1.我有三句话想跟你说，包括下面这一句，谢谢我讲完了。
1. I have three things I want to tell you, including this one. Thank you, I’m done.
2.我好想你哟，什么时候才能见到你？你想得我晚上都睡不着，辗转反侧，难以入眠，夜不能寐。借我的钱该还了吧？
2. I miss you so much, when can I see you? I think of you so much that I can’t sleep at night, tossing and turning, unable to fall asleep, sleepless nights. It’s time to return the money you borrowed, right?
3.你有一颗善良的心，你会大公无私地帮助这个世界上每一个需要帮助的人，大家都说你是天上降临人间专门帮助别人的天使，可惜的是，脸先着地了！
3. You have a kind heart, and you selflessly help everyone in the world who needs help. Everyone says you are an angel sent from heaven to help others, but unfortunately, you fell face-first!
4.你以为你躲起来，我就找不到你了吗？没用的，不管在什么地方，你身上总有一种吸引别人注意的气场，你也不是不知道，这么久不洗澡，那味儿会很大的！
4. Do you think you can hide from me? It’s useless. No matter where you are, you always have an aura that attracts people’s attention. You know it too, not taking a bath for so long, that smell will be strong!
5.你一直想穿越回到古代当皇上，终于有一个高人施法术帮你穿越回去了，你那个高兴啊，你拿镜子一照，妈啊，高人法术太厉害了吧，回到人猿时代了！
5. You always wanted to go back in time to be an emperor, and finally, a master cast a spell to help you go back. You were so happy, but when you looked in the mirror, oh my, the master’s spell was too powerful! You went back to the Age of Apes!
6.怎么搞的?拨你的手机，语音提示说：您拨打的是外地小懒猪，请在所拨打的号码前加拨猪圈区号。真不敢相信，再拨打一遍，语音提示：机主已被屠宰。
6. What’s going on? I called your phone, and the voice message said: “The number you dialed is for an out-of-town little lazy pig, please dial the pigpen area code before the number.” I can’t believe it, I called again, and the voice message said: “The owner of the phone has been slaughtered.”
7.我能想到最浪漫的事，就是看你慢慢地变胖。那样我就有猪肉吃咯。哦耶!
7. The most romantic thing I can think of is watching you slowly gain weight. That way, I’ll have pork to eat. Oh yeah!
8.听说吃大蒜可以预防甲流，觉得很有道理，你想呀：吃了大蒜，别人嫌你有味儿，不愿接近你，甲流病毒也就近不了身了!哈哈，出门前别忘了含两瓣大蒜哦!
8. I heard that eating garlic can prevent H1N1 flu, and it makes sense. You think about it: after eating garlic, people don’t want to get close to you because of the smell, and the H1N1 virus can’t get near you either! Haha, don’t forget to chew two cloves of garlic before going out!
9.遇到你是我心动的开始，爱上你是我幸福的选择;追求你是我走向幸福的起点;拥有你是我最珍贵的财富;踏入红毯是我永恒的动力!遗憾的是我发错人了!
9. Meeting you was the beginning of my heartbeat, falling in love with you was my happy choice; pursuing you was the start of my journey to happiness; having you is my most precious treasure; stepping onto the red carpet is my eternal motivation! Unfortunately, I sent this message to the wrong person!
10.千万别动!静静的看着这条短信!看看上面，看看下面，别忘了左边和右边!看完了吗?看完就删除吧!
10. Don’t move! Quietly read this message! Look at the top, the bottom, and don’t forget the left and right sides! Finished reading? Delete it then!
11.千万次地问自己，为何最近总想你，牵肠挂肚惦记你，梦中影像总是你，发条信息也为你，不好意思提醒你，鼓足勇气问问你：啥时候请我吃饭呀？
11. I’ve asked myself a thousand times, why do I always think of you lately, care about you deeply, always see you in my dreams, and send messages for you? I’m sorry to remind you, I muster up the courage to ask you: when will you treat me to a meal?
12.新年到了，有四个字要对你说，虽然有一点不好意思，但这不是害羞的时候，不说出来，我会后悔莫及，所以我很真心地对你说，红包拿来！
12. The New Year is here, and there are four words I want to tell you. Although it’s a bit embarrassing, this is not the time to be shy. If I don’t say it, I’ll regret it, so I sincerely say to you, give me the red envelope!
13.饿的时候不吃!我做到了;困的时候不睡!我也做到了;冷的时候不加衣，我又做到了。我这么强的一个人，可惜啊，想你的时候，不告诉你，我没做到。
13. When I’m hungry, I don’t eat! I’ve done it; when I’m sleepy, I don’t sleep! I’ve done that too; when I’m cold, I don’t add clothes, and I’ve done that as well. I’m such a strong person, but when I think of you, I haven’t been able to tell you.
14.真希望和你一起去看海，却一直没有去；真希望和你去登山，却因茫然而没有去；真希望和你一起去流浪，结果碰到了警察，说：逛街不许带狗！
14. I really hope to go see the sea with you, but we never went; I really hope to go hiking with you, but we didn’t go because of confusion; I really hope to wander with you, but we ended up encountering the police, who said: “No dogs allowed when shopping!”
15.我要告诉你一件事哟，你千万不要告诉别人，听说城里人最近老打狗，不知道你主人最近打你了没有啊？老主人怀念你啊！
15. I want to tell you something, and you must not tell anyone else. I heard that people in the city have been beating dogs lately. Do you know if your owner has beaten you recently? Your old owner misses you!
16.注意啦，夏季空调省电攻略送给你，我多年的经验，是朋友才告诉你：第一步，找到空调电源；第二步，拔掉电源；第三步，检查效果，看，电表转慢了吧。
16. Pay attention, here’s a summer air conditioner power-saving strategy for you, based on my years of experience. I’m only telling you because we’re friends: Step 1, find the air conditioner power supply; Step 2, unplug it; Step 3, check the results. See, the electric meter is spinning slower now.
17.有一种默契叫做心照不宣，有一种感觉叫做妙不可言，有一种思念叫做望眼欲穿，有一种白痴会最后看完！
17. There is a kind of tacit understanding called unspoken, a feeling called indescribable, a longing called yearning, and a fool who will read till the end!
18.春天的花很艳，那是你明媚的笑容；夏天的太阳炽热，那是你的激情；秋天的硕果累累，那是你的收成；冬天的风吹来了，小青娃，你该冬眠了！
18. The flowers in spring are so beautiful, just like your bright smile; the sun in summer is scorching hot, just like your passion; the fruits in autumn are abundant, just like your harvest; the winter wind is blowing, Little Frog, it’s time for you to hibernate!
19.沐浴着微风，你潇洒轻松；沐浴着阳光，你玉树临风；你味道浓浓，鸡鸭鱼肉都需要你的调控，你是厨房里的英雄！我不能没有你，大葱！
19. Bathed in the breeze, you are relaxed and cool; bathed in the sunlight, you are elegant and poised; your taste is rich, and the cooking of chicken, duck, and fish all depends on your control. You are the hero in the kitchen! I can’t live without you, green onion!
20.学语文就是为了发短信；学数学就是为了数钞票；学英语就是为了装洋气；学物理就是为了制造原子弹；学美术就是为了不用看二师兄的照片也能画得像你！
20. Learning Chinese is for sending text messages; learning math is for counting money; learning English is for pretending to be sophisticated; learning physics is for making atomic bombs; learning art is for drawing you without even looking at a photo of you, Second Brother!
21.看着你一天比一天消瘦的身躯，我难受得吃不下睡不着，我求求你了，别再瘦下去了，如果你再继续这样瘦下去的话，别人会以为我…我给你喂瘦肉精呢！
21. Seeing you getting thinner day by day, I feel so upset that I can’t eat or sleep. Please, don’t get any thinner. If you continue to lose weight like this, people will think I’m… feeding you lean meat hormone!
22.哥们，我昨天去看演出，发现有一个演员跟你长得一模一样，我就问工作人员：长得像我哥们那个演员是谁啊？工作人员说：那个是…从非洲买来的猩猩。
22. Buddy, I went to a show yesterday and saw an actor who looked just like you. I asked the staff, “Who is the actor that looks like my buddy?” The staff said, “That’s… the chimpanzee bought from Africa.”
23.你在我心目中，就像“好多鱼”一样。你知道，我最喜欢好多鱼了，它不仅味道好，而且更是因为你—-真的“好多余”！哈，玩笑啦，想你啦，回电哦！
23. You are like “So Many Fish” in my heart. You know, I love So Many Fish the most, not only because of its great taste but also because of you - you are really “so unnecessary”! Ha, just kidding, I miss you, call me back!
24.耳朵痒吗?那代表我在想你，眼睛痒吗?那代表我想见你，嘴痒吗?那代表我想吻你，身体痒吗?那代表……别瞎想了，都快长虱子了，赶快洗澡去吧!
24. Is your ear itching? It means I’m thinking of you. Is your eye itching? It means I want to see you. Is your mouth itching? It means I want to kiss you. Is your body itching? It means… Stop thinking nonsense, you’re almost getting lice! Hurry up and take a bath!
25.男：我可以亲你吗，女：不可以，男:我刚刚说啥？，女:我可以亲你吗，男：可以。
25. Boy: Can I kiss you? Girl: No. Boy: What did I just say? Girl: Can I kiss you? Boy: Yes.
26.“很怀念那段日子，你在我前面扭捏的走在乡间的小路，低着头，乡亲们见了我们都夸你：嘿，又漂亮又干净!也夸我：多好的孩子，这么小年级就出来放猪!”
26. “I really miss those days when you walked ahead of me on the country path, twirling and wriggling, with your head down. The villagers saw us and praised you: ‘Hey, she’s so beautiful and clean!’ They also praised me: ‘What a good child, so young and already herding pigs!’”
27.这次发信息，主要有三个目的：一是联络感情;二是打发时间;三是我很负责任地告诉你：天气凉了，记得不要再穿开裆裤了。
27. The main purpose of this message is threefold: to maintain our relationship; to pass the time; and to responsibly inform you that the weather is getting colder, remember not to wear open-crotch pants anymore.
28.夜已深，独自走在小巷，突然觉得好孤独，好寂寞，好害怕，我心中急切地想着你，念着你，盼着你，要是你在我身边该多好啊，我真的很需要你——手电筒！
28. It’s late at night, walking alone in the alley, suddenly feeling so lonely, so lonely, and scared. I desperately think of you, miss you, and long for you. If only you were by my side, I really need you - flashlight!
29.记得我那次真的狠下心了，扭头准备离开，身后传来了你无助的哭声与撕心裂肺的喊叫，突然之间我感觉到了我是多么地需要你。我一回身把你抱紧：“这头猪我真的不卖了！”
29. I remember that time when I really made up my mind to leave, turning my head and preparing to go. Behind me, I heard your helpless crying and heart-wrenching screams. Suddenly, I realized how much I needed you. I turned around and hugged you tightly: “I won’t sell this pig!”
30.今晚夜色很美，很想跟你分享，很想带你一起欣赏……不过，我怕别人用异样的眼光看我们，毕竟晚上带只蠢猪出门，是很难不引起旁人注意的！
30. The night is beautiful tonight, and I really want to share it with you, and take you to appreciate it together… But I’m afraid that people will look at us strangely, after all, taking a stupid pig out at night is hard not to attract attention!
31.阳光明媚，微风轻轻吹，杨柳多情地摇动着枝条，桃花吐着迷人的芳香，小溪在唱着欢快的歌儿，好一幅春天的画卷，我想说的是…好好工作，老板来啦！
31. The sun is shining brightly, the breeze is gently blowing, the willows are shaking their branches affectionately, the peach blossoms are emitting a charming fragrance, and the stream is singing a cheerful song. What a beautiful spring scene! What I want to say is… work hard, the boss is coming!
32.你真的想知道我喜欢你的哪一点吗？可是我真的不敢说出口，但是又不得不说出口。我就是喜欢你离我远一点。
32. Do you really want to know what I like about you? But I dare not say it, yet I have to say it. I just like you to stay away from me.
33.我很希望能一定陪在你的身边，你睡得好吗？吃得饱吗？晚上会冷吗？我知道你总不会照顾自己。每次我一走开，你就会从猪栏里跳出来！
33. I really hope I can always be by your side. Do you sleep well? Are you well-fed? Do you feel cold at night? I know you never take care of yourself. Every time I leave, you jump out of the pigsty!
34.前天我送你回家，走到一幢豪华的大楼前，你深情地看着我说到了，你回去吧。我久久望着你的背影，看见上面写着四个字：精神病院。
34. The day before yesterday, I walked you home and arrived in front of a luxurious building. You looked at me affectionately and said you were home, and told me to go back. I gazed at your back for a long time and saw four words written on it: Mental Hospital.
35.刚听说你被拐卖，真的把我吓坏，你虽然从小痴呆，但对社会无害，谁人如此大胆，竟敢拿你去卖，我真替他担心，卖得掉才怪。
35. I just heard that you were kidnapped, which really scared me. Although you’ve been mentally challenged since childhood, you’re harmless to society. Who would dare to sell you? I’m really worried for them; it’ll be strange if they can sell you.
36.实在有点想你了，很想和你一起见见面，就这样地看看你，可我真的又不想……我心里好乱—-每次看到你我都心里乱跳，精神病院检查结果出来了，你真的是脑残！
36. I can’t help but miss you and want to meet you, just to look at you. But I really don’t want to… My heart is in turmoil every time I see you. The results from the mental hospital are in; you really are mentally challenged!
37.我知道你喜欢我，但我真的不喜欢你，虽然你肚子里已经有了我的血肉，但还是请你不要再骚扰我了，否则我就对你不客气了，你个死蚊子！
37. I know you like me, but I really don’t like you. Even though you have my child in your belly, please stop bothering me, or I will be unkind to you, you dead mosquito!
38.难以忘记把你捧着手心的感觉，难以忘记吻着你时的丝丝心动，难以忘记你的特有的味道，让我再狠命的吮吸你一下吧——香烟。
38. It’s hard to forget the feeling of holding you in my palm, the tingling heartbeat when kissing you, and your unique taste. Let me suck on you one more time, cigarette.
39.八戒化斋一直未归。这天，一个酷似八戒的人从远处走来，悟空说可能是妖精，唐僧说：发条短信试试，回的就是八戒，不回就是妖精！
39. Bajie has been gone for a long time collecting alms. One day, a person who looks like Bajie came from afar. Wukong said it might be a demon, and Tang Seng said: Send a text message to test, if they reply, it’s Bajie; if not, it’s a demon!
40.夏日周末，酷暑炎热，骄阳似火，我很想你。一想你就浑身燥热，一燥热就特别想和你见面，一见面我就迫不及待地想扑进你的怀里…我亲爱的游泳池！
40. On a hot summer weekend, I miss you so much. Thinking of you makes me feel hot all over. When I’m hot, I especially want to meet you. Once we meet, I can’t wait to jump into your arms… my dear swimming pool!
41.请先摸摸你那红嫩的小脸，再摸摸你的小肚子！好！这次养猪知识讲座到此结束，明天见！
41. Please touch your rosy little face and then your belly. Alright! This pig farming knowledge lecture ends here. See you tomorrow!
42.听说那天你披了一个破麻袋，迈着怪怪的步伐；被当做小偷给抓起来了，还给你带上了狗牌？
42. I heard that you wore a torn sack and walked with a strange gait that day. You were caught as a thief and given a dog tag?
43.我一直想对你说三个字，可你知道它的份量，我怕一旦说出咱们连朋友都没得做。可我控制不住感情鼓起勇气对你说：你是猪。
43. I’ve always wanted to say three words to you, but you know their weight. I’m afraid that once I say them, we won’t be friends anymore. But I can’t control my feelings and muster the courage to tell you: You are a pig.
44.五脏属五行，肝属木，心属火，肺属金，肾属水，脾属土。我帮你算了一下，原来你五行缺火和金，难怪那么长时间不请我吃饭，原来你没心没肺啊！
44. The five organs correspond to the five elements: liver to wood, heart to fire, lungs to metal, kidneys to water, and spleen to earth. I calculated for you and found that you lack fire and metal. No wonder you haven’t invited me for a meal for so long; it turns out you have no heart and lungs!
45.自从我第一次看见你时，就已经深深地被你吸引住了，你的那行为举止，让我忍不住实在想多看你两眼，现在我实在憋不住了，想对你说：你简直就是一只会两条腿走路的小狗。
45. Since the first time I saw you, I was deeply attracted to you. Your behavior made me unable to resist looking at you more. Now I can’t hold back any longer and want to tell you: You are just a little dog walking on two legs.
46.给马桶好好擦了身以后，马桶为了感谢我，问我有什么愿望可以帮我实现，我就说：希望你帮我照顾正在看短信的这头猪！希望他每次便便的时候都开开心心！
46. After cleaning the toilet thoroughly, it thanked me and asked if there was any wish it could help me fulfill. I said: I hope you take care of the pig who is reading this message! I hope he is always happy when he uses the toilet!
47.你是江南第八怪，不回家总在外，不喝酒老吃菜，不谈情老做爱，做爱经常套不带，常拿小姐当被盖，不给钱竟耍懒，经常让人拿脚踹。
47. You are the eighth weirdo from the south of the Yangtze River. You never go home and always stay outside, never drink but eat a lot of vegetables, never talk about love but have sex often, frequently have sex without a condom, treat prostitutes as quilts, refuse to pay and act lazy, and often get kicked.
48.真是一件怪事？刚拨了一下你的手机，提示音回复：对方正在裸奔。怕听错了！又拨了过去，这时候提示音回复：对不起，所拨的用户已奔出地球。
48. Isn’t it strange? I just called your phone, and the prompt said: The recipient is running naked. Afraid I misheard, I called again, and this time the prompt said: Sorry, the user you dialed has run out of the Earth.
49.为了你，我做了好多准备，专门跑了一趟超市，买了许多你需要的东西，这下子好了，万事具备，你这只鸭子终于可以下锅了。
49. For you, I have made many preparations, specifically ran to the supermarket, and bought many things you need. Now everything is ready, and you, this duck, can finally be cooked.
50.公猪马上被杀，只听对主人苦苦哀求：杀我不要紧，只是求你们不要让我老婆看到，不要让她难过，不要打扰她，就让它在那里玩她的手机吧。
50. The boar is about to be killed, and he pleads to the owner: “It doesn’t matter if you kill me, but please don’t let my wife see it, don’t let her be sad, don’t disturb her, just let her play with her phone there.”
51.你表现出色立了大功，组织决定嘉奖你。你脖子挂着奖章坐在桌边，面对丰盛的宴席你不为所动，我疑惑间，却见你飞身越起，扑向一物，仔细一看：一根骨头。
51. You have performed well and made a great contribution, so the organization decided to reward you. You sit at the table with a medal around your neck, unmoved by the sumptuous feast. I am puzzled, but then I see you leap forward and pounce on something. Upon closer inspection, it turns out to be a bone.
52.一直想见到你，却因事忙不能和你想见，今天终于有时间了。所以我特意来狗窝看看你。
52. I have always wanted to see you, but I was too busy to meet with you. Today, I finally have some time, so I came to the doghouse to see you.
53.你知道吗，今天癞蛤蟆向天鹅表白了，天鹅说：谁长成你这样子还不如去死！癞蛤蟆不服气：那隔壁的猪头还活得好好的呢！猪头郁闷地说：我只是在看短信，咋又中枪了？
53. You know, today the toad confessed to the swan, and the swan said, “If anyone looks like you, they might as well die!” The toad was unconvinced: “But the pig next door is still living a good life!” The pig sighed, “I’m just reading a text message, why am I getting involved?”
54.养在家里的是家猪，生在山中的叫野猪，读这信息的是蠢猪，如果在笑的是笨猪，生气的是肥猪，不理我的是死猪，不回复的连猪都不如。
54. The ones raised at home are domestic pigs, the ones born in the mountains are wild boars, the one reading this message is a foolish pig, the one laughing is a silly pig, the one getting angry is a fat pig, the one ignoring me is a dead pig, and the one who doesn’t reply is worse than a pig.
55.最近流行老鼠爱大米，让我不禁想起你。你柔若无骨的嫩肌肤，你弱不禁风的小身体，真是让我提心又吊胆：该死的米虫！可别来祸害我家的米！
55. Recently, it has become popular for mice to love rice, which reminds me of you. Your tender and delicate skin, your frail little body, really make me worried: Damn rice worm! Don’t come to harm my family’s rice!
56.今夜的月光真的很美很美，真想与你一起漫步在大街上，我好喜欢和你一起肩并肩的走着的感觉……只是，我害怕别人用异样的眼光看我，毕竟晚上带头猪上街，很容易被人注意的！
56. Tonight’s moonlight is truly beautiful, and I really want to take a walk with you on the street. I love the feeling of walking side by side with you… but I’m afraid others will look at me strangely, after all, taking a pig out on the street at night is quite noticeable!
57.最近一段时间老流行着老鼠爱大米，这让我不由自主地想起了你。你那柔若无骨的肌肤，你那弱不禁风的小身了，真让我提心吊胆：该死的虫子！不要再来祸害我家的米了！
57. Recently, it has become popular for mice to love rice, which makes me think of you involuntarily. Your tender and delicate skin, your frail little body, really make me worried: Damn bug! Stop harming my family’s rice!
58.猪是猪变的，牛是牛变的，你是什么变的？人变啊。不是，你是你妈妈生的。
58. Pigs come from other pigs, cows come from other cows, what do you come from? Human. No, you were born from your mother.
59.在我的眼里，你一直无忧无虑，吃饭是那么香那么甜，睡觉时都那么舒坦。有时候感觉：真羡慕你这样的小狗生活！
59. In my eyes, you have always been carefree, enjoying your meals so much, and sleeping so comfortably. Sometimes I feel: I really envy your dog-like life!
60.你长的很有创意，活着是你的勇气，丑不是你的本意，是上帝发了脾气，活下去，没有你，谁来衬托世界的美丽！
60. You have a very creative appearance, and living is your courage. Ugliness is not your intention; it’s just that God got angry. Keep living, without you, who would highlight the beauty of the world?
61.你与我静静地走在家乡的小路上，你害羞地低头不语。乡亲们见了我都说：好孩子，打扮得干净又漂亮，可惜这么小年纪就出来放猪！
61. Walking quietly with you on the hometown’s path, you shyly lower your head and don’t speak. The villagers see me and say, “What a good child, so clean and pretty, but it’s a pity that you’re out herding pigs at such a young age!”
62.自我感觉良好的往下来，自我感觉幽默的往下来，自我感觉有魅力的往下看，自我感觉聪明的往下来，嗯，是挺不要脸的。
62. For those who think they are good-looking, scroll down; for those who think they are humorous, scroll down; for those who think they are charming, scroll down; for those who think they are smart, scroll down. Well, you are quite shameless.
63.大家注意了，智力大比拼：选手是象，猪和你。比赛结果已经出来了：第一是象要比猪强，你要比象强。最后的排名是：你象猪。好的，来点掌声！
63. Attention everyone, it’s time for an intelligence contest: The competitors are an elephant, a pig, and you. The results are in: First place goes to the elephant, stronger than the pig, and you are stronger than the elephant. The final ranking is: You are like a pig. Okay, let’s have some applause!
64.有了你以后，我相信命运的安排；有了你以后，我相信缘份的注定；可能这所有一切都是在冥冥之中牵引着你和我。真想生气地说：我上辈子我欠了你多少啊！
64. With you, I believe in fate’s arrangement; with you, I believe in the predestined encounter; perhaps all of this is guiding you and me in the unseen world. I really want to say angrily: How much do I owe you from my previous life?
65.说你是凤凰，我说你是乌鸦；你说你是玫瑰花，我说你是？]蛤蟆；你说你是活泼的小鹿，我说你是淘气的小猪！
65. If I say you are a phoenix, I say you are a crow; if you say you are a rose, I say you are a toad; if you say you are a lively deer, I say you are a mischievous pig!
66.一种喜欢加上一种迷恋，汇成我对你火热的爱；生活的点滴日常琐碎，我都要紧紧把你依赖；不管风雨抑或坎坷，人生有你我就无所畏惧。真的需要你，钱！
66. A kind of fondness plus a kind of infatuation, converge into my fiery love for you; the trivialities of daily life, I rely on you tightly; no matter the wind and rain or the rough roads, with you in my life, I fear nothing. I really need you, money!
67.说你啥好呢？你果然与众不同！给点阳光，你就灿烂；给点幸福，你就浪漫；给点夸奖，你就屁颠；给点赞美，你就臭美；给点表扬，你就疯狂。
67. What should I say about you? You are indeed different from others! Give you some sunshine, and you shine brightly; give you some happiness, and you become romantic; give you some praise, and you strut around; give you some compliments, and you become smug; give you some applause, and you go wild.
68.你知道吗？我们很久以前就认识了，你紧紧地跟着我，用你的脸贴着我，用你的鼻嗅着我，还用你的嘴温柔地咬了我一口……那时候，我叫吕洞宾。
68. Do you know? We knew each other a long time ago. You followed me closely, pressing your face against mine and sniffing me with your nose, even gently biting me with your mouth… At that time, I was called Lu Dongbin.
69.你血压高，血脂高，职位不高。大会不发言，小会不发言，前列腺发炎。政绩不突出，业绩不突出，腰间盘突出。
69. You have high blood pressure, high blood lipids, but not a high position. You don’t speak at big meetings, nor at small meetings, but you have prostatitis. Your achievements are not outstanding, nor your performance, but your lumbar disc is protruding.
70.看了牛郎织女的故事后，我才知道什么叫–爱情；看了桃园三结义的故事后，我才知道什么叫–兄弟；看了你和猩猩的合照后，我才知道什么叫–绝配！
70. After reading the story of the Cowherd and the Weaver Girl, I finally understood what love is; after reading the story of the Peach Garden Oath, I finally understood what brotherhood is; after seeing your photo with the chimpanzee, I finally understood what a perfect match is!
71.看到那么多人喜欢你，我也暗暗地给自己鼓劲，一定要尝试着去追求你，当我走近你的那一刹那，闻着身上所发出的气息，我终于忍不住吐了…臭豆腐！
71. Seeing so many people like you, I secretly encouraged myself to try to pursue you. When I approached you and smelled the odor emanating from your body, I couldn’t help but vomit… stinky tofu!
72.假如时光可以静止，我希望停留在你最幸福的那一刻。假如时光可以倒流，我希望回到你我儿童的时光，过着无忧虑的日子，每天都能见到你那满脸的，鼻涕！
72. If time could stand still, I wish to stay at the moment when you are the happiest. If time could go back, I wish to return to our childhood, living carefree days, and seeing you with a runny nose every day!
73.真不明白，为何每天晚上你总是尽量站在有光的地方，后来经人提醒我才明白，原来你是想当夜明猪呀！
73. I really don’t understand why you always try to stand in the light every night. Later, someone reminded me, and I finally understood that you wanted to be a luminous pig!
74.你拽，你拽，最会是当别人不存在，整天就只会到处去晒，也不怕把别人都吓坏，别以为自己长得很帅，其实你只是天蓬元帅！
74. You are so arrogant, always acting as if others don’t exist, showing off everywhere, not afraid to scare others. Don’t think you are handsome; in fact, you are just Marshal Tian Peng!
75.那个夏日的午后，我带你走进青纱帐。太阳高高地照着，微风撩起我的衣衫，我们一起度过了美好的下午：你低头吃草，我看小人书！
75. On that summer afternoon, I took you into the green curtain. The sun was shining high, the breeze lifting my clothes, and we spent a beautiful afternoon together: you eating grass, me reading a comic book!
76.据说，男女对视不足秒，是没好感；对视秒，是有好感；对视秒，会情愫暗生；对视秒，那是感情深厚；而我，竟和你对视秒，我……我想吐啊！
76. It is said that if men and women look at each other for less than a second, they have no affection; if they look at each other for a second, they have affection; if they look at each other for seconds, romantic feelings will arise; if they look at each other for seconds, their feelings are deep; and I, after looking at you for seconds, I… I want to vomit!
77.你好可爱——可怜没人爱；你长得真不错——长得这样真的不是你的错；你是天才——天生的蠢才；你很气质——小气又神经质。
77. You are so cute - pitiful that no one loves you; you look really good - it’s not your fault to look like that; you are a genius - a naturally born fool; you are very temperamental - stingy and neurotic.
78.清晨你轻轻地走近我的床前，深情地吻着我的脸，你那深遂的眼眸始终注视着我，实在无法拒绝你——“狗狗乖，带你去散步”。
78. In the early morning, you gently approached my bedside, kissing my face passionately, your deep eyes always staring at me, I couldn’t refuse you - “Good dog, let’s go for a walk.”
79.温馨提醒：天气多变，小心穿衣！小雨是我想你，阵雨是心不移，刮风是送心意，阴天是很惦记，晴天是不分离，多云是有惊喜！如果下雪，那就是你没睡醒！
79. Warm reminder: The weather is changeable, be careful with your clothing! Light rain means I miss you, showers mean my heart is unchanging, wind sends my thoughts, cloudy days mean I care, sunny days mean we won’t be separated, and cloudy days bring surprises! If it snows, that means you haven’t woken up yet!
80.自打与你失去联系那天起，我就天天牵挂着你，到处寻找你的下落，也许你不知道我有多着急，但是，我依然不会放弃，因为——猪肉涨价了，你升值啦！
80. Since the day I lost contact with you, I have been worrying about you every day, searching for your whereabouts. Maybe you don’t know how anxious I am, but I will never give up because - pork prices have risen, and you have increased in value!
81.经过我一番查经引典，并访遍中外心理学家、自然学家、物理学家等等，结合我做的实验，我终于找到了一个避暑方法，那就是：哪凉快哪呆着去！
81. After consulting various references and visiting psychologists, naturalists, physicists, and others from both China and abroad, combined with my own experiments, I finally found a way to escape the heat: just stay where it’s cool!
82.有个人对我说，你除了吃什么也不会，我把他狠狠地揍了一顿，居然这么诋毁你，别人我不知道，你我还不知道吗？除了吃，你至少还会睡觉、奔跑和拉磨！
82. Someone told me that you can do nothing but eat. I gave them a good beating, how dare they slander you like that! I may not know others, but I know you can do more than just eat; you can also sleep, run, and grind flour!
83.你不苟言笑，却爱卖弄风骚；你嘴虽不甜，却讨人喜欢；你爱献殷勤，却无不轨之心；你天生还有看门的本领，看你瞪圆了双目，这块骨头赏给你了。
83. You may not be a joker, but you love to show off your charm; although your words may not be sweet, you are still likable; you may be eager to please, but you have no ill intentions; you are naturally gifted with the ability to guard, and as you stare at me with your round eyes, here’s a bone for you.
84.夜已很深，我从梦中醒来，在郊外的草地上，当你慢慢地向我靠近，我的心狂跳不止，这一切来得太突然，让我不知所措地大叫…老鼠！
84. It’s late at night, and I wake up from my dream on the grassland outside the city. As you slowly approach me, my heart races uncontrollably. Everything happens so suddenly that I can’t help but scream… mouse!
85.你的国语标准么？请跟我一起念：万万望望，望旺万旺，万腕忘忘，万旺万旺。好了，狗狗别叫了，吃骨头啰！
85. Is your Mandarin standard? Please chant with me: Wan wan wang wang, wang wang wan wan, wan wan wang wang, wan wang wan wan. Alright, stop barking, doggie, it’s time for a bone!
86.日复一日单调忙碌的生活，有时会让人忘了自己的存在，这时，你只需拿一把榔头在大拇指上轻轻一砸，便可轻而易举地找回你自己。
86. The monotonous and busy daily life may sometimes make you forget your own existence. In such moments, you just need to gently hit your thumb with a hammer to easily find yourself again.
87.我真的很喜欢你大大的耳朵宽宽的脸，厚厚的嘴唇黑黑的眼。你的歌声很奇妙，歌词总是一个调–哼哼哼-哼哼哼。你就是我的宠物猪崽崽！
87. I really like your big ears, wide face, thick lips, and black eyes. Your singing is quite peculiar; the lyrics always follow the same tune - humming, humming. You are my pet piglet!
88.你天生脑袋带漩，脸黑五指不见，两片菜叶掩面，江湖飞壁走檐，闹得鸡飞狗唤，美女见了傻眼。自认丐帮老大，实住精神病院。
88. You are born with a swirl on your head, dark face with five fingers invisible, covering your face with two leaves, leaping over walls and rooftops, causing chaos among chickens and dogs, and stunning beauties. You claim to be the leader of the beggars’ gang, but in reality, you live in a mental hospital.
89.一天一只螳螂对着一只蚂蚁炫耀说：你看我有两把刀多么帅气。蚂蚁正要说话，这时过来一只鸡一口就吃掉了螳螂，蚂蚁见到，摇摇头说：不知道现在正严打吗？还敢拿着个刀在街上乱跑。
89. One day, a mantis showed off its two swords to an ant, saying how handsome it looked. The ant was about to speak when a chicken came by and swallowed the mantis. The ant shook its head and said, “Don’t you know there’s a crackdown going on? How dare you run around with a sword in the street?”
90.若思念是一缕青烟，让狂风吹到你身边，让你知道我有多想你；若牵挂是一滴雨水，让大雨在你头上下起，让你知道我有多念你；感冒了吧？
90. If missing you is like a wisp of smoke, let the strong wind blow it to you, so you know how much I miss you; if worrying about you is like a drop of rain, let the heavy rain pour on your head, so you know how much I care for you; did you catch a cold?
91.最新健身法：单腿站立，头侧偏，站立的单腿弯曲，然后迅速伸直，使身体脱离地面，做自由落体。同时单手击打头部，脑中的积水会自耳孔流出，做做看！
91. The latest fitness method: stand on one leg, tilt your head, bend the standing leg, and then quickly straighten it, making your body脱离地面, perform a free fall. At the same time, slap your head with one hand, and the fluid in your brain will flow out of your ear孔. Give it a try!
92.师傅感冒了，念个经就好；大师兄感冒了，翻个筋斗就好；我感冒了，舞回铲就好；你感冒了，别出门才好。二师兄，你一感冒，全球发愁，真牛。
92. When the master catches a cold, chanting a sutra will make it better; when the eldest disciple catches a cold, doing a somersault will help; when I catch a cold, dancing with a shovel will do the trick; but when you catch a cold, it’s better not to go out. Second brother, when you catch a cold, the whole world worries, you’re really something.
93.昨天在网上看到你用的那个型号手机辐射特别大，吓了我一跳，刚要通知你，又看到说对智商小于的人不起作用，我才放心，你也别担心，继续用吧。
93. Yesterday, I saw online that the model of your mobile phone has a particularly high radiation level, which startled me. I was about to notify you, but then I saw that it has no effect on people with an IQ less than… I felt relieved, so don’t worry, just keep using it.
94.今天我们一起去回忆童年吧，我们一起玩丢手绢，一起玩投沙包，我就不信了，用尽我全部的力量还不能把你的头变成蒙古包。
94. Let’s recall our childhood together today. We’ll play “dropping handkerchiefs” and “throwing sandbags.” I don’t believe that using all my strength, I still can’t turn your head into a Mongolian yurt.
95.实在报歉，这么晚打扰你，我只是想问一下：你睡了没？
95. I’m really sorry to bother you so late, but I just want to ask: have you gone to bed?
96.上厕所没带上纸，准备打电话叫人送，拿出手机一看，呃没信号，谁建的厕所！服了。
96. I went to the bathroom without bringing any toilet paper and was about to call someone to bring some. I took out my phone and saw there was no signal. Who built this bathroom? I’m amazed.
97.你想出人头地吗？你想发财致富吗？你想光宗耀祖吗？你想大富大贵吗？你想升官发财吗？别胡思乱想了，洗洗睡吧，明天还得上班呢！
97. Do you want to make a name for yourself? Do you want to get
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