1、有位非常漂亮的女同事，有天起晚了没有时间化妆便急忙冲到公司。结果那天她被记旷工了……
1. A very beautiful female colleague, one day got up late and had no time for makeup, so she rushed to the company. As a result, she was marked as absent that day…
2、妻子外出讨债，几个月后却空手而归。老公生气地说：“你真无能！”妻子不服地说：“我虽然没有要到钱，但老板的孩子被我当了人质！”老公大喜，问道：“人呢？” 妻子一拍肚子，说：“关在里面了！”
2. The wife went out to collect debts, and after a few months, she returned empty-handed. The husband angrily said, “You’re really incompetent!” The wife unconvincedly said, “Although I didn’t get the money, I took the boss’s child as a hostage!” The husband was overjoyed and asked, “Where is the person?” The wife patted her stomach and said, “Locked inside!”
3、结婚之前——男：“亲爱的，能不能和你啪啪？”女：“可以，但是得给我买漂亮衣服。”结婚以后——老婆：“亲爱的，今晚啪啪怎么样？”老公：“不要了，明天我给你买漂亮衣服可以吗？”
3. Before marriage - Boy: “Honey, can I have sex with you?” Girl: “Sure, but you have to buy me pretty clothes first.” After marriage - Wife: “Honey, how about having sex tonight?” Husband: “Not now, I’ll buy you pretty clothes tomorrow, okay?”
4、办公室一美女刚休完产假第一天上班， 一男同事快速冲杯咖啡端到美女面前，美女受宠说: 我在哺乳期，不能喝咖啡！ 男同事：谁让你喝了，让你给加点奶。
4. A beautiful office lady just returned to work after maternity leave, and a male colleague quickly made a cup of coffee and brought it to her. The beauty, feeling favored, said, “I’m breastfeeding, I can’t drink coffee!” The male colleague: “Who asked you to drink it? Add some milk for me.”
5、唐僧第一次见悟空的时候问他是不是从一个叫做美国的地方来，悟空摇摇头。唐僧又问悟空觉得自己长得好看吗，悟空摇摇头。唐僧：那你为什么叫美猴王？
5. When Tang Monk first met Wukong, he asked if he came from a place called America, Wukong shook his head. Tang Monk then asked Wukong if he thought he was good-looking, Wukong shook his head again. Tang Monk: “Then why are you called the Handsome Monkey King?”
6、有个员工买了个杯子，上面印着“我要涨工资”，每每开会都要把这几个字冲着老板。终于有一天，老板也买了个杯子，上面写着“滚蛋”！
6. An employee bought a cup with the words “I want a raise” printed on it, and every time there was a meeting, he would point these words at the boss. Finally, one day, the boss also bought a cup with the words “Get lost” written on it!
7、昨晚在饭店吃饭，发了条微博之后，觉得眼睛很累，突然想起网上说的让眼睛放松的方法，于是就想试一试。先把手搓热，然后用双手捂住眼睛，放松，脑袋放空什么都不想，持续五分钟,五分钟之后，把手放开，尼玛……桌子上的手机没了。
7. Last night, I was eating at a restaurant and posted a Weibo. Feeling tired in my eyes, I suddenly remembered the method of relaxing the eyes mentioned online, so I wanted to give it a try. First, rub your hands warm, then cover your eyes with both hands, relax, empty your mind and think of nothing, keep this up for five minutes. After five minutes, release your hands, and damn… the phone on the table is gone.
8、男友去喝喜酒，席间突然停电。大家担心有人偷吃菜，于是都建议拍手唱歌。正在拍手时电突然来了，大家一看，一人正在一手夹菜一手打自己耳光。
8. The boyfriend went to a wedding banquet, and there was a sudden power outage during the meal. Everyone was worried that someone would steal the dishes, so they all suggested clapping and singing. While clapping, the electricity suddenly came back, and everyone saw a person with one hand picking up food and the other hand slapping their own face.
9、问一对男女：如果死后，在奈何桥看到孟婆，给你喝孟婆汤，你说什么？女友：不要让我忘掉亲人，好吗？男友：不要香菜和葱花，谢谢！
9. Ask a couple of men and women: If after death, when you see Meng Po at the Naihe Bridge and she offers you Meng Po soup, what would you say? Girlfriend: “Please don’t let me forget my loved ones, okay?” Boyfriend: “No cilantro and scallions, please!”
10、昨晚第一次去男友家见家长，她妈妈做的菜很好吃。我吃完一碗饭刚想起身再去装一碗时，他妈妈把我按住了说：“没事碗放着等下我一起洗。”
10. Last night, I went to my boyfriend’s house for the first time to meet his parents. His mother’s cooking was delicious. After finishing a bowl of rice, I just got up to get another bowl when his mother held me back and said, “It’s okay, leave the bowl there, I’ll wash them together later.”
11、一朋友，卖水果的，他说卖了十几年了都没挣到什么钱，但是一直不愿转行，原因是：我的水果摊位桌子都很低，每天大量美女低头挑水果是我坚持下去的动力！
11. A friend of mine, who sells fruits, said that he has been selling for more than ten years and hasn’t made much money, but he has always been unwilling to change professions. The reason is: “My fruit stall table is very low, and every day a large number of beautiful women bend down to choose fruits is my motivation to keep going!”
12、天和闺蜜一起逛街，路过公园，闺蜜听到了音乐停下脚步望向园内。我：“怎么不走啦？”二货闺蜜说到：“一想到我们也会变老，心里感觉好害怕！”我安慰她怕什么，人总会变老死去的啊！她：“不是，那些广场舞看起来好难啊！我们以后能学会嘛！”好吧好吧，你赢了。
12. Today, I went shopping with my best friend, and we passed by a park. My best friend stopped and looked into the park when she heard the music. I asked, “Why aren’t you walking?” My silly best friend said, “Thinking about how we will also grow old, I feel so scared!” I comforted her, “Don’t be afraid, everyone will grow old and die!” She: “No, those square dances look so difficult! Will we be able to learn them later?” Okay, okay, you win.
13、一男问女友，你知道男人最喜欢听女人的哪句话吗。女友说 ，我爱你。男友说，不是，是这句话。说完，男友用力捏了一下女友的手，女友喊，啊~~疼 男友说，对，就是这句话。
13. A man asked his girlfriend, “Do you know what men like to hear most from women?” The girlfriend said, “I love you.” The boyfriend replied, “No, it’s this sentence.” After saying that, the boyfriend squeezed his girlfriend’s hand hard, and the girlfriend shouted, “Ah~ it hurts!” The boyfriend said, “Yes, that’s the sentence.”
14、晚上想买零食吃，妈咪制止，问我：“你不减肥了？”我说：“嗨，反正我有男朋友，有人要了。”然后我妈看着我好久，说了句特励志的话：“不想换了？”
14. I wanted to buy snacks in the evening, but my mom stopped me and asked, “Aren’t you on a diet anymore?” I said, “Hey, I have a boyfriend now, someone wants me.” Then my mom looked at me for a long time and said something very inspiring: “Don’t you want to change?”
15、最近想和男朋友一起看电影，大家有没有什么好的男朋友推荐一个！
15. I recently want to watch a movie with my boyfriend. Does anyone have any good boyfriend recommendations?
16、在北京二月吃雾霾，三月吃风沙，四月吃柳絮，五月吃杨树毛儿，而今天……TMD吃的套餐！
16. In Beijing, we eat smog in February, sand in March, willow catkins in April, poplar fluff in May, and today… damn, we’re eating a combo meal!
1.不好吃着碗里的惦记锅里的，直接抱着锅吃多省心。
1. It’s not good to eat from one bowl while thinking about another. Just hold the pot and eat, it’s much more convenient.
2.生活就像宋祖德的嘴，你永远都不知道下一个倒霉的会是谁。
2. Life is like Song Zude’s mouth; you never know who will be the next victim.
3.领导重视你的时候就是领导利用你的时候！但我却那么渴望被领导利用！
3. When the leader pays attention to you, that’s when the leader is using you! But I’m so eager to be used by the leader!
4.听说女生如衣服，兄弟如手足。回想起来，我竟然七手八脚的裸奔了年！
4. I heard that girls are like clothes, and brothers are like hands and feet. Looking back, I’ve been running naked with seven hands and eight feet for years!
5.去披萨店买披萨！服务员问我是要切成块还是块？我想了想说：还是块吧！块吃不完！
5. I went to a pizzeria to buy a pizza! The waiter asked me if I wanted it cut into slices or pieces. I thought for a moment and said: “Just pieces!” I can’t finish eating the whole piece anyway!
6.总有人在我面前说：先生存，再生活。但是我发现，当你忙完生存后，生活已经荡然无存。
6. People always say to me: “Survive first, then live.” But I’ve found that when you’re done surviving, life is already gone.
7.经过周末两天的休息，大家此刻都很累了……
7. After a weekend of rest, everyone is very tired at the moment…
8.小时候，父母始终坚信女大十八变，丑小鸭会变白天鹅，然后嫁个大款成富婆；长大后某天，父亲很专注地看着我，然后语重心长地说：“孩子，你还是用功读书吧……”
8. When I was a child, my parents always believed that girls change when they grow up, ugly ducks become white swans, and then marry a rich guy to become a wealthy woman; when I grew up, one day my father looked at me very attentively and said earnestly, “Child, you should study hard…”
9.刚到深圳，一出车站就遇到一个女生拉生意：“大哥，路上坐车辛苦，进来操个B歇歇吧！”
9. Just arrived in Shenzhen, as soon as I got out of the station, I met a girl soliciting business: “Big brother, you must be tired from the journey. Come in and take a break!”
10.出来混，老婆迟早是要换的！
10. When you’re out in the world, a wife is something you’ll eventually change!
11.我不是广场上算卦的，唠不出那么多你爱听的嗑。
11. I’m not a fortune teller in the square, so I can’t chat as much as you’d like to hear.
12.关于丁字裤：以前，脱下内裤看屁股；此刻，拔开屁股看内裤…
12. About thongs: Before, you took off your underwear to see your butt; now, you pull apart your butt to see your underwear…
13.减肥彻底失败了——转行给老公踩背松骨…
13. My weight loss has completely failed - now I’m working as a masseuse for my husband…
14.我想早恋，但是已经晚了……
14. I wish I could have had a puppy love, but it’s already too late…
15.啥时硬件也能够COPY就好了！
15. When can hardware also be copied?
16.别人的钱财乃我的身外之物。
16. Other people’s money is my worldly possession.
17.只要有人对你说他忙，就等于向你宣布你对他不重要。。昨日晚上我没有失约，我翻墙进去找你了，但是院子里那条愚蠢的狗把我咬出来了。
17. Whenever someone tells you they are busy, it’s like declaring that you are unimportant to them. Last night, I didn’t break our appointment; I climbed over the wall to find you, but that stupid dog in the yard bit me out.
18.老婆破天荒地第一次支持我买车——赶紧买辆车吧，这样去看我妈的时候带东西就不用不愁了，而且去看你妈的时候还能够多带点东西回来…
18. My wife, for the first time ever, supported me buying a car - hurry up and buy a car, so when we visit my mom, we won’t have to worry about carrying things, and when we visit your mom, we can bring even more stuff back…
19.放自我的屁，让别人闻去吧！
19. Let me release my own farts and let others smell them!
20.在猪圈里，你不必讲究人类的礼仪。
20. In a pigsty, you don’t need to follow human etiquette.
21.你给我滚，马不停蹄的滚……
21. Get out of here, and keep rolling…
22.出门在外，请记住：必须要把牛B还给牛！
22. When you’re out and about, remember: you must return the cow’s B to the cow!
23.女生安慰女生时往往说自我很惨；男生安慰男生时往往说另一个男生很惨。
23. When girls comfort other girls, they often talk about their own misfortunes; when guys comfort other guys, they often talk about the misfortunes of another guy.
24.咱们的目标:向钱看,向厚赚。
24. Our goal: Focus on money and make a fat profit.
25.邯郸农行万惊醒了我的彩票梦，还是老老实实的做人吧，别总胡思乱想了成天！
25. The Handan Agricultural Bank incident shattered my lottery dream; I’d better be a decent person and stop daydreaming all the time!
26.男生长的帅有个屁用呀？到银行能用脸刷卡吗？
26. What’s the use of a handsome guy? Can he use his face to swipe a card at the bank?
27.单身并不难，难的是应付那些千方百计想让你结束单身的人。
27. Being single is not difficult; what’s difficult is dealing with those who try every possible means to end your singlehood.
28.咱们产生一点小分歧：她期望我把粪土变黄金，我期望她视黄金如粪土。
28. We have a slight disagreement: she expects me to turn dirt into gold, while I expect her to treat gold like dirt.
29.这个世界上我只坚信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
29. In this world, I only have faith in two people, one is me, and the other is not you.
30.必须要糊涂，不好追求真理…真理是婊子！
30. One must be content with being confused, instead of pursuing the truth… the truth is a whore!
31.大学同学工作后第一次聚会选取在动物园，大家共同的理由是：只有在那里，才能感慨到自我还是个人啊！
31. Our university classmates chose the zoo as the venue for our first gathering after starting work, and the common reason was: only there can we feel like we are still human!
32.好吃但是饺子，好玩但是嫂子。
32. The best food is dumplings, and the most fun is flirting with your brother’s wife.
33.通常愿意留下来跟你争吵的人，才是真正爱你的人！
33. Those who are willing to stay and argue with you are usually the ones who truly love you!
34.人又不聪明，还学人家秃顶！！
34. One is not smart, yet still imitates baldness!
35.《XX联播》：前分钟领导们都很忙，中间分钟全国人民都很幸福，后分钟世界其他国家都处在水生火热中。
35. “XX News Broadcast”: The first half hour shows the leaders are busy, the middle half hour shows the people are happy, and the last half hour shows that the rest of the world is in turmoil.
36.我身在江湖，江湖却没有关于我的传说！
36. I am in the world of martial arts, yet there are no legends about me!
37.始终没有沦为一个优秀的大学生，靠的就是坚强的品质！
37. I have never become an outstanding university student, all thanks to my strong character!
38.我都不泡你了，你又何苦泡我。
38. I’m not chasing you anymore, so why bother pursuing me?
39.我允许你走进我的世界，但决不允许你在我的世界里走来走去。
39. I allow you to enter my world, but I absolutely forbid you from wandering around in it.
40.不以风骚惊天下，就以淫荡动世人
40. If not to astonish the world with my charm, then to move people with my debauchery.
41.中国写诗最好的人在精神病院里。
41. The best poets in China are in mental institutions.
42.天哪！我的衣服又瘦了。
42. Oh my God! My clothes have shrunk again.
43.刚开始不给的是女生，之后急着要的还是女生！
43. At first, it’s the girls who refuse, and later, it’s still the girls who are eager to get them!
44.此地禁止大小便，违者没收工具。
44. No defecation or urination allowed here. Violators will have their tools confiscated.
45.令人不能自拔的，除了牙齿还有感情。
45. What is irresistible, besides teeth, is emotions.
46.生活与生存之间就一字之差，但却是天上人间，有多少人在生活，又有多少人在生存？试问自我是在生活还是在生存？
46. The difference between life and survival is just one character, but it’s a world apart. How many people are truly living, and how many are just surviving? Ask yourself, are you living or just surviving?
47.一时的冲动，子孙的危机！
47. A moment of impulse, a crisis for future generations!
48.你们也不能太侮辱周正龙的智慧，至少他自我没顶片树叶，然后宣称自我是华南虎！
48. You can’t insult Zhou Zhenglong’s wisdom too much, at least he didn’t put a leaf on his head and claim to be a South China tiger!
49.干掉鸟人我就是天使！
49. Get rid of the birdman, and I’ll be an angel!
50.当面夸一女同学：你真是清水出芙蓉！
50. Compliment a female classmate to her face: You are truly a lotus rising from clear water!
51.我理论上有两种笑容，露齿而笑，猥琐，咧嘴大笑，十分猥琐。实际上别人都说我的笑容极度猥琐。
51. I theoretically have two types of smiles, baring teeth and smiling, creepy, and grinning widely, very creepy. In reality, people say my smile is extremely creepy.
52.我就算是一只癞蛤蟆，我也决不娶母癞蛤蟆。
52. Even if I were a toad, I would never marry a female toad.
53.如果兄弟姐妹能够出卖，每个值五块的话，我也能发笔小财了。
53. If I could sell my siblings, and each was worth five bucks, I could make a small fortune.
54.告别手淫，寻找感情。锻炼JJ，天天享受。
54. Say goodbye to masturbation, seek love. Exercise JJ, enjoy every day.
55.参加选美的那些女生，都找不到好男生，正因好男生都结婚了，比如我。
55. Those girls who participate in beauty pageants can’t find good guys, because good guys are already married, like me.
56.感情就象鬼，坚信的人多，见到的人少。
56. Love is like a ghost, believed by many, seen by few.
57.我拼命奔跑，却甩不开紧紧跟随的伤悲……
57. I run desperately, but cannot shake off the tightly following sorrow…
58.要么忍，要么残忍。
58. Either endure, or be cruel.
59.我把你的话放到油锅里能够炸出油来，哈哈
59. If I put your words in a frying pan, I could fry oil out of them, haha.
60.这天准备做件事：想你；骗你。
60. Today I plan to do something: think of you; deceive you.
61.男生口袋有点钱，腰部以下不会闲！
61. When a guy has some money in his pocket, he won’t be idle below the waist.
62.如果情绪不好，就去超市捏捏方便面。
62. If in a bad mood, go to the supermarket and squeeze some instant noodles.
63.早知道他不是好东西，就是忘了说了。
63. I knew he was no good, I just forgot to mention it.
64.我一定要在你平凡无奇的人生里做一个闪闪发光的神经病。
64. I must be a shining lunatic in your ordinary life.
65.男生疼的时候说“额”，女生疼的时候说“啊”；但是男生爽的时候说“啊”，女生爽的时候说“额”！
65. When a guy is in pain, he says “eh”, when a girl is in pain, she says “ah”; but when a guy is pleased, he says “ah”, and when a girl is pleased, she says “eh”!
66.征婚启事：要求如下，A活的，B女的。
66. Marriage wanted ad: Requirements are as follows, A: alive, B: female.
67.视金钱如粪土，但所有的人都在争着做粪土收藏家。
67. Treat money like manure, but everyone is competing to be a manure collector.
68.你进外企我当工人，正因那天是监考老师量多的日子——-坐我前面不动了！命呀！
68. You join a foreign company, I become a worker, precisely because that day was when the proctor had a lot to deal with - sitting in front of me motionless! Fate!
69.生活真他妈好玩，因为生活总他妈玩我。
69. Life is really fucking fun, because life always plays tricks on me.
70.今天是一起养狗，以后就一起遛狗，日久生情，狗又生狗。
70. Today we raise a dog together, and in the future, we will walk the dog together. Over time, feelings grow, and the dog has more puppies.
1.问世间情为何物？圣人答曰：“废物。”
1. What is love in this world? The sage replies, “Trash.”
2.此刻的梦想决定着你的将来，还是再睡一会吧！
2. Your current dreams determine your future, or should I sleep a little longer?
3.单身很痛苦，单身久了更痛苦，前几天我看见一头母猪，都觉得它眉清目秀的。
3. Being single is painful, and being single for a long time is even more painful. A few days ago, I saw a sow and thought it had a pretty face.
4.男生，上半身是修养，下半身是本质；女生，上半身是诱饵，下半身是陷阱。
4. For men, the upper body represents cultivation, and the lower body represents nature; for women, the upper body is bait, and the lower body is a trap.
5.春天，你在后山种下一个女兄弟姐妹，到了秋天，结出那漫山遍野的绿帽子！
5. In spring, you plant a girl on the back mountain, and by autumn, you reap the green hats all over the mountain!
6.男生长的帅有个屁用呀？到银行能用脸刷卡吗？
6. What’s the use of a handsome guy? Can you use your face to swipe a card at the bank?
7.摆摊…赚钱…日老婆…生仔…仔大…再摆摊！
7. Set up a stall… make money… marry a wife… have children… when the child grows up… set up another stall!
8.等待你的关心，等到我关上了心。
8. Waiting for your concern, I waited until I closed my heart.
9.我想一只趴在玻璃上的苍蝇，前途一片光明，而我却找不着出路……
9. I feel like a fly on the glass, with a bright future ahead, but I can’t find a way out…
10.名花虽有主，我来松松土。
10. Although the famous flower has its owner, I will loosen the soil around it.
11.老子要一门心思泡妞，每人拔一根阴毛留纪念的话，估计能织件毛衣！
11. I want to devote myself to chasing girls, and if everyone plucks a pubic hair for a souvenir, I guess I could knit a sweater!
12.年轻的时候，咱们常常冲着镜子做鬼脸；年老的时候，镜子算是扯平了。
12. When we were young, we often made faces at the mirror; when we grow old, the mirror evens the score.
13.文思三千不如胸脯四两，才高八斗不如胯下半斤！
13. Three thousand literary thoughts are not as good as four ounces of breasts, and eight bushels of talent are not as good as half a catty between the legs!
14.“一炮走红”这条成语其实是形容古今女艺人的！
14. The idiom “one shot to fame” actually describes ancient and modern female artists!
15.作家对网络文学很是鄙视，于是他们都充当起色情网络写手，走曲线救国的道路。
15. Writers despise online literature, so they all become pornographic online writers, taking the road of indirect salvation for their country.
16.我这个人最老实。从不说谎话。这句除外。
16. I am the most honest person. I never lie. Except for this sentence.
17.拿菜刀砍电线，一路火花带闪电。
17. Chopping the electric wire with a kitchen knife, sparks and lightning all the way.
18.混娱乐圈就像打麻将，想做大牌，就得舍得一筒和么鸡！
18. Mixing in the entertainment circle is like playing mahjong; if you want to make a big deal, you have to be willing to give up the one barrel and the chicken hand.
19.宝贝儿，等发工资了我就带你去洗澡！
19. Baby, once I get paid, I’ll take you to take a bath!
20.有些烦恼是咱们凭空虚构的，而咱们却把它当成真实去承受。
20. Some troubles are fabricated by us out of thin air, yet we bear them as if they were real.
21.鱼说：“我时时刻刻把眼睁开是为了在你身边不舍离开。”水说：“我终日流淌不知疲倦是为了围绕你，好好把你抱紧。”锅说：“都他妈快熟了还这么多废话。”
21. Fish says, “I keep my eyes open all the time to not leave your side.” Water says, “I flow day and night, tireless, to surround you and hold you tight.” Pot says, “You’re almost cooked, and you still have so much nonsense to say.”
22.现实的社会，毁了我一个做好人的机会。
22. The real society has ruined my chance to be a good person.
23.其实挺羡慕芙蓉姐姐的，活在自我的世界里，开心自我，恶心别人。证明华南虎其实是真的。气得下方都湿了。如果你不能给你的女生穿上嫁衣，那么千万别停下你解开她衣扣的手！
23. I actually envy Sister Furong, living in her own world, happy and self-centered, while making others sick. Proving that the South China Tiger is real. It’s so angry that the lower part is wet. If you can’t dress your girl in a wedding gown, then don’t stop unbuttoning her clothes!
24.人若赚得整个世界，却赔上自我的性命，这又有什么益处呢？
24. If one gains the whole world but loses their own life, what good is it?
25.从天堂到地狱，我飘过人间！
25. From heaven to hell, I have floated through the human world!
26.蹲在路边看小妞，躺在床上玩小J。
26. Squatting by the roadside, watching the girls; lying in bed, playing with little J.
27.“疼吗？”“疼。”“那算了吧！”“别！”
27. “Does it hurt?” “It hurts.” “Then forget it!” “No!”
28.唯女生与英雄难过也，唯老婆与工作难找也。
28. Only girls and heroes are hard to get past; only wives and jobs are hard to find.
29.我的领带又找不到了，是不是你昨日又没有找到抹布？
29. I can’t find my tie again; did you not find a rag yesterday either?
30.师太，你就从了老衲吧！…很久很久以后…师太，你就饶了老衲吧！
30. Master Ni, please yield to me!… A long time later… Master Ni, please spare me!
31.就算我是一坨屎，我也是一坨有思想的屎！
31. Even if I am a pile of shit, I am a pile of shit with thoughts!
32.生，容易。活，容易。生活，不容易。
32. To be born is easy. To live is easy. To live a life is not easy.
33.人和猪的区别就是：猪一向是猪，而人有时却不是人！
33. The difference between humans and pigs is that pigs are always pigs, while humans are sometimes not human!
34.小时候你娘就给你挂了块骨头，至少还有条狗跟你玩！
34. When you were a child, your mother hung a bone for you, at least there was a dog to play with you!
35.我要让全世界知道我很低调！
35. I want the whole world to know that I am low-key!
36.让暴风雨来得更猛烈些吧，反正我是卖伞的！
36. Let the storm come even more fiercely; I am selling umbrellas anyway!
37.鲜花往往不属于赏花的人，而属于牛粪。
37. Flowers often do not belong to those who appreciate them, but to cow dung.
38.鸳鸳相抱何时了，鸯在一边看热闹。
38. When will the mandarin ducks embrace each other? The female duck is watching the excitement on the side.
39.男生读到博士是正因智商低，女生读到博士是正因情商低。不知我长短，我怎样你深浅
39. Men pursue a Ph.D. because of low IQ, while women pursue a Ph.D. because of low EQ. You don’t know my strengths and weaknesses, how can I know your depths and shallows?
40.和上司说美话，和下属说丑话，和老婆说谎话，和情人说瞎话，和熟人说笑话，和生人说鬼话。
40. Compliment your boss, insult your subordinates, lie to your wife, deceive your lover, make jokes with acquaintances, and speak nonsense with strangers.
41.社会经验不足就是欠操的意思。
41. Lack of social experience means you deserve to be manipulated.
42.卸无可卸的包袱，退无可退的道路；忍无可忍的眼泪，追无可追的前途。
42. The burden that cannot be put down, the road that cannot be retreated; the tears that cannot be held back, the future that cannot be pursued.
43.女生正因愚蠢而善良，男生正因善良而愚蠢。
43. Women are kind because they are foolish, while men are foolish because they are kind.
44.暧昧就是我找你借钱，你没说借，也没说不借，而是只说你老公不在家……
44. Ambiguity is when I ask you for a loan, and instead of saying yes or no, you only mention that your husband is not at home…
45.你以为我会眼睁睁地看着你去送死吗？我会闭上眼睛的！
45. Do you think I would watch you go to your death with my eyes wide open? I would close my eyes!
46.公厕收费的小嫂子很热情的对我说：“先生，是拉大便还是小便”，大便收费五毛，小便我请客”。
46. The enthusiastic public toilet attendant said to me, “Sir, are you going for a bowel movement or a小便?” Bowel movement costs 50 cents, and I’ll treat you for a小便.
47.千万别跟我求婚，一求婚我就会答应。
47. Never propose to me, because I will agree as soon as you do.
48.你在做什么？我在仰望天空。度的仰望是什么？是我想念她的角度。为什么要把头抬到度？为了不让我的眼泪掉下来……
48. What are you doing? I’m looking up at the sky. What’s a 45-degree gaze? It’s the angle at which I miss her. Why do I have to raise my head to 45 degrees? To prevent my tears from falling…
49.出尔反尔是我的作风，众叛亲离是我的现状，长命百岁是我的结果。
49. Being capricious is my style, being abandoned by everyone is my current situation, and living a long life is my result.
50.早上长睡不起；晚上视睡如归！
50. Sleep in until late in the morning; embrace sleep like home at night!
51.放下你大学生的架子，找碗饭吃先！
51. Put aside your college student’s pride and find a bowl of rice to eat first!
52.最是夜深人静时，思念才变得如此放肆
52. It is in the dead of night when missing someone becomes so unbridled.
53.你瞎了眼啊？这么大的盾牌你看不见，偏偏要把石头朝我脑袋上扔！
53. Are you blind? You can’t see such a big shield, yet you insist on throwing stones at my head!
54.到了聪明人都无技可施时，笨人想出来的法子必须最有用！
54. When smart people run out of tricks, the ideas of foolish people must be the most useful!
55.天赐你一双翅膀，就就应被红烧…
55. Heaven gave you a pair of wings, so you should be braised…
56.要挑熟女，裙子好揪。
56. Choose mature women with short skirts that are easy to grab.
57.生活真他妈好玩，正因生活老他妈玩我。
57. Life is really fucking fun, precisely because it keeps playing with me.
58.不好和地球人一般见识~~~
58. It’s not worth getting upset with earthlings~~~
59.你看，总有那么多的事情让你伤感：阴晴圆缺，悲欢离合，阳痿早泄…
59. You see, there are always so many things that make you feel sad: the changing weather, joys and sorrows, impotence and premature ejaculation…
60.你当我是个风筝，要不把我放了，要不然收好带回家，别用条看不见的情思拴着我，让我心伤。
60. You treat me like a kite, either let me go or take me home, don’t tie me up with an invisible thread of love, making my heart ache.
61.早起的鸟儿有虫吃，早起的虫儿被鸟吃！
61. The early bird catches the worm, but the early worm gets eaten by the bird!
62.张纪中版《西游记》里的天兵天将将在全国各地城市管理者中进行海选——城市管理者队员们不论是形象作风，还是战斗力都十分有震慑力，十分适合扮演招之即来来之即战战之能胜的威武之师礼貌之师！”
62. In Zhang Jizhong’s version of “Journey to the West,” the heavenly soldiers and generals will be selected from urban managers across the country – these urban management team members, with their image, style, and combat effectiveness, are highly intimidating and suitable for playing the powerful, polite, and disciplined forces that can be called upon and fight victoriously!
63.老鼠一发威，大家都是病猫。
63. When a mouse gets angry, everyone becomes a sick cat.
64.老子不但有车，还是自行的……
64. I have a car, and it’s a bicycle…
65.拾到两角钱很高兴，拿起来一看是“一九九二年”的钱，“这钱过期了”
65. I was happy to find 20 cents, but when I picked it up, I saw it was from “1992” – “This money has expired.”
66.时光啊，还真就肉包子打狗了……
66. Time, it really does go to waste like a meat bun thrown at a dog…
67.一个羊毛毯能够温暖一个孤儿寂寞的长夜，也能够包庇一对狗男女臭汗淋漓的奸情。
67. A woolen blanket can warm the lonely nights of an orphan, and it can also cover the sweaty love affair of a pair of adulterous lovers.
68.我说：我怎样感谢你好呢？我娶你吧！你说：我怎样能够恩将仇报呢？
68. I said: How can I thank you? I’ll marry you! You said: How can I repay a favor with enmity?
69.如果以后只有一口稀饭了，你先喝，喝完了，我再把碗舔干净——
69. If there’s only a bowl of porridge left in the future, you drink it first, and after you finish, I’ll lick the bowl clean –
70.结婚那天你必须要来做我的伴郞，正因咱们承诺过要一齐走进婚姻的殿堂……
70. On my wedding day, you must be my best man, because we promised to enter the殿堂 of marriage together…
71.数钱数到手抽筋，睡觉睡到自然醒！
71. Counting money until my hands cramp, and sleeping until I naturally wake up!
72.没钱的，养猪，有钱的，养狗。没钱的，在家里吃野菜，有钱的，在酒店吃野菜。没钱的，在马路上骑车，有钱的，在客厅里骑车。没钱的想结婚，有钱的想离婚。没钱的老婆兼秘书，有钱的秘书兼老婆。没钱的装有钱，有钱的装没钱。
72. The poor raise pigs, the rich raise dogs. The poor eat wild vegetables at home, the rich eat wild vegetables at hotels. The poor ride bikes on the road, the rich ride bikes in their living rooms. The poor want to get married, the rich want to divorce. The poor have wives who are also secretaries, the rich have secretaries who are also wives. The poor pretend to be rich, the rich pretend to be poor.
73.对于男生来说，最漂亮的女生是不能得到的女生；对女生来说，最潇洒的男生是已经拥有的男生。
73. For guys, the most beautiful girl is the one they can’t get; for girls, the most handsome guy is the one they already have.
74.爱你的同时，是我挑战飞蛾扑火的开始。
74. Loving you marks the beginning of my challenge to fly moth to flame.
75.夜无寐，只想寻欢打炮，人无踪，一只野狗干活。
75. Sleepless nights, just wanting to have fun and make love, no trace of people, a stray dog working.
76.在成才的路上，我天天过着傻B似的生活！其实我很聪明，只但是智商低了点。
76. On the road to success, I live a foolish life every day! In fact, I’m very smart, but my IQ is just a bit low.
77.男生忽悠女生，叫调戏；女生忽悠男生，叫勾引；男女相互忽悠，叫感情。
77. When a guy deceives a girl, it’s called teasing; when a girl deceives a guy, it’s called seducing; when both guys and girls deceive each other, it’s called love.
78.有人在车上分娩，有人在地铁怀孕，北京真是个充满生机的城市…
78. Some people give birth on buses, some get pregnant on the subway; Beijing is truly a city full of vitality…
79.感情的投入和产出从来不成比例，一厢情愿的牺牲到头来感动的往往是自我！
79. The input and output of emotions are never proportional, and the sacrifices made wholeheartedly often end up moving oneself!
80.连贝克汉姆都不知道，你丫还有什么资格敢跟我谈篮球！
80. If you don’t even know who Beckham is, how dare you talk about basketball with me!
81.请别用你的第二张嘴，来勾引我的第三条腿。
81. Please don’t use your second mouth to seduce my third leg.
82.当我看到世贸中心倒塌后的废墟；当我看到别斯兰小学惨死的儿童；当我看到马德里爆炸后的街头；当我看到伦敦瘫痪的地铁站……我已经出奇愤怒了——你们这群冷血残忍毫无人性的KB分子，难道就不知道去袭击日本么？！
82. When I see the ruins after the collapse of the World Trade Center; when I see the dead children in Beslan School; when I see the streets after the Madrid explosion; when I see the paralyzed London subway station… I am extremely angry - you cold-blooded, cruel, and inhumane terrorists, don’t you know to attack Japan?!
83.一个好妻子决不会要求丈夫给她买这样买那样；一个好丈夫决不会等着妻子开口才买。
83. A good wife will never ask her husband to buy her this and that; a good husband will never wait for his wife to speak up before buying.
84.我一向在忙着无聊！
84. I am always busy being bored!
85.如果你注定不能给予我期盼的回应那么就持续在安全距离之外吧。
85. If you are destined not to give me the response I expect, then stay outside the safe distance.
86.以后不好在我面前说英文，OK？
86. Don’t speak English in front of me in the future, OK?
87.请不好把我对你的容忍当场你不好脸的资本。
87. Please don’t take my tolerance towards you as your shameless capital.
88.感情和赌博一样，红了眼的都拿器官下注。
88. Love is like gambling; those who are blinded by it bet with their organs.
89.我自欺欺人，保留着我对感情最后一分完美的寄望苟延残喘。可事实是，这个物欲横流的世界俨然成为了衣冠禽兽们的天下。
89. I deceive myself and others, holding on to the last bit of perfect hope for love, barely surviving. But the truth is, this materialistic world has become the domain of hypocrites.
90.嫦娥，你就从了天蓬吧，你看玉帝都老成啥样了！
90. Chang’e, just give in to Tian Peng; look at how old the Jade Emperor has become!
91.脱了衣服我是禽兽，穿上衣服我是衣冠禽兽！
91. Naked, I am an animal; dressed, I am a well-dressed hypocrite!
92.在教堂听讲经的时候咱们就应持续肃静，打扰别人睡觉是很不礼貌的。
92. When listening to sermons in church, we should maintain silence, as it is impolite to disturb others’ sleep.
93.碰到一个写手个性签名：也许似乎大概是，然而未必不见得。碰到一个GG个性签名：给我一个姑娘，我能够创造一个民族。
93. I came across a writer’s signature: Perhaps it seems probable, but it may not necessarily be so. I met a guy with a signature: Give me a girl, and I can create a nation.
94.祖传牛皮癣，专治老中医。
94. Family inheritance of psoriasis, specializing in treating traditional Chinese medicine doctors.
95.波大精深，言简意赅的概括了作为一个优秀女生和一个优秀男生的必备要素！
95. “Big breasts and profound knowledge” concisely summarizes the essential qualities of an excellent woman and an excellent man!
96.一女生对一男生说：来我家吧，我下方给你吃。
96. A girl said to a guy: Come to my place, and I’ll make you something to eat downstairs.
97.第一笔就起错了的画，只好一路地潦草下去。
97. If the first stroke of a painting is wrong, it can only be continued carelessly.
98.是人都有阴暗面，如果你偏说你很单纯，那我只能说，你不是人！
98. Everyone has a dark side. If you insist on saying you are innocent, then I can only say, you are not human!
99.用完的牙签放回牙签罐里，摇一摇。之后去餐馆吃饭，发现很多人都有相同的习惯。
99. Put used toothpicks back in the toothpick jar and shake it. Later, when eating at a restaurant, you find that many people have the same habit.
100.花钱越多，离床越近。
100. The more money you spend, the closer you are to the bed.
1.明星脱一点就能更出名，我脱的光光的却被抓起来了！
1. Celebrities can become more famous by baring a little, but I got arrested for being completely naked!
2.有时候，除了谎言是真的，其它全是假的！
2. Sometimes, the only truth is a lie, and everything else is fake!
3.男生所说的内在美，指的是**里面，而不是内心。
3. When guys talk about inner beauty, they mean the body, not the heart.
4.中午在食堂叫了两个菜。吃第一个我震撼了“世界上还有比这更难吃的菜吗？”吃第二个我哭了“还真有啊”。
4. I ordered two dishes at the cafeteria for lunch. After eating the first one, I was shocked, “Is there a更难吃的菜 in the world?” After eating the second one, I cried, “There really is!”
5.本人已死，有事烧纸，小事招魂，大事挖坟！
5. I am dead, if there’s anything, burn paper. For small matters, call my soul; for big matters, dig up my grave!
6.我太纯洁了，我纯洁的都有些无耻了！
6. I am so innocent that I am a little shameless!
7.对不起，小姐，请把你的胸部从我手上移开好吗？
7. Excuse me, miss, could you please move your chest away from my hand?
8.出问题先从自我身上找原因，别一便秘就怪地球没引力。
8. When there’s a problem, look for reasons within yourself, don’t blame the lack of gravity on Earth when you have constipation.
9.人不当官显不出坏。
9. People don’t show their bad side unless they are in power.
10.唾沫是用来数钞票的，而不是用来讲道理的！
10. Spit is for counting money, not for reasoning!
11.问一同事：“你买了中石油吗？”同事说：“呸！你才买了中石油呢。你们全家都买了中石油，还买了中石化！”
11. I asked a colleague, “Did you buy China National Petroleum Corporation (CNPC)?” The colleague replied, “Ptui! You’re the one who bought CNPC. Your whole family bought CNPC and even China National Chemical Corporation (ChemChina)!”
12.男生分两种，一种是好色，一种是十分好色；女生也分两种，一种是假装清纯，一种是假装不清纯。
12. Guys are divided into two types: one is lustful, the other is extremely lustful; girls are also divided into two types: one pretends to be pure, the other pretends not to be pure.
13.只要你敢死，我就敢埋。
13. If you dare to die, I dare to bury you.
14.打死我也不说，你们还没使美人计呢！
14. I won’t say a word, you haven’t even used the beauty tactic yet!
15.上天在赐于我门青春的同时也赐予了咱们青春痘！
15. Heaven gave us youth and acne at the same time!
16.第一次听到“我爱你”时想哭，第二次听到“我爱你”时想笑，第三次听到“我爱你”哭笑不得。
16. The first time I heard “I love you,” I wanted to cry; the second time I heard “I love you,” I wanted to laugh; the third time I heard “I love you,” I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh.
17.性命是充满遗憾的篇章，正因她没有机会让你修改病句。
17. Life is a chapter full of regrets, precisely because she doesn’t give you the chance to correct grammatical errors.
18.亲爱的，死没？死的话抱紧我，好让收尸的知道咱们是一对儿！
18. Darling, are you dead? If so, hold me tight so that the undertaker knows we are a couple!
19.对爱义无返顾是正因一无所知，对爱留意谨慎是正因一知半解，对爱拒之千里是正因大彻大悟。
19. To be reckless in love is because of complete ignorance; to be cautious in love is because of a half-understanding; to reject love is because of complete enlightenment.
20.冰箱里有电锯，人在锅里，饭在床上。
20. There’s a chainsaw in the fridge, a person in the pot, and food in bed.
21.人总是爱欺骗自我，正因那比期骗别人更容易。
21. People always love to deceive themselves, precisely because it’s easier than deceiving others.
22.雨伞外的女生，注定了雨天就不能出门……
22. Girls outside with umbrellas are destined to stay indoors on rainy days…
23.出生之前，父母从来没有问过我，“你想出生么？”其实，活着也是被迫的！
23. Before being born, my parents never asked me, “Do you want to be born?” In fact, living is also a form of coercion!
24.兄弟从前的情感生活，那也是颇为凌乱的。
24. My brother’s past emotional life was quite messy.
25.听说女生如衣服，兄弟如手足。回想起来，我竟然七手八脚的裸奔了年！
25. I heard that girls are like clothes, and brothers are like hands and feet. Looking back, I’ve been running around naked with eight hands and feet for years!
26.老鼠从不浪费晚上的时刻，而咱们人类却浪费了每一天的三分之一。
26. Rats never waste their evenings, while humans waste a third of every day.
27.宁可牺牲中国最后一个处男，决不留下日本任何一个处女！
27. I’d rather sacrifice the last virgin in China than leave a single virgin in Japan!
28.男生违章停车被罚款会和警察吵一架，女生在一边劝；女生违章停车被罚款会和身边的男生吵一架，警察在一边劝。
28. When a guy illegally parks and gets fined, he argues with the police while the girl pleads; when a girl illegally parks and gets fined, she argues with the guy beside her while the police pleads.
29.一个说自我聪明的女生，被约会的几率比遇到恐怖分子劫机的几率还低。
29. A girl who claims to be smart has a lower chance of getting a date than the chance of encountering a hijacked plane by terrorists.
30.我想早恋，但是已经晚了……
30. I wanted to have a puppy love, but it’s already too late…
31.我只流过一次鼻血，还是误把卫生巾当口罩了！
31. I’ve only had a nosebleed once, and it was because I mistakenly used a sanitary pad as a mask!
32.谎言与誓言的区别在于：一个是听的人当真了，一个是说的人当真了。
32. The difference between a lie and a promise is that one is taken seriously by the listener, and the other is taken seriously by the speaker.
33.不在课堂上沉睡，就在酒桌上埋醉。
33. If not asleep in class, then get drunk at the dinner table.
34.要想富，少养干部多养猪…
34. To become rich, have fewer officials and more pigs…
35.我要玩的是感觉，不是你的器官！
35. I want to play with feelings, not your organs!
36.咱们走得太快，灵魂都跟不上了……
36. We’re moving too fast, our souls can’t keep up…
37.小样，见了我还不自刎！
37. Haha, you’re still not going to commit suicide when you see me!
38.我又不是人民币，怎样能让人人都喜欢我？
38. I’m not a Chinese yuan, how can I make everyone like me?
39.大学四年没有一个女生问过我路，这天开宝马回母校办点事，结果一会功夫就有五个女生来问路……
39. No girl ever asked me for directions in four years of college, but when I returned to my alma mater in a BMW, five girls asked for directions in no time…
40.如果跟导师讲不清楚，那么就把他搞胡涂吧！
40. If you can’t explain it to your mentor, just confuse him!
41.吃火锅自助，兄弟姐妹贪多，吃完后，还剩超多烫菜，老板指着招牌：锅底剩克，加收元。兄弟姐妹笑了笑，叫来一流浪汉：吃完给你块！
41. Eating hot pot buffet, my friends and I were greedy, and after eating, there were still many leftover dishes. The boss pointed at the sign: If there’s leftover in the pot, you’ll be charged extra. My friends and I laughed and called a homeless person: Finish it and we’ll give you a yuan!
42.不用撒尿也知道自我长啥样。
42. I don’t need to urinate to know what I look like.
43.在那左腿的右边右腿的左边有一片黑森林！对柏芝的了解，我最后到达霆锋的程度了！
43. On the right side of my left leg and the left side of my right leg, there is a black forest! I’ve reached the level of knowing张柏芝 as much as 谢霆锋 now!
44.你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
44. You might as well let me kneel on a washboard; I can’t stand kneeling on an electric heater!
45.我是你转身就忘的路人甲，凭什么陪你蹉跎年华到天涯？
45. I’m just a passerby you forget as soon as I turn around, why should I accompany you through the years to the ends of the earth?
46.在包间和一个妹妹开玩笑，说我真想太阳你！妹妹说太阳是什么意思。我说太阳就是日！妹妹笑了笑：你想日我就明说啊！你们这些知识份子啊！
46. Joking with a girl in a private room, I said I really wanted to “sun” her! She asked what “sun” meant. I said “sun” is “day”! She smiled and said: Just say you want to “day” me! You intellectuals!
47.黑暗的社会，曲折的人生，固执的活着，从不需解释。
47. In this dark society and the twists of life, I live stubbornly and never need to explain.
48.按揭就是把你按倒在地，一层层向下揭皮…
48. Mortgage is like being pressed to the ground and having your skin peeled off layer by layer…
49.众人皆醉我独醒，老子就是不正经！
49. Everyone else is drunk, but I’m the only one awake, and I’m not going to be serious!
50.种草不让人去躺，不如改种仙人掌！
50. If you don’t allow people to lie down on the grass you planted, it’s better to plant cacti instead!
51.给点阳光我就腐烂。
51. A little sunshine and I’ll rot.
52.明月几时有，把酒问青天…青天说：滚你妈的，我这么忙，哪有时刻理你，自我看天气预报去…
52. When will the bright moon appear? I raise my glass to ask the blue sky… The sky replies: Get lost, I’m so busy, I don’t have time for you. Go check the weather forecast yourself!
53.想做二奶并不是你的错，可来大学念书就是你的不对了！
53. Wanting to be a mistress is not your fault, but coming to college is your mistake!
54.我不想娶老婆老婆却娶了我。
54. I didn’t want to marry a wife, but a wife married me.
55.早晨懒床，遂从口袋里掏出枚硬币：如果抛出去六个都是正面，我就去上课！思躇良久，还是算了，别冒这个险了……
55. In the morning, I was too lazy to get out of bed, so I took out a coin from my pocket: If all six tosses come up heads, I’ll go to class! After hesitating for a long time, I decided not to take the risk…
56.我和我父亲的相似之处是不一样的。
56. The similarities between my father and me are different.
57.张照片充分揭示华南虎成为超稀有物种的原因——吐着舌头正面被人拍了半个小时都不带换个姿势的老虎，它不灭绝谁灭绝！
57. The photo fully reveals the reason why the South China tiger has become an extremely rare species - a tiger that sticks out its tongue and is photographed head-on for half an hour without changing its posture. If it doesn’t go extinct, who will?
58.怎样死的？还不是穷死的。
58. How did it die? It was poor to death.
59.跌倒了，爬起来再哭~~~
59. If you fall, get up and cry again~~~
60.俗话说：你笑，全世界都跟着你笑；你哭，全世界只有你一个人哭。
60. As the saying goes: If you laugh, the whole world laughs with you; if you cry, only you cry in the world.
61.你不是黄蓉，你只是蝗虫，你为嘛要靖哥哥？你真不好脸。
61. You’re not Huang Rong, you’re just a locust. Why do you want Jingge? You’re really shameless.
62.别跟我谈理想了好不？我戒了！
62. Don’t talk to me about ideals, okay? I’ve quit!
63.洗脸只洗脸颊刷牙只刷门牙。
63. Wash only the cheeks when washing the face, and brush only the front teeth when brushing teeth.
64.电视里看到骨瘦如柴的非洲难民，偶很心痛，奶奶却说：“娃啊，你可千万别被此刻的电视给骗了，他们会没钱吃饭？？那他们母亲还带他们去烫发！”
64. I saw the emaciated African refugees on TV, and I felt heartbroken. But my grandma said, “Kid, don’t be deceived by the TV right now. If they have no money for food, how can their mothers take them to get their hair permed?”
65.两小儿辩日，一儿曰：一天就是一日！一儿曰：一日就是一天！
65. Two children debated the sun, one child said: One day is just one day! The other child said: One day is just one day!
66.师太，你等着，老衲去让佛祖赐婚！
66. Nun, wait for me, I’ll go and ask the Buddha for a marriage blessing!
67.一想到祖国没统一就忍不着想抽烟…
67. Thinking about how our motherland is not yet unified makes me unable to resist the urge to smoke…
68.刚才在一个网站上注册了一个用户名叫“爹”，结果给我发了一个邮件，开始我一看就傻眼了，上方写的是：爹，您好，你的用户名注册成功了！
68. Just now, I registered a user named “Dad” on a website. As a result, I received an email that made me speechless at first glance. It said: Dad, hello, your username has been successfully registered!
69.应对我前面的人群，我得穿过而且潇洒，我知道你在旁边上看着，挺假…
69. Facing the crowd in front of me, I have to pass through and be chic. I know you’re watching from the side, it’s quite fake…
70.我喜欢孩子，更喜欢造孩子的过程！
70. I like children, and I like the process of making them even more!
71.别以为女孩靠漂亮就能够让我动心，至少她还要够愚蠢！
71. Don’t think that a girl’s prettiness can move my heart. At least she has to be stupid enough!
72.黑夜给了我一双黑色的眼睛，可我却用它来翻白眼。
72. The night gave me a pair of black eyes, but I used them to roll my eyes.
73.误入一理发室，对洗头妹百般挑逗冷脸拒绝。理发完毕，给元找零，洗头妹以没有零钱为由坦开胸怀：摸三把，不用找零了！
73. By mistake, I entered a hair salon and flirted with the shampoo girl, who coldly refused. After the haircut, I gave her the money and she said she didn’t have change, so she opened her arms: Touch three times, no need to change!
74.男女调情的时候，诞生了最具特色的汉字：凹凸。
74. When men and women flirt, the most characteristic Chinese character is created: concave and convex.
75.人生三愿：一是吃得下饭，二是睡得着觉，三是笑得出来。
75. Three wishes in life: First, to be able to eat, second, to be able to sleep, and third, to be able to laugh.
76.哥们最大的愿望是：美女不穿衣裳！
76. My buddy’s biggest wish is: for beautiful women to be naked!
77.只需一分钟就能够碰到一个人，一小时喜欢上一个人，一天爱上一个人，但需要花尽生命的时刻去忘掉一个人。
77. It only takes a minute to meet someone, an hour to like someone, a day to fall in love with someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
78.要么好好活着，要么赶紧去死吧！
78. Either live well, or hurry up and die!
79.中华人民共和国小卖部副部长！
79. Deputy Minister of the Small Sales Department of the People’s Republic of China!
80.和尚说：“你以为我是吃素的？”尼姑说：“老娘什么没见过！”
80. Monk: “Do you think I’m a vegetarian?” Nun: “I’ve seen everything, old lady!”
81.导演：“真正的艺术是无价的！”演员：“咱们要为艺术献身！”记者：“能先从被窝里面出来拍几张照片吗？”
81. Director: “True art is priceless!” Actor: “We must dedicate ourselves to art!” Reporter: “Can you come out of the bed and take a few photos first?”
82.永远不好坚信那些硬了一会儿，就软绵绵的东西！
82. Never trust something that gets hard for a while and then becomes soft and limp.
83.庄严承诺对外不首先使用城管。
83. Solemnly promise not to use urban management forces first against others.
84.我爱你！关你什么事？
84. I love you! What does it have to do with you?
85.如果你不能给你的女生穿上嫁衣，那么千万别停下你解开她衣扣的手！
85. If you can’t dress the girl you’re with in a wedding gown, then don’t stop unbuttoning her clothes!
86.什么世道啊这是，人活得象狗，狗活得象人。
86. What kind of world is this, where people live like dogs and dogs live like humans.
87.我把棉裤那么一脱，春姑娘就轻盈地来了——
87. As soon as I took off my cotton pants, the spring girl came gracefully.
88.义无返顾的爱他，期望他能明白，即使不明白也没有关联，谁叫我爱他呢？！
88. Love him wholeheartedly, hoping he will understand, even if he doesn’t understand, it doesn’t matter, who told me I love him?!
89.你别皮进肉不进啊！
89. Don’t just touch the surface, get deeper into the matter!
90.不好坚信任何美丽的谎言…比如共产主义的实现要靠你我发奋！
90. Don’t trust any beautiful lies… like the realization of communism depending on your and my efforts!
91.网络就像是监狱，本来是偷了个钱包进来的，等出去的时候就什么都学习并领悟了。
91. The internet is like a prison, you come in for stealing a wallet, and when you go out, you’ve learned everything.
92.与人争执时，退一步海阔天空；追女友时，退一步人去楼空。
92. When arguing with others, taking a step back gives you a broader perspective; when chasing a girlfriend, taking a step back leaves you empty-handed.
93.没落的贵族一但穷困潦倒，他会生不如死；乞丐即使再破一次产也不会觉得痛苦。
93. Once a fallen aristocrat becomes destitute, he would rather die than live; a beggar wouldn’t feel pain even if he went bankrupt again.
94.“友谊第一，比赛第二”，比如说，举行婚礼时新郎和新娘总要手拉着手。
94. “Friendship first, competition second,” for example, during a wedding ceremony, the bride and groom always hold hands.
95.很黑的深夜，我突然想要学习，但是当我找到蜡烛的时候，天已经亮了……
95. In the dark night, I suddenly wanted to study, but when I found the candle, it was already daylight…
96.当你想不通的时候，想一下自我是在中国，一切就豁然开朗了。
96. When you can’t figure something out, think about the fact that you are in China, and everything will become clear.
97.我花万买了个西周陶罐，昨儿到《鉴宝》栏目进行鉴定，专家严肃地说：“这哪是西周的？这是上周的！”
97. I spent ten thousand yuan on a Western Zhou pottery jar. Yesterday, I took it to the “Appraisal” column for identification, and the expert said seriously, “This is not from the Western Zhou Dynasty; it’s from last week!”
98.真的不想在做了——正因铁杵已经磨成了“绣花针”了。
98. I really don’t want to do it anymore – precisely because the iron pestle has been ground into a “embroidery needle.”
99.男生最傻的时候是第一次穿西装上班的时候，女生最傻的时候是第一次穿吊带裙上街的时候。
99. The silliest time for boys is when they first wear a suit to work, and for girls, it’s when they first wear a spaghetti strap dress on the street.
100.逃课太多，一天想去上课，见到教授，教授惊讶地说，这么长时刻不见，长这么大了。
100. I skipped class too much, and one day I wanted to go to class. When I saw the professor, he said in surprise, “It’s been so long, and you’ve grown up so much!”
1.虽然你身上喷了古龙水，但我还是能隐约闻到一股人渣味儿。
1. Although you have sprayed cologne on yourself, I can still vaguely smell a scent of scum.
2.人的生命就像在拉屎，有时你已经很发奋了可出来的只是一个屁。
2. Life is like defecating; sometimes you try very hard, but all that comes out is a fart.
3.情人最后难免成为禽兽…这天你不操她，明天她就让别人操！
3. Lovers inevitably become beasts… If you don’t sleep with her today, she’ll let someone else sleep with her tomorrow!
4.经典的到了要死人的程度。
4. Classic to the point of being deadly.
5.问：你喜欢我哪一点？答：我喜欢你离我远一点！
5. Q: What do you like about me? A: I like you staying away from me!
6.试金能够用火，试女生能够用金，试男生能够用女生。
6. Gold can test girls, and girls can test boys.
7.从天堂到地狱，我飘过人间！
7. From heaven to hell, I have floated through the human world!
8.我心眼儿有些小，但是不缺；我脾气很好，但不是没有！
8. My heart is a little small, but it’s not missing; my temper is good, but not nonexistent!
9.本人纯属虚构，如遇在线，实属见鬼！
9. I am purely fictional, and if you encounter me online, it’s really like seeing a ghost!
10.当年卖淫是正因缺钱，此刻卖淫是正因缺男生。
10. Back then, I turned to prostitution because of a lack of money; now, I turn to prostitution because there’s a shortage of men.
11.起那么早干吗？酒吧还没开门呢！
11. Why get up so early? The bar hasn’t opened yet!
12.我的梦想：有事秘书干，没事干秘书。现实却是：有事秘书干不了，没事不能干秘书。
12. My dream: When there’s work, the secretary does it; when there’s no work, I do the secretary. The reality is: The secretary can’t do the work, and I can’t do the secretary when there’s no work.
13.要用心去爱你的邻居，但是不好让她的老公知道！
13. Love your neighbor with all your heart, but don’t let her husband know!
14.喜欢是淡淡的爱；爱是深深的喜欢。
14. Liking is a light love; love is a deep liking.
15.天上掉钞票我不会弯腰，正因天上连馅饼都不会掉，更别说掉钞票了。
15. If money falls from the sky, I won’t bend over because even pie won’t fall from the sky, let alone money.
16.回忆是一座桥，却是通往寂寞的牢
16. Memories are like a bridge, but they lead to the prison of loneliness.
17.能够不好好学习，但决不能不好好复习。
17. You can skip studying, but never skip reviewing.
18.连广告也信，读书读傻了吧！
18. If you believe in advertisements, you must have read too many books!
19.岁出场亮相，岁天天向上。岁远大理想，岁发奋图强。岁基本定向，岁处处吃香。岁打打麻将，岁处处闲逛。岁拉拉家常，岁挂在墙上！
19. At 20, make your debut; at 30, strive for the better. At 40, set your goals; at 50, be sought after everywhere. At 60, play mahjong; at 70, wander around. At 80, chat about daily life; at 90, hang on the wall!
20.生活就像拉屎，有时候你很发奋，出来的也但是是个屁。
20. Life is like defecating; sometimes you try hard, but all you get is a fart.
21.大家都装明白了，但就是有那么个别的笨蛋还是不装明白。
21. Everyone pretends to understand, but there are still a few fools who don’t pretend to understand.
22.你快回来，我一人忽悠不来！
22. Come back soon, I can’t忽悠 by myself!
23.别和我聊人生，和我聊生人吧！
23. Don’t talk to me about life, let’s talk about strangers!
24.多多关注三峡在线，便可分享更多经典盘点。
24. Pay more attention to Three Gorges Online, and you can share more classic reviews.
25.天空不留下鸟的痕迹，但我已飞过！
25. The sky doesn’t leave traces of birds, but I have flown by!
26.攻占脑细胞远比攻占卵细胞困难得多。
26. It’s much more difficult to conquer brain cells than egg cells.
27.原来只要是分开了的人，不论原来多么熟悉，也会慢慢变得疏远。
27. It turns out that once people are separated, no matter how familiar they were, they will gradually become distant.
28.宿舍的弟兄决定对张舍监实施以下惩罚：让其抱着贴满老中医广告的电线杆，饱含热泪充满深情的大声呐喊：我的病最后有救了啊！
28. The dormitory brothers decided to punish the dormitory supervisor by making him hug a utility pole covered with old Chinese medicine advertisements, and with tears and deep affection, shout loudly: My illness is finally cured!
29.我是一坨风干的牛粪。
29. I am a lump of dried cow dung.
30.多少颗大白菜才肯和俺睡一觉啊？？
30. How many cabbages would it take for someone to sleep with me?
31.摇啊摇，摇到奈何桥。
31. Shake, shake, shake to the Naihe Bridge.
32.有奶不必须是娘，但有钱必须是爷！
32. Having milk doesn’t have to be a mother, but having money must be the master!
33.这天一群曰本人来我校参观——说实话，这是我第一次看到穿衣服的曰本人！
33. Today, a group of Japanese people came to visit our school - to be honest, this is the first time I’ve seen Japanese people wearing clothes!
34.当咱们失去的时候，才知道自我以前拥有。
34. Only when we lose something do we realize what we once had.
35.春天我把玉米埋在土里，到了秋天我就会收获很多玉米。春天我把老婆埋在土里，到了秋天我就会…被枪毙！
35. In spring, I bury corn in the ground, and by autumn, I will harvest a lot of corn. In spring, I bury my wife in the ground, and by autumn, I will… be executed!
36.自从我变成了狗屎，就再也没有人踩在我头上了。
36. Since I became dog feces, no one has stepped on my head anymore.
37.众里寻他千百度，蓦然回首，那人依旧对我不屑一顾…
37. Searching for him in the crowd, turning around suddenly, that person still disregards me…
38.一向在离梦想很远的地方漂泊，完美是个多么奢侈的念头，最后搜集了足够多的伤口，才懂得分的幸福已经足够。
38. Always wandering far from dreams, perfection is such a luxurious thought, and only after collecting enough wounds do we realize that the happiness we once shared is enough.
39.女生就像中秋的月饼，过了十五的晚上就不值钱了！
39. Girls are like Mid-Autumn mooncakes, worthless after the night of the 15th!
40.天堂就在女生的洞穴里！
40. Heaven is in the cave of girls!
41.上这天的班，睡昨日的觉！
41. Working today, sleeping yesterday’s sleep!
42.女生是制造人类的工具，男生是使用工具的人类。
42. Girls are the tools for creating humans, and boys are the humans who use the tools.
43.也许有一天咱们务必陌生，那么就请你在我的肩上留下所有的不幸……
43. Maybe one day we must become strangers, so please leave all your misfortunes on my shoulder…
44.，来人，拖出去，jj切片炒青椒！
44. Someone, drag him out, slice his jj and stir-fry with green peppers!
45.谁，执我之手，敛我半世癫狂；谁，吻我之眸，遮我半世流离。
45. Who, holding my hand, subdues my half-life madness; who, kissing my eyes, covers my half-life wandering.
46.做个有气质的流氓，做个有品位是色狼，做个有知识的文盲！
46. Be a classy hooligan, be a tasteful lecher, be a knowledgeable illiterate!
47.我总在牛a与牛c之间徘徊。
47. I always hover between A and C!
48.禁欲中，勿扰！否则，我就破戒。
48. Abstaining, do not disturb! Otherwise, I will break my vow.
49.结婚前男生借钱也要让女生吃好，结婚后女生借钱也要让男生吃好。
49. Before marriage, boys borrow money to make sure girls eat well; after marriage, girls borrow money to make sure boys eat well.
50.如果你同时爱几个人，说明你年轻；如果你只爱一个人，那么，你已经老了；如果你谁也不爱，你已获得重生。
50. If you love several people at the same time, it means you are young; if you only love one person, then you are already old; if you don’t love anyone, you have been reborn.
51.好久不贱啊贱客，听说你练成人贱合一了？
51. Long time no see, scoundrel! I heard you’ve practiced the art of being a scoundrel and a man as one?
52.难免埋怨时刻的手，把相爱写成相爱过。
52. It’s hard to avoid blaming time’s hand for turning love into “once loved.”
53.人的寂寞，有时候能从身体上看出来！
53. Sometimes, a person’s loneliness can be seen in their body!
54.世态炎凉鸡最懂，人情冷暖鸭先知。
54. The world’s coldness and warmth, chickens understand best; human affections, ducks know first.
55.用你的剩余添满她的空虚！
55. Fill her emptiness with your leftovers!
56.有一个很古老的传说，说是在北邮校园内能看到美女的人会长生不老……
56. There is a very ancient legend that says those who can see beautiful women in the North邮 campus will live forever…
57.我宁愿你抱着别的女生想我，也不愿你抱着我想别的女生。
57. I would rather you hold another girl and think of me than hold me and think of another girl.
58.森林这么大，我竟然找不到吊死的一棵树！
58. The forest is so vast, and I can’t find a tree to hang myself from!
59.本QQ长期代理搭讪与被搭讪业务，欢迎广大妇女儿童面带微笑前来洽谈。
59. This QQ account is a long-term agent for both initiating and receiving pick-up lines. Welcome all women and children with a smile to come and discuss.
60.永远有多远？你小子就给我滚多远！
60. How far is forever? Get away from me as far as that!
61.在月球上强奸日本人让地球人说去吧！
61. Rape Japanese people on the moon and let the people of Earth talk about it!
62.我左青龙，右白虎，肩膀纹个米老鼠。
62. I have a green dragon on my left, a white tiger on my right, and a Mickey Mouse tattoo on my shoulder.
63.不怕美女把我当色狼，就怕丑女把我当流氓！
63. I’m not afraid of beautiful women thinking I’m a pervert; I’m afraid of ugly women thinking I’m a hooligan!
64.越来越多的年轻人开始纹身了，想想四五十年后的夏天吧，有纹身的老头儿老太太……
64. More and more young people are starting to get tattoos. Just imagine the summer in 40 or 50 years, with tattooed old men and women…
65.风情万种的女生是打火机，不解风情的女生是灭火器。
65. Women full of charm are like lighters, while those who don’t understand charm are like fire extinguishers.
66.蚊子咬你之后真的很气愤，但是更气愤的是，它咬了你，你却找不到它！
66. It’s really infuriating when a mosquito bites you, but what’s even more infuriating is that after it bites you, you can’t find it!
67.感情就是犯贱，而且还是一次又一次的犯贱。什么时候你不犯贱了，女生就来了！
67. Love is about being cheap, and doing it over and over again. When you stop being cheap, the girls will come!
68.这天看书，看到康熙皇帝在二十三岁的时候已经贵为一国之君，绩伟功丰，我很沮丧；但又看到同治皇帝在二十三岁时已经死了四年了，我平衡了。
68. Reading about Emperor Kangxi today, I felt depressed knowing that at twenty-three, he was already ruling a nation with outstanding achievements; but then, reading that Emperor Tongzhi had already been dead for four years at the age of twenty-three restored my balance.
69.偶尔幽生活一默你会觉得很爽，但生活幽你一默就惨了…
69. Occasionally joking about life can feel great, but if life jokes on you, that’s a tragedy…
70.要在江湖混，最好是光棍！
70. To survive in the jianghu (martial world), it’s best to be a bachelor!
71.生活有时就像被太监强奸一样——反抗是痛苦，不反抗还是痛苦！
71. Sometimes life is like being raped by a eunuch—it hurts to resist, and it still hurts if you don’t.
72.要不是骗子太多，我早把肾给卖了！
72. If it weren’t for con artists everywhere, I would have sold my kidney a long time ago!
73.真正的好兄弟姐妹，并不是在一齐就有聊不完的话题，而是在一齐，就算不说话，也不会觉得尴尬。
73. True siblings are not about having endless topics to talk about when together, but rather, feeling no awkwardness even when not speaking a word in each other’s company.
74.前进的理由只要一个，后退的理由却要一百个。许多人整天找一百个理由证明他不是懦夫，却从不用一个理由证明他是勇士。
74. One reason is enough to move forward, but a hundred reasons are needed to take a step back. Many people spend their whole lives finding a hundred reasons to prove they are not cowards, but never use a single reason to prove they are brave.
75.当初我降临人世的时候，上帝许诺说要把他最美丽的女儿嫁给我。我左右顾盼，上下求索，等了年了，还没见到仙女的影子。我很郁闷，于是跑去问上帝。上帝说：“你急什么？我都还没女兄弟姐妹呢！”
75. When I first arrived in this world, God promised to marry me to his most beautiful daughter. I looked around and searched high and low, waiting for years, but I still haven’t seen the shadow of a fairy. I feel very depressed, so I went to ask God. God said, “Why are you in such a hurry? I don’t even have any sisters or daughters yet!”
76.恐龙说：“遇到色狼，不慌不忙；遇到禽兽，慢慢享受……”
76. The dinosaur said, “When encountering a lecher, stay calm; when encountering a beast, take your time to enjoy…”
77.想污染一个地方有两种方法：垃圾，或是钞票！
77. There are two ways to pollute a place: garbage or money!
78.男生送女生胸衣，表示想建立情人关联；女生送男生内裤，表示已经有了情人关联。
78. When a guy gives a girl a bra, it means he wants to establish a romantic relationship; when a girl gives a guy underwear, it means they already have a romantic relationship.
79.生下来的人没有怕死的，怕死的都TM没生下来，因此谁都别TM的装横！
79. No one is born afraid of death; those who are afraid of death never made it to birth. So don’t act tough!
80.见到我以后你会突然发现——啊，原来帅也能够这样具体呀！
80. After seeing me, you’ll suddenly realize - ah, it turns out that handsome can be so concrete!
81.佛曰：俺也用妇炎洁！
81. Buddha says: I also use Femfresh!
82.男生的思念是对肉体的一种饥渴之情，是对性欲一种发自内心的呼唤。我很不幸，得了这种美名其曰相思的病。
82. A guy’s longing is a hunger for the flesh, a call from the heart for sexual desire. Unfortunately, I have contracted this so-called lovesickness.
83.哲学家的感情是讨论题，文学家的感情是作文题，数学家的感情是计算题，政治家的感情是决定题，普通人的感情是填充题，用感情填充无聊的生活。
83. The emotions of philosophers are discussion questions, the emotions of literary figures are essay questions, the emotions of mathematicians are calculation questions, the emotions of politicians are decision questions, the emotions of ordinary people are fill-in-the-blank questions, using emotions to fill the boring life.
84.看着我的眼睛，除了眼屎，你还会看到坚毅和真诚。
84. Look into my eyes, and besides eye屎, you will see determination and sincerity.
85.大学毕业后，某日看到N久没联系的同学在河对岸放马，我就嘲笑他：“小样，都混成这样了！”结果他和我吵起来，我怒：“靠，有种你放马过来啊！”他说：“谁怕谁啊？有种你牵牛过来呀！”
85. After graduating from college, one day I saw a classmate I hadn’t contacted in a long time herding horses on the other side of the river. I mocked him: “Wow, you’ve sunk so low!” We ended up arguing, and I angrily said: “Come on, bring your horse over here if you dare!” He replied: “Who’s afraid of whom? Bring your cow over here!”
86.难道全世界的鸡蛋联合起来就能打破石头吗？！因此做人还是要现实些……
86. Can all the eggs in the world join forces and break a stone? Therefore, it’s better to be realistic when living…
87.在傻瓜眼里，聪明人的聪明一文不值。
87. In the eyes of a fool, the intelligence of a smart person is worth nothing.
88.出问题先从自我身上找原因，别一便秘就怪地球没引力。
88. When there’s a problem, first look for reasons within yourself, don’t blame the lack of gravity on Earth just because you have constipation.
89.如果有一双眼睛陪我一同哭泣，就值得我为性命受苦。
89. If there’s a pair of eyes to cry with me, it’s worth suffering for my life.
90.我喜欢的女孩要像黛玉一样有才气，像宝钗一样懂事，像可卿一样漂亮，像湘云一样豪爽，像李纨一样忠贞，像探春一样能干，像凤姐一样精明，还要像元春一样有福气，呵呵……
90. The girl I like should have the talent of Daiyu, the understanding of Baochai, the beauty of Keqing, the boldness of Xiangyun, the loyalty of Li Wan, the capability of Tanchun, the shrewdness of Feng Jie, and the good fortune of Yuanchun. Hehe…
91.算完工资的涨幅后再算算猪肉的，就会发现自我连猪都不如！
91. After calculating the increase in my salary, I realized I’m not even as good as a pig when it comes to the price of pork!
92.快来个女生糟蹋糟蹋我吧！
92. Come on, girl, come and ravage me!
93.我想我是个变态，我有恋母和喜欢极品熟女的癖好。不然为什么每次看到咱们超市主管的那张脸，我都想操她奶奶？
93. I think I’m a pervert; I have a fetish for mothers and extremely mature women. Otherwise, why do I always want to sleep with our supermarket supervisor’s grandmother whenever I see her face?
94.我也不知道为什么会这样，我只是喜欢上兄弟的女生！
94. I don’t know why it’s like this; I just fell for my brother’s girl!
95.天塌下来你顶着，我垫着！
95. If the sky falls, you hold it up, and I’ll cushion it!
96.孔雀拼命开屏，却露出屁眼！
96. The peacock tries so hard to show off its feathers, but ends up revealing its butt!
97.我和女友分居了，其实咱们的性生活还是蛮和谐的——我性无能，她性冷淡…
97. My girlfriend and I have separated, but actually, our sex life was quite harmonious – I’m impotent, and she’s frigid…
98.爱就一个字，我没做一次！
98. Love is a single word, and I haven’t done it once!
99.为配合今年中国计划生育工作的胜利完成，本人决定暂时不和异性兄弟姐妹接触，多谢合作。
99. To support the successful completion of China’s family planning work this year, I have decided to temporarily avoid contact with siblings of the opposite sex. Thank you for your cooperation.
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