1、床前明月光，疑是地上霜，举头望明月，我叫郭德纲！ 
1. Before my bed, the bright moonlight, I wonder if it’s frost on the ground; I raise my head and look at the bright moon, my name is Guo Degang!

2、好些天都没吃饭了，看谁都像烙饼。
2. I haven’t eaten for several days, and everyone looks like a pancake to me.

3、从今儿起，我吃龙虾再也不就饼了。
3. From now on, I will no longer eat lobster with pancakes.

4、我小学十年，中学十二年，我被评为全校最熟悉的面孔，新老师来了都跟我打听学校内幕
4. I spent ten years in elementary school and twelve years in middle school; I was voted the most familiar face in the school, and new teachers would ask me about the school’s inside stories.

5、社会进步了，女人是生活中的强者；科技发展了，男人是床上的弱者！
5. Society has progressed, and women have become the strong ones in life; technology has developed, and men have become the weak ones in bed!

6、《单刀会》大伙儿都知道，刘关张桃园三结义嘛，哥仨一个头磕在地上跟亲哥们一样，然后哥仨就保护唐僧西天取经去了。《红楼梦》里有这故事。
6. Everyone knows “The Single Saber Assembly”; Liu, Guan, and Zhang made a brotherhood in the Peach Garden, and the three of them knocked their heads on the ground like close friends. Then, the three brothers went to protect Tang Seng on his journey to the West. This story is in “Dream of the Red Chamber.”

7、我吃快点，我欺骗我的胃：你饱了，你饱了…
7. I eat quickly to deceive my stomach: You’re full, you’re full…

8、听见你父亲去世的消息，街坊邻居哭成一片：这么好的人啊，死晚了！
8. Upon hearing the news of your father’s death, neighbors cried: Such a good person, he died too late!

9、郭德纲为了那点代言费用早就已经忘本了，郭德纲面临商业欺诈，可能会坐牢。
9. In order to earn that endorsement fee, Guo Degang has long forgotten his roots; Guo Degang faces commercial fraud and may go to jail.

10、谁要不认识他，谁就没吃过猪肉。
10. If someone doesn’t know him, they haven’t eaten pork.

11、来到天堂，这儿建筑好看，两边还有牌子：天堂左右一百米严禁摆摊！
11. Arriving in heaven, the architecture here is beautiful, and there are signs on both sides: No vending within 100 meters of heaven!

12、你无耻的样子很有我当年的神韵。
12. Your shameless appearance has the charm I had back then.

13、上次喝多了，拿筷子当鸡爪子，吃了一根半。
13. Last time I drank too much, I mistook chopsticks for chicken feet and ate one and a half.

14、好老师无论在哪张床上都能把你们带上天堂，不好的老师直接带你们去住总捅套房！ 郭德纲
14. A good teacher can take you to heaven no matter which bed they are on, while a bad teacher can take you straight to the presidential suite! Guo Degang

15、来一两啤酒，再来四颗花生米，等会儿，这有一个（在地上拣一个），来三颗就行了。
15. A glass of beer, please, and four peanuts. Wait, there’s one on the ground. Just give me three, then.

16、恒久远永流传－－福尔马林，这一瓶都是你的。
16. Timeless and everlasting - formaldehyde. This bottle is all yours.

17、我们历年历届大赛的节目，春晚的节目，要是拿到剧场，卖票，连电钱都不够啊。
17. Our annual contest programs, Spring Festival programs, if sold as tickets in the theater, wouldn’t even cover the electricity costs.

18、爬塔比赛，设一二三等奖，一等奖五万，二等奖七万…..
18. Climbing tower competition, with first, second, and third prizes; first prize is 50,000, and second prize is 70,000…

19、两口子不一定感情好，感情好不一定是两口子；相声大师不一定会说相声，歌星不一定识谱。
19. A couple may not necessarily have good feelings, and those with good feelings may not necessarily be a couple; a master of crosstalk may not necessarily be able to tell a joke, and a singing star may not necessarily know music.

20、你要舍得死，我就舍得埋。
20. If you dare to die, I dare to bury you.

21、来一斤西瓜，称给准点儿。
21. A pound of watermelon, please weigh it accurately.

22、爸爸，我饿！又喊饿，你去年没吃饭吗？
22. Dad, I’m hungry! You keep complaining about hunger; did you not eat last year?

23、不成熟的人为了伟大的事业而死去，成熟的人为了伟大的事业而卑贱地活着。
23. Immature people die for great causes, while mature people live humbly for great causes.

24、当一个人有着大智慧，当他可以看破很多东西的时候，（郭德纲）他反而可以退一步，比较轻松地看待很多事情。
24. When a person has great wisdom and can see through many things, (Gu Degang) he can take a step back and more easily deal with many things.

25、我们不是大师，也不是同行们骂的那样，什么败类啊等等，那都是对着镜子说的。
25. We are not masters, nor are we the despicable people our peers criticize; that’s just talking to oneself in the mirror.

26、于谦老师，相声说的好，肚囊也宽绰，我们都尊称他为相声皇后。
26. Mr. Yu Qian, you tell great crosstalk, and you have a generous heart; we all respectfully call you the Queen of Crosstalk.

27、 我想想啊新疆，柴达木，这得算三环外了吧？
27. Let me think, Xinjiang, Chaidam, this must be outside the Third Ring Road, right?

28、枯藤老树昏鸦，小桥流水人家。古道西风瘦马，夕阳西下，断肠人在医院。
28. Withered vines, old trees, dusk crows; small bridges, flowing water, people’s homes. Ancient roads, western winds, skinny horses; the setting sun descends, heartbroken people in the hospital.

29、你好我叫郭德纲，你猜我是谁？
29. Hello, my name is Guo Degang, can you guess who I am?

30、年轻人，你就是凌晨两三点钟的太阳。
30. Young people, you are like the sun at two or three o’clock in the morning.

31、法律不管我早打死他了。
31. If it weren’t for the law, I would have killed him long ago.

32、三尺龙泉万卷书，上天生我意何如，不能报国平天下，我是谁的丈夫？于谦：什么词啊您这是郭德纲：唐诗嘛于谦唐诗里怎么还有找媳妇这里头？
32. Three feet of Longquan sword, ten thousand scrolls of books; Heaven created me for what purpose? If I cannot serve my country and bring peace to the world, who am I as a husband? Yu Qian: What kind of poem is this? Guo Degang: It’s a Tang poem. Yu Qian: How come there’s finding a wife in a Tang poem? Guo Degang: It’s a Tang poem, of course!

33、向后翻腾三周半零一个多月。
33. Backward somersault with three and a half twists and a little over a month.

34、我扔铅球扔得可远了，教练说了，人出去了不算啊！
34. I can throw the shot put so far; the coach said it doesn’t count if I go out of bounds!

35、结婚大家都熟悉，是广大人民群众一种喜闻乐见的业余活动。
35. Marriage is familiar to everyone; it’s a popular leisure activity among the masses.

36、床前明月光，疑是地上霜，举头望明月，我叫郭德纲。
36. The bright moonlight in front of my bed, I suspect it’s frost on the ground. I raise my head to look at the bright moon, my name is Guo Degang.

37、于谦在我心里，就是一完人这人完了。
37. In my heart, Yu Qian is a perfect person; this person is finished.

38、天下最不是人的就是人。
38. The most despicable creatures in the world are humans.

39、这头儿最坏！岁杀了他爸，岁把母亲推入河中，岁自灭满门！看了她不到分钟，眼泪儿下来了－－大姐，我想这是场误会
39. This leader is the worst! He killed his father at the age of 15, pushed his mother into the river at 16, and exterminated his entire family at the age of 17! After watching her for less than a minute, tears came down - Sister, I think there’s been a misunderstanding.

40、床前明月光，疑是地上霜，举头望明月，我叫郭德纲
40. The bright moonlight in front of my bed, I suspect it’s frost on the ground. I raise my head to look at the bright moon, my name is Guo Degang.

41、今天说的这故事，离现在不远，家里有老人的可以回去问问，在春秋战国时期啊。
41. The story I’m telling today isn’t far from the present. If you have elderly family members, you can ask them about the Spring and Autumn and Warring States periods.

42、科学家会武术，神仙都挡不住。
42. When scientists know martial arts, even the gods can’t stop them.

43、大伙是愿意听啊是愿意听啊还是愿意听啊？我决不强求。
43. Do you guys want to listen? Do you want to listen? Or do you just want to listen? I won’t force you.

44、白天鹅乐队–白天就敢讹你。
44. White Swan Band - We dare to swindle you in broad daylight.

45、这小伙子长得，把脸挡上跟个演员似的。
45. This young man looks like an actor with his face covered.

46、马瘦毛长蹄子肥，儿子偷爹不算贼。瞎大爷娶个瞎大奶奶，老俩口过了多半辈谁也没看见谁。
46. A skinny horse with long hair and fat hooves, a son stealing from his father is not considered a thief. A blind old man marries a blind old woman, and they’ve spent most of their lives together without ever seeing each other.

47、近猪者胖，近尿者骚。
47. Being close to pigs makes you fat, being close to urine makes you smelly.

48、我参与，你奉献，我快乐！
48. I participate, you contribute, and I’m happy!

49、走自己的路，想说谁说谁去吧
49. Go your own way and let others talk as they please.

50、郭先生您自重啊我们只卖身不卖艺。
50. Mr. Guo, please behave. We only sell our bodies, not our talents.

51、找一个围棋表演艺术家为我们表演。
51. Find a Go performance artist to entertain us.

52、啊？你不知道我？我艺术家啊！我都艺术家一个多礼拜了。
52. Ah? You don’t know me? I’m an artist! I’ve been an artist for more than a week.

53、不想当厨子的裁缝不是好司机。
53. A tailor who doesn’t want to be a chef is not a good driver.

54、很多女明星不红的原因是因为没有张开腿
54. The reason many female celebrities aren’t famous is because they haven’t spread their legs.

55、于老师人家祖祖辈辈都有钱，他的曾祖，曾经是前清宫的二品带剪子护卫。
55. Teacher Yu’s family has been wealthy for generations. His great-grandfather was once a second-class scissors-bearing guard in the Qing Dynasty palace.

56、家里有钱，开一开门的卡迪拉克。一听声音就知道是好机器，德国进口的，突突突突，哦，三蹦子。
56. With money at home, you can drive a door-opening Cadillac. Just listen to the sound, and you know it’s a good machine, imported from Germany, putt-putt-putt, oh, a three-hop vehicle.

57、天地无声、心胸宽广、谁家的事都是我的事、为百姓造福、为社会解忧、专门帮助你们这些个无权无势的弱智群体，（弱势群体）拿你的事当我的事，看谁都像我的儿女们。
57. The world is silent, the heart is open, everyone’s business is my business, benefiting the people, solving society’s worries, specifically helping you weak and powerless groups (disadvantaged groups), treating your affairs as my own, and seeing everyone as my children.

58、婚姻是爱情的坟墓 如果没有房子，你连坟墓都进不去！
58. Marriage is the grave of love. Without a house, you can’t even get into the grave!

59、床前明月光，疑是地上霜，举头望明月，（啪！响木一敲）我叫郭德纲。
59. In front of the bed, the bright moonlight, it looks like frost on the ground, looking up at the bright moon, (crack! A wooden clapper敲响) My name is Guo Degang.

60、那是你爸爸，我说的是你父亲！
60. That’s your father; I’m talking about your dad!

61、我媳妇就跟我说了好好说相声，别的都甭管，把相声说好就行了她这也叫望子成龙了。
61. My wife just told me to focus on telling good crosstalk stories and not to worry about anything else. She’s really hoping for great things from me.

62、报复以前贫穷的日子！买个有里的褂子，上车咱也投币，存自行车不划价了
62. To get back at the days of poverty! Buy a decent jacket, take the bus and pay the fare, and don’t bargain when storing bicycles.

63、请导演吃饭吧，导演说了简单一点要吃兰州料理于谦：兰州料理？
63. Let’s treat the director to a meal. The director said he wants something simple, Lanzhou cuisine. Yu Qian: Lanzhou cuisine?

64、老头那屋满屋都是书，繁体的，简体的，古文的，外文的，哎呀这个有学问呢！各种版本的《金瓶梅》都有。 相声和影视剧演员、电视脱口秀主持人郭德纲书名言
64. The old man’s room is full of books, traditional and simplified Chinese, ancient texts, foreign languages, oh my, this man is so knowledgeable! He has various versions of “Jin Ping Mei”.

65、流氓会武术，谁也挡不住科学家会武术，流氓也挡不住！
65. If a thug knows martial arts, no one can stop him; if a scientist knows martial arts, even thugs can’t stop him!

66、围棋大家都熟悉，马走日，象走田，来走，军长，诶诶，胡啦…..
66. We’re all familiar with the game of Go, the knight moves in a day, the bishop moves in a field, come on, commander, oh, busted…

67、大爷，美国怎么走啊 那谁知道啊问村长去！
67. Old man, how do you get to America? Who knows? Go ask the village head!

68、我眼前闪过许多英雄人物的形象，有一位西门大官人，还有爱好摄影的陈老师（陈冠希）。
68. Many heroic figures flashed before my eyes, one of them was the great official from the West Gate, and another was Teacher Chen who loves photography (Edison Chen).

69、只有同行之间才是赤裸裸的仇恨。
69. Only among peers can there be such naked hatred.

70、我是黑社会的，你们可怜可怜我吧。
70. I’m in the mob, please have mercy on me.

71、他们家有门风么，走道不拣东西就算丢
71. They have no family principles; if you don’t pick up something while walking, it’s considered a loss.

72、给你一根面条就能撬开锁，给你一包方便面把整个楼道的锁撬开。
72. Give you a noodle, and you can unlock a door; give you a pack of instant noodles, and you can unlock all the locks in the building.

73、那锁拿根面条一捅就开，一包方便面能开一小区。
73. That lock can be opened with a noodle, and a pack of instant noodles can open an entire community.

74、次航班，由打西直门开往中关村，票价元，请您登机。你说这多有意思。乘务员站那儿得喊，快上快上有大座儿，有大座儿。
74. Flight number, departing from Xizhimen to Zhongguancun, ticket price yuan, please board the plane. Isn’t that interesting? The flight attendant has to shout, “Hurry up, there are big seats, big seats!”

75、相声讲究四门功课：坑。蒙。拐。骗！
75. Crosstalk focuses on four skills: trapping, deceiving, coaxing, and cheating!

76、文能提笔安天下，武能上马定乾坤上炕认识娘儿们下炕认识鞋。
76. In literature, I can write to bring peace to the world; in martial arts, I can ride to stabilize the realm; in bed, I know the ladies; and off the bed, I know the shoes.

77、他那照片，贴在门上避邪，贴床头避孕。
77. His photos, if pasted on the door, can ward off evil spirits; if pasted on the bedside, they can serve as contraception.

78、给您表演的是北京丐帮的少帮主李菁
78. The performance is by the young leader of the Beijing Beggars’ Gang, Li Jing.

79、您大点声不费电！
79. Please speak louder, it doesn’t cost extra electricity!

80、哪里跌倒就在哪里躺下。
80. If you fall, just lie down right there.

81、住的房子千疮百孔，一下雨算要了亲命了：外边小雨屋里中雨，外边大雨屋里暴雨，有时候雨实在太大了，全家人都上街上避雨去了。
81. The house I live in is full of holes, and when it rains, it’s like a matter of life and death: a light rain outside turns into a moderate rain inside, a heavy rain outside turns into a storm inside, and sometimes when the rain is really too heavy, the whole family has to go out on the street to avoid the rain.

82、今天好比七月七，神鸟遇见外国鸡。
82. Today is just like the seventh day of the seventh lunar month, when a mythical bird meets a foreign chicken.

83、王先生，学问好啊，比大学生强，比硕士强，比博士强，比院士强，您是烈士。
83. Mr. Wang, your knowledge is great, better than college students, better than master’s students, better than PhD students, better than academicians, you are a martyr.

84、有人也骂过我：郭德纲那个相声没有品味，不规矩。要规矩你看升国旗去。
84. Some people have criticized me too: Guo Degang’s crosstalk has no taste and is unorthodox. If you want orthodoxy, go watch the flag-raising ceremony.

85、卡拉是条狗，我写的，我打算再写一个于谦是个猪
85. Kara is a dog, I wrote it, and I plan to write another one called Yu Qian is a pig.

86、走自己的路，想说谁说谁去吧。
86. Go your own way and let people say what they want.

87、大伙是愿意听啊，是愿意听啊，还是是愿意听啊，我决不强求。
87. Everyone is willing to listen, right? Are they willing to listen? Or are they really willing to listen? I won’t force anyone.

88、烙饼卷馒头就着米饭吃。
88. Eating fried pancakes rolled in steamed buns with rice.

89、您体格好啊，一看就知道一准儿活到死。
89. You have a good physique; at first glance, I can tell you’ll definitely live until you die.

90、爸爸，我饿！ 又喊饿，你去年没吃饭吗
90. Dad, I’m hungry! You’re shouting about being hungry again; didn’t you eat last year?

91、现在的手机多高级啊，彩屏的、翻盖的、滑盖的、打的通的、打不通的。
91. Nowadays, mobile phones are so advanced, with color screens, flip covers, sliding covers, some that can make calls, some that can’t.

92、（台下一观众喊）：郭德纲，你不是一个人！郭德纲：对，咱俩。（又一个观众喊）：还有我。郭德纲：咱仨。
92. (An audience member shouts): Guo Degang, you’re not alone! Guo Degang: Right, it’s just the two of us. (Another audience member shouts): And me! Guo Degang: Then it’s the three of us.

93、俗话说人往高出走，尿往低处流
93. As the saying goes, people move upwards, while urine flows downwards.

94、要不是打不过你，我早跟你翻脸了。
94. If I could beat you, I would have already turned against you.

95、你叫什么名字？你别说出来啊！你说出来就是骂街！
95. What’s your name? Don’t say it out loud! If you say it out loud, it’s like swearing in the streets!

96、有人说要抛弃传统相声，这就值左右开弓一千四百个大嘴巴！
96. Some people say they want to abandon traditional crosstalk; that’s worth giving them 1,400 slaps in the face, one for each side!

97、我要了份鱼翅炒饭，用三双筷子楞没找着鱼翅，你能告诉我鱼翅在哪吗？厨师说，我叫鱼翅。
97. I ordered shark fin fried rice, but I couldn’t find any shark fin with three pairs of chopsticks. Can you tell me where the shark fin is? The chef said, “My name is Yu Chi (shark fin).”

98、我当艺术家都一个多礼拜了。
98. I’ve been an artist for more than a week now.

99、拿痰桶炒菜说是革新，那他娘的谁敢吃呀。
99. Cooking with a spittoon is called innovation, but who the hell would dare to eat that?

100、我那个气啊，狠狠地骂了他一句：我给你滚出去。（着急嘴不利索）
100. I was so angry that I scolded him harshly: Get out of here for me. (My mouth wasn’t working well because I was in a hurry)

101、花钱如尿裤子一般，痛快。
101. Spending money is as exhilarating as wetting your pants.

102、西游记里面，唐僧唐长老带着一个仆人，叫沙和尚，还有俩宠物，一个猴一个猪，旅游的故事。
102. In the story of Journey to the West, Tang Seng, also known as Tang Sanzang, travels with a servant named Sha Monk, and two pets, a monkey and a pig.

103、大爷，美国怎么走啊？问村长去
103. “Excuse me, sir, how do I get to America?” “Ask the village head!”

104、手榴弹是贵，要是一块钱六个，我先扔你一百块钱的。
104. Hand grenades are expensive, but if they were six for a dollar, I’d throw a hundred bucks worth at you.

105、待会儿散场都别走，吃饭去 谁去谁掏钱。
105. After the show, don’t leave, let’s go eat. Whoever goes pays.

106、大爷，美国怎么走啊？那谁知道啊问村长去！
106. “Excuse me, sir, how do I get to America?” “Who knows? Ask the village head!”

107、一开起来，半个北京城冒黑烟，交警直冲您喊：孙长老，收了神功吧。
107. Once it starts, half of Beijing will be covered in black smoke, and the traffic police will shout at you: “Master Sun, please stop showing off your powers!”

108、三米跳板，郭晶晶给她捧哏那叫吴敏霞。
108. Three-meter diving board, Guo Jingjing’s partner is called Wu Minxia.

109、给来四十个馒头，八十斤烙饼，这菜谱给炒两本？自杀的方式很多，这样太糟践粮食了。
109. Forty steamed buns, eighty jin of fried pancakes - is this menu for two? Suicide methods are many, but this is just a waste of food.

110、有朋自远方来不够你得瑟的。
110. Having friends coming from afar is not enough to show off.

111、把缺德搁推车上，忒缺德；给缺德抓把盐，糇缺德。
111. Put the immorality on a cart, it’s too immoral; sprinkle some salt on the immorality, it’s even more immoral.

112、我买了王羲之的亲笔写的大字：同一个世界同一个梦想。
112. I bought a large character calligraphy written by Wang Xizhi himself: One World, One Dream.

113、牛肉面大排面便饭一日本人过来，吃点什么？这个，日本人用手一指：牛大便！
113. Beef noodles, pork ribs noodles, and plain rice - a Japanese person comes over and asks, “What should I eat?” This one, the Japanese points with his hand: “Bull poop!”

114、一些女演员为了上戏和男导演睡觉，太无耻了！女导演太少，让我们这些个男演员怎么办？
114. Some actresses sleep with male directors to get roles, how shameless! There are so few female directors; what are we male actors supposed to do?

115、白宫那个白呦–刚刷的浆。
115. The White House is so white - it looks like it was just painted.

116、在车里边换衣服，有人趴着窗户，大姑娘，你看这个，急了，你总是这么看人换衣服吗？那女的回了一句，你总在别人车里换吗？
116. Changing clothes in a car, someone is peeking through the window. “Young lady, what are you looking at?” The woman replies, “Are you always changing clothes in other people’s cars?”

117、老先生留下来的传统相声总共有一千多段，经过我们演员这些年不断地努力吧，到现在，还剩四百多段了。
117. The traditional crosstalk left by the old masters has over a thousand routines. After years of efforts by our performers, now there are only about four hundred left.

118、母氏系族人类住洞穴，父氏系族人类住高楼 这就是生殖器崇拜！
118. Matriarchal societies lived in caves, patriarchal societies lived in tall buildings - this is the worship of genitals!

119、呵！他跟我犟嘴！你以为我不敢炖你，我们家要有锅我早把你炖了。
119. Oh! You dare to talk back to me! I’ll cook you if I had a pot at home.

120、龙虾，海蟹，哈哈！我就爱吃带壳的！服务员，给他来盘瓜子。
120. Lobster, crab, haha! I just love eating things with shells! Waiter, bring him a plate of sunflower seeds.

121、多听相声说明你爱国。我们街坊有一孩子，会七八国外国语，什么英语、日语、韩语、南斯拉夫语、北斯拉夫语、西斯拉夫语反正跟八国联军坐一块儿对着骂街他能不重样！跟他说你听听相声去吧。不去！听不懂！法律不管我早打死他了！会七八国外国话听不懂相声！
121. Listening to more crosstalk shows that you love your country. There is a kid in our neighborhood who can speak seven or eight foreign languages, such as English, Japanese, Korean, Serbian, Croatian, etc. He can curse at the Eight-Nation Alliance without repeating himself. I told him to listen to some crosstalk, but he refused because he couldn’t understand it! If it weren’t for the law, I would have beaten him up!

122、遛累了，他坐这，狗坐这，一边高，谁过来都纳闷：这是谁家双胞胎啊？
122. Tired from walking, he sat here, and the dog sat here. They were the same height, and everyone who passed by wondered, “Whose twins are these?”

123、连炸酱面都不爱吃？你忘本啊！
123. You don’t even like to eat Zhajiangmian? How can you forget your roots?

124、你无耻的样子，颇有我年轻时候的神韵。
124. The way you act shamelessly is quite reminiscent of my younger days.

125、北京有一军事奇才，叫郭德纲，文能提笔安天下，武能上马定乾坤；上炕认识娘儿们，下炕认识鞋。
125. There is a military genius in Beijing named Guo Degang. He can write to bring peace to the world and ride a horse to stabilize the realm. He knows women when he’s in bed and recognizes shoes when he gets off the bed.

126、你无耻的样子，颇有我年少时候的神韵。
126. The way you act shamelessly is quite reminiscent of my youth.

127、过去那个泳衣，扒开泳衣才能看见屁股，现在的泳衣，扒开屁股才能看见泳衣。
127. In the past, you had to peel off the swimsuit to see the buttocks; now, you have to peel off the buttocks to see the swimsuit.

128、天朝降霞光，贱妾有内伤。不敢高声语，我爱郭德纲。
128. The sky is filled with rosy clouds, and this lowly woman has internal injuries. I dare not speak loudly, for I love Guo Degang.

129、以后等咱有钱了就拍个电影叫《房事》，一定火！讲咱们老百姓买房的烦心故事
129. When we have money, let’s make a movie called “Housing Matters,” which will definitely be a hit! It will tell the frustrating stories of ordinary people buying houses.

130、银行收费时说：这符合国际惯例！服务时却说：要考虑中国国情！
130. Banks say, “This complies with international practices” when charging fees, but when it comes to services, they say, “We must consider China’s national conditions!”

131、我是一有钱人。今天后台，就我开车来的，他们都走着来的，天津那几位老先生，打上礼拜二就开始走了。不过我那车啊，最近有点毛病，提速有点儿慢。开始呀，我以为是化油器脏了呢，一检查啊才知道，是脚蹬子掉了
131. I am a wealthy person. Today, I was the only one who drove to the backstage; everyone else walked. Those old gentlemen from Tianjin started walking since last Tuesday. But my car has been having some issues lately; it’s slow to accelerate. At first, I thought it was because the carburetor was dirty, but after checking, I found out that the pedal had fallen off.

132、我舅舅以前是空姐。
132. My uncle used to be a flight attendant.

133、说相声得卖力气，我这都出了汗了，您看人家就不出汗，人那汗都养着。
133. Performing crosstalk requires effort; I’m already sweating, but others don’t sweat at all; they save their sweat.

134、经过的我辅导，多少个濒临自杀的人，都尝试杀人了，都是我攒动的。
134. After my guidance, many people on the verge of suicide have tried to kill others, all instigated by me.

135、不要等人人都说你丑时才发现自己真的丑！
135. Don’t wait until everyone says you’re ugly to realize that you really are!

136、敢情你入了丐帮了！打扮得很讲究啊！
136. So you’ve joined the beggars’ gang! Your attire is quite exquisite!

137、上海的，也要来听我的相声，人太多了，船票都订不上了，都坐着木盆，划着来的。后来人多的啊，剧场外面全都是被货，铺盖，提前半年就来了，哄都不走啊，说了：今儿要是听不上郭德纲的相声，我们就死这儿！
137. People from Shanghai also come to listen to my crosstalk. There are so many people that tickets are unavailable, and they all come by paddling wooden basins. Later, there were so many people that the theater was surrounded by luggage and bedding, and they arrived half a year in advance, refusing to leave, saying, “If we don’t get to hear Guo Degang’s crosstalk today, we’ll die right here!”

138、有困难要帮，没有困难制造困难也要帮。
138. Help when there is difficulty, and create difficulty to help when there is none.

139、来个牛扒，别搁牛肉啊，我爱吃洋葱，多搁洋葱啊。
139. Bring me a steak, but don’t put beef on it; I love onions, so put more onions.

140、中国北京有一军事奇才，叫郭德纲，文能提笔安天下，武能上马定乾坤；上炕认识娘儿们，下炕认识鞋。
140. There is a military genius in Beijing, China, named Guo Degang. He can write to bring peace to the world and ride a horse to stabilize the realm. He knows women when he’s in bed and recognizes shoes when he gets off the bed.

141、想吃汉堡，包张纸揭开吃；想吃螃蟹，揭个盖；想喝奶，馒头上弄一揪儿。
141. If you want to eat a hamburger, unwrap the paper and eat it; if you want to eat crab, lift the lid; if you want to drink milk, pinch some from the steamed bun.

142、（拿着一块玉）施主，这是老衲亲自为您走光的！
142. (Holding a piece of jade) Devotee, I personally walked the light for this!

143、我买辆好车 奥拓、奥拓、奥拓！用铁丝镖起来，开起来跟火车一样！
143. I bought a good car, Aotu, Aotu, Aotu! Tied it up with a wire, and it drives like a train!

144、在时光隧道里穿梭，两边那电线秆子，唰，唰
144. Traveling through the time tunnel, the electric poles on both sides, whoosh, whoosh.

145、这帮大姑娘们一个个穿的肉隐肉现。
145. These young ladies are all dressed in a way that reveals just enough.

146、他骂我，我退一步，他再骂我，我再退一步，我后面要都是墙了，他还骂，打丫的！
146. If he scolds me, I’ll take a step back; if he scolds me again, I’ll take another step back. If I’m backed against a wall and he still scolds me, I’ll fight him!

147、我特别希望大家给我帮助，你们给我一份爱，我会还你们一夜情的。 郭德纲
147. I really hope everyone can help me. You give me love, and I’ll give you a night of passion. Guo Degang

148、有的油条炸出来，一叉多长，跟你那脸色似的，黄不几儿的，咬吧，啊，一撒手就抽脸。
148. Some fried dough sticks come out so long, just like your face, yellowish, bite it, ah, let go and it slaps your face.

149、我要还嘴，能把你骂化了。
149. If I retort, I can curse you into submission.

150、抄等总理–抄着铲子等着总也没人理。
150. Copying the Prime Minister - holding a shovel and waiting, but no one pays attention.

151、我拦住路上的走路那女的准备打劫，一问才知道是下岗女工，越说越可怜，最后我给她五块钱。
151. I stopped a woman on the street to rob her, but when I asked, she was a laid-off worker. The more she talked, the more pitiful she seemed, so in the end, I gave her five yuan.

152、人家大腕出去买船票都问：有泰坦尼克号的吗于谦：霍这大腕作死去了
152. When those big shots go out to buy boat tickets, they ask: Do you have any Titanic tickets? Yu Qian: Huh, these big shots are asking for death.

153、我和中国相声界有个协议，我负责幽默，他们负责品位，谁也别动谁东西，谁也别动啊。
153. I have an agreement with the Chinese crosstalk circle: I’m responsible for humor, and they’re responsible for taste. No one should touch anyone else’s stuff, and don’t mess with it.

154、好老师无论在哪张床上都能把你们带上天堂，（经典语录）不好的老师直接带你们去住总统套房！
154. A good teacher can take you to heaven no matter which bed they’re on (classic quote), while a bad teacher will take you straight to the presidential suite!

155、演员站在台上的目的是让您笑，决不是要教育您，一个演员上台哭着喊着要教育观众，那是犯罪。
155. The purpose of an actor standing on stage is to make you laugh, not to educate you. An actor who cries and shouts on stage, wanting to educate the audience, is committing a crime.

156、我爸爸急了，挽起袖子：老娘和你拼了。
156. My father got angry, rolled up his sleeves, and said: I’ll fight you, old lady!

157、你们千万别打他，也别骂他，不就是要钱么，咱好商量。不过丑话说头里，要是超过块钱，你们就撕票得了。
157. Don’t hit him or scold him. If they just want money, let’s talk it over. But I must say this in advance: if the amount exceeds a certain number of yuan, you might as well tear up the ticket.

158、他的剑是冷的,他的刀也是冷的,他的心是冷的,他的血是冷的…这孙子冻上了!
158. His sword is cold, his knife is cold, his heart is cold, and his blood is cold… This grandson is frozen!

159、散场大家都别走啊，我请大家吃饭 谁去谁掏钱。
159. Don’t leave after the show, I’ll invite everyone to dinner. Whoever goes will pay.

160、他们家有仨姑娘，大姐长得像他爸爸，二姐长得像他妈，三姐好看，白，长得像街坊。
160. They have three daughters: the eldest looks like her father, the second looks like her mother, and the third is pretty, fair, and looks like their neighbor.

161、路上捡一个大箱子，里面全是钱，一般说相声的早就捡着跑了，郭德纲没有，不能动，等失主，失主说不要我再要（于谦：那你怎么跟人家说啊？）别跟他说呗。
161. I found a big box on the road, filled with money. Most crosstalk performers would have taken it and run, but Guo Degang didn’t. He couldn’t move it, waiting for the owner. When the owner said they didn’t want it, I’ll take it then (Yu Qian: How do you tell them that?) Just don’t mention it to them.

162、好白菜都让猪给拱了。
162. All the good cabbages have been rooted by pigs.

163、我当时就差分就上北大了。
163. I just missed a few points to get into Peking University.

164、郭德纲典型的猪头，高中没有毕业，通过恶意炒作，刚刚过了春节很多人正在谈论央视春晚，觉得相声小品很糟糕，一看郭德纲的东西有点意思，讲了一些时弊的东西，讽刺的东西有点意思，郭德纲就恶意炒作一下。完了就红起来了，其实他红的很空虚，实在没有什么文化底蕴。
164. Guo Degang is a typical fool. He didn’t even graduate from high school. Through malicious hype, just after the Spring Festival, many people were talking about the CCTV Spring Festival Gala, saying that the crosstalk and sketch performances were terrible. When they saw Guo Degang’s works, they found them interesting, with some satirical and critical elements. Guo Degang then maliciously hyped himself up. Then he became popular, but in fact, his popularity is very hollow, with no real cultural foundation.

165、过去那个泳衣，扒开泳衣才能看见屁股；现在这个扒开屁股才能看见泳衣。太三俗了。
165. In the past, you had to pull aside the swimsuit to see the buttocks; now, you have to pull aside the buttocks to see the swimsuit. It’s so vulgar.

166、我的手表老贵了，原价万，打完折。
166. My watch is very expensive, with the original price being ten thousand, after the discount.

167、老爷子身体不错，就是满嘴牙都掉了，就剩下一颗牙，吃东西还塞牙了吃藕套眼儿里头了。
167. The old man is in good health, but all his teeth have fallen out, leaving only one tooth. When eating, it still gets stuck, like putting a hole in the eye of a donut.

168、我爷爷泡的药酒很好啊，我二叔就是喝那喝死的，后来法医验尸报告一出来，说那药酒和砒霜的配方是一样的。
168. My grandfather’s medicinal wine is very good. My second uncle died from drinking it. Later, the autopsy report showed that the ingredients of the wine were the same as those of arsenic.

169、这哥们儿抢了银行开车就上了北三环。下午五点半！警察到的时候在路上堵得正瓷实。
169. This guy robbed a bank and drove onto the North Third Ring Road. At 5:30 in the afternoon! When the police arrived, he was stuck in traffic.

170、依法纳妾是每个公民应尽的义务！
170. It is the duty of every citizen to take concubines according to the law!

171、谁要不认识于谦，谁就没吃过猪肉。
171. If you don’t know Yu Qian, you haven’t eaten pork.

172、好么！这飞机跟大发一样， 还带摇玻璃的！坐大发、 夏利不给报 天津没大发了 ，都倒腾美国去了 飞到美国走了半年加了万多回油 。
172. Wow! This airplane is just like a Daihatsu, with rolling windows! Riding in a Daihatsu or Xiali doesn’t get reported. Tianjin has no Daihatsu anymore, they all went to the US. It took half a year to fly to the US and refueled more than ten thousand times.

173、散场大家都别走啊，我请大家吃饭谁去谁掏钱。
173. Don’t leave after the show, everyone. I’ll invite you all to dinner, but whoever goes has to pay.

174、传统相声总共有一千多段，经过我们努力吧，现在还剩那么四百来段
174. There were over a thousand traditional crosstalk routines in total. After our efforts, now there are only about four hundred left.

175、随场演出，观众给演员们上花篮，一对一对的上，我这连个花圈也没有。
175. During impromptu performances, the audience gives the actors flower baskets, one pair at a time. I don’t even have a wreath.

176、感谢上帝赐给我的卤煮，一睁眼睛，谁给我拿走了？
176. Thank God for giving me the stewed pork, but when I opened my eyes, who took it away?

177、我和超人唯一的区别就是我把内裤穿里边了。
177. The only difference between me and Superman is that I wear my underwear inside.

178、你要舍得死我就舍得埋！
178. If you dare to die, I dare to bury you!

179、有些天津的观众朋友们说了：过了就是艺术家。你唐朝的夜壶也是搁尿啊！
179. Some Tianjin audience friends said: “Those who pass are artists.” Even your Tang Dynasty night pot is for urinating!

180、这么冷天我没衣服,穿着一身塑料的西装。
180. It’s so cold, and I have no clothes, wearing a suit made of plastic.

181、都是水何必装醇，都是色狼又何必装羊！
181. Why pretend to be wine when we’re all water, and why pretend to be sheep when we’re all wolves!

182、您大点声不费电。
182. Speak louder, it doesn’t cost extra electricity.

183、她拿起拖鞋打我，呵，你拿我当布什了。
183. She picked up a slipper and hit me, huh, you treat me like Bush.

184、我买了几张唐伯虎的画，有美人山水，福娃，五张一套….
184. I bought a few paintings by Tang Bohu, including beauties, landscapes, and Fuwa, a set of five…

185、你一个月工资不到一千五，（经典语录 ）你别想包养女明星。
185. Your monthly salary is less than 1,500 (classic quotes), don’t even think about supporting a female celebrity.

186、来一斤钱西瓜，称给准点儿。
186. Give me a pound of watermelon, and make sure it’s weighed accurately.

187、哪有那么多艺术家啊，现在一下雨，顺墙根那艺术家呜~~~可就冒出来了。艺术家都跟狗尿苔一起出来是吧！
187. There are not so many artists, but when it rains, artists seem to emerge along the walls like mushrooms. Do artists come out with dog urine mushrooms?

188、跟你谈恋爱，我早把脑袋系在裤腰带上了！
188. Dating you, I’ve already put my head on the line!

189、这脑仁就松籽儿大的个儿，打开脑壳一看，就一碗卤煮。
189. This brain is as big as a pine nut. When you open the skull, it looks like a bowl of stewed pork offal.

190、龙虾，海蟹，哈哈！我就爱吃带壳的！ 服务员，给他来盘瓜子 。
190. Lobster, crab, haha! I just love eating things with shells! Waiter, bring him a plate of sunflower seeds.

191、好几天没吃饭了，看谁都像烙饼。
191. I haven’t eaten for several days, and everyone looks like a pancake to me.

192、孔圣人说过：好白菜都让猪给拱了。
192. Confucius once said: The good cabbage has all been rooted by pigs.

193、不要以为有纹身的都是流氓，岳飞还有纹身呢。
193. Don’t assume that everyone with a tattoo is a thug; even Yue Fei had a tattoo.

194、勤奋呗，我无非是把别人喝咖啡的时间用在喝啤酒上了
194. I’m just hardworking, I simply spend the time others use for drinking coffee on drinking beer.

195、每人都有死穴怕被人揭了伤疤。比如不该问张柏芝是你老公的尺寸大啊还是陈老师的尺寸大；比如不该问郭德纲春晚你是上北京台的啊还是上西西踢威；比如不该问暖小团当年你高考数学成绩是分啊还是；比如不该问翟凌视频你自己是喜欢第一段啊还是第二段。得饶人处且饶人，别总跟自己或别人的过去过不去。
195. Everyone has their own sensitive spots and fears having their scars exposed. For example, you shouldn’t ask Zhang Baizhi whether her husband’s size is larger than Teacher Chen’s; you shouldn’t ask Guo Degang if you will appear on Beijing TV or CCTV during the Spring Festival Gala; you shouldn’t ask Nuan Xiaotuan what your high school math score was; you shouldn’t ask Zhai Ling which part of the video you like, the first or the second segment. Let bygones be bygones, and don’t always dwell on your own or others’ past.

196、四大文学名着：红楼、水浒、话说北京、郭德纲故事选，后来我那俩给抠出来不算了。
196. The four great literary works: Dream of the Red Chamber, Water Margin, Tales of Beijing, and Stories of Guo Degang. Later, the last two were removed and not counted.

197、生活就像宋祖德的嘴，你永远都不知道下一个倒霉的会是谁。
197. Life is like Song Zude’s mouth; you never know who will be the next unfortunate one.