1.喝醉了我谁也不服，我就扶墙！
1. When I’m drunk, I don’t submit to anyone; I just lean on the wall!

2.老婆：你说我婚前美得像一部电影，啥电影啊？老公：无声电影……。
2. Wife: You said I was as beautiful as a movie before marriage, what movie? Husband: A silent movie…

3.老师说一个错题就是一种财富，我看了看我的卷子，才发现原来我是土豪。
3. The teacher said that one wrong answer is a kind of wealth, and when I looked at my paper, I realized I was a rich man.

4.女人心目中理想的男人，其实就是：有事关云长，无事西门庆。
4. The ideal man in a woman’s mind is actually: Guan Yu when there’s trouble, and Ximen Qing when there’s none.

5.我男朋友不吸烟，不喝酒，不打架，不存在。
5. My boyfriend doesn’t smoke, drink, or fight, but he doesn’t exist.

6.女人安慰女人时往往说自己很惨；男人安慰男人时往往说另一个男人很惨。
6. When women comfort each other, they often talk about their own miseries; when men comfort each other, they often talk about the miseries of another man.

7.当面夸一女同学：你真是清水出芙蓉！
7. Compliment a female classmate in person: You are truly a natural beauty!

8.刚毕业后会有期；毕业一年后会有妻；后来后悔有妻；再后来会有后妻；最后悔有后妻。
8. After graduation, there will be a reunion; one year later, there will be a wife; then regret having a wife; later, there will be a second wife; and finally, regret having a second wife.

9.我正被川大强奸着，现在我唯一能做的就是最大限度地把姿势摆对！
9. I’m being raped by Sichuan University, and the only thing I can do now is to get my posture right!

10.嫦娥，你就从了天蓬吧，你看玉帝都老成啥样了！
10. Chang’e, just give in to Tian Peng, look at how old the Jade Emperor has become!

11.好朋友就是两人无缘无故互望一眼就二逼的笑了！
11. A good friend is someone who can look at each other for no reason and start laughing like idiots!

12.做白领，就得多备几件白衬衫，一来职业，二来容易暴露胸罩颜色！
12. To be a white-collar worker, you need to prepare several white shirts, as they are professional and easy to reveal bra colors!

14.过去一直喜欢她的胸怀宽广，其实那也无非是一片飞机场！
14. I used to like her broad-mindedness, but it turned out to be nothing more than an airport!

15.好久不贱啊贱客，听说你练成人贱合一了？
15. Long time no see, you scoundrel! I heard you’ve become a master of being a jerk!

16.男人忽悠女人，叫调戏；女人忽悠男人，叫勾引；男女相互忽悠，叫爱情。
16. When a man deceives a woman, it’s called teasing; when a woman deceives a man, it’s called seducing; when both men and women deceive each other, it’s called love.

17.上学迟到的路上你最希望看到的是什么？答：其他迟到的同学！
17. What do you want to see most on your way to school when you’re late? Answer: Other late students!

18.有人在车上分娩，有人在地铁怀孕，北京真是个充满生机的城市…
18. Some people give birth in cars, some get pregnant on the subway, Beijing is really a city full of vitality…

19.要不是为挣钱，脸要来做什么…
19. If not for making money, what’s the use of a face?

20.你们也不能太侮辱周正龙的智慧，至少他自己没顶片树叶，然后宣称自己是华南虎！
20. You can’t insult Zhou Zhenglong’s wisdom too much, at least he didn’t wear a leaf on his head and claim to be a South China Tiger!

21.今天早上出地铁站的时候自动扶梯发生故障，我被困在上面一个多小时，所以迟到了。
21. This morning, when I was leaving the subway station, the escalator broke down, and I was trapped on it for over an hour, so I was late.

22.当我看见美女的时候，首先摸摸兜里，看看有没有钱！
22. When I see a beautiful woman, I first check my pocket to see if I have any money!

23.避孕药的有效期三年，避孕套的有效期五年。很多时候，药和套还没有过期，爱情就已经过期了。
23. The expiration date of birth control pills is three years, and that of condoms is five years. Many times, the pills and condoms haven’t expired yet, but love has already expired.

24.亲爱的，死没？死的话抱紧我，好让收尸的知道我们是一对儿！
24. Darling, are you dead? If you’re dead, hold me tight so that the undertaker knows we are a couple!

25.世上只有一句话骗我一千万遍我也会相信，那就是：老师来了！
25. There is only one sentence in the world that I would believe even if it deceived me a million times: “The teacher is coming!”

26.微信就是牛逼，硬是把手机搞成对讲机。
26. WeChat is amazing, turning a mobile phone into a walkie-talkie.

27.还是会想起那年夏天，他满身大汉的样子
27. I still remember that summer when he was sweating all over.

28.百年修得同船渡，千年修得上下铺。
28. It takes a hundred years of cultivation to share a boat ride, and a thousand years to share a bunk bed.

29.有人问我皮肤为什么黑 ，真搞笑 一白遮百丑 ，你白是为了遮丑， 我又不丑。
29. When people ask me why my skin is dark, it’s really funny. “One white covers a hundred ugliness.” You turn white to cover your ugliness, but I’m not ugly.

30.一口不能吃个胖子，但胖子却是一口一口吃出来的！
30. You can’t eat a fat person in one bite, but a fat person is created by eating bite by bite!

31.老婆是操作系统，一但安装卸载十分麻烦；小秘是桌面，只要你有兴趣可以天天更换；情人是互联网，风光无限花钱不断；小姐是盗版软件，用时记着先杀毒。
31. A wife is like an operating system; it’s very troublesome to install and uninstall. A secretary is like a desktop; you can change it every day if you’re interested. A lover is like the internet, with endless scenery and spending. A prostitute is like pirated software; remember to scan for viruses before using it.

32.黄瓜在于拍，人生在于嗨。
32. The essence of cucumber lies in slapping, and the essence of life lies in having fun.

33.人又不聪明，还学人家秃顶！！
33. If you’re not smart, don’t try to imitate someone who is bald!

34.讲道理的人里头，有些话不能不信，但又不能全信。一是专家，一是算命的。
34. Among reasonable people, there are some words that you can’t help but believe, but you can’t believe them entirely. These are the words of experts and fortune tellers.

35.我以神的姿态，闪耀在这美的瞬间，凡人勿扰。
35. I shine in this beautiful moment with a divine presence; do not disturb mortals.

36.苦藤老树昏鸦，学校食堂涨价，同学饿成瘦马。夕阳西下，麻麻我要回家。
36. Bitter vines, old trees, and dusk crows; the school cafeteria raises prices, and students become skinny horses. As the sun sets in the west, I want to go home, Mom.

37.我一直都守在你身边，也一再为你担心，今天你吃得饱吗？睡得好吗？深夜会冷吗？我向来都知道你就是不会照顾自己，每当我一走开，你就从猪栏跳出去。
37. I have always been by your side, and I worry about you again and again. Did you eat well today? Did you sleep well? Will you be cold at night? I always know that you can’t take care of yourself. Every time I leave, you jump out of the pigsty.

38.人总是爱欺骗自己，因为那比期骗别人更容易。
38. People always love to deceive themselves because it’s easier than deceiving others.

39.让我在这里低调的喊一句，你的过去我来不及参与，你的未来打死我也不想参与了。
39. Let me shout quietly here: I didn’t have time to participate in your past, and I don’t want to be involved in your future.

40.现在的女孩需要的不是王子，需要的是能辅佐数学的男神。
40. Nowadays, girls need not a prince, but a math-assisting god.

41.不在课堂上沉睡，就在酒桌上埋醉。
41. If not dozing in class, then getting drunk at the bar.

42.不挂科，我所欲也；不学习，亦我所欲也。二者不可兼得，我嘞个去也。
42. Not failing is what I desire; not studying is also what I desire. I can’t have both, so I’m off.

43.女人的性格完全取决于今天穿了什么类型的衣服。
43. A woman’s temperament completely depends on the type of clothes she wears today.

44.老鼠从不浪费晚上的时间，而我们人类却浪费了每天的三分之一。
44. Mice never waste their evenings, yet humans waste a third of every day.

45.据说所有屌丝最爱对女神说的话也可以总结为一副对联：上联：干嘛呢，哦没事，做个好梦早点睡。下联：外面冷，多穿点，玩的高兴别太晚。横批：他对你好吗？
45. It is said that the favorite phrases of all losers for goddesses can be summarized in a couplet: Upper: What are you doing? Oh, it’s nothing. Have a good dream and sleep early. Lower: It’s cold outside, wear more, and have fun but don’t stay out too late. Horizontal: Is he good to you?

46.我空有一身泡妞的本事 ，可惜自己是个妞！
46. I have all the skills to chase girls, but unfortunately, I am a girl myself!

47.你说你一天天干点儿什么不好，为啥非要害人呢？难道是看电视看多了对那些反派们心存仰慕？
47. Why do you have to do something bad every day? Is it because you watch too much TV and admire those villains?

48.便秘了的原因是地球引力太小。
48. The reason for constipation is that the Earth’s gravity is too small.

49.我又不是人民币，怎么能让人人都喜欢我？
49. I’m not a yuan, how can I be liked by everyone?

50.名花虽有主，我来松松土。
50. Although the famous flower has an owner, I’ll loosen the soil.

51.树不要皮，必死无疑；人不要脸，天下无敌。
51. A tree without bark is doomed to die; a person without shame is invincible.

52.今天想出来一个去图书馆找座位的绝招：步骤一：寻找一个有妹纸的座位；步骤二：递上事先准备好的纸条，上书：同学，我喜欢你很久了，希望和你交往；步骤三：如果妹纸马上收书包走人，那么，恭喜，有座位了；如果妹纸对你一笑，那么，恭喜，还上什么自习啊；当然，有极小几率。
52. Today I came up with a great idea to find a seat in the library: Step 1: Look for a seat with a girl; Step 2: Hand her a prepared note saying: “Classmate, I’ve liked you for a long time and hope to date you”; Step 3: If the girl packs up and leaves, congratulations, you have a seat; if she smiles at you, congratulations, why bother with self-study anymore; of course, there is a very small chance.

53.好久没有人把牛吹的这么清新了。
53. I haven’t heard such a fresh way of boasting for a long time.

54.等车的时候听到一老一少说: 快跑，路来了。
54. While waiting for the bus, I heard an old and a young person say: “Run quickly, the road is coming.”

55.人间最痛苦的不是生与死的离别，而是就要考试了，别人正在复习而我正在预习。
55. The most painful thing in the world is not the separation of life and death, but when the exam is coming, others are reviewing while I am just pre-reviewing.

56.舌头比牙齿更长寿，软件比硬件更加长久。
56. The tongue outlives the teeth, and software outlasts hardware.

57.青年靠什么混日子  青年靠什么混日子？头等青年靠出身，二等青年靠关系，三等青年靠天资，四等青年靠努力，五等青年耍文艺，六等青年打游戏，穷游，看美剧。
57. What do young people rely on to get by in life? First-class youth rely on their background, second-class youth on relationships, third-class youth on talent, fourth-class youth on effort, fifth-class youth on arts, sixth-class youth on playing games, traveling on a tight budget, and watching American TV series.

58.当年幸好是一个漂亮女人做了王后，照了魔镜之后发现唯独白雪公主比她漂亮，便拿了一个毒苹果要害死公主。换成是你的话，大概会排在第亿名开外，需要去农贸市场批发毒苹果，连起来能绕地球两圈。
58. Fortunately, it was a beautiful woman who became the queen and found out from the magic mirror that only Snow White was more beautiful than her, so she gave her a poisoned apple to kill the princess. If it were you, you would probably rank in the hundreds of millions, and you would have to buy poisoned apples in bulk from the agricultural market, enough to circle the Earth twice.

59.其实我很宅，只是宅在谁家里的问题。
59. In fact, I am a homebody, it’s just a matter of whose house I stay in.

60.新闻说：作为一个基层干部，人民的事就是自己的事。然后紧接着又说：自己的事再大都是小事。
60. The news said: As a grassroots cadre, the people’s concerns are my concerns. Then it immediately added: No matter how big my own concerns are, they are still small matters.

61.小时候喜欢枪，全身上下五块钱去买玩具枪，我：“老板，老板，我要买枪，多少钱一把？”老板：“你带了多少钱？”我：“五块，”老板：“五块一把。”
61. When I was a child, I liked guns and had five yuan on me to buy a toy gun. Me: “Boss, boss, I want to buy a gun, how much is it?” Boss: “How much money do you have?” Me: “Five yuan,” Boss: “Five yuan each.”

62.借朋友的车开，朋友说还的时候要给车加油。还车时，我冲车鼓了鼓掌,心中充满喜悦。
62. I borrowed a friend’s car and was told to refuel it when returning it. When I returned the car, I clapped for the car, feeling joyful inside.

63.宅男宅女标准：在床上以电脑为圆心，以胳膊长为半径拿取物品活动。
63. The standard for homebodies: using the computer as the center and the length of your arm as the radius to reach for items and move around.

64.现在，一个月能挣斤猪肉的勉强算白领。
64. Nowadays, someone who can earn a catty of pork in a month can barely be considered a white-collar worker.

65.男人的谎言可以骗女人一夜，女人的谎言可以骗男人一生！
65. A man’s lie can deceive a woman for one night, while a woman’s lie can deceive a man for a lifetime!

66.从小学到大学，唯一不变的就是一颗不想念书的心。
66. From elementary school to university, the only thing that remains unchanged is the heart that doesn’t want to study.

67.我趴着是日地球，躺着是日宇宙！
67. When I lie down, I make love to the Earth; when I lie on my back, I make love to the universe!

68.真的不知道说你什么好了，跟你说话真的有拉低我智商的节奏。你这样真的好吗？反正我是不忍直视了，不要以为全世界都得绕着你转，你又不是人民币，凭什么让每个人都喜欢你。还是省省吧！先看清楚自己的熊样！
68. I really don’t know what to say about you. Talking to you seems to lower my IQ. Is this really okay? Anyway, I can’t bear to look directly at you. Don’t think the whole world has to revolve around you. You’re not the renminbi; why should everyone like you? Just save it! First, take a good look at yourself!

69.上学去火车站买票，可能咱天生猥琐不像好人，一中年大妈跑过来搭讪，兄弟，玩玩吧，价钱便宜姑娘贼漂亮。我没工夫理她，她可能很久没开张不死心的跟我唠唠叨叨。我拿出学生证，证明身份，我说我是学生。见她一犹豫本以为这事完了呢。刚要走一把拉住我，学生好，有学生证我们可以半价嘛。
69. Going to the train station to buy a ticket, maybe I look naturally creepy and not like a good person, an middle-aged woman came over to chat: “Hey, buddy, want some fun? It’s cheap and the girls are gorgeous.” I didn’t have time to deal with her, but she probably hadn’t made any sales in a long time and wouldn’t give up, nagging me non-stop. I took out my student ID to prove my identity and said I was a student. Seeing her hesitate, I thought it was over. Just as I was about to leave, she grabbed me and said, “Students are great, with a student ID we can get a half-price discount!”

70.只有在火车站大排长龙时，才能真正意识到自己是“龙的传人”。
70. Only when you’re in a long line at the train station can you truly realize that you are a “descendant of the dragon.”

71.风情万种的女人是打火机，不解风情的女人是灭火器。
71. A charming woman is a lighter, while a woman who doesn’t understand charm is a fire extinguisher.

72.老师，我们班没有美女，叫我如何有动力来学校呢。
72. Teacher, there are no beautiful girls in our class; how can I be motivated to come to school?

73.人生没有彩排，每天都是直播，不仅收视率低，而且工资不高。
73. Life has no rehearsals; every day is a live broadcast. Not only is the ratings low, but the salary is also not high.

74.面对我前面的人群，我得穿过而且潇洒，我知道你在旁边上看着，挺假…
74. Facing the crowd in front of me, I have to pass through and be cool, knowing that you’re watching from the side, it’s quite fake…

75.有妞不泡，大逆不道；遇妞则泡，替天行道。
75. Not chasing after girls is a great sin; encountering girls and chasing after them is doing heaven’s will.

76.儿子看爸爸戴表就问:爸爸能能给我买表。爸爸说:不行，长大才能戴。儿子想，大人才能戴表，难怪有人大代表。
76. The son saw his father wearing a watch and asked: “Dad, can you buy me a watch?” The father replied: “No, you can only wear a watch when you grow up.” The son thought, only adults can wear watches; no wonder there are people’s congress representatives.

77.人生最大的痛苦是经历了风雨没看到彩虹，结果感冒了
77. The greatest pain in life is going through trials and hardships without seeing a rainbow, and ending up catching a cold.

78.未来的某一天，你会发现，十八岁时你放得一个屁，都是香的。
78. One day in the future, you will find that a fart you let out at the age of 18 still smelled sweet.

79.天塌下来你顶着，我垫着！
79. If the sky falls, you hold it up, and I’ll pad it!

80.你说你，一没家庭变故，二没童年阴影，三没患绝症，四没飞来横祸，五没政治迫害，你有什么资格整天忧伤这个难过那个蛋疼的要死，不就是丑了点胖了点矮了点没有钱没有特长没有男女朋友没什么好朋友而已嘛！
80. You have no family tragedies, no childhood shadows, no terminal illnesses, no sudden disasters, no political persecutions, so what qualifications do you have to be sad and upset all day long, as if you were dying from the pain? It’s just that you’re a bit ugly, fat, short, have no money, no special skills, no boyfriend or girlfriend, and no good friends, that’s all!

81.股民赚钱都是听到的，亏钱都是自己碰到的。牛市来的时候不相信，熊市来的时候不承认。
81. Stock market profits are all heard of, while losses are always encountered. People don’t believe in bull markets, and they don’t admit to bear markets.

82.第一次听到“我爱你”时想哭，第二次听到“我爱你”时想笑，第三次听到“我爱你”哭笑不得。
82. The first time I heard “I love you,” I wanted to cry; the second time I heard “I love you,” I wanted to laugh; the third time I heard “I love you,” I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh.

83.农夫三拳有点疼。
83. The farmer’s three punches hurt a bit.

84.女生不好以为长得好就能够不读书，男生不好以为书读的好就能够长得难看。
84. Girls shouldn’t think that just because they look good, they can skip studying; boys shouldn’t think that just because they study well, they can be ugly.

85.麦兜暗恋的是谁？答案：机器猫。因为《麦兜响（想）叮当》。
85. Who does Mcdull have a crush on? The answer is Doraemon, because “Mcdull’s (Thinks of) Ding Dong.”

86.给我一张你的靓照呗，回家辟邪用。
86. Give me a nice picture of yours, I’ll use it to ward off evil spirits at home.

87.万事不求人，肯定不是人。
87. If someone says they don’t need help from others, they must not be human.

88.一个四岁的男孩亲了三岁的女孩一口！女孩对男孩说：“你亲了我可要对我负责啊。”男孩成熟地拍了拍女孩的肩膀，笑着说：“你放心，我都四岁了，又不是一两岁的小孩子了”。
88. A four-year-old boy kissed a three-year-old girl! The girl said to the boy, “You kissed me, so you have to be responsible for me.” The boy maturely patted the girl’s shoulder and said with a smile, “Don’t worry, I’m already four years old, not a one or two-year-old kid anymore.”

89.晚上十二点后睡觉等于慢性自杀，不吃早餐等于慢性自杀，经常烧烤等于慢性自杀，手机小时开机等于慢性自杀，长期呆室内等于慢性自杀，过多抱怨等于慢性自杀，缺乏锻炼等于慢性自杀。我突然发现，我一天啥都没干，光TM自杀了！
89. Going to bed after midnight is like慢性自杀 (chronic suicide), skipping breakfast is like慢性自杀 (chronic suicide), frequent barbecuing is like慢性自杀 (chronic suicide), keeping your phone on for hours is like慢性自杀 (chronic suicide), staying indoors for long periods is like慢性自杀 (chronic suicide), complaining too much is like慢性自杀 (chronic suicide), and lack of exercise is like慢性自杀 (chronic suicide). I suddenly realized that I didn’t do anything all day, just TM committing慢性自杀 (chronic suicide)!

90.今天一群曰本人来我校参观——说实话，这是我第一次看到穿衣服的曰本人！
90. Today, a group of Japanese people came to our school for a visit - to be honest, this is the first time I’ve seen Japanese people wearing clothes!

91.你的抑郁症是矫情，你的拖延症是懒，你的强迫症是闲的蛋疼，你的失眠是根本不困。
91. Your depression is just melodramatic, your procrastination is due to laziness, your OCD is a result of having too much free time, and your insomnia is simply because you’re not sleepy.

92.有钱杀人不偿命，沒钱淘气也坐牢。
92. The rich can kill without facing the death penalty, while the poor can’t even get away with being mischievous and end up in jail.

93.这个冬天不太冷，因为我们有广州地铁，每天两趟，暖身驱寒。这年头免费的东西不多了，奥运你错过了，世博你错过了，亚运不要再错过。世界上最遥远的距离不是生与死，而是我在地铁上你却没有挤上来。
93. This winter isn’t too cold because we have the Guangzhou subway, running twice a day to warm us up and ward off the cold. These days, there aren’t many things that are free, and if you’ve missed the Olympics, the World Expo, and now don’t catch the Asian Games, the farthest distance in the world won’t be between life and death, but rather me being on the subway while you fail to get on.

94.据统计“要好好学习”是用的最多的分手理由。
94. According to statistics, “We need to focus on our studies” is the most commonly used breakup reason.

95.你的小男朋友根本是佛地魔外加海贼王里面小丑巴基的咕噜人哈比人，他根本就是天堂里面的级魔法妖精。
95. Your little boyfriend is basically a combination of Lord Voldemort, the Jester Baki from One Piece, and the goblin from the Lord of the Rings – he’s essentially a top-tier magical sprite from heaven.

96.我并不是每天下班的时候都数星星，有时也能看日出。
96. I don’t count stars every day after work; sometimes I can also watch the sunrise.

97.给我一个你的银行帐号，我现在还你的钱——收到这条短信，当时感动的一塌糊涂。
97. Give me your bank account number, and I will repay you now – upon receiving this text message, I was incredibly touched at that moment.

98.平安夜快到了，平安夜那天，谁送我个苹果，我就送谁苹果。
98. Christmas Eve is approaching; on Christmas Eve, whoever gives me an apple, I will give that person an apple in return.

99.今天看书，看到康熙皇帝在二十三岁的时候已经贵为一国之君，绩伟功丰，我很沮丧；但又看到同治皇帝在二十三岁时已经死了四年了，我平衡了。
99. Today, while reading, I learned that Emperor Kangxi was a sovereign of a nation at the age of 23 with impressive achievements; this made me feel disheartened. But then I found out that Emperor Tongzhi had been dead for four years by the time he was 23, which made me feel better.

100.不要和我比懒，我懒得和你比。
100. Don’t try to outdo me in laziness; I’m too lazy to compete with you.

1.喝醉了我谁也不服，我就扶墙！
1. When I’m drunk, I refuse to acknowledge anyone; I’ll just lean on the wall!

2.老婆：你说我婚前美得像一部电影，啥电影啊？老公：无声电影……。
2. Wife: You said I was as beautiful as a movie before marriage, what movie? Husband: A silent movie…

3.老师说一个错题就是一种财富，我看了看我的卷子，才发现原来我是土豪。
3. The teacher said that a wrong answer is a kind of wealth. I looked at my paper and realized I was a rich man.

4.女人心目中理想的男人，其实就是：有事关云长，无事西门庆。
4. The ideal man in a woman’s mind is actually: Guan Yu when there’s trouble, and Ximen Qing when there’s none.

5.我男朋友不吸烟，不喝酒，不打架，不存在。
5. My boyfriend doesn’t smoke, drink, or fight, but he doesn’t exist.

6.女人安慰女人时往往说自己很惨；男人安慰男人时往往说另一个男人很惨。
6. When comforting each other, women often talk about their own misfortunes; men, on the other hand, often talk about the misfortunes of another man.

7.当面夸一女同学：你真是清水出芙蓉！
7. Compliment a female classmate face to face: You are truly a natural beauty!

8.刚毕业后会有期；毕业一年后会有妻；后来后悔有妻；再后来会有后妻；最后悔有后妻。
8. After graduation, there will be a period; one year after graduation, there will be a wife; later regret having a wife; then regret having a second wife; and finally regret having a second wife.

9.我正被川大强奸着，现在我唯一能做的就是最大限度地把姿势摆对！
9. I am being raped by Sichuan University, and the only thing I can do now is to try my best to get into the right position!

10.嫦娥，你就从了天蓬吧，你看玉帝都老成啥样了！
10. Chang’e, just give in to Tian Peng. Look at how old the Jade Emperor has become!

11.好朋友就是两人无缘无故互望一眼就二逼的笑了！
11. Good friends are those who can just look at each other for no reason and start laughing like idiots!

12.做白领，就得多备几件白衬衫，一来职业，二来容易暴露胸罩颜色！
12. To be a white-collar worker, one must prepare several white shirts, as they are professional and easily reveal the color of the bra!

14.过去一直喜欢她的胸怀宽广，其实那也无非是一片飞机场！
14. In the past, I always admired her broad-mindedness, but in fact, it was nothing more than an airport runway!

15.好久不贱啊贱客，听说你练成人贱合一了？
15. Long time no see, my dear scoundrel! I heard you’ve mastered the art of being a scoundrel!

16.男人忽悠女人，叫调戏；女人忽悠男人，叫勾引；男女相互忽悠，叫爱情。
16. When a man deceives a woman, it’s called teasing; when a woman deceives a man, it’s called seducing; when both men and women deceive each other, it’s called love.

17.上学迟到的路上你最希望看到的是什么？答：其他迟到的同学！
17. What do you most want to see on your way to school when you’re late? Answer: Other late students!

18.有人在车上分娩，有人在地铁怀孕，北京真是个充满生机的城市…
18. Some people give birth in cars, some get pregnant on the subway; Beijing is truly a city full of vitality…

19.要不是为挣钱，脸要来做什么…
19. If not for making money, what’s the use of having a face?

20.你们也不能太侮辱周正龙的智慧，至少他自己没顶片树叶，然后宣称自己是华南虎！
20. You guys can’t insult Zhou Zhenglong’s wisdom too much; at least he didn’t put a leaf on his head and claim to be a South China Tiger!

21.今天早上出地铁站的时候自动扶梯发生故障，我被困在上面一个多小时，所以迟到了。
21. This morning, when I was leaving the subway station, the escalator broke down, and I was trapped on it for more than an hour, so I was late.

22.当我看见美女的时候，首先摸摸兜里，看看有没有钱！
22. When I see a beautiful woman, I first check my pocket to see if I have any money!

23.避孕药的有效期三年，避孕套的有效期五年。很多时候，药和套还没有过期，爱情就已经过期了。
23. The expiration date of birth control pills is three years, and that of condoms is five years. Many times, the pills and condoms haven’t expired, but love has already expired.

24.亲爱的，死没？死的话抱紧我，好让收尸的知道我们是一对儿！
24. Darling, are you dead? If you’re dead, hold me tight so that the undertaker knows we are a couple!

25.世上只有一句话骗我一千万遍我也会相信，那就是：老师来了！
25. There’s only one sentence in the world that I would believe even if it deceived me a million times: “The teacher is coming!”

26.微信就是牛逼，硬是把手机搞成对讲机。
26. WeChat is amazing, turning a mobile phone into a walkie-talkie.

27.还是会想起那年夏天，他满身大汉的样子
27. I still remember that summer when he was sweating all over.

28.百年修得同船渡，千年修得上下铺。
28. It takes a hundred years of cultivation to share a boat ride, and a thousand years to share an upper and lower bunk.

29.有人问我皮肤为什么黑 ，真搞笑 一白遮百丑 ，你白是为了遮丑， 我又不丑。
29. When people ask me why my skin is dark, it’s hilarious. “One white covers a hundred uglinesses.” You whiten to cover your ugliness, but I’m not ugly.

30.一口不能吃个胖子，但胖子却是一口一口吃出来的！
30. You can’t eat a fat person in one bite, but a fat person is eaten bite by bite!

31.老婆是操作系统，一但安装卸载十分麻烦；小秘是桌面，只要你有兴趣可以天天更换；情人是互联网，风光无限花钱不断；小姐是盗版软件，用时记着先杀毒。
31. A wife is like an operating system; it’s very troublesome to install and uninstall. A secretary is like a desktop; you can change it every day if you’re interested. A lover is like the internet, with endless scenery and constant spending. A prostitute is like pirated software; remember to scan for viruses before using it.

32.黄瓜在于拍，人生在于嗨。
32. The essence of cucumber lies in slapping, and the essence of life lies in having fun.

33.人又不聪明，还学人家秃顶！！
33. You’re not even smart, yet you’re trying to be bald like others!

34.讲道理的人里头，有些话不能不信，但又不能全信。一是专家，一是算命的。
34. Among reasonable people, there are some words that you can’t help but believe, but you can’t believe them entirely. These are the words of experts and fortune-tellers.

35.我以神的姿态，闪耀在这美的瞬间，凡人勿扰。
35. I shine in this beautiful moment with a divine posture; do not disturb me, mortals.

36.苦藤老树昏鸦，学校食堂涨价，同学饿成瘦马。夕阳西下，麻麻我要回家。
36. Bitter vines, old trees, and dusk crows; the school cafeteria raises prices, and students become skinny horses. As the sun sets in the west, Mom, I want to go home.

37.我一直都守在你身边，也一再为你担心，今天你吃得饱吗？睡得好吗？深夜会冷吗？我向来都知道你就是不会照顾自己，每当我一走开，你就从猪栏跳出去。
37. I have always been by your side, and I worry about you again and again. Did you eat well today? Did you sleep well? Will you be cold in the deep night? I’ve always known that you can’t take care of yourself. Every time I leave, you jump out of the pigsty.

38.人总是爱欺骗自己，因为那比期骗别人更容易。
38. People always love to deceive themselves because it’s easier than deceiving others.

39.让我在这里低调的喊一句，你的过去我来不及参与，你的未来打死我也不想参与了。
39. Let me shout quietly here: I didn’t have time to participate in your past, and I don’t want to be involved in your future even if you beat me to death.

40.现在的女孩需要的不是王子，需要的是能辅佐数学的男神。
40. Today’s girls don’t need a prince; they need a math-assisting god.

41.不在课堂上沉睡，就在酒桌上埋醉。
41. If not dozing in class, then getting drunk at the bar.

42.不挂科，我所欲也；不学习，亦我所欲也。二者不可兼得，我嘞个去也。
42. Not failing, I desire; not studying, I also desire. I cannot have both, so I’m off.

43.女人的性格完全取决于今天穿了什么类型的衣服。
43. A woman’s personality completely depends on the type of clothes she wears today.

44.老鼠从不浪费晚上的时间，而我们人类却浪费了每天的三分之一。
44. Mice never waste their evenings, while humans waste a third of every day.

45.据说所有屌丝最爱对女神说的话也可以总结为一副对联：上联：干嘛呢，哦没事，做个好梦早点睡。下联：外面冷，多穿点，玩的高兴别太晚。横批：他对你好吗？
45. It is said that all the favorite phrases of the “losers” for their goddesses can be summarized in a couplet: Upper couplet: What are you doing? Oh, it’s nothing. Have a good dream and go to bed early. Lower couplet: It’s cold outside, wear more, and have fun without staying up too late. Horizontal scroll: Is he good to you?

46.我空有一身泡妞的本事 ，可惜自己是个妞！
46. I have all the skills to chase girls, but unfortunately, I am a girl myself!

47.你说你一天天干点儿什么不好，为啥非要害人呢？难道是看电视看多了对那些反派们心存仰慕？
47. Why do you have to do something bad every day? Is it because you watch too much TV and admire the villains?

48.便秘了的原因是地球引力太小。
48. The reason for constipation is that the Earth’s gravity is too small.

49.我又不是人民币，怎么能让人人都喜欢我？
49. I’m not the Chinese currency, how can I be liked by everyone?

50.名花虽有主，我来松松土。
50. Although the famous flower has its owner, I’ll loosen the soil.

51.树不要皮，必死无疑；人不要脸，天下无敌。
51. A tree without bark is doomed to die; a person without shame is invincible in the world.

52.今天想出来一个去图书馆找座位的绝招：步骤一：寻找一个有妹纸的座位；步骤二：递上事先准备好的纸条，上书：同学，我喜欢你很久了，希望和你交往；步骤三：如果妹纸马上收书包走人，那么，恭喜，有座位了；如果妹纸对你一笑，那么，恭喜，还上什么自习啊；当然，有极小几率。
52. Today, I came up with a great idea to find a seat in the library: Step 1: Look for a seat with a girl; Step 2: Hand over a prepared note, which says: Classmate, I have liked you for a long time and hope to be in a relationship with you; Step 3: If the girl packs up and leaves immediately, congratulations, you have a seat; if the girl smiles at you, congratulations, why bother with self-study anymore; of course, there is a very small chance.

53.好久没有人把牛吹的这么清新了。
53. I haven’t heard someone brag so refreshingly for a long time.

54.等车的时候听到一老一少说: 快跑，路来了。
54. While waiting for the bus, I heard an old and a young person say: Run quickly, the road is coming.

55.人间最痛苦的不是生与死的离别，而是就要考试了，别人正在复习而我正在预习。
55. The most painful thing in the world is not the separation of life and death, but the upcoming exam when others are reviewing and I am just pre-reviewing.

56.舌头比牙齿更长寿，软件比硬件更加长久。
56. The tongue outlives the teeth, and software outlasts hardware.

57.青年靠什么混日子  青年靠什么混日子？头等青年靠出身，二等青年靠关系，三等青年靠天资，四等青年靠努力，五等青年耍文艺，六等青年打游戏，穷游，看美剧。
57. What do young people rely on to get by? First-class youth rely on their background, second-class youth rely on relationships, third-class youth rely on talent, fourth-class youth rely on hard work, fifth-class youth indulge in arts, sixth-class youth play games, travel on a tight budget, and watch American TV series.

58.当年幸好是一个漂亮女人做了王后，照了魔镜之后发现唯独白雪公主比她漂亮，便拿了一个毒苹果要害死公主。换成是你的话，大概会排在第亿名开外，需要去农贸市场批发毒苹果，连起来能绕地球两圈。
58. Fortunately, it was a beautiful woman who became the queen and found out that only Snow White was more beautiful than her after looking into the magic mirror, so she gave a poisoned apple to kill the princess. If it were you, you would probably rank in the hundreds of millions, and you would have to go to the agricultural market to buy poisoned apples in bulk, enough to circle the Earth twice.

59.其实我很宅，只是宅在谁家里的问题。
59. In fact, I am very much of a homebody, it’s just a matter of whose house I am staying in.

60.新闻说：作为一个基层干部，人民的事就是自己的事。然后紧接着又说：自己的事再大都是小事。
60. The news said: As a grassroots cadre, the people’s concerns are one’s own concerns. Then it immediately added: One’s own concerns, no matter how big, are trivial matters.

61.小时候喜欢枪，全身上下五块钱去买玩具枪，我：“老板，老板，我要买枪，多少钱一把？”老板：“你带了多少钱？”我：“五块，”老板：“五块一把。”
61. When I was a child, I liked guns and had five yuan on me to buy a toy gun. Me: “Boss, boss, I want to buy a gun, how much is it?” Boss: “How much money do you have?” Me: “Five yuan,” Boss: “Five yuan each.”

62.借朋友的车开，朋友说还的时候要给车加油。还车时，我冲车鼓了鼓掌,心中充满喜悦。
62. I borrowed a friend’s car and was told to refuel it when returning it. When I returned the car, I clapped for the car, filled with joy.

63.宅男宅女标准：在床上以电脑为圆心，以胳膊长为半径拿取物品活动。
63. The standard for homebodies: staying in bed with the computer as the center, and using the length of your arm as the radius to reach for items and move around.

64.现在，一个月能挣斤猪肉的勉强算白领。
64. Nowadays, those who can earn a catty of pork in a month are barely considered white-collar workers.

65.男人的谎言可以骗女人一夜，女人的谎言可以骗男人一生！
65. A man’s lie can deceive a woman for one night, while a woman’s lie can deceive a man for a lifetime!

66.从小学到大学，唯一不变的就是一颗不想念书的心。
66. From primary school to university, the only thing that remains unchanged is the heart that doesn’t want to study.

67.我趴着是日地球，躺着是日宇宙！
67. When I lie on my stomach, I am making love to the Earth; when I lie on my back, I am making love to the universe!

68.真的不知道说你什么好了，跟你说话真的有拉低我智商的节奏。你这样真的好吗？反正我是不忍直视了，不要以为全世界都得绕着你转，你又不是人民币，凭什么让每个人都喜欢你。还是省省吧！先看清楚自己的熊样！
68. I really don’t know what to say about you. Talking to you really seems to lower my IQ. Is this really good for you? Anyway, I can’t bear to look directly at you. Don’t think the whole world has to revolve around you. You’re not the Chinese currency, why should everyone like you? Just save it! First, take a good look at your own appearance!

69.上学去火车站买票，可能咱天生猥琐不像好人，一中年大妈跑过来搭讪，兄弟，玩玩吧，价钱便宜姑娘贼漂亮。我没工夫理她，她可能很久没开张不死心的跟我唠唠叨叨。我拿出学生证，证明身份，我说我是学生。见她一犹豫本以为这事完了呢。刚要走一把拉住我，学生好，有学生证我们可以半价嘛。
69. Going to the train station to buy a ticket, I might look inherently creepy and not like a good person. An middle-aged woman came over to chat, “Hey, buddy, want some fun? It’s cheap and the girls are gorgeous.” I didn’t have time to deal with her, but she probably hadn’t made any sales in a long time and insisted on nagging at me. I took out my student ID to prove my identity and said I was a student. When I saw her hesitate, I thought it was over. Just as I was about to leave, she grabbed me and said, “Students are great, with a student ID we can get a half-price discount.”

70.只有在火车站大排长龙时，才能真正意识到自己是“龙的传人”。
70. Only when you’re in a long line at the train station can you truly realize that you are the “descendant of the dragon.”

71.风情万种的女人是打火机，不解风情的女人是灭火器。
71. A woman full of charm is like a lighter, while a woman who doesn’t understand charm is like a fire extinguisher.

72.老师，我们班没有美女，叫我如何有动力来学校呢。
72. Teacher, there are no beautiful girls in our class, how can I be motivated to come to school?

73.人生没有彩排，每天都是直播，不仅收视率低，而且工资不高。
73. Life has no rehearsals, every day is a live broadcast, not only is the viewership low, but the salary is also not high.

74.面对我前面的人群，我得穿过而且潇洒，我知道你在旁边上看着，挺假…
74. Facing the crowd in front of me, I have to pass through and look cool. I know you’re watching from the side, it’s quite fake…

75.有妞不泡，大逆不道；遇妞则泡，替天行道。
75. Not chasing after girls is a great sin; chasing after girls is doing heaven’s will.

76.儿子看爸爸戴表就问:爸爸能能给我买表。爸爸说:不行，长大才能戴。儿子想，大人才能戴表，难怪有人大代表。
76. The son saw his father wearing a watch and asked, “Dad, can you buy me a watch?” The father said, “No, you can only wear a watch when you grow up.” The son thought, only adults can wear watches, no wonder there are people’s congress representatives.

77.人生最大的痛苦是经历了风雨没看到彩虹，结果感冒了
77. The greatest pain in life is going through trials and hardships without seeing a rainbow, and ending up with a cold.

78.未来的某一天，你会发现，十八岁时你放得一个屁，都是香的。
78. One day in the future, you will find that a fart you let out at the age of eighteen still smells good.

79.天塌下来你顶着，我垫着！
79. If the sky falls, you hold it up while I’ll cushion it!

80.你说你，一没家庭变故，二没童年阴影，三没患绝症，四没飞来横祸，五没政治迫害，你有什么资格整天忧伤这个难过那个蛋疼的要死，不就是丑了点胖了点矮了点没有钱没有特长没有男女朋友没什么好朋友而已嘛！
80. You have no family tragedies, no childhood shadows, no terminal illnesses, no sudden disasters, no political persecutions, what qualifications do you have to be sad and upset all day long, as if you were dying from the pain? It’s just that you’re a bit ugly, fat, short, have no money, no special skills, no boyfriend or girlfriend, and no good friends, that’s all!

81.股民赚钱都是听到的，亏钱都是自己碰到的。牛市来的时候不相信，熊市来的时候不承认。
81. When stock market investors make money, it’s what they hear about, but when they lose money, it’s what they experience themselves. They don’t believe it when the bull market comes, and they don’t admit it when the bear market arrives.

82.第一次听到“我爱你”时想哭，第二次听到“我爱你”时想笑，第三次听到“我爱你”哭笑不得。
82. The first time I heard “I love you,” I wanted to cry; the second time I heard “I love you,” I wanted to laugh; the third time I heard “I love you,” I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh.

83.农夫三拳有点疼。
83. A farmer’s three punches hurt a bit.

84.女生不好以为长得好就能够不读书，男生不好以为书读的好就能够长得难看。
84. Girls shouldn’t think that just because they look good, they can avoid studying; boys shouldn’t think that just because they study well, they can be ugly.

85.麦兜暗恋的是谁？答案：机器猫。因为《麦兜响（想）叮当》。
85. Who does Mcdull have a crush on? The answer is: Doraemon. Because “Mcdull’s Ring (Think) Doraemon.”

86.给我一张你的靓照呗，回家辟邪用。
86. Give me a nice picture of yours, I’ll use it to ward off evil spirits when I go home.

87.万事不求人，肯定不是人。
87. To do everything without asking for help, you must definitely not be human.

88.一个四岁的男孩亲了三岁的女孩一口！女孩对男孩说：“你亲了我可要对我负责啊。”男孩成熟地拍了拍女孩的肩膀，笑着说：“你放心，我都四岁了，又不是一两岁的小孩子了”。
88. A four-year-old boy kissed a three-year-old girl! The girl said to the boy, “You kissed me, so you have to be responsible for me.” The boy patted the girl’s shoulder maturely and said with a smile, “Don’t worry, I’m already four years old, not a one or two-year-old kid anymore.”

89.晚上十二点后睡觉等于慢性自杀，不吃早餐等于慢性自杀，经常烧烤等于慢性自杀，手机小时开机等于慢性自杀，长期呆室内等于慢性自杀，过多抱怨等于慢性自杀，缺乏锻炼等于慢性自杀。我突然发现，我一天啥都没干，光TM自杀了！
89. Going to bed after midnight is like慢性自杀 (chronic suicide), skipping breakfast is like慢性自杀 (chronic suicide), frequent barbecues are like慢性自杀 (chronic suicide), keeping your phone on for hours is like慢性自杀 (chronic suicide), staying indoors for long periods is like慢性自杀 (chronic suicide), complaining too much is like慢性自杀 (chronic suicide), and lack of exercise is like慢性自杀 (chronic suicide). I suddenly realized that I didn’t do anything all day, just TM自杀 (committing suicide)!

90.今天一群曰本人来我校参观——说实话，这是我第一次看到穿衣服的曰本人！
90. Today, a group of Japanese people came to our school for a visit – to be honest, this is the first time I’ve seen Japanese people wearing clothes!

91.你的抑郁症是矫情，你的拖延症是懒，你的强迫症是闲的蛋疼，你的失眠是根本不困。
91. Your depression is just a fuss, your procrastination is due to laziness, your OCD is a result of having too much free time, and your insomnia is simply because you’re not sleepy.

92.有钱杀人不偿命，沒钱淘气也坐牢。
92. The rich can kill without paying the price, while the poor cannot even afford to be mischievous without going to jail.

93.这个冬天不太冷，因为我们有广州地铁，每天两趟，暖身驱寒。这年头免费的东西不多了，奥运你错过了，世博你错过了，亚运不要再错过。世界上最遥远的距离不是生与死，而是我在地铁上你却没有挤上来。
93. This winter isn’t too cold, because we have the Guangzhou subway, two trips a day, warming our bodies and chasing away the cold. These days, there aren’t many free things left. You missed the Olympics, you missed the World Expo, don’t miss the Asian Games. The furthest distance in the world is not between life and death, but rather when I’m on the subway and you can’t even squeeze yourself in.

94.据统计“要好好学习”是用的最多的分手理由。
94. According to statistics, “We need to focus on our studies” is the most commonly used breakup reason.

95.你的小男朋友根本是佛地魔外加海贼王里面小丑巴基的咕噜人哈比人，他根本就是天堂里面的级魔法妖精。
95. Your little boyfriend is basically a combination of Voldemort and the Jester Baki from One Piece, and he’s also a magical elf in heaven.

96.我并不是每天下班的时候都数星星，有时也能看日出。
96. I don’t count stars every day after work; sometimes I can also watch the sunrise.

97.给我一个你的银行帐号，我现在还你的钱——收到这条短信，当时感动的一塌糊涂。
97. Give me your bank account number, and I will repay you now - I was so touched when I received this text message.

98.平安夜快到了，平安夜那天，谁送我个苹果，我就送谁苹果。
98. Christmas Eve is approaching, and on Christmas Eve, whoever gives me an apple, I will give that person an apple in return.

99.今天看书，看到康熙皇帝在二十三岁的时候已经贵为一国之君，绩伟功丰，我很沮丧；但又看到同治皇帝在二十三岁时已经死了四年了，我平衡了。
99. Today, reading about Emperor Kangxi, I felt depressed knowing he was already an accomplished ruler at 23, but then I read that Emperor Tongzhi had been dead for four years by the time he was 23, and I felt better.

1.知道你过得不好，我也就安心了。
1. Knowing that you’re not doing well brings me comfort.

2.所谓放假就是在家挨骂，出门没钱，一天特闲。
2. So-called holidays mean getting scolded at home, being broke when going out, and having nothing to do all day.

3.哗众可以取宠，也可以失宠。
3. Seeking public attention can either win you favor or cost you favor.

4.对我来说，你是黑暗中的灯泡，饥饿中的面包，冬天里的棉袄，夏天里的雪糕。你是我今生唯一的宝。
4. To me, you are the light bulb in the dark, the bread in hunger, the cotton-padded coat in winter, and the ice cream in summer. You are the only treasure of my life.

5.他讲的笑话是如此地好笑，以至于大家不得不看一场悲剧才能让心情稍稍得以平静。
5. The jokes he told were so funny that everyone had to watch a tragedy to calm down a bit.

6.性感吗？  有次去厕所，正好我妈在里边换内衣，看见我，抬头来了句：性感吗？
6. Sexy? Once I went to the bathroom, and my mom happened to be changing her underwear inside. When she saw me, she looked up and said, “Sexy?”

7.生活一定要五颜六色，但绝不能乱七八糟。
7. Life must be colorful, but it must not be messy.

8.洗澡中，请勿打扰，偷窥请购票，个体四十，团体八折！
8. Do not disturb during shower, peeping please buy a ticket, individual 40, group 20% discount!

9.老爸：你年龄不小了，是时候找老婆了我：人海茫茫，我找哪个的老婆啊……。
9. Dad: You’re not young anymore, it’s time to find a wife. Me: In such a vast sea of people, whose wife should I look for?

10.宅男，只要一停电，就会退化成穴居人。
10. For a shut-in, a power outage turns them back into a caveman.

11.班主任是什么？班主任就是一个破坏完你友情，再破坏你爱情，还不放过你亲情的人。
11. What is a head teacher? A head teacher is someone who destroys your friendships, then your love life, and still doesn’t spare your family bonds.

12.脑袋笨不是你的错，但脑袋进水就是你的不对了！
12. It’s not your fault for being slow-witted, but it’s your mistake for having water on the brain.

13.新世纪女性：上得了厅堂，下得了厨房，写得了代码，查得出异常，杀得了木马，翻得了围墙，开得起好车，买得起新房，斗得过二奶，打得过流氓…
13. New-century women: Capable of handling social events, cooking in the kitchen, writing code, detecting anomalies, killing Trojans, climbing walls, driving good cars, buying new houses, outsmarting mistresses, and defeating hooligans.

14.四年前，要是有女生冲我莫名其妙发脾气，我会默默想“淡定，她是来大姨妈了”。四年后，再有女孩莫名其妙冲我发脾气，我会默默想“淡定，她一定是大姨妈没有按时来。”
14. Four years ago, if a girl acted irrationally towards me, I would think calmly, “She must be on her period.” Four years later, if a girl acts irrationally again, I would think calmly, “She must have missed her period.”

15.男人违章停车被罚款会和警察吵一架，女人在一边劝；女人违章停车被罚款会和身边的男人吵一架，警察在一边劝。
15. When a man gets a parking ticket and argues with the police, a woman will try to persuade him; when a woman gets a parking ticket and argues with the man next to her, the police will try to persuade her.

16.提前交卷的唯一原因是周围的人没有利用价值了。
16. The only reason to turn in an exam early is that the people around you have no value to exploit.

17.剪完头理发师问怎么样，我沉默了一会儿对他说了句：你开心就好。
17. After getting a haircut, the barber asked how it looked, and I沉默ed for a moment before saying, “As long as you’re happy.”

18.土是用来挖的，坑是用来埋你的。
18. Dirt is for digging, and pits are for burying you.

19.剪了短发不一定是女王，也有可能是女神经。
19. Having short hair doesn’t necessarily make you a queen; it could also make you a madwoman.

20.如果有来生，我不做你的红颜，知己，爱人，不做你的任何人，我就做你的手机。那样你会每天把我捧在手里，贴在你的脸上，放在你的唇边，我知道你的一切了解你的所有，如果有一天你匆忙间把我忘在哪里了，你会着急的四处寻找，不是我粘着你，而是你离不开我，你若欺负我我便死机给你看！
20. If there is an afterlife, I won’t be your beauty, confidant, lover, or anyone else to you. I will be your mobile phone. That way, you will hold me in your hands every day, press me against your face, and place me by your lips. I will know everything about you and understand you completely. If one day you forget me somewhere in a hurry, you will search anxiously for me. It’s not that I’m clinging to you, but that you can’t live without me. If you mistreat me, I will crash and show you!

21.领导们和我们的区别就在于，他们走红地毯，而我们走斑马线。
21. The difference between leaders and us is that they walk on red carpets, while we walk on crosswalks.

22.初中时，一个同学叫李猜，一次上英语课英语老师问他叫什么名字，他说李猜，老师又问了一遍，他如是回答，英语老师大怒，狂吼一声：“我不猜”，全班暴笑！
22. In junior high, a classmate named Li Cai was asked by the English teacher what his name was. He said Li Cai, and when the teacher asked again, he answered the same. The English teacher became furious and shouted, “I won’t guess!” The whole class burst into laughter!

23.你以为我会眼睁睁地看着你去送死吗？我会闭上眼睛的！
23. Do you think I would watch you die without doing anything? I would close my eyes.

24.上课盼下课，上学盼放假，我的目标一直都很执着。
24. Looking forward to breaks during class, and looking forward to vacations during school; my goals have always been persistent.

25.上课老师叫我回答问题，我总会说：“老师你把答案念一遍，我看对不对。”
25. When the teacher asks me a question in class, I always say, “Teacher, read the answer out loud, and I’ll check if it’s correct.”

26.公交车上一位小伙子上车没有找到座位，就往后一只走，走到一位小朋友的面前。对小朋友说：“小朋友你是不是坐累了，坐累了告诉叔叔，叔叔替你坐会。”小朋友看了看叔叔说：“叔叔，你放心我能坚持住。”
26. On a bus, a young man got on and couldn’t find a seat, so he walked to the back and approached a child. He said to the child, “Are you tired from sitting? If you are, tell uncle, and I’ll sit for you.” The child looked at the uncle and said, “Uncle, don’t worry, I can hold on.”

27.没落的贵族一但穷困潦倒，他会生不如死；乞丐即使再破一次产也不会觉得痛苦。
27. A fallen noble, once impoverished, would feel more miserable than death; a beggar, even if they go bankrupt again, won’t feel any pain.

28.不要以为头上顶坨屎，自己就是金刚葫芦娃。
28. Don’t think that just because you have a turd on your head, you’re the mighty warrior from the Magic Cucumber娃。

29.工作，退一步海阔天空，爱情，退一步人去楼空。
29. Work, take a step back and the world is vast; love, take a step back and people leave, the building stands empty.

30.记住了这个季节对你不离不弃的只有蚊子…
30. Remember, in this season, the only ones who won’t leave you are mosquitoes…

31.鸳鸳相抱何时了，鸯在一边看热闹。
31. When will the mandarin ducks embrace each other, while the drake watches the excitement on the side.

32.不在放荡中变坏，就在沉默中变态。
32. If not becoming bad in indulgence, one will become abnormal in silence.

33.我真想亲口管你爷爷叫声：爹！
33. I really want to call your grandfather: Dad!

34.儿子早晨拖拖拉拉，背景歌。早晨，儿子在拉翔，我和老婆大人吃早饭。我：快点拉，一会儿迟到了。儿子不语。我：快点拉，我们都快吃完了！儿子：知道啦！老婆大人怒目而视。场景脑补。
34. In the morning, my son is dragging his feet. Background music. In the morning, my son is defecating while my wife and I have breakfast. Me: Hurry up, you’ll be late. Son remains silent. Me: Hurry up, we’re almost done eating! Son: I know! Wife glares angrily. Scene for your imagination.

35.一位白人到黑人区发表竞选演说，为了赢得黑人选民的支持，演说中他竟脱口而出：“虽然我的皮肤是白的，但心却和你们一样黑。”
35. A white man goes to a black neighborhood to give a campaign speech. In order to win the support of black voters, he blurts out during the speech, “Although my skin is white, my heart is as black as yours.”

36.男人的事业是建立在女人之上，婚前为了结婚而拼事业，婚后为了勾搭更多的女人再拼事业。
36. Men’s careers are built on women. Before marriage, they strive for a career to get married; after marriage, they strive for a career to seduce more women.

37.世界上最幸福的事，打炮；世界上最最幸福的事，歇一会，再打一炮。
37. The happiest thing in the world is to have sex; the happiest thing in the world is to take a break and have sex again.

38.以后老外考中文就让他们考四六级，文言文太简单，用毛笔答题，这是便宜他们，要惹急了哥，一人一把刻刀，一个龟壳，刻甲骨文。论文题目就叫论八股文，听力全用龚丽娜的歌，《忐忑》只听一遍，还告诉他这是中国人说话最正常的语速！阅读理解就用周易，口试要求唱昆曲，实验就考包饺子，切面条……。
38. In the future, when foreigners take the Chinese exam, let them take the CET-4 and CET-6. Classical Chinese is too simple. Use a brush to write answers on turtle shells. This is a favor to them. If they get annoyed, I’ll give each of them a carving knife and a turtle shell to carve oracle bone script. The thesis title will be “On the Eight-Part Essay.” The listening test will only use Gong Lina’s songs, “Guan Kan” to be heard only once, and tell them this is the normal speaking speed of Chinese people! Reading comprehension will use the I Ching, the oral test requires singing Kunqu opera, and the experiment will test making dumplings and cutting noodles…

39.我以为我很颓废，今天我才知道，原来我早报废了。
39. I thought I was decadent, but today I learned that I had already been scrapped.

40.自从我变成了狗屎，就再也没有人踩在我头上了。
40. Ever since I became dog feces, no one has stepped on my head anymore.

41.三人行必有我妻，选其美者而取之。
41. Among every group of three people, there must be my wife. Choose the prettiest one and take her.

42.一直在离梦想很远的地方漂泊，完美是个多么奢侈的念头，终于搜集了足够多的伤口，才懂得分的幸福已经足够。
42. Drifting far away from dreams, perfection is such a luxurious thought. Finally, after collecting enough wounds, I understand that the happiness of sharing is enough.

43.知识就像内裤，看不见但很重要。
43. Knowledge is like underwear, invisible but important.

44.人生在世屈指算，最多三万六千天；家有房屋千万所，睡觉就需三尺宽；总结起来四句话：说人好比盆中鲜花；生活就是一团乱麻，房子修的再好那也是个临时住所；那个小盒才是你永久的家！
44. In life, there are at most 36,000 days. With countless houses, one only needs a three-foot-wide space to sleep. In summary, four sentences: People are like flowers in a basin; life is a mess, and even the best house is just a temporary residence; that small box is your permanent home!

45.一次田径赛，我班一矮小的同学拿个冠军，问其赛后感言。他说：别人都想着拿冠军，所以压力大。我只想着要上厕所，憋不住了，就会感觉不到压力，而且想着快憋不住了，腿也跑得快些了。
45. In a track and field competition, a short classmate of mine won the championship. When asked about his post-race thoughts, he said: “Others all want to win the championship, so they feel the pressure. I just wanted to go to the bathroom, and when I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I didn’t feel the pressure. Moreover, thinking about how I couldn’t hold it in, I ran faster.”

46.多少颗大白菜才肯和俺睡一觉啊？？
46. How many Chinese cabbages would you want to sleep with me?

47.你不要说话好吗？你一说话就把你的智商暴露了。
47. Can you stop talking? As soon as you speak, you reveal your IQ.

48.喜欢的姑娘是别人的，不喜欢的姑娘也他妈是别人的。
48. The girl I like belongs to someone else, and the girl I don’t like is also someone else’s.

49.出门在外，请记住：一定要把牛B还给牛！
49. When you’re out and about, always remember: make sure to return the cow’s牛逼 to the cow!

50.女娲日天，后羿射之。
50. Nuwa mends the sky, Houyi shoots it down.

51.祖国尚未统一，没有心情复习…
51. Our motherland is not yet unified, I have no mood for reviewing…

52.男人，上半身是修养，下半身是本质；女人，上半身是诱饵，下半身是陷阱。
52. Men, the upper half is cultivation, the lower half is nature; women, the upper half is bait, the lower half is a trap.

53.孔子曰，中午不睡，下午崩溃；孟子曰，孔子说的对。
53. Confucius said, if you don’t take a nap at noon, you’ll collapse in the afternoon; Mencius said, Confucius is right.

54.我视金钱为粪土，我爸视我为化粪池。
54. I regard money as manure, my dad regards me as a fertilizer pit.

55.大学四年没有一个女生问过我路，今天开宝马回母校办点事，结果一会功夫就有五个女生来问路……
55. In four years of college, no girl ever asked me for directions; today, I drove a BMW back to my alma mater for some business, and in a short while, five girls came to ask for directions…

56.不是故事的结局不够好，而是我们对故事的要求过多！
56. It’s not that the ending of the story is not good enough, but that we have too many demands for the story!

57.要挑熟女，裙子好揪。怀才就像怀孕，时间久了才能让人看出来。
57. To pick a mature woman, the skirt is easy to grab. Talent is like pregnancy; it takes time for people to see it.

58.不用撒尿也知道自己长啥样。
58. You don’t need to urinate to know what you look like.

59.公交车坐到最后一排那个中间，前面无任何遮挡物，一个急刹车，直接从最后冲到司机那，伴随一路杀猪的尖叫。
59. Sitting in the middle of the last row on the bus, with no obstacles in front, a sudden brake, and you’ll rush straight to the driver, accompanied by a series of pig-like screams.

60.老师，真对不起，我又迟了。这是因为我梦到了一场足球赛。这和迟到又有什么关系呢？小明，请你解释一下。老师，您不知道，我梦见的足球赛进行得异常激烈，他们两局不分胜负，又延长了时间。
60. Teacher, I’m really sorry, I’m late again. What does this have to do with being late? Little Ming, please explain. Teacher, you don’t know, the football match I dreamed of was extremely intense; they had two draws and no winner, so they extended the time.

61.老子的世界不允许你的出现，带着你的虚伪滚出我的防线。
61. My world doesn’t allow your presence, take your hypocrisy and get out of my defense line.

62.永远不要相信那些硬了一会儿，就软绵绵的东西！
62. Never trust something that gets hard for a while and then becomes soft and weak!

63.谁说女追男隔层纱啊？隔你妹！明明隔了个大西洋！
63. Who said that when a girl chases a guy, it’s just like separating a layer of gauze? That’s nonsense! It’s clearly like separating the Atlantic Ocean!

64.我的爱人都叫我第三者！
64. My lovers call me the third party!

65.以后不要在我面前说英文，OK？
65. Don’t speak English in front of me anymore, OK?

66.现如今有钱的不如有权的，有权的不如有枪的，有枪的不如拿斧头镰刀的！
66. Nowadays, the rich are not as good as the powerful, the powerful are not as good as those with guns, and those with guns are not as good as those with axes and sickles!

67.明月几时有，把酒问青天…青天说：滚你妈的，我这么忙，哪有时间理你，自己看天气预报去…
67. When will the bright moon appear? I ask the blue sky while holding a cup of wine… The blue sky says: Get lost, I’m so busy, I don’t have time for you, go check the weather forecast yourself…

68.虽然不知道数学老师上课在讲什么，但感觉好像很厉害的样子。
68. Although I don’t know what the math teacher is talking about in class, it feels like it’s very impressive.

69.你当我是个风筝，要不把我放了，要不然收好带回家，别用一条看不见的情思拴着我，让我心伤。
69. Treat me as a kite, either let me go or take me home, don’t tie me up with an invisible thread of love, causing my heart to ache.

70.回忆是一座桥，却是通往寂寞的牢！
70. Memories are like a bridge, but they lead to the prison of loneliness!

71.你的人生，总结起来就八个字儿——生的荒唐，死的窝囊……
71. Your life can be summarized in eight words - born absurdly, die miserably…

72.我都不泡你了，你又何苦泡我。
72. I’m not even chasing you, why bother chasing me?

73.在这个时代  在这个时代，没人在乎你是不是杨过，而在乎你是不是尹志平！
73. In this era, no one cares if you’re Yang Guo, but they care if you’re Yin Zhiping!

74.有人说生了孩子就不会痛经了，那就生一个吧！
74. Some say having a child will stop menstrual pain, so let’s have one!

75.今天去食堂吃早点，顺手拿起一瓶酸酸乳。看生产日期：年月日。我：“看，生产日期”是未来的酸酸乳，赚大了，保质期被延长了个月。留到月日去买吧，那时刚生产出来，很新鲜！就先让它自己穿越一会儿。
75. Today, I went to the cafeteria for breakfast and picked up a bottle of sour yogurt. Checking the production date: year, month, and day. I: “Look, the production date is” future sour yogurt, great, the shelf life has been extended by months. Buy it on month and day when it’s just produced, very fresh! Let it time travel for a while first.

76.人生没有彩排，每天都是直播；不仅收视率低，而且工资不高。
76. Life has no rehearsals, every day is a live broadcast; not only is the viewership low, but the salary is also not high.

77.时间是用来流浪的，身躯是用来相爱的，生命是用来遗忘的，而灵魂，是用来歌唱的。
77. Time is for wandering, bodies are for loving, lives are for forgetting, and souls are for singing.

78.思想有多远，你就给我滚多远。
78. Get away from me as far as your thoughts can reach.

79.柔风抚柳枝，蜜蜂采花勤。欲作绝诗颂，苦等无蛙鸣。日出只要在日落前出现就好，上课只要在下课前到达就好。
79. Gentle wind caresses the willow branches, bees diligently gather nectar. Wanting to compose a unique poem, but waiting in vain for the frogs’ chorus. As long as the sunrise appears before sunset, and class starts before the end, it’s fine.

80.不管在哪里，我们都可以发挥厚脸皮精神。
80. No matter where we are, we can always display the spirit of having a thick skin.

81.不和我表白呢  为什么你不喜欢我呢，不和我表白呢。哎~
81. Why don’t you confess to me? Don’t you like me? Why don’t you confess to me? Sigh~

82.你离开我以后过的很愉悦是嘛?至少我这样觉得。
82. You must be very happy after leaving me, at least that’s what I think.

83.我弟弟去某小学打篮球，听到一低年级女生问一个低年级男生：“你到底爱不爱我？？？”那男生无奈道：“我妈一天给我元钱，其中两块五都让你拿去买零食了，你说我爱不爱你。
83. My younger brother went to a primary school to play basketball and overheard a low-grade girl asking a low-grade boy, “Do you love me or not?” The boy replied helplessly, “My mom gives me 2.5 yuan a day, and I give you 2 yuan to buy snacks. Can’t you tell if I love you or not?”

84.早上长睡不起；晚上视睡如归！
84. Oversleeping in the morning; embracing sleep like home at night!

85.失败的男人喜欢和别人比老婆，成功的女人喜欢和别人比老公。
85. Unsuccessful men like to compare their wives with others, while successful women like to compare their husbands with others.

86.前年我们吃饭，睡觉，玩乐，享受生活；接下来的年为养家糊口疲于奔命；而最后的年呢，每天蹲在门口，和过往的行人打着招呼…
86. The previous years, we ate, slept, had fun, and enjoyed life; the following years, we were busy making a living; and in the last years, we sat at the doorstep, greeting passers-by…

87.哥们儿，麻烦让一下，你挡着我的手机信号了。
87. Buddy, could you please move? You’re blocking my cell phone signal.

88.别跟我谈理想了好不？我戒了！
88. Don’t talk to me about ideals, okay? I’ve quit!

89.再丑也要谈恋爱  为了祖国下一代，再丑也要谈恋爱，谈到世界充满爱。
89. Even if you’re ugly, you should still be in love, for the sake of the next generation of our motherland. Let’s talk about love until the world is filled with love.

90.我命由我不由天，天欲灭我我灭天。
90. My destiny is in my hands, not in heaven’s. If heaven wants to destroy me, I will destroy heaven.

91.也许似乎大概是，然而未必不见得。
91. It may seem like it is, but it may not necessarily be so.

92.啥时硬件也可以COPY就好了！
92. I wish hardware could be copied too!

93.我一直在忙着无聊！
93. I’ve been busy doing nothing!

94.出来混，老婆迟早是要换的！
94. When you’re out in the world, you’ll eventually change your wife!

95.如果你同时爱几个人，说明你年轻；如果你只爱一个人，那么，你已经老了；如果你谁也不爱，你已获得重生。
95. If you love several people at the same time, it means you’re young; if you only love one person, then you’re already old; if you don’t love anyone, you’ve been reborn.

96.请不要把我对你的容忍，当成你不要脸的资本。
96. Please don’t take my tolerance of you as your capital for shamelessness.

97.脂肪那么厚，动一下都那么难受！
97. With such thick fat, even moving is uncomfortable!

98.别洗它，要不是这些泥，这破车早就散架了。
98. Don’t wash it, if it weren’t for this mud, this broken car would have fallen apart long ago.

99.十朵菊花九朵黄，十个女儿九像娘。
99. Among ten chrysanthemums, nine are yellow; among ten daughters, nine resemble their mothers.

100.考完试，不管成绩多烂都要笑着活下去，这就是学渣的尊严。
100. After the exam, no matter how bad the grades are, you must keep smiling and live on. This is the dignity of a poor student.

1.谢你抢了我对象，让我知道他是人模狗样。
1. Thank you for stealing my partner, which let me know he is just a good-for-nothing.

2.给你点阳光你就灿烂，给你点洪水你就泛滥。我让老太太抹红嘴唇儿，给你点颜色看看。
2. Give you a little sunshine, and you shine brightly; give you a little flood, and you overflow. I’ll let the old lady put on red lips to show you some color.

3.做个有气质的流氓，做个有品位的色狼，做个有知识的文盲！
3. Be an elegant hooligan, a tasteful lecher, and an educated illiterate!

4.哲学家的爱情是讨论题，文学家的爱情是作文题，数学家的爱情是计算题，政治家的爱情是判断题，普通人的爱情是填充题，用爱情填充无聊的生活。
4. A philosopher’s love is a discussion question, a writer’s love is a composition question, a mathematician’s love is a calculation question, a politician’s love is a judgment question, an ordinary person’s love is a fill-in-the-blank question, using love to fill the boring life.

5.春天来了，一群大雁正向北飞，一会儿排成B字型，一会儿排成T字型。
5. Spring is here, a flock of wild geese is flying northward, forming a B-shape for a while, then a T-shape.

6.避孕的效果是，不成功，便成“人”。
6. The effectiveness of contraception is: if it’s not successful, it becomes a “person.”

7.镀锌的棺材当然比较耐用，但木制棺材有益于健康。
7. Galvanized coffins are certainly more durable, but wooden coffins are healthier.

8.跌倒了站起来，换个好看的姿势再倒下。
8. Fall down, stand up, and then fall down again in a more attractive posture.

9.控制不住嘴巴的人就别闹腾着减肥，这不是纯恶心人吗？活该，死胖子，活该你这种人就只能对着那些XS的美衣流泪。夏天要到了，你那象腿就别自讨没趣地穿裙子了，你就不怕有人在背后悄悄惊叹你的勇气么，我比你瘦，比你努力，你活该这么丑。
9. If you can’t control your mouth, stop making a fuss about losing weight. Isn’t it just disgusting? You deserve it, fat ass, you deserve to cry in front of those XS beauties. Summer is coming, don’t embarrass yourself by wearing skirts with your elephant legs. Aren’t you afraid someone will secretly marvel at your courage behind your back? I’m thinner than you, and I work harder. You deserve to be this ugly.

10.不愿做奴隶的人民，愿做人民币的奴隶。
10. People who don’t want to be slaves would rather be slaves to RMB.

11.在哪里跌倒吗，就在哪里躺下。
11. If you fall somewhere, just lie there.

12.隔壁那小子终于发誓要减肥了—-毕业招聘会上，有人对他说了句：“哥们，让一下，你挡着我的手机信号了。”
12. The guy next door finally swore to lose weight - at the job fair, someone said to him, “Dude, move aside, you’re blocking my cell phone signal.”

13.一请就来的叫爽快，三请四请才来的叫摆谱。怎么请都不来的叫原则，不请自来的叫蹭饭，请了不来不请自来的叫装蒜。
13. Those who come when asked once are straightforward, those who need to be asked three or four times are showing off. Those who don’t come no matter how many times you ask have principles, those who come uninvited are freeloading, and those who are asked but don’t come or come uninvited are pretending to be garlic.

14.你是不是三鹿喝多了？
14. Have you had too much Sanlu milk?

15.爱就一个字，我没做一次！
15. Love is just one word, and I haven’t done it once!

16.人总要犯错误的，否则正确之路人满为患。
16. People always make mistakes; otherwise, the path of righteousness would be overcrowded.

17.我无法保证无法向你承诺什么，但我会做到：如果有一天你有饥饿的感觉，那时你定会看到，我已含笑饿死在你的怀抱中。
17. I can’t guarantee or promise you anything, but I will do this: if one day you feel hungry, then you will surely see me, smiling as I starve to death in your arms.

18.你的长相真是不敢恭维……衰的都拖网速……
18. Your appearance is really hard to praise… So ugly that it slows down the internet speed…

19.大家有没有发现：尽管上了一天班很累，但是下班后坐在电脑前玩游戏还是很精神！尽管前一天很早就睡觉了，但是上课的时候还是乏的很，我相信不止我一个人这样！
19. Has anyone noticed: even though you’re tired after a day at work, you still have energy to play games on the computer after work! Even if you went to bed early the night before, you’re still tired during class. I believe I’m not the only one like this!

20.我男朋友长得不太好看。如今，孩子的基因只有靠我一个人来力挽狂澜了。
20. My boyfriend is not good-looking. Now, the genes of our child will have to rely on me to turn things around.

21.我不知道是我上了大学还是大学上了我。
21. I don’t know if I attended university or if university attended me.

22.众里寻他千百度，蓦然回首，那人依旧对我不屑一顾…
22. After searching for him for thousands of times, I suddenly looked back, and he still ignored me…

23.一男生问心仪已久的女孩：你选择男友的标准是什么？小女生害羞回答：没什么标准，只要投缘就成！小男生一愣！过了片刻，才有鼓起勇气继续问道：一定要头圆吗，扁点行不行？
23. A boy asked the girl he had a crush on for a long time: What are your criteria for choosing a boyfriend? The shy girl answered: No criteria, as long as we get along! The boy was stunned! After a while, he mustered up the courage to continue asking: Do you have to have a round head? Is it okay if it’s flat?

24.从法律上来讲：建立在金钱上的性关系就是嫖娼，我发短信给你，我们就有了“信”关系，虽然只有一毛钱，但这辈子好歹也算嫖过你了！
24. Legally speaking: a sexual relationship based on money is prostitution. I sent you a text message, and we now have a “letter” relationship. Although it’s only worth ten cents, at least I’ve had the experience of being with you in this lifetime!

25.那个谁，回去撒包尿漱漱口再来吧！
25. Hey, go back and take a leak, then rinse your mouth before coming back!

26.春天，我把自己埋在村口的土地里，到了秋天就收获了好多的帅哥。然后我把村里的名字改成“帅哥村”，我也如愿以偿当上了村长。
26. In spring, I buried myself in the village entrance, and by autumn, I reaped many handsome guys. Then I changed the village’s name to “Handsome Guys Village” and became the village head as I wished.

27.到了聪明人都无技可施时，笨人想出来的法子一定最有用！
27. When smart people have no tricks left, the ideas that come from stupid people must be the most useful!

28.那天过马路，想着事情，没看行人灯。一辆车轧然刹在我身边。接着我听到一声亲切的问候：“忙啥呢？投胎啊？”
28. That day, when crossing the road, I was lost in thought and didn’t look at the pedestrian light. A car suddenly stopped beside me. Then I heard a familiar greeting: “What’s the rush? Reincarnating?”

29.我觉得全世界的熊全都一个熊样。
29. I think bears all over the world look the same.

30.我没猜中我们故事的开头，也没猜中这故事的结尾……
30. I didn’t guess the beginning of our story, nor did I guess the ending…

31.为了建立和谐社会，老婆，我们再来一次吧。
31. In order to build a harmonious society, honey, let’s try again.

32.就算再冷，别人裹成粽子，咱们也要把自己打扮成甜筒！
32. Even if it’s cold, while others bundle up like dumplings, we should dress up like ice cream cones!

33.你不是黄蓉，你只是蝗虫，你为嘛要靖哥哥？你真不要脸。
33. You’re not Huang Rong; you’re just a locust. Why do you want Jingge? You’re really shameless.

34.我不开心的时候，我爸便会给我钱让我去买东西，幼稚的以为用金钱就能让我找回快乐！对于这种肤浅的行为，我只想说，还是老爸最懂我！
34. When I’m unhappy, my dad gives me money to buy things, naively thinking that money can bring me happiness! For this superficial behavior, I just want to say, Dad knows me best!

35.黑眼线红嘴唇，诶呦我草，全是你妈抬头纹啊！！！
35. Black eyeliner, red lips, oh my, it’s all your mother’s forehead wrinkles!!!

36.人生三愿：一是吃得下饭，二是睡得着觉，三是笑得出来。
36. Three wishes in life: to eat well, to sleep well, and to laugh.

37.你就是堕胎失败的最好例子！
37. You are the best example of a failed abortion!

38.路遇一漂亮妹妹，想和她搭灿，还没有想好切口，美女就走了，情急大喊道：前面那个美女，你的胸罩掉了！
38. I met a pretty girl on the street and wanted to strike up a conversation, but before I could think of an opening, she walked away. In a panic, I shouted: “Hey, the pretty girl up front, your bra just fell off!”

39.两小儿辩日，一儿曰：一天就是一日！一儿曰：一日就是一天！
39. Two children debate the sun: one child says, “One day is just one day!” The other child says, “One day is just one day!”

40.昨天看电视说：“吸烟导致猝死”。吓的我心里哆嗦，我一咬牙一跺脚下定决心，以后不看电视。
40. Yesterday, I watched TV and it said, “Smoking leads to sudden death.” Scared, I gritted my teeth and stamped my foot, determined not to watch TV anymore.

41.你的丑和你的脸没有关系…
41. Your ugliness has nothing to do with your face…

42.很多北京人喜欢我，想请我去北京演出，我不去，我说你们要是喜欢我就坐飞机来上海看我，这样还能拉动上海的GDP。
42. Many people in Beijing like me and want me to perform there, but I won’t go. I told them if they like me, they can fly to Shanghai to see me, which would help boost Shanghai’s GDP.

43.“疼吗？”“疼。”“那算了吧！”“别！”
43. “Does it hurt?” “It hurts.” “Then let’s not do it!” “No!”

44.时刻记住自己是个淑女，然后像个汉子一样去奋斗。
44. Always remember that you are a lady, and then fight like a man.

45.同样是修道，不同的是你修的是正道，我修的是旁观道。
45. We both cultivate the path, but the difference is that you follow the righteous path, while I follow the path of observation.

46.黑夜给了我一双黑色的眼睛，可我却用它来翻白眼。
46. The night gave me a pair of black eyes, but I use them to roll my eyes.

47.中分看鼻子，齐刘海看脸型，斜刘海看气质，无刘海看五官，我适合蒙面！
47. A center part shows the nose, a full fringe shows the face shape, a side fringe shows the temperament, no fringe shows the facial features. I’m suited for wearing a mask!

48.一朵花能开多久？一场雨能下多久？一阵风能吹多久？ 你问我爱你多久？我的心跳多久，就爱你多久。
48. How long can a flower bloom? How long can a rain last? How long can a gust of wind blow? You ask how long I will love you? As long as my heart beats, I will love you.

49.要是在欺负我,我就把你的名字写在内裤上，用屁崩死你。
49. If you keep bullying me, I’ll write your name on my underwear and fart you to death.

50.壮士，你怀孕了！
50. Hero, are you pregnant?

51.砍头算什么，脑袋掉了不过碗大的疤，年后老子又是一条僵尸…
51. What’s so great about beheading? If my head falls off, it’ll just leave a scar the size of a bowl, and I’ll be a zombie again after the New Year…

52.割下JJ敬神——既疼了自己，又得罪了神！
52. Cutting off one’s own penis to please the gods - it hurts oneself and offends the gods!

53.我时常感叹男人的兄弟义气的确比女人的金兰之情更为情谊深厚，小李飞刀李寻欢可以把心爱的女人拱手相让给大哥，关刘张桃园结义更是基情四射一块闯江山的典范，而女人的友情却时常会让我想起祸起萧墙这个成语。
53. I often lament that the brotherhood among men is indeed deeper than the friendship among women. Li Xunhuan from “The Flying Dagger” can give up the woman he loves for his elder brother, and the Peach Garden Oath of Guan Yu, Liu Bei, and Zhang Fei is a prime example of their passionate bond in conquering the world together. However, women’s friendships often remind me of the idiom “trouble brews within.”

54.千万别跟我求婚，一求婚我就会答应。
54. Don’t ever propose to me, because if you do, I’ll say yes.

55.正在上课，老师突然发话：“谁要是能答出我问的下一个问题，就能直接下课回家。”我当即把笔往老师脸上一扔。“是谁扔的？”“我扔的，那我回家了啊！”然后就没有然后了……。
55. During class, the teacher suddenly said, “If anyone can answer the next question I ask, they can leave and go home.” I immediately threw my pen at the teacher’s face. “Who threw it?” “I did, so I’m going home now!” And that was the end of it…

56.下午去湖里游泳，突然下起暴雨，我赶紧潜进水里避雨。
56. I went swimming in the lake in the afternoon, and suddenly a heavy rain started. I quickly dove underwater to avoid the rain.

57.刚上大学，我们怀着憧憬看了《奋斗》，当我们踟躇的时候，我们看了《我的青春谁做主》，就当我们即将豁然开朗的时候，一部《蜗居》把我们全拍死了。绝望中，我们看了《》，顿时淡定了。买什么房子啊，早晚要塌的！
57. When we first started college, we watched “Struggle” with anticipation. When we hesitated, we watched “Whose Youth Is It Anyway?” Just as we were about to see the light, “Dwelling Narrows” completely crushed us. In despair, we watched “____” and suddenly felt calm. Why bother buying a house? It’ll collapse sooner or later!

58.人的寂寞，有时候能从身体上看出来！
58. Sometimes, a person’s loneliness can be seen physically.

59.在公交车上，一个孕妇站在一个坐在凳子的年青男人前面，孕妇对他说：“难道你不知道我怀孕了吗？”那男的说：“对不起，这孩子不会是我的吧？”
59. On the bus, a pregnant woman stood in front of a young man sitting on a stool. The pregnant woman said to him, “Don’t you know I’m pregnant?” The man replied, “Sorry, but I don’t think this child can be mine, can it?”

60.做梦梦见吃意大利面，早上醒来发现鞋带没了！
60. I dreamed of eating spaghetti last night, and when I woke up in the morning, my shoelaces were gone!

61.思想可以肮脏，但生活必须健康，因为只有一个强健的体魄，才能支撑起一个龌龊的灵魂。
61. One’s thoughts can be dirty, but life must be healthy, because only a strong body can support a filthy soul.

62.保护自己，关爱他人，请不要半夜出来吓人。
62. Protect yourself and care for others; please don’t come out to scare people in the middle of the night.

63.世界上最远的距离不是你我天各一方，而是同窗不同房。
63. The farthest distance in the world is not between you and me, but between classmates who don’t share the same room.

64.这个年头找到真爱的机率和被雷劈的机率差不多。
64. The chances of finding true love these days are about the same as the chances of being struck by lightning.

65.恐龙说：“遇到色狼，不慌不忙；遇到禽兽，慢慢享受……”
65. The dinosaur said, “When encountering a lecher, stay calm; when encountering a beast, take your time to enjoy…”

66.当你失败了，就把它作为人生财富；成功了，就是财富人生。
66. When you fail, consider it a treasure in life; when you succeed, it’s a wealthy life.

67.婚后男人就像桌布，只有吃饭的时候才出现。
67. After marriage, men are like tablecloths - they only appear during mealtimes.

68.你瞎了眼啊？这么大的盾牌你看不见，偏偏要把石头朝我脑袋上扔！
68. Are you blind? You can’t see such a big shield, yet you throw a rock at my head!

69.上今天的班，睡昨天的觉！
69. Go to work today, sleep the sleep of yesterday!

70.高中，我们忙得跟孙子似的，可还可以像SB一样开心；大学，我们闲得像SB一样，却找不回当孙子时的快乐…
70. In high school, we were as busy as grandsons, yet we could be as happy as fools; in college, we were as idle as fools, but we couldn’t find the happiness we had as grandsons…

71.没什么事就不要找我，有事了更不要找我。
71. Don’t look for me if there’s nothing, and especially don’t look for me if there’s something.

72.这是通往成功的道路，不过还在施工，记得戴好安全帽。
72. This is the road to success, but it’s still under construction. Remember to wear a safety helmet.

73.人生如梦，我失眠；人生如戏，我穿帮；人生如歌，我跑调；人生战场，我走火。
73. Life is like a dream, I suffer from insomnia; life is like a play, I break the act; life is like a song, I go off-key; life is a battlefield, I misfire.

74.如果有一天全世界的男人来月经了，我会去卖卫生巾。
74. If one day all the men in the world get their periods, I’ll sell sanitary pads.

75.你给我买条烟总比我去一次夜总会划算吧。
75. It’s more cost-effective for you to buy me a pack of cigarettes than for me to go to a nightclub.

76.那个非主流请你别再用那廉价的睫毛夹着你那恶心的妆容刺激我的神经了。
76. That non-mainstream person, please stop using that cheap eyelash curler with your disgusting makeup to irritate my nerves.

77.也许昨天的我可能会哭但今天的我不但不会哭还会让贱人给我哭！
77. Maybe yesterday’s me would have cried, but today’s me won’t cry and will make the villain cry for me!

78.今天我要做俯卧撑，今天先俯卧，明天再撑。
78. Today, I’m going to do push-ups: lie down today and push up tomorrow.

79.别惹我，否则我会让你死的很有节奏感。
79. Don’t mess with me, or I’ll make your death rhythmic.

80.胸不平，何以平天下，乳不巨，何以聚人心。
80. Without a flat chest, how can you pacify the world? Without huge breasts, how can you gather people’s hearts?

81.男人分两种，一种是好色，一种是十分好色；女人也分两种，一种是假装清纯，一种是假装不清纯。
81. Men are divided into two types: one is lustful, and the other is extremely lustful; women are also divided into two types: one is pretending to be pure, and the other is pretending not to be pure.

82.不怕美女把我当色狼，就怕丑女把我当流氓！
82. I’m not afraid of beautiful women treating me as a wolf, I’m afraid of ugly women treating me as a rogue!

83.当你默默离开我时，我痛苦万分，不知如何是好，看着你的背影远去，我恨自己，都是我的错……早起一点就赶上车了。
83. When you left me silently, I was in great pain, not knowing what to do. Watching your back fade away, I hated myself for being late… if I had just gotten up earlier, I would have caught the bus.

84.我本人是一个很节约的人，我拉屎从来不用纸，吃饭从来不用筷子，而且没有洗过手！
84. I am a very frugal person. I never use toilet paper when going to the bathroom, never use chopsticks when eating, and I have never washed my hands!

85.成功的三要素：一坚持；二不要脸；三坚持不要脸。
85. The three elements of success: 1. Persistence; 2. No shame; 3. Keep being shameless.

86.“你的手掌很大你一定很孤单。”“啊！这都能看出来，为什么？”“因为越掌大越孤单。”
86. “Your palm is big, you must be lonely.” “Ah! You can see this? Why?” “Because the bigger the palm, the lonelier you are.”

87.放下压力，放下烦恼，放下狭隘，放下懒散，放下自卑，放下冲动，放下骄傲；拿起力量，拿起信念，拿起豪迈，拿起自信，拿起稳重，拿起虚心！
87. Let go of stress, let go of worries, let go of narrow-mindedness, let go of laziness, let go of inferiority, let go of impulsiveness, let go of arrogance; pick up strength, pick up beliefs, pick up pride, pick up confidence, pick up steadiness, pick up humility!

88.情人节送玫瑰花不如送菜花，能吃又省钱。
88. It’s better to give cauliflower on Valentine’s Day than roses, as it’s edible and saves money.

89.大学是女生乳房发育的最佳时期。
89. University is the best time for girls’ breast development.

90.男人读到博士是因为智商低，女人读到博士是因为情商低。不知我长短，我怎么你深浅。
90. Men pursue a Ph.D. because of low IQ, while women do it because of low EQ. If you don’t know my length and breadth, how can I know your depth and shallowness.

91.水浅王八多，遍地是大哥，不是社会人，总整社会磕。
91. Where the water is shallow, there are many turtles; everywhere is filled with big brothers. If you’re not a social person, you’ll always get into trouble.

92.今天心情不好我只有四句话想说包括这句和前面的两句我的话说完了。
92. Today, I’m in a bad mood, and I have only four sentences to say, including this one and the two before. My words are now finished.

93.有一天，学校邀请家长到校参观上课情况，上午第一节课，学生向老师问好，说：”老师早。“老师想学生也应该向在场的家长问好，便说：“还有家长呢？”学生还没来得及反应，家长便一齐站起来，说：“老师，早。”
93. One day, the school invited parents to visit and observe the classes. In the first morning class, students greeted the teacher, saying, “Good morning, teacher.” The teacher thought that students should also greet the parents present, so she said, “And what about the parents?” Before the students could react, the parents all stood up together and said, “Good morning, teacher.”

94.刚到深圳，一出车站就遇到一个女人拉生意：“大哥，路上坐车辛苦，进来操个B歇歇吧！”
94. Just arrived in Shenzhen, as soon as I got out of the station, I met a woman soliciting business: “Big brother, you must be tired from the journey. Come in and have a rest!”

95.你一出门，千山鸟飞绝，万径人踪灭。
95. When you go out, a thousand mountains are deserted of birds, and ten thousand paths are devoid of human traces.

96.今天和哥们去医院看病号，电梯里全是人，突然想捉弄他一下，就对他说：你那包皮手术做了吗？然后全电梯人都看他，我心里一阵坏笑。那哥们却是淡定的看着我说：那个病人的手术安排在下午，我给他做完马上给你安排时间，让你等这么长时间，真不好意思啊！
96. Today, I went to the hospital with my buddy to visit a patient. The elevator was full of people. Suddenly, I wanted to tease him, so I said, “Have you had your circumcision surgery?” Everyone in the elevator looked at him, and I felt a mischievous smile inside. My buddy calmly looked at me and said, “That patient’s surgery is scheduled for the afternoon. I’ll arrange it for you right after, I’m really sorry to have kept you waiting for so long!”

97.请记住我是一个高冷的人，请不要被我时常的疯癫所迷惑。
97. Remember that I am a high-cold person, so don’t be confused by my occasional madness.

98.脱了衣服我是禽兽，穿上衣服我是衣冠禽兽！
98. Naked, I am a beast; dressed, I am a well-dressed beast!

99.在教堂听讲经的时候我们应该保持肃静，打扰别人睡觉是很不礼貌的。
99. When listening to sermons in church, we should remain quiet, as it is impolite to disturb others’ sleep.

100.天上掉钞票我不会弯腰，因为天上连馅饼都不会掉，更别说掉钞票了。
100. I won’t bend down if money falls from the sky, because even pies don’t fall from the sky, let alone money.

1.每次面对美食，我都告诫自己：“吃多会死。”但事实证明，我真的不怕死！
1. Every time I face delicious food, I tell myself, “Eating too much can be deadly.” But it turns out, I’m not afraid of death at all!

2.天生下来的是雨，而不是天才！
2. What is born naturally is rain, not talent!

3.人要是无聊啊，鼻涕泡都能拿来玩会。
3. When people are bored, they can even play with their snot bubbles.

4.问：为什么澳洲人和美国人互相看不顺眼对方？答：一个澳洲人刚到美国，过马路的时候差点被个车撞到，司机对他吼道：“Do you come here to die？”澳洲人听了，回道：“No,I came here yesterday！”
4. Q: Why do Australians and Americans dislike each other? A: An Australian just arrived in the U.S. and almost got hit by a car when crossing the road. The driver yelled at him, “Do you come here to die?” The Australian replied, “No, I came here yesterday!”

5.挣钱是一种能力，花钱是一种技术，我能力有限，但技术相当牛逼。
5. Earning money is a capability, spending money is a skill. My capability is limited, but my skill is quite impressive.

6.打针的时候，我说：“…我怕疼…”医生说：“别怕，我会慢慢推进去的！”
6. When getting an injection, I said, “…I’m afraid of pain…” The doctor replied, “Don’t worry, I’ll push it in slowly!”

7.思想就像内裤，要有，但不能逢人就证明给他看。
7. Thoughts are like underwear; you should have them, but you can’t prove them to everyone.

8.女人单位发了一千块钱，她会告诉男人发了一千块钱，告诉自己的朋友发了五百；男人单位发了一千块钱，他会告诉女人发了五百，告诉自己的朋友发了一千五。
8. If a woman’s workplace gives her a bonus of 1,000 yuan, she will tell men that she got 1,000 yuan and her friends that she got 500; if a man’s workplace gives him a bonus of 1,000 yuan, he will tell women that he got 500 yuan and his friends that he got 1,500 yuan.

9.新世纪男性：睡得了地板，住得了走廊，跪得起主板，补得了衣裳，吃得下剩饭，付得起药方，带得了孩子，养得起姑娘，耐得住寂寞，争做灰太狼…
9. New-century men: able to sleep on the floor, live in the hallway, kneel on the motherboard, mend clothes, eat leftovers, pay for prescriptions, take care of children, support a girlfriend, endure loneliness, and strive to be like Grey Wolf…

10.看看你这孩子长的，真是发行对不起头型，头型对不起脸型，脸型对不起脖型，脖型对不起身型，你简直就是个畸形嘛！
10. Look at you, you don’t even match your hairstyle, your hairstyle doesn’t match your face shape, your face shape doesn’t match your neck shape, and your neck shape doesn’t match your body shape. You’re such a freak!

11.爱情的投入和产出从来不成比例，一厢情愿的牺牲到头来感动的往往是自己！
11. The input and output of love are never proportional; in the end, one-sided sacrifices often only move oneself.

12.宁愿在男人堆里做个女汉子，也不愿在女人堆里玩儿脑子。
12. I’d rather be a tomboy among men than play mind games among women.

13.取名字真的很重要，那天偶看到一个人的名字很潇洒，叫“银剑”；只可惜，他姓“范”。
13. Choosing a name is really important. One day, I saw a person with a very cool name, “Silver Sword.” It’s a pity that his surname is “Fan.”

14.让暴风雨来得更猛烈些吧，反正我是卖伞的！
14. Let the storm come even stronger, since I’m selling umbrellas anyway!

15.第一笔就起错了的画，只好一路地潦草下去。
15. If the first stroke is wrong, the painting can only be carelessly continued.

16.“对待学习，就要像追自己喜欢的女孩一样积极”“你TM一下追个试试”
16. “Treat learning as actively as chasing the girl you like.” “Why don’t you give it a try?”

17.再丑也要谈恋爱  为了祖国下一代，再丑也要谈恋爱，谈到世界充满爱。
17. Even if you’re ugly, you should still be in a relationship, for the sake of the next generation of our motherland. Let’s make the world full of love.

18.物价要是再这么涨下去，以后上厕所不用带纸，随身备些一毛纸币，更经济实惠和方便。
18. If prices keep rising like this, we won’t need to bring toilet paper when going to the bathroom in the future. Just carry some one-jiao bills with you, which is more economical and convenient.

19.避孕的效果：不成功，便成“人”。
19. The effectiveness of contraception: if not successful, it becomes a “person.”

20.老娘一向视帅哥与金钱如粪土，而他们也一直是这样看我的。
20. I’ve always treated handsome men and money like dirt, and they’ve always seen me the same way.

21.“友谊第一，比赛第二”，比如说，举行婚礼时新郎和新娘总要手拉着手。
21. “Friendship first, competition second” - for example, during a wedding, the bride and groom always hold hands.

22.我自欺欺人，保留着我对爱情最后一分美好的寄望苟延残喘。可事实是，这个物欲横流的世界俨然成为了衣冠禽兽们的天下。
22. I deceive myself and others, holding on to the last bit of hope for love. But the truth is, this materialistic world has become a domain for hypocrites and beasts in disguise.

23.虚有其表的女人就象金环戴在猪鼻上。
23. A woman with only outward appearance is like a gold ring worn on a pig’s snout.

24.结婚那天你一定要来做我的伴郞，因为我们承诺过要一起走进婚姻的殿堂……
24. On my wedding day, you must be my best man because we promised to enter the marriage hall together…

25.没有我们这些成绩差的学生，怎么能衬托出好生的成绩呢。
25. Without students like us with poor grades, how can good students stand out?

26.去年连出家人都炒股了，今年炒股的炒成了出家人。
26. Last year, even monks started investing in stocks; this year, those who invested in stocks have become monks.

27.秀发去无踪，头屑更出众。
27. Hair gone without a trace, but dandruff becomes more outstanding.

28.大学四年没有一个女生问过我路，今天开宝马回母校办点事，结果一会功夫就有五个女生来问路……
28. In four years of college, no girl ever asked me for directions; today, I drove a BMW back to my alma mater for some errands, and in no time, five girls came to ask for directions…

29.女人最恨的男人是陈世美；男人最喜欢的女人是潘金莲。
29. Women hate men like Chen Shimei; men like women like Pan Jinlian.

30.我们的社会现在有一种很畸形的价值观，就是逼着还远远不算大龄的我们结婚，好像只要结婚了，就一切问题都解决，社会主义初级阶段都可以一下就越过了。
30. Our society now has a very distorted value system, which forces us, who are far from being of marriageable age, to get married, as if getting married can solve all problems and skip the primary stage of socialism.

31.诸葛亮出山前也没带过兵啊，你们凭啥要我有工作经验！
31. Zhuge Liang led troops for the first time after coming out of seclusion, so why do you expect me to have work experience?

32.这年头上线和隐身是一样的，都不会有人找你聊天。
32. Nowadays, being online and being invisible are the same, as no one will talk to you.

33.一拜天地从今受尽老婆气，二拜高堂为她辛苦为她忙，夫妻对拜从此勒紧裤腰带，送入洞房我跪搓板她睡床，唉，我是绵羊她是狼。
33. Bowing to the heavens and earth, from now on I’ll endure my wife’s temper; bowing to the ancestors, working hard for her; bowing to each other, tightening our belts; and in the bridal chamber, I kneel on the搓板 while she sleeps on the bed. Alas, I am the sheep and she is the wolf.

34.我要让全世界知道我很低调！
34. I want the whole world to know that I am low-key!

35.上帝造就你是他的创意，你能活在这世上是你的勇气。
35. God created you as his creation, and it’s your courage that allows you to live in this world.

36.只想优雅转身，不料华丽撞墙。
36. I just wanted to turn around gracefully, but I ended up hitting the wall brilliantly.

37.一懒猫疯狂地追求一老鼠终于结婚，婚后猫对老鼠百般苛护，老鼠很快变胖，老鼠很感动：亲爱的为什么对我这么好呀！猫嘿嘿笑道：等你再胖一点就知道了。
37. A lazy cat madly pursued a mouse and finally got married. After marriage, the cat took good care of the mouse, and the mouse quickly became fat. The mouse was touched and asked, “Dear, why are you so good to me?” The cat chuckled, “You’ll find out when you get fatter.”

38.学士上面是硕士，硕士上面是博士，博士上面是博士后，博士后上面呢？如果你够勇敢再读两年是勇士，再读五年是壮士，再读七年是烈士，烈士以后呢？国家会推出圣斗士，读满两年是青铜的，年是白银的，年是黄金的。
38. Above a bachelor’s degree is a master’s degree, above a master’s is a doctorate, and above a doctorate is a postdoctoral degree. What’s above a postdoc? If you are brave enough to study for two more years, you become a warrior; five more years, a hero; and seven more years, a martyr. After a martyr? The country will introduce the Saints, two years for a Bronze Saint, five years for a Silver Saint, and eight years for a Gold Saint.

39.老鼠一发威，大家都是病猫。
39. When a mouse gets angry, everyone becomes a sick cat.

40.我把棉裤那么一脱，春姑娘就轻盈地来了。
40. As I took off my cotton pants, the spring girl came gracefully.

41.女人啊女人，容貌和知识择其一吧，两者俱得，两者俱失，都是悲剧收场。真相啊真相，越是接近事实的真相就越是难以取信于人。
41. Women, choose between appearance and knowledge; having both or neither will end in tragedy. The truth, the closer it is to the facts, is harder to believe.

42.人每叹气只要花.秒，然而每个人呢在一生之中平均会叹气两万次，但是这要视忧郁程度的不同而有所增减，总之两万次的.秒呢，换算起来一共是分钟，从我刚刚跟你见面到现在你这一辈子还有分钟可以用。
42. Every sigh takes 0.3 seconds, and on average, a person sighs 20,000 times in their life. However, this number may vary depending on the degree of melancholy. In total, 20,000 times 0.3 seconds equals 6,000 minutes. From the moment I met you until now, you have 6,000 minutes left in your life.

43.不想当厨子的裁缝，不是好司机。
43. A tailor who doesn’t want to be a chef is not a good driver.

44.你若使用美人计，我就将计就计。
44. If you use the beauty tactic, I will play along.

45.泡妞就像钓鱼  泡妞就像钓鱼，要全面撒网，重点培养。
45. Flirting with girls is like fishing; you need to cast a wide net and focus on key areas.

46.如果说剪掉头发就是剪掉回忆，那我剪成光头是不是可以失忆。
46. If cutting my hair means cutting memories, will shaving my head make me amnesiac?

47.逗女孩子开心的笑话一：初中时，有个女生为了长高就狂喝牛奶，结果只长胸不长个。一日，老师进教室上课，看到两三个同学趴在桌上睡觉，便逐个叫醒。回到讲台后，老师扫视了下全班同学，最后将…
47. Joke to make a girl laugh: In junior high, a girl drank lots of milk to grow taller but only grew her chest. One day, the teacher entered the classroom and woke up two or three students sleeping on their desks. After returning to the podium, the teacher scanned the class and then…

48.世态炎凉鸡最懂，人情冷暖鸭先知。
48. Chickens understand the world’s ups and downs best, while ducks know human warmth and coldness first.

49.我吞下一颗春药，世界立刻变得性感起来。
49. I swallowed a Viagra, and the world instantly became sexy.

50.太空行走这么危险的事情都很安全，喝奶这么安全的事却很危险！
50. Spacewalking is such a dangerous thing, yet drinking milk, which is supposed to be safe, is actually dangerous!

51.一直在上网  上网有意思吗？为了弄清楚这个问题，我就一直在上网。
51. I’ve been surfing the internet constantly. Is it interesting? To figure this out, I’ve been surfing the internet non-stop.

52.我只流过一次鼻血，还是误把卫生巾当口罩了！
52. I’ve only had a nosebleed once, and it was because I mistakenly used a sanitary pad as a mask!

53.拾到两角钱很高兴，拿起来一看是“一九九二年”的钱，“这钱过期了”
53. I was happy to find 20 cents, but when I picked it up, I saw it was from “1992” and thought, “This money has expired.”

54.人生，总有笑不完的幽默和随处的快乐。
54. In life, there’s always endless humor and happiness everywhere.

55.童鞋们，看见瞎扯蛋的，都给他们投个蛋。
55. Friends, when you see someone talking nonsense, throw an egg at them.

56.突然想到一个很严肃的学术性问题，是谁把分定为及格的。
56. I suddenly thought of a very serious academic question: who decided that a score of 60 is passing?

57.所有刻骨铭心的爱都灵魂游离于床上的瞬间！
57. All unforgettable love is soul-stirring in the moments spent in bed!

58.波大精深，言简意赅的概括了作为一个优秀女人和一个优秀男人的必备要素！
58. “Big breasts and profound knowledge” succinctly summarizes the essential qualities of an excellent woman and an excellent man!

59.夜深人静的时候，我常常问自己，当初决定来地球，到底是对是错！
59. In the dead of night, I often ask myself, was it right or wrong for me to have decided to come to Earth?

60.如果说烧一年的香可以与你相遇，烧三年的香可以与你相识，烧十年的香可以与你相惜。所以，为了我下辈子的幸福，我愿意──改信基督！
60. If burning incense for a year can bring us together, for three years can make us acquainted, and for ten years can make us cherish each other, then for the sake of my happiness in the next life, I’m willing to convert to Christianity!

61.与领导一起干件好事，不如与领导干一件坏事。
61. It’s better to do something bad with a leader than to do something good with them.

62.丝袜是权力的象征，女人穿了能征服男人，男人戴了能征服银行！
62. Stockings are a symbol of power; when worn by women, they can conquer men, and when worn by men, they can conquer banks!

63.男人疼的时候说“额”，女人疼的时候说“啊”；但是男人爽的时候说“啊”，女人爽的时候说“额”！
63. Men say “ah” when they’re in pain, and women say “oh”; but men say “oh” when they’re pleasured, and women say “ah”!

64.男人靠的住，母猪能上树。
64. If a man is reliable, then pigs can climb trees.

65.你干过最愚蠢的事情是什么啊？网上说：蛋清可以护发，洗澡时候把一只鸡蛋抹在头发上了，结果是水太烫，成了一头的蛋花了。
65. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done? I read online that egg whites can condition hair, so I put an egg on my hair while taking a shower. The water was too hot, and I ended up with egg whites all over my hair.

66.你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊。
66. Let me kneel on a washboard instead; I can’t stand kneeling in front of an electric heater.

67.孩子，改天你家电脑中病毒了，就说明你长大了！
67. Child, when your computer gets a virus one day, it means you’ve grown up!

68.其实BTchina和VeryCD两个站点的名字就预示了事件的走向：“变态中国，非常操蛋。
68. In fact, the names of the two websites, BTchina and VeryCD, already foreshadowed the course of events: “Abnormal China, Extremely Fucked Up.”

69.念了十几年书，还是幼儿园比较好混。
69. After studying for more than ten years, I still think kindergarten is easier to get by in.

70.老婆给我出了个脑筋急转弯，说是鱼缸里养了一条金鱼和一只乌龟，有一天金鱼死了，为什么？ 我说被乌龟咬死了，她说不是。我说金鱼生病了，她说不是。 我实在猜不出来了，就问答案。 她说乌龟也在纳闷呢…… 。
70. My wife gave me a brain teaser, saying that there was a goldfish and a turtle in the fish tank. One day, the goldfish died. Why? I said it was bitten to death by the turtle, but she said no. I said the goldfish got sick, and she said no again. I couldn’t guess the answer, so I asked her. She said even the turtle was wondering…

71.如果少壮不努力，回家只能开夏利。
71. If you don’t work hard in your youth, you’ll only be able to drive a Xiali when you go home.

72.跟你当这么久的朋友，你一直都很关心我，我却时常给你添麻烦，真不知该怎么报答你。所以，下辈子作牛作马，我一定会拔草给你吃的…。
72. As a friend for so long, you’ve always cared about me, but I often cause trouble for you. I really don’t know how to repay you. So, in the next life, when I’m a cow or a horse, I’ll definitely graze for you…

73.你眼睛瞪的跟地球似的干嘛啊？
73. Why are your eyes wide open like the Earth?

74.我不是优乐美，我只是敌敌畏，你想把我捧在手心么。
74. I’m not Yo Le Mei, I’m just DDT. Do you want to hold me in your palm?

75.公交车上，站着的孕妇对身旁坐着的陌生男子说：你不知道我怀孕了吗？只见男子很紧张的样子道：可孩子不是我的呀！
75. On the bus, a pregnant woman standing said to a strange man sitting next to her: “Don’t you know I’m pregnant?” The man replied nervously, “But the child isn’t mine!”

76.我也曾有过一双翅膀，不过我没用它在天上翱翔，而是放在锅里炖汤。
76. I once had a pair of wings, but instead of soaring in the sky, I cooked them in a pot of soup.

77.本人有一个岁的儿子，晚上不爱睡，早上不爱起，昨天又赖床了，我问他为啥还不起床，他说没睡醒粘床上了，我问他昨晚干啥去了，他说涂胶水去了！
77. I have a 3-year-old son who doesn’t like to sleep at night and doesn’t like to get up in the morning. Yesterday, he refused to get out of bed again. I asked him why he hadn’t gotten up yet, and he said he was still sleepy and stuck to the bed. I asked him what he did last night, and he said he went to apply glue!

78.废话是人际关系的第一句。
78. Nonsense is the first sentence of interpersonal relationships.

79.爱情就是犯贱，而且还是一次又一次的犯贱。什么时候你不犯贱了，女人就来了！
79. Love is being cheap, and doing it again and again. When you stop being cheap, women will come to you!

80.宝贝儿，等发工资了我就带你去洗澡！
80. Baby, when I get paid, I’ll take you to take a bath!

81.A：你不要像苍蝇一样盯着我。B：谁盯着你，你以为你是屎啊！
81. A: Don’t stare at me like a fly. B: Who’s staring at you? Do you think you’re shit?

82.别拿你的木马，挑战我的密码。
82. Don’t challenge my password with your Trojan horse.

83.我和我父亲的相似之处是不同的。
83. The similarity between my father and me is that we are different.

84.穿着的特质  穿潮了，潮过头就是非主流，穿性感，性感过头就是坐台的。
84. The characteristics of dressing: dressing fashionably, but too much is considered non-mainstream; dressing sexy, but too much is considered like a hostess.

85.好几天没吃饭了，看谁都像烙饼。
85. I haven’t eaten for several days, and everyone looks like a pancake to me.

86.就算是一坨屎，也有遇见屎壳郎的那天。所以你大可不必为今天的自己有太多担忧。
86. Even a turd will meet a dung beetle one day. So you don’t have to worry too much about yourself today.

87.要挑熟女，裙子好揪。
87. To pick a mature woman, choose one with an easy-to-grab skirt.

88.上帝说，要有光，我说我反对，从此世界上有了黑暗。
88. God said, “Let there be light,” but I said I’m against it, and since then, there has been darkness in the world.

89.我拼命奔跑，却甩不开紧紧跟随的伤悲……
89. I run desperately, but I can’t shake off the tightly following sorrow…

90.避孕的效果：不成功，便成人。
90. The effectiveness of contraception: if it doesn’t succeed, it becomes an adult.

91.我也曾有过一双翅膀，不过我没用它在天上翱翔，而是放在锅里炖汤。
91. I once had a pair of wings, but instead of soaring in the sky, I cooked them in a pot of soup.

92.在猪圈里，你不必讲究人类的礼仪。
92. In a pigsty, you don’t need to follow human etiquette.

93.一老伙计丢车，当他把新买的一辆车放在楼下时他上了三把锁并夹了一张纸：让你丫偷！第二天车没丢，并且多了两把锁和一张纸，上写着：让你丫骑！
93. An old buddy lost his bike; when he parked his newly bought one downstairs, he locked it with three locks and attached a note: “Go ahead and steal it!” The next day, the bike was still there, with two more locks and a note: “Go ahead and ride it!”

94.我们一直觉得花枝招展的美女败家，其实未必，丑女人往往败得更厉害。肤白貌美的出门都不用擦粉，黑不溜秋的才只好天天美白；前凸后翘的找块布裹在身上都美艳动人，大胖妞想穿件礼服都得跑好几家裁缝店；天生大长腿的穿什么鞋都有型有款，脚肥腿粗的咋穿都丑只好买一双扔一双，所以你看，丑是天生的债。
94. We always think that gorgeous women are extravagant, but it’s not necessarily true. Ugly women often spend more. Fair-skinned beauties don’t need makeup when they go out, while dark-skinned ones have to use whitening products daily; those with curves can look stunning in any cloth, while overweight women have to visit several tailors to find a dress; naturally tall and leggy women can wear any shoes and still look fashionable, while those with thick legs and feet can only buy and throw away shoes one after another. So you see, ugliness is an innate debt.

95.今天胃又赢了  我有一颗减肥的心和一个吃货的胃，他们天天PK，我掐指一算，艾玛，今天胃又赢了。
95. Today, my stomach won again. I have a heart for losing weight and a stomach for eating. They fight every day, and I calculate that,哎呀, my stomach won again today.

96.班里有两个同学谈恋爱，班主任发现后叫来双方家长，双方家长聊了聊发现对方家庭情况都还不错，就订婚了！
96. Two classmates in our class fell in love. After the class teacher discovered it, he called both sets of parents. The parents chatted and found that both families were quite well-off, so they got engaged!

97.人家有的是背景，而我有的只是背影。
97. Others have backgrounds, while all I have is a background.

98.我跟富二代唯一的共同点就是“二”。
98. The only thing I have in common with rich second-generation is “second.”

99.我一生气就想买东西，一买东西就得花钱，一花钱钱就少，钱一少我就生气！
99. When I get angry, I want to shop; when I shop, I have to spend money; when I spend money, there’s less of it; when there’s less, I get angry!

100.我想我是个变态，我有恋母和喜欢极品熟女的癖好。不然为什么每次看到我们超市主管的那张脸，我都想操她奶奶？
100. I think I’m a pervert; I have a mother complex and a penchant for high-quality mature women. Otherwise, why do I always want to sleep with our supermarket manager’s grandmother whenever I see her face?

1.你的未来有赖于你的梦想。所以，睡觉去吧。
1. Your future depends on your dreams. So, go to sleep.

2.曾经和朋友仰望天空，我们俩都哭了，她哭是因为失恋，我哭是因为扭到了脖子。
2. Once, a friend and I looked up at the sky, and we both cried. She cried because of a breakup, while I cried because I twisted my neck.

3.中华文明源远流长，所以很多地方在漫长的历史中几易其名。不得不说，有些地方改得真的很坑爹好嘛！驻马店曾经叫汝南，枣庄曾经叫兰陵，合肥原来叫泸州！啊啊啊啊，有些地名改的，简直，不能忍！
3. Chinese civilization has a long history, so many places have changed their names several times throughout history. Some of these name changes are really unbearable! Zhumadian used to be called Runan, Zaozhuang used to be called Lanling, and Hefei was originally called Luzhou! Ahh, some of these name changes are just intolerable!

4.傍大款——是最温柔的劫富济贫方式。
4. Marrying a wealthy person is the most gentle way of redistributing wealth.

5.做男人，还是顶比较舒服！
5. It’s more comfortable to be a man with a flat top!

6.春天，你在后山种下一个女朋友，到了秋天，结出那漫山遍野的绿帽子！
6. In spring, you plant a girlfriend on the back mountain, and by autumn, the green hats spread all over the mountains.

7.男人最痛苦的三件事：被情人撞见陪老婆买菜；被老婆撞见同情人逛街；被老婆和情人同时堵在巷子里。
7. The three most painful things for a man: being caught by a lover while shopping with his wife; being caught by his wife while walking with a mistress; being cornered in an alley by both his wife and mistress.

8.脸是用来养眼的，眼是用来看脸的。
8. The face is for pleasing the eyes, and the eyes are for looking at the face.

9.看一漂亮MM，苦无搭讪办法，路旁一砖头，拣起，上前，“同学，这是你掉的吧？”
9. Saw a beautiful girl, but had no idea how to strike up a conversation. I found a brick on the side of the road, picked it up, and approached her, “Excuse me, did you drop this?”

10.没有医保和寿险的，天黑后不要见义勇为。
10. If you don’t have medical or life insurance, don’t be a hero after dark.

11.金刚是脑袋被门夹了的笨蛋；你见过椰子树长香蕉么？
11. King Kong must be a fool with a squeezed head; have you ever seen a coconut tree bearing bananas?

12.真奇怪，你吸进去了那么多的勇气，吐出来的却都是叹息。
12. It’s strange how you take in so much courage, yet all you吐 out is sighs.

13.您好，您所拨打的电话已去世，请来世再拨。
13. Hello, the number you have dialed has passed away, please try again in the next life.

14.等以后中国发达了，让老外来翻译文言文。
14. When China becomes more developed, we’ll have foreigners translate classical Chinese.

15.人不当官显不出坏。
15. People don’t show their true colors unless they’re in power.

16.年轻的时候，我们常常冲着镜子做鬼脸；年老的时候，镜子算是扯平了。
16. When we’re young, we often make faces at the mirror; when we’re old, the mirror does the same to us.

17.你只是过客，我只是路过，我们只是擦肩而过。
17. You’re just a passerby, I’m just a traveler, we merely brushed past each other.

18.最烦躁的就是那些穿短裙还穿保险裤的，你们这样穿简直就是侮辱了短裙。
18. It’s most annoying when people wear short skirts with shorts underneath; it’s an insult to the short skirt.

19.看到一毛钱，还用痛苦么？直接丢给旁边乞讨的哥们，让他郁闷去吧…
19. If you see a dime, do you still feel pain? Just throw it to the beggar beside you and let him be depressed.

20.只要锄头舞的好，那有墙角挖不倒？
20. As long as you dance the hoe well, there’s no corner that can’t be dug down.

21.你讲我坏话时能不能别添油加醋，以为炒菜啊。
21. When speaking ill of me, can you stop exaggerating, thinking you’re stir-frying a dish?

22.大哥，把你脸上的分辨率调低点好吗？
22. Big brother, can you lower the resolution on your face, please?

23.“我可以亲你吗？”“不可以。”“我刚才说了什么？”“我可以亲你吗？”“可以。”
23. “May I kiss you?” “No.” “What did I just say?” “May I kiss you?” “Yes.”

24.英国姑娘自己滑倒，把意大利人铲翻，临走前拽了韩国人，力保李坚柔夺冠。比最后一枪脱靶拱手让金牌的美国人埃蒙斯还够意思。不仅自己脱靶，还把其他选手都突突死了。
24. The British girl slipped, knocked over the Italian, grabbed the South Korean before leaving, and ensured Li Jianrou’s victory. Even more considerate than the American Emmons, who missed the last shot and handed over the gold medal, not only missing the target but also eliminating other competitors.

25.拜托大小姐，请不要用你那装浆糊的脑袋，思考这么高深的问题好吗？我已经不能语言来与你进行沟通了。你以为你的话，是人都要理解，都要当成真理吗？拜托，我又不是你男朋友，要惯着你！
25. Please, miss, don’t use your浆糊-filled brain to think about such profound questions, okay? I can no longer communicate with you in language. Do you think everyone has to understand your words and treat them as the truth? Come on, I’m not your boyfriend; I don’t have to spoil you!

26.下午坐公交，拿出公交卡咣当投进投币孔里。
26. In the afternoon, while taking the bus, I took out my bus card and threw it into the coin slot with a clang.

27.白加黑：白天踩一人，不瞌睡；晚上再踩一人，睡得香。
27. White plus black: Step on one person during the day, no drowsiness; step on another at night, sleep like a baby.

28.爱她，就给她穿上婚纱，然后再亲手扒光。
28. If you love her, dress her in a wedding gown, and then strip her naked with your own hands.

29.分手之后，我不奢求什么。只希望你以后的女人一个不如一个！
29. After breaking up, I don’t expect anything. I just hope that the women you meet from now on are not as good as me!

30.我不喜欢只和一个女人上很多次床，而是喜欢和很多女人只上一次床。
30. I don’t like to sleep with one woman many times; instead, I prefer to sleep with many women just once.

31.我一生气就想买东西，一买东西就得花钱，一花钱钱就少， 钱一少我就生气。
31. When I’m angry, I want to buy things. When I buy things, I have to spend money. When I spend money, my money decreases. When my money decreases, I get angry.

32.百度查了下米怎么得第一，最佳答案是女朋友正在终点被调戏。
32. I searched Baidu for how to come in first place in rice, and the best answer was that my girlfriend was being harassed at the finish line.

33.“人无完人”的意思是没有一个人是完整的吗？
33. “Nobody is perfect” means that no one is complete, right?

34.哥守了年的处男之身，终于在昨天晚上…变成年了。
34. I guarded my virginity for years, and finally, last night… it became a year.

35.周六不休，一天被偷；周日不休，被日一周。永久不休，尸体可收……
35. If you don’t rest on Saturday, you’ll be stolen for a day; if you don’t rest on Sunday, you’ll be stolen for a week. If you never rest, your body can be collected…

36.某天，上小学的小强拿着妈妈给的百元大钞去学校交书本费，可是那天学校没有收。回家路过小商店，小强偷偷花了元。到家后妈妈问：“交钱了吗？”小强：“今天没收。还给您吧。”妈妈生气地问：“怎么只有了？”小强抿抿嘴道：“回来的路上丢了元……。”
36. One day, Xiaoqiang, a primary school student, took a hundred-yuan bill his mother gave him to school to pay for textbooks, but the school didn’t collect it that day. On the way home, he secretly spent 10 yuan at a small store. When he got home, his mother asked, “Did you pay?” Xiaoqiang: “They didn’t collect it today. Here’s your money.” His mother angrily asked, “Why is there only 90 yuan left?” Xiaoqiang pursed his lips and said, “I lost 10 yuan on the way home…”

37.小学女生问老师：“我奶奶八十岁了，能怀孕吗？”老师：“不能！” 女生接着问道：“那我姐姐十八岁，会怀孕吗？” 老师：“能！” 女生又问：“那我八岁，能吗？” 老师：“不能！” 旁边的小男生：“嘿嘿嘿，我说没事吧。”
37. A primary school girl asked her teacher, “Can my 80-year-old grandmother get pregnant?” Teacher: “No!” The girl continued, “So, can my 18-year-old sister get pregnant?” Teacher: “Yes!” The girl asked again, “What about me, can I get pregnant at 8 years old?” Teacher: “No!” The little boy next to her chuckled, “Hehe, I told you it was fine.”

38.我每天都有且只有一个愿望——明天还活着！
38. I have one and only one wish every day - to be alive tomorrow!

39.我今天问电风扇我丑吗，它摇了一下午头.
39. Today, I asked the electric fan if I’m ugly, and it shook its head all afternoon.

40.男人被甩，金钱问题；女人被甩，相貌问题；我被甩，你他妈脑袋有问题。
40. When a man is dumped, it’s a money issue; when a woman is dumped, it’s a looks issue; when I’m dumped, you have a fucking problem in your head.

41.听君一席话，省我十本书。
41. Listening to your words has saved me from reading ten books.

42.毕竟在一起混了三年。彼此都太了解对方了，就跟兄弟一般，但即使是如此亲密的我俩，坐在桌子边，在开撮之前，我还是十分警惕的问了问他：“你洗手了么？”
42. After spending three years together, we know each other too well, just like brothers. But even with such a close relationship, sitting at the table before starting, I still asked him cautiously, “Did you wash your hands?”

43.既然宅女都自称居里夫人，那么作为宅男，请叫我毕加索（闭家锁）。
43. Since homebody women call themselves Madame Curie, as a homebody man, please call me Picasso (lock yourself at home).

44.年，有人买得起苹果五代，但是，有人连五袋苹果都买不起！
44. In 2012, some people could afford the fifth-generation Apple, but others couldn’t even afford five bags of apples!

45.爷爷都是从孙子走过来的……
45. Grandfathers were once grandsons…

46.父母忽悠孩子叫教育，孩子忽悠父母叫欺骗。互相忽悠叫代沟！
46. Parents deceiving their children is called education; children deceiving their parents is called cheating. Deceiving each other is called a generation gap!

47.吃饭的时候，老婆问我：“谁是世界上最美的女人？”我不假思索地答道：“不知道，我只认识你一个女人！”老婆满意地点点头，现在我妈准备跟我断绝母子关系。
47. During dinner, my wife asked me, “Who is the most beautiful woman in the world?” Without hesitation, I answered, “I don’t know, I only know you, a woman!” My wife nodded in satisfaction, but now my mom is planning to cut off our mother-son relationship.

48.问君能有几多愁，恰似一群太监上青楼。
48. Ask how much sorrow one can have; it’s like a group of eunuchs visiting a brothel.

49.如果照镜子要上税，恐怕有些女人会破产。
49.If there were a tax for looking in the mirror, some women might go bankrupt.

50.我脸圆我肉多，我没事可以揉自己脸玩。你瘦你没肉，你没事只能看我揉脸玩。
50.I have a round face and lots of flesh; I can amuse myself by rubbing my face when I’m idle. You’re thin and have no flesh, so you can only watch me rub my face when you’re idle.

51.女人感叹男人：有才华的长得丑；长得帅的挣钱少；挣钱多的不顾家；顾家的没出息；有出息的不浪漫；会浪漫的靠不住；靠的住又窝囊。男人感叹女人：漂亮的不下厨房；下厨房的不温柔；温柔的没主见；有主见的没女人味；有女人味的乱花钱；不乱花钱的不时尚；时尚的不放心；放心的没法看。
51.Women lament about men: Those with talent are ugly; those who are handsome earn less; those who earn more don’t care about their families; those who care about their families are unambitious; those with ambition are not romantic; those who are romantic are unreliable; those who are reliable are wimps. Men lament about women: Beautiful women don’t cook; those who cook are not gentle; those who are gentle have no opinions; those with opinions lack femininity; those with femininity spend money recklessly; those who don’t spend money are not fashionable; those who are fashionable are not trustworthy; those who are trustworthy are unbearable to look at.

52.上初中还很萌的时候，有个女同学叫许一竹，拼音简写就是“XYZ”，她一直引以为傲，觉得自己名字的缩写很帅气，就在自己的所有文具上都写上花体的XYZ三个字母。直到有一天，班长拿起她的一支铅笔，看着上面刻着的三个字母XYZ，慢慢念道：“小…淫…贼。”
52.When I was in junior high school and still cute, there was a female classmate named Xu Yizhu, whose abbreviation was “XYZ” in pinyin. She was proud of it, thinking her name’s abbreviation was very cool, and wrote the fancy XYZ on all her stationery. One day, the class monitor picked up one of her pencils, looked at the three letters XYZ engraved on it, and slowly read: “Little… lecher…”

53.今天经理接待了外国友人，俩人全程国语交流相谈甚欢。后来老外还把手机里录的家庭视频分享给经理看，经理看着看着就抱怨道：“哎哟！这没有字幕，我也看不懂呀！”
53.Today, the manager received foreign friends, and they had a pleasant conversation in Mandarin throughout. Later, the foreigner even shared a family video from his phone with the manager. The manager watched and complained, “Oh dear! There are no subtitles, I can’t understand it!”

54.我最近真的很忙，甚至一天都很难保证有小时的睡眠！
54.I’ve been really busy lately, and it’s hard to even guarantee an hour of sleep a day!

55.我以后生个儿子名字要叫“好帅”，那别人看到我就会说“好帅的爸爸”。
55.When I have a son in the future, I want to name him “Hao Shuai” (which means “handsome” in Chinese), so that when people see me, they will say, “What a handsome father!”

56.早恋的结果是早婚，早婚的结果是早孕，早孕的结果是早生，早生的结果是早恋。这是一个恶性循环！
56.The result of early love is early marriage; the result of early marriage is early pregnancy; the result of early pregnancy is early childbirth; the result of early childbirth is early love. It’s a vicious cycle!

57.我擦，手机看新闻看多了，看报纸还想双击把图片放大！
57.Damn, I’ve read too much news on my phone; now I want to double-click to enlarge the pictures when I read the newspaper!

58.天哪！我的衣服又瘦了。
58.Oh my! My clothes have shrunk again.

59.钞票只有用掉了以后才是你的，打开皮夹子，看看没有用掉的钞票，上面印的是“中国人民银行”，跟你没关系。
59.Money is only yours after you’ve spent it. Open your wallet and look at the unused bills; they’re printed with “People’s Bank of China,” which has nothing to do with you.

60.女人对你说“讨厌”的时候表明她喜欢你，男人对你说“讨厌”的时候他是真的讨厌你。
60.When a woman says “I hate you,” it means she likes you; when a man says “I hate you,” he really dislikes you.

61.很多人说婚姻是爱情的坟墓，但是能够入土为安的爱情总比暴尸街头要好。
61.Many people say that marriage is the grave of love, but a love that can be laid to rest is better than one left exposed on the streets.

62.爱情其实很简单：就是在自己吃好吃的时候心里想着对方，然后拍下来发给她。
62.Love is actually very simple: it’s thinking of each other when you’re eating something delicious and then taking a picture and sending it to them.

63.你长的丑不是你的错，可是出来吓人就是你的错！
63.It’s not your fault that you’re ugly, but scaring people when you come out is your fault!

64.这个世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
64.In this world, I only trust two people: one is me, and the other is not you.

65.学了个新词儿，穷人不叫穷人， 叫“待富者”，瞬间感觉高端洋气。
65.I learned a new term: the poor are not called poor anymore, they are called “the soon-to-be-rich,” which instantly feels more sophisticated and elegant.

66.每当半夜的时候，打电话叫谁起床上厕所是一个很纠结的问题。
66.It’s a dilemma to decide whom to call at midnight to get up and go to the bathroom.

67.要么忍，要么残忍！
67.Either endure, or be ruthless!

68.不要吃着碗里的惦记锅里的，直接抱着锅吃多省心。
68.Don’t covet what’s in the pot while eating from your bowl; just hold the pot and eat, it’s much more convenient.

69.连贝克汉姆都不知道，你丫还有什么资格敢跟我谈篮球！
69. If you don’t even know David Beckham, how dare you talk about basketball with me!

70.生时何需久睡，死后自会长眠。
70. There’s no need for long sleep while alive, for we shall sleep long after we die.

71.男女调情的时候，诞生了最具特色的汉字：凹凸。
71. When men and women flirt, the most distinctive Chinese character is born: “Ao Tu” (凹凸).

72.拿份报纸上厕所，俺是读书人。
72. Bringing a newspaper to the toilet, I’m a scholar.

73.刚在街边看见一超正女神级MM，上前搭讪“你也等公交啊？”女神撇了我一眼“学生吧？走开点，姐在等生意呢！”
73. Just saw a super gorgeous goddess-level girl on the street, I approached her and said, “Are you waiting for the bus too?” The goddess glanced at me and said, “Student, move away. I’m waiting for business!”

74.再过几十年，我们来相会，送到火葬场，全部烧成灰，你一堆，我一堆，谁也不认识谁，全部送到农村做化肥。
74. In a few decades, we’ll meet again, sent to the crematorium, all burned to ashes, you a pile, me a pile, no one recognizing anyone, all sent to the countryside as fertilizer.

75.如果有一天我变成了流氓，请记得提醒我，我也曾经清纯过。
75. If one day I become a hooligan, please remember to remind me that I was once innocent.

76.学校不准谈恋爱。老师们都离婚吧！我们看着副作用。
76. School prohibits dating. Teachers should all get divorced! We’ll watch the side effects.

77.穿着的特质  穿潮了，潮过头就是非主流，穿性感，性感过头就是坐台的。
77. The characteristics of clothing: dressed trendy, too trendy becomes non-mainstream; dressed sexy, too sexy becomes like a hostess.

78.我了解你就像农民伯伯了解大粪。
78. I understand you just like a farmer understands manure.

79.一天，跟在街上相遇，不屑的看了一眼说：胖就胖呗，还系什么裤腰带啊！
79. One day, we met on the street, and with disdain, I said: “If you’re fat, just be fat. Why bother wearing a belt?”

80.都说女人是衣服,姐是你们穿不起的牌子。
80. They say women are clothes, but I’m a brand you can’t afford.

81.你的眼睛比诸葛亮还亮，你的爱比鲁智深还深，你的情比关云长还长，你的性格比谢霆锋还疯，你的诺言比孙悟空还空。长得丑真是难为你了，早上跑出来吓人，晚上跑出来吓鬼。
81. Your eyes are brighter than Zhuge Liang’s, your love is deeper than Lu Zhishen’s, your affection is longer than Guan Yunchang’s, your personality is crazier than Nicholas Tse’s, and your promises are emptier than Sun Wukong’s. It’s really hard for you being ugly, scaring people in the morning and ghosts at night.

82.我看你就一专业织网的，而且专捕企鹅。
82. I see you as a professional web weaver, and you specialize in catching penguins.

83.一对青年男女在公园约会时，女友特别想放屁，她想了个办法！女：你听过布谷鸟叫吗？男友：没听过。女：我给你学。学了几声后，该放的也已放完。女：听清了吗？男：放屁声太大，没听清。
83. A young couple was dating in the park, and the girl really wanted to pass gas. She came up with a plan! Girl: Have you heard the cuckoo bird’s call? Boyfriend: No. Girl: Let me imitate it for you. After imitating a few sounds, she had passed the gas. Girl: Did you hear it clearly? Boy: The fart was too loud, I couldn’t hear it clearly.

84.你难道就是皮卡丘的弟弟皮在痒？
84. Are you Pikachu’s brother, Pity the Itch?

85.上班的心情比上坟还要沉重。
85. The mood for going to work is heavier than visiting the grave.

86.在房子分类中，男的叫狗窝，女的叫闺房，男女一起的叫爱巢。
86. In housing classification, a man’s place is called a doghouse, a woman’s place is called a boudoir, and a place for both men and women is called a love nest.

87.哎呦我去，您这么忙还亲自上厕所那。
87. Oh my, you’re so busy and still take the time to use the restroom yourself.

88.要用心去爱你的邻居，不过不要让她的老公知道！
88. You should love your neighbor with all your heart, but don’t let her husband know!

89.精神失常的疯子不可怕。可怕是精神正常的疯子。
89. It’s not the mentally ill madmen that are scary. What’s truly frightening are the madmen with sound minds.

90.在街上，一青年骑摩托车撞倒了一骑三轮车的老太太。青年连忙扶起老太太说：“对不起，大娘,我是散光眼，我看到有两个骑三轮车的，我想从中间穿过去的。”
90. On the street, a young man riding a motorcycle knocked over an old lady on a tricycle. The young man quickly helped the old lady up and said, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I have astigmatism. I saw two people riding tricycles, and I wanted to pass through the middle.”

91.快期末了，大家一起跟我唱：“我家住在黄土高坡，大风从坡上刮过，不管是李宇春还是曾轶可，都是我滴哥我滴哥……我家住在黄土高坡，日头从坡上走过，不管是拜春哥，还是拜曾哥，保佑我及格，不挂科！”
91. As the end of the term approaches, let’s all sing together: “My home is on the loess plateau, where the strong wind blows from the slope. Whether it’s Li Yuchun or Zeng Yike, they are both my brothers, my brothers… My home is on the loess plateau, where the sun passes over the slope. Whether it’s worshiping Brother Chun or Brother Zeng, bless me to pass, not to fail!”

92.烧香的不一定是和尚，还可能是熊猫！
92. Not only monks burn incense, pandas can do it too!

93.给我一个支点，我把邻居那小子的汽车翘到沟里去，省得他见我就按喇叭。
93. Give me a fulcrum, and I’ll lift that neighbor kid’s car into the ditch, so he won’t honk at me whenever he sees me.

94.分手快乐，祝你快乐，你找不到比我更好的。
94. Happy breakup, I wish you happiness, for you won’t find anyone better than me.

95.是金子总是会发光的，你这个玻璃碴子就只能反光。
95. Gold will always shine, but you, a piece of glass, can only reflect light.

96.我诅咒你一辈子买方便面没有调料包！
96. I curse you to never find seasoning packs in instant noodles for the rest of your life!

97.我在马路边，看到一分钱，刚要弯腰捡，一看是口痰！——我靠，谁吐这么圆？
97. I was on the side of the road and saw a penny. Just as I was about to bend down to pick it up, I realized it was a glob of spit! – I靠, who spat so roundly?

98.生前何必久睡，死后自会长眠。
98. There’s no need to sleep long before death, as you’ll sleep forever afterward.

99.每次一照镜子，活下去的勇气又回来了。
99. Every time I look in the mirror, my courage to keep living comes back.

100.我爱你时，你说什么就是什么。我不爱你时，你说你是什么。
100. When I love you, whatever you say goes. When I don’t love you, who do you think you are?