1.大理石牌鞋垫，要脚不要脸。
1. Marble nameplate insoles, caring more about feet than face.
2.出来混，迟早会烦的。
2. If you mix in the world, you will eventually get annoyed.
3.打你就打你，还要挑日子吗？
3. If I want to hit you, do I still need to choose a day?
4.打个小麻将，吃个麻辣烫。找个小对象，生活就这样。
4. Play a small mahjong, eat some spicy hot pot. Find a small partner, and that’s life.
5.在这个什么都涨价的时代里，我突然欣喜地发现，空气没有涨价，反倒是料越来越多了。
5. In this era where everything is getting more expensive, I suddenly discovered with delight that the air hasn’t increased in price, but the ingredients have become more abundant.
6.迄今为止，三个苹果改变了世界:一个诱-惑了夏娃，一个砸醒了牛顿，一个握在乔布斯手里。
6. So far, three apples have changed the world: one tempted Eve, one awakened Newton, and one was held in Jobs’ hand.
7.挤在北京，给首都添麻烦了……
7. Being crowded in Beijing, causing trouble for the capital…
8.我就像一只趴在玻璃上的苍蝇，前途一片光明，而我却找不到出路。
8. I am like a fly on a glass window, with a bright future ahead, but I can’t find a way out.
9.大家都说我是个演员，是因为我一看见漂亮MM眼就圆……
9. Everyone says I am an actor because whenever I see a pretty girl, my eyes become round…
10.我床上的不知道是谁媳妇，我媳妇不知道在谁的床上！
10. I don’t know whose wife is in my bed, and my wife might be in someone else’s bed!
11.挤公车和地铁的时候，游刃有余。
11. Being skillful when squeezing onto public buses and subways.
12.要知道，对售货小姐说“有没有特大号的衣服”时，是一件很丢脸的事情;但是“这里的衣服都太肥了”却可以理直气壮地说出口。
12. You should know that it’s embarrassing to ask the salesgirl, “Do you have extra-large clothes?” However, you can say confidently, “The clothes here are all too fat.”
13.连汤加国王都命令全国减肥了。
13. Even the King of Tonga has ordered the whole country to lose weight.
14.遗传学淡定地告诉我们：跨物种恋爱注定是没有好结果的。
14. Genetics calmly tells us: interspecies love is doomed to have no good results.
15.月老啊！您能不要用山寨劣质的红绳给我牵姻缘？隔三差五断啊。
15. Matchmaker, can you please not use those counterfeit and low-quality red ropes to tie my marriage? They break every now and then.
16.何文轩曾对李清远说过一句话：你之所以还不是GAY，是因为还没遇到让你心动的男人。
16. He Wenxuan once said to Li Qingyuan: The reason you are not gay is that you haven’t met a man who makes your heart race yet.
17.呸！我耳朵都竖起来了，你就给我听这个？”
17. Ptui! I pricked up my ears, and this is what you give me to listen to?”
18.我无法拉伸生命的长度，但是我可以拓展生命的宽度。我胖了才显得你瘦，免得我瘦的时候显得你丑。
18. I can’t stretch the length of my life, but I can expand its width. I gain weight to make you look thinner, so that when I’m thin, I don’t make you look ugly.
19.我的读书生涯仅仅能做的两件事就是看学霸秀成绩，看情侣秀恩爱。
19. The only two things I can do during my school years are watching academic achievers show off their grades and watching couples show off their love.
20.咱们这个国度，人口资源丰富。但为何娶不到老婆的男人还是不计其数?是因为封建思想的束缚，打乱了男女的比例和数目，还是因为社会的退步，又重新开始了一夫多妻的制度?
20. Our country has abundant human resources. But why are there still countless men who can’t find wives? Is it because of feudal thinking that disrupts the ratio and number of men and women, or is it due to social regression, and the重新开始ed polygamy system?
21.冲动时我真恨不得变成动物，哪怕只是头卖力的牲畜。听凭主人的吩咐，不用感受做人的无助。或者干脆来个移花接木，彻底的做个变性手术。跑到人群中滥竽充数，也好让同胞们多一条可以选择的出路。
21. When I’m impulsive, I really wish I could become an animal, even just a hardworking beast of burden. To follow the orders of my master without experiencing the helplessness of being human. Or perhaps I could undergo a complete transformation and have a sex change surgery. Blend into the crowd and be a mediocre person, so as to provide my fellow humans with one more option to choose from.
22.光棍节到了，小鸟恋爱了，蚂蚁同居了，苍蝇怀孕了，蚊子流产了，蝴蝶离婚了，毛毛虫改嫁了，青蛙也生孩子了，你还在等什么呢?
22. Singles’ Day has arrived, the birds are in love, the ants are cohabiting, the flies are pregnant, the mosquitoes had a miscarriage, the butterflies got divorced, the caterpillars remarried, and even the frogs have had children. What are you waiting for?
23.街上的婚介星罗棋布。我也曾幻想著他们能帮我打开销路。然而最终的结果是让我明白了什么叫认贼作父，并被婚托儿们榨干了我几年的收入。
23. Marriage agencies are scattered all over the streets. I once fantasized that they could help me expand my market. However, the ultimate result was that I understood the meaning of “mistaking a thief for a father” and was drained of my income for several years by the marriage scammers.
24.众里寻她千百度，踏平脚下路。蓦然回首细环顾，大婶大娘无数。偶有美女光顾，还是有夫之妇，余下大多数，基本不堪入目。
24. After searching for her thousands of times, I treaded on the path beneath my feet. Suddenly looking back and taking a closer look, I found countless aunts and old ladies. Occasionally, a beautiful woman would come by, but she would already be married. The majority of the rest were simply unbearable to behold.
25.有个老太太都在缸里蹲半天了，多点时间让她透透气吧。
25. An old lady has been squatting in the jar for half a day, let her catch her breath for a while.
26.唱歌给我听，开心了就让你走。
26. Sing for me, and if it makes me happy, I’ll let you go.
27.在我尿频的时候你还在嘲笑我。
27. You were still mocking me when I was frequently urinating.
28.有些事，有些人，有些风景，一旦入眼入心，即便刹那，也是永恒。
28. Some things, some people, and some landscapes, once they enter your eyes and heart, even for a moment, become eternal.
29.逃得了和尚，逃不了方丈。
29. You may escape a monk, but you cannot escape the abbot.
30.现在生米都已经煮成稀饭了。
30. The raw rice has now been cooked into porridge.
31.唾沫是用来数钞票的不是用来讲理的。
31. Spit is for counting money, not for reasoning.
32.跟我打赌，不是看你要什么，而是看我有什么……
32. When betting with me, it’s not about what you want, but what I have…
33.你每天都和他们聊到半夜，他们哪有时间创造人类呢？
33. You chat with them until midnight every day; when do they have time to create humanity?
34.我肯定会被砍成薯片的。
34. I’m definitely going to be chopped into potato chips.
35.人生如戏，爱的是一个，结婚生子的又是另一个。很正常。
35. Life is like a drama; you may love one person, but marry another. It’s quite normal.
36.彪悍的人生是不需要解释的。
36. A fierce and powerful life requires no explanation.
37.好男人就是我我就是曾小贤。
37. A good man is me, and I am Zeng Xiaoxian.
38.你今天晚上必须给我上线，否则，我就把你名字写到碑上去。
38. You must log in tonight, or I will engrave your name on a tombstone.
39.说爱你，不一定是真的爱；说不爱你，那是真的一定爱过。
39. Saying “I love you” doesn’t necessarily mean true love; saying “I don’t love you” is truly proof of having loved before.
40.阿弥陀佛，出家人不打诳语。女施主，你的确是贫僧自东土出行至今所遇的，最美丽、最性感的女子，你看你这秀发，这玉手，这肌肤，这手感……
40. Amitabha, monks do not tell lies. Female devotee, you are indeed the most beautiful and sexy woman I have encountered since I embarked on this journey from the East. Look at your hair, your jade-like hands, your skin, and the touch of it…
41.我妈就生了我一个，你自己算算看我算老几呢。
41. My mom only gave birth to me, so you figure out my rank.
42.无聊对着电脑唱忐忑，唱完之后，电脑突然死机了。
42. Bored and singing “Taotie” to the computer, after singing, the computer suddenly crashed.
43.如果你是一个胖纸，记住不要围红色的围巾。不然你会很像QQ。
43. If you are a chubby person, remember not to wear a red scarf. Otherwise, you will look like QQ.
44.女施主，贫僧修为尚浅，还不能隔衣为你疗伤，得罪了。
44. Female benefactor, I am still a novice in my cultivation and cannot heal your wounds through your clothes. I apologize.
45.你等着吧，总有一天我会让你成为我未来儿子的妈妈。
45. You wait, one day I will make you the mother of my future son.
46.人活着是为什么？就为了那一张张伟大的毛爷爷。
46. What is the purpose of living? It’s all for those great Chairman Mao notes.
47.内练一口气，外练一口屁。
47. Cultivate your inner breath and outer fart.
48.能动手，就尽量别吵吵。
48. If you can take action, try not to argue.
49.能抗洪的尿布湿，才是真正的尿布湿！
49. A diaper that can withstand floods is a real diaper!
50.你穿的很危险，但长得很安全。
50. You dress dangerously, but you look safe.
51.非诚勿扰女嘉宾再牛也就灭一个男的的灯，宿舍楼下阿姨能灭一整楼的!
51. The female guest on “If You Are the One” can extinguish the light of only one man, but the aunt downstairs can extinguish an entire building!
52.一直对发型不满意的人，有一个共同点:不肯承认这是脸的问题。
52. People who are always dissatisfied with their hairstyle have one thing in common: they refuse to admit it’s a face issue.
53.我把所有的记忆串联成一部电影，一部悲剧就生产了。
53. I’ve strung all my memories together into a movie, and a tragedy has been created.
54.都说姐漂亮，其实都是妆出来的。
54. Everyone says my sister is beautiful, but it’s all made up.
55.挨饿这事，干得好就叫减肥;掐人这事，干得好就叫按摩;发呆这事，干得好就叫深沉;偷懒这事，干得好就叫享受;死皮赖脸这事，干得好就叫执著;装傻这事，如果干的好，那叫大智若愚。
55. Starving can be called dieting if done well; pinching can be called massage if done well; daydreaming can be called deep thinking if done well; being lazy can be called enjoying if done well; being shameless can be called persistence if done well; acting foolish, if done well, is called feigning ignorance.
56.友情就像花瓶一样，被人一捣鼓就碎了。
56. Friendship is like a vase, easily shattered when tampered with.
57.心中充满爱，看天下美女都是情人。
57. If your heart is full of love, all the beautiful women in the world are your lovers.
58.你走你的阳光道，我走我的地下道。
58. You take your sunshine path, and I’ll take my underground path.
59.起的比鸡早，睡的比猫晚，赚的比秃子的毛还少。
59. Wake up earlier than a rooster, sleep later than a cat, and earn less than a bald man’s hair.
60.装成熟、是往老里打扮的行为。
60. Acting mature is dressing older.
61.忽然发现自从我配了眼镜就不敢出门了。
61. Suddenly, I find that I dare not go out since I got my glasses.
62.好寂寞，连欲望都被我挣脱。
62. So lonely, even my desires have been broken free from me.
63.给我一双筷子。我可以吃掉整个地球。
63. Give me a pair of chopsticks, and I can eat the whole Earth.
64.出问题先从自己身上找原因，别一便秘就怪地球没引力。
64. When there’s a problem, look for the cause within yourself, don’t blame the Earth’s gravity for your constipation.
65.也因寂寞难耐，谈过几次恋爱。谁知屡战屡败，轻轻松松被踹！
65. Also because of unbearable loneliness, I’ve had a few relationships. But every time I failed, and was easily kicked out!
66.白天瞎JB忙，晚上JB瞎忙。
66. Busy all day for no reason, and still busy at night for no reason.
67.做一个徘徊在牛A和牛C之间的人。
67. Be a person wandering between A and C.
68.问：“我的头像牛B吗？”答：“像！
68. Ask: “Is my avatar awesome?” Answer: “Yes, it is!
69.老板，帮我理一个忧伤点的发型！谢谢！
69. Boss, please give me a hairstyle that looks more sorrowful! Thank you!
70.脸皮怎么那么厚，让猪皮情何以勘。
70. How can your face be so thick, making pig skin feel embarrassed.
71.美女眼前过，不泡是罪过。
71. When a beautiful woman passes by, it’s a sin not to flirt.
72.蓦然回首，你咋还没走。
72. Suddenly looking back, why haven’t you left yet?
73.恶人从不搞笑，恶人要抓紧时间做恶。
73. Evil people never make jokes, they need to seize time to do evil.
74.恶人说：再说俺是恶人，俺就害死你!
74. The evil person says: If you call me an evil person again, I will kill you!
75.不管多大岁数的人类成员，在钱面前，一概年轻。
75. No matter how old a human being is, they all become young in front of money.
76.鸭子太嚣张，兔子太多嘴，我是猪，我很乖。
76. Ducks are too arrogant, rabbits talk too much, I am a pig, and I am well-behaved.
1.我和脂肪做斗争，差点没牺牲。
1. I struggled with fat, and almost didn’t make it.
2.成人不自在，自在不成人。
2. Adults are not comfortable, comfort is not for adults.
3.爱你的时候，你是西施；恨你的时候，你是僵尸！
3. When I love you, you are Xi Shi; when I hate you, you are a zombie!
4.中华儿女千千万，这个不行咱就换。
4. There are thousands of Chinese people, if this one doesn’t work, we can change to another.
5.你是风儿我是沙，你是皮鞋我是刷，你不理我我自杀。
5. You are the wind, I am the sand; you are the shoe, I am the brush. If you ignore me, I’ll commit suicide.
6.炫富就像孔雀开屏，一心想展示华丽的外表，却被人看见了屁眼。
6. Flaunting wealth is like a peacock spreading its feathers, intending to show off its gorgeous appearance, but people end up seeing its rear.
7.我们只要有一颗自信心，神马都米有鸭梨。
7. As long as we have self-confidence, there will be no pressure like a duck with rice.
8.偷吃不是我的错，是我嘴巴的寂寞。
8. It’s not my fault for sneaking a bite; it’s the loneliness of my mouth.
9.世界上最遥远的距离，就他妈是星期一到星期五。
9. The longest distance in the world is, damn it, from Monday to Friday.
10.自从人晒黑了，脸色好看了，牙齿变白了，喝酒都不脸红了。
10. Ever since people got tanned, their faces looked better, their teeth got whiter, and they don’t blush when drinking alcohol anymore.
11.我掐指一算，发现你命里缺我。
11. I calculated with my fingers, and found that you lack me in your life.
12.一直对发型不满意的人，有一个共同点：不肯承认这是脸的问题。
12. People who are always dissatisfied with their hairstyles have one thing in common: they refuse to admit that it’s a face issue.
13.原本想一口一口吃掉忧愁，不料却一口一口吃成胖子。
13. I wanted to eat my worries away one bite at a time, but unexpectedly, I became a fat person one bite at a time.
14.我喜欢的人，都在硬盘里。
14. The people I like are all inside my hard drive.
15.傻与不傻，要看你会不会装傻。
15. Being silly or not depends on whether you know how to pretend to be silly.
16.你不是VIP，甚至不是V，你丫只是个P。
16. You’re not a VIP, not even a V; you’re just a P.
17.挂个蚊帐在里面裸睡，挑逗蚊子，把它急死。
17. Sleep naked inside a mosquito net, teasing the mosquitoes and driving them crazy.
18.人生苦短，必须性感。
18. Life is short; we must be sexy.
19.从天堂到地狱，哥只是路过人间。
19. From heaven to hell, I’m just passing through the world.
20.把你家的地址说出来，我要把它改成公共厕所。
20. Tell me your home address; I want to turn it into a public toilet.
21.吃什么鱿鱼丝、墨鱼丝的，给我上点美人鱼丝。
21. What are you eating squid silk or cuttlefish silk for? Bring me some mermaid silk.
22.再丑也要谈恋爱，谈到世界充满爱。
22. No matter how ugly, we must still fall in love, so that the world will be full of love.
23.穷耐克，富阿迪，流氓一身阿玛尼。
23. Poor people wear Nike, rich people wear Adidas, and gangsters wear Armani.
24.抽，是一种生活艺术；找抽，是一种生活态度。
24. Smoking is an art of living; asking for a beating is an attitude of life.
25.众里寻他千百度，没病你就走两步。
25. I searched for him thousands of times in the crowd, if you’re not sick, just take a few steps.
26.每次临时抱佛脚的时候，佛总是给我一脚。
26. Every time I try to seek help at the last minute, Buddha always kicks me.
27.天上不会掉馅饼，因为我们不相信。
27. There are no free lunches, because we don’t believe in them.
28.我说这位壮士，你在我伤口上撒完盐，就别再尝尝咸淡了吧。
28. I say, sir, after you’ve sprinkled salt on my wound, please don’t taste it for saltiness anymore.
29.宁可胖的精致，也不要瘦的雷同。
29. I’d rather be uniquely fat than identically thin.
30.装逼只是瞬间，不要脸才是永恒。
30. Pretending is just a moment, but shamelessness is eternal.
31.您别看我长得像没头脑，其实我是不高兴。
31. Don’t look at me like I’m mindless, I’m just unhappy.
32.有一种爱叫放手，手放开后，请你快走。
32. There’s a kind of love called letting go, after you let go, please leave quickly.
33.不想叛师的徒弟，都是不成才的徒弟。
33. Disciples who don’t want to betray their masters are untalented.
34.男人的实力，就是你兜里的人民币。
34. A man’s strength is the Renminbi in your pocket.
35.瞧你这长相，不用化妆就能去演恐怖片了。
35. Look at your appearance, you can act in a horror movie without makeup.
36.没用的东西，再便宜也不买；不爱的人，再寂寞也不依赖。
36. Don’t buy useless things, no matter how cheap; don’t rely on those you don’t love, no matter how lonely.
37.作为一个吃货，吃东西并不代表我饿了，只是因为嘴巴寂寞了。
37. As a foodie, eating doesn’t mean I’m hungry, it’s just because my mouth is lonely.
38.先别鄙视我，给你个号码牌，先排队，到你的时候再鄙视。
38. Don’t despise me first, here’s a number card, line up first, and despise me when it’s your turn.
39.晚上想想千条路，早上起来走原路。
39. At night, I think of thousands of paths, but when I get up in the morning, I still follow the same path.
40.乞丐：大嫂，我两天没吃饭了，能给点儿蛋糕吗？大嫂：蛋糕？我这儿只有米饭。乞丐：要是平常也就算了，可今天是我的生日！
40. Beggar: Sister, I haven’t eaten for two days, can you give me some cake? Sister: Cake? All I have here is rice. Beggar: If it were ordinary days, it would be fine, but today is my birthday!
41.今天四级听力听得最清楚的一句：现在请监考老师把磁带拿出来翻到B面继续听。
41. The clearest sentence I heard in today’s CET-4 listening test: Now please ask the proctor to take out the tape and turn it over to side B to continue listening.
42.嘻嘻和哈哈是一对好朋友，非常要好的朋友。有一天，哈哈死了，嘻嘻很难过，他走到哈哈的坟前说：“哈哈，你死了。”
42. Hehe and haha are good friends, very close friends. One day, haha died, and hehe was very sad. He went to haha’s grave and said, “Haha, you’re dead.”
43.曾经有个小女孩在楼上对我说：哥哥你好帅啊!我当即回了句：不帅不帅、随便长的。
43. Once a little girl upstairs said to me: Brother, you are so handsome! I immediately replied: Not handsome, not handsome, just casually grown.
44.写什么写，就是写了你会信么？什么？你真信，你怎么那么幼稚啊！
44. What are you writing? Would you believe it even if I wrote it? What? You really believe it? How naive of you!
45.瞎子点灯，或许不是一种愚蠢，亦或是一种智慧，甚至气度……
45. Lighting a lamp as a blind man may not be foolish, but rather wise, or even magnanimous…
46.我故意学习，故意工作，故意生活，故意活得像个人！
46. I deliberately study, deliberately work, deliberately live, and deliberately live like a human being!
47.穿别人的鞋，走自己的路，让他们找去吧。
47. Wear other people’s shoes and walk your own path, let them search for you!
48.他们说我是BT，让我去做CT，结果我是ET。
48. They say I’m BT, asked me to do a CT, and it turns out I’m ET.
49.袋鼠：唉，没钱，口袋再大也还是鼠！
49. Kangaroo: Alas, no money, even with a big pocket, I’m still a rat!
50.乌贼：娘的，满肚子墨水居然也会是贼吗！
50. Cuttlefish: Damn it, having a belly full of ink and still being considered a thief!
51.青春就像卫生纸。看着挺多的，用着用着就不够了。
51. Youth is like toilet paper. It seems like there’s plenty, but as you use it, it runs out.
52.“老师，我想请假。”“你怎么了？”“我晕课。”“滚！”“谢谢老师！”
52. “Teacher, I want to ask for leave.” “What’s wrong with you?” “I’m dizzy from class.” “Get out!” “Thank you, teacher!”
53.每过一天，我就在日历上打个圈。到星期天的时候，才发现日子被我过成了省略号。
53. Every day that passes, I make a circle on the calendar. On Sundays, I realize that I’ve turned my days into ellipses.
54.你的人生，总结起来就八个字儿——生的荒唐，死的窝囊……
54. Your life can be summarized in eight words - born absurdly, die miserably…
55.哥们儿，瞧你这IQ……是加利敦（家里蹲）大学物理（屋里）系的吧？
55. Buddy, looking at your IQ… Did you study at Jia Liden (stay-at-home) University, Physics (indoor) department?
56.小子，今儿是怎么了？出门儿吃错药了？还是忘吃药了？
56. Kid, what’s going on with you today? Did you take the wrong medicine when you went out, or did you forget to take it?
57.你复杂的五官掩饰不了你朴素的智商！
57. Your complicated facial features cannot conceal your simple IQ!
58.金刚是脑袋被门夹了的笨蛋；你见过椰子树长香蕉么？
58. King Kong is a fool with a squeezed head; have you ever seen a coconut tree bearing bananas?
59.你不能让所有人满意，因为不是所有人都是人。
59. You can’t satisfy everyone because not everyone is human.
60.姐从来不抄袭，但没说不复制。
60. Sister never copies, but that doesn’t mean I don’t replicate.
61.失败是成功她后妈，看见孩子老失败也不帮她！
61. Failure is success’s stepmother, seeing the child always failing but not helping her!
62.别再逼我，再逼，我就在地上划个圈圈咒诅你被丑女强吻！
62. Don’t push me anymore, if you do, I’ll draw a circle on the ground and curse you to be forcibly kissed by an ugly woman!
63.我只为人民币服务，谢谢。
63. I only serve the Renminbi, thank you.
64.如果我死了，我的第一句话是：终于不用怕鬼了。
64. If I die, my first words will be: Finally, I don’t have to be afraid of ghosts anymore.
65.自从得了精神病，我的精神就好多了！
65. Ever since I got mental illness, my mental state has improved so much!
66.当你穿上了爱情的婚纱，我也披上了和尚的袈裟……
66. When you put on the wedding dress of love, I also donned the robes of a monk…
67.锻炼肌肉，防止挨揍！
67. Exercise your muscles to prevent getting beaten up!
68.如果回帖是一种美德，那我早就成为圣人了。
68. If replying to posts is a virtue, then I have long become a saint.
69.雷锋做了好事不留名，但是每一件事情都记到日记里面。
69. Lei Feng did good deeds without leaving his name, but he recorded every single one in his diary.
70.喝白酒一斤，我绝对没感觉，因为喝半斤就已经喝死了。
70. Drinking a jin (500ml) of white wine doesn’t affect me, because I’m already dead after drinking half a jin.
71.人人都说我丑，其实我只是美得不明显。
71. Everyone says I’m ugly, but in fact, I’m just not obviously beautiful.
72.老子不打你，你就不知道我文武双全。
72. If I don’t hit you, you’ll never know that I’m both cultured and martial.
73.我特别困的时候，道德标准也没有醒，老师们要小心了。
73. When I’m extremely sleepy, my moral standards are also asleep, so teachers should be careful.
74.笨男人+笨女人=结婚；笨男人+聪明女人=离婚；聪明男人+笨女人=婚外情；聪明男人+聪明女人=浪漫爱情。
74. Stupid man + stupid woman = marriage; stupid man + smart woman = divorce; smart man + stupid woman = affair; smart man + smart woman = romantic love.
75.上帝说要有光，我说我反对，于是，世界上有了黑暗。
75. God said there should be light, but I said I’m against it, so the world has darkness.
76.睡眠是一门艺术，谁也无法阻挡我追求艺术的脚步！
76. Sleeping is an art, and no one can stop me from pursuing artistic endeavors!
77.脸乃身外之物，可要可不要，钱乃必要之物，不得不要。
77. A face is an external thing, it can be discarded, but money is a necessity and must be obtained.
78.地理老师问：四大洋分别是那个？我答：喜羊羊美羊羊懒羊羊沸羊羊
78. Geography teacher asks: What are the four oceans? I answer: Pleasant Sheep, Beautiful Sheep, Lazy Sheep, and Boiling Sheep.
79.好累，想在后脑勺划一刀，然后瘫在地上装储蓄罐。
79. So tired, I want to cut a slit in the back of my head and collapse on the ground pretending to be a piggy bank.
80.爱情就像个响屁，高调的开始，低调的结束。
80. Love is like a loud fart, starting with fanfare and ending in silence.
81.黑夜给了我一双黑色的眼睛，可我却用它来翻白眼。
81. The night gave me a pair of black eyes, but I use them to roll my eyes instead.
82.照相是要抢时机的，刻意的永远不会好。
82. Taking photos is about seizing the moment; anything deliberate will never be good.
83.白加黑：白天踩一人，不瞌睡；晚上再踩一人，睡得香。
83. White plus black: Step on one person during the day, no drowsiness; step on another person at night, sleep soundly.
84.别打开礼物的缎带，最初充满期待，最后都腐败。
84. Don’t unwrap the gift ribbon, as it starts with anticipation and ends in decay.
85.将薪比薪想一下，算了，不想活了。
85. Comparing salary to salary, forget it, I don’t want to live anymore.
86.别惹我，否则我会让你死得很有节奏感。
86. Don’t provoke me, or I’ll make your death rhythmic.
87.老子不打你，你不知道我文武双全。
87. I won’t hit you, you don’t know I’m talented in both literature and martial arts.
88.你太矮了！借你望远镜吧，再看清楚点，我不帅吗？
88. You’re so short! Let me lend you a telescope to take a closer look. Am I not handsome?
89.我要做个下载软件，名字叫掩耳。因为迅雷不及掩耳。
89. I want to create a download software called “Covering Ears” because “swifter than covering one’s ears” (迅雷不及掩耳).
90.人家减肥减腰减屁股，为什么你非要从脑细胞开始。
90. Others lose weight from waist and buttocks, why do you have to start with brain cells?
91.现在的手机、电脑都流行触屏。有位朋友特别感慨：现在科技发展这么快，说不准哪天电视都触屏了。另外一朋友说：你傻啊！有遥控器不用，非要走过去用手指戳？
91. Nowadays, mobile phones and computers are popular with touchscreens. A friend said: “Technology is developing so fast, maybe one day TVs will have touchscreens too.” Another friend replied: “Are you stupid? Why not use the remote control and have to walk over and poke with your fingers?”
92.千万别混日子，当心日子把你给混了。
92. Never waste time, or you might get wasted by time.
93.如果这都不算爱，那我宁愿卖白菜。
93. If this is not love, I’d rather sell cabbages.
94.路漫漫其修远兮，不如我们去打的。
94. The road ahead is long and has no end, let’s just take a taxi.
95.就你这个样子，这个年龄，已经跌破发行价了。
95. With your appearance and age, you’ve already fallen below the issue price.
96.老师说：快要高考了，早恋的就不要吵架了，以免影响心情；没早恋的就不要表白了，以免被拒绝影响心情。
96. The teacher said: “The college entrance exam is approaching, those who are in puppy love should not quarrel, so as not to affect their mood; those who are not in love should not confess, so as not to be rejected and affect their mood.”
97.你脸上的痘真多拖拉机开上去都会翻车。
97. You have so many pimples on your face, even a tractor would overturn when driving over them.
98.问一个淡淡的问题：鸟儿为什么爱在电线上排排坐？最佳解释是在线才能聊天。
98. Ask a light question: Why do birds love to sit on power lines? The best explanation is that they can chat while online.
99.卖花的小姑娘拉着我：“大哥哥买花吧一看就知道你是花心的人。”
99. The flower-selling girl held my hand and said, “Big brother, buy flowers. I can tell you’re a flirtatious person.”
100.泼出去的水，老子连盆子都不要了。
100. The water I’ve poured out, I don’t even want the pot back.
1.即使你已名花有主，我也要移花接木。
1. Even if you’re already taken, I’ll still try to win you over.
2.鹅鹅鹅，曲项用刀割，拔毛加瓢水，点火盖上锅!
2. Goose, goose, goose, with a curved neck, cut with a knife, pluck feathers and add water, light the fire and cover the pot!
3.国家为什么没有拿你的脸皮去研究防弹衣呢?
3. Why hasn’t the country used your脸皮 to research bulletproof vests?
4.莫非阁下就是当年华山论贱的智障大师养的小沙弥低能狗旺财踩死的屎壳螂层滚过的的一颗粪球?
4. Are you the low-ability little monk raised by the mentally challenged master who discussed the art of being shameless on Mount Hua, and the dung beetle that was crushed by his dog, Prosperous Wealth, which rolled over a layer of dung?
5.你的笑容比阳光下那坨狗屎还灿烂。
5. Your smile is even more brilliant than that pile of dog poop under the sunlight.
6.那些总说别人装逼的人，你们连逼都不是。
6. Those who always call others show-offs are not even worth mentioning.
7.我不恨你，因为我不想记住你。
7. I don’t hate you, because I don’t want to remember you.
8.孔子曰：西游记就是孙悟空念咒，唐僧发疯。
8. Confucius said: The Journey to the West is about Sun Wukong chanting spells and Tang Sanzang going mad.
9.别人笑我太淫荡，我笑他人不开放。
9. Others laugh at me for being too lewd, but I laugh at them for not being open-minded.
10.对着电脑唱忐忑，唱完后，死机了。
10. I sang “Tantrum” to the computer, and after finishing the song, it crashed.
11.给我订两张去天庭的机票，我要亲自找月老，逼着他给我牵一条红线。
11. Book me two tickets to heaven; I want to find the Matchmaker and force him to tie a red thread for me.
12.其实，我有一个角度看上去很帅，只不过你们没有找到罢了。
12. In fact, there is an angle from which I look handsome, but you just haven’t found it yet.
13.友情不是靠酒喝出来的，但是可以用酒来回味！如果说你不装B的话咱们还可以做朋友。
13. Friendship is not built on drinking, but it can be reminisced with wine! If you don’t act like a show-off, we can still be friends.
14.三鹿和蒙牛告诉我们一个道理：畜生是靠不住的。
14. Sanlu and Mengniu teach us a lesson: Animals are not reliable.
15.我的兴趣爱好可分为静态和动态两种，静态就是睡觉，动态就是翻身…
15. My hobbies can be divided into static and dynamic, with static being sleeping and dynamic being turning over…
16.当江湖有了传说，不满城风雨，是对不起观众的。
16. When there are legends in the martial world, it would be a shame not to have a city in turmoil.
17.打死我也不说，你们还没使美人计呢！
17. I won’t tell you even if you kill me, because you haven’t used the beauty tactic yet!
18.大理石牌鞋垫，要脚不要脸。
18. Marble insole pads, caring more about your feet than your face.
19.给我一个支点，我把邻居那小子的汽车翘到沟里去，省得他见我就按喇叭。
19. Give me a fulcrum, and I’ll lever that neighbor kid’s car into the ditch, so he won’t honk at me every time he sees me.
20.我还年青，需要指点。但是，不需要您对我指指点点…
20. I’m still young and need guidance, but I don’t need you pointing fingers at me…
21.你讲我坏话时能不能别添油加醋，以为炒菜啊。
21. When speaking ill of me, can you stop exaggerating, thinking you’re stir-frying?
22.没钱的时候，在家里吃野菜，有钱的时候，在酒店吃野菜。
22. When I have no money, I eat wild vegetables at home; when I have money, I eat wild vegetables at the hotel.
23.俺从不写措字，但俺写通假字！
23. I never make typos, but I do write pseudo-characters!
24.勃起不是万能的，但不能勃起却是万万都不能的！
24. Erections aren’t omnipotent, but not being able to get an erection is absolutely unacceptable!
25.你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
25. You might as well make me kneel on a washboard; I can’t stand kneeling on an electric heater!
26.女人一生最喜欢两朵花：一是有钱花，二是尽量花！
26. In a woman’s life, she loves two kinds of flowers: one is spending money, and the other is trying to spend more!
27.两只鸳鸯同命鸟，一对蝴蝶可怜虫。
27. Two mandarin ducks share the same fate, while a pair of butterflies are pitiful creatures.
28.现在生米都已经煮成稀饭了。
28. Now the raw rice has already been cooked into porridge.
29.唾沫是用来数钞票的不是用来讲理的。
29. Spit is for counting money, not for reasoning.
30.跟我打赌，不是看你要什么，而是看我有什么……
30. Betting with me isn’t about what you want, it’s about what I have…
31.你每天都和他们聊到半夜，他们哪有时间创造人类呢？
31. You chat with them until midnight every day; they don’t have time to procreate!
32.我肯定会被砍成薯片的。
32. I’m definitely going to be chopped into potato chips.
33.人生如戏，爱的是一个，结婚生子的又是另一个。很正常。
33. Life is like a drama; you love one person, but marry and have children with another. It’s normal.
34.彪悍的人生是不需要解释的。
34. A fierce and powerful life requires no explanation.
35.好男人就是我我就是曾小贤。
35. A good man is me, and I am Zeng Xiaoxian.
36.你今天晚上必须给我上线，否则，我就把你名字写到碑上去。
36. You must log in tonight, or else I’ll engrave your name on a tombstone.
37.说爱你，不一定是真的爱；说不爱你，那是真的一定爱过。
37. Saying “I love you” doesn’t necessarily mean true love; saying “I don’t love you” is definitely a sign of having truly loved.
38.阿弥陀佛，出家人不打诳语。女施主，你的确是贫僧自东土出行至今所遇的，最美丽、最性感的女子，你看你这秀发，这玉手，这肌肤，这手感……
38. Amitabha, as a monk, I don’t tell lies. My dear lady, you are indeed the most beautiful and sexy woman I’ve encountered since leaving the East. Look at your hair, your hands, your skin, the touch…
39.我妈就生了我一个，你自己算算看我算老几呢。
39. My mom only gave birth to me, so you figure out my rank.
40.无聊对着电脑唱忐忑，唱完之后，电脑突然死机了。
40. Bored, I sang “Tan Te” to my computer, and after I finished, the computer suddenly crashed.
41.如果你是一个胖纸，记住不要围红色的围巾。不然你会很像QQ。
41. If you are a chubby person, remember not to wear a red scarf. Otherwise, you’ll look like QQ.
42.女施主，贫僧修为尚浅，还不能隔衣为你疗伤，得罪了。
42. Dear lady, my cultivation is still shallow, and I cannot heal your wounds through your clothes. I apologize.
43.天上掉钞票我不会弯腰，因为天上连馅饼都不会掉，更别说掉钞票了。
43. I won’t bend down to pick up banknotes from the sky because even pies don’t fall from the sky, let alone banknotes.
44.下雨了，别忘了打伞，湿身是小，淋病就麻烦啦！
44. It’s raining, don’t forget to bring an umbrella. Getting wet is a minor issue; catching a cold would be troublesome!
45.活了二十多年，没能为祖国为人民做点什么，每思及此，伤心欲绝。
45. I’ve lived for more than 20 years and haven’t done anything for my country and people. Thinking about this makes me heartbroken.
46.鸵鸟的幸福，只是一堆沙子。
46. The happiness of an ostrich is just a pile of sand.
47.一觉醒来，天都黑了。
47. I woke up and it was already dark outside.
48.为什么一看书，就困呢？因为书，是梦开始的地方。
48. Why do I feel sleepy when I read a book? Because a book is where dreams begin.
49.在这低调的世界里，我不得不用高调来掩饰自己。
49. In this low-key world, I have no choice but to use a high-profile to cover myself.
50.会演戏的不一定都是演员，会装的一定就是孙子。
50. Not everyone who can act is an actor, but those who can pretend are definitely grandkids.
51.不听老人言，死在我面前，唔唔唔！
51. If you don’t listen to the elderly, die in front of me, uh-uh-uh!
52.在家不能对着手机笑，家长会以为你在恋爱。
52. At home, don’t laugh at your phone, or your parents will think you’re in love.
53.不管瘦的时候美成啥样，胖了之后都一个德行。
53. No matter how beautiful you are when you’re thin, once you’re fat, you all look the same.
54.黑夜给了我一双黑色的眼睛，可我却用它来翻白眼。
54. The night gave me a pair of black eyes, but I use them to roll my eyes.
55.吃货的人生就像一列火车，总结起来就是，逛吃，逛吃，逛吃。
55. A foodie’s life is like a train, which can be summarized as, eat and shop, eat and shop, eat and shop.
56.诸葛亮出山前也没带过兵啊，你们凭啥要我有工作经验！
56. Zhuge Liang didn’t lead troops before he came out of the mountain, so why do you expect me to have work experience?
57.不要同没有素质的人争论，因为那就像与猪摔跤，赢了不光荣，输了更丢人。
57. Don’t argue with people who have no quality, because it’s like wrestling with a pig. Winning is not glorious, and losing is even more humiliating.
58.哥吸烟，是因为它伤肺，不伤心。
58. I smoke because it hurts my lungs, not my heart.
59.凡事皆有代价，快乐的代价便是痛苦。
59. Everything has a price, and the price of happiness is pain.
60.你等着吧，总有一天我会让你成为我未来儿子的妈妈。
60. You wait, one day I will make you the mother of my future son.
61.人活着是为什么？就为了那一张张伟大的毛爷爷。
61. Why do people live? Just for those great Chairman Mao notes.
62.我想说我就一苦逼，世界末日的那天就是我的生日。
62. I want to say I’m a loser, and the day of the end of the world is my birthday.
63.承诺，就像放屁，当时惊天动地，过后苍白无力。
63. Promises are like farts, shocking and powerful at the time, but pale and weak afterward.
64.借朋友的车开，朋友说还的时候要给车加油。还车时，我冲车鼓了鼓掌。
64. I borrowed a friend’s car and was told to refuel it when returning it. When I returned the car, I clapped for it.
65.给我一个女人，我可以创造一个民族，给我一瓶酒，我可以带领他们征服全世界！
65. Give me a woman, and I can create a nation; give me a bottle of wine, and I can lead them to conquer the world!
66.生下来的人没有怕死的，怕死的都没生下来，所以谁都别装横！
66. No one is born afraid of death; those who are afraid of death were never born, so don’t act tough!
67.如果考试用QB做奖励，那么国家马上就会富强的。
67. If exams used QB as rewards, the country would become strong and prosperous immediately!
68.大哥，把你脸上的分辨率调低点好吗？
68. Big brother, could you please lower the resolution of your face?
69.天塌下来你顶着，我垫着！
69. If the sky falls, you hold it up, and I’ll cushion it!
70.“特别能吃苦”这个字，我想了想，我只做到了前四个。
70. “Especially able to endure hardship” – I thought about it, and I’ve only managed the first four characters.
71.初恋无限好，只是挂得早。
71. First love is infinitely beautiful, but it ends too soon.
72.敬告各位家长：请不要骂自己的孩子是“小兔崽子”，因为从遗传学的角度讲，这对你们自己是非常不利的。
72. A warning to all parents: Please do not call your children “little rabbit brats,” because from a genetic perspective, it is very unfavorable to you.
73.谁骂我傻B我跟谁好，我就喜欢和B交朋友。
73. If you call me a fool, I’ll be friends with you; I just like making friends with people like B.
74.世界上最远的距离不是你我天各一方，而是同窗不同房。
74. The farthest distance in the world is not that we are separated by the sky, but that we are in the same classroom but different rooms.
75.江山如画皮，人生如梦遗。
75. The landscape is like a painted leather, and life is like a forgotten dream.
76.不要说别人脑子有病，脑子有病的前提是必须有个脑子。
76. Don’t say others have brain problems; having brain problems presupposes that you must have a brain.
77.不蒸馒头争口气行吗?
77. Can we fight for our dignity without steaming buns?
78.不要乐观的像个屁一样，自以为能惊天动地。
78. Don’t be so optimistic like a fart, thinking you can shake the heavens and move the earth.
79.是人都有阴暗面，如果你偏说你很单纯，那我只能说，你不是人！
79. Everyone has a dark side; if you insist on saying you are innocent, then I can only say, you are not human!
80.有时候，除了谎言是真的，其它全是假的！
80. Sometimes, apart from lies, everything else is fake!
81.鸳鸯戏水，都他妈淹死；比翼双飞，都他妈摔死！
81. Mandarin ducks playing in water, all of them drown to death; birds flying wing to wing, all of them fall to their death!
82.我想说我就一苦逼，世界末日的那天就是我的生日。
82. I want to say I’m just a loser, and the day of the apocalypse is my birthday.
83.人活着是为什么？就为了那一张张伟大的毛爷爷。
83. What is the purpose of living? It’s all for those great Chairman Mao notes.
84.长得丑不是你的错，你老实er的不行么，非得得瑟一下，让我们知道你是大哥。
84. It’s not your fault for being ugly; can’t you just be honest? Do you have to show off and let us know you’re the boss?
85.到处都有痛苦，而比痛苦更为持久且尖利伤人的是，到处都有抱有期望的等待。
85. There is suffering everywhere, and what is more enduring and painful than suffering is the waiting filled with expectations that is everywhere.
86.和你擦肩而过你却不知道是我，因为我把头扭过去了。
86. I passed by you, but you didn’t know it was me because I turned my head away.
87.即使有人骂我神经病，我也会坚强的抬起头蔑视的对他说“你难道和我一个医院的?
87. Even if someone calls me a lunatic, I will raise my head strong and contemptuously say to him, “Are you from the same hospital as me?”
88.戒烟容易，戒你太难!
88. Quitting smoking is easy, but quitting you is too hard!
89.考试时，本想要咸鱼翻锅的，他奶奶的，没想到粘锅了。
89. During the exam, I wanted to turn the tide, but damn it, I ended up sticking to the pan.
90.没有人在世界上能够“弃”你，除非你自己自暴自弃。因为我们是属于自己的，并不属于他人。
90. No one in the world can “abandon” you unless you give up on yourself. Because we belong to ourselves, not to others.
91.从前有人在我空间里跑堂，不到两秒钟，嘎的一下就死了。
91. Once, someone ran through my space, and in less than two seconds, they suddenly died.
92.大部分人一辈子只做三件事：自欺、欺人被人欺。
92. Most people do three things in their lives: deceive themselves, deceive others, and be deceived by others.
93.你的年龄有多大，我不关心。我想知道，为了爱，为了梦，为了生机勃勃的奇遇，你是否愿意像傻瓜一样冒险?
93. I don’t care how old you are. I want to know, for love, for dreams, for vibrant adventures, are you willing to take risks like a fool?
94.顾客不是上帝，顾客只是上当。
94. Customers are not God; customers are just being deceived.
95.人间正道是沧桑，活的不要太嚣张。
95. The right path in life is full of vicissitudes; don’t live too arrogantly.
96.请不要把我对你的容忍，当成你不要脸的资本。
96. Please don’t take my tolerance of you as your capital for shamelessness.
97.你匍匐在地上仰视别人，就不能怪人家站得笔直俯视你。
97. If you crawl on the ground and look up at others, you can’t blame them for standing straight and looking down at you.
98.步步高打火机，哪里不会点哪里。
98. Buckle up lighter, where you don’t know, light it up.
99.男人不能惯，越惯越混蛋。女人就得宠，越宠越有种，还是别人的。
99. Men should not be spoiled; the more they are spoiled, the more they become jerks. Women should be pampered; the more they are pampered, the more they have character, but they still belong to others.
100.穿的一个比一个危险，长得一个比一个安全。
100. The clothes are more dangerous than each other, and the looks are safer than each other.
1.我身在江湖，但江湖里却没有我得传说。
1. I am in the world of martial arts, but there is no legend about me in it.
2.说了晚安去睡的人、往往半小时以后还在得瑟。
2. People who say goodnight and go to sleep often still show off half an hour later.
3.我总在牛a与牛c之间徘徊。
3. I always wander between A and C.
4.有钱的都是大爷!但是欠钱不还的更是!
4. The rich are all masters! But those who owe money and don’t pay back are even more so!
5.天使之所以会飞，是因为她们把自己看得很轻。
5. Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.
6.我太纯洁了，我纯洁的都有些无耻了！
6. I’m so pure that I’m a little shameless!
7.谢谢你，谢你大爷，谢你全家，谢你祖宗十八代！
7. Thank you, thank your grandpa, thank your whole family, thank your ancestors eighteen generations!
8.春色满园关不住，我诱红杏出墙来。
8. The spring scenery fills the garden but cannot be contained; I lure the red apricot out of the wall.
9.再过几十年，我们来相会，送到火葬场，全部烧成灰，你一堆，我一堆，谁也不认识谁，全部送到农村做化肥。
9. In a few decades, we’ll meet again, sent to the crematorium, all burned to ashes, you a pile, me a pile, no one recognizing anyone, all sent to the countryside as fertilizer.
10.有妞不泡，大逆不道；见妞就泡，替天行道；大腿细细，身怀绝技，屁股小小，没完没了！
10. Not chasing girls is a great sin; chasing every girl is doing heaven’s will; thin thighs, unique skills, small buttocks, endless!
11.以为隐身别人就找不到我，没有用的，象我这么拉风的女人，无论在哪里，都象黑夜中的萤火虫一样耀眼。
11. Thinking that being invisible would make it hard for others to find me is useless. A woman as dazzling as me stands out like a firefly in the dark, no matter where I am.
12.现在的人喝点酒也很装Bi。动不动就说。我现在喝酒就是白的一斤半啤的随便干。我想问下你的胃是下水道吗？
12. Nowadays, people who drink a little alcohol act pretentious. They say, “I can drink a jin and a half of white wine and beer随便干 (randomly).” I’d like to ask, is your stomach a sewer?
13.连起床这么难的事情你都做到了，接下来的一天还有什么能难倒你！
13. If you can accomplish something as difficult as getting out of bed, what else in the day can stop you?
14.大金链子，小手表。一天三顿小烧烤。青春献给小酒桌。醉生梦死就是喝。社会小酒天天喝。早晚死在小饭桌。
14. Big gold chains, small watches. Three meals a day of barbecue. Youth is dedicated to the small drinking table. Drunk and dreaming of life and death, just drinking. Socializing with alcohol every day, sooner or later, you’ll die at the small dining table.
15.惹气了我，我把地图吃了，这叫气吞山河。
15. If you make me angry, I’ll eat the map, and that’s called swallowing mountains and rivers.
16.叶子的离去，是树的不挽留，还是风的追求？
16. The leaves leave, is it because the tree doesn’t hold on, or because of the wind’s pursuit?
17.家里有钱，开一13开门的凯迪拉克。一听声音就知道是好机器，德国进口的，“突突突突”。一开起来，半个北京城冒黑烟。
17. With money at home, I drive a 13-door Cadillac. Just by listening to the sound, you know it’s a good machine, imported from Germany, “tutututu.” When I start driving, half of Beijing City emits black smoke.
18.你像风轻盈，你像水温柔，你像雾朦胧，你像月浪漫，你像日热情，你像海宽容，你像牛健康，你像龟长寿，你像兔可爱，总之一句话：你没一点像人！
18. You are as light as the wind, as gentle as water, as hazy as fog, as romantic as the moon, as passionate as the sun, as tolerant as the sea, as healthy as a cow, as long-lived as a turtle, as cute as a rabbit. In short, you don’t have a single human trait!
19.你知道男人这一生最痛苦的事情是什么吗？是没媳妇。那你知道男人更痛苦的事情是什么吗？有媳妇，跟别人跑了。
19. Do you know the most painful thing in a man’s life? It’s not having a wife. And do you know what’s even more painful for a man? Having a wife who runs away with someone else.
20.当我为我容貌深深自卑的时候，我想，没事，等我有钱了，和谁都有缘。等我有钱了之后，我就去整容了，医生看了看我说，钱不是所有问题都能解决的。
20. When I felt deeply inferior about my appearance, I thought, “It’s okay, when I get rich, I’ll be有缘 (fated) with everyone.” After I got rich, I went to get plastic surgery. The doctor looked at me and said, “Money can’t solve all problems.”
21.如果你对目前的工作不太满意，觉得事业发展到了一个瓶颈，那么就去进修一个更高的学历吧，这样的话，毕业以后你就会明白，之前的失败跟学历似乎没什么关系。
21. If you’re not satisfied with your current job and feel your career has hit a bottleneck, then go and pursue a higher degree. That way, after graduation, you’ll realize that your previous failures seem to have nothing to do with your education.
22.富翁接受采访说，你很难想象我年轻时候吃过多少苦，当过黄牛，搞过搬运，做过走私……记者：我们都看到这些历练让你走向成功了。富翁说，不是，后来我终于娶了一个有钱的老婆。
22. A wealthy man said in an interview, “You can’t imagine how much hardship I went through when I was young: I was a scalper, a mover, and even involved in smuggling…” The reporter said, “We see that these experiences have led you to success.” The wealthy man replied, “No, it was when I finally married a rich wife.”
23.只要你每天坚持自习，认真刻苦，态度端正，忍受孤独，最终的胜利肯定是属于那些考场上发挥好的人。
23. As long as you persist in self-study every day, work diligently and seriously, maintain a proper attitude, and endure loneliness, the ultimate victory will definitely belong to those who perform well on the exam.
24.青年靠什么混日子？头等青年靠出身，二等青年靠关系，三等青年靠天资，四等青年靠努力，五等青年耍文艺，六等青年打游戏，穷游，看美剧。
24. What do young people rely on to get by? First-class youths rely on their family background, second-class youths rely on connections, third-class youths rely on natural talent, fourth-class youths rely on hard work, fifth-class youths indulge in the arts, sixth-class youths play games, travel on a shoestring budget, and watch American TV series.
25.只有能力强会被当成纯技术人员；而光会社交拍马又会被认为没有真才实学；所以，要想在单位中脱颖而出，最重要的是有关系。
25. Only those with strong abilities will be considered as mere technical personnel; while those who are good at socializing and flattering will be regarded as lacking real talent. Therefore, to stand out in a unit, the most important thing is to have connections.
26.拾到两角钱很高兴，拿起来一看是“一九九二年”的钱，“这钱过期了”
26. I was delighted to find 20 cents, but upon closer inspection, it was from “1992,” and the money has expired.
27.现在的梦想决定着你的将来，还是再睡一会吧！
27. Your current dreams determine your future; maybe I should take a nap instead!
28.刚才在一个网站上注册了一个用户名叫“爹”，结果给我发了一个邮件，开始我一看就傻眼了，上面写的是：爹，您好，你的用户名注册成功了！
28. I just registered a username “Dad” on a website, and they sent me an email. At first glance, I was stunned, as it said: Dad, hello, your username has been successfully registered!
29.如果照镜子要上税，恐怕有些女人会破产。
29. If there were a tax for looking in the mirror, some women would probably go bankrupt.
30.逃课太多，一天想去上课，见到教授，教授惊讶地说，这么长时间不见，长这么大了。
30. Skipping too many classes, one day I wanted to attend a lecture. Upon seeing the professor, he was surprised and said, “Long time no see, you’ve grown so much!”
31.钻石恒久远，一颗就破产！
31. Diamonds are forever, but one can lead to bankruptcy!
32.走自己的路，让别人打车去吧！
32. Walk my own path and let others take taxis!
33.当初我看上你，因为我脑子进水了，现在我脑子抖干了。
33. I was attracted to you initially because I had water on the brain; now my brain is dry.
34.早上刚一起床，就有一股睡午觉的冲动。
34. As soon as I get up in the morning, I feel an urge to take a nap.
35.腾讯的“正在输入”，给了多少人希望，又给了多少人失望。
35. Tencent’s “Typing” has given hope to many, and disappointment to just as many.
36.“特别能吃苦”这5个字，我想了想，我只做到了前四个。
36. The five characters “especially good at enduring hardship,” I thought about it, and I’ve only managed to achieve the first four.
37.早回家的男人，讲故事给老婆听;晚回家的男人，编故事给老婆听。
37. Men who come home early tell stories to their wives; men who come home late make up stories for their wives.
38.如果考试用QB做奖励，那么国家马上就会富强的。
38. If exams offered QB as a reward, the country would become strong and prosperous immediately.
39.竟然有人我涂了蓝眼影，那简直是在侮辱我得黑眼圈！
39. Someone actually said I looked good with blue eyeshadow – that’s an insult to my dark circles!
40.等我有钱了，我就买一辆公交车，专门走公交专用车道，专门停在公交车站，等有人想上车了，我就说：对不起，这是私家车。
40. When I’m rich, I’ll buy a bus and use the bus-only lanes, stopping only at bus stops. When someone wants to get on, I’ll say, “Sorry, it’s a private car.”
41.在公交车上，一个孕妇站在一个坐在凳子的年青男人前面，孕妇对他说:“难道你不知道我怀孕了吗?“那男的说:“对不起，这孩子不会是我的吧?”
41. On the bus, a pregnant woman stood in front of a young man sitting on a stool. She said to him, “Don’t you know I’m pregnant?” The man replied, “Sorry, but I don’t think the child could be mine.”
42.没有女人的日子里，我以调戏男人为乐。
42. In the absence of women, I take pleasure in teasing men.
43.岁月不饶人，首先饶不了女人;机会不等人，首先等不了男人。
43. Time shows no mercy, especially to women; opportunities don’t wait, particularly for men.
44.扔硬币，正面就去上网，反面就是睡觉，立起来就去写作业。
44. Flip a coin – heads means surfing the internet, tails means sleeping, and if it stands up, I’ll do my homework.
45.我是你的风筝，线在你手上，可陪伴我的只有风。
45. I am your kite, the string in your hand, but all I have is the wind for company.
46.拍脑袋决策，拍胸脯保证，拍屁股走人。
46. Make decisions with a slap on the head, guarantee with a pat on the chest, and leave with a pat on the butt.
47.人生就像卫生纸，没事的时候，尽量少扯!
47. Life is like toilet paper; when there’s no need, try not to pull too much!
48.你就是我心中的那首忐忑，总是让我惊心动魄。
48. You are the忐忑 in my heart, always making my heart race.
49.您复杂的五官，掩饰不了您朴素的智商。
49. Your complex facial features cannot hide your simple intelligence.
50.人和猪的区别就是：猪一直是猪，而人有时却不是人！
50. The difference between humans and pigs is that pigs are always pigs, while humans are not always human!
51.人家有的是背景，而我有的只是背影。
51. Others have backgrounds, but all I have is a silhouette.
52.哪里跌倒，哪里爬起。老是在那里跌倒，我怀疑那里有个坑！
52. If I fall somewhere, I will get up. If I keep falling there, I suspect there’s a pit!
53.我心眼儿有些小，但是不缺；我脾气很好，但不是没有！
53. My heart may be small, but it’s complete; my temper is good, but not nonexistent!
54.种草不让人去躺，不如改种仙人掌！
54. If you don’t allow people to lie on the grass, it’s better to plant cacti instead!
55.听君一席话，省我十本书!
55. Listening to your words saves me the effort of reading ten books!
56.不在课堂上沉睡，就在酒桌上埋醉。
56. If not dozing off in class, then getting drunk at the table.
57.吃，我所欲也，瘦，亦我所欲也，二者不可得兼，我了个去也。
57. Eating is what I desire, and so is being thin. Since I cannot have both, I’ll just go!
58.我在学校的生活仅仅能做的三件事，看学霸秀成绩，看情侣秀恩爱，看土豪炫富;更惨的是：看土豪秀成绩，看学霸秀恩爱，看情侣炫富。
58. The three things I can do at school are: watch the top students show off their grades, watch couples show off their love, and watch the wealthy show off their riches. What’s worse: watch the wealthy show off their grades, the top students show off their love, and couples show off their wealth.
59.锄禾日当午，上班好辛苦。上完一上午，还要上下午。不上没钱花，心里更痛苦。为了好日子，辛苦就辛苦!
59. Hoeing the field under the midday sun, working is so tiring. After working in the morning, there’s still the afternoon. Without working, there’s no money to spend, and the heartache is even more painful. For a better life, hard work it is!
60.做为一只禽兽，我深感压力很大…
60. As an animal, I feel the pressure…
61.你当我是个风筝，要不把我放了，要不然收好带回家，别用一条看不见的情思拴着我，让我心伤。
61. You see me as a kite; either let me go or take me home, don’t tie me up with an invisible thread of love, causing me heartache.
62.年轻的时候，我们常常冲着镜子做鬼脸；年老的时候，镜子算是扯平了。
62. When we were young, we often made faces at the mirror; when we’re old, the mirror will be even.
63.谁说我白，瘦，漂亮~我就跟他做好朋友~
63. Who says I’m white, thin, and beautiful? I’ll be their best friend~
64.人又不聪明，还学人家秃顶！
64. One is not smart, yet still tries to imitate baldness!
65.烧香的不一定是和尚，还可能是熊猫！
65. Burning incense doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a monk; it could also be a panda!
66.你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气是在受不了啊。
66. You might as well let me kneel on a washboard; I can’t stand kneeling in front of an electric heater.
67.清华大学又名“青蛙大学”——当你边吃包子边说时…
67. Tsinghua University is also called the “Frog University” - when you eat buns while speaking…
68.今天是3。14，圆周率节，所以要吃派～
68. Today is 3.14, Pi Day, so we should eat pie~
69.帅有个屁用！到头来还不是被卒吃掉！
69. Being handsome is useless! In the end, you’re still eaten by a pawn!
70.最受不了这样的商家——牌子上写道：拆迁，给钱就卖！一件羽绒服我甩给她5块她就是不卖，太欺诈消费者了！
70. I can’t stand such merchants - the sign says: “Demolition, sell for any price!” I offered her 5 yuan for a down jacket, but she wouldn’t sell. It’s so deceptive to consumers!
71.银行收费时说：“这符合国际惯例。”服务时却说：“要考虑中国国情。”
71. Banks say “This is in line with international practices” when charging fees, but say “We must consider China’s national conditions” when providing services.
72.再过几十年，我们来相会，送到火葬场，全部烧成灰，你一堆，我一堆，谁也不认识谁，全部送到农村做化肥。
72. In a few decades, we’ll meet again, sent to the crematorium, all burned to ashes, you in one pile, me in another, no one recognizing anyone, all sent to the countryside as fertilizer.
73.如果多吃鱼可以让人变聪明的话，那么我肯定至少吃过一对鲸鱼……
73. If eating fish can make people smarter, then I must have eaten at least a pair of whales…
74.天哪！我的衣服又瘦了。
74. Oh my! My clothes have shrunk again.
75.树不要皮，必死无疑；人不要脸，天下无敌。
75. A tree without bark is doomed; a person without shame is invincible.
76.你的眼睛眨一下，我就死去，你的眼睛再眨一下，我就活过来，你的眼睛不停地眨来眨去，于是我便死去活来！
76. When your eyes blink once, I die; when they blink again, I come back to life; when your eyes keep blinking, I’m dying and coming back to life!
77.猎人发现一只猪，举起猎枪打死了猪，猎人走近猪，猪却起来了，知道为什么？猜不到？猪也正纳闷呢。
77. A hunter found a pig, raised his gun and shot the pig dead. When the hunter approached the pig, it got up. Do you know why? Guess not? The pig is also puzzled.
78.猪的四大愿望：四周栅栏都倒掉，天上纷纷掉饲料。天下屠夫都死掉，世界人民信佛教。
78. The four wishes of a pig: The fences around it collapse, food falls from the sky, all butchers die, and people around the world believe in Buddhism.
79.男人在不懂的时候装懂，女人则恰好相反。
79. Men pretend to understand when they don’t, while women do the opposite.
80.我爱你，并不是因为你是谁，而是在你面前时，我是谁！
80. I love you, not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I’m with you!
81.21世纪，什么最重要——我
81. In the 21st century, what’s most important - me.
82.舌头比牙齿更长寿，软件比硬件更长久。
82. The tongue outlives the teeth; software outlasts hardware.
83.将错就错，或者将计就计了，反正将就了。
83. Go along with the mistake, or take advantage of the situation; either way, just make do.
84.初恋无限好，只是挂得早。
84. First love is wonderful, but it ends too soon.
85.哥吸烟，是因为它伤肺，不伤心。
85. He smokes because it hurts the lungs, not the heart.
86.都说姐漂亮，其实都是妆出来的。
86. They say my sister is beautiful, but it’s all thanks to makeup.
87.聪明的女人对付男人，而笨女人对付女人。
87. Smart women deal with men, while foolish women deal with other women.
88.出来混，迟早会烦的。
88. If you mix with the wrong crowd, you’ll eventually get tired of it.
89.成功是3%的才干加上97%的不被互联网分散精力。
89. Success is 3% talent and 97% not being distracted by the internet.
90.我有三高，身高，智力高，用的是步步高！
90. I have the “three highs”: height, intelligence, and I use BBK.
91.我不喜欢只和一个女人上很多次床，而是喜欢和很多女人只上一次床。
91. I don’t like to sleep with one woman many times; I prefer to sleep with many women once.
92.不要为旧的悲伤，浪费新的眼泪！
92. Don’t waste new tears for old sorrows!
93.网上自古无娇娘，残花败柳一行行，偶有几对鸳鸯鸟，也是野鸡配色狼。
93. There have never been any beautiful women online, only rows of faded flowers and broken willows. Occasionally, there are a few pairs of mandarin ducks, but they’re just wild chickens dyed to look like wolves.
94.再牛b的肖邦，也弹不出老子的悲伤！
94. Even the most amazing Chopin can’t play my sorrow!
95.刚交的gf跟我才确定一周的关系就要和我分手，就因为我没读过奥克塔维奥帕斯的书和博尔赫斯的诗
95. My new girlfriend wants to break up with me after just one week, because I haven’t read books by Octavio Paz or poems by Borges.
96.前20年我们吃饭，睡觉，玩乐，享受生活；接下来的40年为养家糊口疲于奔命；而最后的10年呢，每天蹲在门口，和过往的行人打着招呼。
96. In the first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy life; in the next 40 years, we work hard to support our families; and in the last 10 years, we sit at the doorstep, greeting passersby.
97.思想有多远，你就滚多远；光速有多快，你就滚多快。
97. The farther your thoughts reach, the farther you should get away; the faster light travels, the faster you should leave.
98.今天心情不好，我只有四句话想说，包括这句和前面的两句，我的话说完了。
98. I’m in a bad mood today, and I have only four sentences to say, including this one and the two before it. That’s all I have to say.
99.天生就是属黄瓜的，欠拍！后天属核桃的，欠捶！终生属破摩托的，欠踹！
99. I was born to be a cucumber, needing to be slapped! I became a walnut later, needing to be pounded! For life, I’m a broken motorcycle, needing to be kicked!
100.是金子，总会花光的;是镜子，总会反光的……
100. Gold will eventually be spent; mirrors will always reflect light…
不是我不想当淑女、而是这世界把老娘逼成了泼妇！
It’s not that I don’t want to be a lady, but the world has forced me to become a shrew!
我曾经跟一个人无数次擦肩而过，衣服都擦破了，也没擦出火花。
I once passed by the same person countless times, and even my clothes were worn out, but no sparks were generated.
总感觉别人都是吃几口就饱了，而我是吃饱了还能再吃几口……
I always feel that others get full after eating a few bites, while I can still eat more after being full…
又帅又有车的，那是象棋。有钱又有房的，那是银行。
A handsome man with a car is just a chess piece. A wealthy man with a house is just a bank.
看时间不是为了起床，而是看还能睡多久。
1. Checking the time is not for getting up, but to see how much longer I can sleep.
我一发怒，冬天就到了；冬天一发怒，我就变成秋裤男了。
2. When I get angry, winter comes; when winter gets angry, I become a man in long johns.
众里寻她千百度，踏平脚下路。蓦然回首细环顾，大婶大娘无数。偶有美女光顾，还是有夫之妇，余下大多数，基本不堪入目。
3. Searching for her among the crowd, I’ve walked countless miles. Suddenly looking back, I see countless aunts and matrons. Occasionally, a beautiful woman passes by, but she’s already married. The rest are mostly not worth a second glance.
有个老太太都在缸里蹲半天了，多点时间让她透透气吧。
4. The old lady has been squatting in the jar for a long time, let’s give her some time to breathe.
唱歌给我听，开心了就让你走。
5. Sing me a song, and if it makes me happy, I’ll let you go.
在我尿频的时候你还在嘲笑我。
6. You’re still making fun of me while I’m suffering from frequent urination.
有些事，有些人，有些风景，一旦入眼入心，即便刹那，也是永恒。
7. Some things, some people, some scenery, once they catch your eye and heart, even for a moment, they become eternal.
逃得了和尚，逃不了方丈。
8. You can escape a monk, but you can’t escape the abbot.
现在生米都已经煮成稀饭了。
9. The raw rice has already been cooked into porridge.
好男人就是我我就是曾小贤。
10. A good man is me, and I am Zeng Xiaoxian.
你今天晚上必须给我上线，否则，我就把你名字写到碑上去。
11. You must log in tonight, or I’ll engrave your name on a tombstone.
说爱你，不一定是真的爱；说不爱你，那是真的一定爱过。
12. Saying I love you doesn’t necessarily mean true love; saying I don’t love you truly means I have loved you.
阿弥陀佛，出家人不打诳语。女施主，你的确是贫僧自东土出行至今所遇的，最美丽、最性感的女子，你看你这秀发，这玉手，这肌肤，这手感……
13. Amitabha, monks do not lie. Female benefactor, you are indeed the most beautiful and sexy woman I have encountered since I left the East. Look at your hair, your hands, your skin, your touch…
我妈就生了我一个，你自己算算看我算老几呢。
14. My mom only gave birth to me, so figure out my rank yourself.
无聊对着电脑唱忐忑，唱完之后，电脑突然死机了。
15. Bored, I sing “Tantrum” to my computer, and after I finish, the computer suddenly crashes.
女施主，贫僧修为尚浅，还不能隔衣为你疗伤，得罪了。
16. Female benefactor, my cultivation is shallow, and I cannot heal your injuries through your clothes. I apologize.
你等着吧，总有一天我会让你成为我未来儿子的妈妈。
17. Just you wait, one day I will make you the mother of my future son.
人活着是为什么？就为了那一张张伟大的毛爷爷。
18. What is the purpose of living? It’s all for those great Chairman Mao notes.
我想说我就一苦逼，世界末日的那天就是我的生日。
19. I’m just a loser, and the day of the apocalypse is my birthday.
晚自习的时候考试，拿出手机搜答案，突然，老师把灯一关，我……亮了。
20. During the evening study session, I take out my phone to search for answers during an exam. Suddenly, the teacher turns off the lights, and I… shine.
彪悍的人生是不需要解释的。
1. A fierce life needs no explanation.
如果你是一个胖纸，记住不要围红色的围巾。不然你会很像QQ。
2. If you are a chubby person, remember not to wear a red scarf. Otherwise, you’ll look like QQ.
唾沫是用来数钞票的不是用来讲理的。
3. Spit is for counting money, not for reasoning.
跟我打赌，不是看你要什么，而是看我有什么……
4. When betting with me, it’s not about what you want, but what I have…
你每天都和他们聊到半夜，他们哪有时间创造人类呢？
5. You chat with them until midnight every day; when do they have time to create humans?
我肯定会被砍成薯片的。
6. I’m sure I’ll be chopped into potato chips.
人生如戏，爱的是一个，结婚生子的又是另一个。很正常。
7. Life is like a drama; you love one person, but marry another. It’s normal.
天啦，我的衣服又瘦了！
8. Oh my god, my clothes are shrinking again!
你真是个地道的美人啊。就是说你只有在地道里才算美人，因为地道里没灯。
9. You are such a genuine beauty. It means you’re only beautiful in a tunnel because there’s no light there.
生是她的人，死是她的吉祥物。
10. In life, you are her person; in death, you are her mascot.
长大了要娶唐僧做老公，想宠幸就宠幸，不想玩了就把他吃掉。
11. When I grow up, I want to marry Tang Seng as my husband, to pamper him when I want, and eat him when I don’t.
心中充满爱，看天下美女都是情人。
12. With love in my heart, I see all beautiful women as my lovers.
挤在北京，给首都添麻烦了……
13. I’m stuck in Beijing, causing trouble for the capital…
我就像一只趴在玻璃上的苍蝇，前途一片光明，而我却找不到出路。
14. I’m like a fly on a glass window; the future is bright, but I can’t find a way out.
大家都说我是个演员，是因为我一看见漂亮MM眼就圆……
15. Everyone says I’m an actor because my eyes go round when I see a pretty girl…
我床上的不知道是谁媳妇，我媳妇不知道在谁的床上！
16. I don’t know whose wife is in my bed, and my wife is probably in someone else’s bed!
出问题先从自己身上找原因，别一便秘就怪地球没引力。
17. When there’s a problem, look for the reason within yourself, don’t blame the lack of gravity for your constipation.
也因寂寞难耐，谈过几次恋爱。谁知屡战屡败，轻轻松松被踹！
18. Due to unbearable loneliness, I’ve had a few relationships. But I’ve been defeated every time and easily dumped!
白天瞎JB忙，晚上JB瞎忙。
19. I’m busy all day long for nothing, and busy at night for nothing as well.
做一个徘徊在牛A和牛C之间的人。
20. Be a person who lingers between A and C (excellent and outstanding).
问：“我的头像牛B吗？”答：“像！
Q: “Is my avatar awesome?” A: “Yes, it is!
老板，帮我理一个忧伤点的发型！谢谢！
Boss, please give me a more melancholic hairstyle! Thanks!
脸皮怎么那么厚，让猪皮情何以勘。
How can you have such thick skin, leaving no chance for pigskin to compete.
美女眼前过，不泡是罪过。
A beautiful woman passes by, not flirting with her would be a sin.
蓦然回首，你咋还没走。
Suddenly looking back, why are you still here?
恶人从不搞笑，恶人要抓紧时间做恶。
Villains never make jokes, villains must seize time to do evil deeds.
恶人说：再说俺是恶人，俺就害死你!
Villain says: If you call me a villain again, I will harm you!
不管多大岁数的人类成员，在钱面前，一概年轻。
No matter how old a human member is, in front of money, everyone is young.
鸭子太嚣张，兔子太多嘴，我是猪，我很乖。
Ducks are too arrogant, rabbits talk too much, I am a pig, and I am well-behaved.
禽兽尚且有半点怜悯之心，而我一点也没有，所以我不是禽兽。
Even beasts have a bit of compassion, but I don’t have any, so I am not a beast.
我家的金鱼今早淹死了。
My goldfish drowned this morning.
所谓网虫，就是在杂志上看到下划线也想用鼠标去点。
So-called netizens are those who see underlined text in a magazine and want to click on it with a mouse.
娶老婆应是娶小绍，交朋友应是令狐冲，做男儿最好做乔峰，出来混还得韦小宝。
To marry, one should marry Xiaoshuo; to make friends, one should make friends with Linghu Chong; to be a man, it’s best to be Qiao Feng, and to get by in life, one must be Wei Xiaobao.
如果有钱也是一种错，那我情愿一错再错。
If having money is also a mistake, then I would rather make the same mistake again and again.
男人的实力就是你兜里的人民币。
A man’s strength is the Renminbi in your pocket.
你的话，我连标点符号都不信。
I don’t believe even the punctuation in what you say.
人生就像打电话，不是你先挂，就是我先挂。
Life is like making a phone call, either you hang up first or I do.
距离产生的不是美，是小三。
What distance creates is not beauty, but the other woman.
世界那么乱，装纯给谁看。
The world is so chaotic, who are you pretending to be pure for?
非诚勿扰女嘉宾再牛也就灭一个男的的灯，宿舍楼下阿姨能灭一整楼的!
Even the most impressive female guest on If You Are the One can only extinguish one man’s light, while the aunt downstairs of the dormitory can extinguish an entire building’s lights!
一直对发型不满意的人，有一个共同点:不肯承认这是脸的问题。
1. People who are always dissatisfied with their hairstyles have one thing in common: they refuse to admit that it’s a face issue.
我把所有的记忆串联成一部电影，一部悲剧就生产了。
2. I’ve strung all my memories together like a movie, and a tragedy is born.
都说姐漂亮，其实都是妆出来的。
3. Everyone says I’m beautiful, but it’s all thanks to makeup.
挨饿这事，干得好就叫减肥;掐人这事，干得好就叫按摩;发呆这事，干得好就叫深沉;偷懒这事，干得好就叫享受;死皮赖脸这事，干得好就叫执著;装傻这事，如果干的好，那叫大智若愚。
4. Starving can be called dieting if done well; pinching can be called massaging if done well; daydreaming can be called being profound if done well; slacking off can be called enjoying if done well; being shameless can be called persistence if done well; acting foolish, if done well, is called feigning ignorance.
友情就像花瓶一样，被人一捣鼓就碎了。
5. Friendship is like a vase, easily shattered when tampered with.
内练一口气，外练一口屁。
6. Cultivate inner strength and outer… well, a good fart.
能动手，就尽量别吵吵。
7. If you can solve it with action, try not to argue.
能抗洪的尿布湿，才是真正的尿布湿！
8. The real test of a diaper is its ability to withstand flooding.
你穿的很危险，但长得很安全。
9. You dress dangerously, but you look safe.
你信仰基督教，还是公鸡叫。
10. Do you believe in Christianity or the rooster’s crow?
你走你的阳光道，我走我的地下道。
11. You take your sunny path, and I’ll take my underground path.
起的比鸡早，睡的比猫晚，赚的比秃子的毛还少。
12. Waking up earlier than a rooster, sleeping later than a cat, and earning less than a bald man’s hair.
装成熟、是往老里打扮的行为。
13. Acting mature is just dressing older.
忽然发现自从我配了眼镜就不敢出门了。
14. Suddenly, I realized I’m afraid to go out ever since I got glasses.
好寂寞，连欲望都被我挣脱。
15. So lonely that even my desires have slipped away.
给我一双筷子。我可以吃掉整个地球。
16. Give me a pair of chopsticks, and I can eat the entire Earth.
别烦我，再烦我，你一会就掉茅坑了。
17. Don’t bother me, or you’ll end up in a latrine soon.
别回头，哥恋的只是你的背影。
18. Don’t look back; all I’m in love with is your silhouette.
哥吸烟，是因为它伤肺，不伤心。
19. I smoke because it hurts my lungs, not my heart.
凡事皆有代价，快乐的代价便是痛苦。
20. Everything comes with a price; the cost of happiness is pain.
当江湖有了传说，不满城风雨，是对不起观众的。
1. When there are legends in the martial world, if the city is not in turmoil, it’s a disservice to the audience.
打死我也不说，你们还没使美人计呢！
2. I’d rather die than tell you; you haven’t even used the beauty tactic yet!
大理石牌鞋垫，要脚不要脸。
3. Marble nameplate insoles, caring more about feet than face.
爷不是你的小浣熊，玩不出你的其乐无穷。
4. I’m not your little teddy bear, and I can’t enjoy the endless fun you have.
我想说我就一苦逼，世界末日的那天就是我的生日。
5. I just want to say I’m a miserable person, and the day of the apocalypse is my birthday.
人活着是为什么？就为了那一张张伟大的毛爷爷。
6. What is the purpose of living? Just for those great Chairman Mao notes.
长得丑不是你的错，你老实er的不行么，非得得瑟一下，让我们知道你是大哥。
7. It’s not your fault for being ugly; can’t you just be honest? You have to show off and let us know you’re the boss.
吃货的人生就像一列火车，总结起来就是，逛吃，逛吃，逛吃。
8. A foodie’s life is like a train, which can be summarized as: shopping and eating, shopping and eating, shopping and eating.
诸葛亮出山前也没带过兵啊，你们凭啥要我有工作经验！
9. Zhuge Liang didn’t lead troops before he came out of the mountain; why do you expect me to have work experience?
出来混，迟早会烦的。
10. If you come out to play, you will eventually get tired of it.
打你就打你，还要挑日子吗？
11. Hit you just because I want to hit you, do I need to choose a day for it?
打个小麻将，吃个麻辣烫。找个小对象，生活就这样。
12. Play a small mahjong, eat a spicy hot pot, find a small partner, and that’s life.
在这个什么都涨价的时代里，我突然欣喜地发现，空气没有涨价，反倒是料越来越多了。
13. In this era of rising prices, I suddenly found out that air hasn’t increased in price, but the ingredients have become more and more.
迄今为止，三个苹果改变了世界:一个诱-惑了夏娃，一个砸醒了牛顿，一个握在乔布斯手里。
14. So far, three apples have changed the world: one tempted Eve, one awakened Newton, and one was held in Steve Jobs’ hand.
现在北京只有呼吸和放屁不用排队了。
15. Nowadays, in Beijing, only breathing and farting don’t need to wait in line.
即使你已名花有主，我也要移花接木。
16. Even if you are already taken, I will still try to change your heart.
鹅鹅鹅，曲项用刀割，拔毛加瓢水，点火盖上锅!
17. Goose, goose, goose, with a curved neck and a knife, pluck feathers and add water, light the fire and cover the pot!
国家为什么没有拿你的脸皮去研究防弹衣呢?
18. Why hasn’t the country used your face to research bulletproof vests?
莫非阁下就是当年华山论贱的智障大师养的小沙弥低能狗旺财踩死的屎壳螂层滚过的的一颗粪球?
19. Could it be that you are the low-ability dog, raised by the master of the Huashan Mountain Debate, who stepped on the dung beetle that rolled over a dung ball?
你不是我脑袋里的交-警，无权干预我的走向
20. You are not the traffic police in my mind, and you have no right to interfere with my direction.
你的笑容比阳光下那坨狗屎还灿烂
1. Your smile is more brilliant than a pile of dog feces in the sunlight.
那些总说别人装逼的人，你们连逼都不是。
2. To those who always call others show-offs, you are not even worth mentioning.
我不恨你，因为我不想记住你。
3. I don’t hate you because I don’t want to remember you.
孔子曰：西游记就是孙悟空念咒，唐僧发疯。
4. Confucius said: The Journey to the West is just Sun Wukong chanting spells while Tang Sanzang goes mad.
生活就像忐忑，没有准确的歌词，却惊心动魄。
5. Life is like the song “T忐忑”, with no accurate lyrics, yet it’s thrilling.
起的比鸡早，睡的比猫晚，赚的比秃子的毛还少。
6. Wake up earlier than a rooster, sleep later than a cat, and earn less than a bald man’s hair.
打个小麻将，吃个麻辣烫。找个小对象，生活就这样。
7. Play a small game of mahjong, eat some spicy hot pot. Find a small partner, and that’s life.
当江湖有了传说，不满城风雨，是对不起观众的。
8. When there are legends in the world, if the city is not filled with wind and rain, it’s对不起观众 (an expression of regret for the audience).
凡事皆有代价，快乐的代价便是痛苦。
9. Everything has a price; the cost of happiness is pain.
我是心眼小，但是不缺，我是脾气好，但不是没有！
10. I may have a small mind, but it’s not lacking. I have a good temper, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have one!
你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
11. You might as well let me kneel on a washboard; I can’t stand kneeling on an electric heater!
女人一生最喜欢两朵花：一是有钱花，二是尽量花！
12. A woman loves two flowers in her life: one is spending money, and the other is trying her best to spend.
两只鸳鸯同命鸟，一对蝴蝶可怜虫。
13. Two mandarin ducks are birds of the same fate, while a pair of butterflies are pitiful creatures.
天上掉钞票我不会弯腰，因为天上连馅饼都不会掉，更别说掉钞票了。
14. I won’t bend over for money falling from the sky because even pies don’t fall from the sky, let alone money.
是人都有阴暗面，如果你偏说你很单纯，那我只能说，你不是人！
15. Everyone has a dark side. If you insist on saying you’re innocent, then I have to say, you’re not human.
别人笑我太淫荡，我笑他人不开放
16. Others laugh at me for being too promiscuous; I laugh at them for not being open-minded.
对着电脑唱忐忑，唱完后，死机了。
17. I sang “T忐忑” to the computer, and after finishing the song, it crashed.
想死，买了瓶农药，盖子上写——再来一瓶
18. I wanted to die, so I bought a bottle of pesticide. On the cap, it said: “Come back for another bottle.”
鸵鸟的幸福，只是一堆沙子。
19. The happiness of an ostrich is just a pile of sand.
一觉醒来，天都黑了。
20. I woke up, and the sky was already dark.
为什么一看书，就困呢？因为书，是梦开始的地方。
1. Why do I feel sleepy when reading a book? Because a book is where dreams begin.
好马不吃回头草，所以我一直不回头向前绕圈走，结果我又碰上那草了。
2. A good horse doesn’t eat the grass behind it, so I keep moving forward without looking back, but I ended up running into that grass again.
其实，我有一个角度看上去很帅，只不过你们没有找到罢了。
3. In fact, I look handsome from a certain angle, it’s just that you haven’t found it yet.
友情不是靠酒喝出来的，但是可以用酒来回味！如果说你不装B的话咱们还可以做朋友。
4. Friendship is not built on drinking alcohol, but we can reminisce about it with a drink! If you don’t act like a jerk, we can still be friends.
三鹿和蒙牛告诉我们一个道理：畜生是靠不住的。
5. Sanlu and Mengniu taught us a lesson: animals can’t be trusted.
我的兴趣爱好可分为静态和动态两种，静态就是睡觉，动态就是翻身…
6. My hobbies can be divided into two types: static and dynamic. Static is sleeping, and dynamic is turning over…
在神经的人群里呆久了，我发现我正常了。
7. After spending time with crazy people, I found that I’m normal.
我们老板是小怪兽，我们是奥特曼。但我们见了老板就跑，因为我们没带召唤器。
8. Our boss is the little monster, and we are the Ultraman. But when we see the boss, we run away because we don’t have our summoner.
生活中处处都有惊吓，你就是其中一个。
9. Surprises are everywhere in life, and you are one of them.
有时候，除了谎言是真的，其它全是假的！
10. Sometimes, except for lies, everything else is fake!
鸳鸯戏水，都他妈淹死；比翼双飞，都他妈摔死！
11. Mandarin ducks playing in water all drown; birds flying in pairs all fall down and die!
明星脱一点就能更出名，我脱的光光的却被抓起来了！
12. Celebrities become more famous when they expose a little, but when I expose everything, I get arrested!
暧昧就是我找你借钱，你没说借，也没说不借，而是只说你老公不在家……
13. Ambiguity is like me asking you for a loan, and instead of saying yes or no, you only mention that your husband is not at home…
不要同没有素质的人争论，因为那就像与猪摔跤，赢了不光荣，输了更丢人。
14. Don’t argue with people who lack manners, because it’s like wrestling with a pig - winning is not glorious, and losing is even more embarrassing.
给我订两张去天庭的机票，我要亲自找月老，逼着他给我牵一条红线。
15. Book me two tickets to heaven, I want to find the Matchmaker and force him to tie a red thread for me.
每年夏天晒黑了，我总是会想“没事，冬天就修复好了”
16. Every summer, when I get tanned, I always think, “It’s okay, winter will fix it.”
遗传学淡定的告诉我们：跨物种恋爱注定是没有好结果的。
17. Genetics calmly tells us: interspecies love is doomed to have no good outcome.
烟熏装很美，让我成了众人举目的熊猫。
18. Smoky makeup is beautiful, but it made me a panda that everyone stares at.
你矮是终身的，我胖却是暂时的。
19. Your short stature is lifelong, but my being fat is only temporary.
你说，哪天我不要你了，你一定终身不嫁，让我内疚。
20. You said that if one day I don’t want you anymore, you will never marry, making me feel guilty.
你美中不足的是，就是有太多的不足了。
1. Your beauty is marred by too many flaws.
车到山前必有路，哪怕山前拆车卖轱辘。
2. Where there’s a mountain, there’s a way, even if it means disassembling the car and selling the wheels.
在这低调的世界里，我不得不用高调来掩饰自己。
3. In this low-key world, I have to use high-profile to cover myself up.
会演戏的不一定都是演员，会装的一定就是孙子。
4. Those who can act are not necessarily actors, but those who pretend are definitely hypocrites.
不听老人言，死在我面前，唔唔唔！
5. If you don’t listen to the elderly, die in front of me, uh-uh-uh!
在家不能对着手机笑，家长会以为你在恋爱。
6. At home, don’t smile at your phone, or your parents will think you’re in love.
不管瘦的时候美成啥样，胖了之后都一个德行。
7. No matter how beautiful you are when you’re thin, once you gain weight, you all look the same.
黑夜给了我一双黑色的眼睛，可我却用它来翻白眼。
8. The night gave me a pair of black eyes, but I use them to roll my eyes.
我是个演员，一看见漂亮MM眼就圆。
9. I’m an actor, and my eyes become round when I see a pretty girl.
给我一个支点，我把邻居那小子的汽车翘到沟里去，省得他见我就按喇叭。
10. Give me a fulcrum, and I’ll lever that neighbor kid’s car into the ditch, so he won’t honk at me when he sees me.
我还年青，需要指点。但是，不需要您对我指指点点…
11. I’m still young and need guidance, but not your constant finger-pointing…
请不要把我对你的容忍，当成你不要脸的资本。
12. Please don’t take my tolerance of you as a capital for your shamelessness.
你匍匐在地上仰视别人，就不能怪人家站得笔直俯视你。
13. If you crawl on the ground and look up at others, you can’t blame them for standing straight and looking down at you.
下雨了，别忘了打伞，湿身是小，淋病就麻烦啦！
14. It’s raining, don’t forget to open your umbrella; getting wet is minor, but catching a cold would be troublesome!
活了二十多年，没能为祖国为人民做点什么，每思及此，伤心欲绝。
15. I’ve lived for more than 20 years and haven’t done anything for my country and people; whenever I think about this, I’m heartbroken.
将薪比薪的想一下，算了，不想活了。
16. Comparing salaries, I’ve thought about it, but let’s not; I don’t want to live anymore.
所谓的单纯，长了翅膀的就是天使，没长翅膀的就是白痴。
17. So-called innocence, with wings, is an angel; without wings, it’s an idiot.
与其混，与其熬，不如二，不如飙。
18. Instead of loafing or enduring, it’s better to be second or speed up.
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