1、床前明月光，疑是地上霜，举头望明月，我叫郭德纲！
1. Before my bed, the bright moonlight, I wonder if it’s frost on the ground; I raise my head and look at the bright moon, my name is Guo Degang!
2、好些天都没吃饭了，看谁都像烙饼。
2. I haven’t eaten for several days, and everyone looks like a pancake to me.
3、从今儿起，我吃龙虾再也不就饼了。
3. From now on, I will no longer eat lobster with pancakes.
4、我小学十年，中学十二年，我被评为全校最熟悉的面孔，新老师来了都跟我打听学校内幕
4. I spent ten years in elementary school and twelve years in middle school; I was voted the most familiar face in the school, and new teachers would ask me about the school’s inside stories.
5、社会进步了，女人是生活中的强者；科技发展了，男人是床上的弱者！
5. Society has progressed, and women have become the strong ones in life; technology has developed, and men have become the weak ones in bed!
6、《单刀会》大伙儿都知道，刘关张桃园三结义嘛，哥仨一个头磕在地上跟亲哥们一样，然后哥仨就保护唐僧西天取经去了。《红楼梦》里有这故事。
6. Everyone knows “The Single Saber Assembly”; Liu, Guan, and Zhang made a brotherhood in the Peach Garden, and the three of them knocked their heads on the ground like close friends. Then, the three brothers went to protect Tang Seng on his journey to the West. This story is in “Dream of the Red Chamber.”
7、我吃快点，我欺骗我的胃：你饱了，你饱了…
7. I eat quickly to deceive my stomach: You’re full, you’re full…
8、听见你父亲去世的消息，街坊邻居哭成一片：这么好的人啊，死晚了！
8. Upon hearing the news of your father’s death, neighbors cried: Such a good person, he died too late!
9、郭德纲为了那点代言费用早就已经忘本了，郭德纲面临商业欺诈，可能会坐牢。
9. In order to earn that endorsement fee, Guo Degang has long forgotten his roots; Guo Degang faces commercial fraud and may go to jail.
10、谁要不认识他，谁就没吃过猪肉。
10. If someone doesn’t know him, they haven’t eaten pork.
11、来到天堂，这儿建筑好看，两边还有牌子：天堂左右一百米严禁摆摊！
11. Arriving in heaven, the architecture here is beautiful, and there are signs on both sides: No vending within 100 meters of heaven!
12、你无耻的样子很有我当年的神韵。
12. Your shameless appearance has the charm I had back then.
13、上次喝多了，拿筷子当鸡爪子，吃了一根半。
13. Last time I drank too much, I mistook chopsticks for chicken feet and ate one and a half.
14、好老师无论在哪张床上都能把你们带上天堂，不好的老师直接带你们去住总捅套房！ 郭德纲
14. A good teacher can take you to heaven no matter which bed they are on, while a bad teacher can take you straight to the presidential suite! Guo Degang
15、来一两啤酒，再来四颗花生米，等会儿，这有一个（在地上拣一个），来三颗就行了。
15. A glass of beer, please, and four peanuts. Wait, there’s one on the ground. Just give me three, then.
16、恒久远永流传－－福尔马林，这一瓶都是你的。
16. Timeless and everlasting - formaldehyde. This bottle is all yours.
17、我们历年历届大赛的节目，春晚的节目，要是拿到剧场，卖票，连电钱都不够啊。
17. Our annual contest programs, Spring Festival programs, if sold as tickets in the theater, wouldn’t even cover the electricity costs.
18、爬塔比赛，设一二三等奖，一等奖五万，二等奖七万…..
18. Climbing tower competition, with first, second, and third prizes; first prize is 50,000, and second prize is 70,000…
19、两口子不一定感情好，感情好不一定是两口子；相声大师不一定会说相声，歌星不一定识谱。
19. A couple may not necessarily have good feelings, and those with good feelings may not necessarily be a couple; a master of crosstalk may not necessarily be able to tell a joke, and a singing star may not necessarily know music.
20、你要舍得死，我就舍得埋。
20. If you dare to die, I dare to bury you.
21、来一斤西瓜，称给准点儿。
21. A pound of watermelon, please weigh it accurately.
22、爸爸，我饿！又喊饿，你去年没吃饭吗？
22. Dad, I’m hungry! You keep complaining about hunger; did you not eat last year?
23、不成熟的人为了伟大的事业而死去，成熟的人为了伟大的事业而卑贱地活着。
23. Immature people die for great causes, while mature people live humbly for great causes.
24、当一个人有着大智慧，当他可以看破很多东西的时候，（郭德纲）他反而可以退一步，比较轻松地看待很多事情。
24. When a person has great wisdom and can see through many things, (Gu Degang) he can take a step back and more easily deal with many things.
25、我们不是大师，也不是同行们骂的那样，什么败类啊等等，那都是对着镜子说的。
25. We are not masters, nor are we the despicable people our peers criticize; that’s just talking to oneself in the mirror.
26、于谦老师，相声说的好，肚囊也宽绰，我们都尊称他为相声皇后。
26. Mr. Yu Qian, you tell great crosstalk, and you have a generous heart; we all respectfully call you the Queen of Crosstalk.
27、 我想想啊新疆，柴达木，这得算三环外了吧？
27. Let me think, Xinjiang, Chaidam, this must be outside the Third Ring Road, right?
28、枯藤老树昏鸦，小桥流水人家。古道西风瘦马，夕阳西下，断肠人在医院。
28. Withered vines, old trees, dusk crows; small bridges, flowing water, people’s homes. Ancient roads, western winds, skinny horses; the setting sun descends, heartbroken people in the hospital.
29、你好我叫郭德纲，你猜我是谁？
29. Hello, my name is Guo Degang, can you guess who I am?
30、年轻人，你就是凌晨两三点钟的太阳。
30. Young people, you are like the sun at two or three o’clock in the morning.
31、法律不管我早打死他了。
31. If it weren’t for the law, I would have killed him long ago.
32、三尺龙泉万卷书，上天生我意何如，不能报国平天下，我是谁的丈夫？于谦：什么词啊您这是郭德纲：唐诗嘛于谦唐诗里怎么还有找媳妇这里头？
32. Three feet of Longquan sword, ten thousand scrolls of books; Heaven created me for what purpose? If I cannot serve my country and bring peace to the world, who am I as a husband? Yu Qian: What kind of poem is this? Guo Degang: It’s a Tang poem. Yu Qian: How come there’s finding a wife in a Tang poem? Guo Degang: It’s a Tang poem, of course!
33、向后翻腾三周半零一个多月。
33. Backward somersault with three and a half twists and a little over a month.
34、我扔铅球扔得可远了，教练说了，人出去了不算啊！
34. I can throw the shot put so far; the coach said it doesn’t count if I go out of bounds!
35、结婚大家都熟悉，是广大人民群众一种喜闻乐见的业余活动。
35. Marriage is familiar to everyone; it’s a popular leisure activity among the masses.
36、床前明月光，疑是地上霜，举头望明月，我叫郭德纲。
36. The bright moonlight in front of my bed, I suspect it’s frost on the ground. I raise my head to look at the bright moon, my name is Guo Degang.
37、于谦在我心里，就是一完人这人完了。
37. In my heart, Yu Qian is a perfect person; this person is finished.
38、天下最不是人的就是人。
38. The most despicable creatures in the world are humans.
39、这头儿最坏！岁杀了他爸，岁把母亲推入河中，岁自灭满门！看了她不到分钟，眼泪儿下来了－－大姐，我想这是场误会
39. This leader is the worst! He killed his father at the age of 15, pushed his mother into the river at 16, and exterminated his entire family at the age of 17! After watching her for less than a minute, tears came down - Sister, I think there’s been a misunderstanding.
40、床前明月光，疑是地上霜，举头望明月，我叫郭德纲
40. The bright moonlight in front of my bed, I suspect it’s frost on the ground. I raise my head to look at the bright moon, my name is Guo Degang.
41、今天说的这故事，离现在不远，家里有老人的可以回去问问，在春秋战国时期啊。
41. The story I’m telling today isn’t far from the present. If you have elderly family members, you can ask them about the Spring and Autumn and Warring States periods.
42、科学家会武术，神仙都挡不住。
42. When scientists know martial arts, even the gods can’t stop them.
43、大伙是愿意听啊是愿意听啊还是愿意听啊？我决不强求。
43. Do you guys want to listen? Do you want to listen? Or do you just want to listen? I won’t force you.
44、白天鹅乐队–白天就敢讹你。
44. White Swan Band - We dare to swindle you in broad daylight.
45、这小伙子长得，把脸挡上跟个演员似的。
45. This young man looks like an actor with his face covered.
46、马瘦毛长蹄子肥，儿子偷爹不算贼。瞎大爷娶个瞎大奶奶，老俩口过了多半辈谁也没看见谁。
46. A skinny horse with long hair and fat hooves, a son stealing from his father is not considered a thief. A blind old man marries a blind old woman, and they’ve spent most of their lives together without ever seeing each other.
47、近猪者胖，近尿者骚。
47. Being close to pigs makes you fat, being close to urine makes you smelly.
48、我参与，你奉献，我快乐！
48. I participate, you contribute, and I’m happy!
49、走自己的路，想说谁说谁去吧
49. Go your own way and let others talk as they please.
50、郭先生您自重啊我们只卖身不卖艺。
50. Mr. Guo, please behave. We only sell our bodies, not our talents.
51、找一个围棋表演艺术家为我们表演。
51. Find a Go performance artist to entertain us.
52、啊？你不知道我？我艺术家啊！我都艺术家一个多礼拜了。
52. Ah? You don’t know me? I’m an artist! I’ve been an artist for more than a week.
53、不想当厨子的裁缝不是好司机。
53. A tailor who doesn’t want to be a chef is not a good driver.
54、很多女明星不红的原因是因为没有张开腿
54. The reason many female celebrities aren’t famous is because they haven’t spread their legs.
55、于老师人家祖祖辈辈都有钱，他的曾祖，曾经是前清宫的二品带剪子护卫。
55. Teacher Yu’s family has been wealthy for generations. His great-grandfather was once a second-class scissors-bearing guard in the Qing Dynasty palace.
56、家里有钱，开一开门的卡迪拉克。一听声音就知道是好机器，德国进口的，突突突突，哦，三蹦子。
56. With money at home, you can drive a door-opening Cadillac. Just listen to the sound, and you know it’s a good machine, imported from Germany, putt-putt-putt, oh, a three-hop vehicle.
57、天地无声、心胸宽广、谁家的事都是我的事、为百姓造福、为社会解忧、专门帮助你们这些个无权无势的弱智群体，（弱势群体）拿你的事当我的事，看谁都像我的儿女们。
57. The world is silent, the heart is open, everyone’s business is my business, benefiting the people, solving society’s worries, specifically helping you weak and powerless groups (disadvantaged groups), treating your affairs as my own, and seeing everyone as my children.
58、婚姻是爱情的坟墓 如果没有房子，你连坟墓都进不去！
58. Marriage is the grave of love. Without a house, you can’t even get into the grave!
59、床前明月光，疑是地上霜，举头望明月，（啪！响木一敲）我叫郭德纲。
59. In front of the bed, the bright moonlight, it looks like frost on the ground, looking up at the bright moon, (crack! A wooden clapper敲响) My name is Guo Degang.
60、那是你爸爸，我说的是你父亲！
60. That’s your father; I’m talking about your dad!
61、我媳妇就跟我说了好好说相声，别的都甭管，把相声说好就行了她这也叫望子成龙了。
61. My wife just told me to focus on telling good crosstalk stories and not to worry about anything else. She’s really hoping for great things from me.
62、报复以前贫穷的日子！买个有里的褂子，上车咱也投币，存自行车不划价了
62. To get back at the days of poverty! Buy a decent jacket, take the bus and pay the fare, and don’t bargain when storing bicycles.
63、请导演吃饭吧，导演说了简单一点要吃兰州料理于谦：兰州料理？
63. Let’s treat the director to a meal. The director said he wants something simple, Lanzhou cuisine. Yu Qian: Lanzhou cuisine?
64、老头那屋满屋都是书，繁体的，简体的，古文的，外文的，哎呀这
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