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IT was ten o’clock in the evening and the full moon was shining over the garden. —-
In the Shumins’ house an evening service celebrated at the request of the grandmother, Marfa Mihalovna, was just over, and now Nadya—she had gone into the garden for a minute—could see the table being laid for supper in the dining-room, and her grandmother bustling about in her gorgeous silk dress; —-
Father Andrey, a chief priest of the cathedral, was talking to Nadya’s mother, Nina Ivanovna, and now in the evening light through the window her mother for some reason looked very young; —-
Andrey Andreitch, Father Andrey’s son, was standing by listening attentively.
It was still and cool in the garden, and dark peaceful shadows lay on the ground. —-
There was a sound of frogs croaking, far, far away beyond the town. —-
There was a feeling of May, sweet May! One drew deep breaths and longed to fancy that not here but far away under the sky, above the trees, far away in the open country, in the fields and the woods, the life of spring was unfolding now, mysterious, lovely, rich and holy beyond the understanding of weak, sinful man. —-
And for some reason one wanted to cry.
She, Nadya, was already twenty-three. Ever since she was sixteen she had been passionately dreaming of marriage and at last she was engaged to Andrey Andreitch, the young man who was standing on the other side of the window; —-
she liked him, the wedding was already fixed for July 7, and yet there was no joy in her heart, she was sleeping badly, her spirits drooped. —-
. . . She could hear from the open windows of the basement where the kitchen was the hurrying servants, the clatter of knives, the banging of the swing door; —-
there was a smell of roast turkey and pickled cherries, and for some reason it seemed to her that it would be like that all her life, with no change, no end to it.
Some one came out of the house and stood on the steps; —-
it was Alexandr Timofeitch, or, as he was always called, Sasha, who had come from Moscow ten days before and was staying with them. —-
Years ago a distant relation of the grandmother, a gentleman’s widow called Marya Petrovna, a thin, sickly little woman who had sunk into poverty, used to come to the house to ask for assistance. —-
She had a son Sasha. It used for some reason to be said that he had talent as an artist, and when his mother died Nadya’s grandmother had, for the salvation of her soul, sent him to the Komissarovsky school in Moscow; —-
two years later he went into the school of painting, spent nearly fifteen years there, and only just managed to scrape through the leaving examination in the section of architecture. —-
He did not set up as an architect, however, but took a job at a lithographer’s. —-
He used to come almost every year, usually very ill, to stay with Nadya’s grandmother to rest and recover.
He was wearing now a frock-coat buttoned up, and shabby canvas trousers, crumpled into creases at the bottom. —-
And his shirt had not been ironed and he had somehow all over a look of not being fresh. —-
He was very thin, with big eyes, long thin fingers and a swarthy bearded face, and all the same he was handsome. —-
With the Shumins he was like one of the family, and in their house felt he was at home. —-
And the room in which he lived when he was there had for years been called Sasha’s room. —-
Standing on the steps he saw Nadya, and went up to her.
“It’s nice here,” he said.
“Of course it’s nice, you ought to stay here till the autumn.”
“Yes, I expect it will come to that. I dare say I shall stay with you till September.”
He laughed for no reason, and sat down beside her.
“I’m sitting gazing at mother,” said Nadya. “She looks so young from here! —-
My mother has her weaknesses, of course,” she added, after a pause, “but still she is an exceptional woman.”
“Yes, she is very nice . . .” Sasha agreed. —-
“Your mother, in her own way of course, is a very good and sweet woman, but . . . —-
how shall I say? I went early this morning into your kitchen and there I found four servants sleeping on the floor, no bedsteads, and rags for bedding, stench, bugs, beetles . —-
. . it is just as it was twenty years ago, no change at all. —-
Well, Granny, God bless her, what else can you expect of Granny? —-
But your mother speaks French, you know, and acts in private theatricals. —-
One would think she might understand.”
As Sasha talked, he used to stretch out two long wasted fingers before the listener’s face.
“It all seems somehow strange to me here, now I am out of the habit of it,” he went on. —-
“There is no making it out. Nobody ever does anything. —-
Your mother spends the whole day walking about like a duchess, Granny does nothing either, nor you either. —-
And your Andrey Andreitch never does anything either.”
Nadya had heard this the year before and, she fancied, the year before that too, and she knew that Sasha could not make any other criticism, and in old days this had amused her, but now for some reason she felt annoyed.
“That’s all stale, and I have been sick of it for ages,” she said and got up. —-
“You should think of something a little newer.”
He laughed and got up too, and they went together toward the house. —-
She, tall, handsome, and well-made, beside him looked very healthy and smartly dressed; —-
she was conscious of this and felt sorry for him and for some reason awkward.
“And you say a great deal you should not,” she said. —-
“You’ve just been talking about my Andrey, but you see you don’t know him.”
“My Andrey. . . . Bother him, your Andrey. I am sorry for your youth.”
They were already sitting down to supper as the young people went into the dining-room. —-
The grandmother, or Granny as she was called in the household, a very stout, plain old lady with bushy eyebrows and a little moustache, was talking loudly, and from her voice and manner of speaking it could be seen that she was the person of most importance in the house. —-
She owned rows of shops in the market, and the old-fashioned house with columns and the garden, yet she prayed every morning that God might save her from ruin and shed tears as she did so. —-
Her daughter-in- law, Nadya’s mother, Nina Ivanovna, a fair-haired woman tightly laced in, with a pince-nez, and diamonds on every finger, Father Andrey, a lean, toothless old man whose face always looked as though he were just going to say something amusing, and his son, Andrey Andreitch, a stout and handsome young man with curly hair looking like an artist or an actor, were all talking of hypnotism.
“You will get well in a week here,” said Granny, addressing Sasha. “Only you must eat more. —-
What do you look like!” she sighed. “You are really dreadful! —-
You are a regular prodigal son, that is what you are.”
“After wasting his father’s substance in riotous living,” said Father Andrey slowly, with laughing eyes. —-
“He fed with senseless beasts.”
“I like my dad,” said Andrey Andreitch, touching his father on the shoulder. —-
“He is a splendid old fellow, a dear old fellow.”
Everyone was silent for a space. Sasha suddenly burst out laughing and put his dinner napkin to his mouth.
“So you believe in hypnotism?” said Father Andrey to Nina Ivanovna.
“I cannot, of course, assert that I believe,” answered Nina Ivanovna, assuming a very serious, even severe, expression; —-
“but I must own that there is much that is mysterious and incomprehensible in nature.”
“I quite agree with you, though I must add that religion distinctly curtails for us the domain of the mysterious.”
A big and very fat turkey was served. Father Andrey and Nina Ivanovna went on with their conversation. —-
Nina Ivanovna’s diamonds glittered on her fingers, then tears began to glitter in her eyes, she grew excited.
“Though I cannot venture to argue with you,” she said, “you must admit there are so many insoluble riddles in life!”
“Not one, I assure you.”
After supper Andrey Andreitch played the fiddle and Nina Ivanovna accompanied him on the piano. —-
Ten years before he had taken his degree at the university in the Faculty of Arts, but had never held any post, had no definite work, and only from time to time took part in concerts for charitable objects; —-
and in the town he was regarded as a musician.
Andrey Andreitch played; they all listened in silence. —-
The samovar was boiling quietly on the table and no one but Sasha was drinking tea. —-
Then when it struck twelve a violin string suddenly broke; —-
everyone laughed, bustled about, and began saying good-bye.
After seeing her fiancé out, Nadya went upstairs where she and her mother had their rooms (the lower storey was occupied by the grandmother). —-
They began putting the lights out below in the dining- room, while Sasha still sat on drinking tea. —-
He always spent a long time over tea in the Moscow style, drinking as much as seven glasses at a time. —-
For a long time after Nadya had undressed and gone to bed she could hear the servants clearing away downstairs and Granny talking angrily. —-
At last everything was hushed, and nothing could be heard but Sasha from time to time coughing on a bass note in his room below.
II
When Nadya woke up it must have been two o’clock, it was beginning to get light. —-
A watchman was tapping somewhere far away. —-
She was not sleepy, and her bed felt very soft and uncomfortable. —-
Nadya sat up in her bed and fell to thinking as she had done every night in May. Her thoughts were the same as they had been the night before, useless, persistent thoughts, always alike, of how Andrey Andreitch had begun courting her and had made her an offer, how she had accepted him and then little by little had come to appreciate the kindly, intelligent man. —-
But for some reason now when there was hardly a month left before the wedding, she began to feel dread and uneasiness as though something vague and oppressive were before her.
“Tick-tock, tick-tock . . .” the watchman tapped lazily. “. . . Tick- tock.”
Through the big old-fashioned window she could see the garden and at a little distance bushes of lilac in full flower, drowsy and lifeless from the cold; —-
and the thick white mist was floating softly up to the lilac, trying to cover it. —-
Drowsy rooks were cawing in the far-away trees.
“My God, why is my heart so heavy?”
Perhaps every girl felt the same before her wedding. There was no knowing! —-
Or was it Sasha’s influence? But for several years past Sasha had been repeating the same thing, like a copybook, and when he talked he seemed naïve and queer. —-
But why was it she could not get Sasha out of her head? Why was it?
The watchman left off tapping for a long while. —-
The birds were twittering under the windows and the mist had disappeared from the garden. —-
Everything was lighted up by the spring sunshine as by a smile. —-
Soon the whole garden, warm and caressed by the sun, returned to life, and dewdrops like diamonds glittered on the leaves and the old neglected garden on that morning looked young and gaily decked.
Granny was already awake. Sasha’s husky cough began. —-
Nadya could hear them below, setting the samovar and moving the chairs. —-
The hours passed slowly, Nadya had been up and walking about the garden for a long while and still the morning dragged on.
At last Nina Ivanovna appeared with a tear-stained face, carrying a glass of mineral water. —-
She was interested in spiritualism and homeopathy, read a great deal, was fond of talking of the doubts to which she was subject, and to Nadya it seemed as though there were a deep mysterious significance in all that.
Now Nadya kissed her mother and walked beside her.
“What have you been crying about, mother?” she asked.
“Last night I was reading a story in which there is an old man and his daughter. —-
The old man is in some office and his chief falls in love with his daughter. —-
I have not finished it, but there was a passage which made it hard to keep from tears,” said Nina Ivanovna and she sipped at her glass. —-
“I thought of it this morning and shed tears again.”
“I have been so depressed all these days,” said Nadya after a pause. —-
“Why is it I don’t sleep at night!”
“I don’t know, dear. When I can’t sleep I shut my eyes very tightly, like this, and picture to myself Anna Karenin moving about and talking, or something historical from the ancient world. . . .”
Nadya felt that her mother did not understand her and was incapable of understanding. —-
She felt this for the first time in her life, and it positively frightened her and made her want to hide herself; —-
and she went away to her own room.
At two o’clock they sat down to dinner. —-
It was Wednesday, a fast day, and so vegetable soup and bream with boiled grain were set before Granny.
To tease Granny Sasha ate his meat soup as well as the vegetable soup. —-
He was making jokes all through dinner-time, but his jests were laboured and invariably with a moral bearing, and the effect was not at all amusing when before making some witty remark he raised his very long, thin, deathly-looking fingers; —-
and when one remembered that he was very ill and would probably not be much longer in this world, one felt sorry for him and ready to weep.
After dinner Granny went off to her own room to lie down. —-
Nina Ivanovna played on the piano for a little, and then she too went away.
“Oh, dear Nadya!” Sasha began his usual afternoon conversation, “if only you would listen to me! —-
If only you would!”
She was sitting far back in an old-fashioned armchair, with her eyes shut, while he paced slowly about the room from corner to corner.
“If only you would go to the university,” he said. —-
“Only enlightened and holy people are interesting, it’s only they who are wanted. —-
The more of such people there are, the sooner the Kingdom of God will come on earth. —-
Of your town then not one stone will be left, everything will be blown up from the foundations, everything will be changed as though by magic. —-
And then there will be immense, magnificent houses here, wonderful gardens, marvellous fountains, remarkable people. —-
. . . But that’s not what matters most. —-
What matters most is that the crowd, in our sense of the word, in the sense in which it exists now—that evil will not exist then, because every man will believe and every man will know what he is living for and no one will seek moral support in the crowd. —-
Dear Nadya, darling girl, go away! Show them all that you are sick of this stagnant, grey, sinful life. —-
Prove it to yourself at least!”
“I can’t, Sasha, I’m going to be married.”
“Oh nonsense! What’s it for!”
They went out into the garden and walked up and down a little.
“And however that may be, my dear girl, you must think, you must realize how unclean, how immoral this idle life of yours is,” Sasha went on. —-
“Do understand that if, for instance, you and your mother and your grandmother do nothing, it means that someone else is working for you, you are eating up someone else’s life, and is that clean, isn’t it filthy?”
Nadya wanted to say “Yes, that is true”; —-
she wanted to say that she understood, but tears came into her eyes, her spirits drooped, and shrinking into herself she went off to her room.
Towards evening Andrey Andreitch arrived and as usual played the fiddle for a long time. —-
He was not given to much talk as a rule, and was fond of the fiddle, perhaps because one could be silent while playing. —-
At eleven o’clock when he was about to go home and had put on his greatcoat, he embraced Nadya and began greedily kissing her face, her shoulders, and her hands.
“My dear, my sweet, my charmer,” he muttered. —-
“Oh how happy I am! I am beside myself with rapture!”
And it seemed to her as though she had heard that long, long ago, or had read it somewhere . . . —-
in some old tattered novel thrown away long ago. —-
In the dining-room Sasha was sitting at the table drinking tea with the saucer poised on his five long fingers; —-
Granny was laying out patience; Nina Ivanovna was reading. —-
The flame crackled in the ikon lamp and everything, it seemed, was quiet and going well. —-
Nadya said good-night, went upstairs to her room, got into bed and fell asleep at once. —-
But just as on the night before, almost before it was light, she woke up. —-
She was not sleepy, there was an uneasy, oppressive feeling in her heart. —-
She sat up with her head on her knees and thought of her fiancé and her marriage. . . . —-
She for some reason remembered that her mother had not loved her father and now had nothing and lived in complete dependence on her mother-in-law, Granny. —-
And however much Nadya pondered she could not imagine why she had hitherto seen in her mother something special and exceptional, how it was she had not noticed that she was a simple, ordinary, unhappy woman.
And Sasha downstairs was not asleep, she could hear him coughing. —-
He is a queer, naïve man, thought Nadya, and in all his dreams, in all those marvellous gardens and wonderful fountains one felt there was something absurd. —-
But for some reason in his naïveté, in this very absurdity there was something so beautiful that as soon as she thought of the possibility of going to the university, it sent a cold thrill through her heart and her bosom and flooded them with joy and rapture.
“But better not think, better not think . . .” she whispered. “I must not think of it.”
“Tick-tock,” tapped the watchman somewhere far away. “Tick-tock . . . tick-tock. . . .”
III
In the middle of June Sasha suddenly felt bored and made up his mind to return to Moscow.
“I can’t exist in this town,” he said gloomily. “No water supply, no drains! —-
It disgusts me to eat at dinner; the filth in the kitchen is incredible. . . .”
“Wait a little, prodigal son!” Granny tried to persuade him, speaking for some reason in a whisper, “the wedding is to be on the seventh.”
“I don’t want to.”
“You meant to stay with us until September!”
“But now, you see, I don’t want to. I must get to work.”
The summer was grey and cold, the trees were wet, everything in the garden looked dejected and uninviting, it certainly did make one long to get to work. —-
The sound of unfamiliar women’s voices was heard downstairs and upstairs, there was the rattle of a sewing machine in Granny’s room, they were working hard at the trousseau. —-
Of fur coats alone, six were provided for Nadya, and the cheapest of them, in Granny’s words, had cost three hundred roubles! —-
The fuss irritated Sasha; he stayed in his own room and was cross, but everyone persuaded him to remain, and he promised not to go before the first of July.
Time passed quickly. On St. Peter’s day Andrey Andreitch went with Nadya after dinner to Moscow Street to look once more at the house which had been taken and made ready for the young couple some time before. —-
It was a house of two storeys, but so far only the upper floor had been furnished. —-
There was in the hall a shining floor painted and parqueted, there were Viennese chairs, a piano, a violin stand; —-
there was a smell of paint. On the wall hung a big oil painting in a gold frame—a naked lady and beside her a purple vase with a broken handle.
“An exquisite picture,” said Andrey Andreitch, and he gave a respectful sigh. —-
“It’s the work of the artist Shismatchevsky.”
Then there was the drawing-room with the round table, and a sofa and easy chairs upholstered in bright blue. —-
Above the sofa was a big photograph of Father Andrey wearing a priest’s velvet cap and decorations. —-
Then they went into the dining-room in which there was a sideboard; then into the bedroom; —-
here in the half dusk stood two bedsteads side by side, and it looked as though the bedroom had been decorated with the idea that it would always be very agreeable there and could not possibly be anything else. —-
Andrey Andreitch led Nadya about the rooms, all the while keeping his arm round her waist; —-
and she felt weak and conscience-stricken. She hated all the rooms, the beds, the easy chairs; —-
she was nauseated by the naked lady. It was clear to her now that she had ceased to love Andrey Andreitch or perhaps had never loved him at all; —-
but how to say this and to whom to say it and with what object she did not understand, and could not understand, though she was thinking about it all day and all night. —-
. . . He held her round the waist, talked so affectionately, so modestly, was so happy, walking about this house of his; —-
while she saw nothing in it all but vulgarity, stupid, naïve, unbearable vulgarity, and his arm round her waist felt as hard and cold as an iron hoop. —-
And every minute she was on the point of running away, bursting into sobs, throwing herself out of a window. —-
Andrey Andreitch led her into the bathroom and here he touched a tap fixed in the wall and at once water flowed.
“What do you say to that?” he said, and laughed. —-
“I had a tank holding two hundred gallons put in the loft, and so now we shall have water.”
They walked across the yard and went out into the street and took a cab. —-
Thick clouds of dust were blowing, and it seemed as though it were just going to rain.
“You are not cold?” said Andrey Andreitch, screwing up his eyes at the dust.
She did not answer.
“Yesterday, you remember, Sasha blamed me for doing nothing,” he said, after a brief silence. —-
“Well, he is right, absolutely right! I do nothing and can do nothing. My precious, why is it? —-
Why is it that the very thought that I may some day fix a cockade on my cap and go into the government service is so hateful to me? —-
Why do I feel so uncomfortable when I see a lawyer or a Latin master or a member of the Zemstvo? —-
O Mother Russia! O Mother Russia! What a burden of idle and useless people you still carry! —-
How many like me are upon you, long-suffering Mother!”
And from the fact that he did nothing he drew generalizations, seeing in it a sign of the times.
“When we are married let us go together into the country, my precious; there we will work! —-
We will buy ourselves a little piece of land with a garden and a river, we will labour and watch life. —-
Oh, how splendid that will be!”
He took off his hat, and his hair floated in the wind, while she listened to him and thought: —-
“Good God, I wish I were home!”
When they were quite near the house they overtook Father Andrey.
“Ah, here’s father coming,” cried Andrey Andreitch, delighted, and he waved his hat. —-
“I love my dad really,” he said as he paid the cabman. —-
“He’s a splendid old fellow, a dear old fellow.”
Nadya went into the house, feeling cross and unwell, thinking that there would be visitors all the evening, that she would have to entertain them, to smile, to listen to the fiddle, to listen to all sorts of nonsense, and to talk of nothing but the wedding.
Granny, dignified, gorgeous in her silk dress, and haughty as she always seemed before visitors, was sitting before the samovar. —-
Father Andrey came in with his sly smile.
“I have the pleasure and blessed consolation of seeing you in health,” he said to Granny, and it was hard to tell whether he was joking or speaking seriously.
IV
The wind was beating on the window and on the roof; —-
there was a whistling sound, and in the stove the house spirit was plaintively and sullenly droning his song. —-
It was past midnight; everyone in the house had gone to bed, but no one was asleep, and it seemed all the while to Nadya as though they were playing the fiddle below. —-
There was a sharp bang; a shutter must have been torn off. —-
A minute later Nina Ivanovna came in in her nightgown, with a candle.
“What was the bang, Nadya?” she asked.
Her mother, with her hair in a single plait and a timid smile on her face, looked older, plainer, smaller on that stormy night. —-
Nadya remembered that quite a little time ago she had thought her mother an exceptional woman and had listened with pride to the things she said; —-
and now she could not remember those things, everything that came into her mind was so feeble and useless.
In the stove was the sound of several bass voices in chorus, and she even heard “O-o-o my G-o-od! —-
” Nadya sat on her bed, and suddenly she clutched at her hair and burst into sobs.
“Mother, mother, my own,” she said. “If only you knew what is happening to me! I beg you, I beseech you, let me go away! I beseech you!”
“Where?” asked Nina Ivanovna, not understanding, and she sat down on the bedstead. “Go where?”
For a long while Nadya cried and could not utter a word.
“Let me go away from the town,” she said at last. —-
“There must not and will not be a wedding, understand that! —-
I don’t love that man . . . I can’t even speak about him.”
“No, my own, no!” Nina Ivanovna said quickly, terribly alarmed. —-
“Calm yourself—it’s just because you are in low spirits. It will pass, it often happens. —-
Most likely you have had a tiff with Andrey; —-
but lovers’ quarrels always end in kisses!”
“Oh, go away, mother, oh, go away,” sobbed Nadya.
“Yes,” said Nina Ivanovna after a pause, “it’s not long since you were a baby, a little girl, and now you are engaged to be married. —-
In nature there is a continual transmutation of substances. —-
Before you know where you are you will be a mother yourself and an old woman, and will have as rebellious a daughter as I have.”
“My darling, my sweet, you are clever you know, you are unhappy,” said Nadya. “You are very unhappy; —-
why do you say such very dull, commonplace things? For God’s sake, why?”
Nina Ivanovna tried to say something, but could not utter a word; —-
she gave a sob and went away to her own room. —-
The bass voices began droning in the stove again, and Nadya felt suddenly frightened. —-
She jumped out of bed and went quickly to her mother. —-
Nina Ivanovna, with tear-stained face, was lying in bed wrapped in a pale blue quilt and holding a book in her hands.
“Mother, listen to me!” said Nadya. “I implore you, do understand! —-
If you would only understand how petty and degrading our life is. —-
My eyes have been opened, and I see it all now. And what is your Andrey Andreitch? —-
Why, he is not intelligent, mother! Merciful heavens, do understand, mother, he is stupid!”
Nina Ivanovna abruptly sat up.
“You and your grandmother torment me,” she said with a sob. “I want to live! —-
to live,” she repeated, and twice she beat her little fist upon her bosom. “Let me be free! —-
I am still young, I want to live, and you have made me an old woman between you!”
She broke into bitter tears, lay down and curled up under the quilt, and looked so small, so pitiful, so foolish. —-
Nadya went to her room, dressed, and sitting at the window fell to waiting for the morning. —-
She sat all night thinking, while someone seemed to be tapping on the shutters and whistling in the yard.
In the morning Granny complained that the wind had blown down all the apples in the garden, and broken down an old plum tree. —-
It was grey, murky, cheerless, dark enough for candles; —-
everyone complained of the cold, and the rain lashed on the windows. —-
After tea Nadya went into Sasha’s room and without saying a word knelt down before an armchair in the corner and hid her face in her hands.
“What is it?” asked Sasha.
“I can’t . . .” she said. “How I could go on living here before, I can’t understand, I can’t conceive! —-
I despise the man I am engaged to, I despise myself, I despise all this idle, senseless existence.”
“Well, well,” said Sasha, not yet grasping what was meant. —-
“That’s all right . . . that’s good.”
“I am sick of this life,” Nadya went on. “I can’t endure another day here. —-
To-morrow I am going away. Take me with you for God’s sake!”
For a minute Sasha looked at her in astonishment; —-
at last he understood and was delighted as a child. —-
He waved his arms and began pattering with his slippers as though he were dancing with delight.
“Splendid,” he said, rubbing his hands. “My goodness, how fine that is!”
And she stared at him without blinking, with adoring eyes, as though spellbound, expecting every minute that he would say something important, something infinitely significant; —-
he had told her nothing yet, but already it seemed to her that something new and great was opening before her which she had not known till then, and already she gazed at him full of expectation, ready to face anything, even death.
“I am going to-morrow,” he said after a moment’s thought. —-
“You come to the station to see me off. . . . —-
I’ll take your things in my portmanteau, and I’ll get your ticket, and when the third bell rings you get into the carriage, and we’ll go off. —-
You’ll see me as far as Moscow and then go on to Petersburg alone. —-
Have you a passport?”
“Yes.”
“I can promise you, you won’t regret it,” said Sasha, with conviction. —-
“You will go, you will study, and then go where fate takes you. —-
When you turn your life upside down everything will be changed. —-
The great thing is to turn your life upside down, and all the rest is unimportant. —-
And so we will set off to-morrow?”
“Oh yes, for God’s sake!”
It seemed to Nadya that she was very much excited, that her heart was heavier than ever before, that she would spend all the time till she went away in misery and agonizing thought; —-
but she had hardly gone upstairs and lain down on her bed when she fell asleep at once, with traces of tears and a smile on her face, and slept soundly till evening.
V
A cab had been sent for. Nadya in her hat and overcoat went upstairs to take one more look at her mother, at all her belongings. —-
She stood in her own room beside her still warm bed, looked about her, then went slowly in to her mother. —-
Nina Ivanovna was asleep; it was quite still in her room. —-
Nadya kissed her mother, smoothed her hair, stood still for a couple of minutes . —-
. . then walked slowly downstairs.
It was raining heavily. The cabman with the hood pulled down was standing at the entrance, drenched with rain.
“There is not room for you, Nadya,” said Granny, as the servants began putting in the luggage. —-
“What an idea to see him off in such weather! —-
You had better stop at home. Goodness, how it rains!”
Nadya tried to say something, but could not. —-
Then Sasha helped Nadya in and covered her feet with a rug. —-
Then he sat down beside her.
“Good luck to you! God bless you!” Granny cried from the steps. —-
“Mind you write to us from Moscow, Sasha!”
“Right. Good-bye, Granny.”
“The Queen of Heaven keep you!”
“Oh, what weather!” said Sasha.
It was only now that Nadya began to cry. —-
Now it was clear to her that she certainly was going, which she had not really believed when she was saying good-bye to Granny, and when she was looking at her mother. —-
Good- bye, town! And she suddenly thought of it all: —-
Andrey, and his father and the new house and the naked lady with the vase; —-
and it all no longer frightened her, nor weighed upon her, but was naïve and trivial and continually retreated further away. —-
And when they got into the railway carriage and the train began to move, all that past which had been so big and serious shrank up into something tiny, and a vast wide future which till then had scarcely been noticed began unfolding before her. —-
The rain pattered on the carriage windows, nothing could be seen but the green fields, telegraph posts with birds sitting on the wires flitted by, and joy made her hold her breath; —-
she thought that she was going to freedom, going to study, and this was just like what used, ages ago, to be called going off to be a free Cossack.
She laughed and cried and prayed all at once.
“It’s a-all right,” said Sasha, smiling. “It’s a-all right.”
VI
Autumn had passed and winter, too, had gone. —-
Nadya had begun to be very homesick and thought every day of her mother and her grandmother; —-
she thought of Sasha too. The letters that came from home were kind and gentle, and it seemed as though everything by now were forgiven and forgotten. —-
In May after the examinations she set off for home in good health and high spirits, and stopped on the way at Moscow to see Sasha. He was just the same as the year before, with the same beard and unkempt hair, with the same large beautiful eyes, and he still wore the same coat and canvas trousers; —-
but he looked unwell and worried, he seemed both older and thinner, and kept coughing, and for some reason he struck Nadya as grey and provincial.
“My God, Nadya has come!” he said, and laughed gaily. “My darling girl!”
They sat in the printing room, which was full of tobacco smoke, and smelt strongly, stiflingly of Indian ink and paint; —-
then they went to his room, which also smelt of tobacco and was full of the traces of spitting; —-
near a cold samovar stood a broken plate with dark paper on it, and there were masses of dead flies on the table and on the floor. —-
And everything showed that Sasha ordered his personal life in a slovenly way and lived anyhow, with utter contempt for comfort, and if anyone began talking to him of his personal happiness, of his personal life, of affection for him, he would not have understood and would have only laughed.
“It is all right, everything has gone well,” said Nadya hurriedly. —-
“Mother came to see me in Petersburg in the autumn; —-
she said that Granny is not angry, and only keeps going into my room and making the sign of the cross over the walls.”
Sasha looked cheerful, but he kept coughing, and talked in a cracked voice, and Nadya kept looking at him, unable to decide whether he really were seriously ill or whether it were only her fancy.
“Dear Sasha,” she said, “you are ill.”
“No, it’s nothing, I am ill, but not very . . .”
“Oh, dear!” cried Nadya, in agitation. “Why don’t you go to a doctor? —-
Why don’t you take care of your health? —-
My dear, darling Sasha,” she said, and tears gushed from her eyes and for some reason there rose before her imagination Andrey Andreitch and the naked lady with the vase, and all her past which seemed now as far away as her childhood; —-
and she began crying because Sasha no longer seemed to her so novel, so cultured, and so interesting as the year before. —-
“Dear Sasha, you are very, very ill . . . I would do anything to make you not so pale and thin. —-
I am so indebted to you! You can’t imagine how much you have done for me, my good Sasha! —-
In reality you are now the person nearest and dearest to me.”
They sat on and talked, and now, after Nadya had spent a winter in Petersburg, Sasha, his works, his smile, his whole figure had for her a suggestion of something out of date, old-fashioned, done with long ago and perhaps already dead and buried.
“I am going down the Volga the day after tomorrow,” said Sasha, “and then to drink koumiss. —-
I mean to drink koumiss. A friend and his wife are going with me. His wife is a wonderful woman; —-
I am always at her, trying to persuade her to go to the university. —-
I want her to turn her life upside down.”
After having talked they drove to the station. Sasha got her tea and apples; —-
and when the train began moving and he waved his handkerchief at her, smiling, it could be seen even from his legs that he was very ill and would not live long.
Nadya reached her native town at midday. —-
As she drove home from the station the streets struck her as very wide and the houses very small and squat; —-
there were no people about, she met no one but the German piano-tuner in a rusty greatcoat. —-
And all the houses looked as though they were covered with dust. —-
Granny, who seemed to have grown quite old, but was as fat and plain as ever, flung her arms round Nadya and cried for a long time with her face on Nadya’s shoulder, unable to tear herself away. —-
Nina Ivanovna looked much older and plainer and seemed shrivelled up, but was still tightly laced, and still had diamonds flashing on her fingers.
“My darling,” she said, trembling all over, “my darling!”
Then they sat down and cried without speaking. —-
It was evident that both mother and grandmother realized that the past was lost and gone, never to return; —-
they had now no position in society, no prestige as before, no right to invite visitors; —-
so it is when in the midst of an easy careless life the police suddenly burst in at night and made a search, and it turns out that the head of the family has embezzled money or committed forgery—and goodbye then to the easy careless life for ever!
Nadya went upstairs and saw the same bed, the same windows with naïve white curtains, and outside the windows the same garden, gay and noisy, bathed in sunshine. —-
She touched the table, sat down and sank into thought. —-
And she had a good dinner and drank tea with delicious rich cream; —-
but something was missing, there was a sense of emptiness in the rooms and the ceilings were so low. In the evening she went to bed, covered herself up and for some reason it seemed to her to be funny lying in this snug, very soft bed.
Nina Ivanovna came in for a minute; she sat down as people who feel guilty sit down, timidly, and looking about her.
“Well, tell me, Nadya,” she enquired after a brief pause, “are you contented? —-
Quite contented?”
“Yes, mother.”
Nina Ivanovna got up, made the sign of the cross over Nadya and the windows.
“I have become religious, as you see,” she said. —-
“You know I am studying philosophy now, and I am always thinking and thinking. . . . —-
And many things have become as clear as daylight to me. —-
It seems to me that what is above all necessary is that life should pass as it were through a prism.”
“Tell me, mother, how is Granny in health?”
“She seems all right. When you went away that time with Sasha and the telegram came from you, Granny fell on the floor as she read it; —-
for three days she lay without moving. After that she was always praying and crying. —-
But now she is all right again.”
She got up and walked about the room.
“Tick-tock,” tapped the watchman. “Tick-tock, tick-tock. . . .”
“What is above all necessary is that life should pass as it were through a prism,” she said; —-
“in other words, that life in consciousness should be analyzed into its simplest elements as into the seven primary colours, and each element must be studied separately.”
What Nina Ivanovna said further and when she went away, Nadya did not hear, as she quickly fell asleep.
May passed; June came. Nadya had grown used to being at home. —-
Granny busied herself about the samovar, heaving deep sighs. —-
Nina Ivanovna talked in the evenings about her philosophy; —-
she still lived in the house like a poor relation, and had to go to Granny for every farthing. —-
There were lots of flies in the house, and the ceilings seemed to become lower and lower. —-
Granny and Nina Ivanovna did not go out in the streets for fear of meeting Father Andrey and Andrey Andreitch. —-
Nadya walked about the garden and the streets, looked at the grey fences, and it seemed to her that everything in the town had grown old, was out of date and was only waiting either for the end, or for the beginning of something young and fresh. —-
Oh, if only that new, bright life would come more quickly—that life in which one will be able to face one’s fate boldly and directly, to know that one is right, to be light-hearted and free! —-
And sooner or later such a life will come. —-
The time will come when of Granny’s house, where things are so arranged that the four servants can only live in one room in filth in the basement—the time will come when of that house not a trace will remain, and it will be forgotten, no one will remember it. —-
And Nadya’s only entertainment was from the boys next door; —-
when she walked about the garden they knocked on the fence and shouted in mockery: —-
“Betrothed! Betrothed!”
A letter from Sasha arrived from Saratov. —-
In his gay dancing handwriting he told them that his journey on the Volga had been a complete success, but that he had been taken rather ill in Saratov, had lost his voice, and had been for the last fortnight in the hospital. —-
She knew what that meant, and she was overwhelmed with a foreboding that was like a conviction. —-
And it vexed her that this foreboding and the thought of Sasha did not distress her so much as before. —-
She had a passionate desire for life, longed to be in Petersburg, and her friendship with Sasha seemed now sweet but something far, far away! —-
She did not sleep all night, and in the morning sat at the window, listening. —-
And she did in fact hear voices below; Granny, greatly agitated, was asking questions rapidly. —-
Then some one began crying. . . . When Nadya went downstairs Granny was standing in the corner, praying before the ikon and her face was tearful. —-
A telegram lay on the table.
For some time Nadya walked up and down the room, listening to Granny’s weeping; —-
then she picked up the telegram and read it.
It announced that the previous morning Alexandr Timofeitch, or more simply, Sasha, had died at Saratov of consumption.
Granny and Nina Ivanovna went to the church to order a memorial service, while Nadya went on walking about the rooms and thinking. —-
She recognized clearly that her life had been turned upside down as Sasha wished; —-
that here she was, alien, isolated, useless and that everything here was useless to her; —-
that all the past had been torn away from her and vanished as though it had been burnt up and the ashes scattered to the winds. —-
She went into Sasha’s room and stood there for a while.
“Good-bye, dear Sasha,” she thought, and before her mind rose the vista of a new, wide, spacious life, and that life, still obscure and full of mysteries, beckoned her and attracted her.
She went upstairs to her own room to pack, and next morning said good- bye to her family, and full of life and high spirits left the town—as she supposed for ever.
