1.谁说我白，瘦，漂亮，我就跟他做好朋友。
1. Whoever says I am fair, thin, and beautiful, I will be best friends with him.
2.洗澡中，请勿打扰，偷窥请购票，个体四十，团体八折！
2. In the shower, do not disturb, peeping is allowed with a ticket, individuals 40, group 20% off!
3.师太，你等着，老衲去让佛祖赐婚！
3. Wait, my dear nun, I shall ask the Buddha for a blessing in marriage!
4.我太纯洁了，我纯洁的都有些无耻了！
4. I am so pure that I am almost shameless.
5.穿潮了，潮过头就是非主流，穿性感，性感过头就是坐台的。
5. Dressing trendy, too much is non-mainstream; dressing sexy, too much is like being an escort.
6.我的进步让他刮目相看，从此他失去了双眼。
6. My progress made him lose his sight in admiration, and he lost his eyes ever since.
7.我说我比较喜欢李白的诗，陆游气坏了，然后我家就没法上网了。
7. I said I prefer Li Bai’s poetry, Lu You got angry, and then I couldn’t access the internet at home.
8.心狠手辣的我，舔了一下自己的手指，被辣哭了。
8. As ruthless as I am, I licked my own finger and cried from the spiciness.
9.老师的教诲，小明没齿难忘，于是第二天，他镶了一副假牙。
9. The teachings of the teacher, Xiao Ming never forgot, so the next day, he got a set of dentures.
10.愚公临死前，把儿子叫到床前。愚公：移山移山!儿子：亮晶晶?愚公猝
10. On his deathbed, Yu Gong called his son over. Yu Gong: “Move the mountain, move the mountain!” Son: “Twinkle, twinkle?” Yu Gong passed away.
11.如果考试用QB做奖励，那么国家马上就会富强的。
11. If exams used QB as rewards, the country would become strong and prosperous immediately.
12.今天天气很好，在房间里宅久了，准备去客厅散散心。
12. The weather is nice today, after staying in the room for so long, I’m going to the living room to relax.
13.提问：为什么暑假一定比寒假长?回答：因为热胀冷缩。
13. Question: Why is summer vacation always longer than winter vacation? Answer: Because of thermal expansion and contraction.
14.心情不好的时候，我就半夜给别人打骚扰电话，把他们吵醒了，我就睡觉。
14. When I’m in a bad mood, I call others in the middle of the night to disturb their sleep, and then I go to bed.
15.一直对发型不满意的人，有一个共同点:不肯承认这是脸的问题。
15. People who are never satisfied with their hairstyles have one thing in common: they refuse to admit it’s a face issue.
16.我把所有的记忆串联成一部电影，一部悲剧就生产了。
16. I’ve strung all my memories together into a movie, and a tragedy is born.
17.都说姐漂亮，其实都是妆出来的。
17. They say I’m beautiful, but it’s all thanks to makeup.
18.挨饿这事，干得好就叫减肥;掐人这事，干得好就叫按摩;发呆这事，干得好就叫深沉;偷懒这事，干得好就叫享受;死皮赖脸这事，干得好就叫执著;装傻这事，如果干的好，那叫大智若愚。
18. Starving can be called dieting if done well; pinching can be called massage if done well; daydreaming can be called deep thinking if done well; being lazy can be called enjoying life if done well; being shameless can be called persistence if done well; acting foolish, if done well, is called acting wise in folly.
19.友情就像花瓶一样，被人一捣鼓就碎了。
19. Friendship is like a vase, it breaks easily when tampered with.
20.内练一口气，外练一口屁。
20. Cultivate inner strength and outer confidence.
21.能动手，就尽量别吵吵。
21. If you can take action, try not to argue.
22.能抗洪的尿布湿，才是真正的尿布湿！
22. A diaper that can hold back floods is truly a diaper.
23.你穿的很危险，但长得很安全。
23. Your outfit is dangerous, but your appearance is safe.
24.如果我是僵尸，我一定择吃掉所有好学生的脑。
24. If I were a zombie, I would choose to eat the brains of all the good students.
25.这个夏天出门就是进烤箱、走路就是麻辣烫、坐下就是铁板烧、还是别下雨了、下雨就成水煮鱼。
25. Going out in summer is like entering an oven, walking is like spicy hot pot, sitting is like iron板烧, and it’s better not to rain, or else it becomes boiled fish.
26.如果逃避就能不去面对的话，请送我一双溜冰鞋，让我跑的更快。
26. If escaping could make me not face things, please give me a pair of ice skates to run faster.
27.你走你的过街天桥，我过我的地下通道。
27. You take your overpass, and I’ll take my underground passage.
28.当年考完英语听力，悟出一个道理：有些话，只说给懂的人听。
28. After taking the English listening test, I realized a truth: some words are only spoken to those who understand.
29.之前有个姑娘问我借钱去整容，整的挺成功，我再也认不出是谁问我借钱了。
29. A girl once asked me for money to get plastic surgery, and it was so successful that I could no longer recognize who had borrowed money from me.
30.我痛恨这个看脸的世界，让我不知道哪个人才是真正的爱我。
30. I hate this world that values appearances, making me unsure who truly loves me.
31.别人都是笑起来很好看，但是你却不一样，你是看起来很好笑。
31. Everyone else looks good when they smile, but you are different; you look funny just by looking at you.
32.有些孩子，老幻想自己是公主，我就不一样，我是王子。
32. Some kids always fantasize about being princesses, but I am different; I am a prince.
33.路边一个卖西瓜的小贩在吆喝着不熟不要钱，我走过去看了看他，的确不认识，拿起两个西瓜走了。
33. A watermelon vendor on the roadside was shouting that if the watermelons were not ripe, they would be free. I went over and looked at him, and indeed, I didn’t recognize him, so I took two watermelons and left.
34.黑夜给了我黑色的鼠标，我却用它游戏到天明。
34. The night gave me a black mouse, but I used it to play games until dawn.
35.佛曰：打人用砖乎、求饶，照乎。乎不死再使劲乎。
35. Buddha said: Hit someone with a brick, if they beg for mercy, keep hitting. If they don’t die, hit harder.
36.其实我是故意不长个的，因为我恐高，长太高看着就怕。
36. I actually deliberately didn’t grow taller because I’m afraid of heights. If I were too tall, I would be scared just by looking up.
37.有事直接奔主题，不要拿你的无知，挑战我的黑名单。
37. Get straight to the point when you have something to say, don’t challenge my blacklist with your ignorance.
38.问：你喜欢我哪一点？答：我喜欢你离我远一点！
38. Q: Which part of me do you like? A: I like you staying away from me!
39.这个世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
39. In this world, I only trust two people: one is me, and the other is not you.
40.鸭子太嚣张，兔子太多嘴，我是猪，我很乖。
40. Ducks are too arrogant, rabbits talk too much, I am a pig, and I am well-behaved.
41.日照香芦升子烟，李白来到烤鸭店，口水直流三千尺，一模兜里没有钱。
41. The sun shines on the fragrant reed, and Li Bai comes to the roast duck shop; his mouth waters for three thousand feet, but he has no money in his pocket.
42.俺从不写错字，但俺写通假字。
42. I never make mistakes in writing, but I write with homophones.
43.有困难要帮，没有困难制造困难也要帮。在美人面前则修正为：有危险要救，没有危险制造危险也要救。
43. If there is difficulty, help is needed; if there is no difficulty, create difficulty and help. In front of a beauty, it is modified to: If there is danger, save; if there is no danger, create danger and save.
44.如果有钱也是一种错，那我情愿一错再错。
44. If being rich is also a mistake, then I would rather make the same mistake again and again.
45.年纪轻轻，体重倒是不轻。余额不多，想买的倒是不少。
45. Young in age, but not light in weight. Not much balance, but many things to buy.
46.你们经过草丛的时候小心点，别弄脏了我这个月要吃的土。
46. Be careful when you pass through the grass; don’t dirty the soil I have to eat this month.
47.不要和傻逼争论了，你是小仙女，不能泄露了仙气。
47. Don’t argue with fools, you are a fairy, and you can’t reveal your fairy aura.
48.皮肤给你送了，段位给你打了，你现在跟我说你是男的，草泥马就算是男的我也要跟你在一起。
48. I’ve given you my skin, and I’ve played the game for you. Now you tell me you’re a guy? Even if you’re a guy, I still want to be with you.
49.人要是倒霉起来，吃火锅不管坐哪里，烟都往你脸上飘。
49. When people are unlucky, no matter where they sit when eating hot pot, the smoke always drifts to their face.
50.又到了起床靠毅力，洗衣靠耐力，上班靠洪荒之力，洗澡靠爆发力的季节了。
50. It’s that season again when getting up relies on willpower, washing clothes relies on endurance, going to work relies on the power of the primordial chaos, and taking a bath relies on explosive power.
51.悲伤已经在现代泛滥成灾了，所以记得对自己好点。
51. Sadness has become a disaster in modern times, so remember to treat yourself well.
52.时间过得真快，还差三百五十五天我们就认识一年了。
52. Time flies; in 350 days, we will have known each other for a year.
53.终于知道“友谊”在英语中为啥是friendship了，因为友谊的小船说翻就翻。
53. I finally understand why “friendship” in English is called friendship, because the boat of friendship can capsize at any time.
54.好看的人一年四季都很酷，而你只有秋酷。
54. Good-looking people are cool all year round, while you are only cool in autumn.
55.春眠不觉晓，挂Q莫骚扰。突闻QQ声，实话有多少。
55. In spring, I don’t wake up from sleep; don’t disturb me on QQ. Suddenly, I hear the sound of QQ, how much is true?
56.我要做个下载软件，名字叫掩耳。因为迅雷不及掩耳。
56. I want to make a download software called “Cover Ear,” because it is faster than covering one’s ears.
57.我爱你时，你说什么就是什么。我不爱你时，你说你是什么。
57. When I love you, whatever you say goes. When I don’t love you, even if you say what you are, it doesn’t matter.
58.天气热得像个笑话，日子过的像句废话。
58. The weather is hot like a joke, and life goes by like nonsense.
59.竟然有人我涂了蓝眼影，那简直是在侮辱我得黑眼圈!
59. Someone actually insulted my dark circles by putting blue eyeshadow on me!
60.不用怀疑，我就是你梦中的穷人。
60. No doubt about it, I am the poor person in your dreams.
61.当完全吃撑的时候，普通青年会一脸空虚地埋怨“撑死我了”，吃货则一脸轻松“我歇会儿”
61. When completely full, ordinary young people would complain emptily, “I’m so stuffed,” while foodies would casually say, “I’ll take a break.”
62.第一笔就起错了的画，只好一路地潦草下去。
62. If the first stroke is wrong in a painting, it’s best to continue with a careless approach.
63.夜深人静的时候，我常常问自己，当初决定来地球，到底是对是错！
63. In the dead of night, I often ask myself, was it right or wrong to decide coming to Earth?
64.中分看鼻子，齐刘海看脸型，斜刘海看气质，无刘海看五官，我适合蒙面！
64. For a center-parted hairstyle, focus on the nose; for a full bang, focus on the face shape; for a side bang, focus on the temperament; for no bang, focus on the facial features. I guess I’m suited for wearing a mask!
65.当初我看上你，因为我脑子进水了，现在我脑子抖干了。
65. I was attracted to you because my brain was soaked, but now my brain has dried up.
66.征婚启事：要求如下，A活的，B女的。
66. Marriage ad: Requirements are as follows, A) alive, B) female.
67.在街上看美女，目光高一点就是欣赏，目光低一点就是流氓。
67. When looking at beautiful women on the street, a higher gaze means appreciation, while a lower gaze makes you a pervert.
68.我一在强调做人要低调。可你们非要给我掌声和尖叫。
68. I keep emphasizing the need for a low profile, but you all insist on giving me applause and screams.
69.不要把自己的伤口揭开给别人看，世界上多的不是医师，多的是撒盐的人。
69. Don’t expose your wounds to others; there are more people in the world who sprinkle salt than those who heal.
70.我现在终于解脱了，每次看你的作文我都有一种想要自杀的冲动！
70. I finally feel liberated now, as every time I read your essay, I felt an urge to commit suicide!
71.单身是一种领悟，恋爱是失误，分手是觉悟，结婚时错误，离婚是醒悟，再婚是执迷不悟，没有情人是废物，情人多了是动物。
71. Being single is an enlightenment, dating is a mistake, breaking up is an awakening, marriage is an error, divorce is a realization, remarriage is stubbornness, having no lover is waste, and having many lovers is beastly.
72.要在江湖混，最好是光棍！！
72. To get by in the world, it’s best to be single!
73.我还是很喜欢你，像风油精和辣条，声声不息。
73. I still like you very much, like the constant sound of wind oil and spicy strips.
74.说真的，我的床上功夫真的很厉害，我可以不吃不喝不上厕所在床上躺睡一天。
74. Honestly, I’m really good at staying in bed; I can lie there without eating, drinking, or using the bathroom for an entire day.
75.眉毛少的人没法做朋友，拍个照不让美白，因为一美白她眉毛就不见了。
75. People with sparse eyebrows can’t be friends; you can’t use beauty filters in photos because their eyebrows disappear when they’re applied.
76.帅多好啊!有士陪，有相日!有马骑，有车坐。还有兵保护。
76. How great it is to be handsome! With company from scholars, enjoying the company of beautiful women, riding horses, riding in carriages, and having soldiers to protect you.
77.自从人晒黑了，脸色好看了，牙齿变白了，喝酒都不脸红了。
77. Ever since I got tanned, my complexion has improved, my teeth look whiter, and I don’t even blush when drinking alcohol.
78.一直对发型不满意的人，有一个共同点：不肯承认这是脸的问题。
78. People who are always dissatisfied with their hairstyles have one thing in common: they refuse to admit that it’s an issue with their face.
79.永远都不要跟同一个傻子争辩，因为争辩到最后，会分不清谁是傻子。
79. Never argue with the same fool, because in the end, you won’t be able to tell who the fool is.
80.这个世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
80. In this world, I only trust two people: one is me, and the other is not you.
81.午夜12点准时下线!否则，公主就会变回灰姑娘。
81. At midnight, 12 o’clock sharp, I go offline! Otherwise, the princess will turn back into Cinderella.
82.不管多大岁数的人类成员，在钱面前，一概年轻。
82. Regardless of age, human beings are all young in front of money.
83.鸭子太嚣张，兔子太多嘴，我是猪，我很乖。
83. Ducks are too arrogant, rabbits talk too much, I am a pig, and I am well-behaved.
84.日照香芦升子烟，李白来到烤鸭店，口水直流三千尺，一模兜里没有钱。
84. As the sun rises, the fragrant reed emits smoke; Li Bai arrives at the roast duck shop, his mouth watering for three thousand feet, only to find no money in his pocket.
85.我想当皇帝，怕罗嗦；想当官，怕事多；想吃饭，怕刷锅；真想揍你一顿，怕惹祸。
85. I want to be an emperor, but I’m afraid of nagging; I want to be an official, but I’m afraid of too much work; I want to eat, but I’m afraid of washing dishes; I really want to beat you up, but I’m afraid of causing trouble.
86.男人忽悠女人，叫调戏；女人忽悠男人，叫勾引；男女相互忽悠，叫爱情。
86. When men deceive women, it’s called teasing; when women deceive men, it’s called seducing; when men and women deceive each other, it’s called love.
87.人生没有彩排，每天都是直播；不仅收视率低，而且工资不高。
87. There is no rehearsal in life, every day is a live broadcast; not only is the viewership low, but the salary is also low.
88.人干点好事儿总想让鬼神知道，干点坏事儿总以为鬼神不知道，我们太让鬼为难了。
88. People always want the gods to know when they do good deeds, but they think the gods don’t know when they do bad things. We make it too difficult for the gods.
89.人不犯我，我不犯人；人若犯我，礼让三分；人再犯我，我还一针；人还犯我，斩草除根。
89. If people don’t offend me, I won’t offend them; if they offend me once, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt; if they offend me again, I’ll retaliate; if they continue to offend me, I’ll eliminate them completely.
90.我这人从不记仇，一般有仇我当场就报了。
90. I am the kind of person who never holds grudges; generally, I settle scores on the spot.
91.每个人出生的时候都是原创，很可惜，很多人渐渐成了盗版。
91. Every person is born as an original, but unfortunately, many people gradually become counterfeit.
92.一天没带眼镜逛街，看到一个既帅气又熟悉的人。想过去看看到底是谁。原来是一面镜子。
92. One day, I went shopping without my glasses and saw someone who was both handsome and familiar. I wanted to go over and see who it was. It turned out to be a mirror.
93.承诺就像女人说要减肥一样，经常说却很难做到，一切都是假的话。
93. Promises are like women saying they want to lose weight; they often say it but find it hard to do, and everything is false.
94.爱情是毒药，糖衣太美妙，浅尝了即止就好，喝下了把命都送掉。
94. Love is a poison; the sugar coating is too delightful, so it’s better to just taste a little and stop; if you drink it all, you’ll lose your life.
95.不要把自己的伤口揭开给别人看，世界上多的不是医师，多的是撒盐的人。
95. Don’t expose your wounds to others; there are not many doctors in the world, but there are many people who add salt.
96.你信仰基督教，还是公鸡叫。
96. Do you believe in Christianity, or do you believe in the rooster’s crow?
97.你走你的阳光道，我走我的地下道。
97. You go your way in the sunlight, and I’ll go my way in the underground.
98.起的比鸡早，睡的比猫晚，赚的比秃子的毛还少。
98. I wake up earlier than a rooster and sleep later than a cat, but I earn even less than a bald man’s hair.
99.装成熟、是往老里打扮的行为。
99. Pretending to be mature is an act of dressing up as an old person.
100.忽然发现自从我配了眼镜就不敢出门了。
100. Suddenly, I realized that ever since I got glasses, I dare not go out.
1.把漂亮当资本是愚蠢，把漂亮当能能源是智慧。
1. Considering beauty as capital is foolish, considering beauty as energy is wise.
2.每当我找到了成功的钥匙，就有人把所给换了。
2. Every time I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
3.你一出门，千山鸟飞绝，万径人踪灭。
3. As soon as you step out, a thousand mountains become devoid of birds, and ten thousand paths are devoid of human traces.
4.今天心情不好，我只有四句话想说，包括这句和前面的两句，我的话说完了。
4. I’m in a bad mood today; I only have four sentences to say, including this one and the two previous ones. My words are now finished.
5.好久没有人把牛皮吹的这么清新脱俗了！
5. It’s been a while since someone has boasted so elegantly and unconventionally!
6.胖人当然一样可以自信，但如果你耿耿于体重不能释怀，那么还是减肥吧
6. Fat people can certainly be confident, but if you can’t let go of your obsession with weight, then consider losing weight.
7.多亏我是个胖子，伤心时我可以捏捏肚子
7. Fortunately, I’m fat, so when I’m sad, I can pinch my belly.
8.那些说我不用减肥的人都是坏人。
8. Those who say I don’t need to lose weight are bad people.
9.不会到男装店找适合自己的“女装”。
9. Don’t look for “women’s clothes” that suit you in a men’s clothing store.
10.本来准备今年瘦成一道闪电，亮瞎你们的眼，不想竟然胖成了坚果墙，挡住了你们的视线。
10. I was planning to become a lightning bolt this year to blind your eyes, but I unexpectedly became a nut wall, blocking your view.
11.浪漫出游时，不会把男朋友自行车的后带磨平
11. When going out romantically, you won’t wear out the seat of your boyfriend’s bicycle.
12.夏天和男友一同逛街时，他不会老想走在你后面乘阴凉。
12. When strolling with your boyfriend in the summer, he won’t always want to walk behind you to enjoy the shade.
13.迎面走来的男士，错身，回头是因为欣赏而不是出于好奇。
13. A man walking towards you turns around and looks back because of admiration, not curiosity.
14.瘦出一张小脸，省了多少化妆品啊。
14. Having a small face saves so much makeup.
15.挤公车和地铁的时候，游刃有余。
15. When taking public transportation, you can maneuver easily.
16.要知道，对售货小姐说“有没有特大号的衣服”时，是一件很丢脸的事情;但是“这里的衣服都太肥了”却可以理直气壮地说出口。
16. You should know that asking the salesgirl, “Do you have extra-large clothes?” is embarrassing; however, saying “The clothes here are all too loose” can be said confidently.
17.连汤加国王都命令全国减肥了。
17. Even the King of Tonga has ordered the whole country to lose weight.
18.遗传学淡定地告诉我们：跨物种恋爱注定是没有好结果的。
18. Genetics calmly tells us: interspecies romance is doomed to have no good results.
19.月老啊！您能不要用山寨劣质的红绳给我牵姻缘？隔三差五断啊。
19. Matchmaker, can you not use counterfeit and low-quality red ropes to tie my marriage? They break every now and then.
20.何文轩曾对李清远说过一句话：你之所以还不是GAY，是因为还没遇到让你心动的男人。
20. He Wenxuan once said to Li Qingyuan: The reason you’re not gay is that you haven’t met a man who makes your heart race.
21.呸！我耳朵都竖起来了，你就给我听这个？”
21. Phew! My ears perked up, and this is what you give me to listen to?”
22.我无法拉伸生命的长度，但是我可以拓展生命的宽度。我胖了才显得你瘦，免得我瘦的时候显得你丑。
22. I cannot stretch the length of life, but I can expand the width of life. I gain weight to make you look thinner, so that when I’m thin, I don’t make you look ugly.
23.我的读书生涯仅仅能做的两件事就是看学霸秀成绩，看情侣秀恩爱。
23. The only two things I can do during my school years are to watch the top students show off their grades and watch couples show off their love.
24.再过几十年，我们来相会，送到火葬场，全部烧成灰，你一堆，我一堆，谁也不认识谁，全部送到农村做化肥。
24. In a few decades, we’ll meet again at the crematorium, all burned into ashes, you in one pile and me in another. No one will recognize anyone, and we’ll all be sent to the countryside as fertilizer.
25.冲动时我真恨不得变成动物，哪怕只是头卖力的牲畜。听凭主人的吩咐，不用感受做人的无助。或者干脆来个移花接木，彻底的做个变性手术。跑到人群中滥竽充数，也好让同胞们多一条可以选择的出路。
25. When I’m impulsive, I really wish I could become an animal, even just a hardworking beast of burden. To follow my master’s orders without experiencing the helplessness of being human. Or maybe I should just have a sex change surgery and blend into the crowd, giving my fellow people another choice.
26.光棍节到了，小鸟恋爱了，蚂蚁同居了，苍蝇怀孕了，蚊子流产了，蝴蝶离婚了，毛毛虫改嫁了，青蛙也生孩子了，你还在等什么呢?
26. Singles’ Day is here, the birds are in love, the ants are living together, the flies are pregnant, the mosquitoes have had miscarriages, the butterflies have divorced, the caterpillars have remarried, and the frogs have had children. What are you waiting for?
27.街上的婚介星罗棋布。我也曾幻想著他们能帮我打开销路。然而最终的结果是让我明白了什么叫认贼作父，并被婚托儿们榨干了我几年的收入。
27. There are numerous matchmaking agencies on the streets. I once fantasized that they could help me open up new opportunities. However, the final result made me understand what it means to “mistake a thief for a father” and got my income for several years squeezed dry by the marriage scammers.
28.众里寻她千百度，踏平脚下路。蓦然回首细环顾，大婶大娘无数。偶有美女光顾，还是有夫之妇，余下大多数，基本不堪入目。
28. After searching for her thousands of times, I tread the path beneath my feet. Suddenly looking back and taking a closer look, there are countless aunts and big sisters. Occasionally, a beautiful woman comes by, but she’s already married. The rest are mostly not worth looking at.
29.有个老太太都在缸里蹲半天了，多点时间让她透透气吧。
29. An old lady has been squatting in the jar for half a day; give her some more time to catch her breath.
30.唱歌给我听，开心了就让你走。
30. Sing me a song, and if it makes me happy, I’ll let you go.
31.在我尿频的时候你还在嘲笑我。
31. When I have frequent urination, you’re still making fun of me.
32.有些事，有些人，有些风景，一旦入眼入心，即便刹那，也是永恒。
32. Some things, some people, some scenery, once they enter the eye and the heart, even for a moment, they become eternal.
33.逃得了和尚，逃不了方丈。
33. You can escape a monk, but you can’t escape the abbot.
34.现在生米都已经煮成稀饭了。
34. Now the raw rice has already been cooked into porridge.
35.唾沫是用来数钞票的不是用来讲理的。
35. Spit is for counting money, not for reasoning.
36.跟我打赌，不是看你要什么，而是看我有什么……
36. Bet with me, it’s not about what you want, but what I have…
37.你每天都和他们聊到半夜，他们哪有时间创造人类呢？
37. You chat with them every day until midnight; when do they have time to create humanity?
38.我肯定会被砍成薯片的。
38. I’m sure I’ll be chopped into potato chips.
39.人生如戏，爱的是一个，结婚生子的又是另一个。很正常。
39. Life is like a drama; you love one person, but you marry and have children with another. It’s normal.
40.彪悍的人生是不需要解释的。
40. A fierce and powerful life requires no explanation.
41.好男人就是我我就是曾小贤。
41. A good man is me, and I am Zeng Xiaoxian.
42.你今天晚上必须给我上线，否则，我就把你名字写到碑上去。
42. You must come online tonight, otherwise, I will engrave your name on a tombstone.
43.说爱你，不一定是真的爱；说不爱你，那是真的一定爱过。
43. Saying I love you doesn’t necessarily mean I truly love you; saying I don’t love you really means I have indeed loved you in the past.
44.阿弥陀佛，出家人不打诳语。女施主，你的确是贫僧自东土出行至今所遇的，最美丽、最性感的女子，你看你这秀发，这玉手，这肌肤，这手感……
44. Amitabha Buddha, monks do not tell lies. Venerable lady, you are indeed the most beautiful and sexy woman I have encountered since I left the East. Look at your hair, your jade-like hands, your skin, and the touch of it…
45.我妈就生了我一个，你自己算算看我算老几呢。
45. My mother only gave birth to me, so you figure out my rank.
46.无聊对着电脑唱忐忑，唱完之后，电脑突然死机了。
46. I was singing “Tan Te” to the computer out of boredom, and after I finished, the computer suddenly crashed.
47.如果你是一个胖纸，记住不要围红色的围巾。不然你会很像QQ。
47. If you are chubby, remember not to wear a red scarf; otherwise, you’ll look a lot like QQ.
48.女施主，贫僧修为尚浅，还不能隔衣为你疗伤，得罪了。
48. Lady, this monk’s spiritual power is still shallow, and I cannot heal your wounds through your clothes, I’ve offended.
49.你等着吧，总有一天我会让你成为我未来儿子的妈妈。
49. Just wait, one day I will make you the mother of my future son.
50.人活着是为什么？就为了那一张张伟大的毛爷爷。
50. What’s the purpose of living? It’s all for those grand portraits of Chairman Mao.
51.我想说我就一苦逼，世界末日的那天就是我的生日。
51. I want to say I’m just a poor soul; the day of the apocalypse is my birthday.
52.晚自习的时候考试，拿出手机搜答案，突然，老师把灯一关，我……亮了。
52. During the evening study session, I took out my phone to search for answers when suddenly, the teacher turned off the lights, and I… shone.
53.不是我不想当淑女、而是这世界把老娘逼成了泼妇！
53. It’s not that I don’t want to be a lady, but the world has turned me into a shrew.
54.我曾经跟一个人无数次擦肩而过，衣服都擦破了，也没擦出火花。
54. I once passed by someone countless times, and my clothes were worn out, but no sparks were ignited.
55.总感觉别人都是吃几口就饱了，而我是吃饱了还能再吃几口……
55. I always feel like others get full after eating just a few bites, while I can still eat a few more even after being full…
56.又帅又有车的，那是象棋。有钱又有房的，那是银行。
56. Handsome with a car, that’s chess. Rich with a house, that’s a bank.
57.看时间不是为了起床，而是看还能睡多久。
57. Checking the time is not for getting up, but to see how much longer I can sleep.
58.我一发怒，冬天就到了；冬天一发怒，我就变成秋裤男了。
58. When I get angry, winter comes; when winter gets angry, I become a man in long johns.
59.天啦，我的衣服又瘦了！
59. Oh dear, my clothes have shrunk again!
60.你真是个地道的美人啊。就是说你只有在地道里才算美人，因为地道里没灯。
60. You are such a genuine beauty. It means you are only considered beautiful in a tunnel because there are no lights there.
61.生是她的人，死是她的吉祥物。
61. In life, one belongs to her; in death, one becomes her mascot.
62.长大了要娶唐僧做老公，想宠幸就宠幸，不想玩了就把他吃掉。
62. When I grow up, I want to marry Tang Seng as my husband, to pamper him when I feel like it, and to eat him when I get bored.
63.心中充满爱，看天下美女都是情人。
63. With love in my heart, I see all the beautiful women in the world as my lovers.
64.挤在北京，给首都添麻烦了……
64. I’m stuck in Beijing, causing trouble for the capital…
65.我就像一只趴在玻璃上的苍蝇，前途一片光明，而我却找不到出路。
65. I am like a fly on a glass window, with a bright future ahead, but I can’t find a way out.
66.大家都说我是个演员，是因为我一看见漂亮MM眼就圆……
66. Everyone says I’m an actor because my eyes go round when I see a pretty girl…
67.我床上的不知道是谁媳妇，我媳妇不知道在谁的床上！
67. I don’t know whose wife is in my bed, and I don’t know whose bed my wife is in!
68.出问题先从自己身上找原因，别一便秘就怪地球没引力。
68. When there’s a problem, look for the reasons within yourself, instead of blaming the Earth’s gravity for your constipation.
69.也因寂寞难耐，谈过几次恋爱。谁知屡战屡败，轻轻松松被踹！
69. Also due to unbearable loneliness, I’ve had a few relationships. But I’ve been defeated every time, and easily kicked out!
70.白天瞎JB忙，晚上JB瞎忙。
70. Busy all day long for nothing, and doing nothing all night long.
71.做一个徘徊在牛A和牛C之间的人。
71. Be a person wandering between being awesome and being crazy.
72.问：“我的头像牛B吗？”答：“像！
72. Q: “Is my avatar awesome?” A: “Yes, it is!”
73.老板，帮我理一个忧伤点的发型！谢谢！
73. Boss, please give me a more melancholic hairstyle! Thank you!
74.脸皮怎么那么厚，让猪皮情何以勘。
74. How can your face be so thick, making pig skin feel embarrassed.
75.美女眼前过，不泡是罪过。
75. When a beautiful woman passes by, not flirting with her is a sin.
76.蓦然回首，你咋还没走。
76. Suddenly looking back, why haven’t you left yet?
77.恶人从不搞笑，恶人要抓紧时间做恶。
77. Evil people never joke around; they have to make the most of their time to do evil deeds.
78.恶人说：再说俺是恶人，俺就害死你!
78. The evil person says: If you call me an evil person again, I will harm you!
79.不管多大岁数的人类成员，在钱面前，一概年轻。
79. No matter how old a human being is, they all become young in front of money.
80.鸭子太嚣张，兔子太多嘴，我是猪，我很乖。
80. Ducks are too arrogant, rabbits talk too much, I am a pig, and I am well-behaved.
81.禽兽尚且有半点怜悯之心，而我一点也没有，所以我不是禽兽。
81. Even animals have a bit of compassion, but I don’t have any, so I’m not an animal.
82.我家的金鱼今早淹死了。
82. My goldfish drowned this morning.
83.所谓网虫，就是在杂志上看到下划线也想用鼠标去点。
83. A so-called netizen is someone who wants to click on underlined text in a magazine with a mouse.
84.娶老婆应是娶小绍，交朋友应是令狐冲，做男儿最好做乔峰，出来混还得韦小宝。
84. To marry, one should marry Xiaoshao; to make friends, one should make friends with Linghu Chong; to be a man, it’s best to be Qiao Feng; and to get by in life, one must be Wei Xiaobao.
85.如果有钱也是一种错，那我情愿一错再错。
85. If having money is also a mistake, then I’d rather keep making the same mistake.
86.男人的实力就是你兜里的人民币。
86. A man’s strength is the Renminbi in your pocket.
87.你的话，我连标点符号都不信。
87. I don’t believe you, not even the punctuation marks.
88.人生就像打电话，不是你先挂，就是我先挂。
88. Life is like making a phone call; either you hang up first or I do.
89.距离产生的不是美，是小三。
89. Distance doesn’t create beauty, but rather a mistress.
90.别烦我，再烦我，你一会就掉茅坑了。
90. Don’t bother me, or you’ll end up falling into a latrine.
91.别回头，哥恋的只是你的背影。
91. Don’t look back; what I’m infatuated with is just your back.
92.哥吸烟，是因为它伤肺，不伤心。
92. I smoke because it hurts my lungs, not my heart.
93.凡事皆有代价，快乐的代价便是痛苦。
93. Everything has a price; the price of happiness is pain.
94.当江湖有了传说，不满城风雨，是对不起观众的。
94. When there are legends in the martial world, if the city isn’t stormy, it’s对不起 the audience.
95.打死我也不说，你们还没使美人计呢！
95. I won’t tell you even if you kill me; you haven’t tried using a beauty trick yet!
96.大理石牌鞋垫，要脚不要脸。
96. Marble shoe insoles, caring for your feet but not your face.
97.出来混，迟早会烦的。
97. If you get involved in this world, sooner or later you will be annoyed.
98.打你就打你，还要挑日子吗？
98. Why should I choose a day to hit you?
99.打个小麻将，吃个麻辣烫。找个小对象，生活就这样。
99. Play a small game of mahjong, eat some spicy hot pot, find a small partner, and that’s life.
100.在这个什么都涨价的时代里，我突然欣喜地发现，空气没有涨价，反倒是料越来越多了。
100. In this era where everything is getting more expensive, I suddenly discovered with joy that the price of air hasn’t increased; instead, there’s more material in it.
1.他人笑我看不穿，我笑他人啥也不穿。
1. People laugh at me for not wearing well, and I laugh at them for wearing nothing at all.
2.本人已死，有事烧纸，小事招魂，大事挖坟！
2. I am already dead, if you have any business, burn paper, for small matters call my soul, for big matters dig my grave!
3.生活有时就像被太监强奸一样——反抗是痛苦，不反抗还是痛苦！
3. Sometimes life is like being raped by a eunuch - resisting is painful, not resisting is still painful!
4.为配合今年中国计划生育工作的胜利完成，本人决定暂时不和异性朋友接触，谢谢合作。
4. In order to fully support the successful completion of China’s family planning work this year, I have decided to temporarily avoid contact with friends of the opposite sex. Thank you for your cooperation.
5.人家有的是背景，而我有的只是背影。
5. Others have backgrounds, but all I have is a silhouette.
6.上班的心情，比上坟还要沉重。
6. The mood for going to work is heavier than attending a funeral.
7.钱对你真的就那么重要吗？讲了个多小时了一分钱都不降。
7. Is money really that important to you? After talking for more than an hour, there’s no discount at all.
8.不抽烟不会死，但会比死还难受。
8. Not smoking won’t kill you, but it feels worse than death.
9.作家对网络文学很是鄙视，于是他们都充当起色情网络写手，走曲线救国的道路。
9. Writers despise online literature, so they become pornographic online writers instead, taking a roundabout way to save the nation.
10.两姐妹吵架，姐姐：“你得瑟啥？从小到大都是用我用过的东西！”妹妹：“是！连男人都是！”
10. Two sisters were arguing. Older sister: “What are you showing off? You’ve always used what I’ve used since we were little!” Younger sister: “Yes! Even men!”
11.结婚前男人借钱也要让女人吃好，结婚后女人借钱也要让男人吃好。
11. Before marriage, a man should borrow money to make sure the woman eats well. After marriage, the woman should borrow money to make sure the man eats well.
12.让女孩变成女人是作为男人最基本的责任和义务。
12. Turning a girl into a woman is the most basic responsibility and obligation of a man.
13.我为什么还没死，那是因为我在等死！我为什么杀人放火，那是因为我想找死！
13. The reason I’m still alive is that I’m waiting to die! The reason I commit murder and arson is that I want to court death!
14.小明跟小华到动物园玩，进门时，小明指着小华对看门人说：“看清楚喔！等会儿出来，别说我偷了你们的猴子！”
14. Xiao Ming and Xiao Hua went to the zoo. When they entered, Xiao Ming pointed at Xiao Hua and said to the gatekeeper, “Get a good look! When we come out later, don’t say I stole your monkeys!”
15.天生就是属黄瓜的，欠拍！后天属核桃的，欠捶！终生属破摩托的，欠踹！找个媳妇属螺丝钉的，欠拧！
15. Born with a nature like a cucumber, you’re asking to be slapped! Acquired a temperament like a walnut, you’re asking to be smashed! For life, you’re like a broken motorcycle, you’re asking to be kicked! Find a wife like a screw, you’re asking to be twisted!
16.我发现我脖子勒的好紧，啊！我背后也凉飕飕的。怎么办我好像被不干净的东西缠住了！！神回复：大哥你毛衣穿反了。
16. I found that my neck is so tight, ah! My back is also chilly. What should I do? It seems like I’m entangled with something unclean! God’s reply: Brother, you’re wearing your sweater inside out.
17.如果你注定不能给予我期待的回应。那么就保持在安全距离之外吧！
17. If you are destined not to give me the response I期待, then stay beyond the safe distance!
18.是金子总要发光的，但当满地都是金子的时候，我自己也不知道自己是哪颗了。
18. Gold will always shine, but when the ground is covered in gold, I don’t even know which one I am.
19.白头偕老不是染个头发，打掉几颗牙的问题。
19. Growing old together isn’t just about dyeing your hair and losing a few teeth.
20.我朋友在他女友手机里的名字是“他”，后来他们分手了，就变成了“它”。
20. My friend’s name in his girlfriend’s phone was “He,” but after they broke up, it became “It.”
21.你不是VIP也不是IP你只是个P。
21. You’re not a VIP or an IP, you’re just a P.
22.上帝把所有人都骗了，因为地狱才是最美的！佛知道真相，所以佛说：“我不入地狱，谁入地狱？”
22. God tricked everyone, because hell is the most beautiful! Buddha knew the truth, so he said, “If I don’t go to hell, who will?”
23.我梦见对象死了，哭的很厉害，醒来发现压根没对象，哭的更厉害了。
23. I had a dream that my partner died, and I cried so hard. When I woke up and realized I didn’t have a partner, I cried even harder.
24.现在有不少非主流女生喜欢在聊天时把“我”写成这个“莪”，其实，这是在暗示着什么……
24. Nowadays, many non-mainstream girls like to write “I” as “莪” in chats. In fact, this is hinting at something…
25.一时的冲动，子孙的危机！
25. A moment of impulse, a crisis for future generations!
26.一想到祖国没统一就忍不着想抽烟…
26. Just thinking about our country not being unified makes me want to smoke…
27.我在减肥,我既不节食也不运动,我用的是意念,我会瘦。
27. I’m on a diet, but I neither diet nor exercise. I use my willpower. I will become thin.
28.我年轻过，你们呢，老过么？
28. I’ve been young before, but have you ever grown old?
29.对面阳台那个男孩每天都在，白色体恤干净短发，余晖打在他脸上特别好看。他总是朝着我家方向低头玩手机，看到我的时候会冲我羞涩的笑笑，然后继续低头玩手机。今天我盯着他看了好久，终于明白了，原来他在蹭我们家网。
29. The boy on the balcony across from me is there every day, wearing a white T-shirt, clean short hair, and the setting sun shines on his face, making him look especially good. He always looks down at his phone while facing my house, and when he sees me, he smiles shyly at me before continuing to use his phone. Today, I stared at him for a long time and finally understood that he was using my Wi-Fi.
30.一天我上了公交车又看见了那个漂亮的MM，这时我给她传了一个纸条，纸上说：和我交个朋友好不好，如果好就写上你的联系地址传回来，如果不好就打开车窗让它随风飘去吧一会儿那张纸条传了回来，我欣喜的打开一看：对不起，车窗打不开。
30. One day, I got on the bus and saw that beautiful girl again. I sent her a note saying, “Shall we be friends? If yes, please write down your contact address and pass it back. If not, just open the window and let it fly away.” After a while, the note came back, and I eagerly opened it to see: “Sorry, the window won’t open.”
31.孔子曰：知识就像是内衣，虽然看不见，但是很关键。
31. Confucius said: Knowledge is like underwear, though invisible, it’s crucial.
32.大学同学工作后第一次聚会选择在动物园，大家共同的理由是：只有在这里，才能感慨到自己还是个人啊！
32. Our first gathering after college classmates started working was at the zoo. The common reason was: Only here can we feel like we’re still human!
33.艰苦的工作不会杀了谁。但是干什么冒这个险呢？
33. Hard work won’t kill anyone. But why take the risk?
34.我要做个下载软件，名字叫掩耳。因为迅雷不及掩耳。
34. I want to create a download software called “Cover Ear,” because “faster than lightning” can’t compare to “covering the ear.”
35.我自横刀向天笑，笑完我就去睡觉！！
35. I’ll laugh defiantly towards the sky, and then I’ll go to sleep!
36.喝醉了俺哪位也不服，俺就扶墙。
36. When drunk, I won’t submit to anyone; I’ll just lean on the wall.
37.小时候，我最喜欢玩捉迷藏，等别人藏好了，我就回家吃饭。
37. When I was a child, I loved playing hide-and-seek. Once others hid, I’d go home for dinner.
38.火车上，服务员喊着：啤酒饮料矿泉水的，一小伙子买矿泉水，给了一张的，服务人员一看，让给换一张，说是假的，大家都在看这个小伙子，只听他不紧不慢的解释说，哦哦，不好意思啊，我这也是别人找的。服务人员：哦，那你花的是多大的票啊，给你找个的呢。
38. On the train, the attendant shouted: “Beer, drinks, mineral water!” A young man bought mineral water and gave a one-yuan note. The attendant saw it and asked him to change it, saying it was fake. Everyone looked at the young man, who calmly explained, “Oh, I’m sorry, I got this as change from someone else.” The attendant asked, “So, how much did you pay? I’ll give you the right change.”
39.和上司说美话，和下属说丑话，和老婆说谎话，和情人说瞎话，和熟人说笑话，和生人说鬼话。
39. Speak nicely to your boss, harshly to your subordinates, lie to your wife, nonsense to your lover, jokes to acquaintances, and ghost stories to strangers.
40.你的废话怎么比湖南卫视的广告还多啊。
40. Your nonsense is even more than the ads on Hunan TV.
41.是个很好的例 爸爸说长的帅的男人会说谎，妈妈说不帅的男人也会说谎，你爸是个很好的例。
41. My dad says that handsome men tend to lie, and my mom says that men who are not handsome also lie. My dad is a perfect example.
42.一失足成千古风流人物。
42. A single slip can make one a legendary romantic figure.
43.我喜欢的女孩要像黛玉一样有才气，像宝钗一样懂事，像可卿一样漂亮，像湘云一样豪爽，像李纨一样忠贞，像探春一样能干，像凤姐一样精明，还要像元春一样有福气，呵呵……
43. The girl I like should have the talent of Daiyu, the understanding of Baochai, the beauty of Keqing, the boldness of Xiangyun, the loyalty of Li Wan, the capability of Tanchun, the shrewdness of Lady Wang, and the good fortune of Yuanchun. Hehe…
44.做一天尼姑撞一天钟，佛祖说：堕落即是再生，俺去堕落了，别吵，吵醒我就掐死你。
44. Being a nun for a day means hitting the bell for a day. Buddha says: “Falling into depravity is rebirth.” I’m going to degenerate now, so don’t make a noise. If you wake me up, I’ll strangle you.
45.几个小男孩凑了十几块钱想买玩具，但不知该买什么，其中一个提议道：去买卫生巾吧！众不解，问为什么？男孩说，我也不太清楚，不过电视上说有了它，就可以爬山滑水打球溜冰，而且快乐没烦恼。
45. A few little boys pooled together some money, about ten yuan, to buy toys, but they didn’t know what to buy. One of them suggested: “Let’s buy sanitary pads!” The others were puzzled and asked why. The boy said, “I’m not quite sure, but on TV, they say that with it, you can climb mountains, swim, play ball, skate, and be happy without worries.”
46.抄作业不怀疑对方做得对错是抄作业的基本道德。
46. Copying homework without questioning the correctness of the other person’s work is the basic morality of copying.
47.请不要把我对你的容忍，当场你不要脸的资本。
47. Please don’t take my tolerance of you as your capital for shamelessness.
48.如果你恨一个男人，就把他的女人揍成李宇春，让他无法享受上半身的快乐。如果你恨一个女人，就把她的男人揍成李宇春，让她无法享受下半身的快乐。
48. If you hate a man, beat his woman into Li Yuchun, so he can’t enjoy the happiness of the upper body. If you hate a woman, beat her man into Li Yuchun, so she can’t enjoy the happiness of the lower body.
49.驴是的念来过倒。
49. A donkey is the thought of coming over backward.
50.一定要糊涂，不要追求真理…真理是婊子！
50. Be sure to be muddled; don’t pursue the truth… The truth is a whore!
51.那些放荡堕落的女网友，实在是让我心痛，为什么乱搞这么多男人，都没搞到过我。
51. Those promiscuous and degenerate female netizens really make me feel heartbroken. Why have they messed around with so many men and never gotten to me?
52.男人最大的烦恼是债主，女人最大的烦恼是情人。
52. Men’s biggest trouble comes from creditors, while women’s biggest trouble comes from lovers.
53.世界如此美妙，你却如此暴躁，这么做，不好，不好。
53. The world is so beautiful, yet you are so irritable. This is not good, not good.
54.我猜你写一分钟作业就奖励自己上一小时网。
54. I guess you reward yourself with an hour of internet for every minute of homework you do.
55.我已留长我的发，留长了牵挂。不要以为老衲留了长发就不是和尚，其实我一直在惦念着道长怀里的师太。
55. I have grown my hair long, along with my longing. Don’t think that just because I, an old monk, have long hair, I am not a monk. In fact, I have always been thinking about the abbot’s lover in his arms.
56.偶的脸洗的很干净，苍蝇趴在那里都得摔死。难过的是我口袋比我脸还干净……
56. My face is washed very clean, and flies would fall off if they landed on it. The sad thing is that my pockets are cleaner than my face…
67.蹲到墙根数蚂蚁，是我的乐趣。
67. Squatting by the wall and counting ants is my pleasure.
58.我跟富二代唯一的共同点就是“二”。
58. The only thing I have in common with rich second-generation people is the “two”.
59.自从放假后我的生活里就没有了上午。
59. Since the holiday, there have been no mornings in my life.
60.我从不怀疑你是美女，我只是怀疑我的审美。
60. I never doubt that you are a beauty; I just doubt my own taste.
1.眼泪的存在，是为了证明悲伤不是一场幻觉。
1. The existence of tears is to prove that sadness is not an illusion.
2.不怕喝敌敌畏，就怕开盖有奖再来一瓶。
2. I’m not afraid of drinking parathion, I’m afraid that there will be a prize after opening the bottle.
3.我的心在想什么？ 我只能告诉你：我的心在泵血。
3. What is my heart thinking? I can only tell you: my heart is pumping blood.
4.要不是骗子太多，我早把肾给卖了！
4. If there weren’t so many swindlers, I would have sold my kidney long ago!
5.每次称体重，轻了就对自己说瘦了。重了就说，胸部又大了… …
5. Every time I weigh myself, if it’s lighter, I tell myself I’ve lost weight. If it’s heavier, I say, my chest has grown bigger…
6.思想有多远，你就滚多远；光速有多快，你就滚多快。
6. The farther your thoughts go, the farther you should get away; the faster light travels, the faster you should roll.
7.佛曰：打人用砖乎求饶，照乎。乎不死再使劲乎。
7. Buddha said: When hitting someone, use a brick to make them plead for mercy, strike them. If they don’t die, hit them harder.
8.问世间情为何物？圣人答曰：“废物。”
8. What is love in this world? The sage replies, “Trash.”
9.你撞车前长啥样的？
9. What did you look like before you got into a car accident?
10.我太纯洁了，我纯洁的都有些无耻了！
10. I’m so pure that I’m almost shameless!
11.我吸烟的理由很简单，我爷爷吸烟，我爸爸也吸烟，轮到我不能断了香火。
11. The reason I smoke is very simple: my grandfather smoked, my father smoked, and when it comes to me, I can’t break the family tradition.
12.甲去乙家玩，甲留乙吃饭，菜上齐了甲说：“别客气，就象是在自己家里一样。”乙说：“那我更不能吃了。”甲问：“为什么啊？”乙说：“在家里我都是老婆吃完，我才能吃的。”
12. A goes to B’s house to play, A invites B to have a meal. When the dishes are served, A says, “Don’t be shy, just like you’re at home.” B replies, “Then I can’t eat.” A asks, “Why?” B says, “At home, I can only eat after my wife finishes her meal.”
13.强烈抗议广告时间插播电视剧！
13. I strongly protest the insertion of commercials during TV dramas!
14.微博上很快就会开始黑分裂的双子座，打鸡血的白羊座，拖延症的金牛座，敏感的巨蟹座，虚荣的狮子座，腹黑的天蝎座，爱动手的射手座，呆板的摩羯座，自以为是的水瓶座，多愁善感的双鱼座了。
14. Soon on Weibo, they will start to mock the split personality of Gemini, the hyperactive Aries, the procrastinating Taurus, the sensitive Cancer, the vain Leo, the腹黑 Scorpio, the violent Sagittarius, the rigid Capricorn, the self-righteous Aquarius, and the sentimental Pisces.
15.我把你的话放到油锅里可以炸出油来，哈哈。
15. If I put your words in a frying pan, I can fry oil out of them, haha.
16.上课睡觉或不听但学习照样好的才叫学霸。
16. Only those who sleep in class or don’t listen but still perform well in studies are called top students.
17.听说睡觉手机放枕头旁边有辐射吓得我赶紧起来把枕头扔了 吓死我了妈蛋。
17. I heard that there is radiation when sleeping with a phone next to the pillow, which scared me to quickly get up and throw the pillow away. I was so scared, damn it.
18.种草不让人去躺，不如改种仙人掌。
18. If you don’t allow people to lie down on the grass, it’s better to plant cactus instead.
19.当我为我容貌深深自卑的时候，我想，没事，等我有钱了，和谁都有缘。等我有钱了之后，我就去整容了，医生看了看我说，钱不是所有问题都能解决的。
19. When I was deeply insecure about my appearance, I thought, it’s okay, when I have money, I’ll be有缘 with everyone. After I became wealthy, I went to get a plastic surgery. The doctor looked at me and said, money can’t solve all problems.
20.不是你牛逼的让我沉默，只是你傻Β的让我无语。
20. It’s not that you’re awesome enough to make me silent, it’s just that you’re so stupid that I’m speechless.
21.我看着天上的小鸟，原以为会掉下个蛋，才发现手上有鸟屎。
21. I looked at the little birds in the sky, thinking an egg would fall, only to find bird droppings on my hand.
22.放荡总在自wei前，纯洁总在手yin后。
22. Debauchery always comes before masturbation, while purity follows it.
23.自从买了保险后，过马路都随随便便了！
23. Ever since I bought insurance, crossing the road has become careless!
24.单身很痛苦，单身久了更痛苦，前几天我看见一头母猪，都觉得它眉清目秀的…
24. Being single is painful, and being single for a long time is even more painful. A few days ago, I saw a sow and thought it looked pretty…
25.我理论上有两种笑容，露齿而笑，猥琐，咧嘴大笑，非常猥琐。实际上别人都说我的笑容极度猥琐。
25. In theory, I have two types of smiles: grinning with teeth showing, which is creepy, and wide-mouthed laughter, which is very creepy. In reality, people say my smile is extremely creepy.
26.有个成语叫“一波三折”，谁给解释下这是怎么长的？
26. There is an idiom called “一波三折”, can anyone explain how it is formed?
27.那一夜我抱着你，在你耳边叫你戴上那玩意，你说不戴的感觉才够爽，现在是安全期，没事……可不戴头盔交警抓着咋办。
27. That night, I held you and whispered in your ear to put on that thing. You said it felt better without it, and that it was a safe period, so it was okay… But what if the traffic police catch us not wearing helmets?
28.原来只要是分开了的人，不论原来多么熟悉，也会慢慢变得疏远。
28. It turns out that once people are separated, no matter how familiar they were before, they will gradually become distant.
29.一个忠诚的党员死了，上帝不愿意在天堂接受无神论者的灵魂，于是把他送到地狱。一个月后，阎王大汗淋漓跑来说：“你赶紧把那人带走吧，他差不多把我所有小鬼都发展成了少先队员！”上帝就接受了，又过了一月，阎王幸灾乐祸地问上帝：“那党员怎样了？”上帝说：“首先，请叫我同志……”
29. A loyal party member died, and God was unwilling to accept the soul of an atheist in heaven, so he was sent to hell. A month later, the阎王, sweating profusely, ran over and said, “Please take that man away quickly; he has almost developed all of my little demons into Young Pioneers!” God accepted, and after another month, the阎王, gloatingly asked God, “How is that party member doing?” God said, “First of all, please call me comrade…”
30.控制不住嘴巴的人就别闹腾着减肥，这不是纯恶心人吗？活该，死胖子，活该你这种人就只能对着那些XS的美衣流泪。夏天要到了，你那象腿就别自讨没趣地穿裙子了，你就不怕有人在背后悄悄惊叹你的勇气么，我比你瘦，比你努力，你活该这么丑。
30. If you can’t control your mouth, stop making a fuss about losing weight. Isn’t this just disgusting? You deserve it, fat ass, you deserve to cry in front of those XS beauties. Summer is coming, so don’t make a fool of yourself by wearing skirts with your elephant legs. Aren’t you afraid someone will secretly marvel at your courage behind your back? I’m thinner than you, and I work harder than you. You deserve to be this ugly.
31.完了，想你想得快完了，半夜眼睛都蓝了，买东西都忘给钱了，猪肉炖粉条都不馋了，+=都不难了，赵本山都看成孙楠了，哭得人民币都变成美元了！
31. I’m almost done for, thinking of you non-stop, my eyes turn blue in the midnight; I even forget to pay when shopping; I’m no longer craving for pork stew with vermicelli; everything is not difficult anymore; I even mistake Zhao Benshan for Sun Nan; I cry so hard that the renminbi turns into US dollars!
32.班主任老师谈考试的重要性，说道：平时考是点心，百吃不厌；段考是正餐，定时定量；联考是满汉全席，一次就够，你们为什么不好好用功呢？教室角落里一学生幽幽地说道：报告老师，我最近正在减肥！
32. The head teacher discusses the importance of exams, saying: Regular exams are like snacks, never getting tired of them; term exams are like regular meals, with fixed timing and quantity; joint exams are like a full Han feast, enough for once. Why don’t you study harder? A student from the corner of the classroom quietly says: Report to the teacher, I am on a diet recently!
33.离婚时不要财产的男人，一定不是好男人；离婚时不要财产的女人，一定是好女人。
33. A man who doesn’t want property during a divorce must not be a good man; a woman who doesn’t want property during a divorce must be a good woman.
34.去披萨店买披萨！服务员问我是要切成块还是块？我想了想说：还是块吧！块吃不完！
34. Go to the pizza shop to buy a pizza! The waiter asked me if I wanted it to be cut into pieces or chunks. I thought for a moment and said, “Let’s go with chunks! I can’t finish chunks!”
35.我允许你走进我的世界，但决不允许你在我的世界里走来走去。
35. I allow you to enter my world, but I absolutely don’t allow you to walk around in my world.
36.少一分骄傲，多一份自信。少一分吵闹，多一份安静。
36. Less pride, more confidence. Less noise, more quietness.
37.时间是最好的老师，但遗憾的是——最后他把所有的学生都弄死了…
37. Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately, in the end, he killed all his students…
38.你的脸皮可真够厚的，厚得连胡须眉毛皮毛都长不出来了！
38. Your face is so thick that not even beards, eyebrows, or body hair can grow on it!
39.老师，大事不好了，我的作业昨晚跟人家私奔了。
39. Teacher, there’s a big problem! My homework eloped with someone last night.
40.如果男人不帮你穿上婚纱，你就送他件袈裟。
40. If a man doesn’t help you put on a wedding dress, just give him a kasaya (Buddhist monk’s robe).
41.劳资每句话都是写给你看的，全世界都有动静就你特么没反应。
41. Every word I say is for you, the whole world reacts but you have no response.
42.在西藏，再努力也烧不开一壶水，说明大环境很重要；骑自行车，再努力也追不上宝马车，说明公平很重要；一个男人，再优秀没女人也生不下孩子，说明配合很重要；所以有时候，我们光是努力是不够的，还要学会适应环境和迎合规则。你说对不对？
42. In Tibet, no matter how hard you try, you can’t boil a pot of water, which shows that the environment is important; riding a bicycle, no matter how hard you try, you can’t catch up with a BMW, which shows that fairness is important; a man, no matter how excellent, can’t have a child without a woman, which shows that cooperation is important; so sometimes, effort is not enough, we also need to learn to adapt to the environment and cater to the rules. Do you agree?
43.“你神经病啊你！”“这你都知道，莫非你跟我是一个医院的？”
43. “You’re crazy!” “You know that? Are you from the same hospital as me?”
44.出生之前，父母从来没有问过我，“你想出生么？”其实，活着也是被迫的！
44. Before I was born, my parents never asked me, “Do you want to be born?” In fact, living is also forced!
45.如果你容不下我，说明不是你的心胸太狭窄，就是我的人格太伟大。
45. If you can’t tolerate me, it’s either because your mind is too narrow or my personality is too great.
46.有只老鼠去酒店偷喝酒,第只老鼠喝法国酒，三步就倒，第只老鼠喝美国酒，两步就倒，最后一只老鼠喝的二锅头，一手拿着菜刀，大喊：“猫呢？”
46. A mouse went to a hotel to steal some wine. The first mouse drank French wine and passed out in three steps, the second mouse drank American wine and passed out in two steps, and the last mouse drank Erguotou, holding a kitchen knife and shouting, “Where’s the cat?”
47.不要迷恋哥，嫂子会揍你。
47. Don’t be infatuated with me, my sister-in-law will beat you up.
48.人的一生就象在拉屎，有时你已经很努力了可出来的只是一个屁。
48. A person’s life is like taking a dump; sometimes you try hard but all that comes out is a fart.
49.据说逗比逗到了一定程度，会自称高冷已阵亡。
49. It is said that when someone becomes a fool to a certain extent, they will call themselves a deadpan.
50.此地禁止大小便，违者没收工具。
50. No defecation or urination allowed here, violators will have their tools confiscated.
51.放下你大学生的架子，找碗饭吃先！
51. Put aside your college student’s pride and find some food to eat first!
52.没事就得瑟得瑟，反正闲着也是闲着！
52. When there’s nothing to do, just show off, since you’re idle anyway!
53.聪明的女人对付男人，而笨女人对付女人。
53. Smart women deal with men, while stupid women deal with other women.
54.我由衷地想把赚钱变成我的业余爱好。
54. I sincerely want to make making money my hobby.
55.同事的小萝莉快满三岁了，一天同事有事，就让我带着他女儿去买棒棒糖吃，我带小萝莉走过一条小街，突然一哈士奇狗对着小萝莉汪汪叫。我以为小孩子会害怕。没想到小萝莉淡定的对它说：“凶什么凶，我老爸比你还凶都还得听我的话呢”
55. My colleague’s little girl is almost three years old. One day, my colleague had something to do, so he asked me to take his daughter to buy lollipops. I took the little girl through a small street when suddenly a Husky barked at her. I thought the child would be scared. But she calmly said to it, “What are you barking for? My dad is scarier than you and still has to listen to me.”
56.我们曾经追求过幸福，至少我们见过幸福的背影……
56. We have pursued happiness before, at least we have seen the back of happiness…
57.生，容易。活，容易。生活，不容易。
57. To be born is easy. To live is easy. To live a life is not easy.
58.如果以后只有一口稀饭了，你先喝，喝完了，我再把碗舔干净。
58. If there’s only a bowl of porridge left in the future, you drink it first, and after you finish, I’ll lick the bowl clean.
59.寂寞就是有人说话时，没人在听；有人在听时，你却没话说了！
59. Loneliness is when someone is talking, but no one is listening; when someone is listening, you have nothing to say!
60.我跟麻麻的关系已经够坏了，但班主任还不忘过来烧把火！
60. My relationship with my mom is already bad enough, but the headteacher still doesn’t forget to add fuel to the fire!
61.骑白马的不一定是王子，他可能是唐僧；带翅膀的也不一定是天使，妈妈说，那是鸟人。
61. The one riding a white horse might not be a prince; he could be Tang Seng (a Buddhist monk in the Chinese classic “Journey to the West”); and the one with wings might not be an angel, mom says it’s a bird person.
62.每次去听考试成绩，都有一种坐以待毙的感觉。
62. Every time I go to hear the exam results, I feel like I’m sitting and waiting to be executed.
63.别和我聊人生，和我聊生人吧！
63. Don’t talk to me about life; let’s talk about strangers!
64.可别踩我的鞋呀 你踩我的脚没事，可别踩我的鞋呀！
64. Please don’t step on my shoes! You can step on my feet if you want, but please don’t step on my shoes!
65.施主，化个B来日，化个胸摸下！
65. Devotee, change a B for tomorrow, feel the chest!
66.你玉树临风，英俊潇洒，风流倜傥，人见人爱，花见花开，想必一定是人渣中的极品，禽兽中的禽兽。
66. You are as graceful as a jade tree in the wind, handsome and dashing, a charming playboy, loved by everyone who meets you, and admired by every flower that blooms. You must be the ultimate scum of humanity, the beast among beasts.
67.高中有个同学成绩特别好，一次她无心却让我在全班出丑。我虽不以为然，像往常一样找她说话，给她买零食，但她却一直内疚，想要找机会补偿的样子。后来考试时她主动给我传了答案，我打开纸条，眼泪流了出来。以诚待人，定能感动上天，我的付出终于有了回报。想到这里，我喊了句：“老师，张翠兰作弊！”
1. 高中有个同学成绩特别好， In high school, there was a classmate with exceptional grades, 2. 一次她无心却让我在全班出丑。 once, unintentionally, she embarrassed me in front of the whole class. 3. 我虽不以为然，像往常一样找她说话，给她买零食， I didn’t take it to heart and continued to talk to her and buy her snacks as usual, 4. 但她却一直内疚，想要找机会补偿的样子。 but she felt guilty and seemed to be looking for an opportunity to make it up to me. 5. 后来考试时她主动给我传了答案， Later, during an exam, she took the initiative to pass me the answers, 6. 我打开纸条，眼泪流了出来。 I opened the note, and tears streamed down my face. 7. 以诚待人，定能感动上天，我的付出终于有了回报。 Treating others with sincerity will surely move the heavens, and my efforts have finally been rewarded. Thinking of this, 8. 我喊了句：“老师，张翠兰作弊！” I shouted, “Teacher, Zhang Cui Lan is cheating!”
68.忙了一晚上总算是把蚊子喂饱了呀！这身上一个包一个包的。
68. After a night of effort, I’ve finally managed to feed the mosquitoes! I’m covered with so many bumps.
69.中国领导人和美国领导人比谁的保镖更忠诚，美国领导人命令保镖从楼跳下去，保镖跪下说：“别这样，我还有家人。”。于是美国总统心软了。中国领导人命令保镖跳下去，中国保镖二话不说就要跳。美国总统吓得赶紧拉住他。中国保镖说：“别这样，我还有家人。
69. The Chinese leader and the American leader compared whose bodyguard was more loyal. The American leader ordered his bodyguard to jump from a building; the bodyguard knelt and said, “Please don’t do this, I have a family.” Touched by this, the American President relented. The Chinese leader ordered his bodyguard to jump, and the Chinese bodyguard was about to do so without hesitation. The American President was so frightened that he hurriedly pulled him back. The Chinese bodyguard said, “Please don’t do this, I have a family.”
70.生活真他妈好玩，因为生活老他妈玩我。
70. Life is such a fucking amusement, mainly because it keeps fucking playing me.
71.修养的艺术，其实就是说谎的艺术。
71. The art of self-cultivation is, in fact, the art of lying.
72.爱情就象鬼，相信的人多，见到的人少
72. Love is like a ghost; many believe in it, but few have seen it.
73.数学考O分，我仰天痛哭说，老天爷，为什么这样对我，我做错了什么。老天爷说，你做错了所有题。
73. I got an F in math and wailed to the sky, “God, why are you doing this to me? What did I do wrong?” God replied, “You did all the problems wrong.”
74.春天我把玉米埋在土里，到了秋天我就会收获很多玉米。春天我把老婆埋在土里，到了秋天我就会…被枪毙！
74. In spring, I bury corn in the ground, and by autumn, I will harvest a lot of corn. In spring, if I bury my wife in the ground, by autumn, I will… be executed!
75.告诉你别逼我，你要是在逼我，我就装死给你看！
75. I told you not to push me. If you keep pushing me, I’ll pretend to be dead for you to see!
76.刚从日企实习完的女同学回来感慨道：“不管多高档的会议多高档的人参加，那帮人台上斯文地跟你开着会，可台下却总有人在摸你大腿！”
76. The female classmate who just returned from an internship at a Japanese company sighed, “No matter how high-end the meeting or the people attending, those people on stage speak politely with you in the meeting, but there are always people touching your thighs offstage!”
77.下决心重新做人，以后说话卧槽一律改成怎么会是这样，尼玛改成你太令我失望了，滚蛋改成请你以后不要再出现在我面前了。例句：卧槽尼玛给劳资滚蛋！稍加润色变成怎么会变成这样？真是太令我失望了。请你以后不要再出现在我面前了好吗？从此现世安稳，岁月静好。
77. Make up your mind to start anew, and replace all instances of “卧槽” with “how could this be?”, “尼玛” with “you’ve disappointed me so much”, and “滚蛋” with “please don’t appear in front of me again”. Example sentence: 卧槽尼玛给劳资滚蛋! Slightly polished, it becomes “How could this have happened? You’ve truly disappointed me. Please don’t appear in front of me again, alright?” From then on, the world is peaceful, and the years are quiet.
78.世界上最没用的东西就是工资条，看着生气，擦屁股太细。
78. The most useless thing in the world is the pay stub, it makes you angry when you look at it, and it’s too thin to wipe your ass.
79.女友突然发来消息：“我看错你了！”我一下子慌了，看来瞒不住只好坦白：“你听我解释！是你闺蜜先勾引我的！”消息发出去的同时，收到女友的第二条消息：“刚路上有一男的背影发型跟你一模一样！”。
79. My girlfriend suddenly sent a message: “I’ve misjudged you!” I panicked and thought I couldn’t hide it anymore, so I confessed: “You have to listen to my explanation! It was your best friend who seduced me first!” As I sent the message, I received my girlfriend’s second message: “There was a man on the street with a back and hairstyle just like yours!”
80.为了我将来的孩纸不输在起跑线上，我现在给他们挂Q。
80. In order not to let my future children fall behind at the starting line, I’m hanging QQ for them now.
81.众里寻他千百度，抬头一看，他在天上飞…鸟人一个！
81. I searched for him a thousand times in the crowd, only to look up and find him flying in the sky… a bird man!
82.太太出门跟从太太命令服从太太说错了盲从；太太化妆等得太太生日记得太太打骂忍得太太花钱舍得。
82. Obey your wife when she goes out, follow her commands, blindly agree when she says something wrong; wait patiently when she’s putting on makeup, remember her birthday, endure her scolding and spanking, and be generous with the money she spends.
83.大师兄，你知道吗？二师兄的肉现在比师傅的都贵了。
83. Big brother, did you know? The price of second brother’s meat is now higher than that of our master’s.
84.你有权保持沉默，但你所说的每一句话都将成为遗言。
84. You have the right to remain silent, but every word you say will become your last words.
85.现在的梦想决定着你的将来，还是再睡一会吧！
85. Your dreams now determine your future, so let’s take a nap!
86.我有一颗瘦子的心，却也有一个胖子的胃。
86. I have the heart of a thin person, but also the stomach of a fat person.
87.不错！人都是逼出来的。
87. Not bad! People are forced out.
88.减肥彻底失败了——转行给老公踩背松骨…
88. My weight loss has completely failed - now I’m massaging my husband’s back.
89.执子之手，将子拖走。子说不走，好吧，关门放狗！
89. Holding your hand, I’ll drag you away. You say you won’t go, okay, close the door and let the dog out!
90.对于男人来说，最漂亮的女人是不能得到的女人；对女人来说，最潇洒的男人是已经拥有的男人。
90. For men, the most beautiful woman is the one they can’t get; for women, the most handsome man is the one they already have.
91.香蕉banana叫笨奶奶，苹果apple叫阿婆，tomato番茄这个厉害叫偷马桶。
91. Banana is called “stupid grandma”, apple is called “old lady”, tomato is impressively called “steal the toilet”.
92.大学考试,一女生作弊被抓，监考老师勒令她离开考场。女生趴在桌子上哭起来。监考老师连忙安慰：“没事，又不是全部科目不让你考了，回去吧！”那女生哭的更大了，老师只好又说：“别哭了，不算你作弊好了吧？”那女生还是大哭，一把鼻涕一把泪的。老师无奈：“要不咱再抄点？”哭声止！
92. During a college exam, a girl was caught cheating and the proctor ordered her to leave the exam room. The girl cried on the table. The proctor hurriedly comforted her: “It’s okay, it’s not like you’re not allowed to take all the subjects, go back!” The girl cried even louder, so the teacher had to say: “Stop crying, I won’t count it as cheating, okay?” The girl still cried, with tears and snot. The teacher had no choice: “How about we cheat some more?” The crying stopped!
93.你这个高级演化不完全的生命体，基因突变的外星人。
93. You are a highly evolved, yet incomplete life form, a genetically mutated alien.
94.本人纯属虚构，如遇在线，实属见鬼！
94. I am purely fictional, if you encounter me online, you must be seeing a ghost!
95.天下之大，大不过你缺的那块心眼。
95. The world is vast, but it’s not as big as the piece of wit you lack.
96.我对你的深情无法付诸语言，除了一句“滚一边去”。
96. My deep affection for you cannot be expressed in words, except for one sentence: “Go away!”
97.我发誓，以前发的誓从现在开始都取消！我发誓以后再也不发誓了！
97. I swear, all the oaths I made before are now canceled! I swear I’ll never make an oath again!
98.暗恋是成功的哑剧，说出来就成了悲剧。
98. Unrequited love is a successful mime act; once spoken, it becomes a tragedy.
99.世界上最没用的一句话:.police：不要跑！.国足：必胜！.老师：同学们不要睡了！.病人：医生，您轻点儿！.女人：不要嘛！.父母：孩子，不要闹了！.罪犯：我是冤枉的啊！.烟盒上的那句“吸烟有害健康”.“上帝会保佑你的”.分手时：“对不起”。
99. The most useless sentence in the world: “Police: Don’t run!” “National football team: We will win!” “Teacher: Class, don’t sleep!” “Patient: Doctor, be gentle!” “Woman: No!” “Parents: Child, stop making a fuss!” “Criminal: I’m innocent!” “The warning on cigarette packs: ‘Smoking is harmful to health.’” “God will bless you.” “I’m sorry” when breaking up.
100.我和妻子已经个月没说话了，我没机会打断她。
100. My wife and I haven’t spoken for months, I just haven’t had the chance to interrupt her.
1.迄今为止，三个苹果改变了世界:一个诱惑了夏娃，一个砸醒了牛顿，一个握在乔布斯手里。
1. So far, three apples have changed the world: one tempted Eve, one awakened Newton, and one was held in Jobs’ hand.
2.现在北京只有呼吸和放屁不用排队了。
2. Now in Beijing, the only things that don’t need to wait in line are breathing and farting.
3.即使你已名花有主，我也要移花接木。
3. Even if you’re already taken, I will still try to win you over.
4.鹅鹅鹅，曲项用刀割，拔毛加瓢水，点火盖上锅!
4. Goose, goose, goose, with a curved neck and a knife to cut, pluck feathers and add a ladle of water, light the fire and cover the pot!
5.国家为什么没有拿你的脸皮去研究防弹衣呢?
5. Why hasn’t the country used your脸皮 (face) to research bulletproof vests?
6.莫非阁下就是当年华山论贱的智障大师养的小沙弥低能狗旺财踩死的屎壳螂层滚过的的一颗粪球?
6. Could it be that you are the little monk raised by the mentally challenged master from the Huashan Debate, who was trampled by the lowly dog Wangcai, and stepped on by the dung beetle, all over a ball of feces?
7.你不是我脑袋里的交警，无权干预我的走向。
7. You are not the traffic cop in my head; you have no right to interfere with my direction.
8.你的笑容比阳光下那坨狗屎还灿烂。
8. Your smile is more brilliant than that pile of dog poop in the sunlight.
9.那些总说别人装逼的人，你们连逼都不是。
9. Those who always accuse others of showing off, you are not even worth showing off.
10.我不恨你，因为我不想记住你。
10. I don’t hate you, because I don’t want to remember you.
11.孔子曰：西游记就是孙悟空念咒，唐僧发疯。
11. Confucius said: The Journey to the West is just Sun Wukong chanting spells while Tang Sanzang goes mad.
12.别人笑我太淫荡，我笑他人不开放
12. Others laugh at my indecency, but I laugh at their lack of openness.
13.对着电脑唱忐忑，唱完后，死机了。
13. I sang “Tantrum” to the computer, and after finishing, it crashed.
14.想死，买了瓶农药，盖子上写——再来一瓶
14. Wanting to die, I bought a bottle of pesticide, and the cap said - “One more bottle coming.”
15.鸵鸟的幸福，只是一堆沙子。
15. The happiness of an ostrich is just a pile of sand.
16.一觉醒来，天都黑了。
16. Waking up from a nap, the sky has turned dark.
17.为什么一看书，就困呢？因为书，是梦开始的地方。
17. Why does reading make me sleepy? Because books are where dreams begin.
18.好马不吃回头草，所以我一直不回头向前绕圈走，结果我又碰上那草了。
18. A good horse doesn’t eat the grass behind it, so I kept moving forward without looking back, and ended up running into that grass again.
19.其实，我有一个角度看上去很帅，只不过你们没有找到罢了。
19. In fact, I have an angle where I look handsome, but you just haven’t found it yet.
20.友情不是靠酒喝出来的，但是可以用酒来回味！如果说你不装B的话咱们还可以做朋友。
20. Friendship is not built on drinking, but it can be reminisced with alcohol! If you don’t act like a show-off, we can still be friends.
21.三鹿和蒙牛告诉我们一个道理：畜生是靠不住的。
21. The Sanlu and Mengniu incidents teach us a lesson: animals cannot be relied upon.
22.我的兴趣爱好可分为静态和动态两种，静态就是睡觉，动态就是翻身…
22. My hobbies can be divided into static and dynamic ones. Static is sleeping, and dynamic is turning over…
23.在神经的人群里呆久了，我发现我正常了。
23. After staying in a group of mentally unstable people for a long time, I found that I became normal.
24.我们老板是小怪兽，我们是奥特曼。但我们见了老板就跑，因为我们没带召唤器。
24. Our boss is a little monster, and we are Ultramen. But when we see the boss, we run away because we don’t have the summoner.
25.生活中处处都有惊吓，你就是其中一个。
25. Surprises can be found everywhere in life, and you are one of them.
26.爷不是你的小浣熊，玩不出你的其乐无穷。
26. I am not your little raccoon, and I can’t play your endless fun.
27.我想说我就一苦逼，世界末日的那天就是我的生日。
27. I want to say I am just a miserable person, and the day of the end of the world is my birthday.
28.人活着是为什么？就为了那一张张伟大的毛爷爷。
28. Why do people live? Just for those great Chairman Mao notes.
29.长得丑不是你的错，你老实er的不行么，非得得瑟一下，让我们知道你是大哥。
29. It’s not your fault for being ugly. Can’t you just be honest? You have to show off and let us know you are the boss.
30.吃货的人生就像一列火车，总结起来就是，逛吃，逛吃，逛吃。
30. A foodie’s life is like a train, which can be summarized as: shopping and eating, shopping and eating, shopping and eating.
31.诸葛亮出山前也没带过兵啊，你们凭啥要我有工作经验！
31. Zhuge Liang didn’t lead soldiers before he came out of the mountain, so why do you expect me to have work experience?
32.不要同没有素质的人争论，因为那就像与猪摔跤，赢了不光荣，输了更丢人。
32. Don’t argue with people who have no quality because it’s like wrestling with a pig. Winning is not glorious, and losing is even more embarrassing.
33.给我订两张去天庭的机票，我要亲自找月老，逼着他给我牵一条红线。
33. Book me two tickets to heaven, and I will go to find the Matchmaker, forcing him to tie a red thread for me.
34.每年夏天晒黑了，我总是会想“没事，冬天就修复好了”
34. Every summer, when I get tanned, I always think, “It’s okay, it will be repaired in winter.”
35.遗传学淡定的告诉我们：跨物种恋爱注定是没有好结果的。
35. Genetics calmly tells us: interspecies love is doomed to have no good results.
36.烟熏装很美，让我成了众人举目的熊猫。
36. Smoky makeup is beautiful, making me the panda that everyone looks at.
37.你矮是终身的，我胖却是暂时的。
37. Your short stature is lifelong, but my fat is temporary.
38.你说，哪天我不要你了，你一定终身不嫁，让我内疚。
38. You said that if one day I don’t want you anymore, you will never marry, making me feel guilty.
39.你美中不足的是，就是有太多的不足了。
39. The only flaw in your beauty is that there are too many flaws.
40.车到山前必有路，哪怕山前拆车卖轱辘。
40. When the car reaches the mountain, there must be a road, even if it means dismantling the car and selling the wheels in front of the mountain.
41.在这低调的世界里，我不得不用高调来掩饰自己。
41. In this low-profile world, I have no choice but to use high-profile to cover myself up.
42.会演戏的不一定都是演员，会装的一定就是孙子。
42. Not everyone who can act is an actor, but those who can pretend are definitely grandsons.
43.不听老人言，死在我面前，唔唔唔！
43. If you don’t listen to the elderly, die in front of me, mumble mumble mumble!
44.在家不能对着手机笑，家长会以为你在恋爱。
44. At home, don’t laugh at your phone, or your parents will think you’re in love.
45.不管瘦的时候美成啥样，胖了之后都一个德行。
45. No matter how beautiful you are when you’re thin, you all look the same when you’re fat.
46.黑夜给了我一双黑色的眼睛，可我却用它来翻白眼。
46. The night gave me a pair of black eyes, but I use them to roll my eyes.
47.我是个演员，一看见漂亮MM眼就圆。
47. I’m an actor, and my eyes become round when I see a pretty girl.
48.给我一个支点，我把邻居那小子的汽车翘到沟里去，省得他见我就按喇叭。
48. Give me a fulcrum, and I’ll lever that neighbor kid’s car into the ditch, so he won’t honk at me when he sees me.
49.我还年青，需要指点。但是，不需要您对我指指点点…
49. I’m still young and need guidance. However, I don’t need you pointing fingers at me…
50.请不要把我对你的容忍，当成你不要脸的资本。
50. Please don’t take my tolerance of you as your shameless capital.
51.你匍匐在地上仰视别人，就不能怪人家站得笔直俯视你。
51. If you’re crawling on the ground and looking up at others, you can’t blame them for standing straight and looking down at you.
52.下雨了，别忘了打伞，湿身是小，淋病就麻烦啦！
52. It’s raining, don’t forget to open your umbrella. Getting wet is a minor issue, but catching a cold would be troublesome!
53.活了二十多年，没能为祖国为人民做点什么，每思及此，伤心欲绝。
53. I’ve lived for more than 20 years, and I haven’t done anything for my country or people. Thinking about this makes me heartbroken.
54.将薪比薪的想一下，算了，不想活了。
54. Comparing salaries, forget it, I don’t want to live anymore.
55.所谓的单纯，长了翅膀的就是天使，没长翅膀的就是白痴。
55. So-called innocence, with wings, you’re an angel; without wings, you’re an idiot.
56.与其混，与其熬，不如二，不如飙。
56. Instead of loafing or enduring, it’s better to be second or go all out.
57.生活就像忐忑，没有准确的歌词，却惊心动魄。
57. Life is like “T忐忑”, without accurate lyrics, yet it’s thrilling.
58.女人分结婚与不结婚两种，男人分自愿结婚与被迫结婚两种。
58. Women are divided into married and unmarried, while men are divided into voluntary and forced marriages.
59.天苍苍、地茫茫、物价不断长。买的起车，加不起油，公交还挺忙，有车一族终成伤。挣不来钱去买房，美女在上涨，价位不可挡，凭俺的收入，今生无希望，独叹空悲对月流，清风吹落泪两行!
59. The sky is vast, the earth is boundless, and prices keep rising. I can afford a car but not the gas; the bus is still busy. The car owners end up hurt. Can’t make money to buy a house, beautiful women are on the rise, prices unstoppable. With my income, there’s no hope in this life. Sighing alone, tears streaming down in the moonlight!
60.结婚当然是件好事，上瘾就麻烦了。
60. Marriage is certainly a good thing, but getting addicted to it is troublesome.
61.江山如画皮，人生如梦遗。
61. The landscape is like a painting, and life is like a dream left behind.
62.不要说别人脑子有病，脑子有病的前提是必须有个脑子。
62. Don’t say someone has a problem with their brain; the prerequisite for having a problem with their brain is that they must have a brain.
63.不蒸馒头争口气行吗?
63. Can we fight for our dignity without making steamed buns?
64.不要乐观的像个屁一样，自以为能惊天动地。
64. Don’t be optimistic like a fart, thinking it can shake the heavens and move the earth.
65.步步高打火机，哪里不会点哪里。
65. Step by step, the lighter is high; point where you don’t know.
66.男人不能惯，越惯越混蛋。女人就得宠，越宠越有种，还是别人的。
66. Men should not be spoiled, the more spoiled they are, the more bastards they become. Women should be pampered, the more pampered they are, the more character they have, but still, they belong to others.
67.穿的一个比一个危险，长得一个比一个安全
67. One is more dangerous than the other in clothing, and one is safer than the other in appearance.
68.春色满园关不住，我诱红杏出墙来。
68. The spring scenery in the garden cannot be contained; I lure the red apricot out of the wall.
69.到处都有痛苦，而比痛苦更为持久且尖利伤人的是，到处都有抱有期望的等待。
69. There is pain everywhere, and what is more enduring and sharper than pain is the waiting filled with expectations everywhere.
70.和你擦肩而过你却不知道是我，因为我把头扭过去了。
70. I passed by you, but you didn’t know it was me because I turned my head away.
71.即使有人骂我神经病，我也会坚强的抬起头蔑视的对他说“你难道和我一个医院的?
71. Even if someone calls me a lunatic, I will raise my head strong and contemptuously say to him, “Are you from the same hospital as me?”
72.戒烟容易，戒你太难!
72. Quitting smoking is easy, but quitting you is too hard!
73.考试时，本想要咸鱼翻锅的，他奶奶的，没想到粘锅了。
73. During the exam, I wanted to turn the salted fish, but it stuck to the pan.
74.没有人在世界上能够“弃”你，除非你自己自暴自弃。因为我们是属于自己的，并不属于他人。
74. No one in the world can “abandon” you unless you give up on yourself. Because we belong to ourselves, not to others.
75.从前有人在我空间里跑堂，不到两秒钟，嘎的一下就死了。
75. Once, someone ran through my space, and in less than two seconds, they suddenly died.
76.大部分人一辈子只做三件事：自欺、欺人被人欺。
76. Most people do three things in their lives: deceive themselves, deceive others, and be deceived by others.
77.你的年龄有多大，我不关心。我想知道，为了爱，为了梦，为了生机勃勃的奇遇，你是否愿意像傻瓜一样冒险?
77. I don’t care how old you are. I want to know, for love, for dreams, for vibrant adventures, are you willing to take risks like a fool?
78.顾客不是上帝，顾客只是上当。
78. Customers are not God; customers are just deceived.
79.人间正道是沧桑，活的不要太嚣张。
79. The right path in the world is full of vicissitudes; don’t live too arrogantly.
80.如果你年轻却不激进，那么你就是个没心的人，如果你老了却不保守，那么你就是个没脑的人。
80. If you are young but not radical, then you are heartless; if you are old but not conservative, then you are brainless.
81.如今这社会，女的照相照胸，男的照相照车谁知道胸是不是挤的，车是不是你的。
81. In today’s society, women take photos showing their breasts, and men take photos showing their cars. Who knows if the breasts are squeezed or if the cars are really yours?
82.你肺活量是多少啊，能把牛B吹的这么大。
82. How much lung capacity do you have to blow such a huge牛皮 (literally “cow leather”, a metaphor for bragging or exaggeration)?
83.本无意与众不同，怎奈何品味出众。
83. I didn’t intend to stand out, but my outstanding taste made it impossible.
84.闭上眼睛，我看到了我的前途。
84. When I close my eyes, I see my future.
85.起的比鸡早，睡的比猫晚，赚的比秃子的毛还少。
85. Waking up earlier than a rooster, sleeping later than a cat, and earning less than a bald man’s hair.
86.打个小麻将，吃个麻辣烫。找个小对象，生活就这样。
86. Play a small game of mahjong, eat some spicy hot pot. Find a small partner, and that’s life.
87.当江湖有了传说，不满城风雨，是对不起观众的。
87. When there are legends in the world, it would be a shame not to have a city full of storms and rain.
88.凡事皆有代价，快乐的代价便是痛苦。
88. Everything has a price; the price of happiness is pain.
89.我是心眼小，但是不缺，我是脾气好，但不是没有！
89. I may have a small mind, but it’s not lacking. I may have a good temper, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have one!
90.你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
90. You might as well let me kneel on the washboard; I can’t stand kneeling on the electric heater!
91.女人一生最喜欢两朵花：一是有钱花，二是尽量花！
91. In a woman’s life, she loves two kinds of flowers: one is spending money, and the other is trying her best to spend!
92.两只鸳鸯同命鸟，一对蝴蝶可怜虫。
92. Two mandarin ducks are birds with the same fate, while a pair of butterflies are pitiful creatures.
93.天上掉钞票我不会弯腰，因为天上连馅饼都不会掉，更别说掉钞票了。
93. I won’t bend down to pick up banknotes falling from the sky because even pies don’t fall from the sky, let alone banknotes.
94.是人都有阴暗面，如果你偏说你很单纯，那我只能说，你不是人！
94. Everyone has a dark side. If you insist on saying you’re innocent, then I have to say, you’re not human!
95.有时候，除了谎言是真的，其它全是假的！
95. Sometimes, the only true thing is a lie, and everything else is fake!
96.鸳鸯戏水，都他妈淹死；比翼双飞，都他妈摔死！
96. Mandarin ducks playing in the water all drown; birds flying side by side all crash.
97.明星脱一点就能更出名，我脱的光光的却被抓起来了！
97. Celebrities become more famous when they reveal a little, but when I stripped naked, I got arrested!
98.暧昧就是我找你借钱，你没说借，也没说不借，而是只说你老公不在家……
98. Ambiguity is like when I ask you for a loan, and instead of saying yes or no, you only mention that your husband is not at home…
99.俗话说：你笑，全世界都跟着你笑；你哭，全世界只有你一个人哭。
99. As the saying goes: when you laugh, the whole world laughs with you; when you cry, only you cry alone.
100.当我看见美女的时候，首先摸摸兜里，看看有没有钱！
100. When I see a beautiful woman, I first check my pocket to see if I have any money!
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