦，为了生机勃勃的奇遇，你是否愿意像傻瓜一样冒险?
8. I don’t care how old you are. I want to know, for love, for dreams, for vibrant adventures, would you be willing to take risks like a fool?
9.顾客不是上帝，顾客只是上当。
9. Customers are not God, customers are just deceived.
10.人间正道是沧桑，活的不要太嚣张。
10. The right path in life is full of twists and turns, don’t live too arrogantly.
11.如果你年轻却不激进，那么你就是个没心的人，如果你老了却不保守，那么你就是个没脑的人。
11. If you’re young and not radical, then you’re heartless; if you’re old and not conservative, then you’re brainless.
12.如今这社会，女的照相照胸，男的照相照车谁知道胸是不是挤的，车是不是你的。
12. In today’s society, women take photos of their chests, men take photos of their cars. Who knows if the chest is squeezed or if the car is yours.
13.你肺活量是多少啊，能把牛B吹的这么大。
13. How much lung capacity do you have, to blow such a big牛皮 (empty talk)?
14.本无意与众不同，怎奈何品味出众。
14. I didn’t intend to be different, but my taste is outstanding.
15.闭上眼睛，我看到了我的前途。
15. When I close my eyes, I see my future.
16.每次你说我不够独立的时候、我都选择沉默。我很想告诉你、当我不再依赖你、就是你该滚的时候了。
16. Every time you say I’m not independent enough, I choose to be silent. I really want to tell you that when I no longer rely on you, it’s time for you to leave.
17.男人最大的本事，就是把自己的女朋友放纵到别的男人都受不了。
17. A man’s greatest skill is to indulge his girlfriend so much that no other man can stand her.
18.别要不要分白天黑夜的在我面前犯贱。
18. Don’t be cheap in front of me day and night.
19.生活就像新闻联播，不是换台就能逃避的了的。
19. Life is like the news broadcast, you can’t escape by just changing the channel.
20.我是个特别的人，我是个平凡的人，所以我是个特别平凡的人。
20. I’m a special person, I’m an ordinary person, so I’m a specially ordinary person.
21.妈妈说：就算吃醋也要装的跟喝了酱油似的，不能让别人瞧不起。
21. Mom said: Even if you’re jealous, you should act as if you’ve just drunk soy sauce and not let others look down on you.
22.车道山前必有路，有路我也刹不住。
22. There must be a way when you reach the foot of a mountain, but even if there is, I can’t stop.
23.在野外遇到蛇怎么办？不要惊慌，面带温润的笑容撑起一把伞，假装是许仙。
23. What to do if you encounter a snake in the wild? Don’t panic, put on a gentle smile, hold up an umbrella, and pretend to be Xu Xian.
24.昨天去市里参加放鸽子比赛，结果就我一个人去了。
24. Yesterday, I went to the city to participate in a pigeon flying contest, but I was the only one who went.
25.爱情不过是寂寞时、扯把美丽的犊子。
25. Love is just a beautiful lie when you’re lonely.
26.距离产生的不是美，而是第三者。
26. Distance creates not beauty, but a third party.
27.小三的威力、一般人貌似抵挡不住。
27. The power of a mistress seems to be irresistible for most people.
28.每个女人总会为某一个男人而下贱。
28. Every woman will always be humble for a certain man.
29.又帅又车，那是象棋，有钱有房，那是银行。
29. Handsome and with a car, that’s chess; rich and with a house, that’s a bank.
30.被傻子喜欢也是总炫耀。
30. Being liked by a fool is also a kind of boasting.
31.似花似水似你妈，倾国倾城倾你爸。
31. Like a flower, like water, like your mom, captivating your father.
32.我厌恶骨子里的优柔寡断。
32. I hate the indecision in my bones.
33.私奔的缩写是SB，AV在键盘后面跟的还是SB。
33. The abbreviation for elopement is SB, and AV followed by SB on the keyboard.
34.今天吃饭前照常看了一下菜，天啊！今天没有肉。
34. Today, as usual, I looked at the dishes before eating, oh my God! There’s no meat today.
35.我算不算个性，当然。
35. Am I unique? Of course.
36.你抓着你的鸡爪指着我干嘛知不知道我喜欢泡椒味的不喜欢人渣味的。
36. Why are you pointing at me with your chicken claws? Don’t you know I like the taste of pickled pepper, not the taste of scum.
37.上学最开心听到的一句话就是：今天班主任不在。
37. The happiest thing to hear at school is: The headteacher is not here today.
38.自从我变成了狗屎，就再也没有人踩在我头上了。
38. Since I became dog shit, no one has stepped on my head anymore.
39.承诺，就像放屁，当时惊天动地，过后苍白无力。
39. Promises are like farts, shocking at the moment, but powerless afterward.
40.你若废我现在，我必废你将来。
40. If you ruin me now, I will definitely ruin your future.
41.腾讯的“正在输入”，给了多少人希望，又给了多少人失望。
41. Tencent’s “Typing…”, has given hope to many, and disappointment to just as many.
42.上联：学生证准考证身份证证证没带下联：听力题阅读题作文题题题不做横批：重在参与。
42. Upper couplet: Student ID, admission ticket, ID card, no card brought; Lower couplet: Listening questions, reading questions, composition questions, no questions not done; Horizontal scroll: Participation is key.
43.女人分结婚与不结婚两种，男人分自愿结婚与被迫结婚两种。
43. Women can be divided into two categories: married and unmarried. Men can be divided into two categories: voluntarily married and forcibly married.
44.天苍苍、地茫茫、物价不断长。买的起车，加不起油，公交还挺忙，有车一族终成伤。挣不来钱去买房，美女在上涨，价位不可挡，凭俺的收入，今生无希望，独叹空悲对月流，清风吹落泪两行!
44. The sky is vast, the earth is boundless, and prices keep rising. Can afford a car, but can’t afford the gas; public transport is quite busy, the car owners end up hurt. Can’t earn money to buy a house, beautiful women are on the rise, prices unstoppable, with my income, no hope in this life, sighing alone at the moon, tears streaming down in the gentle breeze!
45.结婚当然是件好事，上瘾就麻烦了。
45. Marriage is certainly a good thing, but getting addicted to it is troublesome.
46.江山如画皮，人生如梦遗。
46. The landscape is like a painted skin, life is like a forgotten dream.
47.不要说别人脑子有病，脑子有病的前提是必须有个脑子。
47. Don’t say others have a problem with their brain, the prerequisite for having a brain problem is that they must have a brain.
48.不蒸馒头争口气行吗?
48. Can we fight for our dignity without steaming buns?
49.不要乐观的像个屁一样，自以为能惊天动地。
49. Don’t be so optimistic like a fart, thinking it can shake the heavens and move the earth.
50.步步高打火机，哪里不会点哪里。
50. Step-by-step high lighter, point where you don’t know, light where you don’t know.
51.男人不能惯，越惯越混蛋。女人就得宠，越宠越有种，还是别人的。
51. Men should not be spoiled, the more you spoil them, the more bastard they become. Women should be pampered, the more you pamper them, the more character they have, but it still belongs to others.
52.穿的一个比一个危险，长得一个比一个安全。
52. One is dressed more dangerously than the other, and the other is safer in appearance.
53.春色满园关不住，我诱红杏出墙来。
53. The spring scenery in the garden cannot be contained, I lure the red apricot to climb over the wall.
54.到处都有痛苦，而比痛苦更为持久且尖利伤人的是，到处都有抱有期望的等待。
54. There is pain everywhere, and what is more enduring and sharper than pain is the waiting with expectations everywhere.
55.考试时，本想要咸鱼翻锅的，他奶奶的，没想到粘锅了。
55. During the exam, I wanted to turn the salted fish, but my grandma, it didn’t work and got stuck to the pan.
56.没有人在世界上能够“弃”你，除非你自己自暴自弃。因为我们是属于自己的，并不属于他人。
56. No one in the world can “abandon” you, unless you give up on yourself. Because we belong to ourselves, not to others.
57.从前有人在我空间里跑堂，不到两秒钟，嘎的一下就死了。
57. Once, someone ran through my space, and in less than two seconds, they suddenly died.
58.如果我的考试成绩能像房价涨得那么快，那么这个世界该有多可爱。
58. If my exam scores could rise as fast as housing prices, how lovely this world would be.
59.广告看的好好的，突然蹦出个电视剧来…郁闷…
59. I was watching ads just fine, and suddenly a TV drama popped up… So frustrated…
60.世上最美的事，就是吃饱了睡觉有空调。
60. The most beautiful thing in the world is to eat well, sleep with air conditioning, and be content.
61.胸大未必嫁潘安，胸小也能钓彦祖。
61. Big breasts don’t necessarily marry Pan An, and small chests can also hook Yan Zu.
62.整天看《还珠格格》，我都有点同情容嬷嬷了。
62. Watching “My Fair Princess” all day makes me feel a bit sympathetic towards Rong Ma.
63.空山新雨后，自挂东南枝，欲穷千里目，自挂东南枝，天生我材必有用，各种自挂东南枝。
63. After the rain in the empty mountains, hang myself on the southeast branch; to see a thousand miles, hang myself on the southeast branch; I am born with talents that must be useful, hanging myself on the southeast branch in various ways.
64.上课可以治疗同学们的失眠。
64. Attending class can cure classmates’ insomnia.
65.借朋友的车开，朋友说还的时候要给车加油。还车时，我冲车鼓了鼓掌。
65. Borrowing a friend’s car, he said to refuel it when returning. When I returned the car, I clapped for it.
66.给我一个女人，我可以创造一个民族，给我一瓶酒，我可以带领他们征服全世界！
66. Give me a woman, and I can create a nation; give me a bottle of wine, and I can lead them to conquer the world!
67.生下来的人没有怕死的，怕死的都没生下来，所以谁都别装横！
67. No one is afraid of death when they are born; those who are afraid of death are not born, so don’t act tough!
68.如果考试用QB做奖励，那么国家马上就会富强的。
68. If exams use QB as rewards, the country will become strong and prosperous immediately.
69.大哥，把你脸上的分辨率调低点好吗？
69. Big brother, can you lower the resolution on your face, please?
70.天塌下来你顶着，我垫着！
70. If the sky falls, you’ll hold it up, and I’ll pad it!
71.“特别能吃苦”这个字，我想了想，我只做到了前四个。
71. The word “especially able to endure hardship,” I thought about it, and I only managed the first four.
72.初恋无限好，只是挂得早。
72. First love is infinitely good, but it just ends early.
73.敬告各位家长：请不要骂自己的孩子是“小兔崽子”，因为从遗传学的角度讲，这对你们自己是非常不利的。
73. A warning to all parents: Please do not call your children “little rabbit brats,” because from a genetic perspective, this is very disadvantageous to you.
74.谁骂我傻B我跟谁好，我就喜欢和B交朋友。
74. Whoever calls me a fool, I’ll be friends with them; I just like making friends with B.
75.世界上最远的距离不是你我天各一方，而是同窗不同房。
75. The farthest distance in the world is not you and I separated by the sky, but being classmates in different rooms.
76.谢你抢了我对象，让我知道他是人模狗样。
76. Thank you for stealing my partner, which made me realize he is a hypocrite.
77.我未来的女朋友，现在在和谁谈恋爱？
77. My future girlfriend, who is she dating now?
78.世界上的脑残这么多，可是你却成了其中的佼佼者。
78. There are so many mentally challenged people in the world, but you have become the cream of the crop.
79.淑女就是未进化的比卡丘。绅士就是披着羊毛的狼。
79. A lady is an unevolved Pikachu. A gentleman is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
80.还没来得急沾花捻草，就已经被别人拔光了。
80. I haven’t even had the chance to flirt, and the flowers and grass have already been plucked by others.
81.当初我看上你，因为我脑子进水了，现在我脑子抖干了。
81. I was attracted to you because I had water on the brain; now my brain is dried up.
82.你讲我坏话时能不能别添油加醋，以为炒菜啊。
82. When speaking ill of me, could you please not exaggerate, thinking you’re stir-frying?
83.没钱的时候，在家里吃野菜，有钱的时候，在酒店吃野菜。
83. When I have no money, I eat wild vegetables at home; when I have money, I eat wild vegetables at the hotel.
84.俺从不写措字，但俺写通假字！
84. I never make typos, but I do write pseudo-characters!
85.勃起不是万能的，但不能勃起却是万万都不能的！
85. Erections aren’t everything, but not having one is absolutely unacceptable!
86.和你擦肩而过你却不知道是我，因为我把头扭过去了。
86. We brushed past each other, but you didn’t recognize me because I turned my head away.
87.即使有人骂我神经病，我也会坚强的抬起头蔑视的对他说“你难道和我一个医院的?
87. Even if someone calls me crazy, I’ll raise my head proudly and say, “Are you from the same hospital as me?”
88.戒烟容易，戒你太难!
88. Quitting smoking is easy, but quitting you is too hard!
89.因为我掏心掏肺的去爱你，所以我只能没心没肺的放弃你。
89. Because I loved you with all my heart, I can only give you up heartlessly.
90.过去一直喜欢她的胸怀宽广，其实那也无非是一片飞机场！
90. I used to admire her broad-mindedness, but in fact, it was nothing more than an airport runway!
91.你的态度决定我的态度，你若对我沉默，我也只好对你冷漠。
91. Your attitude determines my attitude; if you’re silent with me, I can only be indifferent to you.
92.别站在你的角度看我，我怕那你看不懂。
92. Don’t look at me from your perspective; I’m afraid you won’t understand.
93.姐不需要谁爱我，更不需要谁疼我，姐会狠狠疼爱自己。
93. I don’t need anyone to love or pamper me; I will love and pamper myself fiercely.
94.不想看你不开心，却又嫉妒你和别人太开心！
94. I don’t want to see you unhappy, but I’m jealous when you’re too happy with others!
95.那些曾经泼过我冷水的人，我一定会烧开了还给你们。
95. To those who have poured cold water on me, I will definitely boil it and return it to you.
96.老师上课的质量，决定手机此月的流量。
96. The quality of the teacher’s class determines the mobile data usage this month.
97.你用温柔将我所有的菱角磨平，然后用尽全力伤我到死。
97. You used your gentleness to smooth all my edges, and then tried your best to hurt me to death.
98.你就像根苦瓜，穿得这么清凉，长得这么败。
98. You’re like a bitter melon, dressed so cool, yet looking so miserable.
99.你既然这么轻易地被种在我的心里，那么，就别想轻易逃脱出去！
99. Since you were so easily planted in my heart, don’t even think about escaping easily!
100.长了副猪样，就不要以为自己是人，老娘看不起你。
100. If you have a pig’s appearance, don’t think you’re a person; I look down on you.
2.系好安全带，前方也许有场爱情正等着你。
2. Fasten your seatbelt, there might be a love story waiting for you ahead.
3.小明：“爸爸我是不是傻孩子啊？”爸爸：“傻孩子，你怎么会是傻孩子呢？”
3. Xiao Ming: “Dad, am I a silly child?” Dad: “Silly child, how could you be a silly child?”
4.假如生活欺骗了我，那我也去欺骗生活。
4. If life deceives me, I will deceive life in return.
5.你让我下不了台，我让你连上台的机会都没有。
5. If you make me lose face, I will make sure you don’t even have a chance to get on stage.
6.你住在我心里，你交房租了吗？
6. You live in my heart, have you paid the rent?
7.体育老师说：谁敢穿裙子上我的课，就罚她倒立！
7. PE teacher said: Whoever dares to wear a skirt in my class will be punished by standing on their hands!
8.最尴尬的莫过于和女友去民政局登记，工作人员竟是前女友。
8. The most awkward thing is to go to the civil affairs bureau with your girlfriend to register, and the staff member is your ex-girlfriend.
9.不喜欢我，我就把你阉了做我妹。
9. If you don’t like me, I’ll castrate you and make you my sister.
10.我站在你的城府里大声叫到：哎哟！满深的啊！
10. I stand in your cunning trap and shout loudly: Ouch! It’s so deep!
11.第三者不是后来的那个，而是不被深爱的那个。
11. The third person is not the one who comes later, but the one who is not deeply loved.
12.世界上最郁闷的事莫过于踩到自己拉的粑粑。
12. The most frustrating thing in the world is to step on your own poop.
13.别以为你比我年轻，你就能多蹦跶几天，棺材装的是死人不是老人！
13. Don’t think that just because you are younger than me, you can bounce around for more days. A coffin carries the dead, not the old!
14.名人名言，你得先是名人了那才是名言，别人的屁都是名屁！你能比吗？
14. A famous quote has to come from a famous person to be considered a famous quote. Even someone else’s fart is a famous fart! Can you compare?
15.哥是文明人，所有脏话均已使用唾液消毒。
15. I am a civilized person, all dirty words have been disinfected with saliva.
16.我只顾着往后看，却没有在意前面的路有多长。
16. I was only looking back, not paying attention to how long the road ahead was.
17.没有强大的主人，别以为你是狗就可以乱咬人！
17. Without a powerful owner, don’t think that just because you are a dog, you can bite people randomly!
18.穿别人的鞋走别人的路，让别人既找不到鞋又找不到路。
18. Wear other people’s shoes and walk their path, so they can’t find either the shoes or the way.
19.姐不是蒙娜丽莎，不会对每个人都微笑。
19. I am not the Mona Lisa, I won’t smile at everyone.
20.男人说喜欢你，只是喜欢你的身体罢了。
20. When a man says he likes you, he just likes your body.
21.世上男人千千万，实在不行天天换。
21. There are thousands of men in the world, if it doesn’t work out, change them every day.
22.牛B中的战斗机，贱人中的VIP。
22. The fighter jet in the herd of oxen, the VIP among the despicable.
23.肖邦，你要能弹出劳资的悲伤，劳资就给你一块钱。
23. Chopin, if you can play the sadness of my life, I’ll give you a dollar.
24.我们活着的大多数人，一辈子只做了三件事：自欺、欺人、被人欺。
24. Most of us, in our lifetime, only do three things: deceive ourselves, deceive others, and be deceived by others.
25.我不怕喝敌敌畏，就怕开盖畅饮，再来一瓶。
25. I’m not afraid of drinking Parathion, I’m afraid of opening the cap and finding another bottle inside.
26.如果你是一朵花，那牛都不拉粪了。
26. If you were a flower, even cows wouldn’t defecate.
27.你一出门千山鸟飞绝，万径人宗灭。
27. When you step out, a thousand mountains and birds disappear, ten thousand paths and people vanish.
28.女人如衣服，但姐是你穿不出来的气质。
28. Women are like clothes, but I am the temperament you can never wear.
29.为了祖国的下一代，再丑都得谈恋爱，谈到世界充满爱。
29. For the sake of the next generation of our motherland, even if you’re ugly, you have to fall in love, and make the world full of love.
30.打算理发了，甩流海甩得头都崴了。
30. I’m planning to get a haircut, I’ve been swinging my bangs so much that my head is twisted.
31.我的兴趣爱好可分为静态和动态两种，静态就是睡觉，动态就是翻身。
31. My hobbies can be divided into two types: static and dynamic. Static is sleeping, and dynamic is turning over.
32.刷牙是件悲喜交加的事，一手拿杯具，一手拿洗具。
32. Brushing teeth is a mixed blessing, one hand holding a tragedy, the other hand holding a comedy.
33.锄禾日当午，上学真幸苦，已进入学校，罚站一下午。
33. Hoeing the field under the midday sun, school is really tough. Once you enter the school, you stand as a punishment for the whole afternoon.
34.我平胸我骄傲，我为国家省布料。
34. I’m flat-chested, I’m proud, I save fabric for the country.
35.执子之手，将子拖走，子若不走，拍晕了继续拖走！
35. Holding your hand, I’ll drag you away. If you don’t leave, I’ll knock you out and continue dragging you away!
36.自从得了精神病，整个人都精神多了。
36. Ever since I got mental illness, I’ve become more energetic.
37.我没时间去讨厌那些讨厌我的人，因为我在忙着爱那些爱着我的人。
37. I don’t have time to hate those who hate me, because I’m busy loving those who love me.
38.上床这么纯洁的事情，别被爱情玷污了。
38. Sex is such a pure thing, don’t let love defile it.
39.只有不可替代，你才不会被炒掉，但一直不可替代，就不会被提拔。
39. Only if you are irreplaceable, you won’t be fired, but always being irreplaceable means you won’t be promoted.
40.春天来了，绿意盎然，他也来了，一身绿装！md，连帽子也是绿色的！
40. Spring is coming, full of greenery, and he’s coming too, dressed in green! Damn it, even his hat is green!
41.人们喜欢春风，厌恶寒风，其实寒风是无辜的，是温度在使坏！
41. People like the spring breeze and hate the cold wind, but the cold wind is innocent, it’s the temperature that’s causing trouble!
42.电脑是愤怒者的麦克风，深夜它传播着我们的骂声！
42. The computer is the microphone for the angry, spreading our curses deep into the night!
43.那个叫珍妮的女孩我不喜欢，我喜欢那个叫玛尼的！
43. I don’t like the girl named Jenny; I like the one named Manny!
44.一美女说：第一次牵我手的人是给我看手相的那个先生。
44. A beautiful woman said: The first person who held my hand was the man who read my palm.
45.不是你不滚，是我不够狠。
45. It’s not that you don’t leave, it’s that I’m not ruthless enough.
46.老师本想对同学们说把掌声送给自己，可不小心说成把巴掌送给自己。说完，一同学”啪”“啪”就给了自己两耳光。
46. The teacher wanted to tell the students to give applause to themselves, but accidentally said to give slaps to themselves. After saying that, a classmate “pa” “pa” gave themselves two slaps in the face.
47.考题再复杂，终究没有我这心情复杂。
47. No matter how complicated the exam questions are, they are still not as complicated as my mood.
48.人生就像一场旅行，在乎的不是目的地。而是沿途的“NB”，以及对付“NB”时的心情！
48. Life is like a journey, it’s not about the destination. It’s about the “NB” along the way and the mood when dealing with “NB”!
49.站在岁月的岸边，向自己的过往打个水漂吧……
49. Standing on the shore of time, throw a stone across your past…
50.有时候老天下一场雨，是因为世界需要洗一洗，有时候眼睛下雨了，是因为心需要洗一洗！
50. Sometimes the heavens rain because the world needs to be washed; sometimes eyes rain because the heart needs to be cleansed!
51.我是穷人，请勿盗墓！
51. I am poor, please do not rob my grave!
52.其实人活着的时候就是一个躯壳，死了就变成一堆骨灰。
52. In fact, when people are alive, they are just a shell; when they die, they become a pile of ashes.
53.我对你的心，比钻石还坚硬。不会是心结石吧？
53. My heart for you is harder than a diamond. It’s not a heart stone, is it?
54.你发神经的时候，就像猪上树一样让人吃惊。
54. When you go crazy, it’s as surprising as a pig climbing a tree.
55.话说动物园有一只猴子，奇丑无比，人见人吐！第二天我去看了，我吐了！第三天你去了，猴子吐了！
55. It is said that there is a monkey in the zoo, incredibly ugly, making people vomit upon seeing it! The next day I went to see it, and I vomited! The third day you went, and the monkey vomited!
56.人生就像一块破铜烂铁，把它扔进火里，敲敲打打，也能炼出一副精品！
56. Life is like a piece of scrap metal; throw it into the fire, hammer and beat it, and you can still forge a fine piece!
57.如果我死了，我的第一句话是：老子终于不用怕鬼了。
57. If I die, my first sentence will be: I am finally not afraid of ghosts.
58.眉毛上的汗水，眉毛下的泪水，你总得选一样。
58. Sweat on the eyebrows, tears under the eyebrows, you have to choose one.
59.完美的男友：不吸烟，不喝酒，不欺骗。不存在！
59. The perfect boyfriend: doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t cheat. He doesn’t exist!
60.一般般的我，一般般的亮。一般般的你，我看不上！
60. I am just average, averagely bright. You are average, and I don’t look down on you!
61.靠山吃山，靠水吃水，今天抢劫，不许不给，谁要反抗，让他见鬼。
61. Live off the mountain, eat off the water, rob today, no refusal allowed, anyone who resists will meet their ghost.
62.没有人能预测未来，所以总有人后悔当初。
62. No one can predict the future, so there will always be regrets.
63.要有多大的身躯，才能撑起您那龌龊的灵魂啊！
63. How big a body do you need to support your filthy soul?
64.你不能当饭吃，但没有你，我吃不下饭。
64. You’re not a meal, but without you, I can’t eat.
65.昨天是历史，今天是开始，明天谁都不好使！
65. Yesterday is history, today is the beginning, and tomorrow is uncertain for everyone!
66.最近神马开始变驴腿了，浮云变雨水了！
66. Lately, everything has turned into donkey legs, and clouds have become raindrops!
67.谁说水火无情，当你快要被口水淹死的时候，你却火了。
67. Who says water and fire are merciless? When you’re about to be drowned by saliva, you’re on fire.
68.地铁上的广告：挤吗？买辆车吧！出租车上的广告：赌吗？坐地铁吧！靠，忽悠我还是怎么着！
68. Subway advertisement: Crowded? Buy a car! Taxi advertisement: Gambling? Take the subway! Damn, are you kidding me or what?
69.知道高晓松为啥喝醉酒不？那是因为药家鑫想让他唱一首“同牢的你”。
69. Do you know why Gao Xiaosong gets drunk? It’s because Yao Jiaxin wants him to sing “You in the Same Prison.”
70.今天MM的生日，为了第一个送上祝福，凌晨我准时拿起手机发了一条信息：沙发。
70. Today is MM’s birthday, and in order to be the first to send my wishes, I picked up my phone on time in the early morning and sent a message: Sofa.
71.思想就像内裤，要有，但不能逢人就证明你有。
71. Thoughts are like underwear; you must have them, but you can’t prove it to everyone.
72.为什么你坐在那儿，看上去就像一个没写地址的信封？
72. Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without an address?
73.君子报仇，十年不晚，小人报仇，从早到晚。
73. A gentleman seeks revenge in ten years; a petty person seeks revenge from morning till night.
74.天上终不会掉陷饼，它只会掉陷阱。
74. Heaven won’t drop free meals, it only drops traps.
75.白色加白色就是黑色，因为双重否定就是肯定。
75. White plus white equals black, because a double negative is a positive.
76.我对你的感情就像雷锋对于穷人的怜悯。
76. My feelings for you are like Lei Feng’s compassion for the poor.
77.我这一生一共做错两件事，其一是生出来，另一是活下去。
77. In my life, I’ve made two mistakes: being born and living.
78.我们只是路人甲乙丙丁，在这花花世界集体游戏。无论你输我赢，到最后咱们都会一起GameOver！
78. We are just passers-by, playing a collective game in this colorful world. No matter who wins or loses, we will all end up with Game Over!
79.别在我面前摆POSE，我真怕忍不住想摔相机。
79. Don’t pose in front of me; I’m really afraid I’ll want to smash the camera.
80.和你分手，因为，你连牵手都不配！
80. I broke up with you because you don’t even deserve to hold hands!
81.真正的境界是宁可自己去原谅别人，莫让别人来原谅你。
81. The true state is to prefer forgiving others rather than having others forgive you.
82.人生就是呼吸，呼是为了出一口气，吸是为了争一口气。
82. Life is all about breathing; exhaling is to let out a breath, and inhaling is to strive for a breath.
83.天若有情天亦老，抢我对象死的早。
83. If heaven has feelings, it will age too; whoever steals my partner will die young.
84.游戏和女友最大的区别就是，一个要下副本一个要下血本！
84. The biggest difference between a game and a girlfriend is that one requires downloading a copy, and the other requires investing heavily!
85.做清淡欢颜的女子，写高贵的情书给自己。
85. Be a gentle and cheerful woman, and write noble love letters to yourself.
86.这个世界，没有那么多单纯的如果，不爱就是不爱了。
86. In this world, there are not so many simple “ifs”; if someone doesn’t love, they just don’t love anymore.
87.我这人没啥优点，就是受表扬能力特强！
87. I don’t have many strengths, but I’m particularly good at receiving praise!
88.以为自己长得漂亮又怎样，老娘不屑，最终还不是当别人情妇。
88. What’s the point of thinking you’re beautiful? I despise it, and in the end, you still become someone’s mistress.
89.趁我还爱你，你可不可以不要错过我？
89. While I still love you, can you please not miss me?
90.人生就像打电话，不是你先挂，就是我先挂！
90. Life is like making a phone call; either you hang up first, or I do.
91.人不可貌相，小三不可斗量。
91. One should not judge by appearances, and one should not underestimate a mistress.
92.货有过期日，人有看腻时。你在我心里，能牛逼几时。
92. Goods have an expiration date, and people have a time when they grow tired of looking. How long can you be amazing in my heart?
93.当有人在装酷时，姐都会低下头。不是姐修养好，姐只是在找砖头。
93. When someone is pretending to be cool, I always lower my head. It’s not because I have good manners, but because I’m looking for a brick.
94.年少时的你我因为没有学好爱情这门功课而变出了错误百出的答卷。
94. In our youth, you and I made countless mistakes in the exam of love because we didn’t learn it well.
95.感情的傻子，不会介意爱一个疯子。
95. A fool in love won’t mind loving a madman.
96.如果世界上真的有像小说里一样的男主角，那世界，就真的玄幻了！
96. If there really are male protagonists like in novels in this world, then the world would truly be fantastical!
97.百度搜不到你，只好进搜狗！
97. Baidu can’t find you, so I have to use Sogou!
98.你长得如此多娇，引无数瞎子竞折腰。
98. You are so charming and delicate, attracting countless blind men to compete with each other.
99.经常会从梦中惊醒，因为做了一个饿梦，好饿好饿的梦。
99. I often wake up from my dreams because I had a hungry dream, so hungry, so hungry.
100.男人被甩，金钱问题，女人被甩，面貌问题，我被甩，你他妈脑袋有问题。
100. Men are rejected for financial reasons, women for their appearance; I’m rejected because there’s a problem with your damn head.
1.我把对你的思念写在纸上，被风给吹走了，我把对你的思念写在沙滩上，被海浪卷走了，我把对你的思念写在墙上，我被警察带走了。
1. I wrote my thoughts about you on paper, but the wind blew them away; I wrote them on the beach, but the waves washed them away; I wrote them on the wall, and I was taken away by the police.
2.几种美：学问之美，在于使人一头雾水；诗歌之美，在于煽动男女出轨；女人之美，在于蠢得无怨无悔；男人之美，在于说谎说得白日见鬼！
2. Several kinds of beauty: the beauty of knowledge lies in making people confused; the beauty of poetry lies in inciting men and women to have affairs; the beauty of women lies in being foolish without regrets; the beauty of men lies in lying so convincingly that you can see ghosts in broad daylight!
3.告诉你一个秘密，请先看后面，再看左边，再右边，好了好了，拜托不要拿着手机东张西望好不好！
3. I have a secret to tell you. First, look behind you, then look to the left, and then to the right. Okay, okay, please don’t look around with your phone, will you?
4.早晨我吃不下饭，因为我想你，中午我吃不下饭，因为我更加想你，晚上我吃不下饭，因为我疯狂地想你，夜里我睡不着，因为……我饿！
4. In the morning, I can’t eat because I miss you; at noon, I can’t eat because I miss you even more; in the evening, I can’t eat because I’m crazy about you. At night, I can’t sleep because… I’m hungry!
5.昨我托一只蚊子去找你，让它告你我很想你，并请它替我亲亲你，因为现在我无法接近你！它会告诉你我多想你！你问我爱你有多深？疙瘩代表我的心！
5. Yesterday, I sent a mosquito to find you to tell you that I miss you and asked it to give you a kiss on my behalf, as I can’t be close to you now! It will tell you how much I miss you! You ask me how deep my love for you is? The bumps on my skin represent my heart!
6.你第一次上游泳课，一小时以后，你对教练说：“我想，今天是不是就练到这里吧？”“为什么呢？”“我实在喝不下去了。”
6. The first time you took a swimming lesson, after an hour, you said to the coach, “I think we should stop here for today, right?” “Why?” “I can’t drink any more.”
7.一个机缘认识你，两次见面留意你，三番四次约会你，七上八下挂念你，九成应是喜欢你，十分肯定我爱你。百年修到遇真爱，千年成全你和我，万事具备愿意吗？
7. A chance encounter made me know you; two meetings made me pay attention to you; three or four dates with you; I’m constantly thinking about you; nine out of ten times, I should like you; I’m absolutely sure that I love you. It takes a hundred years to cultivate true love, and a thousand years to bring you and me together. Are you ready?
8.对你的感情，是一个简单的自然指数，你要微分几次都可以，不变的，始终不变……假如你喜欢，也可以积分，不过会多出一个常数来，而那个常数等于———我爱你。
8. My feelings for you are like a simple natural exponential function. You can differentiate it as many times as you like, but it remains unchanged… If you like, you can also integrate it, but there will be an additional constant, and that constant equals——I love you.
9.你这个小妖精，令我中了你的爱情毒却不肯给我解药！小坏蛋！哦！我快要不行了！救救我吧！办法很简单：给我你的爱！
9. You little fairy, you’ve poisoned me with your love but refuse to give me the antidote! Naughty! Oh! I can’t take it anymore! Save me! The solution is simple: give me your love!
10.遇到你之前世界是一片荒原，遇到你之后世界是一个乐园，过去的岁月对我象一缕轻烟，未来的生命因你而幸福无边！
10. Before I met you, the world was a wasteland; after meeting you, the world became a paradise. The past years are like a wisp of smoke to me, and my future life will be endlessly happy because of you!
11.如果有来世，就让我们做一对小小的老鼠吧。笨笨的相爱，呆呆的过日子，拙拙的依偎，傻傻的一起。即便大雪封山，还可以窝在暖暖的草堆紧紧的抱着咬你耳朵……
11. If there is an afterlife, let’s be a pair of little mice. Loving each other foolishly, living a dull life, cuddling clumsily, and being silly together. Even if the heavy snow seals the mountain, we can still nestle in a warm haystack, holding each other tightly and nibbling on each other’s ears…
12.我不完美，可是我很真实。也就是说，我不漂亮，可是我很酷；我不富有，可是我很快乐；我不成功，可是我很自信；我不多情，可是我懂得珍惜。
12. I’m not perfect, but I’m genuine. That is to say, I’m not beautiful, but I’m cool; I’m not rich, but I’m happy; I’m not successful, but I’m confident; I’m not romantic, but I know how to cherish.
13.猪不会说话，只会用鼻子哼哼。就像某些女生，动不动就：哼！
13. Pigs can’t speak, they just grunt with their noses. Just like some girls, they always go like this: Hmph!
14.玫瑰是我的热情，糖果是我的天真，星星是我的眼睛，月光是我的真情，我要你捧着玫瑰吃着糖果在月光下数星星！
14. Roses represent my passion, candy represents my innocence, stars are my eyes, and moonlight is my true feelings. I want you to hold roses, eat candy, and count stars under the moonlight!
15.做家具的是木材，懂诗词的是秀才，众人想的是钱财，被培养的是人才，女人要的是身材，发消息的是天才，看消息的是蠢材。
15. Wood is for making furniture, poetry is for scholars, people think about money, talents are cultivated, women want a good figure, geniuses send messages, and fools read messages.
16.想你的感觉就想：炒菜没放盐；苹果不太甜；喝酒少了烟；逛街忘带钱。有空时我会想你，没空时我会抽空想你，实在抽不出空我就–什么都不做了，光想你！
16. Missing you feels like: cooking without salt; not-so-sweet apples; drinking without smoking; shopping without money. When I’m free, I think of you; when I’m busy, I make time to think of you; if I can’t make time, I’ll just do nothing but think of you!
17.没有了你，我很寂寞。看不见你，我很失落。想说爱你，我没资格。多么想你，有点过火！看到了你，狠狠地摸…南风…胡了！
17. Without you, I’m lonely. Not seeing you, I feel lost. Wanting to say I love you, I’m not qualified. Missing you too much, it’s a bit excessive! When I see you, I want to touch you fiercely… The south wind… I’ve won!
18.一辆卡车后面挂着一块显眼的大木牌，上面写着：“本车已与其他车辆相撞20次，成绩为：17胜，2平，仅一次稍有损失。请来者多加小心！”
18. A truck has a large, conspicuous wooden sign hanging on the back, which reads: “This vehicle has collided with other vehicles 20 times, with a record of: 17 wins, 2 draws, and only one minor loss. Please be extra careful!”
19.我的每一下心跳想你一次，直到我生命停止，心不再跳动！我爱你！ 你是我的心，你是我的肝，你是我生命的四分之三。你是我的胃，你是我的肺，你是我心中的红玫瑰！ 当城市退却了色彩，玫瑰也化成了尘埃，我的心纵然在夜幕下也无法掩盖，是你让我相思成灾！
19. With every heartbeat of mine, I think of you once, until my life comes to an end and my heart stops beating! I love you! You are my heart, you are my liver, you are three-fourths of my life. You are my stomach, you are my lungs, you are the red rose in my heart! When the city loses its color and the roses turn to dust, my heart cannot be concealed even under the night sky; it is you who has caused me such longing!
20.害羞的我有一句话一直都不敢向你表白，但是今天我终于鼓起勇气：你什么时候请我吃饭？
20. Shy as I am, I have always been hesitant to confess to you, but today I finally muster the courage: When are you going to treat me to a meal?
21.为什么，会如此的想你。即使在这沉沉的深夜，我却仍然无法睡去。
21. Why do I miss you so much? Even in the deep night, I still cannot fall asleep.
22.听说昨晚你被搞得酥酥麻麻，疯疯癫癫，浑身乱颤，满身大汗，天旋地转，噢噢大叫，欲死欲仙……唉，没事碰什么高压线！
22. I heard that last night you were electrified, delirious, trembling all over, sweating profusely, spinning around, screaming in agony, and dying with pleasure… Oh, why did you touch that high-voltage wire?
23.彷佛静止了的我，就像是从长长的睡梦中被唤醒，才开始有了动静。你真的是在我眼前吗？你真的在我眼前呼吸说话笑着吗？
23. It seems as if I have been awakened from a long, deep sleep, and only now do I start to move. Are you really standing right in front of me? Are you really breathing, talking, and laughing before my eyes?
24.我这一生只恋爱过一次，但这份感情给我留下了终生的痛苦……“怎么，你爱的女人和别人结婚了？”“不，她嫁给了我。”
24. I have only been in love once in my life, but that relationship has left me with lifelong pain… “What, did the woman you loved marry someone else?” “No, she married me.”
25.用刀子捅死你，我怕见血；毒死你吧，假药太多；电死你吧，电费太贵，淹死你吧，没准你还会游泳。算了，我还是想死你吧！
25. I want to stab you to death, but I’m afraid of seeing blood; poison you, but there are too many fake drugs; electrocute you, but the electricity bill is too expensive; drown you, but you might know how to swim. Forget it, I’ll just think of you to death!
26.你的幸福，我来建筑；你的糊涂，我来弥补；你的贪图，我来满足；你的任性，我来让步；爱护你，非我莫属，谁让我是养猪专业户。
26. I will build your happiness; I will make up for your foolishness; I will satisfy your greed; I will indulge your willfulness; taking care of you is my responsibility, for I am a professional pig farmer.
27.一胆小病人被推进手术室，他要大夫护士把口罩摘下来，大夫说不行这违反规定，病人一听急了说别骗我了，是怕出了事被我认出来吧？
27. A timid patient was pushed into the operating room. He asked the doctor and nurse to take off their masks, but the doctor said it was against the rules. The patient became anxious and said, “Don’t lie to me, are you afraid I’ll recognize you if something goes wrong?”
28.夜已很深，我从梦中醒来，在郊外的草地上，当你慢慢地向我靠近，我的心狂跳不止，这一切来得太突然，让我不知所措地大叫…老鼠！
28. It’s late at night, and I wake up from my dream on the grassland outside the city. As you slowly approach me, my heart races uncontrollably. This all comes so suddenly, leaving me at a loss and screaming… at the sight of a mouse!
29.什么叫悲剧？喜剧没人要看，便是悲剧。什么叫喜剧？悲剧卖不出票，就是喜剧。什么叫闹剧？送票给人看，人家嚷着要退场，叫闹剧。
29. What is tragedy? When no one wants to watch a comedy, it becomes a tragedy. What is comedy? When a tragedy doesn’t sell tickets, it becomes a comedy. What is farce? When you give tickets away for free and people are clamoring to leave, that’s called farce.
30.带美眉去健身房演示各种器械，其中有一项是练习背阔肌的橡皮筋。美眉突然冒出一句话，你每天晚上都到这来拉皮条吗？我当场晕倒。
30. I took a girl to the gym to demonstrate various equipment, including one for practicing the latissimus dorsi using a rubber band. She suddenly asked, “Do you come here every night to pull the rubber band?” I was speechless.
31.你的幸福，我来付出；你的糊涂，我来弥补；你的贪图，我来满足；你的任性，我来让步；谁最爱你，非我莫属；谁让我是养猪专业户！
31. I will provide for your happiness; I will make up for your foolishness; I will satisfy your greed; I will indulge your willfulness; no one loves you more than me, for I am a professional pig farmer!
32.两口子打得正热闹，警察接到投诉过来制止。一个暴怒的女人开门，警察：户主是谁？女人：等会儿告诉你，我正和丈夫决定这件事！
32. A couple was fighting fiercely when the police arrived to stop them after receiving a complaint. An angry woman opened the door, and the police asked, “Who is the head of the household?” The woman replied, “I’ll tell you later; my husband and I are still deciding on that!”
33.你来，风就来；你来，雨就来；你来，雪就来；你来，霜就来；你来，沙漠就来；你来，波浪就来。我说，你就不能带点好东西来么？
33. When you come, the wind comes; when you come, the rain comes; when you come, the snow comes; when you come, the frost comes; when you come, the desert comes; when you come, the waves come. I say, can’t you bring something good with you for a change?
34.老天做证，我的影子随时随地都跟着你，我的眼睛无时无刻不在注视着你……该死，我的意思是……你洗澡的时候除外！
34. As the heavens witness, my shadow follows you everywhere, and my eyes are always on you… Damn it, I mean… except when you’re taking a bath!
35.某美女发现口红太重，拿湿纸巾擦拭后扔到路上。一老头拣起，端详半天突然醒悟，追上说：姑娘，你卫生巾掉出来啦！
35. A beautiful woman found her lipstick too heavy, so she wiped it off with a wet tissue and threw it on the road. An old man picked it up, examined it for a while, and suddenly realized, catching up to her: “Miss, you dropped your sanitary pad!”
36.军训前你是潘安，军训后你是包拯，太阳给你整了容，教官给你整了形，祝你军训后，依然玉书临风，书生面容！齐步走！
36. Before military training, you were Pan An; after military training, you became Bao Zheng. The sun gave you a makeover, and the instructor shaped you. I wish you still look like a scholar even after military training. March in step!
37.经理遇清洁电梯女工，女工让一旁：经理，你先上我再托。经理：还是你先脱我再上推脱几次经理：这样你边脱我边上吧！
37. The manager met a female cleaner in the elevator. The cleaner stepped aside: “Manager, you go first, and I’ll hold the elevator.” Manager: “No, you take it off first, and then I’ll get on.” After a few exchanges, the manager said: “Just take it off while I get on!”
38.吃饭的时候，一女同事忧心忡忡地说：“我可能要红了。”大家很好奇，问“怎么啦？”“刚才发现我的一块U盘丢了，8个G的。
38. During lunch, a female colleague worriedly said: “I might be famous soon.” Everyone was curious and asked, “Why?” “I just found out that one of my 8GB USB drives is missing.”
39.某同事把一猫和一狗拿到办公室玩，另一同事想挑起事端让猫和狗打架看热闹，就打了猫一下，然后说了很经典的一句话：狗打的！
39. A colleague brought a cat and a dog to the office to play. Another colleague wanted to provoke a fight between the cat and dog for fun, so he hit the cat and then said a very classic line: “The dog did it!”
40.语文老师：请在“不知”前后各加一字组成成语。同学大声说：恬不知耻。老师：很好，还有什么呢？这时后排一个声音传来：我不知道。
40. Chinese teacher: “Please add one character before and after ‘not know’ to form an idiom.” A student shouted: “Shameless.” Teacher: “Very good, what else?” Then a voice from the back row said: “I don’t know.”
41.你的头发是天上的银河，你的眼睛是天上的月亮，你的脸就应该是那晴朗的夜空，因为你那青春的标语布满了天空，小样，青春痘还真多！
41. Your hair is the Milky Way in the sky, your eyes are the moon, and your face should be the clear night sky because your youthful slogans are all over it. Oh, you’ve got quite a few acne!
42.我帮你算一下，你不适宜跟属马的异性谈恋爱，如果你非要跟属马的谈恋爱也可以，但是千万不要跟对方接吻，因为…因为驴唇不对马嘴！
42. I’ll help you calculate; it’s not suitable for you to date someone born in the year of the horse. If you insist on dating someone born in the year of the horse, just don’t kiss them because… well, a donkey’s lips don’t match a horse’s mouth!
43.寒意悄然来临，因为你的可爱特别对你交待，外出注意保暖，以防甲流搞坏，睡觉把头露外，别把猪头闷坏，没事叼根骨头，听说这样补钙！
43. As the cold creeps in, I specially remind you to stay warm when going out to prevent catching the flu. When sleeping, don’t cover your head, or you’ll闷坏 (smother) your pig head. Chew on a bone when you’re bored; I heard it helps with calcium!
44.一只蛐蛐跟猪打赌说：我跳进草里你就看不见我，猪说：我要看得见你呢？于是蛐蛐跳进草里。猪在看，猪在看！猪还在看！猪咋还在看呢！
44. A cricket bet with a pig: “If I jump into the grass, you won’t be able to see me.” The pig asked: “What if I can still see you?” So the cricket jumped into the grass. The pig was looking, looking, and still looking! Why is the pig still looking!
45.5深爱着1，表达爱意时却遭到拒绝，5大吼：为什么？这一切都是为什么？1不好意思地说：俺妈说了，我们不能找个挺着啤酒肚的。
45. The number 5 deeply loves the number 1, but when expressing its love, it was rejected. 5 yelled: “Why? Why is this happening?” 1 shyly said: “My mom said we can’t be with someone with a beer belly.”
46.晚上在一家五星级酒店猛吃了一顿，结账时我说没带钱。经理叫来保安威胁我，叫我在酒店当服务员还钱。我问经理：“那刚才应聘为什么不要我？”
46. I had a big meal at a five-star hotel, and when it was time to pay, I said I didn’t have any money. The manager called security to threaten me, asking me to work as a waiter to pay off my debt. I asked the manager: “Why didn’t you hire me earlier when I applied?”
47.花儿开了又落了，鸟儿来了又走了，记得当年年纪小，都爱谈天都爱笑，拍拍手弯弯腰，我们曾把那皮筋跳，年少时的朋友，不顺的时候想想皮筋吧。
47. Flowers bloom and wither, birds come and go. Remember when we were young, we loved to chat and laugh. Clapping our hands and bending our waists, we used to jump rope. My friend from youth, when times are tough, think of the rope.
48.一位骑兵的妻子对丈夫说：你睡觉时讲梦话，有个什么叫‘珍妮’的，她是谁？丈夫回答：那是我的马。“啊，我连你的马都不如！”妻子伤心地说。
48. A cavalryman’s wife said to her husband: “You talk in your sleep, and there’s someone named ‘Jenny.’ Who is she?” The husband replied: “That’s my horse.” “Ah, I’m not even as important as your horse!” the wife said sadly.
49.我有十万个我爱你，每天分一个给你，那可以分年又天，但是我们都活不了那么久，所以我下辈子下下辈子都还要继续说：我爱你！
49. I have a hundred thousand “I love yous” to give you, one each day for years to come, but we won’t live that long. So, in my next life and the one after, I will continue to say: “I love you!”
50.小时候跟着妈妈去买花鸟字画，卖画人说：“我卖的是手艺，这画纸是白送你们的。”我说：“太好了，叔叔，给我拿十张画纸。”
50. When I was young, I followed my mother to buy flower, bird, and calligraphy paintings. The seller said, “I’m selling my craftsmanship, and the painting paper is a gift for you.” I said, “Great, Uncle, give me ten sheets of painting paper.”
51.公交车即将到达某站台，忽然熄火，司机招呼：“大家下车，帮忙推一把车”。下车后，众人做鸟兽散。司机抬头一看，终点站到了。
51. The bus was about to arrive at a station when it suddenly stalled. The driver called out, “Everyone, please get off and give the bus a push.” After getting off, the passengers scattered. The driver looked up and saw that they had reached the terminal station.
52.亲爱的老婆，还记得我们年青时快乐的时光吗，很久没送花给你了，你一直为家操劳着，我在这用短信送一束花给你，老婆你辛苦了！
52. Dear wife, do you remember the happy times when we were young? It’s been a long time since I’ve given you flowers. You’ve been working hard for the family. Here, I’m sending you a bouquet of flowers via text message. You’ve worked so hard, my dear!
53.温度高了，知了叫了，聚会少了，日子淡了，通讯好了，传情便了，铃声响了，祝福来了，借夏天的口，祝福牵挂的你，愿你事事如意。
53. The temperature is high, cicadas are chirping, gatherings are fewer, days are duller, communication is better, expressing feelings is easier, the ringtone sounds, and blessings come. Through the summer, I wish you everything goes well.
54.花猫碰到奶牛，彬彬有礼的和奶牛打招呼，奶牛取笑猫说：“你这么小就长胡子！”猫很生气说：“你咪咪怎么这么大了也不戴奶罩啊！”
54. A flower cat met a cow and politely greeted it. The cow teased the cat, saying, “You’re so young and already have a beard!” The cat got angry and said, “Why don’t you wear a bra with such big nipples?”
55.你要是活得不开心，我给你关心，你要是觉得不快乐，我给你关怀，你要是过得不顺意，我给你关爱，你要是真的遇到麻烦，那么我就关机…
55. If you’re not happy, I’ll care for you; if you’re not joyful, I’ll show concern; if life isn’t going well, I’ll offer love; if you’re really in trouble, then I’ll just turn off my phone…
56.一只蚂蚁居然从四川爬到了东京，可能吗？答案：地图上爬。上课铃声都响了，却没有一个同学在教室里，怎么回事？答案：上的是体育课。
56. It’s possible for an ant to crawl from Sichuan to Tokyo, right? Answer: On a map. The class bell rang, but there were no students in the classroom. What happened? Answer: It was a physical education class.
57.精神病院，一病人对医生说：我是教皇，你们都得听我的！医生：谁说的？病人：上帝说的。他刚说完，旁边一病人跳了起来：我没有说过！
57. In a mental hospital, a patient said to the doctor, “I am the Pope, and you all must listen to me!” Doctor: “Who said that?” Patient: “God did.” As soon as he finished speaking, another patient jumped up and said, “I never said that!”
58.阳光照耀的地方有我默默的祝福，月光洒向地球的时候有我默默的祈祷，流星划过的刹那我许了个愿：祝愿正在看短信的你远离猪流感病毒。
58. Where the sunlight shines, there’s my silent blessing; when the moonlight covers the Earth, there’s my silent prayer; in the moment a meteor streaks across the sky, I made a wish: I hope the person reading this message stays away from the swine flu virus.
59.老婆总觉得婚后生活不够浪漫，就对老公说：我们再谈一次恋爱如何？谁知老公忙不迭地摆手说道：算了吧，我可不愿再回到万恶的‘旧社会’！
59. The wife always felt that her married life was not romantic enough and said to her husband, “How about we fall in love again?” Her husband hurriedly waved his hand and said, “Forget it, I don’t want to go back to the evil ‘old society’!”
60.如何拯救中国足球呢？答案很简单，只要将足球加入高考主考项目就行了，以后高考考语，数，外，足球！不出20年，中国足球定能问鼎世界杯！
60. How can we save Chinese football? The answer is simple: just add football as a main subject in the college entrance examination. In 20 years, Chinese football will surely win the World Cup!
61.钱包鼓起来，身材美起来，眼睛大起来，样貌俏起来，生活阔起来，帅哥美女陪起来，你我微笑动起来，大家出去high起来。愿你以后一切顺起来！
61. May your wallet be full, your figure beautiful, your eyes big, your appearance pretty, your life prosperous, and may you be accompanied by handsome men and beautiful women. Let’s smile and go out to have fun together. I wish everything goes smoothly for you from now on!
62.宝宝问妈妈：“天空为什么会打雷，我害怕？”妈妈说：“那是因为小朋友不听话，老天爷生气了。”宝宝：“那我也生气了，为什么没有打雷？”
62. The baby asked his mother, “Why does the sky thunder when I’m scared?” The mother said, “That’s because the heavens are angry when children don’t listen.” The baby asked, “But I’m angry too, why doesn’t it thunder?”
63.其实在我心中，你一直是一个特别能忍耐、特别有魅力、特别能战斗、特别能奉献的人，最重要的是，你特别能吃苦……对不起，多打了一个“苦”字。
63. In my heart, you have always been a person with extraordinary patience, charm, fighting spirit, dedication, and most importantly, the ability to endure hardship… I’m sorry, I added an extra “hardship” there.
64.赖昌星和杨钰莹海边散步，赖指着远处的军舰说：这几年我在你身上花的钱够买这艘军舰了。杨钰莹说：这几年你在我身上打的炮也可以把这军舰炸沉！
64. Lai Changxing and Yang Yuying were taking a walk by the seaside. Lai pointed to a distant warship and said, “The money I’ve spent on you over the years could buy this warship.” Yang Yuying replied, “The number of times we’ve made love could sink that warship!”
65.人生的成功不在于拿到一幅好牌，而是怎样将坏牌打好。当心灵趋于平静，精神便得永恒。朋友，给自己一个微笑吧，这样你将看到太阳每天都是新的。
65. The key to success in life is not about being dealt a good hand, but rather how to play a bad hand well. When the mind is at peace, the spirit achieves eternity. Friend, give yourself a smile, and you will see that the sun is new every day.
66.女子择偶观：帅哥诚可贵，中年价更高，若有富翁在，两者兼可抛。剩女择偶观：房子车子靠边站，丢了西瓜拾芝麻，市场行情大掉价，你说咋办就咋办！
66. Women’s criteria for choosing a spouse: handsome guys are valuable, but middle-aged men are even more so. If there’s a wealthy man around, both can be discarded. Leftover women’s criteria for choosing a spouse: houses and cars are secondary; losing the big picture for the small details, the market value has plummeted, what can you do?
67.蝴蝶袖配罗圈腿，高跟鞋配短裙美，织女一生牛郎随，八戒爱把嫦娥追，帅哥通常配靓妹，爱情需时尚，幸福要完美，大步天鹅追！赶快行动吧！癞蛤蟆！
67. Butterfly sleeves match with rooster legs, high heels with short skirts are beautiful, the weaver girl follows the cowherd for a lifetime, and Pigsy chases Chang’e in love. Handsome guys usually pair up with pretty girls. Love needs to be fashionable, happiness must be perfect, and hurry up, toads chasing swans!
68.送你一个好朋友，他非常善解人意，你哭的时候，他陪你哭，你笑的时候，他陪你笑，就连你大发脾气的时候，他也会大发脾气哦！呵呵，是复读机啦……
68. I’m sending you a good friend who is very understanding. When you cry, he cries with you; when you laugh, he laughs with you; and even when you lose your temper, he loses his temper too! Hehe, it’s just a repeater…
69.早上上班要出门的时候，老婆说：我今天要和姐们逛街，没钱了。我投诉鄙视的目光，掏出钱包，拿出20元问：可以吗？老婆点点头，然后，然后她拿着我的钱包就走了。
69. In the morning, when leaving for work, my wife said: “I’m going shopping with my girlfriends today, and I’m out of money.” I gave her a complaining and contemptuous look, took out my wallet, and asked if 20 yuan was enough. She nodded, and then she took my wallet and left.
70.老婆你在干嘛呢？陪老公说说话吧？咱俩一起好几年了吧？吃苦受累我知道的呀！今天是爱妻日吧？让我狠狠地爱你一次吧！以后搓板不跪了吧？跪坏膝盖怎么向你求婚呀？
70. Wife, what are you doing? Come and talk to your husband, okay? We’ve been together for several years, right? I know you’ve suffered and worked hard! Is today Wife’s Day? Let me love you fiercely! Will you stop kneeling on the washboard in the future? How can I propose to you if your knees are damaged?
71.一日一位女士带着个七八岁的小孩坐公交车，一个急刹车，小孩摔倒在地。恰好这时女士在接电话，只听她语重心长地说到：坐公交车，一定要把小孩子抓牢，否则后果严重。真是经验之谈啊。
71. One day, a lady with a seven or eight-year-old child took a bus, and the child fell to the ground due to a sudden brake. At that moment, the lady was on the phone and said earnestly: “When taking the bus, you must hold the child tightly, or the consequences will be severe.” What an experience to share!
72.公交车上，两个男子因为被挤相互争吵，渐渐吵的很凶，旁边一个男的说了句话：“只会对骂，真不像爷们。”话音一落，两个正处忍耐极限的男子同时爆发，一起把那个男子狠狠暴打了一顿。
72. On the bus, two men argued over being squeezed, and their quarrel became more and more intense. A third man nearby said, “Just cursing each other, it’s not manly at all.” As soon as he finished speaking, the two men, who were at their limits, exploded together and beat up the third man fiercely.
73.四岁的阿明，在公园的广场上看一群大哥哥们跳机械舞，高兴的鼓掌欢呼，“大哥哥你们好棒哦。”当跳到慢舞步时，阿明诧异的问：“大哥哥你们卡屏了吗？我爸爸说卡屏了”重启”一下就可以的呦。”
73. Four-year-old Ah Ming watched a group of older boys dancing to hip-hop in the park square, clapping and cheering excitedly, “Big brothers, you are so great!” When they danced slowly, Ah Ming asked in surprise, “Big brothers, are you frozen? My dad said that when the screen freezes, you just need to ‘restart’ it.”
74.去商店买了盒泡面，回家的路上突然想哭，为什么总是吃得这么将就，不对自己好点？于是含泪跑回，到柜台大喊一声：“老板，再来根火腿肠！”
74. I bought a pack of instant noodles at the store and suddenly felt like crying on my way home. Why do I always settle for such simple meals and not treat myself better? So I ran back tearfully and shouted at the counter, “Boss, give me a ham sausage too!”
75.某男费了九牛二虎之力，给心仪的女生写好一封情书，他在最后添上：我答好这份考卷，静候你的录取通知！回信来了，信上只有四个字：名额已满！
75. A man spent a great deal of effort writing a love letter to the girl he liked. At the end, he added: “I have answered this exam paper well, now awaiting your admission notice!” The reply came, with only four words: “No more vacancies!”
76.男友说晚上去我们约会的灌木丛，当我到时，看到有男女在里面亲热，我拨打男友电话，想告诉他我们的地盘被发现，电话通了男友的铃声从灌木丛里飘出来。
76. My boyfriend said he would meet me at the bushes where we used to date. When I arrived, I saw a couple being intimate inside. I called my boyfriend to tell him our spot had been discovered. The call connected, and his ringtone drifted out from the bushes.
77.最近总是想你，我知道这样不好，但不把心里的话告诉你就会后悔一辈子的。不管你的决定是什么，我都不会勉强你的，如果你真的有困难那两毛钱就别还了！
77. I’ve been thinking about you lately, and I know it’s not good, but if I don’t tell you what’s in my heart, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. No matter what your decision is, I won’t force you. If you really have difficulties, then you don’t have to pay back those two毛钱 (20 cents)!
78.短信十万火急，问候直抵心底；幸福铺天盖地，你在其中沐浴；好运占据高地，为你摆好交椅；快乐柔情蜜意，与你亲密搭理；银行为你而开，钞票只管搬取。
78. Text messages are urgent, greetings reach the bottom of my heart; happiness is overwhelming, you bathe in it; good luck occupies the high ground, setting a seat for you; joy and tenderness are close to you; banks open for you, just take the money.
79.昨晚我在专心看电视，老爸拿起我手机扬言要偷看隐私。发现有密码，我坦荡荡的回答道：“密码是我的生日！”只见老爸沉思了一会，默默的放下手机走了。
79. Last night, I was watching TV attentively when my dad picked up my phone and threatened to snoop on my privacy. He found a password, and I confidently replied, “The password is my birthday!” After pondering for a moment, my dad silently put down the phone and left.
80.不是每一朵花都能代表爱情，但是玫瑰做到了；不是每一种树都能耐住干渴，但是白杨做到了；不是每一头猪都能看短消息，但是你做到了。恭喜你！
80. Not every flower can represent love, but roses have achieved it; not every tree can withstand thirst, but poplars have done so; not every pig can read short messages, but you have. Congratulations!
81.一天嘴馋的小狗又跳上餐桌找寻食物，发现一只烤鸡，正欲吃时，主人突然大叫：如果你敢对那只鸡怎样，我就对你怎样！于是小狗舔了一下鸡屁股。
81. One day, a greedy little dog jumped onto the dining table looking for food. He found a roast chicken and was about to eat it when the owner suddenly shouted: “If you dare to do anything to that chicken, I’ll do the same to you!” So the little dog licked the chicken’s butt.
82.我是一棵葱，站在风雨中。谁敢拿我去蘸酱。K他老祖宗，走过南，闯过北。厕所后边喝过水，火车道上轧过腿，还和小猪亲过嘴，看啥看，亲你咋地！
82. I am an onion, standing in the wind and rain. Whoever dares to use me for dipping sauce, I’ll kick their ancestors. I’ve been to the south and north, drunk water behind the toilet, had my legs crushed on the railway, and kissed a pig. What are you looking at? I’ll kiss you if I want to!
83.男：你真好你真好你可否成为我的宝，女：我不要我不要不要你个矮蹲炮。男：生气不好生气不好生气容易变老，女：死皮不好死皮不好死皮赖脸算鸟。
83. Boy: You are so good, can you be my treasure? Girl: I don’t want, I don’t want, you short cannon. Boy: It’s not good to be angry, it’s not good to be angry, anger makes you old. Girl: It’s not good to be shameless, it’s not good to be shameless, being shameless and persistent is nothing.
84.如果我的爱你不信，那就让它成为弥天大谎，骗你一辈子；如果我的爱你不逃，那就让它成为深牢大狱，困你一生一世；因为，我想我们一辈子在一起！
84. If you don’t believe my love, let it become a huge lie, deceiving you for a lifetime; if you can’t escape my love, let it become a deep prison, trapping you for a lifetime; because, I want us to be together forever!
85.平时上班前，我总用摩丝整理一下头型，儿子见后问：爸爸，打摩丝有什么好处。我随便回答：好看。下班回来后，儿子高兴的对我说：爸爸，我让咱家的小狗变得好看了。我一瞧，宠物狗变成了妖怪。
85. Before going to work, I always use mousse to fix my hairstyle. My son saw this and asked: “Dad, what’s the benefit of using mousse?” I casually replied: “It looks good.” When I came back from work, my son happily told me: “Dad, I’ve made our dog look good.” I took a look, and my pet dog had become a monster.
86.公交车上最讨厌的人就是那些吸烟的了，偏偏一个男人很陶醉地吸着烟，还将烟雾吐在了一位年轻女士面前。“你能不能有素质一点啊！”“已经很有数字（素质）了啊，你看那一缕烟不就是一个数字3？”
86. The most annoying people on the bus are those who smoke. A man was smoking blissfully and blew the smoke in front of a young lady. “Can’t you be more cultured?” “I’m already very cultured, you know, that wisp of smoke is a number 3.”
87.直想不明白为什么孙悟空能大闹天宫，却常打不过路上的妖怪，还劳观音太上老君搭救？最近想明白了：大闹天宫时碰到的都是给玉帝打工的，岀力但不玩命；半路碰到的都是自己出来创业的，比较拚命呐！
87. I couldn’t understand why Sun Wukong could make a mess in the Heavenly Palace, but often couldn’t defeat the monsters on the way and needed Guanyin, the Jade Emperor, and Laozi to help? Recently, I figured it out: when he made a mess in the Heavenly Palace, he encountered those who worked for the Jade Emperor, who put in effort but didn’t risk their lives; on the way, he met those who started their own businesses, who were more desperate!
88.老师再骂一个学生：你怎么这么笨！爱伊斯坦像你这么大的时候，是全班第一名，你呢？学生反击道：老师，想你这把年纪，希特勒早就自杀了，你还活着干嘛？
88. The teacher scolded a student: “Why are you so stupid! Einstein was the top student in his class when he was your age, and what about you?” The student countered: “Teacher, at your age, Hitler had already committed suicide, so why are you still alive?”
89.两个女孩到河里洗澡，忽然一条水蛇钻到了一个女孩的内裤里，女孩惊叫，另一女孩说，怕什么它又不是领导。女孩说：它虽然不是领导，但它正在做领导的事情。
89. Two girls went to the river to bathe, and suddenly a water snake crawled into a girl’s underwear. The girl screamed, and the other girl said, “What are you afraid of? It’s not a leader.” The girl replied: “Although it’s not a leader, it’s doing what leaders do.”
90.预备唱；谁娶了多愁善感的你，谁TM倒霉到底。那时的天空还很蓝，你总爱生吃大蒜。你总说毕业遥遥无期，谁让你挂科留级！我也是偶尔翻照片，才想起逗比的你。
90. Ready to sing: Whoever marries sentimental you, whoever is damned倒霉到底. The sky was still blue back then, and you always loved to eat raw garlic. You always said graduation was far away, but who let you fail and be held back! I only occasionally look at photos to remember funny you.
91.不要告诉任何人我和你联络，不然你和我都有危险，你有没有空房间让我避两天，我带三吨黄金，九枚核弹，十八个美女，五千士兵，我是拉登，我还活着。。
91. Don’t tell anyone that I’ve contacted you, or we’ll both be in danger. Do you have an empty room for me to hide in for a couple of days? I’ve brought three tons of gold, nine nuclear bombs, eighteen beauties, and five thousand soldiers. I am Bin Laden, and I’m still alive…
92.朋友：你喜欢黎明还是黄昏？某追星族：黄昏是谁？老师：“有一种东西，浑身长满漂亮的羽毛，每天早晨叫你早起，它是什么？”孩子：“是鸡毛掸子！”
92. Friend: Do you prefer dawn or dusk? A fan: Who is dusk? Teacher: “There is something that has beautiful feathers all over its body and wakes you up every morning. What is it?” Child: “A duster!”
93.公交车上一美女抱着一猫咪，一老头拎着一只麻雀，老头看见猫咪可爱就摸了摸猫咪的头，那女的没好气的说，你在摸我的咪咪，我就捏你雀雀。众人齐回头。
93. On a bus, a beautiful woman was holding a cat, and an old man was carrying a sparrow. The old man saw the cat was cute and touched its head. The woman said irritably, “If you touch my cat again, I’ll squeeze your sparrow.” Everyone turned their heads.
94.某醉汉走出电影院，登上出租车“到电影院”就睡着了。司机推醒醉汉说：“这就是电影院”“是吗？开的可真快”他一边掏钱一边说：“下次可别开这么快”
94. A drunk man walked out of the cinema and got into a taxi, saying “To the cinema” and fell asleep. The driver woke up the drunk man and said, “This is the cinema.” “Really? It was so fast,” he said, taking out his wallet. “Next time, don’t drive so fast.”
95.有一天名曰八一，字曰发亿，外号八辈子一遇，绰号八百里一奇。这一天，追求的八成实现一次，不想见的八成消散一次，该成就的八成圆一次，建军节快乐。
95. One day, there was a person named Bayi, with the courtesy name Faying, nicknamed “Once in Eight Lifetimes” and the nickname “Eight Hundred Miles of Wonder.” On this day, there was an 80% chance of achieving what one pursued, an 80% chance of avoiding what one didn’t want to see, an 80% chance of accomplishing what needed to be done, and an 80% chance of fulfilling one’s dreams. Happy Army Day.
96.当菊花每天随身携带，当飞机可以随时起飞，当黄牛拉进车站，当钓鱼进入网站，当“假爹”横行，当“伪娘”乱飞，当兰州烧饼串红网络，我们还剩下神马？
96. When chrysanthemums are carried around every day, when airplanes can take off at any time, when cattle are pulled into stations, when fishing enters websites, when “fake fathers” run rampant, when “fake women” fly around, and when Lanzhou baked cakes become popular on the internet, what else do we have left?
97.兄弟，为啥你总是跟我抢？我2，你居然比我还2！当我学业2（毕业+文凭）时，你比我2（工作+薪水），当我爱情2（相遇+相恋）时，你比我2（结婚+孩子），同样是2只眼，2双手的人，这2的差距咋这么大捏？
97. Brother, why do you always compete with me? I’m number 2, and you’re even more number 2 than me! When I got my diploma (education + degree), you were more than me (job + salary). When I fell in love (meeting + dating), you were more than me (marriage + children). We both have two eyes and two hands, but why is the gap between us so big?
98.亲爱的小芳，也许我们的命运就像是两条平行线永不相交，或是像反比例函数的图像与X轴永远没有交点。但是我想告诉你：我是一个圆，而你是圆心——你永远在我心里诶小芳！你去哪儿啊小芳！你听我说完啊小芳！
98. Dear Xiao Fang, maybe our destinies are like two parallel lines that never intersect, or like the graph of an inverse proportion function that never touches the x-axis. But I want to tell you: I am a circle, and you are the center of the circle – you will always be in my heart, Xiao Fang! Where are you going, Xiao Fang? Listen to me, Xiao Fang!
99.朋友去一座古寺游玩，途中遇到一算命的。朋友问：“给我算算，我能活多长时间！”算命的瞅着朋友的脸半天，说道：“朋友你命好啊！”朋友心中大喜，忙问：“快说，我能活多久？”算命的说：“你能活到死啊！”
99. A friend went to visit an ancient temple and met a fortune teller on the way. The friend asked, “Tell me, how long can I live?” The fortune teller looked at the friend’s face for a while and said, “You have a great destiny!” The friend was delighted and asked, “Tell me, how long can I live?” The fortune teller replied, “You can live until you die.”
100.沙和尚：我有十六变；八戒：我有三十二变：孙悟空：我有七十二变；唐僧大怒：西去的路上怎么没见到你们变个手机？你看人家妖怪都拿手机看短信呢！
100. Sha Monk: I have sixteen transformations; Pigsy: I have thirty-two transformations; Sun Wukong: I have seventy-two transformations; Tang Seng, furious: “Why didn’t I see you guys change into a mobile phone on the way to the West? Look at those demons, they’re all using mobile phones to read text messages!”
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