1.人不能低下高贵的头，但捡钱时例外。
1. One should not bow their noble head, except when picking up money.
2.小时候我以为自己长大后可以拯救整个世界，等长大后才发现整个世界都拯救不了我。
2. As a child, I thought I could save the world when I grew up; it wasn’t until I grew up that I realized the world couldn’t save me.
3.如果朋友可以出卖，每个值五块的话，我也能发笔小财了。
3. If friends could be sold, and each was worth five dollars, I could make a small fortune.
4.世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
4. In this world, I only trust two people: one is me, and the other is not you.
5.电话费透支90万的判无期，撞死人的判3年，自动取款机恶意取款17万判无期，贪污几千万判10年。
5. A person who overdrawns their phone bill by 900,000 is sentenced to life imprisonment, while one who kills someone is sentenced to 3 years, and one who maliciously withdraws 170,000 from an ATM is sentenced to life imprisonment, whereas a corrupt official who embezzles tens of millions is sentenced to 10 years.
6.我们可以躲开大家，却躲不开一只苍蝇。生活中使我们不快乐的常是一些芝麻小事。
6. We can avoid everyone, but we can’t avoid a fly. It’s often the trivial matters in life that make us unhappy.
7.有一种人只做两件事：你成功了，他妒嫉你，你失败了，他笑话你。
7. There is a kind of person who does only two things: when you succeed, they envy you; when you fail, they ridicule you.
8.不怕神一样的哥们，就怕狗一样的朋友。
8. I’m not afraid of a god-like buddy, but I am afraid of a dog-like friend.
9.上帝给了我们七情六欲，我们却把它们变成了色情和暴力。
9. God gave us seven emotions and six desires, yet we turned them into pornography and violence.
10.英雄不问出路，流氓不看岁数！
10. A hero doesn’t care about his origins, and a rascal doesn’t care about his age!
11.从猴子变成人需要成千上万年，从人变回猴子只用一瓶酒。
11. It takes thousands of years for a monkey to evolve into a human, but it only takes a bottle of alcohol for a human to devolve into a monkey.
12.你鱼肉百姓，百姓就人肉你。
12. If you exploit the people, they will devour you in return.
13.男人靠征服世界来征服女人！女人靠征服男人来征服世界！
13. Men conquer the world to conquer women! Women conquer men to conquer the world!
14.这个世界不公平就在于：上帝说：“我要光！”于是有了白天。美女说：“我要钻戒！”于是她有了钻戒。富豪说：“我要女人！”于是他有了女人。我说：“我要洗澡！”居然停水了。
14. The unfairness of this world lies in this: God says, “I want light!” and there is daylight. A beauty says, “I want a diamond ring!” and she gets it. A tycoon says, “I want a woman!” and he gets her. I say, “I want to take a bath!” and the water is cut off.
15.自从我变成了狗屎，就再也没人踩到我头上。
15. Ever since I became dog feces, no one has stepped on my head.
16.老板，来一碗泪流满面。
16. Boss, bring me a bowl of tears streaming down.
17.有钱的人怕别人知道他有钱，没钱的人怕别人知道他没钱。
17. Rich people fear others knowing they have money, while poor people fear others knowing they have no money.
18.看过水浒传吗？唐僧师徒四人被贾宝玉逼上梁山的故事。
18. Have you read Water Margin? It’s the story of how Tang Seng and his three disciples were forced onto Liangshan by Jia Baoyu.
19.有时解释是不必要的，敌人不信你的解释，朋友无须你的解释。
19. Sometimes explanations are unnecessary; enemies don’t believe your explanations, and friends don’t need them.
20.我们产生一点小分歧：她希望我把粪土变黄金，我希望她视黄金如粪土！
20. We have a minor disagreement: she wants me to turn dirt into gold, while I want her to treat gold like dirt!
21.要命的夏天来了，谁要是能给我们班教室装台空调，我们就把班主任嫁给他。
21. The deadly summer is coming. If anyone can install an air conditioner in our classroom, we will marry our headteacher to him.
22.千万别跟我求婚，一求婚我就会答应。
22. Don’t ever propose to me, because I’ll say yes.
23.人生三愿：一是吃得下饭，二是睡得着觉，三是笑得出来。
23. Three wishes in life: to eat well, to sleep soundly, and to laugh out loud.
24.我身在江湖，江湖却没有关于我的传说。
24. I am in the world of martial arts, yet there are no legends about me.
25.有棱有角的害处是，别人啃起你来十分方便。
25. The disadvantage of having edges and corners is that it’s easy for others to take a bite out of you.
26.走不进的世界就不要硬挤了，难为了别人，作贱了自己，何必呢？
26. Don’t force your way into a world that you can’t enter, making things difficult for others and demeaning yourself. Why bother?
27.爷不是你的小浣熊，玩不出你的其乐无穷。
27. I am not your little teddy bear, and I can’t bring you endless joy.
28.每个人都是囚犯，电话号码就是编号。
28. Everyone is a prisoner, and phone numbers are their numbers.
29.如果命运抓住了伱的喉咙，伱就挠命运嘚胳肢窝。
29. If fate grabs you by the throat, you should tickle its armpits.
30.我的未来不是梦，我的未来是做恶梦！
30. My future is not a dream, it’s a nightmare!
31.男女调情的时候，诞生了最具特色的汉字：凹凸。
31. When men and women flirt, the most distinctive Chinese character is born: “concave and convex” (凹凸).
32.早知道他不是好东西，就是忘了说了。
32. I knew he was no good, but I just forgot to say it.
33.让暴风雨来得更猛烈些吧，反正我是卖伞的！
33. Let the storm come even stronger, for I sell umbrellas!
34.师太，你就从了老衲吧！…很久很久以后…师太，你就饶了老衲吧！
34. Nun, please yield to me… After a long, long time… Nun, please spare me!
35.男人膝下有黄金，我把整个腿都切下来了，连块铜也没找着！
35. There is gold beneath a man’s knees, but even after cutting off my whole leg, I couldn’t find a piece of copper!
36.每次看到情侣，我就会唱那首歌，”分手快乐，祝你快乐”。
36. Every time I see a couple, I sing that song, “Happy Breakup, Wish You Happiness.”
37.老人不能打小孩，不能打女人，不能打男人往死里打。
37. The elderly should not hit children, women, or beat men to death.
38.如果领导下个月再不给我加薪，我就辞职，辞职前再给他送两条中华，抽死他。
38. If my leader doesn’t give me a raise next month, I will resign. Before resigning, I will give him two packs of Zhonghua cigarettes to smoke him to death.
39.我娘说浪子回头金不换，谁给我金子？我换。
39. My mother said that a prodigal son who returns is worth more than gold, but who will give me the gold? I’ll change.
40.爷爷都是从孙子走过来的……
40. Grandfathers were once grandsons…
41.你说你是我朋友，其实我知道，动物的确是人类的朋友。
41. You say you are my friend, but I know that animals are indeed friends to humans.
42.喜欢我的人都是好人。不喜欢我的人都是坏人。讨厌我的都不是人。
42. Those who like me are good people. Those who don’t like me are bad people. Those who hate me are not even human.
43.说谎是男人的特权，被骗是女人的专利…
43. Lying is a man’s privilege, and being deceived is a woman’s patent…
44.你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
44. You might as well let me kneel on a washboard; I can’t stand kneeling in front of the electric heater!
45.“捷克斯洛伐克”！我叫JACK，我老婆总这样抱怨我。
45. “Check-Slovakia”! My name is JACK, and that’s how my wife always complains about me.
46.高中时每人发个胸牌。一次来检查前，班主任跑到教室大声喊，大家快把胸罩戴起来，来检查的啦…全场鸦雀无声…
46. In high school, everyone was given a badge. Once, before an inspection, the headteacher ran into the classroom and shouted loudly, “Everyone, put on your bras, the inspectors are coming…” The whole room fell silent…
47.不在放荡中变坏，就在沉默中变态。
47. If not corrupted in indulgence, one would become perverted in silence.
48.广告就是告诉别人，他的钱还可以这么花。
48. Advertising is about telling others how they can spend their money.
49.我问她：”你以前交过男朋友吗？”她说：”高中的时候有交过。”我明知故问：”是河南的么？”她大惊：”当然是和男的啦!”
49. I asked her, “Have you ever had a boyfriend?” She replied, “I had one in high school.” Knowing the answer, I asked, “From Henan?” She was surprised, “Of course, with a guy!”
50.男：山外青山楼外楼，恋爱婚姻都自由。女：万水千山只等闲，还不赶快去赚钱。
50. Man: Mountains and green hills beyond the tower, love and marriage are both free. Woman: Through thousands of waters and mountains, just wait leisurely, hurry up and make some money.
51.好友谈恋爱两个月，网名改成”蓝色”。最近我才知道，蓝色直译为中文叫”不撸”。
51. A friend has been dating for two months, and changed her nickname to “Blue”. Recently, I found out that “Blue” literally translates to “No Masturbation” in Chinese.
52.你们现在谈恋爱已经晚了，大学就应该全身心读书。。。。。。这个问题。应该初中高中就解决了。
52. It’s too late for you guys to fall in love now; you should have focused entirely on studying in college… This issue should have been resolved during junior and senior high school.
53.未来要和我结婚的那位：也不知道你现在给谁谈恋爱呢。别给人家浪费感情了、找个时间咱俩认识一下呗。
53. To the person who will marry me in the future: I don’t know who you’re dating now. Don’t waste your feelings on them; find some time for us to get acquainted.
54.今天听到一个八岁的小姑娘唱，两只老虎，两只老虎，谈恋爱，谈恋爱。两只都是公的，两只都是公的，真变态，真变态。
54. Today, I heard an eight-year-old girl singing, “Two tigers, two tigers, in love, in love.” Both of them are male, both of them are male, how perverted, how perverted.
55.就算再挫也要谈恋爱，谈到世界充满爱！
55. Even if I’m not good enough, I still want to fall in love, to make the world full of love!
56.我谈过最长的恋爱，就是自恋，我爱自己，没有情敌。
56. The longest relationship I’ve ever had is with myself; I love myself, and have no rivals in love.
57.看到有篇微博说道你自己是否愿意和自己谈恋爱。我纠结了很久，最后还是选择了不愿意。瞬间我再也不怪那些抛弃我的人了。
57. I saw a Weibo post asking if you would be willing to date yourself. I hesitated for a long time, and in the end, I chose not to. In that moment, I no longer blamed those who abandoned me.
58.你出来一下，我有事想跟你谈谈。””谈什么?””恋爱。”
58. Come out for a moment, I want to talk to you about something. “What about?” “Dating.”
59.一个妇女从超市回来，忿忿地抱怨：”如果顾客永远是对的，为什么不是一切都免费。
59. A woman came back from the supermarket, complaining angrily, “If the customer is always right, why isn’t everything free?”
60.春有百花秋有月，夏有凉风冬有雪。若无烦事挂心头，便是人间好时节。
60. Spring has a hundred flowers, autumn has the moon, summer has a cool breeze, and winter has snow. If no worries burden your heart, it is a fine season in the human world.
61.没有人能预测未来，所以总有人后悔当初。
61. No one can predict the future, so there will always be regrets.
62.只有不可替代，你才不会被炒掉，但一直不可替代，就不会被提拔。
62. Only the irreplaceable will not be fired, but being always irreplaceable means you won’t be promoted.
63.春天来了，绿意盎然，他也来了，一身绿装！md，连帽子也是绿色的！
63. Spring has arrived, with greenery everywhere, and he has come too, dressed in green! Damn, even his hat is green!
64.人们喜欢春风，厌恶寒风，其实寒风是无辜的，是温度在使坏！
64. People like the spring breeze but dislike the cold wind. In fact, the cold wind is innocent; it’s the temperature that’s to blame.
65.电脑是愤怒者的麦克风，深夜它传播着我们的骂声！
65. The computer is the microphone for the angry, spreading our curses in the deep night.
66.那个叫珍妮的女孩我不喜欢，我喜欢那个叫玛尼的！
66. I don’t like the girl named Jenny; I like the one named Manny!
67.一美女说：第一次牵我手的人是给我看手相的那个先生。
67. A beautiful woman said: The first person who held my hand was the man who read my palm.
68.不是你不滚，是我不够狠。
68. It’s not that you don’t leave; it’s just that I’m not ruthless enough.
69.老师本想对同学们说把掌声送给自己，可不小心说成把巴掌送给自己。说完，一同学”啪””啪”就给了自己两耳光。
69. The teacher wanted to tell the students to give applause to themselves, but accidentally said to give slaps to themselves. After saying that, one student “pa” “pa” gave themselves two slaps in the face.
70.考题再复杂，终究没有我这心情复杂。
70. No matter how complicated the exam questions are, they are still not as complicated as my emotions.
71.谁说水火无情，当你快要被口水淹死的时候，你却火了。
71. Who says water and fire are merciless? When you are about to be drowned by saliva, you become popular.
72.眉毛上的汗水，眉毛下的泪水，你总得选一样。
72. Sweat on the eyebrows, tears under the eyebrows, you have to choose one.
73.思想就像内裤，要有，但不能逢人就证明你有。
73. Thoughts are like underwear; you have to have them, but you can’t prove it to everyone.
74.为什么你坐在那儿，看上去就像一个没写地址的信封？
74. Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without an address?
75.君子报仇，十年不晚，小人报仇，从早到晚。
75. A gentleman’s revenge can wait ten years, but a petty person seeks revenge from morning to night.
76.天上终不会掉陷饼，它只会掉陷阱。
76. Heaven will never drop a pie; it only drops traps.
77.白色加白色就是黑色，因为双重否定就是肯定。
77. White plus white equals black, because a double negative is a positive.
78.我对你的感情就像雷锋对于穷人的怜悯。
78. My feelings for you are like Lei Feng’s compassion for the poor.
79.寂寞就是有人说话时，没人在听，有人在听时，你却没话说了！
79. Loneliness is when someone is talking, but no one is listening; when someone is listening, you have nothing to say!
80.比遇见一个泼妇更让人头痛的是……同时遇见两个泼妇。
80. Meeting one shrew is more headache-inducing than meeting two at the same time.
81.我想把我的一生浓缩成一句笑话。
81. I want to condense my whole life into a single joke.
82.如果跟导师讲不清楚，那么就把他搞胡涂吧！
82. If you can’t explain it to your mentor, just confuse him!
83.你不是黄蓉，你只是蝗虫，你为嘛要靖哥哥？你真不要脸。
83. You’re not Huang Rong; you’re just a locust. Why do you want Jingge brother? You’re shameless.
84.这么不要脸，这么没心没肺，你的体重应该会很轻吧？
84. So shameless and heartless, your weight should be very light, right?
85.路上见一车，车后贴着六个字：着急你飞过去。
85. I saw a car on the road with six words on the back: If you’re in a hurry, fly past it.
86.我说过做人要低调。可你非要给我掌声和尖叫。
86. I said that one should be low-key, but you insist on giving me applause and screams.
87.女人是招商银行，男人则是建设银行。
87. Women are like the Merchants Bank, while men are like the Construction Bank.
88.低调闷骚的高调，高调被打的征兆。
88. A low-key person who shows off is a sign of getting beaten up.
89.你要是鲜花，以后牛都不敢拉屎了。
89. If you were a flower, cows would be too scared to poop.
90.女人装比那叫资本，男人装比那叫变态。
90. Women showing off is called capital, while men showing off is called perversion.
91.不怕喝敌敌畏，就怕开盖有惊喜，畅享多一瓶。
91. I’m not afraid of drinking DDT, but I’m afraid of the surprise inside when I open the cap, enjoy an extra bottle.
92.我一定要出现你家户口本上，做不了你老公，也做你小爹。
92. I must appear on your household registration book, if not as your husband, then as your father-in-law.
93.又帅又车，那是象棋，有钱有房，那是银行。
93. Handsome and with a car, that’s chess; money and a house, that’s a bank.
94.哥吸烟、是因为它伤肺，不伤心。
94. I smoke because it hurts my lungs, not my heart.
95.花有百样红，人与狗不同。
95. Flowers come in a hundred shades of red, but people are different from dogs.
96.男人被甩，金钱问题，女人被甩，面貌问题，我被甩，你他妈脑袋有问题。
96. Men get dumped for money issues, women for appearance issues, and me? You’ve got a problem in your head.
97.人生自古谁无死，哪个拉屎不用纸。
97. Since ancient times, who hasn’t died? Who doesn’t use toilet paper when taking a dump?
98.人生就像大便，一旦冲走了，就不会再回来。
98. Life is like poop; once it’s flushed away, it won’t come back.
99.人长得漂亮不如活得漂亮！
99. It’s better to live beautifully than to be beautiful.
100.前途是光明的，道路是没有的。
100. The future is bright, but there’s no path.
笑到肚子痛的经典短句
1.如果世界上真的有像小说里一样的男主角，那世界，就真的玄幻了！
1. If there really were male protagonists like in novels, the world would truly be a fantastical place!
2.如果我的考试成绩能像房价涨得那么快，那么这个世界该有多可爱。
2. If my exam scores could rise as quickly as housing prices, how lovely this world would be.
3.广告看的好好的，突然蹦出个电视剧来…郁闷…
3. I was watching commercials just fine when suddenly a TV drama popped up… So frustrating…
4.世上最美的事，就是吃饱了睡觉有空调。
4. The most beautiful thing in the world is to have a full meal, sleep with air conditioning, and be content.
5.胸大未必嫁潘安，胸小也能钓彦祖。
5. A big chest doesn’t guarantee marrying a handsome man like Pan An, but a small chest can still attract someone like Yan Zu.
6.整天看《还珠格格》，我都有点同情容嬷嬷了。
6. After watching “My Fair Princess” all day, I’ve started to feel sympathy for Rongma.
7.空山新雨后，自挂东南枝，欲穷千里目，自挂东南枝，天生我材必有用，各种自挂东南枝。
7. After a fresh rain in the empty mountains, I hang myself from the southeast branch; to see a thousand miles, I hang myself from the southeast branch; since I am born with talents, I will find my use, hanging from the southeast branch in various ways.
8.上课可以治疗同学们的失眠。
8. Attending class can cure fellow students’ insomnia.
9.被傻子喜欢也是总炫耀。
9. Being liked by a fool is also a reason to show off.
10.似花似水似你妈，倾国倾城倾你爸。
10. Like a flower, like water, like your mom; captivating, enchanting, like your dad.
11.我厌恶骨子里的优柔寡断。
11. I despise the indecision ingrained in my very being.
12.私奔的缩写是SB，AV在键盘后面跟的还是SB。
12. The abbreviation for eloping is SB, and AV on the keyboard is still followed by SB.
13.今天吃饭前照常看了一下菜，天啊！今天没有肉。
13. Today, before eating, I checked the dishes as usual, oh my! There’s no meat today.
14.都说姐漂亮，其实都是妆出来的。
14. They say I’m beautiful, but it’s all thanks to my makeup.
15.你抓着你的鸡爪指着我干嘛知不知道我喜欢泡椒味的不喜欢人渣味的。
15. Why are you pointing at me with your chicken feet? Don’t you know I like the flavor of pickled peppers, not the taste of scum?
16.上学最开心听到的一句话就是：今天班主任不在。
16. The most delightful thing to hear at school is: “The headteacher is not here today.”
17.每次你说我不够独立的时候、我都选择沉默。我很想告诉你、当我不再依赖你、就是你该滚的时候了。
17. Every time you say I’m not independent enough, I choose to remain silent. I really want to tell you that when I no longer rely on you, it’s time for you to leave.
18.男人最大的本事，就是把自己的女朋友放纵到别的男人都受不了。
18. A man’s greatest skill is to indulge his girlfriend so much that no other man can bear her.
19.别要不要分白天黑夜的在我面前犯贱。
19. Don’t be shameless in front of me, whether it’s day or night.
20.生活就像新闻联播，不是换台就能逃避的了的。
20. Life is like the news broadcast, you can’t escape it by just changing the channel.
21.我是个特别的人，我是个平凡的人，所以我是个特别平凡的人。
21. I am a special person, I am an ordinary person, so I am a particularly ordinary person.
22.妈妈说：就算吃醋也要装的跟喝了酱油似的，不能让别人瞧不起。
22. Mom said: Even if you are jealous, you should pretend to be like you just drank soy sauce, and not let others look down on you.
23.车道山前必有路，有路我也刹不住。
23. There must be a way when you reach the mountain road, but even if there is a way, I can’t stop.
24.在野外遇到蛇怎么办？不要惊慌，面带温润的笑容撑起一把伞，假装是许仙。
24. What to do if you encounter a snake in the wild? Don’t panic, put on a gentle smile, hold up an umbrella, and pretend to be Xu Xian.
25.昨天去市里参加放鸽子比赛，结果就我一个人去了。
25. Yesterday, I went to the city to participate in a pigeon flying contest, and it turned out that I was the only one who went.
26.吃，我所欲也，瘦，亦我所欲也，二者不可得兼，我了个去也。
26. Eating, I desire it; being thin, I desire it too. Since I can’t have both, oh my!
27.别以为我长的帅就认为我遥不可及高不可攀，其实我是海纳百川啊。
27. Don’t think that just because I’m handsome, I’m unapproachable and unreachable. Actually, I’m as inclusive as the ocean.
28.有的人活着，她已经死了。有的人活着，他早该死了！
28. Some people are alive, but they are already dead. Some people are alive, but they should have died long ago!
29.爱我，就给我穿上婚纱，然后再亲手扒光。
29. If you love me, put a wedding dress on me and then take it off with your own hands.
30.避孕的效果：不成功，便成“人”。
30. The effect of contraception: if not successful, it becomes a “person.”
31.谢你抢了我对象，让我知道他是人模狗样。
31. Thank you for taking my partner, which let me know he is a hypocrite.
32.我未来的女朋友，现在在和谁谈恋爱？
32. Who is my future girlfriend dating now?
33.世界上的脑残这么多，可是你却成了其中的佼佼者。
33. There are so many mentally challenged people in the world, but you have become the cream of the crop.
34.淑女就是未进化的比卡丘。绅士就是披着羊毛的狼。
34. A lady is an unevolved Pikachu. A gentleman is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
35.还没来得急沾花捻草，就已经被别人拔光了。
35. I haven’t even had the chance to flirt, and I’ve already been picked clean by others.
36.当初我看上你，因为我脑子进水了，现在我脑子抖干了。
36. I was attracted to you at first because I had water on the brain; now my brain is dried up.
37.你讲我坏话时能不能别添油加醋，以为炒菜啊。
37. When you gossip about me, can you stop exaggerating, thinking you’re stir-frying?
38.没钱的时候，在家里吃野菜，有钱的时候，在酒店吃野菜。
38. When I have no money, I eat wild vegetables at home; when I have money, I eat wild vegetables at the hotel.
39.俺从不写措字，但俺写通假字！
39. I never write wrong characters, but I write pseudo-characters!
40.勃起不是万能的，但不能勃起却是万万都不能的！
40. Erections are not omnipotent, but not being able to erect is absolutely impossible!
41.借朋友的车开，朋友说还的时候要给车加油。还车时，我冲车鼓了鼓掌。
41. I borrowed a friend’s car and was told to refuel it when returning it. When I returned the car, I clapped for the car.
42.给我一个女人，我可以创造一个民族，给我一瓶酒，我可以带领他们征服全世界！
42. Give me a woman, and I can create a nation; give me a bottle of wine, and I can lead them to conquer the world!
43.生下来的人没有怕死的，怕死的都没生下来，所以谁都别装横！
43. No one is born afraid of death; those who are afraid of death were never born, so don’t act tough!
44.如果考试用QB做奖励，那么国家马上就会富强的。
44. If exams used QB as a reward, the country would become rich and powerful immediately.
45.大哥，把你脸上的分辨率调低点好吗？
45. Big brother, could you please lower the resolution of your face?
46.天塌下来你顶着，我垫着！
46. If the sky falls, you hold it up, and I’ll cushion it!
47.“特别能吃苦”这个字，我想了想，我只做到了前四个。
47. “Especially able to endure hardship” - I thought about it, and I only managed the first four characters.
48.初恋无限好，只是挂得早。
48. First love is infinitely good, but it ends early.
49.敬告各位家长：请不要骂自己的孩子是“小兔崽子”，因为从遗传学的角度讲，这对你们自己是非常不利的。
49. A warning to all parents: Please do not call your children “little rabbits,” as it is very unfavorable to you from a genetic perspective.
50.谁骂我傻B我跟谁好，我就喜欢和B交朋友。
50. Whoever calls me a fool, I will be friends with them; I like making friends with “B.”
51.世界上最远的距离不是你我天各一方，而是同窗不同房。
51. The farthest distance in the world is not between you and me, but being in the same class, yet in different rooms.
52.因为我掏心掏肺的去爱你，所以我只能没心没肺的放弃你。
52. Because I loved you with all my heart, I can only give you up heartlessly.
53.过去一直喜欢她的胸怀宽广，其实那也无非是一片飞机场！
53. I used to like her broad-mindedness, but in fact, it was nothing more than an airport runway!
54.自从我变成了狗屎，就再也没有人踩在我头上了。
54. Ever since I became dog feces, no one has stepped on my head.
55.承诺，就像放屁，当时惊天动地，过后苍白无力。
55. Promises are like farts; they are earth-shattering at the time, but pale and powerless afterward.
56.你若废我现在，我必废你将来。
56. If you ruin me now, I will definitely ruin your future.
57.腾讯的“正在输入”，给了多少人希望，又给了多少人失望。
57. Tencent’s “Typing” gives hope to many people, and also brings disappointment to many.
58.上联：学生证准考证身份证证证没带下联：听力题阅读题作文题题题不做横批：重在参与。
58. Upper couplet: Student ID, exam ID, ID card - no ID brought; Lower couplet: Listening, reading, writing questions - no questions done. Horizontal scroll: Participation is key.
59.女人分结婚与不结婚两种，男人分自愿结婚与被迫结婚两种。
59. Women are divided into married and unmarried, while men are divided into voluntary and forced marriages.
60.天苍苍、地茫茫、物价不断长。买的起车，加不起油，公交还挺忙，有车一族终成伤。挣不来钱去买房，美女在上涨，价位不可挡，凭俺的收入，今生无希望，独叹空悲对月流，清风吹落泪两行!
60. The sky is vast, the earth is boundless, and prices keep rising. Can afford a car but not the gas; public transport is still busy. The car owners become the injured. Can’t earn money to buy a house, beautiful women are on the rise, prices unstoppable. With my income, there’s no hope in this life. Sighing alone, tears streaming down in the moonlight, the breeze blows two lines of tears!
61.结婚当然是件好事，上瘾就麻烦了。
61. Marriage is certainly a good thing, but getting addicted to it is troublesome.
62.江山如画皮，人生如梦遗。
62. The landscape is like a painting, and life is like a dream left behind.
63.不要说别人脑子有病，脑子有病的前提是必须有个脑子。
63. Don’t say others have a problem with their brain; the prerequisite for having a problem with their brain is that they must have a brain.
64.不蒸馒头争口气行吗?
64. Can we fight for our dignity without fighting over steamed buns?
65.不要乐观的像个屁一样，自以为能惊天动地。
65. Don’t be so optimistic like a fart, thinking it can shake the heavens and move the earth.
66.步步高打火机，哪里不会点哪里。
66. Step by step, the higher the lighter, point where you don’t know, light where you don’t know.
67.男人不能惯，越惯越混蛋。女人就得宠，越宠越有种，还是别人的。
67. Men should not be spoiled, the more you spoil them, the more bastard they become. Women should be pampered, the more you pamper them, the more they have a certain quality, but they still belong to others.
68.穿的一个比一个危险，长得一个比一个安全
68. One is more dangerous than the other in dressing, but one is safer than the other in appearance.
69.春色满园关不住，我诱红杏出墙来。
69. The spring scenery in the garden cannot be contained; I lure the red apricot out of the wall.
70.到处都有痛苦，而比痛苦更为持久且尖利伤人的是，到处都有抱有期望的等待。
70. There is pain everywhere, but what is more enduring and sharp than pain is the waiting with expectations everywhere.
71.和你擦肩而过你却不知道是我，因为我把头扭过去了。
71. I passed by you, but you didn’t know it was me because I turned my head away.
72.即使有人骂我神经病，我也会坚强的抬起头蔑视的对他说“你难道和我一个医院的?
72. Even if someone calls me a mental patient, I will raise my head strongly and look down on him, saying, “Are you from the same hospital as me?”
73.戒烟容易，戒你太难!
73. Quitting smoking is easy, but quitting you is too difficult!
74.考试时，本想要咸鱼翻锅的，他奶奶的，没想到粘锅了。
74. During the exam, I wanted to turn the salted fish, but it got stuck to the pan.
75.没有人在世界上能够“弃”你，除非你自己自暴自弃。因为我们是属于自己的，并不属于他人。
75. No one in the world can “abandon” you unless you abandon yourself. Because we belong to ourselves, not to others.
76.从前有人在我空间里跑堂，不到两秒钟，嘎的一下就死了。
76. Once, someone ran through my space, and in less than two seconds, they suddenly died.
77.大部分人一辈子只做三件事：自欺、欺人被人欺。
77. Most people do three things in their lives: deceive themselves, deceive others, and be deceived by others.
78.你的年龄有多大，我不关心。我想知道，为了爱，为了梦，为了生机勃勃的奇遇，你是否愿意像傻瓜一样冒险?
78. I don’t care how old you are. I want to know, for love, for dreams, for vibrant adventures, are you willing to take risks like a fool?
79.顾客不是上帝，顾客只是上当。
79. Customers are not God; customers are just deceived.
80.人间正道是沧桑，活的不要太嚣张。
80. The right path in the world is full of vicissitudes; don’t live too arrogantly.
81.如果你年轻却不激进，那么你就是个没心的人，如果你老了却不保守，那么你就是个没脑的人。
81. If you are young and not radical, then you are a heartless person. If you are old and not conservative, then you are a brainless person.
82.如今这社会，女的照相照胸，男的照相照车谁知道胸是不是挤的，车是不是你的。
82. Nowadays in this society, women take photos of their chests, men take photos of their cars. Who knows if the chest is squeezed or if the car is really yours.
83.你肺活量是多少啊，能把牛B吹的这么大。
83. How much lung capacity do you have? You can blow such a big牛皮 (figuratively speaking).
84.本无意与众不同，怎奈何品味出众。
84. I didn’t intend to be different, but my taste is outstanding.
85.闭上眼睛，我看到了我的前途。
85. Close my eyes, and I see my future.
86.不怕虎一样的敌人，就怕猪一样的队友!
86. It’s not the enemy like a tiger that scares me, but the teammate like a pig!
87.出生时你哭着，所有都笑着，离去时你笑着，所有都哭着。
87. When you are born, you cry while everyone else laughs. When you leave, you laugh while everyone else cries.
88.穿别人的鞋，走自己的路，让他们打的找去吧。
88. Wear other people’s shoes and walk your own path, let them search for a taxi.
89.多多关注三峡在线，便可分享更多经典盘点。
89. Pay more attention to Three Gorges Online, and you can share more classic summaries.
90.路见不平一声吼，吼完继续往前走。
90. When you see injustice, shout out, and then continue to move forward.
91.你那么喜欢劈腿，怎么不去跳芭蕾舞。
91. You like cheating so much, why not try ballet dancing?
92.女人先表现自己大方，男人就不敢小气。
92. If a woman shows her generosity first, men will not dare to be stingy.
93.卧梅又闻花，卧枝伤恨低。邀闻卧石碎，卧湿达春绿。
93. Lying on the plum blossom, I smell the fragrance of flowers, the branches hurt my heart. Inviting the scent of the broken stone, I feel the greenery of spring in the dampness.
94.人生不能像做菜、把所有的料都准备好才下锅。
94. Life cannot be like cooking; you cannot prepare all the ingredients before starting to cook.
95.如果你容不下我，不是你的心胸太狭小，就是我的人格太伟大。
95. If you can’t tolerate me, either your heart is too narrow, or my personality is too great.
96.铁杵能磨成针，但木杵只能磨成牙签，材料不对，再努力也没用。
96. An iron pestle can be ground into a needle, but a wooden pestle can only be ground into a toothpick. If the material is wrong, no effort will help.
97.听说女人如衣服，兄弟如手足。回想起来，我竟然七手八脚的裸奔了年!
97. I heard that women are like clothes, and brothers are like hands and feet. Looking back, I have been running naked for years with eight hands and feet!
98.我不是随便的人，我随便起来不是人。
98. I am not a casual person; when I am casual, I am not human.
99.我的未来不是梦，我的未来是噩梦。
99. My future is not a dream, it’s a nightmare.
100.我认为我颓废，原来我报废了!
100. I thought I was decadent, but it turns out I am scrapped!
幽你一默的简短搞笑句子
1.瘦不了的永远在骚动，吃不胖的都有恃无恐。
1. Those who can never lose weight are always restless, while those who can’t gain weight are fearless.
2.穿别人的鞋，走自己的路，让他们找去吧。
2. Wear other people’s shoes and walk your own path, let them search for it.
3.不要乐观的像个屁一样，自以为能惊天动地。
3. Don’t be so optimistic like a fart, thinking it can shake the world.
4.三分天注定，七分靠打拼，还有九十分在老师那里。
4. Thirty percent is destined, seventy percent depends on hard work, and the remaining ninety percent is with the teacher.
5.晚上想想千条路，早上起来走原路。
5. At night, I think of a thousand paths, but in the morning, I still follow the same old one.
6.我的袜子全是洞，我的未来不是梦。
6. All my socks have holes, but my future is not a dream.
7.我也曾青春逼人，可惜现在青春没了，就剩这么个逼人了。
7. I used to be as youthful as anyone, but now my youth is gone, leaving only this imposing presence.
8.我对你的深情无法付诸语言，除了一句“滚一边去”。
8. I cannot express my deep feelings for you in words, except for “go away.”
9.对于姑娘来说：出来混，迟早是要怀的。
9. For girls: when you’re out in the world, sooner or later, you’ll get pregnant.
10.天涯何处无牛粪，何必单恋一坨屎。
10. There’s cow dung everywhere in the world, so why be infatuated with just one pile of shit?
11.如果有一天全世界的男人来月经了，我会去卖卫生经。
11. If one day all the men in the world get their periods, I’ll start selling sanitary pads.
12.以后不要在我面前说英文，OK？
12. Don’t speak English in front of me anymore, OK?
13.如果男人不帮你穿上婚纱，你就送他件袈裟。
13. If a man doesn’t help you put on your wedding dress, give him a monk’s robe.
14.如果我是僵尸，我一定择吃掉所有好学生的脑。
14. If I were a zombie, I would definitely choose to eat the brains of all the good students.
15.打个小麻将，吃个麻辣烫。找个小对象，生活就这样。
15. Play a small game of mahjong, eat some spicy hot pot. Find a small partner, and that’s life.
16.在这个什么都涨价的时代里，我突然欣喜地发现，空气没有涨价，反倒是料越来越多了。
16. In this era of rising prices, I am suddenly delighted to find that air has not increased in price, but the ingredients have become more abundant.
17.迄今为止，三个苹果改变了世界:一个诱-惑了夏娃，一个砸醒了牛顿，一个握在乔布斯手里。
17. So far, three apples have changed the world: one tempted Eve, one awakened Newton, and one was held in Jobs’ hand.
18.现在北京只有呼吸和放屁不用排队了。
18. Nowadays, in Beijing, only breathing and farting don’t need to wait in line.
19.即使你已名花有主，我也要移花接木。
19. Even if you are already taken, I will still try to win you over.
20.鹅鹅鹅，曲项用刀割，拔毛加瓢水，点火盖上锅!
20. Goose, goose, goose, with a curved neck, cut with a knife. Pluck the feathers and add water, light the fire and cover the pot!
21.看到有篇微博说道你自己是否愿意和自己谈恋爱。我纠结了很久，最后还是选择了不愿意。瞬间我再也不怪那些抛弃我的人了。
21. I saw a Weibo post asking if you would be willing to date yourself. I hesitated for a long time and finally chose not to. In that moment, I stopped blaming those who abandoned me.
22.你出来一下，我有事想跟你谈谈。””谈什么?””恋爱。”
22. “Come out for a moment, I want to talk to you about something.” “What’s that?” “Love.”
23.一个妇女从超市回来，忿忿地抱怨：”如果顾客永远是对的，为什么不是一切都免费。
23. A woman came back from the supermarket and complained angrily, “If the customer is always right, then why isn’t everything free?”
24.春有百花秋有月，夏有凉风冬有雪。若无烦事挂心头，便是人间好时节。
24. In spring, there are flowers; in autumn, there is the moon; in summer, there is a cool breeze; in winter, there is snow. If there are no worries in your heart, it is a good time in the world.
25.没有人能预测未来，所以总有人后悔当初。
25. No one can predict the future, so there are always people who regret their past decisions.
26.只有不可替代，你才不会被炒掉，但一直不可替代，就不会被提拔。
26. Only when you are irreplaceable will you not be fired, but if you are always irreplaceable, you will not be promoted.
27.春天来了，绿意盎然，他也来了，一身绿装！md，连帽子也是绿色的！
27. Spring has arrived, and everything is green, and he has also come, dressed in green! Damn it, even his hat is green!
28.人们喜欢春风，厌恶寒风，其实寒风是无辜的，是温度在使坏！
28. People like the spring breeze and hate the cold wind, but the cold wind is innocent; it’s the temperature that’s causing trouble!
29.电脑是愤怒者的麦克风，深夜它传播着我们的骂声！
29. The computer is the microphone for the angry, spreading our curses in the deep night.
30.那个叫珍妮的女孩我不喜欢，我喜欢那个叫玛尼的！
30. I don’t like the girl named Jenny; I like the one named Manny!
31.我可没说你不要脸，我是说不要脸的都是你这样的。
31. I didn’t say you have no shame; I said that those who have no shame are like you.
32.装逼只是瞬间，不要脸才是永恒。
32. Pretending to be cool is just a moment; having no shame is eternal.
33.有些事情无须抬杠，表面服从偷偷反抗。
33. There is no need to argue about some things; just comply on the surface and secretly resist.
34.我喝酒是想把痛苦溺死，但这该死的痛苦却学会了游泳。
34. I drink to drown my sorrows, but the damned pain has learned how to swim.
35.若不弃，此生不离，若嫌弃，死一边去。
35. If you don’t give up, we will never part; if you despise me, go die.
36.上帝给了我们七情六欲，我们却把它们变成了色情和暴力。
36. God gave us seven emotions and six desires, but we turned them into pornography and violence.
37.遇到你之前，我的世界是黑白的，遇到你之后，哇塞！全黑了……
37. Before I met you, my world was in black and white; after meeting you, wow! It’s completely dark…
38.现在的社会，插队都得排队。
38. In today’s society, you have to wait in line to cut in line.
39.三人行必有我妻，选其美者而取之。
39. Among three people, there must be my wife; I will choose the most beautiful one.
40.穷耐克，富阿迪，流氓一身阿玛尼。
40. Poor people wear Nike, rich people wear Adidas, and gangsters wear Armani.
41.苹果最光荣的一刻就是砸在了牛顿的头上。
41. The most glorious moment for an apple was when it hit Newton on the head.
42.我不需要你理解，只需要你闭嘴。
42. I don’t need you to understand, I just need you to shut up.
43.祖国的花朵，开一朵我踩一朵。
43. The flowers of the motherland, I’ll step on each one that blooms.
44.要不是老师说不能乱扔垃圾，不然我早把你扔出去了。
44. If it weren’t for the teacher saying not to litter, I would have thrown you out long ago.
45.傻与不傻，要看你会不会装傻。
45. Being foolish or not depends on whether you know how to pretend to be foolish.
46.偷吃不是我的错，是我嘴巴的寂寞。
46. It’s not my fault for sneaking a bite; it’s the loneliness of my mouth.
47.我不是优乐美，我只是敌敌畏，你想把我捧在手心么。
47. I’m not an elegant pleasure; I’m just a pesticide. Do you want to hold me in your palm?
48.老板，有没有可乐？给我拿瓶雪碧……
48. Boss, do you have any cola? Give me a bottle of Sprite…
49.我觉得地球好危险，我想火星了。
49. I feel the Earth is so dangerous; I miss Mars.
50.哪家的名门之后啊，你爹是天蓬元帅啊！
50. Which prestigious family do you come from? Is your father Marshal Tian Peng?
51.水壶啊，你为什么哭泣，是因为屁股太烫了吗？
51. Kettle, why are you crying? Is it because your bottom is too hot?
52.风刮的真大，把我移动的手机信号都刮成联通的啦！
52. The wind is so strong that it has changed my mobile signal from Mobile to Unicom!
53.熬夜，是因为没有勇气结束这一天，赖床，是因为没有勇气开始这一天。
53. Staying up late is because I don’t have the courage to end the day; staying in bed is because I don’t have the courage to start the day.
54.我不但手气好，脚气也不错。
54. Not only do I have good luck in my hands, but my feet are also quite lucky.
55.每次临时抱佛脚的时候，佛总是给我一脚。
55. Every time I try to seek help from Buddha at the last minute, he always kicks me.
56.他人笑我看不穿，我笑他人啥也不穿。
56. Others laugh at me for not seeing through things; I laugh at others for not wearing anything.
57.人如果靠吃饭活着，那饭不叫饭，叫饲料。
57. If people live by eating, then that food is not called food, but fodder.
58.昨晚我拿你的承诺去喂狗，第二天早上发现狗死了。
58. Last night, I fed your promise to the dog, and the next morning I found the dog dead.
59.每次写简历都会比以前更敬佩自己一些。
59. Every time I write a resume, I admire myself more than before.
60.你眼里的高压电，足够让我的手机用一年。
60. The high voltage in your eyes is enough to power my phone for a year.
61.别以为你长的稀有样我们就应该物以稀为贵。
61. Don’t think that just because you have a rare look, we should value you highly.
62.青春啊，你太痘了！
62. Youth, you’re so full of acne!
63.每个宿舍都有一个磨牙的，一个说梦话的，一个打呼噜的，一个睡很晚的。
63. Every dormitory has a teeth grinder, a dream talker, a snorer, and someone who sleeps very late.
64.师太，批上老纳的袈纱后，你就是老纳的人了。
64. Master, once you put on my kasaya, you will be mine.
65.如果说剪掉头发就是剪掉回忆，那我剪成光头是不是可以失忆？
65. If cutting off hair means cutting off memories, would shaving my head make me amnesiac?
66.本想华丽的转身，不料低调的撞墙。
66. I wanted to make a gorgeous turn, but unexpectedly, I bumped into the wall discreetly.
67.春天我把男朋友种进地里，到了秋天，我就把这茬给忘了。
67. In spring, I planted my boyfriend in the ground, and by autumn, I completely forgot about it.
68.我对着镜子说，镜子，镜子，我是不是这个世界上最美丽的，镜子碎了。
68. I said to the mirror, mirror, am I the most beautiful in the world? The mirror shattered.
69.世界上两件事最难：一是把自己的思想装进别人的脑袋，二是把别人的钱装进自己的口袋。前者成功了叫老师，后者成功了叫老板，两者都成功了可以叫老婆或大学或教堂！
69. The two hardest things in the world are: one, putting your thoughts into someone else’s mind, and two, putting other people’s money into your pocket. The former succeeds and you’re called a teacher, the latter succeeds and you’re called a boss, and if both succeed, you can be called a wife, university, or church!
70.我不是那种落井下石的人，我是直接把井封了。
70. I’m not the kind of person who throws a stone into the well; I just seal the well directly.
71.百度搜不到你，只好进搜狗！
71. I can’t find you on Baidu, so I have to use Sogou!
72.你长得如此多娇，引无数瞎子竞折腰。
72. You are so charming that you attract countless blind men to compete in admiration.
73.经常会从梦中惊醒，因为做了一个饿梦，好饿好饿的梦。
73. I often wake up from my dreams because I had a hungry dream, so hungry, so hungry.
74.男人被甩，金钱问题，女人被甩，面貌问题，我被甩，你他妈脑袋有问题。
74. Men are dumped for financial issues, women are dumped for appearance issues, and I’m dumped because you have a problem with your damn head.
75.如果你活着，早晚都会死，如果你死了，你就永远活着。
75. If you’re alive, you’ll die sooner or later; if you’re dead, you’ll live forever.
76.你玩你的自定义、我玩我的格式化。
76. You play your custom, I play my format.
77.小姐，对不起，我长得不帅。但不是每个女人都有机会。
77. Miss, I’m sorry, I’m not handsome. But not every woman has the opportunity.
78.不是哥迷恋传说，只是传说太美。
78. It’s not that I’m infatuated with legends, it’s just that the legends are too beautiful.
79.哥只不过是个局，而你却入了迷。
79. I’m just a game, but you’re captivated by it.
80.不要迷恋哥，嫂子才是传说。
80. Don’t be infatuated with me, sister-in-law is the legend.
81.又帅又车，那是象棋，有钱有房，那是银行。
81. Handsome and with a car, that’s chess; rich and with a house, that’s a bank.
82.上帝创造了处女，我创造了妇女。
82. God created virgins, I created women.
83.放眼过去全是货，老妹你想跟谁过。
83. Looking around, there’s nothing but goods; little sister, who do you want to be with?
84.别拿你弹视频的速度，来挑战哥拉黑的技术。
84. Don’t challenge my skill of blocking with your speed of sending videos.
85.狐狸不是妖、性感不是骚。
85. Foxes are not demons, and sexiness is not vulgarity.
86.各种姿势，各种招。各种澎湃，各种飘。
86. Various poses, various tricks. Various excitement, various floating.
87.喊疼的不一定是处女，但勾引男人的一定是婊子。
87. The one who cries out in pain is not necessarily a virgin, but the one who seduces men is definitely a slut.
88.女人混的好、是嫂子，混不好，是婊子。
88. A woman who gets along well is a sister-in-law, and one who doesn’t is a slut.
89.小鸟虽小，可它玩的确是整个天空。
89. Though small, the little bird plays with the entire sky.
90.黄瓜必须拍，人生必须嗨。
90. Cucumbers must be smashed, and life must be lively.
91.爱情不过是寂寞时、扯把美丽的犊子。
91. Love is just a beautiful lie when you’re lonely.
92.距离产生的不是美，而是第三者。
92. Distance creates not beauty, but a third party.
93.小三的威力、一般人貌似抵挡不住。
93. The power of a mistress seems to be irresistible to ordinary people.
94.每个女人总会为某一个男人而下贱。
94. Every woman will eventually become cheap for a certain man.
95.人生就像打电话，不是你先挂，就是我先挂！
95. Life is like making a phone call; either you hang up first, or I do.
96.人不可貌相，小三不可斗量。
96. One should not judge by appearances, and one should not underestimate a mistress.
97.货有过期日，人有看腻时。你在我心里，能牛逼几时。
97. Goods have an expiration date, and people have a time when they grow tired of looking. How long can you be awesome in my heart?
98.当有人在装酷时，姐都会低下头。不是姐修养好，姐只是在找砖头。
98. When someone is acting cool, I will lower my head. It’s not because I have good manners, but because I’m looking for a brick.
99.年少时的你我因为没有学好爱情这门功课而变出了错误百出的答卷。
99. In our youth, you and I made a mistake-filled answer sheet because we didn’t learn the subject of love well.
100.曾经有个小女孩在楼上对我说：哥哥你好帅啊!我当即回了句：不帅不帅、随便长的。
100. Once, a little girl on the building said to me: “Brother, you are so handsome!” I immediately replied: “Not handsome, not handsome, just a random look.”
经典搞笑的雷人语录
1. 人生就像一场戏，因为有缘才相聚。 Life is like a play, we gather together because of fate. 2. 世上无难事，只怕有心人。 There are no difficult things in the world, only people with determination. 3. 人生如梦，一樽还酹江月。 Life is like a dream, a toast to the moon over the river. 4. 人生就像一场游戏，玩得开心就好。 Life is like a game, as long as you’re happy while playing. 5. 人生如逆旅，我亦是行人。 Life is like a journey against the current, and I am also a traveler. 6. 人生就像一场考试，不在乎分数，只在乎过程。 Life is like an exam, it’s not about the score, but the process. 7. 人生就像一场马拉松，只有坚持到底的人才能到达终点。 Life is like a marathon, only those who persist can reach the finish line. 8. 人生如茶，苦涩中带着甘甜。 Life is like tea, bitter with a hint of sweetness. 9. 人生就像一场梦，梦醒时分，一切都会过去。 Life is like a dream, when you wake up, everything will pass. 10. 人生如戏，全靠演技。 Life is like a drama, all depends on the acting.
1.没有强大的主人，别以为你是狗就可以乱咬人！
1. Without a powerful owner, don’t think that just because you’re a dog, you can bite people at will!
2.枕着打印机睡，就能打印出一整夜的梦吧？
2. Sleeping with a printer as a pillow might print out an entire night of dreams, right?
3.系好安全带，前方也许有场爱情正等着你。
3. Fasten your seatbelt, for there might be a love waiting for you up ahead.
4.小明：“爸爸我是不是傻孩子啊？”爸爸：“傻孩子，你怎么会是傻孩子呢？”
4. Xiao Ming: “Dad, am I a silly child?” Dad: “Silly child, how could you be a silly child?”
5.人生就像一场旅行，在乎的不是目的地。而是沿途的“NB”，以及对付“NB”时的心情！
5. Life is like a journey; it’s not about the destination, but the “NB” along the way and the attitude towards dealing with “NB.”
6.站在岁月的岸边，向自己的过往打个水漂吧……
6. Standing on the shore of time, let’s skip a stone across our past…
7.有时候老天下一场雨，是因为世界需要洗一洗，有时候眼睛下雨了，是因为心需要洗一洗！
7. Sometimes the heavens rain because the world needs a wash, and sometimes eyes rain because the heart needs a wash.
8.我是穷人，请勿盗墓！
8. I am poor, so please don’t rob my grave!
9.别以为你比我年轻，你就能多蹦跶几天，棺材装的是死人不是老人！
9. Don’t think that just because you’re younger than me, you can bounce around for more days. A coffin carries the dead, not the old!
10.名人名言，你得先是名人了那才是名言，别人的屁都是名屁！你能比吗？
10. A famous quote only becomes a famous quote when you’re a celebrity. Even someone else’s fart is a famous fart! Can you compare?
11.哥是文明人，所有脏话均已使用唾液消毒。
11. I am a civilized person; all dirty words have been disinfected with saliva.
12.如果我死了，我的第一句话是：老子终于不用怕鬼了。
12. If I die, my first words will be: I finally don’t have to be afraid of ghosts anymore.
13.我这一生一共做错两件事，其一是生出来，另一是活下去。
13. I’ve made two mistakes in my life: being born and living on.
14.人生就是呼吸，呼是为了出一口气，吸是为了争一口气。
14. Life is all about breathing; exhaling is to let out a breath, and inhaling is to fight for a breath.
15.天若有情天亦老，抢我对象死的早。
15. If heaven has feelings, it too will grow old. Whoever takes my partner will die young.
16.游戏和女友最大的区别就是，一个要下副本一个要下血本！
16. The biggest difference between a game and a girlfriend is that one requires downloading a副本 (level/mission), while the other requires investing blood money!
17.做清淡欢颜的女子，写高贵的情书给自己。
17. Be a gentle and cheerful woman, writing noble love letters to yourself.
18.这个世界，没有那么多单纯的如果，不爱就是不爱了。
18. In this world, there aren’t that many simple “ifs.” If someone doesn’t love you, they just don’t.
19.我这人没啥优点，就是受表扬能力特强！
19. I don’t have many strengths, but I excel at accepting compliments!
20.以为自己长得漂亮又怎样，老娘不屑，最终还不是当别人情妇。
20. What’s the point of thinking you’re pretty? I despise it. In the end, you’ll still just be someone’s mistress.
21.趁我还爱你，你可不可以不要错过我？
21. While I still love you, can you not miss me?
22.你的态度决定我的态度，你若对我沉默，我也只好对你冷漠。
22. Your attitude determines my attitude; if you are silent to me, I can only be indifferent to you.
23.别站在你的角度看我，我怕那你看不懂。
23. Don’t look at me from your perspective; I’m afraid you won’t understand.
24.我们活着的大多数人，一辈子只做了三件事：自欺、欺人、被人欺。
24. Most of us who live our lives only do three things: deceive ourselves, deceive others, and be deceived by others.
25.我不怕喝敌敌畏，就怕开盖畅饮，再来一瓶。
25. I’m not afraid of drinking pesticide, but I’m afraid of opening the bottle and finding another one inside.
26.如果你是一朵花，那牛都不拉粪了。
26. If you were a flower, even cows wouldn’t defecate.
27.你一出门千山鸟飞绝，万径人宗灭。
27. When you step out, a thousand mountains become devoid of birds, and ten thousand paths are deserted.
28.女人如衣服，但姐是你穿不出来的气质。
28. Women are like clothes, but I am the temperament you can never wear.
29.为了祖国的下一代，再丑都得谈恋爱，谈到世界充满爱。
29. For the sake of the next generation of our motherland, even if you’re ugly, you have to fall in love and make the world full of love.
30.打算理发了，甩流海甩得头都崴了。
30. I’m planning to get a haircut; my head is twisted from constantly flipping my bangs.
31.我的兴趣爱好可分为静态和动态两种，静态就是睡觉，动态就是翻身。
31. My hobbies can be divided into two types: static, which is sleeping, and dynamic, which is turning over.
32.刷牙是件悲喜交加的事，一手拿杯具，一手拿洗具。
32. Brushing teeth is a bittersweet experience, holding a cup of tragedy in one hand and a cup of joy in the other.
33.锄禾日当午，上学真幸苦，已进入学校，罚站一下午。
33. Hoeing the field under the midday sun, school is truly miserable; once you enter the school, you stand punished for the whole afternoon.
34.我平胸我骄傲，我为国家省布料。
34. I’m flat-chested, and I’m proud; I save fabric for the country.
35.执子之手，将子拖走，子若不走，拍晕了继续拖走！
35. Holding your hand, I’ll drag you away; if you don’t leave, I’ll knock you out and continue dragging you!
36.自从得了精神病，整个人都精神多了。
36. Ever since I got mental illness, I’ve become more energetic.
37.我没时间去讨厌那些讨厌我的人，因为我在忙着爱那些爱着我的人。
37. I don’t have time to hate those who hate me because I’m busy loving those who love me.
38.上床这么纯洁的事情，别被爱情玷污了。
38. Don’t let love tarnish such a pure thing as going to bed.
39.有些话，你想说自然会说，不想说，听到的也只是假话。
39. Some words, if you want to say them, you’ll say them; if not, all you’ll hear are lies.
40.因为我什么都不怕，所以我什么都不能输。
40. Because I’m not afraid of anything, I can’t lose at anything.
41.有些人那么谦虚，有些人那么骄傲，却没有一个人实事求是。
41. Some people are so modest, while others are so arrogant, yet no one is realistic and pragmatic.
42.我们就像两条平行线，永远也不会有交点。
42. We are like two parallel lines, never to have an intersection.
43.姐不需要谁爱我，更不需要谁疼我，姐会狠狠疼爱自己。
43. I don’t need anyone to love me or pamper me; I will love and pamper myself fiercely.
44.不想看你不开心，却又嫉妒你和别人太开心！
44. I don’t want to see you unhappy, but I’m jealous when you’re too happy with others!
45.那些曾经泼过我冷水的人，我一定会烧开了还给你们。
45. To those who have poured cold water on me in the past, I will definitely boil it and return it to you.
46.老师上课的质量，决定手机此月的流量。
46. The quality of the teacher’s class determines the mobile data usage for this month.
47.你用温柔将我所有的菱角磨平，然后用尽全力伤我到死。
47. You used your gentleness to smooth all my edges and corners, and then tried your best to hurt me to death.
48.你就像根苦瓜，穿得这么清凉，长得这么败。
48. You are like a bitter gourd, dressed so cool and looking so miserable.
49.你既然这么轻易地被种在我的心里，那么，就别想轻易逃脱出去！
49. Since you were so easily planted in my heart, don’t even think about escaping easily!
50.长了副猪样，就不要以为自己是人，老娘看不起你。
50. If you have a pig-like appearance, don’t think you are a person; I look down on you.
51.别跟我说你不差钱，既然如此，来来，你往外丢，我接着。
51. Don’t tell me you don’t lack money. If that’s the case, come on, throw it out, and I’ll catch it.
52.别说小三骚，谁让他一勾搭就上套。
52. Don’t say the mistress is flirtatious; it’s because she’s easy to get involved with him.
53.谁的旧爱不是别人的新欢，谁的新欢不是别人的旧爱。
53. Whose ex-lover isn’t someone else’s new love, and whose new love isn’t someone else’s ex-lover?
54.谁要是再敢惹我，我就趁清明之前把他埋了。
54. If anyone dares to provoke me again, I will bury them before Qingming Festival.
55.不管谁泼我们冷水，我们都要有骨气的变成开水泼回去。
55. No matter who pours cold water on us, we must have the courage to turn into boiling water and pour it back.
56.有棱有角的害处是，别人啃起你来十分方便。
56. The disadvantage of having edges and corners is that it’s very convenient for others to bite you.
57.走不进的世界就不要硬挤了，难为了别人，作贱了自己，何必呢？
57. If you can’t enter a world, don’t force your way in. It’s difficult for others and degrades yourself. Why bother?
58.看过水浒传吗？唐僧师徒四人被贾宝玉逼上梁山的故事。
58. Have you read Water Margin? The story of Tang Seng and his three disciples being forced onto Liangshan by Jia Baoyu.
59.每次看到情侣，我就会唱那首歌，”分手快乐，祝你快乐”。
59. Every time I see a couple, I sing that song, “Happy Breakup, I wish you happiness.”
60.老人不能打小孩，不能打女人，不能打男人往死里打。
60. The elderly should not hit children, women, or men to death.
61.如果领导下个月再不给我加薪，我就辞职，辞职前再给他送两条中华，抽死他。
61. If my boss doesn’t give me a raise next month, I’ll quit and send him two packs of Zhonghua cigarettes before I leave, hoping he dies from smoking.
62.我娘说浪子回头金不换，谁给我金子？我换。
62. My mother said that a prodigal son who returns is more valuable than gold, but who will give me the gold? I’ll make the change.
63.爷爷都是从孙子走过来的……
63. Every grandfather was once a grandson…
64.你说你是我朋友，其实我知道，动物的确是人类的朋友。
64. You say you are my friend, but I know that animals are indeed friends of humans.
65.喜欢我的人都是好人。不喜欢我的人都是坏人。讨厌我的都不是人。
65. People who like me are good people. Those who don’t like me are bad people. And those who hate me are not even human.
66.说谎是男人的特权，被骗是女人的专利…
66. Lying is a man’s privilege, and being deceived is a woman’s patent…
67.爷不是你的小浣熊，玩不出你的其乐无穷。
67. I am not your little panda; I can’t bring you endless joy.
68.每个人都是囚犯，电话号码就是编号。
68. Everyone is a prisoner, and phone numbers are our numbers.
69.如果命运抓住了伱的喉咙，伱就挠命运嘚胳肢窝。
69. If fate grabs you by the throat, you should tickle its armpits.
70.我的未来不是梦，我的未来是做恶梦！
70. My future is not a dream, it’s a nightmare!
71.我觉得你真的不是个合格的朋友，你还是改行做我老婆吧！
71. I think you’re really not a qualified friend; you should change your career and be my wife!
72.哥脸上的那绝对不是痘，那叫青春。
72. What’s on my face is not acne; it’s called youth.
73.如果你在大街上大吼一声”贱人“绝对比叫一句美女回头率来的高!
73. If you shout “bitch” on the street, you’ll get a higher turn-around rate than calling someone “beautiful”!
74.现在的花心，是因为当初的比任何人都用心。
74. My current flirtatiousness is because I once cared more than anyone else.
75.有一种态度叫有情犯贱，有一种状态叫没事找抽。
75. There’s an attitude called affectionate humiliation, and a state called asking for trouble.
76.神州行我看行，我不缴费看你行不行。
76. I think China Mobile works fine, but we’ll see how well you do without paying the bill.
77.我觉得打电话挺好的，这样说的每句话都是值钱的。
77. I think making phone calls is great because every word spoken is valuable.
78.其实我很宅，只是宅在谁家里的问题。
78. Actually, I’m quite a homebody; it’s just a matter of whose house I’m staying at.
79.白驼山壮骨粉，挨一刀涂一包，包你想挨第二刀…
79. Baituoshan Strong Bone Powder: apply one packet after a cut, and you’ll want to get cut again…
80.你现在过得好吗？如果你过得不好我也就安心了。
80. How are you doing now? If you’re not doing well, I’ll feel relieved.
81.新时代的女性，上的了厅堂，翻的了围墙，斗的了小三，打的了流氓，就是下不了厨房。
81. In the new era, women can handle sophisticated social situations, climb walls, confront mistresses, and fight against hooligans, but they just can’t get into the kitchen.
82.谁他二大爷的告诉我诺基亚能砸核桃，现在黑屏了。
82. Who the hell told me that Nokia phones can crack walnuts? Now the screen is black.
83.人生苦短，必须性感。
83. Life is short, so we must be sexy.
84.虽然你身上喷了古龙水，但我还是能隐约闻到一股人渣味儿。
84. Even though you’ve sprayed yourself with cologne, I can still vaguely smell the scent of a scumbag.
85.你那副正经的样子，貌似真的听懂人话呐！
85. You look so serious, as if you really understand what people are saying!
86.我跟伍佰不熟，他弟弟二百五跟我很熟。
86. I’m not familiar with Wu Bai, but I’m very close to his brother, Er Bai Wu.
87.我建议大家对我的长相，理解为主，欣赏为辅。
87. I suggest that when it comes to my appearance, understanding should be the main focus, and appreciation should be secondary.
88.结束友情的方式有许多种，最彻底的一种是借钱不还。
88. There are many ways to end a friendship, and the most thorough one is to borrow money and not pay it back.
89.暗恋就是没有配高射炮的雷达，默默地锁定了敌机。
89. Secret love is like a radar without an anti-aircraft gun, silently targeting the enemy aircraft.
90.在猪圈里，你不必讲究人类的礼仪。
90. In a pigsty, you don’t need to follow human etiquette.
91.不求门当户对，只求感觉到位。
91. I don’t seek a perfect match, but rather the right feeling.
92.土是用来挖的，坑是用来埋你的。
92. Dirt is meant to be dug, and holes are meant to bury you.
93.永远都不要跟同一个傻子争辩，因为争辩到最后，会分不清谁是傻子。
93. Never argue with the same fool, because in the end, you won’t be able to tell who the fool is.
94.你到挺有个性，个不高性格还那么不好。
94. You do have a unique personality, but your height and bad temper don’t help.
95.没心没肺，能活百岁，问心无愧，做人不累。
95. With no worries and a clear conscience, you can live a long life without getting tired.
96.真怀念小时候啊，天热的时候我也可以像男人一样光膀子！
96. I really miss when I was a child, and I could bare my chest like a man on hot days!
97.我看你就一专业织网的，而且专捕企鹅。
97. You seem like a professional at weaving nets, and you specialize in catching penguins.
98.你别总日啊日的，你家老母狗都快怀孕了。
98. Don’t keep saying “day” all the time; your mother dog is almost pregnant.
99.虽然我不能菩度众生，但我可以祸害苍生。
99. Although I can’t help everyone, I can bring trouble to the world.
100.勇于认错，坚决不改。
100. Be brave to admit your mistakes, but never change them.
越短越好的搞笑的句子
1.思想就像内裤，要有，但不能逢人就证明你有。
1. Thoughts are like underwear; you must have them, but you don’t need to prove it to everyone.
2.为什么你坐在那儿，看上去就像一个没写地址的信封？
2. Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without an address?
3.人长得漂亮不如活得漂亮！
3. It’s better to live beautifully than to be beautiful.
4.前途是光明的、道路是没有的。
4. The future is bright, but there is no path.
5.不想当神父的道士不是好和尚。
5. A Taoist who doesn’t want to be a priest is not a good monk.
6.不是人人都能活的低调，可以低调的基础是随时都能高调。
6. Not everyone can live a low-profile life; the basis for being low-key is the ability to be high-profile at any time.
7.不怕路远，就怕志短，不怕缓慢，就怕常站;不怕贫穷，就怕惰懒，不怕对手悍，就怕自己颤。
7. Don’t be afraid of long roads, but be afraid of short ambitions; don’t be afraid of slow progress, but be afraid of always standing still; don’t be afraid of poverty, but be afraid of laziness; don’t be afraid of tough opponents, but be afraid of trembling yourself.
8.逆风的方向，更适合飞翔。我不怕万人阻挡，只怕自己投降。
8. The direction against the wind is more suitable for flying. I’m not afraid of thousands of people blocking me, but I’m afraid of surrendering myself.
9.你想死呢、还是你不想活拉。
9. Do you want to die, or do you not want to live?
10.没有激情，爱就不会燃烧，没有友情，朋就不会满座，没有豪情，志就难于实现，没有心情，事就难于完成。
10. Without passion, love won’t burn; without friendship, friends won’t fill the seats; without ambition, it’s hard to achieve goals; without mood, tasks are hard to complete.
11.大事坚持原则，小事学会变通。
11. Stick to principles in important matters, and learn to be flexible in trivial matters.
12.出门在外，老婆有交待，坐车莫坐第一排，菜夹不到站起来，喝酒别把胃喝坏，路边野花不要采，情人莫带屋里来。
12. When you’re out, your wife has instructions: don’t sit in the first row of the bus, stand up if you can’t reach the dishes, don’t drink too much alcohol, don’t pick wildflowers by the roadside, and don’t bring lovers home.
13.要说别人脑子有病，脑子有病的前提是必须有个脑子。
13. To say someone has a problem with their brain, they must have a brain in the first place.
14.让女孩变成女人是作为男人最基本的责任和义务。
14. Turning a girl into a woman is the most basic responsibility and obligation of a man.
15.女人无所谓正派，正派是因为受到的引诱不够，男人无所谓忠诚，忠诚是因为背叛的筹码太低。
15. Women are not inherently virtuous; they may not be virtuous because the temptation is not enough. Men are not inherently loyal; they may not be loyal because the cost of betrayal is too low.
16.你你你这个小妖精，令我中了你的爱情毒却迟迟不肯给我解药！小坏蛋！哦，我快要不行了！救救我吧！办法很简单：给我你的爱！
16. You little demoness, you’ve made me fall in love with you, but you won’t give me the antidote! You little rascal! Oh, I can’t take it anymore! Save me! The solution is simple: give me your love!
17.感觉不到痛苦的爱情不是真正的爱情，感觉不到幸福的婚姻必是悲哀的婚姻。
17. Love without pain is not true love; a marriage without happiness is a sad marriage.
18.有钱的都是大爷!但是欠钱不还的更是!
18. Rich people are the bosses! But those who owe money and don’t pay back are even more so!
19.命运负责洗牌，但是玩牌的是我们自己!
19. Fate is responsible for shuffling the cards, but we are the ones who play the game!
20.我这心碎得，捧出来跟饺子馅似的。
20. My heart is broken into pieces, like wonton filling when I hold it in my hands.
21.我的领带又找不到了，是不是你昨天又没有找到抹布？
21. I can’t find my tie again; did you not find a rag yesterday?
22.你瞧你吧！看背影急煞千军万马；转过头吓退百万雄师。
22. Look at you! From behind, you could make thousands of soldiers and horses feel urgent; but when you turn around, you could make millions of heroes retreat in fear.
23.明月几时有，把酒问青天…青天说：滚你妈的，我这么忙，哪有时间理你，自己看天气预报去…
23. When will the bright moon appear? I raise my glass to ask the blue sky… The blue sky replies: “Get lost, I’m so busy, I don’t have time for you. Go check the weather forecast yourself…”
24.我身在江湖，但江湖里却没有我得传说。
24. I am in the world of martial arts, but there are no legends about me in it.
25.拾到两角钱很高兴，拿起来一看是“一九九二年”的钱，“这钱过期了”
25. I was happy to find 20 cents, but when I picked it up, I saw it was from 1992. “This money has expired.”
26.现在的梦想决定着你的将来，还是再睡一会吧！
26. Your dreams now determine your future, so let’s take a nap instead!
27.刚才在一个网站上注册了一个用户名叫“爹”，结果给我发了一个邮件，开始我一看就傻眼了，上面写的是：爹，您好，你的用户名注册成功了！
27. I just registered a username “Dad” on a website, and they sent me an email. At first glance, I was stunned. It said: “Dad, hello, your username has been successfully registered!”
28.如果照镜子要上税，恐怕有些女人会破产。
28. If looking in the mirror required paying taxes, some women might go bankrupt.
29.逃课太多，一天想去上课，见到教授，教授惊讶地说，这么长时间不见，长这么大了。
29. I skipped class for so long that one day I wanted to attend a lecture. When the professor saw me, he was surprised and said, “Long time no see, you’ve grown so much!”
30.乞丐：大嫂，我两天没吃饭了，能给点儿蛋糕吗？大嫂：蛋糕？我这儿只有米饭。乞丐：要是平常也就算了，可今天是我的生日！
30. Beggar: Sister, I haven’t eaten for two days. Can you give me some cake? Sister: Cake? All I have here is rice. Beggar: If it were any other day, I would have settled for that, but today is my birthday!
31.今天四级听力听得最清楚的一句：现在请监考老师把磁带拿出来翻到B面继续听。
31. The clearest sentence I heard in today’s Level 4 listening test: “Now, please ask the proctor to take out the tape and turn it to Side B to continue listening.”
32.90后的你有著一颗80后的心和一张70后的脸。
32. As a post-90s person, you have the heart of a post-80s person and the face of a post-70s person.
33.戒烟了，再抽真就腾云驾雾了！
33. I quit smoking; if I smoke again, I’ll really be walking on clouds.
34.因为我怕黑!所以我从小学习成绩就不好!”“和怕黑有什么关系”因为不敢看黑板。
34. “I’m afraid of the dark! That’s why I’ve had poor academic performance since I was a child!” “What does being afraid of the dark have to do with it?” Because I dared not look at the blackboard.
35.我说我比较喜欢李白的诗，陆游气坏了，然后我家就没法上网了。
35. I said I prefer Li Bai’s poems, so Lu You got angry, and then I couldn’t access the internet at home.
36.年纪轻轻，体重倒是不轻。余额不多，想买的倒是不少。
36. Young in age, but not light in weight. Little balance left, but lots of things I want to buy.
37.每年夏天晒黑了，我总是会想“没事，冬天就修复好了。
37. Every summer, when I get tanned, I always think, “No worries, it will be fixed by winter.”
38.什么是安全感？就是做完题，有学霸和你念出了一样的答案。
38. What is a sense of security? It’s when you finish a question and a top student gives the same answer as you.
39.穿着恒源祥的毛衣，提着脑白金的礼盒，拿着三精葡萄酸钙，嘬着太极急支糖浆，哪儿人多奔哪儿去这就算行为艺术了吧。
39. Wearing a Hengyuanxiang sweater, carrying a Naobaijin gift box, holding Sanjing grape acid calcium, and sipping Taijiguji Zhitang syrup - going where there are crowds, this should be considered performance art, right?
40.我们只是路人甲乙丙丁，在这花花世界集体游戏。无论你输我赢，到最后咱们都会一起GameOver！
40. We are just passers-by, playing a collective game in this colorful world. No matter who wins or loses, we will all end up with a Game Over together!
41.别在我面前摆POSE，我真怕忍不住想摔相机。
41. Don’t pose in front of me; I’m really afraid I’ll忍不住想摔相机 (can’t resist the urge to drop the camera).
42.和你分手，因为，你连牵手都不配！
42. I broke up with you because you don’t even deserve to hold hands!
43.有一天小三哭了，因为出现了小四！
43. One day, the mistress cried because the fourth party appeared!
44.三鹿奶粉，后妈的选择。
44. Sanlu milk powder, the choice of stepmothers.
45.走人民币的路，让人民无路可走！
45. Take the path of the RMB and leave the people with nowhere to go!
46.分手多没意思，有本事咱俩玩离婚！
46. Breaking up is so boring; if you have the guts, let’s play at getting a divorce!
47.吉尼斯纪录：全世界最大的茶几面积为960万平方千米，可放置13亿杯具。
47. Guinness Record: The world’s largest coffee table has an area of 9.6 million square kilometers, capable of holding 1.3 billion cups of tragedy.
48.自爱，必先自私，唯有自私，才能大爱。
48. To love oneself, one must first be selfish; only by being selfish can one achieve great love.
49.一些人，总要出卖他所有的，去换取他所没有的。
49. Some people always have to sell everything they have in exchange for what they don’t have.
50.在学校是那钱混日子，现在是拿日子混钱！
50. In school, I spent money to pass the days; now, I spend days to make money!
51.考试考得好，全靠同桌好。
51. I did well in exams all thanks to my deskmate!
52.本人鄙视那些，常用表情聊天的人。
52. I despise those who often use emojis to chat.
53.有心才会累，无心者无所谓。
53. It’s the heart that gets tired; those without a heart don’t care.
54.做男人的最高境界不是你去泡妞，而是让妞来泡你。
54. The highest境界 of being a man is not about chasing girls, but letting them chase you.
55.要有多大的身躯，才能撑起您那龌龊的灵魂啊！
55. How big of a body do you need to support your filthy soul?!
56.你不能当饭吃，但没有你，我吃不下饭。
56. You can’t be my food, but without you, I can’t eat.
57.假如生活欺骗了我，那我也去欺骗生活。
57. If life deceives me, I will deceive life in return.
58.你让我下不了台，我让你连上台的机会都没有。
58. You’ve embarrassed me; I’ll make sure you don’t even get a chance to be on stage.
59.你住在我心里，你交房租了吗？
59. You live in my heart; have you paid the rent?
60.体育老师说：谁敢穿裙子上我的课，就罚她倒立！
60. The PE teacher said: Whoever dares to wear a skirt in my class will be punished by standing on their hands!
61.最尴尬的莫过于和女友去民政局登记，工作人员竟是前女友。
61. The most embarrassing thing is to go to the civil affairs bureau with your girlfriend for registration, only to find out that the staff member is your ex-girlfriend.
62.不喜欢我，我就把你阉了做我妹。
62. If you don’t like me, I’ll castrate you and make you my sister.
63.我站在你的城府里大声叫到：哎哟！满深的啊！
63. I stand in your cunning plan and shout: Ouch! It’s so deep!
64.第三者不是后来的那个，而是不被深爱的那个。
64. The third person is not the one who comes later, but the one who is not deeply loved.
65.世界上最郁闷的事莫过于踩到自己拉的粑粑。
65. The most depressing thing in the world is to step on your own poop.
66.穿别人的鞋走别人的路，让别人既找不到鞋又找不到路。
66. Wear other people’s shoes and walk their path, so that they can’t find their shoes or the way.
67.姐不是蒙娜丽莎，不会对每个人都微笑。
67. I’m not the Mona Lisa, I won’t smile at everyone.
68.男人说喜欢你，只是喜欢你的身体罢了。
68. When a man says he likes you, he just likes your body.
69.世上男人千千万，实在不行天天换。
69. There are thousands of men in the world, if it doesn’t work out, change them every day.
70.牛B中的战斗机，贱人中的VIP。
70. The fighter in the NB, the VIP among the despicable.
71.肖邦，你要能弹出劳资的悲伤，劳资就给你一块钱。
71. Chopin, if you can play my sadness, I’ll give you a dollar.
72.家长会和小三的性质都是一样的，都是挑拨家庭关系的。
72. Parent-teacher conferences and mistresses are the same, both are about disrupting family relationships.
73.大大咧咧不一定是坏，温文尔雅不一定是真。
73. Being carefree doesn’t mean bad, and being gentle doesn’t mean true.
74.我本就不是娇滴滴的女生，不需要被保护，一个人也可以很好。
74. I’m not a delicate girl, I don’t need to be protected, I can be fine on my own.
75.就算你瘦了，变好看了，你什么都好了，不爱你的人还是不爱你。
75. Even if you lose weight, become more beautiful, and everything is good about you, the person who doesn’t love you still won’t love you.
76.婊子配狗天长地久，狗男配鸡如胶似漆。
76. Bitches and dogs will be together forever, and dog men and bitches will stick together like glue.
77.如果你讨厌我，我一点也不介意，我活着不是为了取悦你。
77. If you hate me, I don’t mind at all, I’m not living to please you.
78.世界上最爱我的男人，已经娶了我妈。
78. The man who loves me the most in the world has already married my mom.
79.真正的境界是宁可自己去原谅别人，莫让别人来原谅你。
79. The true realm is to prefer forgiving others rather than having others forgive you.
80.长大了，娶唐僧做老公，能玩就玩一玩，不能玩就把他吃掉。
80. When I grow up, I want to marry Tang Seng as my husband, to play with him if possible, and if not, just eat him.
81.不该看的不看，不该说的不说，不该听的不听，不该想的不想，该干什么干什么去。
81. Don’t look at what you shouldn’t, don’t say what you shouldn’t, don’t listen to what you shouldn’t, and don’t think about what you shouldn’t. Just do what you should be doing.
82.别跟我谈感情，谈感情伤钱。
82. Don’t talk to me about emotions; talking about emotions costs money.
83.爱情有时很像醉酒的感觉，头脑明明是清醒的，但行为就是不受控制。
83. Love sometimes feels like being drunk; the mind is clear, but the actions are uncontrollable.
84.别说一辈子，别说永远，谁能对未来承诺呢？我们能把握的，无非是当时当地的感情。但一辈子，也是无数个现在组成的，努力好了每个瞬间，也就是永远了。
84. Don’t say a lifetime, don’t say forever; who can promise the future? What we can grasp is just the feelings of the moment. But a lifetime is made up of countless moments, and if we strive in every moment, it will be forever.
85.为中华而努力读书！一包中华好多钱啊！
85. Study hard for China! A pack of Zhonghua cigarettes costs a lot!
86.和谐校园里，骑自行车的也许是位博导，而开奔驰的则可能是个后勤。
86. In a harmonious campus, the person riding a bicycle might be a professor, while the one driving a Mercedes could be a logistics staff member.
87.其实人活着的时候就是一个躯壳，死了就变成一堆骨灰。
87. In fact, when people are alive, they are just a shell; when they die, they become a pile of ashes.
88.我对你的心，比钻石还坚硬。。。。。。不会是心结石吧？
88. My heart for you is harder than a diamond… It’s not a gallstone, right?
89.你发神经的时候，就像猪上树一样让人吃惊。
89. When you’re being crazy, it’s as surprising as a pig climbing a tree.
90.话说动物园有一只猴子，奇丑无比，人见人吐！第二天我去看了，我吐了！第三天你去了，猴子吐了！
90. There’s a monkey in the zoo that’s incredibly ugly, making people vomit upon seeing it! The next day, I went to see it, and I vomited! The third day, you went, and the monkey vomited!
91.人生就像一块破铜烂铁，把它扔进火里，敲敲打打，也能炼出一副精品！
91. Life is like a piece of scrap metal; throw it into the fire, hammer it, and you can still forge a fine piece!
92.完美的男友：不吸烟，不喝酒，不欺骗。不存在！
92. The perfect boyfriend: doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, and doesn’t lie. He doesn’t exist!
93.一般般的我，一般般的亮。一般般的你，我看不上！
93. I’m just average, and so is my brightness. You’re average, and I don’t look up to you!
94.地铁上的广告：挤吗？买辆车吧！出租车上的广告：赌吗？坐地铁吧！靠，忽悠我还是怎么着！
94. Subway advertisement: Crowded? Buy a car! Taxi advertisement: Gambling? Take the subway! Come on, are you kidding me or what?
95.知道高晓松为啥喝醉酒不？那是因为药家鑫想让他唱一首“同牢的你”。
95. Do you know why Gao Xiaosong got drunk? It’s because Yao Jiaxin wanted him to sing a song called “You in the Same Cell.”
96.今天MM的生日，为了第一个送上祝福，凌晨我准时拿起手机发了一条信息：沙发。
96. Today is MM’s birthday, and in order to be the first to send my wishes, I picked up my phone on time in the early morning and sent a message: Sofa.
97.靠山吃山，靠水吃水，今天抢劫，不许不给，谁要反抗，让他见鬼。
97. Live off the land and the water; today, I’m robbing, and no one is allowed to refuse. If anyone resists, let them meet the devil.
98.昨天是历史，今天是开始，明天谁都不好使！
98. Yesterday is history, today is the beginning, and tomorrow, no one will be able to stop me!
99.最近神马开始变驴腿了，浮云变雨水了！
99. Recently, Pegasus has started to have donkey legs, and floating clouds have turned into rain!
100.我只顾着往后看，却没有在意前面的路有多长。
100. I was only looking back, not paying attention to how long the road ahead was.
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