1.我不骂人，因为我动手能力比较强。
1. I don’t curse people because I have strong hands-on skills.
2.开卷和闭卷的不同就在于，一个在上面抄，一个在下面抄。
2. The difference between open-book and closed-book exams is that one copies from above, and the other copies from below.
3.不要总是对我忽冷忽热，那样的话我怕感冒。
3. Don’t always be hot and cold to me; otherwise, I’m afraid I’ll catch a cold.
4.没什么事不要找我，有事更不用找我！
4. Don’t look for me when there’s nothing, and definitely don’t look for me when there’s something!
5.哥吸烟、是因为它伤肺，不伤心。
5. I smoke because it hurts my lungs, not my heart.
6.骑白马的不一定是王子，可能是唐僧；有翅膀的不一定是天使，也可能是鸟人！
6. The one riding a white horse may not be a prince, but Tang Seng; the one with wings may not be an angel, but a birdman!
7.悟空，不要变得这么残暴，交给为师，让为师骑马撞死她。
7. Wukong, don’t be so brutal. Leave it to me, and let me ride a horse to knock her down.
8.晚自习的时候考试，拿出手机搜答案，突然，老师把灯一关，我……亮了。
8. During the evening self-study exam, I took out my phone to search for answers. Suddenly, the teacher turned off the lights, and I… lit up.
9.我曾经跟一个人无数次擦肩而过，衣服都擦破了，也没擦出火花。
9. I once passed by someone countless times, and my clothes were worn out, but no sparks were created.
10.鲜花往往不属于赏花的人，而属于牛粪。
10. Flowers often don’t belong to those who appreciate them, but to the cow dung.
11.我和脂肪做斗争，差点没牺牲。
11. I struggled with fat, and almost didn’t make it.
12.成人不自在，自在不成人。
12. Adults are not at ease; those who are at ease are not adults.
13.爱你的时候，你是西施；恨你的时候，你是僵尸！
13. When I love you, you are Xi Shi; when I hate you, you are a zombie!
14.中华儿女千千万，这个不行咱就换。
14. There are thousands of Chinese people, so if this one doesn’t work, we’ll change to another.
15.你是风儿我是沙，你是皮鞋我是刷，你不理我我自杀。
15. You are the wind, I am the sand; you are the leather shoe, I am the brush. If you ignore me, I’ll commit suicide.
16.炫富就像孔雀开屏，一心想展示华丽的外表，却被人看见了屁眼。
16. Showing off wealth is like a peacock spreading its feathers, intending to display its gorgeous appearance, but people see its rear end.
17.我们只要有一颗自信心，神马都米有鸭梨。
17. As long as we have self-confidence, there will be no pressure.
18.偷吃不是我的错，是我嘴巴的寂寞。
18. It’s not my fault for sneaking a bite; it’s the loneliness of my mouth.
19.您别看我长得像没头脑，其实我是不高兴。
19. Don’t look at me like I have no brains; actually, I’m just unhappy.
20.有一种爱叫放手，手放开后，请你快走。
20. There is a kind of love called letting go. After you let go, please leave quickly.
21.不想叛师的徒弟，都是不成才的徒弟。
21. Disciples who don’t want to betray their masters are unpromising ones.
22.男人的实力，就是你兜里的人民币。
22. A man’s strength is the amount of RMB in your pocket.
23.瞧你这长相，不用化妆就能去演恐怖片了。
23. With your appearance, you don’t even need makeup to act in a horror movie.
24.没用的东西，再便宜也不买；不爱的人，再寂寞也不依赖。
24. No matter how cheap something is, don’t buy it if it’s useless; no matter how lonely you are, don’t rely on someone you don’t love.
25.作为一个吃货，吃东西并不代表我饿了，只是因为嘴巴寂寞了。
25. As a foodie, eating doesn’t necessarily mean I’m hungry; it’s just because my mouth is lonely.
26.世界上最遥远的距离，就他妈是星期一到星期五。
26. The longest distance in the world is fucking from Monday to Friday.
27.自从人晒黑了，脸色好看了，牙齿变白了，喝酒都不脸红了。
27. Ever since I got tanned, my face looks better, my teeth are whiter, and I don’t even blush when I drink.
28.装逼只是瞬间，不要脸才是永恒。
28. Pretending is just a moment; shamelessness is eternal.
29.我掐指一算，发现你命里缺我。
29. I calculated with my fingers and found that you lack me in your life.
30.一直对发型不满意的人，有一个共同点：不肯承认这是脸的问题。
30. People who are always dissatisfied with their hairstyles have one thing in common: they refuse to admit that it’s a face issue.
31.原本想一口一口吃掉忧愁，不料却一口一口吃成胖子。
31. I wanted to eat my worries away one bite at a time, but unexpectedly, I became a fat person one bite at a time.
32.宁可胖的精致，也不要瘦的雷同。
32. It’s better to be a delicate fat person than a skinny clone.
33.你不是VIP，甚至不是V，你丫只是个P。
33. You’re not a VIP, or even a V; you’re just a P.
34.挂个蚊帐在里面裸睡，挑逗蚊子，把它急死。
34. Sleep naked inside a mosquito net, teasing the mosquitoes and driving them crazy.
35.人生苦短，必须性感。
35. Life is short; be sexy.
36.从天堂到地狱，哥只是路过人间。
36. From heaven to hell, I’m just passing through the world.
37.我喜欢的人，都在硬盘里。
37. The people I like are all in my hard drive.
38.傻与不傻，要看你会不会装傻。
38. Being silly or not depends on whether you know how to pretend to be silly.
39.穷耐克，富阿迪，流氓一身阿玛尼。
39. Poor people wear Nike, rich people wear Adidas, and gangsters wear Armani.
40.抽，是一种生活艺术；找抽，是一种生活态度。
40. Smoking is a form of art in life; seeking a beating is a life attitude.
41.众里寻他千百度，没病你就走两步。
41. I searched for him a thousand times in the crowd; if you’re not sick, just take a couple of steps.
42.每次临时抱佛脚的时候，佛总是给我一脚。
42. Every time I try to seek help at the last minute, Buddha always gives me a kick.
43.天上不会掉馅饼，因为我们不相信。
43. There are no free lunches in the sky because we don’t believe in them.
44.我说这位壮士，你在我伤口上撒完盐，就别再尝尝咸淡了吧。
44. I say, big guy, after you’ve finished sprinkling salt on my wound, please don’t taste the saltiness anymore, okay?
45.吃什么鱿鱼丝、墨鱼丝的，给我上点美人鱼丝。
45. What’s the point of eating squid or cuttlefish? Bring me some mermaid instead.
46.把你家的地址说出来，我要把它改成公共厕所。
46. Tell me your home address; I’m going to turn it into a public toilet.
47.说了晚安去睡的人、往往半小时以后还在得瑟。
47. People who say goodnight and go to sleep often still show off half an hour later.
48.一懒猫疯狂地追求一老鼠终于结婚，婚后猫对老鼠百般苛护，老鼠很快变胖，老鼠很感动：亲爱的为什么对我这么好呀！猫嘿嘿笑道：等你再胖一点就知道了。
48. A lazy cat madly pursued a mouse and finally got married. After marriage, the cat took good care of the mouse, who quickly gained weight. The mouse was very touched: “My dear, why are you so good to me?” The cat chuckled: “Wait until you get fatter, and you’ll find out.”
49.一室友，决心开始减肥，当着众室友的面信誓旦旦地讲到：“脂肪，我和你拼了。”一个月过去，减肥失败，又是在众室友面前温和的讲到：“亲爱的脂肪，这次你又赢了”。
49. A roommate decided to start losing weight and vowed in front of everyone, “Fat, I’ll fight you to the death.” A month later, the weight loss failed, and the roommate gently said in front of everyone, “Dear fat, you’ve won again.”
50.天使之所以会飞，是因为她们把自己看得很轻。
50. Angels can fly because they see themselves as light.
51.钻石恒久远，一颗就破产！
51. Diamonds are forever, but one is enough to go bankrupt!
52.走自己的路，让别人打车去吧！
52. Walk your own way and let others take taxis!
53.黑夜给了我一双黑色的眼睛，可我却用它来翻白眼。
53. The night gave me a pair of black eyes, but I used them to roll my eyes.
54.照相是要抢时机的，刻意的永远不会好。
54. Taking photos is about seizing the moment; anything deliberate will never be good.
55.白加黑：白天踩一人，不瞌睡；晚上再踩一人，睡得香。
55. White plus black: Step on one person during the day, no drowsiness; step on another person at night, sleep soundly.
56.别打开礼物的缎带，最初充满期待，最后都腐败。
56. Don’t untie the ribbon on the gift; it starts with expectation, but ends in decay.
57.将薪比薪想一下，算了，不想活了。
57. Compare my salary to yours, and forget it, I don’t want to live anymore.
58.别惹我，否则我会让你死得很有节奏感。
58. Don’t provoke me, or I’ll make your death rhythmic.
59.先别鄙视我，给你个号码牌，先排队，到你的时候再鄙视。
59. Don’t despise me yet; here’s a number card, get in line, and despise me when it’s your turn.
60.晚上想想千条路，早上起来走原路。
60. At night, I think of a thousand paths, but when I get up in the morning, I still follow the same old one.
61.姐从来不抄袭，但没说不复制。
61. My sister never plagiarizes, but she doesn’t say she can’t copy.
62.失败是成功她后妈，看见孩子老失败也不帮她！
62. Failure is success’s stepmother, seeing the child keep failing but not helping!
63.别再逼我，再逼，我就在地上划个圈圈咒诅你被丑女强吻！
63. Don’t push me anymore, if you do, I’ll draw a circle on the ground to curse you being forcibly kissed by an ugly girl!
64.我只为人民币服务，谢谢。
64. I only serve the Renminbi, thank you.
65.如果我死了，我的第一句话是：终于不用怕鬼了。
65. If I die, my first sentence will be: Finally, I don’t have to be afraid of ghosts.
66.自从得了精神病，我的精神就好多了！
66. Ever since I got mental illness, my spirit has been much better!
67.当你穿上了爱情的婚纱，我也披上了和尚的袈裟……
67. When you put on the wedding dress of love, I also put on the monk’s robe…
68.锻炼肌肉，防止挨揍！
68. Exercise muscles, prevent getting beaten!
69.如果回帖是一种美德，那我早就成为圣人了。
69. If replying is a virtue, then I’ve already become a saint.
70.雷锋做了好事不留名，但是每一件事情都记到日记里面。
70. Lei Feng did good deeds without leaving his name, but he recorded every single thing in his diary.
71.喝白酒一斤，我绝对没感觉，因为喝半斤就已经喝死了。
71. Drinking one jin of white wine, I have no feeling at all, because I’m already dead after drinking half a jin.
72.人人都说我丑，其实我只是美得不明显。
72. Everyone says I’m ugly, but in fact, I’m just not obviously beautiful.
73.老子不打你，你就不知道我文武双全。
73. If I don’t hit you, you won’t know I’m both literary and martial.
74.我特别困的时候，道德标准也没有醒，老师们要小心了。
74. When I’m very sleepy, my moral standards are also not awake, teachers should be careful.
75.笨男人+笨女人=结婚；笨男人+聪明女人=离婚；聪明男人+笨女人=婚外情；聪明男人+聪明女人=浪漫爱情。
75. Stupid man + stupid woman = marriage; stupid man + smart woman = divorce; smart man + stupid woman = affair; smart man + smart woman = romantic love.
76.上帝说要有光，我说我反对，于是，世界上有了黑暗。
76. God said there should be light, I said I’m against it, and then, the world had darkness.
77.睡眠是一门艺术，谁也无法阻挡我追求艺术的脚步！
77. Sleeping is an art, no one can stop me from pursuing the footsteps of art!
78.我在学校的生活仅仅能做的三件事，看学霸秀成绩，看情侣秀恩爱，看土豪炫富;更惨的是：看土豪秀成绩，看学霸秀恩爱，看情侣炫富。
78. The only three things I can do in school are: watch the top students show off their grades, watch couples show off their love, and watch the wealthy show off their wealth; what’s worse is: watch the wealthy show off their grades, watch the top students show off their love, and watch couples show off their wealth.
79.问一个淡淡的问题：鸟儿为什么爱在电线上排排坐？最佳解释是在线才能聊天。
79. Ask a light question: Why do birds love to sit on power lines? The best explanation is that only online can they chat.
80.卖花的小姑娘拉着我：“大哥哥买花吧一看就知道你是花心的人。”
80. The little girl selling flowers pulled at me: “Big brother, buy flowers! I can tell you’re a flirtatious person just by looking at you.”
81.泼出去的水，老子连盆子都不要了。
81. Once the water is splashed out, I don’t even want the basin.
82.再丑的人也能结婚、再美的人也有单身。
82. Even the ugliest person can get married, and the most beautiful person can still be single.
83.老子不打你，你不知道我文武双全。
83. If I don’t hit you, you won’t know I’m talented in both literature and martial arts.
84.你太矮了！借你望远镜吧，再看清楚点，我不帅吗？
84. You’re so short! Let me lend you a telescope to take a closer look. Am I not handsome?
85.我要做个下载软件，名字叫掩耳。因为迅雷不及掩耳。
85. I want to create a download software called “Covering Ears” because “Xunlei” can’t catch up with “covering ears.”
86.哪里跌倒，哪里爬起。老是在那里跌倒，我怀疑那里有个坑！
86. Get up where you fall. If you keep falling in the same place, I suspect there’s a pit there!
87.我心眼儿有些小，但是不缺；我脾气很好，但不是没有！
87. My mind is a bit small, but it’s complete; my temper is good, but not nonexistent!
88.种草不让人去躺，不如改种仙人掌！
88. If you don’t allow people to lie down on the grass you planted, you might as well plant cactus instead!
89.路漫漫其修远兮，不如我们去打的。
89. The road ahead is long and has no end; let’s just take a taxi.
90.就你这个样子，这个年龄，已经跌破发行价了。
90. With your appearance and age, you’ve already dropped below the issue price.
91.老师说：快要高考了，早恋的就不要吵架了，以免影响心情；没早恋的就不要表白了，以免被拒绝影响心情。
91. The teacher said: The college entrance exam is approaching, those who are in early romantic relationships should not quarrel, so as not to affect their mood; those who are not, should not confess, so as not to be rejected and affect their mood.
92.你脸上的痘真多拖拉机开上去都会翻车。
92. You have so many pimples on your face, a tractor would flip if it drove over them.
93.等我有钱了，我就买一辆公交车，专门走公交专用车道，专门停在公交车站，等有人想上车了，我就说：对不起，这是私家车。
93. When I’m rich, I’ll buy a bus and use only bus lanes, stopping only at bus stops. When someone wants to get on, I’ll say, “Sorry, it’s a private car.”
94.在公交车上，一个孕妇站在一个坐在凳子的年青男人前面，孕妇对他说:“难道你不知道我怀孕了吗?“那男的说:“对不起，这孩子不会是我的吧?”
94. On the bus, a pregnant woman stood in front of a young man sitting on a stool. She said to him, “Don’t you know I’m pregnant?” The man replied, “Sorry, but I don’t think the child could be mine.”
95.没有女人的日子里，我以调戏男人为乐。
95. In the days without women, I take pleasure in teasing men.
96.岁月不饶人，首先饶不了女人;机会不等人，首先等不了男人。
96. Time spares no one, especially women; opportunities wait for no one, especially men.
97.扔硬币，正面就去上网，反面就是睡觉，立起来就去写作业。
97. Flip a coin: if it’s heads, go online; if it’s tails, go to sleep; if it stands up, do your homework.
98.我是你的风筝，线在你手上，可陪伴我的只有风。
98. I am your kite, the string is in your hands, but all I have for company is the wind.
99.拍脑袋决策，拍胸脯保证，拍屁股走人。
99. Make decisions by slapping your head, guarantee with your chest, and leave by patting your butt.
100.好男人，就是和媳妇吵架时，抱着必输的心态。
100. A good man is one who, when arguing with his wife, has a mindset of inevitable defeat.
1.多亏我是个胖子，伤心时我可以捏捏肚子。
1. Fortunately, I am a fat person, so when I’m sad, I can pinch my belly.
2.我们就像两条平行线，永远也不会有交点。
2. We are like two parallel lines, never to have an intersection.
3.家长会和小三的性质都是一样的，都是挑拨家庭关系的。
3. Parent-teacher conferences and homewreckers are of the same nature, both are trying to disrupt family relationships.
4.大大咧咧不一定是坏，温文尔雅不一定是真。
4. Being carefree is not necessarily bad, and being gentle and refined is not necessarily genuine.
5.我本就不是娇滴滴的女生，不需要被保护，一个人也可以很好。
5. I am not a delicate girl to begin with, I don’t need to be protected, I can be just fine on my own.
6.就算你瘦了，变好看了，你什么都好了，不爱你的人还是不爱你。
6. Even if you lose weight, become more attractive, and everything gets better, those who don’t love you still won’t love you.
7.婊子配狗天长地久，狗男配鸡如胶似漆。
7. A bitch matches a dog for eternity, and a dog man matches a hen, sticking together like glue.
8.如果你讨厌我，我一点也不介意，我活着不是为了取悦你。
8. If you hate me, I don’t mind at all, I am not living to please you.
9.世界上最爱我的男人，已经娶了我妈。
9. The man who loves me the most in the world has already married my mom.
10.真正的境界是宁可自己去原谅别人，莫让别人来原谅你。
10. The true state is to prefer forgiving others rather than having others forgive you.
11.人生就是呼吸，呼是为了出一口气，吸是为了争一口气。
11. Life is like breathing, exhaling is to let out a breath, and inhaling is to fight for another breath.
12.天若有情天亦老，抢我对象死的早。
12. If heaven has feelings, it will age too, whoever steals my partner will die young.
13.游戏和女友最大的区别就是，一个要下副本一个要下血本！
13. The biggest difference between a game and a girlfriend is that one requires you to download a dungeon, and the other requires you to invest your life savings!
14.做清淡欢颜的女子，写高贵的情书给自己。
14. Be a light-hearted and joyful woman, and write noble love letters to yourself.
15.这个世界，没有那么多单纯的如果，不爱就是不爱了。
15. In this world, there are not so many simple “what ifs”, if someone doesn’t love you, they just don’t love you anymore.
16.我这人没啥优点，就是受表扬能力特强！
16. I don’t have many strengths, but I am particularly good at receiving praise!
17.以为自己长得漂亮又怎样，老娘不屑，最终还不是当别人情妇。
17. What’s the big deal about thinking you’re pretty? I despise it, in the end, you still become someone’s mistress.
18.趁我还爱你，你可不可以不要错过我？
18. While I still love you, can you not miss me?
19.你的态度决定我的态度，你若对我沉默，我也只好对你冷漠。
19. Your attitude determines my attitude, if you are silent to me, I have no choice but to be indifferent to you.
20.别站在你的角度看我，我怕那你看不懂。
20. Don’t look at me from your perspective, I’m afraid you won’t understand me.
21.姐不需要谁爱我，更不需要谁疼我，姐会狠狠疼爱自己。
21. I don’t need anyone to love me, nor do I need anyone to pamper me. I will love and pamper myself fiercely.
22.不想看你不开心，却又嫉妒你和别人太开心！
22. I don’t want to see you unhappy, yet I’m jealous when you’re too happy with others.
23.那些曾经泼过我冷水的人，我一定会烧开了还给你们。
23. To those who have poured cold water on me, I will surely boil it and return it to you.
24.老师上课的质量，决定手机此月的流量。
24. The quality of the teacher’s class determines the amount of mobile data I use this month.
25.你用温柔将我所有的菱角磨平，然后用尽全力伤我到死。
25. You used your gentleness to smooth all my edges and corners, and then tried your best to hurt me to death.
26.你就像根苦瓜，穿得这么清凉，长得这么败。
26. You’re like a bitter gourd; dressed so cool, yet looking so miserable.
27.你既然这么轻易地被种在我的心里，那么，就别想轻易逃脱出去！
27. Since you’ve been planted so easily in my heart, don’t even think about escaping easily!
28.长了副猪样，就不要以为自己是人，老娘看不起你。
28. If you look like a pig, don’t think you’re a human; I despise you.
29.别跟我说你不差钱，既然如此，来来，你往外丢，我接着。
29. Don’t tell me you’re not short of money. If that’s the case, come on, throw it out, and I’ll catch it.
30.别说小三骚，谁让他一勾搭就上套。
30. Don’t say the mistress is flirtatious; it’s because she’s easily hooked.
31.谁的旧爱不是别人的新欢，谁的新欢不是别人的旧爱。
31. Whose ex isn’t someone else’s new love, and whose new love isn’t someone else’s ex?
32.谁要是再敢惹我，我就趁清明之前把他埋了。
32. If anyone dares to provoke me again, I’ll bury them before Qingming Festival.
33.不管谁泼我们冷水，我们都要有骨气的变成开水泼回去。
33. No matter who pours cold water on us, we must have the guts to turn into boiling water and splash it back.
34.有棱有角的害处是，别人啃起你来十分方便。
34. The disadvantage of having edges and corners is that it’s very convenient for others to bite you.
35.走不进的世界就不要硬挤了，难为了别人，作贱了自己，何必呢？
35. If you can’t enter a world, don’t force your way in. It’s difficult for others and degrades yourself. Why bother?
36.看过水浒传吗？唐僧师徒四人被贾宝玉逼上梁山的故事。
36. Have you read Water Margin? The story of Tang Seng and his three disciples being forced onto Liangshan by Jia Baoyu.
37.每次看到情侣，我就会唱那首歌，”分手快乐，祝你快乐”。
37. Every time I see a couple, I sing that song, “Happy Breakup, Wish You Happiness.”
38.老人不能打小孩，不能打女人，不能打男人往死里打。
38. The elderly should not hit children, women, or men to death.
39.如果领导下个月再不给我加薪，我就辞职，辞职前再给他送两条中华，抽死他。
39. If the leader doesn’t give me a raise next month, I’ll resign. Before resigning, I’ll give him two packs of Zhonghua cigarettes to smoke him to death.
40.我娘说浪子回头金不换，谁给我金子？我换。
40. My mother said that a prodigal son who returns is worth more than gold, but who will give me the gold? I’ll change.
41.爷爷都是从孙子走过来的……
41. Grandfathers were once grandsons…
42.你说你是我朋友，其实我知道，动物的确是人类的朋友。
42. You say you are my friend; in fact, I know that animals are indeed friends of humans.
43.喜欢我的人都是好人。不喜欢我的人都是坏人。讨厌我的都不是人。
43. Those who like me are good people. Those who don’t like me are bad people. Those who hate me are not human.
44.说谎是男人的特权，被骗是女人的专利…
44. Lying is a man’s privilege, and being deceived is a woman’s patent…
45.爷不是你的小浣熊，玩不出你的其乐无穷。
45. I am not your little panda; I can’t play your endless joy.
46.每个人都是囚犯，电话号码就是编号。
46. Everyone is a prisoner, and phone numbers are their numbers.
47.如果命运抓住了伱的喉咙，伱就挠命运嘚胳肢窝。
47. If fate grabs your throat, you should tickle fate’s armpit.
48.我的未来不是梦，我的未来是做恶梦！
48. My future is not a dream, my future is having nightmares!
49.我觉得你真的不是个合格的朋友，你还是改行做我老婆吧！
49. I think you are really not a qualified friend; you’d better change your career and be my wife!
50.哥脸上的那绝对不是痘，那叫青春。
50. What’s on my face is absolutely not acne; it’s called youth.
51.如果你在大街上大吼一声”贱人“绝对比叫一句美女回头率来的高!
51. If you shout “bitch” on the street, the turning heads will definitely be higher than if you call someone a beauty!
52.现在的花心，是因为当初的比任何人都用心。
52. The current flirtatiousness is because I was more dedicated than anyone else at first.
53.有一种态度叫有情犯贱，有一种状态叫没事找抽。
53. There is an attitude called affectionate humiliation, and there is a state called asking for trouble.
54.神州行我看行，我不缴费看你行不行。
54. China Mobile works for me; I won’t pay the bill, let’s see if you can handle it.
55.我觉得打电话挺好的，这样说的每句话都是值钱的。
55. I think making phone calls is great, as every word spoken is valuable.
56.其实我很宅，只是宅在谁家里的问题。
56. In fact, I am a homebody, it’s just a matter of whose house I stay in.
57.白驼山壮骨粉，挨一刀涂一包，包你想挨第二刀…
57. Baituoshan Strong Bone Powder, apply one pack after a cut, and you’ll want to get stabbed again…
58.你现在过得好吗？如果你过得不好我也就安心了。
58. How are you doing now? If you’re not doing well, I’ll be relieved.
59.新时代的女性，上的了厅堂，翻的了围墙，斗的了小三，打的了流氓，就是下不了厨房。
59. Modern women can handle the living room, climb over walls, fight with mistresses, beat up hooligans, but they just can’t enter the kitchen.
60.谁他二大爷的告诉我诺基亚能砸核桃，现在黑屏了。
60. Who the hell told me that Nokia can crack walnuts? Now the screen is black.
61.人生苦短，必须性感。
61. Life is short, so be sexy.
62.虽然你身上喷了古龙水，但我还是能隐约闻到一股人渣味儿。
62. Although you’ve sprayed cologne, I can still vaguely smell the scent of a scumbag.
63.你那副正经的样子，貌似真的听懂人话呐！
63. You look so serious, as if you really understand human language!
64.我跟伍佰不熟，他弟弟二百五跟我很熟。
64. I’m not familiar with Wu Bai, but I’m very close to his brother, Er Bai Wu.
65.我建议大家对我的长相，理解为主，欣赏为辅。
65. I suggest that you focus on understanding my appearance, and appreciate it as a secondary aspect.
66.结束友情的方式有许多种，最彻底的一种是借钱不还。
66. There are many ways to end a friendship, and the most thorough one is to borrow money and not pay it back.
67.暗恋就是没有配高射炮的雷达，默默地锁定了敌机。
67. Secret love is like a radar without an anti-aircraft gun, silently locking onto enemy aircraft.
68.在猪圈里，你不必讲究人类的礼仪。
68. In a pigsty, you don’t need to follow human etiquette.
69.不求门当户对，只求感觉到位。
69. I don’t seek a perfect match, just the right feeling.
70.土是用来挖的，坑是用来埋你的。
70. Dirt is for digging, and holes are for burying you.
71.永远都不要跟同一个傻子争辩，因为争辩到最后，会分不清谁是傻子。
71. Never argue with the same fool, because in the end, you won’t be able to tell who the fool is.
72.你到挺有个性，个不高性格还那么不好。
72. You’re quite unique, short in stature and with a bad temper.
73.没心没肺，能活百岁，问心无愧，做人不累。
73. Live carefree, and you’ll live a long life; be guiltless, and you won’t be tired as a person.
74.真怀念小时候啊，天热的时候我也可以像男人一样光膀子！
74. I really miss when I was a child, when it was hot, I could also bare my chest like a man!
75.我看你就一专业织网的，而且专捕企鹅。
75. I think you’re a professional at weaving nets, and you specialize in catching penguins.
76.你别总日啊日的，你家老母狗都快怀孕了。
76. Stop saying “ri” all the time, your old mother dog is almost pregnant.
77.虽然我不能菩度众生，但我可以祸害苍生。
77. Although I can’t help all living beings, I can bring disaster to them.
78.勇于认错，坚决不改。
78. Be brave to admit mistakes, but never change.
79.瘦不了的永远在骚动，吃不胖的都有恃无恐。
79. Those who can’t lose weight are always restless, while those who can’t gain weight are fearless.
80.穿别人的鞋，走自己的路，让他们找去吧。
80. Wear other people’s shoes, walk your own path, and let them search for you.
81.不要乐观的像个屁一样，自以为能惊天动地。
81. Don’t be overly optimistic like a fart, thinking you can shake the world.
82.三分天注定，七分靠打拼，还有九十分在老师那里。
82. Thirty percent is destined, seventy percent comes from hard work, and the remaining ninety percent is with the teacher.
83.晚上想想千条路，早上起来走原路。
83. At night, I think of a thousand paths, but in the morning, I still follow the same old one.
84.我的袜子全是洞，我的未来不是梦。
84. My socks are full of holes, but my future is not just a dream.
85.我也曾青春逼人，可惜现在青春没了，就剩这么个逼人了。
85. I used to be a youthful and formidable person, but now my youth is gone, leaving only this formidable presence.
86.我对你的深情无法付诸语言，除了一句“滚一边去”。
86. I cannot express my deep feelings for you in words, except for “go away.”
87.对于姑娘来说：出来混，迟早是要怀的。
87. For girls: if you play around, sooner or later, you will get pregnant.
88.天涯何处无牛粪，何必单恋一坨屎。
88. There is cow dung everywhere in the world, so why be infatuated with just one pile of shit?
89.如果有一天全世界的男人来月经了，我会去卖卫生经。
89. If one day all the men in the world get their periods, I will sell sanitary pads.
90.以后不要在我面前说英文，OK？
90. Don’t speak English in front of me anymore, OK?
91.如果男人不帮你穿上婚纱，你就送他件袈裟。
91. If a man doesn’t help you put on a wedding dress, give him a monk’s robe.
92.我可没说你不要脸，我是说不要脸的都是你这样的。
92. I didn’t say you have no shame; I’m saying that those who have no shame are like you.
93.装逼只是瞬间，不要脸才是永恒。
93. Pretending to be cool is just a momentary thing, but having no shame is eternal.
94.有些事情无须抬杠，表面服从偷偷反抗。
94. There’s no need to argue over some things; just appear to comply while secretly resisting.
95.我喝酒是想把痛苦溺死，但这该死的痛苦却学会了游泳。
95. I drink to drown my sorrows, but the damned sorrows have learned how to swim.
96.若不弃，此生不离，若嫌弃，死一边去。
96. If you don’t abandon me, we’ll be together for life; if you despise me, go die.
97.上帝给了我们七情六欲，我们却把它们变成了色情和暴力。
97. God gave us seven emotions and six desires, but we turned them into pornography and violence.
98.遇到你之前，我的世界是黑白的，遇到你之后，哇塞！全黑了……
98. Before I met you, my world was in black and white; after meeting you, wow! It’s completely dark…
99.现在的社会，插队都得排队。
99. In today’s society, you even have to wait in line to cut in line.
100.三人行必有我妻，选其美者而取之。
100. Among every group of three people, there must be my wife; I’ll choose the most beautiful one and take her.
有关军训的搞笑句子
1. 军训时，教官说：“向左看齐！” 结果大家都向右看了。 During military training, the instructor said, “Align to the left!” but everyone looked to the right. 2. 军训的第一天，教官问：“你们谁会打军体拳？” 一个同学回答：“报告教官，我会打王者荣耀！” On the first day of military training, the instructor asked, “Who knows how to do military boxing?” A student replied, “Report to the instructor, I know how to play King of Glory!” 3. 军训时，教官让我们练习站军姿，结果大家都变成了“木头人”。 During military training, the instructor asked us to practice standing at attention, and we all became “wooden soldiers.” 4. 军训休息时，一个同学问：“我们什么时候才能结束这地狱般的训练？” 另一个同学回答：“别担心，地狱有十八层，我们才刚刚开始。” During a break in military training, a student asked, “When can we end this hellish training?” Another student replied, “Don’t worry, there are eighteen levels of hell, and we’ve just begun.” 5. 军训时，教官让我们练习正步走，结果大家都变成了“机器人”。 During military training, the instructor asked us to practice goose-stepping, and we all became “robots.” 6. 军训的最后一天，教官说：“你们都表现得很出色，但是下次记得，不要让我再看到你们的笑脸！” 同学们回答：“报告教官，我们保证，下次一定哭丧着脸来军训！” On the last day of military training, the instructor said, “You all did a great job, but remember next time, don’t let me see your smiling faces again!” The students replied, “Report to the instructor, we promise to come to military training with a sad face next time!”
1.我发现教官越帅，女生们的军姿就站的越好。
1. I found that the more handsome the instructor is, the better the girls stand at attention.
2.其实教官还是很好的，如果他的嗓门能小一点的话。
2. In fact, the instructor is still very good, if only his voice could be a little quieter.
3.军训完毕，最煎熬的事莫过于梳头和洗澡了！
3. After military training, the most tormenting things are combing hair and taking a shower!
4.让军训太阳来的更猛一些吧，让军训更火热一些吧。
4. Let the military training sun come even stronger, making the training more intense!
5.让我在这里大喊一声：教官，我们想你！
5. Let me shout here: Instructor, we miss you!
6.让太阳来得更猛烈一些吧……军训很精彩！
6. Let the sun come even stronger… Military training is wonderful!
7.军训是把白人变黑的一个场所。
7. Military training is a place that turns white people black.
8.收腹！还没怀孕呢！挺什么肚子？
8. Suck in your stomach! You’re not pregnant yet! What are you sticking your stomach out for?
9.我很奇怪为什么空间动态越来越少了，想了很久才明白过来，原来前些天疯刷动态的行星饭去军训了。
9. I was wondering why there were fewer and fewer dynamic updates in the space, and after thinking for a long time, I realized that the行星饭 who had been crazy about updating their status went to military training.
10.为了自己的梦想，去拼搏，去奋斗！天上飘来个字，军训不是事！
10. For your own dreams, strive and fight! A word from the sky: Military training is no big deal!
11.军训的时候旁边班教官纠正一女生的军姿“手夹紧！抬头挺胸！挺胸！胸呢胸呢！那女生的表情有多悲愤你想一下。
11. During military training, the instructor from the neighboring class corrected a girl’s posture, “Clamp your hands! Raise your head and chest! Chest! Where’s the chest!” You can imagine how indignant the girl’s expression was.
12.我终于明白军训为什么要前后左右的转身了，这样才能晒得更均匀。
12. I finally understood why we have to turn around in all directions during military training, so that we can get sunburned more evenly.
13.学校给晒太阳取了个很好听的名字叫做军训。
13. The school gave sunbathing a very nice name called military training.
14.求晴天，求高温，求四十度求，暴晒求，没风，我们苦点没关系，一定要让高一的学弟学妹们，有个良好的军训环境。
14. Pray for sunny days, high temperatures, 40 degrees, exposure to the sun, no wind. We don’t mind suffering a bit, but we must ensure that the freshmen have a good military training environment.
15.军训时不要比谁的皮肤白，因为我们都晒的像泥鳅！
15. During military training, don’t compare who has fairer skin, because we all get tanned like eels!
16.军训，其实就是一个从高富帅变成矮矬穷的过程。
16. Military training is actually a process of turning a tall, rich, and handsome guy into a short, ugly, and poor one.
17.军训让我懂得了，什么是回家的诱惑。
17. Military training taught me what the temptation of going home is.
18.军训时，好羡慕个矮的同学，因为有个高的同学帮他们挡太阳。
18. During military training, I was so envious of the shorter students because there was always a taller student to block the sun for them.
19.宁愿在雨天里淋雨军训，也不接受太阳公公的礼物。
19. I’d rather be in the rain during military training than accept the gift of the sun.
20.军训产生了多少非洲同胞。
20. How many African compatriots were produced by military training.
21.军训前一定要拍照现在的模样，因为军训后肯定你认不出自己。
21. Take a photo of yourself before military training, because you won’t recognize yourself after it.
22.经过军训，我成功晋级成黑蛋。
22. After military training, I successfully became a black egg.
23.军训是我们每个人经历过的过程，军训是多少个男神变成屌丝。
23. Military training is a process that each of us has experienced, and it’s how many handsome guys turn into losers.
24.又有一大批“包青天”准备进入中学的大门。
24. A large group of “Bao Qingtian” is about to enter the middle school gate.
25.让军训太阳来的更猛一些吧，让军训更火热一些吧。
25. Let the sun come stronger during military training, and make it more fiery!
26.你若军训，便是晴天。你若放假，便是雨天。你若发奋写作业，便是开学前一天！
26. If you’re in military training, it’s sunny. If you’re on vacation, it’s rainy. If you’re working hard on homework, it’s the day before school starts!
27.一群女生去上厕所，被教官看到，厉声喝道：上厕所是很严肃的事，给我排成一排去！从厕所里出来要精神抖擞，昂首挺胸！
27. A group of girls went to the bathroom, and the instructor saw them and shouted: “Going to the bathroom is a serious matter. Line up and go!” When you come out, be energetic and hold your head high!
28.有蚊子在某女生面前飞，女生微躲了一下，教官见到说：不许动！等它咬到你再动！
28. A mosquito flew in front of a girl, and she dodged slightly. The instructor saw it and said, “Don’t move! Wait until it bites you before you move!”
29.教官：给我把你们的脚砸向地面！
29. Instructor: “Smash your feet into the ground!”
30.同学表达关心：“教官，您晒黑啦。”教官：“黑？我2005年晒黑以后就没白过！”
30. A classmate expressed concern: “Instructor, you’ve gotten tanned.” Instructor: “Tanned? I’ve been tanned since 2005 and never got white again!”
31.还有谁要晕站出来，你让我失望，我让你绝望！
31. If anyone wants to faint, stand out. If you disappoint me, I’ll make you despair!
32.教官：你们有没有MP3，有的给我听，没有的睡觉。
32. Instructor: “Do you have an MP3? If you do, let me listen to it. If not, go to sleep.”
逗女孩子开心的一句话搞笑短信
Amusing text messages to make a girl laugh:
1.人不能低下高贵的头，但捡钱时例外。
1. One cannot lower their noble head, except when picking up money.
2.你说你愿意和我白头到老，不行，我想黑发飘飘。
2. You say you want to grow old with me, but I can’t. I want my black hair to flutter.
3.就算再挫也要谈恋爱，谈到世界充满爱！
3. Even if you’re not good enough, you still need to fall in love, so that the world will be full of love!
4.每次考完试你都假装很高冷，因为别人在激烈讨论答案是A还是B的时候，你却想不通为什么自己选的C。
4. Every time you finish an exam, you pretend to be aloof because while others are passionately discussing whether the answer is A or B, you can’t figure out why you chose C.
5.为了祖国下一代，再丑也得谈恋爱。
5. For the sake of the next generation of our motherland, even if you’re ugly, you have to fall in love.
6.以后再有人向你挑衅说 “有本事来咬我呀！”， 你就告诉他/她， “我不能咬你，毕竟虎毒不食子。”
6. If someone provokes you by saying, “If you have the guts, come and bite me!”, you can tell them, “I can’t bite you, after all, a tiger doesn’t eat its own cub.”
7.旋转木马是最残忍的游戏，彼此追逐却有永恒的距离。
7. The carousel is the most cruel game, chasing each other but with an eternal distance.
8.遗传学淡定地告诉我们：跨物种恋爱注定是没有好结果的。
8. Genetics calmly tells us: interspecies love is doomed to have no good outcome.
9.我宁愿相信世上有鬼，都不相信你的破嘴。——《毕加猪》
9. I would rather believe there are ghosts in the world than believe your broken mouth. —— “Pig Picasso”
10.一日三餐只能让你苟且的活着，零食和夜宵才是生命的真谛。
10. Three meals a day can only let you barely survive; snacks and late-night meals are the true meaning of life.
11.“教室里拆开了一包零食就像人民广场喂鸽子.学校里带了一包面纸就好比城市广场发传单”
11. “Opening a bag of snacks in the classroom is like feeding pigeons in People’s Square. Bringing a pack of tissues to school is like handing out flyers in a city square.”
12.不要怕女人物质，不物质的女人更可怕，因为她要的是真爱，这玩意稀有到你给不起。
12. Don’t be afraid of materialistic women; women who are not materialistic are even more terrifying because they want true love, which is so rare that you can’t afford it.
13.遗传学淡定地告诉我们：跨物种恋爱注定是没有好结果的。
13. Genetics calmly tells us: interspecies love is doomed to have no good outcome.
14.女人都喜欢什么样的男人啊？” “喜欢幽默的男人。” “那我岂不是要妻妾成群了？” “长的幽默不算幽默！”
14. What kind of men do women like? “They like humorous men.” “Then shouldn’t I have a harem?” “Being humorous in appearance is not being humorous!”
15.男人恋爱后变得可怜兮兮，女人恋爱后变得神经兮兮。
15. Men become pitiful after falling in love, while women become neurotic.
16.你不傻，只是智商长得有点慢。
16. You’re not stupid, just slow in developing intelligence.
17.胜者为王，败者暖床。
17. The winner is the king, and the loser warms the bed.
18.我会记住直到忘记为止。
18. I will remember until I forget.
19.我问风扇，我丑不丑，结果它摇了一晚的头。
19. I asked the fan if I was ugly, and it shook its head all night.
20.做人最失败的莫过于唐僧，身边无论是敌是友，总想送他上西天。
20. The most failed person is Tang Seng, as both friends and enemies around him always want to send him to the West.
21.让暴风雨来得更猛烈些吧，反正我是卖伞的！
21. Let the storm come even more fiercely; I’m selling umbrellas anyway!
22.你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
22. You might as well let me kneel on the washboard; I can’t stand kneeling on the electric heater!
23.“捷克斯洛伐克”！我叫JACK，我老婆总这样抱怨我。
23. “Check your speed!” I’m JACK, and my wife always complains like this.
24.高中时每人发个胸牌。一次来检查前，班主任跑到教室大声喊，大家快把胸罩戴起来，来检查的啦…全场鸦雀无声…
24. In high school, everyone was given a badge. Once, before an inspection, the headteacher ran into the classroom and shouted loudly, “Everyone, put on your bras! The inspectors are coming…” The whole class fell silent…
25.不在放荡中变坏，就在沉默中变态。
25. If not corrupted in indulgence, one will become abnormal in silence.
26.有时解释是不必要的，敌人不信你的解释，朋友无须你的解释。
26. Sometimes explanations are unnecessary; enemies don’t believe your explanations, and friends don’t need them.
27.一张文凭、二国语言(精通英文)、三房一厅、四季名牌、五官端正、六六(落落)大方、七千月薪、八面玲珑、九(酒)烟不沾、十分老实。
27. A diploma, two languages (proficient in English), three bedrooms and one living room, four seasons of famous brands, five senses well-proportioned, six (or graceful) and generous, a monthly salary of 7,000, and being skillful in all situations, not touching alcohol or cigarettes, and being very honest.
28.我们产生一点小分歧：她希望我把粪土变黄金，我希望她视黄金如粪土！
28. We have a slight disagreement: she wants me to turn dirt into gold, while I want her to treat gold like dirt!
29.师太，你就从了老衲吧！…很久很久以后…师太，你就饶了老衲吧！
29. Master, just give in to me! …A long time later… Master, please spare me!
30.男人膝下有黄金，我把整个腿都切下来了，连块铜也没找着！
30. There is gold beneath a man’s knees; I cut off my whole leg but couldn’t find even a piece of copper!
31.空欢喜就是早上醒来，以为自己长高了，仔细一看，原来是被子盖横了……
31. False happiness is waking up in the morning, thinking you’ve grown taller, only to find out that your blanket was covering you diagonally…
32.小时候我以为自己长大后可以拯救整个世界，等长大后才发现整个世界都拯救不了我。
32. When I was young, I thought I could save the whole world when I grew up; but when I grew up, I realized the whole world couldn’t save me.
33.如果朋友可以出卖，每个值五块的话，我也能发笔小财了。
33. If friends could be sold, and each was worth five dollars, I could make a small fortune.
34.世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
34. In this world, I only trust two people: one is me, and the other is not you.
35.我们可以躲开大家，却躲不开一只苍蝇。生活中使我们不快乐的常是一些芝麻小事。
35. We can hide from everyone, but we can’t hide from a fly. It’s often the trivial matters in life that make us unhappy.
36.男人靠征服世界来征服女人！女人靠征服男人来征服世界！
36. Men conquer the world to conquer women! Women conquer men to conquer the world!
37.这个世界不公平就在于：上帝说：“我要光！”于是有了白天。美女说：“我要钻戒！”于是她有了钻戒。富豪说：“我要女人！”于是他有了女人。我说：“我要洗澡！”居然停水了。
37. The unfairness of this world lies in: God says, “I want light!” and there is daylight. A beauty says, “I want a diamond ring!” and she gets a diamond ring. A rich man says, “I want a woman!” and he gets a woman. I say, “I want to take a bath!” and there’s a water outage.
38.自从我变成了狗屎，就再也没人踩到我头上。
38. Ever since I became dog feces, no one has stepped on my head.
39.老板，来一碗泪流满面。
39. Boss, bring me a bowl of tears.
40.有钱的人怕别人知道他有钱，没钱的人怕别人知道他没钱。
40. Rich people fear others knowing they have money, while poor people fear others knowing they have no money.
41.广告就是告诉别人，他的钱还可以这么花。
41. Advertising is about telling others how they can spend their money.
42.我问她：”你以前交过男朋友吗？”她说：”高中的时候有交过。”我明知故问：”是河南的么？”她大惊：”当然是和男的啦!”
42. I asked her, “Have you ever had a boyfriend?” She said, “I had one in high school.” I knowingly asked, “From Henan?” She was surprised, “Of course, with a guy!”
43.男：山外青山楼外楼，恋爱婚姻都自由。女：万水千山只等闲，还不赶快去赚钱。
43. Man: Beyond the green mountains, there are more mountains and buildings; love and marriage are both free. Woman: Across a thousand mountains and rivers, just wait and see, hurry up and make money.
44.好友谈恋爱两个月，网名改成”蓝色”。最近我才知道，蓝色直译为中文叫”不撸”。
44. A good friend has been dating for two months and changed her nickname to “Blue.” Recently, I found out that “Blue” directly translates to “No Masturbation” in Chinese.
45.你们现在谈恋爱已经晚了，大学就应该全身心读书。。。。。。这个问题。应该初中高中就解决了。
45. It’s too late for you guys to fall in love now; you should have focused entirely on studying in college… This issue should have been resolved in junior or senior high school.
46.未来要和我结婚的那位：也不知道你现在给谁谈恋爱呢。别给人家浪费感情了、找个时间咱俩认识一下呗。
46. To the person who will marry me in the future: I don’t know who you’re dating now. Don’t waste your feelings on them; find some time for us to get acquainted.
47.今天听到一个八岁的小姑娘唱，两只老虎，两只老虎，谈恋爱，谈恋爱。两只都是公的，两只都是公的，真变态，真变态。
47. Today, I heard an eight-year-old girl singing, “Two tigers, two tigers, in love, in love.” Both of them are male, both of them are male; how perverted, how perverted.
48.有时候觉得自己变丑了，拿出身份证一看，发现多虑了。
48. Sometimes I feel like I’ve become ugly, but when I take out my ID card, I realize I was worrying too much.
49.我谈过最长的恋爱，就是自恋，我爱自己，没有情敌。
49. The longest relationship I’ve ever had is with myself; I’m in love with myself, and there’s no rival in emotions.
50.要命的夏天来了，谁要是能给我们班教室装台空调，我们就把班主任嫁给他。
50. The deadly summer is coming; whoever can install an air conditioner in our classroom will get to marry our headteacher.
51.千万别跟我求婚，一求婚我就会答应。
51. Never propose to me, for I will accept if you do.
52.人生三愿：一是吃得下饭，二是睡得着觉，三是笑得出来。
52. My three wishes in life are: to be able to eat, to sleep soundly, and to laugh out loud.
53.我身在江湖，江湖却没有关于我的传说。
53. I am in the world of martial arts, yet there are no legends about me.
54.男女调情的时候，诞生了最具特色的汉字：凹凸。
54. When men and women flirt, the most characteristic Chinese character is created: “凹凸” (concave-convex).
55.早知道他不是好东西，就是忘了说了。
55. I knew he was no good, but I just forgot to mention it.
56.有一种人只做两件事：你成功了，他妒嫉你，你失败了，他笑话你。
56. There is a type of person who does only two things: they envy you when you succeed, and they mock you when you fail.
57.不怕神一样的哥们，就怕狗一样的朋友。
57. I’m not afraid of god-like friends, but I am afraid of dog-like friends.
58.这么不要脸，这么没心没肺，你的体重应该会很轻吧？
58. How can you be so shameless and heartless? Your weight should be very light, right?
59.路上见一车，车后贴着六个字：着急你飞过去。
59. I saw a car on the road with six characters on its back: “If you’re in a hurry, fly past me.”
60.我说过做人要低调。可你非要给我掌声和尖叫。
60. I said that one should be low-key, but you insist on giving me applause and screams.
61.女人是招商银行，男人则是建设银行。
61. Women are like the Merchants Bank, while men are like the Construction Bank.
62.低调闷骚的高调，高调被打的征兆。
62. A low-key person who shows off is a sign of being beaten up.
63.你要是鲜花，以后牛都不敢拉屎了。
63. If you were a flower, cows would be afraid to poop in the future.
64.女人装比那叫资本，男人装比那叫变态。
64. When women show off, it’s called capital; when men show off, it’s called perversion.
65.不怕喝敌敌畏，就怕开盖有惊喜，畅享多一瓶。
65. I’m not afraid of drinking DDT (a pesticide), but I’m afraid of the surprise inside the bottle – enjoy an extra bottle!
66.我一定要出现你家户口本上，做不了你老公，也做你小爹。
66. I must appear on your household registration book; if I can’t be your husband, I’ll be your father-in-law.
67.又帅又车，那是象棋，有钱有房，那是银行。
67. Being handsome and having a car – that’s chess; having money and a house – that’s the bank.
68.哥吸烟、是因为它伤肺，不伤心。
68. He smokes because it hurts the lungs, not the heart.
69.花有百样红，人与狗不同。
69. There are a hundred types of red in flowers, but people and dogs are different.
70.男人被甩，金钱问题，女人被甩，面貌问题，我被甩，你他妈脑袋有问题。
70. Men are dumped for money, women for looks, and I’m dumped because there’s something wrong with your damn head.
71.人生自古谁无死，哪个拉屎不用纸。
71. Since ancient times, who has not faced death? Who doesn’t use toilet paper when taking a dump?
72.人生就像大便，一旦冲走了，就不会再回来。
72. Life is like feces; once it’s flushed away, it won’t come back.
73.人长得漂亮不如活得漂亮！
73. It’s better to live beautifully than to be beautiful.
74.前途是光明的、道路是没有的。
74. The future is bright, but there is no road.
75.不想当神父的道士不是好和尚。
75. A Taoist who doesn’t want to be a priest is not a good monk.
76.不是人人都能活的低调，可以低调的基础是随时都能高调。
76. Not everyone can live a low-profile life; the basis for being low-key is the ability to be high-profile at any time.
77.不怕路远，就怕志短，不怕缓慢，就怕常站;不怕贫穷，就怕惰懒，不怕对手悍，就怕自己颤。
77. Don’t be afraid of long roads, but be afraid of short ambitions; don’t be afraid of slow progress, but be afraid of always standing still; don’t be afraid of poverty, but be afraid of laziness; don’t be afraid of tough opponents, but be afraid of trembling yourself.
78.逆风的方向，更适合飞翔。我不怕万人阻挡，只怕自己投降。
78. The direction against the wind is more suitable for flying. I’m not afraid of thousands of people blocking me, but I’m afraid of surrendering myself.
79.你想死呢、还是你不想活拉。
79. Do you want to die, or do you not want to live?
80.没有激情，爱就不会燃烧，没有友情，朋就不会满座，没有豪情，志就难于实现，没有心情，事就难于完成。
80. Without passion, love won’t burn; without friendship, friends won’t fill the seats; without ambition, it’s hard to achieve goals; without mood, tasks are hard to complete.
81.大事坚持原则，小事学会变通。
81. Stick to principles in major matters, and learn to be flexible in minor ones.
82.出门在外，老婆有交待，坐车莫坐第一排，菜夹不到站起来，喝酒别把胃喝坏，路边野花不要采，情人莫带屋里来。
82. When traveling outside, my wife told me: don’t sit in the front row of the bus, stand up if you can’t reach the food, don’t drink too much to damage your stomach, don’t pick wildflowers by the roadside, and don’t bring lovers home.
83.要说别人脑子有病，脑子有病的前提是必须有个脑子。
83. To say someone has a problem with their brain, they must have a brain as a prerequisite.
84.上帝给了我们七情六欲，我们却把它们变成了色情和暴力。
84. God gave us seven emotions and six desires, but we turned them into pornography and violence.
85.英雄不问出路，流氓不看岁数！
85. A hero doesn’t care about his origin, and a hooligan doesn’t care about his age!
86.从猴子变成人需要成千上万年，从人变回猴子只用一瓶酒。
86. It takes thousands of years for a monkey to become a human, but it only takes a bottle of alcohol for a human to become a monkey again.
87.看到有篇微博说道你自己是否愿意和自己谈恋爱。我纠结了很久，最后还是选择了不愿意。瞬间我再也不怪那些抛弃我的人了。
87. I saw a Weibo post asking if you would be willing to date yourself. I hesitated for a long time and finally chose not to. In an instant, I no longer blamed those who abandoned me.
88.你出来一下，我有事想跟你谈谈。”“谈什么?”“恋爱。”
88. “Come out for a moment, I want to talk to you.” “About what?” “About love.”
89.一个妇女从超市回来，忿忿地抱怨：”如果顾客永远是对的，为什么不是一切都免费。
89. A woman came back from the supermarket and complained angrily, “If the customer is always right, why isn’t everything free?”
90.春有百花秋有月，夏有凉风冬有雪。若无烦事挂心头，便是人间好时节。
90. In spring there are flowers, in autumn there is the moon, in summer there is a cool breeze, and in winter there is snow. If you don’t have any worries on your mind, it’s a good time in the world.
91.没有人能预测未来，所以总有人后悔当初。
91. No one can predict the future, so there are always people who regret their past.
92.只有不可替代，你才不会被炒掉，但一直不可替代，就不会被提拔。
92. Only if you are irreplaceable, you won’t be fired, but if you are always irreplaceable, you won’t be promoted.
93.春天来了，绿意盎然，他也来了，一身绿装！md，连帽子也是绿色的！
93. Spring is here, the greenery is abundant, and he is here too, dressed in green! Damn it, even his hat is green!
94.人们喜欢春风，厌恶寒风，其实寒风是无辜的，是温度在使坏！
94. People like the spring breeze and hate the cold wind, but the cold wind is innocent; it’s the temperature that’s causing trouble!
95.电脑是愤怒者的麦克风，深夜它传播着我们的骂声！
95. The computer is the microphone for the angry, spreading our curses in the deep night!
96.那个叫珍妮的女孩我不喜欢，我喜欢那个叫玛尼的！
96. I don’t like the girl named Jenny; I like the one named Manny!
97.一美女说：第一次牵我手的人是给我看手相的那个先生。
97. A beautiful woman said, “The first person who held my hand was the man who read my palm.”
98.不是你不滚，是我不够狠。
98. It’s not that you don’t leave; it’s just that I’m not ruthless enough.
99.老师本想对同学们说把掌声送给自己，可不小心说成把巴掌送给自己。说完，一同学”啪”“啪”就给了自己两耳光。
99. The teacher wanted to tell the students to give applause to themselves, but accidentally said to give slaps to themselves. After saying that, a student “pa” “pa” slapped themselves twice.
100.考题再复杂，终究没有我这心情复杂。
100. No matter how complicated the exam questions are, they are still not as complicated as my mood.
1.天上终不会掉陷饼，它只会掉陷阱。
1. The sky will never drop a pie, it will only drop traps.
2.眉毛上的汗水，眉毛下的泪水，你总得选一样。
2. Sweat on your eyebrows, tears under your eyebrows, you have to choose one.
3.思想就像内裤，要有，但不能逢人就证明你有。
3. Thoughts are like underwear; you have to have them, but you can’t prove it to everyone.
4.为什么你坐在那儿，看上去就像一个没写地址的信封？
4. Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without an address?
5.君子报仇，十年不晚，小人报仇，从早到晚。
5. A gentleman seeks revenge in ten years; a petty person seeks revenge from morning to night.
6.本来准备今年瘦成一道闪电，亮瞎你们的眼，不想竟然胖成了坚果墙，挡住了你们的视线。
6. I was planning to become a lightning bolt this year, dazzling your eyes, but I unexpectedly became a nut wall, blocking your view.
7.白色加白色就是黑色，因为双重否定就是肯定。
7. White plus white is black because a double negative is a positive.
8.我对你的感情就像雷锋对于穷人的怜悯。
8. My feelings for you are like Lei Feng’s compassion for the poor.
9.寂寞就是有人说话时，没人在听，有人在听时，你却没话说了！
9. Loneliness is when someone is talking, but no one is listening; when someone is listening, you have nothing to say!
10.比遇见一个泼妇更让人头痛的是……同时遇见两个泼妇。
10. Worse than encountering a shrew is… encountering two shrews at the same time.
11.我想把我的一生浓缩成一句笑话。
11. I want to condense my whole life into a joke.
12.如果跟导师讲不清楚，那么就把他搞胡涂吧！
12. If you can’t explain it to your mentor, just confuse him!
13.你不是黄蓉，你只是蝗虫，你为嘛要靖哥哥？你真不要脸。
13. You’re not Huang Rong; you’re just a locust. Why do you want Jingge? You’re really shameless.
14.让女孩变成女人是作为男人最基本的责任和义务。
14. Turning a girl into a woman is the most basic responsibility and obligation of a man.
15.女人无所谓正派，正派是因为受到的引诱不够，男人无所谓忠诚，忠诚是因为背叛的筹码太低。
15. Women are not inherently virtuous; they are virtuous because the temptation is not enough. Men are not inherently loyal; they are loyal because the cost of betrayal is too low.
16.你你你这个小妖精，令我中了你的爱情毒却迟迟不肯给我解药！小坏蛋！哦，我快要不行了！救救我吧！办法很简单：给我你的爱！
16. You little fairy, you’ve poisoned me with your love but refuse to give me the antidote! You little rascal! Oh, I can’t take it anymore! Save me! The solution is simple: give me your love!
17.感觉不到痛苦的爱情不是真正的爱情，感觉不到幸福的婚姻必是悲哀的婚姻。
17. Love without pain is not true love; a marriage without happiness must be a sad one.
18.穿着恒源祥的毛衣，提着脑白金的礼盒，拿着三精葡萄酸钙，嘬着太极急支糖浆，哪儿人多奔哪儿去这就算行为艺术了吧。
18. Wearing a sweater from Hengyuanxiang, carrying a gift box of Naobaijin, holding a bottle of Sanjing grape calcium, and sipping Taiji Zhizhu syrup - going where there are crowds is like performance art, isn’t it?
19.长大了，娶唐僧做老公，能玩就玩一玩，不能玩就把他吃掉。
19. When I grow up, I want to marry Tang Seng as a husband, play with him if I can, and eat him if I can’t.
20.不该看的不看，不该说的不说，不该听的不听，不该想的不想，该干什么干什么去。
20. Don’t look at what you shouldn’t, don’t say what you shouldn’t, don’t listen to what you shouldn’t, and don’t think about what you shouldn’t. Just do what you should be doing.
21.别跟我谈感情，谈感情伤钱。
21. Don’t talk to me about feelings; talking about feelings costs money.
22.爱情有时很像醉酒的感觉，头脑明明是清醒的，但行为就是不受控制。
22. Love sometimes feels like being drunk - the mind is clear, but the actions are uncontrollable.
23.别说一辈子，别说永远，谁能对未来承诺呢？我们能把握的，无非是当时当地的感情。但一辈子，也是无数个现在组成的，努力好了每个瞬间，也就是永远了。
23. Don’t say a lifetime, don’t say forever; who can promise the future? What we can grasp is just the feelings of the moment. But a lifetime is made up of countless moments, and if we work hard on each moment, it will be forever.
24.为中华而努力读书！一包中华好多钱啊！
24. Study hard for China! A pack of Zhonghua cigarettes costs a lot!
25.和谐校园里，骑自行车的也许是位博导，而开奔驰的则可能是个后勤。
25. In a harmonious campus, the person riding a bicycle might be a professor, while the one driving a Mercedes could be a logistician.
26.其实人活着的时候就是一个躯壳，死了就变成一堆骨灰。
26. In fact, when people are alive, they are just a shell; when they die, they become a pile of ashes.
27.我对你的心，比钻石还坚硬。。。。。。不会是心结石吧？
27. My heart for you is harder than a diamond… It’s not a heart stone, is it?
28.你发神经的时候，就像猪上树一样让人吃惊。
28. When you go crazy, it’s as surprising as a pig climbing a tree.
29.话说动物园有一只猴子，奇丑无比，人见人吐！第二天我去看了，我吐了！第三天你去了，猴子吐了！
29. It is said that there is a monkey in the zoo, so ugly that people vomit upon seeing it! The next day, I went to see it and I vomited! On the third day, when you went, the monkey vomited!
30.人生就像一块破铜烂铁，把它扔进火里，敲敲打打，也能炼出一副精品！
30. Life is like a piece of scrap metal; throw it into the fire, hammer and beat it, and you can still forge a fine piece!
31.完美的男友：不吸烟，不喝酒，不欺骗。不存在！
31. The perfect boyfriend: doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, and doesn’t cheat. He doesn’t exist!
32.一般般的我，一般般的亮。一般般的你，我看不上！
32. I’m just average, shining just a bit. You’re average too, but I can’t take my eyes off you!
33.地铁上的广告：挤吗？买辆车吧！出租车上的广告：赌吗？坐地铁吧！靠，忽悠我还是怎么着！
33. Subway advertisement: Crowded? Buy a car! Taxi advertisement: Gambling? Take the subway! Damn, are you kidding me or what?
34.知道高晓松为啥喝醉酒不？那是因为药家鑫想让他唱一首“同牢的你”。
34. Do you know why Gao Xiaosong gets drunk? It’s because Yao Jiaxin wants him to sing a song called “You in the Same Prison”.
35.今天MM的生日，为了第一个送上祝福，凌晨我准时拿起手机发了一条信息：沙发。
35. Today is MM’s birthday, and in order to be the first to send my wishes, I picked up my phone on time in the early morning and sent a message: Sofa.
36.靠山吃山，靠水吃水，今天抢劫，不许不给，谁要反抗，让他见鬼。
36. Live off the mountains if you’re near them, live off the water if you’re near a river, and today, no one is allowed to refuse my robbery! Whoever resists will meet their doom.
37.昨天是历史，今天是开始，明天谁都不好使！
37. Yesterday is history, today is the beginning, and tomorrow, no one can stop me!
38.最近神马开始变驴腿了，浮云变雨水了！
38. Recently, “what’s up” has started to become “donkey legs,” and “floating clouds” have turned into raindrops!
39.我只顾着往后看，却没有在意前面的路有多长。
39. I was only looking back, not paying attention to how long the road ahead was.
40.没有强大的主人，别以为你是狗就可以乱咬人！
40. Without a powerful master, don’t think you can bite people just because you’re a dog!
41.有心才会累，无心者无所谓。
41. Only those with a heart can be tired; those without a heart don’t care.
42.做男人的最高境界不是你去泡妞，而是让妞来泡你。
42. The highest state of being a man is not about chasing girls, but letting girls chase you.
43.要有多大的身躯，才能撑起您那龌龊的灵魂啊！
43. How big a body do you need to support your filthy soul?
44.你不能当饭吃，但没有你，我吃不下饭。
44. You can’t be my food, but without you, I can’t eat.
45.假如生活欺骗了我，那我也去欺骗生活。
45. If life deceives me, then I will deceive life as well.
46.你让我下不了台，我让你连上台的机会都没有。
46. You embarrassed me, and I’ll make sure you never get a chance to be on stage.
47.你住在我心里，你交房租了吗？
47. You live in my heart, have you paid the rent?
48.体育老师说：谁敢穿裙子上我的课，就罚她倒立！
48. The physical education teacher said: Whoever dares to wear a skirt to my class will be punished by doing a handstand!
49.最尴尬的莫过于和女友去民政局登记，工作人员竟是前女友。
49. The most embarrassing thing is to go to the civil affairs bureau with your girlfriend for registration, only to find out that the staff member is your ex-girlfriend.
50.不喜欢我，我就把你阉了做我妹。
50. If you don’t like me, I’ll castrate you and make you my sister.
51.我站在你的城府里大声叫到：哎哟！满深的啊！
51. I stand in your cunning plan and shout: Ouch! It’s so deep!
52.第三者不是后来的那个，而是不被深爱的那个。
52. The third person is not the one who comes later, but the one who is not deeply loved.
53.世界上最郁闷的事莫过于踩到自己拉的粑粑。
53. The most depressing thing in the world is stepping on your own poop.
54.穿别人的鞋走别人的路，让别人既找不到鞋又找不到路。
54. Wear other people’s shoes and walk their path, so they can’t find their shoes or their way.
55.姐不是蒙娜丽莎，不会对每个人都微笑。
55. I’m not the Mona Lisa, I won’t smile at everyone.
56.男人说喜欢你，只是喜欢你的身体罢了。
56. When a man says he likes you, he just likes your body.
57.世上男人千千万，实在不行天天换。
57. There are thousands of men in the world, if it doesn’t work out, change them every day.
58.牛B中的战斗机，贱人中的VIP。
58. The ultimate fighter in awesomeness, the VIP among bitches.
59.肖邦，你要能弹出劳资的悲伤，劳资就给你一块钱。
59. Chopin, if you can play my sadness, I’ll give you a dollar.
60.我们活着的大多数人，一辈子只做了三件事：自欺、欺人、被人欺。
60. Most of us who are alive have only done three things in our lives: deceive ourselves, deceive others, and be deceived.
61.我不怕喝敌敌畏，就怕开盖畅饮，再来一瓶。
61. I’m not afraid of drinking parathion, I’m afraid of opening the cap and getting another free bottle.
62.如果你是一朵花，那牛都不拉粪了。
62. If you were a flower, even cows wouldn’t poop.
63.你一出门千山鸟飞绝，万径人宗灭。
63. As soon as you step out the door, all the birds in the mountains fly away, and all the paths are deserted.
64.女人如衣服，但姐是你穿不出来的气质。
64. Women are like clothes, but I’m the temperament you can’t wear.
65.为了祖国的下一代，再丑都得谈恋爱，谈到世界充满爱。
65. For the sake of the next generation of our motherland, even if you’re ugly, you have to fall in love, and make the world full of love.
66.打算理发了，甩流海甩得头都崴了。
66. I’m planning to get a haircut, I’ve been flipping my bangs so much that my head is twisted.
67.我的兴趣爱好可分为静态和动态两种，静态就是睡觉，动态就是翻身。
67. My hobbies can be divided into static and dynamic, static is sleeping, dynamic is turning over.
68.刷牙是件悲喜交加的事，一手拿杯具，一手拿洗具。
68. Brushing teeth is a mixed joy and sorrow, one hand holding a tragedy, the other hand holding a comedy.
69.锄禾日当午，上学真幸苦，已进入学校，罚站一下午。
69. Hoeing the field under the midday sun, going to school is really tough. Once you’re in school, you might have to stand as punishment for the whole afternoon.
70.我平胸我骄傲，我为国家省布料。
70. I’m flat-chested, and I’m proud of it, for I save fabric for the country.
71.枕着打印机睡，就能打印出一整夜的梦吧？
71. If you sleep with a printer, can you print out an entire night of dreams?
72.系好安全带，前方也许有场爱情正等着你。
72. Fasten your seatbelt, as there might be a love waiting for you ahead.
73.小明：“爸爸我是不是傻孩子啊？”爸爸：“傻孩子，你怎么会是傻孩子呢？”
73. Xiao Ming: “Dad, am I a silly child?” Dad: “Silly child, how could you be a silly child?”
74.人生就像一场旅行，在乎的不是目的地。而是沿途的“NB”，以及对付“NB”时的心情！
74. Life is like a journey, not about the destination, but the “NB” along the way and the mood when dealing with the “NB”!
75.站在岁月的岸边，向自己的过往打个水漂吧……
75. Standing on the shore of time, let’s skip a stone across our past.
76.有时候老天下一场雨，是因为世界需要洗一洗，有时候眼睛下雨了，是因为心需要洗一洗！
76. Sometimes the heavens rain because the world needs a wash, and sometimes eyes rain because the heart needs a wash.
77.我是穷人，请勿盗墓！
77. I am poor, so please do not rob my grave!
78.别以为你比我年轻，你就能多蹦跶几天，棺材装的是死人不是老人！
78. Don’t think you can bounce around more just because you’re younger than me; the coffin carries the dead, not the old!
79.名人名言，你得先是名人了那才是名言，别人的屁都是名屁！你能比吗？
79. A celebrity’s words become famous only when the person is famous. Even their farts are famous farts! Can you compare?
80.哥是文明人，所有脏话均已使用唾液消毒。
80. I am a civilized person, and all dirty words have been disinfected with saliva.
81.如果我死了，我的第一句话是：老子终于不用怕鬼了。
81. If I die, my first sentence will be: I’m finally not afraid of ghosts anymore.
82.我这一生一共做错两件事，其一是生出来，另一是活下去。
82. In my life, I’ve made two mistakes: being born and living on.
83.别在我面前摆POSE，我真怕忍不住想摔相机。
83. Don’t pose in front of me; I’m really afraid I’ll be tempted to drop the camera.
84.和你分手，因为，你连牵手都不配！
84. I broke up with you because you don’t even deserve to hold hands!
85.有一天小三哭了，因为出现了小四！
85. One day, the mistress cried because the fourth party appeared!
86.瘦出一张小脸，省了多少化妆品啊。
86. Having a slim face saves so much makeup.
87.走人民币的路，让人民无路可走！
87. Take the path of the Chinese currency, and leave the people with no way to go!
88.分手多没意思，有本事咱俩玩离婚！
88. Breaking up is so boring; if you have the guts, let’s play at getting a divorce!
89.吉尼斯纪录：全世界最大的茶几面积为960万平方千米，可放置13亿杯具。
89. Guinness Record: The world’s largest coffee table has an area of 9.6 million square kilometers, which can accommodate 1.3 billion cups.
90.自爱，必先自私，唯有自私，才能大爱。
90. To love oneself, one must first be selfish; only by being selfish can one achieve great love.
91.一些人，总要出卖他所有的，去换取他所没有的。
91. Some people always have to sell everything they have in exchange for what they don’t have.
92.在学校是那钱混日子，现在是拿日子混钱！
92. In school, it’s spending money to pass the days; now, it’s spending days to make money!
93.考试考得好，全靠同桌好。
93. I got a good grade in the exam, all thanks to my deskmate.
94.本人鄙视那些，常用表情聊天的人。
94. I despise those who often use emojis to chat.
95.执子之手，将子拖走，子若不走，拍晕了继续拖走！
95. Holding your hand, I’ll drag you away; if you don’t leave, I’ll knock you out and keep dragging you!
96.自从得了精神病，整个人都精神多了。
96. Ever since I got mental illness, I’ve become more energetic.
97.我没时间去讨厌那些讨厌我的人，因为我在忙着爱那些爱着我的人。
97. I don’t have time to hate those who hate me because I’m busy loving those who love me.
98.上床这么纯洁的事情，别被爱情玷污了。
98. Sleeping together is such a pure thing, don’t let love defile it.
99.有些话，你想说自然会说，不想说，听到的也只是假话。
99. Some words, if you want to say them, you’ll say them naturally; if not, all you hear are lies.
100.因为我什么都不怕，所以我什么都不能输。
100. Because I’m not afraid of anything, I can’t lose at anything.
微信搞笑说说，QQ空间搞笑说说
WeChat funny status, QQ Space funny status
1.今天心情不好，我只有四句话想说，包括这句和前面的两句，我的话说完了。
1. I’m in a bad mood today, and I have only four sentences to say, including this one and the two previous ones. I’ve finished my speech.
2.苹果最光荣的一刻就是砸在了牛顿的头上。
2. The most glorious moment for an apple was when it hit Newton’s head.
3.我不需要你理解，只需要你闭嘴。
3. I don’t need you to understand, I just need you to shut up.
4.好久没有人把牛皮吹的这么清新脱俗了！
4. It’s been a long time since someone has boasted so refreshing and unconventional!
5.要不是老师说不能乱扔垃圾，不然我早把你扔出去了。
5. If the teacher didn’t say not to litter, I would have thrown you out long ago.
6.傻与不傻，要看你会不会装傻。
6. Being silly or not depends on whether you know how to pretend to be silly.
7.偷吃不是我的错，是我嘴巴的寂寞。
7. It’s not my fault for sneaking food; it’s just my mouth’s loneliness.
8.我不是优乐美，我只是敌敌畏，你想把我捧在手心么。
8. I’m not a delightful person; I’m just a DDT insecticide. Do you want to hold me in the palm of your hand?
9.老板，有没有可乐？给我拿瓶雪碧……
9. Boss, do you have any cola? Give me a bottle of Sprite…
10.我觉得地球好危险，我想火星了。
10. I think Earth is dangerous; I miss Mars.
11.哪家的名门之后啊，你爹是天蓬元帅啊！
11. Whose prestigious family are you from? Is your father Marshal Tian Peng?
12.水壶啊，你为什么哭泣，是因为屁股太烫了吗？
12. Kettle, why are you crying? Is it because your bottom is too hot?
13.风刮的真大，把我移动的手机信号都刮成联通的啦！
13. The wind is so strong that it has changed my mobile signal from Mobile to Unicom!
14.熬夜，是因为没有勇气结束这一天，赖床，是因为没有勇气开始这一天。
14. Staying up late is because I don’t have the courage to end the day; staying in bed is because I don’t have the courage to start the day.
15.我不但手气好，脚气也不错。
15. Not only do I have good luck in my hands, but my feet are also quite smelly.
16.每次临时抱佛脚的时候，佛总是给我一脚。
16. Every time I rely on Buddha at the last minute, Buddha always kicks me.
17.他人笑我看不穿，我笑他人啥也不穿。
17. Others laugh at me for not seeing through things; I laugh at others for not wearing anything.
18.人如果靠吃饭活着，那饭不叫饭，叫饲料。
18. If people live by eating, then that food is not called food, but called feed.
19.昨晚我拿你的承诺去喂狗，第二天早上发现狗死了。
19. Last night, I fed your promise to the dog, and the next morning I found the dog dead.
20.每次写简历都会比以前更敬佩自己一些。
20. Every time I write a resume, I admire myself more than before.
21.你眼里的高压电，足够让我的手机用一年。
21. The high voltage in your eyes is enough to power my phone for a year.
22.别以为你长的稀有样我们就应该物以稀为贵。
22. Don’t think that just because you look rare, we should value you as a rare treasure.
23.青春啊，你太痘了！
23. Youth, you’re too full of acne!
24.每个宿舍都有一个磨牙的，一个说梦话的，一个打呼噜的，一个睡很晚的。
24. In every dormitory, there is a person who grinds their teeth, one who talks in their sleep, one who snores, and one who sleeps very late.
25.师太，批上老纳的袈纱后，你就是老纳的人了。
25. Master, after putting on my cassock, you will be mine.
26.如果说剪掉头发就是剪掉回忆，那我剪成光头是不是可以失忆？
26. If cutting off my hair means cutting off memories, would shaving my head make me amnesiac?
27.本想华丽的转身，不料低调的撞墙。
27. I wanted to make a gorgeous turn, but unexpectedly, I bumped into the wall in a low-key manner.
28.春天我把男朋友种进地里，到了秋天，我就把这茬给忘了。
28. In spring, I planted my boyfriend in the ground; by autumn, I had completely forgotten about it.
29.我对着镜子说，镜子，镜子，我是不是这个世界上最美丽的，镜子碎了。
29. I said to the mirror, “Mirror, mirror, am I the most beautiful in the world?” The mirror shattered.
30.世界上两件事最难：一是把自己的思想装进别人的脑袋，二是把别人的钱装进自己的口袋。前者成功了叫老师，后者成功了叫老板，两者都成功了可以叫老婆或大学或教堂！
30. The two hardest things in the world are: one, putting your thoughts into someone else’s mind; two, putting someone else’s money into your pocket. If the former succeeds, you are called a teacher; if the latter succeeds, you are called a boss; if both succeed, you can be called a wife, a university, or a church!
31.我不是那种落井下石的人，我是直接把井封了。
31. I’m not the kind of person who kicks you when you’re down; I just seal the well.
32.百度搜不到你，只好进搜狗！
32. I can’t find you on Baidu, so I have to use Sogou!
33.你长得如此多娇，引无数瞎子竞折腰。
33. You are so delicate and charming that countless blind men are competing to break their backs for you.
34.经常会从梦中惊醒，因为做了一个饿梦，好饿好饿的梦。
34. I often wake up from my dreams because I had a hungry dream, so hungry, so hungry.
35.男人被甩，金钱问题，女人被甩，面貌问题，我被甩，你他妈脑袋有问题。
35. When a man is dumped, it’s a money issue; when a woman is dumped, it’s a face issue; when I’m dumped, you have a fucking problem in your head.
36.如果你活着，早晚都会死，如果你死了，你就永远活着。
36. If you’re alive, you’ll die sooner or later; if you’re dead, you’ll live forever.
37.你玩你的自定义、我玩我的格式化。
37. You play your custom, I play my format.
38.小姐，对不起，我长得不帅。但不是每个女人都有机会。
38. Excuse me, miss, I’m not handsome. But not every woman has the opportunity.
39.不是哥迷恋传说，只是传说太美。
39. It’s not that I’m infatuated with legends; it’s just that the legends are too beautiful.
40.哥只不过是个局，而你却入了迷。
40. I’m just a game, but you’re captivated.
41.不要迷恋哥，嫂子才是传说。
41. Don’t be infatuated with me; your sister-in-law is the legend.
42.又帅又车，那是象棋，有钱有房，那是银行。
42. Handsome and a car, that’s chess; rich and a house, that’s a bank.
43.上帝创造了处女，我创造了妇女。
43. God created virgins; I created women.
44.放眼过去全是货，老妹你想跟谁过。
44. Looking around, there are all kinds of goods; little sister, who do you want to be with?
45.别拿你弹视频的速度，来挑战哥拉黑的技术。
45. Don’t challenge my black-listing skills with your video-calling speed.
46.狐狸不是妖、性感不是骚。
46. Foxes are not demons; sexiness is not coquetry.
47.各种姿势，各种招。各种澎湃，各种飘。
47. Various poses, various moves. Various excitement, various floating.
48.喊疼的不一定是处女，但勾引男人的一定是婊子。
48. The one who cries out in pain is not necessarily a virgin, but the one who seduces men is definitely a slut.
49.女人混的好、是嫂子，混不好，是婊子。
49. A woman who gets along well is a sister-in-law, but if she doesn’t, she’s a slut.
50.小鸟虽小，可它玩的确是整个天空。
50. Though a little bird is small, it plays with the entire sky.
51.黄瓜必须拍，人生必须嗨。
51. Cucumbers must be smashed, and life must be lively.
52.爱情不过是寂寞时、扯把美丽的犊子。
52. Love is just a beautiful lie when one is lonely.
53.距离产生的不是美，而是第三者。
53. Distance does not create beauty, but rather a third party.
54.小三的威力、一般人貌似抵挡不住。
54. The power of a mistress seems to be irresistible for ordinary people.
55.每个女人总会为某一个男人而下贱。
55. Every woman will eventually stoop for a certain man.
56.人生就像打电话，不是你先挂，就是我先挂！
56. Life is like making a phone call; either you hang up first, or I do!
57.人不可貌相，小三不可斗量。
57. One should not judge a book by its cover, and one should not underestimate a mistress.
58.货有过期日，人有看腻时。你在我心里，能牛逼几时。
58. Goods have an expiration date, and people have a time when they grow tired of looking. How long can you be amazing in my heart?
59.当有人在装酷时，姐都会低下头。不是姐修养好，姐只是在找砖头。
59. When someone is acting cool, I lower my head. It’s not because I have good manners, but because I’m looking for a brick.
60.年少时的你我因为没有学好爱情这门功课而变出了错误百出的答卷。
60. In our youth, you and I made countless mistakes in the exam of love because we didn’t learn it well.
61.感情的傻子，不会介意爱一个疯子。
61. A fool in love won’t mind loving a madman.
62.如果世界上真的有像小说里一样的男主角，那世界，就真的玄幻了！
62. If there really were male protagonists like in novels, the world would be truly fantastical!
63.如果我的考试成绩能像房价涨得那么快，那么这个世界该有多可爱。
63. If my exam scores could rise as fast as housing prices, how lovely the world would be.
64.广告看的好好的，突然蹦出个电视剧来…郁闷…
64. I was watching a commercial just fine when suddenly a TV drama popped up… So frustrating…
65.世上最美的事，就是吃饱了睡觉有空调。
65. The most beautiful thing in the world is to eat your fill, sleep, and have air conditioning.
66.胸大未必嫁潘安，胸小也能钓彦祖。
66. Big breasts don’t necessarily marry Pan An, and small chests can still hook Yan Zu.
67.整天看《还珠格格》，我都有点同情容嬷嬷了。
67. After watching “My Fair Princess” all day long, I feel a bit sympathetic towards Rong Ma.
68.空山新雨后，自挂东南枝，欲穷千里目，自挂东南枝，天生我材必有用，各种自挂东南枝。
68. After the rain in the empty mountains, I hang myself on the southeast branch; to see a thousand miles, I hang myself on the southeast branch; I am born with talents that must be useful, hanging myself on the southeast branch in various ways.
69.上课可以治疗同学们的失眠。
69. Attending class can cure classmates’ insomnia.
70.被傻子喜欢也是总炫耀。
70. Being liked by a fool is also a reason to show off.
71.似花似水似你妈，倾国倾城倾你爸。
71. Like a flower, like water, like your mom; captivating the country, captivating the city, captivating your dad.
72.我厌恶骨子里的优柔寡断。
72. I despise the indecision ingrained in one’s nature.
73.私奔的缩写是SB，AV在键盘后面跟的还是SB。
73. The abbreviation for eloping is SB, and AV followed by SB on the keyboard.
74.今天吃饭前照常看了一下菜，天啊！今天没有肉。
74. Before eating today, I checked the dishes as usual, oh my god! There’s no meat today.
75.我算不算个性，当然。
75. Am I unique? Of course.
76.你抓着你的鸡爪指着我干嘛知不知道我喜欢泡椒味的不喜欢人渣味的。
76. Why are you pointing at me with your chicken claws? Don’t you know I like the taste of pickled peppers, not the taste of scum.
77.上学最开心听到的一句话就是：今天班主任不在。
77. The happiest thing to hear at school is: The headteacher is not here today.
78.每次你说我不够独立的时候、我都选择沉默。我很想告诉你、当我不再依赖你、就是你该滚的时候了。
78. Every time you say I’m not independent enough, I choose to be silent. I really want to tell you that when I no longer rely on you, it’s time for you to leave.
79.男人最大的本事，就是把自己的女朋友放纵到别的男人都受不了。
79. A man’s greatest skill is to indulge his girlfriend so much that no other man can stand her.
80.别要不要分白天黑夜的在我面前犯贱。
80. Don’t be shameless in front of me, whether it’s day or night.
81.生活就像新闻联播，不是换台就能逃避的了的。
81. Life is like the news broadcast, which cannot be escaped by changing channels.
82.我是个特别的人，我是个平凡的人，所以我是个特别平凡的人。
82. I am a special person, I am an ordinary person, so I am a particularly ordinary person.
83.妈妈说：就算吃醋也要装的跟喝了酱油似的，不能让别人瞧不起。
83. Mom said: Even if you are jealous, you should pretend as if you just drank soy sauce, and not let others look down on you.
84.车道山前必有路，有路我也刹不住。
84. There must be a way when the road is blocked by a mountain, but even if there is a way, I can’t stop.
85.在野外遇到蛇怎么办？不要惊慌，面带温润的笑容撑起一把伞，假装是许仙。
85. What to do if you encounter a snake in the wild? Don’t panic, put on a gentle smile, hold up an umbrella, and pretend to be Xu Xian.
86.昨天去市里参加放鸽子比赛，结果就我一个人去了。
86. Yesterday, I went to the city to participate in a pigeon racing competition, but I was the only one who went.
87.吃，我所欲也，瘦，亦我所欲也，二者不可得兼，我了个去也。
87. Eating is what I desire, being thin is also what I desire, but I cannot have both, so I’m off.
88.别以为我长的帅就认为我遥不可及高不可攀，其实我是海纳百川啊。
88. Don’t think that just because I’m handsome, I’m unapproachable and lofty. Actually, I’m as inclusive as the ocean.
89.有的人活着，她已经死了。有的人活着，他早该死了！
89. Some people are alive, but they’re already dead. Some people are alive, but they should have died long ago!
90.爱我，就给我穿上婚纱，然后再亲手扒光。
90. If you love me, put me in a wedding dress and then take it off with your own hands.
91.避孕的效果：不成功，便成“人”。
91. The effectiveness of contraception: if it fails, it becomes a “person.”
92.谢你抢了我对象，让我知道他是人模狗样。
92. Thanks for stealing my partner, it made me realize he’s just a good-for-nothing.
93.我未来的女朋友，现在在和谁谈恋爱？
93. My future girlfriend, who is she dating now?
94.世界上的脑残这么多，可是你却成了其中的佼佼者。
94. There are so many idiots in the world, but you’ve become the cream of the crop.
95.淑女就是未进化的比卡丘。绅士就是披着羊毛的狼。
95. A lady is an unevolved Pikachu. A gentleman is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
96.还没来得急沾花捻草，就已经被别人拔光了。
96. I haven’t even had the chance to flirt, and someone else has already taken all the flowers.
97.当初我看上你，因为我脑子进水了，现在我脑子抖干了。
97. I was attracted to you because I had water on the brain; now my brain is dried up.
98.你讲我坏话时能不能别添油加醋，以为炒菜啊。
98. When you gossip about me, can you stop exaggerating, thinking you’re stir-frying?
99.没钱的时候，在家里吃野菜，有钱的时候，在酒店吃野菜。
99. When I have no money, I eat wild vegetables at home; when I have money, I eat wild vegetables at the hotel.
100.俺从不写措字，但俺写通假字！
100. I never write wrong characters, but I do write pseudo-characters!
让你笑得肚子疼的搞笑句子
Funny sentences that make you laugh so hard your stomach hurts:
1.每当我找到了成功的钥匙，就有人把所给换了。
1. Every time I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
2.借朋友的车开，朋友说还的时候要给车加油。还车时，我冲车鼓了鼓掌。
2. I borrowed a friend’s car, and they said to fill it up with gas when returning it. When I returned the car, I clapped for it.
3.给我一个女人，我可以创造一个民族，给我一瓶酒，我可以带领他们征服全世界！
3. Give me a woman, and I can create a nation; give me a bottle of wine, and I can lead them to conquer the world!
4.生下来的人没有怕死的，怕死的都没生下来，所以谁都别装横！
4. No one is born afraid of death; those who are afraid of death never made it into the world, so don’t act tough!
5.如果考试用QB做奖励，那么国家马上就会富强的。
5. If exams rewarded with QB, the country would become strong and prosperous immediately.
6.大哥，把你脸上的分辨率调低点好吗？
6. Big brother, could you please lower the resolution of your face?
7.天塌下来你顶着，我垫着！
7. If the sky falls, I’ll hold it up while you support it!
8.“特别能吃苦”这个字，我想了想，我只做到了前四个。
8. “Especially able to endure hardship” - after thinking about it, I’ve only managed the first four characters.
9.初恋无限好，只是挂得早。
9. First love is infinitely wonderful, but it just doesn’t last long.
10.敬告各位家长：请不要骂自己的孩子是“小兔崽子”，因为从遗传学的角度讲，这对你们自己是非常不利的。
10. A warning to all parents: Please do not call your children “little rabbits,” because from a genetic perspective, it is very unfavorable to you.
11.谁骂我傻B我跟谁好，我就喜欢和B交朋友。
11. If anyone calls me a fool, I’ll be friends with them; I just like making friends with fools.
12.世界上最远的距离不是你我天各一方，而是同窗不同房。
12. The farthest distance in the world is not you and I being in different places, but being classmates in different rooms.
13.因为我掏心掏肺的去爱你，所以我只能没心没肺的放弃你。
13. Because I loved you with all my heart, I can only heartlessly give you up.
14.过去一直喜欢她的胸怀宽广，其实那也无非是一片飞机场！
14. I used to like her for her broad-mindedness, but in reality, it was nothing more than an airport!
15.自从我变成了狗屎，就再也没有人踩在我头上了。
15. Ever since I became dog feces, no one has stepped on me anymore.
16.承诺，就像放屁，当时惊天动地，过后苍白无力。
16. Promises are like farts; they’re earth-shattering at the time, but afterwards, they’re powerless.
17.你若废我现在，我必废你将来。
17. If you ruin me now, I will definitely ruin your future.
18.腾讯的“正在输入”，给了多少人希望，又给了多少人失望。
18. Tencent’s “Typing” gives hope to how many people, and disappointment to how many others.
19.上联：学生证准考证身份证证证没带下联：听力题阅读题作文题题题不做横批：重在参与。
19. Upper couplet: Student ID, exam ID, ID card - never bring them; Lower couplet: Listening, reading, composition questions - never do them; Horizontal couplet: Focus on participation.
20.女人分结婚与不结婚两种，男人分自愿结婚与被迫结婚两种。
20. Women are divided into two categories: married and unmarried; men are divided into two categories: voluntarily married and forcibly married.
21.天苍苍、地茫茫、物价不断长。买的起车，加不起油，公交还挺忙，有车一族终成伤。挣不来钱去买房，美女在上涨，价位不可挡，凭俺的收入，今生无希望，独叹空悲对月流，清风吹落泪两行!
21. The sky is vast, the earth is boundless, and prices keep rising. Can afford a car but not the fuel; public transport is still busy. The car owners become the injured. Can’t earn money to buy a house, beautiful women are on the rise, prices unstoppable. With my income, no hope in this life. Sighing alone, tears streaming down in the moonlight, the breeze blows two rows of tears!
22.结婚当然是件好事，上瘾就麻烦了。
22. Marriage is certainly a good thing, but getting addicted to it is troublesome.
23.江山如画皮，人生如梦遗。
23. The landscape is like a painting, life is like a forgotten dream.
24.不要说别人脑子有病，脑子有病的前提是必须有个脑子。
24. Don’t say others have brain problems; having brain problems presupposes that one must have a brain.
25.不蒸馒头争口气行吗?
25. Can we fight for our dignity without steaming buns?
26.不要乐观的像个屁一样，自以为能惊天动地。
26. Don’t be so optimistic like a fart, thinking you can shake the heavens and move the earth.
27.步步高打火机，哪里不会点哪里。
27. Step by step, light up wherever you don’t know.
28.男人不能惯，越惯越混蛋。女人就得宠，越宠越有种，还是别人的。
28. Men should not be spoiled, the more they are spoiled, the more they become jerks. Women should be pampered, the more they are pampered, the more they have a certain charm, but they still belong to others.
29.穿的一个比一个危险，长得一个比一个安全
29. The way they dress is more dangerous than the last, but the way they look is safer than the last.
30.春色满园关不住，我诱红杏出墙来。
30. The spring scenery in the garden cannot be contained, I lure the red apricot to climb over the wall.
31.到处都有痛苦，而比痛苦更为持久且尖利伤人的是，到处都有抱有期望的等待。
31. Pain is everywhere, but what is more enduring and sharp than pain is the expectation of waiting everywhere.
32.和你擦肩而过你却不知道是我，因为我把头扭过去了。
32. I passed by you, but you didn’t know it was me because I turned my head away.
33.即使有人骂我神经病，我也会坚强的抬起头蔑视的对他说“你难道和我一个医院的?
33. Even if someone calls me a lunatic, I will still raise my head strongly and look down on him, saying, “Are you from the same hospital as me?”
34.戒烟容易，戒你太难!
34. Quitting smoking is easy, but quitting you is too hard!
35.考试时，本想要咸鱼翻锅的，他奶奶的，没想到粘锅了。
35. During the exam, I wanted to turn the salted fish, but it got stuck to the pan.
36.没有人在世界上能够“弃”你，除非你自己自暴自弃。因为我们是属于自己的，并不属于他人。
36. No one in the world can “abandon” you unless you give up on yourself. Because we belong to ourselves, not to others.
37.从前有人在我空间里跑堂，不到两秒钟，嘎的一下就死了。
37. Once, someone ran through my space, and in less than two seconds, they suddenly died.
38.大部分人一辈子只做三件事：自欺、欺人被人欺。
38. Most people do three things in their lives: deceive themselves, deceive others, and be deceived.
39.你的年龄有多大，我不关心。我想知道，为了爱，为了梦，为了生机勃勃的奇遇，你是否愿意像傻瓜一样冒险?
39. I don’t care how old you are. I want to know, for love, for dreams, for vibrant adventures, would you be willing to take risks like a fool?
40.顾客不是上帝，顾客只是上当。
40. Customers are not God, customers are just deceived.
41.我的未来不是梦，我的未来是噩梦。
41. My future is not a dream, my future is a nightmare.
42.我认为我颓废，原来我报废了!
42. I thought I was decadent, but it turns out I was scrapped!
43.我心眼儿有些小，但是不缺，我脾气很好，但不是没有!
43. My mind is a little small, but it’s not missing. I have a good temper, but it’s not non-existent!
44.我也曾有过一双翅膀，不过我没用它在天上翱翔，而是放在锅里炖汤。
44. I once had a pair of wings, but instead of using them to soar in the sky, I put them in a pot to make soup.
45.夏天就是不好，穷的时候我连西北风都没得喝。
45. Summer is not good, when I’m poor, I don’t even have the northwest wind to drink.
46.现在再找白马王子，你out了，现在都找宝马王子。
46. Now, looking for a prince on a white horse is outdated; people look for princes with BMWs now.
47.一时的冲动，子孙的危机!
47. A moment of impulse, a crisis for future generations!
48.用一颗滚烫的心，可以换一个结果。用钞票却可以随意改变这个结果。
48. With a passionate heart, you can change the outcome. With money, you can change the outcome at will.
49.有钱就败家，没钱就拜神。
49. Spend money when you have it, and worship the gods when you don’t.
50.有一个很古老的传说，说是在北邮校园内能看到美女的人会长生不老。
50. There is an ancient legend that those who can see beautiful women in the North邮 campus will live forever.
51.原来只要是分开了的人，不论原来多么熟悉，也会慢慢变得疏远。
51. It turns out that once people are separated, no matter how familiar they were, they will gradually become distant.
52.早起的鸟儿有虫吃，早起的虫儿被鸟吃!
52. The early bird catches the worm, but the early worm gets eaten by the bird!
53.种草不让人去躺，不如改种仙人掌!
53. If you don’t allow people to lie on the grass, it’s better to plant cacti instead!
54.众里寻她千百度，蓦然回首，那人却在结婚登记处。
54. After searching for her for thousands of times in the crowd, suddenly looking back, she is at the marriage registration office.
55.作为失败的典型，你实在是太成功了。
55. As a typical failure, you are too successful.
56.我们节省的时间愈多，供我们浪费的时间就愈多。
56. The more time we save, the more time we have to waste.
57.聪明的人，借助经验说话，更聪明的人，根据经验不说话。
57. Wise people speak based on experience, and even wiser people remain silent according to their experience.
58.梦想太容易实现就不是梦想了，但没有梦想，现实就是一片漆黑。
58. Dreams that are too easy to achieve are not dreams; without dreams, reality is pitch black.
59.多时叫心计，很多时叫心机。
59. A little cunning is called strategy, and too much cunning is called scheming.
60.失落，就是因为你老在和别人比较。
60. Disappointment comes from constantly comparing yourself to others.
61.出淤泥而不染，再扎回淤泥，还不染。
61. Emerging unstained from the mud, and returning to the mud, still unstained.
62.人间正道是沧桑，活的不要太嚣张。
62. The right path in life is full of vicissitudes; don’t live too arrogantly.
63.如果你年轻却不激进，那么你就是个没心的人，如果你老了却不保守，那么你就是个没脑的人。
63. If you are young and not radical, you are heartless; if you are old and not conservative, you are brainless.
64.如今这社会，女的照相照胸，男的照相照车谁知道胸是不是挤的，车是不是你的。
64. In today’s society, women take photos of their breasts, and men take photos of their cars. Who knows if the breasts are squeezed or if the cars are really yours?
65.你肺活量是多少啊，能把牛B吹的这么大。
65. How much lung capacity do you have to blow such a big牛皮 (Bullshit)?
66.本无意与众不同，怎奈何品味出众。
66. I didn’t intend to be different, but my taste is outstanding.
67.闭上眼睛，我看到了我的前途。
67. Close your eyes, and I see my future.
68.不怕虎一样的敌人，就怕猪一样的队友!
68. It’s not the enemy like a tiger that scares me, but the teammate like a pig!
69.出生时你哭着，所有都笑着，离去时你笑着，所有都哭着。
69. When you are born, you cry while everyone else laughs; when you leave, you laugh while everyone else cries.
70.穿别人的鞋，走自己的路，让他们打的找去吧。
70. Wear other people’s shoes and walk your own path, let them chase after you.
71.多多关注三峡在线，便可分享更多经典盘点。
71. Pay more attention to Three Gorges Online, and you can share more classic reviews.
72.路见不平一声吼，吼完继续往前走。
72. If you see injustice on the road, shout out, and then continue to move forward.
73.你那么喜欢劈腿，怎么不去跳芭蕾舞。
73. You like cheating so much, why don’t you go dance ballet?
74.女人先表现自己大方，男人就不敢小气。
74. When a woman shows her generosity first, men dare not be stingy.
75.卧梅又闻花，卧枝伤恨低。邀闻卧石碎，卧湿达春绿。
75. Lying on the plum branch, I smell the flowers; the broken branch fills me with sorrow. I hear the sound of the shattered stone, and lying in the dampness, I feel the green of spring.
76.人生不能像做菜、把所有的料都准备好才下锅。
76. Life cannot be like cooking; you can’t prepare all the ingredients before starting to cook.
77.如果你容不下我，不是你的心胸太狭小，就是我的人格太伟大。
77. If you can’t tolerate me, either your mind is too narrow, or my personality is too great.
78.铁杵能磨成针，但木杵只能磨成牙签，材料不对，再努力也没用。
78. An iron rod can be ground into a needle, but a wooden rod can only be ground into a toothpick. If the material is not right, no effort will help.
79.听说女人如衣服，兄弟如手足。回想起来，我竟然七手八脚的裸奔了20年!
79. I heard that a woman is like clothes, and a brother is like hands and feet. Looking back, I’ve been running around naked with eight hands and feet for 20 years!
80.我不是随便的人，我随便起来不是人。
80. I am not a casual person, but when I am casual, I am not human.
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