1.问：十瓶啤酒下去，你会怎样？
1. Q: What would happen if you drank ten bottles of beer?
答：再让它们上来。
A: Let them come back up.
2.问：敢说你和多少异性接过吻吗？
2. Q: Dare you say how many opposite-sex people you have kissed?
答：没算。不过每增加一个，我就记到一张卡片上。……后来我用这些卡片做了四副扑克。
A: I haven’t counted. But every time it increases, I write it on a card… Later, I made four decks of poker cards with these cards.
3.问：情侣两个都在QQ上，但是双方都不说话已有10分钟，说明什么？
3. Q: If a couple is both on QQ, but neither talks for 10 minutes, what does it mean?
答：老板在旁边。
A: The boss is nearby.
4.问：给你1200元，买什么车好？
4. Q: What kind of car should you buy with 1200 yuan?
答：买副象棋吧，有四个车呢！另外还有四个宝马。
A: Buy a set of Chinese chess; there are four chariots in it! Plus, there are four BMWs.
5.问：养了10年的宠物和交往1周的恋人，必须舍弃1个，你选什么？
5. Q: If you have to give up either a pet you’ve raised for 10 years or a lover you’ve been with for a week, what would you choose?
答：舍弃宠物吧，把它送给恋人。
A: Give up the pet and send it to the lover.
6.问：结婚用什么车娶亲最cool？
6. Q: What is the coolest car to use for a wedding?
答：布加迪威航开路，阿斯顿马丁摄像，齐柏林DS8护航，新郎新娘骑驴。
A: A Bugatti Veyron leading the way, an Aston Martin for filming, Zeppelin DS8 escorting, and the bride and groom riding donkeys.
7.问：你花心吗？
7. Q: Are you a playboy/girl?
答：以前别人都是用感叹号问我
A: People used to ask me with exclamation points.
8.问：“去相亲，对面那女的咧嘴一笑，脸上好厚一块粉掉下来了，我该怎么办？”……
8. Q: “When going on a blind date, the woman across from me grinned, and a thick layer of powder fell off her face. What should I do?”
答：“您太客气了，第一次见面就送粮食。”
A: “You’re too kind, offering food on our first meeting.”
9.问：你在坐公交，忽然你身边的人看了你一眼然后吐了，你咋办？
9. Q: What would you do if someone on the bus looked at you and then vomited?
答：果然好定力！一般人看到我是直接晕过去的。
A: What great self-control! Most people would faint at the sight of me.
10.问：小龙女可以7年不见杨过你能么
10. Q: Can you go seven years without seeing Yang Guo like Xiaolongnv?
答：我可以一辈子不见杨过
A: I can go a lifetime without seeing Yang Guo.
11.问：四个字形容一下你的开车水平
11. Q: Describe your driving skills in four characters.
答：交警无语
A: Traffic police speechless
12.问：一个人对你说“偶吃的盐比你吃的饭还多！！”说明什么？
12. Q: If someone says to you, “I’ve eaten more salt than you’ve eaten rice!!” What does it mean?
答：口重
A: Heavy口味 (Strong taste)
13.问：看完兽兽视频最大的感想是什么？
13. Q: What’s your biggest feeling after watching the兽兽 video?
答：手机太差了。
A: The phone is too bad.
14.问：公交车上一男的踩了你的脚，对你说“我是周杰伦”，你的反应？
14. Q: If a man on the bus steps on your foot and says, “I’m Jay Chou,” how would you react?
答：踩回来。以后可以炫耀啦，我踩过周杰伦！
A: Step back. I can brag in the future that I’ve stepped on Jay Chou!
15.问：如果你在图书馆看书，正入迷时，对面的异性用脚碰了你三次，你会？
15. Q: If you are reading in the library, fascinated, and the opposite sex touches your foot three times with their foot, what would you do?
答：踩住。
A: Step on it.
16.问：好像有不少女人都很喜欢***？喜欢的理由，或者讨厌的理由是啥？传闻好像要复出了！
16. Q: It seems that many women like ***? The reason for liking or disliking is what? Rumors say they might make a comeback!
答：冠希加油！期待第二季。
A: Edison, come on! Looking forward to Season 2.
17.问：距世界末日还有7秒钟，你想做的最后一件事？
17. Q: If there are only 7 seconds left until the end of the world, what’s the last thing you want to do?
答：收菜
A: Harvest vegetables (steal crops)
18.问：当恋人/老公从熟睡中突然抱住你说“我喜欢你，你喜欢我吗？’
18. Q: When your lover/husband suddenly hugs you in his sleep and says, “I like you, do you like me?”
答：你不要惊醒他，轻声问：“我叫什么名字啊？……”
A: Don’t wake him up, whisper, “What’s my name?”
19.问：同时说1种花，看谁和我有默契~~
19. Q: Let’s each say one type of flower and see who has the best chemistry with me~~
答：1种花
A: One type of flower
20.问：一男和一女住了一夜，什么都没干！你们相信吗？
20. Q: A man and a woman spend a night together, and they didn’t do anything! Do you believe it?
答：相信。都湿着呢，没干。
A: I believe it. They were both wet, so they weren’t dry.
21.问：相亲时，女方对你说：你没房没车来相什么亲？你怎么回答？
21. Q: During a blind date, if a woman says to you, “You don’t have a house or a car, why are you here for a date?” How would you respond?
答：献爱心来了
A: I’m here to spread love.
22.问：你有过差点死掉的经历吗
22. Q: Have you ever had an experience where you almost died?
答：****算吗？
A: Does **** count?
23.问：有个女mopper交了6个男朋友，请问她情人节该怎么过？
23. Q: A female Mopper has had 6 boyfriends, how should she spend Valentine’s Day?
答：一起吃火锅吧
A: Have a hot pot dinner together.
24.问：杨过没车为什么小龙女还腻着他呢？
24. Q: Why does Xiaolongnv still like Yang Guo even though he doesn’t have a car?
答：谁说没车？他一直用雕牌！
A: Who says he doesn’t have a car? He’s always using the Steed brand!
25.问：晚１０点一女同事消息发来‘我老公不在’怎么回！！！？？？
25. Q: At 10 pm, a female colleague messages you saying “My husband is not home,” how do you respond?
答：我马上到……
A: I’ll be right there…
26.问：如果有人问，我可以追你吗？怎么回答比较好？？
26. Q: If someone asks, “Can I chase after you?” How would you answer in a better way?
答：为什么追我？我又不是急支糖浆。。。
A: Why chase after me? I’m not urgent support syrup…
27.问：你独自流落荒岛，手机没信号，突然能打了，你第一个电话打给谁？
27. Q: If you are stranded on a deserted island alone, with no cell phone signal, and suddenly you can make a call, who would you call first?
答：中国移动，投诉他们！怎么信号这么差！
A: China Mobile, to complain about their poor signal!
28.问：真心话你要是男人你希望自己象***一样有一堆女人吗？
28. Q: If you were a man, would you want to be like *** with a bunch of women around you?
答：我希望自己是一个拥有一堆***的女人……
A: I would want to be a woman with a bunch of *** around me…
29.问：给你1亿,让你从2楼跳下去,你愿意伐?
29. Q: Would you jump from the second floor if someone offered you 100 million?
答：请先把1亿堆在楼下，我马上往上跳。
A: Please pile up the 100 million below first, and I’ll jump right away.
30.问：分手后有一方说：“我心里不会再走进别人了”。你信吗？
30. Q: After a breakup, if one party says, “I won’t let anyone else into my heart,” do you believe them?
答：心里不会，但是身体会。
A: Maybe not in the heart, but the body will.
31.问：你觉得你身上最值得保持的品质是什么？
31. Q: What do you think is the most valuable quality you possess?
答：将错就错。
A: Going with the flow.
32.问：你拿过的最牛B的凶器是什么？
32. Q: What’s the most impressive weapon you’ve ever wielded?
答：TT。（杀亿人于无形中）
A: Condoms. (Killing millions of people without a trace)
33.问：我买房子的花园里居然挖出了一具尸体，我该怎么办？要不要报警
33. Q: What should I do if I find a dead body in my garden while buying a house? Should I call the police?
答：继续挖，下面还有兵马佣
A: Keep digging, there are terracotta warriors and horses below.
34.问：说一个虐待自己最残忍的方式？
34. Q: Name a cruel way to torture yourself.
答：一人吃掉KFC全家桶
A: Eating a KFC family bucket all by myself.
35.问：给你1W，让你去小区门口大喊3声：“芙蓉姐姐我爱你”，你干吗
35. Q: For 10,000 yuan, would you go to the entrance of the community and shout “I love Sister Furong” three times?
答：可以“喊”，但是不“干”。
A: I can “shout,” but I won’t “do it.”
36.问：晚上，正在洗澡，突然，发现，多了一只手在帮你搓澡！你。。。
36. Q: One evening, while taking a shower, you suddenly find an extra hand helping you scrub! What do you do?
答：偷偷把它的手表和戒指撸下来。
A: Secretly take off its watch and rings.
37.问：白床单，白被子，白枕头，白拖鞋意味着什么？
37. Q: What does white sheets, white quilts, white pillows, and white slippers imply?
答：白大夫，就是要你白
A: Dr. White, it means you have to pay.
38.问：男生给女生每天发100多条短信，但是电话很少，说明什么
38. Q: If a guy sends a girl over 100 text messages a day but rarely calls, what does it suggest?
答：他订了个包月套餐
A: He has a monthly package plan.
39.问：用四个字形容自己的长相！
39. Q: Describe your appearance in four characters!
答：不提也罢
A: Better not to mention.
40.问：你兜里只有2块钱，怎么解决三餐？？？
40. Q: If you only have 2 yuan in your pocket, how do you solve three meals?
答：买个破碗，蹲街边
A: Buy a broken bowl and squat on the street corner.
41.问：弟弟拉裤子了——打两位美国政坛名人！
41. Q: My younger brother wet his pants - name two famous American politicians!
答：奥！爸，妈！稀拉里！
A: Oh! Dad, Mom! Xi Lali!
42.问：如果有人看了你的照片后，说“好丑~”。。。。。
42. Q: What if someone looks at your picture and says, “So ugly~”?
答：总比说’好可爱的猴子’要好吧
A: It’s better than being called ‘a cute monkey.’
43.鄙视我的人那么多,你算老几?
43. There are so many people who look down on me, what’s your rank?
（当一个美女鄙视你无赖，流氓，奸诈，不正经时~）
(When a beautiful woman looks down on you as a scoundrel, rascal, cunning, and unserious person~)
44.打死我也不说,你还没使美人儿计呢！
44. I won’t say it even if you kill me, you haven’t used your beauty trick yet!
（各位弟兄，有没有美女问你你不方便说的问题呢~对付女朋友也不错，调情用）
(Brothers, have any of you encountered a situation where a beautiful woman asks you something you’re not comfortable answering? This can also be used to flirt with your girlfriend.)
45.我不但手气好,脚气也不错！
45. Not only am I lucky in my hands, but my feet are quite lucky as well!
（呵呵 运气好的时候可以一笑）
(Hehe, you can just smile when you’re having good luck)
46.再逼我,再逼我就装死给你看！
46. Push me again, and I’ll pretend to be dead for you!
（当美女一再问你白痴问题时候 可以一用）
(Use this when a beautiful woman keeps asking you silly questions)
47.够不着吧,左脚踩右脚上试试
47. Can’t reach it? Try standing on your left foot with your right foot.
（打击情敌矮，玩笑女生娇小，随你大小便~）
(Tease your rivals for being short, or joke about a girl’s petite stature, as you wish)
48.有的人活着,她已经死了.有的人活着,他早该死了！
48. Some people are alive, but they’re already dead. Some people are alive, but they should have died long ago!
（气愤也可以幽默~）
(Even when angry, you can still be humorous)
49.你说…你喜欢我?其实…我一开始…其实我也…唉跟你说了吧,其实我也挺喜欢我自己的.
49. You say… you like me? Actually… At first… At first, I… Well, let me tell you, actually, I like myself too.
（表白难么~暧昧难么~知道说什么话就不难了，成功是种艺术）
(Confessing love is difficult? Being ambiguous is difficult? Knowing what to say makes it easy. Success is an art)
50.青山依旧在,只是有点红.
50. The green mountains remain, but they’re a bit red.
（饿，那个，想起一句 落红岂是无情物~）
(Hungry, by the way, I remember a line: “Falling red is not heartless”)
51.你是喝水,还是喝水,还是喝水?随你挑！
51. Are you drinking water, or drinking water, or drinking water? It’s up to you!
（你是收藏,还是收藏,还是收藏?随你挑！）
(Are you collecting, or collecting, or collecting? It’s up to you!)
52.老子不但有车,还是自行的！
52. Not only do I have a car, but it’s a bicycle!
（对付拜金女的极品~本人不喜欢拜金的哈）
(Dealing with materialistic girls’ best choice - I don’t like materialistic ones, haha)
53.喜欢的话哥我给你买…(意识到对方的怒意后)啊不,是“哥,我给您买！”
53. If you like it, I’ll buy it for you… (Realizing the other person’s anger) Oh no, it’s “Brother, I’ll buy it for you!”
（和兄弟们的幽默难道不重要？）
(Isn’t humor with my buddies important?)
54.是镜子总会反光的！
54. A mirror will always reflect light!
（咱考试不合格的时候如是对女朋友说。。。）
(When you fail an exam, is this what you say to your girlfriend?)
55.帅有个P用?搞不好还不是被卒子给吃掉！
55. What’s the use of being handsome? You might still be eaten by a pawn!
（有女人对你说“那个男人好帅啊’，’那个明星真帅’的么？一句话噎死她）
(When a woman says to you, “That man is so handsome,” or “That star is really handsome,” just use this sentence to shut her up)
56.交给我你就不用放心了,没有错不了的事！
56. You don’t have to worry when you leave it to me; there’s no way it can go wrong!
（嘿嘿~女友叫你买东西了么？有叫你帮忙么？说这个再帮她好好的做好，效果是不是更好？）
(Hehe~ Did your girlfriend ask you to buy something? Did she ask for your help? Say this and then help her do it well. Isn’t the effect better?)
57.别紧张,我不是什么好人…… （搭讪困难么？相信我没错！）
57. Don’t be nervous, I’m not a good person… (Having trouble flirting? Trust me, it’s right!)
58.只要你一生蛋,咱们便立即把它踩破,绝不让校长和爸妈知道！（床头调情玩笑）
58. As soon as you lay an egg, we’ll step on it immediately and never let the principal or our parents know! (Bedside flirtatious joke)
59.别谢,谢完还怎么好意思向你收钱啊！
59. Don’t thank me, how can I still have the face to ask for money after you’ve thanked me!
（当你给MM帮忙或者做一些让她感激的事~嘿嘿，噎死她，小心粉拳）
(When you help a girl or do something that makes her grateful, hehe, choke her, but be careful of her powdery fists)
60.别和我说放马过来—-我是阿凡提！
60. Don’t tell me to bring it on - I’m Afanti!
（MM：想真人PK么？ 还没说完你就用这句打断她。。。）
(MM: Want a real PK? Interrupt her before she finishes with this sentence…)
61.你都不理我,那我成狗不理了！
61. If you don’t even talk to me, then I’ll become Goubuli!
（MM：真不给我巧克力？我不理你了诺~ ————知道怎么说不？）
(MM: Really not giving me chocolate? I won’t talk to you anymore~ ———— Do you know how to say this?)
62.明月几时有,去问易中天！
62. When will the bright moon appear? Ask Yi Zhongtian!
（随性而发~）
(Impromptu)
63.有日子没吃到肉了，我现在已然修练到连放屁都不带荤味的境界！
63. It’s been a while since I’ve had meat; now I’ve reached the level where even my farts don’t smell meaty!
（有段日子没牵你手了，咱现在已经修炼到逮着小狗都要和它握手。。。前提是它是母的~）
(I haven’t held your hand for a while, and now I’m so desperate that I want to shake hands with a dog… as long as it’s a female.)
64.通常来说，老公瘦，不是老婆欲望过强就是老婆过于抠门。我希望我瘦是因为第一项。
64. Generally speaking, if a husband is thin, it’s either because his wife has too strong a desire or she’s too stingy. I hope I’m thin because of the first reason.
（通常来说，我这么瘦，可是你又这么喜欢给咱买吃的，老婆，你说，咱是因为什么原因瘦的呢？）
(Usually, I’m so thin, but you like to buy food for me. Wife, tell me, why am I thin?)
65.一个人只要长得好看点，他无论干点儿什么大家都觉得倍儿合理，倍儿正常。你看，我当初裸奔都没人看~
65. If someone is good-looking, no matter what they do, everyone thinks it’s very reasonable and normal. You see, when I ran naked, no one even looked!
（其实咱帅的都没人看咱裸奔了。。。）
(In fact, I’m so handsome that no one even looked when I ran naked.)
66.“让我先测试下你的智商，一加一等于几？”
66. “Let me test your IQ first. What’s one plus one?”
他立刻回答了我，这小孩反应真快，他的回答是朝我脸上吐了口唾沫。！
He immediately answered me; this kid is really quick-witted. His answer was to spit on my face!
（你看咱亲戚家小孩多聪明，还好没泼我一脸童子尿~）
(You see how smart our relative’s child is; luckily, they didn’t泼我一脸童子尿~)
67.东方明珠:大上海的阳具，看上去挺雄壮的，只不过……这睾丸怎么一个在上边一个在下边？畸形?
67. The Oriental Pearl Tower: the penis of great Shanghai, it looks quite mighty, but… why is one testicle on top and the other below? Deformed?
（慎用。。。）
(Use with caution.)
68.还吃油炸食品呢，瞧你脸上的痘！都快能连五子棋了！
68. Still eating fried food? Look at the acne on your face! You can almost play Gomoku!
（喂，哥们，打压就是这个味道~）
(Hey, buddy, this is the taste of suppression.)
69.外表青春灿烂，内心破破烂烂。
69. A youthful appearance, but a broken and worn-out heart.
（咱们是同一类人，外表青春灿烂，内心破破烂烂。。。）
(We are the same kind of people, with a youthful appearance and a broken and worn-out heart.)
70.我会涂鸦你们知道么？我经常趁着夜幕去涂鸦`我趁没人的时候就涂：办证：139…………
70. I can graffiti, you know? I often take advantage of the night to graffiti: “Fake IDs: 139……”
（。。。所以你把号码告诉我吧，咱涂鸦技术一流~）
(So… tell me your number, and I’ll share my top-notch graffiti skills with you.)
71.“我宿舍一女生跟我翻脸了”
71. “A girl in my dormitory has turned against me.”
“你俩打么？抽耳光么？抓头发 甩钢笔水儿么？”
“Do you two want to fight? Slap each other? Grab hair, throw ink water?”
“……”
”…”
（夸张法~）
(Exaggeration method~)
72..“小心”我边拉了一下她边说道。
72.. “Be careful,” I said as I pulled her aside.
她看了我一下，疑惑的问道“怎么了？拉我干什么？”
She looked at me, puzzled, and asked, “What’s wrong? Why did you pull me?”
“有个蚂蚁，别把你拌倒了”
“There’s an ant, don’t let it trip you.”
(个人一个牵手惯例~)
(A personal hand-holding routine~)
73.我以为“隐身”别人就找不到我了，没用的，像我这样的人，无论在哪里都像漆黑夜里的萤火虫，够鲜明够出众。
73. I thought that if I “went invisible,” people wouldn’t be able to find me. It’s useless, as someone like me stands out like a firefly in the dark night, bright and distinctive.
（QQ——她：你怎么老隐身？。。。）
(QQ - Her: Why are you always invisible?…)
74.女人吻男人是一种幸福，男人吻女人是一种口福。所以，你是我的口福，我就是你的幸福~（我喜欢直白的调戏，但主意语气，表情和眼神，语气兄弟们自量，表情认真中带着几分俏皮，眼神专注而温柔，要注视对方眼睛）
74. A woman kissing a man is a kind of happiness, a man kissing a woman is a kind of oral fortune. So, you are my oral fortune, and I am your happiness. (I like straightforward teasing, but pay attention to the tone, facial expressions, and gaze. Brothers, judge for yourselves, the tone should be serious with a hint of playfulness, the facial expression serious yet mischievous, and the gaze focused and gentle, looking into the other person’s eyes.)
75.铁公鸡还会留点铁锈呢，你根本就是个不锈钢公鸡！啊，不，是不锈钢母鸡。。。
75. Even an iron rooster leaves some rust, but you are nothing but a stainless steel rooster! Ah, no, a stainless steel hen…
（以前碰到一个十分小气的女人，咱直接抛出这句话了。。。结果她说，你还公鸡呢，公鸡配母鸡。。。我囧了。。。）
(I once met a very stingy woman, and I directly threw this sentence at her… As a result, she said, “You’re still a rooster? A rooster with a hen…” I was speechless…)
76.还没来得及去沾花惹草，就被人拔光了。
76. I haven’t even had the chance to chase after flowers and grass, and I’ve already been plucked.
（她：你是不是很花心，常看到你和不同的女孩子一起。我：我也想啊，可是还没来得及区沾花惹草，就已经被人拔光了。。。）
(Her: Are you very flirtatious? I often see you with different girls. Me: I wish, but I haven’t even had the chance to chase after flowers and grass before being plucked…)
77.每个人出生的时候都是原创，可悲的是，很多人渐渐都成了盗版。说实话，你真像我前女友的盗版。
77. Everyone is an original when they are born, but sadly, many people gradually become counterfeit. Honestly, you really resemble a counterfeit of my ex-girlfriend.
（潜台词，盗版太次，你要变成我的正版~）
(Implicit message: The counterfeit is too inferior; you should become my genuine edition~)
78.知识就像内裤，看不见但很重要。所以，我还是很专一的，一条内裤穿了二十几年~
78. Knowledge is like underwear; it’s invisible but very important. So, I am still very loyal, wearing the same pair of underwear for over 20 years~
（忘了当初用哪里的，好像是关于别人说我留言有才就是人色的一段对话。。。）
(I forgot where I used this originally, it might have been in a conversation about someone saying that my comments were talented but person-colored…)
79.我朋友在他女友手机里的名字是“他”，后来他们分手了，就变成了“它”
79. My friend’s name in his girlfriend’s phone was “He.” After they broke up, it became “It.”
（但愿我自己少做几个“它”。。。）
(I hope I become fewer “its” myself…)
80.我当年也是个痴情的种子，结果下了场雨……淹死了。
80. I used to be a romantic seed, but then it rained… and I drowned.
（她：我想知道你是不是一直这么花心的。）
(She: I want to know if you’ve always been such a flirt.)
1.韩国的后裔是用来撩妹的，中国的后羿是用来射太阳的。
1. Descendants of Korea are for flirting with girls, while Hou Yi from China is for shooting the sun.
2.别做混世大魔王了，做我的小王八吧。
2. Stop being a troublemaker, be my little turtle instead.
3.我会一直喜欢你，直到数学满分。
3. I will keep liking you until I get a full mark in math.
4.今天什么都不想做，只想安静地帅上一天。
4. Today, I don’t want to do anything, just quietly be handsome for the whole day.
5.不想养狗，也不想养猫，想养你，毕竟养猪致富。
5. I don’t want to raise a dog or a cat, I want to raise you, after all, raising a pig can make you rich.
6.一白遮三丑，一高遮五丑，一瘦遮七丑，一富遮百丑，一胖毁所有！
6. One bit of whiteness can hide three uglinesses, one height can hide five uglinesses, one thinness can hide seven uglinesses, one wealth can hide a hundred uglinesses, but one fatness can ruin everything!
7.你不想接我电话就直说，别老让中国移动帮你说对不起。
7. If you don’t want to answer my call, just say it, don’t always let China Mobile say sorry for you.
8.为了当年你那句保重，这么多年我一直没瘦。
8. For your words “take care” back then, I haven’t lost weight for so many years.
9.我要瘦成一道闪电，照亮所有猥琐的死胖子。
9. I want to become a slim lightning, illuminating all the creepy fat people.
10.俺从不写错字，但俺写通假字。
10. I never make mistakes in writing, but I write with alternative characters.
11.有困难要帮，没有困难制造困难也要帮。在美人面前则修正为：有危险要救，没有危险制造危险也要救。
11. If there is difficulty, help is needed; if there is no difficulty, create difficulty and help. In front of a beauty, it should be corrected to: if there is danger, save her; if there is no danger, create danger and save her.
12.如果有钱也是一种错，那我情愿一错再错。
12. If being rich is also a mistake, then I’d rather keep making the same mistake.
13.年纪轻轻，体重倒是不轻。余额不多，想买的倒是不少。
13. Young in age, but not light in weight. Not much balance, but lots of things I want to buy.
14.原谅他是上帝的事，我的任务就是送他去见上帝。
14. Forgiving him is God’s job, my mission is to send him to meet God.
15.空欢喜就是早上醒来，以为自己长高了，仔细一看，原来是被子盖横了……
15. Empty joy is waking up in the morning, thinking you’ve grown taller, only to find out it’s because the quilt is covering you diagonally…
16.你爸我是草原散养的，饿了吃过蚂蚱，不是所有的鸡都叫时光鸡。
16. Your dad is raised in the grasslands, I’ve eaten grasshoppers when hungry, not all chickens are called Time Chicken.
17.你说你愿意和我白头到老，不行，我想黑发飘飘。
17. You said you’d like to grow old with me, but no, I want to keep my black hair flowing.
18.如果你实在饿了打电话给我，我吃点零食嚼给你听。
18. If you’re really hungry, call me, and I’ll chew some snacks for you to listen to.
19.太关注我的人，一般只有两种人，一种是暗恋我的，一种是暗算我的。
19. People who pay too much attention to me generally fall into one of two categories: those who have a crush on me and those who are plotting against me.
20.“我在寻找丢失的记忆”“说人话!”“我在复习”
20. “I’m searching for lost memories.” “Speak human language!” “I’m studying.”
21.黑夜给了我黑色的鼠标，我却用它游戏到天明。
21. The night gave me a black mouse, but I used it to play games until dawn.
22.佛曰：打人用砖乎、求饶，照乎。乎不死再使劲乎。
22. Buddha said: Hit someone with a brick, plead for mercy, and then hit them again. If they’re not dead, hit them even harder.
23.其实我是故意不长个的，因为我恐高，长太高看着就怕。
23. Actually, I purposely didn’t grow taller because I’m afraid of heights. If I were too tall, I’d be scared just looking down.
24.自打我学会了顶嘴，我老婆也学会了磨刀。
24. Ever since I learned to talk back, my wife also learned how to sharpen her knives.
25.今天起大早去上课，刚进教室，老师笑着对我说稀客呀，当时我就傻了。
25. I got up early today to go to class. As soon as I entered the classroom, the teacher smiled at me and said, “Rare guest!” I was stunned at that moment.
26.你们最好选择在中午秀恩爱，知道为什么吗？因为早晚会有报应。
26. You’d better show affection at noon, do you know why? Because sooner or later, there will be retribution.
27.复习的小船说翻就翻，睡觉的欲望说来就来。
27. The little boat of review can capsize at any time, and the desire to sleep comes and goes.
28.跟我要儿童节礼物，我可以给，但过几天的父亲节你们就要注意了。
28. If you ask me for a Children’s Day gift, I can give it, but you should be careful about Father’s Day in a few days.
29.我表白的方式一向简单粗暴，有时间一起睡觉。
29. My way of confessing has always been simple and crude: let’s sleep together when we have time.
30.爱笑的女生一般运气都不会太差，一般都是成绩差。
30. Girls who love to laugh usually don’t have too bad luck, but generally have poor grades.
31.只暖一个女生的男生才叫暖男，暖所有女生的男生叫烧锅炉。
31. A guy who only warms up one girl is called a warm-hearted guy, while a guy who warms up all girls is called a boiler burner.
32.如果你想灌倒我，长的好看的一杯倒，长的丑的豁出命去我也让你见识见识什么叫千杯不醉。
32. If you want to get me drunk, one cup for the good-looking ones, and for the ugly ones, I’ll risk my life to show you what it means to be a thousand-cup hero.
33.抱着滚烫的正在充电的手机，并且把生死置之度外，这是我人生中少有的英勇时分。
33. Holding a hot, charging phone and disregarding my own life and death is one of the few moments of bravery in my life.
34.好不容易习惯了自己的长相，理个发又换了一种丑法。
34. It took me a while to get used to my own appearance, and now getting a haircut has changed my ugliness in another way.
35.听成绩时一定要用右耳，因为左耳靠近心脏，可能会猝死。
35. When listening to the results, be sure to use your right ear, because the left ear is closer to the heart, which might cause sudden death.
36.只要你要，只要我有，不管什么，老子都不会给你。
36. If you want it, and if I have it, no matter what it is, I won’t give it to you.
37.大家好像都去谈恋爱了，留我一人独自建设社会主义。
37. It seems like everyone has gone to fall in love, leaving me alone to build socialism.
38.我说我比较喜欢李白的诗，陆游气坏了，然后我家就没法上网了。
38. I said I prefer Li Bai’s poetry, Lu You got angry, and then I couldn’t access the internet at home.
39.为什么要谈恋爱？是手机不好玩？还是风油精不好用？
39. Why fall in love? Is the phone not fun to play with? Or is the wind oil essence not good to use?
40.说起自己的梦想时双眼发亮，我想成为这样的人。
40. When talking about one’s dreams, their eyes shine brightly, I want to become such a person.
41.我喜欢你，像你妈打你，不讲道理。
41. I like you, like your mom hitting you, without any reason.
42.已经开始研究开学第一天，怎样走进教室比较帅。
42. I have already started researching how to enter the classroom more handsomely on the first day of school.
43.用实践证明，混不好发誓不回去了。
43. Prove with practice that if you don’t do well, you won’t go back.
44.做作业，做一夜，坐一夜，做一页。
44. Do homework, all night long, sitting all night, and finish one page.
45.你像捧在手心里的挚爱，掌心一合，不憋死你才怪…
45. You are like the beloved in the palm of my hand, once I close my palm, it’s strange if you don’t suffocate…
46.每天都要和床撕逼，通常都是我输了。
46. Every day, I have to struggle with my bed, and usually, I lose.
47.问君能有几多愁，恰似一条秋裤人人有。
47. Ask how much sorrow one can have, it’s like everyone has an autumn pants.
48.我也会盲打，只是别人盲打不看键盘，而我不看屏幕。
48. I can type blindfolded, but while others don’t look at the keyboard, I don’t look at the screen.
49.我超能力还有很多，不只是超可爱。
49. I have many superpowers, not just super cuteness.
50.每个抖腿的人，心里都有一台缝纫机。
50. Every person who shakes their leg has a sewing machine in their heart.
51.你可以不同意我的观点，但我可以打你。
51. You can disagree with my opinion, but I can hit you.
52.夜深人静的时候，我常常问自己，当初决定来地球，到底是对是错！
52. In the dead of night, I often ask myself, was it right or wrong to decide to come to Earth?
53.别说世界抛弃了你，世界根本没空搭理你。
53. Don’t say the world has abandoned you, the world just doesn’t have time to pay attention to you.
54.没有医保和寿险的，天黑后不要见义勇为。
54. If you don’t have medical insurance and life insurance, don’t be brave after dark.
55.经常会从梦中惊醒，因为做了一个饿梦，好饿好饿的梦。
55. Often wake up from a dream, because I had a hungry dream, so hungry, so hungry.
56.脸乃身外之物，可要可不要，钱乃必要之物，不得不要。
56. Face is an external thing, can be discarded, money is a necessary thing, have to have it.
57.好累，想在后脑勺划一刀，然后瘫在地上装储蓄罐。
57. So tired, want to cut a slit in the back of my head, then collapse on the ground pretending to be a piggy bank.
58.自拍这种东西：三分天注定，七分靠滤镜。
58. Selfie is like this: 30% is predestined, 70% depends on the filter.
59.小时候关灯，总是要以180迈的速度冲上床！
59. When I was young, turning off the lights meant rushing to bed at 180 miles per hour!
60.如果有来生，我一定要成为神经，因为我走了你就得脑残。
60. If there is an afterlife, I must become a nerve, because without me, you would be brainless.
61.那些迈不过去的坎儿，都是因为你腿短！
61. The obstacles you can’t overcome are all because of your short legs!
62.请不要说我黑，那是为了暗中保护你。
62. Please don’t say I’m black; it’s to protect you in the dark.
63.渐渐的，你们都去了不同的城市，朕的心腹遍布全世界，兴复帝国指日可待啊。
63. Gradually, you all went to different cities, and my confidants are spread all over the world. The revival of the empire is just around the corner.
64.蠢是会传染的，你们别靠近我，我机智。
64. Foolishness is contagious, so don’t come close to me, as I am witty.
65.大姨妈就像灰太狼，走的时候总会喊上一句，我一定会回来的。
65. Aunt Flo is like Grey Wolf, always shouting, “I’ll be back” when she leaves.
66.对你这么好，才不是喜欢你，因为前生你可能是我的宠物猪。
66. I’m only nice to you, not because I like you, but because you might have been my pet pig in a previous life.
67.自从放了假，每天洗脸这件事，再也跟我无关。
67. Since the holiday started, washing my face has become irrelevant to me.
68.我家电脑什么都慢，就死机快。
68. My home computer is slow at everything, except for crashing.
69.作业君，宫玲已毁，断念已残，今日你我恩断义决。
69. Homework, the palace bell is destroyed, and the broken thoughts are left behind. Today, our friendship is severed.
70.别说你是单身狗，狗到你这个年龄已经死了。
70. Don’t say you’re a single dog; by your age, a dog would already be dead.
71.每天都看着不同口味的安眠药在讲台上走来走去。
71. Every day, I watch different flavors of sleeping pills walk around the podium.
72.我常在海边，却不喜欢海，而是喜欢浪。
72. I am often by the sea, but I don’t like the ocean; I like the waves.
73.饿着肚子睡觉，数羊。一只、两只、三只、四只、五串、六串……
73. Going to bed hungry and counting sheep. One, two, three, four, five skewers, six skewers…
74.“岁月磨平了我的棱角。”“明明是胖了还不承认！”
74. “Time has worn down my edges.” “It’s because you’re fat and won’t admit it!”
75.摸摸自己的胸，嗯，我还小我是宝宝。
75. Touch my chest; yes, I’m still young, and I’m a baby.
76.所谓成长，就是在听到“波涛汹涌”四个字，再也联想不到大海了。
76. So-called growth is when you hear the words “billowing waves” and can no longer think of the ocean.
77.其实我小时候并不胖，真的，一句“不许剩饭”毁了我的一生。
77. I wasn’t actually fat when I was young, really. The phrase “no leftovers” ruined my life.
78.做人一定要昂首挺胸，这样别人才看不见你的双下巴。
78. One must always hold their head high and chest out, so others can’t see your double chin.
79.单身的男的叫单身狗，单身的女的叫狗不理。
79. A single man is called a “single dog,” and a single woman is called “dog不理” (a play on words meaning “dogs won’t even bother with her”).
80.你就像移动的磁铁，动不动将我排斥，也不忘把我吸引。
80. You’re like a walking magnet, repelling me at times, yet never forgetting to attract me as well.
81.我已经掌握36种藏私房钱的方式，接下来只差钱了。
81. I’ve already mastered 36 ways to hide private money; now I just need the money.
82.曾以为是那崖畔的一枝花，后来才知道，不过是人海一粒渣！
82. I once thought I was a flower on the cliff, but later I realized I was just a speck in the crowd.
83.我从不怀疑你是美女，我只是怀疑我的审美。
83. I never doubt that you’re beautiful; I just doubt my own taste.
84.成人不自在，自在不成人。
84. Adults are not at ease, and those who are at ease are not adults.
85.哥，在哪里跌倒，就在哪里趴着。
85. Bro, if you fall, just lie there.
86.姐不是电视机，不要老是盯着姐看。
86. I’m not a TV, so stop staring at me all the time.
87.谁家闺女借我用用，明年还你一大一小。
87. Who can lend me their daughter for a while? I’ll return one big and one small next year.
88.我不是骨头，不能让每条狗都追着跑。
88. I’m not a bone; I can’t have every dog chasing after me.
89.不要对我放电，因为我这里有来电显示。
89. Don’t send me electric shocks, because I have a call display here.
90.赖床是对周末最起码的尊重。
90. Staying in bed is the minimum respect for the weekend.
91.开往地狱的火车，已启程，请勿扰。
91. The train to hell has already departed; please do not disturb.
92.母牛撞上高压线，真是牛逼带闪电。
92. A cow hitting a high-voltage wire is truly amazing and lightning-fast.
93.没有医保和寿险的，天黑后不要见义勇为。
93. If you don’t have medical insurance or life insurance, don’t act bravely after dark.
94.没有癞蛤蟆，天鹅也回寂寞。
94. Without toads, swans would also be lonely.
95.情人节表白，人家不听；愚人节表白，人家不信；清明节表白，人家不应。唉。
95. On Valentine’s Day, people don’t listen to confessions of love; on April Fool’s Day, they don’t believe them; on Qingming Festival, they don’t respond. Sigh.
96.脸乃身外之物，可要可不要，钱乃必要之物，不得不要。
96. A face is an external thing, dispensable; money is a necessary thing, indispensable.
97.地理老师问：四大洋分别是那个？我答：喜羊羊美羊羊懒羊羊沸羊羊
97. The geography teacher asked: What are the four oceans? I answered: Pleasant Goat, Beauty Goat, Lazy Goat, and Boiling Goat.
98.话是人说的，屁也是人放的，说话和放屁一样，都是一口气而已。
98. Words are spoken by people, and farts are released by people; speaking and farting are the same, just a breath away.
99.远处看到了一个帅哥，走近一看原来是一面镜子。
99. From afar, I saw a handsome guy, but upon approaching, I realized it was just a mirror.
100.古九尾狐狸有九命，分别亡于语数外政史地理化生。
100. The ancient nine-tailed fox had nine lives, which were lost in language, math, foreign languages, politics, history, geography, chemistry, biology, and physics.
1.我说我比较喜欢李白的诗，陆游气坏了，然后我家就没法上网了。
1. I said I preferred Li Bai’s poetry, and Lu You got so angry that my internet stopped working.
2.失足少女，终于找回自己的脚。
2. The wayward girl finally found her own feet.
3人家有的是背景儿，我有的只是背影儿。
3. Others have a background, while I only have a silhouette.
4.老师的教诲，小明没齿难忘，于是第二天，他镶了一副假牙。
4. The teacher’s teachings were unforgettable for Xiao Ming, so the next day, he got a pair of false teeth.
5.原本想一口一口吃掉忧愁，不料却一口一口吃成胖子。
5. I wanted to eat my worries away one bite at a time, but instead, I became a fat person one bite at a time.
6.敢诅咒我吃方便面没有调味料，我诅咒你吃方便面只有调味料。
6. If you dare to curse me for having no seasoning in my instant noodles, I curse you to only have seasoning in yours.
7.嘿，小样！说你胖你还喘上勒。
7. Hey, buddy! You’re getting out of breath just because I said you’re fat.
8.天空呢，其实是无色的。它并没有欺骗你、你只是自己的眼睛欺骗了自己。
8. The sky, actually, is colorless. It doesn’t deceive you; your own eyes are deceiving you.
9.这么不要脸，这么没心没肺，你的体重应该会很轻吧。
9. You’re so shameless and heartless; your weight should be very light, right?
10.每天一定要有一个很重要的时刻，是用来发呆的。
10. Every day, there must be an important moment dedicated to daydreaming.
11.面对流氓，我就是文人。面对文人，我就是流氓。
11. Facing a hooligan, I am a scholar; facing a scholar, I am a hooligan.
12.时间过的真快，刚起床就天黑了。
12. Time flies so fast; it’s already dark as soon as I get up.
13.化学老师问，煤气泄露要怎么办？别慌，点根儿烟，冷静一下。
13. The chemistry teacher asked, what should you do in case of a gas leak? Don’t panic, light a cigarette and calm down.
14.说好了不要让我流泪，可你TM的拿洋葱熏我。
14. You promised not to make me cry, but you’re using onions to tear up my eyes.
15.人生自古谁不死，下个就要轮到你。
15. Since ancient times, who hasn’t died? You’ll be next.
16.坚强点，失败也是成功的一部分，在哪里跌倒，就在哪里讹人。
16. Be strong; failure is also a part of success. Fall where you may, and scam someone there.
17.睡觉这种东西，果然还是趴在学校桌子上睡得香。
17. Sleeping is indeed more pleasant when done on a school desk.
18.一个班级一个后宫，总有那么几个人在争宠。
18. Each class is like a harem, with a few people vying for favor.
19.我觉得我的数学成绩，很对得起我数学老师的颜值！
19. I feel that my math grade is quite worthy of my math teacher’s good looks!
20.兄台，别逼我动用在北京的势力，我本不想掀起一场腥风血雨。
20. Brother, don’t force me to use my influence in Beijing; I didn’t want to cause a storm.
21.你看着我冷萌冷萌地就好，不要因为得不到我就打我。
21. Just look at my cold and cute appearance, and don’t hit me just because you can’t get me.
22.以前化成灰的人都能认得出，现在化个妆就认不出了。
22. I used to recognize people even if they turned to ashes, but now I can’t recognize them just because they put on makeup.
23.不要扶我，我没醉，前面那条路会动，帮我扶住那条路。
23. Don’t help me; I’m not drunk. The road ahead is moving. Help me hold it still.
24.什么女追男隔层纱，那简直隔的是撒哈拉大沙漠。
24. What they say about girls chasing boys being like a thin layer of gauze is wrong; it’s more like the Sahara Desert.
25.我喜欢你就像我喜欢海，可我也不能去跳海，我可以去上海。
25. I like you just as much as I like the sea, but I can’t jump into the sea; I can go to Shanghai, though.
26.你总是，间歇性踌躇满志，持续性混吃等死，筹谋一天，躺尸一年。
26. You always have these moments of determination, but then you just keep slacking off, planning for a day, and doing nothing for a year.
27.亲爱的，你可得一定要相信我啊，我连坐船都头晕，更何况是脚踏两只船呢。
27. Darling, you must believe me. I get dizzy on a boat; how could I handle being脚踏两只船 (involved with two people at the same time)?
28.麻麻说：我叛逆期怎么整她，她更年期就怎么整我。
28. Mom said: If I mess with her during my rebellious phase, she’ll do the same to me during her menopausal years.
29.描述一下你上课的模样，从脊椎动物变成无脊椎动物最后变成软体动物。
29. Describe your appearance in class: from a vertebrate to an invertebrate, and finally to a mollusk.
30.公布成绩的那一刻最容易得心脏病。
30. The moment when grades are announced is the most heart-attack-inducing.
31.人家手牵手，我牵我的狗，看谁不爽咬一口。
31. While others hold hands, I hold my dog’s leash, and if I’m不爽 (upset) with someone, I’ll let my dog bite them.
32.如果我是一位公主，我会拯救一只青蛙，可我遇到的全是癞蛤蟆。
32. If I were a princess, I would save a frog, but all I’ve encountered are toads.
33.邀请女生出来玩失败有两个原因，一是她懒得洗头，二是你的邀请不值得她洗头。
33. There are two reasons for failing to invite a girl out: either she doesn’t want to wash her hair, or your invitation isn’t worth her washing her hair.
34.穷耐克，富阿迪，流氓一身阿玛尼。
34. Poor wear Nike, rich wear Adidas, and gangsters wear Armani.
35.老子下个学期好好学习，虐爆那些名次排在我前面的人。
35. Next semester, I’ll study hard and crush those who rank above me.
36.题不一定要会做，但是翻卷声音一定要响。
36. It’s not necessary to know how to solve a problem, but the sound of flipping the test paper must be loud.
37.我哪是什么朴实，节俭，会过日子的人，我只是单纯的穷而已。
37. I’m not really simple, frugal, or good at living within my means; I’m just plain broke.
38.以后不要说什么蓝瘦香菇，那是南方人才说的，北方人要有自己的个性。鳖蛆，想蚝。
38. From now on, don’t say “蓝瘦香菇” (feeling blue). That’s something people in the south say. People in the north should have their own style. Say “鳖蛆” (snail), “想蚝” (missing oysters) instead.
39.世界上最虐心的事等了七十多秒广告之后发现这集看过了。
39. The most heartbreaking thing in the world is waiting for more than 70 seconds of ads only to find out you’ve already seen this episode.
40.人品就这么点，省着点儿花，挥霍是可耻的。
40. Character is limited; spend it wisely, as squandering it is shameful.
41.眉毛少的人没法做朋友，拍个照不让美白，因为一美白她眉毛就不见了。
41. People with sparse eyebrows can’t be friends, because if you take a photo and use the whitening filter, their eyebrows will disappear.
42.我能想到最浪漫的事，就是看你慢慢变老而我依旧帅气逼人。
42. The most romantic thing I can think of is watching you grow old while I remain handsome and charming.
43.中华儿女千千万，这个不行咱就换。
43. There are countless Chinese sons and daughters; if this one doesn’t work, we can always move on to the next.
44.鸵鸟的幸福，只是一堆沙子。
44. The happiness of an ostrich is just a pile of sand.
45.一直对发型不满意的人，有一个共同点：不肯承认这是脸的问题。
45. People who are always dissatisfied with their hairstyles have one thing in common: they refuse to admit that it’s a face issue.
46.永远都不要跟同一个傻子争辩，因为争辩到最后，会分不清谁是傻子。
46. Never argue with the same fool, because in the end, you won’t be able to tell who the fool is.
47.这个世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
47. In this world, I only trust two people: one is me, and the other is not you.
48.一直在找一个叫厉的人，我想为我哥哥报仇，因为，厉害了我的哥！
48. I’ve been looking for someone named Li, because I want to avenge my brother, because, “Li” means “powerful” and my brother is awesome!
49.我也不知道怎么形容现在这种感觉，反正就是，不想活了。除非你亲我一下。
49. I don’t know how to describe this feeling, but it’s like, I don’t want to live anymore. Unless you kiss me.
50.你说走就走，从未顾虑过我的感受，见你第一眼就知道，你是一条难养的狗。
50. You just leave without considering my feelings. From the first glance, I knew you were a difficult dog to raise.
51.坏人需要实力，败类更需要品位。
51. Being a bad person requires strength; being a despicable person requires taste.
52.时间是用来流浪的，身躯是用来相爱的，生命是用来遗忘的，而灵魂，是用来歌唱的。
52. Time is for wandering, bodies are for loving, lives are for forgetting, and souls are for singing.
53.种草不让人去躺，不如改种仙人掌！
53. If you don’t allow people to lie down on the grass, it’s better to plant cactus instead!
54.混社会是个体力活儿，讲究四门功课：闪转腾挪。
54. Mixing in society is a physically demanding job, focusing on four skills: dodging, turning, leaping, and moving.
55.每当冲锋号响起，我就赶紧躲进壕沟里，因为：我是卧底！
55. Whenever the charge bugle sounds, I quickly hide in the trench, because: I’m an undercover agent!
56.就你这个样子，这个年龄，已经跌破发行价了。
56. With your appearance and age, you’ve already fallen below the initial public offering price.
57.你走你的过街天桥，我过我的地下通道。
57. You take your overpass, and I’ll take my underground passage.
58.为什么一看书，就困呢？因为书，是梦开始的地方。
58. Why does reading make you sleepy? Because books are where dreams begin.
59.提问：为什么暑假一定比寒假长?回答：因为热胀冷缩。
59. Question: Why is summer vacation always longer than winter vacation? Answer: Because of thermal expansion and contraction.
60.心情不好的时候，我就半夜给别人打骚扰电话，把他们吵醒了，我就睡觉。
60. When I’m in a bad mood, I make prank calls to people in the middle of the night. Once I wake them up, I go to sleep.
61.我这人从不记仇，一般有仇我当场就报了。
61. I never hold grudges. If I have a grudge, I settle it on the spot.
62.我的兴趣爱好可分为静态和动态两种，静态就是睡觉，动态就是翻身…
62. My hobbies can be divided into static and dynamic. Static is sleeping, and dynamic is turning over…
63.每个人出生的时候都是原创，很可惜，很多人渐渐成了盗版。
63. Every person is born original, but unfortunately, many people gradually become counterfeit.
64.什么叫成熟，你妈没逼你，你就穿上秋裤了。什么叫青春，你妈逼着你，你还是不穿秋裤。
64. What is maturity? It’s when you put on your long johns without your mom nagging you. What is youth? It’s when your mom forces you, but you still don’t wear long johns.
65.我哪是什么朴实，节俭，会过日子的人，我只是单纯的穷而已。
65. I’m not really simple, frugal, or good at living within my means; I’m just plain poor.
66.待你长发及腰，我便开启双刀，十字斩加暴走，长发全带走！
66. When your long hair reaches your waist, I’ll unsheathe my twin blades, use Cross Slash and Rampage, and take all the long hair away!
67.蚊子不可恶，可恶的是唐伯虎忘了给我们点蚊香。
67. Mosquitoes are not the worst; the worst is that Tang Bohu forgot to light mosquito incense for us.
68.粗腿女生羡慕嫉妒各种小细腿，不管他是男是女。
68. Girls with thick legs envy and are jealous of any slim legs, regardless of whether they belong to a man or a woman.
69.找不到被子长短边的时候，感觉整个人在做印度甩饼。
69. When I can’t find the long or short edge of the blanket, I feel like I’m making an Indian flatbread.
70.听说女生上辈子造的孽越多，今世的胸就越大。
70. I heard that the more sins a girl committed in her previous life, the bigger her chest is in this life.
71.我长不高的原因大概是因为一直在迷你。
71. The reason I don’t grow tall is probably because I’m always short.
72.我的灵魂在唱歌在跳舞，只是肉体赖在床上。
72. My soul is singing and dancing, but my body just lies in bed.
73.我有八十多种小辣条，现在考虑跟我做朋友还来得及。
73. I have more than 80 types of spicy snacks, and it’s still time to consider being friends with me.
74.每次跟别人吵完架，等躺在床上的时候，才知道当时应该怎么骂。
74. Every time I finish arguing with someone, when I lie in bed, I realize how I should have scolded them at that time.
75.我好像对纸过敏，每次做作业都难受。
75. I seem to be allergic to paper, as I feel uncomfortable every time I do homework.
76.他不理你怎么了，别担心，还有我，我也懒得理你。
76. So what if he ignores you? Don’t worry, I’m here too, and I’m also too lazy to pay attention to you.
77.我是说呢为何咱俩总是混不熟，原来你特别喜欢见外啊。
77. I was wondering why we could never get close, and it turns out you’re particularly fond of being distant.
78.从小学到大学，唯一不变的就是一颗不想念书的心。
78. From elementary school to university, the only thing that remains unchanged is the heart that doesn’t want to study.
79.考试：开卷和闭卷的不同就在于，一个在上面抄，一个在下面抄。
79. The difference between open-book and closed-book exams is that one copies from above, and the other copies from below.
80.怎么给MM过一个难忘的生日？先把她爆揍一顿，然后把广州最贵楼盘的房证送上，保证既难忘又惊喜！
80. How to give a girl an unforgettable birthday? First, beat her up, and then present her with the deed to the most expensive property in Guangzhou. It’s guaranteed to be both unforgettable and surprising!
81.老婆看完几个我在大学交的女友照片后，一个劲地夸我不好色。
81. After looking at some photos of my college girlfriends, my wife kept praising me for not being a lecher.
82.最受不了这样的商家–牌子上写道：拆迁，给钱就卖！一件羽绒服我甩给她块她就是不卖，太欺诈消费者了！
82. I can’t stand such merchants - their sign reads: “Demolition, sell for money!” I offered her 10 yuan for a down jacket, but she wouldn’t sell, it’s so deceptive to consumers!
83.帅有个屁用！到头来还不是被卒吃掉！
83. What’s the use of being handsome? In the end, you’re still eaten by a pawn.
84.没什么事不要找我，有事更不用找我。
84. Don’t look for me when there’s nothing to do, and don’t look for me when there’s something to do either.
85.天使之所以会飞，是因为她们把自己看得很轻…
85. Angels can fly because they take themselves so lightly…
86.拥抱真是个奇怪的东西，明明靠的那么近，却看不见彼此的脸。
86. Hugging is such a strange thing, being so close to each other, yet unable to see each other’s faces.
87.下辈子我还找你，因为除了我，你是最傻的。
87. I’ll still find you in the next life, because aside from me, you’re the most foolish.
88.争吵的时候，男人和女人的区别像是步枪和机关枪的区别。
88. The difference between men and women during an argument is like the difference between a rifle and a machine gun.
89.爷爷都是从孙子走过来的……
89. Grandfathers were once grandsons…
90.女人拥有无数个QQ号只为了调戏一个男人，男人常用一个QQ号上面加满各种各样的女人…
90. Women have countless QQ accounts just to tease one man, while men often use a single QQ account to add all sorts of different women…
91.不怕虎一样的敌人，就怕猪一样的队友！
91. I’m not afraid of an enemy like a tiger, but I am afraid of a teammate like a pig.
92.信就是信，不信就是不信，你丫的还微信。
92. Trust is trust, and distrust is distrust. Why do you still use WeChat?
93.什么是坏人，白天脱裤子的男人，晚上不卸妆的女人。
93. What is a bad person? A man who takes off his pants during the day, and a woman who doesn’t remove her makeup at night.
94.不怕喝敌敌畏，就怕开盖有惊喜，畅享多一瓶该与谁分享。
94. I’m not afraid of drinking DDT, but I am afraid of the surprise inside the bottle cap. Who should I share the extra bottle with?
95.作为一个禽兽，这世界上也只有禽兽不如才能打败我。
95. As an animal, only someone worse than an animal can defeat me in this world.
96.为什么我不幸的时候，上帝总是在打瞌睡。
96. Why is God always dozing off when I’m unfortunate?
97.有时，我做梦都想“吃饱了撑着”。
97. Sometimes, I even dream of being “stuffed after eating my fill.”
98.拿份报纸上厕所，俺是读书人。
98. Bringing a newspaper to the toilet, I’m a scholar.
99.房价越来越高，所以，好男人越来越少。
99. House prices are getting higher and higher, so good men are becoming fewer and fewer.
100.孟婆婆，给我汤的时候，千万记着放糖，我来生在谢你。
100. Old Lady Meng, when giving me the soup, remember to put sugar in it, and I’ll thank you in my next life.
1.有的人，做面膜的时候，比真人好看多了。
1. Some people look much better when wearing a facial mask than they do in real life.
2.你若使用美人儿计，我就将计就计。
2. If you use the beauty trick on me, I’ll play along with it.
3.你就是我心中的那首忐忑，总是让我惊心动魄。
3. You are the忐忑 in my heart, always making me feel thrilled and nervous.
4.不在课堂上沉睡，就在酒桌上埋醉。
4. Either doze off in class or get drunk at the bar.
5.人生就像一次旅行，指不定会在哪翻车。
5. Life is like a journey; you never know where you might have an accident.
6.如果我死了，我的第一句话是：老子终于不用怕鬼了。
6. If I die, my first words will be: I’m finally not afraid of ghosts anymore.
7.有事直接奔主题，不要拿你的无知，挑战我的黑名单。
7. Get straight to the point; don’t challenge my blacklist with your ignorance.
8.黑夜给了我黑色的鼠标，我却用它游戏到天明。
8. The night gave me a black mouse, but I used it to play games until dawn.
9.将错就错，或者将计就计了，反正将就了。
9. Go along with the mistake, or play along with it, either way, just make do.
10.你走你的过街天桥，我过我的地下通道。
10. You take your overpass, and I’ll take my underground passage.
11.最有魅力的人是康师傅，每天都有成千上万的人泡他。
11. The most charming person is Master Kang, as thousands of people “soak” him every day.
12.两人若在长久时，大眼瞪小眼也是浪漫事。
12. If two people are together for a long time, even staring at each other’s big eyes can be romantic.
13.黄瓜在于拍，人生在于嗨。
13. The essence of cucumber lies in slapping it, and the essence of life lies in having fun.
14.总觉得，床吧，铺得太整齐，会有点安度晚年的意思。嗯，还是凌乱些，比较有朝气。
14. I always feel that if the bed is too neatly made, it will have a sense of spending one’s twilight years in peace. Hmm, it’s better to be a bit messy, which is more spirited.
15.姐不是广场上算卦的，唠不出那么多你爱听的嗑。
15. I’m not a fortune teller in the square; I can’t chatter as much as you’d like to hear.
16.如果朋友可以出卖，每个值五块的话，我也能发笔小财了。
16. If friends could be sold, and each was worth five bucks, I could make a small fortune.
17.走投无路还走什么走，直接坐车啊。
17. If you’re out of options, why walk? Just take a car.
18.听君一席话，省我十本书！
18. Listening to your words has saved me the trouble of reading ten books!
19.生活就像宋祖德的嘴，你永远都不知道下一个倒霉的会是谁。
19. Life is like Song Zude’s mouth; you never know who will be the next victim.
20.学校的智能是：你想干嘛就不让你干嘛。
20. The school’s intelligence is: if you want to do something, they won’t let you do it.
21.一个人快活，两个人生活，三个人就是你死我活。
21. One person is happy, two people live together, three people means a life-or-death situation.
22.淡定是因为你不怕死，我比你淡定是因为我不怕你死。
22. Calmness is because you are not afraid of death; I am calmer than you because I am not afraid of your death.
23.人生的两大悲剧：一是万念俱灰，一是踌躇满志。
23. The two great tragedies of life: one is despair, the other is overconfidence.
24.别看姐不美，姐照样把你耍的找不着北。
24. Don’t judge me by my appearance; I can still leave you disoriented.
25.药不医假病，酒不解真愁。
25. Medicine cannot cure a fake illness, and alcohol cannot dissolve true sorrow.
26.我都不泡你了，你又何苦泡我。
26. I’m not even pursuing you, so why bother pursuing me?
27.每一个学渣上辈子都是折翼的小天使。
27. Every underachiever was a fallen angel in their previous life.
28.再发嗲，也改变不了你奔三的年龄和样貌。
28. No amount of coquetry can change your age and appearance as you approach thirty.
29.我以前也是一个瘦子，直到一句话改变了我。你吃啊，吃啊，你又不胖。我就误认为自己真的不胖。
29. I used to be a skinny person until a sentence changed me. “Eat, eat, you’re not fat.” I mistakenly thought I was really not fat.
30.春困，夏倦，秋乏，冬眠，四季如梦叫我怎能认真听讲。
30. Spring drowsiness, summer lethargy, autumn fatigue, winter hibernation; how can I listen attentively when the four seasons are like a dream?
31.但凡是美味的食物，都在对我撒媚眼，忍不住要宠幸。
31. Any delicious food is flirting with me, and I can’t resist the temptation to indulge.
32.待我长发及腰，遮住一身肥膘，纵然虎背熊腰，也要高冷傲娇。
32. When my long hair reaches my waist, covering my chubby body, even with a bear-like figure, I will remain aloof and proud.
33.考试你真坏！伤了我的心不说，还伤我爸妈的心。
33. Exams, you’re so mean! Not only do you hurt my heart, but you also hurt my parents’ hearts.
34.皮肤给你送了，段位给你打了，你现在跟我说你是男的，草泥马就算是男的我也要跟你在一起。
34. You’ve given me your skin, and you’ve played the game for me. Now you tell me you’re a guy? Screw it, even if you were a guy, I’d still be with you.
35.人要是倒霉起来，吃火锅不管坐哪里，烟都往你脸上飘。
35. When you’re having bad luck, no matter where you sit while hot pot, the smoke always drifts towards your face.
36.中分看鼻子，齐刘海看脸型，斜刘海看气质，无刘海看五官，我适合蒙面！
36. With a middle part, you look at the nose; with bangs, you look at the face shape; with side-swept bangs, you look at the temperament; without bangs, you look at the facial features. I guess I’m suited for wearing a mask!
37.当初我看上你，因为我脑子进水了，现在我脑子抖干了。
37. I took a liking to you because I had water on the brain, but now my brain has dried up.
38.每次临时抱佛脚的时候。佛总是给我一脚。
38. Every time I try to seek Buddha’s help at the last minute, Buddha always gives me a kick.
39.提问：为什么暑假一定比寒假长?回答：因为热胀冷缩。
39. Question: Why is summer vacation always longer than winter vacation? Answer: Because of thermal expansion and contraction.
40.我左手拿叉右手拿刀，把生活慢慢享用。
40. I hold a fork in my left hand and a knife in my right, slowly savoring life.
41.问君能有几多愁，恰似一扎雪花啤酒。
41. Ask how much sorrow one can have, it’s like a bunch of snowflake beer.
42.征婚启事：要求如下，A活的，B女的。
42. Marriage ad: Requirements are as follows, A: Alive, B: Female.
43.在街上看美女，目光高一点就是欣赏，目光低一点就是流氓。
43. Looking at beautiful women on the street, a little higher gaze means appreciation, a little lower gaze means being a scoundrel.
44.在这个薄情年代，要想别人对你念念不忘，最好的办法就是欠钱不还！
44. In this unemotional era, the best way to make others remember you is to borrow money and not pay it back!
45.我们只要有一颗自信心，神马都米有鸭梨。
45. As long as we have self-confidence, there will be no pressure like a duck with a pear.
46.我的人生一半是倒霉，另一半是处理倒霉的事。
46. My life is half unlucky, and the other half is dealing with the unlucky things.
47.总觉得，床吧，铺得太整齐，会有点安度晚年的意思。嗯，还是凌乱些，比较有朝气。
47. I always feel that if the bed is too neatly made, it will have a sense of spending the twilight years in peace. Well, it’s better to be a bit messy and more spirited.
48.考试时，本想要咸鱼翻锅的，他奶奶的，没想到粘锅了。
48. During the exam, I wanted to turn the salted fish, but奶奶的 (grandma’s), I didn’t expect it to stick to the pan.
49.你们经过草丛的时候小心点，别弄脏了我这个月要吃的土。
49. Be careful when passing through the grass, don’t dirty the soil I’m going to eat this month.
50.只想优美转身，不料华丽撞墙。
50. Just want to make a graceful turn, but unexpectedly, I collided with the wall brilliantly.
51.做自己想做的事，别的，就让猪乱说去吧。
51. Do what you want to do, and let the pigs gossip as they please.
52.爱情是毒药，糖衣太美妙，浅尝了即止就好，喝下了把命都送掉。
52. Love is a poison, the sugar coating is too wonderful, just take a little taste, and if you drink it all, you’ll lose your life.
53.这个世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
53. In this world, I only believe in two people, one is me, and the other is not you.
54.鸭子太嚣张，兔子太多嘴，我是猪，我很乖。
54. Ducks are too arrogant, rabbits talk too much, I am a pig, and I am very well-behaved.
55.日照香芦升子烟，李白来到烤鸭店，口水直流三千尺，一模兜里没有钱。
55. Sunlight rises with the fragrance of reeds, Li Bai comes to the roast duck shop, his mouth watering for three thousand feet, but he has no money in his pocket.
56.思想品德不及格，总比没思想好。
56. Failing in moral character is better than having no thoughts at all.
57.如果不能美得惊人，那就丑得勾魂吧！
57. If you can’t be stunningly beautiful, then be captivatingly ugly!
58.踏遍青楼人未老，请用汇仁肾宝。
58. Having visited all the brothels and not yet old, please use Hui Ren Kidney Treasure.
59.人生自古谁无死，早死晚死都得死。
59. Since ancient times, who has not faced death in life? We all have to die, sooner or later.
60.跌倒了站起来，换个好看的姿势再倒下去。
60. If you fall, stand up and find a more attractive pose to fall again.
61.老师说过：世上没有后悔药，只有老鼠药。
61. The teacher said: There is no regret medicine in the world, only rat poison.
62.骗子多了、傻子都明显不够用了。
62. With so many liars, fools are clearly not enough.
63.宁可胖的精致，，也不要瘦的雷同。
63. I’d rather be well-fed and unique than skinny and ordinary.
64.如果有来生，我要当条被子，不是躺在床上就是在晒太阳！
64. If there is an afterlife, I want to be a quilt, either lying on a bed or basking in the sun!
65.骑驴把歌颂，不是秃子头发总是会失光的。
65. Praise the donkey while riding it, for eventually, even if you’re not bald, your hair will still fade away.
66.我能吃不代表我是吃货，只能说说明我好养。
66. Just because I can eat doesn’t mean I’m a foodie; it just means I’m easy to please.
67.钱包，你怎么了钱包，回答我钱包，你怎么又瘦了，醒醒丫。
67. Wallet, what’s wrong with you? Wallet, answer me, why have you become so thin again? Wake up!
68.给我订两张去天庭的机票、我要去找月老谈谈。
68. Book me two tickets to heaven; I want to have a talk with the Matchmaker.
69.早上闹钟开始发狂，被子突然抱住我，枕头给我唱安眠曲，然后我就睡着了。
69. In the morning, the alarm clock goes crazy, the quilt suddenly hugs me, and the pillow sings a lullaby to me, so I fall asleep again.
70.每次手机卡时就狂按home键，就像在给手机做心肺复苏。
70. Every time my phone freezes, I press the home button frantically, as if performing CPR on the phone.
71.我生气的时候一定要哄我，买吃的给我，等老子吃饱了打死你。
71. When I’m angry, you must coax me, buy me food, and wait until I’m full to beat you up.
72.当你生活不顺心的时候，不要慌；看看你的钱包和存款，哭出来就好了。
72. When life is not going well, don’t panic; just take a look at your wallet and savings, and you’ll cry.
73.王子拿着落下来的43码的水晶鞋，陷入沉思了。
73. The prince held the fallen size 43 glass slipper and fell into deep thought.
74.人生就像斗地主，刚还是一伙的，一转眼就是敌人。
74. Life is like playing Landlord, one moment you’re on the same team, and the next, you’re enemies.
75.左手拿着书，右手拿着打火机，哪里不会点哪里！
75. Hold a book in your left hand and a lighter in your right, and point at the parts you don’t understand!
76.当年考完英语听力，悟出一个道理：有些话，只说给懂的人听。
76. After taking the English listening test, I realized a truth: some words are only spoken to those who understand.
77.天没降大任于我，照样苦我心志，劳我筋骨。
77. Heaven has not bestowed a great mission upon me, yet it still torments my heart and exhausts my body.
78.上英语课，老师叫我们读苹果这个单词，全班很默契地大喊“iphone”。
78. In the English class, the teacher asked us to read the word “apple” aloud, and the whole class shouted “iPhone” in unison.
79.睡到半夜手机掉了，结果我捡起拖鞋睡着了！
79. I dropped my phone in the middle of the night, and ended up picking up my slippers and falling asleep!
80.北风吹，秋风凉，谁家娇妻守空房，你有困难我帮忙，我住隔壁我姓王。
80. The north wind blows, the autumn wind is cool, who has a delicate wife waiting in an empty room? If you have any difficulties, I’m here to help, I live next door and my surname is Wang.
81.我的哀愁莫过于躺下去胸平了肚子还在。
81. My sorrow is that when I lie down, my chest flattens but my stomach remains.
82.月考不给你们露两手，还真以为我上课白睡的。
82. If I don’t show you my skills in the monthly exam, you might think I’ve been sleeping in class for nothing.
83.小时候不爱吃饭，导致现在个矮；现在是爱吃饭了，导致又胖又矮。
83. I didn’t like eating as a child, which led to my short stature; now that I love eating, I’m both fat and short.
84.别和我抢东西，虽然我不会撒娇，但我会玩摔跤。
84. Don’t fight with me over things, although I can’t act coquettish, I can wrestle.
85.有人说我丑，我笑了，你是没有见过我的那帮朋友。
85. Someone said I’m ugly, and I laughed, you haven’t met my group of friends.
86.多撮合撮合班里的男女同学，这样将来能省一半的份子钱。
86. Try to match up more male and female classmates in the class, this way you can save half the money for the wedding gifts in the future.
87.认识你之后，一种智力上的优越感，油然而生。
87. After getting to know you, a sense of intellectual superiority arises spontaneously.
88.没喝酒之前我是沈阳的，喝完酒之后沈阳是我的。
88. Before drinking, I belong to Shenyang; after drinking, Shenyang belongs to me.
89.午觉这种东西，果然还是趴在学校桌子上睡得香。
89. Naps are indeed more enjoyable when taken on the school desk.
90.请大声朗读：卧梅又闻花，卧枝伤恨低。邀闻卧石碎，卧湿达春绿。
90. Please read out loud: Wo Mei You Wen Hua, Wo Zhi Shang Hen Di. Yao Wen Wo Shi Sui, Wo Shi Da Chun Lv.
91.不给我买零食就别来打扰我，宝宝的时间很珍贵。
91. Don’t bother me if you’re not buying me snacks, baby’s time is precious.
92.因为早上和被窝分手，现在被窝对我十分冰冷。
92. Because I broke up with my warm bed this morning, now it’s cold to me.
93.有时候喝一点酒，借着冷冷的月光总翻来覆去想不明白，我为什么要下凡？
93. Sometimes after a little drink, under the cold moonlight, I can’t help but toss and turn, wondering why I descended to the mortal world?
94.不要扁着嘴，我会很想要咬上去，因为实在太像一根烤肠了。
94. Don’t pout, I’ll want to bite it because it looks just like a grilled sausage.
95.收到了快递不会再急着拆开，我想我学会了矜持。
95. I won’t rush to open the package upon receiving the express delivery, I think I’ve learned to be reserved.
96.长得好看的人才有青春，像我们这种人就只有大学了。
96. Good-looking people have youth, while people like us only have college.
97.现在的梦想决定着你的将来，所以还是再睡一会吧。
97. Your current dreams determine your future, so you might as well sleep a little longer.
98.每次语文课上，要回答问题时，全班总是一片死寂。
98. Every time in Chinese class, when it’s time to answer questions, the whole class falls silent.
99.不理你怎么了，别担心，还有我，我也懒得理你。
99. I don’t care what’s wrong with you, don’t worry, I’m here too, but I’m too lazy to care about you.
100.这日子太无聊了，一点点风吹，我就想草动。
100. These days are so boring, a little wind and I think the grass is moving.
1.非诚勿扰女嘉宾再牛也就灭一个男的的灯，宿舍楼下阿姨能灭一整楼的!
1. Non诚勿扰 female guests can extinguish the light of one man at most, but the aunt downstairs can extinguish an entire building!
2.一直对发型不满意的人，有一个共同点:不肯承认这是脸的问题。
2. People who are always dissatisfied with their hairstyles have one thing in common: they refuse to admit that it’s a problem with their face.
3.我把所有的记忆串联成一部电影，一部悲剧就生产了。
3. I’ve strung together all my memories into a movie, and a tragedy has been produced.
4.都说姐漂亮，其实都是妆出来的。
4. Everyone says my sister is beautiful, but it’s all thanks to makeup.
5.挨饿这事，干得好就叫减肥;掐人这事，干得好就叫按摩;发呆这事，干得好就叫深沉;偷懒这事，干得好就叫享受;死皮赖脸这事，干得好就叫执著;装傻这事，如果干的好，那叫大智若愚。
5. Starving can be called dieting if done well; pinching can be called massage if done well; daydreaming can be called deep thinking if done well; being lazy can be called enjoying life if done well; being shameless can be called persistence if done well; acting foolish, if done well, is called feigning ignorance.
6.友情就像花瓶一样，被人一捣鼓就碎了。
6. Friendship is like a vase, it shatters when someone tampers with it.
7.内练一口气，外练一口屁。
7. Cultivate your inner breath, and your outer breath will follow.
8.能动手，就尽量别吵吵。
8. If you can take action, try not to argue.
9.能抗洪的尿布湿，才是真正的尿布湿！
9. A diaper that can withstand flooding is a truly great diaper!
10.你穿的很危险，但长得很安全。
10. You dress dangerously, but you look safe.
11.你信仰基督教，还是公鸡叫。
11. Do you believe in Christianity or the rooster’s crow?
12.你走你的阳光道，我走我的地下道。
12. You take your path in the sunlight, and I’ll take mine in the underground.
13.起的比鸡早，睡的比猫晚，赚的比秃子的毛还少。
13. Waking up earlier than a rooster and sleeping later than a cat, earning less than a bald man’s hair.
14.步步高打火机，哪里不会点哪里。
14. Step by step, higher and higher. Lighter everywhere you don’t know.
15.男人不能惯，越惯越混蛋。女人就得宠，越宠越有种，还是别人的。
15. Men shouldn’t be spoiled, the more you spoil them, the more they become jerks. Women should be pampered, the more you pamper them, the more they have a certain charm, but it still belongs to others.
16.穿的一个比一个危险，长得一个比一个安全
16. Dressed more dangerously than the last, but safer in appearance than the last.
17.春色满园关不住，我诱红杏出墙来。
17. The spring scenery cannot be contained within the garden, I lure the red apricot to climb over the wall.
18.到处都有痛苦，而比痛苦更为持久且尖利伤人的是，到处都有抱有期望的等待。
18. Pain is everywhere, but what lasts longer and hurts more sharply than pain is the expectation-filled waiting that is everywhere.
19.没钱的时候，在家里吃野菜，有钱的时候，在酒店吃野菜。
19. When I have no money, I eat wild vegetables at home; when I have money, I eat wild vegetables at the hotel.
20.俺从不写措字，但俺写通假字！
20. I never write wrong characters, but I write pseudo-characters!
21.勃起不是万能的，但不能勃起却是万万都不能的！
21. Erection is not omnipotent, but impotence is absolutely impossible!
22.借朋友的车开，朋友说还的时候要给车加油。还车时，我冲车鼓了鼓掌。
22. I borrowed a friend’s car and was told to refuel it when returning it. When I returned the car, I clapped for it.
23.给我一个女人，我可以创造一个民族，给我一瓶酒，我可以带领他们征服全世界！
23. Give me a woman, and I can create a nation; give me a bottle of liquor, and I can lead them to conquer the world!
24.生下来的人没有怕死的，怕死的都没生下来，所以谁都别装横！
24. No one is born afraid of death; those who are afraid of death are not born, so don’t act tough!
25.如果考试用QB做奖励，那么国家马上就会富强的。
25. If exams used QB as rewards, the country would become rich and powerful immediately.
26.大哥，把你脸上的分辨率调低点好吗？
26. Big brother, can you lower the resolution of your face, please?
27.敬告各位家长：请不要骂自己的孩子是“小兔崽子”，因为从遗传学的角度讲，这对你们自己是非常不利的。
27. A warning to all parents: Please do not call your children “little rabbits,” as it is very disadvantageous to you from a genetic perspective.
28.谁骂我傻B我跟谁好，我就喜欢和B交朋友。
28. Whoever calls me a fool, I will be friends with them; I just like making friends with “B.”
29.世界上最远的距离不是你我天各一方，而是同窗不同房。
29. The farthest distance in the world is not that we are separated by the sky, but that we are in the same classroom but different rooms.
30.装成熟、是往老里打扮的行为。
30. Pretending to be mature is an act of dressing up as an old person.
31.忽然发现自从我配了眼镜就不敢出门了。
31. Suddenly, I find that I dare not go out since I got my glasses.
32.好寂寞，连欲望都被我挣脱。
32. So lonely, even my desires have been broken free by me.
33.给我一双筷子。我可以吃掉整个地球。
33. Give me a pair of chopsticks, and I can eat the whole Earth.
34.别烦我，再烦我，你一会就掉茅坑了。
34. Don’t bother me, or you’ll fall into the latrine in a moment.
35.别回头，哥恋的只是你的背影。
35. Don’t look back; what I’m in love with is just your back.
36.哥吸烟，是因为它伤肺，不伤心。
36. I smoke because it hurts my lungs, not my heart.
37.凡事皆有代价，快乐的代价便是痛苦。
37. Everything has a price; the price of happiness is pain.
38.当江湖有了传说，不满城风雨，是对不起观众的。
38. When the world has legends, if there isn’t a storm in the city, it’s对不起观众 (an idiomatic expression meaning “it’s not up to the audience’s expectations”).
39.打死我也不说，你们还没使美人计呢！
39. I would rather die than tell you; you haven’t even tried using a honey trap yet!
40.大理石牌鞋垫，要脚不要脸。
40. Marble nameplate insoles, caring more about your feet than your face.
41.出来混，迟早会烦的。
41. If you hang out long enough, you’ll eventually get annoyed.
42.打你就打你，还要挑日子吗？
42. If I want to hit you, do I really need to choose a day?
43.打个小麻将，吃个麻辣烫。找个小对象，生活就这样。
43. Play a small mahjong game, eat some spicy hot pot. Find a small partner, and that’s life.
44.在这个什么都涨价的时代里，我突然欣喜地发现，空气没有涨价，反倒是料越来越多了。
44. In this era where everything is getting more expensive, I suddenly discovered with joy that the price of air hasn’t increased, but the ingredients have become more abundant.
45.迄今为止，三个苹果改变了世界:一个诱-惑了夏娃，一个砸醒了牛顿，一个握在乔布斯手里。
45. So far, three apples have changed the world: one tempted Eve, one awakened Newton, and one was held in Jobs’ hand.
46.现在北京只有呼吸和放屁不用排队了。
46. Nowadays in Beijing, only breathing and farting don’t require waiting in line.
47.即使你已名花有主，我也要移花接木。
47. Even if you are already taken, I will still try to win you over.
48.鹅鹅鹅，曲项用刀割，拔毛加瓢水，点火盖上锅!
48. Goose, goose, goose, with a curved neck and a knife to cut, pluck feathers and add water, light the fire and cover the pot!
49.国家为什么没有拿你的脸皮去研究防弹衣呢?
49. Why hasn’t the country used your face to research bulletproof vests?
50.莫非阁下就是当年华山论贱的智障大师养的小沙弥低能狗旺财踩死的屎壳螂层滚过的的一颗粪球?
50. Could it be that you are the dung beetle that was stepped on by the lowly dog, Wangcai, raised by the mentally challenged master who participated in the Huashan Debate, and rolled over by a layer of feces?
51.你不是我脑袋里的交-警，无权干预我的走向
51. You are not the traffic cop in my mind; you have no right to interfere with my direction.
52.你的笑容比阳光下那坨狗屎还灿烂
52. Your smile is more brilliant than that pile of dog poop under the sunlight.
53.那些总说别人装逼的人，你们连逼都不是。
53. Those who always say others are showing off don’t even have anything worth showing off.
54.因为我掏心掏肺的去爱你，所以我只能没心没肺的放弃你。
54. Because I loved you with all my heart and soul, I can only heartlessly and ruthlessly give you up.
55.过去一直喜欢她的胸怀宽广，其实那也无非是一片飞机场！
55. I used to like her broad-mindedness, but in fact, it was nothing more than an airport runway!
56.自从我变成了狗屎，就再也没有人踩在我头上了。
56. Ever since I became dog poop, no one has stepped on me anymore.
57.承诺，就像放屁，当时惊天动地，过后苍白无力。
57. Promises are like farts; they may be earth-shattering at the moment, but afterwards, they become pale and powerless.
58.你若废我现在，我必废你将来。
58. If you ruin me now, I will definitely ruin your future.
59.腾讯的“正在输入”，给了多少人希望，又给了多少人失望。
59. Tencent’s “Typing…”, has given hope to many, and disappointment to just as many.
60.上联：学生证准考证身份证证证没带下联：听力题阅读题作文题题题不做横批：重在参与。
60. Upper couplet: Student ID, admission ticket, ID card, no card; Lower couplet: Listening questions, reading questions, composition questions, no question; Horizontal scroll: Participation is key.
61.女人分结婚与不结婚两种，男人分自愿结婚与被迫结婚两种。
61. Women can be divided into two categories: married and unmarried; men can be divided into two categories: willingly married and reluctantly married.
62.天苍苍、地茫茫、物价不断长。买的起车，加不起油，公交还挺忙，有车一族终成伤。挣不来钱去买房，美女在上涨，价位不可挡，凭俺的收入，今生无希望，独叹空悲对月流，清风吹落泪两行!
62. The sky is vast, the earth is boundless, and prices keep rising. I can afford a car but can’t afford the gas; public transportation is still busy, and those with cars are eventually hurt. Can’t make money to buy a house, beautiful women are on the rise, prices unstoppable, with my income, no hope in this life, sighing alone in sorrow facing the moon, tears streaming down in the gentle breeze.
63.结婚当然是件好事，上瘾就麻烦了。
63. Marriage is certainly a good thing, but getting addicted to it is troublesome.
64.和你擦肩而过你却不知道是我，因为我把头扭过去了。
64. I passed by you, but you didn’t know it was me, because I turned my head away.
65.即使有人骂我神经病，我也会坚强的抬起头蔑视的对他说“你难道和我一个医院的?
65. Even if someone calls me crazy, I will hold my head high and look down on him, saying, “Are you from the same hospital as me?”
66.戒烟容易，戒你太难!
66. Quitting smoking is easy, but quitting you is too difficult!
67.考试时，本想要咸鱼翻锅的，他奶奶的，没想到粘锅了。
67. During the exam, I wanted to turn the tide, but to my surprise, I got stuck.
68.没有人在世界上能够“弃”你，除非你自己自暴自弃。因为我们是属于自己的，并不属于他人。
68. No one in the world can “abandon” you, unless you give up on yourself. Because we belong to ourselves, not to others.
69.从前有人在我空间里跑堂，不到两秒钟，嘎的一下就死了。
69. Once, someone ran through my space, and in less than two seconds, they suddenly died.
70.大部分人一辈子只做三件事：自欺、欺人被人欺。
70. Most people do three things in their lives: deceive themselves, deceive others, and be deceived.
71.你的年龄有多大，我不关心。我想知道，为了爱，为了梦，为了生机勃勃的奇遇，你是否愿意像傻瓜一样冒险?
71. I don’t care how old you are. I want to know, for love, for dreams, for vibrant adventures, are you willing to take risks like a fool?
72.顾客不是上帝，顾客只是上当。
72. Customers are not God, customers are just being deceived.
73.人间正道是沧桑，活的不要太嚣张。
73. The right path in life is full of twists and turns, don’t live too arrogantly.
74.如果你年轻却不激进，那么你就是个没心的人，如果你老了却不保守，那么你就是个没脑的人。
74. If you are young and not radical, then you are heartless; if you are old and not conservative, then you are brainless.
75.如今这社会，女的照相照胸，男的照相照车谁知道胸是不是挤的，车是不是你的。
75. In today’s society, women take photos of their chests, men take photos of their cars, who knows if the chest is squeezed or if the car is yours.
76.你肺活量是多少啊，能把牛B吹的这么大。
76. How much lung capacity do you have, to blow such a big牛皮 (bragging)?
77.本无意与众不同，怎奈何品味出众。
77. I didn’t intend to be different, but my taste is outstanding.
78.闭上眼睛，我看到了我的前途。
78. Closing my eyes, I see my future.
79.不怕虎一样的敌人，就怕猪一样的队友!
79. Fear not an enemy like a tiger, but a teammate like a pig!
80.出生时你哭着，所有都笑着，离去时你笑着，所有都哭着。
80. When you are born, you cry while everyone else laughs; when you leave, you laugh while everyone else cries.
81.穿别人的鞋，走自己的路，让他们打的找去吧。
81. Wear other people’s shoes and walk your own path, let them find you through taxi.
82.要知道，对售货小姐说“有没有特大号的衣服”时，是一件很丢脸的事情;但是“这里的衣服都太肥了”却可以理直气壮地说出口。
82. You should know that it’s embarrassing to ask the salesgirl, “Do you have extra-large clothes?” But you can confidently say, “The clothes here are all too fat.”
83.连汤加国王都命令全国减肥了。
83. Even the King of Tonga has ordered the whole country to lose weight.
84.遗传学淡定地告诉我们：跨物种恋爱注定是没有好结果的。
84. Genetics calmly tells us: interspecies love is doomed to have no good results.
85.月老啊！您能不要用山寨劣质的红绳给我牵姻缘？隔三差五断啊。
85. Matchmaker, can you not use counterfeit and inferior red ropes to tie my marriage? It breaks every now and then.
86.何文轩曾对李清远说过一句话：你之所以还不是GAY，是因为还没遇到让你心动的男人。
86. He Wenxuan once said to Li Qingyuan: The reason you are not gay is that you haven’t met a man who makes your heart flutter yet.
87.呸！我耳朵都竖起来了，你就给我听这个？”
87. Ptui! I pricked up my ears, and that’s what you let me hear?”
88.我无法拉伸生命的长度，但是我可以拓展生命的宽度。我胖了才显得你瘦，免得我瘦的时候显得你丑。
88. I cannot stretch the length of life, but I can expand the width of life. I am fat to make you look thin, so that when I am thin, I don’t make you look ugly.
89.我的读书生涯仅仅能做的两件事就是看学霸秀成绩，看情侣秀恩爱。
89. The only two things I can do in my school life are to watch the scholars show off their grades and watch couples show off their love.
90.铁杵能磨成针，但木杵只能磨成牙签，材料不对，再努力也没用。
90. An iron pestle can be ground into a needle, but a wooden pestle can only be ground into a toothpick. If the material is wrong, no amount of effort will help.
91.冲动时我真恨不得变成动物，哪怕只是头卖力的牲畜。听凭主人的吩咐，不用感受做人的无助。或者干脆来个移花接木，彻底的做个变性手术。跑到人群中滥竽充数，也好让同胞们多一条可以选择的出路。
91. On impulse, I really wish I could become an animal, even if it’s just a hardworking beast of burden. Obeying the master’s orders without experiencing the helplessness of being human. Or, I could undergo a complete sex change surgery and blend into the crowd, giving my fellow men one more option to choose from.
92.光棍节到了，小鸟恋爱了，蚂蚁同居了，苍蝇怀孕了，蚊子流产了，蝴蝶离婚了，毛毛虫改嫁了，青蛙也生孩子了，你还在等什么呢?
92. Singles’ Day is here. The birds are in love, the ants are cohabiting, the flies are pregnant, the mosquitoes have had miscarriages, the butterflies have divorced, the caterpillars have remarried, and the frogs have had children. What are you waiting for?
93.街上的婚介星罗棋布。我也曾幻想著他们能帮我打开销路。然而最终的结果是让我明白了什么叫认贼作父，并被婚托儿们榨干了我几年的收入。
93. There are numerous marriage agencies on the streets. I once fantasized that they could help me open up new channels. However, the final result made me understand the meaning of “mistaking a thief for a father” and being drained of my income for several years by marriage scammers.
94.众里寻她千百度，踏平脚下路。蓦然回首细环顾，大婶大娘无数。偶有美女光顾，还是有夫之妇，余下大多数，基本不堪入目。
94. After searching for her thousands of times, I tread the path beneath my feet. Suddenly looking back and taking a closer look, there are countless aunts and matrons. Occasionally, a beautiful woman comes by, but she is a married woman. Most of the rest are basically unbearable to look at.
95.有个老太太都在缸里蹲半天了，多点时间让她透透气吧。
95. An old lady has been squatting in the jar for half a day. Give her some more time to catch her breath.
96.唱歌给我听，开心了就让你走。
96. Sing to me, and if it makes me happy, I will let you go.
97.在我尿频的时候你还在嘲笑我。
97. You are still laughing at me when I am experiencing frequent urination.
98.有些事，有些人，有些风景，一旦入眼入心，即便刹那，也是永恒。
98. Some things, some people, some landscapes, once they enter the eye and the heart, even for a moment, they become eternal.
99.逃得了和尚，逃不了方丈。
99. You can run away from a monk, but you can’t escape the abbot.
100.路见不平一声吼，吼完继续往前走。
100. If you see injustice on the road, shout out, and then continue to move forward.
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