1.有情人终成房奴，有房人终成眷属。
1. Lovers eventually become mortgage slaves, and those with houses eventually become couples.
2.现在的手机电脑都流行触屏。有位朋友特别感慨：现在科技发展这么快，说不准哪天电视都触屏了。另外一朋友说：你傻啊！有遥控器不用，非要走过去用手指戳？
2. Nowadays, mobile phones and computers are all about touchscreens. A friend remarked with emotion: “With technology developing so fast, who knows, maybe one day TVs will be touchscreens too.” Another friend replied: “You’re silly! Why not use a remote control and instead walk over to poke at the screen with your fingers?”
3.多谢你的绝情，让我学会死心……
3. Thank you for your ruthlessness, which taught me to give up…
4.知道什么是凌迟吗？我们都是被时间凌迟的人，一刀又一刀，直到面目全非。
4. Do you know what lingchi (slow slicing) is? We are all people who are being lingchi by time, cut after cut, until we are unrecognizable.
5.老公和老婆在一个被子里睡觉，老公打了一个喷嚏，喷了老婆一脸。老婆说：再有情况时提前说一声，过了一会。老公大声说：准备！老婆赶忙一头钻进被子里，只听“嘭”的一声，老公放了一个屁……。
5. A husband and wife were sleeping under the same blanket. The husband sneezed and sprayed his wife’s face. The wife said: “Next time, give me a heads up.” After a while, the husband shouted: “Get ready!” The wife quickly buried her head under the blanket, only to hear a “bang” as the husband farted…
6.是人都有阴暗面，如果你偏说你很单纯，那我只能说，你不是人！
6. Everyone has a dark side. If you insist on saying you are innocent, then I can only say, you are not human!
7.宝贝宝贝我爱你，就像老鼠爱大米，你是天上的风凤凰飞啊飞，我是地上的豺狼追啊追，我不打你也不骂你，我用感情折磨你。
7. Baby, I love you, like a mouse loves rice. You are the divine phoenix flying high in the sky, and I am the jackal chasing you on the ground. I won’t hit you or scold you, I’ll torment you with my feelings.
8.难道全世界的鸡蛋联合起来就能打破石头吗？！所以做人还是要现实些……
8. Can the whole world’s eggs unite and break a stone?! So, it’s better to be realistic in life…
9.世界上难以自拔的，除了牙齿，还有爱情。
9. The things that are hard to extricate oneself from in the world include teeth and love.
10.你在别人眼中有多风光，你在自己内心就有多悲怆！
10. The more glorious you are in others’ eyes, the more desolate you are in your own heart!
11.中分看鼻子，齐刘海看脸型，斜刘海看气质，无刘海看五官，我适合蒙面。
11. A center parting shows the nose, a full fringe shows the face shape, a side fringe shows the temperament, no fringe shows the facial features. I’m suitable for wearing a mask.
12.放自己的屁，让别人闻去吧！
12. Let me pass gas and let others smell it!
13.天涯何处无牛粪，何必单恋一坨屎。
13. There’s cow dung everywhere in the world, why be infatuated with a single pile of shit?
14.我不是广场上算卦的，唠不出那么多你爱听的嗑。
14. I’m not a fortune teller in the square, so I can’t chatter as much as you like.
15.两大悲剧 人生的两大悲剧：一是万念俱灰，一是踌躇满志。
15. The two great tragedies in life: one is despair, and the other is overconfidence.
16.智能手机地上狠一摔就变成智障手机
16. A smartphone becomes a mentally challenged phone when it’s smashed hard on the ground.
17.唐三藏：八戒，你跑两步给为师看看。猪八戒：师父，你为啥突然想看徒儿跑步？唐三藏：哎！惭愧！为师自幼在寺中长大，既没吃过猪肉，也没见过猪跑。
17. Tang Seng: Bajie, run a couple of steps for me to see. Zhu Bajie: Master, why do you suddenly want to see your disciple running? Tang Seng: Alas! I grew up in the temple and have never eaten pork or seen a pig run.
18.我们的目标：向钱看，向厚赚。
18. Our goal: Focus on money and make a fat profit.
19.爱我，就给我穿上婚纱，然后再亲手扒光。
19. If you love me, put a wedding dress on me and then strip me naked with your own hands.
20.收银员说：没零钱了，找你两个塑料袋吧。
20. The cashier said: “I don’t have any change, so here are two plastic bags for you.”
21.如果说大蒜是联邦制，那么香蕉就是邦联制，如果说葡萄是封建制，那么橘子就是郡县制，如果说芒果是中央集权，那么椰子就是虚君共和。
21. If garlic represents a federal system, then bananas represent a confederal system. If grapes represent a feudal system, then oranges represent a county system. If mangoes represent centralized power, then coconuts represent a constitutional monarchy.
22.在傻瓜眼里，聪明人的聪明一文不值。
22. In the eyes of a fool, the intelligence of a wise person is worth nothing.
23.师太，你就从了老衲吧！…很久很久以后…师太，你就饶了老衲吧！
23. “Nun, just give in to me, my dear…” …A long time later… “Nun, please spare me, my dear!”
24.你下面太硬了，我下面太湿了，看来下锅面真是一件不容易的事。
24. “Your noodles are too hard, and my soup is too watery. It seems that cooking this dish is not an easy task.”
25.老婆破天荒地第一次支持我买车——赶紧买辆车吧，这样去看我妈的时候带东西就不用不愁了，而且去看你妈的时候还可以多带点东西回来…
25. My wife, who never supports me, surprisingly supports me in buying a car - “Hurry up and buy a car! That way, when we visit my mom, we won’t have to worry about carrying things, and when we visit your mom, we can bring even more stuff back…”
26.当我微笑时，我的笑容充满了诗人般放荡不羁的气质，在这放荡不羁的背后流露着的却是细腻而温暖的情感。当我沉默时，仰首便仿佛唱诗班纯洁的翩翩少女，垂首则像深刻而高雅的贵族。是的，我便是这样一个将各种仿佛不可调和的特质，完美地融合在一起的男子。
26. When I smile, my smile is filled with a poet’s unrestrained and romantic temperament, yet behind this romanticism lies a delicate and warm emotion. When I am silent, looking up is like a pure and innocent choir girl, while looking down resembles a profound and elegant noble. Yes, I am a man who perfectly blends seemingly incompatible traits together.
27.别老看AV，你也不看看键盘上，字母A和V后面分别是什么。
27. Don’t always watch AV; you should also pay attention to what comes after the letters A and V on the keyboard.
28.那些习惯了化妆的不化都不敢出门，像我们不习惯化妆的化了都不敢出门了。
28. Those who are used to wearing makeup dare not go out without it, while those who are not used to it, like us, dare not go out even with makeup on.
29.早知道找个女朋友这么难，我就定娃娃亲了 ！
29. If I had known finding a girlfriend would be so difficult, I would have arranged a childhood marriage!
30.谁若烧了我姐妹的天堂，我定炖了她人的翅膀。
30. Whoever burns my sister’s paradise, I will definitely stew her wings.
31.如果你对目前的工作不太满意，觉得事业发展到了一个瓶颈，那么就去进修一个更高的学历吧，这样的话，毕业以后你就会明白，之前的失败跟学历似乎没什么关系。
31. If you are not satisfied with your current job and feel that your career has reached a bottleneck, go for a higher degree. Then, after graduation, you will realize that your previous failures have nothing to do with your education.
32.有妹妹的哥哥通常都很温柔，但是有弟弟的姐姐通常都会三秒钟变泼妇！
32. Brothers with younger sisters are usually gentle, but sisters with younger brothers often turn into shrewd women within three seconds!
33.难免埋怨时间的手，把相爱写成相爱过。
33. It’s inevitable to complain about the hands of time, turning “being in love” into “having been in love.”
34.鱼说：“我时时刻刻把眼睁开是为了在你身边不舍离开。”水说：“我终日流淌不知疲倦是为了围绕你，好好把你抱紧。”锅说：“都他妈快熟了还这么多废话。
34. Fish says, “I keep my eyes open all the time because I don’t want to leave your side.” Water says, “I flow day and night tirelessly, embracing you and holding you tight.” The pot says, “You both have so much to say even though you’re almost cooked.”
35.你骂我是因为你不够了解我，了解我的人都想砍我。
35. You insult me because you don’t know me well enough; those who know me want to chop me up.
36.当你想不通的时候，想一下自己是在中国，一切就豁然开朗了。
36. When you can’t figure something out, think about the fact that you are in China, and everything will suddenly become clear.
37.时光啊，还真就肉包子打狗了……
37. Time is like throwing meat buns to dogs…
38.失去的幸福，就是你屁眼上的菊花，往往只有拉肚子的时候，你才觉得它开的特显灿烂。
38. Lost happiness is like the chrysanthemum on your buttocks, only when you have diarrhea do you realize how brilliantly it blooms.
39.就算我是一坨屎，我也是一坨有思想的屎！
39. Even if I am a pile of shit, I am a thoughtful pile of shit!
40.听说泰囧要在荷兰拍续集了，你说叫啥名字？ 荷囧
40. I heard that “Lost in Thailand” will be shooting a sequel in the Netherlands. What do you think it will be called? “Lost in the Netherlands”
41.火可以试金，金可以试女人，女人可以试男人。
41. Fire can test gold, gold can test women, and women can test men.
42.不知我长短，我怎知你深浅。
42. If you don’t know my strengths and weaknesses, how can I know your true character?
43.头脑是日用品，不是装饰品。
43. The mind is a daily necessity, not a decoration.
44.一山不可以容二虎，除非一公和一母。
44. One mountain cannot accommodate two tigers, unless it’s a male and a female.
45.“你还爱我吗”这句话女人会在第一次和男人接吻第一次被男人抚摸第一次和男人上床男人赚到第一笔钱的时候各问若干次。
45. The phrase “Do you still love me?” is asked by women several times during their first kiss, first touch, first intimate encounter, and when the man earns his first sum of money.
46.整天不学好，整月不洗澡，整年往外跑，整辈子检讨
46. Not learning all day, not bathing for a month, running outside all year, and self-examining for a lifetime.
47.同事在网上买了一个几十块钱的手机贴膜，自己贴，全是气泡，于是拿到手机贴膜的摊位去重新贴。摊主拿过同事的手机看都没看就把贴膜撕下来，问同事：你自己贴的吧？同事：是的。摊主：你贴的是贴膜保护纸，贴膜让你扔了。
47. A colleague bought a cheap phone screen protector online and tried to apply it himself, but it was full of bubbles. So he took it to the phone accessory stand to get it re-applied. The vendor took the phone without even looking at it, tore off the screen protector, and asked the colleague: “You applied it yourself, right?” Colleague: “Yes.” Vendor: “You applied the screen protector’s protective paper, and you threw away the actual screen protector.”
48.我现在是吃了想吃吃了还想吃就不知道饱那回事！
48. Now I’m the type who eats and wants to eat, and eats again without knowing when to stop!
49.有个同事老大不小了，找不到对象，工会主席派了个大妈过来关心关心，问他打算找个什么样的，好张罗张罗。同事憋三天憋出个屁来：也没啥特别的，但一定要找回族的！大妈问他原因，他小声说：猪肉那么贵，找个不吃猪肉的省钱……。
49. A colleague is quite old but still hasn’t found a partner. The union chairman sent an aunt over to show concern and asked him what kind of person he was looking for, so she could help. After thinking for three days, the colleague said: “There’s nothing special, but I must find someone from the Hui ethnicity!” The aunt asked why, and he whispered: “Pork is so expensive; finding someone who doesn’t eat pork saves money…”
50.普通青年：下雪了，我就可以陪女友打雪仗了。高帅富：我又可以在雪中认识好多纯洁的女孩子了。矮丑穷：下雪了，我可以堆一个雪人陪我了，二逼青年：雪拌点白糖真好吃。
50. Average youth: It’s snowing, so I can play snowball fights with my girlfriend. Rich handsome guy: I can meet many pure and innocent girls in the snow. Short and ugly poor guy: It’s snowing, so I can build a snowman to keep me company. Crazy youth: Snow with some sugar added is really delicious.
51.世界上有两种生物会趴玻璃，一种是壁虎，一种是班主任。
51. There are two creatures in the world that can crawl on glass, one is a gecko, and the other is a head teacher.
52.最是夜深人静时，思念才变得如此放肆。
52. It is in the dead of night when thoughts become so unruly.
53.如果我死了，我的第一句话是：终于不用怕鬼了。
53. If I die, my first sentence will be: Finally, I don’t have to be afraid of ghosts anymore.
54.我这个人最老实。从不说谎话。这句除外。
54. I am the most honest person. I never lie. Except for this sentence.
55.别说我很高傲,只昰我拒绝与禽兽打交道。
55. Don’t say I’m arrogant; it’s just that I refuse to deal with beasts.
56.少年不胡作妄为，大胆放肆，试问老年时哪来的题材话当年。
56. If a young man doesn’t act recklessly and boldly, where will he find the stories to reminisce about in his old age?
57.我是一棵孤独的树，千百年来矗立在路旁，寂寞的等待，只为有一天你从我身边走过时为你倾倒，砸不扁你就算我白活了。
57. I am a lonely tree, standing by the roadside for thousands of years, waiting in solitude, just to topple over for you one day as you pass by, and if I don’t flatten you, then I’ve lived my life in vain.
58.中午在食堂叫了两个菜。吃第一个我震撼了世界上还有比这更难吃的菜吗？吃第二个我哭了还真有啊。
58. At noon in the cafeteria, I ordered two dishes. After eating the first one, I was shocked: Is there any dish harder to eat in the world? After eating the second one, I cried: There really is!
59.一栋老楼门口，一个年轻人发现一个老人手里提着大包小包的也要上楼，于是主动帮助老人把全部东西提了上去。到了老人的家门口，老人感谢道：“谢谢你，小伙子。你帮了我一个大忙。顺便问一下，你抽烟吗？”小伙子急忙说：“我抽烟。不过谢谢您。”老人说道：“哦，怪不得，你看你这么年轻，上楼剃还喘粗气。”
59. In front of an old building, a young man noticed an elderly person carrying a lot of packages and offered to help carry them upstairs. When they reached the old person’s door, the old man thanked him and asked, “Do you smoke?” The young man hurriedly replied, “I do, but thank you.” The old man said, “Oh, no wonder. You’re so young, and you’re already panting after climbing the stairs.”
60.不怕美女千千万，就怕美女来放电：秋波暗送叫微电，眼神火辣高压电。单相思叫直流电，双相思叫交流电。一见钟情叫来电，两情相悦叫通电。爱情就像蓄电池，要时常充电！
60. Don’t be afraid of thousands of beautiful women, but be afraid when they send out sparks: Flirtatious glances are low voltage, fiery eyes are high voltage. Unrequited love is direct current, mutual love is alternating current. Love at first sight is an incoming call, mutual affection is a connected call. Love is like a battery, it needs to be recharged from time to time!
61.别惹我，否则我会让你死得很有节奏感。
61. Don’t provoke me, or I’ll make your death full of rhythm.
62.做人就要做一个徘徊在牛A和牛C之间的人。
62. To be a person, one should be someone between awesome (牛A) and incredible (牛C).
63.老子不但有车，还是自行的……
63. I have a car, and it’s a bicycle…
64.我费劲千辛爬上梯子的顶端，却发现梯子搭错了墙头……
64. I struggled to climb to the top of the ladder, only to find that I had set it up against the wrong wall…
65.情人节，我辗转找到一个我中学暗恋的女生的电话，给她发了一条短信：如果只有一碗粥，你先喝半碗，剩下的半碗，我放在怀里给你保温…几分钟后，她回了一条短信：你是谁介绍的？一次四百，包夜七百。
65. On Valentine’s Day, I found the phone number of a girl I had a crush on in high school and sent her a text message: If there’s only one bowl of porridge, you drink half, and I’ll keep the other half warm in my arms… A few minutes later, she replied: Who introduced you? Four hundred for one time, seven hundred for overnight.
66.女人小时候的观护所，长大后的监理所，结婚后的避难所。
66. A woman’s nursery, a supervisory office when she grows up, and a refuge after marriage.
67.其实世界还是对女生比较残酷，你看，男生长得丑，如果温和善良身体强壮吃苦耐劳有才能钟情专一，随意具备几项，就能大大加分。如果女生长得丑，有这些好像也没用……。
67. In fact, the world is still more cruel to girls. Look, if a guy is ugly but gentle, kind, strong, hardworking, talented, and loyal, he can score big with just a few of these qualities. But if a girl is ugly, it seems like having these qualities doesn’t help…
68.心理学研究发现，人们在照镜子时大脑会自动进行脑补，镜子中的你大概比真实长相好看%也就是说，实际上你真实的长相比你自我感觉上的你要丑％左右。专家表示，这就是为什么很多人照相时感觉不像的原因，原来是我一直想太多！
68. Psychological research has found that when people look in the mirror, the brain automatically fills in the gaps, making your reflection about 10% more attractive than your actual appearance. Experts say this is why many people feel unlike themselves in photos, and it turns out I’ve been overthinking it!
69.一女同学黑了些，她男友又太白了些，有天宿舍里的毒舌天后突然对她冒出一句：“你们这样不行，你们会生出斑马来的。”
69. A female classmate was a bit dark, and her boyfriend was too pale. One day, a sharp-tongued queen in the dorm suddenly said to her, “This won’t do, you two. You’ll have zebra offspring.”
70.经过周末两天的休息，大家现在都很累了……
70. After a weekend of rest, everyone is now very tired…
71.某塑料厂推销员，在一次全国性的订货会上，向各地来宾介绍：“本厂生产的印花薄膜雨披，经久耐用，式样新颖。”说着，他拿出一件往身上一披，突然发现这件雨披肩上破裂，只见他微微一笑，不慌不忙地继续说：“大家看见没有？像这种坏的，我们是可以退换的。”
71. At a national订货会上, a salesperson from a certain plastic factory introduced, “Our factory’s printed film raincoats are durable and fashionable.” As he put on one to demonstrate, the raincoat suddenly tore on the shoulder. With a slight smile, he calmly continued, “As you can see, we can exchange or return the defective ones.”
72.不过是想玩玩水而已，怎么会被游泳圈卡住呢？
72. I just wanted to play with water, how could I get stuck in a swimming ring?
73.在成才的路上，我天天过着傻B似的生活！其实我很聪明，只不过智商低了点。
73. On the road to success, I live a foolish life every day! In fact, I am very smart, but my IQ is just a bit low.
74.据说某公司招聘，先把收到的一大堆简历随机扔掉一半，因为他们的招聘理念是“我们不要运气不好的人。”
74. It is said that a certain company randomly throws away half of the resumes they receive, as their recruitment philosophy is “We don’t want people with bad luck.”
75.你要走，我不拦你，你要死，我帮你！
75. If you want to leave, I won’t stop you; if you want to die, I will help you!
76.女人无所谓正派，正派是因为受到的引诱不够；男人无所谓忠诚，忠诚是因为背叛的筹码太低。
76. Women are not inherently virtuous; they are virtuous because they haven’t been tempted enough. Men are not inherently loyal; they are loyal because the price for betrayal is too low.
77.问君能有几多愁，恰似一群太监上青楼……
77. What can I say about my sorrow? It’s like a group of eunuchs visiting a brothel…
78.找对象，不要看对方人又多好，而是看对方对你有多好。
78. When looking for a partner, don’t focus on how good the person is, but on how good they are to you.
79.你看，总有那么多的事情让你伤感：阴晴圆缺，悲欢离合，阳痿早泄…
79. Look, there are always so many things that make you feel sad: the changing weather, joys and sorrows, impotence and premature ejaculation…
80.长痘是因为你帅的冒泡！
80. Having acne is because you are so handsome that it bubbles over!
81.很多女孩都是得了韩红的病，但是没有韩红的命。
81. Many girls have Han Hong’s illness, but they don’t have Han Hong’s fate.
82.我建议大家对我的长相，理解为主，欣赏为辅。
82. I suggest that when it comes to my appearance, understanding should be the main focus, and appreciation as a secondary aspect.
83.无耻也是一种品质！思念是一种神经病！
83. Shamelessness is also a quality! Missing someone is a kind of mental illness!
84.对爱义无返顾是因为一无所知，对爱小心谨慎是因为一知半解，对爱拒之千里是因为大彻大悟。
84. Being reckless in love is due to ignorance, being cautious in love is due to partial understanding, and rejecting love completely is due to full enlightenment.
85.生活，就是我妈把我生出来，我就必须活下去。
85. Life is when my mom gave birth to me, and I have to keep living.
86.蹲在厕所数蛆——反正是恶心死人不偿命！
86. Counting maggots in the toilet – it’s just disgusting people to death without compensation!
87.老师问：世界上有一种马，由黑白颜色组成，请问是什么马？小明：二维码！老师：滚出去。
87. The teacher asked: What kind of horse is composed of black and white colors? Xiao Ming: QR code! Teacher: Get out!
88.冬天最流氓了，总是喜欢对我冻手冻脚冻脸冻耳朵。
88. Winter is the most mischievous, always fondling me with its cold hands, face, and ears.
89.儿子岁那会儿，因为刚让他分床睡，所以经常吵着要跟我们一块儿睡。一天，我应酬喝酒到凌晨才回家，媳妇就跟儿子说：“儿子，你看你爸好可怜，工作到半夜那么辛苦，还不能挨着自个的媳妇儿睡！” 谁知小家伙冒了句：“妈妈，我更可怜，我连媳妇儿都没有！”
89. When my son was a child, since we had just let him sleep separately, he often demanded to sleep with us. One day, I came home late in the morning after a business dinner, and my wife told our son, “Look at your dad, he’s so pitiful. He works so hard until midnight and can’t even sleep with his own wife!” The little guy replied, “Mom, I’m even more pitiful; I don’t even have a wife!”
90.孔子说：再丑也要谈恋爱，谈到世界充满爱。
90. Confucius said: No matter how ugly you are, you should still fall in love, so that the world will be filled with love.
91.当你躺在别人床上的时候，别忘了那姿势还是我教你的。
91. When you lie in someone else’s bed, don’t forget that I’m the one who taught you that position.
92.美色是镇暴的最佳武器。
92. Beauty is the best weapon to quell riots.
93.家人说话耳旁风，外人说话金字经。
93. Family words are耳边 wind, while outsiders’ words are golden scriptures.
94.很感谢那些耐心回答我的人，公交上那个姐姐，还有那位大叔，我不知道他们是不是本地人，但我们遇到的一个交警协管，一位头发花白的大姐，她是上海本地人，很和善，并不像有些人说的上海人很排外。事实上，什么都不是绝对的。
94. I am very grateful to those who patiently answered my questions, the sister on the bus and that uncle. I don’t know if they are locals, but we met a traffic police assistant, a kind-hearted older lady with white hair. She is a local Shanghai resident and doesn’t seem to be as exclusive as some people say Shanghai people are. In fact, nothing is absolute.
95.与人争执时，退一步海阔天空；追女友时，退一步人去楼空。
95. When arguing with others, taking a step back brings a broader perspective; when chasing a girlfriend, taking a step back leaves you with an empty room.
96.最佳闺蜜排挡：一个逗比，一个美比，一个学霸，一个女汉纸。
96. The best group of girlfriends: one funny, one pretty, one smart, and one tough.
97.很黑的深夜，我突然想要学习，可是当我找到蜡烛的时候，天已经亮了……
97. In the pitch-black night, I suddenly wanted to study, but by the time I found a candle, it was already morning…
98.婚姻是爱情的坟墓，没有坟墓你将死无葬身之地。
98. Marriage is the grave of love; without a grave, you will have no place to rest in death.
99.男人的思念是对肉体的一种饥渴之情，是对性欲一种发自内心的呼唤。我很不幸，得了这种美名其曰相思的病。
99. A man’s longing is a hunger for the physical, a heartfelt call for sexual desire. Unfortunately, I have contracted this so-called lovesickness.
100.生下来的人没有怕死的，怕死的都TM没生下来，所以谁都别TM的装横！
1. People are not born fearing death; it’s those who are too scared that don’t get born, so no one should act all tough!
1.女人谨记：一定要吃好玩好喝好睡好，一旦累死了，就有别的女人花咱的钱，住咱的房，睡咱的老公，泡咱的男朋友，还打咱的孩子。
2. Women, remember: You must eat well, play well, drink well, and sleep well. Once you’re dead, another woman will spend your money, live in your house, sleep with your husband, date your boyfriend, and even smack your kids.
2.庄严承诺对外不首先使用城管。
3. Solemnly promise not to deploy urban management officers unless absolutely necessary.
3.如果我死了，别忘了在我的棺材里面安个空调，格力的。
4. If I die, don’t forget to install an air conditioner in my coffin, a Gree one.
4.等我有钱了，咱买棒棒糖，买二根……！一根你看着我吃，另一根我吃给你看。
4. When I’m rich, we’ll buy lollipops, two of them… one for you to watch me eat, and the other for me to eat while you watch.
5.一男生鼓起勇气向一女生表白，女生说：“明天下课后，你从校门口往外走，到第四个路口右转，我告诉你答案。” 第二天，男孩精心打扮了一番，兴冲冲的去了。 回来后，哥们儿七嘴八舌地问结果，男生失望的说：“那是一个死胡同。”
5. A boy gathers courage to confess to a girl, and the girl says, “After class tomorrow, walk out of the school gate, turn right at the fourth intersection, and I’ll give you my answer.” The next day, the boy dresses up carefully and goes there excitedly. When he comes back, his friends ask about the result, and the boy says disappointedly, “It was a dead end.”
6.人和猪的区别就是：猪一直是猪，而人有时却不是人！
6. The difference between humans and pigs is that pigs are always pigs, while sometimes humans are not human!
7.比遇见一个泼妇更让人头痛的是……同时遇见两个泼妇。
7. What is more headache-inducing than encountering a shrew? Encountering two shrews at the same time.
8.一开始让我去学校的时候，其实我，是拒绝的。不能你让我去我就去。我跟妈妈讲，我拒绝，我要当海贼王的女人，去学校很没面子。妈妈跟我讲，去学校会加特技，“duang”很帅，很拉风。加了一会以后呢，我学习也都会是“duang”，很NB。我想让你们看到，我上学的时候是这个样子，你们上学的时候，也会是这个样子。
8. At first, when I was asked to go to school, actually, I refused. I can’t just go because you tell me to. I told my mom, “I refuse. I want to be the woman of the Pirate King. Going to school is very embarrassing.” My mom told me that going to school would add special effects, “duang” very handsome, very cool. After adding for a while, my studies would also be “duang”, very awesome. I want you to see that when I go to school, it’s like this, and when you go to school, it will be like this too.
9.好好活着，因为我们会死很久！
9. Live well, because we will be dead for a long time!
10.生活与生存之间就一字之差，但却是天上人间，有多少人在生活，又有多少人在生存？试问自己是在生活还是在生存？
10. There is only one character difference between life and existence, but it is like heaven and earth. How many people are living, and how many are merely surviving? Ask yourself, are you living or just existing? Please translate the above paragraph (original text) into corresponding English lines, ensuring the translation is in line with English habits, maintains the original sequence numbers, punctuation, and tags. Check: The translation should be the same as the original text when translated back into the original language, if not, please re-translate without adding any additional explanations or descriptions, and return the entire translation.
11.何必兔子满山跑 既然窝边还有草，何必兔子满山跑!
11. Why bother running all over the mountain when there’s grass right by the burrow?
12.捐进自己的账户 如果我中了五百万，我觉得还是捐进自己的账户吧。
12. Donate to my own account. If I win five million, I think I’d rather donate it to my own account.
13.我觉得地球好危险，我想火星了。
13. I think Earth is dangerous; I miss Mars.
15.爱迪生和一对情侣出去玩 后来发明了电灯泡。
15. Edison went out with a couple and later invented the light bulb.
16.我深深地爱着你你却爱上一个傻B，傻B还不爱你，你比傻B还傻B，喔……你还给傻B织毛衣。。。
16. I love you deeply, but you fell in love with a fool. The fool doesn’t even love you; you’re even more foolish than the fool. Oh… and you knit a sweater for the fool.
17.心里有座坟，葬着未亡人。
17. There’s a grave in my heart, burying the living.
18.“死猪”这样骂猪是不对的，猪会生气的。
18. It’s not right to call a pig “dead pig” like that; the pig might get angry.
19.我给儿子买了气球，儿子就高兴的拿着出去玩了。没多久，邻居来告诉我不知道咋的一个孩子哭着跟在一个孕妇后面，我心想可别是我儿子，就赶紧出门去看。远远地就看见儿子跟着那个人，走近了，就听那个孕妇不耐烦的问孩子：“你为什么一直跟着我哭？”儿子答道：“我的气球不见了，是不是被你藏在肚子里了？”
19. I bought a balloon for my son, and he happily took it outside to play. Soon after, a neighbor came to tell me that a child was crying and following a pregnant woman. I thought, “Please don’t let it be my son,” and hurried out to see. From a distance, I saw my son following the person. As I got closer, I heard the pregnant woman impatiently ask the child, “Why are you crying and following me?” My son replied, “I lost my balloon; did you hide it in your belly?”
20.你的眼睛就象天上的明月，一只初一；一只十五。
20. Your eyes are like the bright moon in the sky, one on the first day of the lunar month; one on the fifteenth.
21.如果你不小气，你的个头就不会这么低！
21. If you weren’t so stingy, you wouldn’t be so short!
22.什么是朋友？朋友永远是在你犯下不可原谅错误的时候，仍旧站在你那边的笨蛋！
22. What is a friend? A friend is someone who remains on your side even when you’ve made an unforgivable mistake, you foolish person!
23.骑士总会救出公主，但恶龙也从未伤害她，最后她嫁给了王子。
23. The knight always rescues the princess, but the dragon never really hurt her. In the end, she marries the prince.
24.你快回来，我一人忽悠不来！
24. Come back soon; I can’t fool people on my own!
25.老师说，我们还小，不要谈恋爱，因为都是在养别人媳妇，不值得！
25. The teacher said we are too young to fall in love, because we are just raising other people’s wives, and it’s not worth it!
26.你的牙如同天上的繁星，色泽鲜艳，相距甚远。
26. Your teeth are like the bright stars in the sky, colorful and far apart.
27.企鹅GG和企鹅MM去约会，企鹅MM还没有到约会的地点，企鹅GG就一直在左看看，右看看…左看看，右看看…左看看，右看看…… 企鹅MM来了后看见企鹅GG这个样子，怒了！ 一巴掌呼了过去骂道：“你以为你TMD在登陆QQ啊！”
27. Penguin GG and Penguin MM went on a date. Before企鹅MM arrived at the meeting place,企鹅GG kept looking left and right… left and right… left and right… When 企鹅MM arrived and saw 企鹅GG like this, she got angry and slapped him, exclaiming, “Do you think you’re logging into QQ?!”
28.平时逗比的人一旦正经起来真的超级帅 比如我。
28. When a usually funny person becomes serious, they become incredibly handsome, like me.
29.英语听力就是听两傻逼说话，完了还反过来问我们，他们说了什么。
29. English listening is like listening to two idiots talk, and then they ask us what they said.
30.鲜花往往不属于赏花的人，而属于牛粪。
30. Beautiful flowers often don’t belong to the赏花人, but to the cow dung.
31.打个小麻将，吃个麻辣烫。找个小对象，生活就这样。
31. Play a small game of mahjong, eat some spicy hot pot. Find a small partner, and that’s life.
32.“紫薇，你有什么苦，今日都跟朕讲讲吧，是谁打了你？”“回皇上的话，嬷嬷嬷打”“告状就告状，你卖什么萌呀”
32. “Zi Wei, what grievances do you have? Tell me today, who hit you?” “Mammy hit me.” “If you want to complain, just complain. Why are you acting cute?”
33.天我上了公交车又看见了那个漂亮的MM，这时我给她传了一个纸条，纸上说：和我交个朋友好不好，如果好就写上你的联系地址传回来，如果不好就打开车窗让它随风飘去吧，一会儿那张纸条传了回来，我欣喜的打开一看：对不起，车窗打不开。
33. Today I got on the bus and saw that pretty girl again. I passed her a note saying: “Shall we be friends? If yes, write your contact address and pass it back. If not, open the window and let it float away with the wind.” After a while, the note came back. I eagerly opened it and saw: “Sorry, the window won’t open.”
34.扫黄不让播了 是啊。您多出名啊，拍过多部电影，就是现在扫黄不让播了。
34. The crackdown on pornography has stopped the broadcast, right? Yeah, you’re so famous, you’ve acted in several movies, but now the crackdown on pornography has stopped them from being shown.
35.有情人终成房奴，有房人终成眷属。
35. Lovers eventually become mortgage slaves, while those with houses eventually become couples.
36.你太矮了！借你望远镜吧，再看清楚点，我不帅吗？
36. You’re too short! Here, use this telescope to see more clearly. Am I not handsome?
37.我以为只要我晒得和煤炭一样黑就不会有人认出我了，可是我错了，我完全错了，现在的我，已经黑得发亮了。
37. I thought that if I tanned myself as black as coal, no one would recognize me. But I was wrong, completely wrong. Now, I’m so black that I shine.
38.复习=不挂科，不复习=挂科，所以，复习+不复习=不挂科+挂科，提公因式（+不）复习=（不+）挂科，约分，所以，复习=挂科 。我靠，真理诞生了…
38. Reviewing = not failing, not reviewing = failing. So, reviewing + not reviewing = not failing + failing. Factor out the common factor (+ not) reviewing = (not +) failing. Simplify, so reviewing = failing. Wow, a new truth is born…
39.我不想娶老婆老婆却娶了我。
39. I didn’t want to marry a wife, but a wife ended up marrying me.
40.如果领导下个月再不给我加薪，我就辞职，辞职前再给他送两条中华，抽死他。
40. If my leader doesn’t give me a raise next month, I’ll resign. Before resigning, I’ll give him two packs of Zhonghua cigarettes to smoke him to death.
41.我们只要有一颗自信心，神马都米有鸭梨。
41. As long as we have self-confidence, there will be no pressure.
42.只要有人对你说他忙，就等于向你宣布你对他不重要。。昨天晚上我没有失约，我翻墙进去找你了，可是院子里那条愚蠢的狗把我咬出来了。
42. If someone tells you they’re busy, it means they’re declaring that you’re unimportant to them. Last night, I didn’t break our appointment; I climbed over the wall to find you, but that stupid dog in the yard bit me out.
43.一个朋友，家里有钱，岁就买车了，结果爱开快车出车祸右腿骨折，之后就特别稳，但是被大卡车追尾推到树田里腹部积水，然后对我说与车无缘，不开车了省油钱买了一苹果六，前两天传
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