1.家人面前小清新，生人面前文静帝，老师面前学习帝，同学面前重口味，爱人面前小萝莉，闺蜜面前女流氓。
1. Innocent in front of family, quiet in front of strangers, studious in front of teachers, edgy in front of classmates, little loli in front of a lover, and a female hooligan in front of best friends.
2.如果我的人生是一部电影，那你就是中途弹出来的广告。
2. If my life is a movie, then you are the ad that pops up halfway through.
3.我允许你走进我的世界，但不许你在我的世界里走来走去。
3. I allow you to enter my world, but I won’t allow you to walk around in it.
4.您的QQ已中木马病毒，请发送“我爱你”启动防火墙，系统将自动为您杀毒。
4. Your QQ has been infected with a Trojan virus. Please send “I love you” to activate the firewall, and the system will automatically disinfect it for you.
5.生活可以将就，生活也可以讲究！
5. Life can be made do, or life can be exquisite!
6.你的射击成绩真是太糟了，我要是你，我就立刻自杀，为以防万一你要多带一些子弹的。
6. Your shooting score is really terrible. If I were you, I would commit suicide immediately, just in case you need to bring extra bullets.
7.还有什么资格吃，我再胖下去就没人要了。
7. What qualifications do I have to eat? If I get any fatter, no one will want me.
8.小时候我以为自己长大后可以拯救整个世界，等长大后才发现整个世界都拯救不了我……
8. When I was young, I thought I could save the whole world when I grew up. But when I grew up, I realized that the whole world couldn’t save me…
9.手机我对不起你，每天把你按的死去活来的！
9. I’m sorry, phone. I press you to death every day!
10.就算是Believe中间还是有个lie，就算是Friend最后还是免不了end，就算是Lover最后还是会over，就算是Forget也得先get才行，就算有Wife心里也夹杂着if…
10. Even in “Believe,” there is a “lie”; even in “Friend,” there is an “end”; even in “Lover,” there is an “over”; even in “Forget,” you have to “get” first; even with a “Wife,” there is still an “if” in the heart…
11.你出生后是不是被扔上去次，但只被接住过次？
11. Were you thrown up in the air times after birth, but only caught once?
12.刚刚和同事一起边聊天边上嘘嘘，想着都是男人，也没什么，谁知刚掏出来，就发现同事的眼神盯在了我的JJ上，我低头一看，卧槽！一圈残存的抽纸。
12. Just now, I was chatting with a colleague while using the urinal. Thinking we were both men, there was nothing wrong with it. But as soon as I took it out, I noticed my colleague’s gaze on my JJ. I looked down and, damn it! There was a ring of residual toilet paper on it.
13.世上淑女不多，可装着装着就多了。
13. There aren’t many ladies in the world, but there are more and more who pretend to be.
14.虚假的最高境界就是，让你再见正品时都不再相信那是正品了。
14. The highest level of falsehood is when you no longer believe the genuine product when you see it again.
15.楼主姓袁，刚刚有了孩子，想给孩子起名，求网友想个好名字。楼下神回复：袁芳，你怎么看？
15. I, with the surname Yuan, just had a child and want to give them a good name. Please, netizens, help me think of a good name. A witty reply from the next floor: Yuan Fang, what do you think?
16.谎言与誓言的区别在于：一个是听的人当真了，一个是说的人当真了。
16. The difference between a lie and a vow is that one is taken seriously by the listener, and the other is taken seriously by the speaker.
17.孔雀拼命开屏，却露出屁眼！
17. The peacock tries so hard to show off its feathers, but ends up revealing its rear.
18.师太，你等着，老衲去让佛祖赐婚！
18. Wait, Master, I’ll go ask the Buddha for a marriage blessing!
19.我嗅到浓郁的香奈尔，却也被那种陌生呛了一鼻。也许，我却不知道，那时的感受了。那里没有那么美好，没有安全感，归属感。我想要的自由呢，不完全地体验到了。
19. I smell the rich Chanel, but I am also choked by that unfamiliar scent. Perhaps, I don’t know, how I felt back then. It wasn’t that beautiful there, no sense of security or belonging. Where is the freedom I wanted? I experienced it incompletely.
20.我要玩的是感觉，不是你的器官！
20. I want to play for the feeling, not your organ!
21.等我有钱了，我就买一辆公交车，专门走公交专用车道，专门停在公交车站，等有人想上车了，我就说：对不起，这是私家车。
21. When I’m rich, I’ll buy a bus and use the bus-only lanes, stopping only at bus stops. When someone wants to get on, I’ll say, “Sorry, this is a private vehicle.”
22.你说你以后可能会和不喜欢的人结婚，没关系，我愿意做那个你不喜欢的人。
22. You said you might marry someone you don’t like in the future. No worries, I’m willing to be that person you don’t like.
23.死啦！没有希望了！我不甘心呀，我还有个心愿，就是穿上晚礼服，跳进一个挤满美女的浴池，然后被她们弄得死去活来！
23. I’m dead! There’s no hope! I’m not reconciled yet, I still have a wish, which is to put on an evening gown and jump into a bathtub full of beautiful women, then be toyed with by them until I’m half-dead!
24.卸无可卸的包袱，退无可退的道路；忍无可忍的眼泪，追无可追的前途。
24. The burden that can’t be put down, the road that can’t be retreated; the tears that can’t be held back, the future that can’t be chased.
25.有时候，不是对方不在乎你，而是你把对方看的太重。
25. Sometimes, it’s not that the other party doesn’t care about you, but you put them on a pedestal.
26.天赐你一双翅膀，就应该被红烧…
26. Heaven gave you a pair of wings, and they should be braised…
27.好男人，就是和媳妇吵架时，抱着必输的心态。
27. A good man is someone who, when arguing with his wife, has a mindset of admitting defeat.
28.什么世道啊这是，人活得像狗，狗活得像人。
28. What kind of world is this? People live like dogs, and dogs live like people.
29.本人已成仙，有事请发烟，佛说有烟没火成不了正果，有火没烟成不了仙。
29. I have become an immortal, if you have any business, please send a cigarette. Buddha said that without fire, you can’t achieve enlightenment, and without a cigarette, you can’t become an immortal.
30.你不觉得人最重要就是讲信用吗？答应别人的承诺打死都要做到。
30. Don’t you think the most important thing in a person is to keep their word? Promises made to others should be fulfilled even at the cost of one’s life.
31.手拿菜刀砍电线，一路火花带闪电。
31. Holding a kitchen knife to chop the electric wire, creating sparks and lightning along the way.
32.小时侯，我家里很穷，没钱买自行车，我只好每天打的上学。初中的时候，因为我成绩太突出，学校领导留我多读了两年。初中毕业后，高中的校长觉得我很有前途，就多收了我三万。高三的时候，班主任认为我已经有独立生存的能力，于是让我退了学。
32. When I was young, my family was very poor, and we couldn’t afford a bicycle, so I had to take a taxi to school every day. In junior high, because my grades were outstanding, the school leaders asked me to stay for two more years. After graduating from junior high, the principal of the high school thought I had great potential and charged me 30,000 more. In my senior year of high school, the headteacher believed I had the ability to survive independently, so he asked me to drop out.
33.人生最大的糗事就是梦里找厕所！最最大的糗事是梦没醒，厕所找到了。
33. The most embarrassing thing in life is looking for a toilet in a dream! The most embarrassing thing is waking up and finding the toilet.
34.有刺青的不一定是流氓，他可能是岳飞。
34. Not everyone with a tattoo is a gangster; they might be Yue Fei.
35.第一次做饭，问我爸咋样，他说：“这盐炒的不错，有淡淡的蛋香”。
35. The first time I cooked, I asked my dad how it was, and he said, “This salt-fried dish is not bad, with a faint egg aroma.”
36.你以为你是谁？你就是泼出去的水我连盆都不要。
36. Who do you think you are? You’re like the water I’ve splashed out, and I don’t even want the basin back.
37.为了祖国下一代，再丑也要谈恋爱，谈到世界充满爱……
37. For the sake of the next generation of our motherland, even if you’re ugly, you must still fall in love, and make the world full of love…
38.老天，你让夏天和冬天同居了吗？！生出这种鬼天气！
38. God, did you let summer and winter live together?! They created this weird weather!
39.高中有次上计算机课，旁边同学的电脑老半天开不起来，只见他大手一招：“老板，换台机子。”
39. In high school, during a computer class, my classmate’s computer wouldn’t start for a long time. He waved his hand and said, “Boss, change the computer.”
40.在通往牛逼的路上，我一路狂奔！
40. On the road to being awesome, I’m sprinting all the way!
41.我们好像进入了一个只有拿出钱才能证明爱心的时代。
41. It seems that we have entered an era where love can only be proven by spending money.
42.按揭就是把你按倒在地，一层层向下揭皮…
42. Mortgage is like being pressed to the ground and having one’s skin peeled off layer by layer…
43.文思三千不如胸脯四两，才高八斗不如胯下半斤！
43. A thousand thoughts are not as good as a four-tael bosom, and eight bushels of talent are not as good as half a catty between the legs!
44.网络就像是监狱，本来是偷了个钱包进来的，等出去的时候就什么都学会了。
44. The internet is like a prison; you come in for stealing a wallet, and when you leave, you’ve learned everything.
45.火锅城为了招揽生意，在广告牌上写了这样一句话：“自助火锅，每位元，身高米以下的儿童免费。”幼儿园的阿姨看后无比激动，她怀揣元钱，领着班上的名小朋友来到了火锅城。
45. To attract customers, a hot pot restaurant wrote on its sign: “Buffet hot pot, X yuan per person, children under Y meters tall eat for free.” A kindergarten teacher, after seeing this, was extremely excited. She took out her money and led her class of Z children to the hot pot restaurant.
46.大学老师一枚，上学期期末批改卷纸的时候发现一奇葩卷纸，第一页只写了几行字“老师，我不会，后面不用看了，啥也没写。”当我翻到第二页的时候，老子受惊了，还有一行字：“老师，你不相信我是吧！”
46. As a university teacher, I found a strange exam paper while grading them last semester. The first page only had a few lines: “Teacher, I don’t know, don’t bother looking at the rest, nothing is written.” When I turned to the second page, I was shocked to find another line: “Teacher, you don’t believe me, do you?”
47.有人说我胖？真的搞笑，大家不都两位数，三位数吗？你一位数？
47. Someone said I’m fat? That’s really funny. Aren’t we all in the double or triple digits? Are you in single digits?
48.教授在河边看到两只乌龟缩着一动不动,问一农民：它们在干吗？农民说：在PK。 教授不解：动都没动过，P什么K？老农：在比谁的寿命长。教授：可是壳上有甲骨文的那只，早就死了啊？这时，另一只猛然探出头来骂道：MD，死了也不吭一声！另一只也伸出头来：“SB！专家说啥你信啥！”
48. A professor saw two turtles motionless by the river and asked a farmer what they were doing. The farmer replied that they were having a PK (competition). The professor was puzzled: “They haven’t moved at all, what kind of PK is this?” The farmer explained that they were comparing who lived longer. The professor then noticed that one of the turtles had oracle bone inscriptions on its shell and said it must be dead. At that moment, the other turtle suddenly stuck its head out and cursed: “Damn it, why didn’t you say anything when you died?” The other turtle also stretched its neck out and said, “Idiot! Believe everything the expert says!”
49.洗脸只洗脸颊刷牙只刷门牙。
49. When washing my face, I only wash my cheeks; when brushing my teeth, I only brush my front teeth.
50.当某人装酷时，姐都会低下头，不是姐害羞，姐是在找砖头！
50. When someone acts cool, I lower my head. It’s not because I’m shy, but because I’m looking for a brick!
51.只有能力强会被当成纯技术人员；而光会社交拍马又会被认为没有真才实学；所以，要想在单位中脱颖而出，最重要的是有关系。
51. Only those with strong abilities are considered pure technical personnel; while those who are good at socializing and flattering are thought to have no real talent. Therefore, to stand out in a workplace, the most important thing is to have connections.
52.你让我滚，我滚了。你让我回来，对不起，滚远了！
52. You told me to roll away, and I did. You want me to come back? Sorry, I’ve rolled too far!
53.染指流年之间，我学习并领悟了怎样用一个旁观者的姿态来诠释一切。
53. Between the fleeting years, I have learned to interpret everything with the attitude of a bystander.
54.一个好妻子决不会要求丈夫给她买这样买那样；一个好丈夫决不会等着妻子开口才买。
54. A good wife will never ask her husband to buy her this or that; a good husband will never wait for his wife to speak up before buying something.
55.我没有一个华丽的外表，但我有一副闷骚的灵魂。
55. I don’t have a gorgeous appearance, but I have a sultry soul.
56.理想很丰满，现实却很骨感！
56. Ideals are very full, but reality is very bony!
57.青春就像卫生纸，看着挺多的，用着用着就不够了。
57. Youth is like toilet paper; it seems like there’s plenty, but as you use it, it runs out.
58.诸葛亮出山前也没带过兵啊，你们凭啥要我有工作经验。
58. Zhuge Liang didn’t have any military experience before he came out of the mountains; why do you expect me to have work experience?
59.你进外企我当工人，因为那天是监考老师量多的日子——-坐我前面不动了！命呀！
59. You work for a foreign company, and I’m a worker because that day was when the proctor had a lot to drink – they sat in front of me without moving! Such is life!
60.在我心中，女神也是女人，女神也有七情六欲，女神也要上厕所。女神只是某个人对某个女生的自己心中的定位，你的女神不一定是我的女神，我的女神永远是我的女神，大家的女神才是真正的女神。综合上述，女神没有什么，屌丝不用等到天亮，属于逆袭的时刻到了……
60. In my heart, a goddess is also a woman. A goddess has emotions and desires, and she also goes to the bathroom. A goddess is just an individual’s perception of a certain girl. Your goddess may not be my goddess, and my goddess will always be mine. The real goddess belongs to everyone. In summary, there is nothing special about a goddess; a loser doesn’t have to wait until dawn – the time for a counterattack has arrived…
61.对不起，你拨打的用户已结婚。
61. Sorry, the person you dialed is already married.
62.我是白领：今天领了薪水，交了房租水电，买了油米泡面，摸了口袋，感叹一声，这个月工资又白领了。
62. I am a white-collar worker: Today I received my salary, paid the rent, utilities, and bought oil, rice, and instant noodles. I touched my pocket and sighed, my salary is gone again this month.
63.乐观者发明了游艇，悲观者发明了救生圈；乐观者建造了高楼，悲观者生产了救火栓；乐观者都去做了玩命的赛车手，悲观者却穿起了白大褂当了医生；最后乐观者发射了宇宙飞船，悲观者则开办了保险公司。
63. Optimists invented yachts, pessimists invented lifebuoys; optimists built skyscrapers, pessimists produced fire hydrants; optimists became daring race car drivers, pessimists put on white coats and became doctors; finally, optimists launched spaceships, while pessimists started insurance companies.
64.你像风轻盈，你像水温柔，你像雾朦胧，你像月浪漫，你像日热情，你像海宽容，你像牛健康，你像龟长寿，你像兔可爱，总之一句话：你没一点像人！
64. You are as light as the wind, as gentle as water, as misty as fog, as romantic as the moon, as passionate as the sun, as tolerant as the sea, as healthy as a cow, as long-lived as a turtle, as cute as a rabbit. In short, you don’t have a single human trait!
65.一见钟情，钟的不是情，是脸……
65. Love at first sight is not about love, but about appearance…
66.如果你是一只鱼儿，那我就是鱼钩，我要钓你；如果你是一座小山，那我就是山边的小河，我要绕你；如果你是一馍，那我就是一碗羊肉汤，我要泡你。
66. If you are a fish, then I am a fishing hook, and I want to catch you; if you are a hill, then I am the river beside it, and I want to surround you; if you are a bun, then I am a bowl of mutton soup, and I want to dip you.
67.钻石恒久远，一颗就破产！
67. Diamonds are forever, but one can lead to bankruptcy!
68.我当年也是个痴情的种子，结果下了场雨……淹死了。
68. I used to be a devoted seed, but then it rained… and I drowned.
69.单身的典型标志就是：一个月流量套餐早没了，通话套餐还剩一大半。
69. A typical sign of being single is: the monthly data package is gone, but there’s still plenty left in the call package.
70.年轻算什么？谁没年轻过？你老过吗？真是的。
70. What’s the big deal about being young? Haven’t we all been young before? Have you ever been old? Seriously.
71.不怕虎一样的敌人，就怕猪一样的队友。
71. It’s not the enemy like a tiger that scares me, but the teammate like a pig.
72.我是小蜜蜂呀，飞入花丛中呀，飞呀，插插，飞呀，插插！
72. I am a little bee, flying into the flowers, flying, buzzing, flying, buzzing!
73.在遇上诱惑之前他总是坐怀不乱；在没有用刑之前他总是坚贞不屈！
73. He always remained unflustered before temptation; he always remained steadfast before torture.
74.暗恋是成功的哑剧，说出来就成了悲剧。
74. Unrequited love is a successful mime act; once spoken, it becomes a tragedy.
75.如果我没死是我的错，那么请在十八层地狱迎接我。
75. If my not dying is my fault, then please greet me in the 18th level of hell.
76.你都别老盯人看，再看该买票了，人动物园买猴不得有本钱么！还有，看你长得样吧，丫我前年胃液都吐出来了，我说伱可以开家减肥店了，一准挣钱，这脸长得多敬业啊！
76. Don’t stare at people all the time; if you keep staring, you’ll have to buy a ticket. If you want to buy a monkey from the zoo, don’t you need capital? Also, looking at your appearance, I vomited my stomach acid from two years ago. I tell you, you can open a weight loss shop, and it will definitely make money. Your face is so dedicated!
77.是不是帅哥，剪个平头就知道了；是不是美女，卸了妆就知道了。
77. To find out if a man is handsome, just cut his hair short; to find out if a woman is beautiful, just see her without makeup.
78.我们去打的 路漫漫其修远兮，不如我们去打的。
78. Let’s take a taxi. The road is long and has a distant repair, so let’s take a taxi instead.
79.成为你上司的动力 不要给我压力，那将是我成为你上司的动力。
79. The motivation to become your boss: Don’t put pressure on me, as it will be the motivation for me to become your boss.
80.世界上有两种人，一种是懂二进制的，一种不懂。
80. There are two types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t.
81.我想早恋，但是已经晚了……
81. I wanted to fall in love early, but it’s too late…
82.自卑有多种档次。最高档次的自卑的表现是吹嘘自己干什么都是天才。
82. There are various levels of inferiority. The highest level of inferiority is boasting that you are a genius at everything you do.
83.以后别再指责我有错别字了，我这是防伪技术。
83. Don’t accuse me of having typos anymore; it’s my anti-counterfeiting technology.
84.一个受过教育的笨蛋，是多么可怕的笨蛋啊！
84. An educated fool is多么可怕的笨蛋!
85.只有最亲密的人，才会口无遮拦的损你，同时在你最危难的时候，捞你上岸——请珍惜自己的最佳损友——好基友，一辈子！
85. Only the closest people will speak their minds in teasing you, and at the same time, help you out when you’re in the most difficult situation - cherish your best friend who teases you - best buddies, for a lifetime!
86.兄弟，如果哪天哥哥挂了一定要记得给哥哥烧美女啊！
86. Brother, if one day I kick the bucket, make sure to burn a beauty for me!
87.虽然你身上喷了古龙水，但我还是能隐约闻到一股人渣味儿。
87. Although you have sprayed cologne on yourself, I can still vaguely smell the scent of a scumbag.
88.一闪一闪亮晶晶，没有一颗是真心，全都是一堆垃圾。
88. Twinkle, twinkle, not a single one is sincere; they are all just a pile of garbage.
89.爱情像鬼，相信的人多，遇见的人少。
89. Love is like a ghost; many people believe in it, but few have encountered it.
90.邻居看到我在打孩子，忙上前来制止我，我满不在乎的微微笑道：“怕啥的，下雨天打孩子，闲着也是闲着，玩呗。”“那你他妈的打我儿子干啥！”
90. The neighbor saw me spanking my child and rushed over to stop me. I casually smiled and said, “Why worry? It’s raining, and there’s nothing better to do than play around by spanking the child.” “Then why the hell are you spanking my son?!”
91.千万别等到人人都说你丑时才发现自己真的丑。
91. Never wait until everyone says you’re ugly to realize that you really are.
92.出尔反尔是我的作风，众叛亲离是我的现状，长命百岁是我的结果。
92. Going back on my word is my style; being abandoned by everyone is my current situation; living a long life is my result.
93.失败并不意味你浪费了时间和生命，失败表明你有理由重新开始。
93. Failure doesn’t mean you’ve wasted time and life; it shows you have a reason to start over.
94.你妹的敢诅咒我吃方便面没调料包，我就诅咒你吃方便面只有调料包。
94. If you dare to curse me for not having seasoning packs in my instant noodles, I’ll curse you to only have seasoning packs in your instant noodles.
95.男人所说的内在美,指的是胸罩里面,而不是内心。
95. When men talk about inner beauty, they mean inside the bra, not the inner heart.
96.女汉子会有一群兄弟陪着他，萌妹子会有一群男朋友陪着她。
96. A tomboy will have a group of brothers accompanying her, while a cute girl will have a group of boyfriends accompanying her.
97.一女人对一男人说：来我家吧，我下面给你吃。
97. A woman said to a man: “Come to my place, and I’ll make you some noodles.”
98.房间不要多豪华，也不需要多干净，对于两个热恋中的男女来说，只要能躺下的地方都适宜做爱。
98. The room doesn’t need to be luxurious or clean; for two people in love, any place that can lie down is suitable for making love.
99.俗话说：你笑，全世界都跟着你笑；你哭，全世界只有你一个人哭。
99. As the saying goes: When you laugh, the whole world laughs with you; when you cry, only you cry alone.
100.天若有情天亦老，人若有情死得早！
100. If heaven has feelings, it will age; if people have feelings, they die sooner!
1.别老喊我禽兽，多点了解我，你会知道我禽兽不如的。
1. Don’t always call me a beast; get to know me more, and you’ll find out I’m worse than a beast.
2.谁他二大爷的告诉我诺基亚能砸核桃，现在黑屏了。
2. Who the hell told me that Nokia can crack walnuts? Now it’s blacked out.
3.男人没本事就别说女人太现实，女人没实力就别说男人太花心。
3. Men without ability shouldn’t say women are too realistic; women without strength shouldn’t say men are too flirtatious.
4.真正的勇士敢于正视漂亮的美眉，敢于直面惨淡的单身。
4. A true warrior dares to face beautiful girls and the bleak reality of being single.
5.心情好的时候，听忐忑挺好听。心情不好的时候，听什么都忐忑。
5. When in a good mood, listening to “Tan Te” is quite pleasant. When in a bad mood, listening to anything feels uneasy.
6.我的优点：勇于认错；缺点：坚决不改。
6. My strengths: bravely admitting mistakes; weaknesses: resolutely not changing them.
7.放下一勾，勾上一条，放电一电，电死一片。
7. Drop a hook, catch a fish, give a shock, electrocute a bunch.
8.中学时有贼心没贼胆，大学时有贼胆没贼心，现在贼心贼胆都有了，但贼没有了。
8. In high school, I had the heart but not the courage; in college, I had the courage but not the heart. Now I have both heart and courage, but no thief.
9.长的帅就是烦，我要是女生早就嫁给自己了。
9. Being handsome is annoying; if I were a girl, I would have married myself already.
10.其实我不是一般丑，我只是美的太过分了。
10. Actually, I’m not just average-looking ugly; I’m excessively beautiful!
11.看的太透彻，因此活得不正经！
11. Seeing too clearly makes for an unconventional life!
12.鸭子不会飞，始终飞不起来，虽然有翅膀。
12. Ducks can’t fly, they just can’t get off the ground, even with wings.
13.抛出去的砖头，不一定能引出玉，倒很可能砸到人。
13. A thrown brick may not reveal a jade, but it’s likely to hit someone.
14.那人长得吧，怎么说呢。像素比较低！
14. That person’s appearance, well, how to put it… low resolution!
15.看着电视剧里的情怀，我忍不住哭了。
15. Watching the sentiments in TV dramas, I couldn’t help but cry.
16.当科学无法解释的时候，长相就会来决定一切。
16. When science cannot explain, looks become the deciding factor.
17.没有医保和寿险的，天黑后不要见义勇为。
17. If you don’t have medical or life insurance, don’t act bravely after dark.
18.隐身不是怕被打扰，而是给从未有人打扰一个借口。
18. Being invisible is not about avoiding disturbance, but providing an excuse for never being disturbed.
19.如果你做不了陈冠希，那你就好好学人家谢霆锋吧！
19. If you can’t be Edison Chen, then learn from Nicholas Tse!
20.听说你过的不好，我坐在门口乐了一整天。
20. Hearing that you’re not doing well, I sat at the doorstep and laughed all day long.
21.这种烈女型女流氓，真是世所罕见。
21. Such a fierce and unscrupulous woman is truly a rare sight in this world.
22.别人只会骂你王八蛋，而我会拿出证据证明你就是王八蛋！
22. Others will only call you a bastard, but I will present evidence to prove that you are indeed a bastard!
23.不能因为我俩有过节，你就把我当节过。
23. Just because we have had conflicts, you can’t treat me as if I were a festival to celebrate.
24.英语不及格代表我爱国，我是爱国者哦。
24. Failing English represents my patriotism; I am a patriot, you know.
25.本人已死，有事烧纸。小事招魂，大事挖坟。实在想我，下来。
25. I am already dead, so if you have any business, just burn some paper for me. For minor matters, call my soul; for major issues, dig up my grave. If you really miss me, come down.
26.所谓情话，就是你说了一些自己都不相信的话，却希望对方相信。
26. So-called sweet words are those you say, even though you don’t believe them yourself, but hope the other party will believe.
27.我要对我喜欢的女孩说，我对你的爱情就像对人民币一样忠诚。
27. I want to tell the girl I like that my love for her is as loyal as my love for the Renminbi.
28.混社会是个体力活儿，讲究四门功课：闪转腾挪。
28. Mixing in society is a physically demanding job, focusing on four skills: dodging, turning, leaping, and moving.
29.谁说天下乌鸦一般黑？其实一个更比一个黑！
29. Who says all crows are equally black? In fact, one is darker than the other!
30.你说你爱我，却要离开我，你说你是不是在放屁！
30. You say you love me, but you want to leave me; aren’t you just talking nonsense!
31.有钱人终成眷属，没钱人一生痛苦。
31. The rich will eventually find their partners, while the poor will suffer for their entire lives.
32.白天吃黑片打瞌睡，晚上吃白片睡不着。
32. Taking black pills during the day makes you drowsy, while taking white pills at night keeps you awake.
33.不管学习压力有多大，别忘了微笑着给自己一个剪刀手，因为那是最好的自己。
33. No matter how much pressure you face from studying, don’t forget to smile and give yourself a victory sign, because that’s the best version of yourself.
34.世界上最遥远的距离，就是星期一上午到星期五下午。
34. The longest distance in the world is from Monday morning to Friday afternoon.
35.我谈过最长的恋爱，就是自恋。
35. The longest relationship I’ve ever had is self-love.
36.男人没钱时恨女人俗气，有钱时恨不得女人都俗气。
36. When men have no money, they hate women for being vulgar; when they have money, they wish all women were vulgar.
37.我这人从不记仇，一般有仇当场我就报了。
37. I am not the type to hold grudges; usually, I take revenge on the spot.
38.男人膝下有黄金，我把整个腿都切下来了，连块铜也没找着！
38. There is gold beneath a man’s knees, but even after cutting off my whole leg, I couldn’t find a piece of copper!
39.你不是我脑袋里的交警，无权干预我的走向。
39. You are not the traffic cop in my mind, and you have no right to interfere with my direction.
40.即使你已名花有主，我也要移花接木。
40. Even if you are already taken, I will still try to win you over.
41.挣钱就像用针掘地，花钱就像水渗进土里。
41. Making money is like digging the ground with a needle, while spending money is like water seeping into the soil.
42.你知道人的勇气是怎么得来的？就是朋友互相吹捧得来的！
42. Do you know how people get courage? It comes from friends flattering each other!
43.中午在饭店叫了两个菜。吃第一个我震撼了“世界上还有比这更难吃的菜吗？”吃第二个我哭了“还真有啊”。
43. I ordered two dishes at a restaurant during lunch. After tasting the first one, I was shocked, “Is there any dish更难吃 than this in the world?” When I tasted the second one, I cried, “There actually is!”
44.当我看见闷骚的你，我于是低下头，不是我害，而是在找砖头。
44. When I see you being reserved, I lower my head, not because I’m shy, but because I’m looking for a brick.
45.我把情书卖了，只有两块钱，唉，这段情感真够贱的。
45. I sold my love letter for only two yuan. Alas, this emotion is really cheap.
46.男人可以风流但不能下流，女人可以风流但不能人流。
46. Men can be flirtatious but not vulgar, and women can be flirtatious but not promiscuous.
47.逃课太多，昨天想去上课，见到教授，教授惊讶地说，这么长时间不见，长这么大了。
47. I skipped class too much, and when I wanted to attend a lecture yesterday, the professor was surprised and said, “It’s been so long, you’ve grown up so much.”
48.我不是能让所以有的人都满意，因为我不是人民币，也因为不是所以有的人都是人。
48. I can’t satisfy everyone because I’m not the Chinese currency, and not everyone is human.
49.马在松软的土地上易失蹄，人在甜言蜜语中易摔跤。
49. Horses are prone to stumble on soft ground, and people are prone to fall in sweet words.
50.等哪天我长帅了，你们都给我去娶如花。
50. When I become handsome one day, you all better marry someone as beautiful as a flower for me.
51.有老公怎么的？有守门员球还进呢！
51. So what if you have a husband? There are still goals scored even with a goalkeeper!
52.上帝是无所不知的，我因为仅次于上帝，所以有所不知。
52. God knows everything, and since I am second only to God, there are some things I don’t know.
53.活着的时候开心点，因为我们要死很久。
53. Be happy while you’re alive because we will be dead for a long time.
54.天塌下来你先顶着，我去找根棍子。
54. If the sky falls, you take the hit first, and I’ll go find a stick.
55.不要宝马，只要一匹草泥马。
55. I don’t want a BMW, just a grass mud horse.
56.众里寻她千百度，蓦然回首，她居然依旧对我不屑一顾。
56. After searching for her for thousands of times, when I suddenly look back, she still treats me with disdain.
57.有情人终成房奴，有房人终成眷属。
57. Lovers eventually become mortgage slaves, and those with houses eventually become couples.
58.解释就是掩饰，掩饰就是不老实，不老实就是欠收拾。
58. Explanation is a cover-up, cover-up means being dishonest, and being dishonest means you need to be disciplined.
59.我是一根葱，站的路当中，哪个拿我蘸大酱，我骂他老祖宗。
59. I am like an onion, standing in the middle of the road; whoever dips me in soy sauce, I’ll curse their ancestors.
60.我就像一只趴在玻璃上的苍蝇，前途一片光明，而我却找不到出路！
60. I am like a fly stuck on a glass window; the future is bright, but I can’t find a way out!
61.被窝不能太暖和，不然舍不得起床；怀抱不能太舒服，不然舍不得离开。
61. The bed should not be too warm, otherwise, I would be reluctant to get up; the embrace should not be too comfortable, otherwise, I would be reluctant to leave.
62.你不喜欢我没关系，以后我让我儿子娶你女儿。
62. It’s okay if you don’t like me; in the future, I’ll have my son marry your daughter.
63.我不是草船，你的贱别往我这发。
63. I’m not a straw boat; don’t send your trash my way.
64.世界上最远的距离不是生与死，而是我隐身，你在线，你在线，我却隐身。
64. The farthest distance in the world is not between life and death, but when I’m invisible, you’re online, and you’re online, yet I’m invisible.
65.天长地久，根本没有。海枯石烂，纯属扯蛋！
65. Eternity doesn’t exist; everlasting love is just nonsense!
66.耶稣和释迦牟尼的最大区别是什么？他俩头发一个大卷一个小卷。
66. What’s the biggest difference between Jesus and Buddha? One has curly hair, and the other has straight hair.
67.长得丑怎么了，我自己又看不到，恶心的是你们。
67. So what if I’m ugly? I can’t see it myself; it’s you who get disgusted.
68.哎呀，骗子，牛肉方便面里面根本就没有牛肉。
68. Oh, liar! There’s no beef in the beef instant noodles.
69.唯女人与英语难过也，唯老婆与工作难找也！
69. Only women and English are hard to get along with; only wives and jobs are hard to find!
70.傻逼就像南方的农作物，一年三熟，都不带歇气儿的。
70. Fools are like crops in the south; they grow three times a year, without taking a break.
71.做与不做的最大区别是：后者拥有对前者的评论权。
71. The biggest difference between doing and not doing is that the latter has the right to comment on the former.
72.对我不好的女人，诅咒你被护舒宝吸干大姨妈。
72. For the women who treat me poorly, I curse you to be dried up by Whisper during your period.
73.长老！小女月经在身恐有行房不便！唐僧听罢双手合一道：阿弥陀佛，贫僧正为取经而来！
73. Elder! I’m menstruating and may not be convenient for intimate relations! Hearing this, Tang Seng clasps his hands and says, “Amitabha, I have come to obtain the scriptures!”
74.你都好意思说谎了，我哪好意思不信啊。
74. If you have the nerve to lie, how could I not have the nerve to believe you?
75.现实的社会，毁了我一个做好人的机会！
75. The real society has ruined my chance to be a good person!
76.如果上天再给我一次和你初逢的机会，我一定扭头就走。
76. If God gives me another chance to meet you for the first time, I would turn around and leave.
77.水壶啊，你为什么哭泣，是因为屁股太烫了吗？
77. Kettle, why are you crying? Is it because your bottom is too hot?
78.我这人虽脾气不好，但也不会去跟狗计较。
78. Although I have a bad temper, I won’t argue with a dog.
79.男人混得好，头发向后倒；女人混得好，衣服穿得少。
79. When men do well, their hair goes backward; when women do well, they wear less clothes.
80.别总拿自己饱经风霜的脸说事，美的不突出，丑的不别致。
80. Don’t always talk about your weather-beaten face; it’s neither particularly beautiful nor uniquely ugly.
81.下回给电视台提个意见，禁止在播放广告时插播电视剧。
81. Next time, I’ll suggest to the TV station to ban the practice of interrupting TV shows for commercials.
82.短暂的雨季挡不住阳光，反而酝酿了绚烂的彩虹。
82. The short rainy season cannot stop the sunshine, but instead, it brews a splendid rainbow.
83.我是没有锅，有锅早就把你给炖了！
83. If I had a pot, I would have stewed you a long time ago!
84.你的生活就像井字，横看竖看都是二。
84. Your life is like a tic-tac-toe board, looking at it horizontally or vertically, it’s all “two”.
85.不要惹姐，姐有秘密武器：一巴掌拍死你，两巴掌扇死你，三巴掌我灭了你。
85. Don’t mess with me, sis. I have a secret weapon: one slap to kill you, two slaps to fan you to death, and three slaps I’ll annihilate you.
86.老板，我买把钥匙，打开他心门的钥匙。
86. Boss, I want to buy a key, a key to open his heart.
87.将来我要做一个科学家，我要研究后悔药的制作。
87. In the future, I want to be a scientist and research the production of regret medicine.
88.知道你过得不好，我就安心了。
88. Knowing you’re not doing well makes me feel at ease.
89.这么不要脸，这么没心没肺，你的体重应该会很轻吧？
89. So shameless and heartless, you should be very light, right?
90.尝将冷眼观螃蟹，看你横行得几时。
90. I coldly observe the crab and see how long it can continue to walk sideways.
91.英雄本“色”，男儿本“色”，所以说不好色的男人，不是真男人。
91. A hero is “colorful”, a man is “colorful”, so a man who is not “colorful” is not a real man.
92.拿起你的魅力，收好你的帅气，从今以后你是我的。
92. Pick up your charm, put away your handsomeness, from now on, you are mine.
93.老鼠扛刀，满街找猫！
93. A rat carrying a knife, looking for cats everywhere!
94.前世五百次的回眸，却换来今世的一句流氓！
94. Five hundred glances in the past life, only to be called a hooligan in this life!
95.单身并不可怕，可怕的是那些千方百计想让你结束单身的人。
95. Being single is not terrible, what’s terrible are those who try every means to end your single life.
96.我就搞不懂了，一架飞机飞着飞着都能不见了，那么为什么作业本不见了，就没有老师信呢！
96. I just don’t get it, a plane can disappear while flying, so why when a homework book disappears, there’s no trust from the teacher?!
97.“保险”的意思是：保证你有危险，所以不能随便买保险。
97. The meaning of “insurance” is: ensuring you are in danger, so you can’t just buy insurance casually.
98.别拿人和畜生比，因为有些人如畜生！
98. Don’t compare people to animals, because some people are like animals!
99.修自己的路挖别人的路，让别人和我一起来修路。
99. Repair your own road by digging up others’ roads, let others join me in road repair.
100.当我们搬开他人架下的绊脚石时，笼统或许恰好是在为本人铺路。
100. When we remove the stumbling blocks set by others, we may be paving our own way.
1.尽管我数学不好，但我仍会在作业上写上我霸气潇洒的“解”。
1. Although I’m not good at math, I will still confidently write my “solution” on the homework.
2.我当年也是个痴情的种子，结果下了场雨……淹死了。
2. I used to be a lovestruck seed, but then it rained… and I drowned.
3.我们的目标：向钱看，向厚赚。
3. Our goal: Focus on money and make a fortune.
4.没有医保和寿险的，天黑后不要见义勇为……
4. If you don’t have medical or life insurance, don’t be brave after dark…
5.希望大家不要觉得自己一无是处，你们至少还可以让别人感觉很烦。
5. I hope everyone doesn’t feel useless, as you can at least annoy others.
6.数学是很有意思的，有意思到什么程度呢，自从学了数学，觉得连活着都没什么意思了。
6. Math is very interesting, to the point where, after learning math, I feel that even living is meaningless.
7.做我女朋友吧，我愿意为你做牛做马，只要你给我草就行了。
7. Be my girlfriend, and I’m willing to be your cow or horse, as long as you give me grass.
8.身在福中不知福，说的是有些人已经发福了，但自己却装作不知道一样。
8. Some people are in福气 (blessing) but don’t know it, pretending they’re not even fat.
9.谈恋爱应该处处让着男朋友，让他做饭，让他洗碗，让他洗衣服，让他赚钱。
9. In a relationship, one should always let the boyfriend do things, like cooking, washing dishes, doing laundry, and making money.
10.我丑话说在前头，你要是不当我男朋友，别怪我当你女朋友。
10. I’m saying this now: if you don’t become my boyfriend, don’t blame me for being your girlfriend.
11.如果一个男生的手机壁纸是你，所有的社交密码都告诉你，那么你就取了他的钱走吧。
11. If a guy’s phone wallpaper is you and he tells you all his social media passwords, then you can take his money and go.
12.日子会越来越好的，以后的男朋友也会越来越帅的。
12. Life will get better, and future boyfriends will be more handsome.
13.在家的时候，发烧还是会坚持上网，上学的时候，打个喷嚏都觉得是癌症晚期。
13. When at home, I still surf the internet even with a fever, but when at school, I think I have late-stage cancer just from sneezing.
14.你走了，我很痛苦，以后放的屁就只有我一个人闻了。
14. I’m in pain after you left, as I’ll be the only one smelling my own farts now.
15.路漫漫其修远兮，不如我们打的吧。
15. The road ahead is long and has a distant repair, so let’s take a taxi.
16.众里寻她千百度，蓦然回首，那人依旧对我不屑一顾。
16. I searched for her thousands of times, only to find that she still looks down on me when I turn around.
17.不怕偷儿带工具，就怕偷儿懂科技!
17. It’s not the thief with tools that scares me, but the thief who understands technology!
18.我自横刀向天笑，笑完我就去睡觉。
18. I’ll laugh with my sword facing the sky, and then I’ll go to sleep.
19.收银员说：没零钱了，找你两个塑料袋吧!
19. The cashier says: I don’t have any change, so here are two plastic bags for you!
20.我的优点是：我很帅;但是我的缺点是：我帅的不明显。
20. My advantage is that I’m handsome, but my disadvantage is that my handsomeness is not obvious.
21.什么是幸福?幸福就是猫吃鱼，狗吃肉，奥特曼打小怪兽!
21. What is happiness? Happiness is like a cat eating fish, a dog eating meat, and Ultraman fighting little monsters!
22.悄悄的我吃了，正如我悄悄地胖，我睡了个懒觉，却带来一片脂肪。
22. Quietly I ate, just as I quietly gained weight. I slept a lazy morning, but it brought a layer of fat.
23.这生活再特妈的蛋疼，也要揉着蛋过下去。
23. No matter how painful life is, we still have to endure it.
24.多少表面笑哈哈，心里默念草泥马。
24. Many people smile on the surface, but they curse in their hearts.
25.别扯淡神马毓婷，距离才是最好的避孕药。
25. Don’t talk nonsense about birth control pills like Yu Ting; distance is the best contraceptive.
26.大部分人一辈子只做三件事：自欺欺人被人欺。
26. Most people only do three things in their lives: deceive themselves, deceive others, and be deceived.
27.小时候我以为自己长大后可以拯救整个世界，等长大后才发现整个世界都拯救不了我。
27. When I was a child, I thought I could save the whole world when I grew up. But when I grew up, I realized that the whole world couldn’t save me.
28.诸葛亮出山前也没带过兵啊，你们凭啥要我有工作经验。
28. Zhuge Liang didn’t lead an army before he came out of the mountain; why do you expect me to have work experience?
29.用嘻哈的蓝调精神来过二胡一样的生活。
29. Live a life like a Chinese traditional fiddle (Erhu) with the spirit of hip-hop and blues.
30.你肺活量有多大啊，能把牛b吹的这么大!
30. How big is your lung capacity? You can blow such a huge bull!
31.我的人生有a 面也有b面，你的人生有s面也有b面。你以为现在就是人生的低谷了吗？其实你还有很大的下跌空间呢。
31. My life has an A side and a B side, and your life has an S side and a B side. Do you think you’ve reached the lowest point in life? In fact, you still have a lot of room to fall!
32.我一生气就想买东西，一买东西就得花钱，一花钱钱就少了，钱一少我就生气。
32. When I’m angry, I want to shop; when I shop, I have to spend money; when I spend money, there’s less of it, and I get angry.
33.我是胖人，不是粗人。
33. I’m fat, but I’m not rude.
34.如果太阳不出来了，我就不去上班了;如果出来了，我就继续睡觉。
34. If the sun doesn’t come out, I won’t go to work; if it does, I’ll keep sleeping.
35.我一般都吃干脆面，比方便面还方便的面！
35. I usually eat instant crispy noodles, which are more convenient than instant noodles!
36.感情是场骗局，我顶多算个卧底。
36. Love is a scam, and I’m just an undercover agent at most.
37.千万别混日子，小心日子把你给混了。
37. Never waste time; be careful that time doesn’t waste you.
38.待我长发及腰，分如二叉树梢，早起满冠枯草，睡前一头蓬毛，啊卧槽，欲以人样出门去，先来一斤发胶！
38. When my long hair reaches my waist, it will be like a binary tree branch, with a morning full of withered grass and a head of messy hair before sleep. Oh, damn it, if I want to go out looking human, I’ll need a pound of hair gel first!
39.不得不佩服女性朋友，这么冷的天，还穿超短裤。
39. I have to admire my female friends; they still wear short skirts even in such cold weather.
40.世界骗子太多，明显傻子不够用。
40. There are too many liars in the world, and obviously, there are not enough fools.
41.小时候我以为这个世界上只有两种人，那就是中国人和外国人。
41. When I was a child, I thought there were only two types of people in this world: Chinese people and foreigners.
42.人家有的是背景儿，我有的只是背影儿。
42. Some people have a background, while all I have is a silhouette.
43.西游记告诉我们：凡是有后台的妖怪都被接走了，凡是没后台的都被一棒子打死了。
43. Journey to the West tells us: demons with connections were taken away, while those without were killed with a single blow.
44.你有什么不开心的事?说出来让大家开心一下。
44. What’s the matter? Tell us your troubles so we can all have a good laugh.
45.一觉醒来，天都黑了。
45. I woke up and it was already dark outside.
46.你要搞清楚自己人生的剧本——不是你父母的续集，不是你子女的前传，更不是你朋友的外篇。
46. You need to understand the script of your own life – it’s not a sequel to your parents’ lives, a prequel to your children’s, or a spin-off of your friends’ stories.
47.不愿做奴隶的人民，愿做人民币的奴隶。
47. The people who refuse to be slaves are willing to be slaves to money.
48.鸵鸟的幸福，只是一堆沙子。
48. The happiness of an ostrich is just a pile of sand.
49.如果你觉得喜欢的人也喜欢你，那只能说明，你想象力很丰富。
49. If you think the person you like also likes you, it only means that your imagination is very rich.
50.不回我消息你就是个臭猪猪，我不回你消息很正常，你见哪个仙女不忙的。
50. If you don’t reply to my message, you’re a stinky piggy. It’s normal if I don’t reply to yours; have you seen any fairy who’s not busy?
51.虽然你没有猪的形象，但是，你有猪的气质!
51. Although you don’t have the appearance of a pig, you do have the temperament of one!
52.生活二字几十年来回味得我大小脑抽搐，脊髓痉挛。始终不得要领。
52. The word “life” has left me with spasms in my cerebrum, cerebellum, and spinal cord for decades, and I still don’t understand its essence.
53.虽然你身上喷了古龙水，但我还是能隐约闻到一股人渣味儿。
53. Even though you’re wearing cologne, I can still faintly smell the scent of a scumbag.
54.别把虾米不当海鲜。
54. Don’t underestimate shrimp; they are seafood too.
55.麻烦你扬州炒饭一份，多点葱花，少少盐，打包带走。
55. Could you please make me a Yangzhou fried rice with extra green onions, less salt, and for takeout?
56.令堂可是令尊表姐?
56. Is your mother your father’s cousin?
57.年轻的时候，我们常常冲着镜子做鬼脸;年老的时候，镜子算是扯平了。
57. When we were young, we often made faces at the mirror; when we’re old, the mirror makes faces back at us.
58.人生没有彩排，每天都是直播，不仅收视率低，而且工资不高。
58. Life has no rehearsals; every day is a live broadcast, with not only low ratings but also low wages.
59.谁说天下乌鸦一般黑?其实是，一个更比一个黑!
59. Who says all crows are the same color black? In fact, one is darker than the other!
60.好想关心你，可你老不生病。好想为你哭一次，可你怎么还不死？
60. I really want to care about you, but you never get sick. I want to cry for you, but why haven’t you died yet?
61.曾经和朋友一起仰望星空，随之我们泪流满面，他是因为失恋，我则是因为扭伤了脖子。
61. I once gazed at the starry sky with a friend, and we both shed tears. He was crying because of a breakup, while I was due to a neck sprain.
62.你妈生你的时候是不是把人给扔了把胎盘养大?
62. Did your mom throw the baby away and raise the placenta when she gave birth to you?
63.现在有点讨厌自己了，尽管我再怎么努力，也只是别人眼中的美女。
63. I’m starting to hate myself now. No matter how hard I try, I’m just a beautiful woman in the eyes of others.
64.是不是姐这么光芒四射，才晃得你胡说八道？
64. Is it because I shine so brightly that it’s dazzling you and causing you to talk nonsense?
65.神州行，我看行！我不交费，看你还行不行？
65. China Mobile works for me! I won’t pay the bill, let’s see if you can still function.
66.谎言和誓言的区别在于，一个是听的人当真了，一个是说的人当真了。
66. The difference between a lie and a vow is that one is taken seriously by the listener, while the other is taken seriously by the speaker.
67.慷慨不该给慷慨的人，吝啬了不该吝啬的人。
67. Generosity should not be given to generous people, and stinginess should not be shown to those who should not be stingy.
68.眼睛蛇和大象约会，寒暄一番后说：“来就来吧，还牵这么大头猪，客气了。”
68. After exchanging pleasantries with the elephant, the cobra said, “You came with such a big pig, you’re too polite.”
69.我们不是情侣，我们只是爱情的搬运工。
69. We’re not lovers, we’re just the porters of love.
70.妈妈告诉我：你老公要是欺负你，就让你祖爷爷把他带走。
70. My mom told me: If your husband bullies you, let your great-grandfather take him away.
71.要不是为挣钱，脸要来做什么。
71. If it weren’t for making money, what would be the use of a face?
72.我看你面色发青，瞳孔放大，上半身癫痫，下半身中风，要不，我帮你先预定个位子？
72. I see you have a pale face, dilated pupils, epilepsy in the upper body, and stroke in the lower body. Shall I reserve a spot for you in advance?
73.要不是上学说过不能乱扔垃圾，不然我早就把你仍出去了。
73. If it weren’t for the rule of not littering at school, I would have thrown you out long ago.
74.我们不需要把生活弄得那么复杂，因为它本身就已经很复杂了。
74. We don’t need to make life so complicated, as it’s already complicated enough.
75.每天晚上失眠，如果哪天晚上我睡着了肯定不正常了，要不就是断气了。
75. I suffer from insomnia every night. If I ever fall asleep, it must be abnormal, or maybe I’ve stopped breathing.
76.天呀！我又捡到了一分钱，存起来留着买房。
76. Oh my god! I found a penny again. I’ll save it for buying a house.
77.都说女人是善变，事实证明，男人才是变色龙。
77. It’s said that women are fickle, but the truth is, men are the real chameleons.
78.眼睁睁地看着八卦发生，不八一八，岂不是太二了！
78. Watching gossip happen right before my eyes, if I don’t gossip too, wouldn’t that be too silly?
79.只是因为在人群中多看了你一眼，后来便瞎了眼。
79. Just because I looked at you one extra time in the crowd, I went blind afterward.
80.网上岁月如飞刀，刀刀无情催人老。保重身体最重要，上网不要熬通宵。
80. Online years fly by like a sharp knife, mercilessly making people old. Take care of your health first and foremost, and don’t stay up all night on the internet.
81.再回首，那人已是孩子他爸。
81. Looking back, that person has already become a father.
82.成人是过期的儿童，老人是失效的成人。
82. Adults are expired children, and the elderly are ineffective adults.
83.再牛b的肖邦，也弹不出老子的悲伤！
83. Even the most outstanding Chopin cannot play out my sadness!
84.做男人的最高境界不是你去泡妞，而是让妞来泡你。
84. The highest state of being a man is not to chase girls, but to let them chase you.
85.打算理发了，甩刘海甩锝我脖子都崴了。
85. I’m planning to get a haircut; my bangs have been flung so much that my neck is sore.
86.汗！刚剪一短发，进班全班人看我，我啥时得到过这种注视啊。
86. Sweat! I just got a short haircut, and when I entered the classroom, everyone stared at me. I’ve never received this kind of attention before.
87.不要说你不认识我，刚好我也不认识你，真才是缘分呢！
87. Don’t say you don’t know me, because I don’t know you either. What a coincidence!
88.万水千山总是情，多给一分行不行。
88. Mountains and rivers are always filled with emotions; can’t you give me one more point?
89.天气冷得穿短袖都觉得热。
89. It’s so cold that even wearing short sleeves feels hot.
90.执子之手，将子拖走。子若不走，拍晕了继续拖走。
90. Holding your hand, I’ll drag you away. If you still refuse to go, I’ll knock you out and continue dragging you.
91.我要胖成一片海，淹死所有炫耀的死瘦子。
91. I want to become so fat that I’ll drown all the skinny show-offs.
92.中学时有贼心没贼胆，大学时有贼胆没贼心，那会贼心贼胆都有了，但贼没有了。
92. In middle school, I had the heart but not the courage; in college, I had the courage but not the heart. Now that I have both, the thief is gone.
93.没什么事不要找我，有事更不用找我！
93. Don’t contact me for no reason, and don’t contact me even if you have a reason!
94.低调！才是最牛B的炫耀。
94. Staying low-key is the most outstanding way to show off.
95.为什么想减肥的我却胖了，我的钱包想增肥它却瘦了。
95. Why did I gain weight when I wanted to lose it, and why did my wallet lose weight when I wanted it to gain?
96.自从会玩QQ后，我发现我拼音越来越好了，读书都没这效果。
96. Ever since I started using QQ, I’ve found that my Pinyin skills have improved, even better than the effect of studying.
97.我哭着来到这个世界上，就打算哭着回去！
97. I came to this world crying, and I plan to leave crying too!
98.诸葛亮出山前也没带过兵啊，你们凭哈要我有工作经验！
98. Zhuge Liang didn’t have any military experience before he came out of the mountains; why do you demand work experience from me?
99.生命不在乎长短，但求活的灿烂，吃光用光，身体健康！
99. Life is not about its length, but about living it brightly, spending everything, and staying healthy!
100.就算再冷，别人裹成粽子，咱也要打扮成甜筒！
100. No matter how cold it is, while others bundle up like dumplings, I’ll dress up like an ice cream cone!
1.哥们儿，麻烦让一下，你挡着我的手机信号了。
1. Buddy, could you please move? You’re blocking my cell phone signal.
2.你问雄癞蛤蟆什么最美，他的回答一定是雌癞蛤蟆。不用怀疑他的欣赏水平，只是所处的环境不同。
2. If you ask a male toad what’s the most beautiful, his answer will definitely be a female toad. Don’t doubt his taste; it’s just because of the different environment he’s in.
3.猪都笑了，为什么你还是个苦瓜脸。
3. Even pigs are laughing, why are you still looking so miserable?
4.打是亲，骂是爱，打打骂骂谈恋爱。
4. Hitting is a form of intimacy, scolding is a form of love; through hitting and scolding, we fall in love.
5.我太纯洁了，我纯洁的都有些无耻了！
5. I’m so innocent that my innocence is somewhat shameless!
6.我就爱情矫情的女孩，语言同样儿同样儿的，就与唱戏似的。
6. I love girls who are sentimental in love, with words as gentle and melodious as singing in a play.
7.当你出生的那一瞬间，你注定还是要回去得！
7. The moment you were born, you were destined to return!
8.别跟我谈感情，多伤钱啊！
8. Don’t talk to me about emotions; it’s such a waste of money!
9.奥特曼是世界上最有钱的人，因为自动取款机上写ATM。
9. Ultraman is the richest person in the world because ATM machines have “ATM” written on them.
10.为什么还要要求手机像素高，还嫌你丑的不够清晰吗？
10. Why do you still demand high-resolution phone cameras? Are you not satisfied with how clearly your ugliness is displayed?
11.美人鱼我爱你，只有你才不会劈腿！
11. I love you, mermaid, because only you won’t cheat on me!
12.前女友就好象是亲生的，后女友就像是领养的。
12. An ex-girlfriend is like a biological child, while a subsequent girlfriend feels like an adopted one.
13.不怕讨债的是英雄，就怕欠债的是真穷。
13. It’s not the hero who’s not afraid of debt collectors that’s amazing, but the debtor who’s genuinely poor.
14.礼尚往来的近义词应该是以牙还牙。
14. The synonym for “礼尚往来” should probably be “tit for tat.”
15.抽，是一种生活艺术；找抽，是一种生活态度。
15. Smoking is an art of living; seeking a beating is an attitude of life.
16.那一刻，你就站在我面前。我多么想对你说一句：吃俺老孙一棒！
16. At that moment, you stood right in front of me. How I wanted to say to you: “Take a hit from my old monkey’s staff!”
17.只有不伤手的立白，没有不分手的恋爱。
17. There’s only harmless laundry detergent like Liby, but there’s no such thing as a relationship that doesn’t break up.
18.你活着浪费空气，死了浪费土地，半死不活浪费人民币。
18. You’re a waste of air when you’re alive, a waste of land when you’re dead, and a waste of money when you’re half-dead and half-alive.
19.人生有时就像电脑，说死机就死机，没得商量。
19. Sometimes life is like a computer; it crashes without any negotiation.
20.昨天去市里参加放鸽子比赛，结果就我一个人去了。
20. Yesterday, I went to the city to participate in a pigeon-flying contest, but I was the only one who showed up.
21.开心了就笑，不开心了就过会儿再笑。
21. Laugh when you’re happy, and laugh later when you’re not.
22.人贱一辈子，猪贱一刀子。
22. A despicable person lasts a lifetime, while a despicable pig lasts only one knife.
23.那后面那个男生和那个女生，你们两个弄过切弄过来在搞个啥？
23. Hey, the guy and the girl in the back, what are you two doing there?
24.先学会不生气，再学会气死人。
24. First learn not to get angry, then learn to drive others mad.
25.伯母，这个月借用你的女儿。明年还你一大一小。
25. Aunt, I’m borrowing your daughter this month. I’ll return one grown-up and one younger next year.
26.这么不要脸，这么没心没肺，你的体重应该会很轻吧。
26. So shameless and heartless, you must be very light, right?
27.小样，长得挺暧昧的，就是身材有点颓废。
27. You look quite ambiguous, but your body is a bit decadent.
28.踏遍青楼人未老，请用汇仁肾宝。
28. Having money as your companion, there’s no need to envy mandarin ducks or immortals.
29.想做二奶并不是你的错，可来大学念书就是你的不对了！
29. Wanting to be a mistress is not your fault, but coming to college is your mistake!
30.笑里藏刀不可怕，可怕的是暗贱难防。
30. A hidden knife in a smile is not可怕, but a secret villain is hard to guard against.
31.拽，也要有资本，否则，那副拽的摸样，叫欠揍。
31. To act arrogant, you must have the capital; otherwise, that arrogant look is just asking for a beating.
32.拿你当人的时候，你尽量走人道好吗。
32. When I treat you like a human being, please try to act like one, okay?
33.若得钱相伴，不羡鸳鸯不羡仙。
33. If money is with me, I don’t envy ducks or immortals.
34.我要改善生活，我不吃挂面，我要吃方便面。
34. I want to improve my life; I won’t eat noodles, I’ll eat instant noodles.
35.请允许我尘埃落定，用沉默埋葬了过去。
35. Allow me to settle down, and bury the past in silence.
36.我长话短说：这事情，说来话长了。
36. I’ll make it short: this matter has a long story.
37.英雄不问出路，流氓不看岁数！
37. Heroes don’t ask their origins, but hooligans don’t care about their age!
38.胖子就别钻牛角尖了，钻不进的。
38. Fat people shouldn’t try to get into tight spots; they won’t fit.
39.今天逛完超市后收银员说：没零钱了，找你两个塑料袋吧。
39. After shopping today, the cashier said: I don’t have any change, so here are two plastic bags instead.
40.我真是个牛人，要找个人来崇拜的时候，我就去照镜子。
40. I’m such a great person; when I need to find someone to admire, I just look in the mirror.
41.当我们相信自己对这个世界已经相当重要的时候，其实这个世界才刚刚准备原谅我们的幼稚。
41. When we believe that we are already quite important to this world, in fact, the world is just about to forgive our naivety.
42.帅哥，可远观而不可亵玩焉，美女，可进观而不可走远也。
42. Handsome guys can be admired from afar but not to be toyed with; beautiful women can be approached but not to stray away.
43.见过丑的，没见过这么丑的。乍一看挺丑，仔细一看更丑！
43. I’ve seen ugly people, but I’ve never seen someone this ugly. At first glance, they’re quite ugly; upon closer inspection, they’re even uglier!
44.于小事得道，于小人成佛。
44. Achieve enlightenment through trivial matters, and become a Buddha through dealing with petty people.
45.现在的广告真的是坑娘啊，我妈喝伊利就能变成我姐。
45. Modern advertisements are really deceiving! If my mom drinks Yili milk, she could become my sister.
46.不是我不会读书，而是书不让我读懂。
46. It’s not that I can’t read books; it’s that the books don’t let me understand them.
47.低调！才是最牛B的炫耀！
47. Keep a low profile! That’s the most impressive way to show off!
48.不要迷恋姐，姐卸了妆要你吐血。
48. Don’t be infatuated with me, for when I take off my makeup, it’ll make you bleed.
49.嘴在逞强，心在投降没那么坚强，其实我们都在装。
49. The mouth is trying to be strong, but the heart is surrendering; we’re not as strong as we pretend to be.
50.小学老师的经典语录：我一巴掌把你踢出去！
50. A classic quote from elementary school teachers: I’ll slap you so hard that I’ll kick you out!
51.过完了今天，就不要再见面，我害怕每天醒来揍你好几遍。
51. After today, let’s not meet again, for I fear that I’ll want to beat you up several times every morning.
52.你要是嫁人，不要嫁给别人，也不要嫁给我。
52. If you’re going to get married, don’t marry someone else, and don’t marry me either.
53.不必担心没走过的路该怎么走，只要你永远走在自己前面。
53. Don’t worry about how to walk on untraveled paths; just make sure you’re always walking ahead of yourself.
54.爱我的人我不爱，不爱我的人往死里踹。
54. I don’t love those who love me, but I’ll kick to death those who don’t love me.
55.再嚣张的流氓，也会害怕家里内只红太狼。
55. Even the most arrogant hooligans will be afraid of the red-haired wife at home.
56.一称体重，我就很不开心，我不开心的时候就想吃东西。
56. Whenever I weigh myself and see the number, I become very upset. When I’m upset, I want to eat.
57.作业还没写完，我摊上事儿了，我摊上大事儿了！
57. I’m in trouble because my homework isn’t finished; I’m in big trouble!
58.我胖的唯一原因，是太小的身体容纳不了我饱满的性格。
58. The only reason I’m fat is that my small body can’t contain my full character.
59.你说吧，你是想死呢还是不想活了？
59. Tell me, do you want to die or just not live anymore?
60.理想很丰满，现实很骨感。
60. Ideals are plump, but reality is skinny.
61.别扯的那么遥远，我还不确定你能活到那一天！
61. Don’t talk about something so far away; I’m not even sure if you’ll live to see that day!
62.你让我忘记了时间在流转，我总觉得你在我身边。
62. You make me forget that time is passing by; I always feel like you’re by my side.
63.要不是老师说不能乱扔垃圾，不然俄早把你扔出去。
63. If it weren’t for the teacher saying not to litter, I would have thrown you out long ago.
64.买好房不如买块好墓地，那里才是你最终的的归宿。
64. Buying a good house is not as good as buying a good grave; that’s where you’ll end up eventually.
65.你走太快，我连滚带爬都追不上。
65. You walk too fast; I can’t even catch up, rolling and crawling.
66.我的心丢在哪里，谁能帮我找到。
66. Where did I lose my heart? Who can help me find it?
67.现在才发现，童年的裸奔是那么的豪放。
67. I only now realize how bold and unrestrained childhood nudity was.
68.世界是我们的，也是儿子们的，但最终是那帮孙子的。
68. The world belongs to us and our sons, but ultimately, it will belong to those little rascals.
69.快乐是发现汽车雨刷夹的是一张广告，而不是罚单。
69. Happiness is discovering that the car’s windshield wipers are holding an advertisement, not a ticket.
70.我不在年轻，就在变老；不在变老，就在变老的路上。
70. I’m either not young anymore, getting old, or on my way to getting old.
71.你也学学人家腾讯，一上线就叫我亲爱的。
71. You should learn from Tencent; as soon as I log in, they call me dear.
72.肖邦，你若弹出我的悲伤，我就给你一块钱。
72. Chopin, if you can play my sadness, I’ll give you a dollar.
73.哥如果挂了，请给哥烧个姐。
73. If I die, please burn a sister for me.
74.我学会了喝酒，是想把寂寞和悲伤给淹没，没想到，他们他妈学会了游泳。
74. I learned to drink alcohol to drown my loneliness and sorrow, but I didn’t expect that they learned how to swim.
75.我把电视遥控器别在腰上，作出一副买了新手机的样子。
75. I clip the TV remote control to my waist, pretending I bought a new mobile phone.
76.有一种爱叫做放你的手，牵别人的手。
76. There’s a kind of love called letting go of your hand and holding someone else’s.
77.多希望可以屏蔽腾讯消息，至少不会让我空欢喜。
77. I wish I could block Tencent messages; at least it wouldn’t make me feel empty joy.
78.精力失常的疯子不可骇，可骇的是精力正常的疯子。
78. A mentally deranged madman is not可怕, but a mentally normal madman is truly terrifying.
79.女人不拽，容易被甩，男人不能惯，越惯越混蛋。
79. If a woman doesn’t act assertively, she’s easily dumped; if a man is spoiled, he becomes more of a jerk.
80.等以后中国发达了，让老外来翻译文言文。
80. When China becomes developed in the future, let foreigners come to translate classical Chinese.
81.我是一个传统的人，所以我支持男人有三妻四妾。
81. I am a traditional person, so I support the idea of men having multiple wives and concubines.
82.说出去的话，从不解释，要翻译，找度娘，准没错。
82. Once I say something, I never explain it. For translation, just search on Baidu, it’s definitely right.
83.这个鬼天气，我选择吃根雪糕自杀！
83. This lousy weather, I’d rather eat an ice cream to commit suicide!
84.书到用时方恨少，钱到月底不够花。
84. When it’s time to use the books, we regret not having read more; when it’s the end of the month, money is never enough to spend.
85.年年打工年年愁，天天加班像只猴，加班加点无报酬，天天挨骂无理由。
85. Year after year, working with sorrow, working overtime every day like a monkey, no rewards for extra work, scolded every day without reason.
86.老板，来碗大肉面不要大肉。
86. Boss, a bowl of braised pork noodles without the pork, please.
87.现在悬崖边，总有一些逗比想把你踹下去。
87. Now on the edge of the cliff, there are always some fools who want to kick you down.
88.当我们搬开别人架下的绊脚石时，也许恰恰是在为自己铺路。
88. When we remove the obstacles set by others, we might be paving the way for ourselves.
89.如果有钱也是一种错，那我情愿一错再错。
89. If being rich is a mistake, then I’d rather make the same mistake over and over again.
90.钱这个东西，不花它就是纸，花了就叫钱，把它烧了那叫纸钱。
90. Money, if not spent, is just paper; once spent, it’s called money; if burned, it’s called joss paper.
91.我从来都没被人骗过，因为骗我的都不是人。
91. I have never been deceived by anyone, because those who deceived me are not human beings.
92.一不高兴就想吃东西，一吃东西就发胖，一发胖就不高兴……
92. When I’m unhappy, I want to eat; when I eat, I gain weight; when I gain weight, I become unhappy…
93.看见他们的结婚照，我真想把它PS成黑白的挂墙上。
93. Seeing their wedding photos, I really want to Photoshop them into black and white and hang them on the wall.
94.总有一天，世界会改变，不如我们现在逃吧。
94. One day, the world will change; better escape now.
95.别看我长得秀气，其实我是个文盲。
95. Don’t look at my delicate appearance; in fact, I am an illiterate.
96.与狼共舞的羊们，别忘了自己的身份。
96. Sheep dancing with wolves, don’t forget your own identity.
97.人生就像斗地主，刚还是一伙的，一转眼就是敌人。
97. Life is like playing Landlord, just now we were on the same side, and in a blink of an eye, we become enemies.
98.不要迷恋哥，哥只是低调中带点犀利的宅男！
98. Don’t be infatuated with me, I’m just a low-key and slightly sharp宅男 (homebody)!
99.其实，我有一个角度看上去很帅，只不过你们没有找到罢了。
99. In fact, I have an angle where I look handsome, but you just haven’t found it yet.
100.有时候，人要是臭美起来，连城墙都会汗颜。
100. Sometimes, when people become vain, even the city walls will be ashamed.
1.你来，我信你不会走;你走，我当你没来过。
1. You come, I trust you won’t leave; you leave, I’ll pretend you never came.
2.荒凉世道人心乱，在我面前少扯淡。
2. In this desolate world and chaotic human hearts, don’t talk nonsense in front of me.
3.迷茫总是一时的，选择的道路一直走下去，才是一世的。
3. Confusion is always temporary; choosing a path and walking on it is a lifelong commitment.
4.人生如路，得从最荒凉的旅途中走出最繁华的风景来。
4. Life is like a road; we must create the most prosperous scenery from the most desolate journey.
5.同桌我真羡慕你有我这么好的一个同桌，这真是前辈子修的福啊。
5. I’m really envious of my deskmate for having such a great deskmate like me; it must be a blessing from a previous life.
6.你问我喜欢你哪一点，我说我喜欢你离我远一点。
6. You ask me which part of you I like, and I say I like you to stay away from me.
7.我正努力不再拖延、保留或珍藏那些能给我们生活带来欢笑和光彩的东西。
7. I’m trying hard not to procrastinate, hold back, or treasure those things that bring laughter and brilliance to our lives.
8.你以为现在就是人生的低谷了吗？其实你还有很大的下跌空间呢。
8. You think this is the lowest point in your life? Actually, you still have a lot of room to fall.
9.现在有点讨厌自己了，尽管我再怎么努力，也只是别人眼中的美女。
9. I’m starting to hate myself now; no matter how hard I try, I’m just a beautiful woman in other people’s eyes.
10.女生说冷就直接抱上去吧，没个准你就有女朋友了。
10. If a girl says she’s cold, just hug her; you might end up with a girlfriend.
11.希望大家不要觉得自己一无是处，你们至少还可以让别人感觉很烦。
11. I hope everyone doesn’t feel useless, as you can at least annoy others.
12.数学是很有意思的，有意思到什么程度呢，自从学了数学，觉得连活着都没什么意思了。
12. Mathematics is very interesting; to the extent that, after learning mathematics, I feel that even living is meaningless.
13.做我女朋友吧，我愿意为你做牛做马，只要你给我草就行了。
13. Be my girlfriend, and I’m willing to be your cow and horse, as long as you give me grass.
14.我一生气就想买东西，一买东西就得花钱，一花钱钱就少了，钱一少我就生气。
14. When I’m angry, I want to shop; when I shop, I have to spend money; when I spend money, my money decreases; when my money decreases, I get angry.
15.“怎么优雅的解释自己胖”“有许多事情放在心里，不好瘦”。
15. “How to elegantly explain being fat” “I have many things in my heart, so it’s hard to be thin.”
16.尽管我数学不好，但我仍会在作业上写上我霸气潇洒的“解”。
16. Although I’m not good at math, I still write my domineering and elegant “solution” on my homework.
17.iPhoneX太难买了，试了好多次，到付款的时候总显示余额不足，有遇到相同问题的吗。
17. The iPhone X is so hard to buy; I’ve tried many times, but it always shows insufficient balance when it comes to payment. Has anyone encountered the same problem?
18.我丑话说在前头，你要是不当我男朋友，别怪我当你女朋友。
18. I’ll say it now, if you don’t become my boyfriend, don’t blame me for being your girlfriend.
19.如果一个男生的手机壁纸是你，所有的社交密码都告诉你，那么你就取了他的钱走吧。
19. If a guy’s phone wallpaper is you and he tells you all his social passwords, then you can just take his money and go.
20.日子会越来越好的，以后的男朋友也会越来越帅的。
20. Days will get better, and future boyfriends will be more and more handsome.
21.在家的时候，发烧还是会坚持上网，上学的时候，打个喷嚏都觉得是癌症晚期。
21. When at home, I still insist on surfing the internet even when I have a fever, but when I’m at school, I feel like I have late-stage cancer just from sneezing.
22.你走了，我很痛苦，以后放的屁就只有我一个人闻了。
22. When you leave, I’m in pain because I’ll be the only one smelling my own farts.
23.我们总是开导着别人，却永远也决绝不了自己的烦恼。
23. We always advise others, but we can never resolve our own troubles.
24.小人尚未努力，革命仍须成功。
24. The little person hasn’t worked hard yet, and the revolution still needs to succeed.
25.有的时候，真的想要得一场病，好让人关心我一下。
25. Sometimes, I really want to get sick so that people will care about me.
26.不要拿我爱你当成是伤害我的借口，不要忘了我也可以随时离开。
26. Don’t use “I love you” as an excuse to hurt me, and don’t forget that I can leave at any time.
27.别怪姐们不是人，只怪你Tm的不是人。
27. Don’t blame the sisters for being inhuman; blame you for not being human.
28.脑袋里装的东西越少，脑袋上的花样就越多。
28. The less you have in your head, the more花样 (ornaments) you have on your head.
29.来自网吧的温馨提示：由于本网吧速度过快，请系好安全带。
29. A warm reminder from the internet café: Due to the fast speed of our café, please fasten your seatbelt.
30.分手后，我还是会想你，在每年的清明节。
30. After breaking up, I will still think of you on every Qingming Festival.
31.十一前有个网吧充值活动，充100返200，我们学校男的基本全充了，充钱那几天人多的啊，十一回来尼玛网吧没了，一个火锅店正在那装修了，那个月学校的馒头卖疯了。
31. Before the 11th (National Day), there was a recharge activity at an internet café: 100 yuan for 200 yuan back. Almost all the guys from our school participated. There were so many people during the recharge days. When we came back after the 11th, the internet café was gone, and a hot pot restaurant was being renovated there. That month, the buns in our school sold like crazy.
32.趁活着的时候，赶快去见你相见的人，因为死了就没机会了。
32. While you’re still alive, hurry up and meet the people you want to see, because you won’t have the chance after you’re dead.
33.过去：一流学生出国，二流学生考研，三流学生就业;现在：一流学生就业，二流学生出国，三流学生考研。
33. In the past: first-class students studied abroad, second-class students took the postgraduate entrance exam, and third-class students sought employment; Now: first-class students seek employment, second-class students study abroad, and third-class students take the postgraduate entrance exam.
34.在街上看美女，目光高一点就是欣赏，目光低一点就是流氓。
34. When looking at beautiful women on the street, if your gaze is higher, it’s appreciation; if it’s lower, it’s being a hooligan.
35.我们产生一点小分歧：她希望我把粪土变黄金，我希望她视黄金如粪土!
35. We have a slight disagreement: she wants me to turn dirt into gold, and I want her to treat gold like dirt.
36.如果这个冬天你再控制不住嘴，也不减肥，你将有个很特别洋气的英文名——肥德•圆不隆冬。
36. If you can’t control your mouth this winter and don’t lose weight, you’ll have a very special and chic English name - Fatde • Round Winter.
37.为什么还要要求手机像素高，还嫌你丑的不够清晰吗？
37. Why do you still demand high pixel phones? Do you think you’re not ugly enough to be clear?
38.背对太阳，阴影一片;迎着太阳，霞光万丈。
38. Facing away from the sun, there’s a shadow; facing the sun, there’s a radiant glow.
39.爱情如电池一样，总有没电的时候!
39. Love is like a battery, it always runs out of power sometimes!
40.当大部分人都在关注你飞的高不高时，只有少部分人关心你飞的累不累，这就是友情。
40. When most people focus on how high you fly, only a few care if you’re tired from flying, and that’s what friendship is.
41.年轻的时候，我们常常冲着镜子做鬼脸;年老的时候，镜子算是扯平了。
41. When we are young, we often make faces at the mirror; when we are old, the mirror gets its revenge.
42.人生最困难的三件事：保守秘密，忘掉所受的创伤，充分利用余暇。
42. The three most difficult things in life: keeping secrets, forgetting the traumas we’ve experienced, and making full use of our leisure time.
43.我是天使，回不去天堂是因为体重的原因。
43. I am an angel, and I cannot return to heaven because of my weight.
44.我的视力很差，比如说，看见那边墙上那颗图钉没有?你看得见吧，而我就看不见。
44. My eyesight is very poor. For example, do you see that thumbtack on the wall over there? You can see it, but I cannot.
45.人，最不能忘记的，是在你困难时拉你一把的人;最不能结交的，是在你失败时藐视你的人;最不能相信的，是在你成功时吹捧你的人;最不能抛弃的，是和你同创业共患难的人;最不能爱的，是不看重你人格的人。
45. The people we must never forget are those who helped us in our time of need; the people we must never befriend are those who despise us in our failures; the people we must never trust are those who flatter us in our success; the people we must never abandon are those who have started businesses and faced hardships with us; and the people we must never love are those who do not value our dignity.
46.维纳斯在乐观主义者眼里是美丽的，在悲观主义者眼里是残疾的，在现实主义者眼里是美丽且残疾的。
46. Venus appears beautiful to the optimist, disabled to the pessimist, and both beautiful and disabled to the realist.
47.世界上最痛苦的事莫过于当你喝下一瓶敌敌畏后发现瓶盖上写着”再来一瓶”
47. The most painful thing in the world is when you drink a bottle of pesticide and find “One more bottle free” written on the cap.
48.高职不如高薪，高薪不如高寿，高寿不如高兴。
48. A high position is not as good as a high salary, a high salary is not as good as a long life, and a long life is not as good as happiness.
49.纪委领导进电梯，一美女酥胸紧贴其背。领导心痒，很享受短暂的美妙。上车发现屁兜钱包丢了。顿悟：他娘的，搞了多年纪检，我就知道作风问题的背后一定有经济问题!
49. The discipline committee leader enters the elevator, and a beautiful woman’s breasts are pressed against his back. The leader feels itchy and enjoys the brief moment of pleasure. When he gets in the car, he finds that his wallet is missing from his back pocket. He realizes: Damn it, after years of working in discipline inspection, I knew that behind the style issues, there must be economic problems!
50.你是一杯水，很好很好。尽管口径小了些，但有深度。切莫将它倒入盘子，涉猎面看似广阔了许多，但深度没有了，也就肤浅了。
50. You are a cup of water, very good. Although the caliber is a bit small, it has depth. Do not pour it into a plate; it may seem to have a broader range, but it loses its depth and becomes superficial.
51.十年生死两茫茫，不思量，自难忘，千里孤魂，无处话凄凉。
51. Ten years of life and death, two vast and distant, without thinking, still unforgettable, a lonely soul a thousand miles away, with nowhere to express its desolation.
52.灵魂的性感，才是骨子里的真正的性感。
52. The sexiness of the soul is the true sexiness in the bones.
53.在事实面前，我们的想象力越发达，后果就越不堪设想。
53. In the face of facts, the more developed our imagination is, the more terrible the consequences will be.
54.我用一麻袋的钱上大学，换了一麻袋书;毕业了，用这些书换钱，却买不起一个麻袋!
54. I spent a bag of money on college and got a bag of books in return; after graduation, I used these books to exchange for money, but I couldn’t even buy a bag!
55.勇于认错，坚决不改。
55. Be brave to admit mistakes, but never change.
56.业障深重的人，一天到晚都在看别人的过失与缺点，真正修行的人，从不会去看别人的过失与缺点。
56. People with heavy karmic obstacles are always looking at the faults and shortcomings of others, while true practitioners never look at the faults and shortcomings of others.
57.人干点好事儿总想让鬼神知道，干点坏事儿总以为鬼神不知道，我们太让鬼为难了。
57. People always want the gods to know when they do good deeds, but they think the gods don’t know when they do bad things. We make it too difficult for the gods.
58.就算不快乐也不要皱眉，因为你永远不知道谁会爱上你的笑容。
58. Even if you are not happy, don’t frown, because you never know who might fall in love with your smile.
59.不懂，为什么世界是悲伤的，为什么我看见的每个人都在流泪。
59. I don’t understand why the world is sad, why everyone I see is crying.
60.男人没那本事就不要嫌自己的女人怀上别人的孩子。
60. If a man doesn’t have the ability, he shouldn’t complain about his woman getting pregnant with someone else’s child.
61.这个世界什么都靠不住，只有我靠的住。简称：我靠……
61. In this world, nothing is reliable except for myself. In short: I rely on myself…
62.快乐时你不必分心想起我，难过时一定记得联络我。让我分享你的苦，带走你的优愁，我只求这样把你拥有。
62. When you’re happy, you don’t have to think of me; but when you’re sad, remember to contact me. Let me share your pain and take away your sorrow, that’s all I ask to have you.
63.生活中没有参照物的人，可怜;选错参照物的人，可悲。
63. It’s pitiful to have no reference in life; it’s even more tragic to choose the wrong reference.
64.我缺钱缺女人缺心眼,就是不缺德!
64. I lack money, women, and wit, but I never lack virtue!
65.真羡慕你这么年轻就认识我了。
65. I’m so envious of you for getting to know me at such a young age.
66.有时候，不是对方不在乎你，而是你把对方看的太重。
66. Sometimes, it’s not that the other person doesn’t care about you; it’s that you take them too seriously.
67.不知是对是错，不管是对是错，我只想和你在一起，一起等太阳出来。没有水，你是我的水;没有粮食，我是你的粮食。我们始终相信同一个神，热爱同一个命运。爱上你，我身体中有了世上最柔软的部分。
67. I don’t know if it’s right or wrong, but I just want to be with you, waiting for the sun to rise together. Without water, I am your water; without food, you are my food. We always believe in the same God and love the same destiny. Falling in love with you, I’ve found the softest part in my body.
68.我们都太爱自己了，两个太爱自己的人，是没法长相厮守的。
68. We both love ourselves too much, and two people who love themselves too much cannot stay together for long.
69.海子：永远是这样，风后面是风，天空上面是天空，道路前面还是道路。
69. Hai Zi: It’s always like this, behind the wind is more wind, above the sky is more sky, and ahead of the road is still the road.
70.你什么也不能得到，因为我已一无所有。
70. You can’t get anything from me, because I have nothing left.
71.树不要皮，必死无疑;人不要脸，天下无敌。
71. A tree without bark is destined to die; a person without shame is invincible.
72.高中时班主任姓黄，我们背地里叫他大黄。元旦时班里玩你比我猜，比赛到了白热化的阶段，最后一题是“藏獒”。甲组的同学做了一个狗的姿势，最后一名同学高兴的指着班主任大喊：“我知道了，我知道了，是大黄！是大黄！”然后，就没有然后了。
72. Our high school headteacher’s surname was Huang, and we secretly called him “Big Huang.” During the New Year’s Day event, the class played a “You Guess I Draw” game. At the climax of the competition, the last question was “Tibetan Mastiff.” A student from Group A made a dog gesture, and the last student excitedly pointed at the headteacher and shouted, “I know, I know, it’s Big Huang! It’s Big Huang!” And then, there was no more.
73.武汉大学丑闻频出，不知道这个算不算武大有个周易课，老师拿着个罗盘进来。围着教室神神叨叨地转了一圈。然后，吐出一句话：同学们，今天不宜上课，放学！
73. Wuhan University has frequent scandals; I don’t know if this counts as one: There was an I Ching class at Wuhan University, and the teacher came in with a compass. He walked around the classroom in a mysterious manner and then uttered a sentence: “Students, today is not suitable for class, let’s go home!”
74.拍脑袋决策，拍胸脯保证，拍屁股走人。
74. Make decisions by slapping your head, make promises by thumping your chest, and leave by patting your butt.
75.女人，不需要倾国倾城，只需要一个男人为她倾尽一生。
75. Women don’t need to be stunningly beautiful; they just need a man who would devote his whole life to them.
76.昨天捡了一块鼠标垫，想配台电脑，大家说还缺些啥呢?
76. Yesterday, I found a mouse pad and wanted to assemble a computer. What else do you think is missing?
77.美女眼前过，不泡是罪过。
77. It’s a sin to let a beautiful woman pass by without making a move.
78.听朋友说，她和他老公去给小宝宝买奶粉，服务员介绍了一款新产品，说跟母乳一样，于是朋友问他老公，老公你怎么看，他老公连忙说，我又没试，我怎么知道。
78. A friend told me that she and her husband went to buy baby formula for their child. The salesperson introduced a new product, saying it was just like breast milk. So the friend asked her husband, “What do you think, honey?” He hurriedly replied, “I haven’t tried it, how would I know?”
79.善意的谎言：就是给自己的欺骗找一个很好的借口。
79. A white lie is just a good excuse for self-deception.
80.不要那么轻视对方，你别一不小心就会把自己撂倒。
80. Don’t underestimate the other person; otherwise, you might accidentally trip yourself up.
81.有一种爱叫“我无所谓”，有一种被爱叫“算我倒霉”。
81. There is a kind of love called “I don’t care”, and there is a kind of being loved called “consider me unlucky”.
82.该玩的时候玩，该收心的时候收心，别让自己玩的太疯了。
82. Play when it’s time to play, and settle down when it’s time to settle down. Don’t let yourself go too wild.
83.有些记忆，被永远定格在那些充斥着甜蜜的一颦一笑里。
83. Some memories are forever frozen in those moments filled with sweet smiles and frowns.
84.别再我面前装善良，你的虚伪我早就该明了。
84. Don’t pretend to be kind in front of me, I should have known your hypocrisy long ago.
85.爱过之后我终于明白，不爱你之间我是多么的幸福快乐。
85. After being in love, I finally understand how happy I was before I didn’t love you.
86.爱情就像乘法，其中一项为零，其结果永远为零。
86. Love is like multiplication, if one factor is zero, the result will always be zero.
87.老婆故意抹口红，在我的衣服上亲几口！第二天，酒醒了，老婆特生气：你昨晚，在外面干嘛啦，你看看这口红印！我一看，大笑！老婆：你犯错了，还笑！我：老婆，你别逗了，这么大的个口红印，除了你还有谁有这么大的嘴！
87. My wife deliberately put on lipstick and kissed my clothes a few times! The next day, when she sobered up, my wife was very angry: What did you do last night? Look at this lipstick mark! I took a look and laughed! Wife: You made a mistake and still laugh! Me: Don’t tease,老婆, such a big lipstick mark, besides you, who else has such a big mouth!
88.生活使我学会了；去爱，却不要爱太深；付出，却记得为自己保留点；争取，却还懂得放弃；哭泣却仍勇往直前。
88. Life has taught me to love, but not too deeply; to give, but remember to keep something for myself; to strive, but also to know how to give up; to cry, but still move forward bravely.
89.有魅力的人，在怎么样都是会让人看重的。
89. Charming people will always be valued, no matter what.
90.不要暗恋我，要恋就明着恋好了，我不会轻易拒绝你的。
90. Don’t have a crush on me, if you want to fall in love, just do it openly, I won’t easily refuse you.
91.邂逅你，或许是上天的安排，一切都那么自然。你从人群中走来，深邃的目光，将我上下打量，直到我面红耳赤，你才幽幽地说：算命不。
91. Meeting you might be the arrangement of heaven, everything is so natural. You walked out from the crowd, with deep eyes, scrutinizing me up and down, until I blushed and you said softly: Fortune telling?
92.世界上最大的教堂，也装不下你的罪恶。
92. The largest church in the world cannot hold your sins.
93.在无数个睡不着的晚上，我相信会有很多人，习惯性的开始闭上眼睛，安静的想念一个人，想念一张脸。而在他们心里，能够有这样一个人可以想念，或许就够了。
93. On countless sleepless nights, I believe many people will start to close their eyes and quietly miss a person, miss a face. And in their hearts, having such a person to miss might be enough.
94.一个女人必须了解和牢记，男人——只要他是是男人，无论老幼，他都爱漂亮的女人。
94. A woman must understand and remember that men - as long as they are men, regardless of age, they all love beautiful women.
95、世事往往如此，想回头也已经来不及，即使你肯沦为劣马，不一定有回头草在等着你。
95. Things often turn out like this, it’s too late to turn back, even if you are willing to become an inferior horse, there may not be any turning grass waiting for you.
96、猪的四大愿望：四周栅栏都倒掉，天上纷纷掉饲料。天下屠夫都死掉，世界人民信佛教。
96. The four wishes of a pig: the fences around fall down, food falls from the sky. All butchers in the world die, and people around the world believe in Buddhism.
97、赚钱的人，辛苦劳作，如牛吃草，挤奶生钱，花钱的人，大手大脚，如兔吃草，折腾粮草，祝你事事顺心，赚钱花钱两开心！
97. People who make money work hard, like cows eating grass, milking and making money; people who spend money, spend lavishly, like rabbits eating grass, tossing and turning grain and grass. I wish you everything goes well, making and spending money happily!
98、“我女朋友爹妈太迷信，居然要她和我分手。” “说你五行不合？” “不，说我五官不合。”
98. “My girlfriend’s parents are too superstitious, they actually want her to break up with me.” “Do they say our five elements don’t match?” “No, they say my five features don’t match.”
99、姐不是不敢踹你,姐只是怕脏了姐脚上的耐克。
99. I’m not afraid to kick you, I’m just afraid of dirtying my Nike shoes.
100、自从得了精神病，我的精神就好多了！
100. Since I got mental illness, my mental state has been much better!
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