1.儿子学习不好，被妈妈痛骂。挨骂后，儿子用哀怨的眼神看着爸爸说：“你为什么要娶她？”爸爸也用哀怨的眼神看着儿子说：“还不是因为你！”
1. The son had poor grades and was scolded by his mother. After being scolded, the son looked at his father with a grievance in his eyes and said, “Why did you marry her?” The father also looked at his son with a grievance in his eyes and said, “It’s all because of you!”

2.情圣我不敢当，但交朋友的秘诀我已了然于胸。不论是帅到人神共愤的男子，还是不食人间烟火的女神，都不要怕。走上前去，大大方方的说：“我喜欢你。我们在一起吧。”对方答：“对不起。我们还是做朋友吧。”于是你就又多了一个朋友。
2. I dare not claim to be a Casanova, but I have mastered the secrets of making friends. No matter if it’s a handsome man that makes others envious, or a goddess who seems otherworldly, don’t be afraid. Walk up to them, and confidently say, “I like you. Let’s be together.” If they respond, “I’m sorry, let’s just be friends,” then you’ve gained another friend.

3.傻B中的战斗机，贱人中的VIP。
3. The ultimate fighter among idiots, the VIP among jerks.

4.别紧张，我又不是什么好人。
4. Don’t be nervous, I’m not a good person.

5.命不在长，能活就行，钱不在多，够花就行。
5. Life is not about length, but about living; money is not about quantity, but about being enough to spend.

6.只要锄头舞的好，哪有墙角挖不倒？
6. As long as you dance the hoe well, no wall corner will remain standing.

7.去面馆吃面，刚坐下就过来一人，手里拿着一张几何图案的图片，图片中心有个红点。那人对我说：现在盯着这个红点看秒，然后闭上眼睛，就会有奇迹出现。我盯着看了秒，闭上眼睛却没看见什么奇迹，气得我睁开眼，嚯！真他妈奇迹，我桌子上的手机不见了。
7. I went to a noodle shop to eat, and as soon as I sat down, a person came over with a geometric pattern in their hand, with a red dot in the center. They said to me, “Stare at this red dot for a few seconds, then close your eyes, and a miracle will appear.” I stared for a few seconds, closed my eyes, but saw no miracle. I got angry and opened my eyes, and by God, it was a real miracle - my phone on the table was gone.

8.问：“上课玩手机如何才能让你的同桌死心塌地的为你看老师？”答：“玩你同桌的手机！
8. Q: “How can you make your deskmate check the teacher for you while you play with your phone in class?” A: “Play with your deskmate’s phone!”

9.三分天注定，七分靠打拼，还有九十分在老师那里。
9. Thirty percent is predestined, seventy percent depends on hard work, and the remaining ninety percent is with the teacher.

10.种草不让人去躺，不如改种仙人掌！
10. If you don’t allow people to lie down on the grass you’ve planted, it’s better to plant cacti instead!

11.人应该爱动物，它们多美味啊！
11. People should love animals, they taste so delicious!

12.给我一个女人，我可以创造一个民族；给我一瓶酒，我可以带领他们征服全世界！
12. Give me a woman, and I can create a nation; give me a bottle of wine, and I can lead them to conquer the world!

13.我是一坨风干的牛粪。
13. I am a dried piece of cow dung.

14.做为一只禽兽，我深感压力很大…
14. As an animal, I feel the pressure is immense…

15.每个人都有狗屁不是的时候！
15. Everyone has their moments of insignificance!

16.本想让纸飞机带我飞进你心里，不料半路坠机。
16. I wanted the paper airplane to fly me into your heart, but it crashed halfway.

17.有一天，牢里来了一个新的犯人，旧的问新的：哎，你犯了什么罪啊？哦，没什么，我只不过在一个禁止钓鱼的地方炸鱼，后来水面上就浮上来几条鱼。旧的说：这样就坐牢了？新的说：我还没说完呢，跟着浮上来还有个潜水员。
17. One day, a new prisoner arrived in jail, and the old one asked the new one, “Hey, what crime did you commit?” The new one said, “Oh, nothing serious, I just blew up fish in a place where fishing was prohibited, and then a few fish floated to the surface.” The old one said, “Is that why you’re in jail?” The new one replied, “I haven’t finished yet, a diver also floated up after the fish.”

18.只知道刚的人，难免会被折断；只有柔的人，到头来终是懦夫。
18. Only knowing how to be tough may lead to being broken; being only soft will eventually make you a coward.

19.一个女人她可以喜欢你，但她不爱你；她可以爱你，但她不嫁你；她可以嫁你，但她不生育；她可以生育，但孩子不是你的。
19. A woman may like you, but not love you; she may love you, but not marry you; she may marry you, but not have children with you; she may have children, but the child may not be yours.

20.结婚就是给自由穿件棉衣，活动起来不方便，但会很温暖。
20. Marriage is like putting on a cotton jacket to your freedom; it’s inconvenient to move in, but it keeps you warm.

21.当初我降临人世的时候，上帝许诺说要把他最美丽的女儿嫁给我。我左右顾盼，上下求索，等了年了，还没见到仙女的影子。我很郁闷，于是跑去问上帝。上帝说：“你急什么？我都还没女朋友呢！”
21. When I first arrived in this world, God promised to marry me to his most beautiful daughter. I looked around and searched high and low, waiting for years, but I still haven’t seen the fairy’s shadow. I was very depressed, so I went to ask God. God said, “What’s the hurry? I don’t even have a girlfriend yet!”

22.你别糟蹋青春两字了，你都立秋了。
22. Don’t waste the word “youth” anymore, it’s already the beginning of autumn for you.

23.圣人说：女人有两个优点，但却有一个漏洞，而男人就没有优点，但却有一个长处，于是男人经常抓住女人的两个优点，用自己的长处去弥补女人的漏洞。
23. The sage said: Women have two advantages, but they have one flaw, while men have no advantages, but they have one strength. So men often grasp women’s two advantages and use their own strength to make up for women’s flaws.

24.夏天就是不好，穷的时候我连西北风都没得喝……
24. Summer is really not good; when I’m poor, I don’t even have the northwest wind to drink…

25.情妇虽然要新的才有趣，朋友还是旧的好。
25. Although having a new mistress is more interesting, old friends are better.

26.就在哪里趴着  哥在哪里摔倒，就在哪里趴着。
26. Just lie there. Wherever I fall, that’s where I’ll lie.

27.读书读到抽筋处，文思方能如尿崩！
27. Read books until your legs cramp, and your literary thoughts will flow like urine!

28.“你不准过来！”她认真地说。他点点头，不说话。她不放心，“你再走远一点！”他笑了，说“我闭上眼睛好不好？”“那你转过去闭上眼睛。”她说。他转过身,无奈地说到:“在一起这么久了还娇羞什么呢，看一下你又不会多块肉。”“哼！”她不理他，然后嘟着嘴一脚踩上了街头药店门口的体重器。“斤，果然没再重！”
28. “You’re not allowed to come over!” she said seriously. He nodded without speaking. She was still worried, “Stay a little further away!” He smiled and said, “How about I close my eyes?” “Then turn around and close your eyes,” she said. He turned around and said helplessly, “We’ve been together for so long, why are you still shy? Looking at you won’t make you gain weight.” “Humph!” She ignored him, pouting and stepping on the weight scale at the entrance of the street pharmacy. “Pounds, I果然 didn’t gain weight!”

29.租一样的女友  真是不怕神一样的对手，就怕租一样的女友！
29. Renting the same girlfriend is like not being afraid of a god-like opponent, but being afraid of having the same rented girlfriend!

30.你飞翔的越高，在不能飞的人的眼中就显得越渺小。
30. The higher you fly, the more insignificant you appear in the eyes of those who can’t fly.

31.你长得真有创意，活得真有勇气。
31. You are truly creative in appearance and courageous in life.

32.我问：“我的头像牛逼么？”他说：“像！”
32. I asked, “Is my avatar awesome?” He replied, “Like it!”

33.女人都喜欢看海里的浪花，男人又何尝不是那个浪花。
33. Women all like to watch the waves in the sea, and men are no exception.

34.红豆不长南国，长我脸上了，真相思。
34. Red beans don’t grow in the southern land, but they grow on my face, just like longing.

35.所谓睡货，可用八个字概括：春困夏乏秋盹冬眠。
35. The so-called sleepers can be summarized in eight words: spring drowsiness, summer fatigue, autumn dozing, and winter hibernation.

36.如果一条狗跟你擦肩而过，如果它有急事就不会看你一眼；如果它没事就会看你，假如你的眼神再友好些，它就会围着你的脚转一转，这种礼节是人和人之间比较欠缺的。
36. If a dog passes by you and it has something urgent, it won’t even glance at you; if it has nothing to do, it will look at you. If your gaze is friendlier, it will circle around your feet. This kind of etiquette is lacking between people.

37.等我说伤不起的时候，就是你家被火烧的日子。
37. When I say I can’t afford to be hurt, it means your house is on fire.

38.因为你的“对不起”我决定和你“没关系”！
38. Because of your “sorry,” I’ve decided to have “nothing to do with you.”

39.哎，我跟你说啊，动物的唾液是有细菌的，我建议你啊，去打两针。
39. Hey, let me tell you, animal saliva has bacteria. I suggest you get two shots.

40.征婚启事：要求如下，A活的，B女的。
40. Marriage ad: Requirements are as follows, A: alive, B: female.

41.你出生时是不是被扔上去过次而只被接住过次？
41. Were you thrown up in the air as a baby and only caught once?

42.早起的鸟儿有虫吃，早起的虫儿被鸟吃！
42. The early bird catches the worm, but the early worm gets eaten by the bird!

43.亲戚，太熟，不好下手。
43. Relatives are too familiar, so it’s hard to take action.

44.快要高考了  老师说：快要高考了，早恋的就不要吵架了，以免影响心情；没早恋的就不要表白了，以免被拒绝影响心情。
44. The teacher said: As the college entrance exam is approaching, those who are in a romantic relationship should not quarrel, so as not to affect their mood; those who are not in a romantic relationship should not confess, so as not to be rejected and affect their mood.

45.真的不想在做了——因为铁杵已经磨成了“绣花针”了。
45. I really don’t want to do it anymore - because the iron rod has already been ground into a “embroidery needle.”

46.对不起是一种真诚，没关系是一种风度，如果你付出了真诚，却得不到风度，那只能说明对方的无知与粗俗。
46. Apologizing is a sincerity, and it’s okay is a grace. If you have shown sincerity but received no grace, it only shows the other person’s ignorance and vulgarity.

47.真正的好朋友，并不是在一起就有聊不完的话题，而是在一起，就算不说话，也不会觉得尴尬。
47. A true friend is not someone you can talk endlessly with, but someone you can be with without talking and not feel awkward.

48.听一出租车师傅讲的，一天一老年乘客，车费元，老人拿出个的，司机说，大爷，您没有小票（小面值）啊？大爷说，我们家机器不印小票。司机给找零钱，几个元的，后来又凑了几个元的。大爷一看说，你没有的啊？司机说，我们家机器不印大票。
48. I heard this from a taxi driver: One day, an elderly passenger took a taxi, and the fare was 10 yuan. The old man took out a 100-yuan note, and the driver said, “Sir, don’t you have any smaller change?” The old man replied, “Our machine doesn’t print small notes.” The driver gave him change, a few 10-yuan notes, and then a few 1-yuan coins. The old man looked at the change and said, “Don’t you have any 50-yuan notes?” The driver answered, “Our machine doesn’t print large notes either.”

49.别跟我谈感情，多伤钱哪！
49. Don’t talk to me about emotions; it’s such a waste of money!

50.一日，班上某女借我U盘，当时我就很爽快的给她了！后来想起里面有很多少儿不宜的视频，你们懂的。心想这下糟了，在女生心中的光辉形象都荡然无存了！这还不是GC。赶紧给她打电话，通了，还没等我开口，她在那边就急忙的说，我什么都没有看。丫的，你坑爹呢，反应这么快。
50. One day, a girl in my class borrowed my USB flash drive, and I readily lent it to her. Later, I remembered there were many inappropriate videos for children inside, you know. I thought, “Oh no, my glorious image in her eyes is gone!” But that’s not the climax. I quickly called her, and as soon as the call connected, she said hurriedly, “I didn’t watch anything.” Damn it, you’re kidding me, such a quick response.

51.世界上的脑残这么多，可是你却成了其中的佼佼者。
51. There are so many mentally challenged people in the world, but you have become the best among them.

52.圣诞啊，每一个没有铝孩陪的澜孩，只能在寒风的街口紧一紧衣领，听到风中传来那凄惨悲催确响遍城市歌声…“single boy!~single boy!~single all the way!~”
52. On Christmas, every boy without a girlfriend can only tighten their collar on the cold street corner, hearing the miserable and heartbreaking的歌声 spreading throughout the city… “Single boy!~ Single boy!~ Single all the way!~”

53.有钱的人没才；有才的人没钱。经过多年的艰苦奋斗，我在两者之间找到了统一！我既没钱又没才。
53. Rich people have no talent; talented people have no money. After years of hard struggle, I have found a unity between the two! I have neither money nor talent.

54.即使我是一棵仙人球，也偶尔需要用雨水浇灌，哪怕只有一滴二滴三滴四滴……至少，让我有勇气和信心去企盼那迷人的雨季……
54. Even if I am a cactus, I occasionally need to be watered with rain, even just one or two or three or four drops… At least, let me have the courage and confidence to look forward to that enchanting rainy season…

55.将薪比薪想一下，算了，不想活了。
55. Comparing my salary to others, forget it, I don’t want to live anymore.

56.问曰：世人轻我骗我谤我欺我笑我妒我辱我害我，何以处之？答曰：唯有敬他容他让他耐他隨他避他不理他，再过几时看他。
56. When asked: How should I deal with people who belittle, deceive, slander, bully, laugh at, envy, humiliate, and harm me? The answer is: Only by respecting, tolerating, letting, enduring, following, avoiding, and ignoring them, and then see how they fare after a while.

57.如果没有风，云不会动；如果没有水，鱼不能游；如果没有太阳，月亮就不会有光；如果没有你……笨人也就不存在了。
57. Without wind, clouds won’t move; without water, fish can’t swim; without the sun, the moon won’t shine; without you… there would be no fools.

58.我掐指一算，不好！要开学了。
58. I calculated with my fingers, oh no! School is about to start.

59.暑假坐火车回家，旁边坐了一个大叔，跟他聊的很投缘，下火车后有人开车来接他，我也搭了个顺风车，回家跟老妈炫耀我没花钱就回家，结果老妈说闺女啊，你可别仗着长得丑啥事都敢做啊，万一碰上个瞎子可咋办？
59. During the summer vacation, I took a train home, and sat next to an uncle. We got along very well. After getting off the train, someone picked him up, and I hitched a ride as well. When I got home, I bragged to my mom that I didn’t spend any money on my trip. But she said, “My dear daughter, don’t take advantage of your looks (or lack thereof) and do whatever you want. What if you run into a blind person?”

60.这世界什么都可以是假的，但是我唯一不能容忍的是我手上的钱是假的！
60. Anything in this world can be fake, but the one thing I cannot tolerate is the fake money in my hand!

61.干掉鸟人我就是天使！
61. Eliminate the birdman, and I am the angel!

62.失恋这种事是要适可而止的你越在乎越会一发不可收拾。
62. When it comes to lovelorn, it’s important to know when to stop; the more you care, the more uncontrollable it becomes.

63.花钱越多，离床越近。
63. The more money you spend, the closer you are to the bed.

64.唯女人与英雄难过也，唯老婆与工作难找也。
64. Only women and heroes are hard to get along with; only wives and jobs are hard to find.

65.爱是做出来的！
65. Love is about taking action!

66.小时候你娘就给你挂了块骨头，至少还有条狗跟你玩！
66. When you were a child, your mother hung a bone for you; at least there was a dog to play with you!

67.成功的路很直很直，也很宽很宽！但，我还是不断地走弯！最后只不过是转了个圈！
67. The path to success is very straight and wide! However, I keep taking detours! In the end, it’s just a circle!

68.我他妈就是有钱，秃头我也用清扬洗发水！
68. I’m fucking rich, and even if I’m bald, I use Clear & Cool shampoo!

69.也许有一天我们必须陌生，那么就请你在我的肩上留下所有的不幸……
69. Perhaps one day we must become strangers, so please leave all your misfortunes on my shoulders…

70.国外官员撞人了一定隐瞒身份，否则就是丑闻；国内官员撞人了肯定理直气壮，掏出证件吓死你！
70. If a foreign official hits someone, they must conceal their identity, otherwise it’s a scandal; if a domestic official hits someone, they will be assertive and show their credentials to intimidate you!

71.你瞧你吧！看背影急煞千军万马；转过头吓退百万雄师。
71. Look at you! From behind, you seem to be leading a thousand troops and ten thousand horses; but when you turn around, you scare away a hundred valiant warriors.

72.今天买西瓜，摊主切了一块电子秤上一称，马上拿下来，告诉我要块！但是我的钛合金狗眼分明看到秤上显示块，但是心一想他也不容易！送了块钱给摊主，当时摊主也忙居然找了我块！我觉得这是上天在给我暗示，于是我接了钱头也不回走了，回到宿舍。给了自己一巴掌，MD瓜忘拿了。
72. Today, I bought a watermelon. The vendor cut a piece, weighed it on the electronic scale, and quickly took it off, telling me it was 20 yuan! But my titanium alloy dog eyes clearly saw the scale showing 15 yuan. However, I thought he must have a tough life, so I gave him 20 yuan. At that time, the vendor was busy and actually gave me 5 yuan in change. I felt this was a hint from the heavens, so I took the money and left without looking back. When I got back to the dormitory, I slapped myself in the face, damn it, I forgot to take the watermelon.

73.挣钱是一种能力，花钱是一种技术，我能力有限，技术却很高。
73. Making money is a capability, spending money is a skill. My capability is limited, but my skill is very high.

74.有没有谁上学的时候，老师提问问题，问到你了，自己明明说不会了，还是让你站起来问你答案，然后就木有然后了，哎站的腿疼！
74. Has anyone ever experienced this in school: when the teacher asks a question and points to you, you clearly say you don’t know the answer, but they still make you stand up and ask you the answer, and then there’s no follow-up. Ugh, my legs hurt from standing!

75.帮女友切橙子，我一个橙子切六瓣她还不高兴，非要切八瓣。当时我就火了，这败家婆娘，少吃两瓣橙子会死啊！
75. I was cutting an orange for my girlfriend, and I cut it into six segments, but she was still unhappy. She insisted on having eight segments. At that moment, I got angry. This wasteful woman, will she die if she eats two fewer segments of an orange?!

76.单位有个同事，蒙古人，属于常魂游天外的大神级人物。年休假回家，假期过了好几天还不回来，领导给打电话。丫在电话里说：领导，我还在呼伦贝尔草原上骑马找我家呢。我家是游牧民族，现在不知道搬到哪里了！
76. I have a colleague from Mongolia who is a legendary figure always daydreaming. He went home for annual leave and after several days past the holiday, he still didn’t come back. Our leader called him. He said in the phone: “Boss, I’m still riding a horse on the Hulunbuir grassland looking for my home. My family is a nomadic tribe, and I don’t know where they’ve moved to now!”

77.男人爱操，女人爱钞！男人昧着良心谈情说爱，女人闭着眼睛假装高潮！其实生活不易，全TM靠演技！
77. Men love to have sex, women love money! Men talk about love with a guilty conscience, women pretend to have an orgasm with their eyes closed! In fact, life is not easy, it all depends on acting skills!

78.等到所有的风景都看透，我想我会抛弃过往轻装前行，你过你的生活，我发我的神经，我不会闯入你的领地，你也不要在我的世界里磨蹭。
78. When I have seen all the scenery, I think I will leave the past behind and move forward lightly. You live your life, and I will be crazy in my own way. I won’t intrude into your territory, and you shouldn’t linger in my world.

79.我本来以为空气是免费的，直到我买了包薯片。
79. I used to think that air was free until I bought a bag of chips.

80.掩盖你是白痴的事实  等我有钱了，我就带我最讨厌的人去最好的神经病院！能掩盖你是白痴的事实。
80. To cover up the fact that you are an idiot, when I have money, I will take the person I hate the most to the best mental hospital! This will cover up the fact that you are an idiot.

81.喝药递瓶，上吊给绳，跳楼的挥着小手绢送行。
81. Handing over the medicine bottle, providing the rope for hanging, and waving a handkerchief for those jumping off the building.

82.别人都在假装正经，那我就只有假装不正经啦。
82. If everyone else is pretending to be serious, then I’ll just pretend to be not serious.

83.我们都是路过的人，幸好都没有把对方撞倒。
83. We are all passers-by, fortunately, none of us have knocked each other down.

84.发现手机不见了，翻遍包包以及屋中各个角落，未果。跌坐地上，从口袋掏出手机，给大家群发短信：我手机丢了。
84. I found my phone was missing, searched through my bag and every corner of the house, to no avail. I sat down on the floor and took out my phone from my pocket, sending a group message: “I lost my phone.”

85.缴手机费时，才知道，原来我的话这么值钱。
85. Only when I pay the phone bill do I realize how valuable my words are.

86.所谓出轨，就是玩腻了自己的爱人，去玩别人玩腻的爱人。
86. Cheating is like getting tired of one’s own lover and playing with someone else’s worn-out lover.

87.鄙视我的人这么多，你算老几？
87. There are so many people who despise me, what rank do you hold?

88.其实我一直很受人欢迎的：小时候的我人见人爱，如今的我人贱人爱。
88. I have always been popular: as a child, everyone loved me, and now, everyone loves me despite my lowliness.

89.本人已死，有事烧纸。小事招魂，大事挖坟。实在想我，下来陪我。如遇上线，纯属尸变！
89. I am already dead, if you have any business, burn paper money. For minor matters, call my soul, for major matters, dig up my grave. If you really miss me, come and keep me company. If you see me online, it’s just a zombie.

90.爱情和赌博一样，红了眼的都拿器官下注。
90. Love is like gambling, those who are blinded take their organs as bets.

91.不和我表白呢  为什么你不喜欢我呢，不和我表白呢。哎~
91. Why don’t you confess to me? Why don’t you like me? Oh~

92.小的时候，对爸爸剃须刀一直好奇，终于有一天，爸爸不在家，我也试试好用不，可是那时候没有胡子，只能拿眼眉试试了，当时我照镜子那一刻，傻眼了。
92. When I was young, I was always curious about my dad’s razor. One day, when my dad was out, I decided to give it a try. But I didn’t have any beard at that time, so I tried it on my eyebrows. The moment I looked in the mirror, I was stunned.

93.子贡问子曰：“孔文子为什么不喜欢我也？”子曰：“十万个不为什么也！”
93. Zigong asked Confucius, “Why doesn’t Kong Wenzhi like me?” Confucius replied, “A hundred thousand whys won’t explain it!”

94.两只鸳鸯同命鸟，一对蝴蝶可怜虫。
94. Two mandarin ducks share the same fate, a pair of butterflies are pitiful creatures.

95.从天堂到地狱，哥只是路过人间。
95. From heaven to hell, I’m just passing through the human world.

96.今天去我已经离婚了的表姐家（表姐带着一个三岁的女儿），碰巧一直追她的那个男的去她家，吃饭时，那男的说“希望明年我能出现在你家餐桌上”，只听我那外甥女很萌的说了句“我们家不爱吃猪肉”。
96. Today, I went to my divorced cousin’s house (my cousin has a three-year-old daughter). Coincidentally, the man who has been chasing her came to her house. During dinner, he said, “I hope I can be on your dining table next year.” My cute niece replied, “Our family doesn’t eat pork.”

97.你穿得很危险，但长得很安全！
97. You dress dangerously, but you look safe!

98.课堂上，老师发了昨晚的作业说：“各位同学，昨晚的题目都是很重要的。要是哪里不懂的话，私下来问我。”然后小明就撕下来了。
98. In class, the teacher distributed last night’s homework and said, “Classmates, the questions from last night are very important. If you don’t understand any part, come and ask me privately.” Then Xiaoming tore his homework.

99.走牛B的路，让傻B去说吧。
99. Take the path of awesomeness and let the fools talk.

100.女人是制造人类的工具，男人是使用工具的人类。
100. Women are the tools for creating humans, while men are the humans who use those tools.

1.大家都装明白了，但就是有那么个别的笨蛋还是不装明白。
1. Everyone pretends to understand, but there are always a few idiots who just don’t get it.

2.别人是越谈越恩爱，而我们是越谈越扯淡。
2. Other couples talk more in love, while we talk more nonsense.

3.今天天气特别好，和同事在窗户看风景，楼下种了一大片油菜，全都开花了，金黄色煞是好看，不禁都陶醉了。同事：“你想到什么？”我说：“花开成海，思念成灾，你呢？”同事答道：“夏天快到了，秋裤可以脱掉了。”
3. The weather is特别好 today, and my colleague and I are looking at the view from the window. There is a large field of rapeseed flowers downstairs, all in full bloom, a beautiful golden yellow, which makes us both intoxicated. Colleague: “What are you thinking about?” Me: “Blooming like an ocean, missing like a disaster, how about you?” Colleague: “Summer is coming, it’s time to take off the long johns.”

4.有情人终成家属。
4. Lovers eventually become family.

5.如果你是我的菜，对不起，最近我不想吃菜。况且，你并不是我的菜。
5. If you are my type, I’m sorry, I don’t feel like eating vegetables recently. Besides, you are not my type.

6.你再不理我，我就变成包子，而且是天津最出名的那个。
6. If you ignore me any longer, I will become a bun, and it will be the most famous one in Tianjin.

7.要不是打不过你，我早就和你翻脸了。
7. If I could beat you, I would have turned my back on you long ago.

8.工资不准时，大姨妈倒准时。
8. My salary is always late, but my period is always on time.

9.走在街上，喜欢假装看商店玻璃橱窗里的商品，其实是在照镜子。
9. Walking on the street, I like to pretend to look at the goods in the shop windows, but actually, I’m just looking at my reflection.

10.原来是童话般的爱恋，现在是地狱般的生活.
10. It used to be a fairy tale-like love, now it’s a hellish life.

11.提醒大家要学会修自己的笔记本，这是很重要的！从前有个人，他不会修自己的笔记本后来的事情大家都知道了。天赐你一双翅膀，就应该被红烧
11. A reminder to learn how to fix your own laptop, it’s very important! There was a person who didn’t know how to fix his laptop, and we all know what happened to him. If heaven gives you wings, you should be prepared to be red-cooked.

12.我多想一个不小心就和你白头偕老。
12. I wish I could accidentally grow old with you.

13.有一个年轻人，虽然因写作成名，但坚持以开车作为自己的事业；他年少成名，是很多少男少女的偶像，甚至成年人也佩服景仰他；他拍过不少写真，爱追求时尚，也喜欢摩托车。但目前他正经历着前所未有的质疑，他，就是雷锋。
13. There is a young man who became famous for his writing, but he insisted on driving as his career; he became famous at a young age and was an idol for many young men and women, and even adults admired him; he has taken many photos, loves fashion, and likes motorcycles. But now he is facing unprecedented doubts, he is Lei Feng.

14.黑暗的社会，曲折的人生，固执的活着，从不需解释。
14. In this dark society, with a twisted life, we live stubbornly, and there is no need for explanations.

15.我死了的最后一句话是：劳资再也不用怕鬼啦。
15. My last words before I die will be: I don’t have to be afraid of ghosts anymore.

16.人生自古谁无死，哪个拉屎不用纸。
16. Since ancient times, who has not died? Who doesn’t use toilet paper when taking a dump?

17.人生最大的悲哀就是青春不在，青春痘却还在。
17. The greatest sorrow in life is when youth is gone, but acne remains.

18.人若赚得整个世界，却赔上自己的性命，这又有什么益处呢？
18. What good is it if one gains the whole world but loses their own life?

19.今日在马路见一女子，面无表情，目测刚失恋，过马路不看红绿灯，差点被车撞上。司机吼道：找死啊？女子回吼：知道还刹车！lz无比凌乱，目送其潇洒的背影。
19. Today, I saw a woman on the street with no expression, apparently having just broken up. She crossed the road without looking at the traffic lights and almost got hit by a car. The driver yelled: “Are you looking for death?” The woman yelled back: “If you knew, why did you brake?” I was utterly confused and watched her leave with a cool demeanor.

20.我左八荣，右八耻，代表在腰间，和谐在胸口，人挡杀人，佛挡杀佛！
20. On my left, I have the Eight Honors; on my right, I have the Eight Shames; the representative is on my waist, harmony is on my chest, and I will kill anyone or Buddha who blocks my way!

21.本人研究霸王龙饲料，太监生育，在火星上搞房地产需要多少启动资金等专业学术问题。
21. I am researching professional academic issues such as Tyrannosaurus Rex feed, eunuch reproduction, and real estate development on Mars.

22.人心才是埋伏在黑夜中最可怕的对手。
22. The human heart is the most terrifying opponent lurking in the dark night.

23.中华人民共和国小卖部副部长！
23. Deputy Minister of the People’s Republic of China’s Convenience Store.

24.我能容忍身材是假的，脸是假的，胸是假的，臀是假的！！！但就是不容忍钱是的！
24. I can tolerate fake bodies, faces, breasts, and buttocks! But I just can’t tolerate fake money!

25.算完工资的涨幅后再算算猪肉的，就会发现自己连猪都不如！
25. After calculating the increase in salary and then the increase in pork prices, you will find that you are not even as good as a pig!

26.生活就像：聋子听到哑巴说瞎子看到鬼。
26. Life is like: a deaf person hearing a mute person saying that a blind person saw a ghost.

27.人老珠黄  大多数说地老天荒，却极少到人老珠黄。
27. Most people talk about the end of the world, but few reach the point of being old and withered.

28.别打开礼物的缎带，最初充满期待，最后都腐败。
28. Don’t open the ribbon on the gift; it starts with anticipation, but ends in decay.

29.佛曰：俺也用妇炎洁！
29. Buddha said: I also use Femfresh!

30.社会经验不足就是欠操的意思。
30. Lack of social experience means you’re asking to be screwed.

31.拍脑袋决策，拍胸脯保证，拍屁股走人。
31. Decision-making by slapping your head, guaranteeing with your chest, and leaving with your butt.

32.哪里是奔向你爹地的方向  我未来的宝贝，快点告诉我，哪里是奔向你爹地的方向。
32. Where is the direction to your father? My future baby, please tell me quickly, where is the direction to your father?

33.生活就像拉屎，有时候你很努力，出来的也不过是个屁。
33. Life is like defecating; sometimes you try hard, but all you get is a fart.

34.一个说自己聪明的女人，被约会的几率比遇到恐怖分子劫机的几率还低。
34. A woman who claims to be smart has a lower chance of being asked out than the chance of encountering a hijacked plane by terrorists.

35.闭上眼，幻想着与你一起慢慢变老的画面。黯然泪下。
35. Close my eyes and imagine growing old with you. Tears fall silently.

36.结婚的日子我已经定好了，现在就差定新郎了！
36. I have set the date for the wedding, now I just need to find the groom!

37.其实我以前不矮，只不过后来经常洗澡缩水了而已。
37. I used to be taller, but I shrank from taking too many baths.

38.我的一个朋友就要去草原玩了，作为内蒙人，我给她讲解了一些基本的安全常识。 比如当她孤身遭遇野狼的话，不要转头逃跑，人类永远没法和狼比速度。正确的做法应该是原地不动，与狼的目光正面接触，死死盯住，不要移开。能坚持多久就坚持多久，这样会死的比较有尊严一点。
38. A friend of mine is going to the grasslands. As an Inner Mongolian, I explained some basic safety knowledge to her. For example, if she encounters a wild wolf alone, she should not run away. Humans can never match the speed of wolves. The correct approach is to stand still, make direct eye contact with the wolf, and hold its gaze without blinking. The longer you can hold on, the more dignified your death will be.

39.你复杂的五官掩饰不了你朴素的智商！
39. Your complicated facial features cannot cover up your simple intelligence!

40.如果“喜欢的人”和“食物”只能选择一个，吃货怎么选择？——吃货：“吃掉喜欢的人。”
40. If you can only choose between “the person you like” and “food,” how would a foodie choose? - Foodie: “Eat the person I like.”

41.都说帅哥靠不住，那为什么好多单身的人都不是帅的。
41. It is said that handsome guys are unreliable, so why are there so many single people who are not handsome?

42.有奶不一定是娘，但有钱一定是爷！
42. Having milk doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a mother, but having money definitely makes one a boss!

43.春眠不觉晓，挂Q莫骚扰。突闻QQ声，实话有多少？
43. In spring, one sleeps unaware of dawn, so don’t disturb me on QQ. Suddenly hearing a QQ notification, how much of it is true?

44.能用钱解决的问题都不是问题，可问题是我是穷人。
44. Problems that can be solved with money are not problems, but the problem is, I am poor.

45.没有做萌妹子的潜质，就要有做女汉子的觉悟。
45. If you don’t have the potential to be a cute girl, you must have the awareness to be a strong woman.

46.“暗恋一个人是什么感觉?” “感觉她身上有wifi……”
46. “What does it feel like to have a crush on someone?” “It feels like she has WiFi on her.”

47.电视里看到骨瘦如柴的非洲难民，偶很心痛，奶奶却说：“娃啊，你可千万别被现在的电视给骗了，他们会没钱吃饭？？那他们妈妈还带他们去烫发！”
47. Watching the emaciated African refugees on TV, I feel heartbroken, but my grandma says, “Child, don’t be deceived by today’s television. Can they really have no money for food? Then how can their mothers take them to get their hair permed?”

48.暖一个女生的叫暖男，暖好多女生的那叫热狗。
48. A man who warms one girl’s heart is called a “warm guy,” but one who warms many girls’ hearts is called a “hot dog.”

49.你快乐因为我快乐，我开心因为你开心，我愁了因为你瘦了，我瘦了因为你病了，我笑了因为你壮了，我有钱了因为把你卖了……猪啊！
49. You are happy because I am happy, I am happy because you are happy, I worry when you lose weight, I lose weight because you are sick, I laugh when you become strong, and I have money because I sold you… Pig!

50.现在的女人：后看，风调雨顺。前看，颗粒无收。
50. Modern women: from behind, everything is fine; from the front, nothing is harvested.

51.空白就空白呗，你作业不是一直都空白吗？怕什么呀？
51. So what if it’s blank? Haven’t your homework assignments always been blank? What are you afraid of?

52.白天没鸟事，晚上鸟没事。
52. During the day, nothing happens; at night, nothing happens.

53.据调查，我国个民族，大部分民族在酒后都有载歌载舞的习惯，唯有我大汉民族，一喝多了就开始吹牛逼！
53. According to surveys, among our country’s ethnic groups, most have the habit of singing and dancing after drinking. Only our great Han nationality starts bragging when they drink too much!

54.人像沙粒，相互埋没，最后都出头了，便成了一盘散沙！
54. People are like sand grains, burying each other, and when they all emerge, they become scattered sand!

55.数学系党员活动竟强制女生打扫男生寝室，其行为真是令人发指！
55. It is outrageous that the Mathematics Department’s party members force girls to clean boys’ dormitories!

56.哪里是奔向你爹地的方向  我未来的宝贝，快点告诉我，哪里是奔向你爹地的方向。
56. Where is the direction to your father? My future baby, please tell me quickly, which way is to your father?

57.姐混到现在，拿得起，放得下的只有筷子。
57. After all this time, the only things I can take up and put down are chopsticks.

58.到底谁特么的蓝牙名叫“一只老母猪”！每次我开蓝牙，系统就提示“一只老母猪要和你配对”。
58. Who the hell has a Bluetooth name “One Old Sow”? Every time I turn on Bluetooth, the system prompts “One Old Sow wants to pair with you.”

59.走不进的世界就不要硬挤了，难为了别人，作践了自己，何必呢？
59. If you can’t enter a world, don’t force your way in. It’s difficult for others and degrading for yourself. Why bother?

60.只要你敢死，我就敢埋。
60. If you dare to die, I dare to bury you.

61.人家的造假能力让我打消了造假的念头。
61. The counterfeiting ability of others has made me abandon the idea of faking.

62.分手时，她给了我一个吻，那感觉和《人民日报》一样真实…
62. When breaking up, she gave me a kiss, which felt as real as the People’s Daily…

63.女儿国里的女人们喝了河水就会怀孕，这说明什么？说明上游的河边住着一群吊丝。
63. In the Country of Women, the women become pregnant after drinking the river water. What does this indicate? It suggests that there is a group of losers living by the river upstream.

64.只要老鼠药  老师说过：世上没有后悔药，只有老鼠药~
64. Only rat poison. The teacher said: There is no regret medicine in the world, only rat poison.

65.做个有气质的流氓，做个有品位是色狼，做个有知识的文盲！
65. Be a refined hooligan, be a tasteful lecher, be an educated illiterate!

66.攻占脑细胞远比攻占卵细胞困难得多。
66. It is much more difficult to occupy brain cells than to occupy egg cells.

67.你不问，我不说，这就是距离；你问了，我不说，这就是隔阂；你问了，我说了，这就是信任；你不问，我说了，这就是依赖。
67. If you don’t ask and I don’t say, that’s distance; if you ask and I don’t say, that’s a barrier; if you ask and I say, that’s trust; if you don’t ask and I say, that’s dependence.

68.人家有的是背景儿，我有的只是背影儿。
68. Others have backgrounds, while I only have a back view.

69.超市偶遇前女友 她看了我手里的手套眼幽怨的说：离开我以后你变体贴了，还知道给女朋友买衣服！我淡淡得看了一眼她购物篮里的黄瓜曰：离开我以后你也变温柔了，都知道接老公回家了！
69. I ran into my ex-girlfriend at the supermarket. She looked at the gloves in my hand and said with a grievance, “You’ve become more considerate after leaving me, even knowing how to buy clothes for your girlfriend!” I glanced at the cucumbers in her shopping basket and said, “You’ve become more gentle after leaving me, even knowing how to pick up your husband!”

70.一小朋友问一富翁：先生你为啥那么有钱呢？富翁说：小的时候我跟你一样什么也没有，爸爸给我一个苹果，于是我就把那个苹果卖了，用赚到的钱再买两个苹果，然后再卖了买四个苹果。小朋友若有所思的说：先生我好像懂了。富翁先生说：你懂你妹啊，后来我爹死了，我继承了他所有的遗产。”
70. A child asked a rich man: Sir, why are you so wealthy? The rich man replied: When I was young, I had nothing just like you. My father gave me an apple, so I sold that apple and used the money to buy two apples. Then I sold them and bought four apples. The child thoughtfully said, “Sir, I think I understand.” The rich man replied, “You understand nothing! Later, my father died, and I inherited all his wealth.”

71.你，上线匆匆，下线匆匆。我，屏蔽其他信息，只为等你一语。
71. You, log on and off in a hurry. I, block other messages, just waiting for a word from you.

72.女人三十岁前化妆是一种美，女人三十岁以后化妆是一种美德！
72. For women, makeup is a beauty before thirty, and a virtue after thirty.

73.我的人生有A面也有B面你的人生有S面也有B面。
73. My life has Side A and Side B; your life has Side S and Side B.

74.暧昧就是我找你借钱，你没说借，也没说不借，而是只说你老公不在家……
74. Ambiguity is like I ask you for a loan, and you don’t say yes or no, but only mention that your husband is not at home…

75.最近又胖了，打电话时一笑，脸蛋就碰能到挂机键。
75. I’ve gained weight recently, and when I laugh on the phone, my cheek can touch the hang-up button.

76.下一届的学弟们，看上哪个学姐你就告诉我，我去告诉她男朋友。
76. Next year’s junior students, if you like any senior girl, just let me know, and I’ll tell her boyfriend.

77.竟然有人我涂了蓝眼影，那简直是在侮辱我得黑眼圈！
77. Someone actually insulted my dark circles by putting blue eyeshadow on me!

78.本来只想老老实实做个水煮蛋的我，现在被他们翻来覆去地煎成了荷包蛋。
78. Originally, I just wanted to be a plain boiled egg, but now they’ve flipped and fried me into an omelet.

79.我像一只趴在玻璃上的苍蝇，前途一片光明，而我却找不着出路……
79. I am like a fly lying on a glass surface, with a bright future ahead, but I can’t find a way out…

80.法律规定：男人岁才能结婚，可是岁就能当兵。这说明了个问题：一是杀人比做丈夫容易；二是过日子比打仗难；三是女人比敌人更难对付。
80. The law stipulates that men can get married at 22, but they can become soldiers at 18. This indicates a problem: 1) killing people is easier than being a husband; 2) living with a spouse is harder than fighting a war; 3) women are more difficult to deal with than enemies.

81.每次考试都是孙子出题儿子监考老子不会！！！
81. Every exam is like the grandson creates the questions, the son supervises the exam, and the father doesn’t know the answers!

82.黑丝泛滥的季节，让我们这些粗腿情何以堪？
82. In the season of overflowing black silk, how can we with thick legs bear this?

83.再拉风的男人在现实面前也要低头，再叼的人做完后也是要洗了睡的……
83. No matter how cool a man is, he has to bow down in front of reality; no matter how tough a person is, they still have to wash up and sleep after doing it…

84.避孕的效果是，不成功，便成人。
84. The effectiveness of contraception is: if it fails, it becomes an adult.

85.风萧萧兮易水寒，欠了钱兮你要还！
85. The wind is bleak and the Yi River is cold; if you owe money, you must pay it back!

86.报告老师大事不好了数学作业和语文作业变成蝴蝶飞走了
86. Reporting to the teacher, something bad has happened: the math and language homework has turned into butterflies and flown away.

87.我喜欢孩子，更喜欢造孩子的过程！
87. I like children, and I like the process of making them even more!

88.我把炫迈吐出来粘到了电脑上，其实没什么，只是希望网速能像说的那样，根本停不下来。
88. I spit out the chewing gum and stuck it on the computer; it’s nothing serious, I just hope the internet speed can be as advertised, never stopping.

89.一次趁宿舍室友洗澡去，把他手机里存的女友号码改成我的，晚上躺床上给他发一条短信“老公，我怀-孕了”。只见那哥们儿忽的翻身下床，巴达巴达抽了一盒烟，找寝室人借钱…。
89. Once when my roommate was taking a shower, I changed the number of his girlfriend in his phone to mine. That night, lying in bed, I sent him a text message, “Honey, I’m pregnant.” The guy suddenly turned over, got out of bed, smoked a pack of cigarettes, and borrowed money from the roommates…

90.偶尔幽生活一默你会觉得很爽，但生活幽你一默就惨了…
90. Occasionally making a joke about life can make you feel great, but if life makes a joke of you, it’s terrible…

91.对于，看完鬼片不敢上厕所的孩子们，我想说鬼也是有尊严的，哪个鬼夜没事躲你家马桶里等你。
91. To those who dare not go to the bathroom after watching a horror movie, I want to say that ghosts also have dignity; which ghost would hide in your toilet waiting for you at night for no reason?

92.你在做什么？我在仰望天空。度的仰望是什么？是我想念她的角度。为什么要把头抬到度？为了不让我的眼泪掉下来……
92. What are you doing? I’m looking up at the sky. What’s a 45-degree gaze? It’s the angle at which I miss her. Why do I have to raise my head to 45 degrees? To prevent my tears from falling down…

93.怀才就像怀孕，时间久了才能让人看出来。
93. Having talent is like being pregnant; it takes time for others to notice.

94.人生就像一次旅行  人生就像一次旅行，指不定会在哪翻车.
94. Life is like a journey; you never know where it might take a wrong turn.

95.我说：要有上班以外的生活！于是，有了加班。
95. I said: We need a life outside of work! So, we got overtime.

96.青春的快餐只要求快不理哪一家.
96. Fast youth only demands speed, not which one it is.

97.现在找对象一定要看仔细一些，因为现在不男不女的人太多了！
97. Nowadays, when looking for a partner, you must be more careful because there are too many people who are not clearly male or female!

98.后轮爱上前轮，却知道永远不能和她在一起，于是他吻遍了她滚过的每一寸土地。
98. The rear wheel fell in love with the front wheel, but knew they could never be together, so he kissed every inch of the ground she rolled on.

99.上惯了天涯：十几个朋友聚餐，刚上二楼楼梯口，见一男子扶着一孕妇下楼，走在前头的哥们赶紧往旁边一让，回头就是一句：“楼下保持队形！”
99. Being used to hanging out at Tianya: more than a dozen friends gathered for dinner, just as we reached the second floor, we saw a man helping a pregnant woman downstairs. The friend in front quickly stepped aside and said, “Maintain the formation downstairs!”

1.我们不在见面了洗头好累，洗发水好贵。
1. We won’t meet again: washing my hair is tiring, and shampoo is expensive.

2.等待你的关心，等到我关上了心！
2. Waiting for your concern, until I close my heart!

3.以前上学的时候很是怀念，有次上晚自习班主任没在，班里可炸开了锅。突然校长从后门进来了，把我们训斥了一顿，顿时板上鸦雀无声了。接着……他又从前门进来了，点点头说：你们这班真不错，很有纪律性，不像刚刚那个班！
3. I really miss the time when I was in school. Once during the evening study, our headteacher was absent, and the class was in chaos. Suddenly, the principal entered from the back door and scolded us. The class immediately became silent. Then… he entered from the front door, nodded, and said: “This class is really good, very disciplined, unlike the one just now!”

4.我爱你，但是你要和我上床。
4. I love you, but you have to sleep with me.

5.男人最傻的时候是第一次穿西装上班的时候，女人最傻的时候是第一次穿吊带裙上街的时候。
5. The silliest time for men is when they wear a suit to work for the first time, and for women, it’s when they wear a strapless dress on the street for the first time.

6.森林这么大，我竟然找不到吊死的一棵树！
6. The forest is so big, but I can’t find a tree to hang myself!

7.大多数女人最漂亮是眼睛，最性感是嘴唇，最时尚的是发型……当然，最好看的，还是那少数女人的那张脸。
7. Most women’s prettiest feature is their eyes, their sexiest is their lips, and their most fashionable is their hairstyle… Of course, the most beautiful is still the face of a few women.

8.城市管理者大队长猝死在街头——狗都累死了，可见统治者残忍到什么程度！
8. The city manager captain suddenly died on the street - the dogs are all tired to death, showing how cruel the rulers are!

9.昨天的语文作业中，出现这样的造句：“还是–虽然–。”小明写完作业了，也交了作业，但还是被老师处罚，因为小明的作业上写着：“老师还是丑的，虽然她已经化妆了！”
9. In yesterday’s Chinese homework, there was a sentence structure: “Still - although -.” Xiao Ming finished his homework and submitted it, but he was still punished by the teacher because his homework said: “The teacher is still ugly, although she has put on makeup!”

10.生命是充满遗憾的篇章，因为她没有机会让你修改病句。
10. Life is a chapter full of regrets because she doesn’t have the chance to let you correct the faulty sentences.

11.不要整天抱怨生活，生活根本就不会知道你是谁，更别说它会听你的抱怨。
11. Don’t complain about life all day long; life doesn’t even know who you are, let alone listen to your complaints.

12.在你头上拉屎的未必是敌人，也可能是你楼上的邻居。
12. The one who poops on your head may not be your enemy, but your upstairs neighbor.

13.毫无营养的对话，好想撒泡尿，给它施施肥。
13. A dialogue with no nutrition, I want to urinate and fertilize it.

14.还没来得急沾花捻草，就已经被别人拔光了。
14. I haven’t even had the chance to flirt, and someone else has already plucked all the flowers and grass.

15.别人的钱财乃我的身外之物。
15. Other people’s money is my worldly possession.

16.股市点位和离婚率有关，点以下时离婚率正常，到了点以上离婚率有所上升，到了点以上离婚率创新高。
16. The stock market index is related to the divorce rate. Below 3,000 points, the divorce rate is normal. When it reaches above 3,000 points, the divorce rate rises. When it reaches above 5,000 points, the divorce rate reaches a new high.

17.男人的话就像老太太的牙齿，有多少是真的？
17. A man’s words are like an old lady’s teeth, how many are real?

18.我特别困的时候，道德标准也没有醒，老师们要小心了。
18. When I’m particularly sleepy, my moral standards are also asleep, so teachers should be careful.

19.一室友，决心开始减肥，当着众室友的面信誓旦旦地讲到：“脂肪，我和你拼了。”一个月过去，减肥失败，又是在众室友面前温和的讲到：“亲爱的脂肪，这次你又赢了”。
19. A roommate decided to start losing weight and vowed in front of all roommates: “Fat, I will fight you.” A month later, the weight loss failed, and he gently said in front of all roommates: “Dear fat, you won again.”

20.不高不矮不胖不瘦不三不四，没前没后没脸没皮没心没肺。
20. Not tall, not short, not fat, not thin, neither here nor there, no front nor back, no face, no skin, no heart, no lungs.

21.如果你不能给你的女人穿上嫁衣，那么千万别停下你解开她衣扣的手！
21. If you can’t dress your woman in a wedding gown, then don’t stop unbuttoning her clothes!

22.妈妈说：“就算吃醋也要装的跟喝了酱油似的，不能让别人瞧不起。”
22. Mom said, “Even if you’re jealous, you should act as if you’ve just drunk soy sauce, and not let others look down on you.”

23.谁说师太这么做对不起方丈，有人考虑过道长的感受吗？
23. Who says the nun is doing something wrong to the abbot? Has anyone considered the Taoist priest’s feelings?

24.在最美好的年纪遇到你算我倒霉
24. Meeting you at the best age of my life is just my bad luck.

25.您硬要活生生把一奥黛丽赫本给打造成了站街妹。
25. You’re trying to turn an Audrey Hepburn into a streetwalker.

26.索多玛天的作者萨德公爵说罪恶那种缺少美德的优雅，难道不是更加的崇高，不是拥有坦白崇高的质量，那就胜过了美德之单调柔软的魅力，所以罪恶始终比美德可取！
26. The author of Sodom’s Days, Duke Sade, said that evil, which lacks the elegance of virtue, isn’t more sublime? Isn’t it better to possess the quality of candid sublimity, surpassing the monotonous and soft charm of virtue? So evil is always more desirable than virtue!

27.人人都说我丑，其实我只是美得不明显。
27. Everyone says I’m ugly, but in fact, I’m just not obviously beautiful.

28.如果心情不好，就去超市捏捏方便面！
28. If you’re in a bad mood, go to the supermarket and squeeze some instant noodles!

29.别说我很高傲，只昰我拒绝与禽兽打交道。
29. Don’t say I’m arrogant; it’s just that I refuse to deal with beasts.

30.房价，成为老百姓心中永远的痛。汤臣一品几年前卖万一平方，没人买，今年涨到万一平方还卖出去好几套。为什么说跟老百姓没关系？万打个对折万一平方，你会去买吗？照样买不起，再在万上面打个骨折价，万一平米，还是买不起。这样的房子送给我我也不要，因为付不起物业管理费。
30. Housing prices have become an eternal pain for the common people. Tangsun One Product was selling at 10,000 per square meter a few years ago, but no one bought it. This year, it has risen to 10,000 per square meter and still sold several sets. Why is it said to have nothing to do with the common people? Even if it’s half the price, 5,000 per square meter, would you buy it? You still can’t afford it. Even if it’s further discounted to a骨折价 (骨折 means “broken bone price” in Chinese, but it’s used to describe an extremely low price), 5,000 per square meter, you still can’t afford it. I wouldn’t want such a house even if it were given to me, because I can’t afford the property management fees.

31.贱人就是贱人，经济危机了也贵不了！
31. A jerk is still a jerk, and a financial crisis won’t make them more valuable!

32.天鹅也会寂寞  没有癞蛤蟆，天鹅也会寂寞……
32. Swans can also be lonely. Without toads, swans can be lonely too…

33.千万别考北邮，就是考——也要先早恋！
33. Never take the exam for Beijing University of Posts and Telecommunications, and if you do—fall in love first!

34.女人是书，男人是猪，永远别指望猪能读懂书！！！
34. Women are books, men are pigs, and never expect pigs to understand books!

35.大多数人想要改造这个世界，但却罕有人想改造自己。
35. Most people want to change the world, but few want to change themselves.

36.当教育和金钱挂钩的时候，老师变成了老板，学生变成了学徒，而家长就变成了ATM提款机。
36. When education is linked to money, teachers become bosses, students become apprentices, and parents become ATMs.

37.每天我都不断地刷新一项世界纪录，我在世界上已经生活的天数。
37. Every day, I keep breaking a world record: the number of days I have lived in this world.

38.我不会飞，不管为了谁。
38. I can’t fly, no matter for whom.

39.你是风儿我是沙，你是皮鞋我是刷，你不理我我自杀。
39. You are the wind, I am the sand; you are the leather shoe, I am the brush. If you ignore me, I’ll commit suicide.

40.同时绽放在夜空里的花火，看得到彼此美丽的时刻，我却无法照亮你的一生……
40. The fireworks that bloom in the night sky at the same time can see each other’s beautiful moments, but I cannot light up your whole life…

41.老师在黑板上写上“扑朔迷离”，然后问一位学生：“请你说一下这个成语是什么意思？”学生站起来，推了一下深度近视眼镜，仔细看了一下黑板上的四个字，看了半天也不 明白，最后他无可奈何地说：“老师，看不清楚。”老师说：“你说对了，请坐下。”
41. The teacher wrote “confusing” on the blackboard and then asked a student, “Please explain the meaning of this idiom.” The student stood up, pushed his thick myopia glasses, and looked carefully at the four characters on the blackboard. After a long time, he still didn’t understand, and finally said helplessly, “Teacher, I can’t see clearly.” The teacher said, “You’re right, please sit down.”

42.怎么死的？还不是穷死的。
42. How did they die? It’s because of poverty.

43.脸乃身外之物，可要可不要，钱乃必要之物，不得不要。
43. Face is a dispensable thing, but money is a necessity.

44.几个小年轻说前方一美女屁股圆，只见此美女回头柳眉一横：想摸一把不啊？
44. A few young men said there was a beautiful woman with a round butt ahead, and the woman turned around and frowned: “Do you want to touch it?”

45.幸福就是，你吃素我吃肉，让你知道要奋斗；你骑车我坐车，要你身体健康多；你睡地我睡床，地利人和帮你忙；你花钱请我客，赚钱引擎需预热；你喝水我喝汤，平淡也有好时光；你劳碌我清闲，光荣传统你承传。
45. Happiness is when you eat vegetables while I eat meat, motivating you to strive; you ride a bike while I ride in a car, wishing you good health; you sleep on the ground while I sleep on a bed, with the help of favorable conditions; you spend money to treat me, as the engine of making money needs to be warmed up; you drink water while I drink soup, enjoying the simple times; you work hard while I’m idle, inheriting the glorious tradition.

46.我的钱包就像洋葱，一打开来我就想哭。
46. My wallet is like an onion, when I open it, I want to cry.

47.我给我对象打电话，她对象接的。
47. I called my partner, and her partner answered.

48.把自己切片敷脸了  从前有一个小黄瓜，她觉得自己脸上的粉刺太多了就把自己切片敷脸了。
48. A little cucumber felt that her acne was too much, so she sliced herself and applied the slices on her face.

49.当年卖yin是因为缺钱，现在卖yin是因为缺男人。
49. In the past, I sold my body because of lack of money; now, I do it because of lack of men.

50.气得下面都湿了。如果你不能给你的女人穿上嫁衣，那么千万别停下你解开她衣扣的手！
50. So angry that I got wet down there. If you can’t provide a wedding dress for your woman, don’t stop unbuttoning her clothes!

51.请你们尽快解决你市农产品过剩的问题，今天演讲时大家朝台上扔的西红柿少说也有二百多斤。
51. Please solve the problem of agricultural surplus in your city as soon as possible. Today, during the speech, at least 200 pounds of tomatoes were thrown at the stage.

52.当我们失去的时候，才知道自己曾经拥有。
52. We only realize what we had when we lose it.

53.哥，不寂寞，因为有寂寞陪着哥。
53. Brother, I’m not lonely, because loneliness is accompanying me.

54.我过不过光棍节无所谓，只要我喜欢的人也过光棍节就可以了。
54. It doesn’t matter if I celebrate Singles’ Day, as long as the person I like does too.

55.曾经有一个加衣的机会摆在我面前我没有去珍惜，直到感冒了才后悔莫及，如果上天再给我一个重新来过的机会，我会毫不犹豫地加上我所有的衣服。
55. I once had a chance to put on more clothes, but I didn’t cherish it. I regretted it when I caught a cold. If God gives me another chance, I would put on all my clothes without hesitation.

56.故意学习，故意工作，故意生活，故意活得像个人！
56. Deliberately study, deliberately work, deliberately live, and deliberately live like a human being!

57.没有广告  心里只有你一个频道，最可恨的是还没有广告。
57. No advertisements, only you in my heart, and the most hateful thing is that there are no advertisements.

58.男人送女人胸衣，表示想建立情人关系；女人送男人内裤，表示已经有了情人关系。
58. A man giving a woman a bra indicates that he wants to establish a lover relationship; a woman giving a man underwear means they already have a lover relationship.

59.原来容嬷嬷还没死，现在改行当班主任了。
59. It turns out that容嬷嬷 (Rong Ma) is not dead, she has changed her career to be a head teacher now.

60.饭在锅里，我在床上。
60. The food is in the pot, and I am in bed.

61.听说女人如衣服，兄弟如手足。回想起来，我竟然七手八脚的裸奔了年！
61. I heard that women are like clothes, and brothers are like hands and feet. Looking back, I have been running naked for years with seven hands and eight feet!

62.要么好好活着，要么赶紧去死吧。
62. Either live well, or hurry up and die.

63.未婚女子叹：为什么好男人全成了人家的老公？有人提醒她：妻子们培养好丈夫都是自产自销，没有男人能自学成材。
63. Unmarried woman sighs: Why are all the good men already taken as husbands? Someone reminds her: Wives cultivate good husbands, they produce and sell them themselves; no man can become talented on their own.

64.有时候我乐观得就像个屁一样，总以为自己能惊天动地。
64. Sometimes I’m as optimistic as a fart, thinking I can shake the heavens and move the earth.

65.被烧死是最痛苦的一件事，因为闻到烤肉的味道却不能吃。
65. Being burned to death is the most painful thing, because you can smell the grilled meat but can’t eat it.

66.你长的飞沙走石鬼斧神功。
66. You look like a flying sandstone, a divine work of art.

67.中午睡觉，一个学生在小区骑电动车，电动车装了低音炮，那个动静大家都懂的。朋友刚准备去骂，这时三楼伸出个脑袋对着那熊孩子喊到“小伙子，你爸在家么？”“不在”“你妈呢？在不？”“中午都没回来，有事？”“我操尼玛个逼，大中午不睡觉弄尼玛个低音炮，再不关老子下去抽死你！”
67. Sleeping at noon, a student rides an electric scooter in the community, and the scooter is equipped with a subwoofer, everyone knows the noise it makes. My friend was about to scold him when a head poked out from the third floor and shouted at the kid, “Young man, is your dad home?” “No.” “How about your mom? Is she in?” “She hasn’t come back at noon, what’s the matter?” “Damn it, you’re making noise with that subwoofer at noon instead of sleeping, if you don’t turn it off, I’ll come down and beat you to death!”

68.你露出半个屁股不代表你性感只能说明你内裤买小了。
68. You showing half of your butt doesn’t mean you’re sexy, it just means your underwear is too small.

69.你瘦的时候在我心里，后来胖了，卡在里面出不来了。
69. When you were thin, you were in my heart; then you got fat and got stuck in there.

70.媳妇可以长相依，马子不能代替妻。
70. A wife can be a lifelong companion, but a mistress cannot replace a wife.

71.每个女人都在找很Man的男人，结果发现最Man的是自己。
71. Every woman is looking for a very manly man, only to find out that the most manly one is herself.

72.有空学风水去，死后占个好墓也算弥补了生前买不起好房的遗憾。
72. Have some free time to learn Feng Shui, so that after death, occupying a good grave can make up for the regret of not being able to afford a good house during one’s lifetime.

73.爱你一万年，那是代表一万年以后不爱你了！
73. Love you for ten thousand years, that means I won’t love you after ten thousand years!

74.面对美女，有危险要救，没危险要制造危险，然后再救。
74. Facing a beautiful woman, if there’s danger, save her; if there’s no danger, create danger, and then save her again.

75.BOSS：在公司中我是头，我：这我相信。但在家里呢？BOSS：我当然也是头，我：那你的夫人呢？BOSS：她是脖子。我：那为什么呢？BOSS：因为头想转动，得听脖子的。
75. BOSS: In the company, I’m the boss, me: I believe that. But at home? BOSS: Of course, I’m also the boss, me: And what about your wife? BOSS: She’s the neck. Me: Why is that? BOSS: Because the head has to listen to the neck when it wants to turn.

76.对我不好的女人，诅咒你被护舒宝吸干大姨妈。
76. For women who treat me badly, I curse you to be dried up by Whispear during your period.

77.钱不是问题，问题是没钱！
77. Money is not a problem, the problem is having no money!

78.不要说别人脑子有病，脑子有病的前提是必须有个脑子。
78. Don’t say others have brain problems; having brain problems requires having a brain in the first place.

79.那种可硬可软可泼可娇可傲的女汉子才最值得你拥有。
79. A tough yet gentle, bold yet charming tomboy is the one worth having.

80.小子，今儿是怎么了？出门儿吃错药了？还是忘吃药了？
80. Kid, what’s wrong with you today? Did you take the wrong medicine when you went out, or did you forget to take it?

81.什么事残忍？对男人，我就打断他三条腿；对公狗，我就打断它五条腿。
81. What’s cruel? For men, I’ll break his three legs; for male dogs, I’ll break its five legs.

82.老娘法眼一开就知道你是个妖孽了！
82. As soon as my maternal eyes are open, I can tell that you are a demon!

83.送女朋友回家 去哪都是顺路！
83. Taking my girlfriend home, everywhere is on the way!

84.何必兔子满山跑  既然窝边还有草，何必兔子满山跑!
84. Why should the rabbit run all over the mountains when there is grass right beside its nest?

85.你在我的特别关心里，却不在我的最近访客里。
85. You are on my special concerns list, but not on my recent visitors list.

86.昨天晚上，老公工作应酬就没回来吃饭了。晚上睡觉前，儿子问：妈妈，怎么叫应酬啊？妈妈：应酬就是不想去但不得不去的活动就叫应酬！第天早上，儿子出门上学去，说：妈，我去应酬了！
86. Last night, my husband didn’t come home for dinner due to work. Before going to bed, my son asked: “Mom, what is ‘work’?” I replied: “Work is an activity you don’t want to attend but have to!” The next morning, as my son left for school, he said: “Mom, I’m going to work now!”

87.姑娘我生气就张口说脏话，总好比哭哭啼啼张可怜的好。
87. When I get angry, I just curse and swear; it’s better than crying and looking pitiful.

88.咱们是否可以找个地方喝上一杯，交个朋友？或者说，还是我直接把钱包给你？
88. Can we find a place to have a drink and become friends? Or should I just give you my wallet directly?

89.总喜欢做点下流的事  上流社会的人，总喜欢做点下流的事。
89. People from the upper class always like to do some vulgar things.

90.都说转角遇到爱，TMD,老子一不留神，还没到角的地方，在转的时候已经给车撞了！
90. They say love is around the corner, but I wasn’t even close to the corner when I got hit by a car while turning the corner!

91.前进的理由只要一个，后退的理由却要一百个。许多人整天找一百个理由证明他不是懦夫，却从不用一个理由证明他是勇士。
91. One reason to move forward is enough, but a hundred reasons are needed to back down. Many people spend their whole lives finding a hundred reasons to prove they are not cowards, but never use one reason to prove they are brave.

92.我那么喜欢你，你喜欢我一下会死啊。
92. I like you so much, will it kill you to like me back?

93.一有人尊敬我，我就开始怀疑人类的尊严。
93. Whenever someone respects me, I start to doubt human dignity.

94.主持人你好，我正挤在路车上。我想给前面靠窗的那位姑娘点一首歌，就是张学友的那首。 你知道的，对对对，路上有你，挤一点也愿意。
94. Hello, host! I’m on a crowded bus now. I’d like to dedicate a song to the girl sitting by the window in front of me, the one by Zhang Xueyou. You know, the one called “On the Road with You.” Yes, yes, yes, having you on the road, I don’t mind being squeezed.

95.格式化自己，只为删除你。
95. Format myself just to delete you.

96.他们永远无法体会，笨懒没出息，对我们人生的幸福有多么重要……
96. They will never understand how important laziness and mediocrity are to our happiness in life…

97.今天叫男朋友洗衣服，突然问我你这么懒你妈知不知道？知道啊！我昨天打电话给我妈，说过年带你回去，我妈说我这么懒，别着急结婚，慢慢找一个知道你这么懒还能忍受的那货只好默默地去洗衣服了。
97. Today, I asked my boyfriend to do the laundry, and he suddenly asked if my mom knew how lazy I was. Yes, she does! I called her yesterday and told her I’d bring you home for the New Year. She said I’m so lazy that I shouldn’t rush into marriage and should take my time to find someone who can tolerate my laziness. So he had no choice but to go do the laundry.

98.只想优雅转身，不料华丽撞墙。
98. I just wanted to turn around gracefully, but I ended up hitting the wall.

99.我身边的朋友们啊，你们快点出名吧，这样我的回忆录就可以畅销了。
99. My friends around me, please become famous quickly so that my memoirs can become bestsellers.

100.不以风骚惊天下，就以淫荡动世人。
100. If not by flirtation to shock the world, then by obscenity to move people.

1.走自己的路，让别人打车去吧！
1. Walk your own path and let others take taxis!

2.跌破发行价  就你这个样子，这个年龄，已经跌破发行价了。
2. The price has dropped below its issue price. With your appearance and age, you have already dropped below your issue price.

3.莎士比亚说：人们可支配自己的命运，若我们受制于人，那错不在命运，而在我们自己。
3. Shakespeare said: People can control their own destiny. If we are subject to others, the fault lies not in fate, but in ourselves.

4.一位老大太买了袋卫生球，第二天，她又来到商店里。“请再给我袋卫生球。”她对店员说。 店员吃惊地看着她：“您家一定有很多蟑螂吧？” “是的，”老太太答道，“我花一整天时间，用昨天买的卫生球打 蟑螂，可惜，至今我才打中一只。”
4. An old lady bought a bag of mothballs. The next day, she came back to the store. “Please give me another bag of mothballs,” she said to the clerk. The clerk looked at her in surprise: “You must have a lot of cockroaches at home, right?” “Yes,” the old lady replied, “I spent the whole day trying to hit the cockroaches with the mothballs I bought yesterday, but unfortunately, I’ve only hit one so far.”

5.众人皆醉我独醒，老子就是不正经！
5. Everyone else is drunk, but I am the only one awake. I am not serious by choice!

6.说吧，你是想死呢还是不想活了？
6. Tell me, do you want to die or just not live anymore?

7.终于发现自己有了一个习惯，如果堕落也算是一种习惯的话。
7. I finally realized I have a habit, if being decadent can be considered a habit.

8.现在有些同学，有事没事就爱请人吃饭，别人要给钱还非要拦着，这是在当我们吃软饭么？对于这样的同学，我只有个字：请联系我！
8. Some classmates nowadays love to invite others to dinner, and when others want to pay, they insist on covering the bill. Are they treating us like we’re eating soft food? For such classmates, I have only one word: Contact me!

9.老子不打你，你不知道我文武双全。
9. If I don’t hit you, you won’t know that I am both cultured and skilled in martial arts.

10.名人说：+=众人震惊，说好有哲理啊！平凡人说：+=众人臭骂，说你傻逼啊！
10. A celebrity says: + = People are shocked, saying how profound it is! An ordinary person says: + = People scold, calling you an idiot!

11.数学老师带我们在题海中遨游，结果她上岸了，我们全都淹死了。
11. Our math teacher took us on a journey through the sea of problems, but she made it to shore, while we all drowned.

12.禾苗不认爹和娘，耕作到家多打粮。
12. Seedlings don’t recognize their parents; hard work brings a bountiful harvest.

13.看看你的排名，就知道你班有多少人。
13. Just look at your ranking, and you’ll know how many people are in your class.

14.我原本想瘦的万人倾城，但现在却胖的五花三层。
14. I originally wanted to be so thin that I would be倾城 (captivating) to thousands, but now I am so fat that I have five layers of fat.

15.二货男同事对美女同事说：美女，做我女朋友好吗？美女同事：我不喜欢男的。二货男同事愣了一会特妩媚的来了一句：帅哥，约吗？
15. A silly male colleague said to a pretty female colleague: “Beauty, will you be my girlfriend?” The female colleague replied, “I don’t like men.” The silly male colleague, after a moment of confusion, said in a very charming manner: “Handsome guy, want to make a date?”

16.女人一定要对自己好一点。一旦累死了，就会有别的女人花你的钱，住你的房，睡你的老公，打你的娃！
16. Women must treat themselves well. Once you’re exhausted to death, another woman will spend your money, live in your house, sleep with your husband, and beat your child!

17.单身的我，手机一坏，心情跟失恋一样！
17. Being single, when my phone breaks down, I feel as if I’ve just gone through a breakup!

18.抬头度只是为了不让鼻涕留下来，低头度只是为了擦鼻涕不让人看见。
18. I raise my head 45 degrees only to prevent snot from flowing down; I lower my head 45 degrees only to wipe my nose without being noticed.

19.要在江湖混，最好是光棍！
19. To get by in the world, it’s best to be a bachelor!

20.照相是要抢时机的，刻意的永远不会好。
20. Taking photos is all about seizing the moment; anything deliberate will never be good.

21.晚上想想千条路，早上起来走原路。
21. At night, I think of a thousand paths; in the morning, I still follow the same old one.

22.曾经有个小女孩在楼上对我说：哥哥你好帅啊！我当即回了句：不帅不帅随便长的。
22. Once a little girl upstairs said to me, “Brother, you are so handsome!” I immediately replied, “Not handsome, not handsome, just a random look.”

23.我被青春撞了一下腰，丫不但不道歉还装没事人似的。于是我狠狠的揍了丫。于是，我的青春鼻青脸肿。
23. I got bumped by youth, but it didn’t apologize and pretended to be fine. So I punched it hard. As a result, my youth had a swollen nose and face.

24.和女神聊qq，发现女神最喜欢做的事就是：哎呀，我要去洗澡了，我要吃饭去了，或者我有事出去一下有空聊，同学找我了，我妈妈叫我……女神的一天可真忙啊！
24. Chatting with the goddess on QQ, I found that her favorite thing to do was to say: “Oh, I’m going to take a bath, I’m going to eat, or I have something to do and will chat later, a classmate is looking for me, my mom is calling me…” The goddess’s day is really busy!

25.公鸡打架头对头，夫妻吵嘴不记仇。
25. Roosters fight head-to-head, but couples don’t hold grudges after arguing.

26.据说，人只有两个选择，忙着死或是忙着活，我想我有了第三种选择：忙着等死。
26. It is said that people have only two choices: to be busy dying or to be busy living. I think I have a third choice: to be busy waiting to die.

27.没有分的另一半，只有分的两个人！
27. There is no such thing as a separated couple, only two separated people!

28.相爱是种感觉，当这种感觉已经不在时，我却还在勉强自己，这叫责任！分手是种勇气！当这种勇气已经不在时，我却还在鼓励自己，这叫悲壮！
28. Falling in love is a feeling, and when that feeling is gone, I am still forcing myself, which is called responsibility! Breaking up takes courage! When that courage is gone, I am still encouraging myself, which is called tragic and heroic!

29.视金钱如粪土，但所有的人都在争着做粪土收藏家。
29. Treating money as dirt, yet everyone is competing to be a dirt collector.

30.“假期为什么这么短”“因为假期没有上午”。
30. “Why are holidays so short?” “Because there are no mornings during holidays.”

31.今天胃又赢了  我有一颗减肥的心和一个吃货的胃，他们天天PK，我掐指一算，艾玛，今天胃又赢了。
31. Today, my stomach won again. I have a heart for losing weight and a stomach for eating. They fight every day, and I calculate with my fingers, oh my, my stomach won again today.

32.人是铁，饭是钢，骨头里面没有汤。
32. Man is iron, rice is steel, and there is no soup inside the bones.

33.如果跟导师讲不清楚，那么就把他搞胡涂吧！
33. If you can’t explain it to your mentor, just confuse him!

34.什么闺蜜抢男朋友？开玩笑，我压根就没闺蜜。
34. What about best friends stealing boyfriends? Joking, I don’t even have any best friends.

35.请别用你的第二张嘴，来勾引我的第三条腿。
35. Please don’t use your second mouth to seduce my third leg.

36.如果有一天我变成了色狼，请别忘记曾经的我也纯真过。
36. If one day I become a lecher, please don’t forget that I was once innocent.

37.老婆是大树，情人是小草，种棵大树好乘凉，养片小草好遛鸟，和谐社会，绿色环保。
37. A wife is like a big tree, and a lover is like grass. Planting a big tree is good for shade, and having some grass is good for taking a walk with birds. A harmonious society, green and environmentally friendly.

38.参加选美的那些女人，都找不到好男人，因为好男人都结婚了，比如我。
38. Those women who participate in beauty contests can’t find good men, because good men are already married, like me.

39.我这辈子只有两件事不会，就是这也不会那也不会。
39. In my life, there are only two things I can’t do: this and that.

40.话费没了，流量没了，短信没了，寒假没了，作业还有。
40. The phone bill is gone, the data is gone, the text messages are gone, the winter vacation is gone, but the homework is still there.

41.试金可以用火，试女人可以用金，试男人可以用女人。
41. Gold can be tested by fire, women can be tested by gold, and men can be tested by women.

42.你对生活哭诉伤情，生活岂能对你笑脸相迎；你对生活张牙舞爪，生活立马把你撂倒；你对生活 玩世不恭，生活叫你四大皆空；你对生活嬉皮笑脸，生活叫你连哭带喊；你对生活麻木冷漠，生活叫你穷苦落魄；你对生活不上心，生活灌你两瓶脑白金。
42. If you complain about your life, how can life smile at you; if you act aggressively towards life, life will immediately knock you down; if you treat life with contempt, life will leave you with nothing; if you act foolishly towards life, life will make you cry and scream; if you are indifferent and numb to life, life will lead you to poverty and misery; if you don’t care about life, life will make you drink two bottles of “Brain White” (a Chinese health supplement).

43.网上自古无娇娘，残花败柳一行行，偶有几对鸳鸯鸟，也是野鸡配色狼。
43. There have never been any beautiful women online, only faded flowers and withered willows lined up, and occasionally a few pairs of mandarin ducks, but they are just wild chickens dyed with wolf colors.

44.闺蜜就是那个在你蠢的时候，和你一起蠢，或者比你更蠢的那个人。
44. A best friend is the one who acts foolish with you when you are foolish, or even more foolish than you.

45.死并不可怕，可怕的是想死不敢死。
45. Death is not可怕, what’s可怕的 is wanting to die but not daring to die.

46.宿舍的弟兄决定对张舍监实施以下惩罚：让其抱着贴满老中医广告的电线杆，饱含热泪充满深情的大声呐喊：我的病终于有救了啊！
46. The brothers in the dorm decided to punish the dormitory supervisor by making him hold onto a utility pole covered with old Chinese doctor advertisements, tears in his eyes and full of emotion, shouting loudly: “My illness is finally cured!”

47.俺从不写措字，但俺写通假字。
47. I never write wrong characters, but I write pseudo-characters.

48.地理课上，大军在睡觉，老师叫他到讲台上，要他指出挂图上哥伦布所发现的新大陆。大军指出了正确的位置，老师满意的笑道：“同学们你们知道是谁发现新大陆了吗？”同学们：“大军。”接着老师又问大军：“新大陆下面那行数字是什么意思？”大军：是哥伦布的电话号码。
48. In a geography class, Dajun was sleeping. The teacher called him to the podium and asked him to point out the New World discovered by Columbus on the map. Dajun pointed to the correct location, and the teacher smiled satisfactorily, saying, “Class, do you know who discovered the New World?” Students: “Dajun.” Then the teacher asked Dajun, “What do you think the row of numbers below the New World means?” Dajun: “It’s Columbus’ phone number.”

49.现实的社会，毁了我一个做好人的机会。
49. The real society has ruined my chance to be a good person.

50.最讨厌那些跟我说“你为何放弃治疗”的废话，搞得我好像还有救似的。
50. I hate those who say “Why did you give up treatment?” to me, as if I still have a chance to be saved.

51.祝你和英雄联盟  祝你和英雄联盟百年好合永结同心。
51. I wish you and League of Legends a harmonious and lasting relationship for a hundred years.

52.有一次，一个家长打电话问老师，我儿子历史成绩怎么样，以前我读书的时候历史成绩一直不好，老师回答说，历史正在重演。
52. Once, a parent called the teacher to ask about their son’s history grade. The parent said, “When I was in school, my history grade was never good.” The teacher replied, “History is repeating itself.”

53.如果多吃鱼可以补脑让人变聪明的话，那么你至少得吃一对儿鲸鱼……
53. If eating more fish can improve brain function and make one smarter, then you would have to eat a pair of whales at least…

54.人走茶凉伤感吗？不伤感！真正伤感的是：人走了，把我的茶杯也骗走了。
54. Is it sad when people leave and the tea cools? No, it’s not sad! What’s truly sad is when someone leaves and takes my teacup with them.

55.都说牛郎和织女是最痛苦的，一年只会一天。我说他们其实是最幸福的！有谁天都被思念着呢？
55. People say that Cowherd and Weaver Girl are the most miserable, only meeting once a year. But I say they are the happiest! Who else is missed every single day?

56.初见倾心，再见痴心，终日费心，欲得芳心，煞费苦心，想得催心，难道你心，不懂我心！
56. At first sight, I was captivated; upon seeing you again, I became infatuated; spending all day trying to win your heart, putting in so much effort, thinking of you constantly, longing for your heart, but do you understand my heart?

57.一个乞丐在街头行乞，这时，一个路人走来，他看了看乞丐说：“你身强力壮，又没有残疾，凭啥要我给你钱？” 乞丐大怒，说：“难道为了向你讨几个臭钱，我还要把自己弄成残疾不成？”
57. A beggar was begging on the street when a passerby came and looked at him, saying, “You are strong and not disabled, why should I give you money?” The beggar became furious and said, “Do I have to become disabled just to beg for a few stinky coins from you?”

58.金牛座属于闷罐车型，和金牛座谈恋爱的感觉跟坐舱底偷渡去美国差不多吧？
58. Taurus is like a闷罐车 (muffled can) type, is dating a Taurus similar to secretly stowing away to America by sitting at the bottom of a cabin?

59.老娘变天鹅的时候，你还是个蛋呢。
59. When I turned into a swan, you were still an egg.

60.车道山前必有路，有路我也刹不住。
60. There must be a road before the mountain, but even if there is a road, I can’t stop.

61.误入一理发室，对洗头妹百般挑逗冷脸拒绝。理发完毕，给元找零，洗头妹以没有零钱为由坦开胸怀：摸三把，不用找零了！
61. I mistakenly entered a hair salon and tried to flirt with the shampoo girl, but she coldly rejected me. After the haircut, I gave her the money and she said she didn’t have change, so she opened her arms and said, “Touch me three times, and you don’t need to pay for the change!”

62.蹲在路边看小妞，躺在床上玩小J。
62. Squatting by the roadside watching the girls, lying in bed playing with little J.

63.口袋里钞票的颜色决定今天的心情！
63. The color of the money in your pocket determines your mood for the day!

64.据说脸大的人不能用触屏手机，因为一笑会把电话给挂了。
64. It is said that people with big faces cannot use touch screen phones, because a smile might hang up the call.

65.“特别能吃苦”这五个字，我想了想，我只做到了前四个。
65. “Especially capable of enduring hardship” - I thought about it and realized I’ve only managed to do the first four words.

66.想想，马上从初三的老女人变成高一的小学妹就开心。
66. Just thinking about going from being an old woman in the third year of junior high to a freshman girl makes me happy.

67.我就喜欢你看我不爽，又干不掉我的样子。
67. I just like the way you’re annoyed with me but can’t do anything about it.

68.一个人类可以承受dol（dol：疼痛计量单位）的疼痛。当女人生孩子的时候，要承受dol的疼痛，大概就是碎了根骨头的样子。但是，如果一个男人被T到蛋了，那种疼痛是dol，换算过来就是同时分娩个孩子或者断了根骨头，所以女人永远都不会明白蛋疼有多疼！
68. A human can endure a certain level of dol (dol: unit of pain). When a woman gives birth, she has to endure dol of pain, which is like breaking a bone. However, if a man gets hit in the groin, the pain is dol, which is equivalent to giving birth to several children at once or breaking a bone. So, women will never understand how painful it is.

69.女人生气就和放炮差不多，一点就着，炸完扫扫地就没事了。男人生气就和会员卡积分一样，一次加个几分，没多大事，但是等积分满一百了，就给你兑换一个小三。
69. A woman getting angry is like setting off fireworks; once ignited, it explodes and then it’s over after sweeping up the mess. A man getting angry is like accumulating points on a membership card; it’s not a big deal, but when the points reach a hundred, it redeems a mistress for you.

70.一节班会课上，老师正在引导初中生们怎样正确认识“流行”。为了了解学生们的掌握情况，老师提出了一个问题：“同学们，你们认为现在社会上最流行的是什么？”同学们七嘴八舌地说开了：有说肯德基麦当劳的；有说网络游戏的；还有个奇葩说是恋爱的，理由是“大人小孩儿都谈。”最后，小明发言：“我认为，什么最流行，应该是感冒！鸡猪人都流行！”
70. In a class meeting, the teacher was guiding middle school students on how to correctly understand “trends.” To check their understanding, the teacher asked a question: “Students, what do you think is the most popular in society now?” The students discussed various answers: some said KFC and McDonald’s, others mentioned online games, and a peculiar one said love, reasoning that “everyone talks about it.” Finally, Xiao Ming said, “I think the most popular thing should be a cold! It’s popular among both chickens and humans.”

71.不如斗地主  锄禾日当午，啥都不靠普。闲来没事做，不如斗地主。
71. Better to play Landlord - When the sun is high, there’s nothing to do but play Landlord.

72.刚才在一个网站上注册了一个用户名叫“爹”，结果给我发了一个邮件，开始我一看就傻眼了，上面写的是：“爹，您好，你的用户名注册成功了！”
72. Just registered a username “Dad” on a website, and they sent me an email. At first glance, I was stunned. It said, “Hello Dad, your username has been successfully registered!”

73.如果多吃鱼可以补脑让人变聪明的话，那么你至少得吃一对儿鲸鱼。
73. If eating more fish can improve your brain and make you smarter, then you’d have to eat a pair of whales at least.

74.不要以为你晒黑了就能掩盖你是白痴的事实。
74. Don’t think that getting a tan can cover up the fact that you’re an idiot.

75.多年后，重相逢，我变瘦，你变兽。
75. After many years, when we meet again, I’ll be slim, and you’ll be a beast.

76.这年头 漂亮的人说自己不美，不美的人说自己漂亮，这是要闹那样！
76. Nowadays, beautiful people say they’re not pretty, while those who aren’t pretty say they are. What’s going on?

77.起那么早干吗？酒吧还没开门呢！
77. What’s the point of getting up so early? The bars aren’t open yet!

78.喜欢是淡淡的爱；爱是深深的喜欢。
78. Like is a faint love; love is a deep like.

79.你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
79. You might as well let me kneel on a washboard; I can’t stand kneeling on an electric heater!

80.我的大名叫上帝，小名叫耶稣，英文名God，法号是如来…
80. My full name is God, my nickname is Jesus, my English name is God, and my Buddhist title is Tathagata…

81.我又不是王子，为什么女孩遇见我总认为自己应该成为公主。
81. I’m not a prince, so why do girls always think they should become princesses when they meet me?

82.每天早上醒来发型都不一样，不是赛亚人就是奥特曼。
82. Every morning when I wake up, my hairstyle is different, either like a Saiyan or Ultraman.

83.我会努力变成你喜欢的那种人，然后死都不跟你在一起。
83. I will try my best to become the person you like, and then never be with you.

84.痛苦本来就是清醒的人才能拥有的享受…
84. Pain is originally an enjoyment that only those who are awake can have…

85.漫漫长夜无心睡眠，我们除了创造人类还能有什么追求。
85. On a long sleepless night, what else can we pursue besides creating humanity?

86.人家减肥减腰减屁股，为什么你非要从脑细胞开始。
86. Others lose weight from waist and buttocks, why do you have to start with brain cells?

87.通常愿意留下来跟你争吵的人，才是真正爱你的人！
87. Usually, the person who is willing to stay and argue with you is the one who truly loves you!

88.一只青蛙给牧师打电话，问自己的命运。牧师说：“明年，有一个年轻的姑娘会来了解你。”青蛙高兴的蹦了起来：“哦，真的吗？是在王子的婚礼上吗？”牧师说：“不，是在她明年的生物课上。”
88. A frog called the pastor, asking about its destiny. The pastor said, “Next year, a young girl will come to know you.” The frog jumped happily, “Oh, really? Is it at the prince’s wedding?” The pastor said, “No, it’s in her biology class next year.”

89.当我穷困潦倒时，在我身旁的是你；当我生病受伤时，在我身边的是你；当我情场失意时，在我身旁的还是你……跟你在一起真倒霉。
89. When I was poor and down, you were by my side; when I was sick and injured, you were by my side; when I was heartbroken, you were still by my side… It’s really bad luck to be with you.

90.不是所有四川人都吃辣，不是所有东北人都不怕冷；不是所有蒙古人都会摔角；不是所有的海南人都会爬树。不要我每次我和你们说我是山东人，你们就问我：“那你挖掘机一定开的很好吧。”！
90. Not all Sichuan people like spicy food, not all Northeastern people are not afraid of cold; not all Mongolians can wrestle; not all Hainan people can climb trees. Don’t ask me, “You must be good at driving an excavator” every time I tell you I’m from Shandong.

91.人在花后死，欠债更风流！
91. To die after the flowers wither, to be in debt and more romantic!

92.公布成绩的那一刻最容易得心脏病。
92. The moment when the results are announced is the most heart-attack-prone.

93.以前少爷和小姐都是被人伺候的，现在变成专门伺候别人的。
93. In the past, young masters and misses were served by others; now, they become the ones serving others.

94.我是你转身就忘的路人甲，凭什么陪你蹉跎年华到天涯？
94. I am the passerby you forget as soon as I turn around, why should I accompany you through the years to the ends of the earth?

95.把我的经液（验）传授给你！
95. Pass on my essence (experience) to you!

96.一闪一闪亮晶晶，满天都是狐狸精。
96. Twinkle, twinkle, little stars, the sky is full of fox spirits.

97.女子无才便是德，我一定是太缺德了。
97. A woman without talent is virtuous; I must be too lacking in virtue.

98.据说，爱笑的女孩鱼尾纹文都比较多！
98. It is said that girls who love to laugh have more crow’s feet.

99.我的心不是公交车，不是有空位你就坐下来。
99. My heart is not a bus, you can’t just sit down when there’s an empty seat.

100.电视上看见一身材很好的明星问老公喜欢不，老公说不喜欢。我：那么好的身材都不喜欢啊？老公：要是我喜欢身材好的，我找你干嘛？
100. On TV, I saw a star with a great figure and asked my husband if he liked her. He said he didn’t. Me: You don’t like such a great figure? Husband: If I liked good figures, why would I be with you?

1.有时候，除了谎言是真的，其它全是假的！
1. Sometimes, apart from lies, everything else is fake!

2.你那么有钱为什么不让鬼来推磨？
2. If you’re so rich, why not let ghosts push the mill?

3.实际上，到最后我们都会在别人的MSN上处于脱机状态。
3. In fact, eventually, we will all be offline on other people’s MSN.

4.有钱男子汉，没钱汉子难。
4. Rich men are strong, poor men are weak.

5.长江水，浪打浪，一代更比一代浪。
5. The Yangtze River water, waves hit waves, one generation is more competitive than the last.

6.五百年前，你是我们家的长工，那天在窗口偷看你砍柴的姿势时，我就喜欢上了你，你可别怪我当时没有告诉你！因为那时没有短消息！
6. Five hundred years ago, you were a long-term worker in our family. The day I secretly watched you chopping wood from the window, I fell in love with you. Don’t blame me for not telling you at the time! Because there were no short messages back then!

7.酒店里，一位男士的女友愤怒地高声朝他骂道：你是这个世界上最卑鄙的人！听了这话，店里所有的人都非常吃惊地看着他们，尤其是那位男士。在这危机的时刻，男士高声地对女友说：你骂他骂得太好了！你还骂了他一些什么话？
7. In a hotel, a man’s girlfriend angrily shouted at him: You are the most despicable person in the world! Hearing this, everyone in the shop looked at them in surprise, especially the man. At this critical moment, the man shouted to his girlfriend: You scolded him too well! What other words did you scold him with?

8.那天看到你在大街上摔倒了，当时着急的要死，多希望现实能够像网络一样可以在右下角轻轻点个赞。
8. That day, when I saw you fall on the street, I was so anxious, wishing reality could be like the internet where I could just give a simple like at the bottom right corner.

9.在修辞学里  你这种说话方式在修辞学里叫做“扯”。
9. In rhetoric, your way of speaking is called “nonsense.”

10.挤公交是包含散打瑜珈柔道平衡木等多种体育和健身项目于一体的综合性运动。
10. Taking the bus involves various sports and fitness activities such as boxing, yoga, judo, and balance beam, making it a comprehensive sport.

11.亲们要搞清楚啊，男人们所说的吃货姑娘最可爱指的是，一个娇小可爱的萌妹子对着一盘可口的法式甜点红着脸扑闪着大眼睛的景象，而不是一个大肥婆咬牙切齿满嘴油光地啃着手上的鸡翅眼睛还不时往前方盘子里的烤串儿瞟的模样。
11. People should understand that when men say cute food-loving girls, they mean a petite, cute girl blushing and batting her big eyes while facing a delicious French dessert. Not a fat woman greedily gnawing on chicken wings with oily mouth, eyes constantly glancing at the skewers on the plate in front.

12.考历史的时候，我莫名的有一种沉重感，因为我就要改变历史了。
12. When taking a history exam, I have an inexplicable sense of heaviness because I am about to change history.

13.完美的爱情让人意志薄弱，不完美的爱情伤害人心。
13. Perfect love weakens the will, while imperfect love hurts the heart.

14.世界要是没有了色狼，美女还有价值吗？
14. If there were no lechers in the world, would beautiful women still have value?

15.春晚的主流观众是亿农民，如果说周立波是上海人民的小菜，那么赵本山就是全国人民的北方水饺。
15. The main audience of the Spring Festival Gala is hundreds of millions of farmers. If Zhou Libo is a small dish for the people of Shanghai, then Zhao Benshan is the northern dumplings for the whole country.

16.我是从地狱来接引你们的，见到撒旦麻烦告诉他说一声——是俺给他地狱增添牲口的…
16. I came from hell to guide you, and if you see Satan, please let him know - it’s me who brings more livestock to his hell…

17.傻B就傻B吧，只要不影响国人的整体素质。
17. Just be a fool if you are one, as long as it doesn’t affect the overall quality of the people.

18.女：我想找个男朋友。男：我帮你，我们宿舍有个还不错。女：我跟他在一起你不心疼吗？男：想多了吧？放心我跟他没什么的。
18. Girl: I want to find a boyfriend. Boy: I can help you; there’s a pretty good one in our dorm. Girl: Won’t you feel heartbroken if I’m with him? Boy: You’re overthinking it. Don’t worry, there’s nothing between us.

19.不能因为我俩有过节，你就把我当节过。
19. Just because we have a grudge, doesn’t mean you should treat me like a holiday.

20.来到这世上，我就没打算活着回去！
20. Since I came to this world, I never planned on leaving alive!

21.脱了袜子自己闻，那叫日记。脱了袜子请朋友到家里来闻，那叫博客。脱了袜子挂在家门口让路过的人闻，那叫论坛。脱了袜子挂在广场上请所有人闻，再去闻别人的袜子，恭喜你，你已经玩微博了。
21. Taking off your socks and smelling them is called a diary. Inviting friends to smell your socks at home is called a blog. Hanging your socks at the door for passers-by to smell is called a forum. Hanging your socks in the square for everyone to smell, and then smelling others’ socks, congratulations, you have started using Weibo.

22.区区一个七夕节算什么？嫁对了人，天天情人节。嫁错了人，天天清明节。嫁个懒人，天天劳动节。嫁个有钱的人，天天过春节。嫁个花心的，天天光棍节。嫁个幼稚的，天天六一儿童节！嫁个骗子，天天愚人节！
22. What’s a single Qixi Festival? Marry the right person, and every day is Valentine’s Day. Marry the wrong person, and every day is the Qingming Festival. Marry a lazy person, and every day is Labor Day. Marry a wealthy person, and every day is like celebrating the Spring Festival. Marry a flirtatious person, and every day is Singles’ Day. Marry an immature person, and every day is Children’s Day! Marry a liar, and every day is April Fool’s Day!

23.宿舍熄灯后俺总要磨叽阵子，某次到洗西红柿，忽然门外脚步声大作。校长带学校领导来查房，听到了水房的声音过来啦。俺情急智生，果断拿起……西红柿朝自己鼻子就来一下子。校长：“你哪班的？还不睡觉？”俺猛回头，暗淡灯光下那叫一血腥……，“俺鼻子破了俺洗洗”“哦，哦，你慢慢洗慢慢洗……。”
23. After the lights go out in the dormitory, I always have to dawdle for a while. One time, I was washing tomatoes when I heard footsteps outside the door. The principal and school leaders came to check the rooms and heard the noise from the bathroom. In a moment of desperation, I quickly picked up a tomato and smashed it on my nose. Principal: “Which class are you from? Why aren’t you asleep?” I turned my head abruptly, and under the dim light, it looked quite bloody… “My nose is bleeding, I’m just washing it.” “Oh, oh, take your time, take your time…”

24.我认识的人越多，就越喜欢动物。
24. The more people I meet, the more I like animals.

25.夜无寐，只想寻欢打炮，人无踪，一只野狗干活。
25. Sleepless nights, just wanting to have fun and make love, but no one is around, so a wild dog has to do the job.

26.爱情是照相。需要黑暗才能成为照片。
26. Love is like photography. It requires darkness to become a photo.

27.本地恋费时间，异地恋费话费，没人恋的费流量。
27. Local relationships cost time, long-distance relationships cost phone bills, and those without relationships waste data.

28.偶尔幽生活一默你会觉得很爽，但生活幽你一默就惨了……
28. Occasionally making a joke about life can feel great, but when life makes a joke out of you, it’s terrible…

29.明星脱一点就能更出名，我脱的光光的却被抓起来了！
29. Celebrities can become more famous by revealing a little, but when I stripped down completely, I got arrested!

30.一天，其实很短暂，电脑一开一关，就过去了。
30. A day is actually very short; it passes by with the opening and closing of a computer.

31.我把她从女孩变成了女人；她把我从男孩变成了…穷人。
31. I turned her from a girl into a woman; she turned me from a boy into… a poor man.

32.学生到食堂吃饭，发现猪排不太新鲜，就去问打菜的师傅：“师傅，我发现这星期的猪排没上星期的好吃。”师傅说：“胡说，这个就是上星期的猪排！”
32. A student went to the cafeteria for lunch and found the pork chops not as fresh as before. He asked the server, “Master, I noticed that the pork chops this week aren’t as tasty as last week’s.” The server replied, “Nonsense, these are the same pork chops from last week!”

33.导演：“真正的艺术是无价的！”演员：“我们要为艺术献身！”记者：“能先从被窝里面出来拍几张照片吗？”
33. Director: “True art is priceless!” Actor: “We must dedicate ourselves to art!” Reporter: “Can you come out of the bed and take a few photos first?”

34.我只想做一个安静的学霸，可现实告诉我我只能做一个逗比的学渣。
34. I just want to be a quiet top student, but reality tells me I can only be a funny underachiever.

35.“刚和我朋友下棋，他把我帅吃了”“你想表达什么？”“我帅死了”
35. “I just played chess with my friend, and he took my ‘shuai’ (handsome) piece.” “What are you trying to say?” “I’m so handsome!”

36.在野外遇到蛇怎么办？不要惊慌，面带温润的笑容撑起一把伞，假装是许仙。
36. What to do if you encounter a snake in the wild? Don’t panic, put on a gentle smile, hold up an umbrella, and pretend to be Xu Xian.

37.为什么现在越来越多夫妻不想要小孩了呢?因为上面来的领导说了：要从娃娃抓起。
37. Why don’t more and more couples want children now? Because the leaders above said: “Start with the children.”

38.和尚说：“你以为我是吃素的？”尼姑说：“老娘什么没见过！”
38. Monk: “Do you think I’m a vegetarian?” Nun: “I’ve seen everything!”

39.两个口袋的衣服叫学生服；三个口袋的衣服叫西服；四个口袋的衣服叫中山服；衣服上到处是口袋的，如果不是时髦，肯定是讨饭的叫花子。
39. Clothes with two pockets are school uniforms; three pockets are suits; four pockets are Zhongshan suits; clothes with pockets everywhere, if not fashionable, must belong to a beggar.

40.快来个女人糟蹋糟蹋我吧！
40. Come on, some woman, ravage me!

41.看着被锁在门外的人们，是他们迷失了还是我们赢了？
41. Looking at the people locked outside, are they lost, or have we won?

42.我有个朋友，他很穷，我就问他家的生活，他说：“只能盖钱睡觉。”瓦特？！我顿时傻眼。
42. I have a friend who is very poor. When I asked about his family’s life, he said, “We can only sleep on money.” What?! I was stunned.

43.完美的人生就是住英国的房子，戴瑞士手表，拿美国工资，娶韩国女人，嫖俄罗斯女人，开德国轿车，喝法国红酒，雇菲律宾女佣。
43. The perfect life is to live in a British house, wear a Swiss watch, earn American wages, marry a Korean woman, sleep with Russian women, drive a German car, drink French wine, and hire a Filipino maid.

44.这年头还整天挂QQ的人，除了上班没事做，就是下班没人爱的人……
44. Nowadays, those who hang on QQ all day are either people who have nothing to do at work or those who have no one to love after work…

45.有一次记者访问展昭：“您身为南侠，为什么要放弃江湖的快意恩仇而跑去跟包大人呢？”展昭答：“小混混怎么能跟公务员比呢？”
45. Once, a reporter asked Zhan Zhao, “As a Southern Hero, why do you give up the joys and grudges of the martial world and go to work with Judge Bao?” Zhan Zhao replied, “How can a small-time thug compare to a civil servant?”

46.做到“三思而后行”  能做到“三思而后行”的人不是因为他又聪明又理智，而是他怕轻而易举的被别人骂他妈和他大爷。
46. To achieve “think thrice before you act” - people who can “think thrice before you act” are not necessarily wise and rational, but rather, they are afraid of being easily scolded by others about their mother and father.

47.今天和两个朋友出去，遇见老太太摔倒，穿的厚挣扎几下没起来，我们挺想扶，但是都胆怯。短暂商议石头剪子布，哥们输了去了，扶起来之后老太看了他一眼什么没说走了。回来后我们我们问什么感觉，二货来了句：那一眼吓死我了，真TM刺激。
47. Today, I went out with two friends and saw an old lady fall. She was wearing thick clothes and struggled a few times but couldn’t get up. We wanted to help, but we were all timid. After a brief discussion, we played rock-paper-scissors, and my friend lost. He went to help her up. The old lady glanced at him and left without saying a word. When we asked him how it felt, he said, “That glance scared me to death. It was really TM exciting.”

48.我爱你！关你什么事？
48. I love you! What does it matter to you?

49.我喝水只喝纯净水，牛奶只喝纯牛奶，所以我很单纯。
49. I only drink pure water and pure milk, so I am very innocent.

50.想做二奶并不是你的错，可来大学念书就是你的不对了！
50. Wanting to be a mistress is not your fault, but coming to university to study is your mistake!

51.商女不知亡国恨妓女不懂婚外情。
51. A businesswoman doesn’t know the sorrow of a nation’s demise, and a prostitute doesn’t understand extramarital affairs.

52.不上咱学校的洋妞不知道自己是只小小鸟——怪不得赵传唱这首歌的时候那么伤心…
52. Foreign girls who don’t come to our school don’t realize they are just little birds - no wonder Zhao Chuan was so sad when he sang this song…

53.你长的外形不准比例没打好。
53. Your appearance is not accurate, and the proportions are not well-balanced.

54.几十年了，只有绿箭没有涨价过！
54. For decades, only Green Arrow gum has never increased in price!

55.唐僧肉吃了能长生不老，唐僧屎不知道有没有同样的功效？
55. Eating Tang Monk’s flesh can make you immortal, but I wonder if eating Tang Monk’s feces has the same effect?

56.大部分人一辈子只做三件事：自欺欺人被人欺。
56. Most people do three things in their lives: deceive themselves, deceive others, and be deceived by others.

57.幸福是个比较级，要有东西垫底才感觉得到。
57. Happiness is a comparative level; you need something at the bottom to feel it.

58.我那么好一个姑娘你都瞧不上，少年，莫非你喜欢男人？
58. I’m such a good girl, and you can’t even appreciate it. Young man, do you prefer men?

59.好吃不过饺子，好玩不过嫂子。
59. There’s nothing better than dumplings to eat, and nothing more fun than playing with your sister-in-law.

60.少女诚可贵，少妇价更高，若有富婆在，二者皆可抛。
60. A young girl is valuable, but a young married woman is even more valuable. If there’s a rich old lady, you can forget about both of them.

61.要做的事情总找得出时间和机会，不要做的事情总找得出借口。
61. If you want to do something, you can always find the time and opportunity. If you don’t want to do something, you can always find an excuse.

62.义无返顾的爱他，希望他能明白，即使不明白也没有关系，谁叫我爱他呢？！
62. I love him wholeheartedly, hoping he will understand, but even if he doesn’t, it doesn’t matter, because I love him, right?

63.听说你怀孕了，恭喜你终于结束“单身”。
63. I heard you’re pregnant, congratulations on finally ending your “single” status.

64.我不是喜欢她，我是喜欢我的剧本，只是我的剧本却是我深深的爱着她。
64. I don’t like her, I like my script, but my script is about me deeply in love with her.

65.千万别混日子，当心日子把你给混了。
65. Never waste time, or be careful that time will waste you.

66.蠢是会传染的，你们别靠近我，我机智。
66. Foolishness is contagious, so don’t come close to me, I’m clever.

67.当初我看上你，因为我脑子进水了，现在我脑子抖干了。
67. I was attracted to you because I had water on the brain, now my brain is dried up.

68.现在的钱好便宜啊，随便一个东西都可买到好多钱哦。
68. Money is so cheap these days, you can buy a lot for just a little thing.

69.我想把我的一生浓缩成一句笑话。
69. I want to condense my whole life into a joke.

70.姐从来不说人话，姐一直说的是神话。
70. Sister never speaks human language, sister always speaks myth.

71.我人才，你天才，不就比我多个二。
71. I’m talented, you’re a genius, so you’re just one “two” ahead of me.

72.我极力收拢自己，一如我攥紧的石头，是为了将它扔地更远！
72. I try my best to hold myself back, just like when I clench a stone tightly, in order to throw it even further!

73.女孩对男孩说：“咱们分手吧”。男孩：“为什么？”女孩：“考试周过了，图书馆的座位没用了”。男生：“可是我有两张软卧的票啊”。女孩：“讨厌，不早说，人家刚刚跟你开玩笑来着”。
73. Girl to boy: “Let’s break up.” Boy: “Why?” Girl: “The exam week is over, the library seat is useless now.” Boy: “But I have two soft sleeper tickets.” Girl: “Oh, you naughty, I was just joking with you.”

74.雨伞外的女人，注定了雨天就不能出门……
74. A woman outside the umbrella is destined not to go out on rainy days…

75.抢匪：快把保险箱密码说出来！不说杀了你！女职员：杀了我也不说！你糟蹋了我我也不说！抢匪上下打量她后：你想得美！
75. Robber: “Quickly tell me the safe password! I’ll kill you if you don’t!” Female employee: “I’d rather die than tell you! Even if you ravage me, I still won’t tell!” Robber looks her up and down: “You wish!”

76.得苦中苦，才能开路虎。少壮不努力，只能开夏利！
76. Only through hardships can you drive a Range Rover. If you don’t work hard in your youth, you can only drive a Xiali!

77.要想富，少养干部多养猪…
77. To become rich, raise fewer officials and more pigs…

78.老天，我以后再也不叫你爷了，你压根就不爱我这个孙女。
78. God, I will never call you “grandpa” again, you obviously don’t love me, your granddaughter.

79.你骂我，肯定是因为你不够了解我，因为那些了解我的人都想砍我。
79. If you scold me, it must be because you don’t know me well enough, because those who know me well want to chop me.

80.沒有激情的亲吻，哪來床上的翻滚？
80. Without passionate kisses, where would there be rolling in bed?

81.天堂就在女人的洞穴里！
81. Heaven is in a woman’s cave!

82.卖花的小姑娘拉着我，说道：大哥哥，买花吧，一看就知道你是花心的人。
82. The little girl selling flowers pulled at me and said, “Big brother, buy some flowers, I can tell you’re a flirtatious person just by looking at you.”

83.我臊眉耷眼的走了，正如我挤眉弄眼地来。
83. I walked away with a sheepish grin, just as I had come with a smirk.

84.刚交的gf跟我才确定一周的关系就要和我分手，就因为我没读过奥克塔维奥•帕斯的书和博尔赫斯的诗…
84. My newly established girlfriend of only a week wants to break up with me, just because I haven’t read the books of Octavio Paz and the poems of Borges…

85.再聪明的女人在自己的相貌上也是糊涂的，再愚蠢的男人在女人的相貌上也是清醒的。
85. No matter how smart a woman is, she is always confused about her own appearance, and no matter how foolish a man is, he is always clear-headed when it comes to a woman’s appearance.

86.上联：试问中国男奥有多愁。下联：恰似一群太监逛青楼。横批：没人会射。
86. Upper couplet: How much sorrow do Chinese men have in the Olympics. Lower couplet: Just like a group of eunuchs visiting a brothel. Horizontal scroll: No one can shoot.

87.本QQ长期代理搭讪与被搭讪业务，欢迎广大妇女儿童面带微笑前来洽谈。
87. This QQ account is a long-term agent for chatting up and being chatted up services, welcome all women and children to come and discuss with a smile.

88.碰到一个写手个性签名：也许似乎大概是，然而未必不见得。碰到一个GG个性签名：给我一个姑娘，我可以创造一个民族。
88. I came across a writer’s personal signature: It might seem probably, but it’s not necessarily the case. I also came across a guy’s personal signature: Give me a girl, and I can create a nation.

89.敬告各位家长，请不要骂自己的孩子是“小兔崽子”，因为从遗传学的角度讲，这对你们自己是非常不利的。
89. Dear parents, please do not call your children “little rabbits,” because from a genetic perspective, it is very unfavorable to you.

90.有一天，语文老师叫我们默写“帅”这个字，同桌不会写，抬头悄悄看了我的脸一眼，居然写出来了。
90. One day, the Chinese teacher asked us to write the character “handsome” from memory. My deskmate couldn’t write it, so he quietly glanced at my face and managed to write it.

91.那次坐公交车试着学韩国女主角头靠窗含情脉脉的看窗外，结果路太烂把我颠成了脑震荡。
91. That time, I tried to imitate a Korean drama heroine by resting my head against the window and gazing longingly outside. However, the road was too bumpy, and I ended up with a concussion.

92.有怀疑就有真理，因为真理是怀疑的影子。
92. Where there is doubt, there is truth, for truth is the shadow of doubt.

93.好久没有人把牛皮吹的这么清新脱俗了！
93. It’s been a long time since someone has boasted so refreshing and unconventional!

94.我又不准备温柔  我不丑，但我也不准备温柔。
94. I’m not planning to be gentle. I’m not ugly, but I’m not planning to be gentle either.

95.兄弟从前的情感生活，那也是颇为凌乱的。
95. My brother’s past emotional life was quite messy.

96.古时候真好，割了就能当公务员!
96. It was great in ancient times when you could become a civil servant just by being castrated!

97.昨儿一小朋友，女的，十二三岁吧，加我QQ，一看不认识，果断拒绝，过了一会我那五年级的小弟发信息给我，哥哥，刚刚加你的是我女朋友，你加她一下！对于二十四岁的单身屌丝来说，这日子没法过了。
97. Yesterday, a young girl, around twelve or thirteen years old, added me on QQ. I didn’t recognize her, so I refused her request. After a while, my fifth-grade younger brother sent me a message, “Brother, the girl who just added you is my girlfriend, please add her!” For a 24-year-old single loser, life is unbearable.

98.都说男人有钱就变坏，tmd我都当了二十多年的好人了！
98. They say men become bad when they have money, but I’ve been a good person for over twenty years!

99.我就像一只趴在玻璃上的苍蝇，前途一片光明，但又找不到出路。
99. I’m like a fly on a glass window, with a bright future ahead, but I can’t find a way out.

100.又要到了大街上女露，露丝，丝黑，黑透，透粗，粗骚，骚丑，丑渔网，渔网破洞的季节了……
100. It’s that time of the year again when women on the streets wear revealing clothes, showing their skin, black stockings, thick thighs, coarse and bold styles, and ugly fishnet stockings with holes…