1.你给我滚，马不停蹄的滚……
1. Get out of here and don’t stop rolling…
2.天下之大，大不过你缺的那块心眼。
2. The world is vast, but not as vast as the piece of wit you lack.
3.你长的外形不准比例没打好
3. Your appearance is disproportionate and poorly structured.
4.巴黎圣母院少个敲钟的，就你了。
4. Notre Dame in Paris is short of a bell-ringer, and it’s you.
5.你长的惊险有创意啊.
5. Your appearance is thrilling and creative.
6.你长的好象车祸现场。
6. You look like a car accident scene.
7.说吧，你是想死呢还是不想活了？
7. Tell me, do you want to die or just not want to live?
8.你活着浪费空气，死了浪费土地，半死不活浪费RMB…
8. You’re a waste of air when alive, a waste of land when dead, and a waste of RMB when half-dead and half-alive…
9.小子，今儿是怎么了？出门儿吃错药了？还是忘吃药了？
9. Kid, what’s wrong with you today? Did you take the wrong medicine when you went out, or did you forget to take it?
10.你长得真有创意，活得真有勇气。
10. You’re really creative in appearance and courageous in living.
11.你一出门，千山鸟飞绝，万径人踪灭。
11. When you go out, all the birds in the mountains fly away, and there are no traces of people in the paths.
12.你是不是三鹿喝多了？
12. Have you drunk too much Sanlu milk?
13.你的长相真是不敢恭维……衰的都拖网速……
13. Your appearance is hard to praise… So ugly that it slows down the internet speed…
14.上帝造就你是他的创意，你能活在这世上是你的勇气。
14. God’s creation of you is his idea, and your living in this world is your courage.
15.圣母峰雪人的弃婴，化粪池堵塞的凶手.
15. Abandoned baby of the Yeti from Mount Everest, the culprit of a blocked cesspool.
16.你长的丑不是你的错，可是出来吓人就是你的错！
16. It’s not your fault that you’re ugly, but scaring people is your mistake!
17.非洲人弄上黑猪的後裔，阴阳失调的黑猩猩.
17. A descendant of African people and black pigs, a black gorilla with an imbalance of Yin and Yang.
18.看看你的排名，就知道你班有多少人。
18. Look at your ranking, and you’ll know how many people are in your class.
19.你的牙如同天上的繁星，色泽鲜艳，相距甚远.
19. Your teeth are like the stars in the sky, colorful and far apart.
20.幼儿园水平的高中生，先天蒙古症的田鸡头.
20. A high school student with a kindergarten level, a toad with congenital Mongolian syndrome.
21.要不是打不过你，我早就和你翻脸了。
21. If I could beat you, I would have already turned against you.
22.你出生时是不是被扔上去过３次而只被接住过２次？
22. Were you dropped three times when you were born and only caught twice?
23.好久没有人把牛皮吹的这么清新脱俗了！
23. It’s been a while since I’ve seen someone brag so elegantly and unpretentiously!
24.你这个高级演化不完全的生命体，基因突变的外星人.
24. You are such a high-evolved, yet incomplete life form, a genetically mutated alien.
25.哥们儿，瞧你这IQ……是加利敦（家里蹲）大学物理（屋里）系的吧？
25. Buddy, looking at your IQ… Did you study physics (staying indoors) at Jia Liden (housebound) University?
26.你长的飞沙走石鬼斧神功.
26. Your appearance is so captivating that it defies description.
27.你的人生，总结起来就八个字儿——生的荒唐，死的窝囊……
27. Your life can be summed up in eight words - born absurdly, died pathetically…
28.思想有多远，你就滚多远；光速有多快，你就滚多快。
28. Roll as far as your thoughts can reach; roll as fast as the speed of light.
29.你以为我会眼睁睁地看着你去送死？我会闭上眼睛的。
29. Do you think I would watch you die? I would close my eyes.
30.你玉树临风，英俊潇洒，风流倜傥，人见人爱，花见花开，想必一定是人渣中的极品，禽兽中的禽兽。
30. You are graceful and handsome, a charming and romantic person, loved by everyone, adored by all. You must be the ultimate scum of humanity, the worst of beasts.
31.今天心情不好，我只有四句话想说，包括这句和前面的两句，我的话说完了。
31. I’m in a bad mood today, and I only have four sentences to say, including this one and the two before it. I’ve finished speaking.
32.公交车上，站着的孕妇对身旁坐着的陌生男子说：你不知道我怀孕了吗？只见男子很紧张的样子道：可孩子不是我的呀！
32. On the bus, a standing pregnant woman said to the stranger sitting next to her: “Don’t you know I’m pregnant?” The man replied nervously, “But the child isn’t mine!”
33.天生就是属黄瓜的，欠拍！后天属核桃的，欠捶！终生属破摩托的，欠踹！找个媳妇属螺丝钉的，欠拧
33. You were born to be a cucumber, deserving to be slapped! You became a walnut, deserving to be pounded! You’ll always be a broken motorcycle, deserving to be kicked! You found a wife who is like a screw, deserving to be twisted.
34.据我观察，你肯定从小缺钙，长大缺爱，姥姥不疼，舅舅不爱。左脸欠抽，右脸欠踹。驴见驴踢，猪见猪踩。
34. Based on my observation, you must have been calcium deficient as a child and love-starved as you grew up. Your grandmother doesn’t care for you, and your uncle doesn’t love you. Your left cheek is asking to be slapped, and your right cheek is asking to be kicked. Even donkeys and pigs would avoid you.
1、观摩了你的生活，我终于找到了活下去的勇气。
1. After observing your life, I’ve finally found the courage to keep living.
2、天上不会掉馅饼，因为我们不相信。
2. Good things don’t just fall from the sky because we don’t believe in them.
3、虽然体内的雄激素过多。但至少别人知道我是女的就够了。
3. Although I have an excess of male hormones, at least others know I’m a woman.
4、别用你老百姓的身份，跟我说黑色会的故事。
4. Don’t tell me stories of the underworld with your commoner identity.
5、我一直都喜欢你，我只是有时不喜欢人类。
5. I’ve always liked you, I just don’t like humans sometimes.
6、你没事儿老梦我干嘛，我忙你不知道么？
6. Why do you keep dreaming about me when I’m busy? Can’t you tell I’m busy?
7、成功是一个相关名词，他会给你带来许多不相关的亲戚。
7. Success is a relative term, it will bring you many unrelated relatives.
8、不要用那种小狗般无辜的眼神看我，会让我想吃狗肉
8. Don’t look at me with that innocent puppy-like gaze, it makes me want to eat dog meat.
9、众里寻他千百度，没病你就走两步。
9. Searching for him among the crowd, take a few steps if you’re not sick.
10、化学老师问，煤气泄露要怎么办？别慌，点根儿烟，冷静一下
10. Chemistry teacher asks, what should you do in case of gas leak? Don’t panic, light a cigarette and calm down.
11、时间过的真快，刚起床就天黑了
11. Time flies so fast, it gets dark as soon as I get up.
12、有爹有娘，没车没房，兴趣广泛，心地善良。
12. Having parents, but no car or house, with diverse interests and a kind heart.
13、每次临时抱佛脚的时候。佛总是给我一脚。
13. Every time I try to seek help at the last minute, Buddha always kicks me.
14、世界上最遥远的距离，是你在澳洲家里，而我在家里熬粥。
14. The longest distance in the world is when you are at home in Australia, while I’m at home making porridge.
15、别老说自己没事儿，没事儿不是事儿啊。
15. Don’t always say you’re fine, being fine is not a matter.
16、为什么我把手机调成了飞行模式，从四楼扔下去还是碎了？
16. Why did my phone still break when I switched it to airplane mode and threw it from the fourth floor?
17、我渴望自由，但人的身躯不知道怎么才能从狗洞里爬出！
17. I long for freedom, but I don’t know how to crawl out of the dog hole with a human body!
18、说好了不要让我流泪，可你怎么拿洋葱熏我。
18. You said you wouldn’t make me cry, so why are you using onions to make my eyes watery?
19、我说这位壮士，你在我伤口上撒完盐，就别再尝尝咸淡了吧。
19. I say, sir, after you’ve sprinkled salt on my wound, don’t taste the saltiness anymore, okay?
20、思想品德不及格，总比没思想好
20. Failing in moral character is better than having no thoughts at all.
21、暗恋就是没有配高射炮的雷达，默默地锁定了敌机。
21. Secret love is like a radar without an anti-aircraft gun, silently locking onto the enemy aircraft.
22、我左手拿叉右手拿刀，把生活慢慢享用。
22. I hold a fork in my left hand and a knife in my right, slowly savoring life.
23、心理测试说：我的心是玻璃做的。我扒开一看，结果是防弹玻璃。
23. A psychological test says: my heart is made of glass. I take a look, and it turns out to be bulletproof glass.
24、你还装啥嫩呢，脸上皱纹能把苍蝇夹死。
24. You’re still pretending to be young, but the wrinkles on your face can crush flies.
25、总是发呆，害怕有一天真的变成呆子。
25. Always daydreaming, afraid that one day I’ll really become a fool.
26、你来我信你不会走，你走我当你没来过。
26. If you come, I believe you won’t leave; if you leave, I’ll act as if you never came.
27、打是亲，骂是爱，亲爱不够用脚踹！
27. Hitting is a sign of affection, scolding is a sign of love; if affection and love are not enough, then kick!
28、有钱的时候说，钱是挣出来的。没钱的时候说，钱是省出来的。
28. When you have money, you say it’s earned. When you don’t have money, you say it’s saved.
29、把你家的地址说出来，我要把它改成公共厕所。
29. Tell me your home address, I’m going to turn it into a public toilet.
30、人生自古谁不死，下个就要轮到你。
30. Since ancient times, who hasn’t died? You’re next in line.
31、你你你你你，再逼我，我就喂你喝三鹿。
31. You, you, you, if you push me again, I’ll make you drink Sanlu milk.
32、吃什么鱿鱼丝、墨鱼丝的，给我上点美人鱼丝。
32. What’s the point of eating squid or cuttlefish? Bring me some mermaid instead.
33、有一种爱叫放手，手放开后，请你快走。
33. There’s a kind of love called letting go; once you let go, please leave quickly.
34、做自己想做的事，别的，就让猪乱说去吧。
34. Do what you want to do, and let the pigs gossip.
35、想想，还是幼儿园好混。
35. Thinking about it, kindergarten was easier to get by.
36、我能想到最浪漫的事，就是看你一人慢慢变老。
36. The most romantic thing I can think of is watching you grow old all by yourself.
37、明明是乡镇干部之子的气质还偏装都市富二代。
37. Clearly, you have the temperament of a rural cadre’s child but insist on pretending to be a metropolitan rich second generation.
38、春哥不是纯爷们，但是她的确是个真汉子
38. Chun Ge is not a pure man, but she is indeed a real tough guy.
39、你妈生你的时候一定是满怀焦虑，心不在焉的，如此潦草
39. Your mother must have been anxious and absent-minded when she gave birth to you, so careless.
40、您别看我长得像没头脑，其实我是不高兴。
40. Don’t look at me like I’m mindless; actually, I’m just unhappy.
41、你别总是带着一脸便秘似的郁闷！
41. Don’t always wear a face full of constipation-like depression!
42、别觉得你被世界抛弃了，世界根本就没空搭理你。
42. Don’t feel like the world has abandoned you; the world simply has no time for you.
43、不想叛师的徒弟，都是不成才的徒弟。
43. Disciples who don’t want to betray their masters are untalented.
44、梦想不实现都是因为不够现实。
44. Dreams are not realized because they are not realistic enough.
45、人品就这么点，省着点儿花，挥霍是可耻的。
45. Character is limited; spend it wisely, and squandering it is shameful.
46、男人的实力，就是你兜里的人民币。
46. A man’s strength is the Renminbi in your pocket.
47、别用你的肺说话，说出来的都是废话
47. Don’t speak with your lungs, or all you’ll say is nonsense.
48、如果我的人生是一部电影，你就是那弹出来的广告。
48. If my life were a movie, you’d be the ad that pops up.
49、女人的皱纹叫苍老，男人的皱纹叫沧桑。
49. A woman’s wrinkles are called aging, while a man’s wrinkles are called character.
50、你这么牛B为什么天安门没挂你的照片啊？
50. If you’re so great, why isn’t your photo hanging in Tiananmen Square?
51、比恋爱更能使人疯狂的是——失恋。
51. What drives people crazier than love is - a breakup.
52、俺不是普通人，所以不说普通话。
52. I’m not an ordinary person, so I don’t speak Mandarin.
53、谁对我的感情能像……对人民币那样的坚定啊？
53. Who can have feelings for me as firm as… for the Renminbi?
54、我最大的梦想：能够活着进天堂。
54. My biggest dream: to enter heaven alive.
55、此情可待成追忆，只是当时情况比较复杂。
55. This sentiment can be remembered, only the situation at the time was more complicated.
56、瞧你这长相，不用化妆就能去演恐怖片了。
56. With your appearance, you could act in a horror movie without makeup.
57、你的话，我连标点符号都不信。
57. I don’t believe even the punctuation in your words.
58、我的悲伤不给你看，我怕你忍不住笑场。
58. I won’t show you my sadness, for fear that you can’t help but laugh.
59、把你栽到花盆里让你也知道知道什么是植物人！
59. Plant you in a flowerpot so you know what it’s like to be a vegetable person!
60、一个受过教育的笨蛋是多么可怕的笨蛋啊！
60. How terrifying a well-educated fool can be!
61、有一种态度叫有情犯贱，有一种状态叫没事找抽。
61. There’s an attitude called affectionate humiliation, and a state called asking for trouble.
62、我把你的话放到油锅里可以榨出油来！
62. I can squeeze oil out of your words if I put them in a frying pan!
63、为什么节目中间要插播段广告？因为主持人和嘉宾要上厕所。
63. Why do we have commercials in the middle of a show? Because the host and guests need to use the restroom.
64、不懂的最高境界，是两个字：装懂！
64. The highest state of not understanding is summed up in two words: pretending to understand!
65、早回家的男人，讲故事给老婆听；晚回家的男人，编故事给老婆听。
65. Men who come home early tell stories to their wives; men who come home late make up stories for their wives.
66、没用的东西，再便宜也不买；不爱的人，再寂寞也不依赖。
66. I won’t buy useless things, no matter how cheap; and I won’t rely on someone I don’t love, no matter how lonely.
1、明月几时有，抬头自己瞅。
1. When will the bright moon appear? Just look up and see for yourself.
2、作为失败的典型，你实在是太成功了。
2. As a model of failure, you are incredibly successful.
3、帅有个屁用，到头来还不是被卒吃掉。
3. Being handsome is useless; in the end, you will still be defeated by a pawn.
4、从天堂到地狱，我路过人间！
4. From heaven to hell, I pass through the human world!
5、长个包子样就别怨狗跟着…
5. If you look like a dumpling, don’t blame the dog for following you.
6、争吵的时候，男人和女人的区别像是步枪和机关枪的区别。
6. The difference between men and women during an argument is like the difference between a rifle and a machine gun.
7、我最大的缺点，就是缺点钱……
7. My biggest flaw is that I lack money…
8、来啊，拖出去吃250个面包，不许喝水。
8. Come on, drag him out and make him eat 250 pieces of bread without water.
9、我的电话号码是10086,欢迎大家踊跃拨打。
9. My phone number is 10086, and everyone is welcome to call.
10、穿别人的鞋，走自己的路，让他们打的找去吧。
10. Wear other people’s shoes and walk your own path, so they have to take a taxi to find you.
11、是金子，总会花光的；是镜子，总会反光的…
11. Gold will eventually be spent; mirrors will always reflect light…
12、别试图教猪唱歌，不但没有结果还惹猪不高兴！
12. Don’t try to teach a pig to sing; it will have no result and make the pig unhappy!
13、你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
13. You might as well let me kneel on the washboard; I can’t stand kneeling on the electric heater!
14、这年头还整天挂QQ的人，除了上班没事做，就是下班没人爱的人……
14. Nowadays, those who hang on QQ all day are either people with nothing to do at work or those who have no one to love after work…
15、你刷牙我不管你，但是你告诉我，我的洗面奶哪里去了！
15. I don’t care if you brush your teeth, but tell me, where is my facial cleanser?
16、告诉你别逼我，你要是在逼我，我就装死给你看！
16. I warn you not to push me. If you keep pushing me, I will pretend to be dead for you!
17、铁杵能磨成针，但木杵只能磨成牙签，材料不对，再努力也没用。
17. An iron rod can be ground into a needle, but a wooden rod can only be ground into a toothpick. If the material is not right, no amount of effort will help.
18、我像一只趴在玻璃上的苍蝇，前途一片光明，而我却找不着出路……
18. I am like a fly on a glass window; the future is bright, but I can’t find a way out…
19、不怕虎一样的敌人，就怕猪一样的队友！
19. I am not afraid of an enemy like a tiger, but I am afraid of a teammate like a pig!
20、服务员，给我一杯奶茶，多放点茶叶，少放点奶…
20. Waiter, give me a cup of milk tea with more tea leaves and less milk…
21、单身很痛苦，单身久了更痛苦，前几天我看见一头母猪，都觉得它眉清目秀的…
21. Being single is painful, being single for a long time is even more painful. A few days ago, I saw a pig and thought it looked pretty…
22、我朋友在他女友手机里的名字是“他”，后来他们分手了，就变成了“它”……
22. My friend’s name in his girlfriend’s phone was “He”. After they broke up, it became “It”…
23、不要说别人脑子有病，脑子有病的前提是必须有个脑子。
23. Don’t say others have a problem with their brain. The prerequisite for having a problem with the brain is to have a brain.
24、明星脱一点就能更出名，我脱的光光的却被抓起来了！
24. Celebrities can become more famous by taking off a little clothing, but when I took off all my clothes, I got arrested!
25、骑白马的不一定是王子，可能是唐僧；有翅膀的不一定是天使，也可能是鸟人！
25. Someone riding a white horse may not be a prince, but could be Tang Seng; someone with wings may not be an angel, but could be a birdman!
26、我身边的朋友们啊，你们快点出名吧，这样我的回忆录就可以畅销了……
26. My friends around me, please become famous quickly so that my memoirs can become bestsellers…
27、鄙视我的人这么多，你算老几。
27. There are so many people who look down on me, what are you among them?
28、我做过很多愚蠢的事情，但是我毫不在乎，我的朋友把它叫做自信。
28. I have done many foolish things, but I don’t care at all. My friends call it confidence.
29、年轻的时候，我们常常冲着镜子做鬼脸；年老的时候，镜子算是扯平了。
29. When we were young, we often made faces at the mirror; when we are old, the mirror makes faces back at us.
30、猪有猪的思想，人有人的思想。如果猪有人的思想，那它就不是猪了——是八戒！
30. Pigs have pigs’ thoughts, and humans have human thoughts. If pigs have human thoughts, then they are not pigs anymore - they are Zhu Bajie!
31、俩农夫吹牛–“俺们农场的鸡，吃的都是茶叶，下的全是茶叶蛋”“有嘛啊，咱农场给鸡吃钱包，让它下荷包蛋…”
31. Two farmers bragging - “The chickens on our farm eat tea leaves and lay tea eggs.” “So what? Our farm feeds chickens with wallets, so they lay purse eggs…”
32、早餐里吃到刷锅的金属丝很正常，这正说明我们后勤是严格按照先刷锅后做饭的顺序操作的……
32. It’s normal to find metal wire from washing the pot in your breakfast. This shows that our logistics strictly follow the order of washing the pot first and then cooking…
33、钱重要吗？我认为有的时候不重要，不信把你扔到一个无人区，十天之后，我带着一百万和一碗大米饭去给你选，你一定会选大米饭！
33. Is money important? I think it’s not important sometimes. If you don’t believe me, I’ll throw you into a deserted area for ten days, and then I’ll bring one million and a bowl of rice for you to choose from. You’ll definitely choose the rice!
1、我以前很瘦，未来也很瘦，所以我现在先胖个一段时间，不然人生不圆满。
1. I used to be thin, and I will be thin in the future, so I’ll be fat for a while now, otherwise life won’t be fulfilling.
2、“我好喜欢你头像”“干嘛还带后面俩字”。
2. “I really like your avatar.” “Why add those two words at the end?”
3、要命的夏天来了，谁要是能给我们班教室装台空调，我们就把班主任嫁给他。
3. The deadly summer is coming. If anyone could install an air conditioner in our classroom, we would marry the headteacher to him.
4、千万别跟我求婚，一求婚我就会答应。
4. Don’t propose to me, because I will agree as soon as you propose.
5、人生三愿：一是吃得下饭，二是睡得着觉，三是笑得出来。
5. Three wishes in life: to be able to eat, to be able to sleep, and to be able to laugh.
6、我身在江湖，江湖却没有关于我的传说。
6. I am in the world of martial arts, but there are no legends about me.
7、能用钱解决的问题都不是问题，可问题是我是穷人。
7. Problems that can be solved with money are not problems, but the problem is that I am poor.
8、鸡的反抗是让自己的肉变得不好吃。
8. The chicken’s resistance is to make its meat taste bad.
9、我最大的本事就是把便宜的东西用出昂贵的效果来。比如相机，话筒，自己。
9. My greatest skill is to use cheap things with an expensive effect. For example, cameras, microphones, and myself.
10、听君一席话，自挂东南枝。
10. After listening to your words, I want to hang myself from the southeast branch.
11、曾经相信能把日子过成段子，如今只盼别把日子变成案子。
11. I used to believe that I could turn life into jokes, but now I just hope not to turn life into a case.
12、任何一条消息在经过官方否认之前都不能相信。
12. You cannot believe any news before it is officially denied.
13、“如果你老婆和你情人同时掉进水里，请问你是再找一个丰满型的还是娇小型的?”“还找不会游泳的。”
13. “If your wife and your lover fall into the water at the same time, would you look for another voluptuous or petite one?” “I’ll look for one who can’t swim.”
14、本人口儿重，拟禁绝可乐，改喝急支糖浆。
14. I have a heavy taste, so I plan to quit drinking cola and switch to cough syrup.
15、你没事儿老梦我干吗，我忙你不知道吗?
15. Why do you always dream of me when I’m busy? Don’t you know I’m busy?
16、别对我用美男计，否则我将计就计。
16. Don’t use the handsome man trick on me, or I’ll turn the tables on you.
17、算命先生说我会在八十岁的时候遇到一生中就重要的女人，她叫孟婆。
17. The fortune teller said that I would meet the most important woman in my life when I’m 80 years old. Her name is Meng Po.
18、别问我缺什么，我现在就缺个对象。
18. Don’t ask me what I lack, because what I lack now is a partner.
19、我今天心情不好，只想讲四句话，包括前两句，我的话讲完了。
19. I’m in a bad mood today and only want to say four sentences, including the previous two. I’ve finished my speech.
20、路上看见一对情侣亲热。于是我跑过去，对那个男孩纸说：哥哥，今天的这个姐姐没有昨天的那个漂亮……
20. I saw a couple being intimate on the street. So I ran over and said to the boy, “Brother, today’s sister is not as pretty as yesterday’s sister…”
21、一对男女在亲热，男的十分卖力，女的却毫无反映，男的生气的问道：“你就不能有点反映吗？连床也不会叫！”女的听后连忙大叫：“床！！床！！”
21. A couple was being intimate, and the man was working hard, but the woman had no reaction. The man asked angrily, “Can’t you show some reaction? You won’t even moan!” The woman quickly responded, “Bed! Bed!”
22、算命先生与小姐对白：“你命不好。”“为什么？”“因为你身上带有凶兆。”“那我把胸罩脱了行吗?”“不行，你一脱了凶兆，就会出现人生的两个大波。
22. Fortune teller and the lady’s dialogue: “You have bad luck.” “Why?” “Because you have a bad omen on you.” “Can I take off my bra then?” “No, if you take off the bad omen, you’ll face two major challenges in life.”
23、皇上，臣妾有一事相求，恳请皇上将臣妾打入冷宫，臣妾受不鸟了，这天气太热了。
23. Your Majesty, your concubine has a request. Please banish me to the cold palace, as I can’t stand this hot weather.
24、不要和我比懒，我懒得和你比。
24. Don’t compare laziness with me, I’m too lazy to compete with you.
25、万水千山总是情，给点分数行不行？人间自有真情在，给个满分也是爱！
25. There’s always love among the mountains and rivers, can you give me some points? True love exists in the world, giving a full mark is also a form of love!
26、如果婚姻是爱情的坟墓，那么相亲是为坟墓看风水，表白是自掘坟墓，结婚是双双殉情，移情别恋是迁坟，第三者是盗墓！
26. If marriage is the grave of love, then blind dates are checking the Feng Shui for the grave, confessions are digging the grave, marriages are a joint suicide, falling in love with someone else is relocating the grave, and the third party is grave robbing.
27、上课时我老低头，老师问我为什么，我淡定的回答，低头思故乡！
27. I always look down during class, and when the teacher asked me why, I calmly replied, “I’m thinking of my hometown while looking down!”
28、你骂我，肯定是因为你不够了解我，因为那些了解我的人，都想打我。
28. You insult me because you don’t know me well enough, because those who know me want to hit me.
29、每天很早来学校，表面是爱学习，可有几人知道，我们是来抄作业的。
29. Coming to school early every day seems to be about loving studying, but few people know that we are here to copy homework.
30、什么踢足球的男生帅打篮球的男生帅，都是放屁。只要你长得帅，你TM弹玻璃球都帅，长得丑的打高尔夫都像在铲屎。什么温柔的女生都有魅力，素颜不化妆的女生都清纯，都是放屁。只要你长得漂亮，你TM卖个豆腐都说是豆腐西施，长得丑的拉小提琴都像得了抽筋。
30. It’s all nonsense that guys playing soccer are handsome and those playing basketball are handsome. As long as you are good-looking, even if you play glass balls, you are handsome; if you are ugly, even playing golf looks like shoveling shit. It’s all nonsense that gentle girls are charming and girls without makeup are pure. As long as you are beautiful, even selling tofu is considered a “tofu beauty,” but if you are ugly, playing the violin looks like you have a cramp.
31、我TM是看透这个世界了！
31. I have seen through this world!
32、吃货都是善良的，因为每天只想着吃，没时间去算计别人。
32. Foodies are kind-hearted because they only think about eating and have no time to scheme against others.
33、他跟我说分手，我刚想回话，他却说发错人了。
33. He told me he wanted to break up, but as I was about to respond, he said he sent the message to the wrong person.
34、除了清明节，中国人能把所有的节日都当成情人节！
34. Except for the Qingming Festival, Chinese people can treat all holidays as Valentine’s Day!
35、我有时在想，是不是因为我太胖了，所以钻不进你的心房。
35. Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I’m too fat that I can’t fit into your heart.
36、每次看你吃猪肉的时候我都感慨万分，本是同根生相煎何太急。
36. Every time I see you eat pork, I feel deeply moved. We are born from the same root, why rush to cook each other?
37、又把老婆惹毛了，道歉了也没用，她气呼呼地在家里转圈：“哼！我要去买个贵的东西！”我一听，有转机！花钱消灾呗！马上说：“好啊!我陪你去买。”然后我们一起去了小商品市场买了个搓衣板回来……
37. I angered my wife again, and apologizing was useless. She angrily paced around the house, saying, “Humph! I’m going to buy something expensive!” I thought there was a chance! Spend money to relieve the disaster! I immediately said, “Alright! I’ll go with you to buy it.” Then we went to the small commodity market and bought a washboard…
38、我恨秦始皇，他烧书，竟然没有烧完。
38. I hate Emperor Qin Shi Huang. He burned books but didn’t finish the job.
39、去买水，老板说两块，我说瓶子上写着建议零售价一块五啊？老板说：“我不接受他的建议！”
39. When I went to buy water, the boss said it was two yuan. I said the suggested retail price on the bottle was 1.5 yuan. The boss replied, “I don’t accept his suggestion!”
40、神啊！如果没办法把我变瘦的话！就把我的朋友们变胖吧！
40. God! If you can’t make me thin, just make my friends fatter!
41、女孩为男孩做可乐鸡翅，男孩尝了一口说真好吃，女孩也吃了一口说，骗子，根本没熟。男孩温柔的说，傻瓜，你做什么我都觉得好吃。几天后，男孩和女孩禽流感死了。这个故事告诉我们，秀恩爱，死的快！
41. A girl made cola chicken wings for a boy. After taking a bite, the boy said they were delicious. The girl also took a bite and said, “Liar, they’re not cooked.” The boy gently said, “Fool, I think everything you make is delicious.” A few days later, the boy and girl died of bird flu. This story tells us that showing off love leads to a quick death!
42、天将降大任于斯人也，必先关其手机，停其流量，盗其账号，拔其网线，方能告别学渣，修成学霸。
42. Heaven will bestow great responsibilities on a person, but first, they must close their phone, cut off their data, steal their account, and unplug their internet cable, so as to bid farewell to being a poor student and become a top student.
43、夏天的时候，洗澡简直像是在帮蚊子洗菜。
43. In summer, taking a shower feels like helping mosquitoes wash vegetables.
44、这个夏天出门就是进烤箱，走路就是麻辣烫，坐下就是铁板烧，还是别下雨了，下雨就成水煮鱼。
44. Going out in summer is like entering an oven, walking is like eating hot pot, sitting is like iron板烧, and it’s better not to rain, or it will become boiled fish.
45、忽然发现，霍去病和辛弃疾是情侣名。
45. Suddenly, I realized that Huo Qubing and Xin Qiji are couple names.
46、其实，我以前个子挺高的只不过后来经常洗澡缩水了而已。
46. Actually, I used to be tall, but I shrank from taking so many showers.
47、这年头，不早恋，不犯贱，不作弊，不叛逆，不抄作业，不玩手机，都没人相信你是学生。
47. Nowadays, if you don’t have early romances, commit indecency, cheat, rebel, copy homework, or play with your phone, no one will believe you are a student.
48、老师没收了我的游戏机，期末还给我时，我发现游戏全部通关了。
48. The teacher confiscated my game console, and when she returned it to me at the end of the term, I found that all the games had been completed.
49、我觉得对陌生人应该友善一点，像路上碰到金融保险、英语培训、留学服务、情趣酒店、相亲中介、不孕不育的产品推销和调查问卷，我从来都是耐心和气地答完填上前男友的姓名住址电话。
49. I think we should be friendly to strangers, like when I encounter salespeople for financial insurance, English training, study abroad services, themed hotels, matchmaking agencies, and products for infertility. I always patiently and politely answer their questions and fill in my ex-boyfriend’s name, address, and phone number.
50、肉啊肉，有本事别冲腿来、冲胸来！
50. Meat, if you dare, don’t come at my legs, come at my chest!
51、时间就像是乳沟，挤一挤，总还是会有的！
51. Time is like a cleavage; if you squeeze it, there’s always a little left.
52、下辈子我要当男人，娶一个像我这么好的女人。
52. In my next life, I want to be a man and marry a woman as wonderful as myself.
53、家长会和小三的性质一样，都是破坏家庭和谐的！
53. Parent-teacher conferences are like mistresses; both disrupt family harmony!
54、有一次我问一个快递小哥他是什么通，他说“通通通通通通你就知道通我都给你送了半年快递了你居然还问我是什么通人家是韵达韵达韵韵达韵达韵达啦！”
54. Once, I asked a courier what company he was from, and he said, “Delivery, delivery, delivery, delivery, you know I’ve been delivering packages to you for half a year, and you still ask me what company I’m from? I’m from Yunda, Yunda, Yunda, Yunda!”
55、我想把我的一生浓缩成一句笑话。
55. I want to condense my whole life into a single joke.
56、如果以后全世界都没有人要你，一定要记得还有我，我也不要你。
56. If no one in the world wants you in the future, remember that I don’t want you either.
57、和闺蜜出去旅游，累了在树下休息。突然几滴鸟屎滴到我脸上了，我还没反应过来，闺蜜就拿手帮我抹匀，边说，你的防晒霜没摸匀呢。
57. When my best friend and I were traveling, we took a break under a tree. Suddenly, a few drops of bird poop fell on my face. Before I could react, my friend started wiping it off, saying, “Your sunscreen isn’t evenly applied.”
58、“警察叔叔，我的包丢了”“放心吧，包在我身上”“那你还我！”
58. “Officer, my bag is missing.” “Don’t worry, I’ve got it.” “Then give it back to me!”
59、不在放荡中变坏，就在沉默中变态。
59. If not corrupted in indulgence, one will become abnormal in silence.
60、寂寞就是有人说话时，没人在听，有人在听时，你却没话说了！
60. Loneliness is when there’s someone talking, but no one’s listening; when there’s someone listening, you have nothing to say.
61、比遇见一个泼妇更让人头痛的是……同时遇见两个泼妇。
61. Meeting one shrew is annoying, but meeting two at the same time is even more troublesome.
62、我们可以躲开大家，却躲不开一只苍蝇。生活中使我们不快乐的常是一些芝麻小事。
62. We can avoid everyone, but not a single fly. It’s often the trivial matters in life that make us unhappy.
63、有一种人只做两件事：你成功了，他妒嫉你，你失败了，他笑话你。
63. There are people who do only two things: envy you when you succeed, and mock you when you fail.
64、不怕神一样的哥们，就怕狗一样的朋友。
64. It’s not the god-like friends we should fear, but the dog-like ones.
65、上帝给了我们七情六欲，我们却把它们变成了色情和暴力。
65. God gave us seven emotions and six desires, but we turned them into pornography and violence.
66、英雄不问出路，流氓不看岁数！
66. A hero doesn’t care about his background, and a hooligan doesn’t care about his age!
67、从猴子变成人需要成千上万年，从人变回猴子只用一瓶酒。
67. It takes thousands of years for a monkey to become human, but it only takes a bottle of alcohol for a human to become a monkey again.
68、你鱼肉百姓，百姓就人肉你。
68. If you exploit the people, they will eventually turn against you.
69、有旳人活着，他已经死了。有的人活着，他早该死了。
69. Some people are alive, but they are already dead. Others are alive, but they should have been dead long ago.
70、什么叫寂寞？就是五十块的话费居然用了三个月还没用完……三个月啊！
70. What is loneliness? It means that a 50-yuan phone bill has not been used up in three months… three months!
71、一直听别人说，开房怎么怎么爽，终于有一天我忍不住去开房了……还真是爽啊，一个人睡这么大一张床！
71. I always heard others talk about how great it is to rent a room, and finally, I couldn’t resist trying it myself… It was indeed great, sleeping alone on such a big bed!
72、据说今年夏天全国各地如今都在追悼一个叫热的家伙——“热死了！”
72. It is said that this summer, people all over the country are mourning a guy named “Heat” – “Heat killed us!”
73、讲课时女老师裤子拉链开了，一女生站起来提醒：老师，你门没关!老师一摆手：不管它一会儿教导主任要来参观。
73. During a lecture, a female teacher’s pants zipper was open. A female student stood up to remind her: “Teacher, your door is open!” The teacher waved her hand and said, “Never mind, the principal will come to visit later.”
74、新婚次日一大早，新娘痛苦地从洞房走出，一手扶着墙壁，一手捂着下身，大骂：骗子！真是个骗子!结婚前说有三十年的积蓄，我还以为是钱呢！
74. On the second day of her marriage, the bride walked out of the bedroom in pain, leaning on the wall and covering her lower body, cursing: “Liar! You’re such a liar! You said you had thirty years of savings, and I thought it was money!”
75、要珍惜你身边长得黑的人，因为有一天煤矿车经过，你可能就在也看不到他了。
75. Cherish the dark-skinned people around you, because one day when a coal mine cart passes by, you might never see them again.
76、班主任的课，同桌趴在桌上睡觉，班主任大怒，给我使眼色，我立即领会，然后在众目睽睽之下脱掉外套，披在同桌身上，多体贴的班主任啊！
76. During the head teacher’s class, my deskmate was sleeping on the desk. The head teacher was furious and gave me a look. I immediately understood and, in front of everyone, took off my coat and covered my deskmate with it. How considerate the head teacher was!
77、问：你为女人哭过吗？答：哭过。问：谁？答：我妈，被打的老惨了，哭得嗓子都哑了。
77. Q: Have you ever cried for a woman? A: Yes. Q: Who? A: My mom, she was beaten so badly that she cried herself hoarse.
78、电风扇是人类最好的朋友，我问电风扇我长的丑吗？风扇默默地摇了一晚上的头。
78. The electric fan is the best friend of mankind. I asked the fan if I was ugly, and it silently shook its head all night.
79、“以我的颜值要是在古代，我能撑起整个青楼！”“你是说你长得像柱子吗？”
79. “With my appearance in ancient times, I could have supported an entire brothel!” “Are you saying you look like a pillar?”
80、邻居家一小正太，今年4岁，上幼儿园，整天在学校丢文具。那天他爸火了：“就你整天丢，也没见你往回拿…”结果第二天，一回家就往沙发倒了一堆铅笔、本子……
80. A 4-year-old boy in the neighborhood goes to kindergarten and loses his stationery all the time. One day, his father got angry and said, “You always lose things, but I don’t see you bringing any back…” The next day, the boy came home and dumped a pile of pencils and notebooks on the sofa…
81、闺蜜最近几天老来我家蹭饭，而且每次都吃的挺少，我就问：“怎么不多吃点？”闺蜜：“我每次减肥，又控制不住自己的嘴的时候，就想来你家蹭饭。毕竟，没有人做的饭像你做的这样，吃了第一口就不想吃第二口。”我：“你给我出去……”
81. My best friend has been coming to my house for meals lately, and she always eats very little. I asked, “Why don’t you eat more?” She replied, “Every time I try to lose weight and can’t control my mouth, I come to your house for a meal. After all, no one cooks like you do; after the first bite, I don’t want to eat the second one.” I said, “Get out of here…”
82、生活很讨厌，还好我很可爱。
82. Life is annoying, but fortunately, I am very cute.
83、有人说走路玩手机容易出车祸，卧槽吓得我开始跑着玩。
83. Some people say that using a mobile phone while walking is prone to accidents. Damn, I was so scared that I started running while using my phone.
84、有时候你不努力一下，你都不知道什么叫绝望。
84. Sometimes if you don’t try hard, you won’t know what despair is.
85、“你怎么这么矮。”“因为我一直在迷你啊！”
85. “Why are you so short?” “Because I’ve always been miniaturizing!”
86、都说聊天止于呵呵，我就不相信，昨天给男神发消息说：好喜欢你。他说：呵呵。我回答道：呵呵尼玛个壁。于是和他对骂了一个晚上。
86. They say that chatting stops at “hehe.” I didn’t believe it. Yesterday, I sent a message to my crush saying, “I like you so much.” He replied, “hehe.” I answered, “Hehe your ass!” and we ended up cursing at each other all night.
87、我吻过你的脸，都是隔离霜、bb霜、防晒霜，感觉一口吃了好多钱。
87. I have kissed your face, which is covered in makeup, BB cream, and sunscreen. It feels like I’ve eaten a lot of money in one mouthful.
88、“我胸小你介意吗”“不介意，我喜欢青梅竹马的感觉”“什么意思”“从小玩到大”。
88. “I have a small chest, do you mind?” “No, I like the feeling of childhood sweethearts.” “What does that mean?” “Growing up together.”
89、在餐厅偶遇初中女同学，但是她不记得我了，我便提醒她说：“你还记得初中时候，因为和你在小树林亲嘴被处分的那个男生吗？”她小脸一红，有些激动的说：“难道你就是当时那个……”我惭愧一笑：“没错，我就是当时告密的那个人！”
89. I bumped into a female classmate from junior high at a restaurant, but she didn’t remember me. So I reminded her, “Do you remember the boy who was punished for kissing you in the woods during junior high?” Her face turned red, and she excitedly said, “Are you the one…?” I smiled shamefully, “Yes, I’m the one who reported it!”
90、刚刚被吵醒，就听见小区里有个男人大喊：打死，打死，往死打，反了，反了。这是要出大事的节奏啊!看看怎么回事，我赶紧起床，跑到窗前……我去，一个男人指挥媳妇倒车呢！
90. Just woke up from the noise and heard a man in the community shouting: “Beat it, beat it, hit it hard, it’s rebelling, it’s rebelling!” Thinking something big is happening! I quickly got up, ran to the window… Oh my, it was a man directing his wife to reverse the car!
91、我对象很好，象对我也很好，而且我对马，兔子，狗都很好。
91. My partner is great, and so are elephants, horses, rabbits, and dogs.
92、男女调情的时候，诞生了最具特色的汉字：凹凸。
92. When men and women flirt, the most distinctive Chinese character is born: “concave-convex.”
93、早知道他不是好东西，就是忘了说了。
93. I knew he was no good, but I forgot to say it.
94、男人靠征服世界来征服女人！女人靠征服男人来征服世界！
94. Men conquer the world to conquer women! Women conquer men to conquer the world!
95、这个世界不公平就在于：上帝说：“我要光！”于是有了白天。美女说：“我要钻戒！”于是她有了钻戒。富豪说：“我要女人！”于是他有了女人。我说：“我要洗澡！”居然停水了。
95. The unfairness of this world is: God says, “I want light!” and there is day. A beauty says, “I want a diamond ring!” and she gets it. A tycoon says, “I want a woman!” and he gets her. I say, “I want to take a bath!” and there’s a water outage.
96、自从我变成了狗屎，就再也没人踩到我头上。
96. Ever since I became dog feces, no one has stepped on my head.
97、老板，来一碗泪流满面。
97. Boss, give me a bowl of tears.
98、有钱的人怕别人知道他有钱，没钱的人怕别人知道他没钱。
98. Rich people fear others knowing they have money, while poor people fear others knowing they have no money.
99、广告就是告诉别人，他的钱还可以这么花。
99. Advertising is telling others how their money can be spent this way.
100、让暴风雨来得更猛烈些吧，反正我是卖伞的！
100. Let the storm come even more fiercely, I’m selling umbrellas anyway!
1、一个小伙子在我们家装电脑时问我外婆有没有猫，外婆说装电脑还需要猫啊，一转眼一只打哈的小黄猫被抱了过来，我傻眼了。
1. A young man asked my grandmother if she had a cat while installing a computer at our house. She said, “Do I need a cat to install a computer?” In a blink of an eye, a sleepy little yellow cat was brought over, and I was stunned.
2、早上，我把烟盒一丢然后宣布我决定开始戒烟！然后，然后同事就丢了根烟过来：“借什么借，没烟就拿我的，我这有！”
2. In the morning, I threw away the cigarette pack and announced my decision to quit smoking! Then, a colleague threw a cigarette at me: “What are you borrowing? If you don’t have a cigarette, just take mine, I have some!”
3、老爸开始玩微信了，于是乎，我冒充陌生人加了他，想忽悠忽悠老爸。今天，他开始跟我聊他有一个不争气的儿子。哎，说多了都是泪啊！
3. My dad started using WeChat, so I pretended to be a stranger and added him, trying to fool him. Today, he started chatting with me about his disappointing son. Sigh, it’s all tears!
4、上学的时候有次要请假，苦思冥想怎么都想不到理由。后来打了个电话给班主任直接说太久没吃肉了，要请假吃肉。班主任居然批了， 并说我也是啊，能不能带上我？
4. When I was in school, I wanted to take a leave but couldn’t think of a reason. I called the headteacher and said I hadn’t eaten meat for too long and wanted to take a leave for meat. The headteacher actually approved it and said, “I feel the same way, can I join you?”
5、二货问我：“动手术和动感情有什么共同点? ”估计二货考我了。哈，如此简单同一个“动”字啊！我得意地回答。万万没想到，旁边的妹子鄙视的眼彪过来：“你是不是太不开窍了？全世界的人都知道，都要上床啊”！
5. A fool asked me, “What do surgery and emotions have in common?” I thought he was testing me. Ha, it’s so simple, the same character “dong”! I proudly answered. Unexpectedly, the girl next to me looked at me with disdain: “Are you too clueless? Everyone in the world knows, they both need to go to bed!”
6、本人妹纸一枚，早上从洗手间粗来，刚进门打了个嗝。领导诡异的笑着说：“偷吃什么了，都打嗝了。”我…..全办公室都在看我，我要不要解释下？
6. I’m a girl, and I just came out of the restroom and burped as soon as I entered the office. The leader said with a weird smile, “What have you been eating secretly, you even burped.” I… the whole office is looking at me, should I explain?
7、昨晚，一闺蜜过生日在KTV唱歌，看见有一陌生帅哥，闺蜜说来晚了要罚酒，lz弱弱的说打不开呀，（易拉罐装的那种）本想借此机会搭讪帅哥，谁知二货闺蜜一把抢过说:看我的……看…看你妹啊，姐们儿，你现在还觉得我单身跟你没关系嘛……
7. Last night, a close friend had a birthday party at a KTV. I saw a handsome stranger, and my friend said that since he arrived late, he should be punished with a drink. I weakly said I couldn’t open it (it was a can). I wanted to take this opportunity to strike up a conversation with the handsome guy, but my idiot friend snatched it away and said, “Watch me… watch your sister!” My friend, do you still think my being single has nothing to do with you?
8、我这条命可以说是我老婆给的，当年我们俩个去游泳，泳池里只有我们俩个人。我溺水了，虽说水深只到我头发的位置，但我还是溺水了。正当我无力蹦起来呼吸空气快要死掉的时候，她从泳池里爬了出去。水位便降到我脖子处了。
8. My life can be said to be given by my wife. Back then, when we went swimming, there were only the two of us in the pool. I got into trouble in the water, even though it was only up to my hair. Just as I was running out of strength to jump up and breathe, she climbed out of the pool. The water level dropped to my neck.
9、“亲爱的，给我打一千九百九十块钱好不好？”“可是，我们才刚在一起不久……”“哼，难道你以为我是那种骗男人钱的女人吗？”“没，没……好啦我给你，为什么不要两千呢？”“我又不是傻逼，两千就可以立案了。”
9. “Honey, can you give me 1990 yuan?” “But, we’ve only been together for a short while…” “Hmph, do you think I’m the kind of woman who swindles men out of their money?” “No, no… alright, I’ll give it to you. Why not 2000 yuan?” “I’m not a fool, 2000 yuan is enough to file a case.”
10、同事骑车撞了辆宝马，有一点刮花，不是很严重，车主是个40多岁的胖女人…同事好说歹说，那车主的态度有点软化了。然后那二货说了句“您宰相肚里能撑船…”结果那胖女人对着他的脸喷了整整20分钟的口水，最后还要赔钱…
10. A colleague rode a bike and scratched a BMW, not very seriously. The car owner was a 40-year-old fat woman. After my colleague pleaded and explained, the woman’s attitude softened a bit. Then the idiot said, “You have a big heart like a prime minister.” As a result, the fat woman sprayed saliva on his face for 20 minutes and demanded compensation in the end.
11、女友：“我们以后生三个孩子吧。”男友：“唉，两个就足够了。”女友：“三个！”男友：“不行，两个！”女友：“我说三个就三个！”男友：“生完第二个我就结扎！”女友：“好吧，希望你同样爱第三个孩子！
11. Girlfriend: “Let’s have three children in the future.” Boyfriend: “Two is enough.” Girlfriend: “Three!” Boyfriend: “No, two!” Girlfriend: “I said three!” Boyfriend: “I’ll get a vasectomy after the second child!” Girlfriend: “Alright, I hope you love the third child just the same!”
12、昨天跟朋友去买腰带，他看上了一款180的！就问老板:老板！这皮带多少钱？老板:180！朋友:30卖不卖？我还没来得及震惊，老板就喊了句:成交！朋友：玛德，又买贵了…尼玛，我彻底凌乱了……
12. Yesterday, I went to buy a belt with a friend. He liked one that cost 180 yuan. He asked the boss, “Boss, how much is this belt?” The boss replied, “180 yuan!” My friend said, “How about 30 yuan?” Before I could be shocked, the boss shouted, “Deal!” My friend complained, “Damn it, I bought it too expensive again…” I was completely confused…
13、叔叔家有爱玩电脑的二年级小表弟一枚、不爱学习、数学奇差、于是乎叔叔就把电脑的开机密码改成了一道一道数学题的答案。每天写在一张纸上放在电脑前、数月以后表弟数学竟然考了97分。叔叔甚屌…
13. My uncle has a second-grade cousin who loves playing computer games and hates studying. His math is terrible, so my uncle changed the computer’s password to the answers of math problems. He wrote the problems on a piece of paper and placed it in front of the computer. After a few months, the cousin scored 97 points in math. My uncle is so awesome…
14、早上打车，司机师傅接了老婆个电话：“喂！什么？血糖又高了？打胰岛素了么？要不等会我，转院吧。”接完跟我聊：“唉，有啥别有病啊，你说我们家那只猫，三天两头的病，仨月花了我两万了。”然后我就瞬间和没来的小伙伴一起惊呆了。
14. This morning, I took a taxi, and the driver received a call from his wife: “Hey! Your blood sugar is high again? Have you taken insulin? How about waiting for me and transferring to another hospital?” After hanging up, he chatted with me: “Having any illness is bad. Take our cat, for example, it’s sick every now and then, and I’ve spent 20,000 yuan in three months.” Then my friend and I were both stunned.
15、今天有两个同事打起来了。起先他们聊得挺开心的，后来，A同事愤愤的说:“昨天到半夜隔壁还在鬼叫，我过去臭骂了他们一顿!”“哦？”B同事正忙，停顿了一会问:“你骂了隔壁?”A同事没回答，B同事又追问:“我说你骂隔壁啊?”A同事听完拍案而起:“你妈个逼!”然后他们就扭打在了一起。
15. Today, two colleagues started fighting. They were chatting happily at first, but then colleague A angrily said, “Last night, the neighbors were making noise until midnight, and I went over and scolded them!” Colleague B was busy and paused for a moment, asking, “You scolded the neighbors?” Colleague A didn’t answer, and B asked again, “I said, did you scold the neighbors?” After hearing this, colleague A slammed the table and stood up, “Your mother’s…” Then they started fighting.
16、自从他在微博上公开自己是gay后，有个男的就对他死缠烂打，不管他移粉多少次对方都立马换个小号继续关注他，他烦不胜烦直接告诉对方他有喜欢的人，那人不信，他便发他和男神的合照过去，一阵沉默后，下铺突然用力踹了他的床板“草！你早说你喜欢老子会死啊，你造老子刚有多难过吗！”
16. Ever since he openly admitted on Weibo that he was gay, a man has been relentlessly pursuing him. No matter how many times he unfollowed and blocked the person, the man would immediately follow him with a new account. He was so annoyed that he directly told the person he had a crush, but the man didn’t believe him. So he sent a photo of himself with his crush, and after a moment of silence, his roommate kicked his bed and shouted, “Damn it! Why didn’t you say you liked me earlier? Do you know how upset I was?”
17、一个苦者对禅师说：“我放不下一些事，放不下一些人。”禅师说：“没有什么东西是真正放不下的。”苦者说：“可我就偏偏放不下。”禅师让他拿着一个茶杯，然后就往里面倒热水，一直倒到水溢出来。苦者被烫到马上松开了手。禅师说：“其实，这个世界上没有什么事是放不下的，痛了，你自然就会放下。”苦者马上把禅师按在地上一顿猛打：“烫死我了！草尼玛的！让你烫我！
17. A person in distress said to a Zen master, “I can’t let go of some things and some people.” The Zen master replied, “There is nothing in this world that you truly cannot let go of.” The person insisted, “But I just can’t let go.” The Zen master had him hold a teacup and then poured hot water into it until it overflowed. The person immediately let go of the cup when he felt the heat. The Zen master said, “In fact, there is nothing in this world that you cannot let go of. When it hurts, you will naturally let go.” The person then started beating the Zen master on the ground: “You burned me! Damn it! Why did you do that?”
18、朋友胖子一枚，有次去幼儿园给他女儿开家长会在，都是坐的那种塑料的小凳子，没想到，他一屁股把他女儿的喜羊羊小凳子给坐扁了，他那个尴尬啊，他女儿哭的老伤心了。幸亏一个小男孩拿出了他的熊大小凳子，不过在他坐下的一瞬间小男孩后悔了。
18. A friend of mine is a bit chubby. One day, he went to his daughter’s kindergarten for a parent-teacher meeting, where everyone was sitting on small plastic stools. Unexpectedly, he sat on his daughter’s stool featuring a sheep character and crushed it flat. He was so embarrassed, and his daughter cried her heart out. Fortunately, a little boy offered his bear-shaped stool, but as soon as my friend sat down, the boy regretted it.
19、初中有两个男生，玩得很开长得也帅，一天182把176公主抱起来，然后作势要吻，176也很配合闭上眼，然后………..就真亲上了，182迅速放手，176快速跳落二人以迅雷不及掩耳的飞速弹开，到班上对角线的两个角缩起来拼命擦嘴，然后指着对方怒吼说:“你丫为什么不躲！”然后震惊又同步吼:“我以为你会躲！真亲阿
19. In junior high school, there were two handsome guys who were very close friends. One day, the taller one (182 cm) picked up the shorter one (176 cm) in a princess carry and pretended to kiss him. The shorter one cooperated by closing his eyes, and then… they actually kissed. The taller one quickly put him down, and the shorter one jumped off. They both retreated to opposite corners of the classroom, frantically wiping their mouths, and then angrily shouted at each other: “Why didn’t you dodge?” They were shocked and said in unison: “I thought you would dodge! We really kissed!”
20、公司发工资都是现金，昨天刚发工资揣裤兜里挤公交回家发现钱没了，我们家老佛爷对此事是这样评价的：“你快三十岁的人了，一个月的工资能轻松揣裤兜里被别人拿走都没感觉还好意思报警。”
20. My company pays salaries in cash. Yesterday, I just received my salary and put it in my pocket to take the bus home, only to find the money gone. My mother commented on this: “You’re almost thirty years old, and you let someone take your entire monthly salary from your pocket without even noticing. How can you have the nerve to report it?”
21、“哥哥，拜托你个事。”哥哥疑惑的被妹妹拉进屋里。妹妹红着脸说：“哥把这情书帮我给你同桌吧。”第二天早上到了学校，哥哥把粉红色的信给了同桌，上课的时候课桌下的手被拉住了。哥哥惊愕的看向同桌，同桌红着脸，小声说：“其实我也喜欢你。”
21. “Brother, please help me with something.” The brother, puzzled, was pulled into the room by his sister. She blushed and said, “Please give this love letter to my classmate for me.” The next morning at school, the brother handed the pink letter to his deskmate. During class, his deskmate held his hand under the table. The deskmate blushed and whispered, “Actually, I like you too.”
22、某男同学在上课时间用手指抠鼻，老师看见了，拿了根粉笔扔到他头上，说：上课不准用手指抠鼻。他看了看老师，又看了看粉笔，好像明白什么似的，拿起粉笔往自己的鼻孔挖。
22. A male student was picking his nose with his finger during class. The teacher saw this, threw a piece of chalk at his head, and said, “Don’t pick your nose with your finger during class.” The student looked at the teacher and then at the chalk, as if he understood something. He picked up the chalk and used it to pick his nose.
23、今天吃饭的时候我妈盯着我说：你单眼皮太丑了，走我带你去割个双眼皮。我努力挤出个双眼皮后，妈认真的盯着我说：算了，你割不割也就那样吧…妈，你伤害我了，你知道吗？
23. Today, while having dinner, my mom stared at me and said, “Your single eyelids are so ugly. Let’s go get you double eyelids.” I tried hard to create a double eyelid, but after looking at me seriously, my mom said, “Forget it, whether you get double eyelids or not, you’ll still be the same… Mom, do you know you hurt me?
24、男人的一生都在受睡觉的煎熬，1岁晚上不睡觉惹妈妈不高兴；10岁上课睡觉惹老师不高兴；20岁和女孩开房睡觉惹家里不高兴；30岁没房在父母家睡觉惹老婆不高兴；40岁累得回家就睡觉惹老婆不高兴；50岁晚上不回家睡觉惹老婆不高兴；60岁大清早不睡觉惹孩子不高兴；70岁天天在病房里睡觉惹全家都不高兴。
24. A man’s life is filled with sleep-related torments: at 1 year old, not sleeping at night upsets his mother; at 10 years old, sleeping in class upsets his teacher; at 20 years old, sleeping with a girl in a hotel upsets his family; at 30 years old, having no house and sleeping at his parents’ place upsets his wife; at 40 years old, being too tired to do anything but sleep at home upsets his wife; at 50 years old, not coming home at night and sleeping somewhere else upsets his wife; at 60 years old, not being able to sleep early in the morning upsets his children; at 70 years old, sleeping in the hospital every day upsets his whole family.
25、二智：“经理，305包房唱歌的客人都跑掉了，您看该怎么处理？”经理：“你有病啊？我们又不是音乐学院，客人唱歌跑调关我们什么事？”
25. Er Zhi: “Manager, the guests singing in room 305 have all run away. What do you think we should do?” Manager: “Are you crazy? We’re not a music school. What does it matter to us if our guests sing off-key?”
26、我爱了她5年，而她爱着前任5年，最后分手，我问她你那么爱他，现在分手你相信爱情吗？她说只要我还活着，我就相信，即使不能跟喜欢的人在一起，但我始终是爱情让更多人的存在变得有意义。于是我问她愿意跟我一起相信爱情吗？她说：我相信爱情，但是不愿意跟你一起相信，因为我们根本不合适，你太丑了。
26. I loved her for 5 years, while she loved her ex for 5 years. After breaking up, I asked her if she still believed in love since she loved him so much. She said as long as she was alive, she would believe in love because even if she couldn’t be with the person she loved, love still made the existence of more people meaningful. So I asked her if she would believe in love with me. She said she believed in love but not with me because we were simply not suitable, and I was too ugly.
27、女神是个吃货，为了追求女神我苦练厨艺，终于打动了女神的芳心。她尝过我做的饭菜后喜笑颜开，有点不好意思的问我：可以一辈子都吃你做的菜吗？我忙不迭的点头：当然可以。女神很开心的打了个电话，一会儿工夫，她男朋友就带着一纸终生私人厨师的合同来了。
27. The goddess is a foodie. In order to pursue her, I diligently practiced my cooking skills and finally won her heart. After tasting my dishes, she smiled and asked me a little embarrassed, “Can I eat your cooking for the rest of my life?” I quickly nodded, “Of course you can.” The goddess happily made a phone call, and soon her boyfriend arrived with a lifetime private chef contract.
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