1.你脑子空不要紧，关键是不要进水。
1. It doesn’t matter if your head is empty, the key is not to let water in.
2.我空有一身泡妞本事，可惜自己是个妞。
2. I have all the skills to flirt, but unfortunately, I’m a girl myself.
3.大脑是最高贵的器官——因为是大脑告诉你的。
3. The brain is the most noble organ – because it’s the brain that tells you so.
4.你瘦的时候你在我心里，后来胖了、卡在里面出不来了 。
4. When you were thin, you were in my heart; then you got fat and got stuck in there.
5.光头强，我教你砍树，你教我怎么坚强。
5. Gang Tiedong, I’ll teach you how to chop trees, and you teach me how to be strong.
6.一断网，我就感觉自己成了山顶洞人……
6. As soon as the internet is down, I feel like a caveman on the mountain…
7.我要给未来对象的妈一个差评，发货太慢，到现在还没收到人儿。。。
7. I want to give my future partner’s mom a negative review for shipping too slowly; I still haven’t received the person.
8.我坚信我的成绩不代表我的智商
8. I firmly believe that my grades do not represent my intelligence.
9.鼠妹鼠妹你告诉我 咱家大米饭被谁偷吃了
9. Mouse sister, tell me who stole our family’s rice?
10.每天早上醒来发型都帅呆了,不是赛亚人就是奥特曼.
10. Every morning when I wake up, my hairstyle is amazing, either like a Saiyan or Ultraman.
11.体育老师说：谁敢穿裙子上我的课，就罚她倒立！
11. The PE teacher said: Whoever dares to wear a skirt in my class will be punished by standing on their hands!
12.天凉了、大家出门别忘了披件袈裟！
12. It’s getting cold, don’t forget to wear a cassock when going out!
13.在认真发胖这件事上从没让人失望过
13. I’ve never disappointed anyone in the matter of gaining weight seriously.
14.上帝啊，你去问问丘比特是不是把我的箭玩断了？
14. God, go ask Cupid if he broke my arrow while playing with it?
15.别人都是手牵手，我却手里牵条狗，走一走，瞅一瞅，看谁不爽咬两口。
15. Others hold hands, but I hold a dog leash, walking around and biting whoever I don’t like.
16.我在减肥,我既不节食也不运动,我用的是意念,我会瘦。
16. I’m on a diet; I neither diet nor exercise. I use my willpower, and I’ll become thin.
17.我想有人掩护我去麦当劳偷番茄酱的时候你在哪里
17. I wish someone could cover for me when I sneak into McDonald’s to steal ketchup.
18.长相分两种 一种是好看的 一种是难看的 你是属于中间的 好难看的.
18. There are two types of looks: good-looking and ugly. You belong to the in-between, which is terribly unattractive.
19.锄禾当午，上课真辛苦，一本小破书，一看一上午。
19. Hoeing the field at noon, classes are really tiring. A small, broken book takes up the whole morning.
20.朋友说：你总躺着累不累啊！我说：就算累死也愿意躺着
20. My friend said: Aren’t you tired of lying down all the time? I replied: I’d rather die tired than not lie down.
21.“老公我手机掉厕所了怎么办？” 老公回到：“是屎在给我发信息吗？” 。。。。。
21. “My husband, my phone fell into the toilet, what should I do?” The husband replies, “Is it poop texting me?”
22.闹钟叫醒了我的身体，却叫不醒我沉睡的心。
22. The alarm clock wakes up my body, but it can’t wake up my dormant heart.
23.人生如梦，我总失眠；人生如戏，我总穿帮；人生如歌，我总跑调；人生如战场，我总走火。
23. Life is like a dream, and I always have insomnia; life is like a play, and I always slip up; life is like a song, and I always go off-key; life is like a battlefield, and I always misfire.
24.踩到香蕉皮摔倒了，一定要爬起来继续踩，踩烂掉它就不滑了。
24. If you slip on a banana peel, make sure to get up and keep stepping on it until it’s crushed and no longer slippery.
25.请大声朗读：卧梅又闻花，卧枝伤恨低。邀闻卧石碎，卧湿达春绿。
25. Please read the following lines aloud: A plum blossom lies in the snow, its branches wounded and low. I invite you to hear the shattered stone, as the wetness brings spring’s green glow.
26.我们中国树木资源这么少，就是因为试卷太多，没有买卖，就没有杀害！
26. The reason why we have so few trees in China is because there are too many exam papers. No buying, no killing!
27.我辛辛苦苦算出答案是，可选项上却没有……
27. I worked hard to calculate the answer, but it wasn’t listed in the options…
28.上联：学生证准考证身份证证证没带，下联：听力题阅读题作文题题题不做。横批：重在参与！
28. Upper couplet: Student ID, exam ID, ID card, no ID brought; Lower couplet: Listening questions, reading questions, essay questions, no questions attempted. Horizontal scroll: Participation is the key!
29.在抄同学作业，同学叮嘱，千万不要让老师觉得你是抄的啊！我想了一想，在答案的后面写了一个“转”
29. While copying a classmate’s homework, the classmate warned, “Don’t let the teacher think you’re copying!” I thought for a moment and added the word “forward” after the answer.
30.考完试。A“数学卷背面的题真难！”B“啥？背面还有题？”C“啥？刚才考的是数学？”
30. After the exam. A: “The questions on the back of the math paper are really difficult!” B: “What? There are questions on the back?” C: “What? Was the exam for math just now?”
31.每次抓到吸血的蚊子，我会对它进行思想教育，告诉它再也不能这样子干了，最后再一巴掌拍下去。
31. Every time I catch a blood-sucking mosquito, I give it a lecture on morality, telling it never to do this again, and then I slap it dead.
32.每次我买饮料都是谢谢惠顾，一天我考试突然惠字不会写了，我就把旁边的饮料打开，当时我疯了，居然中奖了
32. Every time I buy a drink, I get a “Thank you for your patronage” message. One day, during an exam, I suddenly couldn’t write the character “Hui” (patronage), so I opened the drink next to me, and I went crazy when I found out I had won a prize.
33.下班都坐公交回家，某天着急回家便去打车。上车后司机热情的问“听歌吗？”“听！”然后司机给我唱了一路~
33. I usually take the bus home from work, but one day I was in a hurry and took a taxi. After getting in, the driver asked enthusiastically, “Would you like to listen to some music?” “Yes!” I replied, and then the driver sang for me the whole way.
2.不要乐观的像个屁一样，自以为能惊天动地。
2. Don’t be so optimistic like a fart, thinking you can shake the heavens and move the earth.
3.步步高打火机，哪里不会点哪里。
3. Step-by-step, the higher you go, the lighter it gets. Wherever you don’t understand, just point and light it up.
4.男人不能惯，越惯越混蛋。女人就得宠，越宠越有种，还是别人的。
4. Men shouldn’t be spoiled, the more you spoil them, the more they become jerks. Women should be pampered, the more you pamper them, the more they become someone special, but still belong to others.
5.穿的一个比一个危险，长得一个比一个安全
5. The way they dress is more and more dangerous, but the way they look is safer and safer.
6.春色满园关不住，我诱红杏出墙来。
6. The spring scenery in the garden cannot be contained; I lure the red apricot out of the wall.
7.到处都有痛苦，而比痛苦更为持久且尖利伤人的是，到处都有抱有期望的等待。
7. There is pain everywhere, but what is more enduring and sharp than pain is the expectation-filled waiting found everywhere.
8.和你擦肩而过你却不知道是我，因为我把头扭过去了。
8. I passed by you without you realizing it’s me, because I turned my head away.
9.即使有人骂我神经病，我也会坚强的抬起头蔑视的对他说“你难道和我一个医院的?
9. Even if someone calls me crazy, I will raise my head strong and disdainfully say to them, “Are you from the same hospital as me?”
10.戒烟容易，戒你太难!
10. Quitting smoking is easy, but quitting you is too hard!
11.考试时，本想要咸鱼翻锅的，他奶奶的，没想到粘锅了。
11. During the exam, I wanted to turn the tide, but damn it, I ended up sticking to the pan.
12.没有人在世界上能够“弃”你，除非你自己自暴自弃。因为我们是属于自己的，并不属于他人。
12. No one in the world can “abandon” you unless you give up on yourself. Because we belong to ourselves, not to others.
13.从前有人在我空间里跑堂，不到两秒钟，嘎的一下就死了。
13. Once, someone ran through my space, and in less than two seconds, they suddenly died.
14.大部分人一辈子只做三件事：自欺、欺人被人欺。
14. Most people do three things in their lives: deceive themselves, deceive others, and be deceived by others.
15.你的年龄有多大，我不关心。我想知道，为了爱，为了梦，为了生机勃勃的奇遇，你是否愿意像傻瓜一样冒险?
15. I don’t care how old you are. I want to know, for love, for dreams, for vibrant adventures, are you willing to take risks like a fool?
16.顾客不是上帝，顾客只是上当。
16. Customers are not God; customers are just being deceived.
17.人间正道是沧桑，活的不要太嚣张。
17. The right path in life is full of hardships; don’t live too arrogantly.
18.如果你年轻却不激进，那么你就是个没心的人，如果你老了却不保守，那么你就是个没脑的人。
18. If you are young and not radical, you are heartless; if you are old and not conservative, you are brainless.
19.如今这社会，女的照相照胸，男的照相照车谁知道胸是不是挤的，车是不是你的。
19. Nowadays, women take photos of their chests, and men take photos of their cars. Who knows if the chest is squeezed or if the car is yours.
20.你肺活量是多少啊，能把牛B吹的这么大。
20. How much lung capacity do you have to blow such a big牛皮 (bullshit)?
21.本无意与众不同，怎奈何品味出众。
21. I didn’t intend to be different, but my taste is outstanding.
22.闭上眼睛，我看到了我的前途。
22. With my eyes closed, I see my future.
23.不怕虎一样的敌人，就怕猪一样的队友!
23. I’m not afraid of enemies like tigers; I’m afraid of teammates like pigs!
24.出生时你哭着，所有都笑着，离去时你笑着，所有都哭着。
24. When you are born, you cry while everyone else laughs. When you leave, you laugh while everyone else cries.
25.穿别人的鞋，走自己的路，让他们打的找去吧。
25. Wear other people’s shoes and walk your own path, let them search for you.
26.多多关注三峡在线，便可分享更多经典盘点。
26. Pay more attention to Three Gorges Online to share more classic reviews.
27.路见不平一声吼，吼完继续往前走。
27. If you see injustice, shout out, and then continue to move forward.
28.你那么喜欢劈腿，怎么不去跳芭蕾舞。
28. You like cheating so much, why don’t you go dance ballet?
29.蓦然回首，你咋还没走。
29. Suddenly looking back, why haven’t you left yet?
30.恶人从不搞笑，恶人要抓紧时间做恶。
30. Evil people never make jokes; they need to seize time to do evil.
31.恶人说：再说俺是恶人，俺就害死你!
31. The evil person says: If you call me an evil person again, I will harm you!
32.被傻子喜欢也是总炫耀。
32. Being liked by a fool is also something to show off.
33.似花似水似你妈，倾国倾城倾你爸。
33. Like a flower, like water, like your mom, charming your father.
34.我厌恶骨子里的优柔寡断。
34. I despise the indecision in my bones.
35.私奔的缩写是SB，AV在键盘后面跟的还是SB。
35. The abbreviation for eloping is SB, and AV followed by SB on the keyboard.
36.今天吃饭前照常看了一下菜，天啊！今天没有肉。
36. Today, before eating, I checked the dishes as usual. Oh my god! There’s no meat today.
37.我算不算个性，当然。
37. Am I unique? Of course.
38.你抓着你的鸡爪指着我干嘛知不知道我喜欢泡椒味的不喜欢人渣味的。
38. Why are you pointing at me with your chicken claws? Don’t you know I like the taste of pickled pepper, not the taste of scum.
39.上学最开心听到的一句话就是：今天班主任不在。
39. The happiest thing to hear at school is: The headteacher is not here today.
40.每次你说我不够独立的时候、我都选择沉默。我很想告诉你、当我不再依赖你、就是你该滚的时候了。
40. Every time you say I’m not independent enough, I choose to be silent. I really want to tell you that when I no longer rely on you, it’s time for you to leave.
41.男人最大的本事，就是把自己的女朋友放纵到别的男人都受不了。
41. A man’s greatest skill is to indulge his girlfriend so much that no other man can stand her.
42.别要不要分白天黑夜的在我面前犯贱。
42. Don’t be shameless in front of me, day or night.
43.生活就像新闻联播，不是换台就能逃避的了的。
43. Life is like the news broadcast, you can’t escape by just changing the channel.
44.我是个特别的人，我是个平凡的人，所以我是个特别平凡的人。
44. I am a special person, I am an ordinary person, so I am a particularly ordinary person.
45.妈妈说：就算吃醋也要装的跟喝了酱油似的，不能让别人瞧不起。
45. Mom said: Even if you are jealous, you should act like you drank soy sauce, so that others won’t look down on you.
46.对于姑娘来说：出来混，迟早是要怀的。
46. For girls: When you come out to play, sooner or later, you will get pregnant.
47.天涯何处无牛粪，何必单恋一坨屎。
47. Wherever there is cow dung in the world, why be infatuated with a single turd?
48.如果有一天全世界的男人来月经了，我会去卖卫生经。
48. If one day all the men in the world get menstruation, I will sell sanitary pads.
49.以后不要在我面前说英文，OK？
49. Don’t speak English in front of me from now on, OK?
50.如果男人不帮你穿上婚纱，你就送他件袈裟。
50. If a man doesn’t help you put on your wedding dress, just give him a kasaya (Buddhist monk’s robe).
51.你玩你的自定义、我玩我的格式化。
51. You play your customization, I play my formatting.
52.小姐，对不起，我长得不帅。但不是每个女人都有机会。
52. Miss, I’m sorry, I’m not handsome. But not every woman has the chance.
53.不是哥迷恋传说，只是传说太美。
53. It’s not that I’m infatuated with legends, it’s just that the legends are too beautiful.
54.心狠手辣的我，舔了一下自己的手指，被辣哭了。
54. I, who is ruthless and merciless, licked my own finger and cried because it was spicy.
55.老师的教诲，小明没齿难忘，于是第二天，他镶了一副假牙。
55. Teacher’s teachings, Xiao Ming never forgets, so the next day, he got a pair of dentures.
56.愚公临死前，把儿子叫到床前。愚公：移山移山!儿子：亮晶晶?愚公猝
56. Before Yu Gong died, he called his son to his bedside. Yu Gong: Move the mountain, move the mountain! Son: Twinkle, twinkle? Yu Gong passed away.
57.如果考试用QB做奖励，那么国家马上就会富强的。
57. If exams used QB (Q币, a virtual currency in China) as rewards, the country would become strong and prosperous immediately.
58.今天天气很好，在房间里宅久了，准备去客厅散散心。
58. The weather is very nice today. After staying in the room for a long time, I’m going to the living room to relax.
59.提问：为什么暑假一定比寒假长?回答：因为热胀冷缩。
59. Question: Why is summer vacation always longer than winter vacation? Answer: Because of thermal expansion and contraction.
60.心情不好的时候，我就半夜给别人打骚扰电话，把他们吵醒了，我就睡觉。
60. When I’m in a bad mood, I call others in the middle of the night to disturb them, and when they wake up, I go to sleep.
61.人干点好事儿总想让鬼神知道，干点坏事儿总以为鬼神不知道，我们太让鬼为难了。
61. People always want gods to know when they do good deeds, but they think gods don’t know when they do bad things. We’re making it too difficult for the gods.
62.人不犯我，我不犯人；人若犯我，礼让三分；人再犯我，我还一针；人还犯我，斩草除根。
62. If people don’t offend me, I won’t offend them; if they do, I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt; if they continue, I’ll retaliate; if they still offend me, I’ll eliminate them completely.
63.我这人从不记仇，一般有仇我当场就报了。
63. I never hold grudges, I usually take revenge on the spot.
64.每个人出生的时候都是原创，很可惜，很多人渐渐成了盗版。
64. Every person is original when they are born, but unfortunately, many people gradually become counterfeit.
65.一天没带眼镜逛街，看到一个既帅气又熟悉的人。想过去看看到底是谁。原来是一面镜子。
65. One day, I went shopping without my glasses and saw someone who was both handsome and familiar. I wanted to see who it was, but it turned out to be a mirror.
66.对着电脑唱忐忑，唱完后，死机了。
66. I sang “Tantrum” (a popular Chinese song) to the computer, and after finishing, it crashed.
67.想死，买了瓶农药，盖子上写——再来一瓶。
67. I wanted to die, so I bought a bottle of pesticide, and the cap said: “One more bottle for free.”
68.鸵鸟的幸福，只是一堆沙子。
68. The happiness of an ostrich is just a pile of sand.
69.一觉醒来，天都黑了。
69. Upon waking up, it’s already dark outside.
70.为什么一看书，就困呢？因为书，是梦开始的地方。
70. Why does one feel sleepy when reading? Because books are where dreams begin.
71.你若军训，便是晴天。你若放假，便是雨天。你若发奋写作业，便是开学前一天！
71. If you go through military training, it’s always sunny. If you have a vacation, it rains. If you work hard on homework, it’s always the day before school starts.
72.老师总是叫我们不要说谎，一到上面来检查时就教我们说谎。
72. Teachers always tell us not to lie, but when someone from higher up comes to inspect, they teach us to lie.
73.如果我是僵尸，我一定择吃掉所有好学生的脑。
73. If I were a zombie, I would definitely choose to eat the brains of all the good students.
74.这个夏天出门就是进烤箱、走路就是麻辣烫、坐下就是铁板烧、还是别下雨了、下雨就成水煮鱼。
74. Going out in the summer is like entering an oven, walking is like eating spicy hot pot, sitting down is like having an iron plate barbecue, so it’s better not to rain, or else we’ll become boiled fish.
75.如果逃避就能不去面对的话，请送我一双溜冰鞋，让我跑的更快。
75. If escaping could help avoid facing things, please give me a pair of roller skates to run faster.
76.每一个长期减肥未成功的女子，身边都有一个多年增肥无效的闺蜜。
76. Every woman who has failed to lose weight for a long time has a close friend who has been trying to gain weight for years without success.
77.帅多好啊!有士陪，有相日!有马骑，有车坐。还有兵保护。
77. How great it is to be handsome! With company from soldiers, enjoyment of scenery, riding horses, and riding in carriages. Plus, having soldiers to protect you.
78.自从人晒黑了，脸色好看了，牙齿变白了，喝酒都不脸红了。
78. Ever since I got tanned, my complexion has improved, my teeth have become whiter, and I don’t even blush when drinking alcohol.
79.一直对发型不满意的人，有一个共同点：不肯承认这是脸的问题。
79. People who are never satisfied with their hairstyles have one thing in common: they refuse to admit that it’s a problem with their face.
80.永远都不要跟同一个傻子争辩，因为争辩到最后，会分不清谁是傻子。
80. Never argue with the same fool, because in the end, you won’t be able to tell who the fool is.
81.这个世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
81. In this world, I only trust two people: one is me, and the other is not you.
82.午夜12点准时下线!否则，公主就会变回灰姑娘。
82. Log off at midnight sharp! Otherwise, the princess will turn back into Cinderella.
83.不管多大岁数的人类成员，在钱面前，一概年轻。
83. Regardless of age, all human beings become young in the face of money.
84.鸭子太嚣张，兔子太多嘴，我是猪，我很乖。
84. Ducks are too arrogant, rabbits talk too much, I am a pig, and I am well-behaved.
85.如果考试用QB做奖励，那么国家马上就会富强的。
85. If exams used QB as a reward, the country would become strong and prosperous immediately.
86.大哥，把你脸上的分辨率调低点好吗？
86. Brother, could you please lower the resolution of your face?
87.天塌下来你顶着，我垫着！
87. If the sky falls, you hold it up, and I’ll cushion it!
88.“特别能吃苦”这个字，我想了想，我只做到了前四个。
88. “Especially able to endure hardship” – I’ve thought about it, and I’ve only managed to achieve the first four characters.
89.初恋无限好，只是挂得早。
89. First love is infinitely beautiful, but it just ends too soon.
90.敬告各位家长：请不要骂自己的孩子是“小兔崽子”，因为从遗传学的角度讲，这对你们自己是非常不利的。
90. A warning to all parents: Please do not call your own children “little rabbit brats,” because from a genetic perspective, this is very unfavorable to you.
91.谁骂我傻B我跟谁好，我就喜欢和B交朋友。
91. Whoever calls me a fool, I will be friends with them; I just like making friends with fools.
92.世界上最远的距离不是你我天各一方，而是同窗不同房。
92. The farthest distance in the world is not that we are separated by the sky, but that we are in the same classroom but not in the same room.
93.因为我掏心掏肺的去爱你，所以我只能没心没肺的放弃你。
93. Because I loved you with all my heart, I can only give you up heartlessly.
94.过去一直喜欢她的胸怀宽广，其实那也无非是一片飞机场！
94. I used to like her broad-mindedness, but in fact, it was nothing more than an airport runway!
95.自从我变成了狗屎，就再也没有人踩在我头上了。
95. Ever since I became dog feces, no one has stepped on me anymore.
96.承诺，就像放屁，当时惊天动地，过后苍白无力。
96. Promises are like farts; they are earth-shattering at the time, but pale and powerless afterward.
97.不管多大岁数的人类成员，在钱面前，一概年轻。
97. Regardless of age, human beings are all young in the face of money.
98.鸭子太嚣张，兔子太多嘴，我是猪，我很乖。
98. Ducks are too arrogant, rabbits talk too much, I am a pig, and I am very well-behaved.
99.禽兽尚且有半点怜悯之心，而我一点也没有，所以我不是禽兽。
99. Even beasts have a bit of compassion, but I have none at all, so I am not a beast.
100.我家的金鱼今早淹死了。
100. My goldfish drowned this morning.
1.我不是优乐美，我只是敌敌畏，你想把我捧在手心么。
1. I am not a delightful person; I am just a pesticide. Do you want to hold me in the palm of your hand?
2.老板，有没有可乐？给我拿瓶雪碧……
2. Boss, do you have any cola? Give me a bottle of Sprite…
3.我觉得地球好危险，我想火星了。
3. I think Earth is dangerous; I miss Mars.
4.哪家的名门之后啊，你爹是天蓬元帅啊！
4. Whose prestigious descendant are you? Is your father Marshal Tian Peng?
5.水壶啊，你为什么哭泣，是因为屁股太烫了吗？
5. Kettle, why are you crying? Is it because your bottom is too hot?
6.风刮的真大，把我移动的手机信号都刮成联通的啦！
6. The wind is so strong that it has changed my mobile signal from Mobile to Unicom!
7.熬夜，是因为没有勇气结束这一天，赖床，是因为没有勇气开始这一天。
7. Staying up late is because I don’t have the courage to end the day, and staying in bed is because I don’t have the courage to start the day.
8.我不但手气好，脚气也不错。
8. Not only do I have good luck in my hands, but my feet are also quite lucky.
9.每次临时抱佛脚的时候，佛总是给我一脚。
9. Every time I seek Buddha’s help at the last minute, Buddha always kicks me.
10.他人笑我看不穿，我笑他人啥也不穿。
10. Others laugh that I cannot see through things, while I laugh that they are not wearing anything.
11.人如果靠吃饭活着，那饭不叫饭，叫饲料。
11. If people live by eating, that food is not called food, but called feed.
12.昨晚我拿你的承诺去喂狗，第二天早上发现狗死了。
12. Last night, I fed your promise to the dog, and the next morning I found the dog dead.
13.狐狸不是妖、性感不是骚。
13. A fox is not a demon, and sexiness is not coquetry.
14.各种姿势，各种招。各种澎湃，各种飘。
14. Various poses, various moves. Various passions, various floating.
15.喊疼的不一定是处女，但勾引男人的一定是婊子。
15. The one who cries out in pain is not necessarily a virgin, but the one who seduces men is definitely a slut.
16.女人混的好、是嫂子，混不好，是婊子。
16. A woman who gets ahead is a sister-in-law, while one who doesn’t is a prostitute.
17.小鸟虽小，可它玩的确是整个天空。
17. Though a little bird is small, it plays with the entire sky.
18.黄瓜必须拍，人生必须嗨。
18. Cucumbers must be smashed, and life must be lively.
19.爱情不过是寂寞时、扯把美丽的犊子。
19. Love is just a beautiful lie when one is lonely.
20.距离产生的不是美，而是第三者。
20. Distance does not create beauty, but rather a third party.
21.日照香芦升子烟，李白来到烤鸭店，口水直流三千尺，一模兜里没有钱。
21. The sun shines on the fragrant reed, and Li Bai arrives at the roast duck shop; his mouth waters for three thousand feet, but he has no money in his pocket.
22.我想当皇帝，怕罗嗦；想当官，怕事多；想吃饭，怕刷锅；真想揍你一顿，怕惹祸。
22. I want to be an emperor, but I’m afraid of nagging; I want to be an official, but I’m afraid of too much work; I want to eat, but I’m afraid of washing the pot; I really want to beat you up, but I’m afraid of causing trouble.
23.男人忽悠女人，叫调戏；女人忽悠男人，叫勾引；男女相互忽悠，叫爱情。
23. When a man deceives a woman, it’s called teasing; when a woman deceives a man, it’s called seducing; when men and women deceive each other, it’s called love.
24.人生没有彩排，每天都是直播；不仅收视率低，而且工资不高。
24. Life has no rehearsal, every day is a live broadcast; not only is the rating low, but the salary is also low.
25.哪里跌倒，哪里爬起。老是在那里跌倒，我怀疑那里有个坑！
25. If you fall, get up where you fell. If you always fall in the same place, I suspect there’s a pit there!
26.我不是广场上算卦的，唠不出那么多你爱听的嗑。
26. I’m not a fortune teller in the square, and I can’t talk as much as you like to hear.
27.坏人需要实力，败类更需要品位。
27. Bad people need strength, and the despicable ones need taste.
28.时间是用来流浪的，身躯是用来相爱的，生命是用来遗忘的，而灵魂，是用来歌唱的。
28. Time is for wandering, bodies are for loving, lives are for forgetting, and souls are for singing.
29.种草不让人去躺，不如改种仙人掌！
29. If you plant grass but don’t let people lie on it, you might as well plant cactus!
30.混社会是个体力活儿，讲究四门功课：闪转腾挪。
30. Mixing in society is a physical job, focusing on four skills: dodging, turning, leaping, and moving.
31.车道山前必有路，有路我也刹不住。
31. There must be a way when you reach the mountain road, but even if there is, I can’t stop.
32.在野外遇到蛇怎么办？不要惊慌，面带温润的笑容撑起一把伞，假装是许仙。
32. What to do if you encounter a snake in the wild? Don’t panic, put on a gentle smile, hold up an umbrella, and pretend to be Xu Xian.
33.昨天去市里参加放鸽子比赛，结果就我一个人去了。
33. Yesterday, I went to the city to participate in a pigeon-flying contest, but I was the only one who showed up.
34.吃，我所欲也，瘦，亦我所欲也，二者不可得兼，我了个去也。
34. Eating is what I desire, and so is being thin. Since I can’t have both, oh my!
35.别以为我长的帅就认为我遥不可及高不可攀，其实我是海纳百川啊。
35. Don’t think that just because I’m handsome, I’m unapproachable and unreachable. In fact, I’m as inclusive as the ocean.
36.有的人活着，她已经死了。有的人活着，他早该死了！
36. Some people are alive, but they’re already dead. Some people are alive, but they should have died long ago!
37.爱我，就给我穿上婚纱，然后再亲手扒光。
37. If you love me, put a wedding dress on me, and then take it off with your own hands.
38.避孕的效果：不成功，便成“人”。
38. The effectiveness of contraception: if not successful, it becomes a “person.”
39.谢你抢了我对象，让我知道他是人模狗样。
39. Thank you for stealing my partner, which made me realize he’s a hypocrite.
40.我未来的女朋友，现在在和谁谈恋爱？
40. Who is my future girlfriend dating right now?
41.世界上的脑残这么多，可是你却成了其中的佼佼者。
41. There are so many mentally challenged people in the world, but you’ve become the cream of the crop.
42.淑女就是未进化的比卡丘。绅士就是披着羊毛的狼。
42. A lady is an unevolved Pikachu. A gentleman is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
43.还没来得急沾花捻草，就已经被别人拔光了。
43. I haven’t even had the chance to flirt, and someone else has already taken it all.
44.当初我看上你，因为我脑子进水了，现在我脑子抖干了。
44. I was attracted to you because my brain was soaked, but now it’s dried up.
45.你讲我坏话时能不能别添油加醋，以为炒菜啊。
45. When you gossip about me, can you please not exaggerate, thinking you’re stir-frying?
46.没钱的时候，在家里吃野菜，有钱的时候，在酒店吃野菜。
46. When I’m broke, I eat wild vegetables at home; when I’m rich, I eat wild vegetables at the hotel.
47.俺从不写措字，但俺写通假字！
47. I never write wrong characters, but I do write pseudo-characters!
48.勃起不是万能的，但不能勃起却是万万都不能的！
48. Erections aren’t omnipotent, but not having one is absolutely impossible!
49.借朋友的车开，朋友说还的时候要给车加油。还车时，我冲车鼓了鼓掌。
49. I borrowed a friend’s car and they said to fill up the gas when returning it. When I returned the car, I clapped for the car.
50.给我一个女人，我可以创造一个民族，给我一瓶酒，我可以带领他们征服全世界！
50. Give me a woman, and I can create a nation; give me a bottle of wine, and I can lead them to conquer the world!
51.生下来的人没有怕死的，怕死的都没生下来，所以谁都别装横！
51. No one is born afraid of death; those who are afraid of death never get born, so don’t act tough!
52.小三的威力、一般人貌似抵挡不住。
52. The power of a mistress seems to be irresistible for ordinary people.
53.每个女人总会为某一个男人而下贱。
53. Every woman will eventually stoop for a certain man.
54.人生就像打电话，不是你先挂，就是我先挂！
54. Life is like making a phone call; either you hang up first or I do!
55.人不可貌相，小三不可斗量。
55. One should not judge a person by their appearance, nor should one underestimate the power of a mistress.
56.货有过期日，人有看腻时。你在我心里，能牛逼几时。
56. Goods have an expiration date, and people have a time when they grow tired of looking. How long can you be awesome in my heart?
57.女人先表现自己大方，男人就不敢小气。
57. When a woman acts generous first, men dare not to be stingy.
58.卧梅又闻花，卧枝伤恨低。邀闻卧石碎，卧湿达春绿。
58. Lying on the plum blossoms, I smell the flowers; lying on the branches, my sorrow is low. Inviting the sound of the broken stone, lying in the green of spring.
59.人生不能像做菜、把所有的料都准备好才下锅。
59. Life cannot be like cooking; you can’t wait until all the ingredients are ready before starting.
60.如果你容不下我，不是你的心胸太狭小，就是我的人格太伟大。
60. If you can’t tolerate me, it’s either because your heart is too narrow or because my personality is too great.
61.铁杵能磨成针，但木杵只能磨成牙签，材料不对，再努力也没用。
61. An iron rod can be ground into a needle, but a wooden rod can only be ground into a toothpick. If the material is not right, no amount of effort will help.
62.听说女人如衣服，兄弟如手足。回想起来，我竟然七手八脚的裸奔了20年!
62. I’ve heard that women are like clothes, and brothers are like hands and feet. Looking back, I’ve been running around naked with seven hands and eight feet for 20 years!
63.我不是随便的人，我随便起来不是人。
63. I’m not a casual person; when I’m casual, I’m not human.
64.我的未来不是梦，我的未来是噩梦。
64. My future is not a dream; it’s a nightmare.
65.我认为我颓废，原来我报废了!
65. I thought I was decadent, but it turns out I’m already scrapped!
66.我心眼儿有些小，但是不缺，我脾气很好，但不是没有!
66. My mind may be small, but it’s complete; my temper is good, but not nonexistent!
67.我也曾有过一双翅膀，不过我没用它在天上翱翔，而是放在锅里炖汤。
67. I once had a pair of wings, but instead of using them to soar in the sky, I cooked them in a pot of soup.
68.夏天就是不好，穷的时候我连西北风都没得喝。
68. Summer is not good because when I’m poor, I can’t even drink the northwest wind.
69.现在再找白马王子，你out了，现在都找宝马王子。
69. Nowadays, looking for a “Prince Charming” is outdated; everyone is now looking for a “BMW Prince.”
70.一时的冲动，子孙的危机!
70. A moment of impulse leads to a crisis for future generations!
71.用一颗滚烫的心，可以换一个结果。用钞票却可以随意改变这个结果。
71. With a passionate heart, one can achieve a result. With money, one can easily change that result.
72.有钱就败家，没钱就拜神。
72. The rich indulge in extravagance, while the poor worship deities.
73.有一个很古老的传说，说是在北邮校园内能看到美女的人会长生不老。
73. There is an ancient legend that says those who can see beautiful women on the campus of Beijing University of Posts and Telecommunications will live forever.
74.原来只要是分开了的人，不论原来多么熟悉，也会慢慢变得疏远。
74. It turns out that once people are separated, no matter how close they were before, they will gradually become distant.
75.早起的鸟儿有虫吃，早起的虫儿被鸟吃!
75. The early bird catches the worm, but the early worm gets eaten by the bird!
76.种草不让人去躺，不如改种仙人掌!
76. If you don’t allow people to lie on the grass you’ve planted, it’s better to plant cacti instead!
77.众里寻她千百度，蓦然回首，那人却在结婚登记处。
77. After searching for her thousands of times in the crowd, suddenly turning back, that person is at the marriage registration office.
78.作为失败的典型，你实在是太成功了。
78. As a typical example of failure, you are just too successful.
79.我们节省的时间愈多，供我们浪费的时间就愈多。
79. The more time we save, the more time we have to waste.
80.脸皮怎么那么厚，让猪皮情何以勘。
80. How can your face be so thick? It makes pigskin feel embarrassed.
81.美女眼前过，不泡是罪过。
81. It’s a sin not to flirt with a beautiful woman passing by.
82.当有人在装酷时，姐都会低下头。不是姐修养好，姐只是在找砖头。
82. When someone is acting cool, I always lower my head. It’s not because I have good manners, but because I’m looking for a brick.
83.年少时的你我因为没有学好爱情这门功课而变出了错误百出的答卷。
83. In our youth, you and I made a mistake-filled answer sheet because we didn’t learn the subject of love well.
84.感情的傻子，不会介意爱一个疯子。
84. A fool in love won’t mind loving a madman.
85.如果世界上真的有像小说里一样的男主角，那世界，就真的玄幻了！
85. If there really were male protagonists like those in novels in the world, then the world would truly be a fantasy!
86.如果我的考试成绩能像房价涨得那么快，那么这个世界该有多可爱。
86. If my exam scores could rise as fast as housing prices, how lovely this world would be.
87.广告看的好好的，突然蹦出个电视剧来…郁闷…
87. I was watching an advertisement just fine when suddenly a TV drama popped up… So frustrating…
88.世上最美的事，就是吃饱了睡觉有空调。
88. The most beautiful thing in the world is to eat your fill, sleep, and have air conditioning.
89.胸大未必嫁潘安，胸小也能钓彦祖。
89. Big breasts don’t necessarily marry Pan An, and small chests can also hook Yan Zu.
90.整天看《还珠格格》，我都有点同情容嬷嬷了。
90. Watching “My Fair Princess” all day makes me feel a little sympathetic towards Rong Ma.
91.空山新雨后，自挂东南枝，欲穷千里目，自挂东南枝，天生我材必有用，各种自挂东南枝。
91. After the rain in the empty mountains, hang oneself on the southeast branch; to see a thousand miles, hang oneself on the southeast branch; I am born with talents that must be useful, hanging myself on the southeast branch in various ways.
92.上课可以治疗同学们的失眠。
92. Attending class can cure students’ insomnia.
93.你若废我现在，我必废你将来。
93. If you ruin me now, I will ruin your future.
94.腾讯的“正在输入”，给了多少人希望，又给了多少人失望。
94. Tencent’s “Typing” gives hope to many people, and also brings disappointment to many.
95.上联：学生证准考证身份证证证没带下联：听力题阅读题作文题题题不做横批：重在参与。
95. Upper couplet: Student ID, admission ticket, ID card, no card brought; Lower couplet: Listening questions, reading questions, composition questions, no questions answered; Horizontal scroll: Focus on participation.
96.女人分结婚与不结婚两种，男人分自愿结婚与被迫结婚两种。
96. Women can be divided into married and unmarried, while men can be divided into voluntarily married and forced to marry.
97.天苍苍、地茫茫、物价不断长。买的起车，加不起油，公交还挺忙，有车一族终成伤。挣不来钱去买房，美女在上涨，价位不可挡，凭俺的收入，今生无希望，独叹空悲对月流，清风吹落泪两行!
97. The sky is vast, the earth is boundless, and prices keep rising. Can afford a car, but can’t afford the gas; public transport is still busy, the car owners become injured. Can’t make money to buy a house, beautiful women are rising, prices unstoppable; with my income, no hope in this life, sighing alone, facing the moon and shedding tears.
98.结婚当然是件好事，上瘾就麻烦了。
98. Marriage is certainly a good thing, but getting addicted to it is troublesome.
99.江山如画皮，人生如梦遗。
99. The landscape is like a painted skin, life is like a dream left behind.
100.不要说别人脑子有病，脑子有病的前提是必须有个脑子。
100. Don’t say others have a problem with their brains, the prerequisite for having a problem with their brains is that they must have a brain.
1.好马不吃回头草，所以我一直不回头向前绕圈走，结果我又碰上那草了。
1. A good horse doesn’t eat the grass behind it, so I keep walking forward without turning my head, and then I run into that grass again.
2.其实，我有一个角度看上去很帅，只不过你们没有找到罢了。
2. In fact, I have an angle that looks handsome, but you just haven’t found it yet.
3.友情不是靠酒喝出来的，但是可以用酒来回味！如果说你不装B的话咱们还可以做朋友。
3. Friendship is not built on drinking, but it can be reminisced with wine! If you don’t pretend to be cool, we can still be friends.
4.三鹿和蒙牛告诉我们一个道理：畜生是靠不住的。
4. Sanlu and Mengniu teach us a lesson: animals can’t be relied upon.
5.我的兴趣爱好可分为静态和动态两种，静态就是睡觉，动态就是翻身…
5. My hobbies can be divided into static and dynamic, static is sleeping, and dynamic is turning over…
6.在神经的人群里呆久了，我发现我正常了。
6. After staying in a crazy crowd for a long time, I find that I am normal.
7.我们老板是小怪兽，我们是奥特曼。但我们见了老板就跑，因为我们没带召唤器。
7. Our boss is a little monster, and we are Ultraman. But when we see the boss, we run away because we don’t have the summoner.
8.生活中处处都有惊吓，你就是其中一个。
8. Surprises are everywhere in life, and you are one of them.
9.爷不是你的小浣熊，玩不出你的其乐无穷。
9. I’m not your little raccoon, unable to provide you with endless joy.
10.老师，小刚明天要请假，因为他明天可能要病了。
10. Teacher, Xiao Gang needs to ask for leave tomorrow because he might be sick.
11.我这人从不记仇，一般有仇我当场就报了。
11. I’m not the type to hold grudges; I usually take revenge on the spot.
12.我是一个潜力无穷的学生，我可以三小时写完国庆作业，但这他妈是被动技能，只能十月七号晚上启动。
12. I am a student with boundless potential. I can finish my National Day homework in three hours, but it’s a passive skill that can only be activated on the evening of October 7th.
13.你这个孩子怎么不懂事啊？舅舅正在这里，你怎么还会想到要去动物园看狗熊？
13. How can you be so inconsiderate, child? Your uncle is right here, and yet you still think about going to the zoo to see the bear?
14.我的兴趣爱好可分为静态和动态两种，静态就是睡觉，动态就是翻身…
14. My hobbies can be divided into static and dynamic. Static is sleeping, and dynamic is turning over…
15.不是我心理阴暗啊，我就觉得这个空气污染是那帮口罩生产厂家制造出来的。
15. It’s not that I’m mentally dark, but I think this air pollution is created by those mask manufacturers.
16.上联：学生证准考证身份证证证没带，下联：听力题阅读题作文题题题不做。横批：重在参与。
16. Upper couplet: Student ID, exam ID, and ID card, I didn’t bring any of them. Lower couplet: Listening questions, reading questions, and essay questions, I don’t do any of them. Horizontal scroll: Participation is key.
17.一天没带眼镜逛街，看到一个既帅气又熟悉的人。想过去看看到底是谁。原来是一面镜子。
17. One day, I went shopping without my glasses and saw someone familiar and handsome. I wanted to see who it was, but it turned out to be a mirror.
18.嘻嘻和哈哈是一对好朋友，非常要好的朋友。有一天，哈哈死了。嘻嘻很难过，他走到哈哈的坟前说：哈哈，你死了。
18. Xixi and HaHa are best friends, very close friends. One day, HaHa died. Xixi was very sad, and he went to HaHa’s grave and said, “HaHa, you’re dead.”
19.问：你喜欢我哪一点？答：我喜欢你离我远一点！
19. Q: What do you like about me? A: I like you to stay away from me!
20.这个世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
20. In this world, I only trust two people: one is me, and the other is not you.
21.最近比较烦、比较烦烦烦烦！无聊的世界苍天，请赐我一死我睡觉去安静一下！
21. I’ve been feeling quite annoyed lately, so annoyed! Boring world, heaven, please grant me death so I can go to sleep and be quiet!
22.你这么爱说风凉话，莫非你是风油精和清凉油生出来的？
22. You love to say such cold-hearted words; could it be that you were born from a mixture of wind oil essence and cooling oil?
23.又到了这个尴尬的季节，一个穿短袖的和一个穿棉袄的擦肩而过，互相在心底都说了句傻逼。
23. It’s that awkward season again when someone wearing short sleeves and someone wearing a cotton jacket pass by each other, and both say “stupid” in their hearts.
24.我妈问我怎么在卫生间那么久不洗澡，我没敢告诉她，我路过镜子时被自己迷住了。
24. My mom asked why I was in the bathroom for so long without taking a shower. I didn’t dare tell her that I was captivated by my own reflection in the mirror.
25.我喜欢你就像我喜欢海，可我也不能去跳海，我可以去上海。
25. I like you just as much as I like the sea, but I can’t jump into the sea; I can go to Shanghai.
26.天气热得像个笑话，日子过的像句废话。
26. The weather is hot like a joke, and life passes like nonsense.
27.竟然有人我涂了蓝眼影，那简直是在侮辱我得黑眼圈!
27. Someone actually dared to put blue eyeshadow on me; it’s like insulting my dark circles!
28.不用怀疑，我就是你梦中的穷人。
28. No doubt about it, I am the poor person in your dreams.
29.当完全吃撑的时候，普通青年会一脸空虚地埋怨“撑死我了”，吃货则一脸轻松“我歇会儿”~
29. When completely full, an ordinary young person would complain emptily, “I’m so stuffed,” while a foodie would casually say, “I’ll take a break.”
30.第一笔就起错了的画，只好一路地潦草下去。
30. If the first stroke of a painting goes wrong, you can only continue carelessly.
31.你看，总有那么多的事情让你伤感：阴晴圆缺，悲欢离合，阳痿早泄…
31. You see, there are always so many things that make you feel sad: the changing weather, joys and sorrows, impotence and premature ejaculation…
32.不要对自己过于自信，能收拾你的人比你能想到的多的多。
32. Don’t be too confident in yourself; there are far more people who can deal with you than you can imagine.
33.对于女生，又长了几斤肉并不那么可怕，可怕的是闺密那个贱人竟然又瘦了。
33. For girls, gaining a few pounds is not so terrible; what’s really scary is that your best friend, that bitch, has actually lost weight again.
34.有时候觉得自己变丑了，拿出身份证一看，发现多虑了。
34. Sometimes when you feel you’ve become uglier, take out your ID card and see; you’ve worried too much.
35.人生就像愤怒的小鸟，当你失败时，总有几只猪在笑。
35. Life is like Angry Birds; when you fail, there are always a few pigs laughing at you.
36.别说世界抛弃了你，世界根本没空搭理你。
36. Don’t say the world has abandoned you; the world is just too busy to pay attention to you.
37.原谅他是上帝的事，我的任务就是送他去见上帝。
37. Forgiving him is God’s job; my task is to send him to meet God.
38.哥只不过是个局，而你却入了迷。
38. I’m just a game, but you’re the one who’s addicted.
39.不要迷恋哥，嫂子才是传说。
39. Don’t be infatuated with me; your sister-in-law is the real legend.
40.又帅又车，那是象棋，有钱有房，那是银行。
40. Handsome and with a car; that’s chess. Rich and with a house; that’s a bank.
41.上帝创造了处女，我创造了妇女。
41. God created virgins, and I created women.
42.放眼过去全是货，老妹你想跟谁过。
42. Looking around, there are so many options; little sister, who do you want to be with?
43.别拿你弹视频的速度，来挑战哥拉黑的技术。
43. Don’t challenge my skill in blocking with your speed of sending videos.
44.不要乐观的像个屁一样，自以为能惊天动地。
44. Don’t be so optimistic like a fart, thinking you can shake the world.
45.三分天注定，七分靠打拼，还有九十分在老师那里。
45. Thirty percent is destined, seventy percent comes from hard work, and the remaining ninety percent is with the teacher.
46.晚上想想千条路，早上起来走原路。
46. At night, you think of a thousand paths, but in the morning, you still follow the original one.
47.你那副正经的样子，貌似真的听懂人话呐！
47. You look so serious, as if you really understand human language!
48.我跟伍佰不熟，他弟弟二百五跟我很熟。
48. I’m not close with Wu Bai; I’m very familiar with his younger brother, Er Bai Wu.
49.我建议大家对我的长相，理解为主，欣赏为辅。
49. I suggest that everyone should focus on understanding my appearance, and appreciate it as a secondary aspect.
50.结束友情的方式有许多种，最彻底的一种是借钱不还。
50. There are many ways to end a friendship, and the most thorough one is to borrow money and not pay it back.
51.暗恋就是没有配高射炮的雷达，默默地锁定了敌机。
51. Unrequited love is like a radar without an anti-aircraft gun, silently locking onto the enemy aircraft.
52.在猪圈里，你不必讲究人类的礼仪。
52. In a pigsty, you don’t need to follow human etiquette.
53.不求门当户对，只求感觉到位。
53. I don’t seek a perfect match, just the right feeling.
54.土是用来挖的，坑是用来埋你的。
54. Dirt is meant to be dug, and holes are meant to bury you in.
55.永远都不要跟同一个傻子争辩，因为争辩到最后，会分不清谁是傻子。
55. Never argue with the same fool, because in the end, you won’t be able to tell who the fool is.
56.你到挺有个性，个不高性格还那么不好。
56. You do have a unique personality, but you’re not tall and your character is not so good.
57.没心没肺，能活百岁，问心无愧，做人不累。
57. Being heartless and carefree can lead to a long life; having a clear conscience makes life less tiring.
58.真怀念小时候啊，天热的时候我也可以像男人一样光膀子！
58. I really miss when I was a child, when it was hot, I could also bare my chest like a man!
59.我看你就一专业织网的，而且专捕企鹅。
59. I think you’re a professional at weaving nets, and you specialize in catching penguins.
60.我可没说你不要脸，我是说不要脸的都是你这样的。
60. I didn’t say you have no shame; I’m saying that those who have no shame are just like you.
61.装逼只是瞬间，不要脸才是永恒。
61. Pretending to be cool is just a momentary thing, but having no shame is eternal.
62.有些事情无须抬杠，表面服从偷偷反抗。
62. There’s no need to argue about some things; just comply on the surface and secretly resist.
63.我喝酒是想把痛苦溺死，但这该死的痛苦却学会了游泳。
63. I drink to drown my sorrows, but the damned sorrows have learned how to swim.
64.若不弃，此生不离，若嫌弃，死一边去。
64. If you don’t give up on me, we’ll never part in this life; if you despise me, just go die.
65.上帝给了我们七情六欲，我们却把它们变成了色情和暴力。
65. God gave us seven emotions and six desires, but we turned them into pornography and violence.
66.遇到你之前，我的世界是黑白的，遇到你之后，哇塞！全黑了……
66. Before I met you, my world was in black and white; after meeting you, wow! It’s completely dark…
67.现在的社会，插队都得排队。
67. In today’s society, you even have to wait in line to cut in line.
68.勇于认错，坚决不改。
68. Be brave to admit your mistakes, but never change them.
69.瘦不了的永远在骚动，吃不胖的都有恃无恐。
69. Those who can’t lose weight are always restless, while those who can’t gain weight have no fear.
70.穿别人的鞋，走自己的路，让他们找去吧。
70. Wear other people’s shoes and walk your own path, let them search for you.
71.每次写简历都会比以前更敬佩自己一些。
71. Every time I write a resume, I admire myself more than before.
72.你眼里的高压电，足够让我的手机用一年。
72. The high voltage in your eyes is enough to power my phone for a year.
73.别以为你长的稀有样我们就应该物以稀为贵。
73. Don’t think that just because you look rare, we should value you highly.
74.青春啊，你太痘了！
74. Youth, you’re too full of acne!
75.每个宿舍都有一个磨牙的，一个说梦话的，一个打呼噜的，一个睡很晚的。
75. In every dormitory, there is a teeth grinder, a dream talker, a snorer, and a night owl.
76.师太，批上老纳的袈纱后，你就是老纳的人了。
76. Master, once you put on my kasaya, you will be mine.
77.如果说剪掉头发就是剪掉回忆，那我剪成光头是不是可以失忆？
77. If cutting hair means cutting memories, would shaving my head make me amnesiac?
78.本想华丽的转身，不料低调的撞墙。
78. I wanted to make a gorgeous turn, but I bumped into the wall discreetly.
79.春天我把男朋友种进地里，到了秋天，我就把这茬给忘了。
79. In spring, I planted my boyfriend in the ground, and by autumn, I had completely forgotten about it.
80.我对着镜子说，镜子，镜子，我是不是这个世界上最美丽的，镜子碎了。
80. I said to the mirror, mirror, am I the most beautiful in the world? The mirror shattered.
81.世界上两件事最难：一是把自己的思想装进别人的脑袋，二是把别人的钱装进自己的口袋。前者成功了叫老师，后者成功了叫老板，两者都成功了可以叫老婆或大学或教堂！
81. The two hardest things in the world are: putting one’s thoughts into someone else’s mind, and putting other people’s money into one’s pocket. The former is successful and called a teacher, the latter is successful and called a boss, and those who succeed in both can be called a wife, university, or church!
82.我不是那种落井下石的人，我是直接把井封了。
82. I’m not the kind of person who kicks someone when they’re down, I just seal the well.
83.百度搜不到你，只好进搜狗！
83. I can’t find you on Baidu, so I have to use Sogou!
84.你长得如此多娇，引无数瞎子竞折腰。
84. You look so delicate, attracting countless blind men to compete in admiration.
85.经常会从梦中惊醒，因为做了一个饿梦，好饿好饿的梦。
85. I often wake up from my dreams because I had a hungry dream, so hungry, so hungry.
86.男人被甩，金钱问题，女人被甩，面貌问题，我被甩，你他妈脑袋有问题。
86. Men are dumped for money issues, women are dumped for appearance issues, I’m dumped because you have a problem in your damn head.
87.如果你活着，早晚都会死，如果你死了，你就永远活着。
87. If you’re alive, you’ll die sooner or later; if you’re dead, you’ll live forever.
88.你别总日啊日的，你家老母狗都快怀孕了。
88. Stop saying “fuck” all the time, your old mother dog is almost pregnant.
89.虽然我不能菩度众生，但我可以祸害苍生。
89. Although I cannot save all living beings, I can bring disaster to all living beings.
90.我的袜子全是洞，我的未来不是梦。
90. My socks are full of holes, and my future is not a dream.
91.我也曾青春逼人，可惜现在青春没了，就剩这么个逼人了。
91. I used to be youthful and attractive, but now my youth is gone, leaving only this attractiveness.
92.我对你的深情无法付诸语言，除了一句“滚一边去”。
92. I cannot express my deep feelings for you in words, except for “go away.”
93.三人行必有我妻，选其美者而取之。
93. Among every group of three people, there must be a woman I desire. I will choose the most beautiful one and take her.
94.穷耐克，富阿迪，流氓一身阿玛尼。
94. Poor people wear Nike, rich people wear Adidas, and gangsters wear Armani.
95.苹果最光荣的一刻就是砸在了牛顿的头上。
95. The most glorious moment for an apple was when it hit Newton’s head.
96.我不需要你理解，只需要你闭嘴。
96. I don’t need you to understand, I just need you to shut up.
97.祖国的花朵，开一朵我踩一朵。
97. The flowers of the motherland, I will trample on each one that blooms.
98.要不是老师说不能乱扔垃圾，不然我早把你扔出去了。
98. If it weren’t for the teacher saying not to litter, I would have thrown you out long ago.
99.傻与不傻，要看你会不会装傻。
99. Whether you are stupid or not depends on whether you know how to pretend to be stupid.
100.偷吃不是我的错，是我嘴巴的寂寞。
100. It’s not my fault for sneaking a bite; it’s the loneliness of my mouth.
3.如果有钱也是一种错，那我情愿一错再错。
3. If being rich is also a mistake, then I would rather make the same mistake again and again.
4.男人的实力就是你兜里的人民币。
4. A man’s strength is the amount of RMB in your pocket.
5.我爱你时，你说什么就是什么。我不爱你时，你说你是什么。
5. When I love you, whatever you say goes. When I don’t love you, who are you to say anything?
6.众里寻她千百度，踏平脚下路。蓦然回首细环顾，大婶大娘无数。偶有美女光顾，还是有夫之妇，余下大多数，基本不堪入目。
6. Searching for her among the crowd, I tread on the ground beneath my feet. Suddenly looking back and examining carefully, there are countless aunts and old ladies. Occasionally, a beautiful woman appears, but she is already married. The rest are mostly unsightly.
7.有个老太太都在缸里蹲半天了，多点时间让她透透气吧。
7. An old lady has been squatting in the jar for half a day; give her more time to breathe.
8.唱歌给我听，开心了就让你走。
8. Sing for me, and if I’m happy, I’ll let you go.
9.在我尿频的时候你还在嘲笑我。
9. You’re still laughing at me while I’m suffering from frequent urination.
10.有些事，有些人，有些风景，一旦入眼入心，即便刹那，也是永恒。
10. Some things, some people, some scenery, once they enter your eyes and heart, even for a moment, they become eternal.
11.逃得了和尚，逃不了方丈。
11. You can run away from a monk, but not from the abbot.
12.现在生米都已经煮成稀饭了。
12. The raw rice has already been cooked into porridge.
13.唾沫是用来数钞票的不是用来讲理的。
13. Spit is for counting money, not for reasoning.
14.跟我打赌，不是看你要什么，而是看我有什么……
14. Betting with me is not about what you want, but what I have…
15.你每天都和他们聊到半夜，他们哪有时间创造人类呢？
15. You chat with them every night till midnight, when do they have time to create humans?
16.内练一口气，外练一口屁。
16. Cultivate your inner spirit with a single breath, and your outer body with a single fart.
17.能动手，就尽量别吵吵。
17. If you can take action, try not to argue.
18.能抗洪的尿布湿，才是真正的尿布湿！
18. The diaper that can withstand floods is the real diaper wet!
19.你穿的很危险，但长得很安全。
19. You dress dangerously, but look very safe.
20.你信仰基督教，还是公鸡叫。
20. Do you believe in Christianity, or do you believe in the rooster’s crow?
21.你走你的阳光道，我走我的地下道。
21. You take your sunny path, and I’ll take my underground path.
22.起的比鸡早，睡的比猫晚，赚的比秃子的毛还少。
22. Wake up earlier than a rooster, sleep later than a cat, and earn less than a bald man’s hair.
23.装成熟、是往老里打扮的行为。
23. Pretending to be mature is an act of dressing old.
24.忽然发现自从我配了眼镜就不敢出门了。
24. Suddenly, I found that I dare not go out since I got glasses.
25.好寂寞，连欲望都被我挣脱。
25. So lonely, even my desires have been broken free by me.
26.给我一双筷子。我可以吃掉整个地球。
26. Give me a pair of chopsticks, and I can eat the whole Earth.
27.别烦我，再烦我，你一会就掉茅坑了。
27. Don’t bother me, or you’ll fall into the latrine in a moment.
28.别回头，哥恋的只是你的背影。
28. Don’t look back, brother is just in love with your back.
29.哥吸烟，是因为它伤肺，不伤心。
29. I smoke because it hurts my lungs, not my heart.
30.凡事皆有代价，快乐的代价便是痛苦。
30. Everything has a price; the price of happiness is pain.
31.当江湖有了传说，不满城风雨，是对不起观众的。
31. When there are legends in the martial world, if it doesn’t cause a sensation, it’s a disservice to the audience.
32.打死我也不说，你们还没使美人计呢！
32. I’d rather die than tell you, you haven’t even used the beauty tactic yet!
33.大理石牌鞋垫，要脚不要脸。
33. Marble nameplate insoles, caring more about your feet than your face.
34.出来混，迟早会烦的。
34. When you’re in the underworld, you’ll eventually get tired of it.
35.打你就打你，还要挑日子吗？
35. If I want to hit you, do I need to choose a day?
36.打个小麻将，吃个麻辣烫。找个小对象，生活就这样。
36. Play a small game of mahjong, eat some spicy hot pot. Find a little partner, that’s life.
37.在这个什么都涨价的时代里，我突然欣喜地发现，空气没有涨价，反倒是料越来越多了。
37. In this era where everything is getting more expensive, I suddenly found out happily that the air hasn’t increased in price, but the ingredients have become more abundant.
38.迄今为止，三个苹果改变了世界:一个诱-惑了夏娃，一个砸醒了牛顿，一个握在乔布斯手里。
38. So far, three apples have changed the world: one tempted Eve, one awakened Newton, and one is in the hands of Steve Jobs.
39.现在北京只有呼吸和放屁不用排队了。
39. Nowadays in Beijing, the only things that don’t require waiting in line are breathing and farting.
40.即使你已名花有主，我也要移花接木。
40. Even if you’re already taken, I’ll still try to steal you away.
41.鹅鹅鹅，曲项用刀割，拔毛加瓢水，点火盖上锅!
41. Goose, goose, goose, with a curved neck and a knife, pluck the feathers and add water, light the fire and cover the pot!
42.国家为什么没有拿你的脸皮去研究防弹衣呢?
42. Why hasn’t the country used your脸皮 to research bulletproof vests?
43.莫非阁下就是当年华山论贱的智障大师养的小沙弥低能狗旺财踩死的屎壳螂层滚过的的一颗粪球?
43. Could it be that you are the lowly monk raised by the mentally challenged master from the Huashan Debate, the one who was stepped on by the dog named Wangcai, and the dung beetle that rolled over a piece of dung?
44.你不是我脑袋里的交-警，无权干预我的走向
44. You are not the traffic cop in my mind, and you have no right to interfere with my direction.
45.你的笑容比阳光下那坨狗屎还灿烂
45. Your smile is more brilliant than the dog poop under the sun.
46.那些总说别人装逼的人，你们连逼都不是。
46. Those who always say others are showing off don’t even have anything to show off themselves.
47.我不恨你，因为我不想记住你。
47. I don’t hate you because I don’t want to remember you.
48.孔子曰：西游记就是孙悟空念咒，唐僧发疯。
48. Confucius said: The Journey to the West is about Sun Wukong reciting spells and Tang Sanzang going mad.
49.别人笑我太淫荡，我笑他人不开放。
49. Others laugh at me for being too obscene, but I laugh at them for not being open-minded.
50.下雨了，别忘了打伞，湿身是小，淋病就麻烦啦！
50. It’s raining, don’t forget to bring an umbrella. Getting wet is a minor issue, but catching a disease would be troublesome!
51.活了二十多年，没能为祖国为人民做点什么，每思及此，伤心欲绝。
51. I’ve lived for more than 20 years and haven’t done anything for my country and people. Every time I think about it, I feel heartbroken.
52.将薪比薪的想一下，算了，不想活了。
52. Comparing salaries, forget it, I don’t even want to live anymore.
53.所谓的单纯，长了翅膀的就是天使，没长翅膀的就是白痴。
53. So-called innocence, with wings, you’re an angel; without wings, you’re a fool.
54.与其混，与其熬，不如二，不如飙。
54. Instead of loafing or enduring, it’s better to be second or speed up.
55.生活就像忐忑，没有准确的歌词，却惊心动魄。
55. Life is like restlessness, with no accurate lyrics, yet it’s thrilling.
56.起的比鸡早，睡的比猫晚，赚的比秃子的毛还少。
56. Waking up earlier than a rooster and sleeping later than a cat, earning less than a bald man’s hair.
57.打个小麻将，吃个麻辣烫。找个小对象，生活就这样。
57. Play a small game of mahjong, eat some spicy hot pot. Find a small partner, and that’s life.
58.当江湖有了传说，不满城风雨，是对不起观众的。
58. When the world has legends, if the city isn’t stormy, it’s对不起观众 (disrespectful to the audience).
59.凡事皆有代价，快乐的代价便是痛苦。
59. Everything has a price; the price of happiness is pain.
60.我是心眼小，但是不缺，我是脾气好，但不是没有！
60. I may have a small mind, but it’s not lacking. I have a good temper, but it’s not non-existent!
61.你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
61. You might as well let me kneel on a washboard; I can’t stand kneeling on an electric heater!
62.女人一生最喜欢两朵花：一是有钱花，二是尽量花！
62. A woman loves two types of flowers in her life: one is spending money, and the other is trying her best to spend!
63.两只鸳鸯同命鸟，一对蝴蝶可怜虫。
63. Two mandarin ducks are birds with the same fate, a pair of butterflies are pitiful creatures.
64.天上掉钞票我不会弯腰，因为天上连馅饼都不会掉，更别说掉钞票了。
64. I won’t bend down for falling banknotes, because even pie doesn’t fall from the sky, let alone banknotes.
65.是人都有阴暗面，如果你偏说你很单纯，那我只能说，你不是人！
65. Everyone has a dark side. If you insist on saying you’re innocent, then I have to say, you’re not human!
66.有时候，除了谎言是真的，其它全是假的！
66. Sometimes, apart from lies, everything else is fake!
67.鸳鸯戏水，都他妈淹死；比翼双飞，都他妈摔死！
67. Mandarin ducks playing in water, all drown to death; birds flying wing to wing, all crash and die!
68.聪明的人，借助经验说话，更聪明的人，根据经验不说话。
68. Smart people speak based on experience, smarter people remain silent according to their experience.
69.梦想太容易实现就不是梦想了，但没有梦想，现实就是一片漆黑。
69. If dreams are too easy to achieve, they’re not dreams; but without dreams, reality is pitch black.
70.多时叫心计，很多时叫心机。
70. A little cunning is called strategy, a lot of cunning is called scheming.
71.失落，就是因为你老在和别人比较。
71. Feeling lost is because you are always comparing yourself to others.
72.出淤泥而不染，再扎回淤泥，还不染。
72. Emerging from the mud unsoiled, and returning to the mud still unsoiled.
73.电视机，一个嘲笑孤独者的方盒子
73. Television, a square box that mocks the lonely.
74.哪怕幸福只露出一根线头，她有本事将它拽出来，织成一件毛衣。
74. Even if happiness only shows a thread, she has the ability to pull it out and knit it into a sweater.
75.把漂亮当资本是愚蠢，把漂亮当能能源是智慧。
75. Treating beauty as capital is foolish, but treating beauty as an energy source is wise.
76.每当我找到了成功的钥匙，就有人把所给换了。
76. Every time I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
77.你一出门，千山鸟飞绝，万径人踪灭。
77. As soon as you go out, a thousand mountains are devoid of birds and ten thousand paths are devoid of people.
78.今天心情不好，我只有四句话想说，包括这句和前面的两句，我的话说完了。
78. I’m in a bad mood today, and I only have four sentences to say, including this one and the two before it. My words are finished.
79.好久没有人把牛皮吹的这么清新脱俗了！
79. It’s been a long time since someone blew牛皮 so fresh and refined!
80.胖人当然一样可以自信，但如果你耿耿于体重不能释怀，那么还是减肥吧
80. Of course, fat people can be confident, but if you can’t let go of your weight, then lose weight.
81.多亏我是个胖子，伤心时我可以捏捏肚子
81. Fortunately, I am a fat person, so when I’m sad, I can pinch my stomach.
82.那些说我不用减肥的人都是坏人。
82. Those who say I don’t need to lose weight are bad people.
83.不会到男装店找适合自己的“女装”。
83. Don’t go to the men’s clothing store to find “women’s clothing” that suits you.
84.本来准备今年瘦成一道闪电，亮瞎你们的眼，不想竟然胖成了坚果墙，挡住了你们的视线。
84. I was planning to become a lightning bolt this year, dazzling your eyes, but I unexpectedly became a nut wall, blocking your view.
85.浪漫出游时，不会把男朋友自行车的后带磨平
85. When going out romantically, you won’t wear out the back strap of your boyfriend’s bicycle.
86.夏天和男友一同逛街时，他不会老想走在你后面乘阴凉。
86. When shopping with your boyfriend in the summer, he won’t always want to walk behind you to enjoy the shade.
87.迎面走来的男士，错身，回头是因为欣赏而不是出于好奇。
87. The approaching gentleman turns around and looks back because of appreciation, not curiosity.
88.瘦出一张小脸，省了多少化妆品啊。
88. Having a small face saves so much makeup.
89.挤公车和地铁的时候，游刃有余。
89. When taking public transportation, there is plenty of room to maneuver.
90.要知道，对售货小姐说“有没有特大号的衣服”时，是一件很丢脸的事情;但是“这里的衣服都太肥了”却可以理直气壮地说出口。
90. You should know that asking the salesgirl, “Do you have any extra-large clothes?” is embarrassing; however, saying “The clothes here are all too loose” can be said confidently.
91.连汤加国王都命令全国减肥了。
91. Even the King of Tonga has ordered the entire nation to lose weight.
92.遗传学淡定地告诉我们：跨物种恋爱注定是没有好结果的。
92. Genetics calmly tells us that跨物种恋爱 is doomed to have no good outcome.
93.月老啊！您能不要用山寨劣质的红绳给我牵姻缘？隔三差五断啊。
93. Matchmaker, can you please not use counterfeit and inferior red strings to tie my marriage bond? It breaks every now and then.
94.何文轩曾对李清远说过一句话：你之所以还不是GAY，是因为还没遇到让你心动的男人。
94. He Wenxuan once said to Li Qingyuan: The reason you are not gay yet is that you haven’t met a man who makes your heart race.
95.呸！我耳朵都竖起来了，你就给我听这个？”
95. Pfft! I’ve pricked up my ears, and this is what you give me to listen to?
96.我无法拉伸生命的长度，但是我可以拓展生命的宽度。我胖了才显得你瘦，免得我瘦的时候显得你丑。
96. I cannot stretch the length of my life, but I can expand its width. I gain weight to make you look thinner, so that when I’m thin, I don’t make you look ugly.
97.我的读书生涯仅仅能做的两件事就是看学霸秀成绩，看情侣秀恩爱。
97. The only two things I can do during my school years are to watch top students show off their grades and watch couples show off their love.
98.咱们这个国度，人口资源丰富。但为何娶不到老婆的男人还是不计其数?是因为封建思想的束缚，打乱了男女的比例和数目，还是因为社会的退步，又重新开始了一夫多妻的制度?
98. Our country has abundant human resources. But why are there still countless men who can’t find wives? Is it because of feudal thinking that disrupts the ratio and number of men and women, or is it because of societal regression, and the重新开始 of the polygamy system?
99.冲动时我真恨不得变成动物，哪怕只是头卖力的牲畜。听凭主人的吩咐，不用感受做人的无助。或者干脆来个移花接木，彻底的做个变性手术。跑到人群中滥竽充数，也好让同胞们多一条可以选择的出路。
99. In the heat of the moment, I really wish I could become an animal, even if it’s just a hardworking beast of burden. To follow my master’s orders without experiencing the helplessness of being human. Or, better yet, undergo a complete sex change surgery and blend into the crowd, providing my fellow citizens with one more option to choose from.
100.光棍节到了，小鸟恋爱了，蚂蚁同居了，苍蝇怀孕了，蚊子流产了，蝴蝶离婚了，毛毛虫改嫁了，青蛙也生孩子了，你还在等什么呢?
100. Singles’ Day is here, the birds are in love, the ants are cohabiting, the flies are pregnant, the mosquitoes have had miscarriages, the butterflies have divorced, the caterpillars have remarried, and the frogs have had children. What are you waiting for?
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